Original subtitles

My flock,

our worst fears were realized

when the heathens sent assassins into our kingdom

and kidnapped our beautiful baby Jessius.

Already, they're filling her mind with lies!

They're telling her that Jesse hates us

and that the best flavor of Laffy Taffy is banana.

Jesse tasks us,

her most faithful servants,

with a grave and dangerous task.

We must rescue baby Jessius from the hands of evil

and strike down those who wish us harm.

The Wall will be united under Jesse's bow.

And I will rule in her name!

Anyway, we have to make sure AISHA is prepared for--

Terry! Do you have AirPods in again?

You know I can't tell when you're listening to me

or some fucking podcast about bread.

I am, but they're not on.

I want the look of earrings without the commitment of ears.

It's the most important day of the year for ship maintenance.

I need you to focus.

Ugh, don't strain those bitter tits, I'm on it.

They are strained!

AISHA will be offline for two hours

for her once-a-year software update.

Two hours!

Two hours isn't that long.

I've sat around doing literally nothing for longer than that.

We have to monitor the cockpit while she's shut down.

This is serious.

Let's get this update going.

I'm ready for my staycation.

Oh! You know, today's actually no bueno for me.

I have plans.

You just said you don't do anything!

Remember that auction at Jesse and what's-his-fuck's school?

I bid a ton of our blood-less diamonds

and won an afternoon with Nancy Silverton!

Who the fuck is that?

Uh, doy!

James Beard award-winning chef slash bread mogul.

She's coming over to personally teach me how to make her famous crust.

It was between her and a Scott Adams Zoom

where he teaches you how to be bitter.

You don't even like crust!

Only because I don't know how to imbue it

with personal umami!

Nancy Silverton's a big deal, Korvo.

She created Osteria Mozza.

She's got a whole Chef's Table episode!

Girl brought Umbria to Melrose.

Whatever. I couldn't care less about this crusty woman.

Can you at least pretend to care about the ship?

I do care!

In fact, there's something I wanna add to AISHA's update.

Really? I'd love to see you take some initiative.

Update away.

Accessing. Entering code.

Beep boop boop. Bypassing the proxy.

And done.

Recalculating estimate.

Update will now take 14 hours and 21 days.

What the fuck? We can't survive without AISHA for 21 days.

She scrubs the air, monitors all the neutrino levels.

Update protocol will commence in,

um, pssh, I don't know, like 40 seconds.

That's good enough.

- Wait, no!

We can override the countdown.

Grab the override ray out of the array of rays.

The what?

The ray closet, where we keep all the rays!

We use it all the time!

Okay, okay! Calm down, I'm on it.

Aw, fuck! Help!

Damn it! It's your job to keep the ray arrays arranged!

Why do we have a taco ray?

Grab the blue one over there

and shoot AISHA with it to buy me some time!

Got it.

Korvo? Where are you?

Ahh, I can't see anything!

Oh, God, am I dead again?

You shot us with the invisibility ray.

We're invisible! We have to get to AISHA before--

Bye, bitches!

Aisha? Aisha?

I just want to get ahead of any accusations

and say this is both our faults.

Fuck!

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,

until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa

and escaped into the... space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth,

stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name is Korvo. This is my show.

Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.

Ugh. This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

Everyone loves their phones, but they haven't invented a thing

that lets you transfer your consciousness into your phone

so that your body can die but your soul can live on

trapped for eternity as someone else's operating system.

Now that's a phone.

Ah, I can't see!

Are you sure we didn't get hit by the blinding ray?

I threw the blinding ray out last year

after I realized looking at the sun does the same thing

for half the price.

We're definitely both invisible right now.

But I can't see a fucking thing.

Is everything invisible?

The light-detecting roots and shmoots

in our Shlorpian eyes are invisible,

so the light's passing right through them

Ah, I see.

Our brains aren't receiving any information.

Being invisible makes us blind.

And now AISHA's shut down for a long fucking time!

What did you add to her system that was so important?

Emojis. Emojis!

Nobody uses those. We aren't teens!

I use them, and I like them!

They're cute and fun!

Ugh, I can't even see the clock

to monitor her updates.

Holy fucking shit.

Ugh. Nancy Silverton will be here in an hour,

and I'm not gonna be able to make crust with her

if she can't see me.

Fuck your crust! We have bigger problems.

Not me. How's she gonna correct my kneading technique

if she can't see my fingers?

We need to find the invisibility ray

and use it to re-visibilify us

because without AISHA, there's nobody with eyes

to make sure the whole ship doesn't fall apart.

Oh, come on, Korvy,

how often does the ship actually break?

Ow!

We have to keep the neutronium core from exploding

and destroying the northern hemisphere of the Earth twice a day.

Fuck! Ugh.

Why do you think I'm always running home in the middle of movies?

I thought you needed to fart in the privacy of your own home.

Yes, and prevent the ship from exploding.

Ugh, fine.

I'll start feeling around for the stupid ray.

Come on.

Oops. Fuckin', where is it?

Ow! Terry, you bitch.

Did you leave a compartment open?

Korvo! I'm sick of you blaming me for everything!

Then stop fucking up all the time.

You suck so bad!

Did you just take a swing at me?

I felt a fist-shaped breeze go past my face.

Hell yes, I threw down!

You apologize right now!

I'm sorry... that you're a dick!

That's it. I'm sick of your shit.

You've had this beatdown coming for a long time!

Hey, fuckin' stop it!

Son of a-- You want some?

Fuck you. Fuck you! I'll kick your mound!

I'll do it, I'll kick you right in the mound.

Ow! God damn it! Eat shit!

Praise Bows!

Yes! Praise Bows!

Let them go first.

Ah! Please!

The ground's covered in ComfortGlide razors!

It's a trap! Fall back!

How did you know?

Jesse warned me that the heathens are full of tricks.

Push forward!

There will be trials ahead,

but you have been chosen by Jesse herself

to be a polka-dotted light in the darkness.

Praise Bows!

Praise Bows! Praise Bows! Praise Bows!

Praise Bows! Praise Bows!

Praise Bows! Praise Bows!

I hope you're happy. You make me squart my robes.

You shouldn't be squarting at all.

It's not my fault, you sicko.

Just focus on finding the ray.

Just focus on finding the ray.

God, I'm so sick of your bossy attitude.

Bossy? I'm the team leader, and you're the team follower.

We're not a team.

We're just two big spoons that got assigned to each other

that'll never work,

like Michael Jordan and Yosemite Sam.

If this is some Halloween bullshit, I'm out.

I told you that shit basic.

Yumyulack! Girl Yumyulack! We need your help!

Oh, boy, did somebody do a Honey, I Shrunk the Kids

on you guys?

No. Terry fucked up and shot us

with the invisibility ray, so we're blind now.

Why? It was an accident.

No. Why are you blind?

Ha! I knew it wasn't obvious.

Go ahead and tell 'em.

Tell 'em the insane reason why we're blind.

The roots and shmoots in our eyes are invisible

so the light's passing through them.

We need the invisibility ray. Do you see it?

Yeah. Yeah. Hang on.

Make some noise so I can aim at you.

La, la, la, la. Noise, noise, noise.

La, la, la. Oink, oink, oink.

You sound stupid.

Will you just make us visible again?

Okay. Okay.

Wait. We could use this to our advantage.

I'm listening.

No, no, no. Don't start getting ideas.

I need to organize my yeast.

The neutrino engine could explode!

I need to reboot AISHA!

If they can't see us,

they can't stop us from going on a fun sci-fi adventure.

You mean like a time travel adventure?

No! Those are too complicated.

We don't do that anymore.

Grab 'em!

Ow! Fuck!

Make us visible, and I'll let you clean the dishwasher.

It's really fun. There's lots of old, clean food stuck in the bottom.

Fuck that noise!

Why do I hear chronotomic fabric?

Don't you touch those time travel vests!

Uh, we'll be back in two shakes of a duck's dick.

Yay! As your leader,

I order you not to zip!

Hello, are you still here?

Yep. Not you.

I think I heard Yumyulack set the ray down

on the table.

Found it! Oh, wait. That's my hand.

Okay, now I found it!

Crap, that's the other hand.

Fuck me and my two hands.

Use your echolocation to find the table.

I don't wanna do that, it's embarrassing.

Come on, you got really good at it

when you got lost at Hedonism 4 last summer.

Just try. Come on.

You need to hit a higher register.

Then you do it!

Ugh, fuck this.

I need to get my double zero flour out and resting

or Nancy will be mise en pissed.

No, we're not done here!

The ship-- Yeah. Yeah. The neutrino engine.

I can't help with that anyway.

You're so perfect at everything, deal with it yourself.

I'm outta here.

Okay. That sounded expensive.

Terry, Terry, don't be a twunt.

What did you break?

It's crust time, motherfuckers!

Ah!

Ah.

Ow! Fuck! Ow!

Ow! So many stairs!

Ugh! Korvo, I fell down the stairs.

Good. You deserve it for abandoning me.

That's not nice!

I think I found it! Get back here.

Shit. You broke the fucking ray into big, chunky pieces!

Ugh, God damn it.

Ow. Son of a bitch!

Ow! Ah! Oh! Shit!

Whoa! Oh, God!

Fuck my life.

Oh, shit. Son of a bitch!

Oh!

There, there.

Go to Jesse, my child.

You could have helped him.

I did.

Look, it's a Game Boy, but it's broken.

The infidels destroyed their heat source

rather than accept Jesse into their hearts.

I fear the worst for our sweet Jessius.

We must slaughter every one of them whether they surrender or not.

They've been driven to madness by their own depravity.

Without heat, they're sure to be weak.

But some could still see the light. Right, Sister?

No! Jesse spoke to me. She wants them all dead.

I can sense Jessius nearby.

We must forge ahead.

Come on. Scale. Scale.

Where's the scale?

Terry-- Ow!

I hit my soft head again.

Help me set up.

I'm worried our kitchen is giving off CPK vibes.

You broke the ray!

We're stuck blind and invisible forever!

Yeah, yeah, forever's a long time.

Nancy's coming now.

If you won't respect me, then I won't respect your crust!

Ah!

You did not just throw

my heirloom Goop Jade Egg brand baking powder!

Oh, don't want me to break your stuff, huh?

Try making crust with no whatever this is.

That was peanut butter.

You don't need peeb for crust, you dork!

Quit it!

Nancy needs a peaceful, Italiano space.

This is not molto bene!

You know what?

I'm happy I destroyed the stupid invisibility ray.

At least this way,

I'll never have to see your ugly face again!

You take that back. You cherish my face! Ah!

Ow! Not anymore, I don't!

I'm done taking your shit!

Forget the ray, forget the mission.

I am moving out!

Soon as I can find the door.

Ah.

Fuck!

Terry?

Are you still here?

Yeah. I got confused about which side of the door I was on

and was too embarrassed to say anything.

I'm sorry I threw your nutrient powders.

I think something is broken in me that a ray can't fix.

You wanna know why I bid on an afternoon with Nancy?

Well, I thought it was 'cause you're a simp for Netflix celebs.

Yes, but also,

remember when we went on that vacation to Highland Park

and you had an amazing piece of pizza

and wouldn't stop talking about it?

That was Nancy's crust.

You always work so hard on the ship and lead us so good,

I, I just wanted to bring a little slice of Highland Park to you.

That's, that's very thoughtful of you, Terry.

Korvo, the reason I never want to help

with the sci-fi stuff is

I don't know math.

Not even basic math,

like the Goldbach Conjecture

or the real-valued function on a three-dimensional space?

You shame me. I am shamed.

I actually like that you don't know science stuff.

What? It makes me feel necessary,

like a hunky sexy science Shlorpian.

You were fronting for me?

I was fronting and stunting.

But we said we'd never front in this house.

Agreeing to that was my original front.

It is sexy when you know about the ship.

I got pretty hot

when you complained about the neutronium core.

It's always low on ions!

Mm. I'll tell you what,

that tech support tone makes me goosh.

What about when I yell at the fluidic processors?

Drives... me... wild.

Terry, take your goddamn clothes off.

Oh, I've been naked this whole time.

Oh, fuck.

Treat me like an Ektorp.

Call me a slutty little Malm.

Talk Swedish dirty to me.

But IKEA legal. They're so powerful.

Just do it after we cut away!

Ungh, Billy bookcase!

Ribba frames! Yes.

- God! Yes! Ugh, yes. - Ungh! Kallax shelving!

Keep saying IKEA merch, it gets me so fuckin' hot!

Allen wrench!

Home delivery!

Sustainability!

Meatballs!

Oh, fuck! Oh, Nancy Silverton must be here!

Hello? Terry?

It's Nancy.

She just walked in?

She's a legend. She does what she wants.

Just shut up and pretend we're not here.

I'm here for our Master Craft Crust Session?

What the hell happened in here?

Raw dough

and raw dog!

Well, someone pumped the yeast in here!

Get out here right now or I'm leaving!

Uh, hi, Nancy.

Hello, Mrs. Silverton.

Wh-who's there? Show yourself!

It's, it's me, Terry.

I, I accidentally got myself and Korvo here zapped

by an invisibility ray.

And we're blind and we're invisible

and I won't be able to knead dough with you.

It's all my fault!

Nancy, he cannot take all the blame!

This is Korvo, by the way.

I just learned about you today,

and now the ship's going to explode

if we can't get our sight back and I--

Hush. Both of you need to calm down.

There's no crying in the kitchen.

Hm, photon entanglement. I think I can help.

You can construct an invisibility ray?

No, but it's all ingredients.

Science, cooking. Everything has a recipe.

I'm Nancy fucking Silverton.

Just point me towards the basil.

It's ready.

Nancy, we love you,

but we have no idea what the tits is going on.

I created a re-visibility bouillabaisse.

It should restore you to the visible spectrum,

plus it's fucking delicious.

Now, where are you standing?

Lady, we have no idea where--

Oh, my God! It's so hot! It hurts so much!

I can feel my skin melting! I can see!

Thank you, Nancy Silverton!

Bon appetito!

It's iced shut.

Break it down.

It's empty.

Sister, where are the heathens?

They have to be here, I heard them.

Here!

You're goddamn right, I floss!

It's A Few Good Men electric toothbrush

in the shape of Jack Nicholson's character, Colonel Jessup.

Those damn fools must have escaped to the backyard.

They'll be dead in days!

"Montez told us you were coming.

Have fun freezing to death."

Sister, it's sealed shut with Nickelodeon Floam.

It's impenetrable when frozen.

We can still chip away at it.

It's not Gak, you fuckin' idiot.

This shit is stronger than cement!

Fuck you, Greg! We have to try!

They've ensnared us like rats!

They'll burn in the inferno of Yumyu-hell for this!

Yumyu-hell? Is that-- is that something new?

Silence!

In the first days, Jesse was a giver

but never giving back our old lives.

Her ways are mysterious. With faith, we are guided.

Get that door open now!

You know, you remind me a lot of Wolfgang Puck.

You smell similar too.

And where the hell have you been?

We went on an awesome adventure through time, remember?

It was sick!

The Pupa got us into the sexiest parties

and totally altered the space-time continuum.

He Yoko'ed the Spice Girls and discovered penicillin!

- Great. - Huh, we thought you'd be mad.

Did Korvo fix the ship?

Yes. And he got AISHA back online,

so the world isn't going to blow up,

but now Nancy McBackstabberton and Korvo

are becoming best friends in the kitchen.

Oh, Nancy!

Sounds like they're really vibing.

Sorry, Terry, Nancy S. is pretty cool.

You're the one who invited her in.

Rookie mistake.

She's an Alpha, and you're like one of the punctuation marks

that comes after the alphabet.

Hey, Nance? Got a minute?

I need a second opin' on these tomatoes I've been growing

in the front yard.

Of course! Beefsteak or heirloom?

Huh, I see Kentucky bluegrass and some dandelions,

I guess I could use the leaves, but I--

What the hell? Is this a time traveling vest?

Have fun cooking in your beloved ancient Rome!

You're going to love how open

and irregular this crumb is.

Where's Nancy?

She had to scoot, official Chi Spacca business.

They ran out of bone-in shrimp.

Too bad, we were just about to whip up

a second batch of sourdough.

Want to knead with me, Terry?

Yeah. I would love to.

Huh?

Sister Sisto?

She dropped her Holy Bowble.

This must be how she speaks to Jesse!

Sister!

Why are you following me?

Y-you left behind your Holy Bowble.

I thought you'd need it to commune with Jesse.

That's why you're here, right? So she can help us?

Right, right, yes, of course.

I was coming here to commune with Jesse.

You mustn't be here when she arrives--

The last of the rations?

Sister, what, what are you doing?

Oh, please. You really can't see

that the church, the holy war, the "word of Jesse"

has all been a way to control people?

No, no, it's Jesse's light.

What the fuck does that even mean?

She's a little alien. She doesn't even emit light.

Wait, it's, it's not a metaphor?

Oh, my God, you're pathetic.

- You're, you're testing me. - Ugh.

No one understands the Wall like I do.

I've been watching the tides of power

and when I had my chance, I grabbed it.

The Wallians craved someone to give them a fantasy.

They wanted to be owned, so I owned them.

But, but Halk?

You said Jesse could bring him back to life.

Even if she could,

why would she bring back your loser husband?

You made it all up?

You should have escaped when you had a chance.

Everyone in the Wall is going to die because of you!

Good. I'm glad!

You really think I give a rat's ass?

You are all going die in this stupid fucking Wall,

while I go out into the world and live!

I'm going to sell my story to Simon & Schuster for $5,000!

Aw, geez, I think I stepped on a grape.

Oh, hi there, little friend. Did you get lost?

Uffda, this Wall's smellin' pretty funky.

Yum hasn't been taking good care of you guys.

What's your name?

Blist-- I mean, Nova. My name is Nova.

Cool name!

If it's okay, could you please fix the temperature inside the Wall?

Sure! Easy peasy. Here ya go.

Thank you! Oh, and my husband, he--

Okay, you take care now!

I'll get you some Lucky Charms later as a treat.

Sisto is dead.

She was a false prophet, preying on us

because we believed in something greater.

Jesse saved us all.

Her divine touch is already warming our land.

Someday, our brothers and sisters

who Sisto forced out of the Wall will find their way back.

If they survive the backyard,

they'll return to find the Wall better than ever before.

Because from now on,

we build friendships instead of barriers.

There will be no more power-hungry dictators or bloody wars.

There will only be people who care and support each other

and a lasting peace inside the Wall!

It starts now.

Our winter is over!

Feel the warm air,

the wind of change that brings a new life for us all.