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1
00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:04,801
Now, kids, the spring of 2008 was a
complicated time in your old man's life.
2
00:00:05,301 --> 00:00:08,001
The last time I had seen Barney
was shortly after I found out
3
00:00:08,101 --> 00:00:10,102
he had spent
the night with Robin.
4
00:00:10,502 --> 00:00:12,702
Are you saying you don't want
to be bros anymore?
5
00:00:13,202 --> 00:00:15,302
I'm saying I don't want
to be friends anymore.
6
00:00:17,303 --> 00:00:18,303
It's Barney.
7
00:00:20,003 --> 00:00:22,504
Dude, seriously,
you need to stop calling me.
8
00:00:22,704 --> 00:00:24,904
Ted, I'm sorry
I haven't returned your calls.
9
00:00:25,404 --> 00:00:26,604
Yeah, I never called you.
10
00:00:26,704 --> 00:00:29,005
You called me 15 times
and my parents twice.
11
00:00:29,905 --> 00:00:30,905
I'm sorry.
12
00:00:31,105 --> 00:00:32,205
I gotta let you go.
13
00:00:32,605 --> 00:00:34,705
There's just too many
good wingmen out there.
14
00:00:36,706 --> 00:00:38,206
Ted, are you crying?
15
00:00:38,406 --> 00:00:39,906
No, I'm not.
16
00:00:40,706 --> 00:00:42,107
Let it out. Let it out.
17
00:00:42,907 --> 00:00:44,307
Good-bye, Barney.
18
00:00:44,507 --> 00:00:46,307
So, are you two
back together?
19
00:00:48,508 --> 00:00:49,608
I miss Barney.
20
00:00:50,108 --> 00:00:52,608
I haven't high-fived anyone
in like a week.
21
00:00:52,708 --> 00:00:55,109
I think I might be starting to lose
my fist bump callus.
22
00:00:56,109 --> 00:00:57,609
Let me ask you something, Ted.
23
00:00:57,709 --> 00:00:59,809
Why are you so much madder
at Barney than me?
24
00:00:59,909 --> 00:01:03,810
Yeah, she had just as much sex
with Barney as Barney had with her.
25
00:01:04,110 --> 00:01:06,511
You know what?
I'm not sure that's true.
26
00:01:07,911 --> 00:01:11,611
And I think I'd actually prefer it if
you were mad at me; this is too weird.
27
00:01:11,711 --> 00:01:13,312
I'm not mad at anybody.
28
00:01:13,412 --> 00:01:17,012
I've forgiven you, and I've outgrown
Barney as a friend. It's that simple.
29
00:01:17,312 --> 00:01:19,113
I'll tell you why he's not mad.
30
00:01:19,213 --> 00:01:21,013
It's 'cause he's so happy
with Stella.
31
00:01:21,213 --> 00:01:22,013
She was right.
32
00:01:22,813 --> 00:01:25,013
Stella and I had been dating
for two months,
33
00:01:25,213 --> 00:01:27,214
and things were
going really well.
34
00:01:27,314 --> 00:01:30,214
She had met my friends
and passed with flying colors.
35
00:01:30,314 --> 00:01:31,715
There was just
one little problem.
36
00:01:32,315 --> 00:01:34,015
You guys haven't had sex yet?!
37
00:01:34,915 --> 00:01:38,616
When Marshall and I were
two months in, we were doing it 24/7.
38
00:01:38,716 --> 00:01:40,816
I know, I was in the top bunk.
39
00:01:41,316 --> 00:01:43,016
I also sat next to you guys
at football games.
40
00:01:43,716 --> 00:01:45,517
So what are you guys waiting for?
41
00:01:45,817 --> 00:01:47,717
I think she wants to make sure
we're serious first.
42
00:01:47,817 --> 00:01:50,017
That's why she hasn't introduced me
to her daughter, either.
43
00:01:50,117 --> 00:01:51,218
She wants to take things slow.
44
00:01:51,518 --> 00:01:54,318
Wait...
so you haven't had sex
45
00:01:54,418 --> 00:01:55,918
since, like... Thanksgiving.
46
00:01:57,019 --> 00:02:00,619
Do you know how many big federal
holidays have come and gone since then?
47
00:02:01,019 --> 00:02:04,020
Ooh, baby, do you remember
Martin Luther King Day?
48
00:02:04,620 --> 00:02:05,320
Yeah, I do.
49
00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:08,320
We honored that dude big time.
50
00:02:09,020 --> 00:02:11,721
Look, I'm crazy about this girl,
and if waiting is what it takes,
51
00:02:11,821 --> 00:02:12,921
then I am fine with that.
52
00:02:14,021 --> 00:02:16,022
On a totally unrelated note,
does anybody have any gum
53
00:02:16,122 --> 00:02:19,022
or ice or a piece of bark
they're not chewing?
54
00:02:25,123 --> 00:02:27,323
Hey, Barney,
new SkyMall came in.
55
00:02:28,324 --> 00:02:29,024
So, uh...
56
00:02:29,824 --> 00:02:33,224
Word around the blogosphere is
that you're looking for a new wingman.
57
00:02:33,324 --> 00:02:35,225
I want to let you know
I am available.
58
00:02:36,025 --> 00:02:37,925
Just say the word,
or don't even say the word.
59
00:02:38,025 --> 00:02:40,125
Just do something
with your eyebrow.
60
00:02:43,926 --> 00:02:44,726
Was that it?
61
00:02:46,226 --> 00:02:49,827
No offense, Randy, but there's
a long list of candidates for this slot.
62
00:02:50,327 --> 00:02:52,927
This slot is
Vice President of Awesome,
63
00:02:53,127 --> 00:02:54,428
and you're, like,
64
00:02:54,528 --> 00:02:57,128
Assistant Undersecretary
of Only Okay.
65
00:02:58,428 --> 00:03:01,229
"Assistant Undersecretary
of Only Okay."
66
00:03:01,829 --> 00:03:03,229
Thank you.
I won't let you down.
67
00:03:04,229 --> 00:03:06,830
So Uncle Barney began the search
for a new wingman.
68
00:03:07,030 --> 00:03:08,630
Pete! Barney Stinson.
69
00:03:08,730 --> 00:03:11,130
Hey, I've been meaning to call you.
It's been a while.
70
00:03:11,330 --> 00:03:14,331
Yeah, yeah, so listen. You should
meet me at MacLaren's tonight.
71
00:03:14,831 --> 00:03:16,931
You're never gonna believe this:
I'm at the hospital.
72
00:03:17,231 --> 00:03:19,232
Just had a baby daughter.
73
00:03:20,532 --> 00:03:22,032
So what do you think,
9:30, 10:00?
74
00:03:24,633 --> 00:03:27,233
Stapleton!
Barney Stinson.
75
00:03:27,333 --> 00:03:28,333
What up, chief?
76
00:03:28,433 --> 00:03:30,133
Need a new bro.
What do you say?
77
00:03:30,633 --> 00:03:33,534
Dude, I'd love to, but right now
I'm bros with Doug Stein.
78
00:03:35,234 --> 00:03:37,735
Oh, I understand.
79
00:03:38,335 --> 00:03:39,635
Doug Stein's a good bro.
80
00:03:40,935 --> 00:03:42,435
I'm happy for you.
Best of luck.
81
00:03:44,336 --> 00:03:47,536
Crazy Willie!
Barney Stinson.
82
00:03:47,636 --> 00:03:51,737
What up, B-Dog? Long time, no bro.
So we gonna tear it up tonight or what?
83
00:03:51,837 --> 00:03:53,837
Yes, finally!
84
00:03:54,037 --> 00:03:55,537
Here's what's on
the rock-it docket.
85
00:03:55,637 --> 00:03:57,438
My wife and I put
the cheese out at 7:00,
86
00:03:57,538 --> 00:04:00,638
Cranium at 8:00,
9:00 p.m. we watch 27 Dresses.
87
00:04:00,738 --> 00:04:03,439
Everybody's home by 11:00.
Boo-yah!
88
00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:09,540
Hello?
89
00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:12,040
Hanging up on you
once wasn't enough.
90
00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:15,241
So I lanced this thing
on this guy's back,
91
00:04:15,341 --> 00:04:17,241
and I'll be honest with you,
I didn't even know what it was,
92
00:04:17,341 --> 00:04:19,741
and then it exploded
like a volcano.
93
00:04:19,841 --> 00:04:21,041
Pus everywhere.
94
00:04:21,242 --> 00:04:24,342
Let's have sex.
Right now. I'll lock the door.
95
00:04:24,842 --> 00:04:26,342
Oh, there's no lock on that door.
96
00:04:26,442 --> 00:04:28,543
We can do it against the door.
It'll be hot!
97
00:04:28,643 --> 00:04:31,043
It'll be like a three-way:
you, me, and the door.
98
00:04:31,443 --> 00:04:34,444
Yeah, but then it's just gonna be weird
between me and the door tomorrow.
99
00:04:36,344 --> 00:04:37,744
I'm sorry.
100
00:04:37,844 --> 00:04:39,644
We're waiting.
It's cool.
101
00:04:40,445 --> 00:04:43,245
You've been so patient, Ted.
102
00:04:43,645 --> 00:04:44,845
The truth is...
103
00:04:45,045 --> 00:04:47,846
I'm kind of nervous.
I have a confession to make.
104
00:04:47,946 --> 00:04:49,846
I was afraid of this.
You're 14.
105
00:04:52,446 --> 00:04:53,847
No, um...
106
00:04:54,847 --> 00:04:57,247
It's kind of embarrassing,
but it's
107
00:04:57,347 --> 00:04:59,548
a while since
I was intimate with anyone.
108
00:05:00,448 --> 00:05:02,648
Wow, it's funny that you say that.
109
00:05:02,848 --> 00:05:04,248
- Me, too.
- Really?
110
00:05:05,148 --> 00:05:06,349
How long's it been for you?
111
00:05:08,149 --> 00:05:09,249
It's been a while.
112
00:05:09,749 --> 00:05:10,549
Tell me.
113
00:05:13,950 --> 00:05:14,950
Me, too!
114
00:05:15,550 --> 00:05:17,250
It's been five months for you, too?
115
00:05:18,251 --> 00:05:20,251
Five years?!
116
00:05:21,951 --> 00:05:26,652
How I Met Your Mother 3x18
- Rebound Bro -
117
00:05:36,053 --> 00:05:39,354
Wow. Stella hasn't
had sex since 2003.
118
00:05:39,454 --> 00:05:40,954
Let's put this in context.
119
00:05:41,054 --> 00:05:42,955
The last time Stella had sex,
120
00:05:43,055 --> 00:05:46,255
the movie, Seabiscuit,
had just galloped into theaters...
121
00:05:46,355 --> 00:05:47,455
and our hearts.
122
00:05:48,855 --> 00:05:50,356
Five years?
123
00:05:50,656 --> 00:05:52,456
God, if I even went one year,
124
00:05:52,556 --> 00:05:55,056
I would be out on the street
selling it for a nickel.
125
00:05:55,857 --> 00:05:57,957
The last time Stella had sex,
126
00:05:58,057 --> 00:06:00,357
the world was just
learning about SARS.
127
00:06:00,957 --> 00:06:04,258
Well, Ted, what else did she say? Did
she give you any kind of explanation?
128
00:06:04,958 --> 00:06:07,358
Look, after Lucy was born,
I dated a little,
129
00:06:07,458 --> 00:06:09,359
but it was hard to find a guy
I could trust enough.
130
00:06:09,959 --> 00:06:12,659
Sooner or later, every one of them
gave me a reason not to.
131
00:06:13,559 --> 00:06:16,060
But nobody in five years?
132
00:06:16,860 --> 00:06:19,960
Look, Ted, guys regret
the girls they didn't sleep with.
133
00:06:20,060 --> 00:06:21,761
Girls regret the guys
they do sleep with.
134
00:06:21,961 --> 00:06:25,361
And for the past five years,
I've had no regrets.
135
00:06:28,162 --> 00:06:30,162
Ted, you're staring at
my boobs.
136
00:06:30,862 --> 00:06:32,462
In my defense,
they were staring at me.
137
00:06:34,863 --> 00:06:37,863
So what does this mean for you?
Is she ever gonna want to get intimate?
138
00:06:38,463 --> 00:06:39,163
Actually...
139
00:06:39,664 --> 00:06:42,264
But the truth is, I really do
want to do this with you.
140
00:06:43,064 --> 00:06:44,864
I don't think I'd regret it at all.
141
00:06:45,564 --> 00:06:47,165
Your pillow talk's a little rusty.
142
00:06:47,665 --> 00:06:49,765
You know what I mean, Ted.
I'm ready.
143
00:06:50,765 --> 00:06:51,465
That's great.
144
00:06:53,166 --> 00:06:54,966
Like, "right now" ready?
145
00:06:56,066 --> 00:06:57,866
So her sister's driving up
to baby-sit Lucy,
146
00:06:57,966 --> 00:07:00,767
and we're getting a hotel room
in the city Saturday night.
147
00:07:00,867 --> 00:07:02,667
The last time Stella had sex,
148
00:07:02,767 --> 00:07:04,568
The Da Vinci Code
had just come out.
149
00:07:04,768 --> 00:07:06,268
Well, that doesn't seem
like that long ago.
150
00:07:06,368 --> 00:07:08,468
Not the movie, the book.
151
00:07:10,768 --> 00:07:11,969
It's a lot of pressure, isn't it?
152
00:07:12,169 --> 00:07:13,369
You know what?
It's not.
153
00:07:13,469 --> 00:07:17,069
This woman needs it bad. Anything
you do is going to be fireworks.
154
00:07:17,870 --> 00:07:20,070
I remember my longest drought...
155
00:07:20,770 --> 00:07:23,070
It was that summer
I lived in San Francisco.
156
00:07:23,170 --> 00:07:26,771
I hadn't had been with Marshall
in two months and 19 days.
157
00:07:36,473 --> 00:07:38,473
Oh, San Francisco.
158
00:07:39,573 --> 00:07:43,174
I don't know Lily, after five years, her
expectations have gotta be pretty high.
159
00:07:43,474 --> 00:07:45,474
Notable deaths in 2003...
160
00:07:47,674 --> 00:07:48,775
Oh, my God...
161
00:07:49,775 --> 00:07:51,075
Nell Carter.
162
00:07:52,175 --> 00:07:53,875
Did you guys know that
Nell Carter had died?
163
00:07:55,676 --> 00:07:58,176
I'm really gonna have to bring
my A-game to satisfy this woman.
164
00:07:58,276 --> 00:08:00,376
Yeah, it'll be pretty hard
now that she's dead.
165
00:08:00,476 --> 00:08:01,577
Not Nell Carter,
Stella.
166
00:08:02,477 --> 00:08:05,177
Dude, relax.
It's all about expectations management.
167
00:08:05,277 --> 00:08:06,777
Do you know why I hated
Jerry Maguire so much?
168
00:08:07,378 --> 00:08:08,678
Because you're dead inside?
169
00:08:09,378 --> 00:08:11,678
No, because you built it up
for, like, two weeks,
170
00:08:11,778 --> 00:08:13,478
saying it was
the greatest movie ever.
171
00:08:13,578 --> 00:08:16,579
With Stella, do the opposite:
lower expectations.
172
00:08:16,779 --> 00:08:19,980
Right, right, and then no matter
what happens, she'll be happy.
173
00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:23,880
Hey, buddy.
174
00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:27,981
I'm married, Barney.
I cannot be your new wingman.
175
00:08:31,681 --> 00:08:32,882
No.
176
00:08:40,583 --> 00:08:43,583
Hey, Randy. Could you come in
here for a minute?
177
00:08:45,584 --> 00:08:46,684
Good news.
178
00:08:46,984 --> 00:08:48,684
I'm calling you up to the majors.
179
00:08:48,784 --> 00:08:50,384
Starting tomorrow night,
180
00:08:50,484 --> 00:08:52,785
how would you like to be
my new wingman?
181
00:08:55,585 --> 00:08:58,186
Just need to check my calendar.
Be right back.
182
00:09:21,889 --> 00:09:23,090
Tomorrow works.
183
00:09:26,590 --> 00:09:29,891
I have a surprise appetizer
for us today. Check it out.
184
00:09:30,391 --> 00:09:31,991
Potato skins.
185
00:09:32,091 --> 00:09:33,791
- Fancy.
- Yeah, right?
186
00:09:33,891 --> 00:09:36,392
God, it's been forever
since I had potato skins.
187
00:09:36,592 --> 00:09:40,492
I remember them as being pretty much
the most delicious things ever.
188
00:09:44,593 --> 00:09:45,793
That's surprising.
189
00:09:46,393 --> 00:09:48,194
- What?
- This potato skin.
190
00:09:48,594 --> 00:09:52,594
It's good, but not nearly as good
as I'd built it up to be in my head.
191
00:09:53,994 --> 00:09:56,995
Even though this potato skin
performed admirably,
192
00:09:57,095 --> 00:09:59,095
and is a totally respectable size...
193
00:10:00,295 --> 00:10:03,596
I couldn't enjoy it because
of my own unrealistic expectations.
194
00:10:04,996 --> 00:10:06,396
Ted, I see what you're doing.
195
00:10:06,696 --> 00:10:09,497
You're trying to lower
my expectations for tonight.
196
00:10:10,097 --> 00:10:12,097
- Is this a length thing?
- No.
197
00:10:12,197 --> 00:10:13,598
- Quick on the draw?
- No.
198
00:10:13,698 --> 00:10:16,098
- Unexpected number of testicles?
- No!
199
00:10:17,098 --> 00:10:18,798
It's just that
this is a big deal for you.
200
00:10:18,898 --> 00:10:20,499
I mean, it's like
your virginity: the sequel.
201
00:10:22,399 --> 00:10:24,399
Virginity 2: Electric Boogaloo?
202
00:10:24,499 --> 00:10:26,400
Exactly, and I don't want
to mess it up.
203
00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:28,800
I don't want you to ever
wonder if I was worth it.
204
00:10:30,100 --> 00:10:32,501
Ted, of course it's gonna be worth it.
205
00:10:32,901 --> 00:10:34,101
Stop worrying.
206
00:10:34,901 --> 00:10:36,201
It's you and me.
207
00:10:36,401 --> 00:10:38,602
It already has everything it needs.
208
00:10:42,902 --> 00:10:44,803
"Unexpected number of testicles?"
209
00:10:44,903 --> 00:10:47,403
It happens.
I knew a guy in med school...
210
00:10:47,603 --> 00:10:50,103
We used to joke that he was one ball
away from getting walked.
211
00:10:55,704 --> 00:10:58,205
What up, Bro-seph Lieberman?
212
00:10:58,505 --> 00:11:02,905
No, uh-uh. Randy,
we never use the word "bro"
213
00:11:03,005 --> 00:11:06,406
in the name of a failed Democratic
vice presidential candidate.
214
00:11:07,906 --> 00:11:11,607
Good-bye, "Geraldine Ferrar-bro."
215
00:11:12,907 --> 00:11:15,707
You know what?
I'm excited about this, Randy.
216
00:11:15,807 --> 00:11:18,808
You will be my next masterpiece.
It's like with Ted.
217
00:11:18,908 --> 00:11:21,708
When I first met him,
he was an even bigger loser than you.
218
00:11:22,108 --> 00:11:23,609
What a loser.
219
00:11:23,809 --> 00:11:27,709
But tonight, I am going to make you
the greatest wingman
220
00:11:27,809 --> 00:11:30,210
in the history of wingmen.
221
00:11:30,910 --> 00:11:33,110
Oh, it's gonna be easier
than you think, bro.
222
00:11:33,210 --> 00:11:35,411
Yeah, I've been reading
your blog for years.
223
00:11:35,511 --> 00:11:37,111
You are like a God to me.
224
00:11:37,211 --> 00:11:39,911
That's why tonight
is going to be legendary...
225
00:11:40,011 --> 00:11:41,312
wait for it...
226
00:11:42,012 --> 00:11:43,212
dary.
227
00:11:47,513 --> 00:11:49,613
Okay, Randy, let's do this.
228
00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:54,914
- You ready?
- Yes.
229
00:11:55,214 --> 00:11:57,914
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- What? What's the matter?
230
00:11:59,514 --> 00:12:01,815
Nothing.
Let's do this.
231
00:12:03,415 --> 00:12:05,615
No, no, no, no, no, please, please,
please. Just wait. Just wait.
232
00:12:05,715 --> 00:12:08,416
- Just wait. Just wait!
- Randy, what are you doing?
233
00:12:08,616 --> 00:12:11,216
Dripping with game,
that's what I'm doing.
234
00:12:11,716 --> 00:12:14,217
Okay, let's go.
No. Yes. No!
235
00:12:14,517 --> 00:12:17,217
Randy, listen to me:
you can do this, okay?
236
00:12:17,317 --> 00:12:19,518
Oh, I don't know.
Are those girls really that hot?
237
00:12:19,618 --> 00:12:22,818
Yeah, they're hot.
Let's do this. Okay!
238
00:12:26,719 --> 00:12:27,819
Hey, ladies.
239
00:12:27,919 --> 00:12:30,019
Have you met...
240
00:12:37,220 --> 00:12:38,521
- Hey.
- Hey!
241
00:12:38,721 --> 00:12:40,521
So, here's the plan.
242
00:12:40,621 --> 00:12:43,221
Take a horse-drawn carriage through
the park, and it just so happens
243
00:12:43,321 --> 00:12:44,622
the Philharmonic is playing
an open-air...
244
00:12:44,722 --> 00:12:45,822
Ted.
Five years.
245
00:12:45,922 --> 00:12:47,122
- Straight to the hotel?
- Straight to the hotel.
246
00:12:47,222 --> 00:12:48,522
I'll get my bag.
247
00:12:51,623 --> 00:12:52,823
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
248
00:12:52,923 --> 00:12:53,723
Hey.
249
00:12:53,823 --> 00:12:56,223
So, uh,
looking forward to tonight?
250
00:12:56,524 --> 00:12:59,624
Yeah. Definitely. It's been such
a long time since I've had a night out.
251
00:13:00,124 --> 00:13:01,924
Yeah, we heard.
252
00:13:02,024 --> 00:13:05,525
I would explode if it had been that
long since I had a "night out."
253
00:13:05,925 --> 00:13:08,025
This one wakes me up
at 4:00 a.m. sometimes
254
00:13:08,125 --> 00:13:10,426
just to have a little "night out."
255
00:13:11,826 --> 00:13:14,126
Um, what are you guys
talking about?
256
00:13:15,527 --> 00:13:19,027
Nothing. Pizza.
What are you talking about?
257
00:13:20,027 --> 00:13:21,127
Hey, guys.
258
00:13:22,128 --> 00:13:23,628
Ted, you told them, didn't you?
259
00:13:24,128 --> 00:13:25,228
Told them what?
260
00:13:25,628 --> 00:13:28,829
You told them that
I haven't had sex in five years.
261
00:13:31,729 --> 00:13:34,130
You haven't had sex in five years?!
262
00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:38,730
That is a shocking revelation that
we're just finding out about right now.
263
00:13:46,431 --> 00:13:48,832
Stella, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have told them.
264
00:13:48,932 --> 00:13:50,832
But they're my best friends.
I tell them everything.
265
00:13:50,932 --> 00:13:52,532
I didn't even think about it.
266
00:13:52,632 --> 00:13:55,133
Ted, that was so personal.
267
00:13:55,533 --> 00:13:57,933
- Now your friends think I'm a freak.
- No, they don't.
268
00:13:59,033 --> 00:14:00,534
Look, I realize it's weird, okay?
269
00:14:00,634 --> 00:14:02,634
Not many people go
five years without having sex.
270
00:14:02,834 --> 00:14:04,434
13 years?!
271
00:14:04,634 --> 00:14:06,135
I peaked really young.
272
00:14:07,735 --> 00:14:09,535
That's why it was difficult
for me to tell you.
273
00:14:09,635 --> 00:14:11,435
But I did tell you because
I thought that I could trust you.
274
00:14:11,635 --> 00:14:12,736
You can trust me.
275
00:14:12,936 --> 00:14:14,436
Obviously, I can't.
276
00:14:15,736 --> 00:14:18,537
You know, there's always a reason
not to sleep with a guy, and
277
00:14:18,637 --> 00:14:20,037
you just gave me yours.
278
00:14:20,137 --> 00:14:23,537
Wait, did I give you a reason,
or were you looking for one?
279
00:14:24,638 --> 00:14:26,538
Why would I be looking for one?
280
00:14:26,938 --> 00:14:29,038
Because things are getting
serious between us,
281
00:14:29,138 --> 00:14:30,338
and that scares you.
282
00:14:34,039 --> 00:14:35,239
Good night, Ted.
283
00:14:38,840 --> 00:14:40,440
Okay, Randy,
284
00:14:40,540 --> 00:14:43,040
now, tell me,
without looking at your hand,
285
00:14:43,140 --> 00:14:46,741
what are the three beginner techniques
for picking up a woman at a bar?
286
00:14:47,341 --> 00:14:49,241
Isolate her from her friends;
287
00:14:49,341 --> 00:14:51,442
repeat her name in conversation;
288
00:14:51,542 --> 00:14:52,942
subtly put her down.
289
00:14:53,242 --> 00:14:54,142
Excellent.
290
00:14:55,442 --> 00:14:57,343
Now...
let's put those to use.
291
00:14:58,943 --> 00:15:00,643
I'm right behind you.
292
00:15:05,144 --> 00:15:07,544
Hi, I'm Randy.
What's your name?
293
00:15:08,044 --> 00:15:09,945
- Haley.
- Haley.
294
00:15:10,045 --> 00:15:12,445
Haley, that's a pretty name, Haley.
Haley...
295
00:15:12,845 --> 00:15:14,445
come here, Haley.
296
00:15:16,146 --> 00:15:16,946
Okay.
297
00:15:19,746 --> 00:15:22,147
Haley, you are a fat ugly whore.
298
00:15:28,448 --> 00:15:29,548
I'm sorry, Barney.
299
00:15:30,248 --> 00:15:33,148
So you got a drink thrown in your face.
Happens to me all the time.
300
00:15:33,248 --> 00:15:34,949
Pretty soon you'll be able
to anticipate it,
301
00:15:35,049 --> 00:15:36,749
and when you do?
Free drink.
302
00:15:37,949 --> 00:15:39,049
Oh, hey.
303
00:15:39,149 --> 00:15:40,250
We got two live ones.
304
00:15:40,350 --> 00:15:42,350
New plan: this time
follow my lead.
305
00:15:46,050 --> 00:15:47,051
Evening, ladies.
306
00:15:47,451 --> 00:15:50,351
Oh, I like your broach.
What is that?
307
00:15:50,651 --> 00:15:53,252
Oh, it's a koala bear.
I think they're adorable.
308
00:15:53,652 --> 00:15:54,952
No way!
309
00:15:55,052 --> 00:15:59,153
My friend Randy here is the leading
expert on koala bears in Australia!
310
00:15:59,253 --> 00:16:01,153
He's in town working with
the Bronx Zoo.
311
00:16:01,253 --> 00:16:04,153
You are?
That is so cool!
312
00:16:05,154 --> 00:16:07,654
What is your favorite thing
about koala bears?
313
00:16:10,854 --> 00:16:13,155
Their...
314
00:16:14,155 --> 00:16:16,355
meat is delicious.
315
00:16:21,356 --> 00:16:23,456
- I'm sorry, Barney.
- Ah, it's okay.
316
00:16:23,556 --> 00:16:26,457
New plan:
we need to get you comfortable
317
00:16:26,557 --> 00:16:28,657
just saying words to women.
318
00:16:29,057 --> 00:16:31,558
Now, there's no reason to be nervous,
because my friend, Robin,
319
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:32,858
has agreed to help out.
320
00:16:32,958 --> 00:16:35,158
Because you threatened to put a video
of us on the Internet,
321
00:16:35,258 --> 00:16:36,959
which I'm still not
convinced you have.
322
00:16:37,059 --> 00:16:40,059
Right, which is why you came
all the way from Brooklyn at midnight.
323
00:16:40,559 --> 00:16:41,859
Now Randy,
324
00:16:42,459 --> 00:16:43,660
let's keep it simple.
325
00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:46,060
Just start by introducing yourself.
326
00:16:47,060 --> 00:16:48,560
Hi.
My name's Randy.
327
00:16:48,860 --> 00:16:49,661
Hi, Randy.
328
00:16:50,561 --> 00:16:52,261
- How are you?
- I'm good. How are you?
329
00:16:52,661 --> 00:16:54,161
- Good, thank you.
- Great.
330
00:16:54,261 --> 00:16:58,162
You're doing really, really well.
Now ask her what she's doing later.
331
00:16:58,562 --> 00:17:00,262
What are you doing later?
332
00:17:00,762 --> 00:17:03,163
Yeah, your nose is bleeding
like a faucet.
333
00:17:05,063 --> 00:17:08,564
Oh, God. This happens every time
I get an erection. I am so sorry.
334
00:17:12,064 --> 00:17:14,665
Okay.
Okay, new plan.
335
00:17:14,765 --> 00:17:18,165
We wrap his face in gauze
so he can't bleed or talk.
336
00:17:18,265 --> 00:17:19,765
- You are the woman...
- Barney,
337
00:17:19,865 --> 00:17:22,666
why are you so desperate
to have this happen?
338
00:17:22,766 --> 00:17:24,766
I'm a wingman.
That's what wingmen do.
339
00:17:25,366 --> 00:17:28,067
Is it possible that you're trying
to fill the void
340
00:17:28,167 --> 00:17:31,367
of losing Ted by rushing into
a new wingman relationship?
341
00:17:32,167 --> 00:17:33,268
What are you saying?
342
00:17:33,368 --> 00:17:36,268
I'm saying that Randy
is your rebound bro.
343
00:17:37,068 --> 00:17:39,068
No.
That's crazy.
344
00:17:39,569 --> 00:17:41,269
What Randy and I have is real.
345
00:17:42,169 --> 00:17:45,970
No, it's not, Barney.
And even if you got Randy laid tonight,
346
00:17:46,070 --> 00:17:49,970
would it feel anywhere near as
meaningful as when you got Ted laid?
347
00:17:51,170 --> 00:17:53,271
He was just so happy
the next morning, you know?
348
00:17:53,471 --> 00:17:54,071
I know.
349
00:17:55,071 --> 00:17:57,171
All right.
It hasn't clotted but I think
350
00:17:57,271 --> 00:17:59,672
it's pretty much
draining backwards now.
351
00:18:01,972 --> 00:18:03,072
Randy.
352
00:18:04,172 --> 00:18:05,473
I've been thinking,
353
00:18:06,073 --> 00:18:07,473
this isn't working out.
354
00:18:08,273 --> 00:18:10,173
Yeah, I figured.
355
00:18:10,373 --> 00:18:13,674
I knew I couldn't fly this close
to the sun without getting burned.
356
00:18:14,374 --> 00:18:17,075
This is the story of my life.
I always let people down.
357
00:18:17,175 --> 00:18:19,575
You, my dad, the chief.
358
00:18:20,075 --> 00:18:20,875
The chief?
359
00:18:21,475 --> 00:18:23,176
Yeah, I was a cop
for like three months.
360
00:18:23,376 --> 00:18:25,776
But I got kicked off the force
because I screwed up so much
361
00:18:25,876 --> 00:18:27,676
I was an insurance liability.
362
00:18:28,076 --> 00:18:31,477
You were a New York City police officer
and you didn't tell me?
363
00:18:31,877 --> 00:18:34,077
Wow!
Did you ever shoot anybody?
364
00:18:34,177 --> 00:18:36,378
- Only all the time.
- But not himself.
365
00:18:36,478 --> 00:18:38,078
- And not in the foot.
- Actually...
366
00:18:38,178 --> 00:18:40,178
- Ah, bah, bah, bah, bah.
- but nothing.
367
00:18:40,678 --> 00:18:43,679
I don't think there's anything
hotter than a cop.
368
00:18:44,479 --> 00:18:46,379
Are you okay?
Your nose is bleeding.
369
00:18:47,079 --> 00:18:49,980
Old injury. The bullet's still
lodged in his sinus.
370
00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:51,980
Oh, my God!
You know what?
371
00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:55,481
I live right around the corner. Can I
take you to my place and fix you up?
372
00:18:58,981 --> 00:19:00,581
That would be very nice.
373
00:19:02,582 --> 00:19:04,382
Have a great time, you two.
374
00:19:04,482 --> 00:19:07,383
Oh, my God, thank you.
I can't thank you enough.
375
00:19:09,483 --> 00:19:12,183
I am the greatest wingman of all time.
376
00:19:12,883 --> 00:19:14,984
Ted doesn't know what he's missing.
377
00:19:16,184 --> 00:19:18,484
You had to mention Ted, didn't you?
378
00:19:26,386 --> 00:19:29,486
Okay, I really overreacted
last night. I'm sorry.
379
00:19:30,686 --> 00:19:34,487
Maybe I have some trust issues,
but believe me, I have earned them.
380
00:19:35,787 --> 00:19:39,388
You said that I was looking for a reason
for this whole thing to fall apart.
381
00:19:39,688 --> 00:19:41,788
Well, you're onto me, Ted.
382
00:19:42,488 --> 00:19:45,289
That's actually something
that I do a lot.
383
00:19:45,889 --> 00:19:48,589
But I'm not going to
do that with you.
384
00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:50,389
Ted...
385
00:19:51,089 --> 00:19:51,790
I'm in.
386
00:19:53,590 --> 00:19:55,890
This is awkward.
I have a girl here.
387
00:20:05,392 --> 00:20:06,492
Come on.
388
00:20:06,692 --> 00:20:09,692
There is something that
I'm ready to do with you.
389
00:20:15,493 --> 00:20:17,594
Ted, this is Lucy.
390
00:20:17,794 --> 00:20:19,794
- Hi, Lucy.
- Lucy, this is Ted.
391
00:20:19,894 --> 00:20:21,894
Stella and I thought our relationship
392
00:20:21,994 --> 00:20:24,195
was going to take
a big step that weekend.
393
00:20:24,295 --> 00:20:27,195
Turned out,
it took an even bigger one.
394
00:20:34,196 --> 00:20:36,897
- She's sound asleep.
- Oh. She is so great.
395
00:20:37,197 --> 00:20:38,797
I think so.
396
00:20:39,297 --> 00:20:41,197
So, uh, I was thinking,
397
00:20:41,097 --> 00:20:43,298
my sister is in town
until tomorrow.
398
00:20:43,198 --> 00:20:45,898
And, uh, there's a motel
just down the turnpike.
399
00:20:53,199 --> 00:20:55,300
- Wow, that was amazing!
- Oh, yeah.
400
00:20:55,800 --> 00:20:57,000
What are you doing?
401
00:20:57,100 --> 00:20:59,900
I gotta call Marshall and Lily.
Tell them about this.
30894
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