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(Taskmaster theme tune)
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(Applause)
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- Hello!
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Welcome, one and all
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to episode three of Taskmaster.
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Five comedians are at war with each other,
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all in a bid to get their mucky mitts
on this finely crafted face cup.
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So, let's marvel once more at their wildly difference levels
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of competence and enthusiasm.
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And say a big hello to:
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David Baddiel
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Ed Gamble
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Jo Brand
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Katy Wix
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and Rose Matafeo.
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(Cheering and applause)
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And next to me is a young man who
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nibbles and scurries his way through life,
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like a long, human rat.
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It's little Alex Horne!
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(Applause)
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Hello Alex.
- Hello
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- What's new?
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- Nothing, I've just got my, um
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my mantra running through my head as I normally do,
so I feel pretty good.
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- Got a new mantra have you?
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- Absoluta Pulsis Voluptatem.
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- What is it?
- Absoluta Pulsis Voluptatem.
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Always. Just round and round.
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- Okay, what does that mean?
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- Well, I got it-- I mean I always have it with me as well.
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Absoluta Pulsis Voluptatem.
Always.
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Absoluta Pulsis Voluptatem.
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- And, um, before we get on with the show,
what does that mean?
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- It's just a phrase, just a phrase I saw written down,
and I thought, "That is me."
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- Yep, what is it?
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- It means "Sheer driving pleasure."
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(Laughter)
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From the BMW advert.
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- Yeah, yeah yeah.
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And I don't know how to respond.
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- You don't have to.
Just concentrate on the 'Sheer driving pleasure.'
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(Laughter and applause)
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- Good, let's crack on.
Let's have the prize task, please.
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- Okay, good show.
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And this week, it's all about having
the weirdest wooden thing.
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That's what you call me, and Iike it.
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You will judge one of their wooden things, the weirdest
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and give its owner five points and at the end of the episode the overall winner
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will ride home with big wood.
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- Yes, please.
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Let's start with my little friend Ed Gamble.
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- I've brought something that my father
brought me back from Switzerland
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A little souvenir. There it is.
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(Laughter)
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It's a Tschaggatta demon.
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But the hair and teeth you see there, are human.
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(Audience groans)
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- Is the hair from a dead person?
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- Doesn't-- You don't need to be dead,
you can have a little hair cut.
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- But did your dad kill someone?
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- As far as I'm aware, my dad did not kill anyone for the hair, David.
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- Horrendous, good.
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Jo, what is your weird wooden thing?
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- It's a thing that my daughter made, in year seven.
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- Here it is.
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- I like to call it 'The President Trump Sausage Grabber.'
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- Does she know you brought this?
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'Cause if she's watching now
she's in her mid thirties, isn't she?
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- How dare you.
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(Laughter)
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She's 61.
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- It's absolutely shit, well done.
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Rose.
- Yep.
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- Have you got wood?
Have you got weird wood?
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- Yeah, I've got a weird man...
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carving.
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- There it is.
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- Oh, wow.
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- Oh God, I hate it.
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- Yeah, it's weird isn't is?
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It came all the way from Colorado.
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It cost 40 US dollars.
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- What do you think his secrets might be?
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- I recon he's someone looking for treasure.
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His soul has been captured in a carving.
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- Yep.
- Your classic story.
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(Laughter)
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- Now then David,
let's get to the good stuff.
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- My brother spent ages and ages creating something
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in woodwork and poured his heart and soul into it,
I remember.
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And we kept it,
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as an ornament, on our shelves for many years.
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And this was it.
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- There it is.
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(Laughter)
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- What amazes me about it is
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he found that in our back garden,
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he varnished it,
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and he got a mark for that.
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- What's his name?
- His name is Ivor.
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- It's absolutely shit, Ivor.
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- It's so shit.
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- Katy, you're up against some stiff competition here.
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- Can we see it first?
And then maybe I'll explain how I--
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- You sure you're ready?
- --found it. Yeah, I'm ready.
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- Good luck everyone. Here we go.
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(Laughter)
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- Yeah.
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So my friend's dad imports them and--
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- I'm really, I'm really glad
that's where that sentence went.
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- 'Cause always, when I'm round her house
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he's always, like, showing them to me.
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- Is he?
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- But he did gift it to me, so that was nice.
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- What's RRP on this?
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- I mean I didn't ask,
I just wanted to get out of there, if I'm honest.
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(Laughter)
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He actually offered to buy me a motorbike once.
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It's quite a weird relationship.
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- He gave you that
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He paused, and he went
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"Can I buy you a motorbike?"
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(Laughter)
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- I mean, lots of phalluses like that,
they are respected around the world.
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In Bhutan they ward off demons.
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You brought a demon in.
- Oh, you've got some facts, sorry.
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- Well it's not-- I just Googled 'penis'...
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In South Korea, there's a penis park.
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It's a park where everything's shaped like a penis.
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Then it got mucky.
Then it got muckier and muckier.
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- Okay.
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Tell us a couple of mucky things.
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- Mucky.
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- Well I thought... Well, in Iceland there's a penis museum
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where they've got a penis
from every mammal that's native to Iceland.
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- Yeah, I've seen pictures, it's really sickening.
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- It is sickening isn't it?
- Yeah, yeah.
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- Because they've really been pulled out at the root.
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(Audience groans)
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- Can you replant them like bulbs?
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(Laughter)
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- Judgement time.
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- Okay
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- Do you want to start at one point?
The fifth place person.
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- Yes, and I feel mean doing it, but
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I think that Jo's daughter will have progressed
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since she made that, in life.
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- Well how cruel, 'cause she hasn't.
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(Laughter)
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- Okay one point for Jo Brand.
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- I didn't know enough of the backstory
of the Colorado man,
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so I'm giving Rose two points.
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- Yeah, it was just cheeky wasn't it.
Fair enough.
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- Three points 'cause it had real hair,
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Ed Gamble
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- So, it's three points because
it was too weird for a weird task?
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- You've got a point,
but something about your tone I didn't enjoy.
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- Sticking with three?
- I'm gonna leave you exactly where you are.
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There's not much to separate the other--
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Well there's... There's a lot separating the other two.
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- The stick and the dick?
- The stick and the dick.
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(Laughter)
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As so often in life I do,
I'm gonna put dick in second place.
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- Awwww.
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- I just feel sorry for David's brother.
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I mean he deserves something in life.
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Five points.
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(Cheering and applause)
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Right, come on then,
pretend to press play on your iPad.
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- It's not, it's not pretend.
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- It is pretend.
- It's not pretend.
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(Taskmaster task music)
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- Hello.
- It's only me.
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- Welcome to the manor.
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- Okay, thanks.
- Don't sit down.
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Hello, welcome to the manor.
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- Ahhh.
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- Don't sit down.
Welcome to the manor.
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Don't sit down.
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Please do a little walk to the spot.
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Please do a little walk to the spot.
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I like your little walk.
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I like your little walk.
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Whoops. Whoops.
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Whoops. Wh-whoops.
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You're looking really nice.
- Thank you.
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You're looking really nice.
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Balls, and books and snooker.
And the doctor.
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Shhhh. Shhhhh. Shhhhh.
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Are you ready?
You look ready. I'm ready.
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Are you ready? You look ready.
I'm ready, there's your task.
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You should open it as soon as I leave the room.
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- (Whispers) Is he okay?
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- What?
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- Ah, I feel like I should have listened.
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- "Go the the caravan.
You must enter the caravan within two minutes
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of Alex entering the caravan."
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- "You must enter the caravan
within two minutes of Alex entering the caravan."
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- Do I take anything?
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No.
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(Laughing)
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- Has he entered it now, then?
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- Hiya.
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- Hello?
- Hello, it's me.
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- Hello.
- How are you?
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- My fly has got caught on the table.
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- I know what I've done.
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- Do you want to open the task, Rose?
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- No.
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- "List all the things that were hanging
from the wooden board in the lab.
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Also say the colour of the wooden board in the lab."
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- Oh, fucking hell.
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- "Also say the colour of the wooden board in the lab."
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- "Also say what Alex said to you in the lab."
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- "Most correct answers wins."
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- What an idiot.
Why am I such an idiot?
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Oh my God.
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- "Most correct answers wins. You have three minutes, you must not leave the caravan."
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"Also your time starts now."
Also's unnecessary there.
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(Laughter)
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(Applause)
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- There's a distinction forming
between the two camps here,
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is that the two younger people,
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Ed and Rose,
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just run.
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And you were both like...
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- I don't think, I just read the task
and it's like "get there quickly,"
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and my brain just goes "Alright, go go go!"
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- Yeah, same.
- David swanned over when he felt like it.
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And Jo simply couldn't give a fuck.
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(Laughter)
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So I'm afraid that's all we've got time for in part one.
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See you soon for an exciting new chapter in our lives.
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(Applause)
236
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(Applause)
237
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Hello again.
238
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It's Taskmaster and it's part two.
239
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Alex, please remind me
240
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and I mean, just me
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about the task taking place before the break.
242
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- Just you?
243
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Okay, well it was a bit of a memory test
244
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I hung, I hung some stuff from the, um
245
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I hung some stuff from the ceiling as well
and then they had to come into the caravan,
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and to remember what the bits were.
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And they were hanging from a--
248
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- And how do you think, um...
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(Laughter)
250
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I think that David's gonna do really well.
251
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I think that Katy's gonna do the best
252
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because I think still waters run deep.
253
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- Are you ready?
254
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Okay, we're gonna start off with an exasperated Ed,
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00:10:59,100 --> 00:11:00,900
a riled Rose, and a Jo Brand
256
00:11:01,100 --> 00:11:03,500
who was last seen pacing about
outside the caravan.
257
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:05,400
Here we go.
258
00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:07,000
- Oh my God, okay.
259
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:10,100
There was some hanging rope,
I think there was a paper plane.
260
00:11:10,900 --> 00:11:12,500
- There was like, a water pistol.
261
00:11:13,100 --> 00:11:14,800
Rope, there was like, some rope.
262
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:16,400
- You said "Welcome to the manor."
263
00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:20,100
I think there was like, a ball, that looked a bit like a planet.
264
00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:23,000
Don't look at me like that, Horne.
265
00:11:25,500 --> 00:11:27,200
(Audience laughter)
266
00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:34,300
- Whaaaaa! No, I'm such a dumbass.
267
00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:35,500
Why didn't I?
268
00:11:35,500 --> 00:11:37,300
- You okay, Rose?
- No.
269
00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:38,400
- Are you cross?
270
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:39,900
- I'm cross with myself.
271
00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:43,000
Because of course the task isn't going to be
"Run to the caravan."
272
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:45,200
- No. I haven't been here for two minutes yet.
273
00:11:45,300 --> 00:11:46,900
You could still be in there.
- Yeah.
274
00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:50,000
- Are you coming in?
275
00:11:52,900 --> 00:11:55,800
- You said "Don't leave this room."
276
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:57,000
- Oh, hi Jo.
277
00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:59,100
- Haven't got an effing clue.
278
00:12:00,100 --> 00:12:01,700
- Right, here's some things that you said:
279
00:12:01,700 --> 00:12:04,400
Doctor, snooker ball.
280
00:12:04,500 --> 00:12:07,500
You said "Welcome to the something",
but I'd spoke over you.
281
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:11,100
- I couldn't remember because
all you were saying, it didn't make sense.
282
00:12:11,100 --> 00:12:13,000
- Uhhhhhhhh
283
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:14,400
A hat.
284
00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:15,700
No.
285
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:17,400
- What colour was the board?
286
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:18,500
- Blue?
287
00:12:18,700 --> 00:12:20,800
Right, this board, what colour?
- Blue
288
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,300
- Do you know the colour of the board?
- What board?
289
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:25,000
- The wooden board that...
290
00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:27,400
- No, I didn't even know there was one.
291
00:12:27,500 --> 00:12:29,800
- What else was hanging from there,
let's just make some stuff up.
292
00:12:29,900 --> 00:12:31,000
A fish?
293
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:33,800
- A clock.
A pig.
294
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:36,200
- A cricket ball, lemon.
295
00:12:36,300 --> 00:12:40,000
- A bog, a plane, maybe there was like,
maybe a small baby.
296
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,100
- I think there was a sort of hairy thing.
297
00:12:42,100 --> 00:12:45,400
It could have been a yeti, or a feather.
I don't know.
298
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:47,000
- You've got one second left.
299
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:48,700
(Blows whistle)
300
00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:52,000
- "Hello, Ed", you said.
301
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:53,400
(Blows whistle)
302
00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:57,200
- Not gonna make the Sherlock Holmes society am I?
303
00:12:59,300 --> 00:13:01,100
(Applause)
304
00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:06,600
- What did you think this game was?
305
00:13:07,900 --> 00:13:10,900
- You thought it was
"Get to the caravan in exactly two minutes."
306
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:12,800
So you legged it out of the lab immediately.
307
00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:14,500
- Oh yeah, that's right, I did.
I remember now.
308
00:13:14,500 --> 00:13:17,000
- That's why you were pacing around like a tiger outside.
309
00:13:17,100 --> 00:13:20,000
- She was pacing and counting
and got in there in one minute 57.
310
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,100
- [Everyone] Whoaaa
311
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:26,000
- So you would have had five points,
if that was the game.
312
00:13:27,500 --> 00:13:29,700
- Well, there's no reason it couldn't be.
313
00:13:29,700 --> 00:13:31,800
- And you did guess one thing correctly
by complete chance,
314
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:33,400
you said feather and there was a feather.
315
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:34,000
- Wow.
316
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:37,000
- Amongst your guesses, you also guessed
a hat, Mein Kampf, a yeti.
317
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,100
(Laughter)
318
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:40,800
- Mein Kampf?
319
00:13:41,100 --> 00:13:44,800
- It's an important read
for anyone that's interested in democracy.
320
00:13:48,300 --> 00:13:50,700
- We've not done a lot of political satire on this show.
321
00:13:51,100 --> 00:13:52,600
- And we still haven't.
322
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:56,600
- Rose got one more than Jo.
She managed to remember that there was a rope
323
00:13:56,600 --> 00:13:57,900
and that I said "Welcome to the manor".
324
00:13:57,900 --> 00:13:58,900
- 'Cause I love Cluedo.
325
00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:00,400
- Ah! Well there is a link,
326
00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:03,900
you were the only person who spotted,
they were all to do with Cluedo.
327
00:14:03,900 --> 00:14:06,400
Gamble got the water pistol,
328
00:14:06,500 --> 00:14:09,100
and also remembered I said doctor and snooker ball.
329
00:14:09,100 --> 00:14:10,200
There's a billiard room of course.
330
00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:11,900
So he got four things right.
331
00:14:11,900 --> 00:14:13,200
- Four things?
- So he's, so far, in the lead.
332
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:16,000
- Aww and he had a little run as fast as he could to a caravan.
333
00:14:17,100 --> 00:14:19,400
Who's next?
- I'll show you, here we go.
334
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:27,500
- Okay.
335
00:14:28,100 --> 00:14:30,300
Oh maybe I have to memorise these.
336
00:14:31,300 --> 00:14:32,700
(Applause)
337
00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:34,400
I'll memorise them just in case.
338
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:35,900
For a laugh.
339
00:14:40,300 --> 00:14:41,600
(Laughter)
340
00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:53,400
- Hello.
- Hi, David.
341
00:14:54,900 --> 00:14:56,400
Welcome to the caravan.
- Thank you.
342
00:14:56,500 --> 00:14:57,700
- You got here in time.
343
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:00,100
- Uh, right. A feather.
344
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:01,700
- There was an egg,
345
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:05,100
and there was a pipe
and there was a salt shaker.
346
00:15:05,100 --> 00:15:08,100
There was a little, round, red TM thing.
347
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,800
There was a rope tied up,
348
00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:12,400
there was a plastic gun,
349
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:15,400
there was a peacock feather,
and there was a pen knife.
350
00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:16,900
- An empty salt cellar,
351
00:15:17,100 --> 00:15:18,100
a gun.
352
00:15:18,700 --> 00:15:20,400
The wooden board was red.
353
00:15:21,100 --> 00:15:23,000
You said balls.
354
00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:26,700
- You said that I look very nice, you said hello.
355
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:29,300
You said something like books and...
356
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,500
I didn't take it in. That's the headline.
357
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:36,800
- I stood there knowing that this would happen.
358
00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:38,500
- Hmm.
- Can I go back?
359
00:15:39,900 --> 00:15:41,500
- No.
- Okay.
360
00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:44,500
- The colour of the wooden board in the lab.
361
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:47,200
It was the colour of wood?
362
00:15:47,300 --> 00:15:48,400
- Brown?
- Brown
363
00:15:48,500 --> 00:15:49,900
- Or maybe it was white.
364
00:15:49,900 --> 00:15:52,700
- See, now what's happening is,
I'm seeing things in here,
365
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:54,300
and I want to say them.
366
00:15:54,700 --> 00:15:57,500
I want to say lobster, skull, pineapple.
367
00:15:57,500 --> 00:15:58,600
- But you are saying them.
368
00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:00,600
- Because those are the things in here.
369
00:16:00,900 --> 00:16:02,700
- Yeah, okay.
370
00:16:03,100 --> 00:16:05,400
I'm done, I'm not a perfectionist.
371
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:08,400
(Blows whistle)
372
00:16:09,900 --> 00:16:11,100
- Thank you, Katy.
- Thanks.
373
00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:15,700
- I really feel I should have done better.
374
00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:24,300
(Laughter)
375
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:27,800
(Applause)
376
00:16:33,900 --> 00:16:36,000
- So pleased with yourself, aren't you?
377
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:39,100
- Always turn over the exam.
378
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:41,000
Might be a question on the back.
379
00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:43,500
- Um, I mean you've got to be pleased.
380
00:16:43,500 --> 00:16:46,600
- I just had a feeling.
I mean I've seen the show before.
381
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:49,800
It seemed like the sort of think you'd have to do.
382
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:52,800
- You see, when David looked back at the objects
383
00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:54,400
for that few beats,
384
00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:56,400
I didn't know whether he was memorising them,
385
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:59,500
or whether he was genuinely baffled by the movement.
386
00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:02,800
- I do do memory palace, does anyone do that?
Do anyone know what I'm talking about?
387
00:17:03,300 --> 00:17:06,200
I was trying to do that,
but I couldn't remember how to do it.
388
00:17:08,100 --> 00:17:08,900
It's true.
389
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:10,600
- Look, let's get some points going up.
390
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:12,400
- Well, Jo did come last in that one.
391
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:13,900
Then it was Rose, then Ed, then David.
392
00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:16,100
Katy only didn't get Colonel Mustard or Professor Plum,
393
00:17:16,100 --> 00:17:17,700
and she gets the full five points.
394
00:17:17,900 --> 00:17:19,800
(Applause)
395
00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:22,100
- Let us have a score board.
396
00:17:22,100 --> 00:17:25,500
- Okay, we have joint leaders at this stage
and they are:
397
00:17:25,500 --> 00:17:26,800
David Baddiel and Katy Wix.
398
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:29,100
(Applause)
399
00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:34,500
- Then you shall give me a new task immediately.
400
00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:38,500
- Of course.
And here we have a spot of outdoor creativity.
401
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:39,500
Here we go.
402
00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:43,400
(Taskmaster task music)
403
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:52,600
Hello, Jo.
- Hi Alex.
404
00:17:52,900 --> 00:17:54,400
- Bit like Jurassic Park.
- Careful.
405
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:55,900
- Ooh, watch out.
406
00:17:57,700 --> 00:17:59,700
- "Build the most robust statue,
407
00:17:59,700 --> 00:18:01,600
of the most delicate thing."
408
00:18:01,700 --> 00:18:05,600
- "Using the materials provided and place it on--"
Oops.
409
00:18:05,700 --> 00:18:07,000
"--the red cross."
410
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,600
- "Your delicate thing must be recognisable,
411
00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:11,700
on the red cross an hour after you finish."
412
00:18:11,700 --> 00:18:15,000
- "And should leave you feeling
enormously proud of your creation.
413
00:18:15,700 --> 00:18:16,800
You have 15 minutes."
414
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:18,400
- Final line please, Katy.
415
00:18:18,500 --> 00:18:20,700
- Oh, "Your time starts now."
416
00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:23,900
(Sighs) Okay.
417
00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:26,000
Here we are again.
418
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:29,100
- Feelings are delicate, aren't they?
The male ego.
419
00:18:29,100 --> 00:18:31,600
But how do I represent that in a robust statue?
420
00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:32,700
- Egg boxes.
421
00:18:32,700 --> 00:18:36,200
- I'm just wondering whether
I can convince him that I'm delicate.
422
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:39,300
(Applause)
423
00:18:41,900 --> 00:18:44,000
- Yeah, seems like we should just get on with this.
424
00:18:44,500 --> 00:18:46,100
There's some delicate stuff for us to see.
425
00:18:46,100 --> 00:18:48,500
- Delicate but robust.
Here we go.
426
00:18:49,100 --> 00:18:51,300
- I was gonna say my ego,
427
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:53,400
except I have a very robust ego.
428
00:18:56,900 --> 00:18:58,900
- What's a delicate thing?
A leaf?
429
00:18:59,100 --> 00:19:00,700
- This is pretty delicate.
430
00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:06,800
- There have been times in my life
when it's been delicate, my ego.
431
00:19:11,100 --> 00:19:14,700
I was 15, I think and it took me ages
to ask Avril Cowen,
432
00:19:14,700 --> 00:19:17,400
who was a very beautiful Scottish young woman.
433
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:20,000
And she said "I wish you hadn't asked me that."
434
00:19:20,900 --> 00:19:22,300
- Looking like a leaf?
435
00:19:22,300 --> 00:19:23,400
- Does it look like? Yeah.
436
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:25,300
- Oh no, it's on the fucking thing.
437
00:19:26,100 --> 00:19:29,700
- No! I nailed it to the damn table!
438
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:33,400
- That's Avril.
- You said she was beautiful.
439
00:19:37,900 --> 00:19:40,500
- (Laughs) What is that?
440
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:44,000
- She nearly done?
441
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:45,400
- I think so.
442
00:19:48,100 --> 00:19:50,200
- There you go.
- Okay, thank you David. (Blows whistle)
443
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,400
- Has it got to be there in an hour?
444
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:54,500
- Yes. Thanks Jo.
(Blows whistle)
445
00:19:54,700 --> 00:19:55,800
Thank you Rose.
446
00:19:56,500 --> 00:19:57,500
- (Sighs)
447
00:19:57,900 --> 00:19:59,600
- How do you feel about your creation?
448
00:19:59,900 --> 00:20:01,600
- Yeah, it's okay.
449
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:05,800
Oh, sorry.
I'm feeling enormously proud of my creation.
450
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,000
(Applause)
451
00:20:10,300 --> 00:20:12,300
- What did Avril Cowen mean by that?
452
00:20:12,300 --> 00:20:15,600
- Well, it was a youth camp and for some reason,
453
00:20:15,700 --> 00:20:18,600
if you wanted to get off with a girl,
454
00:20:18,700 --> 00:20:20,700
you had this slightly formal thing you had to do
455
00:20:20,700 --> 00:20:23,800
which was to say to them "will you go with me?".
456
00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:25,400
- Would you go with me?!
457
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:27,800
Did you grow up in 1920s Chicago?
458
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:30,400
- Would you go with me?
459
00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:33,700
- It's 15 year old David Baddiel.
460
00:20:36,100 --> 00:20:39,200
- Is that a fair representation of you Jo?
Do you like poetry?
461
00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:40,200
- Yeah.
462
00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:43,800
- Do you wanna bang one out for us?
463
00:20:45,900 --> 00:20:48,400
- Do I want to bang out a poem for you?
464
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:50,000
I'll have a go.
- Here we go.
465
00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:52,600
- I'm gonna miss out some of the words
because I can't remember them.
466
00:20:52,700 --> 00:20:53,800
- That's okay.
467
00:20:55,300 --> 00:20:56,900
- And that's all of them.
468
00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:00,300
(Applause)
469
00:21:00,900 --> 00:21:02,900
- Rose, what the fuck was your thing?
470
00:21:03,900 --> 00:21:05,500
- I think the work speaks for itself.
471
00:21:05,500 --> 00:21:08,200
- It's the least delicate thing of all time,
but what was it supposed to be?
472
00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:10,800
- The leaf.
- Oh what a beautiful leaf.
473
00:21:12,700 --> 00:21:14,800
- Look, I'm sorry but we have to stop again.
474
00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:16,200
More action soon,
475
00:21:16,300 --> 00:21:18,700
followed by a new task, a live task
476
00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:21,400
and then Katy Wix's prize dong.
477
00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:23,200
Okay? Bye!
478
00:21:23,300 --> 00:21:25,300
(Applause)
479
00:21:29,700 --> 00:21:31,700
(Applause)
480
00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:35,000
Hello!
481
00:21:35,100 --> 00:21:37,200
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
482
00:21:37,500 --> 00:21:40,800
- Yes, and I'd just like to take a moment
to say thank you
483
00:21:40,900 --> 00:21:42,700
using The Taskmaster's voice.
484
00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:44,300
(Greg's voice) Thank you.
485
00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:48,400
Before the break, we saw some lovely,
very personal sculptures.
486
00:21:48,500 --> 00:21:50,300
Do you want to see how they looked after an hour?
487
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:53,100
- Yeah, and then I want you to go with me.
488
00:21:53,300 --> 00:21:54,800
(Laughter)
489
00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:03,600
- Hello, Jo.
- Hi Alex.
490
00:22:03,900 --> 00:22:05,300
- Wanna have a seat?
491
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:07,000
- What, on this thing?
492
00:22:07,100 --> 00:22:08,300
Ohh, okay.
493
00:22:08,300 --> 00:22:10,500
- Hello.
- Oh hello, Rose. Have a seat.
494
00:22:10,500 --> 00:22:11,300
- Okay.
495
00:22:11,300 --> 00:22:13,400
- "Score a goal with this football."
496
00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:16,700
- "Your time starts when Alex blows his whistle."
497
00:22:16,700 --> 00:22:19,000
- Understand the rules?
- Yeah, I've got to score a goal.
498
00:22:19,100 --> 00:22:21,500
And is there a goalie?
Yeah, a sort of goalie.
499
00:22:21,700 --> 00:22:23,900
Oh no that's my-, that's my statue.
500
00:22:23,900 --> 00:22:25,400
- Oh that's right in the way, yeah.
501
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:26,900
Good luck.
502
00:22:26,900 --> 00:22:29,000
- Oh, I wish you hadn't done that, that's mean.
503
00:22:29,100 --> 00:22:30,900
- Good luck. Your time starts (Blows whistle).
504
00:22:31,700 --> 00:22:32,800
- Oh my God.
505
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:40,000
(Laughter)
506
00:22:43,500 --> 00:22:44,900
- See the football...
507
00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:47,200
- Where's the ball gone?
508
00:22:50,300 --> 00:22:51,500
- Coming!
509
00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:52,600
- Thank you.
510
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:54,200
- Ahh!
511
00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:56,800
- Ahhhh!
512
00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:58,600
- Whaaaa Alex!
513
00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:00,900
- Coming.
Ooh, you're close.
514
00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:03,900
- Am I supposed to squash my thing?
- Oh!
515
00:23:11,100 --> 00:23:12,700
- Yeah, that'll do.
516
00:23:12,700 --> 00:23:14,100
- Come on, come on.
517
00:23:17,300 --> 00:23:18,900
Goal!
518
00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:20,100
- Stop the clock.
519
00:23:20,300 --> 00:23:22,700
- Bye, Jo! Bye!
520
00:23:26,100 --> 00:23:28,500
(Blows whistle)
- That's a goal.
521
00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:35,200
- I'm sorry Avril.
You should have said yes.
522
00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:37,800
(Audience laughter)
523
00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:41,200
Now I've destroyed the statue,
I haven't even scored.
524
00:23:41,300 --> 00:23:43,900
For the second time in 40 years.
525
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:47,100
And it's a goal!
526
00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:48,100
(Whistle blows)
527
00:23:48,100 --> 00:23:49,700
- It's a nice clean cut.
528
00:23:49,700 --> 00:23:52,400
- Lovely.
How's your statue?
529
00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:55,600
- Quite a lot thinner,
which is something for me to work towards.
530
00:23:56,700 --> 00:23:58,600
(Applause)
531
00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:03,000
- I found it genuinely heartbreaking,
when mini Jo got crushed.
532
00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:05,200
- You're on your own there, I recon.
533
00:24:05,900 --> 00:24:09,400
- You knew that was important to me,
psychologically, that statue.
534
00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:13,200
- Maybe we've helped you both
exercise a ghost, in a way.
535
00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:16,100
Maybe you don't have to listen
to rubbish old poetry anymore.
536
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:18,200
And maybe you can let that woman go.
537
00:24:18,300 --> 00:24:20,100
- That's how 1920s David Baddiel
538
00:24:20,100 --> 00:24:22,500
would have like, dispatched of Avril as well.
539
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:26,700
If you don't go out with me, you're going to find yourself on the underside of a roller, baby.
540
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:29,000
(Laughter)
541
00:24:30,300 --> 00:24:32,100
Flat as a pancake, see.
542
00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:35,700
- Katy, I would argue that
543
00:24:35,700 --> 00:24:37,900
the roller has enhanced your beautiful thing.
544
00:24:37,900 --> 00:24:40,400
- I had a fucking horrible time on it.
545
00:24:41,500 --> 00:24:43,600
Didn't even see the delicate thing,
I had no sense.
546
00:24:43,700 --> 00:24:45,200
I was just trying to survive.
547
00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:46,900
- But it was a miraculous slice of the thing,
548
00:24:46,900 --> 00:24:48,800
and you were one of the quickest driving.
549
00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:50,100
- Amazing. I don't know how that happened.
550
00:24:50,100 --> 00:24:52,800
- Rose, that leaf was enormous.
551
00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:56,000
And the fact that you are the only one so far,
to totally miss it,
552
00:24:56,100 --> 00:24:58,200
with a roller, and score a goal.
553
00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:00,200
It was unbelievable.
554
00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:01,800
- Yeah, God intervened.
555
00:25:02,100 --> 00:25:04,800
- David was the slowest,
he took 15 minutes and 20 seconds.
556
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:07,200
He was travelling at five miles per day.
557
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:10,900
Then Katy with 11, Jo with eight minutes.
558
00:25:10,900 --> 00:25:13,900
Rose, four minutes 45, just straight down there.
559
00:25:14,100 --> 00:25:15,500
One more to see.
560
00:25:15,700 --> 00:25:17,400
Do you want to see why we've kept Ed till last?
561
00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:19,100
- Oh, no.
- Yes please.
562
00:25:19,100 --> 00:25:20,300
- Okay, here we go.
563
00:25:20,500 --> 00:25:22,200
- I'm just gonna have to do--
564
00:25:22,300 --> 00:25:24,700
Not a flower Ed, think of something better than that.
565
00:25:24,700 --> 00:25:26,700
(Sings) A little baby!
566
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:29,000
(Audience laughter)
567
00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:30,900
Head!
568
00:25:31,100 --> 00:25:32,800
Ooohh sausage legs.
569
00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:38,000
This is just a general broadcast question,
is it weird if I do the baby's nipples?
570
00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:41,400
Belly button.
571
00:25:45,300 --> 00:25:47,900
- Have you finished, Ed?
- Oh God, I think I have.
572
00:25:49,300 --> 00:25:50,400
- Ed please have a seat.
573
00:25:53,100 --> 00:25:55,000
- "Score a goal with this football.
574
00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:58,400
Thank you.
- Your time starts (Blows whistle).
575
00:26:00,300 --> 00:26:01,700
- There we go.
576
00:26:04,700 --> 00:26:05,900
Here we go!
577
00:26:16,100 --> 00:26:17,900
- The whole ball has to go across.
578
00:26:19,500 --> 00:26:20,800
- Oh no!
579
00:26:26,300 --> 00:26:28,700
I think we all know what's going to happen now, don't we.
580
00:26:42,900 --> 00:26:43,900
- Good goal, Ed.
581
00:26:46,500 --> 00:26:47,900
What's it meant to be?
582
00:26:48,100 --> 00:26:49,100
- Baby.
583
00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:53,100
Sorry, there's some there as well.
584
00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:55,000
- Thanks, Ed.
- I mean...
585
00:26:55,500 --> 00:26:58,600
If I'd known in advance,
I wouldn't have made a baby.
586
00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:00,700
(Applause)
587
00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:06,900
- I don't know why it's made worse,
by the fact that the baby had nipples.
588
00:27:07,100 --> 00:27:08,600
(Laughter)
589
00:27:09,500 --> 00:27:10,800
- And it was crucified.
590
00:27:11,500 --> 00:27:13,200
- I put it on the board for stability--
591
00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:14,200
- You crucified it.
592
00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:16,500
- You've clearly crucified it.
593
00:27:16,700 --> 00:27:18,900
And then you mimed it's crucifixion.
594
00:27:20,100 --> 00:27:21,900
So you thought it was the baby Jesus,
595
00:27:21,900 --> 00:27:24,500
and that Jesus was crucified as a baby?
596
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:27,600
You need to reread the book.
597
00:27:28,500 --> 00:27:31,800
- If I'm to take the word 'robust' literally,
598
00:27:31,900 --> 00:27:35,000
we have to look at David and Ed's and say
599
00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:36,700
that's just a pile of mush.
600
00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:38,900
I'm gonna give them both two points.
601
00:27:38,900 --> 00:27:41,600
There was one strand of Jo's hair left.
602
00:27:41,700 --> 00:27:44,800
And that gets her an extra point, three points.
603
00:27:44,900 --> 00:27:47,800
Despite it being one of the worst things ever made,
604
00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:50,400
on nine series of this show,
605
00:27:50,400 --> 00:27:53,900
Rose's thing was robust and intact,
so I'm gonna give her four points.
606
00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:57,500
And clearly, Katy's beautiful cross section
607
00:27:57,500 --> 00:27:59,800
of a delicate leaf, takes home the big five.
608
00:28:01,500 --> 00:28:04,200
- Well, David got a total of three, very low.
609
00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:06,900
Ed, five.
Jo and Katy both got seven points.
610
00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:09,900
Rose got nine points on that task,
so well done Rose Matafeo.
611
00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:12,000
(Applause)
612
00:28:12,500 --> 00:28:13,900
- Please can I see another task?
613
00:28:13,900 --> 00:28:17,100
- Yes you may, Greg.
Get ready, here comes the task.
614
00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:19,700
(Taskmaster task music)
615
00:28:28,900 --> 00:28:30,600
Hello, Ed. How are you?
616
00:28:30,900 --> 00:28:32,200
- Good, oh.
617
00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:35,000
Oh no.
618
00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:42,700
- Oh hello. Ohh.
619
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:49,400
- Oh, what? What?
620
00:28:49,500 --> 00:28:51,600
(Laughs) Sneaky.
621
00:28:51,700 --> 00:28:54,200
- "Break something into the most parts,
622
00:28:54,200 --> 00:28:56,000
and completely fix it."
623
00:28:56,200 --> 00:28:59,600
- "You have five minutes to select your item,
624
00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:01,300
three minutes to break it."
625
00:29:01,700 --> 00:29:03,700
- "And seven minutes to fix it."
626
00:29:03,900 --> 00:29:05,500
What, anything?
- Uh huh.
627
00:29:05,600 --> 00:29:07,500
- "Time starts now."
- Thank you.
628
00:29:07,700 --> 00:29:10,500
- Oh, the thing is, I'm very good at breaking
629
00:29:10,600 --> 00:29:12,300
but awful at fixing.
630
00:29:13,700 --> 00:29:16,400
- What can I break, what you gonna allow me to break?
631
00:29:16,600 --> 00:29:19,800
- I feel pretty broken, but I don't think I could fix myself
632
00:29:20,400 --> 00:29:21,700
in seven minutes.
633
00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:23,700
- Has anyone got a car here?
634
00:29:25,600 --> 00:29:27,000
- Yes, I've got a car here.
635
00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:28,800
- Should I have a go at your engine?
636
00:29:29,700 --> 00:29:32,400
- I'm committed to this show,
but if I was to say my leg...
637
00:29:33,300 --> 00:29:35,500
That would be stupid wouldn't it?
638
00:29:36,000 --> 00:29:37,800
(Applause)
639
00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:43,300
- How long did you give David
to mend his shattered leg?
640
00:29:44,200 --> 00:29:46,300
- Seven minutes.
- Seven minutes.
641
00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:49,000
I mean we had the full range there, didn't we.
642
00:29:49,100 --> 00:29:50,900
Katy breaking our heart,
643
00:29:50,900 --> 00:29:54,300
Ed like a moronic child going
"I'm gonna take an engine to pieces."
644
00:29:55,700 --> 00:29:59,000
- Okay, well we're hoping
you'll learn something from this video because it's
645
00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:01,700
Ed, Jo, Katy
646
00:30:02,100 --> 00:30:03,600
- Get out.
- Educate-y.
647
00:30:04,600 --> 00:30:06,000
- Get out!
- Really?
648
00:30:07,400 --> 00:30:10,600
- What I'm thinking is like,
a massive bar of chocolate.
649
00:30:10,900 --> 00:30:12,300
- So that's possible.
650
00:30:12,400 --> 00:30:15,600
- And you can just break it into like, loads of pieces.
651
00:30:15,700 --> 00:30:18,900
- I'm gonna break up the bread,
and then squish it back together.
652
00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:21,000
- Right, this is the other option.
653
00:30:23,300 --> 00:30:24,500
- Okay, your three minutes starts now.
654
00:30:28,800 --> 00:30:31,100
- I'm going to have to push grapes back onto the stalk.
655
00:30:31,100 --> 00:30:32,700
No one's ever had to do that.
656
00:30:32,900 --> 00:30:34,900
- Fuck. How'd that go?
657
00:30:38,000 --> 00:30:39,700
- This is absolutely insane.
658
00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:42,800
- One, two, three, four.
659
00:30:42,900 --> 00:30:47,000
- I was just thinking, actually you could have just
broken a jigsaw up, couldn't you?
660
00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:50,900
- It's the completely fix part that I'm really...
661
00:30:51,000 --> 00:30:53,500
(Laughs) Sorry, this is bugging me.
662
00:30:57,000 --> 00:30:59,900
- Why have you done it like this, Ed.
You absolute arsehole.
663
00:31:00,600 --> 00:31:03,600
And that is like a jigsaw,
I've made a chocolate jigsaw.
664
00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:08,500
What have I done?
665
00:31:08,700 --> 00:31:11,700
Right is there any glue?
Is there any glue?
666
00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:13,400
Super glue?
667
00:31:14,000 --> 00:31:16,400
- Okay, right that part's over with.
668
00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:18,900
- That's your three minutes.
- Right.
669
00:31:19,200 --> 00:31:22,200
- You have seven minutes
to completely fix your slice of bread.
670
00:31:22,300 --> 00:31:24,200
- Brilliant.
- Starting now.
671
00:31:25,300 --> 00:31:27,200
- I don't know how I can manage that.
672
00:31:31,600 --> 00:31:33,000
- It's not sticking.
673
00:31:37,200 --> 00:31:39,100
Oh frick off!
674
00:31:42,900 --> 00:31:44,700
The glue's not even been coming out.
675
00:31:46,100 --> 00:31:47,500
- Have you snipped off the top?
676
00:31:47,600 --> 00:31:49,800
- I've been injecting grapes with nothing.
677
00:31:50,200 --> 00:31:51,800
- There's scissors in the kitchen.
678
00:31:53,600 --> 00:31:55,100
- It feels kind of erotic.
679
00:31:59,100 --> 00:32:01,300
- I think that looks really similar.
680
00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:04,900
- This is how it's gonna have to be.
681
00:32:08,700 --> 00:32:10,600
- Doesn't say it has to look the same.
682
00:32:10,600 --> 00:32:12,000
- Good as new.
683
00:32:17,100 --> 00:32:18,500
- Chuck that on there as well.
684
00:32:19,300 --> 00:32:21,400
- (Blows whistle) Thank you, Ed.
- Thank you.
685
00:32:21,500 --> 00:32:24,000
- Looks like it's completely fixed.
686
00:32:24,100 --> 00:32:26,800
- (Blows whistle) Please stop fixing you slice of bread.
687
00:32:27,200 --> 00:32:29,400
(Applause)
688
00:32:30,200 --> 00:32:33,400
- Okay, I don't know where to fucking start here.
689
00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:35,900
Jo Brand, straight to the chocolate,
690
00:32:36,000 --> 00:32:37,800
repaired the chocolate using sellotape
691
00:32:37,800 --> 00:32:39,700
- Yeah, and didn't fucking eat it.
692
00:32:41,100 --> 00:32:42,700
- Whoa, I wasn't accusing you.
693
00:32:42,700 --> 00:32:43,900
- Big thing for me.
694
00:32:44,100 --> 00:32:46,900
Just got on with it, like a quiet nerdy fuckwit.
695
00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:48,700
(Laughter)
696
00:32:49,300 --> 00:32:51,300
- Lovely though, you could pick it up afterwards.
697
00:32:51,400 --> 00:32:52,800
- Sort of, yes.
698
00:32:54,100 --> 00:32:56,700
- So let's, let's talk through your slice of bread.
699
00:32:57,200 --> 00:32:59,300
- I mean, you panic don't you.
700
00:33:00,400 --> 00:33:02,400
- You did break them into 220 pieces.
701
00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:03,700
- Well that's pretty good.
- You counted them out.
702
00:33:03,700 --> 00:33:05,000
- Were you wetting the bread?
703
00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:07,700
- Yeah, in the moment I thought water would help.
704
00:33:07,800 --> 00:33:09,600
Yeah, like a sort of cement.
705
00:33:09,600 --> 00:33:12,200
I mean it was in one piece, back together at the end.
706
00:33:12,200 --> 00:33:13,800
- You wouldn't be able to pick that bread up would you?
707
00:33:13,800 --> 00:33:15,400
- I think so, with a spatula.
708
00:33:17,300 --> 00:33:18,300
Definitely.
709
00:33:18,500 --> 00:33:19,900
- Was the crust in the middle of the bread?
710
00:33:19,900 --> 00:33:21,100
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
711
00:33:23,300 --> 00:33:25,100
- Ed.
- Jesus Christ.
712
00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:28,500
- I'd love to try and back it up,
713
00:33:28,500 --> 00:33:30,300
but I lost my mind.
714
00:33:31,500 --> 00:33:33,500
- He broke it in 65 pieces, that's something.
- Yeah.
715
00:33:33,500 --> 00:33:36,200
- And it ended up as 65 pieces, covered in glue.
716
00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:37,800
- Okay.
717
00:33:39,200 --> 00:33:42,200
We've one part left until episode three is complete.
718
00:33:42,300 --> 00:33:46,000
But first, I need to have some alone time.
Stop looking at me. Bye bye.
719
00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:48,400
(Applause)
720
00:33:51,600 --> 00:33:53,800
(Applause)
721
00:33:55,500 --> 00:33:57,700
Thank you. Nice clapping, great clapping.
722
00:33:57,700 --> 00:34:00,100
It's the last part of the show,
there's some serious wood to be won.
723
00:34:00,100 --> 00:34:01,800
But first, there's a task to be completed.
724
00:34:01,800 --> 00:34:03,000
- Oh there sure is.
725
00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:04,300
Hey, guys. Uhh...
726
00:34:04,900 --> 00:34:06,100
If it ain't broke,
727
00:34:06,200 --> 00:34:09,500
break it and then fix it
for a potential five points, that's the task.
728
00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:13,100
Quite unexpectedly, three of them tried to break
and then fix, food.
729
00:34:14,100 --> 00:34:17,500
We haven't seen Rose yet, or David.
So here's Rose and David.
730
00:34:18,000 --> 00:34:19,700
- Well, I was thinking, um
731
00:34:19,900 --> 00:34:23,000
if I got a piece of string, cut it up.
732
00:34:23,200 --> 00:34:26,200
So, I'm breaking it into the most parts,
but then tying it together again.
733
00:34:26,200 --> 00:34:28,700
So I'm actually, really I'm fixing it aren't I?
734
00:34:28,900 --> 00:34:31,500
- Hello.
- Hello David, I've brought my Broadcast Award for you.
735
00:34:31,700 --> 00:34:34,100
- I've been nominated for numerous awards.
736
00:34:34,200 --> 00:34:36,300
But I've never actually won one.
737
00:34:36,500 --> 00:34:38,500
- So you'd end up still, with one big piece of string.
738
00:34:38,700 --> 00:34:39,700
- Yeah!
- Yeah.
739
00:34:40,300 --> 00:34:42,500
- And I think that would be fixing a piece of sting.
740
00:34:42,800 --> 00:34:43,800
- As a result,
741
00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:47,500
I felt I would have a particular energy,
in destroying your Broadcast Award.
742
00:34:48,400 --> 00:34:50,500
- Your three minutes, starts now.
743
00:34:53,600 --> 00:34:54,900
Please be careful.
744
00:34:56,600 --> 00:34:58,500
(Laughter)
745
00:35:02,900 --> 00:35:04,500
- Have you got ear plugs?
746
00:35:04,800 --> 00:35:07,600
- You want some ear plugs?
- I might deafen myself doing this.
747
00:35:15,300 --> 00:35:17,400
- There's one knot, two knots.
748
00:35:17,800 --> 00:35:21,200
I could do a knot in about 10 seconds,
so, what that's...
749
00:35:21,200 --> 00:35:22,700
(laughs) Let's do some math.
750
00:35:22,700 --> 00:35:25,400
That's six, six times seven, 42.
So I could do 42 knots.
751
00:35:25,700 --> 00:35:26,800
Could I?
752
00:35:32,100 --> 00:35:33,200
- Have you got any lighter fuel?
753
00:35:33,200 --> 00:35:34,200
- Lighter fluid?
- Yeah.
754
00:35:34,200 --> 00:35:35,500
- Have you got a match?
755
00:35:42,300 --> 00:35:43,400
- Oh, I've put it out.
756
00:35:43,600 --> 00:35:45,400
(Audience laughter)
757
00:35:45,600 --> 00:35:48,300
- I think that's enough, I think that's enough.
I'm too scared.
758
00:35:48,500 --> 00:35:52,400
- Your seven minutes to fix your string completely,
starts now. (Blows whistle)
759
00:35:56,800 --> 00:35:58,700
- Have you got a pen?
- What sort of pen?
760
00:35:58,800 --> 00:36:01,000
- A black pen.
That doesn't work.
761
00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:03,100
This doesn't write on here.
762
00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:05,200
It just says Broad Arse now.
763
00:36:06,700 --> 00:36:08,500
Do you want a Broad Arse Award?
764
00:36:08,900 --> 00:36:10,200
- Is it a compliment?
765
00:36:10,500 --> 00:36:14,000
- Seems like a challenge
that a cursed princess would be made to do.
766
00:36:14,100 --> 00:36:17,200
- Locked in a tower.
"Tie the strings together."
767
00:36:26,700 --> 00:36:29,300
- If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well.
768
00:36:29,300 --> 00:36:31,900
- Just gonna check the integrity. Uh huh.
769
00:36:32,100 --> 00:36:33,200
- Here we go.
770
00:36:33,400 --> 00:36:34,600
- You gonna...
- Do what?
771
00:36:34,600 --> 00:36:37,100
- Put it back to how it was completely? Or...
772
00:36:37,300 --> 00:36:40,200
- What do you mean?
Oh shit. (laughs)
773
00:36:42,600 --> 00:36:45,100
That doesn't count, that doesn't count.
That's gorgeous isn't it.
774
00:36:45,100 --> 00:36:46,200
(Whistle blows)
775
00:36:46,500 --> 00:36:47,900
- Yeah, thanks Rose.
776
00:36:48,600 --> 00:36:50,400
(Applause)
777
00:36:51,200 --> 00:36:54,900
- Tell me, once you'd established
that the award was one solid bit of metal,
778
00:36:54,900 --> 00:36:57,800
- Yeah.
- What did you think it would add, setting fire--
779
00:36:58,400 --> 00:36:59,600
--setting fire to it?
780
00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:03,100
- Well, I thought it might melt,
and be easier to smash into pieces.
781
00:37:03,100 --> 00:37:05,100
- Oh you thought the lighter fluid
would get it to such a heat.
782
00:37:06,300 --> 00:37:09,400
- I thought it would melt
and become like molten award,
783
00:37:10,000 --> 00:37:11,400
and then I could smash it more easily.
784
00:37:11,400 --> 00:37:13,500
'Cause I don't know if you noticed, it wasn't smashing.
785
00:37:13,600 --> 00:37:15,500
- Okay let's talk about your fairy tale.
786
00:37:15,500 --> 00:37:18,400
In this fairy tale, does the evil man say you must
787
00:37:18,500 --> 00:37:22,200
um, cut up some string and then make it whole again?
788
00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:24,300
Or did your princess choose to do that?
789
00:37:24,300 --> 00:37:25,900
- Yeah, the princess is probably just a bit bored.
790
00:37:25,900 --> 00:37:28,900
- It strikes me Rose, that if it's a traditional fairy tale,
791
00:37:29,600 --> 00:37:32,200
a handsome prince would come
and rescue the princess.
792
00:37:32,300 --> 00:37:33,800
He might get to the top of the tower,
793
00:37:33,900 --> 00:37:37,300
and see that she's spent all her time
cutting up string,
794
00:37:37,300 --> 00:37:39,800
and then tying back together again and think:
795
00:37:39,800 --> 00:37:42,200
"Ahhh, she seems.... she seems quite boring to me."
796
00:37:43,400 --> 00:37:45,700
- I'm not gonna get points off for being boring, am I?
797
00:37:45,700 --> 00:37:46,900
- Feels like it.
798
00:37:47,800 --> 00:37:49,900
He set fire to a lump of metal.
799
00:37:50,900 --> 00:37:52,500
- And I'm gonna get no points.
800
00:37:52,600 --> 00:37:55,100
- Okay.
- Okay, who do you think broke it and fixed it the worst?
801
00:37:55,100 --> 00:37:58,700
- Who do you think?
Obviously Ed lost his mind, he gets one point.
802
00:37:58,700 --> 00:38:01,400
David didn't break anything, he gets two points.
803
00:38:01,400 --> 00:38:04,300
- Right.
- Katy, you reformed a bread
804
00:38:04,300 --> 00:38:06,800
but you wouldn't be able to pick it up,
so I'm only going to give you three points.
805
00:38:06,800 --> 00:38:09,700
-Okay.
- Rose, Rumpelstiltskin, yes.
806
00:38:09,800 --> 00:38:12,700
The princess who tied string together, rubbish.
807
00:38:12,700 --> 00:38:16,200
But I can't deny, it looked like string,
I'll give you four points.
808
00:38:16,500 --> 00:38:20,500
And Jo Brand, I mean tick, tick, tick,
five points!
809
00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:22,600
(Applause)
810
00:38:22,800 --> 00:38:23,900
- Hurray!
811
00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:25,000
- Scores!
812
00:38:25,000 --> 00:38:27,200
- Ed is in last place with 12 points,
813
00:38:27,200 --> 00:38:30,400
seven points away from the leader so far,
which is Katy Wix with 19 points.
814
00:38:30,600 --> 00:38:33,200
(Cheering and applause)
815
00:38:34,800 --> 00:38:36,700
- Right, up you stand please,
816
00:38:36,700 --> 00:38:39,300
make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show.
817
00:38:39,800 --> 00:38:41,500
(Applause)
818
00:38:48,900 --> 00:38:50,700
Five great guys in ponchos.
819
00:38:50,800 --> 00:38:52,200
Who's gonna read the task out?
820
00:38:52,300 --> 00:38:54,500
- Uh, Katy Wix is gonna read it out, if that's alright.
821
00:38:54,500 --> 00:38:55,600
- Okay.
822
00:38:56,400 --> 00:38:59,400
"Wearing your blindfold correctly at all times,
823
00:38:59,500 --> 00:39:01,600
"fill a pint glass with water.
824
00:39:01,800 --> 00:39:04,200
"If you make a big mess you are disqualified.
825
00:39:04,400 --> 00:39:07,600
"Closest to a pint of water, wins.
You have three minutes."
826
00:39:07,600 --> 00:39:08,900
- Can I piss in it?
827
00:39:10,000 --> 00:39:11,600
- That wouldn't be water, David would it?
It would be piss.
828
00:39:11,600 --> 00:39:12,700
- It would be mainly water.
829
00:39:12,900 --> 00:39:14,400
- Well yes, yes you can.
830
00:39:15,600 --> 00:39:17,200
Is everyone ready to put their blindfolds on?
831
00:39:17,200 --> 00:39:18,800
- Yeah, go one then.
- Pop them down.
832
00:39:19,000 --> 00:39:20,800
- Just gonna take off your red cloak.
833
00:39:20,800 --> 00:39:21,600
- Thank you.
834
00:39:23,100 --> 00:39:25,100
- Okay.
- Is this water?
835
00:39:25,800 --> 00:39:28,600
- I feel like I'm in a terrible Slipknot tribute act.
836
00:39:29,300 --> 00:39:30,800
- Is it water in here?
837
00:39:31,000 --> 00:39:33,500
- You've got three minutes
to make a pint of water.
838
00:39:33,600 --> 00:39:35,400
Your time starts (blows whistle)
839
00:39:37,300 --> 00:39:38,800
- How do you get the-- Oh, the lid.
840
00:39:42,300 --> 00:39:43,400
That's water.
841
00:39:43,700 --> 00:39:45,200
- I don't understand.
842
00:39:45,200 --> 00:39:46,300
- What don't you understand, Katy?
843
00:39:46,300 --> 00:39:48,000
- I don't know, all of it.
844
00:39:51,000 --> 00:39:53,100
- Is this all water?
- Is it all water?
845
00:39:53,100 --> 00:39:55,000
- These are all valid questions.
846
00:39:55,200 --> 00:39:56,500
- Is it blood?
847
00:39:56,500 --> 00:39:58,200
- Okay, I'm gonna drink some of this.
848
00:39:59,400 --> 00:40:01,400
- Ahh! What is that?
849
00:40:02,900 --> 00:40:04,600
- Ahhh! Ahhh!
850
00:40:05,300 --> 00:40:06,500
- What is that?
851
00:40:09,300 --> 00:40:11,000
- Shit.
- That is Marmite.
852
00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:14,500
- If you make a big mess you will me disqualified.
853
00:40:14,700 --> 00:40:16,100
- That's water.
854
00:40:19,900 --> 00:40:21,700
- That felt like a rat.
855
00:40:22,800 --> 00:40:24,200
- I don't know what that is.
856
00:40:24,700 --> 00:40:26,300
Smells medical.
857
00:40:26,700 --> 00:40:28,300
- Oh, that's not water.
858
00:40:28,500 --> 00:40:29,500
- Very focused at the end.
859
00:40:29,500 --> 00:40:30,900
- Very focused.
- Very good.
860
00:40:31,000 --> 00:40:32,400
- Oh that's water.
861
00:40:34,800 --> 00:40:37,400
- Whaaa! That was fucking sand!
862
00:40:41,100 --> 00:40:43,300
- I should say yeah, don't-- don't drink the sand.
863
00:40:43,300 --> 00:40:45,300
- That's not-- that's not water.
864
00:40:46,700 --> 00:40:48,900
- What the heck is that?
865
00:40:50,100 --> 00:40:52,500
- Oh hang on, that doesn't shake.
866
00:40:56,500 --> 00:40:58,100
- Oh vinegar!
867
00:40:58,600 --> 00:41:00,700
- Eight seconds left.
- That's vinegar as well.
868
00:41:01,400 --> 00:41:04,100
- Five, four, three,
869
00:41:04,700 --> 00:41:07,100
two, one.
(Blows whistle)
870
00:41:07,100 --> 00:41:09,200
(Applause)
871
00:41:12,000 --> 00:41:15,000
- I just realised, I had my eyes shut for the whole thing.
872
00:41:15,900 --> 00:41:17,000
- How did you do that?
873
00:41:17,100 --> 00:41:18,900
- Heeyyyyy!
874
00:41:20,000 --> 00:41:22,100
- It's like a body builder's breakfast.
875
00:41:22,800 --> 00:41:25,300
- Hey, I've got an idea,
we'll analyse the pints,
876
00:41:25,300 --> 00:41:27,800
we'll tot up the points,
we'll end with the final score.
877
00:41:27,900 --> 00:41:30,200
And why don't you all
come down here and join me.
878
00:41:31,500 --> 00:41:33,900
(Cheering and applause)
879
00:41:37,100 --> 00:41:39,000
Well, that was all very exciting wasn't it?
880
00:41:39,100 --> 00:41:40,800
- It was, and I've analysed the pints.
881
00:41:40,800 --> 00:41:42,600
- Ohh here we go.
So you can distribute the points.
882
00:41:42,700 --> 00:41:43,900
Pints look like--
883
00:41:45,500 --> 00:41:48,500
- Some of them look like pure, pure water though,
but were they?
884
00:41:48,500 --> 00:41:51,600
- Well, I can tell you at either end you've got David and Rose,
885
00:41:51,600 --> 00:41:54,700
who amazingly put the same amount
of water and vinegar in theirs.
886
00:41:55,600 --> 00:41:57,100
Ed is very nearly a pint.
887
00:41:57,200 --> 00:41:59,300
He also put one thing of vinegar in.
888
00:41:59,300 --> 00:42:00,600
- Did I?
- Yes you did.
889
00:42:00,900 --> 00:42:03,700
- Katy only put a little bit of water in,
seven test tubes.
890
00:42:03,700 --> 00:42:05,100
But it is just water.
891
00:42:05,100 --> 00:42:09,000
And then Jo, water, egg, vinegar and two jars of cotton wool.
892
00:42:09,400 --> 00:42:10,800
(Laughter)
893
00:42:11,100 --> 00:42:12,700
Closest to a pint is Ed's.
894
00:42:12,700 --> 00:42:14,900
- Is Ed Gamble and he only popped one vinegar in.
895
00:42:14,900 --> 00:42:17,200
Well he's a clear five pointer.
- Okay, five points to Ed Gamble.
896
00:42:19,000 --> 00:42:20,900
Then we've got Katy with pure water,
897
00:42:20,900 --> 00:42:23,100
David and Rose is 10 parts water, one part vinegar.
898
00:42:23,100 --> 00:42:26,200
- Right, okay well we have to recognise pure water.
899
00:42:26,200 --> 00:42:27,900
- And respect it.
- And respect it.
900
00:42:27,900 --> 00:42:30,000
- That's what Katherine means, it means pure.
901
00:42:30,100 --> 00:42:31,900
- Hey, four points.
902
00:42:32,600 --> 00:42:34,200
- You're putting Katy in second place.
903
00:42:34,200 --> 00:42:35,700
- I'm putting Katy in second place.
904
00:42:36,300 --> 00:42:38,900
Well I think you know where this is going,
David and Rose,
905
00:42:39,100 --> 00:42:40,600
- Joint third.
- Joint third.
906
00:42:40,600 --> 00:42:42,600
- And one point to Jo Brand.
- Jo Brand!
907
00:42:42,700 --> 00:42:44,400
(Applause)
908
00:42:44,800 --> 00:42:47,100
- Shall I give you the final scoreboard for this episode?
909
00:42:47,100 --> 00:42:50,200
- Yes!
- Okay, well Jo did end up on last place with 15.
910
00:42:50,200 --> 00:42:53,400
And the winner of this episode with 23 points,
was Katy Wix!
911
00:42:53,600 --> 00:42:56,200
(Cheering and applause)
912
00:42:56,600 --> 00:42:58,900
- Katy Wix wins episode three.
913
00:42:58,900 --> 00:43:01,900
Please go and wave around your winner's wood.
914
00:43:02,500 --> 00:43:04,700
(Applause)
915
00:43:05,800 --> 00:43:07,600
What have we learned today?
916
00:43:07,600 --> 00:43:10,300
We've learned that you've got a busy life,
full of stress,
917
00:43:10,400 --> 00:43:12,400
deadlines and bills to be paid.
918
00:43:12,400 --> 00:43:14,300
Try and remember, that at the end of the day
919
00:43:14,300 --> 00:43:17,400
life is just injecting grapes with nothing.
920
00:43:17,500 --> 00:43:19,100
Thank you everybody for watching.
921
00:43:19,100 --> 00:43:23,000
And let's here it again for tonight's winner,
Katy Wix!
922
00:43:23,100 --> 00:43:25,700
(Cheering and applause)
69057
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