All language subtitles for Another.Yeti.a.Love.Story.Life.on.the.Streets.2017.1080p.WEB

Oh, there you are.

Baby, I was wonderin'
where you was.

Oh, what's the matter?

Tell pimp Billy faunz
everything.

Where were you?
Come on.

You gotta tell me.
Come on.

- Where were you?

You best be tellin' me,

because I hate
wasting courvoisier

almost as much
as I hate when bitches

ain't give me my money.

You usin' my money
to shoot up and get high?

You better not, because I didn't
give you permission to get high.

I own that ass.

And I hope that
ass is hungry, baby,

'cause I'm gonna feed it
my dick.

Oh, my god.

Okay, Ronaldo,

just hold tight.

This will only take
about a few more hours.

I cannot wait to see
what my penis looks like

- through your eye.
- Well,

every time i draw one of these,

I see something
new and beautiful.

It is the only thing
that keeps me going.

That and obviously

the love for my child.

Hold on one sec.
Alister.

Alister,

can we deal with that?

I am so sorry.
Daddy duty calls.

Oh, please, don't apologize.
I understand.

You draw when you can,

and you father when you have to.

Thank you so much
for understanding.

Alister is a lucky guy.

But if you ever
feel like jumping ship

and going for a ride

on the u.S.S. Ronaldo
fuck ship,

the ship that is my cock,

if you ever want to get away
and have sex time

in a maritime location...

Any of this making sense?

You're cute,
you're cute, very cute.

No, it doesn't make sense.

Never help me.

Well, I suspect
you know the way out.

It is the same
as where you came in from.

The door.
Remember the door?

Remember when you came in?

Oh, yes, the door.
Yeah, sorry.

- All right, see ya.
- 'Kay.

No, that's not
how we use a door.

- Oh, look.
- That is not...

It's like a
broken windshield wiper.

That is a... okay.

You are bad at using doors.

- Thank you so much.
- How'd I get here again?

I don't know, I'm not a spy,

but I assume you took the train.

Oh, you want your own train?

- Okay.
- Okay, bye.

Alister.

Alister.

Alister, are you okay?

Alister, alister.

What... what... what...
What happened?

- Eddie's crying.
- Oh, oh, I know.

I was on my way to him
and I must have dozed off.

Yeah, because you have,
like, narcolepsy,

and you need to see a doctor,

because you're always
falling asleep.

Oh, Adam, it's not narcolepsy.
It's comfort.

Ever since that tragic
accident severed my spine,

I haven't been able
to use my legs.

Yeah, i know all of this.

I thought i would want to die.

And then I realized
just how comfortable it is.

It's like
I'm floating on clouds.

- It's just... sometimes I fall asleep.
- Yeah, I get it.

We all fall asleep.
Everything falls asleep, okay.

The problem is you fall asleep

when you're not supposed to fall
asleep, like in the daytime.

Alister, are you kidding me?

Okay, are you falling asleep
like this when I'm at work

and you're supposed to be
watching the baby?

No, I would never.

Except all the times that I do.

Come here, you.
Come here, you.

Come here, you.

Somebody woke up
on the wrong side

of the playpen thingy,
didn't they?

Come here.
Come here.

Are you hungry?
Are you hungry?

Okay, you want some fairy milk?

Yeah.

Slow down, Mr. diarrhea.

You're gonna have a stummy ache

if you keep drinkin' like that.

I think he wants you to tell
him his favorite story.

The one about
how I came to Los Angeles

alone and pregnant?

- He loves it.
- Right, well,

it all started a few years ago.

Hold on.

Tell it with the pictures.

Want the pictures?
All right.

All right,
you look at the pictures.

Okay, it all started
a few years ago

in quatsack, New Hampshire.

It was just going to be a
camping trip with some friends,

but then we were attacked
by a horrible cult

- that was sacrificing...

young frat men to a yeti.

- That was your other daddy, Eddie.
- That's right.

You see the yeti,

he was controlled by the cult
via magical spell.

He don't wanna do bad things.

He don't wanna hurt anyone,
he just wanted to be loved.

And, uh,
that's where I came in...

Hey, language.

Into the picture, alister.

- All right.
- I fell

madly in love with your
father right away.

Before I met him,
i was just an abusive,

homophobic asshole.

And your father, he, uh,

showed me my true self.

He showed me how to love.

This is, uh...

This is the hardest
part of the story, buddy.

Your father was shot...

Shot through the heart

by a fearless yeti hunter.

And, uh, even though

our relationship, it was short,

it was very physical,

and it was very passionate,

and I ended up like a lot
a girls... i was pregnant.

I was pregnant with you.

And you look just like...

- You look just like him.
- And then what happened?

Well, everyone else
was brutally murdered,

so your uncle dick and I,

we ended up moving out to Los
Angeles to start a new life,

and a local dumb cripple,

he helped up find an apartment,

and through him we met alister.

And uncle dick lives next door.

Oh, my god.

What's wrong?

It's not working.
You're terrible at this.

I've never had any
complaints before you.

I've never had a problem
finishing before you.

My last girlfriend
would do this...

Oh, well, I'm sorry I can't
just stick a machete

into my ho-ha
and yell,

"I'm your murdered
ex-girlfriend Debra!"

Can't or won't?

Why are we always fighting?

I don't know.

It's not you.
It's me.

Hey, don't be
so hard on yourself.

You're right, it is you.

-Hey. -No, sorry, you're right.

Uh, you, you were right
the first time,

not the second time.
It's me.

You know how I was betrayed.

What if I never
fully love again?

Are you saying
you don't fully love me now?

Your words, not mine.

- Where are you going?
- I'm gonna take a walk.

So we're not gonna
talk about this.

You're just gonna run off.

I said walk.
I'm not gonna run.

Do you know how crazy that is?

- I'd be exhausted.
- You and your secrets.

What if I were to tell you

that there are things about me
that you don't know?

That's ridiculous.

You're a girl.

Girls don't have secrets.

Anyway, this is all...

About me right now.

Catch you on the flop side.

- It's flip side.
- Whatever.

Dick.

- Alister, watch his head.
- All right.

- Hey.
- Uncle dick.

- Hi, Eddie.

- What's up, guys?
- Uh, the, uh,

boys were just
walkin' me to work.

- You wanna join?
- Yeah, yeah.

I came over here to talk anyway.

Is everything okay?

No, dude, no.

Uh-oh.
Sounds guh-nar.

I just don't get it.

Amanda's pretty,
she's beautiful.

She's pretty.

Probably some other stuff too,

but something's just missing.

Is this about your evil dead
ex-girlfriend Debra?

I think about her all the time.

Like dying on the leaves
in front of me.

Machete inside of her,

the light leaving her eyes.

Ooh, what do we have here?

I'm gonna kidnap that yeti baby.

Do you know what it's like

to constantly be thinking about

the person you lost

- but love more?
- Of course I do.

It's kinda messed up,
but I haven't even

- had an orgasm in years.
- What?

That's fucking bonkers.

I barely can stop coming.

I just jizzed my pants,
like right now.

I've just never found
another woman

who can compare, i guess.

I am sure there is another
girl out there somewhere.

Like where?

Oh, my god.

- I gotta go.
- Wait, what?

We're literally
mid-conversation.

Can you believe this?

Alister.
Alister!

What? Are we there?

- Oh, I'm sorry. I must of...
- Dozed off.

- Yeah, you did.
- Yeah, well,

color my Floyd pink,
because I am comfortably numb.

Shut up.

Can i... can I see
the doctor now, please?

For the last time, this ain't an
urgent care facility no more.

Okay, I'll... I'll wait.

If you're gonna bleed,
at least bleed

in room three, the blood room.

Excuse me,

- I'm looking for girl...
- Fuck,

if you're another
uptight midwestern father

whose little baby daughter
moved to the big city

with big dreams

but no money in her pocket,

then, yeah, she's probably here.

And she's probably
up on that sweet pole,

shakin' her sweet, sweet sliz

for some sweet,
sweet, sweet siz.

What?

"Siz" is my own
personal slang for cash.

Oh, um, all right, that's dumb,

- but...
- And "sliz" means "pussy."

But "pussy" means...

Nah.

Look, I don't have a daughter.

- I'm so sorry for your loss.
- No, no, no, no.

There's just...
There's a girl who like,

she came in here
like a minute ago...

Oh, a girl who walked in
here like a minute ago.

That's angel snowflake.
She's in the Jack-off booths.

That's where girls
show off their...

Look, uh, thanks for the info.

Least I can do after what
happened to your daughter.

I don't have a daughter.

You've moved on.
I'm so proud of you.

What? Nah.

Alister, I need to know
that you can take care of Eddie

- while I'm at work.
- Adam, you worry too much.

- I do it all the time.
- I know,

- but he's all I have.
- We're all you have.

I know what I said.
Do not forget to feed him.

- I know.
- And his wipes are?

In the cabinet I can reach.
Adam, relax.

- Nothing bad is gonna happen.
- I know.

I guess this is what
over-protective sounds like.

All those people
on the mommy blogs,

they are so right.

You've suffered so much loss.
It's only natural.

- You don't have to apologize.
- Thank you.

All right, well,
I'm gonna get to work

at that bookstore right there.

- So...
- It looks closed.

Yeah, that's because
i have to open it.

That's my job. I work at a
bookstore that I have to open.

How come we can't visit you?

It's not wheelchair accessible.
I don't know.

Whatever reason you need.

Okay, come here, baby.

Mommy's gotta go to work.
Okay, you be good.

You, do not forget you can't
feed him after midnight.

Just kiddin',
those are gremlins.

You.

Bye, mommy.
Eddie say, "bye, mommy."

Bye, mommy.
Bye, mommy.

Bye, mommy.

- Bye, Eddie.
- Bye, mommy.

Bye, Eddie.

Bye, mommy.

- Bye, Eddie.
- Bye.

Bye, Eddie. Alister, get
the fuck out, bye, Eddie.

All right, asshole,

if you're gonna fuckin'
freebase in the bathroom,

you gotta share.

Here we go.

Here we go.
Here we go.

Still got it.

Hey, homeless John.

- How you doin'?
- Not so good.

I'm homeless.

And you?

Havin' the time
of my fuckin' life, man.

Every day just keeps
gettin' better.

Ah, it if isn't Adam.

The only person that brings joy

in my otherwise dark existence.

I didn't know
you were workin' tonight.

My baby won't feed itself

until it's older
and knows how to use

forks and knives, you idiot.

I respect
the hell out of the fact

that you are so
constantly unkind to me.

Now, you march yourself
up there and earn that baby

some sweet, sweet siz.
"Siz" is what I like to call...

Cash?
Yeah, I know.

Hah!

I...

Can't finish.
I can't finish.

I'm your murdered
ex-girlfriend Debra!

I'm your murdered
ex-girlfriend Debra!

I'm your murdered
ex-girlfriend Debra!

Oh, my god.

Boogity, boogity, boo,
sex piss comin' through.

Sorry, i shoulda
knocked, but I never do.

Anyway, let me clean up
all that slick jizz, bro.

You look familiar.

A lot a Jack-off jockeys
say that about me.

You know why? It's because
I'm always watching.

Always... skeleton key.

Oh, sorry, that's a tiny dildo.

Skeleton key.

This thing gets me
everywhere i wanna go

in this filthy little butthole,
and I love it.

- Okay.
- Hey, you look confused.

Let me show you around
this little slice a paradise.

- So that's the stripper stage.
- It's true.

It's a very tiny little penis.

It's a blessing
and a curse, you know.

Adam?

Uh, I would hate
to have your life.

- Thank you. You really mean that?
- I mean that, I do.

- Thank you so much.
- I would despise myself.

- Dick. -Why are you
dressed like this?

Aren't you supposed
to be at work?

I am at work.

Calling to the stage
little Willy wenis.

This tiny baby dick'll
do whatever you want

because... that's his job.

Excuse me, I've been
a bad whittle boy.

Hey.

Oh.

Nice moves back there.
You really yanked that crank.

- You could see me?
- Of course. Wait.

You think it was a two-way
mirror or something?

- Yeah.
- No.

- Eh.
- No reason to be ashamed.

I see a lot of dumpy weirdos
in my line a work.

It's nice to know I can still
make a cute guy come, too.

Thanks.

I just really wasn't
expecting anyone to see that.

And you were still that gentle.

You can tell a lot about a guy

by the way he jerks it
when no one's watching.

I can tell
that you're a nice person.

That you care about your mother.

And that you're a pisces
from quatsack, New Hampshire.

- Angel snowflake.
- I'm dick.

Nice...
Nice to meet you, angel.

Out of curiosity,

how did you know
i could only get off

if you called yourself
my murdered ex-girlfriend Debra

while lightly tapping your sliz
with a machete?

Oh, my old murdered
ex-girlfriend Debra routine?

I've been doing
that one for years.

But no one's ever liked it.

- Hmm?
- Until you.

Hey, there you are, you ran off.

You don't have to sit here and
talk to the whores, you know.

I'm really sorry.
She's not a whore.

That's a horrible thing to say.

I don't know why I'm like this.

- Come on, let's go.
- Nah, I'm good.

- Let's go.
- I... I'll... I'll see you.

- Come on.
- Ooh...

Sex piss.

I know that look.

That's the look
of a girl in Liz.

"Liz" is my cool
"slanguage" for love.

You're the worst.

Yeah, you're right.

Nobody likes me.

Or should I say us?

This is the vip lounge.

There's some real torrid shit
behind this curtain.

You're gonna like
what you see. Come on.

I'm a "firsty" "widdle" boy.

A lot a great rooms back here.

There's one for fisting.
There's one for fooding.

There's one for two guys dressed
like the president making out.

I don't care.

- Why are you showing me this?
- Because you're my friend.

Get a load of
this feast of crazy.

- Occupied.
- Actually, we just finished.

That's tom, tom,
and their aunt tom.

Tom's a denim daddy.

What is a denim daddy?

It's like a leather daddy,
only on a budget.

Get it, tom.

You were terrible this time.

Now this is where lumpy,

the world's most
forgetful snowman, lives.

Oh, gosh, oh, gosh, oh, golly,
where did I put my shoe?

Look.
I don't care.

I don't like you.
We're not friends.

I hate the things you love.

I don't care.

I don't need to be back here.

I don't give a shit.
I don't care.

- We're not friends.
- Well, you suit yourself.

Gonna miss the best part.

Eddie, did you
leave the door open

and or break the lock?

No, motherfucker, i did.

And tinaynay broke the lock.

Yeah, I hate locks.

What do you want?

I want what's in your lap.

Oh, I'm paralyzed
from the waist down.

It doesn't work anymore.

No, I want what's
on top of that.

You mean the little jacket
my grandmother made for my penis

- to keep it warm in the winter?
- No, you chromo.

That's what he calls
crippled homos.

He's a genius.

I want that "yebi."

And that's what
he calls baby yetis.

God damn he's so smart.

Suck on this, fool.

A sandwich?

Wrong pocket.

Suck on this, fool.

Get the fuck off...
Get it off me!

You fuckin' motherfuckers

messed with the wrong
motherfucker.

I'm gonna make your top half
like your bottom half.

Holy shit! It really is tiny.

I didn't believe a penis
could be so small, but it is.

One more round of heckling for
little Willie wenis, please.

- Get outta here.
- -Boo.

Thank you, guys.
Thank you, baby.

Thank you, guys.

I'll use these for my baby.

- Come on.
- What? No.

- We're outta here. -I've gotta
get the rest a my diapers.

- Ew.
- You're better than this.

No, I'm not.

I guess I always knew

you couldn't make that much
money working in a bookstore,

but guess
i just wanted to believe.

- Does alister know yet?
- I tried to tell him,

but he fell asleep again.

Besides,
i didn't try to tell him.

Guess you think
I'm a horrible person.

- Always have.
- Sorry, I completely zoned out.

I was walk-jizzing again.
What'd you say?

Always have... Thought you
were a horrible person.

I guess that's
why we're friends.

I do not remember putting blood
all over this door.

I don't remember putting blood
around alister.

I definitely don't remember
taking the face

off that stranger.

Eddie?

Eddie?

My baby!

He was only a toddler.

I know.
That's why it's sad.

What happened?

My baby yeti Eddie
has been kidnapped,

and alister might go dead.

I'm so sorry.
My grandfather went dead.

Is there anything i can do?

Yeah, you could un-shoot
someone for once in your life.

Alister.

Oh, my nose.
What happened?

I was in my wheelchair,
and then I fell asleep.

I had the strangest dream.

Shh, shh, shh,
dreams aren't real.

But what is real
is you've been shot.

- Try not to get up so fast.
- Oh, he can't get up.

He's actually
a lazy bones wheelchair boy.

Good, that's probably
for the best.

That bullet almost killed him.

- I don't know how he's alive.
- Oh

saved by my lucky frog tags.

- Do you mean dog tags?
- No, they're frog tags.

You know, in the summer,

when you go down to the creek
to catch frogs.

You give 'em these tags,

and that way when you
come back the next year,

you know which ones
are your friends.

- This one was slipperyess.
- That's not a real thing.

It is too a real thing.
My son loves frogs.

- Who the fuck is this guy?
- You'll have to excuse him.

He's a girl.

I'm sorry.
I didn't realize.

So, if you weren't shot,

why is there blood everywhere?

Oh, I must've urinated.

It's always that color.

Oh, good,
wheelchair guy's alive.

You tell me who did this to you?

Well, officer,

he had brown hair
and brown eyes.

- He could walk.
- We get it.

- You're in a wheelchair.
- We try not to talk about it,

- but we always do.
- I'm in a wheelchair.

Not at the moment.

Anyways, to make
a long story short,

he was almost a comically
pimp-looking fellow.

- Does that help at all?
- No, not at all.

Our job here is done.

I'm gonna classify
this as mystery unsolved.

- Boys, let's go.
- But...

You're not even gonna
help us find my baby?

Sir, I'm a police officer.

I'm not a weird,
baby-finding man.

So have a good night.

Detective Bernie weekend,
late as always.

Officer wahlberg, do you ever get
sick of fucking your mother?

No, I get sick when
i fuck your mother.

Oh, but your mother's
still a good lay?

Yeah, she's real nice.

Good to know.

Cop banter.
Ha ha ha ha!

I'm detective Bernie weekend.

I understand someone close
to you's been abducted.

Yeah, my baby yeti, Eddie.
He's been kidnapped.

Yeah, I betcha these guys
weren't much help, were they?

That's exactly
what they weren't.

Listen, I'm probably
not supposed to say this,

but these guys
aren't gonna help ya,

'cause these guys
are workin' with the enemy.

That pimp
that was in here earlier,

he runs this town,
controls the cops.

You can kinda think of it as a,
you know, cop mafia.

That's a really helpful
way to think about it.

Well, anyway, the cop mafia has
their fingers in a bunch of pies.

- If you know what I mean.
- Gross.

Didn't anybody else
just see him wink at me?

- Shh.
- Shh.

Why is everybody so mean to me
all the time?

What the cop mafia
doesn't finger,

the pimp fingers on his own.

All of it.

Sex, drugs, whatever...

Okay, okay,
this guy has my baby.

- Where do we find this pimp?
- Pimp Billy?

You don't find pimp Billy.
He finds you.

Oh, damn, we were that close.

There may be a non-person
that could help ya.

- Wait, a non-person.
- Like Linda?

The pimp keeps this, uh,
yeti hooker on his payroll.

Yeti hooker. Where would
we find this yeti hooker?

Hangs out usually
down at Lexington and 36th.

Where's that?

Lexington, 36th, intersection.

It's where the down boys go.

Definitely be
dangerous for you...

Cocksucker, you gonna
come join us at the bar,

or you gonna stay here
and jerk off those victims?

Cool off, mark.
I'll be right out...

- Of the closet.
- Of the closet.

Cop repartee.

Listen, I probably shouldn't
have said anything.

Cop mafia might kill me.

- Good luck.
- Wait.

How do we know we can trust you?

Because this isn't
a real mustache.

Oh.

Because I'm all you got.

Oh.

Because another reason.

Oh.

Does anyone have 20 bucks?

I keep losing all of my money.

No, get outta here.

Let's go find my baby.

Okay, okay.

What the hell is their problem?

Oh, you noticed, too.

They're being total assholes.

Hey, Linda.

Fuuuuuuuuuuck youuuuu.

Why do you talk to her
like that?

I don't know.

Here's the plan.

We go down town,
we find this yeti hooker.

Awesome.

You know there's a great topless
place down there called "Manny's."

Perfect. So you know
how to get downtown.

I do. But you're
not gonna like it.

Why am I not gonna like it?

That's not a...
What?

There's no confusion there.

I heard every word they said.

Well, well, well,
isn't that all kinds a special.

Too bads for them.
I already got what I want.

Now, now, now, relax.

This will only hurt
if you're a pussy.

Such a brave little boy.

It'll be over soon.

Behind the trash can,
that is classic majassic.

Now get the fuck off
my phone, I'm busy.

Dr. lust, what's the
status on this situation?

Blood has been drawn.

- DNA mapping takes 12 hours.
- I don't want numbers!

I wanna know if this
can be done tomorrow!

I'm afraid that's not possible.

Oh, I'm sorry, Drake.

Why is that not possible?

Sir, with all due respect,

you know Drake mandrake

would never try to pull
the wool over your eyes.

You and I have been friends
for some 20 years.

Why, I took you in
when your mama Rosemary

abandoned you as a child.

And then later in life,
when I was down on my luck,

you were kind enough to bring
me in to work in your sex lab.

William, I'm a straight shooter,

and what you're askin' us to do

in the time frame
you're askin' us to do it,

is impossible.

While I disagree
with your actions,

I do not question your motives.

I'm truly sorry
for havin' failed you,

but I'd be lying to both you

and to my own self if I was to
say tomorrow was a possibility.

Today is truly my judgment day.

I will give your mama
Rosemary your regards.

Now where are we on gettin' this
situation handled by tomorrow?

Ah, that's completely fine,
tomorrow works.

I don't what he
was talking about.

Good.

Then let's get this
piece a shit cleaned up.

It's kind of ridiculous

havin' those things
next to each other.

Well, maybe you shouldn't
have 'em in every room.

You're just asking for trouble.

And who are you, my mother
Rosemary who abandoned me?

Jeez.

Dr. lust, i believe we
have a game of candyland

-to attend to.

Alpha-male move, dog,
i respect the shit outta ya.

That guy.

See, I told you you'd be okay.

I didn't sign up for
this sorta type of stuff.

I just wanted to dance,

to pay my way through
vcr repair school.

So I could fix my vcr

and watch all those
dance lesson tapes.

Somewhere along the way,
i forgot who I was.

Until I met, him.

It's a security camera photo.

It's the only thing he left
for me to remember him by.

Not the only thing.

Ah, sex piss.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Yo, yo, yo.

If it ain't our favorite treesy.

I was wonderin'
when you'd come around.

Oh, you eyein' some
steeves you need, girl?

- 100 bucks.

Come on.

Oh, I bet you tagged this green

the hard way, huh?

Go on. Go get it.
Yeah, go on down.

Look at you bendin' over.
Just how I remember you.

Yo, yo, burn, cuz.

Full of 'em today.

So what do you say, fur patch?

How 'bout a freebie, huh?

You know, sex-wise.

All right,
you get your fix first,

and then we'll get
our fix, sex-wise.

Yeah, sex-wise.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Well, well, well,
what do we got here?

Nice try, hero,
but not nice enough.

You see, we came to
this alley to Jack off

on people who didn't want it.

We're the alley Jacks.
It's what we do.

Yeah, we're disgusting.
We love it.

But now it appears
that the hunter

has become the jacked offer.

- Alley Jacks!
- Yeah, boss.

Assemble, all over his face.

I wish I could tell you

that the yeti fought
the good fight

and the alley Jacks let him be.

I wish I could tell you that,

but downtown
is no fairy tale world.

Regardless of how good
the tapas are.

Gotta be around here somewhere.

Yeah, this really is
a butthole of a neighborhood.

I feel like they kinda
jinxed it when they

called it the rape district.

What the hell?

He's all yours.

We already did what we do.

- Hey, alley Jacks.
- Yeah, boss?

- Let's go get some tapas.
- Oh, at Manny's?

As if anyone would go
anywhere else.

Could you stop relating
to the alley Jacks?

You scram.

Oh, my god. What did those
perverts do to you?

Your eyes.

We should get outta here.

Yeah, let's get you
cleaned up, buddy.

Come on, we'll make
him nice and new.

I just saw everything.

Now I know exactly
what it means.

You poor thing.
They missed your mouth.

Stupid tube yogurt.
I always miss.

You look so peaceful
when you slumber.

I can't help it.

Being handicapped is literally
the most relaxing thing

that could happen to anyone.

That must be why you're
always fallin' asleep.

I'm always tryin'
to tell Adam that.

He just doesn't understand.

You know,
there's a lot of things

that Adam doesn't understand.

Please, you could write
a book on the things

that dick doesn't get about me.

Maybe I will.

Really?

Yeah, get me a laptop.

All right, tell me something
that you hate about dick.

Okay, well, for starters,

I feel like
he never listens to me.

Hmm, yeah, Adam never
listens to me either.

He says that when the yeti
died, his ears died, too.

Okay how 'bout this.

You say something that
you don't like about Adam,

and I'll say something
i don't like about dick.

Really?

Adam's never asked me
my opinion about anything.

That's your first one.
Now it's my turn.

So, dick spends way too
much time on the computer.

He's always trolling "huffington
post" and ignoring me.

Yeah, Adam spends
way too much time

drawing pictures of penises
of men who can walk.

Dick's really dismissive
of my wants and needs.

Tell me about it.

Adam wouldn't go to
my mother's funeral

because he said that
she didn't go to his.

Dick is still in love
with his dead ex-girlfriend,

who was in a cult, by the way.

Adam's still in love
with his dead ex-boyfriend,

who was a yeti, by the way.

You know, you and i have a lot
more in common than I thought.

Yeah.

There is one other thing.

Something I've
never told anybody.

You can tell me anything.

It would better if I showed you.

All right,
but don't take too long

'cause I might fall...

Like most girls, i got
into wheelies as a tween.

But unlike most girls,

I never grew out of it.

Do you think I'm a freak?

If you're a freak,
then I'm a wheelie.

I'm sorry, I'm not
very good at this.

I've never hit on
a woman before.

- Have you ever hit a woman?
- Oh, god, no.

I mean, with your mouth,
on her mouth.

Useless.

Why is this thing a best seller?

Listen, I'm not good
at this either.

Can we just make out?

Okay.

But can you come to me?

I'm in a wheelchair.

And I love it.

What are we doing?

Making your tween dreams
come true.

Oh, my god.

'Cause the heart
of rock and roll,

the heart of rock and roll
is the beat, yeah.

Oh, god damn it. I meant to
buy liquor and porno mags,

but I got cantaloupes.

Fuckin' Ambien.

Ow, ow, bright light,
bright light, what?

Detective weekend,
looks like you have

quite the party planned.

What are you gonna
fuck this fruit?

You're the fuckin' fruit,
wahlberg.

I don't have time for cop
banter right now, weekend.

- What's going on?
- Why don't you tell me?

Okay, I'll tell you
what's happenin'.

You're a fuckin' prick,
wahlberg,

and your mother,

ain't half the lay
you told me she was.

- Ow!
- Smart ass.

- I followed your friends.
- Why, you couldn't find

friends of your own to follow?

You helped that fucking
queer who's trying

to fuckin' find his queer
fuckin' yeti baby.

- Bullshit.
- Pimp Billy faunz

is seriously startin' to
doubt your dedication

- to cop mafia, okay?
- Oh.

- And I can't say i blame him.
- Fuck you.

You cop mafia?

- Aah!
- You cop mafia?

- Fuck you.
- You cop mafia?

Yeah, I'm cop mafia.

I'm cop mafia!

Oh, come... I'm cop mafia.
I paid for these fruits.

- You fuckin' cop mafia?
- Yes, I said... aah!

- Say it again.
- Ah, I'm cop mafia.

More louder.

I'm cop mafia.
I'm cop mafia!

Good, okay, and don't
you fuckin' forget it.

For your cantaloupe.

Which one of your legs
is the most paralyzed?

This one.

Put it inside me.

Put him up again.

Watch your head,
watch your head.

We're basically there, okay.

Here we go, into bed you go.

Go to bed.

Shh, you just need
to relax, okay?

Good boy, you're gonna be okay.

You can stay here tonight,

but I have
a reservation coming in,

- so you have to be gone before noon.
- That's no problem.

Thank you so much, Ronaldo.
This is a huge help.

Not at all, my friend.

If everything you said is true,

it's the least I can do.

At least let me repay you.

- Oh.

All aboard the fuck ship.

I was thinking more along
the lines of a free portrait,

but always great
to see your penis.

I had to try.

Godspeed, bye.

Thanks babe.

He's incorrigible.

How did you get
us a night for free

at the nicest hotel in la?

Well, Ronaldo there,
he's actually the manager.

And I draw his dick, so...

Oh, that's what that is on
the walls of your place.

I always just thought
you sucked at drawing snakes.

- What? -Well, you're actually
a pretty good artist.

Hopefully I'm equally
as good as detoxing

junked out yeti whores.

- Ugh.
- What? What's wrong?

It's a cummy matchbook.

From the sexy dance club.

The sexy dance club,
that's where I met that girl.

Maybe somebody there
can tell us about the pimp.

I don't know, I mean,
i worked there for a while,

and I don't remember hearing
anything about any pimp.

Yeah, but I should
probably go talk to her.

What, why?

Eh, gotta do somethin'.

Right now, but, we got

the yeti.

Please make it through
the night, my love.

I just said it.
I said that.

No, no.

Look out. Behind you.
Look out!

Oh, my god.

Oh, god!

Stop it, I need your help.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh...

- Calm down.

- Calm...

Down.

Don't be a bitch.

- Calm the fuck down.

Calm down, you little yeti.
You pussy.

This is supposed to help
with detoxing, okay?

- This is a cold rag.

This is gonna help
with your detox from heroin.

Stop doing that.

Those noises
are for dead people.

Cough it out, but stop because
nobody likes it when you do that.

Here you go.

It's hot water
with a tea bag in it.

It's good for you.

Yeah, tea bag, I get it.
You're awful.

That was quite
a night last night.

You were touch and go
for a while there, but...

I'm glad you made it through.

You know, it's funny,

I've been taking care
of my boyfriend, alister,

for so long now, it's starting
to feel like a burden,

but, with you, it's different.

It's like you needed me.

With him I felt like
i was his Butler.

But with you, I feel
like I'm your life raft.

- Does that make any sense?

Sorry, I've never
been good with words.

I don't know, it's like,

you know how someone
can be perfect on paper,

but not clicking?

It's like with alister,
he is perfect on paper.

He's a crippled guy, can't walk,

is always fallin' asleep.

We have very little in common.

But for some reason
it's not enough.

I don't know, it's like
that magical feeling,

it's not there.

You know, I gotta
tell you something.

I have never felt
this way a second time before.

I'm feeling
first feelings again.

You know, you remind
me of someone.

Yeah, he was a yeti.

And he was the only man
i ever loved.

Wow, oh, okay.

That is magnificent.

No, do not be so modest.

That thing is perfect.

I must draw it.

It's what I do, I'm an artist.

And that...

That will be my masterpiece.

This is it.

This is all I've ever wanted.

Yeah, you're really
doin' it now, sex piss.

I know.

I wish I could see
me through your eyes.

You need to cut
your nails, dude.

Oh, my god.

It's perfect.

- It's you.

This is the drawing
I'm gonna be known for

when I pass away.

Now it's complete.

You don't have HIV
or anything, do you?

You know what? It's okay.

It's not a death
sentence anymore.

Yeah, yeah.

- You wanna switch?
- Uh-huh.

All right, let's switch.

This is where god lives.

Oh, , mmm.

- Is that a yeti?
- Mm-hmm.

We are not staying here.

Oh, yeah, not just
for the ladies.

I'm gonna squirt.

Oh, no, I'm gonna squirt.

Oh, my god.

Oh, shit. What the fuck?

Are you okay?

Do you know what
i like about you, tinaynay?

- No, what?
- I don't know.

I'm so fucking high, i forgot.

What the fuck is this shit?

Hi, sex piss.
Hi, tinaynay.

Tinaynay, would you mind
putting on a shirt

- around baby Eddie?

Yeah, fine, okay.

God damn it, sex piss, you can't just
go smoking crack around baby Eddie.

You're not my p.O. You
can't tell me what to do.

You done ruinin' our high?

Why don't you get the fuck outta here?
We got a reservation.

- What? -We got a
fuckin' reservation.

Check it out with
your eyes, dumb-dumb.

Jesus. Fine.

I'll go take care of this
baby yeti somewhere else.

You know, I hate to see you go,

but I like lookin'
at your butt when you leave.

- Fuck you, sex piss.

I still got it.

Damn, sex piss,
you got a mean streak.

Yeah, but drug addicts,
in general, are pretty awful.

You know, I don't really know
anything about you.

Tell me your story, sex piss.

Well, I was literally
raised by literal dogs,

but I didn't agree
with their strict parenting,

so I ran away, and moved in

with another set of dogs.

Well, then my foster dad
got heartworm

and had to be put down,
so I ran away again.

I lived off dumpster slime
and seagull meat.

It was the best time of my life.

Till I came here
to the sexy dance club.

Holy shit.
I too was raised by dogs.

Then my brother
ran away from home.

So I went lookin' for him.

I had to do a lotta awful stuff

to survive on the streets.

Then I heard he had gone
to L.A., so I came here.

Holy shit, sex piss,
you're my brother.

Oh, my god, sex...

Tinaynay, your story
was boring, so I left.

Sex piss, brother to no one.

- What ya thinkin'?

I'm just kidding,
i hate clingy bitches, too.

You're such a great person.

Hey, we've all done things
we regret, okay?

I know how it goes,
you make one mistake,

it snowballs,
and before you know it...

Exactly.

God, you have
the heart of a poet.

You are hilario.

Do you do an improv?

Seriously, no,
you're very funny.

Oh, yeah, I guess you gotta
have a sense of humor

once you hit rock bottom.

Is that when you met
pimp Billy faunz?

And he kept you all strung out

on smack and come.

You don't think that's gonna
happen to Eddie, do you?

- I've gotta stop him.

You know, dick's
been gone awhile.

He went to the sexy dance club.

You don't think anything
bad happened to him, do you?

Well, then we've gotta
get over there.

We've gotta save my baby.

And dick.

But we're gonna need
some serious fire power.

Adam, my bro
from a capitalist hoe.

- How are you, uh?
- Ah, Vladimir, I'm all right.

- How are you?
- I'm good, man.

Listen, why you only call me
when you need something, huh?

Why don't you call
me just to talk, you know?

Well, you are an underground
gun dealer that I met

one time outside of the eagle,
and we're not real friends.

Not real friends? Me and you.
We're not real friends?

How do you explain
to me this then, huh?

Okay, see, this
is obviously photoshopped.

No, no, that's not.

That's me and you at a bar.
We're having...

- No, that's my head.
- -Yes.

- From a wedding. -And me.
What wedding?

My head is sideways,
and my body is...

You were snowboarding, you fell.
That was an injury.

Listen, I'm here for your guns.

God damn it. Everyone's always
here for my fucking guns.

You want the fucking guns?
Fine, have some fucking guns,

huh?

Ooh, I like this one.

Yeah, that's a good one.

It's an assault weapon.

That's a good one.

I can't believe he wanted to
charge us more for the suitcase.

Not on my watch.

Now, what do you say
we go get my favorite bullet?

All right, come here.

- You're gonna love
this bullet. It's like...

I'm sorry, sir.

You're never gonna
be able to walk again.

Oh, god, say it again.

Slower.

- I'm sorry...
- Oh, my god.

What the dick?

Adam, what are you doing home?

I just came back
to get my favorite bullet.

I'm sorry. This isn't
what it looks like.

She's not a real surgeon.
It's Linda.

I'm cheating on you with Linda.

He's got a point.

You and I, we're not
meant to be together.

You should be happy.

I wish you guys the best of
luck, whatever that means.

- What are you gonna do?
- I've got my guns,

now I'm gonna get my sons.

I mean my son.
I only have one son.

Oh, by the way,
i might have HIV.

Hey, hey, psst.
Are you awake?

Hey, we gotta get outta here.

What's your name?

My name's dick.
It's short for dickshard.

Are you moaning
because we're friends now?

Ugh, what's goin' on in there?

No, no, don't be like that.

Look, I've got more questions.

If I offended you somehow,

I apologize, but also, grow up.

What the fuck?

Everything's on schedule.

Actually, some things
are ahead of schedule.

Hey, pimp Billy,
this one's a wonky one.

Can I keep it, please?

I won't use it
for sandwich meat.

I promise I'm not lying, please?

No, I just got you that
goddamn new fetus shredder.

Use the fuckin' thing.

- Come on.
- Get. Get.

Jesus Christ, that thing
almost took my finger off.

And I need my fingers.

Ugh.

You're all fucking crazy.

You'll never get away with this.

Motherfucker,
i always get away with it.

I got this whole town
wrapped around my dick,

and I like the way it feels.

His body's almost
ready to be impregnated.

Angel darling, bring me my yeti.

- Wait, what? What are you doing?
- Science, motherfucker.

Turns out your little
butt-buddy Adam

had somethin' that I wanted.

While yetis are highly desirable

and highly recognizable,

they're also extremely
hypnotizable.

Naturally, being
the horrible person I am,

I asked myself, "pimp Billy",

what can you do
with this information?"

To which I said, "oh, I know,
i can make an evil army"

of yetis to serve me."

It'd be like my Vietnam.

But here's the problem.

Yetis are very rare,
and even harder to breed.

Luckily Dr. lust is a genius
in the ways of cloning,

and also has very low
scruples and no moral values.

That yeti hooker
you found, my yeti hooker,

that was just the beginning.

Well, the beginning, actually, was
those sex piss clones we made,

but those guys just hang out.

- Can't get mad at that.
- And I don't.

See, the problem was, with
only one yeti, our gene pool,

and kiddie pool,
was regrettably low,

leading to a series
of tarded up mo-mo bags.

Like a copy of a copy of a yeti.

It went tits up.
I needed one more source.

I needed another yeti.

Lucky for me, i found one.

Don't worry, Eddie,
we'll get you outta here.

Stop givin' that baby
false hope.

Now get him outta here. I was
only using him for a prop.

Ow!

Aah!

Oh, there you go.

How you doin' there, boo?

You got an egg inside you now.

You're gonna be a mama, daddy.

What?

Shh, it's like
my mama Rosemary told me,

suffer in silence.

Hey, pbf, you should
take a look at this.

I think we got company.

There it is.

Anything I should know goin' in?

All right, so what
you're sayin' is,

after we get through
the strip club,

go to the vip lounge filled
with sexually depraved maniacs

and perverts, and after that,

Eddie should be in either the
laboratory, harvesting chamber,

or pimp Billy faunz's
office. Got it.

What the? How did
those assholes get on TV?

I'm supposed to be the star.

It's a security camera feed.

You can go outside
if you wanna be on it.

I'm not goin' out there.
They've got guns.

Sir, like, is there
a camera crew following them?

Hey, come here.

Mmm.

You know,
after this is all over,

I'll have Eddie back

and we can be a family.

We can talk about it later.

Really, you love me?

What the hell
are you trying to say?

- Ah, come on,
it wasn't that bad.

Seriously, I'm not
patronizing you. It wasn't.

Oh, my god.

And remember, boys,
if you hit a stripper

in the eye with a hot wing,
you get a free calendar.

Hold the phone.
Is that little Willie wenis?

I'll show you a little wenis.

Ah, I could've thought
of something better to say.

You stupid motherfuckers!

Take my baby,
now you take my bullets.

You stupid idiots.
You dumb pussies.

Eat my fuckin' bullets,

you perverted motherfuckers!

You guys
are really good at guns.

Not as good as these chicken
wings, though. Eh, you're busy.

Well, now I can drain
my pasta in you!

You have robbed me
of my only love,

and now I rob you
of functional organs

and functional life.

Stop the shooting!

You take my only son hostage,

I take your lack of holes
away from you.

I remove your status
of un-shot,

and I file it away
in the office of vengeance.

You're not gonna kill me.

I ain't dyin'
on the fuckin' job.

You didn't think
about this, did ya?

You did it.

God damn it.

Fuck this.

God damn nickel draft night.

To play devil's advocate,
it's a great price,

and it gets a lotta
butts in the seats.

But now everybody's so tanked
they can't fire a gun straight.

- Yeah, of course, sorry. -Fuck this.
I'm goin' to my office.

I think I have
a yeast infection.

My pussy's on fire.

It's gonna be okay.

Just like that story
in the Bible I told you.

The one where Jesus kisses
the robot on the mouth

and he becomes a real boy.

We're gonna get out of here
as long as we're brave, right?

Mm. I'm gonna go get us
some help. Be right back.

I don't care if you believe it,

guy had never heard
of frog tags...

Frog tags.
He never heard...

It must be nickel
draft night in here,

'cause these clowns
aren't makin' any sense.

I had to say something.

We'll keep an eye out...

For you.

End of the fuckin' line,
ass blasters.

- Oh, my god.
- Lame.

You're gonna come into my town,

ruin my day off,

kill basically
all the guys I know.

I never actually thought
about it like that.

But I did.

Weekend, what
the fuck you doin'?

Handing in my resignation.

Oh, what the fuck?

Why'd you shoot that stripper?

That was my ex-wife,
but you're next.

You askin' me
to marry you, sissy?

Till death do us part.

Cop banter.

Wait, does this mean...

I think it means
I'm not cop mafia anymore.

I'm just a cop now.

You did it.
You broke the curse.

But why?

Oh, I just realized i should
probably do what was right.

You know, for you, for me.

But most importantly
for you and that

tiny little yeti baby of yours.

You got some wahlberg on ya.

Oh, thank you so much.

Now, just...

Oh, it's really in there.

Thank you, I don't
wanna look foolish.

Yeah.

I'm finally free...

I got him!

No, why did you do that?

I was saving you.
He had his gun in your mouth.

He was saving me
from a messy mouth.

Oh, my god, I'm so sorry.

It's okay.
You killed one person.

Not a big deal.
He probably had a family.

Probably had little kids.
Whatever.

They're not gonna be picked up
from soccer practice today.

No big deal.

I'm sorry. I'm not
comforting you right, am I?

It's okay.
I know where baby Eddie is.

- All right, what's the plan?
- Right past the Jack-off booths

is the vip lounge.
It's filled to the brim

with fetishes,
perverts, and weirdos.

The second we open the door,
they're gonna tear us apart.

Let's go.

We'll have to clear the
room out as fast as we can.

That'll do, pig.
That'll do.

Don't look around,
'cause you'll be shaken

to the core by what you see.

Fresh meat, let's kill 'em!

After that, there are
fetish rooms.

Fart fetish jazz rooms.

Oh, my god.

They're pretentious and shitty.

The white trash clown room.
It sucks so fucking bad.

Fucking fucking
disgusting pieces of shit

and their bullshit
frat boys coming in here

with their fucking
bullshit face paint.

We can ignore this room,
it's just where lumpy,

the world's most
forgetful snowman, lives.

I do not ignore things.

But I don't want to die.

Okay, now that all those
consenting adults back there

have suffered
for their proclivities,

what do we do next?

Oh, next?

Next you fuckin' die.

- Unless you die first.
- Oh, you can't kill me.

If you do, you'll never
see your yeti again.

Drop the gun.

It wasn't a question,
motherfucker!

Drop the gun!

Why are you doing this?

Because I'm evil.

What, ain't you ever
seen an evil pimp

with goat legs before?

Yes, but it was many years ago.

Shut up! Enough!

I'm gonna kill you
in front of your son.

Ha, he said the part
about killing him

in front of his son.
It's so cool.

I wish you were my dad.

I still need two minutes
to fertilize these eggs.

Make sure no one
comes down those stairs.

- Heh. "Comes."

You can't just put that in me.

- Well, you know you want it.
- No, I don't.

Well, now you know
how girls feel.

Ow!

You really stuck it to him.

Is that...

Dick?

Hold on, what do we have here?

Nice little bag a heroin.

I wonder if there's anybody
around here who loves heroin?

Hey, anything happens,
and the heroin gets it.

No, you don't need that.
You have me now.

Oh, oh, hey, maybe you
don't need him anymore

'cause you have this now.

A nice soft pony you can
ride all the way home.

Don't do it.

- Come on.

Yeah, you know you need it.

That's the one.

See what happens now.

Now I win.

I thought you loved me!

No one loves you.
You're an asshole!

I gotta go save my dick.

Now get on your knees.

I wanna tell you both
a story of the future.

A future with yetis
far as the eye can see.

Hey, you can't come down here.

It's a private party.
Stop.

- Outta my way.
- God damn it.

- Awesome.

Get away from him, you bitch.

- You, I knew you'd betray us.
- How?

Because your name
is angel fuckin' snowflake.

That's like the least
evil name ever.

Pimp Billy is such an idiot.

When getting applications
for girls for your position,

there was girls with the name
cruela evilseed,

villian Von punishkill,

Joan Hitler.
And we went with you?

Fuck you.

- Bitch!
- Bitch!

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, yes, I know a guy
with two thumbs

who would love this.

I'm gonna go get him right now.

Too late to save
your dumb boyfriend.

Sooner or later he'll be
torn apart from the inside.

No one's gonna tear
him apart, except for me,

when I peg him.

Really?

Yeah, if you're into it.
We'll talk about it.

Meh.

Let's get you outta here.

Man, you're gonna love this.
It's totally your speed.

If you say so.

Oh, lame.
It's already over.

Look out.

That's lame.

Oh. Oh!

- All right.
- Damn it.

At least we got some juice
in this after all.

God... I assume I'm
walking to safety.

Hey, sex piss two,
don't let it go to your shred.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

old sex piss has got
no beef with you.

I gotta live to finger
bang another day.

Sex piss.

I feel like that was
the best kiss I ever had

- in my entire life.
- I know, me too.

Now let's go find your friends.

But first I have to fix
my hair and makeup.

- All right.
- Cool.

All right.

And then, and only then,

when all of mankind
has passed on

and the yetis are living
across the lands

will I be their king.

Livin' in a big-ass
house and doin'

weird shit because I can.

Shut up, slut!
Take it.

No, drugs are bad.

Drugs are bad?
You think drugs are bad?

Swords are bad.

You wanna see your daddy eat
the raw end of a metal blade?

I'm gonna cut you in half.

What the dick?

No!

No!

No!

No, no, you saaa...

You son of a bitch!

This next bullet
is my lucky bullet

given to me by
my mother Rosemary

before she abandoned my brother.

But Rosemary was my mother.

Oh, my god.

No, no, no, no, no.
No, baby.

Go take care of your friend.
I'm gonna help baby Eddie.

Oh, no, no, no!

No!

It happened again.

Why do bad things always
happen to good people?

'Cause there is no god and we're
all alone in this universe.

And I'm beginning to think we
might not be the best people.

That makes sense. Thank you.
I feel a little better.

What do you boys say about
taking this little guy out

- for some waffles?
- God, I hate waffles,

but I could go for a crepe.

No, what did you do, no, no.

No, no.

No, no, no, no, pbf, no.

No, pbf, why?

What did you guys do?
You broke him.

You assholes. He was
the best guy I ever met.

I have so many presents
i haven't given him yet.

And he'll never get 'em.

- Fuck you.
- What was that?

The self-destruct button.

Why does this place have
a self-destruct button?

There's one in every room.

There's even one
next to the soap dispenser

in the bathroom.
It's so annoying.

It's because pimp Billy
had a vision,

and that included having
self-destruct buttons in every room,

and you took him away from me.

- Angel!
- Go out the front,

- I'm gonna go around the back.
- Are you sure?

I'll catch you on the flop side.

Oh, my god.
I love... I...

Come on, let's get out of here.

- What the?
- Shit.

Get in.
There's no time to explain.

Well, isn't that a time machine?

Couldn't you technically
make time to explain.

I'm being a pill. I'm being
a little bit of a pill.

Take these, you'll need
'em where we're going.

Wait, what about your kid?

He'll understand.

No, no, you did it.

You blew it up.

You blew it all up, bastards.

It's okay, Eddie,

we're gonna find
your daddy someday.

Someday.

This isn't over.

Welcome to the future.

No fucking way.

It's incredible.

Is this a city full of yetis?

It's a whole planet
full of yetis, man.

Wait, is that a statue
of pimp Billy faunz?

Yeah, it is.
And there's more.

You're gonna wanna read this.

Is that...?

Looks like me.

"Wanted for crimes
against yetimanity."

I'll show them some crimes
against yetimanity.

Sex crimes.

Wait, what?

I just finished
the quilt that I started

on the same day
that you started your book.

How's it going, by the way?

You mean my book
about how Adam and dick

don't appreciate us?

I just finished it.

I'm so proud of you.

I'm so proud of us.

Jumpin' Jesus
on a pogo stick, alister.

You, my friend, are a genius.

This is fantastic.

This book made my head explode.

I gotta tell you something,
in my entire life,

I've never read
anything like this.

It's true, he hasn't.

Oh, my god, I can't
tell you how happy

it makes me to hear that.

You're gonna make
Cormac McCarthy

look like senator Joe McCarthy.

That's exactly what I said.

We have a hit.
A huge publishing hit.

So, let's bring out
the Jesus juice,

and I've got the good
stuff right here, buddy.

We're gonna share this.
We are going to share this.

- I'm so happy. -Unfortunately, as
you know, we've had a little bit

of a financial reversal,
so we have no glasses,

but we do have this doggy bowl.

Mm, let's celebrate.

Come on, come on, come on.

Have a little bit.
Come on, lap it up.

Come on, give me a paw.

- Could I have some of that?
- What?

Your Jesus juice
is down here between my legs.

Come on, get down
on your knees, you,

and don't you even look at this.

It'll affect your style, right?

Close your eyes.
That's much better.

Barbara duckman. Oh!

- There you go, homey. -Thank
you so much, Mr. swooplin.

Swoop.

Make it out to sex piss.

"Sex" is spelled the normal way,

but "piss" is spelled
p-i-s-s.

That's a stupid name.

You see these two
guys on the cover?

They used to be my best friends.

Then they killed
my father figure

and destroyed the only place
I've ever loved.

Now, I'm gonna travel
to the ends of the earth

until I find them, and I'm
going to exact my revenge.

I'll be finger-banging
their souls in hell.

That's stupid, too.

On another note, if you
guys need a third wheel

in your relationship,
i swing both ways,

and let's make that fuckin'
wheelchair a tricycle.

Thanks for the book.

Joke's on you, asshole.
I don't know how to read.