Original subtitles

I'm so flippin' stoked to finally go

to the newest, most-cash-grabbiest Instagram attraction in town:

the Sprinkle Museum.

I'm gonna take a thirst trap with every kinda sprinkle there is.

Jimmies, nonpareils, even the fucking blue ones!

Nobody's going anywhere.

I have to express your mounds.

The stink is attracting those giant spiders again.

Fuck that, no way.

Not the brusher.

Just let us be stanky!

- My mound, my choice. - Hell no.

I'm tired of slipping on pus when I'm doing my Tae Bo.

Bend over.

Jesse, hold this bag

and collect all the dribblings and the sprays.

- Ecch! It's gonna get on me. - Be proud.

'Tis one of the great Shlorpian honors

to hold the mound gunk satchel.

I'll never forgive you for this, Korvo! I hate you!

Woo-hoo! It tickles. It tickles.

- Do, do, do, do, do, do. - Ugh.

Get it all, Jesse!

We can pour it in molds and make our own gummy bears.

Ooh, are we getting our mounds expressed?

Me next, me next!

Alright, Terry, you can be next,

just drop your pants and let's see--

- Jesus Jessica Parker.

What? - Terry, you have a human penis!

And you're human!

I'm, I'm a human

and I've got a slightly above average human penis!

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,

until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa,

and escaped into the... space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth,

stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name is Korvo. This is my show.

Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.

Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.

It's a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

Why do they always say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,

but then they never freeze time there.

If you're gonna cheat on your wife,

have the dignity to use a chrononullifier,

Anthony K. Delgado Jr.!

Wow. You gotta touch these ears.

I can't believe I got a penis and a nose and a dick

and a head full of hair and a schlong.

Jeepers. I can't believe you're actually human.

This is so cool.

Oh, my gosh. Do you have a butt hole?

I don't know. You tell me.

- He's got a butt hole. - He's got a butt hole.

- He's got a butt hole! - He's got a butt hole!

Oh, what kind of stuff should I put in it?

Ooh, give me that gunk wand!

Nuh-uh. Nobody's putting anything in Terry's butt hole.

Except me. After we figure out how this happened.

Oh, come on. You never let me put anything in anything.

Damn it. It's just as I feared.

Terry's body transformation is

a natural Shlorpian reaction to being on the planet

for too long without the Pupa terraforming it.

What does that have to do with it?

His physical form has adapted to better assimilate

among the planet's dominant species.

Blade? Am I a Daywalker?

No! Humans!

How come it happened to Terry first?

Because he's weak-minded and succumbed to the temptations

of human culture long before you two did.

That's me, baby.

Succumbin' to the temp-tache of the cultch.

Will me and Jesse turn human too?

Of course! You two have succumbed to popular culture as much as Terry.

Jesse with boy-toyin' and Yumyulack with your tea-bagging.

At least we'll be humans together.

Ha! I will remain a perfect shade of blue

because I haven't succumbed to a single temp-tache.

I'm Shlorpian ride or die. No cap.

Is it too late to do anything about it?

The transformation takes six months to become permanent.

It's like when you're making panna cotta, the cream has to set.

I hate when Korvo compares things to panna cotta.

The Book of Boba Fett versus Alien vs. Predator

is nothing like panna cotta.

Well, I guess we just kick back and enjoy watching me

get snackier and drippier by the day!

Now, if you excuse me,

I'm gonna go to Cos' and get linen pants.

No, it's too dangerous to wait.

Being Shlorpian is who we are, and we can't lose that.

We must leave Earth immediately.

Being in outer space will cause you to revert

to your natural form.

But, but, but what about the Sprinkle Museum?

They just disinfected from the meningitis.

No! There'll be no sprinkle selfies today.

Everyone to the ship!

Where the fuck's my ship?

Hold on, does this mean the ship can actually be flown around?

I thought it was broken. That's kind of a big deal, you know?

The ship has worked since last year

when I turned into goo.

I didn't tell you because everyone was having such a good time

as a team here on Earth.

Aww, that's so sweet.

Being sweet was wrong!

I should have stayed harsh.

Oh, my God, I can't believe you guys didn't know

the ship works.

I take it out every Sunday when Korvo isn't watching.

What? How?

You can't even use the transmogrifier without burning your hands.

You made me read the manual, like, a hundred times

under threat of death!

Fuck, that's right.

Okay, fine, well, where is it then?

Um, I recently borrowed it

for one of my iconic Friday through Sunday "Terry Freak-ends."

Dang, this new human brain runs hot and slow.

Havin' a hard time remembering the deets.

Do you really not remember or are you just saying

you don't remember because you wanna stall

and do shit in your human body before we leave.

- A little bit of both. - Terrald!

Look, I just wanna experience what being human's like.

Anyway, I'll be back. Byeeeee!

Terry, get back here, we have to find the ship!

Oh!

Fucking spiders! Damn it!

Okay, our only course of action is to blow the horn

that calls giant monsters out of the sea and use them to hunt down Terry

and force him to tell us where the ship is.

It'll cause devastating earthquakes

and most of us won't survive, but it's our only option left.

Shit!

I don't know what you're so worried about.

Every time Terry runs away,

you know he comes crawling back when he realizes

this is where all his action figures are stored.

Usually, he hasn't lost the ship full of all the stuff

that makes me awesome.

Guys, guys, guys.

I found Terry's Veronica's Closet lunchbox.

Maybe there's something in these treasures

that could tell us where he went.

Phoenix feather, that bullet you guys bought,

a witch's finger.

Oh! A roll of 35-millimeter film marked "freak-end."

To the dark room. Yes! Woo!

I'll be there in a minute.

Keep sucking, get all around the rim.

Look, Terry went to MTV's Spring Break: Running of the Bulls.

The ship must still be in Pamplona.

Tight! I'll get the hover platform.

It's on the ship along with all the other stuff

that makes our lives so easy breezy.

So how on God's green earth are we getting to Spain?

An airplane?

No, we're still trying to get off the no-fly list

for that time Terry tried to join the Mile High Club

by himself in the aisle.

Luckily, Mr. Awesome Genius foresaw this possibility

and constructed a secret backup vehicle

and stored it in an underground bunker

in the backyard a year ago.

Now all we need to do is buy some shovels.

I guess Mr. Awesome Genius didn't think

to leave himself a tunnel.

I think you like an excuse to go to the hardware store.

I do not.

Hey, Dale, how's that shed going?

Get that hinge on.

Maurice! Upgrading the old pergola!

That's gonna be peaceful as fuck.

This would be a lot faster if we had the shovel ray.

Well, thanks to Terry, we don't.

God knows what that selfish fuck is up to right now.

Oh.

Damn, you're human as fuck.

Thank you. You wanna see my human penis?

Fuck yeah. Whip it out.

Okay. This should be it. My secret vehicle.

Oh, no, the robots from season one.

Shut the door before they talk or we'll have to pay em'!

Okay, here we go, this is it.

Behold the Hammerhead 2.

What was the "Hammerhead 1"?

I just put a "2" at the end of this because I thought

it sounded more kickass.

Hammerhead 2!

Hammerhead 2! Hammerhead 2!

It's got an advanced design I cribbed from a He-Man toy

that can traverse any environment.

Let's go!

What's up, buddies?

Welcome aboard the Hammerhead Dos!

Call me the Weasel.

Yowwww!

Is it on Pauly Shore mode?

That's gonna get annoying fast.

It's just what a computer voice sounds like

if it's been buried and forgotten for a year.

Pam-pa-lone-a!

Sweet, buddy.

Estimated arrival: 14 days.

Aww.

Those times always drop once you get on the road.

Stupid fucking GPS. That took forever.

I don't know, seems like we made good time

considering we had to sidewind across the ocean floor.

Look around for any sign of the ship or Terry.

That's one of Terry's stupid shirts!

Hey, lady, where'd you get your t-shirt?

This old-ass alien gave it to me for showing him

how to do winged eyeliner.

- Did he have a ship? - Yep.

Did you fuck him?

I totally would have,

but he said he was in love with some guy named Crumbo.

Who the shit is Crumbo?

Korvo.

Oh. Right. 'Cause I love crumbs.

Well, what did he do with the ship?

I don't know, last I heard,

he and the amateur circus were gonna fly it to Burning Man.

That flaming gentleman must be where the ship is!

Solars-minus-Terry, rollout!

Set course for Nevada!

Oh, bummer, buddy.

Due to mucho heavy headwinds,

arrival time is:

16 days.

Come on!

Ah, shoot, I'm doing a glow!

Guys, guys! I'm a human! And I gots boobs!

Let me touch 'em! Uh, I-I-I mean, who cares, humans are lame.

Shit. I told you this would happen.

We just have to keep looking for the ship.

Don't panic, stay on course.

Panic? Look at me!

I'm young, hot, and ready to sign up for a student loan!

Don't you pull a Terry!

I wanna experience the uniquely human activities

I've always dreamed about,

like waiting in line at the DMV,

paying taxes, and having jury duty!

That's what you've always wanted?

Aliens never get to do all the boring, mundane human stuff.

I gotta skedaddle! Toodle-oo!

Fucking goddammit!

I guess it's just you and me, Yumyulack.

The original bad boys.

Hammerhead 2, get us out of here

and this time avoid highways.

New route locked in.

Updated arrival time:

20 days.

Son of a bitch!

Ow, ow!

It's official, people. The man is burnt!

Oh, please, release me.

Let me go back to my home world.

Have I not suffered enough?

Oh, thank you, kind s--

I can't believe Terry and Jesse bailed on us.

Thank you for remaining dedicated to the mission, Yumyulack.

You are now officially the good replicant.

Sure, whatever. Check out what Jesse's been up to.

What is up to my followers!

J-So here at the Social Security Administration,

finally getting my very own Social Security Number.

Bwaaap bwaaap! Bweep bweep bweep bweep!

Heck yeah! 987-65-4322! That's me!

Ooh ooh ohh!

Ignore her base humanity,

just be alert for any signs of the ship. Ugh!

That hasheesh man is living in part of my stardrive!

Drug addict. Where did you get this?

Aw, man. This alien dude traded it to me

for a jar of clean piss,

which he drank without sharing.

- Clean piss. Lucky! - Yup, that's Terry.

That dude was weird.

I don't know if he's gonna make it to Vegas.

Las Vegas?

But he swore he would never go back after he didn't make

the cast of Brah, The Blink 182 Cirque du Soleil show.

Dude, he was ranting about something called Sabacc.

What the hell is that?

It's a fictional card game he saw in a movie.

Terry only likes to play games with deep ties

to cannon and lore.

Why does he have to be so fucking extra about everything?

Terry's always bragging about how good he is at Sabacc.

If casinos are cashing in on the ascension of nerd culture,

he'd be attracted to the gaming tables like an owl to a bat

to a moth to a flame!

A casino!

Yumyulack, help me hitch the recombulator to the Hammerhead.

Sorry, hippie. We're taking this sweet piece of sci-fi back.

Sure thing, brah.

I should get back to my old life anyway,

solving crimes using my heightened sense of smell.

Yumyulack! How long have you had that human leg meat?

Oh, man. Just a few days.

I didn't say anything because I thought you'd cut them off.

I wasn't going to do that, but it's a good idea.

Give me those fucking legs!

- Whoa!

Fuck! I knew we gave you too many Lunchables

and Xbox Live.

Whoa. I'm a human, and I've got one, two, three, four, five, six--

several pubes.

Are you gonna run off to do human stuff now too?

I won't be able to handle it if you do!

Um, no, of course not.

I'm, uh, just gonna borrow this bike real quick.

Don't try to escape me on that old-timey bicycle!

Hammerhead, pursuit course! Maximum speed!

Shit! Stupid slow-ass Hammerhead 2.

Hey, buddy, when are we gonna wheeze the juice?

We are never wheezing any liquid!

Aim at Vegas, full Hammer ahead.

Was there a guy named Terry here recently?

Ye tall. Green. Good-looking. Probably eating gum?

Yeah, I remember that fuckin' guy.

He paid for his Vegas Vegas Memories DVD

and never picked it up.

Let's transition wipe to my office.

Where's the fictional game room?

I want to play Sabacc and Gwent, bitch!

Jesus. Fast forward through this.

What the--

These freaks all look like they win fictional card games for a living.

What was Terry thinking?

Pfft, easy mode.

This is exactly like it was in the Solo.

I call and raise you

an actual spaceship!

He bet the ship? How was his hand?

He had five crescent moons and a fist of swords.

What the hell does that mean?

I don't fucking know. It's bad, I think.

We change the rules on these nerd games on the fly

all the time.

Holy fuck!

Well, at least nobody will ever see this.

I want that ship back!

Return it now or I will mercilessly lay waste to this entire casino.

Sorry, sir, this vehicle is now the property

of the Vegas Vegas corporation,

and you need to fuckin' leave.

Prim this guest.

What the hell? Stop it.

Why are you shoving me into a cement mixer?

I can't see! I can't see!

Okay, now I can see.

Goddammit, I can't believe my team has left me to do this by myself.

I really hope they're all miserable.

Drugs are so much better when they actually get you high!

Has the jury reached a verdict?

We haven't, Your Honor.

Looks like we need to be sequestered!

Out of the way, normal kid.

We're about to bully that left-handed kid.

He's now the weirdest kid at school!

I'm not weird! Ha, ha!

Fuck, nobody said this was stacked parking!

The Hammerhead isn't designed to traverse tightly packed spaces!

Hello? Can someone please move these gambling addicts' cars?

Hello?

How? How has it come to this?

A nose? No! No, no, no!

Ears? Shit! I don't want to be a fucking human!

Noooooo!

Sorry I'm late. I had a court date.

I heard about you getting arrested for calling that judge

"a bitch, a whole bitch, and nothing but a bitch."

She couldn't handle me requesting a "motion to dismiss"

for the reasons that she "sucked fat shit."

Now I gotta wear this everywhere.

Plus, I'm in a buttload of debt because people keep using

my Social Security Number to take out loans.

Things haven't gone well for me either.

Everyone at school ignores me now that I'm human.

At least when I was a bullied alien, I was being noticed.

This being human stuff is the pits.

I tried changing my name to "Baxter Cool"

to stand out, but then I found out

there's already a kid named "Baxter Badass."

So now everyone at school just calls me Baxter C.

Holy geez. Is that Terry?

Jesse, Yumyulack, it's great to see you!

Oh, my gosh.

What the hell happened to you?

Waddaya mean? I've been thriving.

Oh, cripes, the wound's open again.

I need to get fresh rags, but, uh, other than that,

things are good.

Yeah.

Terry.

Okay, fine, the last four and a half months have been hell!

I didn't know the shit humans do to their bodies was permanent.

My penis ring's been infected a half dozen times

and I'm addicted to crack!

I didn't even know you could get addicted.

I just love the minty flavor.

Turning human was the worst mistake of our lives.

We should never have bailed on Korvo.

Then it's settled.

We're going home and undoing all of this!

But isn't Korvo mad at us?

Are you kidding?

He's gonna goosh his robes when we come walking up.

Just imagine how lonely and depressed he's been without us.

Just him and the Pupa in that big house,

sitting around and doing jack shit?

Poor Korvo. I hope he somehow held it together.

What the hell? Where's the ship?

He never got it back!

Uh, guys, what's with all the dogs?

Ahh!

Okay, what the fuck is going on here?

Hey! No humans allowed.

How many times do I gotta say it?

This is a brothel for dogs.

Opening a dog brothel's been my dream for years

and the Pupa stole it?

Fuck you, Pupa!

We can't be humans anymore! We gotta get off this planet!

Please, Pupa, if you care about this family at all,

tell us where is Korvo?

Whoa, what is this place?

The Smokeshow House,

the ultimate club for the sexiest,

most boner-generating people alive.

I believe you're describing me!

What the hell's Korvo doing in a place like this?

Maybe he turned human and he's like a busboy or something?

Maybe the cool people take shits on him for fun.

I heard that's what they do to losers.

it's never happened to me, heh.

Well, well, well, my old alien family!

What a surprise.

Korvo?

You've turned into the most gorgeous human I've ever seen!

Not bad, right?

It's been a good few months.

Allow me to introduce some of my new friends.

Brad Pitt, regular Michael B. Jordan,

and jacked Kumail Nanjiani.

I assume you're here to say "I told you so"

because being a human is awesome.

No, we thought you would tell us so.

I cannot. It was you who told me so.

Korvo, the six-month panna cotta period is almost up.

We gotta leave Earth A-S-A-mmediately

if we ever wanna be Shlorpians again.

Good. I don't want to be Shlorpian.

What?

My life's great now.

I'm the new face of Edible Dude Wipes For Her For him.

People finally respect me for what counts,

my symmetrical ass and dick dimples,

not the stupid content of my character!

But you said "being Shlorpian is who we are."

Well, if I did, that was stupid.

Being proud of who you are deep down on the inside is cringe.

Yo, K. These AmazonBasics-looking motherfuckers bugging you?

It's fine, Momoa. They were just leaving.

Leo, slurp Patrón off my five-pack.

Korvo's lost his marbles and replaced them

with new, fine-as-hell marbles!

Holy shit, what a snack.

If I was that hot, I would never ever look back at my family!

Man, I've lost the second love of my life,

right behind Pizza Hut Stuffed Crust Pizza.

Wait. We might not be aliens and we might not be beautiful,

but we have what counts in here.

Like what, our integrity?

No. Blood. We're full of blood!

What the fuck?

This little bitch just sprayed me with blood!

Yeah, and I'm fucking full to the brim!

Michael B. Jordan be covered in B, I mean blood!

Ahh!

- Yeah! - Ha, ha! Suckers!

Stop spraying my hot friends with your ugly blood!

Oh, God, It's reverting me back

to what I looked like before I sold my soul to that witch!

No! No! Oh, God!

Our unattractive blood is so potent,

it's melting the hotness right off these himbos!

Is it working?

It's getting hard to see.

Don't we need to hang on to some of this blood?

No, that's a myth! Bones make blood.

Ahhhh!

Ah!

Whoa! Keep your ugly blood away from my beautiful body!

You can have Nanjiani!

Oh, no! He's getting away!

But damn, do I like to watch him go.

Hold on, guys, I need to eat this cookie.

I sprayed too much blood.

No time. Jump!

Ah!

Protect me, my Aussie hunks!

It's the Hemsworth brothers!

They even brought the weird one!

Shit, I'm out of blood!

Stand back.

Gah-gah-gah-gah,

I smoke what I smoke and that's all that I smoke!

It's official, crack isn't whack, baby!

Yeah!

Oh, shit, crack fire!

This blimp is soaked in Drakkar Noir by Guy La Roche,

one of the most flammable substances in the galaxy.

It's gonna go off like a Molotov cockring!

There's nowhere else to go, Korvo!

This hot guy blimp is about to blow!

Take my hand!

Agh! So ugly!

I'd rather die a Chad than go back to being a simp.

Ahh!

Aww, jeez! We're all gonna die as humans!

Pupa!

Korvo, you stupid ass!

Come with us!

No, I won't go back!

Ahh!

Look, Korvo, it's someone casting for The Bachelor!

Really?

AISHA, get us off this planet!

You got it, dummy.

No! I finally fit in!

Wow, I guess the Pupa used the profits

from his dog brothel to buy the ship back from the casino.

God bless you, you green blob!

I'm getting tired.

Hey, you're not still upset that we killed a bunch

of your hot celeb friends 30 seconds ago, are you?

Yes, I'm still upset! I had the perfect life.

Korvo, I know you liked being a sexy human,

but this is for the best.

We need to get back our regular bodies, it's who we are.

And now that we've seen how fucked up humans are,

we're rededicated to the mission, just like you always wanted.

I... I do like that.

Plus, you're like our hot leader now.

And hot leaders are the best.

It's true. I'm sorry for how I acted.

I clearly had "hot guy brain" and it was making me crazy.

Now that we're back on the ship, I am glad you rescued me.

I know exactly what to do.

We'll go live on another planet for a bit until we revert back

to our old Shlorpian bodies.

It'll be a nice change of pace to live on a world

where we aren't being treated like a bunch of freaky aliens.

Go back to your own planet, you filthy fucking humans!

Fuck you, I hate this planet!

You people are stupid and confusing.

Aw cripes.