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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,720 --> 00:00:05,280 Abbé! Abbé! 2 00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:06,794 Abbé! 3 00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:09,069 Abbé! 4 00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:18,000 (Electric whirring) 5 00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:20,594 — I don't want this, Freddie. — It's a gift. 6 00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:23,638 Bribe me any way you like, I'm not house—sitting. 7 00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:26,678 Put it on your neck, it gives you Shiatsu massage. 8 00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:29,070 Look. You put it here. See? 9 00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:32,835 Oh, that's... Oh, I can feel that. 10 00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:35,036 And that goes right down... 11 00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:37,680 (Cracking) 12 00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:40,115 I think I may have got a nerve there. 13 00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:41,838 Oh, so that's what it's for. 14 00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:44,070 I can't feel my thighs. 15 00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:52,516 If you do change your mind... 16 00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:54,910 I won't. Bye, bye! 17 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:02,398 Corkscrew. Corkscrew. Manny! 18 00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:03,993 Manny! 19 00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:07,151 (Rustling) 20 00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:15,920 — (Squeaki ki — Ah! "9 21 00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:18,480 Manny, Manny, Manny... 22 00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:21,279 — Will you stop shouting at me? — Sorry. 23 00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:24,830 Your hair looks amazing. Where's the corkscrew? 24 00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:29,630 I don't know where anything is. It's like Dresden back there. 25 00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:31,791 — It isn't that bad. - tis. 26 00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:34,315 For one thing, didn't you have a cat? 27 00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:36,198 Oh, yeah. Where'd he go? 28 00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:38,430 — I found him. — Nipsy! Brilliant. 29 00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:40,431 No. You don't want to see him. 30 00:02:41,840 --> 00:02:44,150 — Ooh, ow, ow! — What's up with you? 31 00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:47,039 I get terrible cramp when I'm stressed. 32 00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:48,758 Why are you stressed? 33 00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:52,151 I open the fridge, there's shin bandages next to the cheese. 34 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:54,914 — That's just a little... — There's jam in the bath. 35 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:58,311 — Oh, come on! — You're a filth wizard. 36 00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:01,279 Friend only to the pig and the rat. 37 00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:03,636 Ugh. Look. 38 00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:07,998 Pizza. I was gonna warm and eat it later. Everybody does that. 39 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:11,630 That's normal. You want things to complain about. 40 00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:13,677 And what are these? 41 00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:15,880 Wasps. 42 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:22,829 Everything's covered in filth. Look. 43 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:28,395 The whole place is a complete mess. You can't find anything. 44 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:32,838 Right now, I'm eating scrambled egg with a comb, from a shoe! 45 00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:38,356 I really must insist you send someone immediately. 46 00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:40,113 All right, later today. 47 00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:42,396 Tomorrow, then. But first thing. 48 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:45,472 All right, after lunch. But just after lunch. 49 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:47,517 Six o'clock. Perfect. 50 00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:19,073 # lalalalala # 51 00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:21,720 You are wearing a dress. 52 00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:24,838 What do you...what do you think? 53 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:26,752 — Occasion? — I've got a date. 54 00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:29,673 Ben. Divorcé, very good-looking. 55 00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:31,876 Nice arse. 56 00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:35,954 — A first for me. — You've never had a nice one? 57 00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:39,635 No. And I know they exist cos I've seen them on the telly. 58 00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:41,677 You? Had one? 59 00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:45,351 It was when I went with Janine 60 00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:48,558 and I don't know if it was nice, but it was...huge. 61 00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:51,393 So there was this tremendous sense of value. 62 00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:55,758 Well, to be honest, if he had three arses I wouldn't care. 63 00:04:55,840 --> 00:04:58,229 I've read this sentence 25 times. 64 00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:01,153 This guy's special, he's not like the others. 65 00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:02,753 He's not another Curt. 66 00:05:02,840 --> 00:05:04,877 The violinist? He seemed all right. 67 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:08,157 No, he was very gum—diseasey. 68 00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:10,880 Or Raymond. Do you remember Raymond? 69 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:13,679 What was his thing? Didn't he live with his mother? 70 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:15,512 Yeah. 71 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:17,511 In a car. 72 00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:20,877 — Tactics? — I'm gonna be really good. 73 00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:23,315 I'm not gonna say anything stupid. 74 00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:28,076 I'm not gonna be nervous. Just nice and responsive and caring. 75 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:30,595 On no account must he see the real you. 76 00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:33,069 No, no. 77 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:35,595 — Fran. — Yeah? 78 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:38,399 It's a very nice dress. 79 00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:40,596 (Exuberant forced laughter) 80 00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:43,635 What's that? 81 00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:46,678 It's my new laugh with a turn? 82 00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:50,236 The turn's all right. Lose the laugh. 83 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:54,713 (Door closes) 84 00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:59,794 — Dirty. — Ah! 85 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:02,838 — Who are you? — Who am I? 86 00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:04,957 I'll tell you who I am. 87 00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:07,270 I'm the cleaner. 88 00:06:10,360 --> 00:06:15,309 Second degree unspecified soiling, zones B through K. 89 00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:19,997 North ceiling corner. 90 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:24,392 Cobweb containing a number of deceased arachnids... 91 00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:25,879 with beans. 92 00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:30,958 Why did you call this man into my house? 93 00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:34,510 I love toffee. Don't know why I don't eat toffee all the time. 94 00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:36,398 Ow! My tooth! 95 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:38,471 — Ow! — I'm asking you a question! 96 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:42,235 — Why did you get this freak? — I had to. You made me. 97 00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:46,359 Well, I don't trust him. He has no nasal hair! 98 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:50,070 Anyway, why do we need him? The place isn't that bad. 99 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:58,839 This is going to take some time. 100 00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:01,992 Everything's very...dirty. 101 00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:07,109 You have grime under the taps, that's very nasty. 102 00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:11,512 The state of the bathroom is...shameful. 103 00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:13,830 And the dust... Oh, the dust. 104 00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:15,991 The place isn't that dusty! 105 00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:25,797 The worst thing is the cups. 106 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:31,034 Yes. You have very, very dusty... 107 00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:32,474 cups. 108 00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:35,598 I want to clean your dusty cups from the inside out. 109 00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:38,320 OK, I'm just gonna go and sit over here. 110 00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:41,233 Anything else about cleaning, you can ask Manny. 111 00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:44,676 Very well. Do you have anywhere to stay? 112 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:48,355 So that I can get to...work? 113 00:07:48,440 --> 00:07:50,078 We have to leave the house? 114 00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:52,879 Oh, this is a big job. You can stay if you want to. 115 00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:54,951 Some people prefer to leave. 116 00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:56,951 Freddie asked us to house—sit. 117 00:07:57,040 --> 00:08:00,112 We're not going anywhere! We're not house—sitting. 118 00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:02,077 What are you doing? 119 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:04,834 Some ash fell, I'm just wiping it into my trousers. 120 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:07,309 Filthy... 121 00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:09,710 Whatever am I going to do with you? 122 00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:15,040 It's terribly sweet of both of you. 123 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:17,714 It's marvellous you can look after the place. 124 00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:20,155 Pleasure. 125 00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:21,913 (Shattering) 126 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:25,639 — Sorry. — Sorry. 127 00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:27,313 Sorry. 128 00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:30,313 We may have been drinking before. 129 00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:32,232 No, no, I'm sorry. 130 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:35,039 It was clearly a very silly place to put it. 131 00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:37,714 We have another one, although... 132 00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:40,599 I would ask you to be careful of that 133 00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:43,911 because it is the only one left in the world...now. 134 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:45,911 Erm, heating. 135 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:50,039 Ah, I see you're an aficionado of, er...paintings. 136 00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:51,440 Oh, yes, yes. 137 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:55,998 (Manny) It's a cow. 138 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:57,718 Mm. Yes. 139 00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:00,189 - You like art? — Oh, yes. 140 00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:04,035 Especially late...art. 141 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:08,273 Yes. I mean, the way he's captured the...look, 142 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:12,354 the cow's looking over there, we can't see what the cow's seeing. 143 00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:16,752 Maybe the art is saying cows know something we don't. 144 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:20,959 Yes. It's French, apparently, from the Dutch school. 145 00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:24,874 — Yes. Brown. — I don't know what his name is. 146 00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:29,238 The timer, the thermostat, the thingy, control. 147 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:31,755 — It's in the cellar. Follow me. - OK. 148 00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:33,751 Manny, I have to go and wee—wee. 149 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,751 Now, this is very important. 150 00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:42,876 ..poured it all over the canapé. 151 00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:45,110 (Exuberant forced laughter) 152 00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:49,433 — That's an unusual laugh. — Is it? Sorry. 153 00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:54,672 What's wrong with your wine? 154 00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:56,751 Nothing. I just drink slowly. 155 00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:59,070 I get undressed slowly. 156 00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:05,592 — I think I can manage that. — (Laughing) 157 00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:07,751 That's on, that's off. 158 00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:11,799 No, no. That's on, that's off. 159 00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:17,713 Oh, and, ah...please feel free to enjoy the wine 160 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:19,757 but this is very important. 161 00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:21,990 Anything here is fine, 162 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:25,038 you can drink as many bottles as you want. 163 00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:30,991 But these ten here, now, please, don't touch them. 164 00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:32,434 Don't even move them. 165 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:34,557 — These are very special. — Right. 166 00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:38,349 I'm presenting one to the Pope at the end of the month. 167 00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:40,511 Really? Wow. What for? 168 00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:43,353 Oh, I have a cousin who's a Cardinal, Roy. 169 00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:46,319 And these trumped up charges, 170 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:50,951 some nonsense about him punching Sophia Loren in a nightclub. 171 00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:54,635 And the Pope, who really is a lovely, lovely man, 172 00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:57,792 he made the whole thing...go away. 173 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:02,431 There are some books on wine upstairs as well. 174 00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:05,717 Sometimes it's jolly to know what one's drinking. 175 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:08,235 Ah, Bernard, Manny will fill you in. 176 00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:10,596 I must just say goodbye to the dogs. 177 00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:13,354 — Right, what's the thing? — Very simple. 178 00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:16,751 — Very simple, very simple. — OK, so what is it? What? 179 00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:20,151 We can only drink these ten bottles here. 180 00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:22,311 — Just these? — Yeah. These... 181 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,869 completely out of bounds — can't touch. 182 00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:28,078 — Just these ones, then? — These, just these ones. 183 00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:32,358 OK. Thank God you were here, I'd have said the other way around. 184 00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:38,550 (Slurring) Old wine is good wine. 185 00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:42,155 (Slurring) Yes. But... 186 00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:45,949 expensive wine is good wine also. 187 00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:51,194 Yes. But the older the wine is, the gooder it is. 188 00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:54,517 Ah. But by the same token, 189 00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:59,515 the more expensive the wine, then the gooder it is also. 190 00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:02,991 — Look at the colours. - Yeah. 191 00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:06,914 AlL..all the colours. Well, yellow. 192 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:10,994 This is like... a farmyard of...of wine. 193 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:15,637 It's like looking into the eye of a duck. 194 00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:21,437 And sucking all the fluid from its beak. 195 00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:26,196 ..touché. And because you win, you get to go to the cellar. 196 00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,112 Hey! 197 00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:31,871 Music's a bit boring, isn't it? 198 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:34,349 I wonder if they'd let me put my tape on? 199 00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:36,192 All my favourite songs on here. 200 00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:38,794 I'm a giant ear... 201 00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:42,236 waiting for your songs of niceness. 202 00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:11,638 Will you just look at these...breasts? 203 00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:16,112 Wait until you hear this. 204 00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:18,510 (# Swing trumpet intro) 205 00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:24,558 (Humming) 206 00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:26,677 Ah! Wine! Ah ha ha! 207 00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:29,872 No, no, no! 208 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:32,520 Drink me! Drink me! Drink me! 209 00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:36,116 Boys, boys, boys. You! 210 00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:40,240 “Le Vin du Rosier.” 211 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,755 That'll do. 212 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:44,672 Got one! 213 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:50,316 Aha, more fuel. Hand over, thank you. 214 00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:55,112 Mind your leg... 215 00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:56,759 (Drill whirring) 216 00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:58,194 (Pop!) 217 00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:40,873 (Laughing) 218 00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:43,349 It was a crazy, crazy time for me. 219 00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:45,477 A short spell in the navy. 220 00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:48,837 Ooh. Climb aboard, Cap...Captain. 221 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:51,673 And now I'm in antiques. Unbelievable. 222 00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:54,593 Wow. Quite the renaissance man. 223 00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:56,956 About then my divorce came through 224 00:14:57,040 --> 00:15:00,237 and I've never been able to settle on one woman since. 225 00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:03,312 It's like I'm... Oh, I don't know, cruising. 226 00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:05,550 Oh, oh! 227 00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:10,635 # ..and California and I've sipped champagne from a shoe # 228 00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:16,029 (Humming) 229 00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:21,909 (Machine whirrs) 230 00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:23,911 (Chuckling) 231 00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:28,792 Look. Bernard. 232 00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:31,793 Bernard. Look. Bernard. 233 00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:34,235 Bernard. Look. 234 00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:37,870 Bernard. Bernard. Bernard. 235 00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:41,919 Bernard. Bernard. Look, Bernard. 236 00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:45,038 Bernard. Bernard! Bernard, look. 237 00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:49,990 Bernard. Bernard. Bernard. Bernard, look. 238 00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:52,356 Look. Look, Bernard. 239 00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:55,159 Bernard. Bernard, look. 240 00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:58,278 Look. Bernard. Bernard. 241 00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:00,994 — Bernard! — What?! 242 00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:04,232 Look. I'm a prostitute robot from the future. 243 00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:10,553 Yes. Listen to the rubbish in this book. 244 00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:14,514 "Don't drink burgundy in a boat.” 245 00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:17,558 What does that mean? Wine is just for enjoyment. 246 00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:20,154 You speak the truth, my friend. Look at this. 247 00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:24,598 I looked this up. It says it's worth £7,000! 248 00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:27,354 Nonsense. That's the normal, everyday... 249 00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:30,831 normal everyday drinking wine Freddie gave us, 250 00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:34,072 not the really expensive out—of—bounds stuff. 251 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:38,552 That's from the cheap and dusty wine on the...on the right. 252 00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:41,951 Not the clean, expensive wine on the left. 253 00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:48,679 Not the, not the... that's the cheap and dusty. 254 00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:51,434 Not the clean, expensive... 255 00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:56,071 Now that I think of it, there's stickers from Londis on them. 256 00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:59,551 There isn't any chance, is there, that you somehow 257 00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:02,473 managed to direct us to drink not the cheap wine 258 00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:05,359 but the unbelievably rare and expensive wine? 259 00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:08,353 (Inhaling deeply) 260 00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:10,431 How much did you say the wine cost?! 261 00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:13,478 Seven...thousand pounds. 262 00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:16,154 Well, I've got £3.50 on me. What have you got? 263 00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:18,959 Don't panic. Is that what you're doing? 264 00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:21,156 Yes. I'm sort of dancing in a panicky way. 265 00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:24,790 Well, stop. We'll think about this and figure a way out. 266 00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:26,917 Here's a thought. 267 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:30,038 Don't say no immediately cos it could sound crazy. 268 00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:33,431 Could we...burn down the house? 269 00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:36,194 No, that's absurd. Think, Bernard, think! 270 00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:43,320 — What about a gift? — Oh! A gift. 271 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:45,914 — But it'd have to be perfect. — Yes. 272 00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:47,991 A really nice box of pencils? 273 00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:49,400 — No. — I mean... 274 00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:51,073 a REALLY nice box. 275 00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:55,233 No. If you're gonna give the guy pencils for drinking his wine, 276 00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:57,834 you're talking about, you know, magic pencils. 277 00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:00,150 You draw a cow, the cow comes to life! 278 00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:01,799 Yeah. Sorry, yeah. 279 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,996 We'll make some more! 280 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:06,390 We'll use the cheap stuff, nobody'll know. 281 00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:09,518 But this cost £7,000. He's presenting this to the Pope! 282 00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:12,877 — He won't know. — He's used to the finer things. 283 00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:16,794 It's all waffle! Nobody will admit wine doesn't have a taste. 284 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:18,712 But you can't taste anything. 285 00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:21,474 You smoke eight bajillion cigarettes a day! 286 00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:23,198 — What's that? — What? 287 00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:25,840 — What are you eating? — A delicious biscuit. 288 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:28,150 It's a coaster. 289 00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:31,356 Is it? Are there more? Anyway... 290 00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:34,876 — Do they describe the wine? — Yes, I think so. 291 00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,553 — Ow! Ohhh! — What? 292 00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:39,314 Cramp. I'm very stressed, very stressed. 293 00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:40,799 Use the Shiatsu machine. 294 00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:42,234 (Whirring) 295 00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:44,038 Oh, yeah... 296 00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:45,554 Ah! Oh! Ow! 297 00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:48,473 Oh! Ow! Oh! 298 00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:50,471 Ah! Oh! 299 00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:54,235 So, Ben. Who's the real Ben, Ben? 300 00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:57,517 What can I tell you? Didn't have a good time at school. 301 00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:00,160 — Didn't feel comfortable? — Mmm. 302 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:01,913 — So I sort of... — Retreated? 303 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:04,879 — Into a private fantasy world? - Yeah. 304 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,871 — I always... — Got on well with women? 305 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,951 — And... — They helped you feel normal. 306 00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:10,678 — But... — Something was wrong. 307 00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:14,435 Something that occasionally stops you sleeping. 308 00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:16,989 How could you possibly know all this? 309 00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:19,640 Just a hunch. 310 00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:21,757 Tell me, Ben. 311 00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:27,714 How many times a day do you talk to your mother? 312 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:29,518 Eh? God, I don't know. 313 00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:32,797 I mean, the normal amount — four, five times a day? 314 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:36,879 Yes. 315 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:40,749 Ben, I've got something to tell you. 316 00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:44,151 And it might come as a bit of a shock, but you are... 317 00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:47,278 No. Question. 318 00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:50,000 What do the following people have in common? 319 00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:53,516 Elton John, lan McKellan, Jean—Paul Gaultier. 320 00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:56,951 Well, they're all fabulous. 321 00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:03,238 What are you doing? 322 00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:06,199 I'm chewing the cork to get it back in the bottle. 323 00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:08,112 — Ow! Oh! — What? 324 00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:10,760 My tooth! It's come loose. It hurts! 325 00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:13,480 A trace of vanilla. Do we have any vanilla? 326 00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:15,278 — lce cream? — Yes! Yes! 327 00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:17,715 (Garbled) I'lL check the freezer. 328 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,518 (Thunder cracks) 329 00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:23,880 (Gibbering) 330 00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:27,316 They'd all laugh at me if they knew what I was trying to do. 331 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:31,951 To create a new superwine with a fraction of nature's resources 332 00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:34,270 and a FOOL for an assistant. 333 00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:37,671 "Bernard Black, he's mad!” they'd say. "He's dangerous.” 334 00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:39,990 I'll show them! I'll show them all! 335 00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,276 (Garbled) I have returned! 336 00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:46,069 — Nutmeg! We need nutmeg! — Nutmeg! 337 00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:48,674 It's my destiny! My legacy to the world! 338 00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:51,878 Anything else? With the limp, I'm getting tired. 339 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:54,349 — Just get the nutmeg! — Nutmeg! 340 00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:57,717 — Oh, it's just here. — Ah. 341 00:20:57,800 --> 00:21:00,110 "An oaky finish.” Oak! Oak! 342 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:02,396 To the front garden! 343 00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:04,312 (Thunder cracks) 344 00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:10,193 (Church bells toll) 345 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:14,998 What is this? 346 00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:18,311 This isn't oak! Why did you get so much? 347 00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:20,357 (Bernard screaming) 348 00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:25,639 (Bernard screaming, Manny moaning) 349 00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:29,031 Manny, get back in! Get back in! 350 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:48,279 Here it is! Yes! 351 00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:05,760 Now, dust, dust. 352 00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:09,037 He'll never know. He'll never know! 353 00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:13,079 It's all so clear. I've been fighting this all my life. 354 00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:16,755 Why am I fighting it? Thank you, Fran. 355 00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:19,514 You've saved my life, you have saved my life! 356 00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:22,672 (Muffled) I'm really... very, very happy for you. 357 00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:26,355 Happy. I'm happy. Really. I'm so happy. 358 00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:35,953 # Jam—jam—jam, jam—jam—jam # 359 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:40,555 (Humming) 360 00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:44,198 Bleugh. 361 00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:51,553 Sorry. Oh, hello. 362 00:22:51,640 --> 00:22:55,520 That is a very, very nice dress. Paper? 363 00:22:57,560 --> 00:22:59,517 — Another date? — Yep. 364 00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:02,114 This time I might be onto something. 365 00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:04,396 He's a very interesting young man. 366 00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:07,871 — You know him, actually. — Really? Who? 367 00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:14,359 (Fran) Bye, Bernard. 368 00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:17,751 — Dirty. — Oh, you flirt. 369 00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:18,989 Dirty! 370 00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:21,390 (Door shuts) 371 00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:29,957 — Oh, my God. — What? 372 00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:33,670 — Oh, my God! — What? What? 373 00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:39,395 It's the 19th. It's my birthday! 27319