All language subtitles for Sam.Morril.Same.Time.Tomorrow.2022.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

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[cheering]

[announcer] Chicago,

get nuts.

Make some noise for Sam Morril.

[audience cheers]

How are ya?

[cheering]

Thank you.

Ooh.

All right. How's it going?

Oh my God.

Finally, a shooting in Chicago

that doesn't involve a teenager.

This is gonna be great.

Uh…

It's good to be here.

The world. Terrible times
we're living in, so, you know.

I'll tell you what's a bad job, is cop.
That's a tough job, right?

You got all that power,
but they don't pay you enough.

You got a badge and a gun, but you make
sometimes less than a teacher.

Can you imagine
risking getting shot every day,

and you only make
a little bit more than a cop?

That's just…

[laughter]

The old…

[woman] Woo!

That's, you know…

[cheering and applause]

We call that
"the old switcheroo" in showbiz. That's…

[laughter]

No, cop is tougher than teacher.
You know how I know that?

There's no substitute cop.

[laughter]

That's not true. White women. But…

All right.

"I'm feeling unsafe."

"We're gonna need backup here."

[laughter]

A friend said, "You know
what's gonna help police brutality

is these body cams."

I was like, "Sounds like
you've never seen the show Cops."

[laughter]

That was the whole show.

[laughter]

That show was basically
police brutality but with sponsors.

[laughter]

Every episode was like,
"That guy's on crack."

"Let's beat the shit out of him."

[laughter]

"Brought to you by Axe body spray."

[laughter]

I went to a couple
of Black Lives Matter protests.

Every protest, for some reason,
has a white guy who climbs a tree.

[laughter]

I don't know why, but he is up there.

[laughter]

And he's cocky about it.

He's like, "You guys man the streets."

"I'm gonna handle up top."

[laughter]

If you say so.

I hear civil rights leaders, like,

"Weren't this many white guys here
in the '60s."

I'm like, "But did you look up?
'Cause they…"

[laughter]

"They're there.
You gotta look around a little."

I saw a guy in the park,

tall white guy in a T-shirt
that said, "Fuck racism."

And I was like, "Problem solved."

[laughter]

All it takes is the shirt.

I was embarrassed I forgot to wear
my "Islamophobes can suck my nut" hoodie.

We could… We could have teamed up.

You gotta wear your obvious beliefs
on your shirt. Everyone knows that.

I'm gonna roll into my friend's birthday
in a shirt that says, "Against baby rape."

[laughter]

My friends are gonna be like,
"Why are you wearing that?"

And I'm gonna be like,
"Are you for baby rape? Because…"

[laughter]

"…some of us are a little fed up."

[laughter]

I saw an article. It said the movie
Snow White is now problematic.

I was like, "All right."

Look, if a movie is 75-plus years old,

let's just assume there's a few problems…

[laughter]

…and go about our day.

We don't need a think piece every time.

But I read the article,

and it said,
"Look, the movie is problematic

because, uh, he kisses her
and she's sleeping."

"There's no consent."

I was like, "All right,
but it was a quick kiss

and it saved her life."

-It's not…
-[laughter]

It's not like he's making out with her
while jacking off, and, uh,

the dwarves are filming.

It was pretty tastefully done.

[laughter]

I don't think that movie
has ever inspired a sexual assault.

I don't think there's a dude in prison
right now, like, "Disney lied."

[laughter]

If you pass out
and get kissed by a prince,

it's not exactly
the worst-case scenario, you know.

I'm not saying it's okay, but that's…

If you're unconscious, that is
most likely not who's gonna kiss you.

[laughter]

[laughter continues]

Maybe Prince Andrew.
But normally, you know, it's…

Right? All right.

[laughter and applause]

Is the canceling real anymore?
I don't know.

Cut to me in a basement in two years,
like, "It's real. It's…"

"It's very real."
But some of it seems ridiculous.

Look at Dr. Seuss last year.

They were like, "He's canceled."
I was like, "I'm pretty sure he's dead."

[laughter]

He's not frantically checking
his Twitter right now.

[laughter]

I saw one that said,
"Dr. Seuss is under fire."

I was like, "He's underground."

"He's not with us anymore."

I guess he had some racist stuff
in some lesser-known children's books.

Of course, Tucker Carlson
comes on the news, like,

"They're coming for Seuss."

[laughter]

"It's Seuss today.
It could be any of us tomorrow."

[laughter]

"You need to pick a side
in the Seuss wars."

There were people spending thousands
of dollars on the racist Dr. Seuss books

for I don't know what occasion.
I don't know when you break those out.

"Daddy, will you read me Cat in the Hat?"

He's like, "Nah, I got the good shit."

[laughter]

"We're gonna do
a little Jew in the Zoo tonight." It's…

[laughter and applause]

It's amazing how openly anti-Semitic
some of these politicians will be too.

Like there was that representative
here in Illinois, Mary Miller.

She went viral 'cause she goes,
"Hitler was right about one thing."

"The youth is the future."

I was like, "Yeah, I don't think
you had to quote Hitler there."

[laughter]

"That's a pretty widely held belief."

"There's a Whitney Houston song
you could have mentioned."

[laughter]

"I don't think that was
a Führer exclusive, but…"

[laughter]

Like Ted Bundy always said,

it's better to ask for forgiveness
than permission.

[laughter]

Marjorie Taylor Greene
said she went to the Holocaust museum.

I was reading this article.

Knowing her, I thought the next sentence
was gonna be, "I don't buy it," but…

She went the other way.
She said it was worse than she thought.

Also weird for an adult to be like,

"You guys might not know this,
but the Holocaust was really bad."

[laughter]

Then she said,
"It wasn't just Jews in those camps."

And I was like,
"Yeah, but it was our thing."

[laughter]

If you were a non-Jew
in a concentration camp,

I bet you were looking around like,
"Is there someone I can talk to?"

[laughter]

"I think a mistake has been made."

[laughter]

Everyone around is complaining.
You're like, "You have it bad?"

"I'm not even supposed to be here."

[laughter]

"Surely there's a manager I can speak to."

"I know I sound like
one of them. I'm not."

[laughter]

She said Jehovah's Witnesses
were in the concentration camps.

Isn't it crazy there was a time

where people would knock on their door
and they were like, "Shit."

[laughter and applause]

Yeah. Water break.

[cheering]

I earned it.

[applause]

I watch too many
of those Holocaust documentaries,

and, uh, I was watching one,
they had this awful Nazi.

They named him "Ivan the Terrible."

One of the worst human beings ever.
Gassed more Jews than anyone.

Escaped. He's living in Ohio
with a family.

People swore his innocence.

They were like,
"He's never gotten a speeding ticket."

I was like, "It's him."

[laughter]

If you're a war criminal
trying to keep a low profile,

you're gonna be very careful
at every intersection.

I used to hate reckless drivers.

Now I see someone
going seven or eight below,

like, "You fucking Nazi pig."

[laughter]

"What are you hiding from?"

Been on the road a lot,
traveling every week.

I was going through security recently
at the airport in New York.

They have a giant sign
as you're going through security

that just said, "9/11."

"Never forget."

I was like, "I can't forget
before I board the flight?"

[laughter]

"You can't give me
three and a half, four hours

of maybe blocking that one out?"

[laughter]

We're one step away
from the pilot coming on,

"Hey, this is your captain.
Uh, it could happen again, guys."

[laughter]

"We're due."

"Keep your head on a swivel

'cause I've got a bad feeling
about today for some reason."

I've been traveling every week,
on the road.

I'm with my friend Gary a lot,

and, uh, you know,
we're leaving Columbus, Ohio, recently…

You ever behind someone in line and you're
like, "That's my least favorite person

in quite some time"?

And this woman
is just berating TSA. Just awful.

Yelling at this poor woman just nonstop.

Like, "Wow, you're so bad at this.
What's your name? I'm gonna report you."

Two minutes of just awfulness,
just nonstop.

Then, at the two-minute mark,
she goes, "You're an idiot."

That's when I was like, "Lady, enough."

She goes, "This doesn't concern you."
I said, "It didn't."

"Now it does."

[laughter]

I said it pretty cool, so I looked
to see if anyone was paying attention.

No one gave a shit, but…

[laughter]

After I say that,
she loudly yells "Security" on me.

I was like, "They hate you.
They're not gonna do anything."

My friend Gary goes, "Yeah, lady,
this isn't the movie of your life."

"You're a nobody."

[laughter]

She looks at my friend Gary,
and she goes, "Well, you're short."

[laughter]

And I'm… I'm excited
for what Gary's gonna hit her back with.

'Cause he's a funny dude.
I'm oozing with anticipation.

I'm like, "How's he gonna get her?"
I can't wait.

And that's when Gary says,
"You should see me without my shirt on."

[laughter]

"Dude, what the hell?
We had her. What are you doing?"

[laughter]

"She was on the ropes."

"You blew it."

And he's my friend.
I have to have his back.

So I was like, "He does look good
without his shirt on."

[laughter]

"He does a lot of… A lot of push-ups and…"

-[laughter]
-You know.

We went from, like,
two badass dudes seeking justice

to just a sad-looking gay couple.

[laughter]

It was like, "Don't you ever
disparage my Gary. He's…"

[laughter]

Traveling, seeing the country,
it's crazy to me, you know,

all the abortion stuff, as a New Yorker.

Most of my friends are pretty progressive.

A friend goes, "I think a woman
should be able to get 12, 13 abortions."

I was like,
"That's a pretty horrifying number."

[laughter]

"I'm for a woman's right to choose.
Maybe don't open with a baker's dozen."

"What do you think?"

"Might not be the path to unity."

[laughter]

Once you've killed enough fetuses
that they could have formed a band…

[laughter]

Ironically also called the Grateful Dead.

-That's…
-[audience gasps]

[cheering and applause]

That's… All right.

Are you into that stuff?
I saw you react there.

A little bit? Yeah?
What kind of work are you in?

I work, uh… I make, uh, staircases.

-You make staircases?
-[laughter]

Well, if the abortion thing
keeps going south,

I'll give you a call, but…

[laughter]

[Sam chuckles]

But, no, it's weird. You watch the news,
and you're like, "Oh, wait."

I saw the news the other day.

You can no longer perform an abortion
in Kentucky or Utah.

"Perform" is what they say.
Weird, you know.

We've all heard it in that context.
It never quite sounds right.

"Perform an abortion."

That sounds like the doctor's
walking into the room, like,

"Showtime."

[laughter]

"You ladies ready to rock? Let's do this."

Think he's coming home and his wife
is like, "How were your performances?"

And he's like, "I fucking killed."

[laughter]

"Murderer."

[laughter]

Maybe I'll call this next special, uh,

9/11 Abortion Holocaust.

What do you think?

[laughter]

No one's gonna complain.

[laughter]

You're not gonna see write-ups like,
"I expected better

from 9/11 Abortion Holocaust."

[laughter]

"It turned out to lack taste,
and that was…"

"That was surprising."

My favorite people.

Ever talk to someone, they're progressive,
but they don't have the lingo down?

Those are the best.

I was talking to a guy
about a trans person we both know.

He goes, "I fully support it.
I'll play along."

I was like, "I don't think
that's what they're going for."

[laughter]

I don't think you're scoring a lot
of points, walking up to a trans person,

"Sure."

[laughter]

"If you say so."

[laughter]

"Honey, come here. This one's believable.
This is crazy."

[laughter]

He was mad about the trans swimmer,
Lia Thomas, who kept winning races.

He said, "This is messed up, man."

"There needs to be an asterisk
next to those wins."

I said, "Bullshit." He goes, "Exactly."

I said, "No, that you care
about women's swimming."

[laughter]

"I've known you for quite some time.
I've never heard you mention it."

"This outrage rings insincere."
And he said, "What if I have a daughter?"

And I said, "You won't."

[laughter]

"You're 55 and you have a roommate.
I don't think it's gonna happen for ya."

He said, "What if I raise a girl
who turns out to be a swimming champion?"

I said, "If you find someone dumb enough
to let you come inside her,

I can pretty much guarantee that kid
is not gonna grow up to be a winner."

[laughter]

He said, "It could happen.
I never wear condoms."

I said, "You never wear condoms
and you don't have a kid?"

"Too bad your sperm isn't a trans woman.
It would know how to swim."

[laughter and applause]

All right.

I deserve a sip.

All right.

Chappelle caught some shit
for the trans stuff, right?

People were mad at Chappelle and, uh…

My friends were so worried about him.
Like, "They're coming for Dave."

I was like, "He's gonna be okay, I think."

It's always my friend
with the worst possible life

that's the most concerned
about a millionaire celebrity.

My friend's, "They're coming for Dave."
I'm like, "Focus on your shitty life."

"Dave is doing great."

"He flies private, he performs in arenas,
and he makes 24 million a special."

"You borrowed money
from your mother recently. Focus on you."

[laughter]

Dave's not canceled. Know how you'll know
if Dave Chappelle is canceled?

If he does a weekend here.
That's how you'll know.

[laughter]

If you see Chappelle
live at the Den in Chicago, I'll be like,

"They fucking got him, dude."

[laughter]

[applause]

It's good you came out.

It's good to stay off
the social media. It's poison.

I mean, I'm on it,
but it's not good and, uh…

TikTok is crack.
That stuff, it's not good for you.

You know when you put down a book,
and you're like, "Ah"?

Whenever I get off TikTok,
it's the exact opposite feeling.

I'm on there for 20 minutes,
and I'm like, "What just happened?"

[laughter]

"That wasn't good."

They get this algorithm that's for you,
so it hooks you.

Whatever you like, it keeps you on.

Apparently, what I like is,
uh, men eating sandwiches. That's…

[laughter]

That's what I like.

They just… Usually in a car of some sort.

They often rate the sandwich.

I get a lot of dudes in a car, like,

"We're gonna see if Wendy's fast food
is overrated or underrated."

Then you watch them.

[laughter]

"Properly rated." I'm like…

[laughter]

"That's all he does?"

"Nineteen million views?"

"I'm working pretty hard
on my act over here. Who's watching this?"

Then he's like, "Next up, Domino's."

And I'm like,
"I do wanna see how it's rated."

[laughter]

I understand the appeal.

[chuckles] TikTok, Facebook,
and, you know… Oh, Meta.

I'm sorry. They're Meta now. They changed.

We're supposed to forget

all the horrible things
they've done to all of us.

The stealing our data.
They're like, "We're Meta. That was…"

"That wasn't us. We're Meta now."

It's like if Bill Cosby
was like, "Call me William."

"I'm actually…"

[laughter and applause]

"Yeah, you can…"

"You can trust me."

"It's William."

[laughter]

The Ukraine situation, that's not, uh…
That's not good. That's…

That's my astute take on the matter.
It's, uh… It's not good.

[laughter]

We're giving them weapons,
and Russia knows we're giving them weapons

'cause they can read,
so that's not gonna end well.

It's like your friend's
fighting his girlfriend,

then, very loudly next to them,
you're like, "Call her a bitch, dude."

[laughter]

She's like, "What was that?
You're like, "It's for him. Don't worry."

[laughter]

Not good, our relationship
with the phone and the computer.

I definitely have watched
too much porn in my life. It's not…

It's not great, right?

You notice when you get set up on dates.
This girl goes, "What's your type?"

And I was like, "Uh, busty."

[laughter]

"Mature."

"Neighbor, hand job." She's like, "Hm."

[laughter]

"Sorry, forgot you weren't
a search engine. That was…"

They have weird porn now too.
Angry women, that's a category.

Angry women porn.

I don't know if you've seen it.
The woman's like, "You piece of shit."

"You're… Oh, you're so shitty."

I guess people
are turned on by this. I don't…

I guess, if that's your thing,
that's the best porn

to get caught watching by your partner.

She just walks in, like, "What the fuck?"
And you're like, "Yes."

[laughter]

"Yes."

[applause]

This actor said he was battling
a porn addiction.

I was like, "'Battling'?
That's a… That's a bit dramatic, huh?"

What's that? Sounds like he's just sitting
at the keyboard, like, "Argh!"

[laughter]

"Argh!"

"We won another battle today."

[laughter]

"But who knows what tomorrow holds?"

I never feel good after I watch it.
Every time I watch porn, I'm like, "Ugh."

"Same time tomorrow."

"But that was…"

[laughter]

"…just disgusting."

I don't feel represented in these films.

I've never seen one where the guy is,
90 seconds in, "I'm gonna come,"

and then the woman is like, "That's okay."

[laughter]

Then he's like, "Let me lay here a second.
I had pad Thai for lunch, so…"

[laughter]

Specific genre.

[laughter]

What do you guys think?

One-night-stand sex or relationship sex?
What's the preference?

[man] One night.

One night? Who said that?

Right there. Why do you prefer it, sir?

-[man] Easy. No attachments.
-No attachment, all right.

I could have guessed
by the backwards cap, I suppose.

That's, uh…

[Sam chuckles]

"This fuckin' hat."

[laughter]

"I love it."

[chuckles] And that's a…
That's a loud jacket. What is that jacket?

My buddy gave me it. I like it.

Your buddy gave you a…

[laughter]

That's a…

That's an interesting friendship.

[laughter]

Are these your friends,
or you don't know them?

Nah, these are just
some guys we met tonight.

Oh, all right.

You play your cards right, you can get…

You might get another jacket.

You know, that's… two jackets.

[applause]

[Sam chuckles]

That's… No, it's tough.
Single is tough. It's tough to, you know…

I like relationship sex,

because when you finish,
you're like, "Oh, good."

[laughter]

Isn't that crazy,
to come and not be miserable?

[laughter]

Every time I come,

I get that post-nut clarity,
like, "What have I done?"

[laughter]

You think that happens to pedophiles?
You think, uh…

-[audience gasps]
-All right.

[audience groans]

[Sam chuckles]

You think pedos nut, and they're like,
"Just take the candy and go. I really…"

"I really messed up."

[applause]

"Same time tomorrow." But…

[laughter]

Here's what I like about pedophiles.

They never complain about my comedy.

[laughter]

A lot of groups, they get easily offended.

I've noticed that pedos
tend to stay silent.

[laughter]

Isn't that cool?

I've taken a lot of shots in my day.
I've never had one stand up at a show,

"Enough."

[laughter]

"You crossed the line tonight, sir."

[laughter]

I got my hair cut a few weeks ago.
There's a kid next to me.

When the barber was done, he goes,
"Look at you. What a handsome boy."

That was acceptable he said that,
but it did get weird when I chimed in,

"Hell yeah, he is."

[laughter]

Maybe it's 'cause of his job
it's okay he said it.

Maybe I made it weird
'cause I licked my lips. We'll never know.

[laughter]

No, certain jobs,
you can compliment a kid's appearance.

-Priest is not one of them. You can't…
-[laughter]

They lost their privileges.

The Catholic Church,
they're like Amazon, you know.

They're too big to be stopped,

they don't pay any taxes,
and they fuck the little guy, and…

[laughter]

[cheering]

But…

[cheering and applause]

Rabbis do it too.
I don't wanna just pick on priests.

Rabbis do it as well.

Not as much as priests.
No one can touch those numbers.

But they're up there.

[laughter]

Slightly less.

You wanna hear my theory
why rabbis do it slightly less, as a Jew?

Jewish kids can be pretty annoying.

[laughter]

No one wants to molest a seven-year-old

who's like, "Do I have to get on my knees?
They're pretty achy."

-You know, like, "Oh my God."
-[laughter]

"And my allergies."
You're like, "Oh my God, this is brutal."

[stomping]

[Sam chuckles]

I think a priest just left. But…

I don't know.

[applause]

[Sam chuckles]

My type is, uh, depressed women.

My friend was like, "You like that?"
I said, "No,

but that's who keep showing up."
So that's…

[laughter]

Time to own it.

There's something about depressed women.
I always assume they have more depth.

'Cause she's so sad,
I'm like, "She must feel deeply."

Then we hang out, and I'm like,
"Nah, just a bummer. You're just a…"

[laughter]

"Just a bummer."

I get turned on. I'm like, "How are you?"
She's like, "Terrible."

"This chick gets it, dude. She just…"

"She sees through
the bullshit that is life."

[laughter]

Depression, it's tough.

I told my mom I was depressed once,
and she goes,

"But you're so tall."

[laughter]

I don't know what that means.
It's like, if I hang myself,

my feet are gonna touch the ground.

I mean, I am tall.

[laughter]

-I'm in therapy, obviously.
-[audience member] Woo!

Thank you. I'll take that. Why not?
You know what therapy's taught me?

If a woman tells me she's upset with me,
to say, "I understand."

Instead of, uh, "Here we go."

[laughter]

They don't like that one.

Drinking's good too.
I do drinking and therapy.

It's a good balance.

Bartenders are basically therapists.
They listen, they take your money.

Sometimes they even tell you
when it's time to go.

[laughter]

A bartender will give you a free round
every once in a while.

-I've never met a therapist that cool.
-[laughter]

Very few therapists are like,
"Oh, you were molested?"

"This shit's on the house."

[laughter]

"You earned it, buddy."

[laughter]

What's important
in a relationship? Movies.

I'm a big movie guy.
I love watching movies.

Ever show someone one of your favorite
movies and they don't pay full attention?

Makes me crazy. I know, it's brutal.

I showed my ex one of my favorite movies,
seven minutes in, she tries to have sex.

-I was like, "What are you doing?"
-[laughter]

She goes, "You're not gonna have sex?"

I said, "I'll fuck you
during a movie you pick."

[laughter]

"I don't wanna have sex
during Dog Day Afternoon."

"It's in my top five."

[laughter]

"I'll totally bang you
during Pride and Prejudice 2005 or…"

-[woman] Oh!
-Yeah, yeah, I said it.

[laughter]

"Is there a Jane Austen adaptation
you wanna watch? Throw it on."

"I'll be rock hard and ready to go."

"And I'm doing it for you."

I have more confidence in my movie taste
than my sexual ability.

I can defend the movie.

[laughter]

If I fuck you and you're disappointed,
I can't be like, "You just didn't get it."

[laughter]

"It was ahead of its time."

[laughter]

Did you do that to him?
I saw you react. What… What movie was it?

[laughter]

What movie are we talking?

[woman] Fantastic Beasts.

Fantastic Beasts?

I don't even know what that is.
What is it?

It's Harry Potter.

Oh, Harry Potter.
Yeah, I got laid in high school. Uh…

-[laughter]
-[Sam] Sorry, I…

[laughter and applause]

How many of these superhero movies
are they gonna make?

Ever see a trailer where you can't tell
if it's a superhero origin story

or about a special needs kid?

[laughter]

Some guy comes on. "Your son is…

different."

[laughter]

Is he gonna save the city,
or is he really good at math?

[laughter]

"Starring Jesse Eisenberg."

I still don't know. I…

[laughter]

"Marvel presents,

Doctor Helmet." Hm?

[laughter]

That joke, uh, bombed five straight shows
in Portland, Oregon, and…

[laughter]

…I thought, "I think
I have to drop this joke."

And then I did it in St. Louis, Missouri,

and I was like,
"I think this is my best joke." This is…

[laughter]

"This is crushing."

[chuckles] You gotta tour.

Hit the different cities, you know?

I hooked up with a mother of six recently,
on the road.

I was in Utah. It was the lowest number
I could find, and, uh…

[laughter]

I… [chuckles]

[cheering and applause]

This is gonna sound filthy here,

but at one point,
she stuck her tongue up my butt.

Her idea.
I would never propose such a thing.

Her phone rang.
It was one of her six kids.

She removed her tongue
to attend to her child.

I was like,
"That's a good mother right there."

Next day, I had to call my mom to check in
and my mom said, "Now is not a good time."

I was like,
"What the fuck are you doing, Mom?"

[laughter]

"What the fuck are you doing?"

[applause]

Shit, no, I've been on those dating apps.
They're fucking crazy. They're terrible.

I saw a woman on there
who just said, uh, first words, "Loyalty."

"Respect."

I was like, "Are you Tony Soprano?
What the hell?"

[laughter]

"Gabagool"? What the…

[laughter]

I scrolled down.
It said, "No misogyny. No homophobia."

So I message her, "Please suck my dick
so I can prove I'm not gay."

[laughter]

My neck is messed up.
I had to, you know, see a doctor.

My neck is killing me.

I got two herniated discs.

I'm sitting on the subway
'cause I'm in pain.

This older lady walks over.

She goes, "In my day,
a man would give his seat to a woman."

I said, "We've come a long way,
haven't we?"

[laughter]

"I'm very progressive."

[laughter]

No, I went to the doctor. He said,
"It's C5 and C6. It's pretty bad."

"You gotta get that checked out."

He said, "Yeah, no going down on a woman
for a while 'cause of your neck."

And I was like…
That made me feel kinda cool.

[laughter]

I was like, "Clearly,
that's what brought me in here, Doc."

"I must have OD'd on poontang and…

[laughter]

…messed up the old spine."

[laughter]

A woman will ask me to go down on her,

I say, "I will not. I have a doctor's note
from Mount Sinai."

[laughter]

"Sorry."

[man] Michael Douglas.

Michael Douglas, yeah. What do you think?
You think that's real?

No, I mean, he got cancer.

-[Sam] He blamed Catherine Zeta-Jones.
-Yeah.

That's fucking weird.

[laughter]

Isn't it?

-That's how my dad got cancer.
-[Sam] How your dad got cancer?

He ate out Catherine Zeta-Jones?
That's crazy.

[laughter and applause]

That's nutty.

-[man] Same type.
-Same type. Is he all right?

Well, he died.

[Sam] Oh, jeez.

I love… I love eating pussy, though.

You love eating pussy?

[chuckles] Maybe you didn't say that
at the funeral, I hope.

[laughter]

He's like, "Look, I miss my dad,
but cunnilingus is the shit, so…"

[laughter]

I didn't know yet.

-[Sam] You didn't know?
-I was 13.

[Sam] That's a weird thing
to be told, I guess.

"Your dad's dying." "What happened?"

"He was a beaver man. I don't know."

"He…"

[chuckles] For some reason, they wrote,
"Can't stop, won't stop" on his tombstone.

[laughter]

I mean, wow.

What are you drinking?

A Modelo and a tequila soda.

[Sam] You're doubling it?

Well, I got two drinks 'cause the--

[Sam] Two drinks.
No, I know how it works. Let's…

[laughter]

Let this guy…
Let's get him another tequila.

And pour out a Modelo
for his dad who ate a lot of pussy.

-[cheering]
-[Sam] That's… Yeah.

Liquor before beer, you're in the clear.
Beer before liquor…

-[audience] Never been sicker.
-You guys know it.

-Lot of professionals in the house.
-[laughter]

You don't have a problem
if you're doing the rhyme.

I don't think there's anyone out there
like, "Wait, Quaaludes before crack, uh…"

"Never get my kids back? I don't…"

[laughter]

Tequila's a good one.
Is that your drink of choice?

[man] Whiskey.

You're a whiskey guy?

Whiskey's my favorite, probably,
but, you know, it's an adventure.

Bad shit happens on whiskey.

Wine is my second favorite
'cause it's sloppy.

Worst case, gossip.

[laughter]

Right? What's gonna happen?

I have a few glasses of red wine,
I'll talk shit about someone I love.

[laughter]

Kill a bottle, feel classy.

I feel like fewer people
are waking up in a dumpster like,

"Pinot again, dude."

[laughter]

"It's a problem."

No, whiskey's good.

Tequila's good, though,
'cause he's doing the soda,

so the hangover's not as bad.

'Cause my body, it's… It's going downhill.

The process has already started.

I don't mean to be too crass here,
but my jizz has started to lose its oomph.

[laughter]

It used to shoot out of my penis
like an Avenger.

Now it hobbles out
like a musician on his farewell tour.

[laughter]

I think I went from Iron Man
to Neil Young. What the hell happened?

You can almost hear the jizz going,

♪ "Old man, take a look at my life.
"It's a lot like you." ♪

[laughter]

It's not on Spotify anymore,
so I thought I'd give you a taste, but…

[Sam chuckles]

No, this is a good city, Chicago. It is.

You're a good time,
and, you know, I can't, uh, drive, so…

[laughter]

This is how New York I am.

I can't drive and I had a gay experience
when I was seven. That's pretty New York.

I kissed a boy. I would have gone further,
but he was a fucking prude.

[laughter]

I was at an all-boys school,
so it was prison gay, but, uh…

[laughter]

When you're a teenager
and your friends ask,

"Who was your first kiss?"
I'd always be like, "I don't remember."

I remember.

[laughter]

A young boy named Charlie
with full lips and a fat ass.

[laughter]

That kid rocked.

[applause]

You do gay stuff at an all-boys school.
You don't even think about it.

I remember, we were 13,
we used to masturbate together.

[quiet laughter]

Yeah, you're not ready for this one,
Chicago. Too bad. It's coming.

[laughter]

We used to…
We used to jack off in a group.

Uh…

-[laughter]
-[man] Yeah!

Yeah. I told this to my friend.
He goes, "I did that too. I was 22."

I was like, "Different thing." But…

[laughter]

No one else who ever did that? No?

-My brother.
-You did it with your brother?

[man] No, no, no, no.

I was… I was at my computer
playing video games.

My brother and his friends
were jacking off to porn on the TV.

Sounds like quite the household.

[laughter]

Your brother… In the same room?

-I'm his dad.
-Yeah.

[laughter]

You're… You're… You're the dad?

Did it get difficult holding the camera?

[laughter]

What were they jerking off to?

[laughter]

It was porn.

That's the stuff.

[laughter]

You know… Yeah. No, I… I…
We were terrible. We were… Four of us.

My friend, Jesse. Short, fat kid.
Enormous cock. And, uh…

[laughter]

So big that when I saw it,
I wasn't even jealous, I was like,

"Hell yeah, dude."

[laughter]

"God is good." That was my reaction
to his… To his penis.

I was like, "Hell yeah."

"Jesse's packing heat."

[laughter]

Not just big for a 13-year-old.

Like, if that thing stayed on track,
he is a problem right now, but…

[laughter]

We'd go to the store,
and the guy would hook it up.

He would just be like,
"Take some free porn. You're good kids."

We'd buy one MILF porn DVD. He'd be like,
"Take some Black and Asian on the house."

We'd be like, "Wow, this is a great guy."

Looking back, he probably
was not a great guy, but…

[laughter]

…he did help, and, uh…

We'd watch porn.
At first, it was just like SportsCenter.

Like, "That was crazy."

Then one day, Jesse, he goes for it.
He just starts masturbating.

We all looked at each other, like,
"What the hell is this guy doing?"

Cut to a week later,
we're passing lotion around the room

like it's a whiskey in the war.

[laughter]

What was he doing? Breaking barriers.
That's what he was doing.

We kept it civilized.

We used pillows to shield our penises

to give it the feel of a gentlemen's club,
if you will.

[laughter]

There's always one kid who finishes first.

He's always like, "I'm out,"
like it's a game of cards.

[laughter]

Same kid every time.

It was never Jesse.
The bastard had endurance too, but…

[laughter]

This is the point I like to imagine
there's a guy in the crowd on a first date

and he feels the need to turn to her
and go, "This is disgusting."

But…

[laughter]

…deep down, he's got a secret.

[laughter]

Under the table, he texts a group thread,

"Tell no one."

[laughter]

I don't think my friends are gonna say
anything. Two of them, I trust,

and the other one is dead, so…

Heroin. It wasn't masturbation related.
It's not on me, but…

Great guy. It was heartbreaking.
He was a really terrific guy.

But you don't have to tighten up here.
He would have found this hilarious.

I know there's always one person
thinking, "How do you know?"

We used to jack off together, so…

[laughter]

[cheering]

You get to know a man
under those circumstances.

[laughter]

When I was in school, there were, uh…

We're in the home stretch here.
Don't worry. [laughs]

You've been terrific, but…

When I was in school,
there were fewer mass shootings,

so every once in a while, we would
poke a kid to see if he had it in him and…

[laughter]

I do not feel good about this.

There was this one kid. Bit of a weirdo.
Unless he's here, then he's great. But…

[laughter]

He was a fun kid. I liked him.
He would speak out of place and time.

He would say things like,
"A little birdie told me."

Great expression.

-[laughter]
-One of the best expressions.

Always light, gossipy. Never depressing.

Never like, "A little birdie told me,
uh, Bob is HIV positive."

[laughter]

"Is he gonna be okay?"

"That's all the bird said. It was…"

"It was a vague bird."

I read this article
that said the way we speak to animals

is often the way we wish
we were spoken to ourselves.

I'm like, "That's not true."
But then I was on a date.

She walks up to this dog.
She goes, "Look at you."

"Look how little and thin you are."
I was like, "Wait a second."

Without thinking, I went up to the dog,

and I was like,
"You deserve to get your dick sucked."

[laughter]

"You're a cool dude."

[laughter]

The woman was like,
"Please stop talking to my Labradoodle."

[laughter]

I was teasing this kid.
We were young. I regret it.

But he snapped. He goes, "That's it."

"I'm bringing a gun to school.
I'm gonna shoot you."

Everyone gasps, and he goes,
"I'm gonna shoot all of you."

And they all looked at me like,
"Thanks a lot, Sam."

[laughter]

And I had to be like, "Sorry, guys.
This potential massacre, totally on me."

[laughter]

He got suspended two weeks.
I don't know how you land on a number.

[chuckles] They're like,
"He said he's gonna kill everybody?"

"Fourteen days. That…"

[laughter]

"It'll be out of his system."

Like he's gonna come back then.
"Cured. All that…"

"All that alone time with my thoughts
was really good for me."

"You can read about it in my manifesto."

[laughter]

It was the end of the year.
He went to a different school.

He never came back.

Next time I see him, 12 years later,

I'm on stage in New York City
at the Comedy Cellar.

I notice his face in the front row,
and my first thought was,

"This motherfucker played the long game."

[laughter]

I almost respected
the way he built the suspense.

He walks up to me after the show.
He was like, "Hey."

He goes, "I'm a big fan."
I was like, "Thank God."

[laughter]

He said, "It's cool you did
the things you said you were gonna do."

I said, "It's really cool
that you did not." So…

[laughter]

Thank you so much.

Really appreciate you guys.

Appreciate you very much.

We really do.

Take care, guys.

[cheering]

[funky music plays]

[inaudible speech]

[funky music continues]

-[man] Where's Gary?
-I don't wanna fucking do this.

[laughter]

It's really good.

[laughter]

[man] I think it's hilarious that anyone…

[funky music continues]

I'm… I'm grateful you all came out.
It's gonna be a great night.

Before I come out there,

I've got one of best friends
to open the show.

He's the best.

You better laugh hard
because his dick doesn't work. Um…

[laughter]

You've seen him on Conan.
You've seen him on Colbert.

Give it up for Gary Vider!

[cheering]

[man] What is your name?

-Conor Pinto.
-[man] Conor.

[man] Do we have express permission
to use your likeness and your voice--

You have express consent
to use my likeness and my voice.

[man] All right. What are your names?

-Uh, Michael and Kim Pinto.
-Pinto.

[man] Do we have your express permission
to use this footage?

-Fuck yeah!
-Yes! Hell yeah!

[funky music continues]