Original subtitles

- Oh, that's beautiful, Gregory, beautiful.

Slowly in, slowly.

That's fine.

Keep your hands up, darling.

That's lovely.

Yes, keep on the head, Gregory.

Slowly pan down.

Splendid.

Now, how about the hands on the hips, darling, eh?

Oh, that's very good, baby.

Now, how about just a little smile to the camera?

Oh, that's beautiful.

Come around, baby.

Don't be shy.

That's nice.

Now, to the right.

Yes, yes, now to the left.

Oh, very good.

I should explain that this sequence

has nothing to do with the film you are about to see,

unless, of course, you call being a peeping Tom

one of...

which it isn't.

It's just that this young lady happens to be

a close personal friend of mine and I promised

to get her into pictures.

I'll see you back in the dressing room, baby.

All right, Gregory.

Let us look at the opening credits.

Idiot.

Okay, Arnold.

Roll 'em.

Uh-huh. Mm-hm.

What are those numbers doing up there?

Arnold, keep your mind on your work.

Now what's going on?

Arnold, stop living in the past.

Oh, no.

No, not again.

Arnold, stop showing your home movies.

Arnold.

Right, Arnold, let us show them the first scene.

And it's not that one.

Clayton.

Good morning, Mr. Elsinore.

Clayton, give me a cigarette.

Help yourself, Sir.

- I don't know how you smoke these things.

Sorry, Sir.

Clayton?

Can I fill you up, Sir?

- No, a packet of tissues, please.

Packet of tissues?

Yes.

Right, then.

Thank you very much.

Thank you for your custom.

Do call again.

- I embarrassed you there, didn't I, Clayton?

No, no, Sir.

What?

Yes, Sir.

Quite.

Which is why I'm the man in the back of the Daimler

and you are driving it.

- Ah, but money isn't everything, Sir.

You see, what I always say is we're all given--

- I don't know what you were talking about

behind that glass plate of yours, Clayton.

One thing I'm sure of, it was wrong.

Money isn't everything?

Let me tell you something, Clayton.

Everything comes to he who takes,

not he who waits.

Talking about waiting,

I'm going to the office, now.

You'll wait here.

I'll be going to the city shortly.

Understand?

Yes, Sir.

Oh.

Just a moment.

What do you think you're doing?

- There's a fifty-pence piece there, Sir.

It's gone down the drain, Sir.

Well, it wasn't ours, was it?

It certainly wasn't ours.

It was mine and you've lost it.

It's your fault.

No, Sir--

- If you hadn't tried to steal it from me in the first place

it wouldn't have gone down there.

I didn't--

- You've lost my fifty-pence piece.

No, you see, you've got--

- I don't want your fifty-pence piece.

I want my fifty-pence piece.

Well, what can I do, Sir?

- If you want to impress me with your capabilities,

you'll get it for me.

- Mr. Elsinore, I shall get that fifty-pence piece

even if I have to dig up half of London to do it.

Good lad, Clayton.

- Here, do you reckon he's having a faint?

No, he's probably a student.

- What do you reckon he's partying?

May I?

Well, I--

I don't think this is gonna work.

Well, it don't matter anyway.

Half the fun of fishing is just sitting there, isn't it?

I can't wait about.

I'll have to get down there.

Help.

♪ When I'm calling you

♪ Ooo ooo ooo

That's not funny anymore.

That could have made me slip, that could.

You know what that means in our business.

Right.

You keep your gear on.

♪ When I'm calling you

♪ Ooo Ooo Ooo

- Have you got permission to fish down that drain?

- A fellow lost some money down there.

Where is he then?

He's gone down after it.

Are you pulling my leg?

I wouldn't mind.

No one down there.

Look here.

I've got a strike.

Hey.

There is someone down there.

Hey, hey.

What's going on here?

Hey.

Oh.

Who are you, then?

I'm a chauffeur.

- You haven't got your car down here?

No, I haven't.

Oh.

That's all right then,

because driving's not allowed down here.

I'm caught on this fish hook.

Fishing's not allowed either.

Here, what's your bleeding game up there?

Language, language.

There are ladies up here.

Where?

- If you can see my buttons gleaming down there,

you'll know that you're talking to a WPC.

A Well-Protected Crotch?

They've got no jurisdiction down here.

- Can you hear me down there?

- Shall we sharp-bandy words with the likes of her?

No.

Would you just get this fish hook?

- Come down here, telling us how to run our sewers.

Can you hear me down there?

Hello?

Don't you walk away from me.

Hello?

You won't escape from me, you know.

Hello?

What was it you lost again?

A fifty-pence piece.

In a tin can?

In a tin can.

Down that hold back there?

Yes.

That hole back there.

Right.

Now, let's see.

You got your main flow running East.

Now, that's deflected by the inlet from the West End.

Very nasty area, that West End.

Let me see.

What are you doing?

Testing the warm air currents.

We've got a lot of warm air currents through here.

All the warm air comes through in here.

We've got about a three-knot flow.

Should be well up your North Passage by now.

Up there.

You can't miss it.

Help.

Oh, you did.

- Here, what do you reckon he does with

the fish he catches?

I reckon he throws 'em back.

Thank God for that.

- If I'd known you were so lovely,

I'd have never shouted at you.

Oh, you startled me.

I think I've got something.

You filthy beast.

What?

- Think you can do what you please?

- You're not even safe in a sewer nowadays.

North Passage.

Mr. Elsinore?

I've found it.

Mr. Elsinore?

Thank you.

Not a bad day.

Anyone seen a chauffeur?

I think he went down that way.

Bloody fool.

Clayton? Clayton?

Mr. Elsinore, I found it.

Good, because you're fired.

But I found it, Mr. Elsinore.

I found it.

Mr. Elsinore? I found it.

Mr. Elsinore, there's a--

Mr. Elsinore?

I found it, Mr. Elsinore.

- I'm trying to make a picture and

I'm getting no co-operation and no collaboration

of any kind.

Suddenly, everyone has disappeared.

They're all expecting me to do this

whole thing on my own.

For heaven's sake, where is everybody?

Why can't I get any help, or even assistance?

Where has everybody got to, for heaven's sake?

- Envy, Scene One, Take One.

That's it.

That's the house I want.

I've always envied that house.

When I used to walk past it,

I used to think how lovely to live there.

- I don't think that one's for sale.

Well, make them an offer.

You won't know until you've made them an offer.

Besides, who was it that stuck the pin

in the football coupon?

You, love.

- And who was it who come up with 250,000 pounds

first dividend?

You, love.

Right.

Well, that's the house I want.

- But what shall I say to them?

How do I know?

You're the one who's got all the chat,

you and your amateur dramatics.

Operatics.

It's all the same.

And don't talk common.

Do your posh voice,

the one you done in The Student Prince.

It's all right, dear.

I'll go.

- Have you ever thought of moving?

Moving?

Yes, moving.

Moving what?

- Well, there's some lovely houses in this area, no?

Look at this one.

Six beds, four receps, oil-fired central heating.

This one.

Eight beds, two baths, two receps.

Thank you, not today.

All right then.

Sell this one, then look around.

No, not today.

- I'll give you a good price, you know.

35,000 pounds.

Good of you to call.

Good day.

37,000.

- Who was that at the door, dear?

- Sort of a traveling estate agent.

He was selling houses.

You didn't buy one I hope.

Oh, no. Never.

- Doesn't do to buy things from people at the door.

Look at the brushes I bought.

38,000.

I saw Mr. Parker today.

How is he?

38,000 cash.

I can make out a check now.

I've got the checkbook.

Look.

- He said his leg was much better.

Good.

All right, then

40,000.

- You know, we haven't had a rummage in the attic for ages.

No, we have.

Let's.

Yes.

You can have it all in fivers.

We've got plenty of cash.

My wife's not short of a bob or two.

I made them an offer.

They're thinking about it.

About three minutes.

How long do they want?

Get back in.

Right, love.

Have you decided yet?

Hello? Hello?

I did knock, but nobody answered.

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Do you mind if I have a look around?

I say, do you mind if I have a look around?

Yoo-hoo.

I say.

Hello?

Have you made up your mind yet?

I'm sorry.

I didn't know you were in there.

There's a house going on the river

for 35,000 and it's got two more rooms.

- Darling, you really must lock this door.

Anybody might come in on you.

Strangers, or anybody.

- If you want more time to think about it, say so.

I've made her an offer.

She's thinking about it.

I'll be in touch, then.

I'll be in touch.

I say, if I come back in half an hour,

could you let me--

Are they letting us have it?

They didn't say.

Well, go back and ask them.

Go back and ask them?

Are you going to let us have it?

Well? Are they selling?

I don't think so.

Oh, yes they are.

We can't make them, you know.

Of course we can.

How?

Subterfuge.

Resident's Association.

I wonder if you could sign this, old man?

It's a petition about the new airport.

Airport?

Yes.

They'll be taking off right over your heads.

They've all signed, all the neighborhood.

But, why--?

Because of the hideous--

the noise.

- I'm sorry, I can't quite hear you.

It will be deafening.

What will?

The noise.

What noise?

The airplanes.

What airplanes?

- The airplanes at the new airport they're

building up the road.

- Are they building it up the road?

Oh, yes.

Then certainly I'll sign.

Oh, you don't know the favor you're doing me.

It will be a boon, won't it?

Save all that dreadful journey out to Heathrow.

Splendid, splendid.

Good morning.

- Just check it over and sign there, would you?

Just to say you've had it.

I haven't had it yet.

- You're going to have it right now.

Am I?

Aye. And here it is.

- What am I supposed to do with it?

Fire it, of course.

That's your distress rocket,

and here's your rubber dinghy.

Hello?

Oh, there you are.

Issued to everybody in case of danger.

I'm not in danger, am I?

If that new embankment goes,

you'll be 40 feet underwater.

But not to worry.

You'll have two minutes warning.

Only two minutes?

Well, thirty seconds really,

but we don't want to panic people, do we?

No.

That's the idea.

Here's your life belt.

You'd better put it on straight away.

Do I have to wear it?

Night and day.

Next to my skin?

Anyway you like.

It's not very pretty, is it?

Well, have I got everything?

I suppose you have, really.

- Where would you like me to put this, dear?

- You put it where you like, darling.

What's this cord you've got hanging down here?

I think you'll have to stop rubbing that cream on, darling.

Hello there, mon.

I'm your new next-door neighbor.

Oh.

- Yes, just moved in with the family.

The wife's family, the cousin's family and

the two brother-in-law's family.

All 22 just moved in.

22 people?

No, 22 families.

And now we're all going to open a

Caribbean calypso club next door.

So, anytime you want any of that old

West Indian music, mon,

just come along in there.

Oh, mon, that music.

- Excuse my asking, but you are colored, aren't you?

Of course, definitely.

Splendid.

Because I believe you people are the only ones

who can make that kind of music.

I could listen to it all night.

- I must say, I think they've done a good job.

I should hope so.

It cost enough.

- Just delivering your newspaper.

- You're the man who offered us 40,000 for the house.

Yes, Sir, I am,

but I do a newspaper round on the side, you see.

It all helps out.

Good morning.

Oh, I say.

Bad news?

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

Something wrong then?

Good heavens.

It will come straight through here then.

Yes.

All this stuff will be coming down.

Yes.

I suppose you wouldn't still be--?

I might be.

It's only the land they're after, you see.

Oh, oh.

Well, it's all yours.

I knew we'd get it.

I just knew.

Yes.

Oh, by the way.

They were right about the road.

Oh, yes?

Oh, yes.

Ready, darling?

Yes, sweetheart.

Take that thing away.

No, no.

Find one for yourself.

Ten?

No, I guess not.

Get back, get back.

- Beautiful, darling. Beautiful.

I will make you an underwater star, my liebchen.

Now, just wave your tentacles to show that you love him.

Oh, that's fantastic.

You don't have to overplay, baby.

What happened to the lights?

That's the one I want.

Are you quite sure?

Positive.

I have others.

No, that's the one I want.

- Well, you're the one who's paying.

Jean?

Is that what you had in mind?

- That's exactly what I had in mind.

Right. Bob?

Beautiful, baby, beautiful.

- And in our Spring campaign for Slimmo Biscuits,

we can't over-emphasize the perils of over-eating.

We must also think thin and fight fat that is fatal

with Slimmo Biscuits.

Sign for it on behalf Slimmo Biscuits,

Stockholm, AB, Richard Clements, advertising manager.

How many copies?

To all departments.

- You really believe in our product,

don't you, Mr. Clements?

- Miss Johnson, how could a man sell a product

unless he believes in it with all his heart?

Eight Slimmo Biscuits a day and you'll have

no desire for any other food.

You did say all departments?

You really do love those biscuits, don't you?

What is it?

Miss Benson just rang down.

She'll be coming to see you in five minutes.

Thank you.

Come in.

- Can you spare me a few moments?

Yeah, yeah of course.

- You sure I'm not disturbing you?

No, no.

No, not at all.

Uh-uh.

I realized we never had the chance

to discuss the new campaign properly.

Well, I suppose we could.

- It's so difficult with all the distractions

in the office.

Yes, it is.

- If you would care to come to my apartment one evening,

we might have a better chance.

Yes.

We might.

And also, we might have--

and now I am going to suggest

something rather naughty.

Oh?

- Braised duckling, new potatoes, petit pois and stuffing.

But we couldn't.

What would they say?

Do they have to know?

But you're the Vice President.

You were the one who said

we must all keep our weight down.

And so we must, Dickie.

But this is a very special occasion.

It's a chance for us to get to know each other.

So, Thursday evening, eight o'clock.

My place.

Right?

Right.

Petit pois.

Braised duck

and stuffing.

Oh.

- Organically sound but you've put on

five pounds, 15 ounces.

But I couldn't have.

The scales never lie.

What do you weigh?

Nine stone four.

Now, what have you been eating?

- All I've had is eight Slimmo Biscuits a day.

What are you doing?

What's this?

And this?

Now, look--

And this? And this?

You're a walking repository of carbohydrates.

As company doctor, I'm duty-bound to report anyone

who's shown signs of obesity.

But, you wouldn't.

- Well, I might overlook it this time.

What have you had to eat today?

Well, there was this doughnut.

Cream?

Jam.

Jam?

A bowl of rice pudding.

Bowl of rice pudding.

And a sandwich.

A sandwich?

Contents of sandwich?

Ham.

York?

Virginia. Honey-baked.

Oh, God.

Cheese.

Cheddar?

Dutch. Danish bleu. Castello.

Oh, my God.

- Salami sausage, tomato sauce, and it was toasted.

And it was toasted.

There's only one answer for you.

Plan B.

Plan B?

But that's only two Slimmo Biscuits a day.

Exactly.

And you'll remain on Plan B for at least two weeks.

Otherwise--

Excuse me.

I must go and have a quick conference.

- Baked Virginia ham, Dutch Danish bleu,

salami sausage and tomato sauce.

And it was toasted.

Oh.

Braised duck.

New potatoes.

Petit pois.

And stuffing.

Braised duckling.

New potatoes.

Petit pois and stuffing.

- I just came to tell you it's off.

What is?

The duck.

They've got me on Plan B.

Never mind.

It will do you all the good in the world,

make you a lot fitter.

How do you know?

I invented it.

After all, look what it did for me.

We must watch our calories.

Yes, we must.

Oh, I was so looking forward to that duck.

Is that it?

I'd better turn it off.

I can see it's worrying you.

No, no.

Sniffing it can't hurt you, can it?

- No, and after all, I will have to keep

my strength up, won't I?

Anyway, let's see if I can take your mind off it.

Tell me, how do you like my new perfume?

It's lovely.

It's, it's...

no, no, don't tell me.

Chanel?

No.

Givenchy?

No, don't tell me.

Don't tell me.

It's, it's...

It's oxtail soup you've got on there?

Oh, Dickie.

After all, when two people like each other,

nothing else matters.

Have you done it with parsley?

Who?

- I think I must go to the bathroom.

The bathroom is that way.

Indigestion tablets.

What happened?

- I tried to open the window and it fell on me.

Oh, my poor boy.

Why don't you sit back?

Let it ring.

Perhaps it's the office.

It might be important.

Yes, yes, of course.

Goodbye, then.

Now, where were we?

I think I'd better leave.

- No, you'll only go to have dinner.

Stay here and I'll keep you out of temptation.

Oh, darling.

You're so demonstrative.

It's very hot in here.

You're so right.

I'll change into something cooler.

Patience, darling.

Soon, darling, soon.

Darling, I'm ready.

Darling?

Are you there, darling?

Just cooling off, darling.

Well, do hurry, darling.

Four pound duck, underwater?

Well, don't worry.

We'll save you, but don't move.

Just lie there.

I take it he didn't get to the pudding.

No, he didn't get that far.

Pity.

I like something that's rather sweet.

I'm sure you do.

- Perhaps I'd better take a look at it.

Perhaps you should.

Beautiful, beautiful.

- Do you really think so?

- I've never had anything like it in my life.

- I'm so glad you like it.

- Do you know when I touch it,

it goes wobbly-wobbly-wobbly?

- Now, Gregory, we have a nice shot here, you see?

And a quick pan to that one over there.

That would be very good, very good indeed,

but for this name, I want it sharp, really sharp.

Hello, darling.

You doing anything tonight?

Because if you're not, I might be the fellow like,

the fellow you've been looking for like.

You and me might sort of paint the town red like.

Oh, God.

I've got to stop using that word "like. "

What about the more whimsical approach?

Play it a bit sad.

No, someone come up to a bird looking like that,

she'd call the law.

Eyelids don't lend themselves to whimsy.

They're more like cruel and sensual.

You will learn to play the piano, Jessica.

You will.

Oh, God.

God, God.

Now, if I was a bird, would I fancy me?

Would I?

You must be joking.

Still, I might be all right tonight.

I think I'll have a little wander out West,

see if Lady Luck waggles her hips in my direction.

No good wandering anywhere with that open.

Bunch of gutless looking fellows and they get birds.

Look at that.

Alistair all bubble-and-squeak.

Him and the boats.

How do you do, bird?

Easy to get birds if you've got a yacht.

Hello, darling.

Care to come aboard?

That's a girlie.

Well, up anchor.

Full steam ahead.

You can't get out and walk now, darling.

You're lumbered.

Yeah, if I had a yacht, I'd have thousands of birds,

a different one for every night of the year.

But, right now, I'd be happy with just one.

It's not asking for the moon, is it?

What is wrong with me?

Why can't I get a bird?

It all looks so easy on the telly.

Unzip a filter tip.

You're never alone with a banana.

B. O.

Yeah, just scrub under the armpits

with a lump of old soap and voila.

Straight into bed with some ripe little girl

and--

Bleeding laundry.

Except in real life, it don't work out that way, do it?

I mean, there must be birds in the same position as me.

It stands to reason.

I mean, who are they aiming them commercials at?

Listless hair ruined my social life.

I can't even get the ones with listless dandruff.

I must save up some more fag coupons.

Certainly not.

I'm all on the out.

It's not right.

It's not fair.

I am 38 years old.

I've got natural needs.

Now, check bird-hunting equipment.

Lighter.

Pardon me, Miss.

Was you looking for a light?

Yeah.

Pretty useful for opening conversations with birds, that is.

Right.

You're sitting on the train.

There's a rather dolly looking bird sitting beside you.

She's rummaging around her bag for a cigarette.

She takes one out and now she's looking for a match.

Right, in you go.

Not bad.

I have to clip one or two seconds off of that,

otherwise some right looking geezer might

beat me to it.

That's better.

Ambrose Twombley, the fastest lighter on the Bakerloo.

What, foreign phrase books for chatting up au pairs

and other sundry foreign crumpets.

Spanish-English, Swedish-English,

How To Say It in German.

I'll have to get some on the way there.

Right.

All set then.

All right, off we go then.

That's good, isn't it?

You had your chance and missed it.

The fastest lighter on the Bakerloo?

More like the Phantom Fire-Raiser from Finchley.

Anyhow, she knows you're there.

She probably wants chatting up anyhow,

but she'll only let you as long as you let her pretend

she doesn't want to know and you talked her

into it in the first place.

Right, chat her.

Go on.

Now.

Hello, darling.

You're going to London alone, darling?

What did you say?

I do beg your pardon.

You called me "darling. "

I distinctly heard you call me "darling. "

I'm very sorry.

I thought you was a young lady.

I mean, I thought--

I know what you thought.

I know very well what you thought.

That's nice, isn't it?

Charming, eh?

Cor blimey, a gentleman can't ride on

the London Underground by himself now

without being accosted by every passing pervert.

What can I say?

You were a girl before, only you changed.

I mean--

I heard what he said.

He called you "darling. "

Asked me if I was on me own.

They can't help it, you know.

It's the hormones.

I've read about them.

He's desperate, he is.

Hormones.

Me neighbor's boy's got 'em.

Hormones.

- Of course, you know, you can get pills for 'em now.

Well, they tell you you can anyway.

Where to then?

Probably I'll just hang about by the ticket office upstairs.

That's the place.

Birds waiting for their dates.

One of them's bound not to show up.

Yeah, I'll hang about upstairs.

Blimey, look at that.

Now, that's deliberately titillating

my lower sensibilities, that is.

Oh.

That's a possible.

Legs not bad, looks a bit nasty.

Yeah, I think I'll hang about upstairs.

Hormones.

- Now then, Ambrose, hang about a bit nonchalant.

Take your time, no hurry.

Remember, you are not rugged, I mean,

you're after big game.

Passing pervert.

Now, which little darling's going to get lucky tonight?

That one?

No, she's too tall.

Tall ones always giggle.

Mm. Not bad.

Typist, maybe.

No, no.

Her fingernails is too long for a typist.

Receptionist, perhaps?

Uh-oh. She's got them funny stockings on.

Probably hiding blotchy legs.

I can't stand blotchy legs.

Oh, that's better.

No, it's not.

Oh, God. The mouse is still here.

Oh, truth.

Oh, that's it, isn't it?

Definitely a Swedish au pair on her night off,

lost in a foreign city.

Right, now's me chance.

Just don't run away.

"Are you the ticket collector?"

"Which way to Platform 5?"

"Can I help you, Madam?"

Can I help you, Madam?

I beg your pardon?

Having some trouble, Gert?

Wait, he's foreign.

I think he's lost.

Are you lost?

Are you still at it?

You have got them hormones.

You'll wanna watch him.

You, what's your game?

You trying to pull my bird?

You better watch it, son, or I'll have you, mate.

I'll have you, son.

I'll have you, son?

Who does he think he's kidding?

I'm not the type that frightens easily.

Can I help you?

I'll have this one.

50 pence, Sir.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I'll have a bit of a read.

Never hurts to look a bit intellectual.

Filthy swine.

That's typical days.

I bet he's got more hormones than I have.

Hello.

That's a bit much, isn't it?

I mean, I'm not a prude,

but that's a bit much in public.

Talk about flaunting your wealth.

Hello, she's going off.

I guess she didn't have blotchy legs.

Let's see.

That leaves...

the mousy bird.

Oh, well.

Beggars can't be choosers.

Shall we have a go?

Blimey, don't tell me she's going and all.

No, she's been stood up.

She's going to phone the boyfriend,

find out what went wrong.

This calls for immediate action.

Right.

He's out.

He has stood her up.

He ain't gonna be here.

All right, Twombley.

This is your last chance.

Come on, darling.

Answer it.

Hello?

Jane, is that you?

No.

That's funny.

I dialed 734-double 1-29.

That's right.

Only it's a call box.

- Well, it appears I have been stood up.

I know the feeling.

Really?

Fancy that.

Two destinies come together.

Ships that pass in the night.

Ships?

Are you a sailor?

No.

What I'm trying to say is,

I feel as if I know you already.

I know what you mean.

Well, you know what I mean.

Exactly.

Oh, you put it so much better than I do.

By the way, my name is Ambrose.

Hello, Ambrose.

Hello.

What's your name?

No, don't tell me.

Let me guess.

Greta.

How'd you know?

I don't know.

Shot in the dark, I suppose.

Or perhaps it's because I once

knew a girl called Greta when I was a little boy.

Pretty little thing, she was.

She's got blue eyes, blonde hair,

a lovely little turned-up nose,

got a mole on her cheek.

Mole?

Just under the right eye.

What about her?

Oh, nothing really.

Just I was madly in love with her for a while.

She never knew, of course.

I wonder what happened to little Greta Spavin

from Willesden.

My name's Greta Spavin.

That's my name.

What do you know about that?

- Hear now, you weren't that nice little boy

that used to push me on the swings

in Gadstone Park, were you?

You do remember.

- I've often wondered what become of you.

- Look, Greta, it just so happens I'm doing nothing tonight.

I wonder if we could sort of meet and have a coffee.

I can't tonight, Ambrose.

I'm waiting for my date.

Only, he ain't shown up.

I was trying to phone him when you called.

Well, he won't show now.

Well, he might.

No.

Greta, look, Greta.

Listen.

Please meet me.

Just for a talk.

I mean, it's just that it's rotten being on your own

on a Saturday night.

Will you?

Meet me, I mean?

Just for a talk.

Well, all right.

There's just one problem.

What's that then?

- There's a right idiot in the next box to me.

He's been following me all night.

Funny-looking little man.

He looks like a monkey.

Well, as soon as I get rid of him,

I'll be there.

You choose the place and I'll meet you.

And if I'm ever gonna meet you then--

Ambrose?

Hello?

Hello, Ambrose?

It's all right, he's gone now.

Ambrose? Ambrose?

- There goes one plane

and there goes another one.

That was one of ours.

Keep the camera on those planes.

Now, now you must use the tripod, Gregory.

Gregory, use the tripod.

You idiot, you idiot.

Well, go on, then.

Back up.

I beg your pardon?

I said, back up.

I can't get past here, can I?

I suggest you back up.

I'm not backing up.

Oh, no.

It's not up to me to back up.

I know me highway code.

I'm further up the lane than you are.

You most certainly are not.

I am and that's the law.

The one furthest up the lane has the right-of-way.

- Don't keep on about being further up the lane.

There's a good chap.

- Don't you "there's a good chap" me, mate.

Don't you "mate" me.

Are you gonna back up or not?

Certainly not.

I see.

Well, that's it then, isn't it?

I got all day.

Go on, Albert.

Back up.

Me? Oh, no.

I'm further up the lane than he is.

It's up to him to back up.

- You've got to win every time, haven't you?

- I'm in the right and I'm not moving.

So, sit there and shut up.

- Why don't you back up, Charles?

It won't take a minute.

Certainly not.

We are further up the lane than they are.

Don't be so childish.

I'm not being childish.

- You always have to be in the right, don't you?

Look, see here.

Would you please leave this to me?

Just sit there and keep quiet.

Just honk all day, mate.

I've switched off.

While I'm here,

I might as well kill two birds with one stone.

I see.

Well, two can play at that game.

Charles.

I need one anyway.

Now, look here.

This has gone far enough.

Don't lean on my car.

- I was just resting my hand on the windscreen.

Well, don't.

Don't touch the car.

I don't like people touching my car.

- Look, it would be much easier for you

to back up your car than it would for me to back up mine.

- You've got no right coming up a lane like this

with a great car that size.

- I am entitled to drive my car wherever I please.

- You think because you've got a Rolls-Royce

we've all got to drive up the bushes to let you get by.

Oh, I see.

That's it, is it?

You resent the fact that I have a Rolls-Royce

while you have a...

what is it?

Don't matter what it is.

It's stopping you, isn't it?

- Are you going to back up this heap of old tin

or am I going to have to push you back?

What did you call my car?

Albert.

Keep out of this.

What did you call my car?

A heap of old tin,

which, if necessary,

I shall drive up to and push back right the way

down to the other end of the lane.

And if you do,

I shall push your teeth right the way down

the other end of your throat.

Right.

We'll see about that.

- Charles, you're not going to brawl in public.

You know, there are times when I find it

extremely difficult not to laugh at you.

Thank you, my dear.

It is always encouraging to know

that one's wife is on the side of the enemy.

Oh, do what you like,

but watch your blood pressure.

- Honestly, I don't think we've ever been

out in the car without you getting involved in something.

If it's not a fight, it's sticking your head out the window

and shouting at people.

You can always stay at home.

- Just remember what the doctor said about

your vericose veins.

Before we start,

what are we fighting for?

Loser backs up?

- In that case, you might as well back up right now.

Well, don't you be so sure.

Yeah?

- I'm going to smash you within an inch of your life,

you loudmouth lout.

You opera-house twit,

I'm gonna beat the daylights out of you.

- Come on, you vulgar little man.

Here, it's real now.

I went all tight before.

It'd be a pleasure to smash your head in.

- Put your hands up, put your hands up.

Stop backing away, you coward.

Who's backing now?

Careful, you nearly got one in.

- You think I can't take care of myself?

Oh. Oh.

- Can I be of any assistance, Sir?

It's a good job you arrived.

He was just about to get the biggest

hiding of his life.

I was just gonna put him away.

All right, then.

Come on, let's see.

Come on.

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

Please.

Has there been an accident?

Not yet.

This fellow refuses to back up.

It's not for me to back up.

I'm further up the lane than he is.

No, you are not.

- Obviously, one of you will have to back up, won't you?

Gentlemen, I must, without fear or favor,

exercise my discretion.

Now, is that your car, Sir?

Naturally.

All right, come on.

Back up.

You bum.

Come along, Sir.

Please, come on.

Back up.

- It's not for me to move.

- Some people just don't know how to behave on the road.

Very nice car, these, aren't they?

Thank you very much.

- Has your AA badge fallen off by any chance, Sir?

Hm?

No, I only belong to the RAC.

Oh, dear.

Only people of your class of car usually belong

to both organizations.

Not that I have anything against the RAC, of course.

I know we don't boast the Royal prefix,

but our past president is the Duke of Edinburgh.

- Look, this is no time to tout the business.

Are you going to get him to back up or not?

- My first consideration must be,

regardless of my own personal feelings,

to our members.

- Hey, he's not one of your lot and I am.

- Do I understand that you are asking me to back up?

If you wouldn't mind, Sir.

Well, I bloody well do mind.

I'm not going to.

- Having a little spot of bother, Sir?

Yes, he won't back up.

Do you mind?

I'm speaking to my member.

You were saying, Sir?

- This car is blocking my way and

the driver refuses to back up.

- Have they been intimidating you, Sir?

We'll soon sort this out.

Come along there.

Back up.

- It's your duty to look after my interests.

That's what you're paid for.

- My member catagorically refuses to move his vehicle

in any other direction than forward.

Good lad.

- As a representative of the senior organization--

As the what?

Senior organization.

We were formed before you were.

Who's got the most members?

- It's quite obvious my member is farther

up the lane than your member.

- Well, there's an easy way to settle it.

That's our eldest.

He takes after his father,

unfortunately.

- Men are such children, aren't they?

Mine is.

Right pig-headed, he is.

- He can't be worse than mine, honestly.

He's on the board of 30 companies and

if they saw how he behaved at home,

they'd throw him off every one of them.

- Well, Albert, mine, he's a shop steward.

He's always the first one on strike.

He'll never amount to anything.

- Thank God his father left him money,

that's what I can say about mine.

More champagne?

Oh, thank you.

- Your member is 103 yards from the nearest lay-by.

- Your member is 101 yards from his nearest lay-by.

Right, he's nearest.

He backs up.

Now, just a minute.

Your member has a bigger car than my member.

- What's that got to do with it?

- Your member's vehicle is two yards longer

than my member's vehicle.

Ah ha.

Which means they're both exactly the same distance apart.

Well, then.

Hello, Harry.

Now, what seems to be the trouble here?

- His member's blocking my member's path.

- His member is blocking my member's path.

Yours?

Yes, that's right. Yes.

Yours?

Yes.

- You have got the MOT certificate?

Well, it's been done for.

Is the handbrake full-on?

Yes.

The indicators, please.

Right.

Well, if they were a bit bigger,

you'd be able to take off, wouldn't you?

I'm sure you'll be hearing from someone

in the next few days.

- Danger to the public, wrecks like that.

Driving license, insurance?

I beg your pardon?

Driving license. Insurance.

- Well, I don't normally carry them on me, Constable.

- Nearest police station in the next five days.

Well, so you both refuse to back up, do you?

Then, I'll be forced to take a legal decision.

Back up, lad.

Elsie?

Oh, excuse me.

I think we're off.

Yes.

Well, thank you so much.

It's been very nice.

Not at all.

It was a pleasure.

Thanks all the same.

Well? You feel better now?

Eh.

- Thank you very much, Constable.

- You may proceed now, Sir, if you wish.

We won, darling.

How clever of you.

- Yes, I'm quite pleased about that.

Stand up for what you believe.

It's the only way.

Oh, Constable?

How far is Lord Canewood's house?

Lord Canewood?

About a mile, Sir.

Oh. Thank you very much.

- I wouldn't go that way if I were you, Sir.

Why not?

Because he lives back there.

By the way, you won't be able to turn round,

so you'll have to back up.

Back up.

- I'm not backing up.

Back up.

Now, look here.

Will you get that thing out of here?

- You get your thing out of here.

- I've got the right-of-way.

Get it out of here.

- What about my right-of-way?

- Oh, for crying out loud.

Will you move that vehicle or not?

Cue the mountains.

Bring in the Roman soldiers.

Now, the chariots.

Oh, there is still something missing.

I was promised elephants.

I thought there was more than one.

I wonder if there is more?

I must speak to the casting department.

- Now, where is that other piece of tape?

Birth of a Nation,

Gone with the Wind,

ah, here we are.

My latest masterpiece.

- All my life I spent in the Army.

- Three pounds I pay and she won't

even let me keep a cat.

- 25 years, ended up a Company Commander.

I said to her, I said,

"You've got a cat, Mrs. Latimer. "

Scrap heap.

Big fat thing.

Never moves and when it does,

it makes a mess.

- 25 years and now I'm being pushed about

by an Acting Lance Corporal.

Look at the bike.

Go on.

Here he comes.

The pride of the Pioneer Corps.

What's it going to be this time?

- So, it's kindness to our feathered friends week

this week, is it, Sir?

May I remind you that those little creatures

already do receive a balanced diet.

Don't want their little crops stuffed up

with carbo-dehydrates, do we, Sir?

Right.

Let's have that litter in the basket then,

shall we, Sir?

He dropped it down.

He'll pick it up.

Come on, let's have it up.

Oh, do forgive me, Sir.

I forgot, you're too old, isn't you?

I'll do it for you, Sir.

- Of course, you realize I couldn't have done any of that.

I'm too old.

You've done it now, Sir.

It won't be just a fine for that, you know.

That's vandalism, that is.

I'll have the law on you for that.

I'll have the police after you.

Don't forget.

You're a witness.

- You know what we've got to do?

What's that?

- I'm afraid we've got to kill him.

You're not joking?

Nope.

Oh, good.

You mean you think we should?

Oh, yes.

Of course.

I've thought so for a long time.

Sandwich cream?

I must say.

You're a bit of a dark horse, Kenneth.

Nothing personal, but I'd always considered

you a bit wet.

You know, that Jarvis is a bastard.

Excuse the language.

Once we've taken care of him,

we should attend to your little problem.

That damn cat.

No.

That damn Mrs. Latimer.

- Oh, have another sandwich cream.

- After all, at our age, what have we got to lose?

That man has gone too far.

He's made me very, very angry.

Would you mind giving me a hand?

Certainly, old boy.

One. Two. Three.

Vandals, vandals.

Is nothing sacred?

George? George?

Here, what's going on here?

We should have tried my idea.

Shut up.

After you, Kenneth.

No, no. After you, George.

Very well. If you insist.

- Now you know what it feels like.

Hey, hey you.

What do you think this is, then?

Scots mist?

Yes, very nice.

Right. Right, mate.

I'll bury you.

If you think you can flaut law in my park

and get away with it, mate,

you've got another thing coming.

I'll have you, mate.

Don't go away.

Oh.

The bastard's indestructible.

I think I have the solution.

- He's indestructible, I tell you.

What are we?

- I've never really wanted to use this before,

but I fear we have an emergency.

What?

- Mrs. Latimer's homemade juniper wine.

I don't understand.

- When we've given some to Jarvis, you will.

There we are.

- Then I'll leave you to administer the potion.

Yes, all right.

Are you sure it will work?

- Well, I'd hate to tell you what it once did to me.

Well, it's worth a try.

Get on.

- Yes, well, not bad as a peace offering.

Mind you, don't imagine for one minute

that's going to get me to sit down on the job.

Oh, I'm sure it won't.

- You'll still have to mind your P's and Q's, you know.

About now, I should think.

Five, four, three, two, one.

You did fix the wires, didn't you?

No, I left that for you.

After all, you're the explosives expert.

Quick, before he finishes.

Well, it was worth it.

- Oh, yes. I do so agree with you.

It's perfect here.

And we can throw as much paper as we like.

Yes, of course.

Right.

Let's have all that litter up then, shall we?

Come on, look lively.

- What makes you think you've got control up here?

Impertinence.

- May I remind you that we are in Heaven?

Oh, no.

You're bloody well not.

Go on.

Get that litter up, come on.