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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:05,923 WANDA: Previously on WandaVision... 2 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,758 WANDA: We are an unusual couple, ya know? 3 00:00:10,427 --> 00:00:12,346 My wife and her flying saucers. 4 00:00:12,429 --> 00:00:15,057 My husband and his indestructible head. 5 00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:17,893 Hello, dear. I'm Agnes, your neighbor to the right. 6 00:00:17,976 --> 00:00:19,728 NORM: You're like a walking computer. 7 00:00:19,811 --> 00:00:21,355 What? I most certainly am not. 8 00:00:21,438 --> 00:00:24,274 VISION: Dinner with Mr. Hart and his dear lady wife, Mrs. Hart. 9 00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:25,359 MRS. HART: What brought you here? 10 00:00:25,442 --> 00:00:27,736 -How long have you been married? -ARTHUR: Why did you come here? 11 00:00:27,819 --> 00:00:29,112 Damn it, why? 12 00:00:29,738 --> 00:00:31,740 -MRS. HART: Stop it. Stop it. -(CHOKING) 13 00:00:33,116 --> 00:00:34,576 Vision, help him. 14 00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:18,245 -(THUDDING) -(GASPS) 15 00:01:18,829 --> 00:01:20,706 -What was that? -(THUDDING CONTINUES) 16 00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:30,424 Wanda? 17 00:01:30,507 --> 00:01:31,508 Yes, dear? 18 00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:34,178 Are you using your powers to turn on the light? 19 00:01:34,261 --> 00:01:35,637 -(THUDDING) -Yes, dear. 20 00:01:35,721 --> 00:01:37,472 Allow me, sweetheart. 21 00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:44,104 WANDA: What do you see? 22 00:01:45,272 --> 00:01:46,815 Only your lovely rose bushes. 23 00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:48,859 That's all? 24 00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:51,236 Are you using your night vision, Vision? 25 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:53,488 I assure you, my love, I see nothing amiss. 26 00:01:53,572 --> 00:01:55,824 You have absolutely no reason to be frightened... (YELPS) 27 00:02:00,579 --> 00:02:01,747 You were saying? 28 00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:04,791 Actually, I did overhear a couple of lads at work 29 00:02:04,875 --> 00:02:07,961 remarking on a few unsavory characters settling in the neighborhood. 30 00:02:08,045 --> 00:02:11,006 Now, who knows what those ne'er-do-wells might be up to? 31 00:02:11,089 --> 00:02:13,258 Robbing houses, vandalizing property. 32 00:02:13,342 --> 00:02:16,011 Walking through walls, moving objects without touching them. 33 00:02:16,094 --> 00:02:19,640 Wanda, darling, you can't be suggesting my colleagues were referring to us. 34 00:02:19,723 --> 00:02:20,933 -(THUD) -(WANDA GASPS) 35 00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:26,647 One of us should really determine the source of that sound. 36 00:02:26,730 --> 00:02:29,483 Yes, one of us should. 37 00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:30,651 -(THUD) -(BOTH GASP) 38 00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:32,486 Oh, this is getting ridiculous. 39 00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:34,988 I'm going to take a look. 40 00:02:35,072 --> 00:02:36,823 -Oh, God! Darling! -(THUD) 41 00:02:36,907 --> 00:02:38,283 (THUDDING) 42 00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,206 Well, I think we handled that well. 43 00:02:44,289 --> 00:02:46,416 Yes, I must say I'm rather proud of myself. 44 00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:50,546 And look how you seized on the opportunity to redecorate. 45 00:02:50,629 --> 00:02:53,215 -This is better, isn't it? -Mmm. 46 00:02:55,968 --> 00:02:57,302 Wanda, darling? 47 00:02:57,386 --> 00:02:58,554 Yes, dear? 48 00:02:58,637 --> 00:03:00,264 Get the light. 49 00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:07,396 (OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 50 00:03:18,657 --> 00:03:20,075 WandaVision! 51 00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,169 WandaVision! 52 00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:46,101 WandaVision Wa-WandaVision 53 00:03:46,185 --> 00:03:48,645 WandaVision Wa-WandaVision 54 00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:51,690 WandaVision Wa-WandaVision 55 00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:54,401 WandaVision! 56 00:03:57,362 --> 00:04:00,908 Ladies and gentlemen, for my final trick, 57 00:04:00,991 --> 00:04:05,287 I bring you the Cabinet of Mysteries. 58 00:04:07,831 --> 00:04:10,709 -Darling, that's your cue. -WANDA: You said, "Cabinet of Mysteries?" 59 00:04:10,792 --> 00:04:14,296 I said, "The Cabinet of Mysteries." 60 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:17,090 WANDA: Oh, that's my cue. Ooh! 61 00:04:17,174 --> 00:04:19,510 Holy Toledo! 62 00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:23,055 Darling, do all the other acts in the talent show 63 00:04:23,138 --> 00:04:25,349 have such elaborate props? 64 00:04:26,308 --> 00:04:27,559 Are you kidding? 65 00:04:27,643 --> 00:04:29,228 Fred and Linda are building a moat 66 00:04:29,311 --> 00:04:32,147 and a fully-functioning portcullis and no one even knows why. 67 00:04:32,231 --> 00:04:33,315 Let's keep going. 68 00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:35,359 Yes, yes. Where was I? Um... 69 00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:39,071 Watch closely as I, Illusion, Master of Enigma, 70 00:04:39,154 --> 00:04:42,783 make my captivating assistant, Glamour, disappear. 71 00:04:43,242 --> 00:04:44,243 (WANDA GASPS) 72 00:04:46,745 --> 00:04:48,455 You really are very dashing. 73 00:04:48,539 --> 00:04:50,123 Mmm, thank you, darling. 74 00:04:50,207 --> 00:04:52,209 Fear not, Glamour. 75 00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:56,839 For I, Illusion, vow to bring you back exactly as you are. 76 00:04:56,922 --> 00:04:58,131 (SHUDDERS) 77 00:04:58,215 --> 00:05:00,592 Abracadabra! 78 00:05:03,011 --> 00:05:05,389 Ta-ta... 79 00:05:08,684 --> 00:05:12,688 Yes, um, Wanda, you're not at all worried 80 00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:16,733 that the audience might just see through this little charade? 81 00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:18,402 Well, that's the whole point. 82 00:05:18,527 --> 00:05:20,863 In a real magic act, everything is fake. 83 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:26,535 Darling, the talent show fundraiser is the most important event of the season 84 00:05:26,618 --> 00:05:29,413 and it's our neighborly duty to participate. 85 00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:33,000 Plus, it's our chance to appear as normal as possible while doing so. 86 00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:35,460 Well, I don't think that should be a problem. 87 00:05:36,628 --> 00:05:37,713 This is our home now. 88 00:05:39,089 --> 00:05:41,216 I want us to fit in. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) 89 00:05:41,925 --> 00:05:44,845 Oh, darling, we do. We shall. 90 00:05:45,804 --> 00:05:48,182 And we're gonna knock their socks off, 91 00:05:48,265 --> 00:05:52,477 especially with you wearing this. 92 00:05:52,561 --> 00:05:54,688 Oh, that's actually the rest of your costume. 93 00:05:54,771 --> 00:05:55,772 Oh! 94 00:05:57,983 --> 00:05:59,067 Well, I better get going 95 00:05:59,151 --> 00:06:01,278 If I'm gonna make the planning committee meeting. 96 00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,946 That's me off as well, actually. 97 00:06:03,488 --> 00:06:04,990 There's a gathering of the neighborhood watch 98 00:06:05,073 --> 00:06:06,658 at the public library. 99 00:06:06,742 --> 00:06:08,952 And after last night's excitement, 100 00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:12,372 I want to make sure this town's security is up to snuff. 101 00:06:12,456 --> 00:06:14,082 That's a swell idea. 102 00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:18,253 You tell those tree branches who's boss. 103 00:06:19,630 --> 00:06:20,964 Would you look at us? 104 00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:23,926 Wanda and Vision, Westview fitter-inners. 105 00:06:24,009 --> 00:06:25,135 (CHUCKLING) 106 00:06:26,428 --> 00:06:27,888 I'll see you at curtain call. 107 00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:41,109 (THUDDING) 108 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:41,837 Look, it's the star o' the show. (CHUCKLES) 109 00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:43,005 Agnes. 110 00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:45,966 I'm sorry. What did you say? 111 00:07:46,049 --> 00:07:49,136 Oh, I brought my pet rabbit. For your magic act. 112 00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:53,432 Yes, of course! Thank you, Agnes. 113 00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:56,310 We will take good care of him. 114 00:07:56,393 --> 00:07:59,062 Señor Scratchy just loves the stage. 115 00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:02,399 He played baby Jesus in last year's Christmas pageant. 116 00:08:03,108 --> 00:08:04,109 Oh. 117 00:08:06,695 --> 00:08:08,113 Oh, morning, Dennis. 118 00:08:08,197 --> 00:08:09,615 Morning, Agnes. 119 00:08:09,698 --> 00:08:10,782 Stick 'em up. 120 00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:13,994 Don't shoot. I'm just a messenger. 121 00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:15,746 (CHUCKLING) Pew-pew! 122 00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:18,207 Mmm. 123 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,461 -Shall we? -Oh, we shall. 124 00:08:27,466 --> 00:08:31,470 So, are you ready to meet Queen Cul de Sac and her Merry Homemakers? 125 00:08:31,553 --> 00:08:33,764 (CHUCKLES) Agnes, Dottie can't be as bad as you say. 126 00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:37,976 Hmm, well, you'll notice her roses bloom under penalty of death. 127 00:08:38,060 --> 00:08:39,061 (SCOFFS) 128 00:08:40,145 --> 00:08:44,399 Wanda, can I give you a bit of friendly advice? 129 00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:46,193 Is it about the way how I'm dressed? 130 00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:48,237 Yes, but it's too late for that. 131 00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:52,449 Dottie is the key to everything in this town. 132 00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:55,953 Country club memberships, parties, school admissions... 133 00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:58,247 Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves. (CHUCKLES) 134 00:08:58,330 --> 00:09:01,917 You get in with Dottie and it'll be smooth sailing from here on out. 135 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:05,587 Just mind your P's and Q's and you're gonna do just fine. 136 00:09:05,671 --> 00:09:08,757 Or maybe I could just be myself? More or less? 137 00:09:11,301 --> 00:09:13,804 (LAUGHING) 138 00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:16,598 Oh, Wanda, that's good. 139 00:09:16,682 --> 00:09:18,851 -(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) -(LAUGHING) 140 00:09:18,934 --> 00:09:21,478 Everybody, hurry up please. 141 00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:25,274 Hiya, Dottie! Your roses are divine. 142 00:09:26,191 --> 00:09:27,693 Well, thank you. 143 00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:32,322 -(SIGHS) -(EXHALES) 144 00:09:36,285 --> 00:09:39,663 The Rotary Club is finishing the stage set-up as we speak. 145 00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:42,040 They've given the gazebo a fresh coat of paint 146 00:09:42,124 --> 00:09:45,961 and will be installing the final decorations all through the town square. 147 00:09:46,044 --> 00:09:47,921 And if you recognize the antique footlights, 148 00:09:48,005 --> 00:09:50,132 it's because they're from my store. 149 00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:51,717 And the chairs? 150 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:56,930 I'm sorry, Dottie. I didn't ask about the chairs. 151 00:09:57,014 --> 00:10:00,976 So you better not ask me if you can chair any committees in the future. 152 00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:03,812 (WOMEN LAUGHING) 153 00:10:04,563 --> 00:10:06,481 The devil's in the details, Bev. 154 00:10:06,565 --> 00:10:08,942 That's not the only place he is. 155 00:10:09,026 --> 00:10:11,153 DOTTIE: As you all know, the talent show 156 00:10:11,236 --> 00:10:14,072 is the sole fundraiser for Westview Elementary. 157 00:10:14,156 --> 00:10:15,199 This might help. 158 00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:17,910 DOTTIE: In the eight years since I founded our little club, 159 00:10:17,993 --> 00:10:21,246 this event has gotten bigger and better every season. 160 00:10:21,330 --> 00:10:24,124 Say, those pants are peachy keen. 161 00:10:24,208 --> 00:10:25,751 Do you really think so? 162 00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:28,086 The other ladies are in skirts. I was worried. 163 00:10:28,170 --> 00:10:30,172 We only have a few hours until show time, 164 00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:33,425 so a little less cross chatter and a little more focus. 165 00:10:34,176 --> 00:10:35,427 Okay. 166 00:10:35,511 --> 00:10:38,472 DOTTIE: Those little boys and girls are counting on us. 167 00:10:38,555 --> 00:10:41,350 All of this is for the children. 168 00:10:41,433 --> 00:10:42,768 WOMEN: "For the children." 169 00:10:43,894 --> 00:10:45,395 "For the children." 170 00:10:47,689 --> 00:10:48,690 (CLEARS THROAT) 171 00:10:48,774 --> 00:10:52,819 So, I want you all to give yourselves a big hand... 172 00:10:55,531 --> 00:10:58,450 ...at the appropriate time, of course. 173 00:10:58,534 --> 00:11:01,995 But first let's review event etiquette. 174 00:11:02,079 --> 00:11:04,957 Dress code is upscale garden party... 175 00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:08,126 The only reason I didn't clap is because I'm afraid to move. 176 00:11:08,210 --> 00:11:09,294 Yeah. 177 00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:11,630 I actually don't know what I'm doing here. 178 00:11:11,713 --> 00:11:14,925 I'm starting to feel that way myself. I'm Wanda. 179 00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:19,263 -I'm, uh... Geraldine. -Hi. 180 00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:21,306 And I'm irritated. 181 00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:27,104 Tickets for tonight are completely sold out. 182 00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:29,022 Now, you can clap. 183 00:11:30,774 --> 00:11:32,276 And stop. 184 00:11:33,443 --> 00:11:36,363 Really, how is anybody doing this sober? 185 00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:48,250 -Let's say green. -NORM: Yeah. 186 00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:50,085 I mean, the other side could be dirt. 187 00:11:50,168 --> 00:11:52,880 Pardon me. Is this the neighborhood watch meeting? 188 00:11:53,964 --> 00:11:56,425 NORM: Oh, hiya, Vision. 189 00:11:56,508 --> 00:11:58,552 Didn't expect to see you here. 190 00:11:59,845 --> 00:12:03,765 This is sort of a "members only" type deal. 191 00:12:03,849 --> 00:12:06,643 Ah! Certainly. Right. Well... 192 00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:09,855 I'll just stay here and be as quiet as a church mouse 193 00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:12,065 till you open up the floor for new business. 194 00:12:12,733 --> 00:12:15,152 Well, in truth, we were just getting to new business. 195 00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:18,197 Oh, splendid! Could you tell me how often you rotate security patrols? 196 00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:20,699 Do you interface directly with local law enforcement? 197 00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:23,035 What are your protocols for threats such as burglary, 198 00:12:23,118 --> 00:12:24,453 graffiti, and reckless driving? 199 00:12:24,536 --> 00:12:27,539 -No, Vision. -I know these are indeed grave matters. 200 00:12:27,623 --> 00:12:31,001 "New business" actually means another round of Danish. 201 00:12:31,752 --> 00:12:34,546 Raspberry or cheese-filled? 202 00:12:34,630 --> 00:12:36,965 Oh, neither for me, thank you. I don't eat food. 203 00:12:43,055 --> 00:12:47,226 What I mean to say is that I don't eat food in between meals but at mealtimes. 204 00:12:47,851 --> 00:12:49,895 I'm a regular eating machine. 205 00:12:50,729 --> 00:12:51,730 (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) 206 00:12:52,898 --> 00:12:55,317 Hey, fellas. Vision here has got a point. 207 00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:59,279 Now, listen up. I got some top secret intelligence for you. 208 00:12:59,363 --> 00:13:00,405 Oh, excellent. 209 00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:02,908 Now, you know how Johnson's been braggin' 210 00:13:02,991 --> 00:13:04,785 about that treehouse he built for his kids? 211 00:13:04,868 --> 00:13:05,994 Yeah. 212 00:13:06,745 --> 00:13:08,080 It's a prefab job. 213 00:13:08,163 --> 00:13:09,289 (ALL SCOFFING) 214 00:13:09,373 --> 00:13:11,667 That blockhead can't even swing a hammer. 215 00:13:12,543 --> 00:13:13,627 I can do you one better. 216 00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:16,129 You know those bowling trophies Arthur's always polishing? 217 00:13:17,506 --> 00:13:20,342 He bought 'em all at a yard sale in Hackensack. 218 00:13:20,425 --> 00:13:23,345 I knew it. I've never once seen him down at the lanes. 219 00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:28,475 I too have some top secret gossip to share. 220 00:13:31,770 --> 00:13:33,105 Norm here's a Communist. 221 00:13:36,275 --> 00:13:37,943 (ALL LAUGHING) 222 00:13:43,949 --> 00:13:45,158 Vision, you're a real cut-up. 223 00:13:45,242 --> 00:13:47,536 You know, I always thought you were kind of a square. 224 00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:51,081 -Me? No, I'm as round as they come. -(ALL LAUGHING) 225 00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:54,084 Hey, care for a stick o' Big Red? 226 00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:55,836 Well, hold on there a second. 227 00:13:55,919 --> 00:13:58,213 Didn't you hear the man? He doesn't eat food. 228 00:13:58,297 --> 00:13:59,840 Is gum food? 229 00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:02,551 Well, my understanding is that it's purely for mastication. 230 00:14:03,802 --> 00:14:04,970 No, I don't do that. 231 00:14:05,762 --> 00:14:08,891 Well, when in Westview... Cheers. 232 00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:12,311 Who knew you were such a funny guy? 233 00:14:12,394 --> 00:14:16,899 And to think you came here all hot and bothered about protocols and nonsense. 234 00:14:16,982 --> 00:14:18,942 We actually thought you were serious. 235 00:14:26,450 --> 00:14:31,038 He's funny. All right, so, back to this barbeque. 236 00:14:33,290 --> 00:14:35,042 (SONG PLAYING THROUGH RADIO) 237 00:14:36,210 --> 00:14:37,377 (GRUNTS) 238 00:14:37,461 --> 00:14:41,215 That is why you never do a seating chart on an empty stomach. 239 00:14:41,298 --> 00:14:44,343 Golly, you're a whiz at all this committee stuff, Dottie. 240 00:14:44,426 --> 00:14:48,597 Thank you for choosing me to help you clean up today. I feel so lucky. 241 00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:50,224 You are. 242 00:14:54,937 --> 00:14:56,772 I can't help but wonder if you and I 243 00:14:56,855 --> 00:14:59,191 haven't gotten off on the wrong foot, Dottie. 244 00:14:59,274 --> 00:15:02,694 And I would like to correct that if I can. 245 00:15:02,778 --> 00:15:04,488 And how would you do that? 246 00:15:05,614 --> 00:15:06,615 (CHUCKLES) 247 00:15:08,075 --> 00:15:10,077 I've heard things about you. 248 00:15:12,496 --> 00:15:14,206 You and your husband. 249 00:15:15,290 --> 00:15:18,252 Well, I don't know what you've been told, 250 00:15:20,337 --> 00:15:24,675 but I assure you I don't mean anyone any harm. 251 00:15:26,510 --> 00:15:28,262 I don't believe you. 252 00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:37,312 MAN: (THROUGH RADIO) Wanda. Wanda, can you read me, over? 253 00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:40,440 -Wanda? -Who is that? 254 00:15:40,524 --> 00:15:41,733 Wanda? 255 00:15:46,321 --> 00:15:47,614 Who are you? 256 00:15:47,698 --> 00:15:50,158 Wanda? 257 00:15:50,242 --> 00:15:52,202 Wanda. 258 00:15:52,286 --> 00:15:54,872 Who is doing this to you, Wanda? 259 00:15:54,955 --> 00:15:58,542 Wanda? Wanda? Wan... 260 00:15:59,376 --> 00:16:01,295 (BOTH GASP) 261 00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:03,964 WANDA: Dottie! 262 00:16:04,673 --> 00:16:05,674 (STUTTERS) 263 00:16:07,759 --> 00:16:10,053 You... Oh! 264 00:16:11,096 --> 00:16:13,348 (SONG PLAYING THROUGH RADIO) 265 00:16:16,768 --> 00:16:18,228 Pop quiz, Wanda. 266 00:16:19,855 --> 00:16:22,691 How does a housewife get a bloodstain out of white linen? 267 00:16:25,027 --> 00:16:26,528 By doing it herself. 268 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:40,292 MAN: They say a man is never fully-dressed without two important accessories. 269 00:16:40,375 --> 00:16:42,044 His special lady... 270 00:16:44,546 --> 00:16:46,715 and his Strücker. 271 00:16:52,262 --> 00:16:55,766 Strücker. He'll make time for you. 272 00:17:03,565 --> 00:17:05,984 -(TAP DANCING) -(PIANO PLAYING) 273 00:17:12,783 --> 00:17:15,619 (GIGGLES) Glad I don't have to follow this guy. 274 00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:17,246 Huh? What? 275 00:17:17,913 --> 00:17:19,373 Oh, but you're gonna be great. 276 00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:21,041 (SHUDDERING) 277 00:17:22,125 --> 00:17:23,293 What time is it now? 278 00:17:23,377 --> 00:17:25,587 Mmm, two minutes after the last time you asked. 279 00:17:25,671 --> 00:17:26,755 (WANDA GROANING) 280 00:17:26,839 --> 00:17:28,465 I don't know where he could be. 281 00:17:32,761 --> 00:17:35,222 -Oh, is that him? -(GASPS) 282 00:17:35,305 --> 00:17:38,559 Well, it looks like he's got a little hitch in his giddy-up. 283 00:17:38,642 --> 00:17:39,935 Whoa! 284 00:17:44,314 --> 00:17:47,651 Wanda, my little cabbage, you look smashing! 285 00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:49,152 -(VISION GRUNTS) -Whoa! 286 00:17:52,698 --> 00:17:53,782 -WANDA: Vis. -Hmm. 287 00:17:53,866 --> 00:17:55,200 -Where have you been? -Oh. 288 00:17:55,284 --> 00:17:57,744 Uh, well, me and the boys were playing 289 00:17:57,828 --> 00:18:00,622 a rather thrilling game of horses with shoes. 290 00:18:00,706 --> 00:18:01,874 No, that's not it. 291 00:18:01,957 --> 00:18:03,834 Shoe horses! No. (GRUNTS) 292 00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:05,794 Ah! Horse's shoes. 293 00:18:05,878 --> 00:18:10,007 Listen, something strange happened with Dottie. 294 00:18:10,090 --> 00:18:14,970 Well, something strange happened before that, too. It's hard to explain. 295 00:18:15,053 --> 00:18:17,556 I was just playing with his shoes. 296 00:18:17,639 --> 00:18:19,266 What is going on? 297 00:18:19,349 --> 00:18:20,434 You are! 298 00:18:20,517 --> 00:18:21,727 Huh? (GASPS) 299 00:18:22,978 --> 00:18:25,230 I want to thank you all for coming out 300 00:18:25,314 --> 00:18:29,610 to support Westview Elementary, "For the children." 301 00:18:29,693 --> 00:18:31,904 ALL: "For the children." 302 00:18:31,987 --> 00:18:33,197 And for our final act... 303 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:37,201 I give you, Wanda and Vision. 304 00:18:37,284 --> 00:18:38,577 (APPLAUSE) 305 00:18:40,913 --> 00:18:41,955 (SIGHS) 306 00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:56,303 Hey! Hey! You're up, Cowboy! 307 00:18:57,179 --> 00:18:58,514 What? 308 00:18:59,515 --> 00:19:01,475 Oh! Yeah! I've to go! 309 00:19:02,434 --> 00:19:05,687 Hello, Westview! Good afternoon. 310 00:19:05,771 --> 00:19:07,105 It's so lovely to be... 311 00:19:07,189 --> 00:19:09,650 I'm so sorry. Excuse me. 312 00:19:09,733 --> 00:19:12,945 I am Glamour and this is my delightful assistant, Illusion. 313 00:19:13,028 --> 00:19:17,324 I am Glamour and he's Illusion. 314 00:19:18,909 --> 00:19:20,410 Yeah, what she said. 315 00:19:20,494 --> 00:19:26,625 Today, we will lie to you and yet you will believe our little deceptions 316 00:19:26,708 --> 00:19:28,544 because human beings are easily fooled 317 00:19:28,627 --> 00:19:32,673 due to their limited understanding of the inner workings of the universe. 318 00:19:32,756 --> 00:19:34,132 Flourish! 319 00:19:34,216 --> 00:19:36,260 You just do it, you don't say it out loud, honey. 320 00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:37,469 (SCOFFS) 321 00:19:37,553 --> 00:19:41,390 And now my wife and I will delight 322 00:19:41,473 --> 00:19:44,101 in your dumbstruck little faces. 323 00:19:45,519 --> 00:19:46,770 Flourish! 324 00:19:49,231 --> 00:19:50,315 (ALL GASPING) 325 00:19:59,408 --> 00:20:00,701 (VISION STAMMERING) 326 00:20:01,410 --> 00:20:03,996 Ha! See there? He's using a rope. 327 00:20:04,079 --> 00:20:08,333 Wanda, what's... Oh, no! Oh! No! Wanda, please! 328 00:20:08,417 --> 00:20:11,169 -Darling, let me down! -Oh! 329 00:20:11,253 --> 00:20:15,007 -I'm feeling pukey! -(LAUGHING) 330 00:20:15,090 --> 00:20:16,425 VISION: Ooh! 331 00:20:18,177 --> 00:20:20,137 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING) 332 00:20:20,220 --> 00:20:21,597 Uh, what's next? 333 00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:24,933 Oh! Yeah, this is... This is gonna be great! 334 00:20:25,893 --> 00:20:28,103 A staggering feat of strength. 335 00:20:29,479 --> 00:20:31,565 (AUDIENCE GASPING) 336 00:20:34,651 --> 00:20:37,070 -Ah? -Illusion... Uh... Uh... 337 00:20:38,197 --> 00:20:42,868 -Illusion, Master of Enigma, allow me. -Yeah? 338 00:20:42,951 --> 00:20:45,287 -What? -(WANDA GRUNTS) 339 00:20:45,370 --> 00:20:47,748 -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -Oh! 340 00:20:49,124 --> 00:20:52,294 Whoops! You weren't supposed to see how we did that trick. 341 00:20:52,377 --> 00:20:54,004 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING) 342 00:20:54,087 --> 00:20:56,298 That was my grandmother's piano. 343 00:20:56,924 --> 00:21:01,345 Oh, Sherbert! Yeah, this is my old mate, Sherbert. 344 00:21:01,428 --> 00:21:03,764 Stand up, Sherbert. Say hello to the crowd. 345 00:21:03,847 --> 00:21:05,432 It's Herbert, Herb. 346 00:21:05,516 --> 00:21:09,520 Pipe down, Sherbie, and pick a card. Any card. 347 00:21:09,603 --> 00:21:12,064 Yeah, put it back in the deck. 348 00:21:12,147 --> 00:21:15,234 I'm not looking. All right. Watch this. 349 00:21:17,861 --> 00:21:18,987 Is this your card? 350 00:21:19,780 --> 00:21:21,532 Uh, no. 351 00:21:22,366 --> 00:21:23,742 I beg to differ. 352 00:21:23,825 --> 00:21:24,910 Mmm-mmm. 353 00:21:24,993 --> 00:21:27,663 Really? Is this your card? 354 00:21:27,746 --> 00:21:29,873 -Vision... -Mmm-mmm. 355 00:21:29,957 --> 00:21:30,958 (GROANS IN ANGER) 356 00:21:31,041 --> 00:21:34,253 Is this your card? Is this your card? Is this your card? Is this your card? 357 00:21:34,336 --> 00:21:37,464 -Is this your card? -Mmm-mmm. 358 00:21:37,548 --> 00:21:39,508 Argh! Is this your card? Is this your card? 359 00:21:39,591 --> 00:21:40,801 -No. No. No. No. -Is this your card? 360 00:21:40,884 --> 00:21:43,929 Is this your card? Is this your card? Is this your card? Is this your card? 361 00:21:44,012 --> 00:21:45,222 Is this your card? 362 00:21:45,305 --> 00:21:46,515 Oh, it is! 363 00:21:46,598 --> 00:21:47,683 It is what? 364 00:21:47,766 --> 00:21:48,934 It's my card. 365 00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:52,354 Well, pardon me, Herb. Have it back. 366 00:21:53,605 --> 00:21:54,940 Oh, no, you did the trick right. 367 00:21:55,023 --> 00:21:57,568 Well, of course I did the trick right! I'm Illusion! 368 00:21:57,651 --> 00:21:59,570 Flourish! 369 00:21:59,653 --> 00:22:02,948 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND LAUGHING) 370 00:22:03,031 --> 00:22:04,908 And now, for my next trick... 371 00:22:04,992 --> 00:22:06,618 Oh, goodness me. 372 00:22:07,411 --> 00:22:08,954 Who stole my hat? 373 00:22:09,037 --> 00:22:10,956 Oh! Oh, stop that rabbit! 374 00:22:11,039 --> 00:22:13,333 I gotta need to pull a hat out of it. 375 00:22:14,626 --> 00:22:17,963 Señor Scratchy's got real star quality, don't you think? 376 00:22:18,046 --> 00:22:21,508 Maybe we leave the poor bunny out this one, shall we? 377 00:22:21,592 --> 00:22:24,303 Well then, I will just have to pull this hat... 378 00:22:25,596 --> 00:22:27,389 ...out of myself. 379 00:22:27,890 --> 00:22:29,183 (AUDIENCE GASPING) 380 00:22:29,892 --> 00:22:31,018 Vision, no. 381 00:22:31,101 --> 00:22:32,477 I'm doin' it. 382 00:22:34,813 --> 00:22:36,607 Ah-ha! 383 00:22:37,316 --> 00:22:38,567 (CHUCKLING) 384 00:22:39,735 --> 00:22:43,363 -If only you all knew our secret. -(VISION CHUCKLING) 385 00:22:44,323 --> 00:22:46,867 -Oh! -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 386 00:22:46,950 --> 00:22:48,827 Is that how mirrors work? 387 00:22:48,911 --> 00:22:50,162 Shut up, Bev. 388 00:22:51,663 --> 00:22:55,709 And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our grand finale. 389 00:22:56,460 --> 00:23:00,839 I bring you, The Magnet of Crysteries! 390 00:23:00,923 --> 00:23:02,299 The Cabinet of Mysteries! 391 00:23:02,382 --> 00:23:04,718 VISION: Yeah, yeah. What she said. 392 00:23:06,303 --> 00:23:08,430 I will now make my wife... 393 00:23:10,265 --> 00:23:11,475 ...disappear. 394 00:23:13,602 --> 00:23:18,482 Are you sure you don't want an audience volunteer named "My husband Ralph?" 395 00:23:18,565 --> 00:23:20,275 -(CHUCKLES) -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 396 00:23:20,359 --> 00:23:22,486 (LAUGHING) 397 00:23:24,029 --> 00:23:25,989 No. Abracadabra! 398 00:23:28,742 --> 00:23:31,328 -Uh, sweetheart? -Yeah? 399 00:23:32,412 --> 00:23:34,164 -Hi. -Oh. 400 00:23:36,708 --> 00:23:38,085 What's in the box? 401 00:23:38,168 --> 00:23:41,755 What's in the box? What's in the box? What's in the box? 402 00:23:41,839 --> 00:23:43,674 Yeah, what's in the box? 403 00:23:43,757 --> 00:23:45,926 What's in the box? What's in the box? 404 00:23:46,009 --> 00:23:49,137 What's in the box? What's in the box? 405 00:23:51,306 --> 00:23:53,141 (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING) 406 00:23:54,601 --> 00:23:55,853 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 407 00:23:55,936 --> 00:23:56,979 Oh! 408 00:23:57,980 --> 00:23:59,189 Oh, yes! 409 00:23:59,273 --> 00:24:00,357 Flourish. 410 00:24:07,698 --> 00:24:09,199 Let's get outta here. 411 00:24:10,033 --> 00:24:11,743 Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. 412 00:24:11,827 --> 00:24:13,579 -I'm so stupid. -Vis? Vis, it's all right. 413 00:24:13,662 --> 00:24:15,372 It's all right. It's all right. It's all right. 414 00:24:15,455 --> 00:24:16,790 But what is going on with you? 415 00:24:16,874 --> 00:24:20,919 I have no idea. I've been feeling weirdy all day. 416 00:24:21,003 --> 00:24:22,671 Okay. Okay. Okay. 417 00:24:23,422 --> 00:24:25,841 -(GRUNTS) -Oh! 418 00:24:27,259 --> 00:24:28,343 (VISION GRUNTING) 419 00:24:34,975 --> 00:24:37,394 Would you look at that? 420 00:24:37,477 --> 00:24:39,646 That really gummed up my works, didn't it? 421 00:24:39,730 --> 00:24:41,356 -WANDA: Hmm. -(CHUCKLING) 422 00:24:43,025 --> 00:24:45,527 I'm not as funny without it, am I? 423 00:24:45,611 --> 00:24:48,280 Well, you're back to yourself and that's all I care about. 424 00:24:48,363 --> 00:24:50,407 Now, let's get out of here before Dottie 425 00:24:50,490 --> 00:24:53,952 and the planning committee string us up for ruining the show. 426 00:25:02,294 --> 00:25:04,922 You two, stop right there. 427 00:25:07,549 --> 00:25:08,717 (SIGHS) 428 00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:12,095 Nothing like what you two just did up here 429 00:25:12,179 --> 00:25:15,891 has ever happened in the history of our talent show. 430 00:25:17,017 --> 00:25:20,479 Dottie, we are so... 431 00:25:20,562 --> 00:25:21,688 Hilarious. 432 00:25:24,691 --> 00:25:28,111 That was the most hilarious act we've ever seen. 433 00:25:28,195 --> 00:25:29,446 Wouldn't you all agree? 434 00:25:30,197 --> 00:25:31,365 Yeah. 435 00:25:33,534 --> 00:25:35,327 Oh, yes. 436 00:25:35,994 --> 00:25:37,788 You two, come on up. Come on. 437 00:25:40,415 --> 00:25:43,168 On behalf of the planning committee, 438 00:25:43,252 --> 00:25:44,461 I would like to award you 439 00:25:44,545 --> 00:25:48,549 with the inaugural Comedy Performance of the Year. 440 00:25:48,632 --> 00:25:50,050 Oh, thank you. 441 00:25:55,556 --> 00:25:56,849 (CHUCKLING) 442 00:26:06,066 --> 00:26:07,609 -I have to ask. -VISION: Hmm. 443 00:26:07,693 --> 00:26:12,030 One second, I'm backstage and in the next, I'm in a dark cubby hole. 444 00:26:12,114 --> 00:26:13,407 How'd you do it? 445 00:26:13,490 --> 00:26:15,534 Oh, a magician never reveals his secrets. 446 00:26:15,617 --> 00:26:17,327 He leaves that to his assistant. 447 00:26:17,411 --> 00:26:18,996 And she's not talking. 448 00:26:20,247 --> 00:26:23,166 -I had a feeling you'd say that. -(WANDA AND GERALDINE CHUCKLING) 449 00:26:27,171 --> 00:26:28,255 "For the children!" 450 00:26:28,338 --> 00:26:30,549 AUDIENCE: "For the children!" 451 00:26:36,763 --> 00:26:38,932 You were tremendous, Glamour. 452 00:26:39,016 --> 00:26:41,643 As were you, Illusion. (CHUCKLES) 453 00:26:43,395 --> 00:26:44,479 (SIGHS IN RELIEF) 454 00:26:44,563 --> 00:26:46,899 I don't know what I was so worried about. 455 00:26:46,982 --> 00:26:50,402 It wasn't so hard to fit in after all. 456 00:26:50,485 --> 00:26:53,405 And all we had to do was be ourselves. 457 00:26:53,488 --> 00:26:55,866 Well, with a few modifications. 458 00:26:56,491 --> 00:26:59,703 -And it was all for the children. -For the children. 459 00:27:00,537 --> 00:27:02,998 Well, I think the children might need some popcorn. 460 00:27:04,374 --> 00:27:05,459 Wanda. 461 00:27:05,542 --> 00:27:06,710 Hmm, what? 462 00:27:08,795 --> 00:27:09,880 (GASPS) 463 00:27:11,423 --> 00:27:14,801 Vision... Is this really happening? 464 00:27:17,930 --> 00:27:19,473 Yes, my love. 465 00:27:19,556 --> 00:27:21,266 It's really happening. 466 00:27:21,350 --> 00:27:22,643 (THUDDING) 467 00:27:23,602 --> 00:27:28,732 If it's that damn tree again, I am going to rip it out by the roots! 468 00:27:36,073 --> 00:27:37,699 I don't see anything. 469 00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:51,129 What is that? 470 00:27:58,637 --> 00:28:00,222 Wanda. 471 00:28:05,894 --> 00:28:07,354 (BEES BUZZING) 472 00:28:14,945 --> 00:28:16,196 No. 473 00:28:25,205 --> 00:28:29,710 Vision... Is this really happening? 474 00:28:31,420 --> 00:28:32,880 Yes, my love. 475 00:28:34,381 --> 00:28:36,008 It's really happening. 476 00:28:49,271 --> 00:28:50,272 Vision... 477 00:29:11,835 --> 00:29:13,003 (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) 478 00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:26,892 MAN: (THROUGH RADIO) Wanda? Who's doing this to you, Wanda? 479 00:29:27,601 --> 00:29:28,644 Wanda? 34495

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