All language subtitles for About.My.Father.2023.1080p.BluRay.REMUX.AVC.Atmos-TRiToN.English

My name is Sebastian.

And, yeah, that's me

when my mother
used to dress me for preschool

like I was going to Studio 54.

Like most American stories,
mine starts a long time ago

on another continent.

Specifically,
the magical island of Sicilia.

A lot of folks like to call Sicily the big
ball in front of the boot of Italy,

which makes sense 'cause the world's
been trying to kick our ass

since the dawn of time.

For generations,
my people have been threatened by wars,

volcanoes and testicle-crushing Speedos.

But we survived it all
through one unstoppable force...

family.

These are actual photos
of my Sicilian ancestors.

Note the signature Maniscalco look,

with the curved spines
and the resting bitch face.

Like a bunch of pissed-off candy canes.

Over the past few centuries,

these proud hunchbacked men
have operated with one goal:

Do everything you can...

...to give your kids a better life
than the one you had.

For my father...

...this meant leaving his beloved Sicily
for Chicago,

so he and my mother could give me
opportunities they never got.

Like shovelin' snow,

growin' a beautiful mullet

and goin' to the prom

looking like a pit boss.

Growin' up, my father busted his hump

to instill in me certain rules

of how a man should operate.

Like, if you're awake,
you should be workin'.

Hey, how's the pressure, Mrs. Marinelli?

Harder.

You gotta get in there, Son.
I don't pay you by the hour.

I pay you by the moan, capisce?

Guy with the ponytail, that's my dad.

Did I mention he owns a salon?

The man comes from a long line
of Sicilian hairstylists.

And don't you dare call him a barber.

This man doesn't just cut hair,

he creates styles.

Salvo, it's beautiful.

See? I told you
you had cheekbones under there.

You just needed Michelangelo
to dig 'em out.

Child labor laws were definitely broken.

But on the bright side,

I had the most realistic Chewbacca costume
in the history of Halloween.

He taught me to always save your money.

No apps, no dessert.

And if you don't finish your main, you're
paying for your own birthday dinner.

And to be resourceful.

You wanted me to buy you a skateboard.
I built you one instead.

Next year, I'm gonna build you
one of those Nintendos.

But one exception, cologne.

Never cheap out on your signature scent.

At bedtime, our house smelled
like an Uber in Las Vegas.

The only time I saw my father smile

is when we did the chicken dance
for my mother.

To me, this man was a god.

And it was all working out great
until I grew up

and fell for someone
who was my complete opposite.

Her name was Ellie.

I mean, look at this girl.

The style, the positivity,

personality.

Yeah, this was my dream woman.

Sebastian!

Ah! I'm so sorry I'm late.

This guy's chargin' $15 for valet.

- So I parked it nine blocks away.
- Wait a minute.

If you parked that far away,
how are you so dry?

You sweat just getting the mail.

It's the Fendi, babe.

It's wickin' away.

- You want one?
- Yeah.

You know, everyone said
I should serve fancy food at my opening,

and I was like, "Name one person
that doesn't like a hot dog."

And get this, she's an artist.

I mean, growing up,
I wasn't even allowed to do it as a hobby.

- So how's the show goin'?
- Oh, my God! Frickin' amazing.

All my pieces sold out
in, like, 15 minutes.

- Babe, that's incredible.
- I know, right?

I mean, most of them went
to this big decorator,

but they have clients all over the world,
so I'm not complaining.

Well, you shouldn't.

Especially 'cause they look
kind of like, you know...

Vaginas?

Well, you know,
if you just hang them horizontally...

they kind of look like sunsets.

Oh, yeah.

Right?

Since the day I met her,

she's been opening my eyes
to all kinds of new experiences.

Like naps...

Weird.

The sun's coming through the drapes.

...and beauty treatments.

Hey, hot stuff. Looking good.

Wait, are you mad?

Yeah.

That it took 42 years
to discover avocado masks.

And last but not least, smiling.

Okay. Um...

- It's not natural.
- That's...

That's not particularly natural.
But you know what I think?

I think we just
have to build these facial muscles,

so you just gotta practice.

Look at that. Now try it.

- You look great.
- I don't...

Yeah, life with Ellie was pretty perfect.

I don't think
I could participate. That's ridiculous.

- You promised.
- Oh, come on!

A public wedding proposal?
It's embarrassing.

I think it's sweet.

When I propose to you,
it's gonna be intimate.

- Hmm.
- Just you and me, the way it should be.

- Hmm.
- No one else.

Used to be, "If I propose."

You just said, "When I propose."

Okay, babe. It's just... I'm aggravated.

Words are just flying out of my mouth.

Well, just so you know,
the only way I will say yes

is if there is some element
of public humiliation involved.

- Oh, well.
- Get ready.

You might as well
just end the relationship right now,

because we ain't doin' that.

- Oh, we're not?
- I'm not doin' this.

- But you're such a good dancer.
- Look at these people.

Uh, Ellie?
I kind of need your help right now.

Right, dude. We are in!

The truth was,

I had every intention
of asking Ellie to marry me.

I just needed the right place and time.

I see you, guy. I see you.

All right? Pick it up.

- Thank you. Take a walk.
- Sebastian.

I'm on the phone with my parents,
and get this.

They're inviting us
out to the summer place

for the big Fourth of July weekend.

- Babe, did you just say "us"?
- Us.

- I thought this trip was for family only.
- I know!

I mean, I'm so torn
between thinking this is great news,

or that I might be dragging you
into an Italian version of Get Out.

I'm not sure. Oh, uh, uh...

Yes, yes, yes, Mother, yes.

I'm asking him right now. Please hold.

What do you think?

Yeah.

He's man-crying. That means it's a yes.

- Yes!
- I love you.

I'm gonna get you tissues.
I love you. I'm so excited.

So, yeah, I'm a big crier.

I love to just marinate in my own tears.

Mmm.

But this was a huge deal.

Ellie's summer place wasn't
just the perfect spot to propose,

it also meant her family
was starting to accept me,

which was amazing, because...

How do I put this eloquently?

These people got class

up the ass.

I mean, look at these people
with their perfect postures

and their perfect teeth.

Even their dog went to better schools
than I did.

I was intimidated,
which really didn't make any sense,

as their story
was also an immigrant story.

For some reason,
theirs was considered more respectable,

as it started 400 years ago.

Now, this is an actual painting

of Ellie's tenth great grandfather,
William Love Collins,

taking his family to America

on a little boat called the Mayflower.

You got it. That one.

So while my father came
to chase the American dream,

the Collins were the American dream,

all the way up to Ellie's dad,

William Love Collins XII.

Only Italian guys I knew
with Roman numerals after their names...

...are popes

and Rocky Balboa.

Her dad is the chairman and CEO
of the luxurious Collins Hotel Group,

which was awkward,

as I happened to run
a cool new boutique hotel,

which was stealing
a lot of his Chicago business.

Bottom line?
His baby girl was datin' the enemy.

But Bill wasn't even the scary parent.

That honor belonged to Ellie's mother,

whose actual birth name
was Tigger Mac Arthur.

Anna, darling,
you don't know anything about me.

And this kitty's got claws.

As an Ivy League grad turned senator
for the state of Maryland,

it took her a long time

to wrap her mind around
her beloved daughter

datin' some working-class hotel manager.

How could I be anti-immigrant

when my daughter is dating the son of one?

But this invite meant
I was finally breakin' through.

A holiday weekend was my chance

to charm the pleated pants
off these people.

And if all went well,

I could ask for their daughter's hand
in marriage.

So, I had the girl I wanted to marry,

the perfect spot to propose to her,

and now, I just needed the ring,

which should have been easy to get.

Oh, come on. What do you mean
you're not gonna give me the ring?

Grandma left it for me to use
when I'm ready to get married.

Uh, your grandmother left it with me

to make sure you just don't give it away
to some puttana.

That's what your grandmother did.

Can you come out of the garden
so we can talk about this?

They're back. They're back there
messing with my gagootz.

Forget the gagootz.

- Dad, the ring... Can I have it?
- Look at that.

You know, I don't know about this girl,
I gotta tell ya.

I'm not sure about her.

She put her feet up on my coffee table.
I don't know...

- You put your feet on your coffee table.
- Yeah, my coffee table, my feet.

What do you think is this? What bites?

- A raccoon.
- Ants? Is it an ant?

An ant. You gotta be kiddin' me.

Let's see. Okay, here we are.
Hold on. That's a possum.

Possum.

- They're dead. Dead, gone.
- Oh, no.

- Come on, with the thing again...
- Gone from this earth.

- Instant death.
- Just set a trap.

Yeah, I'm gonna set a trap.
I'm gonna get my antifreeze, my little...

When I was a kid,

I thought everything my dad did
was normal.

If some string beans went missin',

I'd wake up to a yard
full of poisoned squirrels,

birds, chipmunks.

Basically anything
that ever helped Cinderella get dressed,

murdered in our backyard.

Come on, Dad. Could you just admit
that Ellie's not some puttana?

I love her, you love her.
Just give me the ring so I can propose.

- You really serious about this?
- Yeah, Dad, she's the one.

- She's the one?
- Yeah.

Okay, Son, you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna give you the ring.

- Thank you.
- But first I gotta meet her family.

- What? Why?
- Why?

- That's why.
- What the hell does that mean?

You got no respect for your roots.

What are you talkin' about?

You don't eat the fruit
till you make sure the tree ain't sick.

And per tradition, I need to look
at the mother and the father's eyes.

I need to look them in the eyes
to make sure there's no rot.

- Because there could be rot.
- What?

- Not that there is, but there could be.
- There's no rot in this family, Dad.

- You never know. You never know.
- They're classy. They're classy people.

Oh, yeah.

The fancier, the dirtier.
You never know what's goin' on.

Plus, they don't live anywhere near here.

Let me just put you on a Face Time, so you
could taste-test them over the phone.

Hey, I'm not doing Face Time.
This is an important moment.

Face Time, Zoom? What are you, crazy?

- You don't gotta get all upset.
- No, gotta be faccia con faccia.

Dad, I want to do this next weekend
at their family's house in the country.

Wait, wait. Hold on, hold on.

This is the first summer since we had to
say goodbye to your poor dear mother,

and you're gonna leave me alone
for the goddamn Fourth of July?

Well, it's just that, you know, her family
invited me to their summer house.

Oh, their summer home?

Most people got one home,
but they got 'em for different seasons.

- Oh, that's nice.
- Come on, Dad.

So they got more money than us.
Who doesn't?

Plus, it's just for one weekend.

Oh! "One weekend," he says. One weekend.

Fifty years ago, I come to this country
to give you a better life.

Fifty years ago,
I skipped every weekend in Sicily for you.

I joined the US Army
to protect your freedoms.

And what thanks do I get?

You go celebrate the Fourth of July
with some other family,

leaving me to burn the sparklers
and eat the hot dogs alone!

Alone! Thank you.

This is incredible.

Wait, what do you mean you're not coming?

I can't leave my father.

The Fourth of July
was their favorite holiday.

Because of his military background?

No, it's the only holiday
you don't have to buy a gift.

I'm sorry, Ellie.

We'll just do it some other time.

- Why don't we just bring him?
- What... What happened?

I mean, if he loves the Fourth,

he's gonna flip out at our place.

There's all kinds
of fun family activities.

There's fireworks.

There's even a huge clambake
with tons of fresh fish.

He loves to debone fish.

Kind of perfect.

My father
getting a close-up look at my new life,

while I was trying to seal the deal
with Ellie's parents?

What an incredible idea!

Nah, I don't think so.
I should probably just stay here with him.

Boo!

Come on.

Don't you want our families
to finally meet?

Yeah, of course I do.

Why is your voice going up like that?
What's going on?

Are you...

Are you nervous to bring him?

Ner... No.

No. What? No, no.

All right, fine.

Don't bring him.

Don't come.

Don't have fun. It's fine.

All right, maybe I was
a little scared to bring my father

into a country club environment,

where he'd see me playing racquet sports,

riding around in golf carts
and takin' naps.

But I also knew that stubborn bastard
wouldn't give me the ring

without a face-to-face meeting.

Fine. You win. I'll ask him.

Hey, don't get all excited, all right?

This guy's big on tradition.
I doubt he'll even say yes.

Shit, yeah. I'm comin'.

No, wait, wait, wait. Seriously?

Of course I'm comin'.
What are we gonna do instead?

Spend the whole weekend alone,
just the two of us in the house,

burnin' the sparklers
and eatin' the hot dogs?

Yeah, I'm comin'.

That's the same example you used
to guilt-trip me into not going.

Well, what can I say?
I got a way with words. You know me.

Listen, if we're gonna do this, Dad,
you gotta be on your best behavior.

Wha... What do you mean, my best behavior?

The family is uptight, they're
conservative, they're not used to...

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

So, you, the son,
are telling me, the father, how to behave?

You hear this?

Just remember the main goal
is for you to meet the family,

so I can get the ring
and propose to Ellie.

It's not for you to price-check
their antique coffee tables.

Come on already! I mean,
how fancy could a stupid coffee table be?

I mean, seriously, how much we talkin'?

I don't know, Dad.

I'm kidding you. Mannaggia.
Where's your sense of humor?

- Geez. Come on.
- All I'm asking is dial it down with the...

What, all the... This is... What is this?
Look at him. Look at him.

Dial it down with all this and that.
You know what he's worried about?

He's worried his immigrant father's

gonna make him look
like some kind of goombah.

Let me tell you somethin'.

You don't remember this
because I'm your dad,

but a lot of people find me charming.

Pretty charming, that's right. Right.

- Right, ladies?
- Yeah.

And these stuck-up rich people?

They got a word for me...

I remember, it's "loud,"
it's "obnoxious," it's "over-cologned."

No, no. "Refreshing."

"He's refreshing." "He's so original."

I've heard that all...
All the time I hear that.

And I promise you
Ellie's parents are gonna love me.

I don't know about you,
but they're gonna love me.

Ladies, you better get your dos done
by Thursday

'cause the Maniscalco men,
they're goin' on vacation.

He's worried.

This kid is worried. I'm not.

What the hell are you doin'?

- You can't smoke here.
- What? I'm outside.

Next to an airplane!

- Oh, sorry!
- That's okay.

Mannaggia. Can't even smoke a cigar.

I got some good news.

I got us a luxury sedan
for the price of a compact.

That's nice, but makes me wonder
how much the compact you could've got for.

Then I took the compact price

and got it on the house!

- Hey!
- Hey! Nice!

Baby, the bags.

- Yeah. How long does it take to get there?
- Um, like, three hours.

Hey, you guys lookin' for a ride?

Oh, my God. Lucky!

Oh, no.

Who's that, an ex-boyfriend?

Worse. Brother.

Hey!

- I swear to God!
- Whoa!

While I'd made progress
with Ellie's parents,

I'd yet to make any
with the older brother.

His name was William Love Collins XIII,

so everybody called this guy "Lucky."

- And that's exactly what he was.
- Chug, chug, chug!

Whoo! Oh, my God!

After graduating from Princeton,

back when you could
bribe your kid into college,

Lucky was on deck
to take over the hotel group

while working as a "client liaison."

Gentlemen! Who's ready
to go hunt some endangered species?

I'm just kiddin'.

Unless you guys are down,
I can figure something out.

This meant traveling around the world,
entertaining wealthy clients

with all the rich-kid hobbies
he had time to master.

Whoo!

We're talkin' skiing...

Whoo! Snowboarding sucks!

...yachting...

...all the country club sports.

Whoo! Looks like I gotta change my shoes,

'cause I'm on the dance floor. What!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

But I'd say his overall best skill
was being a prick.

There he is.

I see you're still banging the bellboy.

- Luck! No!
- Hey!

I'm only joking, Sea Bass.

¿Cómo estás?

- Hey, what's up, Luck?
- Not much.

You must be Sebastian's brother.

Hey. No, I'm his father. Salvo.
How are you?

No way! Seriously?

That's crazy.
I can't tell the age of anybody over 40.

Anyway.

Oh, let me goose you guys some free samps.

I'm an angel investor
in this new antiaging skin cream for men,

and I'm obvi a client.

This guy.

You boys ready to saddle up?

- Let's go!
- Oh, chopper time!

EI, I don't think
this is such a good idea.

Yeah, we got a free car, you know.

Guys, come on!

Trust me, the helicopter takes 20 minutes,

and the views are magical.

Are you with me?

Come on! Let's have some fun!

Lucky, you are cleared for takeoff.

Roger that, Roger.

Dude's name's Roger. We hang.

Got a super-hot wife.

Hey, if you guys look out to your left,
you'll see the beautiful Roanoke River.

Baby, look. Oh!

- Salvo, it's nice, right?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's nice.

Reminds me of 'Nam.

- Huh?
- Yeah, I'm fine. It's good.

- Okay. Okay.
- I'm fine.

Oh.

- Oh, yeah.
- Sorry. Sorry. I got it. I got it.

Had a couple too many G and T's.

- He's kidding. He's kidding.
- Yeah, yeah.

- The air don't work.
- No, it does.

It works, it works.

It's okay. Only a couple of minutes.

- It's just a little warm, Dad.
- Son, it's...

I think we got a problem here.

- What?
- We got a problem here.

Oh, my God! Baby!

- I can't breathe.
- Wait, wait, wait.

- Take a bite out of the lemon.
- What am I gonna do with a whole lemon?

I'll cut it. I'll cut it.
Don't worry. Hey.

I'll cut it into pieces. Hold on.
I got a knife.

He's got a knife. Oh, my God.

- He's got a knife.
- I'm cutting the lemon.

- Okay, here. Take it. Take it.
- Baby, suck it.

- Suck on that.
- Suck on that lemon. Suck.

Just suck! Suck, suck, suck!

- Sounds like my Saturday night.
- Suck!

- Dude. Do not vom in my bird.
- He's not gonna vom in your bird.

Just breathe in through the nose,
out through the mouth.

- Suck on that.
- It's making it worse.

Suck it!

- Cradle the balls.
- Suck on that!

- You just suck! Suck the lemon!
- Take it easy, kid.

I think we should turn around.
He's freaking out.

It's 19 more minutes.
You can't tough it out...

- It stinks!
- Let's bring it down. Let's bring it...

- Open up the windows! I'm gonna die!
- Bring it down.

Put the air conditioning down there.
How are you so calm?

- Roger, we're coming back.
- I'm dying! Put it down!

Put it down!

I knew I should've forced him
to join the army.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Laugh it up.

Laugh it up, guys.
I'm just happy I'm on the ground.

Okay, gentlemen. Welcome to White Oak.

- Wow!
- Right?

Ah, boy.

Um, okay, so, that's the golf course,

and then the tennis courts
are back down there.

Oh, baby, look. Right there?
That's my childhood fort.

Oh.

We'd go there whenever
I needed to get away from my family,

so, basically, all the time.

Yeah, I wish I had one.

Oh, look!

Oh, my God!
It's Sergeant Feathers and his family!

- What is this?
- Oh, my God!

What are you doing?

- What up, dudes?
- What are you... Is this safe?

Yeah, no, she's crazy.

What's that? What are you doing?
Be careful.

Get back in the car!
They're gonna eat you alive!

- Oh, my God!
- Aren't they the best?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- They're so beautiful!

- So how much a peacock cost anyway?
- Don't answer that, EI.

I didn't know they had peacocks
in Virginia.

Oh, well, my grandfather
brought two here decades ago,

but they didn't like their cages,
so he decided to let them roam free.

And now they've pretty much just
become the official mascots of our club.

Well, they're bad luck where I come from.

They're just a bunch of goddamn show-offs,
if you ask me.

I don't like them.

They're lucky to be born that way.

They could've been born like a chicken
or a pigeon.

I mean, it just has fancy feathers,
so all of a sudden, it gets more respect.

Okay, guys.

We're here. Welcome to our house.

Look at this! Are you kidding me?

How much a house like this cost?

Enough with the Price is Right!

He's the Bob Barker of the back seat.

- Oh, my little cuddle monkey!
- Hey! Hi!

Hi.

- Oh, my girl.
- Oh!

- Oh, what a beauty!
- Ellie-Bellie!

You know, looking back at this,

my dad had to be overwhelmed.

Family's a little handsy, huh?

It's called love and affection, Dad.

Unlike you,
when you met me in the delivery room

and chose to shake my hand.

What else was I supposed to do?
We just met.

Huh?

Guys, come on.
I want you to meet Sebastian's father.

- Hey, Sebastian.
- Hi.

- Nice to see you. Pleasure. Welcome.
- Nice to meet you.

Sebastian, so good to see you.

And you must be the charming Salvo.

So nice to finally meet you
in person, Tigger.

It's just last week
I was checking out your highlights on TV.

Oh, the CNN or the Fox ones?

No, no, the blonde ones.

You hair, if I can say,
is just like a block of marble.

I wanna sink my tools into it.

Dad, Dad, Dad, what are you doing?
You're gonna hit her.

Well, Salvo,
we've heard you're quite the stylist.

Tell me this, uh, do you think I'm too old
to pull off a set of frosted tips?

Frosted tips?

Good one, sir! Solid gold!

All right, I'm gonna hit the links.

- Have fun.
- Hasta luego!

So, uh, why don't you come inside,
and we'll give you the grand tour.

Don't worry about the bags.

- Wendell will take care of them.
- Mommy...

That's a pretty big dog you got there.

That's Duke.

We don't get too rough with him,
'cause we're afraid he'll kill us.

He's so big!

- Dad!
- This is our house.

- Wow!
- Yes.

- It's unbelievable.
- It's so big.

Oh, this is our youngest son, Doug.

- He's practicing his sound bowls.
- Hi!

Oh, yeah. Sound bowls? What is that?

Oh, well, now, a sound bowl is...
It's... Actually, it's an instrument.

It puts out this vibration

that relieves stress
and promotes relaxation.

He's... He's, uh, learning to be a healer.

Uh, but we're...
we're just so proud of him.

You're so loud, Dad.

- Oh, sorry.
- Oh, sorry, sorry.

Let me just...
Sorry. No, I'm gonna close the...

Play, boy, play.

Play to soothe the savage beast.

Well, you don't have to shut 'em.

- Wow! This house is amazing!
- Oh.

- Look at this!
- This is nothing.

You should see the place in Aspen.

Well, it's just, you know...

- Yeah.
- I love this cocktail table.

- Oh, Sebastian!
- Yes, it's gorgeous.

Good eye!

The first commercial coal mine
in the country

was right down the road from here,

and this piece is made out of the wood

from one of the original mine cars, huh?

- Drenched in history.
- Drenched.

- Good for you, reusing old wood like that.
- Yes.

This guy always gets on me about picking
up trash and putting it in the house.

Trash?

It's crazy, the stuff
that people throw away these days.

It sure beats paying for it.
I mean, right?

- So, I... I take it.
- Right.

- Yes. Yes. That is so true.
- Yeah.

Um, actually, though,
we did pay for this one.

A king's ransom...

...if I must say,

but at least it's too rickety
to put drinks on.

Dad, that's the worst.

No, no, we just... we wanted something
that matched the art in the room.

Oh, good for you,
hanging up your kids' artwork like that.

No, these...
these are original Grandma Moses.

- Can you believe it? We found them...
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- What?
- I'm sorry. I mean, I...

I didn't mean to insult your grandmother.

I meant no disrespect. I had no idea.

- I mean, what was the matter with her?
- Was she a little...

Oh, my God.

- Hey, who's hungry for lunch?
- I am.

- Me, me, me!
- We could all go down to The Shack.

- You're gonna love The Shack!
- What a great idea!

♪ Pa pa l'americano ♪

It's me.

Wow, this club is huge, Bill.

The way you were describing it,

I expected a place
where they're serving grilled cheese

out of a little window, you know.

Yes, I suppose they've, uh,
fixed it up over the years.

But to us, it will always be...

The Shack.

This place was built by slaves.

Douglas.

What, I'm not allowed
to tell the truth now?

How are we supposed to confront our
problems if we don't talk about it, Dad?

No, it's true. It's true.

The... Some of the history down here
is just... It's brutal.

- Mmm.
- It's just unthinkable.

It's not on the menu, but you can order
the club sandwich with lobster.

Mmm, yeah.

I can't even bring my girlfriend here
because I'm ashamed.

She's an African person.

She is a person emailing you from Africa

and to whom you are sending back money.

We have yet to confirm
whether she's a girl or a friend.

Keep me safe from negative energy.

Hi, everyone. Welcome to White Oak.

- What can I get you guys?
- Oh, no bread, please.

Um, do you have those crackers?
The seedy ones?

- Of course.
- Gloria, do you have kombucha?

- I can check.
- Does anyone want in on this?

Ever since I've had kombucha,
my BMs. have been completely regular.

- Oh. All right.
- I've had no problems.

All right. Remember, Douglas,
we don't talk about our BMs. at the table.

- No.
- Before I was drinking kombucha,

my feces looked like ripped,
little pieces of paper,

and then after I started drinking,
they're long, soft logs.

Well, all right. Thank you for that.

Um, do you know what you want, Sebastian?

Just a...

- The Cobb salad.
- Good choice.

What are you, one of my sorority sisters?

Is that all you're gonna get?

You're not gonna get a starter?

Yeah, uh, I'm just gonna stick
with the middle of the menu.

All right, suit yourself.

Salvo, what are you gonna get?

Gloria, I think I'm gonna have the...
the BLT with the onion rings.

But what's the price on that dish?

Oh, no, we don't...

Salvo, this may sound very silly,

but we don't like to put prices on things,

because it's just
an annoying reminder of money.

- Mmm.
- Right?

Oh!
So, everything's for free, you mean?

No. No, it is not free.

I wish it were.

Nothing is free.

So, what do they do?
I mean, they make up a price, or...

Oh, Dad, it's, you know...

Son, I'm talking to Bill here.
Are you Bill? Hello, Bill.

It's fine.

- Everything has a set price.
- Mmm.

And then they just tally it up
at the end of the week,

put it on my bill, and it's taken care of.

Got it. Okay, got it.

Well, Gloria, I would just love to chat
with somebody who knows the prices.

Salvo, please.

Please.
It would be our pleasure to treat you.

I would love that, and thank you, Tigger.

But I think you do
way, way, way too much already.

You're putting us up in your home.
That's enough already.

We want to at least,
you know, pay for the meal.

- It's not a big deal.
- I know it's not a big deal.

Don't make a big deal out of it.
Don't worry about it. It's okay.

So, Gloria, just do me a favor.
Find out how much it is for the BLT.

- What did you get again?
- Just the Cobb salad.

- Cobb salad.
- Please. Please.

- We'll take care of it.
- Let us pay.

It will be so much easier
if you just let them pay.

- I can't let you.
- We've taken care of it.

Dad, let them pay.

- Please let them pay.
- Just let us pay.

- I can't let you pay.
- It's so easy.

I don't know what you're so upset about.

I mean, I'm a working guy.
I like to pay my own way.

I don't want to owe anybody anything.

I'm upset because you're supposed
to be getting to know Ellie's family.

And instead, you made a big scene.

So what? Who cares?
These people are strange.

Yeah, you think they are.

They are strange. Are you kidding me?

They wanna take a break
from thinking about money.

Where I come from, that's called dying.

All right, that's... It's a different life.

But you still gotta try.

Try.

I just don't know, Sebastian.
I gotta tell you.

I don't know how you're gonna fit in.
It ain't normal.

I mean, your mother and me,
we didn't raise you this way, so...

Yeah, you raised me to marry an Italian
who shouts when she's happy

and grows hair in places
I didn't even know could grow.

So what? That's a real woman.

Your mother was a real woman,
who put real food on the table,

not somebody who refuses a bread basket.

All right, Dad, even I have to admit
the crackers were awful.

It's like eating birdseed.

Yeah, I didn't know whether to eat 'em
with my hands or just walk around and...

Exactly, and you notice how they
try to downplay how fancy it is?

- Oh, yeah.
- "Excuse me? I'm looking at this.

Excuse me. I got eyes. I can see. Hello."

They walk around, saying,
"Oh, yes. The house is 60,000 square feet,

with 13 bedrooms,

but we like it because it's cozy."

And then they do the opposite
with the furniture.

They make it sound more important
than it really is.

It can't just be, like, a regular chair.
It's got to have, like, a whole backstory.

- Oh, yeah.
- I mean, what...

"This is the chair Thomas Jefferson sat in

when he signed the treaty
of Who-the-Hell-Cares?"

"Well, the toilet is
where Abe Lincoln took a dump.

There's a plaque right there."

"Oh, do they got a place
for his hat in there too?"

I mean, I don't know if I'm in a house
or I'm in a museum.

So, tell us, what's new in Chicago?

How's the art?

- Well, it's, um...
- Yes?

- It's great.
- Yes.

All my pieces from my last show
sold out at the opening. I mean...

- Well, that's something to crow about.
- That's amazing!

So, now that you're getting
all these contacts,

you could probably work from anywhere.

- Mom, stop. No.
- Right, sweetie? Right?

Sebastian and I love living in Chicago.

But we miss having you there in DC.

- We really do. We really do.
- We do.

These cheeks aren't as fun
to kiss on Face Time.

- Oh, my God.
- I want a cheek too.

Where's my cheek? Where's my cheek?

Excuse me. Excuse me.

You guys aren't supposed to be talking
during a sound bath.

Oh, God. Oh, of course.
Sorry. Sorry, Dougie.

- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
- No, this is... this is wonderful.

- Please keep bathing us in sound.
- Yes.

Go with your... Yeah.

Dad, listen.
We're here because I wanna marry Ellie.

So, it don't matter how it works
with these people.

It works with her.

So, come on, tomorrow, please,
can you give these people a chance?

Got it. Got it. No problem, no problem.

Because at the end of the day, Son,
it's your life.

- Night cologne?
- Yep.

Look at this. Pink sheets?

What?

Well, we're in a dollhouse.

Mom, Dad, I would love to live closer.

You know that.

- And?
- But Sebastian has his dad

and a great job.

- So...
- Yeah, working for the damn Hiltons.

- The Hiltons.
- Such a good gig.

Do you still have to have herpes
to work there?

- The point is...
- Thank you for that.

...that he loves it,

and I couldn't just ask him to leave.

Sure, but that house
that you guys live in,

it's so cramped.

We prefer "modest."

- You don't go on vacations.
- Because we're working.

And all that cologne?

They made my chopper smell
like a Nordstrom's.

God! I hate it when you guys
gang up on me like this.

It's not fair!

And like it or not, Mom, Dad

- and Lucky...
- Ow!

Sebastian and I are very happy together,

and we're staying in Chicago.

I'm sorry, Dougie.

Okay. I can't open chakras like this.
I'm gonna go call my girlfriend.

- Oh, no!
- It's fine. It's fine.

Oh, shit!

Bitcoin's down.

Will you look at us?

Walkin' through a gated community
as guests.

Not groundskeepers.

Yeah. Well, I just hope
nothing gets stolen this weekend,

'cause these people love
to blame the immigrants.

Look at this one. Look at this one.

What did she do,
take the gym equipment home?

- Morning!
- Hello.

- Beautiful day, isn't it?
- Yeah.

- Beautiful.
- Yeah. Yeah.

You gotta be kiddin' me.
What the hell's her problem?

"Beautiful day." Give me a break.

She's happy, Dad.

She probably had a father
that let her sleep in past 5:45.

I mean, I can't stop thinkin'
about how much work I'm missin'.

I could've done four dyes
and a perm by now.

Two electric bills I could've paid. Two.

- Good morning.
- Hello.

"Good morning." Come on.

What you talkin' about?
She's in a bathrobe. I can't believe this.

I mean, don't these people have jobs?

It's a holiday weekend.

Plus, they got their money
in the stock market,

not mayonnaise jars
buried in their backyard.

Just relax. Come on, Dad.

It's a beautiful day!

Back and forth, back and forth.

You play this game? Come on.

The outfits?

The wives with their culos hanging out
for everybody to see?

And when they hit a ball,
it sounds like they're having an orgasm.

They're hitting a ball.

Come on. The only reason I agreed to play
is so you could spend some time with Bill.

So just relax and do what we came to do.

Yeah, I am relaxed.
Look, I got sandals on.

I'm relaxed.

You look like the guy
who killed John Wick's dog.

Who's that? I don't even know who that is.

So Ellie tells me you're quite the player.

Yeah, I've taken a couple lessons.

Well, get ready to bring it.

I love my family everywhere,

except on the tennis court.

- Chest bump!
- Oh, wow!

Oh, geez, that's uncomfortable.

Let's do this. Mom, you ready?

It's time for tennis, baby!

- So, hey, Bill...
- Yeah?

So how long you been
in the hotel business?

Oh, yes, well, 50 years.
A long time. My whole life. Yeah.

But then it's, uh...

I guess it's a pretty exciting, uh,
thing to do.

I love it. I love it.
I got... I got hotel...

I got... I got hotels in my blood.

Just like you have hair in your blood.

- Right? I mean...
- Yo, Sea Bass.

Hope you got on your oven mitts,
'cause here comes the heat.

Oh.

- Oh, my God!
- Sorry.

What the hell was that, Sebastian?
Ellie told me you had game.

- Sorry.
- Didn't come easy.

I got, uh, kicked out of Harvard
for playing the sax.

I know. It's a long story.
But my dad, he got mad.

He said,
"That's it. You're making it on your own."

He gave me one hotel. One.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

- That's impressive.
- Well...

My father gave me a mule.

Next day, it died.

Gah!

♪ Put the macaroni in the pot
And cook it ♪

What's that, Doug?

It's an adult coloring book.

Hey, man, you wanna take a break
for some more water

or some more tennis lessons?

- What is going on?
- What?

You love tennis, and it's like
you're not even trying out here.

Come on, it's just a game.

Well... All right.

- At least take off this stupid tracksuit.
- No, it's cold.

- Leave it on. I'm cold.
- You must be sweating your tits off!

You're not cold.

Wait a sec. Are you embarrassed to play
because your dad is watching?

Listen, he's not the biggest fan
of sports like this.

And I don't really feel like
going over there

and explaining to him that
I'm paying a guy to teach me how to play.

Well, you should know that my mother
is not a "big fan" of losing either.

Yeah.

Listen, at least she stopped
chest-bumping me.

The only breasts I wanna feel
in this family are yours.

Not if you lose.

Sebastian, did Ellie ever tell you
about the guy she dated

during her semester abroad in Scotland?

Is that Andy-frickin'-Murray?

Never lost a match with him on my team.

I wonder what he's up to.

Hey, you know what?
I'll play with my weak hand.

That way you guys have, like, a shot.

Is that cool, Mom?

Until then,

my nightmare had been
letting my father see me enjoy this life.

So, much like the kick serve I learned
from a Swedish pro named Johannes,

this would be the point of no return.

Whoo!

Oh, no.

You see this?

- Crud!
- I am calm!

Serve!

This a game you can pick up fast?

Not at this level.

My, my. Sebastian, he's got game.

You must be very proud.

Lucky! Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay.

So sorry, Luck.

Oh, that's okay, Sebastian.
I'm sure it was an accident.

Oh, my God.

Quick! Bill!

Get a small cup of ice water
for his testes.

- Here.
- What?

I'm way ahead of you, sweetheart.
Here, this is ice tea.

- Easy, son. Rest easy.
- It's not gonna hurt.

- Nice and cool.
- You go cool my future grandbabies...

- Stop what you're doing!
- No, no.

- Do you want me to squeeze one, sweetie?
- Take these. Hold these.

- Don't touch.
- Oh, okay.

When did you learn
to play tennis like that anyway, huh?

I took a few lessons for Ellie, all right?
It's not that big of a deal.

So how much those cost you?

To all the immigrant kids watching,

you know when you get that question,
you always give them the parent price.

- Uh, $40.
- Forty?

You're telling me you paid the price
of a long-hair blowout

for somebody to teach you a game?

I mean, what am I gonna say?

Now, just imagine how he'd react

if I told him the actual price was 80.

Next thing I know,
you'll be serving me the bird crackers.

Son, feed me the bird crackers. Come on.

It's a hobby, Dad.
A lot of people have them, all right?

Stop acting like I'm joining a cult.

Well, it is a cult.

Only instead of Kool-Aid,
they're serving champagne.

Mmm. Mmm.

Welcome, everyone, to the SS Collins.

Uh, fun fact. I won this boat,

uh, playing backgammon
with Sir Richard Branson.

So for us, every voyage is a Virgin one.

- Good one, sir.
- Thank you.

Now, Bill and I have been talking,

and, uh, we were gonna wait
till the weekend to do this,

but, um, now we're just too excited.

All right.

Sebastian, uh, as a lifelong hotelier

and the father of the most
wonderful girl in the world...

- Yes.
- I love you.

- ...I have to say, it just killed me...
- Kills us.

- Kills us.
- Yes.

We are dead

thinking that you are working
for our biggest competitor.

- So...
- Go on.

- Shall I?
- Yes.

- Right now?
- Please do.

- Okay.
- Daddy, what is it?

On behalf of the Collins Hotel Group,

I would love you to join our side

and become the new face
of the luxurious five-star experience

that is... drumroll...

The Barrymore Hotel.

Go on. Yeah.

Not kidding.

What? Are you serious?

Not kidding. Very serious.

This is your signature property.
The most prestigious hotel in DC.

Yeah, it better be. We just spent
$240 million restoring it.

Uh, Dad, I thought you were
saving that job for me.

We regularly drug test.

Oh. Okay then.

- Mom, Dad, this is so generous.
- Oh...

We wouldn't do this if we didn't think
he was perfect for the job.

Come on, let's go get some more champagne.

- Let's take a look.
- I mean, what?

- Let's take a look at what you're...
- I can't believe this.

...going to be the new manager of.

Now, this was built in 1896,
been completely restored,

down to the dings and the doorknobs.

Take a look.
No, they're all... Everything...

Hey, uh, Doug. What are you doing?

Just getting the blood flowing.

Your face is getting a little red.

Yeah, I... I feel dizzy.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, that's the Jackie Onassis boardroom.

She was never there,
but we wish she would have been.

This, uh... This painting
in the lobby here looks...

Yes, we... There's art. Oh, we have... Yes.

- This painting in the boardroom.
- Yeah, there's a painting.

- I recognize that sunset.
- Oh.

Wait a minute. Did you buy
Ellie's paintings? Does she know?

We bought a few
through this designer that we know.

It's... It's no big deal.

We're... We're supporting our baby's dream.

Let's, uh, close this.

A little champagne.

Oh, good. I'll have some. I'll have some.

Excuse me, Daddy.

So what are you thinking?

Yeah, well, Bill,
that's a very generous offer,

but Sebastian obviously
has to think about that.

Right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Absolutely, Dad. Uh...

Of course. Well, this would be
a big move for everyone,

so please, take your time.

- Talk it over.
- Right?

And then tell us what day
to send the moving trucks.

Dad.

Oh, this is so cool! So cool!

Hey, as a possible member
of our, um, family company,

how about we celebrate
with a little jet-booting, huh?

Oh, that sounds great, man. Count me in.
What's, uh... What's jet-booting?

Whoo! Whoa!

This is amazing, Lucky!

All right! Look at you.

Baby, you're doing so good!

I feel like I'm flying!

- Whoa!
- Use your core!

I'm actually smiling.

This smile is real.

Salvo, would you like to
borrow some swim trunks?

We have a hot tub upstairs.

I'm-I'm fine. I'm trying to watch him.

- Oh.
- Make sure he's okay.

Whoo-hoo!

Hey...

...I just wanted to thank you
for looking after Ellie in Chicago.

We feel so lucky she's met your son.

Well, he's a good kid. Thanks.

I'm king of the world!

When he's not making an ass of himself.

I know you guys are close,

so if they do end up in DC,

I promise we will take good care of him.

Honestly, I wouldn't get your hopes up.

I can't imagine Sebastian
ever leaving Chicago or me,

'cause I'm the only family he's got.

I used to say the same thing about Ellie.

Hey, Dad! Check it out. I can dive!

Look at that. He's very athletic.
He's quite good.

Dad!

- Yeah, he gets it from my side.
- Whoa!

Whoo-hoo!

Look at this!

- Oh, my gosh!
- Oh, shit!

- Sebastian, your suit!
- It's Versace. Do you like it?

No, you moron! It's not up!

- They're down!
- Oh, God!

Hey, Bubba Gump. Nice shrimp!

I can't get it. Whoa!

Oh!

Whoa! You good, man?

What's the matter with you?

Pull up your pants!

I can't reach it.

Hey, what the hell do I do?

Son, your-your sail is at half-mast.

Oh, no, no, I...
It looks like it's full-mast.

Oh, no!

Sebastian!

- No, no.
- No!

- Okay, don't do that. Stay down!
- No, no. No.

Stay down. Stay down.

Okay. All right. All right.

- That is not appropriate.
- Oh, God!

- Oh, I'm gonna be sick.
- No, it's...

Honey, my mom can't unsee that.

Hey, Sea Bass. Say hi to Tik Tok.

- Dad, what the hell are you doing?
- Packin'.

I'm going back to Chicago
tomorrow morning.

What, are you crazy?

We're not leavin'.
You didn't even give me the ring yet.

Trust me. What I saw today,
you don't come back from.

Oh, stop being so dramatic.
It was from far away.

Nobody saw much.

Yeah, that's for sure.

Look, I know I haven't seen you naked
since the delivery room,

but is it possible your pisellino
hasn't even grown since then?

Would you put the suitcase away?

No, I'm gonna bring you home,

set you up with some Italian girls,
help you start over fresh.

And I even got
a nice new hairstyle for you.

Dad, I'm in love with Ellie.

That wouldn't change if I accidentally
showed my balls to the entire world.

Oh, is that what you got planned
for tomorrow?

Son, you gotta stop pretending
that you fit in with these people,

because you don't.

- I'm not pretending.
- Are you serious?

I mean, every time you're with
this family, you make a fool of yourself.

Because you raised me
to be afraid of trying anything new.

I mean, God, Dad, listen.

I honestly...
I was nervous to bring you here,

'cause I knew you would
just sit here and judge

with your black shirt, your zipper purse,
your resting bitch face.

Hey, I don't have resting bitch face.

We look like Italian gargoyles.

You look like you're gonna murder
the entire neighborhood.

You know what your problem is?

You're so negative,
you can't let yourself enjoy anything,

so you think I can't either.

Dad, Ellie is my future.

And I'm gonna keep an open mind
about everything.

Whoa, whoa. What do you mean, everything?

- Even the job offer?
- Maybe.

It's a pretty good one.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

First, your mother is taken away from me.
Now you wanna leave.

I'm not leaving you, Dad.

Ellie's the best thing
that ever happened to me.

And when I get married, not "if,"

her family is gonna be
a big part of the package.

Now, I want you to be a part of my life.

But if that's gonna happen,
you gotta give me some effort.

I wanna see the Salvo at the salon
that everybody loves.

And if I don't, I got no choice
but to leave you behind.

I don't know. How could you say that?
How could you say that?

How... How could you say that
to your father?

You got no respect for your family.

I got enough respect to know
we could go to bed angry

but not stinky.

Come on.

Now, come on. Let's do our night spritz.

I miss you, and I wish you were here
for so many reasons.

So many reasons, just...

For one, just tell me,
am I being an asshole?

Are we really doing the right thing
for our son?

Just give me some kind of sign, somethin'.

Please?

Just let me know what you think.

I-I...

Give me some sign, honey.

I love you.

Hi, Doug.

- Hello.
- What are you doing?

I was just serenading the peacocks.

Oh.

Would you be open enough
to doing a healing session with me?

A healing session?

It'll be very beneficial for you.

Well, that's a nice offer,

but I... I don't know if I even know
what you're talking about.

Well, just start by shutting your eyes,

and then really just focus
on your breathing.

In your nose.

Out your nose.

And if you can,

really try to connect to that little Salvo

that was afraid when you were young.

I don't even know where he is anymore.
That's so long ago.

You know, I'm in another...
I'm in another life.

Let me help you find him, okay?

Just stay with your breath.

Heal, little Salvo.

Okay, I feel better.

- You do?
- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah. Thanks.
- Okay.

- I'm gonna go to sleep.
- Okay.

- Thank you.
- Good night.

Good night. Good night, Doug.

- I'm glad I could help.
- Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. Big help.

Yesterday was a day of regrettable firsts.

I yelled at my father

and I showed my balls
to my future in-laws.

But who knows?

Maybe everybody forgot.

Well, there's the big swimmer.

Hey, did you see the full moon last night?

- Okay. Just...
- I'm talking about your butt.

All right. Ignore him.

- His butt cheeks are the full moon.
- Yes, I understand.

Um, how you doing, kiddo?

- I'm... I'm all right, uh...
- Good.

- Have you seen my dad?
- Yes.

He is out taking a walk
with Ellie, Doug and Tigger.

- A walk?
- Yes, he was... he was...

Well, here. Speak of the devil.

I says to him,
"Why would I buy you a skateboard

when I can build you one?"

Holy Mother of God.

Sleepyhead,
I was telling 'em about the time

I gave you a skateboard for Christmas.

- You remember that?
- Ah, I remember that. Yeah.

- What time did you get up anyway?
- I got up early.

I didn't wanna wake you, so I snuck out,
did my laundry, watched TV,

fixed one of their bannisters,
reorganized the spice rack.

Then when the sun came up,
I started making breakfast.

Then I went for a walk
to get to know the family.

Good people, these Collins. Good people.

- Even the commie.
- Oh, I'm a socialist.

Well, whatever you say, Che Guevara.

Oh, that's funny.

Get over here.

- What the hell's going on?
- What do you mean, "What's going on"?

I'm doin' what you asked me to do.
Making an effort, like you asked.

Yeah. Okay. No, I appreciate it.
But Jesus, the shorts.

- Yeah. So what?
- I've never seen your legs before.

Yeah, you haven't.
That's right. They're not too bad.

They look like pretzel sticks in socks.

Don't blame me. This is what
these people gave me, you know?

What can I tell you?
I want to get it. I want to join the fun.

And I feel great,

and I can't wait to see what the universe
suggests after I open my eyes.

We did a healing session together.

Yeah. Little Salvo's not afraid anymore.

- Little Salvo?
- Yeah.

I hope everyone's ready
for Family Fun Day.

- I am. I am.
- Oh, what's Family Fun Day?

- Wh...
- What, are you dense?

Everything you need to know
is in the name.

- Duh!
- Duh!

Okay.

- Salud!
- What the hell is this?

It's a big Fourth of July tradition.

There's relay races and croquet
and face painting

and a hot-dog eating contest.

It's just a lot of fun.

I know I'd asked the man
to start making an effort,

but this was crazy.

I felt like I created a monster.

Except instead of looking scary,

he was smiling, playing games,

dressing like the American flag.

All right!

The Maniscalcos.

- What's your angle here?
- No angle. I'm happy.

I'm with my family.

Say, "Fireworks."

- Fireworks.
- Chee... Firework.

It's like boccie with sticks.

All right. You wanna take a look?

- Nice.
- Right?

And the winner of this year's
Fourth of July hot-dog eating contest is

Salvo Manisculo!

My father was having a great time,

and suddenly, I was the one
who was uncomfortable.

I wanted him to make an effort,

not change who he was completely.

There he is. The MVP.

What are you doing?
Checking out your hardware?

I just figured out
how these people stay so rich.

They do everything on the cheap.

Hear that? Plastic.

Just enjoy it, will you, please?

I mean, you kicked some ass
out there today,

and I think these people
are starting to like you.

Yeah. Yeah. Come on.
They're just being polite.

I'm serious.

Bill even has a signature scent now.

- Oh, yeah? What brand?
- He won't divulge.

- He won't divulge?
- Yeah.

- Salvo.
- I wanna smell that.

Oh, my God.
I've been looking all over for you.

Um, so, my mom just got invited
to be on MSNBC in two hours.

- That's great.
- Yes.

Well, it would be, but Tyler,
well, he's in Sedona,

and I have no one to do my hair.

So we were thinking
maybe you could help her out.

I mean, that's like asking van Gogh
to draw a smiley face.

- Yes!
- Great!

Mmm.

I'd be lying to you if I told you

I didn't have my eyes
on your lustrous mane all weekend.

It's nice to finally get my hands
up in here.

Hmm. I am very grateful.

Are those cigars?

Yeah.

Can I have one?

Oh, boy.

This day just keeps getting
better and better.

Of course, you can have one.

Be my guest.

Ooh!

Only the best. Can I have one?

Oh, please join me.

Okay.

Fine.

Mmm.

You know, I never met a woman
who smokes cigars before.

Yeah?

I got hooked in the navy.

Wait a minute.

- You're military?
- Mm-hmm.

I thought you went to one
of those Ivy places.

I enlisted after graduation.

I just felt a duty to my country.

But mostly,
I did it to piss off my parents.

You?

Army.

Combat?

- Cook.
- Ah.

Well, happy Fourth to you.

You too.

You too. Salud.

Well, it's nice to have another actual vet
out here to celebrate.

Oh.

Hey.

- How's it going?
- I can't hear anything.

So they're either getting along,

or they're quietly stabbing each other.

Listen, I have great news.

- What's up?
- Okay.

That decorator that bought all my work,
they've already placed all the pieces.

They can't say where for privacy reasons,

but it probably means
that they're gonna want a lot more.

- That's great!
- Isn't it?

Wait. Why is your voice going up?

Why does your face look like that?
What's going on?

Listen, babe.

I don't know...

Voilà.

Oh.

Oh, what... what is this? What...

- Well...
- This isn't at all what I asked you to do.

Well, yeah.
You see, I-I don't really do requests.

The way I work is, I look at your face,
I get a sense of your aura, who you are,

then I let that dictate the style
that your personality demands.

- I... I am about to go on television...
- Oh, no.

...and I-I just...
I just wanted to look like myself.

Oh!

Bill, do I look horrible?

- No, no, no.
- No?

It is not horrible. It's...

- Ellie?
- Um, I... I just feel like...

I don't know what it is.

Dad, couldn't you just ditch the aura crap
and give her what she wanted?

Whoa. That's like asking Caravaggio
to go back in

and retouch up
The Beheading of Holofernes.

The what-a-who?

Can we, as a family, please force Doug
to stop wearing that organic deo...

Holy shit, Mom!

Why do you have
the exact same haircut as Salvo?

- That's it.
- Oh, my God.

I don't think so.

You look like those weird boy-girl
twins that, like, just dress the same.

Salvo, how could you do this to me?

Wait, wait, wait. First of all,
I didn't realize I was doing anything.

I mean, to me,
you look powerful, gorgeous.

You look, dare I even say it, sexy.

Well, I am supposed to go on TV
in ten minutes,

and you have made me look
like a bitter old Italian man!

Everybody, please, get out.

- Oh, sweetheart. Sweetheart.
- Go, go, go, go, go.

Mommy, maybe...

Get out!

With all due respect, Chris,

the existing policy has been working
for two decades.

Why change now?

Ah, she's kickin' ass.

She's pretty much talkin' about you.

Oh, stop being so dramatic.

You don't just make major decisions
based on instincts.

You've gotta listen
to the people you're servicing,

or someone's gonna end up dead.

- All right.
- Yeah. Okay. Maybe you got a point.

Uh, Senator Mac Arthur,
um, I actually... I'm very sorry...

- Sorry to cut you short.
- Cut me short?

Did you say, "Cut me short"?

Is that some kind of sick joke,
Chris, huh?

Uh, a-as you can see,
uh, very strong feelings,

uh, coming out of this story.

We're gonna continue
to follow its developments for you.

Listen, when this is all over,
you better apologize.

Apologize? For what?

For what? She wanted a touch-up.
You made her look like David Bowie.

What? Are you kidding me?

I gave her a do that was
very age appropriate and dignified.

She should be thanking me.

I wouldn't hold my breath, Salvo.

Oh, is she really pissed off?

When I left,
she was googling homemade poisons.

I don't know if it was for Salvo
or for herself.

I-I don't get it.

Most women would be honored
to have their hair done

by East Chicago's
three-time Hair Stylist of the Year.

That was in the '80s.

The '80s. So what?
That's the golden age of hair.

Oh, God.

Hi, Mom.

- Would you go talk to her? Say something.
- What am I gonna say?

Just say something, all right?

Hey, uh, Tig.

Tig? Uh...

Tigger.

Tigger, I just want to say
you looked so good up there on the box.

Really, really. Very, very dignified.

"On the box"?

Get on your feet and go over there.

- All right?
- All right.

Uh, Tig, uh,

I just... just wanna

tell you I'm sorry for giving you
a very high-quality hairdo

without your permission.

I heard the word "sorry."

But then you followed it up
with a compliment to yourself.

Well, if I'm being honest, I never gave
that style to anybody else before.

So I really think
your aura commands the respect

that I typically only reserve for myself.

So I am sorry that I, you know,
didn't do exactly what you asked for.

Thanks.

You know? Hey, you know what?
Let me... Let me... Let me make an offer.

I would love to make a full Italian dinner
for everybody.

- That sounds so nice.
- How about that?

And also as a thank-you
and with great appreciation

for letting us stay
in this beautiful home.

That won't be necessary.

We don't keep a lot of food here,

and the markets are closed
for the holiday.

Don't worry.

A Maniscalco always finds a way
to feed his family, right?

Yep. You got it.

I think it's a wonderful idea.

I mean, if you look like an Italian man,
why not eat like one, huh?

- No, I mean, if you... I meant Italian...
- Shut up, Bill.

I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

Everybody likes to talk
about how bad social media is...

but in this case,
it really worked out for my dad.

Senator Tigger Mac Arthur
is going viral today,

and for the first time,
for all the right reasons.

This new haircut is giving me, like,

G.I. Jane two months out of boot camp.

It's giving me gender fluidity.

It's giving me fresh, hot, gorgeous.

Whoever did that haircut,
America thanks you. Ah!

Now that Tigger's
approval rating was through the roof,

she was happy
to let my dad back under hers.

- So good.
- So, this is delicious.

I can't believe
that you put this all together

from what we have in the kitchen.

My guess is he raided the kitchen
over at The Shack.

- So, you might wanna call, uh...
- Um...

...Gloria over there,
see if you got some inventory.

Mmm, mmm.

What do you call this again, Salvo?

Carciofi pavone.

Carciofi pavone.

It is delicious.

I'm going for seconds.
Don't tell my trainer.

It's really good. I just wish
you hadn't used my bowls.

Well, you know, I used your bowls, Doug,

because I wanted to add a special
spiritual reverberation to the meal.

- So, that's why, you know?
- Okay.

Yeah.

- So, thank you for that contribution.
- Okay.

- Salvo, it's delicious.
- Delicious.

Listen, given everything you're doing
for my son, this is the least I can do.

Oh.

And I just wanna say something
that my father used to say.

The translation is,

"The family isn't
just one important thing,

it's everything."

- And I like to toast to that.
- Lovely.

- Salud!
- Salud!

- To everything.
- Salud.

- Cheers, everybody.
- Well said.

Watch it, watch it.

Oh, collision!

- Cut him off.
- Time for some more vino, huh?

- Oh, yes.
- When in Rome.

Because, you know, you guys are Italian.

- You got a problem with Italians, Bill?
- Yeah, Bill.

In... In... In...

Who got you? Come on, Bill!

I thought he was serious.

What's this?

You know, just...

...the sexiest way I can think of
to say thank you.

- Here? Are you kidding me?
- Shh.

- They're in the next room.
- Shh.

- You know I'm a screamer.
- I know.

Just come over here.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

- Pavone?
- Hmm?

- Pavone!
- What, baby?

- What?
- We gotta go inside.

- I'm gettin' eaten alive.
- What? What are you talking about?

- I saw a raccoon.
- Is that a safe word?

- There's raccoons.
- Raccoon?

- Yeah.
- Where? What raccoon?

- There's some wildlife.
- Honey, there's no raccoons.

Mmm.

Seeing my future in-laws
eat their family pet

is as close to an acid trip
as I ever wanna be.

Here comes the airplane.

Ah, no!

This Italian food's going to my head.

♪ Carciofi pavone ♪

Carciofi pavone.

Pavone.

This was proof the man was diabolical.

I murdered Sergeant Feathers.

I can't believe you fed 'em a peacock.

- How could you do this?
- Easy.

My recipe called for chicken.
All the stores were closed.

So what does a great chef do?
He improvises.

By murdering their beloved mascot?

They still got three left.
Are you kidding me?

Where we come from, it's called,

"You gotta do what you gotta do
to feed the family."

It's called the peasant mentality.

Look around, Dad.
These people aren't peasants.

And you thought I was crazy

for worrying that you were gonna make us
look like some bad Italian stereotype?

Come on. You know I'm not doing that.

Are you blind? Look at...

We are in the woods
in the middle of the night

trying to get rid of a frickin' body.

That's right.

So help me get rid of the evidence.

Why does it seem like
you've done this before?

It's dead! What are you doing?

Look at its feathers.

Night cologne?

Listen, Son,

I was just trying to help you
win this family over

by making a good meal, that's all.

Well, if this is your idea of help,
I think I'm good, Dad.

Jesus.

Why do I feel like you're trying
to wreck this for me?

Wreck it? I'm just making an effort,
like you asked me to do.

Well, it turns out the only thing worse
than you not trying is you trying.

Well, maybe to you,
but to me, these people,

they seem to like me.

Like you? If I told these people
the truth about what happened,

they'd never have us back here.

You know, why did I let Ellie
convince me to bring you here?

What do you mean, "bring me here"?
You're the one who invited me, didn't you?

Yeah, I invited you to get Grandma's ring.

I didn't know you were gonna spend
the whole time sabotaging me.

What are you talking about, sabotaging?
How could you say that?

Everything I'm doing for you,
that I've ever done for you,

is for your own good,
to give you a better life.

You love to say that,
but now that I'm gonna get it,

it's like you're trying to stop it.

Trying to stop what?

I'm tryin' to make sure
you don't make an ass out of yourself

by tryin' to be somebody you're not.

You're your own person.
You're your own man. Be your own man.

Otherwise, it's embarrassing.

Oh, man. You know what?
This is your problem.

You're so focused
on other people being embarrassed,

you can't see
who the most embarrassing person is.

It's you.

That's really what you think?

Let's just go to sleep, all right?

The next morning,
it was the Fourth of July,

which made sense, 'cause I was
finally getting my independence.

It was an amazing feeling.

But much like my signature scent,

it was a little bittersweet.

But this was the beginning of my new life.

And now that I had the ring,

it was time to make my move.

I've given this
a lot of thought over the last few days,

and on top of accepting
your very generous offer

to run the Barrymore Hotel,

I would also like to ask your permission

to propose to Ellie.

Oh.

I... That doesn't...

- I...
- Mmm.

We're kidding!

Ah.

- We got him.
- Ho!

You should've seen the look on your face.
Priceless.

- Our answer is an emphatic...
- Yes!

Oh, God.

Gee, Sebastian, we just love you.

And we just... We cannot wait
for you and Ellie to join the party in DC.

Yes. And this is perfect.

We're doing our family
Christmas card photo today.

You can propose there and then be in it!

Oh, thank God.

I was so nervous how you guys
would react to this, you know?

Especially, what's happened this weekend
with my father.

No. That dinner was wonderful.

- Ciofi-a pavone.
- Ciofi-e pavone.

- Yeah.
- Fantastic. Memorable.

Chicken al cavone.

- Ciofi al pavone.
- Fantastic.

- Never had it.
- Terrific.

- Yes.
- Don't know what's in it.

What the hell kind of elf
are you supposed to be?

I'm representing
all the holiday traditions.

Nice.

- You're as plump as a little partridge.
- Yes.

Oh, oh.

Hey, you fit right in.

Uh, I don't know.

Can I propose first
and then put on the tree costume?

- What's the difference?
- Oh, E... Ellie.

Ellie, where's your costume?

We can't do this without our reindeer.

I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna
be taking the photo this year,

because I no longer wanna be
a part of this family.

Also, Sebastian isn't taking the job,

we are not moving to DC,

and we're not gonna spend any more time
with these manipulators.

So, let's go.

- What happened?
- What's happened?

Dad, what do all of your hotels
have in common?

Five-star experience
at a three-star price.

No. The answer is their lobby art.

- Oh.
- Uh-oh.

Shall we start with the Barrymore Hotel?
Shall we?

- No, I don't need to see...
- Oh, look.

Do you notice anything familiar
about the walls?

- Well, no.
- That's my painting, isn't it?

- Yeah. Huh.
- Well, what's that? My painting.

My painting.

- Oh, yeah, my painting.
- All right.

It was your dad's idea!

- Wait. Just wait. No.
- It was your dad's idea.

One second here.

I just wanna know how you found out.
Sebastian, did you tell her?

What?

You knew about this?

Well, no, I kind of saw.

I can't believe
that you all did this to me.

Ellie, we can explain.

- We can explain.
- No, Mom!

This whole time
I thought I was selling my art

to this cool new designer,

when really my parents just hired them
to buy my work.

No, no, no, darling. No, that's not... No.

Yes. Yes, that is technically true.

I thought I was killing it
in the art world!

We just wanted you to get a jump start
in a really, really rough business.

- It's terrible out there.
- You know how rough it is.

It's what you always do. You're always...
You're just stealing our lessons.

You bribe our way onto sports teams,

you rewrite our college essays,

you hire famous rappers
to emcee our birthday parties.

- That was also not my idea.
- Okay. So what?

Now you don't like Warren G?

Look, you guys are great parents.

Don't let her guilt you
into changing your ways.

All I have ever wanted was to feel like
I was accomplishing things on my own.

And I can't believe
that you just didn't say something to me.

Sw... Sweetheart, we, um...

- Oh, my gosh. I told you.
- Well, yeah.

I'd been so focused
on trying to please Ellie's family

that I lost sight
of what I came here to do.

I had to find Ellie and make this right.

And I knew exactly where she'd be.

Permission to approach?

Place could use a remodel, huh?

I'm sorry.

I should've said somethin'.

Yeah, you should have.

Is there anything I could do
to make it up to you?

Just being in this family
is like bowling with bumpers.

It's, like, no matter what I try to do,

they're always setting up rails
to make sure that I win.

And sometimes I just want to free bowl,

because then that way,

if I bowl a strike, then that's my strike.

But if I gutter it, then that's on me too.

I understand.

You want to work hard
for your own success.

Yes.

Do you remember when you told me the story

about how Salvo taught you how to swim?

He dropped me in the middle
of Lake Michigan in November.

Listen, I know he's a pain in the ass,

but he also raised you
to be tough and resourceful.

And those are two things
I really love about you.

And I kind of wish that my parents
had raised me more like that.

And that was the moment
everything finally started to make sense.

Here I was, planning to propose
to the girl of my dreams,

and I was gonna do it
without the man who raised me?

I realized I had everything I wanted,

but not what I needed.

I gotta go do somethin' first.

- What? What?
- Trust me. Meet me at dinner.

How's he doing back there?

- Keep going, bro. I'm fine.
- Okay.

There it is. That's it.

I got you, mi hermano.

You go get him.

Hey, stop! You can't be out here!

Sir, you have to get off the tarmac! Sir!

Stop the plane.

Son,

what are you doing?

You look like you swam here.

I came here to tell you
that you're stubborn, you're cheap,

you're obnoxious,

you're severely judgmental...

Wait, wait. This is what
I'm getting off the plane for?

Dad, but the truth is

all those quirks are part
of what makes you the greatest dad

that I could ever hope for.

Okay. Now I'm listening.

Now, it ain't always easy being your son,

but the way you raised me
made me the man I am today.

The same man, for whatever the reason,
Ellie seems to love.

Could never figure that one out either,
but, you know.

You got your grandmother's ring.
What else you need from me?

I need you to be part of our lives, Dad.

- But you said I was embarrassing.
- You are.

You haven't changed one bit
since I was a kid.

You know who did? I changed.

And I think somewhere along the way,
I forgot...

...you're my hero, man.

Stop.

No. You are.

All the stuff you sacrifice.

Everything that's good in my life,
I owe it to you.

No. It's... It's...

It's that good things happen to good kids.

You're a good boy.

It's just that
I've been acting crazier lately,

because I... I...

I was so poor,
for me to give you a better life,

and now that you're gonna have it...

And I'm afraid that once you marry Ellie,

I'm gonna lose the only family I got.

Oh, Dad, you're not gonna lose me.
Don't worry.

Don't... Stop. Don't cry, Dad.

- You're gonna make me cry.
- Well, I can't help it.

- I love you, man. I love you, Dad.
- I love you too, kid.

Love you.

Are you crying?

- What?
- Are you crying?

Hell, no.

I never cry!

Wow!

I don't know why I was so scared.

- This is really beautiful.
- Yeah.

Oh, my God! We're going down!

- Oh, my God!
- I'm just kidding.

I'm going to kill you, Luck!

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to this year's
Fourth of July clambake.

Well, so far,

a very pleasant evening.

- Mmm. Mm-hmm.
- Thank you, my darling.

Such a treat.

Hats off to that new chef, huh?

Outstanding.

Of course,
you can't go wrong with lobster.

Oh, sweetie, did you lose your appetite?

Do you wanna buy me one?

All right, ladies and gentlemen.

I hope you brought
your dancing shoes tonight...

Because... Thank you, Mr. Woodrow.

Because we've got a real treat
for you guys tonight.

Please welcome,
all the way from Chicago, Illinois,

Sebastian Maniscalco.

Ellie Collins, you asked for this.

- I wonder what this is about.
- I don't know.

Eleanor Mallory Collins.

What are you doing?

Exactly what I came here to do.

Now, my father said something
really profound this weekend.

It's an old Italian saying.

"Family isn't one important thing,

it's everything."

Now, yeah, they could be embarrassing.

Smothering.

Sometimes maybe express their love
in ways that are pretty...

- Messed up.
- Exactly.

Yeah.

But at the end of the day, they're...

they're just trying to do
what's best for us.

Because they love us.

Now here, in this moment,

in front of our families...

Ellie,

will you marry me?

- Yes.
- Oh.

And there you have it, folks.

An atypical American love story

about a man reconnecting with his hero,

and two different brands
of immigrant families comin' together.

Sebastian, are you sure
you won't reconsider our offer?

- No, it's a generous offer.
- Yeah.

But Ellie and I decided to stay in Chicago
for at least a few more years.

- Oh!
- Yeah.

- I'm not saying a word.
- Heartbreaking.

- Dad, I was thinking...
- Yeah.

...since Sea Bass isn't gonna take the job,
I thought I could step up.

No more drugs?

Prescription? Mostly mine?

- A dream come true.
- All right.

- Thank you.
- That's my boy, Lucky.

Oh, I'm running a hotel.

- Hi.
- Hi, everybody.

Um, I'd like you to meet
my girlfriend Michelle.

- Hello.
- Hi, I'm Ellie.

- Hi.
- She's real.

That's my sister.

It's very nice to meet all of you.

Did you fly all the way from... from...

- Africa?
- ...Africa...

...to be with Doug?

Oh, well, I love Doug.

But I'm actually here
on a Fulbright scholarship.

She's very smart.

Very nice.

Well, we're just so happy to meet you.
Lovely.

- Yes. You could sit...
- Mom. Dad.

- Yes. Yes.
- Where are we gonna go?

- Right this way.
- Yeah, we gotta get our picture taken.

Don't say
that I never did nothin' for you.

♪ Pa pa l'americano ♪

- Ah.
- Oh.

How would you two feel
about having the wedding

in our chapel in DC?

DC? No.

- Let's have it in Sicily.
- Oh, Sicily.

In my grandfather's garden.
That's where you should...

I was thinking like Napa,

because I found this place
that has a big wine glass.

And you can do the whole ceremony
in the wine glass.

Duke! Duke! No!
What do you have in your mouth?

Duke murdered a peacock.

♪ Pa pa l'americano ♪

♪ Fa l'americano ♪

♪ Pa pa l'americano ♪

♪ Whiskey soda e rockenroll ♪

♪ Whiskey soda e rockenroll ♪