All language subtitles for The.1.Feminine.Touch.1941.W.S.Van.Dyke

I REALIZE, GENTLEMEN,

THAT YOU'VE ALL TAKEN AN OATH
TO GIVE UP SHAVING

UNTIL SUCH TIME
AS OUR FOOTBALL TEAM

TRIUMPHS OVER THAT
OF LAUREL COLLEGE.

HOWEVER, I WAS NOT AWARE THAT
YOU HAVE ALSO BOUND YOURSELVES

TO BOYCOTT
ALL MENTAL ACTIVITY AS WELL.

THIS RENUNCIATION OF KNOWLEDGE
ON YOUR PART IS ADDED EVIDENCE

OF THE POINT I'VE BEEN
TRYING TO MAKE,

AIDED BY YOUR ENTHUSIASTIC
AND COMPLETE LACK OF INTEREST.

RUBBER-LEGS.
PSST.

MR. RYAN...

PERHAPS I BORE YOU?

WHO-ME? NO.
GO RIGHT AHEAD.

THANK YOU.

FAR BE IT FROM ME TO
STIFLE ANY CREATIVE TREND,

EVEN SO PRIMITIVE
AN ART AS WOODCARVING.

OH, COME NOW, MR. RYAN.

SUCH MODESTY ILL BEFITS
AN ALL-AMERICAN TACKLE.

MRS. "H," I TAKE IT, WOULD BE
MRS. HATHAWAY, MY WIFE, HUH?

WELL, UH, I-

OH, NOW, DON'T SPOIL IT BY
BEING EMBARRASSED, MR. RYAN.

LOVE IS A PRIMARY EMOTION
COMMON TO ALL FORMS OF ANIMAL

AND SOME
OF VEGETABLE LIFE.

ORCHIDS, CATFISH, AND
LEFT TACKLES ALL FEEL LOVE.

WELL, GENTLEMEN,

THERE'S A MUCH GRAVER
PROBLEM CONFRONTING US...

THAT IS, HOW YOU'RE
GOING TO AVOID READING 20 PAGES

OF SHILLINGKOPF
ON PSYCHOLOGY TONIGHT

AND STILL FOOL ME TOMORROW.

GOOD AFTERNOON.

MR. RYAN, MAY I SEE YOU
A MOMENT, PLEASE?

RUBBER-LEGS, WITHOUT YOU
IN THE GAME SATURDAY,

WE'D HAVE A HARD TIME
BEATING LAUREL, WOULDN'T WE?

HUH?
ARE YOU KIDDING?

WELL, THEY'D TEAR
DOWN THE STADIUM.

THEN MAYBE THEY'D REBUILD THE LIBRARY
THEY TORE DOWN TO BUILD THE STADIUM.

IN EXAMINATION YESTERDAY,
YOU TURNED IN A BLANK PAPER,

EXCEPT FOR YOUR THUMBPRINTS.

I COULDN'T EVEN GIVE YOU
5 FOR NEATNESS.

YOU MEAN YOU AIN'T
GONNA PASS ME?

OH,
YOU DON'T LIKE ME.

RUBBER-LEGS,
I ADORE YOU.

I'LL BET IT'S BECAUSE YOU SAW
WHAT I CARVED IN THE CHAIR.

YOU'RE BURNED UP.

BY THAT, YOU IMPLY THAT MY
REACTION WAS ONE OF JEALOUSY.

NO, RUBBER-LEGS...
AND NEVER.

JEALOUSY WENT OUT OF STYLE
WITH THE FLYING WEDGE.

MRS. HATHAWAY AND I-

MY WIFE... SHE'S
ARRIVING IN 5 MINUTES.

I'VE GOT TO GO
TO THE TRAIN.

PROFESSOR HATHAWAY,

DEAN HUTCHINSON WOULD LIKE TO
SEE YOU IN HIS OFFICE IMMEDIATELY.

BUT MY WIFE.
I'VE GOT TO MEET HER.

THE DEAN SAID
IT WAS MOST URGENT.

TELL HIM
I'LL BE THERE.

RUBBER-LEGS-

COME IN.

AH, HATHAWAY.

YOU SENT FOR ME?

YES, HATHAWAY.
SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN.

IT'S ABOUT
CRAZY-LEGS RYAN.

RUBBER-LEGS RYAN.

HA HA! I WAS THINKING
OF CRAZY-LEGS BILBALL.

OH, GREAT END. SORRY
TO SEE HIM GRADUATE.

HE DIDN'T. HE JUST PLAYED
3 YEARS AND MOVED ON.

OH. HATHAWAY, WE MUST NEVER
SUBORDINATE OUR ACADEMIC STANDARD

TO OUR ATHLETIC PROWESS.

WE MUST BEAR IN MIND THAT FOR
WHICH DIGBY COLLEGE STANDS.

AND DIGBY COLLEGE
HAS STOOD FOR PLENTY.

UH, SO...

HATHAWAY...

THE TRUSTEES OF THIS COLLEGE ARE
- HOW SHALL I SAY?

PRACTICAL MEN.

THEIR INTEREST IN
CRAZY-LEGS- RUBBER-LEGS-

IS NOT THE PEDAGOGICAL ONE THAT WE HAVE.

IT SEEMS THAT
THEY ARE DETERMINED

TO BEAT LAUREL COLLEGE THIS SATURDAY,

AND, UH, THEREFORE-

SHALL I JUST CHANGE
HIS MARK TO A PASSING GRADE,

OR MUST WE GO THROUGH THE
FORMALITY OF A REEXAMINATION?

PROFESSOR HATHAWAY, CHANGING
HIS MARK WOULD BE CHEATING.

UH...

JUST WHAT TYPE
OF EXAMINATION

WERE YOU PLANNING
TO GIVE HIM?

I IMAGINE SOMETHING IN ONE
SYLLABLE, NO WRITING, AND SHORT.

UH-HUH.

WELL, WHATEVER
YOU SAY.

WE HAVE COMPLETE FAITH
IN YOU, OF COURSE.

THESE ARE TROUBLESOME DAYS, HATHAWAY.

WE MEN OF LEARNING MUST LIVE PRACTICALLY

IN
A PRACTICAL WORLD.

WE MUST
FACE REALITIES,

EVEN AT THE COST,
EVERY NOW AND THEN,

OF A SMALL IDEAL.

I FOUND THAT OUT A LONG
TIME AGO, DEAN HUTCHINSON.

EVEN PROFESSORS MUST EAT,

AND THEIR WIVES WELCOME
AN OCCASIONAL BURLAP DRESS,

AND THEY BOTH PREFER SOMETHING
REASONABLY WARM FOR WINTER

AND SOMETHING BETWEEN
THEM AND THE RAIN.

REST YOUR MIND
ABOUT RUBBER-LEGS.

HE'LL BE THERE
AT THE KICKOFF.

HEIL, FOOTBALL!

SURE HAVE MISSED YOU
AROUND HERE, MRS. HATHAWAY.

HOW ARE THINGS
BACK IN CANVILLE?

I HEAR THEY ONLY WON
2 OUT OF 7 GAMES.

THAT'S BECAUSE
THEY SHAVE EVERY DAY.

IS YOUR MOTHER A TEACHER
THERE OR SOMETHING?

I MEAN, IN CANVILLE.

SHE RUNS
A BOARDINGHOUSE.

A BOARDINGHOUSE?

THEN HOW'D YOU EVER
COME TO MARRY A PROFESSOR

LIKE
PROFESSOR HATHAWAY?

HE LIVED
AT THE BOARDINGHOUSE.

AND WHAT'S SO STRANGE ABOUT
MY MARRYING A PROFESSOR?

OH, WELL,
I JUST THOUGHT-

I MEAN, WELL, SOMEBODY
LIKE YOU AND A PROFESSOR.

I MEAN, YOU'RE...

WELL, PROFESSORS' WIVES
DON'T ALWAYS LOOK LIKE YOU.

HA HA!

AND PROFESSORS DON'T ALWAYS
LOOK LIKE MY HUSBAND EITHER.

YEAH, I KNOW, BUT HE
ACTS LIKE A PROFESSOR.

IMAGINE BEING
TIED UP WITH A DEAN

WHEN HE COULD
BE MEETING YOU?

OH, I'M SURE HE THINKS I'M
MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN THE DEAN.

HO HO HO! ANYWAY, IT
WAS A GREAT BREAK FOR ME,

HIM ASKING ME
TO CALL FOR YOU.

IT'S VERY NICE
OF YOU, RUBBER-LEGS,

AND YOU MISSING
FOOTBALL PRACTICE-

DON'T THINK I DON'T
APPRECIATE IT.

OH, HECK, I DON'T
NEED NO PRACTICE.

OH, HECK,
EITHER DO I.

OH.

GOOD-BYE.

JULIE!

OH, DARLING!

DARLING.

OH, JULIE, IT'S SO WONDERFUL TO
HAVE YOU BACK. I MISSED YOU SO MUCH.

MISSED ME... YOU HARDLY KNEW I WAS GONE.

NO. WAIT TILL YOU
SEE THE KITCHEN.

YOU HAD THAT TIE ON
WHEN I LEFT.

WELL,
IT'S A NICE TIE.

AND THAT SUIT. NOW,
WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING,

SLEEPING IN IT...
WHEN YOU SLEPT?

NOW, DON'T START
ON THAT.

WHAT TIME DID YOU GO
TO BED LAST NIGHT?

11:00. JOHN!

WELL, MAYBE IT WAS
NEARER 12:00.

AND MAYBE IT WAS NEARER
4:00, AND YOU PROMISED ME

YOU WOULDN'T STAY UP ALL
NIGHT WORKING ON THAT BOOK:

JEALOUSY AND ALL ITS APPLICATIONS
AND UNIVERSAL ASPECTS.

NO. JEALOUSY AND ALL ITS ASPECTS
AND UNIVERSAL APPLICATIONS.

I KNOW. THAT'S
WHAT I SAID.

NO, JULIE, IT ISN'T.

WELL, THEN IT ISN'T. OH,
JOHN, DARLING, I LOVE YOU.

EVER SINCE YOU WALKED INTO
MY MOTHER'S BOARDINGHOUSE...

AND SINCE THE FIRST TIME
YOU BURNED YOUR MOUTH

BECAUSE YOU FORGOT THE COFFEE
WAS TOO HOT, I HAVE LOVED YOU.

I DON'T KNOW HOW I
LIVED BEFORE I MET YOU.

RIGHT.

SO, WHEN MOTHER ASKED YOU
NOT TO STAY UP ALL NIGHT

WRITING
ON THAT BOOK,

SHE HAS A REASON FOR ASKING
AND WANTS YOU TO DO AS SHE SAYS.

ONE MORE GOOD
NIGHT'S WORK WILL FINISH IT.

I'M SURE IT'S
A VERY GOOD BOOK,

AND IF I COULD UNDERSTAND IT, WHY,
I'M SURE I'D LIKE IT VERY MUCH.

INTO THE MAIL
IT GOES

RIGHT STRAIGHT TO ELLIOTT
MORGAN, INCORPORATED,

PUBLISHER EXTRAORDINARY
OF EXTRAORDINARY BOOKS.

MOM ALWAYS SAYS
PEOPLE READING BOOKS

IS WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THE WORLD.

YOUR MOTHER'S WORLD IS THE SMALL
PERFECT ONE OF THE TRULY ILLITERATE.

MY MOTHER
IS A FINE WOMAN.

WHY, NOW, DARLING,
SHE'S A SAINT.

JULIE, IF MORGAN
PUBLISHES MY BOOK

AND IF BY SOME COCKEYED MIRACLE,
IT SELLS, YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

WE CAN GET OUT OF HERE.

LEAVE DIGBY?

FAR BEHIND US. LEAVE DIGBY
- THE COLLEGE, THE TOWN,

AND THE STATE OF MIND.

NO MORE
DISHONEST THINKING.

WE'LL LIVE IN A WORLD
WITHOUT BEARDS.

OH, DARLING. NO MORE
BEARDS. I HATE BEARDS.

I'LL SHAVE
TWICE A DAY.

I'LL EVEN
TAKE THIS OFF.

OH, THAT DOESN'T COUNT. THAT'S CUTE.

WE'LL GO AND CHEER FOR FOOTBALL
TEAMS AND LET STUDENTS PLAY,

AND RUBBER-LEGS RYAN WILL
BECOME JUST A NASTY MEMORY.

IT WAS SWEET OF YOU
TO SEND HIM FOR ME.

SEND HIM FOR YOU?

HMM. TO MEET ME.

WHY, HE SAID YOU
HAD TO SEE THE DEAN.

WELL, THAT'S TRUE,
BUT...

HUH. THAT'S LOVE
FOR YOU.

I'D CALL IT PUPPY LOVE
IF GORILLAS HAD PUPPIES.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN-
LOVE?

WELL, RUBBER-LEGS
IS SMITTEN.

I CAUGHT HIM THIS AFTERNOON
CARVING YOUR INITIALS INTO HIS DESK.

CARVING MY-
WELL, THE NERVE!

WHAT DID YOU DO?

DO?

WEREN'T YOU ANGRY?

NO, NO. I USED TO GET MAD WHEN
THEY DIDN'T PAY ATTENTION IN CLASS,

BUT NOT ANYMORE.

AFTER CLASS, HE ACCUSED
ME OF BEING JEALOUS.

OF COURSE, I TOLD HIM
THAT WAS UTTERLY IMPOSSIBLE.

UTTERLY.

YEAH. THAT'S WHERE WE HAVE
IT OVER THE REST OF THEM,

HAVEN'T WE, JULIE?

NONE OF THOSE SILLY EMOTIONAL
CRISES IN OUR LIVES, ARE THERE?

NO, SIR.
NOT US.

WE LIVE
BY THE BOOK!

WELL, NOW...

NOW, JULIE...

OH, AREN'T YOU GOING TO ASK ME
WHAT SORT OF A TIME I HAD BACK HOME?

WHAT SORT OF A TIME
DID YOU HAVE?

I HAD THE BEST TIME
I'VE HAD IN AGES.

THE HOUSE WAS FILLED WITH NEW
STUDENTS AND YOUNG PROFESSORS.

AND THE WAY THEY TOOK AFTER ME,
YOU'D THINK I WAS THE ONLY WOMAN

IN THE WORLD.

REALLY? DID YOU
GO DANCING A LOT?

EVERY NIGHT.
EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.

OUT TO DINNER
AND THE MOVIES,

AND SOMETIMES WE JUST SAT ON
THE HAMMOCK ON THE BACK PORCH.

YOU REMEMBER
THE BACK PORCH, JOHN.

THE BACK PORCH?

THAT'S WHERE YOU
ASKED ME TO MARRY YOU!

OH, WAS THAT
THE BACK PORCH?

AND GUESS
WHO I RAN INTO.

WELL, I DIDN'T EXACTLY RUN INTO HIM.

MATTER OF FACT,
HE CALLED ME UP

THE FIRST 10 MINUTES I WAS IN TOWN
- BOB JORDAN.

WHO?

BOB JORDAN.

WELL, WHO'S
BOB JORDAN?

YOU KNOW PERFECTLY
WELL WHO BOB JORDAN IS.

OH. OH, YOU MEAN THE FAT LITTLE
ASSISTANT IN THE SCIENCE LAB.

NO. I MEAN THE MAN
I WAS ENGAGED TO

WHEN
YOU CAME TO TOWN.

HE'S BIG AND BLOND, AND HE HAS
HIS OWN FILLING STATION NOW.

OH, YES, HIM. YEAH.
HE'S VERY NICE, YES.

AND, JOHN... HE'S STILL IN LOVE WITH ME.

OH, HE MUST BE VERY UNHAPPY,
POOR FELLOW. I'M SORRY FOR HIM.

WELL, HE'S NOT SORRY
FOR YOU!

HE HATES THE VERY
SOUND OF YOUR NAME.

HE'S SO JEALOUS, I THINK HE'D
KILL YOU IF HE EVER MET YOU!

THERE YOU HAVE IT... THE PERFECT
EXAMPLE OF WHAT I'VE BEEN WRITING ABOUT.

NOW, YOU TAKE THIS
BOB WHAT'S-HIS-NAME.

BOB JORDAN!

BOB JORDAN.

AS I REMEMBER HIM, A PERFECTLY
NORMAL UNCOMPLICATED YOUNG MAN.

NOW HE'S ON THE VERGE OF
BECOMING A HOMICIDAL MANIAC. WHY?

BECAUSE HE LOVES ME.

BECAUSE HE'S JEALOUS.

HE'S JEALOUS
BECAUSE HE LOVES ME!

THE ONE HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH THE OTHER.

HERE. IT'S RIGHT HERE
IN THE BOOK. LISTEN.

UH...

HERE. UH...

"LOVE IS BORNE OF TRUST,
JEALOUSY, OF MISTRUST.

"JUST AS THE PERFECT HUMAN RELATIONSHIP
BEGINS TO DETERIORATE UNDER MISTRUST,

"SO ALSO MUST IT COLLAPSE
THROUGH JEALOUSY.

"THE SOCIAL ORDER WHICH HAS
FINALLY AND COMPLETELY ELIMINATED

"THE JEALOUSY OF MAN FOR
WOMAN, OF FAMILY FOR FAMILY,

"OF CLASS FOR CLASS,
AND COUNTRY FOR COUNTRY-

THAT SOCIAL ORDER WILL BE
THE ULTIMATE AND PERFECT ONE."

YOU SEE?

NO.

WHAT DON'T YOU SEE?

I DON'T SEE WHY YOU'RE
NOT JEALOUS OF BOB JORDAN.

WELL,
I JUST TOLD YOU.

YOU READ ME SOMETHING OUT OF A BOOK.

MY FATHER NEVER READ
A BOOK IN HIS LIFE,

AND HE LOVED
MY MOTHER,

AND HE WOULDN'T LET MY
MOTHER LOOK AT ANOTHER MAN!

AND WHAT WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOUR FATHER
IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME, IS THAT RIGHT?

AND GOOD ENOUGH FOR
MY GRANDFATHER, TOO!

YOUR GRANDFATHER WAS
A NOTORIOUS WIFE BEATER.

MY GRANDMOTHER
NEVER COMPLAINED,

NOR DID HER MOTHER
COMPLAIN EITHER.

WELL, IF YOU GO BACK
FAR ENOUGH,

YOU'LL FIND THEY ALL LIVED IN TREES
AND THREW COCONUTS AT ONE ANOTHER.

THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD
IS A HISTORY OF PROGRESS.

WHY MUST MARRIAGE REMAIN THE
SAME AS IT WAS IN THE DARK AGES?

BECAUSE MEN AND
WOMEN ARE THE SAME!

DO YOU WANT TO
THROW COCONUTS?

YES!

DO YOU WANT
TO BEAT ME! YES!

WELL,
THEN GO AHEAD.

OH, YOU!

ATTA GIRL.
IT'S ALL OVER NOW.

I'M SO ASHAMED.

OH, NONSENSE.

IT'S JUST THAT YOU'RE ALWAYS RIGHT

AND I'M
ALWAYS WRONG.

THAT'S JUST
ONE OF THOSE THINGS.

AND, JOHN, I LIED TO YOU, TOO.

I DIDN'T GO OUT
EVERY NIGHT.

I DIDN'T GO OUT
AT ALL.

I JUST STAYED HOME WITH
MOM AND PLAYED GIN RUMMY.

AND, JOHN?

YES?

I SAW BOB JORDAN
JUST ONCE.

HMM. HE'S
AN AWFUL STUPE.

BOB JORDAN?
WHO'S BOB JORDAN?

OHH...

RUBBER-LEGS, DO YOU HAVE ANYONE
VERY NEAR AND DEAR TO YOU,

SOMEONE
WHO LOVES YOU?

WELL, THE COACH.

HA HA HA HA!

THEN FOR HIS SAKE
AND YOURS,

FOR THE DEAN
AND FOR DIGBY...

FOR THE SPORTSWRITERS OF
AMERICA AND 3 RADIO NETWORKS,

RUBBER-LEGS,
TRY TO THINK.

WELL, THIS AIN'T GONNA BE
A TOUGH EXAM, IS IT?

I GAVE IT TO MICKEY, THE
JANITOR'S 6- YEAR-OLD SON.

HE PASSED
WITH A GRADE OF 98.

HE'S A PRETTY SMART KID,
THAT MICKEY.

HMM.

WHAT DO YOU
SEE HERE?

OH, I SEE
SOME STUFF.

THAT'S QUITE RIGHT.
THAT'S VERY GOOD.

BUT CAN YOU
IDENTIFY IT?

WHAT IS THIS,
FOR INSTANCE?

A BLOCK.
A KID'S BLOCK.

THAT'S CORRECT. EINSTEIN
COULDN'T HAVE DONE BETTER.

EINSTEIN?

IS HE ONE
OF THE FIGHTING IRISH?

NOT YET. AND THIS?

WELL,
THAT'S A CARAMEL.

IS IT
A CHOCOLATE CARAMEL?

WE SHALL SEE. NOW, WHICH
WOULD YOU RATHER EAT-

THIS BLOCK OR
THIS PIECE OF CANDY?

OH-

CAREFUL.
CAREFUL NOW.

I LIKE THIS EXAM.
GIVE ME THE CANDY.

WAIT.

IF YOU DON'T TAKE THE PAPER
OFF FIRST, YOU LOSE 10 POINTS.

OH, THAT'S THE BEST PART
OF THE CARAMEL.

DO I PASS?

WELL, FOR APPEARANCE'S SAKE,
LET'S FINISH THE EXAMINATION FIRST.

OH, DO WE HAVE TO GO
AND DO SOME MORE?

I GOT A HEADACHE.

SOMEBODY KICK YOU
IN THE HEAD?

NO. I GOT IT
FROM THINKING.

THINKING ALWAYS
GIVES ME A HEADACHE.

THAT'S FROM USING MUSCLES
YOU'VE NEVER USED BEFORE.

WE'LL CONTINUE.

WELL, THE DEAN SAID IF I GOT
A HEADACHE, WE COULD STOP.

WHAT MADE THE DEAN SUSPECT
YOU MIGHT GET A HEADACHE?

SUSPECT?
IT WAS HIS IDEA.

GOOD MORNING, PROFESSOR.

GOOD MORNING,
CRAZY-LEGS.

AND HOW IS OUR
LITTLE QUIZ PROGRESSING?

RUBBER-LEGS IS A
REGULAR LITTLE QUIZ KID.

WON'T YOU
JOIN US?

I GOT A HEADACHE,
DEAN.

HEADACHE?

PERHAPS THE BOY
ISN'T WELL.

BUT YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, AREN'T YOU?

OH, OF COURSE, PROFESSOR. I FEEL FINE.

IN THAT CASE, I'D LIKE TO
ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS.

I WAS UNDER AN IMPRESSION THAT
MR. RYAN WAS BEING EXAMINED.

CAN I GO NOW?

YOU STAY RIGHT THERE.

THE FIRST QUESTION, WHICH DO
YOU CONSIDER MORE IMPORTANT-

EDUCATION OR FOOTBALL? THE
SHEEPSKIN OR THE PIGSKIN?

MY DEAR HATHAWAY.

ANSWER MY QUESTION!

HE'S
BLOWN HIS TOPPER.

WHY,
EDUCATION, OF COURSE.WRONG!

YOU SHOULD
HAVE SAID FOOTBALL.

I'VE HAD
QUITE ENOUGH OF THIS.

YOU'D SAY LIBERAL
EDUCATION, WOULDN'T YOU?

OF COURSE I WOULD!

WRONG AGAIN!
YOU BOTH FLUNK!

I DIDN'T
ANSWER WRONG. HE DID!

HATHAWAY, I SUPPOSE
YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS.

PERFECTLY! IT MEANS
I'M THROUGH!

THROUGH RUNNING
A CULTURAL SIDESHOW

FOR PHYSICAL GIANTS
AND MENTAL FREAKS!

IT MEANS I'M GOING
TO NEW YORK

AND PROBABLY
STARVE TO DEATH,

BUT I'D RATHER STARVE THAN EAT THE CROW

THEY'RE
SERVING AROUND HERE.

AND, FINALLY, IT MEANS THAT NOBODY
WILL SHAVE HERE TILL NEXT YEAR

BECAUSE RUBBER-LEGS
WON'T PLAY SATURDAY

AND LAUREL
WILL BEAT DIGBY!

HEY, WHO DOES
HE THINK HE IS?

AN HONEST MAN,
YOU BIG-MUSCLED PINHEAD!

JULIE.

JULIE?

GOOD MORNING.

IS THIS THE PLACE WE RENTED LAST NIGHT
BECAUSE WE THOUGHT IT LOOKED QUAINT?

NOW, IT'S GOING
TO BE CUTE.

MOM USED TO SAY
I COULD DO MORE

WITH A COUPLE
OF YARDS OF CHINTZ

AND A GALLON OF PAINT THAN ANYBODY-

DOES THAT GO ON
ALL DAY?

ONLY EARLY IN THE MORNING, THEY TELL ME.

JULIE, WHY DID I
EVER DO THIS TO YOU?

YOU SMELL
THAT COFFEE?

NOW, THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH YOU

THAT A GOOD CUP
OF COFFEE WON'T FIX.

LET'S GO BACK
TO DIGBY.

I'LL SAY I MADE A MISTAKE,
RUBBER-LEGS PASSED.

I'LL PLEAD INSANITY.

IT'S WHAT IT WAS-
INSANITY.

I HAD A JOB,
A GOOD JOB.

YOU HAD NOTHING
OF THE SORT.

YOU HAD COBWEBS IN YOUR
HEAD AND NO SELF-RESPECT,

AND WE WERE BOTH UP
TO OUR CHINS IN BEARDS.

NOW, THIS IS YOUR
CHANCE TO BE FREE,

AND IT'S MY CHANCE
TO GET A NEW HAT.

NOW GET DRESSED.
WE'RE ON OUR WAY.

YEAH.
WE'RE ON OUR WAY.

I WISH SOMEBODY
WOULD EXPLAIN TO ME

WHY I HAD TO CHOOSE THE
ELLIOTT MORGAN PUBLISHING HOUSE.

BECAUSE
IT'S THE BEST.

WHO SAYS I'M GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE BEST?

I SAY YOU'RE TOO GOOD.
OVER HERE, DARLING.

AND WHO SAYS ELLIOTT MORGAN
IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?

BE SURE YOU WEAR A BLUE
NECKTIE. IT BRINGS OUT YOUR EYES.

I CAME TO NEW YORK TO BE AN
AUTHOR, NOT A ZIEGFELD GIRL.

IT WON'T HURT YOU
TO LOOK PRETTY.

LOOK, JULIE...
WHY DON'T YOU GO ON?

I'LL STAY HERE
AND CLEAN UP.

NO ONE'S GOING TO BITE YOU,
DARLING, AND IF THEY DO,

MOTHER WILL BE THERE
TO BITE RIGHT BACK.

WHERE DID I EVER GET THE WONDERFUL
IDEA OF WANTING TO MARRY YOU?

WHERE DID YOU EVER GET THE
IDEA THAT YOU GOT THE IDEA

OF WANTING
TO MARRY ME?

AH, NO. TOO HOT.

YOU TELL ME
WHEN, HMM?

I'LL TELL YOU WHEN.

THE HOUSE
THAT BOOKS BUILT.

WHO, UH...
WHAT ARE THEY?

OH, THOSE ARE 5 CONVICTS WHO
ESCAPED FROM DEVIL'S ISLAND.

THEY WROTE
A BESTSELLER FOR US,

AND NOW THEY'RE TRYING TO FIGURE
OUT A WAY TO GET BACK ON THE ISLAND

SO THEY CAN WRITE
A SEQUEL.

DID YOU WANT
TO SEE SOMEONE?

MR. MORGAN, PLEASE.

WELL, I'M AFRAID
HE'S BUSY.

PERHAPS MISS WOODS
COULD SEE YOU.

WILL YOU WAIT
IN THE LIBRARY?

WON'T YOU SIT DOWN?

THANK YOU.

SOMEDAY THIS ROOM WILL HAVE
NOTHING IN IT BUT YOUR BOOKS.

THEY'LL PROBABLY GO ON
PUBLISHING OTHER WRITERS, TOO.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I KNEW A FELLA ONCE

WHO WROTE A BOOK AND
WAS NEVER PUBLISHED.

THIS IS QUITE
A WAITING ROOM.

WHERE'S
LITERARY DIGEST?

NEVER HEARD OF A WAITING ROOM
WITHOUT LITERARY DIGEST IN IT.

THEN IT MUST BE HERE
SOMEWHERE.

I JUST REMEMBERED.

LITERARY DIGEST HASN'T BEEN
PUBLISHED FOR THE LAST 4 OR 5 YEARS.

YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT'S THE LAST
TIME YOU WERE IN A WAITING ROOM?

WELL, I-

AND ALL THE TIME YOU PROMISED ME
YOU WERE GOING TO SEE THE DENTIST,

YOU NEVER WENT AT ALL?

JULIE,
SOMEBODY-

AND DR. POTTER
- HE WAS SUCH A GOOD DENTIST.

PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE
TO TRY MINE.

I'M NELLIE WOODS,
MR. MORGAN'S ASSISTANT.

YOU KNOW, IT'S A FUNNY
THING ABOUT DENTISTS.

EVERYBODY
IN THE WORLD

THINKS THAT THEIR DENTIST
IS THE BEST DENTIST.

DID YOU WANT TO SEE
MR. MORGAN?

IF YOU PLEASE,
YES.

WELL, I'M AFRAID
THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE.

MR. MORGAN IS LOCKED IN
FOR THE REST OF THE DAY

WITH A MANUSCRIPT. MAYBE I CAN HELP YOU.

WELL, I'M JOHN HATHAWAY,
AND THIS IS MRS. HATHAWAY.

WE SENT A BOOK.

JOHN HATHAWAY.
BUT OF COURSE.

I JUST STARTED A LETTER
TO YOU ABOUT YOUR BOOK.

YOU KNOW, THE TITLE
ALMOST SCARED ME OFF-

JEALOUSY IN ALL ITS ASPECTS
AND UNIVERSAL APPLICATIONS.

JEALOUSY IN ALL ITS APPLICATIONS
AND UNIVERSAL ASPECTS.

NO, DARLING.
SHE WAS RIGHT.

OH, WAS SHE?
HE'S VERY BRILLIANT.

OH, I'M SURE
HE IS.

NOW, OF COURSE
YOU REALIZE

THAT WE DON'T GO IN FOR
THE SCHOLARLY APPROACH-

HE CAN'T HELP
BEING SMART.

AND THE SUBJECT MATTER
ISN'T QUITE OUR DISH-

WELL, OF COURSE, IF
IT'S TOO GOOD FOR YOU-

BUT THEN THERE
IS AN ANGLE.

NOW, YOU HAVE A CHAPTER
ON MARITAL JEALOUSY.

IF YOU COULD
EXPAND THAT,

IN FACT, MAKE IT
PRACTICALLY THE ENTIRE BOOK.

OH, BUT THAT'S JUST
ONE UNIMPORTANT PHASE OF IT.

WHAT'S JEALOUSY
BETWEEN MAN AND WOMAN

COMPARED WITH THAT OF COUNTRIES,
RELIGIONS, AND CLASSES?

IT SELLS BOOKS,
FOR ONE THING-

THE OLD LOVE THEME.

HE'S WONDERFUL
AT LOVE.

OH, YES.
I'M SURE HE IS.

WHY, I HAVE NO SCRIPT WITH ME JUST NOW-

HERE'S A CARBON.

OH, FINE. UM... I'D LIKE TO
CHECK THROUGH THIS WITH YOU.

OH, PERHAPS YOU'D
COME INTO MY OFFICE.

I HAVE ALL MY NOTES
THERE, AND-

OH, BY ALL MEANS. YOU
DON'T MIND, DO YOU, DARLING?

SHOPTALK ALWAYS
BORES YOU SO.

YES, IT DOES. NO, I DON'T
MIND. GO RIGHT AHEAD.

MAYBE YOU'D LIKE
A MAGAZINE.

OH, NO, NO.
I CAN TAKE BOOKS.

SOME OF THOSE MUST
HAVE PICTURES IN THEM.

OH. COME ALONG,
WILL YOU?

AND, JOHN...

DON'T SIGN ANYTHING
UNLESS I READ IT.

HA.

OH, RATS!

WHO'S OUT THERE?

NOBODY'S OUT
ANYWHERE.

I'M IN HERE,
AND I WANT OUT!

OH, MISS WOODS!

DON'T CALL HER. FOR PITY'S
SAKES, DON'T CALL HER.

WHY NOT?

SHE LOCKED ME
IN HERE.

MAYBE SHE KNEW
WHAT SHE WAS DOING.

LADY,
WHOEVER YOU ARE,

YOU SOUND
LIKE A WOMAN

WITH AN UNDERSTANDING HEART.

THAT'S BECAUSE I'M
TALKING THROUGH A DOOR.

LOOK, PLEASE UNLOCK
THAT DOOR AND LET ME OUT.

I'M-I'M A SICK MAN.
I'VE GOT CLAUSTROPHOBIA.

MAYBE THAT'S WHY
YOU WERE LOCKED IN.

CLAUSTROPHOBIA- FEAR
OF CLOSED-IN SPACES.

I'VE GOT IT BAD!

BEAVER!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU'LL FIND ME ETERNALLY-

UH... YOU'VE...

WELL...

WON'T YOU, UM...

STEP INTO MY OFFICE, LITTLE FLY?

IN THERE? I THOUGHT YOU JUST SAID
YOU HAD FEAR OF CLOSED-IN SPACES.

I'VE GOT
AGORAPHOBIA, TOO-

FEAR OF OPEN SPACES.

YOU'VE GOT IT COMING
AND GOING, HAVEN'T YOU?

ISN'T IT AWFUL? I'M JUST
COVERED WITH NEUROSIS.

AND HAIR.
NOW STOP KIDDING ME.

WHO ARE YOU?

THAT IS MY OFFICE.

MISS WOODS, WHO IS A DICTATOR
AT HEART, LOCKED ME IN THERE.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO
READ A MANUSCRIPT

ABOUT JEALOUSY
AND ALL ITS ASPECTS.

AND UNIVERSAL
APPLICATIONS.

WELL, YOU MUST BE JOHN
HATHAWAY. WHY IS YOUR NAME JOHN?

IT'S NOT. IT'S JULIE. MY HUSBAND IS
JOHN HATHAWAY. HE'S IN WITH MISS WOODS.

AND I'M WITH YOU. NOW, CAN'T
WE LET WELL ENOUGH ALONE?

I'D LIKE TO
HAVE YOU MEET HIM.

I DON'T WANT
TO MEET HIM.

IT'LL CHEAPEN OUR RELATIONSHIP,
MY KNOWING YOUR HUSBAND.

WHO LET YOU OUT?

THERE ARE LAWS AGAINST
LOCKING PEOPLE IN ROOMS.

AND THERE ARE LAWS

THAT KEEP CERTAIN PEOPLE
FROM RUNNING LOOSE.

I DON'T BLAME YOU.
ISN'T IT RIDICULOUS?

MAKES HIM LOOK
LIKE A GOAT.

SHAKESPEARE
WORE A BEARD.

NO COMMENT.

THIS IS THE AUTHOR WHOSE BOOK
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO READ.

PROFESSOR HATHAWAY, THIS IS
MR. ELLIOTT MORGAN, PROPRIETOR.

HOW DO YOU DO?

EXCUSE ME.
ABOUT YOUR BOOK-

AND THIS IS
MRS. HATHAWAY.

I ASSUME BY NOW THAT YOU'RE OLD FRIENDS.

WE'VE MET,
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN.

IT'S NOT
WHAT HE MEANS.

MISS WOODS HAS BEEN TELLING
ME HER IDEAS ABOUT THE BOOK.

I AGREE TO A CERTAIN EXTENT,
BUT I'D LIKE YOUR OPINION.

MY OPINION?
WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT,

I'M NOT WELL,
AND I DON'T DO VERY MUCH.

JUST A SORT OF FRONTMAN.

A FALSE FRONT.

UH, BUT YOU
MUST DO SOMETHING.

AMONG OTHER THINGS,
I GIVE LITERARY TEAS,

AND I'M GIVING ONE THIS
AFTERNOON THAT YOU'RE COMING TO.

THE ADDRESS IS IN THE BOOK. YOU-

A LITERARY TEA. DO YOU
THINK WE'D LIKE THAT, JOHN?

IT MIGHT BE
VERY INTERESTING.

WELL, NOW, I DON'T WANT
TO DRAG YOU AWAY FROM NELLIE.

I'M SURE NELLIE HAS A GREAT DEAL
TO DISCUSS WITH YOU THIS AFTERNOON,

HAVEN'T YOU, NELLIE?

NO.

WELL, JULIE'D HAVE JUST
AS GOOD A TIME WITHOUT ME.

NO, I WOULDN'T-

SO IF YOU DON'T MIND, WE
CAN CONTINUE OUR DISCUSSION.

AS A MATTER
OF FACT,

I WANT TO GO OVER THE BOOK MYSELF AGAIN,

MAKE SOME ELABORATION ON MY NOTES.

SO, AS MUCH AS IT
INCONVENIENCES MR. MORGAN,

I THINK THAT YOU
HAD BETTER GO ALONG.

I'LL DROP IT AT THE
PARTY AFTER I'VE FINISHED.

WELL,
IN THE MEANTIME,

WHY DON'T THE TWO OF YOU TAKE
A NICE LONG WALK IN THE PARK?

I'M ALLERGIC
TO GRASS.

AND FRESH AIR...
AND ME.

UH, I GUESS WE'D BETTER GO. COME, JOHN.

UH-HUH.

MISS WOODS IS IN LOVE WITH MR. MORGAN.

WHAT MAKES YOU
THINK SO?

I DON'T THINK SO. I KNOW SO. I FEEL IT.

YOU DON'T FEEL THOSE
THINGS. YOU FIGURE THEM OUT.

YOU FIGURE THEM OUT.
I FEEL THEM.

MR. MORGAN'S IN 28B.

THAT'S RIGHT THERE
ON THE RIGHT.

MR. MORGAN.

I BEG
YOUR PARDON.

PARDON ME.

I NEVER DREAMED THERE WERE
THIS MANY FAMOUS WRITERS IN THE WORLD.

THERE AREN'T.

HELLO!
HELLO, OPERATOR!

I CAN'T HEAR
A THING AROUN-

HELLO!

PARDON ME.

OH, THANK YOU.

HELLO, OPERATOR? I
WANT SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA.

NO. NO ONE
IN PARTICULAR.

JUST SYDNEY,
AUSTRALIA.

YEAH. I'LL WAIT.

UH, I BEG YOUR PARDON.
WE'RE LOOKING FOR MR. MORGAN.

MORGAN? YOU MEAN
ELLIOTT MORGAN?

YES.

OH, HE
WASN'T INVITED.

HELLO. THIS IS
ELLIOTT MORGAN.

M- O-R-N-A-G-
OR...

HOW DO YOU DO?
I'M FREDDIE BOND,

AND YOU'RE ONE OF THE
LOVELIEST SIGHTS I'VE EVER SEEN.

I'M JOHN HATHAWAY,
AND THIS IS MY WIFE.

YOU NEVER TOLD ME
YOU WERE MARRIED.

OH, THAT'S SILLY. I'VE NEVER
SEEN YOU BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

WE'RE LOOKING
FOR ELLIOTT MORGAN.

DON'T.
YOU WON'T LIKE HIM.

I'M HIS LAWYER,
AND I OUGHT TO KNOW.

OH, THERE YOU ARE.

YES, BOTH OF YOU.

BEAT IT, BOND.

MRS. HATHAWAY AND I ARE THINKING
OF GOING AWAY TOGETHER FOR A WHILE.

BOND, I AM
YOUR ONLY CLIENT.

UNLESS YOU STOP ANNOYING
THIS LADY, YOU'LL LOSE ME.

I AM AN INCURABLE
DIPSOMANIAC.

YOU COULD CURE ME,
BUT YOU SEE HOW IT IS.

LITERARY PEOPLE ARE
THE STRANGEST PEOPLE.

I'LL GET YOU
A DRINK.

IF YOU DISSOLVE THEM,
IT HELPS.

A ROOMFUL
OF LIVING EXAMPLES

OF WHAT THE MIND CAN COME
TO WITHOUT DISCIPLINE.

HERE WE ARE.

OH,
THE ANTIDOTE.

AND HOW ARE YOU
ENJOYING THE SIDESHOW?

COMPARED TO THE REST OF THEM,
YOU SEEM ALMOST NORMAL.

OH, NO. NO, I DIDN'T
MEAN THAT THAT WAY.

OF COURSE YOU DID,
AND YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU SEE, I'M
AN HONEST NEUROTIC.

THEY'RE ALL
MORE OR LESS FAKES.

OH.

THE MAN AT THE PIANO
IS DENNY TRAVIS.

HE'S FOUND A WONDERFUL
FORMULA FOR SUCCESSFUL NOVELS.

ALL HIS RICH CHARACTERS
ARE RATS,

AND EVERYBODY WITHOUT A
NICKEL IS ANOTHER LINCOLN.

AND I'M SHELLEY MASON, THE MOST
DISTINGUISHED AND HATED CRITIC IN AMERICA.

YOU MAY LOOK,
BUT YOU MUSTN'T TOUCH.

THESE ARE PROFESSOR
AND MRS. HATHAWAY.

PROFESSOR OF WHAT?

PSYCHOLOGY.

I NEVER USE IT.
I LIVE BY INSTINCT.

OBVIOUSLY.

AT THE MOMENT IT TELLS ME
THAT YOU'RE FASCINATED BY ME

AND WANT US
TO BE ALONE.

YOU'D BETTER SWITCH
TO PSYCHOLOGY.

I ADORE DIFFICULT
WOMEN. COME.

GO ALONG WITH HIM,
JULIE. MIGHT BE FUN.

FUN? FOR WHO?

FOR ME...
AND FOR YOU.

A WELCOME RELIEF
FROM YOUR HUSBAND.

I DOUBT IT.

I'M A DANGEROUS
AND EXCITING MAN.

AT YOUR AGE?

YOU THROW YOUR WIFE AROUND
PRETTY CARELESSLY, HMM?

THAT AGED SOPHOMORE WON'T HURT HER.

STILL, I IMAGINE A WIFE
AS ATTRACTIVE AS YOURS

MUST BE A CONSTANT
SOURCE OF WORRY.

THAT DEPENDS UPON THE
WIFE... AND THE HUSBAND.

IN THIS CASE, IT PRESENTS
NO PROBLEM AT ALL.

I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT. THAT
MAKES THINGS MORE DIFFICULT.

I DON'T
UNDERSTAND.

HATHAWAY, I WANT
TO BE HONEST WITH YOU.

I AM TERRIBLY ATTRACTED
BY YOUR WIFE.

IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU HAVE
NO INTENTION OF BEING HONEST.

THAT'S JUST PART
OF YOUR ROUTINE.

IN THE SECOND PLACE, I IMAGINE
MOST MEN ARE ATTRACTED BY JULIE.

WHAT OF IT?

I'M A VERY SICK MAN.

I'M A HOPELESS NEUROTIC AS
FAR AS WOMEN ARE CONCERNED.

I HAVE AN INCURABLE
INFERIORITY COMPLEX ABOUT THEM.

MM-HMM. AND JUST HOW DOES
THIS COMPLEX MANIFEST ITSELF?

WELL, THE MOMENT I BECOME
ATTRACTED TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

BELONGING TO SOMEONE
ELSE, I FEEL INFERIOR.

THE RESULT IS
AN IRRESISTIBLE COMPULSION

TO TAKE THAT WOMAN
AWAY FROM THAT MAN.

AH, AND JULIE
COMPELS YOU, HMM?

THE STRONGEST COMPULSION
I'VE EVER FELT.

WELL, THAT'S NICE
OF YOU TO WARN ME.

I TRY TO BE DECENT.

BUT YOU'RE IN FOR
A TOUGH TIME OF IT.

YOU, UH... YOU HAVEN'T GOT A CHANCE.

YOU'RE BEING VERY SMUG
ABOUT YOUR WIFE.

YOU KNOW, JULIE MIGHT
DO YOU A LOT OF GOOD.

WHAT?

A GOOD SOLID FAILURE WOULD HELP YOU,

BUT I THINK JULIE
MIGHT DO MORE THAN THAT.

ARE YOU PRESCRIBING
YOUR WIFE FOR ME?

THAT'S
THE GENERAL IDEA.

TELL ME, HAVE YOU EVER KNOWN
A WOMAN WHO TRUSTED YOU?

YES, MY MOTHER.
SHE-

NO, SHE NEVER
TRUSTED ME EITHER.

YES, SIR, YOU SHOULD SEE A
LOT OF MY WIFE, MR. MORGAN.

I CAN SEE YOUR
SALVATION IN JULIE.

PROFESSOR HATHAWAY, I WARN YOU,
YOU'RE LEADING WITH YOUR CHIN.

NOT MY CHIN.
YOUR CHIN.

WELL, HOW DID YOU MAKE
YOU WITH TUGBOAT ANNIE?

OH, HE SAID I WAS MENTALLY
BACKWARD AND PHYSICALLY FORWARD,

AND HE ASKED ME TO HAVE TEA
WITH HIM ALONE TOMORROW.

ARE YOU
GOING TO?

I SAID I DIDN'T THINK
YOU'D LIKE IT, JOHN.

THEN HE SAID, "NONSENSE. THE
MAN'S TOO BIG A FOOL TO CARE."

ARE YOU, JOHN?

YES, HATHAWAY,
TELL US. ARE YOU?

OH, LOOK WHO'S HERE
- MISS WOODS.

COULDN'T SEE YOU
FOR ALL THE PEOPLE.

WHAT A CLAMBAKE.

WHAT ABOUT
THE BOOK?

OH, WE'RE GOING TO DO
WONDERFUL THINGS WITH THAT BOOK.

YOU BETTER GET OUT THAT
GYP CONTRACT OF YOURS

FOR THE PROFESSOR
TO SIGN TOMORROW.

WELCOME TO
THE STABLE, HATHAWAY.

UH, AREN'T YOU EVEN GOING TO READ IT?

OH, EVENTUALLY.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.

I ALWAYS DO WHAT NELLIE HERE
SAYS. SHE'S SANE AND SOUND.

GOOD OLD NELLIE HERE.
SANE AND SOUND.

ONE DAY SOON, THEY'RE GOING
TO PUT ME OUT TO PASTURE.

SAY, WHAT ABOUT
JUST THE TWO OF US

HAVING DINNER TONIGHT
TO CELEBRATE, HMM?

THE THREE OF US.

THE FOUR OF US.

WELL, IN MY OPINION, THE
TITLE FITS THE BOOK PERFECTLY.

JEALOUSY IN
ALL ITS AS-

IT FITS, BUT IT WON'T SELL
COPIES. HOW ABOUT, UH...

THE FEMALE
OF THE SPECIES.

WE CAN USE YOURS
FOR A SUBTITLE.

GOOD?

NAUSEATING.

HOT.

OH.

NOW, LOOK, JOHN.
LISTEN TO ME.

YOUR BOOK
HAS A MESSAGE-

LIFE
WITHOUT JEALOUSY,

THE GARDEN OF EDEN
WITHOUT THE SNAKE.

AND THAT
REMINDS ME. LET'S DANCE.

OH, DO
YOU MIND, JOHN?

OF COURSE
NOT. GO AHEAD.

THE POINT YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE
IS THAT YOU DON'T LIKE MY BOOK.

IS THAT IT?

I DIDN'T SAY THAT. ALL
RIGHT. YOU ASKED FOR IT.

YOUR BOOK IS
TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

AS LONG AS THERE'S MORE
THAN ONE OF EACH SEX

ON THIS EARTH, THERE'S
BOUND TO BE JEALOUSY.

SO YOU THINK THE HUMAN RACE
IS INCAPABLE OF IMPROVING.

HOW DOES IT LOOK
FROM WHERE YOU SIT?

IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S HIGH TIME
SOMETHING WERE DONE ABOUT IT.

SO YOU TRUST ME, AND I
TRUST YOU. IS THAT IT?

PART OF IT.

DON'T LET ME WAKE YOU UP, PROFESSOR.

HAPPY DREAMS.

MM-HMM. PERFECT.

WHAT IS?

THE COFFEE.
JUST RIGHT.

SHE IS, TOO,
ISN'T SHE?

JULIE? MMM.

THERE'S ONLY ONE
LIKE HER ON EARTH.

TELL ME SOMETHING.

WHAT HAS SHE GOT
THAT I HAVEN'T GOT?

GENERALLY SPEAKING.

GENERALLY SPEAKING, YOU'VE GOT
EVERYTHING ANY MAN COULD WANT.

THEN WHAT AM I DOING ON THE
OUTSIDE WITH EGG ALL OVER MY FACE?

SO, YOU'RE PRETTY MUCH IN
LOVE WITH ELLIOTT, AREN'T YOU?

NOT TO GIVE YOU
A SHORT ANSWER, YES.

TWICE THAT MAN HAS
ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM.

TWICE I'VE SAID NO.

WELL, THEN WHAT'S
ALL THE SHOOTING FOR?

THEN YOU'VE GOT
WHAT HE WANTS.

NO. I'M A NICE, DRY DOORWAY
TO DUCK INTO OUT OF THE RAIN,

BUT LET THE SUN
COME OUT

AND A LITTLE PAIR OF FRENCH HEELS GO BY,

AND POOF!
OFF HE GOES AGAIN.

ONE DAY HE'LL STAY.

ONE DAY HE'LL KNOW
WHAT WE KNOW NOW-

THAT YOU'RE THE STRONGER OF
THE TWO AND THAT HE NEEDS YOU.

YEAH. I CAN JUST
SEE THAT DAY-

ME WITH MY SILVER
HAIR AND OLD LACE,

AND HE IN HIS BLACK
ALPACA COAT AND CANE,

BOTH OF US KNOWING WHAT WE
SHOULD HAVE KNOWN 50 YEARS BEFORE.

OH,
IT'S NO USE, PAL.

I KNOW THAT BIRD.

HE WON'T SING
IN A CAGE.

SEE WHAT I MEAN?

I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT
THAT IF I WERE YOU.

I WOULD WORRY ABOUT
IT IF I WERE YOU.

SHALL I
SHOW YOU THE SIGHTS?

WE'LL SKIP THE EMPIRE
STATE AND TIMES SQUARE.

ANYONE KNOWS
WHERE THEY ARE.

LET ME POINT OUT
SOME OF THE PLACES

THAT FUTURE POETS
WILL WRITE ABOUT.

THERE'S THE BUILDING
WE MET IN THIS MORNING.

FROM HERE, IT LOOKS
LIKE THE BRIDGE

DANTE USED TO WALK OVER
TO SEE HIS BEATRICE.

FROM THERE, I WENT
TO LUNCH OVER THERE.

I COULDN'T EAT.

NEITHER COULD PELLEAS WHEN
HE THOUGHT OF MELISANDE.

THEN I WALKED
THROUGH THE PARK

RIGHT IN FRONT
OF US HERE

TO MY APARTMENT
OVER THERE.

AND-

WELL, YOU'RE NOT EVEN
LISTENING TO WHAT I SAY.

HUH? OH, YES.
YES, I WAS.

IT'S ALL VERY INTERESTING ABOUT
THE EMPIRE STATE AND THE THINGS.

JULIE, IF YOU DON'T PAY
ATTENTION TO ME, I'LL-

HOW LONG HAVE YOU
KNOWN MISS WOODS?

NELLIE?
FOREVER. WHY?

SHE'S VERY CLEVER,
ISN'T SHE?

I MEAN, IN THE WAY SHE
PRACTICALLY RUNS YOUR ORGANIZATION.

OH, WELL, THAT'S
NOT VERY IMPORTANT.

WELL, MAYBE
TO YOU IT ISN'T.

YOU SEE, YOU'RE
MORE LIKE I AM-

NOT VERY CLEVER
AND SORT OF UNMENTAL.

WELL, THAT, UH, GIVES
US SOMETHING IN COMMON.

JOHN IS JUST
FASCINATED BY HER.

SHE DOES THINGS
TO HIM.

SHE EXCITES HIM.

I'M RATHER EXCITED
MYSELF.

SHE'S GOT SOMETHING I HAVEN'T
GOT AT ALL, CAN'T EVER GET.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I
WONDER WHAT JOHN SEES IN ME.

I COULD EXPLAIN IF YOU'D
ONLY HOLD STILL A MINUTE.

LET'S GO IN.

NO FEATHERS,
NO POWDER, NO DUST...

NO NOTHING.
THE PERFECT BRUSH-OFF.

DID HE GO THROUGH ALL THE
FAMOUS LOVERS IN HISTORY FOR YOU?

THAT'S
HIS GOLD-PLATE SPECIAL.

I POINTED OUT TO MRS. HATHAWAY

THE EMPIRE STATE
AND TIMES SQUARE

AND OTHER POINTS
OF INTEREST.

A NEW APPROACH.

MAY I INTRUDE WITH
A PURELY COMMERCIAL QUESTION?

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT
WITH MY BOOK?

NELLIE, IT BELONGS
ON OUR SPRING LIST.

BOOKS ON MARRIAGE SELL
BEST IN THE RAINY SEASON.

WELL, IT DOESN'T GIVE US MUCH TIME
- A MONTH FOR REVISING.

JOHN WORKS NIGHT AND DAY.

MOM ALWAYS USED TO SAY THAT SHE
NEVER SAW ANYBODY IN HER LIFE-

A MONTH? NELLIE, I COULD
DO IT IF YOU'D WORK WITH ME.

AFTER ALL, YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT
THESE REVISIONS THAN I DO.

OF COURSE SHE WILL.

NELLIE, I WANT YOU TO DROP
EVERYTHING AT THE OFFICE

AND CONCENTRATE ON JOHN AND THE BOOK
NIGHT AND DAY UNTIL IT'S FINISHED.

JULIE, IT'S GOING TO BE PRETTY
LONESOME AND BORING FOR YOU.

WANT
TO BET ON THAT?

I'M JEALOUS OF THE MOON
THAT SHINES ABOVE

BECAUSE IT SMILES
UPON THE ONE I LOVE

I'M JEALOUS OF THE BIRDIES
IN THE TREES

THEY'RE ALWAYS SINGIN'
SWEETEST MELODIES

I'M JEALOUS
OF THE PRETTY FLOWERS, TOO

I MISS THE KISS
THEY ALWAYS GET FROM YOU

I'M JEALOUS OF THE TICKTOCK
ON THE SHELF

I'M EVEN GETTING JEALOUS
OF MYSELF

"TODAY A WOMAN CAN
ACHIEVE ECONOMIC FREEDOM.

"IT IS UP TO HER NOW TO BECOME
MAN'S MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL EQUAL.

THE WOMAN OF TODAY DOES NOT WANT
A MASTER BUT DEMANDS A MATE."

JOHN, LET'S MAKE THAT
THE WOMAN OF THE FUTURE.

BUT, NELLIE,
YOU OF ALL WOMEN...

SELF-SUFFICIENT,
SELF-SUPPORTING, FREE.

AND FED UP.

SHOW ME A WOMAN
THAT'S FREE,

AND I'LL SHOW YOU A WOMAN THAT
SITS HOME AT NIGHT... ALONE.

WELL, THE VERY SYMBOL OF FREEDOM IS A WOMAN
- THE STATUE OF LIBERTY.

YEAH. AND DID YOU
EVER NOTICE?

SHE CARRIES A TORCH.

OHH...

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

IS YOUR AGORA
- WHATCHAMACALLIT BOTHERING YOU?

FEAR OF OPEN SPACES.
IT'S SOMETHING AWFUL.

YOU'RE GIVING ME THE OTHER
ONE- FEAR OF CLOSED-IN SPACES.

OH, COME ON. LET'S
GO TO THE AQUARIUM.

WE'RE JUST IN TIME
TO SEE THEM FEED THE FISH.

NO, NOT YET. LET'S NOT
LOSE THIS LOVELY MOMENT.

IT IS LOVELY,
ISN'T IT?

I'M NOT TALKING
ABOUT THE VIEW.

BUT THAT'S WHAT
WE CAME UP HERE FOR.

JULIE, DON'T YOU FEEL THE
IMPORTANCE OF ALL THIS-

WAY ABOVE THE CITY,
JUST THE TWO OF US,

SOMEHOW REMOVED FROM
THE REST OF THE WORLD?

WE MIGHT BE LOST, YOU AND I
- LOST AND FORGOTTEN.

OH, WELL,
THAT'S SILLY.

JOHN KNOWS WHERE WE ARE. I
TOLD HIM WE WERE COMING UP HERE.

I HAVE NO DOUBT.

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOUR
NOT HAVING SEEN IT BEFORE,

LIVING IN NEW YORK
ALL YOUR LIFE.

I WAS WAITING TO SEE
THE SIGHTS WITH YOU,

AND NOW WE'VE
SEEN THEM ALL

FROM GRANT'S TOMB
TO THE BATTERY.

WE'VE SEEN ALL
THE SIGHTS BUT ONE.

OH, WHICH IS THAT?

NEW YORK FROM THE TERRACE
OF MY APARTMENT AT NIGHT.

OH. OH, THAT MUST
BE LOVELY, TOO.

LIKE 10 MILLION
FIREFLIES ON PARADE.

TONIGHT I'LL
EXPECT YOU AT 9:00.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW
IF JOHN CAN COME.

YOU KNOW,
HE MAY BE WORKING.

THE FIREFLIES WON'T
PARADE FOR JOHN.

MAYBE THEY WILL
FOR NELLIE.

JULIE, YOU'RE
INHIBITING ME.

OH, ELLIOTT,
I WOULDN'T INHIBIT YOU,

EVEN IF I WAS SURE
WHAT THAT MEANT.

IT'S JUST THAT I'M NOT COMING
TO YOUR APARTMENT TONIGHT.

9:00. I'LL BE
WAITING FOR YOU.

COME ON. I WANT
TO SEE THOSE FISH.

JULIE, IT'S HAPPENED!
NELLIE HAS DONE IT!

DONE WHAT?

NOW, LET'S NOT
LEAP TO CONCLUSIONS.

THE NEW YORK STAR HAS BOUGHT
THE SERIAL RIGHTS TO MY BOOK.

WE'RE RICH!

COMPLIMENTS
OF THE HOUSE.

LET'S DRINK
TO NELLIE.

THANK YOU, CITIZEN.

I'D RECIPROCATE, ONLY I'M
JUST AT THE BOILING POINT NOW.

ONE MORE AND
I'D BUBBLE OVER.

ANYWAY, IT'S TIME
TO GO HOME.

OH, JOHN WANTED TO DRINK
CHAMPAGNE OUT OF MY SLIPPER,

BUT IT DIDN'T SEEM QUITE PRACTICAL
WHAT WITH THE OPEN TOE AND ALL.

AFTER ALL, IT ISN'T
THE CHAMPAGNE THAT COUNTS.

IT'S THE PRINCIPLE
OF THE THING, ISN'T IT?

OH, IT'S THE TRIUMPH
OF PRINCIPLE!

IT'S A TRIUMPH OF
PRINCIPLE OVER COMPROMISE.

TONIGHT
WE CELEBRATE!

THE THREE OF US?

OH, AND ELLIOTT. WE
MUSTN'T FORGET ELLIOTT.

I THINK HE'S PLANNED
SOMETHING FOR TONIGHT.

NO CELEBRATING
FOR LITTLE NELL.

SHE'S HEADED
FOR HER TRUNDLE BED...

LONESOME, SPACIOUS...

WHAT
ABOUT TOMORROW?

TOMORROW? TOMORROW?

OH, UM,
IN THE AFTERNOON.

2 OR 3 HOURS OUGHT
TO FINISH THE JOB.

GOOD-BYE, JULIE.

NELLIE'S SAYING
GOOD-BYE TO YOU.

HMM? OH, GOOD-BYE.

HUH.
SEE YOU SOON.

YEAH.

WHAT'S THE MATTER,
JULIE?

NOTHING'S
THE MATTER.

WELL, THERE MUST BE.

THIS SHOULD BE THE
HAPPIEST DAY OF OUR LIVES.

YOU BEHAVE AS IF THE
WORLD HAD COME TO AN END.

DO I?

JOHN...

COME HERE.

NOW, THAT'S
MORE LIKE IT.

NO, NO, NO, NO.
SIT DOWN RIGHT HERE.

ALWAYS HAPPY
TO OBLIGE.

OH, I HAVE TO TAKE
MY SHOES OFF.

YOUR FEET HURT?

I'D DO BETTER
WITH OPEN TOES.

THERE. NOW PUT
YOUR ARM AROUND ME.

NO, NO, NO.
CLOSER.

NICE?

WONDERFUL.

2 PEOPLE IN LOVE?

IF EVER
THERE WERE TWO.

THEN WHAT WOULD YOU THINK IF YOU CAME IN

AND FOUND ELLIOTT
AND ME IN THIS POSITION?

NOT WHAT
YOU'RE THINKING.

WHY NOT?

I COULDN'T.

GRANTED, NELLIE AND I
HAPPENED TO BE IN THAT POSITION

WHEN YOU WALKED IN.

HAPPENED?

DID I MAKE ANY
SUDDEN MOVEMENTS?

DID I TAKE MY ARM
AWAY? DID I LOOK GUILTY?

NO. NOT EVEN THAT.

YOU SAT HERE LOOKING AS IF
EVERYTHING WERE JUST TOO NORMAL

AND CASUAL FOR WORDS.

LET'S LOOK
AT THIS RATIONALLY.

I DON'T WANT
TO BE RATIONAL.

I KNOW. YOU WANT
TO THROW COCONUTS.

WOULD IT DO ANY
GOOD, DO YOU THINK,

IF I TRIED TO EXPLAIN
TO YOU JUST ONCE MORE-

JOHN, SO HELP ME,
IF YOU READ ME ANYTHING

ABOUT THE CLEAR-EYED WOMAN OF
TODAY WHO LIVES IN THAT BOOK...

THAT BOOK CAN HELP A LOT OF
PEOPLE LIVE HAPPIER LIVES.

MAYBE IN TIME THEY WON'T EVEN
HAVE TO TRY TO LIVE HAPPIER LIVES.

MAYBE THEY'LL JUST SIT AROUND
AND READ THE BOOK TO EACH OTHER.

JULIE, YOU'VE BEEN
VERY LONELY.

AND WHAT'S WORSE, FOR
THE PAST 3 OR 4 WEEKS,

YOU'VE FELT AS IF I
HAVEN'T NEEDED YOU.

BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE
KNOWN ALL ALONG

THAT NELLIE WAS JUST
SOMEBODY I WAS WORKING WITH

AND THAT I'VE LOVED
YOU AND I'VE NEEDED YOU

JUST AS MUCH
AS I ALWAYS HAVE.

IT ALWAYS WINDS UP LIKE THIS
WITH ME FEELING LIKE A RAT!

I DON'T WANT YOU
TO FEEL LIKE A RAT.

BUT I AM A RAT.

OHH...

JOHN...

YES.

ABOUT YOU
AND NELLIE...

I GUESS
I WAS WRONG.

BUT YOU'RE
NOT SURE.

JOHN?

WELL?

COME DOWN AGAIN.

ARE YOU SURE?

COME ON DOWN.

PUT YOUR ARMS
AROUND ME.

I WANT TO KNOW
IF YOU'RE SURE.

KISS ME.

WELL-YOU ARE SURE,
AREN'T YOU?

SURE, I'M SURE.

I GUESS.

UH...

THIS IS THE SUBWAY, AND THESE ARE
THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN THE SUBWAY:

THE SUBWAY DWELLERS.

WELL, WHERE DO THEY ALL GO TO?
WHERE DO THEY ALL COME FROM?

UPTOWN OR DOWNTOWN.

THE LIFE OF THE SUBWAY
DWELLER IS ALL UPS OR DOWNS.

OH.

THERE, UNLESS
I MISS MY GUESS,

IS A TYPICAL
SUBWAY SNAKE.

A WHAT?

A MASHER.
HE MASHES WOMEN.

BEWARE OF THE
SWEET-SMELLING MALE

WHO BUMPS INTO YOU IN
THE SUBWAY AND SAYS,

"AIN'T I SEEN YOU
SOMEWHERES BEFORE?"

I'D LIKE TO SEE HIM TRY. I'D POP HIM.

NO, THAT'S WRONG. EVERYBODY WOULD
KNOW YOU'RE FROM THE COUNTRY.

DO IT THE BIG-CITY WAY. JUST
LOOK AT HIM AND SAY, LOUDLY,

"LAY OFF, BUB,
OR I'LL CALL A COP."

THE MAN JUST DISAPPEARS
LIKE A CAB IN THE RAIN.

SAY, AIN'T I SEEN YOU
SOMEWHERES BEFORE?

LAY OFF, BUB,
OR I'LL CALL A COP.

I'M A COP, LADY.

IS THIS MONKEY
BOTHERING YOU?

CERTAINLY NOT. I WAS-
I MEAN, WE WERE-

HE WAS MOLESTING THE
LADY, OFFICER. I SEEN HIM.

OH, DON'T BE A
FOOL. THIS IS MY WIFE.

HE'S MY HUSBAND.

UNION SQUARE!

HE SAID, "AIN'T I SEEN
YOU SOMEWHERES BEFORE?"

I HEARD HIM
WITH MY OWN EARS.

YOU'VE GOT
DIRTY EARS!

DID HE SAY THAT
TO YOU, LADY?

YES, BUT HE DIDN'T
MEAN IT THAT WAY!

ALL RIGHT,
COME ON!

I DEMAND THE RIGHT TO
PROVE THAT I'M HER HUSBAND!

EXCUSE ME. I HAVE
TO GET OFF! WAIT! HEY!

ALL RIGHT!

I WANT TO GET OUT!

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.

NOW, DON'T GET EXCITED.
WAIT A MINUTE.

WELL,
I HAVE TO GO!

YOU DON'T WANT TO GET MIXED
UP WITH THAT CHEAP FELLA.

YOU GOT
TOO MUCH CLASS.

THEM SUBWAY MASHERS
OUGHT TO GET LYNCHED.

WHAT WILL
THEY DO TO HIM?

KICK HIM AROUND A LITTLE,
MAYBE 30 DAYS IN THE CLINK.

WHERE DOES THIS TRAIN STOP
NEXT? I'VE GOT TO GET BACK THERE!

HOW'S ABOUT YOU AND ME
HAVING A LITTLE DRINK,

JUST TO CALM
YOUR NERVES?

LAY OFF, BUB.
I'LL CALL A COP.

I FEEL LIKE
WE'RE OLD FRIENDS.

ARE YOU SURE I AIN'T
SEEN YOU SOMEWHERE BEFORE?

LAY OFF, BUB.
I'LL CALL A COP!

AREN'T THEY CUTE?
THEY'RE PLAYING.

LAY OFF, BUB.
I'LL CALL A COP!

IS THAT CLOCK RIGHT?

TO THE MINUTE, SIR.

MAY I ASK, SIR,

WERE YOU EXPECTING COMPANY THIS EVENING?

WHY? MOST BUTLERS LIKE AN
EVENING OUT OCCASIONALLY.

BEGGING
YOUR PARDON, SIR,

IN MY CASE,

I WOULD WELCOME AN
OCCASIONAL EVENING IN.

IN FACT, SIR, I'M ALL IN FROM GOING OUT.

YOU WON'T HAVE TO
GO OUT TONIGHT.

THANK YOU, SIR.

I'M AFRAID IT'S
THE DOORBELL, SIR.

WELL, ANSWER IT, MAN.
ANSWER IT, ANSWER IT.

WELL, THIS IS A-

SURPRISE.

HELLO, NELLIE.

SORRY I'M NOT WHAT
YOU WERE EXPECTING.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
I'M EXPECTING ANYBODY?

WHAT MAKES ME THINK
THAT DOGS LIKE LIVER?

I DON'T GET THE ANALOGY, BUT
I EXPECT IT'S VERY CLEVER.

IT SO HAPPENS THAT YOU'RE
WRONG. THERE'S NO ONE COMING.

YOU'RE RIGHT. SHE'S GONE
OUT WITH HER HUSBAND.

UH... WHO-WHO HAS?

UH, THE LIVER.

WELL, VACATION
IS OVER, MY FRIEND.

THE BOOK'S FINISHED. YOU AND
I ARE GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

TO WORK.

I'VE BEEN
AT THE OFFICE.

YES. 3 DAYS AGO
TO CASH A CHECK.

YOU HAVE A PRETTY LOW OPINION
OF ME, HAVEN'T YOU, NELLIE?

ODDLY ENOUGH, NO.

I FORMED MY OPINION
OF YOU A LONG TIME AGO

BEFORE YOU HAD
A PHOBIA TO HIDE IN.

I THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE
ONE OF THE SMARTEST,

MOST AMBITIOUS YOUNG MEN I'D EVER KNOWN.

THEN YOU
GREW A BEARD.

I-

I RESENT YOUR ATTITUDE.

WELL, LET'S ADD THAT TO ALL THE
OTHER THINGS YOU RESENT ABOUT ME.

AFTER ALL,
I'M NOT ON TRIAL.

I SEE NO REASON WHY I
SHOULD EXPLAIN TO YOU,

BUT YOU CAN TAKE
MY WORD FOR IT-

I'M EXPECTING NO ONE,
AND NO ONE'S COMING.

I, UH...

I WONDER WHO
THAT CAN BE.

BEGGING
YOUR PARDON, SIR,

IT'S MRS. HATHAWAY.

JUST-UH, WELL,
THIS IS A SURPRISE.

WELL, UH,
SHOW HER IN.

BRIGHTON, ASK
HER TO WAIT A MOMENT.

NOW, YOU SAID YOURSELF SHE
WAS OUT WITH HER HUSBAND.

SHE PROBABLY PUSHED HIM
IN FRONT OF A TAXICAB

JUST SO SHE COULD
BE HERE WITH YOU.

WHAT IS IT
YOU'VE GOT-

HYPNOTISM, YOGA, OR DO YOU
DROP THINGS IN THEIR COFFEE?

I'M SURE I CAN'T
HELP IT-

I'M SURE YOU CAN'T.

IT'S PROBABLY YOUR UNUTTERABLE
CHEAPNESS THAT GETS THEM.

CHEAPNESS?

OH, I WON'T
ELABORATE ON IT.

WELL, I THINK I'LL GO OUT THROUGH
THE KITCHEN, IF YOU DON'T MIND.

UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES,
I PREFER THE BACK DOOR.

NOW, NELLIE, WAIT.

WAIT. I WON'T HAVE YOU
SNEAK OUT THE BACK DOOR.

THAT DOOR WILL
GO DOWN IN HISTORY.

"THROUGH THOSE PORTALS PASSED THE
MOST NAUSEATED GIRL IN THE WORLD."

OH, ELLIOTT-

OH, I'M SO SORRY
TO HAVE KEPT YOU WAITING.

THE LONG-DISTANCE TELEPHONE,
THEY, UH...

JULIE, YOU'VE COME
AFTER ALL.

JOHN'S BEEN ARRESTED.

LET THE REST OF THE
WORLD FIND EXCUSES FOR US.

WE'LL FACE THEM
UNASHAMED.

I'M NOT MAKING ANY
EXCUSES. JOHN'S IN JAIL!

UH,
YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS.

YES.

WHAT FOR?

SUBWAY MASHING.

WHY, THAT BEAST!

HE WAS ARRESTED
FOR MASHING ME.

I TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO THEM, BUT
THEY WOULDN'T GIVE ME A CHANCE.

WELL, DO SOMETHING! GO FIND
OUT WHERE HE IS! GET HIM OUT!

YOU KNOW,
COME TO THINK OF IT,

A NIGHT IN JAIL MIGHT PROVE INVALUABLE

TO A MAN
OF JOHN'S TYPE.

AN INTERESTING PSYCHOLOGICAL EXPERIENCE.

I WANT MY HUSBAND!

OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. THEY'LL
LET HIM OUT IN THE MORNING.

I WANT HIM NOW! IF I CAN'T GET HELP FROM
YOU, I'LL GO SOMEPLACE ELSE AND FIND-

OH, NOW, NOW.
ALL RIGHT, NOW.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE
SELFISH ABOUT IT, ALL RIGHT.

I'LL PHONE
FREDDIE BOND.

HE'S MY LAWYER.
HE'LL FIX THINGS.

UM...

UH, LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU GO
STAND OVER THERE BY THE FIRE.

THE WARMTH
WILL DO YOU GOOD.

WHAT FIRE?

OH. THAT'S SILLY.

I ALWAYS KEEP
IMAGINING

THERE'S A FIREPLACE
IN THE ROOM.

UH, HELLO. FREDDIE?

WHEN YOU HEAR THE TONE,

THE TIME WILL BE
9:39 AND ONE QUARTER.

UH, THIS IS
ELLIOTT SPEAKING.

YES. WELL, UH,
LOOK, UH, FREDDIE,

MRS. HATHAWAY
IS HERE.

IT SEEMS HER HUSBAND
HAS BEEN ARRESTED

FOR SUBWAY MASHING.

WHEN YOU HEAR THE TONE,

THE TIME WILL BE
9:39 AND ONE HALF.

UH, WHERE
WAS HE ARRESTED?

THEY TOOK HIM OFF
AT UNION SQUARE.

AND TELL FREDDIE I WANT TO GO
WITH HIM WHEN THEY GET JOHN OUT.

SHH! SHH! WH-WHAT?

OH, YOU-YOU DON'T
WANT JULIE?

UH, YOU WANT US TO WAIT
RIGHT HERE FOR YOU, HUH?

YEAH. RIGHT.

RIGHT. WE'LL WAIT.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

HE'LL GET BUSY
ON IT IMMEDIATELY.

OF COURSE, IT MAY
TAKE QUITE A WHILE,

SO WHY DON'T WE JUST MAKE
OURSELVES COMFORTABLE AND RELAX?

NOW, HOW ABOUT YOU AND ME
HAVING A LITTLE DRINK

TO CALM
YOUR NERVES, HMM?

LAY OFF, BUB,
OR I'LL CALL A COP.

YOU HAVE
THE WRONG NUMBER.

OH, IT'S YOU.

SHELLEY, ELLIOTT'S
GIVING A PARTY,

AND HE WANTS YOU TO COME
TO THE APARTMENT RIGHT AWAY.

OH, I KNOW IT'S LATE,

BUT IT'S A COME-AS-YOU-ARE
PARTY. THAT'S THE FUN OF IT.

YOU'RE TO COME WEARING
WHATEVER YOU HAVE ON RIGHT NOW.

WELL, PUT ON
SOME PAJAMAS.

ALL RIGHT. BORROW SOME.

GOOD-BYE.

EHH!

YES, SURROUNDED
THOUGH I AM

BY BAUBLES AND TINSEL,

AT HEART, I'M JUST
A LONESOME LITTLE BOY.

JUST A LONESOME
LITTLE BOY.

IT'S GETTING LATE,
AND I'M SLEEPY, TOO.

WHAT'S KEEPING FREDDIE?
WHY DON'T THEY COME?

WELL, JULIE,
WE CAN'T CHANGE

THE LAWS OF THE COUNTRY
ALL AT ONCE

JUST BECAUSE
IT'S YOUR HUSBAND.

30 DAYS. HE HASN'T
EVEN GOT A TOOTHBRUSH.

WELL, THE SERGEANT
WILL LOAN HIM ONE.

WHAT IF THAT
COFFEE'S TOO HOT?

OH, I WOULDN'T WORRY
ABOUT THAT, JULIE.

MILLIONS OF PEOPLE
HAVE BEEN ARRESTED.

JOHN IS NOT
MILLIONS OF PEOPLE

STOP FOLLOWING ME.
SIT DOWN.

I WOULD SIT DOWN IF
I COULD, BUT I CAN'T.

IT'S MY OLD
KATHISOPHOBIA.

IT'S COME BACK
ON ME.

WHAT HAS?

IT'S A PHOBIA
AGAINST SITTING DOWN.

I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS MY
NERVES MUST BE ALL SHOT.

OH. I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU HAD NERVES IN THE-

I MEAN,
I DIDN'T KNOW

NERVES COULD KEEP YOU FROM SITTING DOWN.

YOU SHOULD SEE
A DOCTOR.

NO. I DON'T NEED
A DOCTOR, JULIE.

I KNOW WHAT'S WRONG
WITH ME.

I'VE GOT TO GET AWAY,

AWAY FROM THE CONFUSION
AND TURMOIL OF THE CITY.

I WANT JOHN. I-

JULIE, I HAVE A LITTLE
PLACE IN THE ADIRONDACKS

ON AN ISLAND
ALL BY ITSELF. IT-

EXCUSE ME.

IT'S PRIMITIVE, WILD.
NO PEOPLE, NO PHONES.

A PARADI... ADISE...

A- A PARADISE,
UNSPOILED BY CIVILIZATION

WITH ALL MODERN
CONVENIENCES.

WE COULD BE THERE
IN 3 HOURS

IF WE LEFT...

IT'S CATCHING,
ISN'T IT?

OK. I GIVE UP.

GIVE UP WHAT?

FORGET IT. YOU'RE
A GOOD GIRL, JULIE.

BOY, ARE YOU
A GOOD GIRL.

AND YOU'RE
YOUR HUSBAND'S WIFE.

NOW, LET ME CONFESS
SOMETHING TO YOU.

IT'S JOHN!

NO! NO, IT ISN'T.
IT CAN'T BE.

WHY NOT?

WELL... IT'S NOT TIME
YET. JULIE! JULIE, WAIT!

JULIE, LET ME EXPLAIN
SOMETHING TO YOU.

WHAT IS THE MEANING OF
THIS OBSCENE CHARADE?

DID YOU THINK THIS UP?
IT'S PERFECTLY GRAND.

WE WERE JUST SITTING
DOWN TO A HAND OF BRIDGE.

WELL, HOW DO
YOU DO?

WAIT! WH-WHAT IS
ALL THIS?

WE'RE FROM
THE PIGEON CLUB.

WE WERE TOLD TO BRING
HIM HERE JUST AS HE WAS.

HERE HE IS.

HELLO, EVERYBODY.
HELLO. HOW ARE YOU?

OH, I'M FINE, THANKS. FINE, THANK YOU.

GET OUT OF HERE.

WHY?

DON'T ASK QUESTIONS.
JUST GET OUT.

I WILL NOT. THERE'S
MRS. HATHAWAY.

MRS. HATHAWAY,
I LOVE YOU!

FREDDIE!

FREDDIE,
WHERE'S JOHN?

JULIE, I WANT
TO TALK TO YOU.

DIDN'T YOU
FIND HIM?

I WASN'T LOOKING. IS
IT A TREASURE HUNT?

JULIE, IF YOU'LL
JUST LET ME EXPLAIN-

PLEASE STOP JOKING, FREDDIE.
YOU KNOW ELLIOTT PHONED YOU

AND TOLD YOU TO GO
FIND JOHN. HE'S IN JAIL.

HE DID NOT PHONE ME.
WHO SAYS HE PHONED ME?

THE MAN'S BEEN DRINKING.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT TIME
DID YOU PHONE?

NOW, LOOK. I REFUSE TO ENTER
INTO A DRUNKEN ARGUMENT.

WHAT TIME
DID YOU PHONE?

3 HOURS AGO.

WHERE WAS I?

UH, WHERE WERE YOU?

HOME?

WRONG. I HAVEN'T
BEEN HOME IN 3 DAYS.

W- WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU DIALED, BUT...

THAT'S WHY YOU ASKED ME
TO STAND BY THE FIRE.

WHAT FIRE?

YOU DIDN'T TELEPHONE FREDDIE AT
ALL. IT WAS JUST A CHEAP TRICK.

WHAT FIRE?

YOU'D LET JOHN
ROT IN JAIL

WHILE YOU KEEP ME HERE PLAYING
GAMES. COME ON, FREDDIE.

WE'RE GOING
TO A FIRE?

WE'RE GOING
TO FIND JOHN.

JULIE, IF YOU'LL
JUST LET ME EXPLAIN-

YOU'LL EXPLAIN, ALL RIGHT,
BUT NOT TO ME.

YOU'LL EXPLAIN TO JOHN,

AND WHEN YOU ARE THROUGH,
HE'LL KNOCK YOUR BLOCK OFF.

COME ON. COME ON.

TELL ME, MY HEAVY-HANDED LOTHARIO,

WHY WAS PROFESSOR HATHAWAY ARRESTED,

AND WHY DO YOU LOOK
SO FOOLISH?

BECAUSE
I FEEL FOOLISH.

THE SITUATION IS PREGNANT
WITH POSSIBILITIES.

I THOUGHT THIS WAS
A COME-AS-YOU-ARE PARTY.

WHY HAVEN'T YOU
A TELEPHONE IN EACH HAND

AND A KNIFE
IN YOUR TEETH?

MY KNIFE IS BUSY
ELSEWHERE.

IT'S IN YOUR BACK.
HA HA HA.

YOU CAN STAY A WHILE,
CAN'T YOU?

LET ME TAKE
YOUR WRAP, HMM?

THANK YOU.

YOU CAN ADD IT TO
ALL THE OTHER WRAPS

YOU'VE BEEN TAKING.

HA HA. NOT BAD.

OH, NO.

NOT BAD AT ALL.

MAY I SHOW YOU
TO THE STUDY?

WE CAN BE ALONE THERE.

I'D LIKE TO BE ALONE
WITH YOU.

AND I WITH YOU.

HA HA HA.

COME ON.

AREN'T YOU GOING
TO SWALLOW THE KEY?

NOW, DON'T EVADE
THE ISSUE.

I DEMAND AN EXPLANATION FOR ALL THIS!

YOU DEMAND?
HA HA HA!

WELL, I DON'T SEE ANYTHING TO LAUGH AT.

DON'T YOU?

NO. NO, I GUESS
YOU WOULDN'T.

AND JUST WHAT DO YOU
DEMAND AN EXPLANATION OF?

WHY IS MY HOME FILLED
AT THIS UNEARTHLY HOUR

BY THESE CHEAP SECOND-RATE GRAFTERS?

HO HO!

QUIET. THERE'S
MORE COMING.

NOT FOR ME
THERE ISN'T.

I'VE HEARD ENOUGH.

YEAH. ME, TOO. TOMORROW
I'M GETTING A NEW PUBLISHER.

NELLIE
- THE WORKING GIRL'S FRIEND.

SO YOU THREW A LITTLE RESCUE PARTY

FOR JULIE, HUH?

PARTLY. ALSO
A FAREWELL PARTY FOR ME.

HAIL AND FAREWELL
TO NELLIE HERE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
FAREWELL? FAREWELL TO WHAT?

ELLIOTT MORGAN, INC.
AND IN THE FLESH.

MORGAN THE PUBLISHER

AND MORGAN, FORGIVE MY
GIRLISH LAUGHTER, THE MAN.

NELLIE, YOU-

YOU CAN'T
DO THIS TO ME.

TO ME. TO ME. I'M NOT
DOING THIS TO ANYBODY.

I'M DOING THIS
FOR MYSELF.

WHY, YOU-
YOU DON'T DARE.

I... I-I'D GO
TO PIECES.

YOU KNOW
I'M NEUROTIC.

NEUROTIC, MY FOOT. THERE'S
NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU

THAT COULDN'T BE CURED WITH
A GOOD SWIFT KICK IN THE EGO.

YOU'RE NO MORE NEUROTIC
THAN A PRETZEL.

YOU'RE A FUGITIVE FROM A
PAIR OF CARPET SLIPPERS,

A COMMONPLACE
DOMESTICATED GUY

THAT WANTS TO TAKE OFF HIS
SHOES, OVEREAT AT DINNER,

AND CURL UP IN FRONT OF
HIS WIFE WITH A GOOD BOOK.

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU TO
COME OUT FROM BEHIND THAT BEARD,

BUT YOU WON'T.

WELL, I'M TIRED.

I'VE BEEN RIDING ON THAT
MERRY-GO-ROUND LONG ENOUGH,

AND I'M DIZZY.

LITTLE NELLIE
WANTS TO GET OFF.

GIVE ME THAT KEY.

NO.

GIVE IT TO ME. I DON'T
WANT TO PLAY ANYMORE.

NELLIE, I-
I FEEL FOOLISH.

AGAIN, PLEASE?

I FEEL SILLY, AS IF I'D
BEEN CAUGHT MAKING MUD PIES

WITH SOME
BACKWARD CHILDREN.

WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I WON'T TELL ON YOU.

NO. I REALLY
MEAN THAT.

NELLIE, WHETHER
YOU QUIT OR NOT,

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I'M
TERRIBLY ASHAMED OF MYSELF.

SINCE WHEN
DID YOU SEE THE LIGHT?

SINCE YOU AND JOHN HAVE
BEEN WORKING TOGETHER.

SINCE YOU AND JULIE HAVE
BEEN "WORKING TOGETHER."

YOU SEE, AT FIRST,
SHE INTRIGUED ME,

AND THEN SHE
BEWILDERED ME,

AND THEN SHE GOT ME MAD, AND... AND...

AND THEN?

WELL, AND THEN...
I FELT SILLY.

I SAW WHAT HAD
BECOME OF ME.

HERE WAS A NORMAL,
HONEST YOUNG WOMAN

IN LOVE WITH
HER HUSBAND,

AND HERE WAS
A FAKE SOPHISTICATE

WHO NEEDED A BEARD LIKE
HE NEEDED A CARBUNCLE

TRYING TO DEVELOP SOME
FAKE CHARM. FOR WHAT?

YOU TELL ME.

I... I CAN'T.

IF YOU'RE LYING...

I'LL KILL YOU
AND GO TO THE CHAIR

WITH A SONG
ON MY LIPS.

NO. YOU WON'T
HAVE TO.

I NEED YOU
TOO MUCH, NELLIE.

YOU... YOU NEED ME?

IT'S LIKE OFFERING YOU A LIFE CONTRACT

AS NURSEMAID
AND KEEPER, BUT...

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

WHY, NELLIE, I'VE NEVER
SEEN YOU CRY BEFORE.

THAT'S WHY YOU'VE GOT IT OVER MY PILLOW.

NOW, LOOK. WE'LL GET MARRIED TOMORROW.

NO, BUT I'VE GOT TO
SEE JOHN. THE BOOK IS-

OH... THE BOOK
CAN WAIT.

LOOK, WE'LL GO UP TO MY LITTLE ISLAND

FOR OUR HONEYMOON, JUST
THE TWO OF US, AND...

OH, NO. NO, WE CAN'T
GO TO THE ISLAND YET.

WHY NOT?

WELL, YOU SEE, I'VE HAD
IT FOR SO MANY YEARS,

IT'S KIND OF CROWDED
WITH MEMORIES.

YEAH. SO IS
MY HOPE CHEST.

WELL, NOW, LOOK. YOU KEEP
YOUR DATE WITH JOHN TOMORROW,

AND I'LL GO UP
TO THE ISLAND ALONE,

AND I'LL
BURN EVERYTHING

THAT'S HAD ANYTHING TO DO
WITH MY LIFE UP TO THIS MINUTE.

MUST BE AN ENORMOUS
FIREPLACE.

HA HA.
IT'S BIG ENOUGH.

MM-HMM.

JOHN. YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO LET

A MAN LIKE THAT
PUBLISH YOUR BOOK.

HE'S A LOW,
TRICKY SNAKE.

BUT I'VE GOT
A CONTRACT WITH HIM,

AND THE LAW SAYS THAT A
CONTRACT, EVEN WITH A SNAKE,

IS VALID
IF YOU BOTH SIGNED IT.

WOULD IT INTEREST YOU TO KNOW
THAT WHEN YOU WERE ARRESTED,

I WENT TO HIM
FOR HELP,

THAT HE TRICKED ME INTO
STAYING IN HIS APARTMENT

BY MAKING A FAKE PHONE
CALL TO FREDDIE BOND,

AND THAT HE INVITED ME

TO HIS ISLAND IN THE
MOUNTAINS WITHOUT YOU?

HA HA HA!

WELL, I DIDN'T THINK IT
WAS SO FUNNY. I TOLD HIM SO.

I SAID YOU'D BE BACK
TO KNOCK HIS BLOCK OFF.

NO, JULIE. YOU DIDN'T.

WELL, WHAT DID YOU WANT
ME TO DO, LAUGH MERRILY

AND GO OFF
IN THE WOODS WITH HIM?

I CAN UNDERSTAND
YOUR BEHAVIOR

FROM YOUR
POINT OF VIEW,

BUT THERE'S A LOT MORE
TO THIS THAN YOU KNOW.

YOU SEE, ELLIOTT WAS
PASSING THROUGH A CRISIS,

JUST AS HE WOULD IN
ANY OTHER ILLNESS.

BY NOW, HE'S
PROBABLY OVER IT

AND FEELING THOROUGHLY
ASHAMED OF HIMSELF.

I WANT TO HEAR HIM
SAY HE HIS,

AND I WANT TO HEAR HIM
SAY IT TO YOU.

AND IF HE DOESN'T SAY IT,
YOU HIT HIM.

JULIE, GROWN-UP
INTELLIGENT MEN

DON'T HIT
EACH OTHER.

IN THE FIRST PLACE, THERE
ARE PHYSICAL REASONS.

ONLY IN THE MOVIES DO MEN
FIGHT WITH THE EFFICIENCY

AND STAMINA OF HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONS.

IN REALITY,
ELLIOTT AND I

ARE IN NO CONDITION
TO FIGHT.

WE HAVEN'T FOUGHT
FOR YEARS.

YOU EXERCISE
EVERY MORNING.

FOR HEALTH,
NOT FOR FIGHTING.

I'D GLADLY LAY DOWN
MY LIFE FOR YOU, JULIE,

IF IT WERE
NECESSARY.

HOWEVER, HITTING ELLIOTT
WOULD NOT ONLY BE POINTLESS,

BUT IT WOULD BE
A VIOLATION

OF EVERY PRINCIPLE
THAT I HAVE.

IT WOULD BE THE MOST VICIOUS
EXPRESSION OF JEALOUSY.

YOU WOULDN'T WANT
THAT, WOULD YOU?

YES, I WOULD!

AND BESIDES, IT WOULDN'T BE FAIR TO HIM.

I'M BEGINNING TO THINK
I OWE HIM AN APOLOGY.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE THIS WHOLE SITUATION
IS PARTIALLY MY FAULT.

YOUR FAULT?

IN A WAY.

I THOUGHT THAT
SEEING A LOT OF YOU

WOULD BE GOOD
FOR ELLIOTT.

I THOUGHT THAT A
WELL-BALANCED, DISCIPLINED WOMAN

LIKE YOURSELF-

WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE!

YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU
PRESCRIBED ME FOR ELLIOTT?

YOU'RE PUTTING IT
IN ITS WORST LIGHT.

I MERELY THOUGHT THAT IN
AS MUCH AS I'D BE WORKING-

WHY, YOU... YOU...
YOU ESKIMO!

ESKIMO?

DON'T YOU KNOW ABOUT ESKIMOS, PROFESSOR?

ESKIMOS LOAN THEIR WIVES
TO OTHER ESKIMOS.

JULIE, YOU'RE GETTING
OUT OF CONTROL AGAIN.

YOU'RE BEING JUST
AS UNREASONABLE

AS YOU WERE THIS AFTERNOON ABOUT NELLIE.

I DIDN'T LOAN YOU
TO NELLIE.

YOU WANDERED INTO HER
IGLOO RIGHT BY YOURSELF.

AND LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING ELSE

ABOUT THAT UNFORGIVABLE
CRIME CALLED JEALOUSY.

I WENT OUT DANCING
WITH A MAN ONCE,

AND ANOTHER MAN
GOT FRESH WITH ME,

AND THE MAN I WAS WITH
POPPED HIM RIGHT IN THE NOSE,

AND HE DIDN'T STOP TO THINK
HOW LONG IT HAD BEEN

SINCE HE LAST FOUGHT, EITHER,
AND MAYBE HE WASN'T INTELLIGENT,

BUT HE WAS A MAN, AND
HIS NAME WAS BOB JORDAN.

WHO'S BOB JORDAN?

YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL
WHO BOB JORDAN IS!

THAT WAS THE NIGHT
I SAID I'D MARRY HIM.

OH, YES, YES. THE FELLOW
WITH THE LUMBERYARD.

WITH THE FILLING STATION!

OH, YES. YES.
POOR FELLOW.

JULIE, LET ME MAKE
A FEW POINTS CLEAR-

NO, LET ME MAKE A FEW
POINTS CLEAR TO YOU.

JOHN, YOU'VE RUN YOUR LIFE,
AND YOU'VE TRIED TO RUN OUR LIFE

ON RULES AND PRINCIPLES
THAT YOU FIGURED OUT.

THAT WAS PERFECTLY
ALL RIGHT WITH ME.

I DIDN'T KNOW HALF THE TIME
WHAT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT.

BUT I LOVED YOU AND YOU
LOVED ME, AND THAT WAS THAT.

YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU,
JULIE.

SURE YOU DO. YOU'VE GOT A WHOLE
CHAPTER ABOUT IT IN THAT BOOK OF YOURS.

LET ME
READ THAT TO-

YOUR LOVE FOR ME IS MADE OUT
OF PAPER WITH PRINTING ON IT.

MY LOVE CAN'T EVEN READ, SO
WHAT GOOD ARE THEY TOGETHER?

YOU'VE GOT A GREAT BOOK,
JOHN, AND A GREAT SYSTEM,

BUT IT'S GOT NO BLOOD.
IT'S GOT NO HEART.

AND YOU, YOU'VE STOPPED
BEING THE AUTHOR OF IT.

YOU'RE TRYING TO CRAWL IN BETWEEN
THE COVERS AND TAKE ITS PLACE,

AND I WON'T HAVE IT!

I'M PRETTY SICK AND
TIRED OF YOUR NOT KNOWING

WHO BOB JORDAN IS.

JOHN...

ISN'T THAT BOB JORDAN?

OH, JOHN...

JOHN.

HUH?

HUH? WHAT? WHAT'S
THE MATTER? WHAT?

WHAT?

HEARTBURN?

"OF ALL MARITAL VICES,

"THE MOST MALE...

"MALE... UH, MALEFIC

"IS THE DELIBERATE PROVOKING
OF ONE SPOUSE OF JEALOUSY

"ON THE PART OF THE OTHER.

"IT IS NOT ONLY MALEFIC
BUT DELE...

DELETERIOUS
TO MARRIAGE ITSELF."

MALEFIC. DELETERIOUS.

UH, MRS. HATHAWAY?

YES. WHERE ARE YOU?

UH, THESE ARE
FOR YOU.

OH!

SIGN HERE, PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

OH, JOHN!

I'M SHAVING.

I WON'T BE A MINUTE. I
WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

ALL RIGHT.

LOOK WHAT I GOT.

AREN'T THEY PRETTY? WHO
ARE THEY FROM? ELLIOTT?

OH, UH, YES.

REMORSE.
FROM THE QUANTITY,

HE MUST BE FEELING
PARTICULARLY GUILTY.

WHAT DOES THE CARD SAY?

OH, WHAT DOES THE CARD SAY? OH, NOTHING.

NOTHING, JUST THAT HE
WANTS ME TO FORGIVE HIM.

ARE YOU GOING TO?

WHY NOT? OF COURSE. IT
WASN'T ELLIOTT'S FAULT.

HE'S A SICK MAN.

HE HAS NO EMOTIONAL
DISCIPLINE.

HMM.

OH, JOHN.

HUH?

I THOUGHT I'D GO LOOK FOR
OUR NEW APARTMENT TODAY.

YOU CAN'T GO,
CAN YOU?

I WISH I COULD,
BUT I CAN'T.

I GOT SOME WORK TO
FINISH UP THIS MORNING,

AND NELLIE'S COMING
THIS AFTERNOON.

WELL, THEN, IF YOU HAVE TO WORK ALL DAY,

AND SINCE I'VE HAD
MY BREAKFAST-

YOURS IS
ON THE TABLE-

I'LL JUST RUN ALONG.

YEAH. WHY DON'T YOU?

YOU PICK OUT
THE ONE YOU LIKE.

BE ALL RIGHT WITH ME.
USE YOUR OWN JUDGMENT.

OH, YOU KNOW I HAVE
NO JUDGMENT, DARLING.

YOU DO THE THINKING
FOR BOTH OF US.

DON'T BE GONE
TOO LONG.

WELL, YOU CAN'T TELL
HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE

TO FIND WHAT
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

JOHN, WHAT DOES
"MALEFIC" MEAN?

IT MEANS "EVIL,"
"BAD." WHY?

WHAT DOES
"DELETERIOUS" MEAN?

MEANS THE SAME
AS "MALEFIC." WHY?

DO YOU THINK I'M
MALEFIC AND DELETERIOUS?

HA! YOU COULDN'T BE
IF YOU WANTED TO BE.

OH, YOU'RE SWEET.

OW! OW!

COME IN!

GOOD MORNING,
MY FRIEND.

MORNING.

SALUTATIONS,
FELICITATIONS,

AND ALL THAT SORT OF
THING. WHERE'S JULIE?

APARTMENT HUNTING.

VOILA! FINI!
THE END!

IN A WAY, IT'S JUST
THE BEGINNING.

THE BOOK IS FINISHED,
BUT IS IT GOOD?

OH, IT'S WONDERFUL.

YOU THINK PEOPLE
WILL BUY IT?

IT'S WONDERFUL!

ISN'T IT A LOVELY
SUNNY DAY OUTSIDE?

LOVELY AND SUNNY!

NELLIE, ARE YOU SICK?

OH, IN A WAY.

YOU DRUNK?

IN A WAY. OH, JOHN,
I'VE HOOKED HIM.

ELLIOTT?

WE'RE GOING TO BE MARRIED
IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.

OH, YOU WERE
SO RIGHT.

HE SAID
THAT HE NEEDED ME.

WHY, OF COURSE,
I WAS RIGHT.

OF COURSE HE NEEDED
YOU. CONGRATULATIONS!

SAY, I GOT SOME CHAMPAGNE
LEFT. PROBABLY FLAT BY NOW.

YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE
STUFF WITHOUT THE BUBBLES.

I'VE GOT ENOUGH
BUBBLES IN ME

FOR ALL THE FLAT CHAMPAGNE IN THE WORLD.

TELEGRAM
FOR MR. HATHAWAY.

THANK YOU.
IT'S FOR YOU!

OPEN IT, WILL YOU?

GOT TO WHIRL THE
CHAMPAGNE COLD AND DIZZY.

AH!

WHAT DOES IT SAY?

REMEMBER ME, THE BRIDE
THE SUN SHINES ON?

WELL, THE SUN'S
TURNED WET.

EVERYTHING'S
TURNED WET.

WELL, WHAT IS IT,
NELLIE?

"I'VE DECIDED TO GO
TO ELLIOTT'S ISLAND.

KNOW YOU WON'T MIND.
LOVE, JULIE."

LET ME SEE THAT.

THAT DOESN'T
MAKE SENSE.

JULIE WENT
APARTMENT HUNTING.

WHY WOULD SHE SEND ME
A WIRE LIKE THIS?

BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T
WANT YOU TO BE UPSET

WHILE SHE'S HUNTING.

WHY SHOULD SHE GO
TO ELLIOTT'S ISLAND?

BECAUSE IT'S A HAPPY
HUNTING GROUND.

OH, NOW, DON'T GO LEAPING
TO CONCLUSIONS ABOUT THIS.

THE WHOLE IDEA
IS FANTASTIC.

IN THE FIRST PLACE,
THERE'S HIS BEARD.

NO MAN WITH A BEARD
COULD ATTRACT JULIE.

WHY? OR IS IT
A LONG STORY?

YES, IT IS A LONG STORY,
SO JUST TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.

WHO SENT
THE FLOWERS?

OR IS THAT
A LONG STORY, TOO?

ELLIOTT. THIS MORNING.

WHERE'S THE CARD?

SHE THREW IT AWAY
IN THERE.

GO SEE IF THERE'S AN
OVERNIGHT BAG MISSING.

OH, THIS IS
RIDICULOUS.

LOOK, I'M NOT
A PSYCHOLOGIST.

I'M JUST A BRIDE BEING
STOOD UP AT THE ALTAR.

NOW GO SEE
IF HER BAG IS MISSING.

WELL, THERE IS A BAG
MISSING, ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S THAT, BUBBA.
COME ON.

COME ON WHERE?

TO THE ISLAND.

NONSENSE. THAT'S JUST WHAT JULIE WANTS.

SHE'S PROBABLY GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT

THAT IF SHE GOES TO THE
ISLAND, LETS ME KNOW ABOUT IT,

I'LL GET JEALOUS
AND FOLLOW.

WELL?

I'M NOT JEALOUS, AND
I'M NOT GOING TO FOLLOW.

DO YOU MEAN TO SAY
THAT YOU'D LET YOUR WIFE

WANDER ABOUT
A LONELY ISLAND

WITH A MAN LIKE ELLIOTT
AND NOT GET JEALOUS?

OH, JOHN, MY CAR'S
DOWNSTAIRS.

NELLIE.

DON'T YOU TRUST ELLIOTT?

CERTAINLY NOT!

WELL, THEN, HOW CAN YOU
MARRY A MAN YOU DON'T TRUST?

I'D ONLY MARRY A MAN
I COULDN'T TRUST.

BUT FOR THE PAST 3 WEEKS,
YOU'VE BEEN WORKING ON A BOOK

THAT SAYS TRUST IS THE
BASIS OF MODERN MARRIAGE.

IT ELIMINATES JEALOUSY.

AND WHO WANTS TO
ELIMINATE JEALOUSY?

WELL, DON'T YOU?

I LOVE IT! HOW COULD I
KNOW THAT I WANTED A MAN

IF I DIDN'T HATE EVERYBODY
ELSE WHO WANTED HIM?

HOW COULD
I BE JEALOUS

IF I COULDN'T
BE JEALOUS?

BUT THE BOOK SAYS-

THE BOOK! THE BOOK! YOU
TALK AS IF IT WERE RELIGION.

AND YOU TALK
AS IF YOU WERE JULIE.

OH, LET'S NOT TALK
ABOUT IT AT ALL ANYMORE.

LET'S GET UP
TO THAT ISLAND.

YES. BY ALL MEANS, LET'S
GET UP TO THAT ISLAND.

BUT I'M NOT GOING UP
AFTER JULIE.

I'M GOING UP TO GET THAT CONTRACT
CANCELED. I WANT MY BOOK BACK.

YOU CAN TELL ELLIOTT
ALL ABOUT IT. NOW, COME ON.

THERE'S SUCH A THING AS SELF-RESPECT.
THERE'S SUCH A THING AS PRINCIPLE.

AND THERE'S SUCH A
THING AS BEING TOO LATE.

MAYBE YOU ARE RIGHT ABOUT
JULIE. MAYBE THIS IS JUST A TEST.

MAYBE WE'RE A COUPLE
OF GUINEA PIGS.

DO GUINEA PIGS TRUST EACH
OTHER, PROFESSOR? COME ON.

COME IN. COME IN.
COME IN.

ARE YOU CAPTAIN
MAKEPEACE LIVERIGHT?

THAT I AM.

THE TAXI DRIVER SAID
YOU COULD TAKE ME ACROSS

TO MR. MORGAN'S
ISLAND.

THAT I CAN.
THAT I CAN.

BUT MR. ELLIOTT DIDN'T THINK
YOU'D BE COMING OUT TONIGHT.

NO. HE DIDN'T.

NO. HE EXPECTED YOU
TOMORROW MORNING.

IN A WAY, I'M NOT
EXPECTED AT ALL.

I'M DROPPING IN.

FROM NEW YORK?

FROM... YES.

YES. IT'S QUITE A LONG
DROP FROM NEW YORK TO HERE.

WELL, I GUESS
WE'D BETTER GET GOING

BEFORE IT BLOWS UP
ANY WORSE.

DOGGONE RAIN. I'VE BEEN HERE
A LONG TIME, BUT I...

JUST FOLLOW THAT PATH
THROUGH THE TREES.

YOU CAN'T MISS
THE HOUSE.

AND LOOK OUT YOU DON'T
GET HIT BY LIGHTNING.

I'M PRETTY FAST
ON MY FEET.

H- HELLO?

ELLIOTT?

SILLY, ROMANTIC
LITTLE GIRL.

AND NOW FOR
THE BIG $2.00 QUESTION.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING
IS THE PRESENT

PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES:

THOMAS JEFFERSON, FRANKLIN
D. ROOSEVELT, MICKEY ROONEY?

AAH!

DON'T YOU DARE
COME IN HERE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN THERE?

MY CLOTHES ARE ALL WET.
I'M TAKING THEM OFF.

WELL, PUT THEM RIGHT BACK
ON AGAIN AND GET OUT OF HERE!

I'LL BE OUT
IN A MINUTE.

I MEAN
OFF THIS ISLAND!

HELLO, ELLIOTT.

AH!

JULIE.

JULIE, THERE'S SOMETHING
YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU TOLD
ME TO GO STAND BY THE FIRE

WHILE YOU MADE
A PHONE CALL?

THAT WAS
A LIFETIME AGO.

IT WAS LAST NIGHT.

WELL, LAST NIGHT
WAS A LIFETIME.

NELLIE AND I
ARE GOING TO BE MARRIED.

OH, HOW WONDERFUL! I'M
SO GLAD FOR HER SAKE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
FOR HER SAKE?

WHY, I'M THE LUCKIEST
MAN IN THE WORLD.

WELL,
OF COURSE YOU ARE.

IT'S JUST THAT NELLIE FINALLY MADE IT.

SHH!

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

I THOUGHT I HEARD
SOMEONE COMING.

WHO?

JUST JOHN.

JOHN.

OH, JOHN. OH.

OH, WELL, WHY DIDN'T
YOU SAY SO?

YOU CAME UP HERE
TOGETHER.

OH, NO. NO.
BUT HE'LL FOLLOW ME.

I SENT HIM A WIRE
TELLING HIM I WAS UP HERE.

WHAT DID YOU
DO THAT FOR?

TO MAKE HIM JEALOUS,
TO TEST HIS LOVE-

GET YOUR CLOTHES ON! THIS IS A
PRIVATE HOME, NOT A TESTING GROUND!

WHERE'S CAPTAIN MAKEPEACE?

HE'S GONE BACK
TO THE MAINLAND.

OH, IF NELLIE EVER HEARS ABOUT THIS, I-

I'VE GOT TO GET YOU OUT OF HERE!

OH, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

THERE'S A SEARCHLIGHT ON THE ROOF.

I'M GOING TO SIGNAL
CAPTAIN MAKEPEACE

TO COME BACK HERE
AND PICK YOU UP.

NOW GET
YOUR CLOTHES ON.

WHAT HAPPENED?

I HAVE JUST FALLEN
DOWN STAIRS.

THAT WAS A SILLY
THING TO DO.

I ALWAYS FALL DOWN
STAIRS. IT'S FUN.

THIS STORM MUST HAVE PUT THE POWERHOUSE

OUT OF COMMISSION.

THE LIGHTS
WILL COME ON AGAIN.

THEY WILL NOT.

OH, YES, THEY WILL.

LOOK. I LIVE HERE,
AND I OUGHT TO KNOW

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
THE LIGHTS GO OUT.

IN A STORM LIKE THIS, THEY STAY OUT!

SMARTY-PANTS.

NOW THEY PROBABLY
WON'T COME ON AGAIN.

SHUT UP!

WELL, YOU DON'T NEED
TO GET NASTY ABOUT IT.

I DIDN'T WRECK
THE POWERHOUSE.

NO, BUT YOU COULD.

NOW, WHERE ARE
THOSE MATCHES?

MATCHES.

I'VE GOT SOME.

WELL, COME ON OVER HERE
AND LIGHT THIS LAMP.

RIGHT HERE. RIGHT HERE. I'M HOLDING IT.

AAH!

OH! MY BEARD!
I'M ON FIRE! OH!

WELL, WHAT DID YOU
STICK IT IN THE LAMP FOR?

LOOK. GET INTO
THAT BEDROOM

WHERE YOU CAME FROM.

LOCK THE DOOR AND THROW
THE KEY OUT OF THE WINDOW.

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN
WHEN JOHN GETS HERE?

HE'LL FIND ME
IN MY BEDROOM

WITH THE DOOR
LOCKED...

DOUBLE-BOLTED AND
BARRICADED! GOOD NIGHT!

ELLIOTT?

ELLIOTT?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WHERE DID YOU
PUT THE SUGAR?

NOT IN MY BEDROOM.
GET OUT!

WHAT'S THAT NOISE?
IS THERE A DOG IN THERE?

NO. JUST ME.

STOP MAKING NOISES
AND GET OUT OF MY BEDROOM.

I'M CRYING,
YOU BIG APE!

WELL, STOP IT!

WAIT UNTIL
JOHN GETS HERE,

AND WE'LL ALL HAVE
A GOOD CRY.

OH!

NOW WHAT?

THAT'S WHAT I'M
CRYING ABOUT.

WHAT IS?

JOHN WON'T GET HERE.
HE'S NOT COMING HERE.

I THOUGHT YOU SENT HIM
AN INVITATION.

PROBABLY NEVER
EVEN READ IT.

HE AND NELLIE PROBABLY STARTED TO WORK

ON THAT OLD BOOK AND
NEVER EVEN OPENED IT.

WHAT DROPPED?

MY HEART.

OH.

DID YOU SAY THAT NELLIE WAS
WITH HIM WHEN HE GOT THAT WIRE?

SHE MUST HAVE BEEN.
THEY WERE GOING TO WORK.

WHAT? GET OUT
OF MY BEDROOM!

WHAT DO WE CARE
WHAT NELLIE THINKS?

SHE'S THE LEAST
OF MY TROUBLES.

SOMEDAY WE'RE
GOING TO SIT DOWN

AND HAVE A NICE LONG
TALK ABOUT YOUR TROUBLES.

JOHN, YOU'VE COME!

WHERE'S ELLIOTT?

WHAT DO YOU DO,
COLLECT HUSBANDS?

OH, JOHN!

COME OUT, YOU WORM,
AND COME OUT TALKING!

OH, DARLING, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

I CAN EXPLAIN
EVERYTHING.

I'M SURE YOU CAN. BESIDES,
YOUR BEING HERE ISN'T IMPORTANT.

COME OUT OF THERE, ELLIOTT.
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

IT ISN'T
IMPORTANT?!

I'M NOT
COMING OUT

UNTIL EVERYBODY
CALMS DOWN.

EVERYBODY'S BEING
TOO HYSTERICAL!

WILL YOU COME OUT IF
I PROMISE TO CALM DOWN

AND NOT GET
HYSTERICAL?

NO!

IT ISN'T
IMPORTANT.

ALL RIGHT, THEN.
STAY IN THERE.

I CAN SAY MY PIECE
FROM HERE JUST AS WELL.

NOBODY UNDERSTANDS THE TRUTH.
EVERYBODY'S TOO HYSTERICAL.

I UNDERSTAND THE TRUTH.
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

I'M TIRED OF BEING LIED TO AND TOLERATED

AS IF I WERE
AN IDIOT CHILD.

NOW, WAIT, JOHN. LET'S
HANDLE ONE THING AT A TIME.

THERE IS
ONLY ONE THING.

I CAME UP HERE TO TELL ELLIOTT
MORGAN HE CAN'T PUBLISH MY BOOK.

THE BOOK! THE BOOK!
WHAT ABOUT ME?

NELLIE, WHAT'S HE
TALKING ABOUT?

HE WANTS
HIS BOOK BACK.

WELL, HE CAN'T HAVE IT.
IT'S ON OUR SPRING LIST.

THEN TAKE IT OFF
OF YOUR SPRING LIST.

THAT ISN'T
MY BOOK, ANYWAY.

IT'S A CHEAP LYING
VERSION OF WHAT I WROTE.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN
THAT BOOK, ANY OF YOU.

YOU JUST SEE IT AS A CHANCE
TO MAKE A LOT OF MONEY QUICK.

WELL, IS THAT BAD?

THIS BOOK WASN'T DASHED OFF IN
A HURRY TO MAKE A FEW DOLLARS.

IT'S AN EXPRESSION OF THE
IDEALS AND PRINCIPLES I LIVE BY,

AND PRINCIPLES
ARE A MAN'S LIFE.

HE'S GOT TO KEEP THEM
CLEAN AND PURE.

WHAT ABOUT KEEPING HIS
WIFE'S NAME CLEAN AND PURE?

DON'T BE SILLY, JULIE. NOBODY'S
BLAMED YOU FOR ANYTHING.

WHY NOT? THAT'S WHAT I
WANT TO KNOW. WHY NOT?

IS IT SO
INCONCEIVABLE

THAT I COULD DO
SOMETHING WRONG?

HAVE I GOT A HALO
AROUND MY NECK... HEAD?

PLEASE, JULIE.
DON'T INTERRUPT.

I CAME HERE WITH A
DEFINITE PURPOSE IN MIND.

SO DID I.

JOHN, YOU'RE GETTING
TOO EXCITED.

EVERYBODY'S
TOO HYSTERICAL!

YOU KEEP
OUT OF THIS.

YOU COULD USE A LITTLE OF THAT YOURSELF.

ELLIOTT, WILL YOU COME
OUT OF THAT BATHROOM?!

NOT UNTIL EVERYBODY
CALMS DOWN!

WELL, I DON'T CARE WHETHER
YOU COME OUT OR NOT!

I'M TAKING MY BOOK
AND MY PRINCIPLES,

AND I'M GOING BACK TO
DIGBY COLLEGE WITH THEM.

THERE, AT LEAST ALL I HAVE
TO DO IS BRING PSYCHOLOGY

DOWN TO THE LEVEL OF A BUNCH
OF FOOTBALL PLAYING GORILLAS.

I DON'T HAVE TO EXPOSE
MYSELF TO THE WORLD

AS A CHEAP
COMMERCIAL RACKETEER!

COME ON, JULIE.
WE'RE LEAVING.

I'M NOT GOING
ANYWHERE!

YOU DIDN'T EVEN
INCLUDE ME

IN THE LIST YOU'RE TAKING BACK TO DIGBY.

ALL RIGHT. GO AHEAD.
GO WITHOUT ME.

YOU TAKE YOUR BOOK AND YOUR
IDEALS AND YOUR PRINCIPLES

AND GO BACK TO DIGBY,
BECAUSE I'M NOT GO-

YOU LET ME ALONE!
DON'T YOU DARE DO THAT!

YOU LET ME-NOW,
I'M NOT GOING TO-

IF YOU'D ONLY
THINK THINGS OUT

BEFORE YOU
DO THEM, JULIE.

YOU MUST HAVE KNOWN
PERFECTLY WELL

I WOULDN'T BELIEVE YOU
CAPABLE OF COMING UP HERE

JUST TO BE
WITH ELLIOTT.

WHY SHOULDN'T YOU BELIEVE
IT? EVERYBODY ELSE DID.

YOU DID IT JUST
TO MAKE ME JEALOUS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THEN WHY PICK
A MAN WITH A BEARD?

YOU HATE BEARDS, AND YOU KNOW I KNOW IT.

WELL, THAT'S
BESIDE THE POINT.

YOU JUST DON'T CARE.

YOU JUST DON'T CARE
WHETHER I LOVE YOU OR NOT.

STOP TALKING
LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL.

STOP ARGUING AND STOP
MAKING ME DRAG YOU.

ARE YOU COMING,
JULIE?

I WANT YOU
TO DRAG ME.

I WON'T DRAG YOU.

THEN I'M NOT COMING.

VERY WELL, I'LL GO BY
MYSELF. I'LL SEE YOU AT DIGBY!

OH!

DO SOMETHING!
JUMP IN AFTER HIM!

WHAT GOOD WILL THAT DO?
I CAN'T SWIM!

JOHN! JOHN,
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

I'M ALL RIGHT.

THEN IN THAT CASE, TELL
HIM TO SWIM AFTER THE BOAT.

WE CAN'T GET OFF THE ISLAND WITHOUT IT.

JOHN! JOHN, THE BOAT.
SWIM TO THE BOAT.

MY TIE IS CAUGHT.

JOHN! JOHN!

YEAH. MEN WERE
DIFFERENT IN MY DAY.

A MAN COULD FALL
IN THE WATER

WITHOUT BEING
SICK ABED.

DID YOU EVER GET YOUR
NECKTIE CAUGHT IN A PROPELLER?

NO. I CAN'T SAY
AS I HAVE.

WELL, TRY IT
SOMETIME.

WHERE'S MY WIFE?

WHY HASN'T MY WIFE
BEEN IN TO SEE ME?

WHICH ONE
IS YOUR WIFE?

THAT'S THE ONE.
THAT'S MY WIFE.

I THINK I'LL GO AND SEE WHAT I CAN DO

ABOUT SIGNALING
SOMEBODY ONSHORE.

YOU KNOW, WE'D
BETTER BE THINKING

ABOUT GETTING BACK
TO THE MAINLAND.

HOW DO YOU FEEL?

FINE.

JUST FINE, THANK YOU.

YOU CATCH COLD
SO EASILY,

IT'S A WONDER YOU NEVER HAD PNEUMONIA.

WELL, MAYBE
I'LL GET IT THIS TIME.

BUT YOU JUST SAID
YOU FELT FINE.

HAVE YOU FORGIVEN ME?

YES, JOHN.
I'VE FORGIVEN YOU.

OH, THEN I FEEL FINE.
FINE AND DANDY.

THEN I MIGHT AS WELL
TELL YOU NOW.

TELL ME?

I'M LEAVING YOU.

I CAN'T BE
YOUR WIFE ANYMORE.

I'M GOING BACK TO
CANVILLE AND MY MOTHER.

AND BOB JORDAN?

THIS IS NO TIME

FOR YOU TO START REMEMBERING BOB JORDAN.

SIT DOWN HERE,
WILL YOU?

NO, JOHN. I WON'T.
I'LL SIT RIGHT HERE.

I'M NOT AS SMART
AS YOU ARE,

AND I'VE MADE UP MY MIND
NOT TO LET YOU CHANGE IT.

OH.

WELL, THEN I'LL COME
OVER AND SIT BY YOU.

PLEASE, JOHN.
DON'T BE UNFAIR.

MAYBE YOU'RE
BEING UNFAIR.

MAYBE I AM.

I LOVE YOU. YOU BELIEVE THAT, DON'T YOU?

YES. AND I LOVE YOU.

WELL, THEN.

WELL, MAYBE WE DON'T
LOVE EACH OTHER ENOUGH.

MAYBE THAT'S IT.

IF WE LOVED
EACH OTHER ENOUGH,

NOTHING ELSE
WOULD MATTER.

WELL, WHAT ELSE
DOES MATTER?

OH, SILLY THINGS
THAT SHOULDN'T,

LIKE... WELL, LIKE MY NOT
BEING AS CLEVER AS YOU ARE

AND NOT UNDERSTANDING ALL YOUR THEORIES

AND...
AND PRINCIPLES.

THEY'RE
SO IMPORTANT TO YOU.

THEY'RE WHAT A MAN LIVES FOR, YOU SAID.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT...

THAT THE ONLY THING THAT
COUNTED WAS OUR LOVE,

THAT THERE WAS
NOTHING AS IMPORTANT

AS OUR LOVE
FOR EACH OTHER.

BUT THEY'RE
PART OF US, JULIE.

THEY'RE PART
OF OUR LOVE.

THEY'RE NOT
PART OF MINE.

I- I CAN'T THINK
ALL THE TIME.

YOUR LOVE IS SOMETHING
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IT'S... IT'S GOT TOO MANY
SYLLABLES FOR ME OR SOMETHING.

I DON'T FEEL VERY WELL.

WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU?

OH, I GOT A FEVER.
I ACHE ALL OVER.

I MUST BE VERY SICK.

YOU'RE NOT SICK
AT ALL.

JUST GOT A COLD
IN THE HEAD.

YOU'RE TRYING TO WORK ON MY SYMPATHIES

SO I'LL STAY HERE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

EVER SINCE WE WERE
FIRST MARRIED,

I MADE BELIEVE
YOU FOOL ME

WITH ALL THOSE
TRICKS OF YOURS.

I THOUGHT THEY WERE
VERY CLEVER TRICKS.

I LOVED THEM.

THEY SHOWED ME YOU WERE A HUMAN BEING,

AND THEY ALSO
PROVED TO ME

THAT WHEN YOU WERE
A HUMAN BEING,

I WAS SMARTER
THAN YOU ARE.

JULIE...

JULIE, I'LL BE
A HUMAN BEING.

YOU COULDN'T BE ANY MORE THAN I COULD BE

A PROFESSOR
OF PSYCHOLOGY.

REMEMBER ABOUT
THE COFFEE, JOHN.

ORDER IT DURING
THE MEAT COURSE

SO THAT WHEN YOU GET READY TO DRINK IT,

IT WILL BE
COOL ENOUGH.

ALSO, YOU PROMISED ME ABOUT THE DENTIST.

AND, JOHN, DON'T WEAR BLUE
TROUSERS WITH A BROWN COAT.

I KNOW MEN DON'T CARE
MUCH ABOUT THOSE THINGS,

BUT WOMEN DO.

JULIE!

COME IN.

PEACE. OH,
IT'S WONDERFUL.

WHAT IS?

ELLIOTT AND I.
HE'S INNOCENT.

OH, I KNOW IT.
I BELIEVE IT.

OF COURSE HE'S INNOCENT,
WITH THAT BEARD.

AND, JOHN, I...

WE ALL OWE YOU
AN APOLOGY.

WE WERE SUCH IDIOTS FOR
DOUBTING YOU AND YOUR BOOK

FOR ONE
SILLY MOMENT.

I'VE TALKED
TO ELLIOTT,

AND HE INSISTS UPON
PUBLISHING IT JUST AS IT WAS

WITHOUT CHANGING
ONE DIVINE WORD,

BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN
SO RIGHT, JOHN.

YOU'VE BEEN RIGHT ALL
THE TIME ABOUT EVERYTHING.

OH, WELL,
THAT'S JUST GREAT.

NOTHING COULD GIVE ME MORE
SATISFACTION AT THE PRESENT MOMENT

THAN TO KNOW I'VE BEEN
ABSOLUTELY RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING.

OH. OH, YOU MEAN
ABOUT JULIE.

YOU KNOW ABOUT HER?

YEAH. YEAH,
SHE TOLD US.

DON'T YOU WORRY.
SHE'LL BE BACK.

WHAT JULIE'S
GOING THROUGH NOW

IS JUST A MANIFESTATION OF JEALOUSY.

HER VANITY'S
BEEN HURT.

EVERYTHING SHE FEELS
HAS NOTHING TO DO

WITH THE BASIC FACT
THAT SHE LOVES YOU.

YOU THINK SO?

WELL, YOU THINK SO.

ALL I'M DOING IS QUOTING FROM YOUR BOOK.

DOES THE BOOK
SAY THAT?

YEAH.

WELL,
THAT SOUNDS SILLY.

SILLY? WHY, JOHN,
IN YEARS TO COME,

THAT BOOK WILL REPLACE
THE BILL OF RIGHTS.

HEARTBREAK WILL VANISH LIKE HEARTBURN.

JEALOUSY WILL HAVE DISAPPEARED
FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH.

WELL, HOW DO YOU
FEEL, OLD MAN?

DID NELLIE TELL YOU
ABOUT THE BOOK?

WHERE IS YOUR BEARD?

WHAT?

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
WITH YOUR BEARD?

MY BEARD? OH,
I SHAVED IT OFF.

WHY?

OH, I GOT BURNED.

PLAYING WITH FIRE,
NO DOUBT!

OH, JOHN! JOHN!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M GOING TO
BEAT MORGAN!

OH, NO, NO!

I'M GOING TO BEAT
HIS FACE TO A PULP!

NO, JOHN!

NELLIE, STOP HIM!
HE'S GONE MAD!

NELLIE,
WHAT'S HAPPENED?

JOHN'S RUN AMUCK!

WHAT ABOUT?

ELLIOTT'S BEARD. IT'S OFF,
AND IT'S DRIVEN JOHN CRAZY!

HE'S JEALOUS.

COMES FROM READING
TOO MANY BOOKS.

THEY ROT OUT
A MAN'S BRAIN CELLS.

OH, SHUT UP! YOU SOUND
JUST LIKE MY MOTHER.

THIS IS KIND OF
SILLY, OLD MAN.

I MEAN, RUNNING AROUND
LIKE THIS.

YOU'LL GET TIRED,

AND WHEN YOU DO,
I'LL CATCH UP TO YOU.

WELL, WHAT'S MY BEARD
GOT TO DO WITH IT?

I'VE BEEN ON THE VERGE OF
SHAVING IT OFF MANY TIMES.

MUST HAVE BEEN A PRETTY
SUDDEN DECISION, MY FRIEND.

WHAT A GIVEAWAY.

WHAT A DEAD
GIVEAWAY.

GIVEAWAY OF WHAT? JULIE,
WHAT'S HE TALKING ABOUT?

IF YOU DON'T MIND, ELLIOTT,
I'D RATHER STAY OUT OF THIS.

IT'S GONE BEYOND
THE TALKING POINT.

HA HA!

WHAT HAS?

WHY DID YOU SHAVE
OFF YOUR BEARD?

BECAUSE JULIE SET FIRE
TO IT! DON'T LAUGH!

HA HA HA! VERY PRETTY.
VERY DEEP.

STOP RUNNING
AWAY FROM ME,

YOU NEUROTIC BLUEBEARD,
AND FIGHT!

AAH! AAH! AAH!

WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO GO
PUT SOME SHOES ON, OLD MAN?

IT WOULD MAKE THINGS A
LOT EASIER ON YOUR FEET.

NEVER MIND
ABOUT MY FEET!

IT WILL GIVE US A
CHANCE TO TALK THINGS OVER.

ALL YOU WANT TO DO
IS TALK. I WANT TO FIGHT!

AAH! AAH! AAH!

HAS HE BEEN DRINKING?

YOU KNOW, INDIANS
CAN'T STAND FIREWATER.

NO, HE HASN'T BEEN
DRINKING. HE'S JEALOUS.

THAT'S RIGHT,
ISN'T IT, JOHN?

YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS,
AREN'T YOU?

JEALOUS. JEALOUS?
CERTAINLY NOT.

OH, FORGIVE ME.

NOW THAT I SEE THIS MAN'S
FACE, IT HAPPENS TO REVOLT ME.

THAT'S ALL. I INTEND
TO BASH IT TO A PULP.

JUST BECAUSE
I SHAVED?

RIGHT!

HAVEN'T I GOT
A RIGHT TO SHAVE?

NOT UNDER THESE
CIRCUMSTANCES!

I'VE HAD ENOUGH
OF THIS!

WHOA! ISN'T
JOHN BRILLIANT?

OH! SO YOU HIT ME WHEN
MY BACK IS TURNED, HUH?

PRETTY DIRTY!

THEY AIN'T IN VERY
GOOD CONDITION, ARE THEY?

YEAH, BUT THINK OF THE
MILEAGE WE GET OUT OF THEM.

HERE COMES
OUR BOAT.

LET'S STOP
THIS FIGHT

AND GET THE BOYS DOWN TO THE
WHARF, AND IF YOU'RE SMART,

YOU'LL NEVER MENTION THE
WORD "JEALOUSY" AGAIN.

WHY SHOULD I? THERE'S NO
SUCH THING AS JEALOUSY.

OH!

DO YOU SUPPOSE
SOMEBODY SNEAKED IN

WHEN WE WASN'T LOOKING
AND HIT THEM BOTH?

THEY KNOCKED
EACH OTHER OUT.

JOHN ALWAYS WAS

A PRETTY BLOODTHIRSTY PROPOSITION.

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK THAT BEARDLESS
WONDER HAD IT COMING TO HIM.

BEARDLESS MEN
RATHER INTEREST YOU,

DON'T THEY, DEARIE?

BEARDLESS MEN,
PERHAPS.

ELLIOTT LOOKS AS IF
HE'S BEEN PEELED.

YOU KNOW, I'M
BEGINNING TO THINK

THAT I HAD ELLIOTT
WRONG ABOUT THIS

FROM THE VERY START.

RIGHT OR WRONG,

YOU NEVER EVEN HAD
ELLIOTT, HONEY.

YOU DID YOUR BEST,
ANGEL.

MY BEST.

KITTEN, ALL I HAD
TO DO WAS THAT.

LADIES, PLEASE.

PLEASE DON'T DO THAT.

OH! PLEASE, LADIES.
YOU MUSTN'T.

NO, NO, NO!
PLEASE, DON'T!

OH, LADIES,
YOU MUSTN'T DO THAT.

LADIES, PLEASE!

YOU MUSTN'T DO THAT!

I TELL YOU!
YOU'RE ACTING LIKE-

HELLO, SUGAR.