All language subtitles for The Barbarian Wife (1977) -eng-

Buy it. I'm telling you, after you read it,
you won't even look at Harry.

She's a bachelor girl, too,
and they say this book answers everything.

Is this the book that shows you
how to put men in their place?

Yes, ma'am.

Look at that, Harrison,
every female from six to 60

will make this a best seller, and you're
worrying about a measly printing bill.

Take a straight wire.

Miss June Cameron,
Lakewood Lodge, Lakewood, Mass.

Dear, June, I hate to cut short your vacation,
but imperative that you return at once.

Have great idea for a sequel.

Please wire time of arrival.

Good morning.
Would somebody take my bags, please?

I'm in an awful hurry. Would you mind?

Well, I guess I'll have to take them.
Where's your car?

My... I'm not driving, you know.

But you should have.
How are you going to get to the depot?

The same way I got here.

You've still got that station wagon,
haven't you?

-Yes, yes.
-Well?

But it's up in town getting supplies.

You know, we can't afford to stock
in the way the big places do.

Oh, no, naturally not.

Nevertheless,
I've still got to get to the station.

And don't tell me you can't afford
a station around here,

because I've got to get to New York.

Sure.

If you'd left five minutes ago,
you could have made it.

If you're going to tell me
there's not another train out of here, l...

Train in the morning.
We used to have two trains a day,

but since they stopped
making shoes up north...

I don't care what
they've stopped making up north.

I've got to get to New York,
and that's all there is to it.

I beg your pardon, but would you mind
lowering your voice? I'm phoning.

-I beg your pardon.
-Thank you. What was that, Dad?

Of all the inefficient, ill-organized places
I've ever seen in my...

Please, this is a long-distance call.

Well, then why don't you phone
from a booth?

I would phone from a booth,
if there were a booth,

but this happens to be
the only phone in the place,

and it's costing me money, so please...

-All right. All right. I'm sorry. Yes.
-What did you say, Dad?

I said a radiogram just arrived

from that friend of yours,
Miss Marilyn Thomas.

Her boat gets in at noon tomorrow,

and she sends you her love.

You know,
if you can't take people to the station,

then why don't you build your hotel
on the tracks?

Will you please be quiet?

If you were a gentleman,
you'd wait until I got through.

No bell boys, no servants,
no hot water, no cold water,

-no transportation.
-Will you please stop

this childish conversation?
I can't hear a word.

You have no right
to monopolize the entire lobby.

Yes, I can do that.

-I beg your pardon. Are you hurt?
-What are you trying to do?

Just trying to get to New York. That's all.

-Well, I wish you luck.
-Thank you very much.

I'm awfully sorry I shouted at you like that.

I didn't mind,
but really you shouldn't get so excited.

It's bad for your nerve centers.

-Which way are you going?
-New York.

That's very nice of you.
Thank you very much.

-But look here...
-Now don't you bother at all.

I'll take care of my bags.
Will you put these in the car, please?

So you got a ride after all.

Yes, this kind gentleman's
going to give me one.

What've you got in here, anyway?

-Hotel clerks.
-Get out.

-What's the best road to Lakewood?
-Highway 44, if it was open.

Of course, there's Route 32,
but the mud is awfully annoying.

After you, that'll be a pleasure,
my good man. Good day.

Have you got a cigarette?

No.

Well... I think I've got some
in my coat right here.

-Trunk murderer?
-No!

You know, he's the spitting image
of my Uncle Chester.

You're fond of him, aren't you?

-lt cost $250.
-I'm sorry.

-You mind turning that box up?
-No, not at all. There you are.

-You two always travel together?
-I use him in my work.

I don't mean to pry into your private life
or anything like that,

but just what is Chester to you?

I teach neuropsychiatry.

And I'm doing some research
on migraine headaches.

The head opens up.

Just what is your theory on migraines,
in case I get a headache?

Blood vessels in the head
dilate excessively

due to excitement and overwork,
causing pressure on the nerve centers.

Yes, we travel at much too fast a pace.

Especially women.

They're not equipped to take an equal place
in a man's world.

Just what makes you think
it's a man's world?

Well, it's an accepted fact
that the male is the superior animal.

Now, in spite of what you
and little Chester here may think,

the modern woman can match you men
fiber for fiber

and have a rib left over.

I think you read that somewhere.

I did. In the most wonderful book
called Spinsters Aren't Spinach.

Oh, yes.
That chambermaid at the hotel had a copy.

-Did she?
-The one with no forehead.

You shouldn't read trash like that.

-I didn't read it.
-Well, it's just as well.

-I wrote it.
-Oh, I'm sorry.

That's all right. That's quite all right.

I didn't expect you or any other man
to enjoy it.

You know, marriage is no longer
the answer to a maiden's prayer.

Slaving over a hot stove all day

is all right for some
of the more backward members of our sex,

but there's a new kind of woman
coming into the fore.

The kind that refuses to subordinate
her personality to,

to that of the egotistical, domineering male.

Seems to me the Amazons tried it.

I forgot to send that wire. Would you
please stop at the telegraph office?

Miss, I'd like to send this wire, please.

-Hey, kid, do you want to make a quarter?
-Sure.

Well, you take this
and put it on the back of that car.

-Which one?
-That one down there.

Best regards, June Cameron.

That'll be 62 cents
and three cents tax, please.

Very well.

June Cameron. June Cameron?

Yes.

Just a minute.

I've read it three times.
I think it's simply wonderful.

I'm awfully glad you liked it.

-Would you autograph it for me?
-Yes, I'd be delighted to.

Take it easy.

-Miss Cameron.
-Yes?

You've no idea
what this book has done for me.

It's changed me into a career woman.

Well, I'm very glad.

I used to feel awful
when men didn't insult me,

-but now I don't care anymore.
-How very nice. Good bye.

-Good bye, Miss Cameron. Good bye.
-Good bye.

The traitor!

And, of course,
you men resent the intelligent woman.

You're used to that clinging vine
who inflates your ego 24 hours a day.

Good evening, Miss Cameron.

Good evening, George.
Will you take my bags, please?

By telling you
what a wonderful man you are.

Oh, no. They don't marry you for love.

They marry you for security.

The independent but frustrated female.

I wish you'd drop into my class sometime.
I'd like my students to see you.

Miss Cameron! Miss Cameron!

Miss Cameron!

Well?

Wait a minute,
where do you think you're going?

-Where's my head?
-Well, how do I know?

-I left it on the seat in the car.
-You did not, you've got it!

I have not got it,
and will you please get out of here?

-Not until I get my head.
-But I haven't got it, I told you.

-Will that be all, Miss Cameron?
-Yes, George, yes. That'll be all.

Thank you, very much.
Hey, that's my hat box, give it to me.

Give it to me. You're no gentleman. Give it...

I'm awfully sorry.
It looked just like my hat box.

Look what you've done.
You've broken the nose.

Why, you pulled it right out of my hands...

Oh, yes, I forgot.
The career woman is never to blame.

I'd rather not discuss it anymore,
if you don't mind.

And will you please leave?

You know,
you're really a specimen for a clinic.

-I am?
-Of all the ungrateful females.

You force your way into my car,
I drive you 400 miles,

buy the gas and oil, buy you a hamburger,

you ruin a $250 head.

Well, you are not going to need that part.

Chester won't get a headache in his nose.

All right. If that's the attitude you
are going to take, you can pay for it.

The trip cost me
exactly nine dollars and 80 cents.

You can pay half,
which is four dollars and 90 cents.

Why don't you run along
and correct some papers or something?

I'm very busy.

Ordinarily,
I'm a very calm and peaceful individual.

That's because I've got thin ear lobes
and rather thick eyebrows.

But you see these? They're thumbs.
Short thumbs, which means I'm stubborn.

And I am not going to get out of here
until I get four dollars and 90 cents.

Fortunately, my thumbs
show no evidence of Pygmy ancestors.

However, l, too,
can have my obstinate moments,

and this is one of them.

Well, we might just as well
make ourselves comfortable.

We might just as well.

You know that my first generous impulse

was to give you
your miserable four dollars and 90 cents,

but since you've adopted
this typical highhanded

Prussian attitude of the male, you...

You can just sit on those sawed-off digits
until a certain place freezes over.

Call it 75 cents,

which makes
four dollars and 15 cents you owe me.

Silver?

Nope.

Well, I'm sorry,
I would like to give you more,

but I am afraid the best I can do is a dollar,

which leaves three dollars and 15 cents.

Well, 10 years old.

That's more than I can say for you.

This might take care of the balance.

Let's be generous. Call it 40 cents a drink.

I'm wrong, 20 cents.

Mr. Pierce, this is The Morning Express.

We just received word
that June Cameron got herself married.

How about the details?

Married?

Why, my dear fellow, I'm afraid,
after midnight, I lose my sense of humor.

If June Cameron married anybody,
I'd be the first to know about it

because it would probably be me.

I can't blame you for trying to keep it quiet.

I know that wedding bells means curtains
for that best seller of hers.

I extend my condolences,

but the other papers
will have it in a couple of hours,

and I mean to beat them to it.

But this is ridiculous, old man.
Why, I tell you, only a short while ago

I received a wire from her,
and she never mentioned a word about it.

Hold on a moment.

Yeah, here it is.
I've got it in my hand right now.

-Mabel, get June Cameron's address...
-Yes?

...and send Max and a photographer
over right away.

Leaving a balance of 60 cents.

Would you like to take the rest out
in aspirin?

Don't interrupt. Marilyn never interrupts.

Wonderful girl, Marilyn.

Not like you at all.

I'm going to marry Marilyn
as soon as I become a professor,

and what's more, she's going to marry me.

Her name's Marilyn.

And I wouldn't trade her
little finger for your...

Well, I just wouldn't, that's all.

I'd marry her tomorrow, this very day,

if I was a professor,

but I'm not.

I'm just a measly
100-dollar-a-month instructor,

and that's too much to ask anybody
to marry you on. It's too much to ask.

You're quite right, Hamlet,
this is too much to ask.

Now that the bill is paid, will you leave?

Very well, if that's the way you feel about it,
very well.

I've never over-stayed
where my company wasn't welcome.

Now, that's a very good boy. Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Hey, wait a minute.

Oh, no you don't. Get off of that bed.

Get up and get out of here,
or I'll have you thrown out.

This is the car.

MD. She married a doctor.

-MD. One, five...
-Two, seven.

-What a story.
-Well, boys, I'm glad I got here.

I'm Miss Cameron's publisher.

Why, the whole thing is laughable.

Why don't you save that
for the disappointed females.

But, really. Listen, the whole thing is silly.

Well, if June Cameron's married,
then I'm the king of Turkistan.

Make way for His Majesty.

-Congratulations, where did you meet him?
-Meet who?

-Hold it, please.
-Don't say a word, just deny it.

-Deny what?
-Now one on the couch.

Now, just a minute. What's this all about?

What made you exchange the torch
for the carpet sweeper?

-Cross your legs, please.
-Yes.

Say, wouldn't you rather
I had on my bathing suit?

What made you desert the ship
and jump into the sea of matrimony?

Matrimony?

Now, wait a minute, don't tell me
what this is all about. Just let me guess.

I know, a college initiation.

Now, look, lady,
we're all losing a lot of sleep.

When, where, how, why and who
did you marry?

Say, that's a very funny gag.

-What is it?
-You see?

How could she be married?

She doesn't know a thing about it.

Stop that.

Rice.

What's your husband's name?

I haven't any husband.

I suppose that guy in there
runs a Chinese restaurant.

Johnny, throw these vultures out of here.

It's no use, June,
you might as well give them a statement.

I'll give them exactly 10 seconds
to get out of here.

All right, lady.

All right.

I'll just have to use my imagination.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
That man in there really isn't my husband.

He's a prowler.

Lady, I don't care
what your husband does for a living.

Well, Johnny, do something.
They're going to print that I'm married.

You don't have to pretend with me.
Why didn't you confide in me?

Stop it, will you? There's nothing to confide.

Where did everybody get the idea
that I was married?

What about the big surprise
in the wire from Greenwich?

That was about my sequel,

and the surprise was that I had
the first three chapters all finished.

And the "Just Married" sign?

And the partially-dressed man
in your bedroom dripping with rice?

Johnny, but it's all so simply explained.

When you come to the man in the bedroom,
it better be good.

There is nothing like a man's own bed.

Hello.

Listen, old man, Miss Cameron's
just explained everything to me.

Of course, I don't blame your reporters
for jumping to conclusions.

On the surface, it all spelled matrimony,
but, well, take a colleague's word for it

and forget the whole thing.

They're not married?

Then we'll have to print
that the gentleman in her bedroom

was not her husband.

Yeah, they're married.

Give me that phone.

Well, it was either that

or else headlines screaming of strange men
are running in and out of your bedroom.

It's all the fault
of that migraine headache in there.

Wake up, wake up, and get out of here.

You're responsible for all this.

You and your short thumbs
and your four dollars and 90 cents.

Johnny, maybe if he went down
to the editor's office and explained...

That's locking the well-known barn,
the papers will be out in 15 minutes.

Well, we've got to do something.
This will ruin my career.

Yes, and you can add my business to that.

Spinsters Aren't Spinach
was going to pay for my printing bill.

Now all we can sell the copies for
are door stops.

You don't seem to realize
the enormity of the disaster.

Oh, Johnny.

Once my creditors get through,
I'll have to sublet the water cooler.

Or will l?

-lt might be filled with champagne.
-What do you mean?

How many spinsters are there in America?

There are exactly 8,423,000

who are not going to buy my book.

And how many married women are there?

Exactly over 25 million.

You are going to write that second book,
a book about marriage.

We'll call it...
We'll call it Marriage Ain't Measles.

Sorry.

Are you sure you're feeling all right?

Perfectly. This is it.
This is our horn of plenty.

What you did for the spinster,
you can do for the housewife.

It is a bigger subject, a bigger market.

Do you get the angle? You're converted.

America's number-one bachelor girl
tastes the fruits of marriage and loves it.

Well, even if I did want
to write the book, and I don't, mind you...

Look, Johnny,
I don't know anything about marriage.

Well, what's that got to do with it?

Dante didn't have to go to hell
to write his Inferno.

Wait a minute, you mean you want me
to stay married to this, this thing?

Only until you've finished the book.
Then Reno and you can fake a divorce.

Well, you must be
pretty deeply attached to me

to cook up such an idyllic arrangement
with this medical pot-roast here.

No, thanks, Johnny, not for me.

Listen, June, I didn't mean it that way.

Now, my dear,
don't think, for one fleeting second,

that my affections for you have altered,
because they haven't.

You know how I feel about you.

Well, you have a strange way of showing it.

Throwing me into
the clutches of Dr. Jekyll in there.

It'll only be a business arrangement.

When you come back from Reno,
I shall be waiting.

I know, with an idea for a book
called Divorces Are Dynamite.

No.

No, Johnny, I wouldn't spend
one more minute with that man

if the sequel went into more editions
than the telephone book.

Well, it was fun while it lasted.

It's nobody's fault
and don't you worry about me,

I've been stuck with
larger printing bills than $7,000.

Well, you've worked so hard
to get where you are.

-I hate to be the one to...
-Now, now, now, none of that.

In this world,
you've got to think of number one, yourself.

If you want to get anywhere,
you've got to be selfish.

-I'm worried about you, Johnny.
-Sweet.

Well, I must be getting along.

Knowing that printer, I'll need a head start.
Good night, my dear.

Good night.

Johnny.

Johnny, do you actually think, if I wrote
a book about marriage, it would sell?

I knew you'd come through.
Of course it would sell.

Women would love someone to tell them
why they got married.

-Would they?
-Sure. Glorify the American home.

Sing hosannas for the fireside and security.

Yeah, yeah, that's it.
Show them how to keep romance alive,

and teach every wife how to be a sweetheart.

Yeah.

What about the other half of this deception?

Junior will never go for it.

I'll take care of him.
We'll cut him in on the profits.

You don't know Junior.
He's got short thumbs.

It's no use in talking to him now.
We'll let him sleep it off,

-and I'll be back first thing in the morning.
-Morning?

Well, we can't take him out now.
There might be reporters outside.

They'd think it was a gin marriage.

Well, everything is settled.

See you in the morning, sweetheart.

Wait a minute,
where am I supposed to sleep?

As if I didn't know.

Good morning, Johnny.

Darling, flowers.

That's very sweet. Thank you.

And how does America's favorite authoress
feel this morning?

I feel just like I slept
in a cement mixer all night, thank you.

Well, my plan looks even better in daylight.

-lt does, huh?
-Harrison, that's the printer,

-is willing to play ball.
-Oh, that's very good.

However, I think you're going
to have a hard time

getting Junior in there to join the team.

And how does he feel this morning?

I wouldn't know. Come along, and we'll wake
up the sleeping beauty together.

Well, there he is, the human question mark,
and he's all yours.

Wake up, old man. Wake up.

I bet you feel badly, don't you?

Awful.

Terrible.

-What are you doing in my room?
-ln your room?

That's right. This isn't my room. Where am l?

You're a very lucky man, you've made
money while you've been asleep.

That's it, break it to him gently.

Dr. Timothy Sterling. Well...

-Hey, this is me.
-That's right.

But I couldn't be married to you.
What'll Marilyn say?

This is a frame up. Where are my pants?

Don't look at me, I'm not wearing them.

-Get out of here.
-Now, just a minute, short thumbs.

If you don't mind, I like to change
my clothes at the beginning of each day.

I don't care what you do
at the beginning of each day.

I want my pants. Now where are they?

-I don't know where your pants are.
-Now, listen, June.

-I'll explain the whole thing to him.
-Good luck.

-Thanks. Listen, old man.
-You listen to me. What am I doing here?

-I should be at the university.
-I can explain the whole thing.

-Who are you?
-Now, let me explain.

The whole thing's
as plain as the nose on your face.

Leave my face out of this.
Where are my pants?

Then you see, they put two and two together
and said you were married.

And I'll make it worth your while
to stay that way.

No. Where are my pants?

-You know, he's stubborn.
-That's an understatement.

Where are my pants?

Maybe I'd better give him 10 percent
of the gross.

While you're at it, throw in his pants.

Now, listen, Doctor, if you'll just do
this tiny, simple little thing for me,

-I'll give you 10 percent of the gross.
-No!

It's all a cheap publicity stunt
for the trash that she writes.

I'm going straight down to the papers
and deny the whole thing.

Thanks.

-Yes?
-Dr. and Mrs. Sterling?

A wedding greeting
from Professor and Mrs. Klaushouser.

One, two, three.

Where are my pants?

-lsn't it pretty?
-No!

Dr. Sterling, I assure you,
you're making a big mistake.

I'm getting my coat
and getting out of here so fast

it'll make your head swim.

It's hardly time for hop-scotch.
Don't you think?

For you and your husband.

-Will you just take them into the bedroom?
-Yes, ma'am.

-Congratulations, Dr. Sterling.
-Oh, you, too. Get out of my way.

Where is my head?

Where's my head?

Postal telegraph wedding greeting.

Medical building. Dean Lawton.
One moment, please.

-Miss Thomas.
-Congratulations, Dr. Sterling.

Get The Morning Express and The Herald.
Get all the papers.

I want to talk to each one of them.

-Tim.
-Hello, Dad.

Look, I want to explain. It was...

You don't know how happy
you've made me.

For a time, you know,
I was afraid it was going to be Marilyn.

-You were?
-Look at that.

Your mother's chin all over again.

-Dad, please listen to me...
-A fine, well-shaped head.

-But, Dad, you've got to listen to me.
-Cameron, good Scotch blood.

Dad, will you please listen to me
and sit down?

I've got to explain something,
and it's going to be a shock.

I've got a little shock for you, my boy.

-Yes, I know but...
-But rather a pleasant one.

Now sit down, Tim. Sit down.
I just spoke to Dean Lawton.

Congratulations, Professor Sterling.

Yes, but that's beside the... Professor?

But I thought Hampshire
was going to get the post.

Well, it was very close until this morning,

but you know
how the dean feels about marriage.

And as you're a married man
and Hampshire isn't...

But it couldn't be just because I'm married.

The dean's always had a theory
that the chair of Neuropsychiatry

should be held by a married man.

A man who lives a natural, well-balanced life

will have a much sounder approach
to the study of the unbalanced.

Professor Sterling, that's too bad.

What's the matter with you, son?
Don't you want the professorship?

Yes, Dad, more than anything
else in the world, but...

But, Father, I've got to tell you the truth.

Tim, congratulations.
We're mighty happy for you, Tim.

Yeah, yeah, but look, Father,
there's something I've got to tell you.

Dean Lawton.

-Congratulations, Professor Sterling.
-Thank you.

-When can we see the bride?
-Oh, any time.

We'll all drop up tonight.

You know, for a moment,
I thought Junior was back.

Well, what do you want now?

You've ruined her career
and you've ruined my business.

-But I didn't tell the papers.
-Oh, you're going on the radio?

No, no. I've thought it over
and I realized what it meant to you both.

I knew you'd come through.

I was only just saying to Miss Cameron just
now, I know a gentleman when I see one.

That's very nice of you, Doctor.

What suddenly made you
change your mind?

Now, don't get the idea that I like this.

I'm merely doing it because I'm a gentleman

and I hate to see you ruin your career.

I... I hope you realize all the inconveniences
you'll be letting yourself in for.

The doctor knows what he's doing.

Everything's all right.
You've nothing to worry about.

Why, the book will be finished, she'll be
on her way to Reno to fake a divorce,

-even before you know it.
-Of course.

That's one thing I want to get straight.

Now when you go to Reno,
you must take all the blame.

You must make the separation look
as if it's entirely your fault.

Why?

Well, my position at the university...

Of course, of course it'll look like her fault.

Why, we're going to paint her so black

that no self-respecting man
will even look at her.

I can see chivalry is not dead.

Of course, it's not doing so well,
but it's not dead.

There's one thing more.

Now that we're married, where are we?
What do we, you know?

Oh, yes.
I've taken a year's lease on this place.

You mean we live under the same roof?

Your own brother would be safe with me.

But...

The boat.

Marilyn, she's coming on the boat at noon.

How am I going to explain this to her?

-It's perfectly simple.
-Well, then explain it to me.

But if I don't tell her the truth,
I'll lose her forever.

But you can't do that.
The secret must be between us three.

You know what women are.

She might get plastered one night
and go blab it all over the town.

If it once leaks out
that you two aren't married,

well then we can just kiss goodbye
to her career.

But I've got to tell Marilyn something.

Well, tell her for the next three months
that she must trust you.

Believe in you. Use blind faith.

Supposing she's near-sighted?

And, Doctor,
if she won't see you through this,

well, then she's not the woman
you thought she was,

and we've saved you
from making a terrific mistake.

Yes, but if she sees this
before I can talk to her,

I won't even get the chance to explain.

That's right, she shouldn't see this.

You know how to take care of women.

Yes, but do I know
how to take care of Marilyn?

-Hey...
-She likes flowers.

Well, maybe if I wrote fast enough
we could get the books out to the dealer

before the boat docks.

Wait a minute,
perhaps I've lost touch with things,

but aren't you supposed to look
like a man with a $7,000 printing bill?

I'm very unhappy, I'm a very miserable man.

I don't get it.

I hope he does not come.
I hope he's taking out somebody's adenoids.

-Then I can take you home.
-He'll be here. I know Tim.

You can always depend on Tim.

-Miss Thomas.
-Yes. Thank you.

And thank you so very much
for making my trip so pleasant.

Look, flowers.

That's another reason I just love my Tim.

He's very studious looking.

He's brilliant,
and what's more important, he's reliable.

Marilyn.

-Hello, Johnny.
-Hello, darling.

Any signs of our doctor friend?

No.

And, you know, I have a sneaking hunch

that our little headache
is going to disappoint us.

Well, I wouldn't worry about him.

-I beg your pardon.
-Excuse me.

My next door neighbor, Dr. Sterling.
Congratulations.

Oh, yes...

You won't regret it. I never did.

I've been married 16 years next Thursday.
Friday, that's it.

It's so nice
to have married people next door.

My wife's away just now,
but when she gets back

we'll arrange to set aside one night a week

where we can all have dinner together
and then play bridge.

-All right, we'll do that.
-Yes.

And if any time you need a cup of sugar,
why, remember we're right here.

-All right!
-I'll see you later.

He's back.

-She wouldn't give me a chance to explain.
-Did you hear that?

She wouldn't give him a chance to explain.

Well, don't take it so to heart.
You'd make a lovely executioner.

Now what's the matter?

Well, I opened my mouth to say something
and I got the newspaper right in it.

I'm sorry, Doctor. I'm sorry things
didn't turn out all right for you.

She'll get over it after a while.

-Here, let me take this.
-Sure.

Give her about three months.

Well, nevertheless, I think it's
darn sweet that, in spite of all the trouble,

that you're still gonna go through with this.

After all, you're not getting
anything out of it. It doesn't seem quite fair.

Well, a gentleman's word
is a gentleman's word.

If you'll just show me to my room, I'll...

Now don't you worry, Doctor.
We'll make you quite comfortable.

-I'll take that.
-We'll take your things

and put them right in here.

Johnny, the doctor can have
the two top drawers in the dresser.

I'm afraid I'll need three.

Make it three.

Well, I'd better put all these things of yours
in the bottom drawer.

Yes.

And where will I put these?

I'll show you, old man, come this way.

We'll put them in the closet, over here.
How's this?

It's a little crowded.

-Well, we'll soon fix that. June, dear.
-Yes, Johnny.

You don't need all this space, dear.
Take these things out

and put them somewhere else.

Well, there's always the icebox.

Besides, it'll be good for the furs.

Do you think this is a good location
for a branch library?

Well, if you've no objection,
I'd like to continue with my profession.

I'm preparing my fall course of study.

I see, yes.

-Now is this my bed?
-Well, you see...

Well, no. Not exactly,

but we have something wonderful for you
in the other room.

You'd really be surprised
how comfortable these things are.

They certainly are.

See, better than any bed they make.

Why, I slept there all last night
and didn't even know I was sleeping.

That's fine, then you sleep there.

I was wrong, chivalry is dead.

Yes.

Can't we get an apartment
with two bedrooms?

Yes, yes, certainly.

We can take a penthouse and have butlers
and footmen and everything.

I think it's very generous of you...

I didn't mean that. You see, with my salary,

-I can't afford to...
-There you are, Doctor. It's all yours.

We've settled everything.

Wait a minute.
Where are you going with that?

Well, I thought you could work
up on the balcony.

I can't work up there, Johnny.

When I work, I've got to pace,
and there's no room up there.

Well, you can pace like this.

Give me that.

June, don't take this attitude.
This is very trying for all of us.

It most certainly is.
You take my dresser, my closet, my bed...

By the way, I've forgot something.
Give me your left hand.

-Why?
-I'm pronouncing you man and wife.

I am going to write this book in one week.

There he'll stand, the man you love...

Relative? Hey, Pasteur...

What?

Is that thing your idea of decoration?

No, it has to be there. I keep referring to it.

Look, will you please take that thing down?

-l, I can't look at it.
-Look, this is important work.

-I'm doing you a favor by just being here.
-I know,

and I appreciate it very much.

I'm sorry, I've just got that kind
of a stomach. I can't take it.

All right.

You're an escapist. That's your trouble.

-Yes?
-My dear, I'm so happy.

-Hello, Dad.
-She's wonderful, my boy.

I'm so glad we came early.

I forgot to tell you, dear,

that some of the faculty
wanted to drop in and meet you tonight.

That's charming of you.

Congratulations, my dear.

I've known Tim
ever since he was a little boy.

Well, how sweet.

-Dr. and Mrs. Nielson.
-How do you do?

-How do you do?
-Won't you come in, please?

Thank you.

So nice of you to drop in like this.

-Yes, indeed, it certainly is.
-It's not much.

Doctor, you shouldn't have done it.

Oh, no. You shouldn't have, Doctor.

I just love surprises.

Why, it's just what we needed.
I was telling Tim only this morning...

Dear, don't you think you'd better fix
some sandwiches before the others come?

-Others?
-lsn't that wonderful?

With all she's had to do,
making fancy sandwiches.

Tim, will you take care of this
for me, please?

-May I help?
-Why, no, no, certainly not.

It only takes one to call the delicatessen.

Pimiento.

He had a recurrent bradycardia combined
with epileptoid attacks.

And there we found
a small fibril cartilaginous nodule

half the size of a pea.

Wonderful specimen, inflamed and sanious.

Sanious? I mean sandwich?

-Thank you.
-Thank you.

You've only just been initiated, my dear.

That kind of talk used to bother my wife, too.

Doctor, look,
do they always talk shop like that?

I suppose they do take it pretty seriously,

but if they didn't
there'd be a lot less people walking around

enjoying this nice weather we're having.

Yes, I suppose.

There's some cookies in there,
will you put two in each cup, please?

Two?

I'll give three to the dean.

He has a coconut fixation.

Seems to me that's playing politics a little,
isn't it?

Well, Tim's professorship
is worth an extra cookie.

-I suppose.
-You know, it's pretty funny.

For years, Tim's worked 14 hours a day
for that professorship.

-That so?
-Finally, he gets it.

-But not from his research.
-No?

Dear me, no, no.

The thing that finally decides it
is a little custom called marriage.

Wait a minute.

You mean the dean gave Tim
the professorship

because he was married to me?

Yes, both Tim and a chap called Hampshire
were up for the job.

Tim was married, Hampshire wasn't.

Another of the dean's fixations.

And I think he deserves an extra
couple of cookies for that. Don't you?

-By all means, Doctor.
-Yeah.

Yes, I'll be right there with it.

Where's the coffee?
Everybody's having a wonderful time.

-Everyone but Hampshire.
-He's not here tonight.

No he's probably out committing suicide.

-Or getting married.
-Yes.

A little late, son?

Tim, would you please give this to the dean?

Why so many cookies?

Why, you ungrateful thing.

That's a bonus
for giving you the professorship.

-Doctor, would you carry that tray for me?
-Yes, my dear.

You're not getting anything out of this.

You're only going through with it
because you're a gentleman,

and you don't want to ruin my career.

A gentleman's word is a gentleman's word.

Dean Lawton.

Thank you.

To Timothy,

who, yesterday, was only an instructor.

And tomorrow, who knows.

-Good night.
-Good night.

-Good night.
-Good night, Dean Lawton. It was nice...

-Good night.
-Good night.

-Good night.
-Good night.

-Good night.
-Good night.

-Good night, Sam.
-Good night, Dad.

-Good night, my dear.
-Good night, Doctor.

-Good night.
-Good night.

Good night, son.

-Miss Cameron, I was going to tell you...
-Oh, you were, were you?

So you were going to take my bed
and three drawers of my dresser.

Two weren't good enough for you. Oh, no.
Well, you listen to me.

I don't care if you're nine foot, six.

You're gonna sleep on that couch,
if you have to do it in sections!

-Chocolate malt, please.
-Chocolate malt with egg.

No, no egg. Just a plain chocolate malt.

Yeah, but there's no charge for the egg.
It's a special today.

No thanks, just plain.

Yeah, but it won't cost you anything.
Besides, it's good for you.

No egg!

-Tim! You get out of here.
-Marilyn...

You've got to make up your mind
to listen to me.

I'm not married, I never have been married.

-But the papers said that...
-I can explain the whole thing.

This is the way it started.

Skylar, seven, six, four, eight, two, three.

Skylar, seven, six, eight, four, three.

They made me a professor
because I was a married man.

But now that you are a professor,
you can deny it.

But how can I explain to the reporters
the fact that I passed out in her bed?

I mean, that sort of publicity,
and I'd be bounced from the university.

But when she goes to Reno,
you're going to get publicity.

But that isn't scandal.
Anybody has a right to a nice, quiet divorce.

Why, even the dean himself
has had three wives.

Let's get out of here.
We're getting a little conspicuous.

Yes.

Let's have a drink, Marilyn, dear.

Over there. Over there.

Marilyn, I promise you,

the minute she leaves for Reno,
we'll sneak off and get married.

Yes, but Cookie, this Cameron woman.
Are you and she living in the same...

But it isn't the same, dear.
I mean, we seldom see each other.

But you're not living with your father now.
Have you an apartment of your own?

An apartment.
Yes, yes, at the Standish Arms.

You know, on Gramercy Place.

-Fine, Cookie. I'll be over to dinner tonight.
-Hey, you put an egg in this.

You will? But the kitchen is awfully small.

It's big enough for cocktails.
I'll be there at 6:30.

You'll be there at 6:30.

-Well, I'll think of something.
-What?

-I mean something special.
-What do you mean?

I mean something to go with the cocktails.

You don't wanna come up there
and find just martinis.

Just martinis.

There are exactly seven million bars
in this town,

-and she has to have her cocktails up here.
-She's coming because she's suspicious.

And if you don't hurry,
and she finds you here, it'll be all up.

Just tell her I'm a woman of good taste,
and therefore I will have no designs on you.

-She happens to be the girl I love.
-Yes, you've told me that before.

Mustn't be any signs
of femininity around here.

Perhaps you'd better take the flowers
out of the curtains, then.

What's that?

That's Himmellweiser.
He's always in my bedroom.

Instead of a mattress?

Don't stand there!
She'll be here any minute.

Don't you yell at me, you microbe hunter.

It's bad enough being thrown out
of my own apartment.

I'll never get that book finished.

-lt'll only be for a couple of hours.
-Yeah.

Now lock the trunk
and put it in the closet, huh?

It's Marilyn. What am I gonna do?

Well, I'll get into bed,
and you can tell her that I'm a patient.

No, no! Don't do...

Listen, if that's your dream girl, she sounds
more to me like the village blacksmith.

-Hey, anybody home?
-It's Dad.

-Hello, son.
-Hello, Dad.

Well, it looks like a big night
for Professor Sterling.

-Yeah.
-They're not here yet.

Well, you see, Dad,
we were just going out, and...

-Who's not here yet?
-Burkhardt's in town.

Very enthusiastic over your migraine work.

-Burkhardt?
-Streeter's bringing him up.

They ought to be here any minute now.

That's wonderful, but, you see, tonight
we were planning on going down to...

Hello.

-Hello.
-Hello, Pop!

What's this?

Have you two had a quarrel?

Yes. Yes, he hit me.

-You didn't.
-Yes, he did.

-Well, I only pushed her.
-You only pushed her?

Tim, I shouldn't have to remind you
that this is not the Neolithic age.

Well, how would you like it if someone said

that your father
was a pompous, opinionated old windbag?

I didn't say that.

I would be honest enough to admit
that the person was absolutely right.

Pop, he's lying. I never said that.

I don't care who said it, my dear. It's true.

I talk too much.
Your mother always said that.

Here, here, here.
Come on, come on, come on.

We're going to patch this up.

Oh, no. No, Pop. I'm sorry.
I'm going home to Mother.

And you better hurry!

No, you're not.
You're going to stay right here.

No, I'm sorry. I can't, Pop. I've got to leave.

I won't have it, I tell you.
It's downright childish.

Breaking up a wonderful union,
quarreling over me.

I won't have it, I tell you.

Let me see your thumbs.

Your thumbs, Pops, let me see them.

I thought so.

No use in arguing with you.

Tim, I see a slight improvement.
She's your patient.

Yeah?

Go on, my boy. Go on.
What are you waiting for?

Rigor mortis set in?

Kiss her.

Go ahead.

-Burkhardt. I'll go.
-I'll go, Dad. No, don't you go.

No, no, no. Now, don't be nervous, son.

You know more about headaches
than any of these fellows.

Hello, sweetheart.

Johnny. This is Tim's father. This is Johnny.

How do you do?

Wedding anniversary. Married, you know.
Eight days today.

-We thought a little celebration...
-Johnny, how sweet. That's...

Dr. Burkhardt. Welcome, sir. Come in.
Come in.

-My daughter-in-law, Mrs. Sterling.
-How do you do?

Dr. Burkhardt. Mr...

-Pierce. Pierce.
-Mr. Pierce. Mr. Pierce.

You know Dr. Streeter.

Hello? Look, I want to talk to Mr. Johnson
next door in 14A. Yeah, right away.

What? They're not in? That's fine.
I mean, thanks very much.

Tim? Tim? Where's Tim?

-I'll get him. Will you excuse me, please?
-Thank you, dear. Thank you.

Hey! I don't want to seem
like a nagging wife,

but that's not the way to the living room,
you know.

I'm gonna sneak
through the apartment next door.

They're not at home,
and I can head Marilyn off at the elevator.

Tim. Tim.

Wait. You'd better go in there and see them
for a minute first. Come on.

All right.

Here he is.

Dr. Burkhardt, my son.

-Dr. Sterling.
-How do you do, Doctor?

I've been looking forward very much
to meeting you.

I've been looking forward to meeting you

ever since Streeter sent me your paper
on migraines.

Thank you very much.

Now, you two had better sit down here.
I know you have a lot to talk about.

No, no. No, not just yet, please.
Let me fix you a cocktail first.

And, Tim, you go into the kitchen

and fix some of those wonderful
cheese things that you do so well.

-Yes, those things.
-Yes.

No, don't bother, old man.
You have your talk. I'll fix it.

You certainly will. You see, I'm sorry,

but this is one of those things Tim has
to do all by himself. Hurry, darling.

Marilyn!

-Darling, you got the wrong apartment.
-But you said 14B.

Did l? Whatever made me say that?

-Lucky I caught you, isn't it?
-Yes.

Well, how do you like it?

This isn't your apartment.

This is your mansion.

Tim, it's exquisite!

It's nice for the time being.

-I never thought you'd have a place like this.
-Neither did l.

I'm sorry if it seems such a shock.

After all, in your last place,
you only had one chair.

Yes, I did. Didn't l?

-How can you afford...
-Well, you see, I'm a professor now,

and it practically makes me
the head of a department.

Yes, but even so...

And, of course, I've been doing
quite a bit of consultation work, too.

Well, I need a drink now.

Yes, the martinis.

I haven't had much time to make them yet,
but I'll soon fix that.

Don't you worry. I...

Don't you know where you keep your liquor?

Well, as a matter of fact, I never know
where that butler's going to put a thing.

-Butler?
-Yes.

Wouldn't surprise me a bit
if he had them out in the kitchen right now.

Now, you just make yourself at home
and have a cigarette,

and I'll tend to the drink situation.

So this is the nation's
number-one career woman.

Was.

-Thank you.
-Thank you, my dear.

Perhaps, but personally, Mrs. Sterling,
you look to me...

Well, won't be long.

You're very quiet for an amateur chef.
We hardly heard you in the kitchen at all.

-Everything under control, dear?
-Well, so far. All on the fire,

-but it just needs watching.
-Yes.

-Tim, come back here.
-Yes, Dad.

What's the reason
for this sudden affinity for the stove?

You never knew your way
around a kitchen before.

Marriage. Marriage has changed all that.
Hasn't it, darling?

Dr. Sterling, is this the anatomical head
your father was speaking about?

Yes.

I understand it's a replica
of a glandular case you had at the clinic.

Yes, we copied it
from caliber measurements. It's...

Something's burning!

Johnny, would you bring me a drink?
Or better still, bring the shaker.

Right.

-Hey, take it easy, old man.
-I've got Marilyn next door.

Well, that's not... Marilyn!
Well, you can't bring her in here.

-I'm not going to.
-But you've got to get rid of her.

I'm trying to get rid of her.

Now, if they get suspicious,
knock on the wall, will you?

Okay.

-Cookie.
-Yes, dear.

Well, let's try this on our nerve centers.

-And will my Cookie forgive me?
-But what's there to forgive, darling?

I never thought I'd be a suspicious woman,
but for a teeny moment, I really was.

But you had every right to be, darling,
every right in the world.

I see now.
You had to go through with the marriage.

Why, yes, to get the professorship,

and in order to make enough money
to take care of a professor's wife.

But the minute she goes to Reno,
we go to Greenwich.

To Reno.

What were his findings
on hyperesthesia of the scalp?

Well, I'm not quite sure.

Ask Tim to come here a moment,
would you, please?

-Surely.
-Thank you.

My hand, it went to sleep.

-What's that?
-Just mice.

-Where are you going, Cookie?
-I got a little surprise for you in the kitchen.

You're sweet.

Stay here for just one little minute
and don't peek,

'cause if you do, I'll never forgive you.

Now, Professor, you don't want
to spoil everything, do you?

That's a surprise recipe.

Take a good look.
These are your cheese surprises.

Hurry up.

Tim, what were your findings
on the oxygen treatment

in regard to hyperesthesia of the scalp?

Well, I can't say that I came
to any definite conclusion,

but I'll say this, that during July at the clinic,

out of 15 cases
to which we administered oxygen,

we found
that 13 of the patients had developed...

Sweetheart.

Pardon me, gentlemen. The little woman.

Here are your cheese surprises,
but don't offer me any.

Here.

Tim, wait a minute. Where are you going?

-Call me on the telephone in 10 seconds.
-But what about the...

Hello. Yes. Yes, this is Dr. Sterling.

A what? A severed pneumogastric!
Well, I'll be right over.

-Cookie, must you?
-Yes, darling, I'm afraid I must.

But I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll put you in a cab,
and then I'll pick you up later.

-All right.
-That's right.

-But your hat.
-My what?

-My hat. My hat.
-Yes.

-Hello, Doctor.
-Hello.

-Been keeping you busy?
-They certainly have.

That's our new neighbor.
They want us to play bridge sometime.

That's nice.

That train. It's so good to be back again.

It's good to have you back, Lydia.
I missed you something awful this time.

I didn't go anyplace. I didn't do anything.
I just couldn't sleep...

Now, with this thought in mind,

Iet us return to our microscopes
and examine the specimen again.

Doc, there's something on our minds.

You amaze me, Mr. Slapcovitch. What is it?

Well, the coach was just wondering

if we're gonna be eligible
to play against Fordham on Saturday.

Well, gentlemen, as you well know,
75 is the passing grade,

and so far you've confined all your passing
to the football field.

Well, couldn't you give us
some kind of an examination right now?

And if we pass,
we'd be eligible to play on Saturday.

Well, all right. Here's your examination.
Question number one.

How many bones are there
in the human body, Mr. O'Brien?

Well, couldn't we kind of
think this thing over and phone you?

Come, come, Mr. O'Brien.
How many bones in the human body?

Well, there must be dozens.

Well, I can't exactly call that wrong.
Good luck on Saturday!

Gee, Doc, you're a regular.
We'd cut off a right arm for you.

All right.

Doc, we'll murder them
with that old XYZ play.

Yes, sir.

Dr. Sterling, there's a Miss Thomas
wants to see you in your office.

Thank you very much.

Hot milk and honey.
So it's only a business arrangement?

Tim, how can you do this to me?

But I didn't pose for this thing.
It's trick photography.

I'm the laughing stock of all my friends.
I can't put up with it any longer.

Don't worry, darling, you won't have to.

This time you've gone too far.

Johnny, you promised me...

Don't blame me. Charlie must have done it.

I'll give you exactly three weeks to finish
your little masterpiece and get to Reno.

She can finish the book in a few days,
but she can't go to Reno for a month.

-An immediate divorce would kill the sales.
-I give her three weeks.

That's strange.
That sounded to me like an order.

That's just the way I meant it to sound.

-ls that so?
-Yes.

Well if that's the way you feel about it,
my pathological playmate,

we can put an end
to this thing much sooner.

I think I can arrange to have you
in Marilyn's arms by suppertime.

-How?
-Perfectly simple.

I'll just call up the gentlemen of the press
and tell them we were never married.

No, no, no, you can't do that. The university.

A great kidder.

You don't think she'd do a thing like that
and ruin her own book, do you?

I might if I got mad enough,
and I think I'm mad enough.

Now, you listen to me,
my microscopic friend,

you might be able to give orders
to that barnacle you're engaged to,

but the last time a man tried it on me,
I was six and he was seven,

and for one solid hour I beat him
over the head with my all-day sucker.

You're so brittle that one of these cold days,
you're gonna break up into a million pieces.

And when that happens,
I want a seat right in the grandstand.

That's very funny. Very funny.

You're like all the rest
of these career women,

just an inferiority complex
turned inside out.

Don't bother. I'll go.

Pop, what a pleasant surprise.
And, Dr. Streeter, come in.

-Thank you.
-Doctor, would you mind?

-Well, son.
-Dad.

You both look very happy, the three of you.

-May I have your hats?
-No, no, no, we only dropped in for a little.

Just to give Tim a little advice.

Tim, Streeter feels that
when you talk to Burkhardt,

you ought to make it quite clear

that you don't want him
to use any of your research in his new book.

June, dear, you'll be along.
See that he doesn't get too generous.

-I will? I don't think that l...
-June, dear, I forgot to tell you,

but the Burkhardts invited us up
for the weekend.

So I think you'd better start packing,
because we'll be leaving in a few minutes.

Will we?

Well, we won't hold you up.
It's a good seven-hour drive.

-My best to Burkhardt.
-Yes.

You're going to have
a very interesting weekend.

They've got a 15-year-old daughter.

She's just written a novel,
and she's dying to read it to you.

I'm dying, too.

Good bye.
It was very sweet of you to come by.

-Good bye, Mrs. Sterling.
-Good bye, now.

-Good bye.
-Happy weekend.

Thank you.

Now, what is this all about?

Well, I'm sorry, but I forgot to mention it.

I see.

Well, it really doesn't make any difference
'cause I'm not going anyway.

But, darling, you must. If you don't go,

then his father will think
you're staying behind on my account.

Johnny, I'm going to finish the book
over the weekend.

But you can work up there.

-No.
-Of course you can. It might...

Yes, but just to keep the records straight,

remember I'm doing this for him
and not for you.

-All right. Will you please hurry up?
-I certainly will.

Good bye, Johnny.

And if the last chapter's
as good as the other six,

then my wife will be as rich as she is lovely.

Come on, will you? We'll never make it.

Will you please relax, my meddling medico?

This happens to be one of those tender
moments that you wouldn't understand.

-Good bye, darling.
-Au revoir, my sweet.

Second cousins.

Thank you.

I see Chester has come between us again.

Yes, and don't call him Chester.

I beg your pardon.

-There's Marilyn.
-Where?

Right there. Get down, will you, please?

-Tim.
-Why, hello, Marilyn. How are you?

-Where are you going?
-We're...

I'm going up to Burkhardt's
to do a little work.

Burkhardt.
Remember I told you all about Burkhardt?

-Did you tell her yet?
-Sure, sure, I told her,

and she's leaving for Reno
as soon as she possibly can.

Well, she'd better. Of all the disappointed
old maids, she takes the cake.

Always look exciting.

You know what I saw in the paper?
It was the funniest thing.

It said she was 25 years old.
She's 40 if she's a day.

Tim, right while I'm talking.

-I didn't mean it, angel.
-Well, all right.

Cookie, you know
what I've been thinking about?

You know where we could go
on our honeymoon?

Where?

Tim, that's very rude.

-Well, it slipped, dear. It did.
-Well, it's not at all nice.

I should think, after knowing her, you'd
appreciate your baby a teeny bit more.

I do. I do, angel. I...

I do, angel. Honest, I do.

-Am I forgiven?
-Forgiven.

-Honest?
-Truly.

Well, I've got to be going.

Well, well, I've got to be going.

-Good bye, Cookie.
-Good bye, angel.

You call me the first teeny-weeny moment
you get back.

-I will.
-I'll miss you.

I'll miss you, too.

-Cookie.
-Yes?

-Bye-bye.
-Bye.

-Dr. Sterling, I presume.
-You nearly ruined everything.

Well, in case you don't know it,

the bottom of your car is not the ideal place
to spend a weekend.

Well, I'm sorry, but I had to talk to her.

Careful, Cookie.

Why, you just missed getting us killed
by a teeny-weeny little bit.

You are about the most obnoxious female
I think I've ever met.

-I'm sorry. Forgiven?
-Forgiven.

Honest and truly?

Now, just from one Cookie to another,

you must admit that's pretty stale talk,
that Cookie business.

You know, it strikes me
you're laboring under the impression

that you're superior to Marilyn.

Well, maybe in sarcasm, yes.
But when it comes to...

Why, you couldn't lure me
out of a burning building.

You know, Johnny and I were discussing
only yesterday

how quietly repulsive you are.

Johnny.

-His devotion to you is really touching.
-Yes, I think so.

He loves everything about you.

Your books, your profits, your apartment,
your liquor, your cigarettes...

You know, you
and that little bundle of boredom

are going to make a charming couple.

And when people don't ask you out,
don't blame it all on her.

-Really, officer, I was just doing a bare...
-I spotted the MD license on the car.

-Are you a doctor?
-Yeah.

Well, come on. There's an emergency case.
Follow me.

Well, Joe, your luck's finally changed.

This is Dr. Sterling.
I nabbed him up on the pike.

Mighty kind of you, Doc, to put yourself out.

She's upstairs. She seems to be having
a lot more trouble than usual.

Well, most of the time
it just seems that way.

I've gotta get back on the beat, Joe.
Hope it's a boy.

Just so it ain't quintuplets.

-Shoot your gun.
-Next time, son.

-Give me a ride on the handlebars.
-Some other time.

Officer, what's the matter inside?
Is it anything serious?

Well, the baby seems
like it just don't want to be born.

Baby? Well, isn't there a doctor
in the community?

Yes, there is, but I couldn't find him.
Out on another case, I guess.

I gotta get back on the beat. A lot
of speeders going to the football game.

-Yeah.
-Wish I was one of them.

I'll bet.

-How soon?
-Not for a little while yet.

Got any hot water?

-What's the matter with your foot?
-Sort of twisted it.

Sit down. Let's take a look at it.

I think you sort of broke it.

It's them blamed chuckholes.
I stepped in one while I was plowing.

Well, you'd better keep off it.

-Where's your nearest neighbor?
-Mrs. Sawyer, about a mile down the road.

-Yeah.
-I'm...

There's a Mrs. Sawyer down at the next farm.

Would you mind driving down to get her?
I need some help.

No, not at all.

All right, honey. Hop off the car.

Mrs. Sawyer? What's the matter with me?

-How is she?
-There ain't much I can do for a while.

Where's Mrs. Sawyer?

She couldn't come. She scalded her hand
with some boiling water.

Not bad.

Say, that's your new dress.

Yes, it is.
I was afraid it had too much allure for me.

-There you are.
-Thank you.

All right.

-Well, kids, how is it?
-It's okay.

Coming from you, that's pretty good.

-Hey, I'll catch cold.
-Billy.

-Another president?
-No, I'm afraid it's another career woman.

I never saw so much kicking and screaming
in my life.

She'll get over it.

Hey, Doc, it's an lndian. It's all red.

Sorry.

-Where are we?
-On the way home.

It's too late to go to Burkhardt's now.

That's too bad.

You're gonna miss your talk with him,
aren't you?

It was worth missing.

I mean, after all,
an lndian isn't born every minute.

No, and besides,
there'll be other weekends, won't there?

You know, a discussion

on the myelin sheath of the cerebrospinal
nerve fiber is good any time.

Where did you pick that up?

I've been looking
through some of our wedding presents.

Would you like me to drive for a while?
That must have been pretty exhausting.

No, no, it's all right.

I was a little scared. That's the first baby
I've delivered since I was an intern.

Really?

Well, you looked awfully good
from where I sat.

I never could have done it
without the help of Mrs. Sawyer.

Come in.

I'm sorry, Tim.
I just wanted to get a glass of milk.

That's perfectly all right, June.

Hey, why didn't you ask me?
I'd have done that for you. There.

Thanks, I'll get your milk.

Never mind, I'll get it.

-Would you like some?
-Why, yes. Thanks.

-I wonder who that could be.
-Don't bother. I'll go.

Well, Mr. O'Brien and Mr. Slapcovitch.
How nice. Come in.

-What happened to your head?
-Nothing, just a slight concussion.

-Hey, Doc, we won the game.
-Yeah, we scored all the points between us.

Would you two like to celebrate
with a glass of milk?

No, thanks.

Hey, Doc, if it wasn't for you,
we wouldn't have been able to play.

Well, your victory makes me very happy.

You know how we piled up
those points, Doc?

-No.
-The old XYZ play.

That's the one where I take out
the two guards in the tackle.

Pardon me, Doc.
Then Louie starts around the end,

cuts right through center.

I wish you could've seen it.
It worked like nobody's business.

I'm sure it did.
Well, thanks for telling me about it.

Tell you about it?
Why, Doc, we'd cut off our right arm for you,

wouldn't we, Slap?

-Oh, yeah, yeah.
-Well, some other time, boys. Good night.

Awfully nice of you to come in
and tell me about your great victory.

-So long, Doc.
-Sorry to bust in on you like this.

Good night.

Hey, what's the matter?
Something eating you?

-Did you see those flowers?
-Yeah, pretty, weren't they?

But you didn't see the note
that came with it.

It said something about love,
and was signed "John."

The doc's name ain't John.

You mean some guy's trying
to get away with the doc's little woman?

And he's doing it, too.

Else, why would the doc be sleeping
on the couch?

And the doc's such a swell guy.

And they were so happy together.

Hey, who is this skunk
with the love and the flowers?

I don't know,
but the name on the card was John.

And if I ever catch him,
I'll tear him to small pieces.

You mean we'll tear him to small pieces.

You know, I think those two
have a school-boy crush on you.

Yes, and I'm afraid their devotion
will end with the football season.

-Cookie?
-What?

No, no, I meant this kind.

-I'm sorry.
-It's all right.

-Well, l...
-Yes?

I think you must be pretty tired,
so I'll call it a...

Oh, no. Don't go to bed, please.
I'm not a bit tired.

Why, I once sat up 72 hours
in a straight-jacket case.

-You did?
-Yeah.

I'm afraid I'd be pretty tame after that.

Besides, my schedule calls for work tonight.

But you can do it tomorrow.

No. Sorry, I don't think I can.

You see, I promised Johnny I'd have
the whole book for him in the morning.

Are you finished?

All but four pages.

I... I'd better run along and grind those out.

But you shouldn't work tonight.
Really, you must be tired.

Yes, I am pretty tired,
however, the book's still got to be finished.

Then I can go to Reno tomorrow night.

I don't want you to feel you have to rush

-on my account.
-Oh, no.

-After all, I can always...
-No, I know.

But I'd like to get this thing over with
as quickly as possible.

But a couple of days one way or the other

-wouldn't make much difference.
-No, of course it wouldn't, but...

You promised Marilyn, you remember?

Yes, yes, it seems we both made
a lot of promises.

Yes. Well...

-Good night, Tim.
-Good night.

Good night, Chester.

Good night, Chester.

Tim, did your shirts come back
from the laundry?

Yes, June.

Well, I guess that's everything.

Wait a minute. You're forgetting your friend.

Yes, Himmellweiser.

I hate to see him go.
I'm gonna miss that radiant smile.

I'll send somebody around
to pick these things up.

I'd take them myself, but I'm driving
up to Marilyn's place in New London.

She's giving some sort of party tonight.

Well, that's all right. You can have them
picked up anytime. It doesn't matter.

I wish you didn't feel
you had to rush off to Reno like this.

She wants it this way.

Yeah, sorry.

-Sometimes Marilyn's a little...
-Well, I don't blame her.

I'd have done the same thing.

You know,
in spite of the Cameron wisecracks,

I do think she's been
pretty decent about this.

That goes for you, too, Tim.

You know, without a husband,
this book never would have been written.

Yes, without a wife,
I never would have been a professor.

We've made our little speeches,
haven't we?

Bye, Tim.
Take good care of Chester, won't you.

Yep.

Bye, I hope you and John will be very happy.

Thank you,
and I know you and Marilyn will be.

I forgot.

You know, when we first got married,

I asked you to take all the blame
for the divorce.

-Yes.
-Well, I'd rather you blame it on me.

Tim, I'm sorry, a bargain's a bargain.

But it wouldn't look good for you,
and besides the other way's much simpler.

Look, I'm not going to do it, because...

-You are going to do it!
-I'm not going to do it!

That's all there is to...

You win.

Just tell them it was cruelty or something.
Say I corrected papers in bed.

Hello there, old man.

-Microscopes all packed?
-Yes.

Well, our little marriage conspiracy
worked out very well, didn't it?

With nobody the wiser.

You know, Pierce, you're a pretty lucky guy.

I know. The book will be selling
like the proverbial hotcake.

I wasn't talking about the book.

Oh, June. Sure, she's a great girl.

And you've been pretty swell, yourself,
through all this. Thanks a lot.

-Good bye, old man.
-Good bye.

And by the way,
you don't know what a comfort it was

to know that she was perfectly safe
with you.

Well, good bye, once again, Professor.

Frieda Schultz live here?

Johnny, you and your gags.

Well, I thought
we'd better use another name.

After all, you've got to be in Reno six weeks,
you know.

Do I look like Frieda Schultz to you?

But, darling, if they discover that
June Cameron's in Reno, it'll kill the book.

-I suppose.
-This way we can go on selling copies

right up to the very day
you announce the divorce.

You know, darling, I'm a pretty happy man.

Charlie and I figured the whole thing out.

In six weeks, we can sell 80,000 copies.

That's wonderful, Johnny.

-What's the matter?
-Nothing.

Well, there is something.

I said nothing's the matter.

I'm from The Morning Express.
I'd like to see Miss Cameron.

No, no, old man. No interviews today.

-Now, if you'll phone...
-I think she'll see me.

-Yes?
-Miss Cameron.

Were you married at Greenwich?

Why, yes. Yes I was.

Strange. I've just been talking to the license
bureau up there, and there's no record of it.

There isn't?

Well, as a matter of fact,
it wasn't actually in Greenwich, proper.

You see, it was outside.

Yes, it was that little place
by the fork in the road.

-That's it.
-Look, let's stop kidding around.

I happen to know you were never married.

-How dare you say such a thing?
-lf I'm wrong, show me the certificate.

-Well, you see...
-I left it in my safe-deposit box.

So you did.

Look, I don't blame you
for faking your marriage.

You needed that kind of publicity
for your book.

And I hate to be the guy
that kills the golden goose,

but my job is to get news.

And this is a swell story.

Wait a minute, you mustn't print that story.
You really mustn't.

All right, I'll give you a break.

We go to press at 12:00, midnight.

If you can show me before then
that you're married,

I'll kill the story.

But he can't print that.
Think of what it'll do to the book.

Think what it'll do to Tim.
They'll throw him out.

-Well, who cares?
-I care.

Why, if this thing came out, he wouldn't
be able to get a job as a horse doctor.

Well, I don't think that's important.

You don't think that's important?

After he's been so decent with us, you...

-Of all the selfish individuals...
-My dear June, I didn't mean it like that.

Just what did you mean, then?

-Yes?
-We was just wondering

if we couldn't see the doc
for about a minute.

He's not here!

-Well, darling, all I meant was...
-Hey, Slap.

What a prize package you turned out to be.

Did you hear that? He called her "darling."

And she called him John.

He must be the guy that sent
the doc's wife them flowers.

Let's give him the XYZ.

Certainly, that's it.
Profits are important, not people.

Why, Johnny,
you've got a cash register instead of a heart.

Here's the future of a really great man
at stake,

and you're worrying about the carnations
in your buttonhole.

You're in love with this bumpkin.

Yes. Yes, I am in love with him.

Now, what do you think of that?

Well, I might have known it,
living in the same apartment.

Why, you...

Hello, operator.

Will you get a hold
of Miss Marilyn Thomas for me

in New London, Connecticut?

Yeah, that's right.
And hurry it up, will you, please?

-Hello.
-Hello, this is Miss Cameron speaking.

As soon as Tim, I mean, Dr. Sterling arrives,

will you have him call me right away?
It's awfully important.

No, I'd rather discuss it with the doctor,
if you don't mind, and...

But it's very important to his career...

I am equally important to his career.

No! I won't have him call you.

I'm announcing our engagement tonight.

Engagement?

But you promised you'd wait.

Why, if you announce it now,
it'll spoil everything. Don't you...

I feel we've done more than enough
for you.

Engagement.

Of all the double-crossing females
I've ever heard of in my...

How do you like that, Chester?

Look, you wouldn't want her
for your mother, would you?

No, certainly not.
No one in his right mind would.

Men certainly are blind
is all I have to say about the...

Chester, if the telephone rings,
you'll answer it, won't you?

And don't you worry. We'll be right back.

Everybody, gather around.

Gather right around here.
You sit right down there.

Hurry up! Hurry up, everybody! Come on.

Are you ready, Cookie?

Quiet, everybody, quiet.

-Now...
-Marilyn, my sweet.

Forgive me for being so late.

I hurried just as quickly as I could.

I'm not dressed, but then you don't mind.
You're so understanding.

-Hello, darling.
-I don't know what you're up to,

but I'm going through with this,

and I warn you
it's going to be terribly embarrassing.

Why, Marilyn, how sweet you look tonight.

Goodness, I hope I'm not interrupting
anything. I certainly...

Darling, I want you to meet
some of the folks.

Tim, don't bother now.
I'll get to know them all later.

Marilyn, you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to go sit in that corner,
in that chair.

And I'm going to be just as quiet
as a teeny weenie little mouse.

And you go right ahead
with what you were doing, won't you?

-Good evening.
-Good evening.

Good evening.

Quiet, everybody! Quiet!

-I have an announcement to make.
-Please, Marilyn, not now.

-All I want to say is...
-Mrs. Sterling, is that for you?

Isn't it lovely?

Excuse me.

Tim and I are...

Congratulations, Tim.
Why did you keep it a secret?

You can't get away with this.
I know you're not married.

-You mean that...
-Well, you know, one thing leads to another.

Tim, is this true?

Oh, dear.

And then the reporter said
that he was going to print the whole thing.

Can't you just see those headlines?

"Doctor promises to marry society girl,

"deserts wife he was never even married to."
Why, it's awful.

Yeah, and becomes father
of a child he never even heard about.

-Kind of a mess, isn't it?
-That's putting it mildly.

Well, I give up. Only one thing left to do.

-Yes, what is it?
-Well, I've got to marry you.

You've got to marry me?

Well, sure. Then when you go to Reno,
you can get a real divorce.

You can drop me at the nearest hotel.

-What's the matter?
-Never mind, never mind,

just pull in right over there.

Nice night. Fill her up. Regular or Ethyl?

No, nothing. Where's the nearest hotel?

Well, you're looking right at it.

Nice clean bungalow. Soft beds.
A dollar fifty up.

All right, I'll take one.

No!

Say, would you like
to play Chinese checkers with me?

No, no. Not right now, please.

Hello.

Yes. Yes.

You haven't got a license yet.

Yes, yes. I can fix that, too.

Yes, yes. I'll be right over.

-Henry, has anything happened?
-Not yet.

-Who is it?
-Pasteur, open the door.

-Go away, I don't want to see you.
-June, I want to talk to you.

No. I don't want to see you. Go away.

June, please,
will you open the door and let me in?

Please, Tim, go away.
I don't want to see you.

June.

June, I promised we'd play bridge
next Thursday with Johnson and his wife.

Do you think you could make it?

Yes, Tim, I think I can make it.