All language subtitles for what.we.do.in.the.shadows.s05e07.1080p.web.h264-successfulcrab[eztv.re]

[screams]

...between being a human
and a vampire.

[grunts]

[screeches]

"Not a human,
not yet a vampire,"

to paraphrase
one of your contemporary

musical troubadours.

Now, I've turned
my attention to isolating

the genetic marker which is
slowing his transformation.

It's a very complex
scientific procedure

where I mix his DNA

with the DNA of stray animals

just to see what shakes.

So, I began by fusing him
with a swine.

All very good.

And a frog--
Frog not so happy,

- but it's just a frog.
- [frog ribbits]

This beaker for the dog,

and this one for you.

- Mm.
- [Laszlo] Oh, shit.

I just realized I got those
the wrong way around.

- My mistake.
- What do you mean, that--

That's a big mistake.
Am I gonna be okay?

You'll be fine. I just
need another urine sample.

- Urine sample? For--
- To refill the beakers.

[retching]

[door slams]

- [Laszlo] Ha-ha!
- Laszlo's been in there
for three days

- and three nights now.
I think he's on the verge
- Success!

- of a breakthrough.
- [crash]
- Aw, shit.

[door opens]

Well?

I don't know
how to put this lightly,

but you're fucked.

And while we're being blunt,

you are what
the scientific community

refer to as a lost cause
with no hope whatsoever.

So... that's it?
You're just gonna give up on me?

I'm not gonna give up on you,

I'm gonna give up
on the experiments.

And I'd like you
to do one thing for me.

Anything.
Whatever you want.

- [bleating]
- [Guillermo] What are those?

[Laszlo] Those-- well, they're
just some of the results

of my experiments with your DNA.

Kill them.

["You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing]

♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪

♪ They have no use
for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪

♪ ♪

[Nadja]
These are words for "money"

in America.

So I have been teaching a class

in Little Antipaxos on

assimilating to America.

I have been helping them master
everyday skills

such as language proficiency.

[New York accent]
Whoa! Hey, I'm walkin' here!

Learn better driving etiquette,
you piece of shit!

I just spilled my coffee!

[regular accent]
Write it down.

Typical American industries.

Films, newspapers, beef.

Write it down.

And I told them the words

to the colonial patriot hymn,

which is the song of the nation.

♪ Burgers and fries ♪

♪ Mickey Mouse ♪

♪ Mount Rushmore. ♪
Yeehaw!

Also,

a very important day, which is

the annual turkey sacrifice.

Okay, so, welcome
to Thanksgiving.

When we are not eating
we are paying respects

to the bird--
touching it, blowing it kisses.

Keeping very low, on three.

One, two, three.

And then acknowledge the onion.

It all started when The Guide
discovered a new detail

about this ancient hex
that's been ruining my life.

Give me that.

[speaking Greek]

"For those you've burned,
you must atone."

And that's
when I figured it out.

So, back in my Antipaxos,
there was only

one school that
everyone went to.

School wasn't easy for anyone,
but especially not me.

All the other children
said I was too noisy,

so I was always
made to sit outside.

And then one day,

somebody burned down the school.

And that person was me.

Nobody died,
but no one ever learned

anything ever again.

My fellow villagers

never forgave me.

Which is why I believe
doing a school

for my fellow little Antipaxons
will maybe be a way

to reverse
this motherfucking hex!

- Whose...
- These freaks of nature

are a result
of my DNA recombinations.

In layman's terms,
they're tiny Gizmos.

Created for the diagnosis
of your vampiratus interruptus.

[stammers]
These creatures are-are me?

Pretty much, yeah, I mean,

you can tell by the irritating
way in which they behave.

- Get the fuck off.
- [screeches]

That one there

came from one of your
stool samples and a pig.

This one,
from a cheek swab and a dog.

And I believe you've met
these chaps before.

- Oof.
- Ugh.

- Do we have to kill them?
- I'm afraid so.

Their continuous existence
is too painful reminder

- of my failings as a scientist.
- [bleating]

Ah, and that one--
now that's a complete mistake.

Some wool from one of your
hideous sweaters

got in the petri dish,

and there you go.
But between you and I,

kill that one first.

In conclusion, the two steps

one, go to bank,
two, open account.

Write that down.

- Ooh, ooh!
- Ooh.

[Nadja]
I asked Nandor
and Colin Robinson

to come with me
on the first day because

I didn't want the class
to look too empty.

But now I cannot
get those two tits to leave.

It's not the best school class

I've ever attended,

even though it's the only one.

How was your weekend?

Same old, same old.

I hear that, asshole.

[Nandor]
I thought we'd learn more

about history, like warriors

and killing and pillaging,

but I guess we got to get
through the boring stuff first.

[Colin]
I used to audit
a lot of night school

classes. Fiction writing,
mostly. I once

did a poem that I titled

An Ode to My Father's
Masculinity.

Easy drain.

How many people did you
have sex with this weekend?

- Seven.
- One.

No!
Water cooler does not talk.

Write that down.

[quietly]
Oh, so stupid. I give up.

I'm starting to think that

maybe I'm not very good at this.
[exclaims]

No, I... I can't.

I can't do this.
I can't

hurt an innocent creature... Ew.

- Get off, get off, get off.
- [screeching]

I could just probably
call an exterminator

or animal control because, technically,

you are vermin, so...

Wow, you do look like me.

[Nadja]
Is teaching

actually going to help me

lift this fucking hex?

- [hisses]
- You are struggling.

Oh, fantastic.
Another disgruntled student.

You have a troubled
energy about you.

A dark presence looms.

Do you know about the hex?

Ever since you have come here,
you have brought with you

a very dark, spectral

specter.

It's like a hex, if you will.

[sighs]
And what is your name,

crispy, old, wizened crone?

Oh, my name's Helen.

Hel-- Oh, just Helen.
That's it. Just Helen?

- Helen the Magic Woman.
- And you can help me

rid myself
of this disgusting hex?

- Yes.
- [chuckles]

I am so sorry, class,
but something has come up.

Colin, Nandor, one of you
is the teacher now! Go!

- I can't say I am surprised
- I am the teacher

- by this turn of events.
- and you will listen to me now.

- I have been known to,
- I am an expert in--

- um...
- [growls softly]

[Nadja]
Okay.

I think I have gotten this.

A gray egg from a red turkey,

a petal of wolfsbane...

Magic can be a very

strange and confusing thing,

which is why
I do not fuck with it.

...a snake's nose...

But if this sorceress

can fix me, then hell yes,
I'm all in.

Is there anything else you
require for this magic potion?

I will need an eye of newt,

a black cat's whisker

and a chocolate glazed from
the Dunkin' on Forest Avenue.

What is this, uh,

an enchanted forest
or something?

It is a pastry shop.

- Oh.
- They sell what in these
modern times

are called doughnuts.

A doughnut?

- Why would you need a doughnut?
- Normally,

I would require you to
retrieve the sweetest flower

- from the peak of Mount Juktas.
- Oh.

But honestly, it tastes
a lot like a doughnut, so...

I'll get on with this.
Goodbye, hex.

- Come on, get inside.
Let's go. Okay.
- [bleating]

No, I don't know
what the next step is,

but it's definitely not
killing them.

Maybe to the zoo?

Uh... the park? I could
drop you guys at the park, huh?

A good run in the park
would do me a world of good.

You can talk.

Many of us can.
I apologize

for not telling you
sooner, I just

didn't want to...

- shock you.
- [screeches]

A question

knowledge...

one can possess?

History.

And where did
human history begin?

The great empire
of Al Qolnidar rose to power

in what the Western world
calls 1262.

But we're gonna
forget about that

and just call it the year O.

Whatever, man.
History is subjective.

I mean, teach what you want,

but just know that history

is written by the oppressors.

One of the biggest and most

commonly-used
energy drains imaginable

is being

the cool teacher.

I used to have
a bumper sticker that said,

"I rather be reading Bukowski."

It was pretty rad.

Uh, I have a little gift
for you guys.

Some condoms.

I want you guys
to be healthy out there.

You don't have to be in love
to wear the glove.

- Right, Lorraine?
- [Nandor] Colin Robinson

has tricked my pupils
into thinking

- that they are learning.
- [chuckles]

Meanwhile, I have not
heard the word "history"

or Al Qolnidar mentioned once.

[Colin]
Let me tell you about Hamlet.

A prince of a castle.

You wince,
but his hassle

was the death of...
his daddy.

A baddy? No.

But sad he was

- when the lad said, "Egad,"
- [growls]

a prince driven mad,
ya boy got had.

[Nandor]
What is even worse
is that he keeps sitting up

on the desk
with his legs crossed

so that everyone can see his nut

hanging out his short.

[Guillermo]
You can talk?

- You're, like, real people?
- [bleating]

Why didn't you tell me
you could talk?

I guess we can be shy sometimes.

What, you open up to people
right off the bat?

Well, no, not usually, I guess
I take a second,

yeah, but--

- I made an oopsie, Daddy.
- No, no one's Daddy.

But Daddy Gemerno,

- the oopsie is getting bad.
- [Guillermo] Oh, shit.

Ugh, what'd you eat?

Uh, listen, Daddy, I kind of

made the froggie pregnant.

- What?
- I want raw meat.
- Da-da,

- my oopsie's really bad.
- [bleating] Da-da.
- [dog] What's the plan, Daddy?

- Come on!
- I want to go outside.
- Shh, shh, shh, shh!

Stop talking.
I got to think, I got to think.

Laszlo wants me to, you know,
get rid of you.

What means "get rid of"?

- Um...
- Our elders spoke of a prophecy

of the one true Guillermo
who saves us.

What are you talking about?
Elders? Who-who are your elders?

He was born
15 minutes before me.

Hello, young one.

Rest easy, all.
Guillermo will save us.

- Daddy, Daddy.
- [dog] Ain't that right, Daddy?
- I don't want to die.

Shh! Stop, stop, stop,
stop talking.

Fine. I'll save you.

- Yeah!
- Thank you, Daddy.

- But you can't
tell Laszlo, okay?
- Agreed.

Is this all of you guys?

- Where's-where's Binky?
- Who?

Binky's the most
fragile among us.

He lives in the koi pond.

Find him, Guillermo.

Okay, fine, I'll find him.
I'll find Binky.

And you're all gonna stay put

a-and not make a noise.

All right?

Do not think your bravery
will go unnoticed.

- See her? This fetching bitch
- [whines]

is my beautiful daughter.
You may lay with her.

- No, I'm good.
I'm gonna take this gun.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- [pig] We love you, Daddy.
- I'll be back.
- [dog] Daddy!

Helen, I'm home!
[chuckles]

So, I think I got everything.

One monkey paw.

- Great...
- Tears on a woman's love letter.

Oh. Okay, so we're going
straight for the doughnut.

Oh, I'm so sorry, they only had

vanilla glazed
with rainbow sprinkles.

What am I supposed
to do with this?

Could you not use that for your

magic potion?

Has to be chocolate or...

You think I can
put this in my big bowl?

Do you mean a cauldron?

Yes. That is the word.

You're gonna
have to go back out.

Of course, yes.

And why don't you also grab me

three Boston creams,

three chocolate glazed,
four jelly

and five glazed crullers.

- What else?
- Do you think you might want

more of witchy, spooky stuff?

Uh, maybe, after we
get the Dunkin' sorted.

[Nadja]
I don't know much about hexes

or how to get rid of them, obviously.

Maybe the doughnut is something
to do with the circle of life?

Also, Helen said
she had this magic wand

for thousands of years.

But I'm pretty sure
I saw her go outside

and pick up a stick
from the ground.

- It was, like, a "crullan."
- Cruller.

- "Crewlour."
- Cr-uller.

"Crew-row-row... row-row-ler."

Close enough.

[humming a tune]

[clattering in distance]

What the fuck... Gizmo?
What are you

doing in there--
are you wanking?

- No! What?
- Well, I wouldn't
judge you if you were.

I wank in there all the time.
30 minutes ago, to be precise.

No. Actually, I'm trying to
catch one of your abominations.

Listen, I understand
this kind of thing

is not for the faint of heart.

So if you don't
have the balls for it,

- I don't mind stepping in.
- No.

- I-I have the balls for it.
- Good.

- Get out of my shed.
- Oh, you're gonna go and...

- And wank.
- Yeah.

- Yes!
- Okay.

- And shut the door.
- Shut the door.

Okay.

Binky. [smooches]

Hey, buddy.
Come on.

Come on.

Whoa, Nelly!

[gasping]

Daddy, what is "wank"?
[gasps]

[out of tun

I almost have it.

Oh, I'm in the wrong spot.

- [sighs]
- Hold on.

- [in-tune chord]
- There.

So, what did we just learn
about sound waves?

Yeah. Lenore.

When will learn about, uh,

starting mortgage?

Right after I play

"Nightswimming" by R.E.M.

- Uh, let's see--
- Colin Robinson,

what are we doing outside?

Having class on the quad, man.

Kind of a college tradition.

I catch your drift, though.

How about we get
the old blood pumpin'

- with some hacky sack?
- [grunts]

- That's not cool.
- [thud]
- We are going

- [car alarm blaring]
- to the history museum.

- Who's with me?
- Museum? Is inside?

Yes. Very much so.
Follow me!

- Oh. [mutters]
- Who here has seen Garden State?

There's a song in it
that I'd love for you guys

to listen to by The Shins.

This is from the Dunkin'

on Forest and Broadway.
I said it must be

- Forest and South.
- What? How can you even tell?

Hello! I'm a magic woman.
I can tell everything.

- [sighs]
- I will need a dozen more

from the Forest and South location.

Are you kidding me?

How many donuts
do you need, lady?

- [groans]
- Oh!

Oh, Magic Woman,
what is happening?

Oh, the hex.
It grows more powerful

with each passing moment.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, you must fetch me
one last thing.

Yes, yes, anything.

A dozen powdered Munchkins.

Powder represents
the ashes of your ancestors.

I will get you
a dozen powdered Munchkins.

Stay with me, Helen!

- [whimpering]
- Oh.

- Piss!
- [stops whimpering]

What are you doing?! Come on!

[Nandor] And you will not
call the police about us

being here while
the museum is closed.

[quiet chatter]

The entire history
of Staten Island!

- Look at this.
- [Colin] This is a recreation

of the 19th century
immigrant experience,

based on old travel chests

that were never claimed
from the customs house.

This fellow
is wearing traditional

Al-Qolnidarian gown.

This is exactly
the kind of outfit I wore

on my journey to America.

And I do so love

that this is from
the immigrant's perspective.

So accurate,
down to the underwear.

Those look very much
like a pair I used to own.

Wait a minute.

Those are a pair I used to own!

How did these fuckers
get my stuff?!

Donut wench, I need
a dozen powdered Munchkins,

and make it quick.

- A hex is killing my friend.
- Okey dokey.

$5.07 for the Munchkins,

and I'll ignore the other stuff.

Wait--
Wait, hang on, that is her.

That is my friend.
How do you know Helen?

Um, I guess
I know her from, like,

harassing me and my co-workers.

That's mainly how.

Hang on. Helen Johnson?

I thought her name
was Helen the Magic Woman.

[speaks Greek]

Something here stinks
of a snake's shit.

I have your Munchkins.

We need to have a little chat.

What is this?
Why does it say Helen Johnson

when your name
is Helen the Magic Woman?

I, um, never
told you my full name,

which is
Helen "the Magic" Johnson.

The hex
is playing tricks on you.

This is textbook hex.

The solution is a strawb--

No! Ugh!

Wait!

You have no idea what it's like

to not be allowed back
to the one place

you feel at home.

[sighs]

I do know what it is like

to be driven from the only place

you have ever called home,

just as I was
driven out of my village.

It ain't great.
[short chuckle]

My hex may not have been lifted,

but with a little hypnosis,

at least Helen's has been.

Welcome home, sweet freak,
Helen "the Magic" Johnson.

You "doughnut"
need to be sad anymore.

"This immigrant probably
came from a small village

"in the Near Middle East, one

"with a particularly
weak army, based

on their inferior weaponry."

What?
Those are my travel weapons.

"Also inside was
a well-worn good-luck amulet.

"The Atlantic Crossing was
terrifying to most uneducated

"travelers of the day,
and they sought comfort

in superstitions--"

I was not terrified of shit.

And I don't even know
what an amulet is.

That is a key chain
given to me by my mommy.

[Colin]
It also says that the immigrant

was a talented writer.

- It does?
- "Stories about sexual escapades

while flying in the sky."

That's right-- sky fucking.

Glad to see they've acknowledged

some of the cool shit
that I've done.

"It's a rare example
of early erotic fiction."

Fiction?
This is not fiction.

- This is my diary!
- [Colin] "It is likely
that, unable

"to find a sexual partner,

"the immigrant
bided his time imagining one.

"The crude
and improbable descriptions

"of his intercourse

- [low growling]
- "furthermore suggests

- "this individual
- Don't say it!

never had sex."

[Nandor groaning, yelling]

[Colin] Violence is the last
refuge of the incompetent.

- [bleating]
- [squealing]

[Laszlo]
I know it's tough,
Gizmo, but it must be done.

Steady thy hand
and become death.

But wait till I'm gone.
I don't want to be covered

in brains and shit.

- Au revoir.
- [bleats]

Bye.

- [whimpering]
- Shh.

- [gunshots]
- [bleating]
- There we go.

Thank you so much, Guillermo.

- Hey, no one's dying on my wa--
- [creatures exclaiming]

Oh! [grunts]

- No. No, drop it. Drop it!
- [growling]

Sorry about that.

[Colin]
Hello.

I thought you might want this

key ring that
your mommy gave you.

I stole it from the museum.

Is this how history
is going to remember me,

Colin Robinson,

if it is going
to remember me at all?

Well, I also took the liberty

of rearranging
the museum display.

"This immigrant
was a very feared

"and very cool ancient warrior

"who set the world's record
for having the most constant

- sexual intercourse"?
- Sexual intercourse.

"Often while flying, and he was
never scared of boat rides."

[Nandor]
You're shitting me.

Whatever, you know?
Uh, history is a construct.

Thank you, Colin Robinson.

You are not just a cool teacher.

You are also a cool friend.

[singsongy] Awkward moment.
[short chuckle]

- [brakes squeaks]
- Okay.

Just remember:
never be seen by the staff.

You're only safe
with the old people.

- Okay.
- [bleating] I understand.
- Yes, we understand.

[Guillermo]
So I just dropped them off
at a retirement home

that my tía works at.

She's always saying
the residents

are really lonely
and love company.

- Who has B-1? B-1?
- [man] Yeah. B-1.

[Guillermo]
And it was super easy
to get the paperwork

for an emotional support animal.

[chuckling, sighing]

[Guillermo]
They'll be happy here,

I think.

I hope.

♪ Born free ♪

♪ As free as the wind blows ♪

♪ As free
as the grass grows... ♪

I decided to keep Binky
because he's happy here.

[Laszlo]
Gizmo, what are you
doing out there?

Having a wank?

Ah, good man. Carry on.

- Hey, buddy.
- [gurgles]

♪ Live free ♪

♪ And beauty surrounds you ♪

♪ The world still astounds you ♪

♪ Each time you look at ♪

♪ A star ♪

♪ Stay free ♪

♪ Where no walls divide you ♪

♪ You're free
as the roaring tides ♪

♪ So there's no need ♪

♪ To hide ♪

♪ Born free ♪

♪ Born free... ♪

♪ Born free ♪

♪ Born. ♪

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org