All language subtitles for Mallrats (1995) Extended (1080p BluRay x265 10bit Tigole)_Legendas01.ENG

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(LAUGHS)

I told him, "Donald...

"I have to attend.
It's my ball."

And then he said:

"Thelodge
only throws their ball
once every decade.

"Why can't you ever
attend my balls?"

And I said, "Jesus Christ,
Donald, that's what I've been
doing for 30 years."

(LAUGHS)

You're such an idiot.

(STUTTERING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Gov. Dalton,
this is Jared Svenning...

the gentleman to whom
you are presenting
the honorarium.

Governor,
it's a pleasure
to meet you.

Might I add, you're
absolutely stunning
this evening?

You can dispense
with the ass-munching.

You're getting your check.

(LAUGHING)

(STUTTERING)

Thank you.

The grant, that is,
will go a long way...

towards funding
the new programming

that I'm working on
for KREL.
Mmm...

That's the public
access station, right?

The one they run
the lottery numbers on?

Well, we, uh, air more
than just lottery numbers.

Mmm-mmm...
I mean, in fact...

we're going to broadcast
a live game show from
a local mall this Saturday.

How long is this thing
going to take?

Tonight I've got
Melrose at 9:00.

Uh...

Well, there's dinner,
followed by
the presentation.

Oh, and then we adjourn
into the auditorium
for a stage presentation...

by the Drama
and History Clubs.

They put together
an impressive musical
about Paul Revere...

enflfled
Light Your Own Lamps.

ls there a dance number?

Nothing better than
a couple of skimpily
clad undergraduates...

just hurling themselves
across the stage,
I always say.

Get me another highball.

Right away, Governor.

Will you stop?
Stop it! Cut it out!

Just don't eyeball
everyone like that.
(CLEARS TH RCDAT)

All you're doing is
creeping everyone out.

Sorry, Governor.

Sven, you know
these security types...

everyone a glory hound,
I always say.

(LAUGHING)

They're all just
waiting to tackle
the next Sirhan Sirhan.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I mean, I ask you...
(CLEARS THROAT)

can you imagine anyone
wanting to attack me,
for Christ's sake?

(LAUGHING)
(GROANS)

Freeze!
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

What are you doing?
(CHUCKLING)

You looking at
naked guys in
the shower again?

Didn't anyone ever
tell you not to
point guns at people?

Once. I shot him.

Mmm.

Nice sneakers.

Oh, I went to look
for you in your room,

and Ronnie told me
I could find you up here.

(STAMMERING)
What gives?

I wanted to finish
that paper on supernovas...

and John Slas said that
I could use his telescope...

before he went home
for break.

What do you need his for?
You got your own.

No, I got the lenses, T.S.,
but I need Slas' shaft.

Oh.

You need Slas' shaft, huh?

You insatiable slut!

"We're all in the gutter,
but some of us
are looking at the stars."

Oscar Wilde.
Mmm.

I thought that
you'd be down there

trying to secure
the best seat
in the house.

This might be the first
and last time you ever see
your boyfriend on stage...

especially in a musical.

(GRUNTS)

So I'd like you
to be down there
front row, up center.

I'm gonna watch you
from up here.

With that thing?
You'll never see me.

Are you kidding?

Do you have any idea
how powerful this thing is?

I'll be able to see
the flop sweat
form on your brow.

Yeah, but you won't
be able to hear me sing.

Bingo.

(LAUGHING)

Strident.

I'm gonna have to
teach you a lesson about
being demure for your man.

In fact...

that's it.
I'm having sex with you
right here, right now.

What are you doing?

Let's go, come on.
Pull them down.
(SCREAMING)

Would you get off me?
I've got work to do.
Oh, I don't mind.

I'll just let you finish
your star gazing.

I'll take you
from behind here.

It'll be great practice
for when we get older,

and you watch TV
while we screw.

Will you get off me?

All right.

For now.
Uh-huh.

But when
we get to Florida in...

about approximately
17 hours, you owe me.

About that...

Yes?

Well, I can't go.

Excuse me?

My dad's asked me
to help him
with his new show.

What,
like his assistant or...

As a contestant.

You mean that
Dating Game rip-off thing?

That is what
you're talking about here,
right?

Geez!

That guy knows no shame.

What, so he forbid you
to go to Florida when
you said no, is that it?

(MURMURS)
I can't believe...

Brandi?

(SNIFFLES)

You didn't say no?

T.S., it's no big deal.
I mean, it's just TV.

Besides,
it is really important
for my father's career.

Otherwise,
he would never
have asked me.

Brandi, the guy hates me,
for Christ's sake.

Don't you think that
might be a little part
of the motive here?

He'd love to see
us break up.

He'd love for us not
to go on that vacation,
that's for sure.

What did you think,
for Christ's sake?

Jesus! You know,
for a science major,

you can be really
fucking stupid sometimes.

I was giving you
the benefit
of the doubt, T.S.

I thought that you
might be able to handle
this like an adult...

and show my father
how wrong he is
about our relationship.

VVeH,lguess
I credited you
with too much.

You are just as thoughtless
and possessive as he is.

You both see me as property.

(SNICKERING) In fact,
the two of you have
so much in common...

you should just go
date each other.

Brandi, wait!

Just leave me alone.
Please.

Ow!
Oh, no. The gun's caught
in your hair.

Would you get it out?
I'm trying.

Oh, Mr. Svenning...

Jesus Christ!
Don't kill me!

Oh, no! Shh.
For God's sake!

He's with me.

Oh, God!
He's one of my people.
It's okay.

We'll be ready in five,
Mr. Svenning.

Go, it's okay.

No, your hair's caught
around the trigger here.
Stop moving.

Would you just get it off?
It hurts.

The presentation will
begin in about
five minutes, Governor.

Mmm-mmm.

SVENNING:
Why not freshen up a bit?

GOVERNOR:
What the hell is that
supposed to mean?

That I look like
a piece of shit
or something?

Maybe we can
jar it loose.

Here, come over here
to the right.
Oh!

Here, lean over here.

(SCREECHES)
Come over here, okay?
All right? Ready?

Sniper!

(SCREAMING)

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

BOTH: Oh, shit!

How many are there?

I spotted two,
a male and a female.

What kind of artillery?

Perps were using
a shotgun.

Was the Governor hit?

Of course I'm hit,
you asshole.

You hit me like
some goddamn wrestler.

There's no blood.
She wasn't attacked.

Get your foot off my tit!

Oh, sorry, ma'am.

Mr. Svenning, I quit!

Hey, I think
they're trying
to signal us.

(SIRENS WAILING)
(T.S. PANTING)

It's okay,
we're not armed.

This is just a prop.
I'm in the musical.

It's just a blank.
It wasn't serious.

What did he say?
I think he said
they were Syrians.

Sweet Christ,
terrorists on our campus?

Why is he dressed like
a Revolutionary VVar
minuteman?

For irony! Your average
terrorist's a showman first,
killer second.

My God! It's a member
of the History Club.

I blame the parents.
It's the parents at blame.

They are not
raising their children
properly these days.

BRANDI: ls Jared Svenning
down there?

(WOMAN CHATTERING
ON POLICE RADIO)

That's you, isn't it?

(STAMMERING)
Uh, no. Well, yes...

but, I mean,
how would a terrorist
know me?

(LAUGHING)

Daddy? It's me, Brandi.

That explains it.

(SVENNING GROANING)

(STAMMERING)
Governor, please.

I want to apologize
for this fiasco.

My daughter is a huge
fan of your work.

Svenning.

Your check.

On. (LAUGHING)

Oh, I don't know
what to say,
but thank you.

You want money
for your pissant station.

Just try playing
the lottery.

No!

You know where
they air those results.

Oh!

Get me to
the goddamned hospital.

(SIGHS)

Now!

God damn,
I fractured my collarbone.

(GROANING)

(SIGHS)

Mr. Svenning, look,
I want to apologize.

Thank you
for squaring everything
with the police.

I know we probably
worried you,

but Brandi and I
are both okay. We--
(SNIFFLES)

If it wouldn't mean
implicating my daughter
in this somehow...

I would insist
that the authorities
lock you up...

for the rest of
youryounglfie,
you goddamned little menace!

Sir, it was an accident,
I swear!

No, you're the accident,
you moron!

You have no idea
what you just cost me
here today. Mmm!

I mean, you're like
all the other spoiled jerks

I've ever known
in my whole life!

Everything is handed to you
on a silver platter.

You people,
you just don't grasp
the precept...

of somebody
who has to work
for their breaks.

That's "concept."
What?

Oh, you said "precept,"
I think you meant to say...

"concept"
Listen to me,
you little prick, you.

You may have
my daughter snowed...

but it'll be a cold day
in hell before you
pull the wool over my eyes.

What you just did to me
here tonight...

I'm going to make it
my mission in life...

to do to you
on a regular basis.

Mmm!

Nobody fucks with
Jared Svenning's career...

and walks away clean, huh!

I promise you that.

(SIGHS)

Hey man, I just want
to tell you that I really dug
what you did up there.

Anarchy rules, dude!
(CHUCKLES)

We're over, T.S.
Oh, come on!

I thought we weren't going
through this break-up,
make-up shit anymore.

No, we're not.
So you can just forget
about making up.

Listen to you. Why don't
you just admit it?
Admit what?

That this isn't about
just what happened
on the roof.

You're using that
as an excuse 'cause you
don't have the guts...

to stand up to your father.
Maybe I don't.

Come on, Brandi.
What about Florida?

You havejus
t humiliated me in front
of the entire school...

the community, the nation,
for God's sakes.

You seriously damaged
my father's career...

you insult me with that
good-cop bad-cop routine...

and now you have the gall
to ask me if I still want
to go on vacation.

I was going to propose
to you in Florida.

I thought that you'd
screwed up in every way
possible tonight, T.S.

Guess I underestimated you.

Shit!

(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

Sweet fucking Christ,
would you knock it off?

God!
What?

(SIGHS)

What time is it?

9130.

Man, go back to sleep!

(SIGHS)

(SIGHING)
Thank Christ.

What the hell
are you doing?

Finishing my game.

No. You promised
me breakfast.

Breakfast!

Breakfast, shmeckfast.
Look at the score,
for God's sake.

I'm only in the middle
of the second
and I'm winning 12 to 2.

Breakfasts come
and go, Rene.

Now Hartford,
the Whale?

They only beat Vancouver once,
maybe twice, in a lifetime.
(SNIFFLES)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

You hit the bathroom already?

Don't worry. I didn't
let your mother see me.

Who's worried?
Are you kidding me?

I've never met a person
who lives in as much fear
of his mother as you do.

I do not.
Mmm.

So that's why I have
to sneak in here...

after everyone's
asleep at night

and sneak out undetected
in the morning?

You want I should
tell my mother what
we do in here at night?

That you play videogames
and I fall asleep unfulfilled?

Go ahead. It beats
the sneaking-around shit.

What can I say?
She doesn't like you.

You've never even
introduced me
to her, Brodie.

BRODIE: She wouldn't like you.

You're retarded.
Everybody's mother
likes me.

Not mine.

Jesus Christ!
Are you back in
the bathroom again?

What do you do in there
all the time?
(TOILET FLUSHES)

RENE: Figure it out.

No, I mean like before.
Like every morning
before you leave...

you're in there for
like a half an hour

and all I ever hear
is water running.

And?

You're not in there
touching yourself,
are you?

I was wrong about you.
You're crass and retarded.

What do you do in there?

You really want to know?

I asked, didn't I?
I'm playing the role
of the concerned guy.

L cry-

You cry?
I cry.

Any particular reason?

Hey!

I think about the people
that make decisions
that affect our lives.

The doctors
who make advancements
in curing diseases.

The engineer that
designs skyscrapers.

The guy that maps out
a plane's flight path.

The navigator.

I think about
how those people are
out there every day...

making a difference,
leading big lives...

(DRAVVER CRASHING)
and how they refuse
to be intimidated

by the tremendous odds
of failure they face.

And how they only
concern themselves

with peers and company
that apply...

to their goals
and noble causes.

Jesus! I'd hate to tell
you what I think about
when I'm in the bathroom.

I think about
all that and I cry...

(SIGHS)

because I have
nothing better to do
than fuck you.

(DOG BARKING)

You're dumping me?

What are you, crazy?

Is this because
I didn't introduce you
to my mother?

(EXCLAIMING)

Holy shit!
If it isn't mon fre're.

Last time I saw you,

you were on CNN
taking shots
at public officials.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(DOG BARKING)

Mr. Quint.

Move!

So you're looking
for sanctuary.

It's been like this
all morning.

Can you blame them
after the spectacle
you made of yourself?

What were you
trying to do, anyway?
Impress Jodie Foster?

I wasn't gunning
for the Governor, Brodie.

It was a stupid
misunderstanding.

Ah. Now you're
crying patsy...

thus demonstrating all
the key characteristics...

of a lone nut assassin.

Usual vault rules apply:
touch not,
lest ye be touched.

You're such an
anal-retentive bastard.

Hey, I tried to teach you
how to handle comics in the
sixth grade, but, oh, no...

you wanted to play
Little League instead.

What's that?

Like it? I framed it
before you got here.

Oh, my God!
Rene dumped you!

Hell hath no fury
like a woman
scorned for Sega.

What's that mean?
You had to be there.
Just keep reading.

Wow! Look at this
laundry list of complaints.

You have no direction,
no college ambition,
no job prospects.

Yeah. It also says
I have no dick.

But you'll notice that follows
the financial question,
proving once more...

what women really look for.

What do you do
for money, anyway?

Blood bank, sperm bank,
currently considering
the eye bank.

Wow, she calls
you callow in here.

You say that like it's bad.

It means frightened
and weak-willed.
Really?

Shit. That was the only
part of the letter
I thought was complimentary.

Yeah, well, you're lucky.

Unlike you, I didn't even
get a letter filled with
obscure adjectives.

What are you
telling me here?

I, too, now am in
the framing business.

Holy shit!
Brandi dumped you.

Wait a second,
aren't you two supposed
to go to Florida?

Should've left this morning.
Oh, it gets worse.

I was gonna
propose to her.
Where?

On the Universal tour.
You're kidding!
What part?

When Jaws
pops out of the water.

That's the most romantic
thing I've ever heard.

Too bad I'm not
trying to marry you.

Let me ask you something.
Did you ever fart
in front of her?

(SNICKERING)

Why do you ask?

I never farted in
front of Rene,
not once, all right?

Then last week
I let one slip.
Today she dumps me.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

You think that that's
why Rene dumped you?

She's not
the shallow type,
Brodie.

She was going down
on me at the time.

Shut up!
What can I say?
I was feeling very relaxed.

When I'm relaxed,
I squirt.
(EXCLAIIVIS)

If all she did
was dump you,
you got off light.

I can't believe this shit.

Why are we sitting here
trying to figure out...

where we went wrong
with our significant others?

We just nailed it,
in your case.

No, there is something
out there that can help ease
our simultaneous double loss.

Ritual suicide?

No, you idiot.
The fucking mall!

I prefer ritual suicide.

Oh, come on, man!
It'll be great.

They got these new cookies
at the cookie stand.

You have to try them,
they're awesome.

You think the promise
of a cookie
is gonna lure me...

into doing something
I have zero interest in?

What am I, 5 years old?
(SIGHS)

Quint, don't be such
a pussy, all right?
Justgo.

All right,
I'll tell you what.

We can stop off
at Brandi's if that'll
make you feel better.

You can talk to her,
maybe patch this thing up.

(VVINDOVV OPENS)
Oh, Mr. Quint,
I'm Fred Bishop with NBC.

The network would
like to buy the rights
to your story...

to make a tasteful telepic.
(GRUNTING)

Mr. Quint,
Tom Drucker, CBS.

We'll pay more money
and we'll get Drew Barrymore
to play your girlfriend.

Hey, back off.

We can stop
at Brandi's, right?
Yeah.

Get dressed.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

Jazzercise?
Why does your mother have
an aerobics tape in her car?

We lose them?

Not a news van in sight.

Damn, anyone ever tell you
you drive like the Bandit?

Oh, shit!
So much for seeing Brandi.

BRODIE: Just ignore them
and go in.

You kidding?
That's Hard Edition.
That's tabloid TV.

They see me here
and it's "Suburban Bonnie
and Clyde reunite...

"to slay father
in his own home."

Man, I don't know
what you're crying about.

I'd cut one of my nuts
in half to be on TV.

That'd get you
on this show.

All right, tell you what.
You go round the back...

I'll run interference
with the fourth estate.

You got my back?
Your back is got.

All right.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

So what's this all about?

I'm Tori Metzger
from Hard Edition.

We're hoping
to get an interview
with Brandi Svenning.

Yeah, that's the girl
who took a shot
at the Governor.

The same.
Do you know her?

Oh, I should say so.
I've lived next door
to her for 19 years.

Even dated her once.

Shit, the stories
I could tell you!
Really?

Satanic rituals?
Oh, all the time.

I remember coming over
for Christmas one year...

and they were celebrating
a black mass.

Her father had sex
with a goat right there
in the den.

And nobody ever
reported this
to the authorities?

Everyone around here
is paralyzed by fear.

Makes for shitty
block parties.

Could we possibly
go onto your property...

and get you on tape
with their backyard
behind you?

You want to
put me on TV?

Shit, I'll take you
to their property

if you're gonna put me
on TV. Come on!

I was thinking
of calling you.

Has your dad
calmed down any?

Well, until this morning.

He read an article today
comparing him to the father
of James Earl Ray.

(SIGHS)
(LAUGHING)

Can't you explain it to him?
You know it was an accident.

I know it wasn't planned.

But "accident"
is too light a term

to describe
what happened, T.S.

Whatever. Can't we
just forget about it?

Look, we already
missed Florida.

We could be spending
this time alone together.

Away from our friends,
school, studies,
everything.

Don't you want to
spend some time
alone with me?

Just to talk.

Perhaps.

Perhaps.

Or perhaps more than talk.

Oh. Oh, oh.

Absolutely.
I'm always one
for active non-talking.

Mmm-hmm.
(LAUGHING)

Why don't you go get
a pizza with me tonight?

I've got
the game show tonight.

This is Svenning's bedroom.

Now, I must warn you.

The images that you capture,
whatever is going on
in that room...

may be ungodly
and horrific.

Take a look.

(GRUNTING)

I can't believe
that you're still
going through with this.

Come on, T.S.,
it's no big deal.

I mean, it's not like
I'm going to sleep with them.

You might as well.

I thought you had
more backbone than this.

Why do you have
to do everything that
he tells you to do'?

There you go again.

Just as you're making headway,
you louse it up with this...

possessive machismo
which brings everything
endearing about you...

to a screaming halt, T.S.

(GRUNTING)

(SIGHS)

(LAUGHING)

(YELLING)

What are you doing out here?
Who are you people?

What are you doing
on my property, huh?
Get out of here!

How do you answer
to your neighbor's charges

that you practice
satanic rituals?

Satanic what?

Daddy, what are you doing
outside in a towel?

You did this, didn't you?

You trashed
my fiscal year...

and now, you and your
crony here egg
these media vultures...

into thinking they can...
(GROANING)

Daddy, T.S. had nothing
to do with--

Mr. Svenning, look.
Whatever happened,
I assure you, I didn't--

You get your ass off
my property now! Go!

And you people,
you get the hell out of here
before I call the cops!

Me, too?
Now!

(SCREECHES)

I don't know what
he's so mad about.

They'll digitally erase
his organ when
they air the footage.

Goddamn it!
What is my problem?

I was this close
to reconciliation
and I blew up at her.

And here I'm going
to the fucking mall,
of all places.

You know what,
as a matter of fact,
I'm not. I'm going home.

Look, the safest place
for you to be right now
is at the mall.

No press'll think
to look for you here.
Hide in plain sight.

Just shut up!

You know what,
this is all your fault
this happened anyway.

You and your
15 minutes of fame.

Get a grip,
for God's sake.

Did you ever stop
to think...

that maybe the relationship
wasn't on firm ground
to begin with?

Hey!

You know, it couldn't
have been that strong
if she breaks up with you...

over something stupid
like getting her shot at,
numbskull.

(CAR ENGINE STARTING)

Hey-

(INHALING DEEPLY)

I love the smell of
commerce in the morning!

You're really
making that last.
(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Waste not, want not.

What, you want
to say something?

Yeah, about
a million things...

but I can't express myself
monosyllabically enough for
you to understand them all.

Asshole!
Prick!

Fuck you!
What the hell was
that all about?

He's a jerk from
Fashionable Male,

this upscale wannabe
shop on the 2nd floor.

He's the manager.
The guy's always
giving me shit.

I've no idea why.

I thought everybody
loved you at this mall.

"F" him! Where do
you want to go first?

Back to Brandi's.

Look, Brandi is the past,
my friend.

She's behind you now.

You face forward,
or you face the possibility
of shock and damage.

(METAL CLINGS)

You should learn
to heed your own advice.

VVhere the hell
did that come from?
What's going on here?

It looks like a stage
is being erected.

What is this monstrosity?

Maybe it's for
the Easter Bunny pictures.

Impossible!
The Easter Bunny Court is down
at the other end of the mall.

It's been up since
two days after Christmas.
I want answers.

Ask one of the workers.

No, there's a soul
who might know what's up.

Willam.

Willam!
Poopie trim.

Brodie, man,
what's going on?

What, do you
work here now?

No, man.
Just hanging with T.S.

T.S., I saw you on TV.
I think it was on Baywatch.

CNN, Willam.

Oh yeah, didn't you
kill the Pope
or something?

I got a musket tangled
in my girlfriend's hair,
for Christ's sake.

Oh.

What are you doing,
Willam?

Looking for
the hidden picture.

If you stare at these
things long enough,
you're supposed to see...

some kind of hidden
three-dimensional picture.

Oh, yeah, look.
It's a sailboat.

You saw it, too?
Dammit!

What?
I've been staring
at this thing...

for a week now
from opening
till closing

and I can't see
a goddamned thing!

You gotta relax
your eyes.

Everyone sees
this thing except me.

Today's my day.
I brought a lunch
and a soda...

and I'm not gonna leave
until I see this sailboat
everyone keeps talking about.

So, Willam...

would you happen
to know what this stage
business is all about?

It's not a stage!

I'm gonna see it if I
have to go blind trying.

No man,
this stage over here.

Oh, that thing?
I think some game show
in the mall today.

I think it's going
to be on TV.

It's called
Truth or Date
or something.

Oh, my God!
That's Brandi's
father's game show.

What is it?
It's this cheesy
Dating Game rip-off thing.

Supposed to be
for college kids.

Just trying to capture
the '90s youth market

with a staple
of '70s television.

Why can't they bring back
or remake good shows...

like BJ and the Bear?

Now there's a concept
I can't get enough of:
a man and his monkey.

Would you guys shut up?

You're breaking
my concentration.
Sorry, VVillam.

Now I have to start
all over again.

Good luck
with that thing.

Remember,
relax your eyes.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Wow, a sailboat!

Shut up!

(SIGHS)

Could this week
get any worse?

Now she's going
to be auctioned off
on live TV from a mall.

Not "a" mall,
all right?

"The" mall.
Show some respect.

It doesn't have
to go down like that,
if we trash the thing.

There's a unique way
of getting back
in her good graces,

by ruining
her father's show.

You're a clever one.
I can get someone
to do it for us.

We'll be blame-free
and Brandi won't be
able to do the show.

Who is this imaginary
hatchet man?

Hatchet men.

Knock it off!

Kitty, kitty, kitty!

Look at these two.
$10 says they're trying
to figure out...

which one they're gonna
bury up to its neck

and run over
with a lawn mower.

Kitty, kitty, kitty!
Hey, Jay!

Brodie, man!
Nootchy nootchies!

And, holy shit,
what do we have here?

Mr. America's
Most Wanted himself.

I had a musket tangled
in my girlfriend's hair.

Ex-girlfriend.
What's he doing?

Oh, shithead here
watched Empire
and Jedi last week...

and ever since,
he's been trying to do
the Jedi mind trick.

Crazy fuck thinks
he'll levitate shit
with his thoughts.

Knock it off!

The Force is strong
with this one.

Dude, don't encourage him.

So I was telling T.S. here
we gotta find
Jay and Silent Bob.

If there's anyone
that can help us out...

it's the two guys
that have even
less to do than us.

What is this shit?
Everyone's looking
for us today.

We're ducking
Tricia 'cause
she wants to talk

to Obi-Wan about
her video set-up.

Why him?
Silent Bob's
an electrical genius.

He won the science fair
in eighth grade by turning
his mom's vibrator...

into a CD player,
using chicken wire
and shit.

Motherfucker's like MacGyver.
No, motherfucker's
better than MacGyver!

Knock it off!

And it's that kind
of smarts we need,
right, mopey?

Leave me out of this.

We need you to embark
on a little sabotage mission

on behalf
of T.S.'s love life.

(VOCALIZING ROCK SONG)

You know about this
game show thing
they've got going on here?

We need you guys
to somehow ensure
that it doesn't happen.

Is that it?
We were gonna
do that anyway.

Really? Why?
What else are
we gonna do?

Silent Bob just stole
the schematic of the stage
from some foolish carpenter...

and found a weakness,
just like the fucking
Death Star.

He figures if you pull
this crossbeam out...

fucking bickety-bam,
the whole stage
comes crashing down.

We were thinking
about something simple...

but if you want
to destroy the stage,
we're all for that.

Only problem is LaFours.

Who's LaF0urs?

You don't know
who LaFours is?

They don't know
who LaFours is!

JAY: He's only the most
feared security guard
in the business, man.

460 collars, all convicted.

I hear he's even
got two kills.

Holy shit! I never thought
I'd see the day...

when two such highly
reputable mischief-makers
as yourselves...

douse their drawers
at the sight
of a mall security guard.

Shit, bitch! We're gonna
bust out that stage
like a high-school kegger.

We're just gonna outwit
LaFours, X-Men style.

Should I call you Logan,
Weapon X?

No, Wolverine!
Snicky, snicky, snoine.

What he's doing is imitating
VVolverine's berserker attack
with his Adamantium claws.

I never would have guessed.

All right, guys.
You have your mission...

go forth and wreak havoc.

(KNOCKING)
Bye, baby kitties.

Damn, Silent Bob,
show some heart.

Pss,pssH.

That's better.
We're on the job.

Thanks.

I have to admit
I'm shocked you didn't
try to dissuade them.

I would if I actually
thought for a second
they could pull it off.

Oh, ye of little faith,
want a cookie?

(BIRD CAWING)

What's he doing?

If you stare at this
poster for a few seconds,
a hidden picture appears.

Can we do it?
Please?

TEACHER: Go ahead, but hurry,
the Easter Bunny's waiting.

Wow, it's a schooner!

(LAUGHING)

You dumb bastard!
It's not a schooner,
it's a sailboat.

A schooner
is a sailboat,
stupidhead.

You know what?

There is no Easter Bunny!

Over there is just
a guy in a suit!

(WOMEN CHATTERING)

But they're engaged.
It doesn't matter,
it can't happen.

Why not?
It's bound to come up.

It's impossible.
Lois could never have
Superman's baby.

Do you think her
fallopian tubes
can handle his sperm?

I guarantee he blows
a load like a shotgun,
right through her back.

What about her womb?

Do you think
it's strong enough
to carry his child?

Sure. Why not?

He's an alien,
for Christ's sake!

His Kryptonian
biological makeup

is enhanced by
Earth's yellow sun.

If Lois gets a tan,
the kid could kick right
through her stomach.

Only someone like Wonder Woman
has a strong enough uterus
to carry his kid.

The only way he could
bang regular chicks is
with a Kryptonite condom.

But that would kill him.

How did I go from the
verge of hot Floridian
sex with Brandi...

to Man of Steel coital
debates with you
in the food court?

Cookie stand is not
part of the food court.

Of course it is.

The food court is downstairs,
the cookie stand is upstairs.

It's not like we're talking
quantum physics here.

The cookie stand
counts as an eatery,

the eatery's a part
of the food court.

Bullshit. Eateries that
operate within the designated
square downstairs...

qualify as food court.

Anything outside of said
designated square...

is considered
an autonomous unit
for mid-mall snacking.

Now if you're gonna
wax intellectual
about the subject...

Holy shit!

Wait here.
Where are you going?

(SIGHS)

Cherchez Ia femme.

He said it was
just a guy in a suit.

Don't listen to that man,
he just said it to be mean.

That would look
terrible on you.

Didn't I dump your ass
this morning?

Look, I know you've had
some time to think about
the mistake you've made...

and I just want to let
you know you don't
have to apologize.

I'm sure you were just
PMSing or something.

Brodie, what kills me
about you is your
inabflfiytofunofionu.

On the same plane
of existence
as the rest of us.

Piss off.

Okay. I see you want
to continue with this characle
of ending our union.

Fine, I'll play along.

But if we're divorced,
we're gonna have to divide
our mutual possessions.

What the hell
are you talking about?

You have my
Punisher War Journal #6...

my copy of Fletch
and the remote control
to my T\/.

I know it's gonna be hard
to give this stuff up

because of its
sentimental attachment.

Sentimental attachment?

If I have any
of that crap...

it's because you brought
it over to my house
and left it there.

Okay, then let's
talk about coming up

with a schedule
for visitation rights.

For what?
For the mall.

I figure you can
have the odd days,

I'll take the even days
and weekends.

When there's any
special function

like a sidewalk sale,
boat show--

Brodie!

I have always taken you
with a grain of salt.

On your birthday,
when you asked me
to do a striptease...

to the theme
from Mighty Mouse,
I said okay.

When we were
at that hotel,
prom night...

and you asked me
to sleep underneath
the bed...

in case your mother
burst in, I did it.

And even when we were
at my grandmother's funeral...

when you told most
of my relatives...

that you could see
her nipples through
her burial dress,

I let it slide.

If you think that
I'm gonna suffer any more
of your shit with a smile...

now that we're broken up,
you're in for some serious
fucking disappointment.

It wasn't Mighty Mouse-
It was
Josie and the Pussycats.

What?

Sorry.

JAY: Phase one:

First, you take a run
at LaFours with
a sock full of quarters.

I'd do it, but I pulled my
back out humping your mom
last night. Nudge.

You clock him on
his headpiece and knock
his ass out cold.

That's when
phase two kicks in.

I attack the structure
Wolvie-berserk style

and knock out
the fucking pin...

and bickety-bam,
the motherfucker's rubble.
Hence, no game show.

(COINS CLANKING)

(EXCLAIMS)

T.S.: What? Do you know
that kid or something?

I hope his pants get caught
and a bloodbath ensues.

T.S.: What is with you today?

Don't get me wrong.
I don't wish the kid harm...

but his mother should suffer
that horrific ordeal...

so she'll learn how
to manage her child.

That's sort of
a harsh lesson,
don't you think?

There's not a year goes by
that I don't read about
an escalator accident...

involving some bastard kid
that could've been
easily avoided...

had some parent,
I don't care which one,

but some parent,
conditioned him...

to fear and respect
that escalator!

Wow! Look who it is.

Jerk!

Little Tricia Jones!

What's a pretty
girl like you...

doing sitting alone
in the middle of this
monument to consumerism?

Updating my calendar
and waiting for Jay
and Silent Bob.

And I suppose you're
here with no agenda,
as per usual.

On the contrary,
I'm here for comics.

T.S. Quint, Tricia Jones.
They call her Trish the Dish.

Nobody calls me that.

Our little Tricia here
is only 15 but, uh,
somehow she's a senior.

How'd you manage that?
(SLURPING)

Don't listen to him.
I studied my ass off.
Yeah, right.

So what do you say?
You wanna nail T.S.
or what?

Jesus, Brodie!

Calm down.

Tricia's compiling data
for this book she's writing...

about the sex drive
of men ages 14 to 30.

If I remember correctly,
it's titled Bore-gasm:

A Study of the '90s
Male's Sexual Prowess.

Ready to get sick?
Tell him about
the advance you got.

Pendant Publishing
gave me $20,000

based on a treatment
and a sample chapter.

You're kidding.
BRODIE: It's true.

She'll be the youngest author
to tackle the subject.

So when are they going
to publish this filthy
little tome of yours?

After my 18th birthday,
to avoid the moral
and legal entanglements.

So Tricia sleeps
with a bunch of guys
as research.

If that's not enough,
get this:

She videotapes
all of them.
What?

I get everybody's consent
before we do it.

Most guys get off on it.

Men are easily amused.

(STUTTERING)
What are you writing
in the calendar?

I was coding
last night's research.

She means sex.
I know what she meant.

What kind of codes?
Here, look.

The smiley face
is for when I go down
on the guy.

The smiley face with lashes
is for when the guy
goes down on me.

The circle is for
when we have sex.

The circle with the "X" in it
is for when I have an orgasm.

The little house is
when we do it inside

and the grass is
for outside.

That kid is back on
the escalator again!

Wow, that's a pretty
elaborate log you got there.

Wow, look at all
those smiley faces
without eyelashes.

That shows you how
courteous men are.

Out of 50 entries,
only two have smiley faces
with lashes.

You slept with 50 guys?

To fill out
my research, yes.

That's more guys
than you've slept with,
dude.

Oh, my God.
That kid is sitting on
the escalator again!

How old was last
night's subject,
if you don't mind me asking?

Twenty-five.

It was the guy who runs
that store Fashionable Male.

Holy shit! You slept
with that asshole? Why?

I needed a 25-year-old.

And he has quite
a distaste for you,
I might add.

Ew, he mentioned me
during sex?

Afterwards.

He says he wants
to kick your ass.

I'd steer clear of him,
if I were you.

Tell me you videotaped
him saying that.
No.

I shut the camera off
after the sex.

You should have
heard the stuff
he wanted to do.

I'm having
a hard time with this.

Do your parents
know about this?

Of course.

That's remarkable.

That's criminal.
That kid...

That kid is back on
the escalator again!

Leave it alone.
What?

So, I heard you were going
to propose to Brandi Svenning
in some theme park.

When are men going to learn
that women want romance?

Not Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

Be fair, all right?

Everyone wants
Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.
We gotta go.

(SIGHS)

Remember my offer.

I'm young, virile,
sensitive to
a woman's needs...

Somehow I doubt it,
Sega-boy.

Good luck with
the comic-book store.

"Sega-boy." God,
Rene's got a big mouth!

What does that mean,
"Good luck with
the comic-book store"?

How does thatjunior
Masters and Johnson
know about my proposal?

It's not like she's
in an exclusive club
or anything.

What are you
talking about?

Sean Hartle's giving
everyone the inside scoop.

What? What's he saying?

How her father made
her do the game show

so you couldn't
take her to Florida.

Now, what the hell
is this shit?

One hour? For what?

What the hell is this?
What's going on here?

What, you live in
a fucking cave?
The man is in there.

How'd Sean find this out?

He was interning
at KREL and he said
he heard Svenning...

barking at Brandi
over the phone about it.

Apparently he had
a feeling you were gonna
pop the question.

Who the fuck is the man?

What, you waited till now
to tell me this?

If you're gonna
bother me about this
for the rest of the day...

I'll go home!
You dragged me here!

You needed this.
Who the fuck is in there?

One side, Red.

What the hell's
going on here?

I was warned about you.

Take it easy before
I have you removed--
Warned?

What the fuck
are you talking about?

Tell him, Steve.

Fuck you, fan-boy!

Would you
testosterone-seething,
He-Man comic book fans...

finish up with
this tough-guy
back-and-forth?

I got some questions
I need answered.

Who's in there?

You got to ask me nicely.

Fuck this.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)
Jesus Christ!

Get the hell off of him.
Come on.

You fuckers think
just 'cause a guy reads comics
he can't start some shit?

I'll fucking
take all of you on!

MAN: Somebody get a medic!

There's a little boy
caught in the escalator!

Come back here
and arrest this goon!

You're fucking next, man.
Jesus, Brodie!

I'm not going anywhere
until I find out why
I can't get my comics.

All right.

Excuse me.
Don't hit me.

Why is there a line?

Stan Lee is signing comics.

Stan Lee?

JAY: Okay, Lunchbox,
let's try this again.

We tie you to the roof,
you jump and sail
like a Spitfire...

passing right over
the arch-nemesis LaFours.

You then swing up
to the stage
and knock out the pin.

And when that's gone,
the stage is trashed
and we go smoke a bowl.

You got it?
Now, get your fat ass
out there!

And, dude,
don't forget your helmet.
Snoogins.

Fly, fat-ass, fly!

What the fuck?

You fucker!

WOMAN 1: Security?
WOMAN 2: Is it alive?

Yeah.
This is Popular Girl.

We just had something
crash through the wall.

Stan Lee!
How does something
as big as the creator...

of the most important titles
in comics history...
coming to my mall get by me?

I must be slipping
in my old age.

The name amongst names.

There's a million questions
I'd love to ask him.

Her father!

I knew this game show thing
was just a beard for
an attempt to break us up.

Why can't he just
leave us alone

and let us follow through
with our plans?

What kind of man
are you, anyway?

I'm talking comics
and you bring up
chicks and romance?

While we're on the subject,
why the hell do you want to
get married now, anyway?

You're still in college.

I was just gonna propose.

The wedding wouldn't be
till after we graduate.

Waste of time,
if you ask me.

My grandmother always said,
"Why buy the cow...

"when you get
the sex for free?"

She did?
All the time.

Of course, she became
a lesbian on
her 60th birthday,

but that's beside
the point.

VVhere the hell
are these two going
in such a hurry?

Is he gone?
Halfway to
Buy Me Toys by now.

JAY: Damn,
that bastard's faster
than \/Valt Flanagan's dog.

BRODIE: What's with
all the running?

What the hell
happened to him?

The human brown-eye here
is a walking calamity.

We'll have to take a pass
on the stage-trashing
business...

otherwise he's liable
to kill himself.

Sorry, bro.
Oh, no hard feelings.

Isn't that Rene?

BRODIE: She's probably
looking for me.

I better go talk to her.

Keep that.

I don't know.
She's with somebody.

She's practically
blowing him.

Wait a minute,
isn't that...

BRODIE: The asshole
from Fashionable Male!

Son of a bitch!

T.S.: My God!
You think that they're...

Could be.
It'll explain why
he hates me so much.

And there's only
one way to find out.

Can you run interference
with the lug?

What are you gonna do?
Get some answers.

Shit!

Oh, you work at
the Fashionable Male,
don't you?

Yeah? so?

That's a great store
you got there.

Uh, thanks. Listen,

I'm trying to spend
my lunch hour with
my lady friend here.

So why don't you beat it?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, that's your girlfriend?
Right there?

(CLICKS TONGUE)

If you don't stop
gawking at me

and get the hell out of here,
I'll kick your ass.

Haven't you ever
heard the phrase,

"The customer's
always right"?
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Let me tell you
a little secret:

The customer's
always an asshole!

Jesus Christ!

What the hell gives
with the cover boy?

None of your damn business.
He'd kick your ass
if he knew about this.

Are you insane?
The guy looks like
a date rapist!

Is that my jacket?
Start the elevator.

Not until you tell me
what the situation is

with you and
the Sperminator out there.

How long has this
been going on?

Since I finally mustered
the good sense
to send you packing.

He's a much more
suitable companion
than you, any day.

Are you nuts?

The guy's pure testosterone!
He's a walking hard-on,
looking for a hole!

I need testosterone
after babysitting you and
your comic book collection.

I forgot what
real men were like.

I can't believe you have
the nerve to come to my mall
and pick up guys!

Oh, no,
Shannon did the picking up.

He's already taken me to lunch
at the Cheese Haus...

purchased tickets
for the opera night
and took me to stores I like!

I took you shopping
all the time!

You took me where you
went shopping, jerk!

Do you think I care
what rat-hole store

in that shit-pit you
call the dirt mall...

has got the latest
Godzilla bootlegs?

You call eating pizza
in the same dive pizzeria
every night eating out?

Do I give a shit when
two major comic labels are
crossing over characters...

and selling two editions
of the book in varied-ink
chromium covers?

I'm a girl, damn it!

I want to do girly things
like fix someone's hair
and get romantic phone calls.

I call you all the time!

"Rene, my mom's asleep.
Come over."
You call that romantic?

When was the last time
you pulled out my chair
or told me I was beautiful?

This guy does all this
in the span of a day!

This guy already introduced
me to his mother.

Really?

He was up and at work
by 9:00 this morning.

Unlike my ex-boyfriend,
who would sleep until 1:00...

'cause he played Sega
and watched videos
all night long!

Which, by the way,
has enormous effect
on your libido.

Oh, now you attack
my libido?

There's no libido to attack.

No libido to attack?

You're sure you saw
her get on, right?

Maybe she was
getting off.

(GRUNTS)
0w!

Sorry.
It's all right.

You know something?
You look familiar to me.

Couldn't be.
I'm never at
the mall much.

No, it's not
from the mall.

I know. You're the guy
from the news that kidnapped
the President's daughter...

and threw her
off the roof.

I got a musket tangled
in my girlfriend's hair,
for Christ's sake.

(MIMICKING DISCO BEATS)

There, that was
romantic, right?

Passionate, yeah.

No, Brodie.
That was too little,
too late.

Too little?

You said it was
a good size.

The effort, you retard.
The effort was too little,
too late.

But now that you mention it,
when a girl says
it's a good size...

it's a nice way of
saying that it's small.

Hey!

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

I'm gonna kill
that son of a bitch.

No, forget about him.

He just wanted to give me
something that he forgot
to give me a long time ago.

He's harmless now. Okay?

Fine. I gotta get back
to the store. Let's go.

(BOTH PANTING)

Right there in
the elevator?

I don't know
what came over me.

She challenged my libido.

I felt obligated
to defend myself
against her accusations.

Oh, it's not like you
still wanted her.

Not in the least.
I'm over her.

Holy shit!

You really love that girl.
Yeah, right.

No, I never noticed it before,
but she really
fuels your engine.

You have this
new glow about you.
I don't have a glow.

You do.
You're glowing.

If I have a glow
it's because just I got laid.

I'd look the same if I banged
anyone in that elevator,

present company excluded.

Deny it all you want.
I think you're too proud
to admit you want her back.

Deny it all you want.
I think you're too proud
to admit you want her back.

I suddenly want something
very bad to happen to you.

What is your problem?
I don't understand.
(GROANS)

Oh, Gwen! I'm sorry.
You fucker!

(GROANING)

See! That's what you get
for fucking with me.

Hey, Gwen, he didn't
really mean to hit you.

He's got a funny way
of showing it,

by elbowing me in
my frigging tit!

Why the hell
are you glowing?

I'm not glowing.

Brandi dumped him.
(T.S. GROANING)

Would you stop saying that?

I know. I heard.

You heard? How?

She told me.
I ran into her
a few minutes ago.

Really? Where?
By the stage.

(GROANING)

Do you want me
to rub it?

Work with me, people,
would you please?

No, I don't want this here.

I want it toward the front.

The rug keeps popping UP-

If I put the podium there,
it'll stay down.

Move it!

(GRUNTING)

Mr. Svenning!
Give me the podium!

You put the podium
down over here...

Like this.

You stamp the carpet
down with your feet.
You speak English?

Like this.

(GRUNTS)

Mr. Svenning!
Let me help you up.

Get off! Move!
Here, let me help you.

(GRUNTS)

All right,
where's Brandi?
Let go of me!

Where's Brandi?

(SIGHS)

You're fired.
You get the hell
out of here.

Get off my set!

Where is she?

You are out of her life.

Now, you stay out of
her business and mine,
understand me?

Come on, people.
Are we working here?

Get the backdrop ready.
Are those lights ready to go?

MAN: Okay, Mr. Svenning.

Go on the other side
and put the podium

over the bad spot
in the carpet, okay?

The hole?
Please. Go. Now.
Uh-huh.

So, you made
her dump me...

and now you're going
to auction her off

in an effort to better
further your own career?

Not that it's any
of your concern,

but Brandi agreed to be
on Truth or Date.

After that shit you
pulled last night,

I think she's even
looking forward to it.

It'll give her a chance
to find herself a decent guy.
(SIGHING)

Somebody with a brain.

You admit it?
You are behind our break-up.

Admit it?

Hell, I'm as proud
of it as I am of this
game show here.

(SIGHS)

Listen to me.
It's over between you two.

The sooner you get that,
the better off
we're all gonna be.

Understand me?
You don't.

(SIGHS) Guard, come here.
Get this guy off of my set.

If he gives you any shit,
you have my permission
to castrate him.

T.S.: You can't do this!

I just did.

Get me LaFours.
Right away, sir.

Well, go on!

(MAN CHATTERING)

I wonder if my mother
ever wore a pair like this.

How about these?

Very sexy.
That sounded convincing.

I'm preoccupied.

T.S., she told you.
She's just doing it as
a favor to her father.

Regardless.

It's not like
she'll fuck the guy
on public access.

She might as well.
You're overreacting again.

That's why your
relationships fail.

It's certainly
why ours did.

You got bent out of shape
the same way over that
costume party in high school.

You fucked Rick Derris
on a pool table!

With everyone watching,
noless.

It was a costume party, T.S.

No one could tell
it was me.

Besides, who else
but you remembers
shit like that?

I would've been
a sexy chick.

Do you remember
that costume party?

Might that have been
the one where you banged
Rick Derris on the pool table?

Nobody remembers
shit like that?

How is it that you recall
the most trivial events?

I'll never forget it.
How many chances

do you get to see
Smokey fuck the Bandit?

Didn't I look just
like Burt Reynolds?

BOTH: Except for
the moustache.

You know, they have
a whole room you're
supposed to do that in?

Some pervert wanted
to see me naked
so badly today...

he busted in on me twice
while I was trying on stuff.

Oh.
This saves him
the effort.

Ooh.

How much longer
are we gonna be
in this chick store, anyway?

I'm starting to get
a mean hard-on.

Brodie, Tell me about
the Rene break-up.

I threw her away
like a parking ticket.
Ha!

Don't front, Brodie.
I talked to Rene's
cousin this morning.

It was vice-versa.

They certainly aren't
acting broken up.

Go ahead.
Ask him about the elevator.

Tell me about the elevator.

It goes up and down.

(MIMICS RIM SHOT)

Rene seems
so coarse, anyway.

What was it like
to date her?

Ever slept with somebody?

Uh,yeah.

I mean, really slept
with somebody.

Beside them,
not just fuck them
on a gaming table.

We slept together one time,
remember, in high school?

That ski trip?
That was you?

Yes, Brodie, I've slept
beside many people.

All right.

You know how
when someone lays
with their back to you...

and you lay behind
them really close

and you throw
one arm over them?

It's called spooning.

But you gotta put
the other arm somewhere.

You can either lay on it
or just shove it in
between your bodies.

The only other option
is to stretch it
above your head.

But sometimes my arm
pops out of the socket when
I'm sleeping like that.

So, I was constantly
searching for someplace
to keep my arm...

while still laying
close to her.

And?

What do you mean, "And"?
That's like a metaphor for
our whole relationship.

Jackass.

I'm all out. I'll meet you
at the food court.
(SNIFFLING)

(SOBBING) I know exactly
how he feels. Excuse me.

Fill this with Coke, no ice.

Want a sip of my soda?

(GROANS)

Smartass ex-boyfriend.

You know who I am?

A deeply resentful
retail manager?

(GRUNTS)

Rene's with me now.
Okay? You got that?

So don't be sniffing
around her anymore
like you tried to do today.

(GROANS)
Shit!

There goes the lung.

(PANTING)
Listen to me.

I got two things to tell you.

One: I don't like you.

I see you every week
in this mall.

IdonWHke
shiftless layabouts.

You're one of these
fucking loser mallrat kids.

You don't come here
to work or shop,
you hang out all day.

Act like you
fucking live here.

I have no respect
for people with
no shopping agenda.

Is this what's known as
motivated salesmanship?

(GROANS)

Rene told me to
leave you alone,
but she's fucking clueless.

The newly single often
feel strangely protective
of the ex-boyfriend.

If this is her idea
of protective,

hate to have her
mad at me.

(GRUNTING)

(PANTING)

Now, you see, Bruce...

I like to pick up girls
on the rebound from
a disappointing relationship.

They're more vulnerable,
they're in much more
need of solace...

and they're fairly
open to suggestion.

And I use that suggestion
to fuck them someplace
very uncomfortable.

What, like the back
of a Volkswagen?

No, like somewhere
girls dread.

Oh!

(GRUNTS)

All right. NOW, uh...

is it because
it's a challenge?

Is it because it's taboo?

Or is it because
I like to, you know...

have them differently
than they've ever
been had before?

This sounds like a discussion
much more suited...

to an extended professional
counseling session.

I'll go get
a therapist for you.

(GROANS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Now, evidently,
the only one that's gonna
need a doctor here...

is yourself, my friend.

And my suggestion
to you is...

forget you ever dated Rene.

Until I get what
I'm looking for from
this latest dalliance...

I better not find you
within 10 city blocks
of her...

otherwise I will be forced
to do you some
very serious damage.

All right? Hmm?
We clear on that?

Rene who?

There you go.
Not bad, you're learning.

Well, all right, Bryce.

Bruce.

(GRUNTING)

I'm glad we had
this little chat.

I'll remember it
when I'm fucking
your girlfriend.

Oh, and, uh,
my store's having
a sale next weekend.

You should come by.
I'll cut you a nice deal
on a suit.

Did we ever get along?

Once or twice.

How come we went
out as long as we did?

You had cable.

So, are you gonna
stay for the show?

Absolutely not.
As soon as he gets
back here, I'm gone.

T.S. Quint.
Where's your sense
of chivalry?

Oh, my God!
Is that Brodie?

You're fucking kidding?
The Easter Bunny did this?

All I said was
the Easter Bunny

at the Menlo Park mall
was more convincing.

He justjumped the railing
and knocked me down.

He's fucking dead!

Oh, let it go.
He's under a lot of pressure.

What the hell
happened to him?

The guy in
the Easter Bunny suit
kicked his ass.

Fuck all that shit.
Come on, Silent Bob.

What really happened?

The proprietor of
Fashionable Male

beat a rain check
into my stomach.

Shannon Hamilton?
You know that guy?

I went out with him
after we dated.

He tried to screw me
somewhere very
uncomfortable once.

What, like the back
of a Volkswagen?

Sounds like his M.O.

Can you get up?
Am I still glowing?

You're barely breathing.
Was Rene involved
in any of this?

This was an independent
act of aggression.

He told me that
his intentions were

to penetrate
my ex-girlfriend...

in the most notorious
of body cavities.
Sounds just like him.

Oh, you better tell Rene.
Let him do whatever
the hell he wants.

If she's not smart
enough to see him
for what he is,

she deserves
the discomfort.

I, on the other hand,
have had just about

all the discomfort
I can stand for a day.

Oh, shit, I'm late.
I gotta go.

You're just gonna leave
with him in this condition?

I gotta split.
You gonna be okay?

Couple of pins in the hip,
I'll be good as new.

That's my boy.
Bye, guys. Be good.

Women, always leaving you
when you've just had
the crap kicked out of you.

You look like
you're gonna live to me.

You stay here.
I gotta hit the bathroom.

Please, don't say "hit!"

(MUSIC PLAYING)

EASTER BUNNY:
All right, honey.

Don't forget to look
for your Easter eggs
on Sunday.

Bye-bye, Easter Bunny.

EASTER BUNNY:
All right, who's next?
It's hot in this goddamn suit!

Hey, guys. Wait in line
like everybody else.

What the hell is this?

This is for Brodie.

(EASTER BUNNY GRUNTING)

(KIDS GASPING)

(KIDS SCREAMING)

He's here.

What?
Him and Brodie.

Oh.
Don't sweat it, though.
He's leaving.

He seems really broken up
over this whole thing.

BRANDI: Maybe because
we're broken up
for good this time.

I remember when
I dumped T.S.

I was all right with it till
he started dating you.

A little jealousy residue?

I thought so at first.

Then I realized it
was more than that.

When I saw how
he was with you,

how well you two
complemented each other...

it finally hit me that
T.S. is a great catch.

Gwen, you were always
cheating on him.

Capricious youth?

Doesn't mean
I wasn't regretful about it.

Jesus, Gwen.
The last thing
I need at this point...

is a lecture on my love life.

All I'm saying is that
the really good guys are
few and far between.

In fact, I haven't
met one since T.S.

Even if I did meet one,
I guarantee I'd use him as
the basis for my comparison.

You can have him
if you want him.

Believe me,
I might consider trying...

if he weren't
so hung up on you.

Well, I gotta get home.

Have a great show.
Okay. Bye.

Chocolate-covered pretzel?

This is Roddy,
Mr. Svenning's assistant.

Mr. Svenning would like
to have a word with you.

Where? Ah,
these are melting.

Copy that.
By the stage.

Tell him I'll be
there in a minute.

What do you think?
I don't trust it.

Maybe he's calmed
down a little bit.
We'll talk reasonably.

Reasonably, shmeasonably.
You should go over there
and give him shit.

You kidding?
I'm trying to marry
his daughter.

All right, so you can't
scream at him,
but after all he's done...

you should still
kind of stick it to him.

How do you propose
I do that?

You stink-palm him.
Stink-palm?

Take your hand
and you stick it
in your ass like this.

You've been walking all day
and you're also nervous

and no doubt you're
sweaty as hell.

You should see
yourself right now.

A man with his hand
in his pants.

I probably look like
my old man. (GRUNTS)

Now you shake hands
with the guy.

"Hey, Mr. Svenning.
How've you been?"

What's the point?

Know how long it takes
for that smell to come off?

Scrub all you like,
it'll stick around
for at least two days.

How does he explain it
to his colleagues
and family?

They'll think he doesn't know
how to wipe his ass properly.

Meanwhile, you yourself
are left with a hand
that smells like shit?

Small price to pay
for the smiting
of one's enemies.

I think I'll pass.
Do me a favor.

Stay here while
I go talk to him.

I assure you, tonight's
program will go off
without a hitch.

I hope so, Jared,
for your sake.

You picked a dangerous mall
to host a game show in.

I hear the Easter Bunny
was accosted this morning.

If there's anything
even remotely resembling

the trouble you had at
the Governor's Ball...

you're gonna be hosting
the Lotto drawing

on public access
the rest of your career.
(LAUGHING)

Gentlemen,
please trust me.

I have just taken
the necessary precautions...

to insure everything
will go smoothly.

Hmm?

(FEEDBACK SQUEALS)
(EXCLAIMING)

(STUTTERING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Nothing to worry about.
Sound test!

I tell you what.
Why don't...

Why don't I meet
you back here
around show time?

(LAUGHING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Somebody said you
wanted to see me?

(STAMMERING)
Yes, I did.

You know what?
I'm feeling a little
less frazzled...

and I thought maybe
we might chat.

Chat?
Mmm-hmm. Yes, chat.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

All right, look.

I realize that the other night
didn't go very well for you.

And I realize
I'm to bear most of
the blame for that.

Yes, you do.

But hey, it was a grant
that would have enabled...

the station and myself
to make the leap

into syndication-viable
programming...

leaving me, of course,
with no choice...

but to peddle this show
to the network execs
and beg for a job.

No big deal. It's okay.

(CHUCKLING)
And for that I'm sorry.

But to penalize Brandi and I,
our relationship, for that...

Come on, isn't there
some other way?

I'm afraid not.

I mean, I can't exactly
ask Brandi to marry me if...

Marry you?

(STAMMERING)

Yeah, I was gonna
ask her to marry me
when we got to Florida.

(LAUGHING)

Oh...

You know, uh...

Uh...

I've always felt bad
about the fact that I had
to raise Brandi on my own.

Her mother, she left us
when Brandi was only 3.

Well, her mother was
a little immature.

She was only 15 at
the time she had her.

(CHUCKLING)
Of course I was only 14.
But that's another story.

Anyway, ever since she left
it was just the two of us.

But I've prided myself
on the fact...

that I've instilled in her
some strong values.

And while I know
she's generally
a good girl...

I also know that,
being young once myself...

it's hard to sometimes
ignore certain, uh...

urges.

Tingles. Hmm?

I'm not sure
I follow you, sir.

Quint...

I accept the fact
that you no doubt
fucked my daughter.

The two of you...

have been dating long enough
for you to have slimed
your way into her panties...

and I'm sure you did
just that at least
once or twice...

in my own house,
probably while
I was at home.

The idea of that
used to keep me
awake at nights.

But now you give rne
something even worse
to think about.

The notion of you...

as an albatross around
my daughter's neck
for the rest of her life...

(CHUCKLES)

is too much.

Brandi has
a bright future.

She is an
extremely intelligent
and capable girl.

And I'm sure that one day
she'll be even more
successful than me.

Maybe.

But you...

You, on the other hand,
have absolutely no ambition.

Hmm?

And no chance of making it
in the real world.

My daughter is
too good for you.

You will never,
ever be with her.

Hmm?

(GASPS)

If there isn't
anything else...

Hey, fellas!

Well, well, well,
if it isn't my neighbor.

You been watching
my family conduct

any more of our
satanic rituals lately?

Please, sir,
accept my apology
for my juvenile behavior.

Damn!
Would you feel that
iron-grip handshake!

Uh...

You know, with
an imagination
like yours...

you belong on TV.

Oh, that's your forte, sir.
And you do it so well.

So, what's going on here?

T.S. and I were just
discussing a few
of his lesser points.

Of which he does have many.
Mmm.

Hey! Look at that ring.
What is that?

That is myjunior-college
class ring.

Cum laude, '69.

I also hope to
come loud one day,
preferably in a 69.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Boy, look at
the shine on that.

Mmm.
Do you polish it daily?

You know, Bruce,
once you eventually
get a job...

and start working
for a living...

you're gonna realize
that there's not enough
time in the day...

forsuchluxufles
as ring polishing.

Isthatso?

Say, would you like
a chocolate-covered pretzel?

They're a little melty,
but, damn,
are they exquisite.

If I remember correctly,
you're a big pretzel fan.
(LAUGHS)

Um...

Dark chocolate?
Yeah!

Oh, come on!
No, please, no!

They're awesome.
Here you go.

Thank you.

Mmm.
Oh.

(SMACKING LIPS)

That's good.
Very nice.

(LAUGHING)

Being a man who,
uh,beHevesin“.

"One good turn
deserves another"...

Mmm.

I have something...

to offer...

the both of you.

Really, what's that?
(LAUGHING)

What is this?
These are
called handcuffs.

This is what is known
as a precautionary measure.

Easy,boy,easy.

I couldn't risk
having you screw up
my career...

or make another
play for Brandi.

Once I realized you
two were in the mall

I decided to set up
this little ambush...

to remove...

you and your sidekick
here from the premises,
permanently.

Why am I his sidekick?
How do you know
he's not my sidekick?

Well, that's something
you're gonna have to
figure out for yourself...

injail.

Take them away!

(LAUGHING)

Yes! Whoo!

Oh, joyous.

(LAUGHING)

So good.

Mmm.

(SNIFFING)

T.S.: You're nothing but
a lot of talk and a badge.

Rene! Get Jay
and Silent Bob! Please!

BRODIE: Hurry!

Did somebody call your name?

Um, I have to go
to the bathroom.
Wait here, okay?

Hey, anything for you, babe.
It's your day.

Thanks.

I'll tell you, what you need
is a fatty-boombatty blunt.

Then I guarantee
you see a sailboat...

an ocean, and maybe
even some of them

big-titted mermaids
doing lesbian shit.

Look at me, look at me,
you sloppy bitch!

(PANTING)

Dude, you're a mad
chick magnet!

T.S., Brodie,
security guards.

Under arrest,
they need help! Go!

Wow. A sailboat.

(SIGHS)

Brenda?
Dick!

This is illegal!
You can't arrest us
for nothing!

Oh, all right.

I believe when Mr. LaFours
turns us over to the police...

the bag of contraband
that he's "found"
on our persons...

will give them more
than enough reason
to keep us locked up.

At least for the duration
of this evening's show.

Isn't that right,
Mr. LaFours?
(METAL CLANGS)

Come, son of Jor-El!
Kneel before Zod!

Snootchy bootchies!
Ha ha!

Asshole.

(BOTH GROANING)

Vulcan nerve pinch?
That was close.

What about that
stink-palm back there?
He even licked his hand.

We gotta disappear, man.
They'll be looking for us.

Oh, thank you, man.
We owe you one.
You want to hide?

I know just the place.
Whatever. Let's just go.

Don't I even get to
wash my hand first?
Brodie!

What the shit
are we gonna do?

(ELECTRONIC BUZZING)

(SCREAMING)

Come on, we're fucked!
They're right behind us.
Come on!

Yeah! Bad-ass! Yeah!

Where do you get
those wonderful toys?

T.S.: This is where
we're hiding out?

BRODIE: This is
the dirt mall!

Cops never come in here.

Neither does any
self-respecting
consumer.

I never could figure out
what you saw in this place.

Good buys. Great people.
Earthy aromas.

Hey, Walt!
WALT: Brodie!

They know me here.

I wouldn't be
too proud of that.

Listen to the sound
of defeat in your voice.

Might it have to
do with the fact that
I've been defeated?

You? We g""“9 up?

You used to be
a stand-up kind of guy.
Vvhathappenedtothatguy?

The guy who punched
Amanda Gross' mother after
she called him “low-class."

That wasn't me,
that was you.

Oh, yeah.

It wasn't her mother,
it was her grandmother.

No wonder the bitch
went down so fast.

You should have
boards in them.
All right?

Bloody savage.

That is one of your more
admirably deplorable traits.

You, unlike me,
would beat up
somebody's grandmother...

or an entire senior citizens'
community if you believed
in the principle.

But only if they
were really old.

Maybe I was deluded.

Maybe you were right
this morning...

when you said if
something stupid could
change how she feels...

she's not into it
in the first place.

You'd listen to me?
To something I said?

Jesus! Haven't I made
it clear during the tenure
of our friendship...

that I don't know shit?

I mean, half the time
I'm just talking out
of my ass.

Or sticking my hand in it.

Sometimes,
but on occasion

you've been known
to let a nugget
of truth slip out.

This morning might
have been one
of those occasions.

You know what you need?

Some sage-like advice.

You've given me enough
for one day, thanks.

Not from me,
from lvannah.

Who's lvannah?

I can't even
find the words.

Is that ingenuity or what?

What's palm-reading
have to do
with being topless?

It makes the news
easier to take.

She could tell me
I'll die in 10 minutes,

so long as she
told me topless.

Your maleness
amazes me sometimes.

What can I say?
I love tits.

What kind of people
patronize this service?

People like us.

Wait a minute,
you're not suggesting--

Don't be such
a damn fundamentalist.

I've already
reached my lowest.

This is where
I draw the line.

You used to like tits, too.

I love tits as
much as the next guy,

but why pay some
old hag good money...

for supernatural
chicanery coupled

with sagging, wrinkled,
weathered boobs?

You know, Quint...

you're a homosexual.

BRODIE: Man, this place is
something out of Octopussy.

(VVITH VAGUE EUROPEAN ACCENT)
You've come for a glimpse
at your future?

Amongst other things.

Talents like those
I possess are not
to be taken lightly.

If you have heart condition,
suffer from nervous nausea...

or have a family history
of stress-induced breakdown...

Empire Entertainment
recommends you
do not partake...

in the fortune-telling
activities contained within.

You guys still in?

We're both healthy
and strapping young men.

You give me $58.60.

What?

You expect me
to pay for this?

I'm broke.
I'll pay you back.

I knew it.
I can't believe you.

I didn't even
want to do this.

You'll thank me later.

Thank you.

Mmm.

(SIGHS)

All right, gentlemen,
free your mind.

I'd like to free something.

Focus.
That's what
I was thinking.

She said "focus."
Whatever.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

(MOANING)

I sense a grave disturbance
between you both.

A difficulty in affecting
a resolution...

for a problem.

Something hard.

I'm convinced.
She's got the gift.

Try to contain yourself.

Miss,
I appreciate the effort

and I'm sure
you're very good at...

whatever it is you do...

but my shallow friend
isn't interested
in his future,

so you can cut
the theatrics.

(NORMAL VOICE) What a relief.
I do so much better

when I don't have to
say things in character.

You don't have
to say anything at all.

You paid,
I should tell you something.

In order to do that...
Mmm...

I have to work completely...

unfettered.

(IVAN NAH MOANING)

Oh, yes.

Oh, I can definitely
sense the problem. Here.

Girl trouble.

Apparently,
you're both on the outs

with your respective steadies.

That's amazing.

That's disgusting!

Oh, you both feel
the pain... Ow!

Of loss.

But only one of
you makes it vocal.

The other one
suffers silently.

My God, you're right.

We gotta go.

How can this be resolved?

I would say, yes...

combine your efforts.

You both have
very strong auras...

and two strong auras
produce positive results.

I feel nauseous.

So, in working together--

You'll beat the odds.

The odds. Yes.

Mmm, that's what I see.

Let me tell
you what I see...
That's great!

I don't buy her power.

All right,
when's my birthday?

Between the first
and the last...

of October.

Did you hear that?

Very haunting. Let's go.

Why are you stuck here
in this dirt mall

and not in an upscale
commercial setting?

You could be raking
in the dough with
your kind of accuracy.

Believe it or not,
some people still frown
on topless fortune-telling.

Unfortunately,
it's the only way
that I'm effective.

Really?
It's the third nipple
thatdoesit

Oh, you have
a third nipple?

What are you
talking about?

It's clear as day!
Look at it, for God's sake.

You can stare at it.
I don't mind.

No.

Understanding is reached...

only after confrontation.

Of course!

Thank you so much.
I can't tell you how
informative you've been.

Thank you very much.

And don't ever
lose that nipple.

I won't.

Do you have...

Any other extra
body parts?

No.
Just curious.

You could
double-check me,
if you like.

Really?
T.S.: Come on!

Works every time.

Mmm. Cherry.

You're gonna what?

Hlgeton
her dad's show.

Are you kidding?

Last time he had
dope planted on us.
What will he do this time?

He can't touch
us once it starts.
It's a live feed.

He can't risk losing
face in front of the
network execs.

It can't happen.
I'll make it happen.

"Understanding is reached
only after confrontation."

That's what lvannah said.
Brandi will respond
to confrontation.

Hey, man.
Didn't I see you on CNN?

What the hell's
your problem, anyway?

You're supposed to
be the impetuous one,
not me.

Why are you fighting me?

I'm being rational!

You're scared you may
want to follow my lead
and win Rene back!

Rene who?
Whatever.
Just do me a favor.

Meet me by the stage
once the show starts.

I'll need your help.
Where are you going?

Shopping-

What the hell am
I supposed to do?

(GRUNTS)
Hey, man!
It wasn't me!

Dude, this looks
like your mom.

I've been looking
all over for you two.

We're hiding.

In a bookstore?

Last place anyone'd
look for me and
this tubby bitch.

I need your help.
What?

You two up for
getting stoned?

(SCOFFS) Look
who you're asking.

You looking at
that couple inside?

Actually, I was just
looking at this little
pink number over here.

That's kind of nice.
They look happy,
don't they?

What, the bras?

No, the couple.
They look happy.

I guess,asfar
as couples go.

You know, it reminds
me of an issue of
Spider-Man I did.

When Peter Parker
and Gwen Stacy went
lingerie shopping.

Of course,
the Green Goblin
showed up...

and he pumpkin-bombed
the hell out of the place.

But aside from that,
it's pretty much
the same thing.

Oh, my God!

Holy shit!

Aren't you...
Oh, Stan Lee. Hi.

What's up, boys?
You guys on this show?

That's the rumor.

Man, between hoping to win,
the crowd out there...

and being on TV,
I'd be scared as hell
if I were you two.

Yeah?

Sure, man.
What if you fuck up?

Your friends and
family watching.

I'd be piss scared
I'd get a boner or
fucking fart or something.

He's got a point, man.
This is live.
Anything could happen.

Shut the fuck up, man.
You're making me nervous.

There's only
one thing that could
take off that edge.

Make you feel
relaxed as hell.

Make you forget
how many people

are staring at
you here and on TV.

And what's that?

Snootchy-bootchy
nootchies!

The Fantastic Four.
Reed Richards. Can his
whole body stretch?

I mean every part,
you know, like his--

(CHUCKLES)
I know what you mean.

We never really
tackled stuff like that
in the old days.

What with the
comic-book code and all.

I can't believe
I'm standing here
talking to you!

You're responsible
for the greats.

Let's do the list.
Spider-Man?

Guilty.
The Incredible Hulk?

Afraid so.
This is so cool.

The X-Men?
Now that you mention it.

Shit, man.
You are a god!

Hey, look at that couple.

Boy, they sure seem
to be in love, huh?

What's with that?
That's the second time

you've commented
on couples in love.

Well, I like
that sort of thing.

Tell me, do you have
a girlfriend, Brodie?

Had one.
We just broke up.

The Thing? ls his
dork made of orange rock
like the rest of his body?

It's a superhero secret.

Tell me, Brodie.
Why did you and your
girlfriend break up?

She was a pain in the ass.

She wanted me to be
this typical boyfriend guy.

She said I was too
into my own world
of comics and all.

I can relate.

There was a time
when it was all
about comics for me.

I had a girl, probably
the same as yours.

She always complained
that I spent

too much time
with my own comics.

And eventually we broke up.

See, what did she know?

Here you are now,
a legend in the field.

You had a slew of
women since her, right?

Oh. Lots of women.

Jagger and me,
we had a running contest
to see who had the most.

Matter of fact,
last time I looked,
I was way ahead.

Damn, that's hot!

But I never
forgot that girl.

Did you ever get
back together with her?

One day I found out
she got married.

I had blown it.
I had missed my window.

No way.

What'd you do?

I went on with my life.

I created some special
new superheroes.

They were characters
that reflected

my own heartbreak
and my own regrets.

How so?

Doctor Doom
wears body armor

to conceal his
own mangled form.

Right?
Yeah.

That was me
beneath the armor.

The Hulk.

A normal guy one minute,
a rage of emotions the next.

Just like me
when I thought about
what I'd given up.

So you created
each character

as a way to deal with
your one big regret.

Yeah, the girl
that got away.

Look, do yourself
a favor, Brodie.

Don't wait.

Because all the money,
all the women...

even all the comic
books in the world,

they can't substitute
for that one person.

I don't know.
All the comics
in the world?

Trust me, true believer.

Well, good
talking to you.

Keep up all
the good work.

You keep reading 'em,
I'll keep writing 'em.

Hey, Stan!
Yeah?

She really meant
that much to you?

Brodie, I'd give it
all up, all of it...

forjust one more
day with her.

Take care.

Stan!
Hi!

I think he bought it.

What kind of story
did you give him?

Oh, it was the Vulture's
soliloquy, you know,

from the Spider-Man
anniversary issue.

"Love Be a
Vulture Tonight."
Yeah.

I can't thank you
enough, Mr. Lee.
Oh, forget it.

You know, I think
you ought to get
him some help.

He seems to be really
hung up on superheroes'
sex organs.

But he'll outgrow it.

Oh, Mr. Lee?
Yeah.

Excelsior!
Oh, you got that right.

See you.

Cool.

I think I felt it move.

Just kidding.

Just the two
I'm looking for.
I need help.

With what?

Let me borrow the
Shannon Hamilton tape.
Why?

It's important!
The future of my
relationship

depends on it.

It's at my house.
Take T.S.'s station
wagon, parked in 2D.

I don't even
have a license.
Justgo!

You still got
that stage schematic?

I need you to
wire something
together for me.

(GROANING)

Oh, Jesus.
What's with him?

Oh, I don't know.
I'm suddenly not
feeling too well.

But everything is fine.

We're about to start.

Oh, you are in for
something really special
tonight, gentlemen.

I have lined up...

(WHIMPERS)

Excuse me.

(VOMITING)
Jesus.

Sorry.

I have lined up some
really bright kids here.

This promises to
be a lot of fun.

I'm sure you're
gonnaloveit

Shouldn't you
be in bed
or something?

No. I wouldn't miss
this for the world.

Make sure everybody's
ready and let's start.

(SOFT GROANS)

How much did you smoke?

All it took was
a fat chronic blunt.
These guys were lightweights.

How much do
I owe you?
My treat.

As long as you promise,
next time you pop
your old lady...

you make her
call you "Jay.“
Snootchy bootchies.

Let's hope there
is a next time.

All right, I'm ready.

You're never gonna
believe who I just met.

What the hell
happenedto
these two'?

Power of the Dark Side.

Wait, there's only two.

There's supposed
to be three.
Where's the third guy?

I never saw a third guy.

BRODIE:
Who's this asshole?

What the hell
happenedto
those guys?

They got lightheaded.
You got that right.

They gonna cancel
the show?

What do you care?

I'm supposed
to be on it.
I'm Gil Hicks.

Suitor Number Three.

We're taking their place.
I'm T.S. Quint.
This is Brodie Bruce.

Didn't I see you
on the news?

Dude. Don't give him
any shit, all right?

Something's going on here.
Where's Mr. Svenning?

Mr. Svenning has come
down with a sudden
case of diphtheria.

What happened
to those two?

They got sick.
We volunteer to
take their place.

Isn't this guy
from Monmouth State?

He and that
broad tried to
kill the Governor.

Yes, it is.
All right, Quint.

I don't know how
you got back in,

but I'm alerting
Mr. Svenning.

We'll postpone
the start until we
figure this all out.

You called down
thethunden

now you've got it!
Security!

Hey, Roddy!
What?

Jesus Christ,
you knocked him out.

NOW hit him!

Somebody call security?
What happened to those two?

They got stoned
and knocked him out.
He needs medical attention.

That's not what
happened. Ow!

Could you have him
removed? The show's
about to start.

Whatever.

Look,dude.
No more shit,
all right?

Just go out and woo
like you're supposed to
and nobody gets hurt.

When Tricia shows up
with the videotape,

you get it to
Silent Bob, understand?

I'm on it. Wait a sec,
where is that tubby bitch?

Good evening and welcome
to Truth or Date.

One match made here
ignites the fires of romance.

Hi, I'm Bob Summers,
your host...

and tonight we'll watch
as one of our
three lucky suitors...

woos our beautiful,
eligible suitor-ette.

Ladies and gentlemen,
get ready for
romance in the making...

as we introduce the suitors!

(APPLAUDING)

(RETCHING)

Our first suitor goes
to Marymount College

where he majors
in Economics.

Say hi to Doug Paging.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUD)

Do it, Doug!

Our second suitor
hails from Canisius
College in Buffalo...

where he majors
in Communications.

Say hi to Rob Feature.

Our final suitor
goes to Rutgers...

where he majors
in Fine Arts and
Greek mythology.

A nice welcome
for Gil Hicks.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUD)

Pay attention, dick.

May the best man win.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to introduce
our lovely suitor-ette.

From Monmouth State,
where she majors

in Astronomy and
Earth Sciences...

a big welcome
for the lovely
Brandi Svenning.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUD)

AH right, everybody knows
how the game is played.

Our lovely
suitor-ette will ask

a series of questions
of our suitors...

and make her decision
based on their answers.

'myfhing goes!

Brandi, are you ready?

Absolutely, Bob.

Then you may fire when ready.

Okay-

Um. (CLEARS THROAT)

Suitor Number One.

If you were a car,
what kind of car
would you be?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Um, the kind you'd
never dump your
boyfriend in.

Okay-

Suitor Number Two.

Can't you call me
the Second Suitor?

"Suitor Number Two"
sounds like a bathroom
code, you know?

Now, the Second Suitor...

sounds like
a figure of mystery.

Like I belong on
the grassy knoll.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Okay-

Second Suitor.

If we were making whoopee--

What's whoopee?

Um.

If we were...

If we were being intimate...

What, like fucking?

(ALL GASPING)

(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Yeah.

If we were, you know,
what kind of noises
would you make?

(GRUNTS)

(BARKS)

No, I think that's
kind of personal.

I don't think I
should answer that.

Uh, Suitor Number Three.

What would our
first date be like?

First I'd take you
shopping to the stores
you'd want to shop in.

And then we'd do
a little lunch,

probably at the
Cheese Haus...

followed by some golfing.

Then at night,
we 'd take in an opera,
probably Die Fledermaus.

Then I'd follow it
all up with a drive
to a secluded beach...

where I'd pop
on the radio...

and then we could
slow dance till
the sun came up.

That was the biggest
load of crap
I've ever heard!

I mean, look at you,
you're the kind of guy
that would beg for sex.

I should know,
we can smell our own.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Suitor Number One.

If we fell in love,
how would you propose to me?

When Jaws popped
out of the water.

Excuse me?

I'll propose to
you right now.

I propose you stop
letting your father
run your life...

and be true to yourself
and not give up on someone
you know has value.

Yeah, and take off your socks
when you make whoopee...

or whatever that word is.
He hates it when
you leave them on.

What?
Hypothetically speaking.

Suitor Number One,
you sound familiar.

Like your conscience, maybe?

Look, lady. You don't
know him, all right?

Now make with
the questions.

BRANDY. Suitor Number Three.

ls your kiss like
a soft breeze...

a firm handshake,
or a jackhammer?

What's the funny guy
doing with his hands?

I don't want to know.

What the fuck is
going on up there?

(GIBBERISH)

Never mind.
You go tell LaFours
to call the police.

I want the fucking
Department down here
now to arrest those guys.

Now. Go.

Definitely a jackhammer.

I'm in there
with some pressure,
and when I'm done...

you're not the
same as before.
You're changed.

Where do you come
up with this shit?

That is the cheesiest
response to an honest
question I've ever heard.

I saw you kiss
and it wasn't
anything like that.

(LAUGHS)

Suitor Number Two,
you have to wait until

you're addressed
before you respond.

Richard Dawson,
go back to your podium

until it's time to play
the Feud, all right?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Who did you see me kiss?

Some dude backstage.

I don't know who he was,
but he seemed unimpressed.

I didn't kiss
any guy backstage,
I swear. I'm not gay.

Hey, Suitor-ette,
this guy's a homophobe.

You heard how
repulsed he sounded.

Is this the kind
of guy you want to
spend a vacation with?

This hate monger?
I don't hate gay people!

So you love them?
Yes!

I mean, no!
Textbook closet case.
Self-loather.

Can't be comfortable
with his own sexuality.

(LAUGHS)

Brodie said to
give this to you.

Are you watching
this shit, man?
It's fucked up!

I don't want to be
here when that tape

does what I think
it's going to do.

Why the hell not, man?
This shit is dope.

Holy fuck.
He'll kill him.

Who'll kill Who?

LaFours, man.
Silent Bob, he's my
fucking board, man.

What am I going
to fucking do?
Point him out.

Miss Suitor-ette, how about
you answer a question for me?

Um, I don't think that--

How strong are
your convictions?

Hi.

Would you be
interested in partaking

in some
psycho-behavioral
research?

What are you talking about?

How easily do you quit?
Say you wind up
with one of us.

Hopefully not
Rush Limbaugh,
over here.

I'm not like Rush Limbaugh!

Why not, because he's fat?
You got something
against fat people, too?

(SCATTERED LAUGHS)

JAY: Snootchy bootchies!

Are you ready?

Uh.

If! have a conviction,
I stick to it.

Were you ever in love?

Yes, as a matter
of fact.
Oh, really?

What happened to
your boyfriend?

We broke up.
Why?

It just didn't work out.

I mean, were you unhappy?

Sometimes.
Why?

I don't know.
The usual baggage.

He lacked a sense of romance.

He almost ruined
my father's career.

He got me implicated
in an attempted murder.

That was an accident.

T.S.?

Hey, what about
the rest of us?

Why don't you
ask me a question?

Suitor Number Two.

Hey, what about me?
Gil, just shut the fuck up!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(EXHALES)
Second Suitor...

would you ever make
whoopee in public?

I already did once today.
(CLICKS TONGUE)

But my cousin Walter
jerked off in public once.
True story.

He was on a plane
to New Mexico,

when all of a sudden
the hydraulics went.

The plane started
spinning around,
going out of control.

He decides it's all over,
whips it out

and starts beating it
right there.

All the passengers
take a cue from him,

they whip it out and
start beating like mad.

So all the passengers
are beating off,

plummeting to
their certain doom...

when all of a sudden...

the hydraulics kick back in
and the plane rights itself.

It lands safely...

and everyone puts
their pieces, or whatever,
away and deboard.

Nobody mentions
the phenomenon
to anyone else.

Did he come or what?

Jesus Christ, Gil!

There are just some things
you do not mention in public.

(SCATTERED LAUGH)

Second Suitor...

if you were
a comic-book character,
what character would you be?

Wow, that's
a great question.

A tough one, though.
What does one gauge
his response on?

Physical prowess?
Keen detection skills?

The ability to banter well
with super villains?

How's your comic-book
collection, Brodie?

Oh, it's going good.
But, I mean--

Oh, comics!
What are you
talking about?

I don't collect comics.
Comics are for kids!

I knew it.

Suitor Number One...

you just don't know
when to quit, do you?

No.

No, but you sure do.
I thought you were in love.

I was.

But you complicated my life.

How so?

Well, you placed
me in such a damned

uncomfortable
position with my father...

Twice even.
What was I supposed to do?

Show a little backbone.

I was ready to show
a little backbone.

And then you had to
show up with Bumbler
the Boy Wonder over there...

and screw things
up further, proving...

that you never took
the situation seriously.

Boy Wonder?
I'm all man, lady!

I've never done anything
but show interest in you.

Our whole goddamn
romantic career
I doted on you.

The minute things
got dicey, you cracked.

There we were,
mere hours from spending
an entire week together...

away from our family, school.

She throws in the towel
because her daddy says so.

He got us shot at by
the Federal authorities.

He brought his
troublemaker friend
over to my house...

where he proceeded to
allow news cameras...

to take naked
videos of my father.

(GASPS)

Then he had the audacity
to inform me...

that on this vacation
that we were
supposed to take...

that he was going
to propose to me,

without even discussing
it with me first.

We've been talking
about getting married
since high school.

He could have
approached my father,
man to man...

and made his
intentions clear.

He could have apologized
for all the problems
that he caused.

But what does he do instead?
He just goes on with his life.

I mean here he is.
He's hanging out at a mall.

You put yourself
on an auction block
for God's sake...

in front of
a live studio audience.

Do I get a chance to field
any more questions?

BOTH: No!

Look, I think
I should say
something here.

I know both of
you pretty well.
Suitor-ette...

Suitor Number One
has done nothing but
pine over you all day...

trying to figure out
a way to win you back.

When this public opportunity
to literally do that arose...

he pulled his
shit together,
risked life and limb...

and faced the odds
to get up here and
give it his best shot.

I'm tired of
this whole thing!

You're both retarded
for each other!

Forget about
the shit that happened

and do what
you're supposed to!

I think the audience
would agree with me there.

Ask her,
you silly bastard!

(SIGHS)

Miss Suitor-ette...

Suitor Number One
loves you...

has always loved you,
and will always love you.

He's only got one question
that he'd like to ask.

Will you marry me?

Yes.

JAY: Snootchy bootchies,
Brodie-nootchies!

Are we set or what?
Good to go.

No.
Hey, did you see
LaFours out there?

For a minute there,
I thought that we
were in trouble.

(SIRENS WAILING)

Oh, a sailboat.

(SCREAMING)

I think it's safe to say,
we've made our match.

These two lucky
people will soon be
winging their way...

to beautiful, sunny
Florida for a week of
theme parks, beaches...

and a lot more
from the look of it!

I guess that about
wraps it up for--

Not just yet,
Pat Sajak.

All right?

You! All right.

I believe you
have something
that belongs to me.

Yeah? What's that?

Not you, asshole! The girl.

You have my heart.

What can I say?

I love the retard.

Wait a minute.
I thought tonight

we were supposed to,
you know...

Hamilton!

Let's try to wrap
this up, all right?
I promised her breakfast.

All right, that's it.

You're dead, mallrat.
I'm going to fuck
you up beyond repair!

Sailboat. Sailboat.
Goddamn sailboat.

What in Christ's name
took you guys so long?

Get your asses up there
and arrest those guys.

The one with the girl
and the one with
the microphone.

For what?

Trespassing,
public lewdness,
FCC violation.

(RETCHING)

Food poisoning.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this tall drink of
water headed my way...

is a pillar of
the shopping community...

who informed me earlier today
of a nefarious plan of his...

to screw my girlfriend
in a very uncomfortable place.

What? Like the back
of a Volkswagen?

And as he comes up here to...

Holy shit!

Without further ado,
I 'd like to present you all...

with an accurate
portrayal of the proprietor
of Fashionable Male.

Now, Silent Bob!

I said now, Silent Bob!

WILLAMZ When, Lord?

When the hell do
I get to see the
goddamn sailboat?

Now, now, now!

(SCREAMING)

Who's your favorite New Kid?

Call me Joey.

Oh, yeah.
Don't make me get loose.
I think that's it.

Yeah. Call me Donnie.
Come on. Oh, girl.

Yeah, please don't go.

No wonder why she
walks all fucked up.

That girl's only 15.

Oh, 15?
I thought she was 36.

Hey, come on, guys.
Tell me you wouldn't
have popped her'?

(ROPE CREAKING)

(CREAKING)

Where you're going...

they screw people in
a very uncomfortable place.

Really?
Yeah.

You can't strike
a prisoner in
police custody.

Oh, come on,
just once?

All right,
but make it fast.

(GRUNTS)

Would you have
gone on vacation
with the winner?

What do you think?

I don't know,
I think you would have.

But I would have
sent you a postcard.

(LAUGHS)

What the hell
is wrong with me?

If the tape was
out of your reach,

how the hell
did you get it?

The Jedi mind trick!

Holy shit!
Motherfucking
Yoda and shit!

Adventure?
Excitement?

A Jedi craves
not these things.

Holy! You spoke.

There was never
anything good
to say before.

Did you see that shit?
Do you call that romance?

I call that illegal.

So.

So what?

I was just wondering,
if maybe you're not
busy tomorrow night...

Yeah?

(SIGHS)

Would you like to
have dinner at my house
and meet my mother?

I can't guarantee
she'll like you, but...

Hey, want a cookie?
It's on me.

It was just a warm-up.
Please, come on?

The show would
always go smoother
and be less racy.

The show was
a piece of shit.

Unoriginal,
uninspired, you know.

The only thing
that saved it was
this guy here.

I'm Bentley Garrison,
with the network.

Me and Mason thought
you were hysterical.

Hilarious. You've got
great presence, kid.

Have you ever considered
hosting your own talk show?
Yeah.

(GRUNTING)

Him?

Excuse me, sir.
Are you the producer
of this program?

Of course I am,
you stupid shit.

And I want those
two guys arrested.

Sir, you are
under arrest.

What?

What for?

For broadcasting
lewd or indecent images
in a public forum...

and violation
of about 19 FCC
regulations.

Jesus Christ!

(RETCHING)

And for vomiting
on my shoes.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah?