All language subtitles for Animal.Crackers.1930.1080p.BluRay.x264-SiNNERS

You must do
your best tonight
Be on your toes, men

There's another
guest tonight
It's one of those men

Who are being feted
by the smart set.

We'll see that he gets
what he deserves

Treat him as they do
a king in manner royal

Like a subject to a king
you must be loyal

On this object
you must have
your heart set

We'll do nothing
to get on his nerves

Again I mention
Be on your toes, men

He craves attention
He's one of those men

Yes, sir,
we will give him
just what he deserves

Oh, Hives?
Oh, yes,
Mrs. Rittenhouse?

I'd like to make
a few changes in the
assignment of the rooms.

Very good, madam.

Suppose you put
Mr. Chandler in
the blue suite.

And Captain Spaulding,
as guest of honor,

will have
the green duplex
with the two baths.

Two, madam?

Why, yes.

I think the Captain
would like two baths,
don't you?

Well, if he's just
returned from Africa,
he may need two baths.

Mr. Roscoe W. Chandler.

Mrs. Rittenhouse,
well!

Mr. Chandler.

So nice
to see you.

The famous Beaugard,
as I have promised.

Mr. Chandler, how
can I ever express
my gratitude?

Oh, it's nothing.
Nothing?

You return from Europe
with a masterpiece
valued at $100,000,

and instead of
displaying it yourself,

you allow me to unveil it
at my party in honor of
Captain Spaulding.

You call
that nothing?

Mrs. Rittenhouse,
I...

Uh, will you please
remove that to the place

where it is
to be exhibited?

Very good, sir.
And uh,
very careful, please.

Mrs. Rittenhouse,
you think
that is something?

It is nothing compared
to what I would
like to do for you.

You are a very
beautiful woman.

No, no,
Mr. Chandler.

Well, maybe I'm wrong.

What?

Please, do not go,
Mrs. Rittenhouse,

I love you.
I know, but...

Do not take away your hand.
I tell you, I love you.

Careful...
Hello, Mother.

Playing house?

Well, uh,
if you'll pardon me.

Have you seen
Johnny Parker?

I wish you'd get
Johnny Parker
out of your mind

and show more respect
to Mr. Chandler.

The trouble with you is
you don't take these
social affairs seriously.

What would you
suggest, Mom? Suicide?

I would suggest...

Mrs. Rittenhouse,
Captain Spaulding
has arrived!

Splendid.
Oh, I'm so glad.

My friends,
Captain Spaulding
has arrived.

At last we are to meet him
The famous Captain Spaulding

From climates hot
and scalding
The Captain has arrived

Most heartily we'll greet him
with plain and fancy cheering

Until he's hard of hearing
The Captain has arrived

At last the Captain

Has arrived

Mr. Horatio W. Jamison,

field secretary
to Captain Spaulding.

I represent
the Captain who insists
on my informing you

Of these conditions
under which
he camps here

In one thing he is
very strict he wants
his women young and thin

And as for men,
he won't have
any tramps here

And as for men,
he won't have
any tramps here

There must be no tramps

The men must all be
very old the women warm,
the champagne cold

It's under these conditions
that he camps here

I'm announcing
Captain Geoffrey Spaulding

He's announcing
Captain Geoffrey Spaulding

Oh, dear, he is coming

At last he's here

Well, what
do I owe you?

What? From Africa
to here, $1.85?
That's an outrage.

I told you not to
take me through Australia.
You know it's all ripped up.

You should have
come right up
Lincoln Boulevard.

Where do you come
to that stuff?

Turn around the rear end,
I wanna see your
license plates.

I don't think,
you're on the square.
Oh, Captain Spaulding.

I'll attend
to you later.
Oh, Captain Spaulding.

Why you're one of
the most beautiful
women I've ever seen.

That's not saying
much for you.
Captain Spaulding,

Rittenhouse Manor
is entirely
at your disposal.

Well, I'm certainly grateful
for this magnificent washout.
Uh, "turnout," and uh,

now I'd like
to say a few words.

Hello
I must be going

I cannot stay,
I came to say
I must be going

I'm glad I came,
but just the same
I must be going... La la

For my sake
you must stay

If you should go away
you'd spoil this party
I am throwing

I'll stay a week or two

I'll stay
the summer through

But I am telling you

I must be going.

Before you go
will you oblige us

And tell us of
your deeds so glowing

I'll do anything you say
In fact, I'll even stay

Good

But I must be going

There's something
that I'd like to say

That he's too modest
to relate

The Captain is a moral man
Sometimes he finds it trying

This fact I'll emphasize
with stress

I never take a drink unless

Somebody's buying

The Captain
is a very moral man

If he hears anything obscene
he'll naturally repel it

I hate a dirty joke
I do

Unless it's told by someone
who knows how to tell it

The Captain
is a very moral man

Hooray for Captain Spaulding
the African explorer

Did someone
call me Schnorer

Hooray, hooray, hooray

He went into the jungles
where all the monkeys
throw nuts

If I stay here
I'll go nuts

Hooray, hooray, hooray

He put all his reliance
in courage and defiance

And risked his life
for science

Hey, hey

He is the only
white man
who covered every acre

I think I'll try and make her

Hooray, hooray, hooray

He put all his reliance
in courage and defiance

And risked his life
for science

Hey, hey

Hooray for Captain
Spaulding the African explorer

He brought his name
undying fame

And that is why we say
hooray, hooray, hooray

My friends, I'm highly
gratified at this magnificent
display of effusion.

And I want you to know...

Hooray for Captain Spaulding
the African explorer

He brought his name
undying fame
And that is why we say

Hooray, hooray, hooray

My friends, I'm highly
gratified at this magnificent
display of effusion.

And I want you to know...

Hooray for Captain Spaulding
the African explorer

He brought his name
undying fame
And that is why we say

Hooray, hooray, hooray

My friends, I'm highly
gratified at this magnificent
display of effusion.

I want you to know...

Hooray for
Captain Spaulding
the African explorer

Well, somebody's
got to do it!
Captain Spaulding?

It is indeed a great
honor to welcome you
to my poor home.

Oh, it isn't so bad.
Needless to say...

Wait a minute,
I think you're right.
It is pretty bad.

As a matter of fact,
it's one of the frowsiest
looking joints I've ever seen.

Why, Captain...
Where did you
get your wallpaper?

You're letting
this place run down,
and what's the result?

You're not getting
the class of people
that you used to.

Why, you've got people
here that look like you!

Now, I'll tell you what to do.
We'll put up a sign outside,
"Place under new management."

We'll set up
a 75-cent meal that will
knock their eyes out.

After we knock their
eyes out, we can charge
them anything we want.

Now sign here and give me
your check for $1,500.

I want to
tell you, madam,

with this
insurance policy,

you've provided
for your little ones
and for your old age...

Which will be here in
a couple of weeks now,

if I'm any judge
of horseflesh.

And now, madam,
"I feel that the time
has come," the walrus...

Captain Spaulding!
Captain Spaulding!

You stand before me as
one of the bravest men
of all times.

All right,
I'll do that.

In the dark forests
of Africa,

there has been no danger
you have not dared.

You mind if
I don't smoke?

Fearlessly, you have
blazed new trails,

scornful of
the lion's roar and
the cannibal's tom-tom.

Says you!

Never once in all
those weary months did
your footsteps falter.

Cowardice is
unknown to you.

Fear is not in you!

Oh, pardon me,
a caterpillar...

Put him over here.

Oh, it must have been
the caterpillar
that frightened him.

Oh, dear.
This is unfortunate.

Don't stand there.
Get the whiskey!

Get the whiskey.
The whiskey? The whiskey?
Where is the whiskey?

It's in my little black bag
in the right-hand corner.

Signor Emanuel Ravelli.

How do you do?
How do you do?

Where's the
dining room?
I'm surprised.

Say, I used to know
a fellow who looked
exactly like you,

by the name of, uh,
Emanuel Ravelli.

Are you his brother?
I am Emanuel Ravelli.

You're
Emanuel Ravelli?
I'm Emanuel Ravelli.

Well, no wonder you look
like him, but I insist
there is a resemblance.

Hey,
he thinks I look alike.

Well, If you do,
it's a tough break
for both of you.

You are one of
the musicians, but you were
not due until tomorrow.

Couldn't come tomorrow.
That's too quick.

So, you're lucky they
didn't come yesterday.

We were busy yesterday,
but we charge just the same.

This is better
than exploring.

What do you fellows
get an hour?

Oh, for playing,
we get a $10 an hour.

I see. What do you
get for not playing?

$12 an hour.

Well, clip me off
a piece of that.

Now, for rehearsing,
we make special rate,
that's $15 an hour.

That's for rehearsing?
Yes, that's
for rehearsing.

And what do you get
for not rehearsing?
You couldn't afford it.

You see,
If we don't rehearse,
we don't play.

- And If we don't play...
- That runs into money.

How much will you
want to run into
an open manhole?

Just the
cover charge.

Drop in sometime.
Sewer.

Oh, we cleaned
that up pretty well.

Well, let's see
how we stand.

Flat-footed.

Yesterday
we didn't come.

You remember,
yesterday we didn't come.
Oh, I remember.

Yeah, that's $300.

Yesterday you didn't come.
That's $300?
That's $300.

That's reasonable.
I can see that,
all right.

Now, today we
did come.
That's, uh...

That's $100 you owe us.

Hey, I bet I'm gonna
lose on the deal.

Tomorrow we leave.
That's worth about...
A million dollars.

Yeah, that's
all right for me,
but I got a partner.

What?
Partner?

The Professor!

The gates swung open
and a Fig Newton entered.

How do you do?

Goodness!

You haven't got
chocolate, have you?

He's got everything.

Hives, take
the Professor's
hat and coat.

And send for
the fumigators.

Oh, my goodness!

Bonjour!

Hey, don't you see.
There are ladies present.
What do you think this is?

Put that hat down.
Will you?
What you do there?

Get out.

Don't go near those guns!

A little more
to the right.

Ah-ah,
that's better.

Now, see that
the drape is well-hung.

The mistress will
inspect it before
the unveiling.

Hello, Hives!

Mrs. Whitehead,
this is a surprise.

And how about me?
Miss Grace,

you've grown so
in the last year.

You haven't lost
any weight, yourself.

No. Unfortunately not.

You know, Hives,
it seems strange

to find you working here
instead of in our own home.

Well, after you
left for Europe,

Mrs. Rittenhouse
was good enough
to make me an offer.

Lovely!

Oh, by the way, Hives,

what's the secret
about the painting?

No secret.
It's Beaugard's
After the Hunt.

The original?

Most original.

Be careful!

Where did she
get hold of that,
do you suppose?

Is it very valuable?
Is it? It must
be worth a fortune.

But sis, it looks as if we
yield the social honors of the
season to Mrs. Rittenhouse.

Well, isn't there
something we can do?

We might shoot ourselves.

I'd rather shoot
Mrs. Rittenhouse.

Say, I have an idea.

I copied that painting
in art school a year ago.

Well, what of it?

But, I still
don't get it.

I'll go home
and get the copy.

We'll substitute it
for the original.

And when she unveils it,
what'll she have?

An imitation,
and I must admit,
a very poor one.

Grace,
you're wonderful.

That's what
I've been telling you.

I won't be long.

All right.
See you later.

Oh, Hives?

Do you still feel
there's a strong bond
between us?

Why most certainly,
Mrs. Whitehead.

Strong enough for you
to do me a big favor?

Why, anything at all.

Well,

suppose I were to
ask you to take away
the Beaugard?

What? You mean...
Oh, just temporarily,
of course.

And substitute
something of my own.

Well, I should consider it
rather an unusual request.

It is, Hives.

But somehow I still
think of you as one
of the Whiteheads.

You may count on me.

My soul is yours.

Even though my body

may belong to
Mrs. Rittenhouse.

Why, Hives?

Oh, Mrs. Whitehead.
Arabella!

May I present,
Mr. Parker?

Oh, of the
Massachusetts Parkers?

Why, no.
Oh, then the
southern Parkers?

Oh, no!
The central Parkers.

You know, the,
uh, benches and trees.

I see!

Oh! I don't like
that woman.

Well, never mind.
You come over here

and sit down
and tell me
whom you do like.

Oh! So,
that's your game.

Now, listen,

do you
really love me?

Why don't you marry me
and find out.

Marry you?
Ha! On what?
Hmm.

Last year,
I sold two paintings.

One at $100
and one at $50.

Could we live
on $150 a year?

Oh, we wouldn't
need any money!

I've got a charge account
in every shop on 5th Avenue.

Well, if I
had any brains,

I'd give up painting
and get a regular job.

You know, I had a cousin
who made $50,000 on
Wall Street last year.

Oh, I don't want
to marry your cousin.

I'm a darn fool.
I want to marry you.

Say,

why don't we get
that old bluff, Chandler,
to buy a portrait from you?

Chandler? Ha!
What does he
know about art?

Well, the less he knows,
the easier it will be
for you to sell him.

They're right upstairs.
You can't miss them.

Go around to
the other side.

Mrs. Rittenhouse?

Yoo-hoo!

Oh, Captain Spaulding,
how are you?

Tell me,
are you alone?

Captain,
I don't understand.

What?
You don't understand
being alone?

Don't give me
that innocent stuff
or you'll be alone!

A big cluck like you
turning cute on me!

Mrs. Rittenhouse?
Yes?

Oh, pardon me.

You've been
affected like this
yourself, haven't you?

Oh,
no, Captain.

Well, you will be.

Mrs. Rittenhouse,
ever since I met you,

I've swept you
off my feet.

Something has been
throbbing within me.

Oh, it's been beating like
the incessant tom-tom
in the primitive jungle.

There's something
that I must ask you.

What is it,
Captain?

Would you wash out
a pair of socks for me?

Captain,
I'm surprised.

Well, that maybe surprise you,
but it's been
on my mind for weeks.

It's just my way
of telling you that
I love you. That's all.

I love you. I...
Captain...

Mrs. Whitehead.
I beg your pardon.
I beg your pardon.

Am I intruding?

Are you intruding?

Just when I had her
on the five-yard line.

I should say
you are intruding!

I should say
you are intruding!
Pardon me,

I was using
the subjunctive instead
of the past tense.

Yes, we're way past tents.
We're living
in bungalows now.

This is a mechanical age,
of course.

Mrs. Whitehead,

you haven't met
Captain Spaulding,
have you?

Why, no. I haven't.
How are you?

How are you?

I'm fine, thank you.
And how are you?

And how are you?

That leaves you
one up.

Did anyone ever tell you
you had beautiful eyes?

No.

Well, you have.
And so have you!

He shot her a glance.

As a smile played
around his lips.

Yes. I don't think
I've ever seen

four more beautiful eyes
in my life.

Well, three, anyway.

You know,
you two girls
have everything.

You're tall and short,
and slim and stout,
blonde and brunette,

and that's just
the kind of a girl
I crave!

We three would make
an ideal couple.

Why, you've got beauty,
charm, money.

You have that money,
haven't you?

Because, if you haven't,
we can quit right now.

The Captain is charming,
isn't he?

I'm fascinated.

I'm fascinated, too.
Right on the arm.

Fascinated.
Whim-wham.

If I were Eugene O'Neill,
I could tell you what
I really think of you two.

You know,
you're very fortunate

the theater guild
isn't putting this on.

And so is the guild.

Pardon me while I have
a strange interlude.

Why, you couple of baboons,

what makes you think
I'd marry either one of you?

Strange how the wind
blows tonight.

It has a thin, eerie voice.
Reminds me of
poor old Marsden.

How happy I could be
with either of these two

if both of them
just went away.

Well, what do
you say, girls?

What do you say?
Will you marry me?

But, Captain,
which one of us?

Both of you.
Let's all get married.
This is my party.

Party. Party.

Here I am talking
of parties.

I came down here
for a party.
What happens?

Nothing.
Not even ice cream.

The gods look down
and laugh.

This would be
a better world
for children

if the parents had
to eat the spinach.

Well, what do
you say, girls?

What do you say?
Are we all
going to get married?

All of us?
All of us!

But that's bigamy.

Yes, and it's
big of me, too!

It's big of all of us.
Let's be big for a change.

I'm sick of these
conventional marriages.

One woman and one man
was good enough for
your grandmother,

but who wants to marry
your grandmother?

Nobody. Not even
your grandfather.

Think of the honeymoon,
strictly private.

I wouldn't let
another woman
in on this.

Well, maybe one or two,
but no men.

I may not go, myself.

Are you suggesting
companionate marriage?

Well, it's got advantages.

You could live
with your folks,

and I could live
with your folks.

And you,
you could sell
Fuller Brushes.

Living with
your folks.

Living with your folks,
the beginning of the end.

Drab dead yesterdays
shutting out
beautiful tomorrows.

Hideous stumbling footsteps
creaking along the misty
corridors of time.

In those corridors,
I see figures,

strange figures,
weird figures.

Steel 186,
anaconda 74,

American Can 138.

Well, let's see.
Where were we?

Oh, yes! We were
about to get married.

Well, what do you think?
Do you think we really
ought to get married?

I think marriage
is a very noble
institution.

It's the foundation
of the American home.

Yes, but the trouble is
you can't enforce it.

It was put over on
the American people...

While our boys
were over there...

...and while our girls
were over here.

You know that I've been
waiting at the bottom of
these stairs for years

for just such
a moment as this.

Why, Captain,
where are you going?

I'm sorry, ladies,
I'm sorry,

But, uh, I'm afraid
we're gonna have to
postpone the wedding

for a few days,
maybe for a few years.

Before I get married,
I'm going to sow
a couple of wild oats.

The Captain's
so amusing.
Isn't he charming?

So that's the famous
Beaugard, eh?

It's a great picture,
isn't it?

Oh, you've
seen it before?

Seen it? I spent three
days in Paris copying it.
You did?

Well, me and a million
other young artists.

Oh.

I bet your copy
was better than
any of them.

Well, it wasn't
bad at that.

I'll show it
to you sometime.

Listen.
What?

Mother's going
to unveil it tonight.

Yeah.

Suppose...

Suppose when she
unveils it, it's not
the Beaugard at all?

Suppose it's yours!

You mean, put my copy
in place of the Beaugard?
Exactly.

Well, Arabella,
you're crazy.

What good
would that do?

What good? Listen.

They'll unveil it.

Chandler will tell
everybody how fine it is.

They'll all cheer
their heads off,

and then we'll tell them
who really painted it.

They'll say,
you're a great artist.

You'll get six commissions
for paintings,

and we can be married
and divorced in no time.

Well, that sounds great.

But what if they
don't like my painting?
What then?

Well, isn't the chance
worth taking?

Ah, I see you're
admiring my picture.
Yes, yes.

Your picture?
Yes, my picture.

Well, it don't look
like you.

Hey, wait, wait.

Someplace I met you before,
because you're face
is a very familiar.

Well, after all,
I'm one of the most
well-known men in America.

The newspapers will keep
on running my photograph.

You're not
Abe Kabbible?
Oh, nonsense!

All right. Hey, wait.
If you're not Abe Kabbible,
who are you?

Now, please.
Chandler is my name,
Roscoe W. Chandler.

Yeah, but I don't care
about the name, you see.

Someplace I met you before,
because your face
is very familiar.

Now, wait.
Let me see,

Were you
ever in Sing Sing?
Please!

No, no, Sing.
I got it. I got it.

Joliet?
Leave me alone!

No? All right,
don't run away.
Don't run away.

Leavenworth?
Oh, listen here, I have
never been in these places.

I spend most of
my time in Europe.
Europe.

I got it now.

I know. You come
from Czechoslovakia.

You are wrong,
I tell you...

You come from...
Hey, hey, come here,
come here.

I tell you...
Please get away
from me.

Hey, you remember him.
Who was he?

He comes from
Czechoslovakia.

You are wrong, I tell you.
I told you before,
you are mistaken.

He comes
from Czechoslovakia,
and I know who it is.

That's Abie
the fish peddler
from Czechoslovakia.

Ridiculous,
I tell you.
You are wrong.

Wait, wait, wait.
We prove it.

He had a birthmark.
Remember?

Oh, please!
What are you...
Leave me alone.

On the arm.
On the arm.
On the leg.

On the foot,
up here,
on the mustache.

Ah-ha! There it is.
There is the birthmark.

Abie the fish man.

I confess. I was,
I was Abie the peddler.

Well, how did you
get to be
Roscoe W. Chandler?

Say, how did you get
to be an Italian?

Never mind.
Whose confession
is this?

Well, boys,
for heaven's sake,

don't say about
this to anybody,

and I think we can
come to some agreement.

Some arrangement
which would be, uh,
mutually satisfactory.

Money, money.
Yeah. Shall we say,
uh, $500?

Piker! $500.
Well, that is all
the cash I have.

$500?

Well, all right.
I tell you what we do.
We'll take your I.O.U.

I've given you my best offer
and that is all you will get.

That's all you give?
Yes.

Abie the fish man
Abie the fish man

Abie the fish man
Abie the fish man

Please be quiet,
quiet!

Please.
Now, come here.
Now, listen here.

I have here
a check for $5,000. Now,
I give it to you. Yeah?

Hey. Is it good?
Well, of course
it is good.

Who would give me
a bad check?

I would.

Hey, see if it's good.

All right, if you
don't want the check,

then that is all
you will get.

That's all we get?
Yeah.

Abie the fish man
Abie the fish man
Please, quiet!

Abie the fish man
Abie the fish man
Quiet!

Abie the fish man

Here! Give me
that handkerchief.

My tie!
Where is my tie?
I...

You're nothing
but a pair of thieves.
That's all.

I get a the tie.
Well, what do you got?

The birthmark!

Hey, hey,
where's your tie?

Well, I...

That's a fine way
for a millionaire

to be running around,
open at the neck.

Have you got garters?
Of course,
I have garters. Here.

Oh! They've taken
my garters, too!
A likely story.

Turning collegiate on me, eh?
Have you got socks?

Certainly.
Here they are.

Oh, yeah.
You have got socks.

They look pretty old
to me, too.
Whose are they?

My old socks.
Let me introduce myself.

My name is Spaulding,
Captain Spaulding.
I am Roscoe W. Chandler.

Well, this is a treat,
your treat.

You have heard
about me?

Yes, I've heard about you
for a great many years,
Mr. Chandler,

and I'm getting
pretty darn sick
of it, too.

Quite naturally,
I've also heard of the
great Captain Spaulding.

Well, that's fine.
I've heard of you
and you've heard of me.

Now, have you ever heard
the one about
the two Irishmen?

Oh, yes!

Now that I've got
you in hysterics,
let's get to business.

My name is Spaulding,
Captain Spaulding.

I am Roscoe W. Chandler.

And I'm Geoffrey T. Spaulding.
I bet you don't know
what the "T" stands for.

Uh, Thomas?
Edgar.

You were close, though.

You were close, though,
and you still are, I'll bet.

Now, this is what I want
to talk to you about,
Mr. Chandler.

How would you
like to finance
a scientific expedition?

Well,
that is a question.

Yes that is a question.
You certainly know a question
when you see it.

I congratulate you,
Mr. Chandler,

and that brings us
right back
to where we were.

How would you
like to finance
a scientific expedition?

Well, is there any
particular kind of an
expedition you had in mind?

Well, I tell you.
I'm getting along
in years now.

There's one thing
I always wanted to do
before I quit.

What is that?
Retire.

Now would you be
interested in a proposition
of that kind?

You know, I've always had
an idea that my retirement

would be the greatest
contribution to science
the world has ever known.

This is your chance,
Mr. Chandler.

When I think
what you have done
for this country...

And by the way,
what have you done
for this country?

Oh, well.
I've always tried
to do what I could,

especially in
the world of art.

Art? Well, I don't know
how we drifted
around that.

But what is
your opinion of art?

I am very glad
you asked me!

I withdraw the question.

This fellow takes
things seriously.

It isn't safe
to ask him
a simple question.

Tell me Mr. Chandler,
where are you planning on
putting your new opera house?

Oh, I thought
I should put it somewhere
near Central Park.

I see. Why don't you put it
right in Central Park?

Could we do that?
Sure. Do it at night
when no one is looking.

Why don't you put it
in the reservoir and get
the whole thing over with?

Of course,
that might interfere
with the water supply.

But after all,
we must remember
that art is art.

Still, on the other hand,
water is water, isn't it?

And east is east,
and west is west.

And If you take cranberries
and stew them
like applesauce,

it tastes more like prunes
than rhubarb does.

Now, uh,

now, you tell me
what you know.

Well, I would be
very glad to give you
my opinion.

Well, that's dandy.
I'll ask you
for them someday.

Remind me, will you?
I'll tell you what,

could you come
to my office at 10:00
tomorrow morning?

If I'm not there,
ask for Mr. Jamison,
that's my secretary,

and If he sees you,
I'll discharge him.

That's a date, now.
Saturday at 3:00.

No, you better
make it Tuesday,
I'm going to Europe Monday.

Pardon me.
My name is Spaulding.

I've always wanted
to meet you,
Mr. Chandler.

Tell me.
What do you think
of the traffic problem?

What do you think of
the marriage problem?

What do you think of
at night when you
go to bed, you beast?

Well, I'll tell you...
I'd rather not
discuss it any further.

Remember, there
are children present.

Well, you see,
my dear Captain,

in the last analysis,
it is a question of money.

The nickel today is
not what it used to be
10 years ago.

I'll go further than that.
I'll get off at the depot.

The nickel is not
what it was 15 years ago.

You know what this
country needs today?

What?
A seven-cent nickel.

Yes, sir. We've been
using the five-cent nickel
in this country since 1492.

Now, that's pretty near
100 years, daylight saving.

Now, why not give
the seven-cent nickel
a chance?

If that works out,
next year we could have
an eight-cent nickel.

Think what that would mean.

You could go to a newsstand
buy a three-cent newspaper
and get the same nickel back.

One nickel,
carefully used, would last
a family a lifetime.

Captain Spaulding,
I think that is
a wonderful idea.

You do, eh?
Yes.

Then there can't
be much to it.

Forget about it.
Well, uh...

Well, tell me,
Captain Chandler, uh,
excuse me, Spaulding.

Spaulding, Spaulding,
that's right.
Yeah.

I'm Spaulding,
you're Chandler.

Let's have
no more of that
either, eh?

It's bad enough
being Spaulding.

Well, tell me,
Captain Spaulding,

Spaulding is the name?
That's right.
That's right.

I'm, I'm Chan...
I'm Spaulding...
Spaulding...

Could I look at
a program a minute?

I might be the "News Weekly,"
for all he knows,
or "Coming Next Week."

Well, tell me,
Captain Spaulding,
you've been quite a traveler.

Uh, what do you think
about South America?

I'm going there soon,
you know.

Is that so?
Where are you going?
Uruguay.

Well, you go Uruguay
and I'll go mine.

Say, how long has
this been going on?
Let's change the subject.

Take the foreign situation.
Take Abyssinia.

I'll tell you,
you take Abyssinia,

and I'll take a hot
butterscotch sundae
on rye bread.

Let's go and see what
the boys in the back room
will have.

But, my...

Let's see how
yours compares
with the original.

All right, let's.

Oh! I don't see
any difference.

Well, look closer.
Maybe, you'll find
it's better.

Oh, you!

You seen
my partner?

No.

Oh, yoo-hoo.

Oh, Mr. Ravioli.

Ravelli, Ravelli.
Oh, Mr. Ravelli.

I want you to do
something for me.

I do anything for you.
What do you want,
I should do?

You see
that painting?

You mean,
this picture?

I want you to take that
out of the frame
and put this one in its place.

You want I should
take this one down
and put this one upstairs.

Yes, that's it.

You want
I should steal!

Oh, no, no!
It's not stealing.

Well, then,
I couldn't do it.

Oh, Mr. Ravioli!
Oh, no, no, no.

Hey, get up, get up.
Come here.

That's all you do,
chase the women.

Go. Aw, stop!

Everybody here plays cards.
They don't ask us.

We are a waste all the time.
We been here all day.

How much a we make?
We make a nothing.

First thing you know,
we gonna live on a charity,

then go to
the old ladies' home.

How do you like that?

No, no.
That's a no good!

These people here
all got a money.

Now, we gotta get
someone to play with us,
see.

I play anything.

Oh, Signor Ravelli,

I want to speak
to you about the music.
Yeah. How do you do?

What's the matter
with you?

I thought,
it would be nice...
Go away from me.

What is this?
That's all right.
Just a...

Oh, there you are.
My, dear...

Hello, Professor.

Good heavens.
What's the matter
with his feet?

This is embarrassing.

That's nothing.

Why, we play
all kinds of games.

We play blackjack,
soccer...

Oh! Dear, I'm so sorry!

Mrs. Whitehead...

What is the matter
with him?

I wouldn't have
had this happen
for the world.

Oh! Heavens!

Come on! Atta boy!

Go away from me!

One... Two... Three.

Atta boy.
Atta boy.

Good heavens.
Oh, dear.

I must,
get them out. I must get
them out of here!

Oh, look.
You see how terrible
he looks! Look.

I'm so frightened.

Look, what can I do?
I don't know.

I better get Hives.
No, let me get her.

Well, you go, then.
I'm just trying
to watch my...

Oh, oh.

Oh, this is terrible.

She can't take
it there.

You better get Hives.

Go away from me!

This is dreadful.

Well, why don't
you leave him alone?

Stop!

Now that this game is over,
how about playing bridge?

You play bridge?
I play bridge a little.

What do you play for?
Oh, we just play
for small stakes.

And French fried
potatoes?

Set it up over there,
Hives.
Very good, madam.

What in the world
is he up to?

Look at this.

The whole house will be
torn to pieces.
Absolutely.

If it isn't one thing,
it's another.

Oh, Hives!
Oh!

Take it away,
Hives.

Extraordinary.
We'll play over here.

Now, how do
you want to play?
Honest?

Well, I hope so.

You put that
right away.

It's your
own fault.

Come along now.
We'll cut for partners.

Oh, he's my partner.
That's the only way
we play.

I'm sorry but it's against
the rules of the games.
We have to cut for partners.

All right.
We cut for partners.

I got ace of spades.
He's got ace of spades.

That's what you call
"quin-cidences."

Two aces of spaces?
Yeah, he's got
thousands of them.

Well, I suppose
that gives him
the choice of seats.

You have
the choice of seats.

Good heavens!
Not on her lap.
Come on! Sit down.

What's the matter
with him?
I don't know.

He thought it was
contact bridge.

Just a minute now.
Shuffle the cards.

Yeah. You got to
scrumble them up a bit.
You know.

Just a moment.
I'd like to
cut those cards.

That's a better.

Uh, your bid,
partner.

You pass?

Misdeal.

You pass?
I bid one spade.

I pass.
Three spades.

Four spades.

One club.

I don't understand
this kind of bidding!

Well, you don't
have to understand.

You bid four spades,
huh?

Why, I haven't
a spade in my hand!

All right.
We double.

There's something
wrong here.

I want you to
go over the bidding.

Hey, she wants to
start them up again,
the bidding.

He bids one.

One?
One what?

That's all right.
You find out.

But we have to know
what he's bidding.

We tell you later.
Now I bid two.

Two what?
Uh, two of the same
he bids.

Now, the bidding's over.

See, that's
enough bidding.

Uh, it's your lead.

Oh, no, you
can't lead that.

Why not?
Why, we can't take it.

Well, what should
I lead?

Ace.

Ace of spades.
That's very good.

Three of spades,
four of spades...

You trump it?

Uh, that's what you
call a finesse.

Oh!

No spades, partner.
No spades!

Ace of hearts.

Ace of clubs.

Dummy leads.
The dummy leads.

I'm not
the dummy!

Well, you could be.

Ace of diamonds.

100 aces, huh?

200?

That's better.

Ace of hearts.

Atta boy,
make a big slam.

Make a big,
big slam!

Ace of spades.

Ace of spades.

That's a good.
He plays a good game.

Ace of spades.
He plays a fine game,
all right.

Ace of...
I refuse to
play any longer.

You're nothing but
a couple of card sharps.
Good heavens!

What's the matter,
dear?
My shoes are gone!

Good gracious.
He has your slippers.
Come along, come along.

Hey, you take a
the lady's shoes, huh?

Hey. Quiet.

Quiet, quiet.

Hide! Hide!
Somebody's coming.

All right.
I make a mistake.
Get up, get up. Come on.

Hurry up.

Come. Hey, hurry up.
Come here.

You know what
we gotta do, eh?

We gotta take a that
picture out and put this
one upstairs for the lady.

Wait! No touch.
You got everything ready, huh?

The shovel, the ax,
the dynamite,
the pineapples?

Where's the flash?

That's a no flash.

A flash.
There's a flash. Flash.

That's a flash.
A flash.

Yeah,
that's a flash.

That's a fish!
I no want a fish.
No fish.

Flash. Aw, stop it.
You act crazy.

When you go out
in the night time,
you gotta have a the flash.

Ha! That's a no flash.
That's a flask.

Flash. When you wanna
see somebody, you gotta
have a the flash.

That's a flush.
What I gonna do
with a flush?

A flash. No flit.

It's a flits.
What am I gonna
do with a flits?

What do you got?

That's whatcha
call a flutes.

All you got is a fish,
a flutes, a flits, flutes,
flits and a flutes.

Stop this!
Where's the flash?

Look, when everything
is a light...

And you wanna
make them a dark,
what do you do?

Ah! You're crazy.
I don't want no blackjack.

That's a my mistake,
I guess.

When everything is dark,
and you wanna
make them light...

Yeah, that's a flash.
That's a flash.

Hey,
that's a good,
all right.

The storm put the lights out.
Now, nobody can see
what we do.

That's a fine.
Where is the flash?

Where's the flash?

I no want the fish!
The flash!

No, no flute! No, flute!

What's the matter
with you, eh?

Flash. Before
the people come,
get a the flash.

What's the matter?
You lose it?

Well, you gotta find it.
Look for it.

All right, all right.
Never mind. Come on.
We'll work without it.

Yes, madam.
Hide! Hide!
Somebody's coming.

Hide, hide, hide.

Quiet! Shut up!
Quiet.

Shut up. Be quiet.
I know where you are.
It's all right.

Oh, Captain Spaulding?

Captain Spaulding,
where are you?

Here. Yes,
what's the trouble?

The storm has
put the lights out,

and you can't see
your hand before
your face.

You wouldn't
get much enjoyment
out of that.

I don't know what
you're gonna do,
but I'm gonna take a nap.

Leave me a call
for 3:00.

Make it 3:30.

You certainly get
service around here.

Pardon me,
Mrs. Rittenhouse,
did you lose a fish?

What?
Well, somebody lost it.

Will you take it out
in the kitchen
and have it fried for me?

Did you hear that?

There's somebody
over there.

I say, there's
somebody over there!

Don't be silly.
The house is just settling.
That's all.

Anybody over there?
I don't
see anybody.

There you are.
If there's anybody there,
we'd see him, wouldn't I?

- Oh, what is it?
- Captain, what is it?

You know,
what I think?
I think you got roaches.

Yes, you got roaches,
all right.

And the biggest one
has got asthma.

Oh, this is terrible.
Captain,
let's get out of here.

We get a the picture.
We don't make one sound.

Hey! Somebody
put on the lights.

All right.
We get a the picture.
We don't make one sound.

Come on. Let's go.
Get out of here.

What do you want?

Oh, the fish.
Come on, come on.

Oh! That's some storm,
huh?

That's a regular tomato.

Come on.
Let's go this way.
I think it's a shortcut.

Come on, let's go.

California!

Oh, Captain, how thrilling.
And then what happened?

It was nothing at all.
I'd rather not discuss it.

But I can't wait to
hear the finish.
I must hear it.

Well, there I was.
There I was in the
top of the tree

with this rhinoceros
pointing his gun
straight at me.

A rhinoceros?
Yes.

Captain, what did you do?

What could I do?
I had to marry his daughter.

What kind of a story
do you call that?
All right, you tell one.

And now, my friends,

before we start
the musical program,

Captain Spaulding has
kindly consented to tell us
about his trip to Africa.

Captain Spaulding.
Me?

My friends,
I'm going to tell you
of that great mysterious,

wonderful continent
known as Africa.

Africa is God's country,
and he can have it.

Well, sir.

We left New York
drunk and early on
the morning of February 2.

After 15 days on the water
and six on the boat,

we finally arrived
on the shores of Africa.

We once proceeded 300 miles
into the heart of the jungle,
where I shot a polar bear.

This bear was 6' 7"
in his stocking feet
and had shoes on...

Pardon me,
just a moment, Captain.
Just a moment.

I always thought
that polar bears lived
in the frozen north.

Oh, you did. Well,
this bear was anemic,

and he couldn't stand
the cold climate.

He was a rich bear
and could afford to
go away in the winter.

You take care of your animals
and I'll take care of mine!

Frozen north, my eye.

From the day of our arrival,
we led an active life.

The first morning saw us
up at 6:00, breakfasted
and back in bed at 7:00.

This was our routine
for the first three months.

We finally got so
we were back in bed at 6:30.

One morning, I was sitting
in front of the cabin,
smoking some meat.

Smoking some meat?

Yes, there wasn't
a cigar store
in the neighborhood.

As I say,
I was sitting
in front of the cabin

when I bagged
six tigers.

Oh, Captain!
Six of them
biggest I...

Captain, did you
catch six tigers?

I bagged them.
I... I bagged them
to go away,

but they hung around
all afternoon.

They were the most
persistent tigers
I've ever seen.

The principal animals
inhabiting
the African jungle

are moose, elks
and Knights of Pythias.

Of course,
you all know
what a moose is.

That's big game.

The first day
I shot two bucks.

That was
the biggest game we had.

As I say,
you all know
what a moose is.

A moose runs around
on the floor and eats cheese
and is chased by the cats.

The elks, on the other hand,
live up in the hills.

And in the spring,
they come down
for their annual convention.

It is interesting
to watch them come
to the water hole.

And you should
see them run

when they find
it's only a water hole!

What they're looking
for is an elk-a-hole.

One morning
I shot an elephant
in my pajamas.

How he got
in my pajamas,
I don't know.

Then we tried
to remove the tusks.

The tusks.
That's not so easy
to say. Tusks.

You try that sometime.

Tusks.
Oh, simple. Tusks.

Pardon me,
my name
is Spaulding.

I've always wanted
to meet you,
Mr. Chandler.

As I say, we tried
to remove the tusks.

But they were
embedded in so firmly
that we couldn't bust them.

Of course,
in Alabama,
the Tuscaloosa.

But, uh, that's entirely
irr-elephant to what
I was talking about.

We took some pictures
of the native girls,

but they weren't developed.

But we're going
back again
in a couple of weeks.

I will...
A very enlightening
speech, Captain.

Very enlightening.
Hooray for
Captain Spaulding!

Three cheers
for Captain Spaulding!

Aw. Oh, really I...
Three cheers for
Captain Spaulding!

Three cheers...
No one asked
for the chairs!

Put them right
where you found them.

Now, go now.
Go now.
Go on, go on!

Go on with
your chairs.
Get out!

Go on, go on,
go on, you.

And, now, friends,

Signor Ravelli
will oblige us
at the piano.

Signor Ravelli.

Signor Ravelli's
first selection
will be

Somewhere My Love
Lies Sleeping
With a Male Chorus.

One, two, three, four.

One, two,
three, four.

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight,

nine, 10, 11, 12,
13, 14, 15, 16,

17, 18, 19, 20...

Say, if you get
near a song, play it.

I can't think
of the finish.

That's strange.
And I can't think
of anything else.

You know what I think?
I think I went past it.

I mean, if you
come around again,
jump off.

I once kept this up
for three days.

You wouldn't
consider hush money,
would you?

I can't get him now,
I've got to wait
for inspiration.

It's about time.

Play the song
about Montreal.

Montreal?

I'm a Dreamer,
Montreal.

I don't know that.
I'll tell you what I do.

I play one of my own
compositions

by Victor Herbert.
Make it short.

He plays
them both well.

Atta boy.

The old red team
scored that time.

So did the old
blue one.

Why do you push, huh?
Why do you push?
Oh, please, stop them.

Let them alone.
They may exterminate
each other.

Come on, come on!
The best thing that can
happen for either of them.

And once
for old Purdue.

I was
afraid of that.

Hey, I thought
I had the finish.

I wish you did.

Yours.

Play the song about
the Irish chiropodist.

Irish chiropodist?

My Fate is
in Your Hands.

Is there a horse
in the house?

They've got
everything else here.

And, uh, now,
Mrs. Rittenrotten...

Uh, Mrs. Rittenhouse.

Yes, a slight error.

I have a little
surprise for you!

The man is here
for the piano.

Oh, Captain.

No, really.
What I meant to say
was that, uh...

When I departed from
the natives in Africa,
I was presented with a gift.

And this gift
I'm going
to give to you

at a very low figure.

Oh, how wonderful,
Captain!

Well, no.
Don't be too hasty.
Oh, I just...

This is all
hand-painted.

The whole thing
was done with
the white of an egg.

Well, what is it,
Captain? What is it?

"What is it?"
you ask.

This is a hope chest
for a guinea pig.

Oh.
What is it?

This magnificent chest...

No, this...
No, this magnificent chest,

I now take great pleasure
in presenting to you
with my compliments.

Captain,
this leaves me
speechless.

Well, see that you
remain that way.

And, now,
ladies and
gentlemen...

Come outside
and say that.

If we will all adjourn
to the library,

Mrs. Rittenhouse has
another, and perhaps
greater, surprise for us.

Hmm.
This way, Captain.

Mrs. Rittenhouse,
how do you pay Hives?

By the week
or by the pound?

And now,
it is my privilege

to reveal
the masterpiece

of Francois Jacques Dubois
Gilbert Beaugard.

No trains will be sold

after the magazines
leave the depot.

After the Hunt.

There! I told you
you were a great artist.

Shall we spill
the beans now?

Let's wait a minute.
Something might happen.

Now, I'm sure, we'd all
appreciate a few words
from Mr. Chandler,

who will tell us
of the life and work
of the artist, Beaugard.

And keep it clean.

Mr. Chandler.

My friends,

I am quite sure
that you are all
familiar with Beaugard,

and this is perhaps
his masterpiece.

In it, he has achieved
the greatness

in the handling
of color and line.

Now, you will
see here that I...

Wait! This is
not my picture.

This is a rank
imitation!

What do you mean,
Mr. Chandler?

Well, here,
see for yourself!

You are right.
It is not
the Beaugard.

It certainly isn't.
There's a dog missing!

Oh, Captain Spaulding,
what shall I do?

Telephone
the dog catchers
immediately!

They have taken
the original
and left me this.

Leave it to me.
I'll throw some light
on this subject.

Has anyone a match?

What's wrong?

- Hives, Hives, where are you?
- Turn on the lights.

Mrs. Rittenhouse,
did you lose that fish again?

Oh, Captain,
I'm so worried.

Good heavens!
That one
is gone, too!

Oh, this is awful.

The crooks!
The crooks!
They are escaping.

Follow me, men!

Never mind the men,
just the women.

Oh, Captain.
Captain!

- Captain!
- Come on.

Right this way.

He went out here
someplace.

Excitement.

I never saw
anything so funny
in all my life.

It was great,
and there goes
her old party.

Good old Hives.
Wasn't it funny?

Oh, very.

Why, you're
not afraid,
are you, Hives?

Oh, no,
I'm not afraid.
Oh, dear, no.

Only, you see, well,
they were talking
of having the police here.

And I wouldn't want
the police to suspect me.

Why, they wouldn't
suspect you.

Oh, yes,
they would.

You see,
the last time
they suspected me,

I got four years.

Hives!

All right, Hives.

Give me the painting
and I'll take care of it.

Good. Come.

Good heavens!
It's gone!
Gone?

I left it in there.
There?

There must be
thieves at this party.
Oh, God!

If I'd known that,
I never would
have come.

Wait a minute.
That professor.

The professor!
I see!

Hives, that's the fellow
in the woodpile. Now, listen.

We've got to get
that picture
away from him!

Might I suggest
some of this?

What...
Oh, very satisfactory
in these cases.

A few drops
on a handkerchief

and the professor
will no longer
obstruct us.

You are sure
it'll do the trick?

Oh, absolutely.

Would you care
to try some?

No, thanks, Hives.
Let's find
the professor.

I don't see how the thief
could have gotten away.

I wonder who
it could have been.

It's a good thing
we substituted yours.

Suppose that the thief
had gotten away
with the Beaugard!

Oh, it would
be all right
if they stole mine.

Oh, darling,
I... I didn't
mean that.

But what would
mother do?

Why, it's worth
$100,000!

How could she have
replaced it?

Oh, I understand, dear.

Isn't it exciting?
Just think.

Whoever took it
was right in the room
with us!

Just like Raffles.

Oh, isn't it
romantic?

All the boys I've known

Used to say
I was made of stone

I would always
leave them alone

In despair

I've been on the pan

I've been called
an electric fan

Told I'm even much
colder than

Frigidaire

I began to wonder

If I was all wrong

I thought so
till you came along

Tell me, dear

Why am I so romantic

When you're near

Why am I so romantic

What a grand feeling

When your lips
meet mine

That certain
something comes

Stealing up and down
my spine

I don't know
what it is you do to me

You don't know half
of the good you do me

Other boys bore me

They just
leave me blue

But why am I
so romantic

With you

Tell me, dear

Why am I so romantic

When you're near

Why am I so romantic

What a grand feeling

When your lips
touch mine

That certain
something comes

Stealing up and down
my spine

When we pet
close in your arms

You hold me

I forget all that
my mother told me

Other girls bore me

They just leave me blue

But why am I so romantic

With you

Oh, Signor Ravelli.
Ah, how do you do?

I've been looking
for you all morning.

I was busy all morning,
but you could have
had me last night.

Signor Ravelli,
you've gotta put
that painting back.

Painting? Painting?
What painting?
What are you talking?

The one you
changed last night,
you remember?

Oh, you mean
the picture?
Yes.

Hey, what's
the matter for you?

First you want them
downstairs, then you
want them upstairs.

Then you want
them downstairs,
then you...

Come on,
make up your mind.

Oh, I do thank you
for what you've done.

But you've got to get
that painting back
before the police get here.

Police?
Yes!

They come here?
Yes!

Wait, I give it to you,
you put it back.
Come on, come on.

Where's the picture?
What do you mean,
"Where's the picture"?

I put him in there.
It's gone.
Somebody take him.

You take him!
Me?

No, I know.
I know.
I...

The fish peddler.
Abie, the fish peddler.

Did mother invite
a fish peddler here?

I don't know
whether she invite,
but he's here.

Come on.
We find him.

Good morning,
Mrs. Rittenhouse.

Good morning,
Mr. Jamison.

And how is
Captain Spaulding
this morning?

Oh, he had
a very bad night.

He didn't sleep
a wink.

He went horseback riding
in the middle of the night.

I'm sorry.
Yes, I know.

But we've all
been very upset.
Bad case. Yeah.

Uh, good morning,
Captain.

Did you enjoy
your ride?

What in the world
are you looking for?

I lost my horse.
Oh!

Yes, he slipped
right out from
between me.

I can't understand it.
I had my feet
in the syrups, too.

I don't know.
I don't know
how he got...

I didn't care about that,
but I lost the bit
you loaned me.

Never mind.
I'll get you
another bit.

Well, that'll be
two bits I owe you, then.

Captain, I hope you
weren't distressed

by last night's
unfortunate occurrence.

You mean
that dinner
you served?

No, the painting
that was stolen.

Was there
a painting stolen?

I haven't seen a paper
in three weeks.

Jamison, as my secretary,
why didn't you inform me
there was a painting stolen?

What do you think
I engaged you for?

But, Captain,
I didn't know it.

Well, you should
have asked me.
I didn't know it!

- Well, I'm sorry.
- You're sorry.

You're a contemptible cur!

I repeat, sir,
you're a contemptible cur!

Oh, if I were a man
you'd resent that.

Please keep quiet,
will you?

I can get along
without you, you know.

I got along without
your father, didn't I?
Yes, and your grandfather.

Yes, and your uncle!
Yes, and your uncle!

Yes, and my uncle.
Captain!

I didn't come here
to be exonerated.

I beg pardon,
Mrs. Rittenhouse.

Oh, you do, eh?

Well, I'd like
to see you crawl
out of a rumble seat.

The police
are here, madam.

Oh, the police.
Have them come in.

Oh, so, that's
your game, is it?

You can't
shut me up.

Captain.
No! You can talk
to my attorney.

Jamison?
Yes, sir.

Take a letter
to my lawyers.

I'll show you
a thing or two,
or three.

I'll show you
a thing or three.

Oh, Captain.
Sending for the police.

Take a letter
to my lawyers!

Sending for the police, eh?

I say,
take a letter
to my lawyers!

I am taking it!

Uh, read me
what you have so far.

Honorable
Charles H. Hungerdunger,

in care of Hungerdunger,
Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger,
Hungerdunger and McCormick.

Semicolon.

How do you spell
"semicolon"?

All right,
make it a comma.

Dear, Elsie...
No, never mind Elsie.

Do you want me to
scratch "Elsie"?

Well, if you enjoy
that sort of thing,
it's quite all right with me.

However, I'm not interested
in your private
affairs, Jamison.

Begin this way.
Let's start all over again.

Honorable
Charles H. Hungerdunger,

in care of Hungerdunger,
Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger,
Hungerdunger and McCormick.

Gentlemen,
question mark.

- Do you want that, uh...
- in the letter?

No, put that
in an envelope.

Now, then,

in re yours
of the fifth inst.

Yours to hand
and beg to rep.

Brackets.

That, uh,
we have gone over
the ground carefully

and we seem to believe,

I-E, to wit,
E-G, in lieu,

that, uh,
despite all our
precautionary measures

which have
been involved...

Uh...

We seem to believe
that it is hardly
necessary

for us to proceed
unless we receive
an ipso facto

that is not negligible
at this moment.

Quotes, unquotes
and quotes.

Uh, hoping
this finds you,
I beg you to remain...

Hoping this
finds him where?

Well, let him
worry about that.

Don't be
so inquisitive,
Jamison.

Sneak!

I say, hoping
this finds you,

I beg to remain,
as of June 9th,
cordially yours. Regards.

That's all, Jamison.

I'll show you
where I get off.

Sending for the police.

Now read me
the letter,
Jamison.

"Honorable Charles
H. Hungadunga..."

"Hungerdunger."

"Hunga... Hun."
"Hunga..."

"Hungerdunger."
That's it.
"Hungerdunger."

"In care of Hungerdunger,
Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger
and McCormick."

You've left out
a "Hungerdunger."

You left out
the main one, too.

Thought you could
slip one over on me, eh?

All right, leave it out
and put in a windshield
wiper instead.

I'll tell you
what you do, Jamison.
I'll tell you what.

Make it, uh, make it
three windshield wipers
and one "Hungerdunger."

They won't all be there
when the letter
arrives anyhow.

"Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger,
Hungerdunger and McCormick."

"And McCormick."

"Dear Elsie, scratch."

That won't do, Jamison.

That won't go
through the mail,
the way you got it.

The way you've got the letter,
you've got
McCormick scratching Elsie.

Now you better
turn that around and
have Elsie scratch McCormick.

And you better turn McCormick
around, too, Jamison.

And see what
you can do for me.

"Gentlemen,
question mark."

"Gentlemen,
question mark"?

Put it on the penultimate,
not on the diphthongic.

You wanna brush up
on your Greek, Jamison.

Well, get a Greek
and brush up on him.

"In re yours
of the fifth inst."
I see.

Now, you said a lot
of things here

that I didn't think
were important,

so I just
omitted them.

Well!
Hmm.

Oh, Captain!
Good gracious!

Oh, my!

So, you've just
omitted them, eh?

You've just omitted
the body of the letter,
that's all.

You've left out the body
of the letter, that's all.

Yours is not
to reason why,
Jamison!

You've left out
the body of the letter!

All right, send it that way
and tell them
the body will follow.

Do you want
the body
in brackets?

No, it'll never
get there in brackets.

Put it in a box.

Put it in a box
and mark it,
uh, "fragilly."

Mark it what?

Mark it "fragilly."
F-R-A-G...

Look it up, Jamison.
It's in the dictionary.
Look under "fragile."

Look under the table
if you don't find it there.

Uh, "Quotes,
unquotes,
and quotes."

That's three quotes?
Yes, sir.

Add another quote
and make it a gallon.

How much is it,
a gallon, Jamison?
Regards.

Regards. That's
a fine letter, Jamison.
That's an epic.

That's dandy.

Now, I want you
to make two carbon
copies of that letter

and throw
the original away.

And when you
get through with that,
throw the carbon copies away.

Just send
a stamp airmail.
And that's all.

You may go,
Jamison.
I may go, too.

Mrs. Rittenhouse?

Yes?
I'm Inspector Hennessey
from headquarters.

How do you do,
Inspector?

Let me
introduce myself.

I'm Captain Scotland
of Spaulding Yard.

No, I'm Captain Spaulding
of Scotland Yard.

Please don't make
the same mistake again.

I'm glad to know you,
Captain.

Well, I should think
you would be.

Now, then, inspector,
I think between
the two of us

we can solve the mystery
of the stolen painting.

Especially,
if you go home.

Inspector, please
don't be too hasty
about making an arrest.

I don't want
my guests embarrassed.

Don't worry.

We won't
arrest anybody.

He's lucky
if he can stay out
of jail himself.

Mr. Jamison,
would you mind taking
the inspector and his men

to the library
and showing them
the scene of the crime?

Certainly,
Mrs. Rittenhouse.

Right this way,
Inspector.

Come on, boys.

And, Jamison,
count the spoons.

Captain, I didn't know
you'd been a detective.

There's a whole lot
of things you don't know.

I suppose that's so.

You know darn well
it's so.

Where were you
on the night
of June 5, 1774?

I'm afraid
I don't know.

You bet you
don't know.
Where was I?

I don't know.

Well, I don't know, either.
And if I did know
I wouldn't tell you.

Put that
in your pipe
and smoke it.

Take a number
from one to 10.

All right.
All right.
What's the number?

Seven.
That's right.
Seven is right.

I could have done it
with one hand
if I wanted.

This is no mystery. I could
solve this in five minutes
if I wanted to worry.

Captain, I don't
want you to worry.

I don't want
anything to interfere
with your weekend.

Nothing ever
interferes with
my weekend,

and I'll thank you
not to get personal,
Mrs. Rittenhouse.

Captain.
Captain, I assure you...
Where's my secretary?

I didn't mean...
No, no. Where's
my secretary?

Jamison, Jamison?
Captain, you
misunderstood me.

Oh!
A more
dastardly crack

I've never heard.
Oh. Captain, please.

I wish I was back
in the jungle where
men are monkeys.

Captain,
I'm so sorry.
Jamison!

Jamison? No.
Oh, Captain.

Oh, dear.
No!

Good morning,
Mrs. Rittenhouse.

Good morning.

Perfectly
charming party.

I wouldn't
have missed it
for the world.

It's just full
of surprises.

So glad you're
enjoying yourself.

Oh, Hives. Hives!

Good morning.
Some breakfast?

Breakfast, nothing.
Did you get
the painting?

No, I did not.
I watched all night,

but the professor
did not sleep

in his room.
No?

Strange.
Very strange.

Good heavens, Hives!
What will we do?

I don't know.
Until we see
the professor.

You keep
an eye on him

till I get back
with the bottle.

Don't worry,
he'll not get away
from me this time.

Did you get it?
Good.
Yes, madam.

Now, I'll go ahead
and engage him
in conversation.

You'll trail behind,

and when the proper
time comes,
see that he gets it.

Very good,
madam.

Oh, hello.
I've been looking
all over for you.

Where have
you been?

What is the matter
with this?

What have
you got there,
the morning papers?

No, that isn't
the one I want.

Let me see
one of the others.

That still isn't
the one I want.

You know what I want.

Out.

Yes, out.

Never mind
the birds.

Come on up here.
Sit down. I want
to talk to you.

Don't you like me?

You don't?

Well, I like you.

I like little boys
like you.

By the way,
how old are you?

Five years old?

Why you're just a baby,
aren't you?

Oh!

Aw, isn't
that nice?
I like that.

No, no, no!

Now, all
joking aside.

Isn't there someone
you do like?

Isn't there
someone you love?

Now think again.

Isn't there
someone you really
and truly love?

Is there?

Tell me who.

Why, that's a horse.
You love a horse.

Come on.
Lift him up.

Come on, he's out.

Let us get out.

Arabella.

John, I've been
trying to find you.

Ravelli has lost
the painting.

Well, I've been looking
all over for you.

I found a painting
out on the terrace.

Was it the Beaugard?
No.

Oh, yours!
Shh.

Well, if it's not yours
and it's not the Beaugard,

whose is it?
Where did it
come from?

Oh, don't you see?
Someone else came along

and substituted it
for mine,

thinking they were
getting away with
the original Beaugard.

Somebody swiped
my scheme, eh?

Hey, then Chandler never saw
your painting after all.
No!

For all I know you may
still be a great artist.

Where is
this picture?
It's up in my room.

Well, you go get it
and I'll get
Captain Spaulding.

He'll get to
the bottom of this.

And then
John found
a third painting.

Well, that's
very interesting.

Well, fairly
interesting.

But we've just got
to keep a sharp lookout.
That's all.

Oh, I've got
to find it

or mother's
out of $100,000.

Now, don't worry.
Let me work on this case
for 24 hours,

and then we'll call in
somebody else.

You think it's
a mystery now?

Wait till you'll
see it tomorrow.

Remember
the Charley Ross
disappearance?

I worked
on that case
for 24 hours

and they never
did find him.

They couldn't find me
for five years.

That's me, Captain Yard
of Scotland Spaulding.

I always get my women.
Or paintings.

Arabella!
Can you imagine
what's happened?

You know
that painting I found?
Yes?

Well, it's been stolen
from my room.
John!

There you are.
I've been on the case
five minutes

and there's another
painting gone.

I'll bet it's not
even five minutes.

I'll bet it
not over three.

Now they've
got my watch!
This is going too far.

It wasn't going
and now it's gone.

The door to my room
was locked, too!

Well, how could
they get in?

Who could
it have been?

Wait a minute.
I think
I've got a clue.

No, it's a hair.
A red hair.

The professor?

Oh, no.
No, it couldn't be.

Well, he's been
picked this month by
the Crook of the Month Club.

Anyhow, we'll
investigate it.

You know
Conductor Hennessey,
don't you?

Inspector!
Inspector yourself.

Now, listen,
you know that little
redheaded fellow?

The professor?
Yes.

Well, get that gang
of flagpole sitters
of yours

and see if you
can find him.

Aye, aye, Captain.
Come on, boys.

He'll get
to the bottom
of this.

You'll see
how quick
these boys...

Hey, what's that punk
doing there?

They're good policemen.
Didn't take long
to find him.

That's right.
This is it.

Yeah, this is it.
But which one is it?

That's the one
that was just taken
from my room!

Well, we've got
that back.

Maybe I got
my watch back.

Now, the fob is gone.

Well, I still got
the pocket.

Anything I retain now
is velvet.

Except the coat.
That's Prince Albert.

Well, all the jokes
can't be good.

You've gotta
expect that
once in a while.

Say, if we could find
the fellow that painted
this picture,

well, we'd have
a pretty good clue.

What'd you say?
I said if we could
find the fellow

that painted
this picture, we'd have
a pretty good clue.

You just
said that!

What a dull
conversationalist
you turned out to be.

Let me see
that a minute.
Will you?

Say, this is signed
"Beaugard."

There's
the criminal,
Beaugard.

No, Beaugard
is dead!

Beaugard is dead?
Then it's murder!

Now we've got something.
What you got, Captain?

I got jacks and aces.
What do you got?

That's good.
I was bluffing.

Look at this, Ravelli.
Isn't there something

strikes you very funny
about this picture?

Oh, come, come.
It isn't as funny
as all that.

Did you ever see
a tree like that?

Tree? That's
a spinach.

That can't be spinach.
Where's the egg?

Well, it could be spinach.
Look, all the sand
laying around there.

You mean,
it's an old
spinach custom?

No, it's not that,
Ravelli.

Anything but that.
Oh. No, Cap.

That's all right.
It's my mistake.

You know
what that is?
That's coleslaw.

Coleslaw?
Yeah, it's a coleslaw.

Did you ever
see coleslaw
like that?

Sure, look
at this one.

No, I don't want one
on your lip, now.

Did you ever see
anything like that?

Did you ever see
anything like that?

You know
what this is?

This is a left-handed
painting.

Look, there's
a signature.

That's right, it's in
the right-hand corner.

That's right.
This is either
a left-handed painting

or a vegetable dinner.

Now, if we can find
the left-handed person
that painted this,

we'll have
The Trial of Mary Dugan
with sound.

Well, I saw that.
Good-bye.

Now, you wait here.
I'm gonna need you.
Now, look.

We mustn't lose this.
This is evidence.

Now, take it to your room
and leave the door open
this time. We'll try that.

And not a word
about this to anybody,
not even to me.

Ravelli, we have
got to find the
left-handed painting.

Yes, the left-handed
painter.
Now in a case like this

the first thing to do
is to find the motive.

Now, what could
have been the motive
of the guy

who has swapped
the Beaugard?

I got it!
Robbery!

Would you mind
going out and crossing
the boulevard

when the lights
are against you?

See, Cap,
sit down.

You understand,
I got an idea
how to find this painting.

In a case like this
that is so mysterious,
you gotta get at the clues.

You gotta use
the Sherlock Holmes method.

Now, you go
about it like this.

You say to yourself,
"What happened?"

And the answer come back,
"Something was stolen."

Then you say to yourself,
"What was stolen?"

And the answer
come back,
"A painting."

What are you,
a ventriloquist?

Now you say to yourself,
"Where was this
painting stolen?"

And the answer
come back,
"In this house."

Now, so far
I'm right, eh?

Well, it's pretty hard
to be wrong

if you keep
answering yourself
all the time.

Now you go a little further,
and you say to yourself,

"Who stole the painting?"

This is a very, very
important question.

Captain, you get the answer,
you've got the solution
to the whole thing.

Especially if you
find the picture.

Now you take
all the clues.

You put them together.
What do you got, eh?

A bread pudding.
No, here's what we got.

Something was stolen.

Stolen where?
In this house.
Stolen by who?

Somebody
in the house.

Now to find the painting,
you only gotta do is
go to everybody in the house

and ask them
if they took it.

You know, I could
rent you out as a decoy
for duck hunters?

You say you're gonna
go to everybody
in the house

and ask them
if they took
the painting?

Suppose nobody
in the house
took the painting.

Go to the house
next door.

That's great.

Suppose there isn't
any house next door.

Well, then of course
we gotta build one.

Well, now you're talking.
What kind of house do you
think we ought put up?

Well, I'll tell ya, Cap.

You see. My idea of a house
is something nice and small
and comfortable.

That's the way
I feel about it.

I don't want
anything elaborate.

Just a little place
that I can call home

and tell the wife
I won't be there
for dinner.

I see. You just want
a telephone booth.

No, in that case,
I'll get in touch
with Chic Sales.

Now, what do you say, Cap,
we build right about here?

Here?
Yeah, right
about here.

Oh, I'd like
something over here
if I could get it.

I don't like junior
crossing the tracks on
his way to the reform school.

I don't like junior
at all, as a matter
of fact.

All right, all right.
We got something
over there.

And believe me,
that's convenient.
That's very convenient.

Well, all you gotta do
is open the door,

step outside
and there you are.

There you are?
Yeah.

"There you
are" where?
Outside.

Well, suppose
you want to get
back in again?

You had no right
to go out.

Well, don't do
anything until I hear
from you, will you?

Say, maybe
that's the painting
down in the cellar!

That's no cellar.
That's the roof.

That's the roof?
Down there?

Yeah, you see, we keep
the roof in the basement,

so when the rain comes,
the chimney don't get wet.

I'm going out
and get X-rayed.

I'll be back
in a little while.

I may be wonderful,
but I think
you're wrong, Ravelli.

Hey, wait,
don't get up excited.
Come here.

Now, look,
here's the rooms.

Those are the rooms?
Yeah. Right,
there's the rooms.

This is your room.

This is my room
and this is
the maid's room.

Oh, I'd have to go
through your room?

Ah! That's all right.
I won't be in it.

Say, Ravelli,

you couldn't
put the maid
in your room, eh?

What makes you think
I couldn't?

Well, there's gonna be
a lot of traffic in there.
I can see that.

Well, what do you say?
You ready to sign
the lease?

Well, it's a little
premature.

I'd like to discuss it
with my husband.

Could you come back
this evening
when he is home?

Hey, you married?

Why, I've got
a girl as big
as you are.

All right,
get me one.

Don't get vulgar,
Ravelli.

Ravelli, how about
the painting?

We take care
of that, all right.

Now, I tell you
what my idea is.

I think the kitchen
should be white.

Outside green,
inside cerise
with blue...

The painting, I say.
How about the painting,
Ravelli?

All right,
what do you think I talk?
That's painting.

The kitchen white,
outside green, inside cerise.

The painting.
The painting
that was stolen.

Stolen?

Don't you remember
Mrs. Rittenhouse lost

a valuable Beaugard
painting worth $100,000?

Don't you remember that?

No, I'm a stranger
around here.
I no remember that.

What do you think I am,
one of the early settlers?

Ravelli,
don't you remember,

Mrs. Beaugard lost
a valuable Rittenhouse
painting worth $100,000?

Don't you remember that?

No, but I've seen you
someplace before.

Well, I don't know
where I was,

but I'll stay
out of there
in the future.

Hey, Cap,
it come to me
like a flash!

This painting
wasn't stolen. Huh!

You know
what happened?

This painting, Cap,
is disappear.

Vanish.
Yes, it disappear.

And you know what
make it disappear?
You'll never guess, Cap.

What do you think
make this painting
disappear, eh?

Moths! Moths eat it!
Left-handed moths.

Go away. Go away.
I'll be all right
in a minute.

Left-handed moths
ate the painting, eh?

That's my own solution.

I wish you were in it.

Left-handed moths
ate the painting.

You know, I'd buy you
a parachute if I thought
it wouldn't open.

Hey, I got
pair of shoes.

That's crazy.

Come on, let's get out
and get the reward.
We solved it.

You solved it!
The credit
is all yours.

The painting was eaten
by a left-handed moth.

Hey, I know, we did
a good day's work.

How do you feel?
Tired?
It's worth it.

Maybe you ought to lie down
for a couple of years, eh?
Well...

Why don't you just lie down
until rigor mortis sets in?

Yeah. That's nothing.
Come on, Ravelli.

I'll show you how
we get the painting.
Yeah.

We go to court
and we get out a writ
of habeas corpus.

You're gonna
get rid of what?

Oh, I should never
have started that way.
I can see that.

I say, we'll go to court
and we'll get a writ
of habeas corpus.

Yeah, scorpus,
scorpus.

Didn't you ever
see a habeas corpus?

No, but I see
Habeas Irish Rose.

Hey, it's okay.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Mr. Chandler,

why don't you go
down to the beach
with the others?

I'm sure
you'd feel better.

If I had my Beaugard,
I'm sure I'd feel better.

Oh, but we're doing
everything we can.

Mrs. Rittenhouse,
Mrs. Rittenhouse!
I have it.

The Beaugard!

Wonderful!
My Beaugard!

Wait, this is
not my Beaugard!

This is a rank imitation.
Where did you find it?

Why, in Mr. uh...

In Mr. Parker's
room, madam.

Parker!

One thing
is certain!

The man who made that,
stole the Beaugard!

Hives, find Mr. Parker
and ask him to come here.
Certainly, madam.

Wait a minute.
My men will
bring him in.

Go out and get
Mr. Parker.

Oh, what's
the matter
with this?

Well, look at here.
You've only to look
at it once to see what it is.

It is a rank nothing!

Mother, what's wrong?
I can come in without
being pulled in.

Mr. Parker, something
very mysterious
has occurred.

And I'm afraid,
you're the only one
who can explain.

I'd be only
too glad to
if I can.

Nothing mysterious
about it.

We found this
in your room.

Now, what have
you done with
the original Beaugard?

Come clean!

Come on,
out with it.

Really, I think
I would be wise...

Well, I have
nothing to say.

Except that I don't know
where the Beaugard is.

Oh, how is it
we found this
in your room?

Come on!
You better come with me.

You can't take him!

Arabella!

Sing one song

For my old Kentucky home

For my old

Kentucky home

Far away

So far away

This program is
coming to you from
the House of David.

He's either got
that suit on
upside down

or there is
no law of gravity.

Einstein or no one.
My tie!

Oh, Captain,
what shall I do?

They're going
to arrest John.

Who's going
to arrest John?
I am, Captain.

Oh, you are, eh?
Well, let me
tell you something.

The first thing
they teach you
at Scotland Yard

is never to arrest
an innocent man.

But he's
not innocent.

I'll have
to arrest him
just the same.

By all means
or nobody will
be safe here.

You can't
arrest him!

- I stole it!
- Arabella!

Don't listen to her,
Officer. I did it.

They're both lying.
I did it!

I did it with
my little hatchet.

Eh, he's crazy.
He's crazy.

I confess,
I did it.

Or maybe
nobody stole
the painting.

Maybe there was
no painting.

That's right, maybe
there was no painting.
I saw it.

Cut out
all the talk.

Who stole
the painting?

I did.

Good gracious!
What!

What in the...

What? You?

You took
the picture?

Where is it?

Oh, that's
a horse.

The Beaugard!
That is my Beaugard!

No, that isn't
your Beaugard.

Don't be ridiculous.

I paid $100,000
for this painting.

I know
what I bought.

Well, look at
the signature.

"John Parker."

Somebody changed it.

That is my Beaugard!

That is the Beaugard,
I tell you!

There it is!

Ah, but that one.

That has the color,
the depth, the soul
of the Beaugard!

Only a master could
have produced
a painting like that.

Oh, John.

You mean to tell me
that you painted that?
Yes, sir.

Why, young man,
you're a genius!
You're a genius!

I commission you
to paint a portrait
of me immediately!

Well, you better
wait until tomorrow.

I'm gonna be
busy all day.

Get it?

You better
come with me,
young fellow!

Don't take him away,
Officer.

He returned
the paintings.

Pardon me,
my name is Spaulding.

I've always wanted
to meet you.

All right.
I'll let him go
this time.

But I want to give you
some advice.

You're running around
with the wrong
kind of people.

You wanna
be a crook?

Oh, why don't
you go home?

He's got no home.

Go home
for a few nights
and stay home.

Don't you know your poor,
old mother sits there...

...sits there
night after...

...night after night.

...waiting to hear
your steps
on the stairs.

He got no stairs.

And I can see a little
light burning in...

...burning
in the window.

No, you can't.
The gas company
turned it off.

What I'm telling you
is for your own good.

And if you listen
to me...

You can't go wrong.

This may
go on for years.

Now, there's
just one thing...

I can't understand
what's delaying
that coffee pot.

Where's the cream?

Well, you certainly
surprised me!

Me, too.
I thought he had
more than that.

It's no use
giving you
any advice.

Captain,
this time I'm afraid
I'll have to take him.

Come on, here!
Come on! Come on!

Oh, what's he doing?

Oh, my dear, oh!

Hey, what's
the idea?

Jamison,
take a letter
to my lawyer!

No, no! Oh, no!

Oh, no, no!
Not... Oh.

Oh, to think
that I've got
to go so young.

Good. Come on, now.
Let's get out of here

before they all wake up.

Hurry up!
Come on, come on,
come on, come on.