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1
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Captain's log, pleasure cruiser morbillo.
2
00:00:10,401 --> 00:00:13,081
We were sailing south-southwest
on course for Havana
3
00:00:13,201 --> 00:00:15,001
when we realised something was amiss.
4
00:00:15,121 --> 00:00:17,241
Man: What's that on the horizon?
5
00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,001
But that's impossible.
6
00:00:33,201 --> 00:00:35,961
Captain: It appears
a vast expanse of seabed
7
00:00:36,081 --> 00:00:37,881
has risen beneath us in the night.
8
00:00:38,001 --> 00:00:41,161
Strange people in long robes
and diving helmets na ve come aboard
9
00:00:41,281 --> 00:00:43,401
the ship and are mingling happily
with the passengers,
10
00:00:43,521 --> 00:00:46,201
who think that we have organised this
for their amusement.
11
00:00:48,401 --> 00:00:51,441
The high priest has just won
the guoits contest
12
00:00:51,561 --> 00:00:55,361
voices whispering:
Make it happen. Make it real.
13
00:00:55,481 --> 00:00:59,201
Make it happen. Make it real.
14
00:00:59,321 --> 00:01:02,481
Make it happen. Make it real.
15
00:01:02,601 --> 00:01:04,001
Make it happen...
16
00:01:04,121 --> 00:01:06,001
Make it real...
17
00:01:06,121 --> 00:01:08,001
- Make it happen...
- Make it real...
18
00:01:11,601 --> 00:01:12,881
Adam, I still don't understand
19
00:01:13,001 --> 00:01:15,281
the thing you were telling us
about alien spaceships.
20
00:01:15,401 --> 00:01:18,521
If I was an alien,
iwouldn't be going around giving messages
21
00:01:18,641 --> 00:01:20,961
of universal peace and goodwill.
22
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:24,041
I'd say, "this is a laser blaster.
23
00:01:24,161 --> 00:01:26,961
"Prepare to die, rebel swine!"
24
00:01:27,081 --> 00:01:30,081
I'd say that, too,
if I was an alien in a flying saucer.
25
00:01:30,201 --> 00:01:31,921
Or, "exterminate!"
26
00:01:32,041 --> 00:01:34,041
Obviously, the aliens used to do that.
27
00:01:34,161 --> 00:01:36,641
Now they give messages of global peace
and cosmic Harmony,
28
00:01:36,761 --> 00:01:38,761
- and the government hushes it all up.
- Why?
29
00:01:38,881 --> 00:01:41,481
It's what they do.
They hush up aliens and nuclear reactors,
30
00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:43,601
and the people from Tibet
who have secret tunnels
31
00:01:43,721 --> 00:01:45,721
and are listening to everything we say.
32
00:01:45,841 --> 00:01:48,121
Adam, I don't think this stuff is,
33
00:01:48,241 --> 00:01:49,601
you know...
34
00:01:49,721 --> 00:01:50,721
Real.
35
00:01:53,641 --> 00:01:55,441
Things on the Internet can be made up.
36
00:01:55,561 --> 00:01:57,041
This is magazines.
37
00:01:57,161 --> 00:01:59,641
Of course it's real,
just like the city of Atlantis.
38
00:01:59,761 --> 00:02:01,721
Actually,
I don't think Atlantis is a thing.
39
00:02:01,841 --> 00:02:03,481
It's under the sea.
And people live there.
40
00:02:03,601 --> 00:02:04,921
How can they breathe?
41
00:02:05,041 --> 00:02:06,601
I bet they wear diving helmets.
42
00:02:06,721 --> 00:02:08,721
- Adam: That's right.
- Do you believe that's true?
43
00:02:08,761 --> 00:02:11,481
Of course it's true. What I say is true.
44
00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:20,641
TV news anchor: That's not the only news
we 're hearing from the ocean.
45
00:02:20,761 --> 00:02:24,601
Some initial reports claim
that the land that's risen in the Atlantic
46
00:02:24,721 --> 00:02:26,761
is the sunken continent of a tlantis.
47
00:02:26,881 --> 00:02:29,601
This photograph of so-called a tlanteans
48
00:02:29,721 --> 00:02:32,281
has been posted by passengers
on a holiday cruise ship.
49
00:02:32,401 --> 00:02:34,841
Strange times indeed.
50
00:04:08,801 --> 00:04:09,801
Hmm.
51
00:04:15,881 --> 00:04:17,961
- It's me.
- I know it's you, aziraphale.
52
00:04:18,081 --> 00:04:22,041
Oh, yes, right. Look,
we need to get word upstairs to the...
53
00:04:22,161 --> 00:04:24,121
To the... to the big boss.
54
00:04:24,241 --> 00:04:26,281
There... there's been prophecies.
55
00:04:26,401 --> 00:04:28,521
What's in human prophecies
that matters to us?
56
00:04:28,641 --> 00:04:32,121
Well, er, the kraken wakes
and rises from the sea floor.
57
00:04:32,241 --> 00:04:34,561
So does Atlantis.
And the rainforests return.
58
00:04:34,681 --> 00:04:36,561
And that's just for starters.
59
00:04:36,681 --> 00:04:38,081
Armageddon is coming,
60
00:04:38,201 --> 00:04:40,881
and I'm fairly certain it starts today.
Just after teatime.
61
00:04:41,001 --> 00:04:43,001
Exactly. Right on schedule.
What's your point?
62
00:04:43,121 --> 00:04:45,361
Look, will you please stop,
just for a minute? Please.
63
00:04:51,521 --> 00:04:53,241
- Well?
- I just...
64
00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:55,321
I just thought
there was something we could do.
65
00:04:55,441 --> 00:04:57,921
There is. We can fight. And we can win.
66
00:04:58,041 --> 00:04:59,561
But there doesn't have to be a war.
67
00:04:59,681 --> 00:05:02,601
Of course there does.
Otherwise, how would we win it?
68
00:05:03,801 --> 00:05:06,401
Now, look, wrap up whatever
you need to wrap up down here.
69
00:05:06,521 --> 00:05:09,401
Report back to active service and...
70
00:05:11,801 --> 00:05:13,761
Lose the gut.
71
00:05:13,881 --> 00:05:14,921
Come on.
72
00:05:15,041 --> 00:05:17,281
You're a lean, mean fighting machine!
73
00:05:17,401 --> 00:05:18,921
What are ya?
74
00:05:23,601 --> 00:05:25,121
I'm soft.
75
00:05:27,681 --> 00:05:29,657
Almost forgot. According to our records,
76
00:05:29,681 --> 00:05:32,121
you were issued a flaming sword?
77
00:05:32,241 --> 00:05:33,761
You didn't lose that?
78
00:05:33,881 --> 00:05:36,201
What, like I...
79
00:05:36,321 --> 00:05:39,441
I'd just give it away... or something?
80
00:05:46,401 --> 00:05:48,401
Voice of god:
Two items have been delivered
81
00:05:48,521 --> 00:05:50,641
two horsemen are preparing to ride.
82
00:05:50,761 --> 00:05:53,681
The last two deliveries
still need to be made.
83
00:05:54,801 --> 00:05:55,961
Leslie.
84
00:05:56,081 --> 00:05:58,081
- Come back to bed.
- I can't, love.
85
00:05:58,201 --> 00:05:59,521
I've got deliveries to make.
86
00:05:59,641 --> 00:06:01,921
On a Saturday morning?
87
00:06:02,041 --> 00:06:04,601
Well, at least it's local.
Two jobs and I'm done.
88
00:06:04,721 --> 00:06:06,001
Maud: Leslie...!
89
00:06:06,121 --> 00:06:07,801
Who are these deliveries for?
90
00:06:07,921 --> 00:06:09,681
I don't know, love.
91
00:06:09,801 --> 00:06:11,361
Someone important.
92
00:06:11,481 --> 00:06:14,161
Head office said the job was booked
about 6,000 years ago.
93
00:06:14,281 --> 00:06:17,161
- They were joking.
- Well, the company's only 80 years old.
94
00:06:17,281 --> 00:06:18,801
But I saw the paperwork.
95
00:06:18,921 --> 00:06:20,361
Anyway,
96
00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:23,841
ours is not to reason why.
97
00:06:23,961 --> 00:06:25,121
Ours...
98
00:06:26,401 --> 00:06:28,521
Is to deliver packages.
99
00:06:28,641 --> 00:06:30,361
I love you...
100
00:06:31,601 --> 00:06:32,601
Tiger.
101
00:06:32,641 --> 00:06:34,641
I love you, maud.
102
00:06:49,121 --> 00:06:50,641
I may be out of line here,
103
00:06:50,761 --> 00:06:53,681
but I've been following up
on aziraphale's comments
104
00:06:53,801 --> 00:06:55,401
during our last meeting.
105
00:06:57,201 --> 00:07:00,881
I went back through
the earth observation files.
106
00:07:06,001 --> 00:07:09,001
I'm sure there's
a perfectly innocent explanation.
107
00:07:09,121 --> 00:07:12,441
'Course. Would you have any objection
to me following this up
108
00:07:12,561 --> 00:07:13,761
using back channels?
109
00:07:13,881 --> 00:07:15,561
There are no back channels, Michael.
110
00:07:28,041 --> 00:07:29,921
Michael: It's me.
111
00:07:30,041 --> 00:07:31,321
It's our man aziraphale.
112
00:07:31,441 --> 00:07:33,761
Is there any possibility
he's working for you?
113
00:07:36,761 --> 00:07:41,241
Well, then, you might want to investigate
the activities of the demon crowley.
114
00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:44,721
Might be playing his own game.
Word to the wise.
115
00:07:46,321 --> 00:07:49,521
No, I'm... I'm telling you,
you can't trust him.
116
00:07:54,521 --> 00:07:56,401
Of course you can trust me.
117
00:07:57,401 --> 00:07:58,841
I'm an angel.
118
00:08:06,001 --> 00:08:09,721
Crowley, crowley, crowley...
119
00:08:12,441 --> 00:08:14,921
What have you been playing at?
120
00:08:20,361 --> 00:08:22,561
Crowley: Where should I go?
121
00:08:25,921 --> 00:08:27,681
England's out.
122
00:08:30,361 --> 00:08:32,441
America's out.
123
00:08:32,561 --> 00:08:38,401
Atlantis? Didn't exist yesterday.
It exists today. Still out.
124
00:08:41,241 --> 00:08:42,881
The moon.
125
00:08:43,001 --> 00:08:45,641
No atmosphere. No nightlife.
126
00:08:45,761 --> 00:08:48,361
Alpha centauri.
127
00:08:49,641 --> 00:08:51,881
That's always nice this time of year.
128
00:08:53,121 --> 00:08:54,601
Beautiful nebula.
129
00:08:54,721 --> 00:08:56,321
Look at that.
130
00:08:57,441 --> 00:08:58,841
I helped build that one.
131
00:09:00,321 --> 00:09:02,521
I only ever asked questions.
132
00:09:04,201 --> 00:09:06,801
That's all it took to be a demon
in the old days.
133
00:09:06,921 --> 00:09:08,161
Great plan?
134
00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:09,761
God, you listening?
135
00:09:09,881 --> 00:09:11,761
Show me a great plan.
136
00:09:14,561 --> 00:09:16,441
Ok, I know, you're testing them.
137
00:09:16,561 --> 00:09:19,121
You said you were going
to be testing them.
138
00:09:19,241 --> 00:09:21,881
But you shouldn't test them
to destruction.
139
00:09:25,201 --> 00:09:26,601
Not to the end of the world.
140
00:09:53,441 --> 00:09:55,281
Shouldn't be allowed.
141
00:09:55,401 --> 00:09:56,841
Bloody lorries.
142
00:09:58,521 --> 00:10:00,961
No respect for other road users.
143
00:10:02,921 --> 00:10:05,841
Voice of god: [N the old days,
and it wasn't that long ago, really,
144
00:10:05,961 --> 00:10:07,961
there was an angler
every dozen yards,
145
00:10:08,081 --> 00:10:09,521
children played here,
146
00:10:09,641 --> 00:10:11,401
courting couples came here to hold hands
147
00:10:11,521 --> 00:10:14,201
and to get all lovey-dovey
in the Sussex sunset.
148
00:10:14,321 --> 00:10:17,641
He did that with maud
before they were married.
149
00:10:17,761 --> 00:10:19,361
They came here to spoon
150
00:10:19,481 --> 00:10:22,521
and on one memorable occasion, fork.
151
00:10:24,761 --> 00:10:26,121
Party by the name of chalky, sir?
152
00:10:27,281 --> 00:10:29,041
Look at that river.
153
00:10:29,161 --> 00:10:32,201
Leslie: Yes, sir. It's the pollution.
154
00:10:32,321 --> 00:10:34,241
Progress, you could call it.
155
00:10:34,361 --> 00:10:38,761
It's just so... damn beautiful.
156
00:10:38,881 --> 00:10:41,481
It's a funny old world, though, isn't it?
And no mistake.
157
00:10:41,601 --> 00:10:44,721
I mean,
you go all over the world delivering,
158
00:10:44,841 --> 00:10:47,081
and then you wind up
practically in your own backyard,
159
00:10:47,201 --> 00:10:49,561
so to speak. I've been to Africa,
160
00:10:49,681 --> 00:10:51,201
and des moines.
161
00:10:51,321 --> 00:10:52,321
That's in america, sir.
162
00:10:52,361 --> 00:10:53,721
And now, here I am.
163
00:10:53,841 --> 00:10:55,121
And here's your parcel, sir.
164
00:10:55,241 --> 00:10:56,401
You have to sign for it.
165
00:10:56,521 --> 00:10:58,041
There you go.
166
00:10:58,161 --> 00:11:00,161
Red sky in the morning,
Shepherd's warning.
167
00:11:00,281 --> 00:11:02,241
Or is it sailor's warning?
168
00:11:02,361 --> 00:11:04,521
Everybody's warning.
169
00:11:04,641 --> 00:11:06,521
Voice of god:
The third of the four horsemen
170
00:11:06,641 --> 00:11:09,201
took over when pestilence retired.
171
00:11:09,321 --> 00:11:10,561
Erm...
172
00:11:10,681 --> 00:11:13,081
Voice of god:
They've had lots of interesting jobs
173
00:11:13,201 --> 00:11:15,481
in lots of interesting places.
174
00:11:15,601 --> 00:11:19,481
Helped design the petrol engine,
plastics and hi-tech weedkillers.
175
00:11:19,601 --> 00:11:23,041
They've killed as many people
as famine or as war.
176
00:11:23,161 --> 00:11:25,201
This is pollution.
177
00:12:47,921 --> 00:12:49,681
That one nearly had me.
178
00:12:54,521 --> 00:12:56,881
Death: I'm afraid so.
179
00:13:00,961 --> 00:13:02,641
I've got a message for you, sir.
180
00:13:04,121 --> 00:13:05,241
It's not a package.
181
00:13:06,201 --> 00:13:07,361
It's a message.
182
00:13:07,481 --> 00:13:09,081
Deliver it, then.
183
00:13:09,201 --> 00:13:11,001
It's just this.
184
00:13:13,441 --> 00:13:14,641
"Come and see."
185
00:13:14,761 --> 00:13:16,801
Finally!
186
00:13:16,921 --> 00:13:18,441
What does it mean, sir?
187
00:13:18,561 --> 00:13:20,601
It's a call to action.
188
00:13:20,721 --> 00:13:22,601
War and famine.
189
00:13:22,721 --> 00:13:27,441
Pollution and death. Today, we ride.
190
00:13:27,561 --> 00:13:29,481
Now, don't think of it as dying.
191
00:13:29,601 --> 00:13:33,161
Think of it as leaving early
to avoid the rush.
192
00:13:45,201 --> 00:13:47,081
Have you got any more
of the newaguarians?
193
00:13:47,201 --> 00:13:49,081
Cos... we need to know everything.
194
00:13:49,201 --> 00:13:51,641
You read the ones I gave you already?
195
00:13:51,761 --> 00:13:54,001
Yeah, sure. Hold on.
196
00:13:56,081 --> 00:13:58,361
Do you kids want some candy?
197
00:13:58,481 --> 00:13:59,481
It's chocolate.
198
00:14:01,041 --> 00:14:05,161
- We don't take sweets from...
- Witches.
199
00:14:06,201 --> 00:14:07,641
I do.
200
00:14:08,921 --> 00:14:11,177
Man on radio: And he's back on the line
to James naughtie.
201
00:14:11,201 --> 00:14:13,361
Second man on radio:
So, could what happened
202
00:14:13,481 --> 00:14:16,361
at turning point nuclear power station
be terrorist activity?
203
00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:17,961
Third man on radio: Couldbe/
204
00:14:18,081 --> 00:14:20,561
all we need to do is find
some terrorists capable of remo ving
205
00:14:20,681 --> 00:14:23,561
an entire nuclear reactor
while it's still running
206
00:14:23,681 --> 00:14:25,481
without anyone noticing.
207
00:14:25,601 --> 00:14:29,761
Secon d man: How can it still be producing
electricity if it hasn't got any reactors?
208
00:14:29,881 --> 00:14:31,081
Third man: We don't know that.
209
00:14:31,201 --> 00:14:34,561
We were hoping you clever buggers
at the BBC would have an idea.
210
00:14:37,201 --> 00:14:38,201
Attention!
211
00:14:39,881 --> 00:14:40,961
This is our country.
212
00:14:41,081 --> 00:14:42,601
It's under our protection.
213
00:14:42,721 --> 00:14:43,801
Wish I was going with you.
214
00:14:43,921 --> 00:14:46,441
I'm too old now.
215
00:14:46,561 --> 00:14:49,721
No more lying in the bracken,
spying on their evil ways.
216
00:14:49,841 --> 00:14:52,961
It's all up to you now,
witchfinder private pulsifer.
217
00:14:53,081 --> 00:14:56,041
Find this Adam young
and keep an eye on him.
218
00:14:56,161 --> 00:14:57,641
Shouldn't there be a few more of us
219
00:14:57,761 --> 00:15:00,721
if we're protecting the entire country
from witches?
220
00:15:00,841 --> 00:15:03,961
Nobody said it would be easy,
private pulsifer.
221
00:15:04,081 --> 00:15:05,681
Here. Put this on.
222
00:15:14,201 --> 00:15:16,641
Pendulum of discovery.
223
00:15:16,761 --> 00:15:18,961
Pendulum of discovery.
224
00:15:19,081 --> 00:15:20,481
Thumbscrews.
225
00:15:20,601 --> 00:15:22,281
- Oh, I-I don't think I'll...
- Thumbscrew!
226
00:15:22,401 --> 00:15:23,641
Thumbscrew.
227
00:15:23,761 --> 00:15:24,761
Firelighters.
228
00:15:24,881 --> 00:15:26,961
I'm not actually prepared to burn anyone.
229
00:15:27,081 --> 00:15:28,881
- Firelighters!
- Firelighters.
230
00:15:29,001 --> 00:15:30,481
- Bell.
- Bell.
231
00:15:30,601 --> 00:15:32,921
- Book.
- Book.
232
00:15:33,041 --> 00:15:34,081
And candle.
233
00:15:34,201 --> 00:15:36,481
Bell. Book. Candle.
234
00:15:36,601 --> 00:15:37,601
What are they for?
235
00:15:37,721 --> 00:15:40,001
You might have to exorcise a demon.
236
00:15:40,121 --> 00:15:41,761
How do I do that?
237
00:15:41,881 --> 00:15:43,801
Ring the bell.
238
00:15:43,921 --> 00:15:45,001
Light the candle.
239
00:15:45,121 --> 00:15:46,361
Read the book?
240
00:15:46,481 --> 00:15:48,001
There'll be no time for light reading
241
00:15:48,121 --> 00:15:50,641
when you're under demonic attack, laddie.
242
00:15:51,761 --> 00:15:53,921
And finally...
243
00:15:54,041 --> 00:15:55,361
Pin.
244
00:15:56,841 --> 00:15:57,961
Pin?
245
00:15:58,081 --> 00:16:01,641
Aye. It's the bayonet
in your army of light.
246
00:16:03,321 --> 00:16:05,001
Right.
247
00:16:05,121 --> 00:16:06,961
Well, off to tadfield, then.
248
00:16:07,081 --> 00:16:09,601
Off you go, witchfinder private pulsifer.
249
00:16:09,721 --> 00:16:12,921
And may the armies of glory
march beside you.
250
00:16:24,761 --> 00:16:27,441
Voice of god:
The world was changing.
251
00:16:27,561 --> 00:16:30,561
Whatadam believed was true
was beginning to happen in reality.
252
00:17:15,161 --> 00:17:17,081
Morning, sir, madam or neuter.
253
00:17:17,201 --> 00:17:21,001
- This your planet, is it?
- Yes, I suppose so.
254
00:17:21,121 --> 00:17:23,361
- Had it long, have we?
- Not personally.
255
00:17:23,481 --> 00:17:27,001
As a species,
about half a million years, I think.
256
00:17:27,121 --> 00:17:30,201
Been letting the old acid rain build up,
haven't we, sir?
257
00:17:30,321 --> 00:17:33,921
Been letting ourselves go
with the old hydrocarbons, perhaps?
258
00:17:34,041 --> 00:17:35,041
Sorry?
259
00:17:35,081 --> 00:17:37,721
Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you, sir,
but your polar ice caps
260
00:17:37,841 --> 00:17:40,881
are significantly below regulation size
for a planet of this category, sir.
261
00:17:41,001 --> 00:17:43,361
We'll overlook it on this occasion.
262
00:17:43,481 --> 00:17:47,081
The fact is, sir, we've been asked
to bring you a message.
263
00:17:47,201 --> 00:17:48,641
Oh? Me?
264
00:17:48,761 --> 00:17:51,321
Message runs, "we bring you
a message of universal peace,
265
00:17:51,441 --> 00:17:53,841
"cosmic Harmony and suchlike."
266
00:17:53,961 --> 00:17:55,241
Message ends.
267
00:17:55,361 --> 00:17:57,641
Oh. That's very kind.
268
00:17:57,761 --> 00:18:00,801
Have you any idea why we've been asked
to bring you this message, sir?
269
00:18:00,921 --> 00:18:05,321
I suppose what with man's harnessing
of the atom and, er...
270
00:18:05,441 --> 00:18:06,961
Neither have we, sir.
271
00:18:07,081 --> 00:18:08,961
Neither have we.
272
00:18:10,121 --> 00:18:11,121
You what?
273
00:18:11,201 --> 00:18:14,121
Pulsifer: [ Just got pulled over
by aliens.
274
00:18:14,241 --> 00:18:16,041
Did you count their nipples?
275
00:18:16,161 --> 00:18:17,961
- I didn't think...
- You're a witchfinder,
276
00:18:18,081 --> 00:18:19,321
not an alien finder.
277
00:18:19,441 --> 00:18:22,081
But I'll make a note of it.
278
00:18:23,841 --> 00:18:27,041
I don't know if this is
in your newaguarian magazines,
279
00:18:27,161 --> 00:18:30,401
but I was thinking
we ought to save the whales.
280
00:18:30,521 --> 00:18:32,761
Whales can sing, actually.
281
00:18:32,881 --> 00:18:34,481
And they have very big brains.
282
00:18:34,601 --> 00:18:36,401
And there's hardly any of them left.
283
00:18:36,521 --> 00:18:38,201
If they're so clever,
284
00:18:38,321 --> 00:18:40,321
what are they doing in the sea all day?
285
00:18:40,441 --> 00:18:44,241
Just swimming and eating things
286
00:18:44,361 --> 00:18:45,361
and singing and...
287
00:18:45,441 --> 00:18:47,001
Oh, my god, I want to be a whale.
288
00:18:47,121 --> 00:18:48,241
Right.
289
00:18:48,361 --> 00:18:49,681
We'll save the whales, then.
290
00:18:49,801 --> 00:18:50,961
All of them.
291
00:18:51,081 --> 00:18:53,641
Voice of god:
This is not a whaling ship.
292
00:18:53,761 --> 00:18:56,041
This is a scientific research ship.
293
00:18:56,161 --> 00:18:59,481
Currently, what it is researching
is the question,
294
00:18:59,601 --> 00:19:01,201
how many whales
can it catch in a week?
295
00:19:01,321 --> 00:19:04,401
They see no whales on the radar,
no tuna,
296
00:19:04,521 --> 00:19:05,617
nothing bigger than an anchovy.
297
00:19:05,641 --> 00:19:08,761
And now, the sea bottom
appears to be dropping.
298
00:19:18,921 --> 00:19:21,601
Voice of god:
Beneath the thunders of the upper deep,
299
00:19:21,721 --> 00:19:23,761
far, far beneath in the abyssal sea,
300
00:19:23,881 --> 00:19:25,321
the kraken sleepeth.
301
00:19:25,441 --> 00:19:28,521
And now it's waking up.
302
00:19:30,441 --> 00:19:33,721
TV n ews anchor: Scientists have pronounced
themselves baffled by the appearance
303
00:19:33,841 --> 00:19:35,361
of the enormous sea creature,
304
00:19:35,481 --> 00:19:38,361
which the Internet has begun
to refer to as the kraken,
305
00:19:38,481 --> 00:19:40,761
- after the sea beast of legend.
- What?!
306
00:19:40,881 --> 00:19:42,961
It appears to be targeting whaling ships,
307
00:19:43,081 --> 00:19:47,121
according to a spokesman
for the Japanese government.
308
00:19:47,241 --> 00:19:50,281
Voice of god: And a million Sushi dinners
cry out for vengeance.
309
00:20:02,641 --> 00:20:05,801
I've been thinking... about crowley.
310
00:20:06,921 --> 00:20:08,041
Something's not right.
311
00:20:08,161 --> 00:20:09,441
Oh, look at this.
312
00:20:09,561 --> 00:20:11,697
I'm meant to be getting ready
to go to megiddo to meet the boy.
313
00:20:11,721 --> 00:20:13,801
I should be leaving now.
314
00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:15,537
Instead, I'm standing here with a bucket,
315
00:20:15,561 --> 00:20:17,761
waiting for maintenance
to come fix another bloody pipe.
316
00:20:18,481 --> 00:20:19,481
So, crowley.
317
00:20:19,601 --> 00:20:21,161
What's mr slick done now?
318
00:20:21,281 --> 00:20:22,801
I'm not sure.
319
00:20:22,921 --> 00:20:24,601
But I know it's nothing good.
320
00:20:24,721 --> 00:20:27,481
Oh. Well, that's all right, then.
He's not meant to do good.
321
00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:29,121
Figure of speech.
322
00:20:29,241 --> 00:20:30,441
Nothing bad, then.
323
00:20:30,561 --> 00:20:32,081
Nothing bad?
324
00:20:34,841 --> 00:20:35,841
He's not in trouble?
325
00:20:35,921 --> 00:20:37,641
He's definitely in trouble.
326
00:20:37,761 --> 00:20:39,001
Or he will be.
327
00:20:39,121 --> 00:20:40,241
We going in?
328
00:20:40,361 --> 00:20:41,841
Not yet. We need proof.
329
00:20:41,961 --> 00:20:44,921
But once we've got it, he's toast.
330
00:20:46,161 --> 00:20:47,401
And that's going to hurt.
331
00:20:48,761 --> 00:20:49,801
What, being toasted?
332
00:20:49,921 --> 00:20:51,121
Oh, yeah.
333
00:20:51,241 --> 00:20:53,121
Right. Toast.
334
00:20:54,321 --> 00:20:56,441
Back to armageddon, then.
335
00:20:58,961 --> 00:21:00,761
Look at that!
336
00:21:45,481 --> 00:21:48,601
Agn es: When Robin's blue chariot
inverted be,
337
00:21:48,721 --> 00:21:50,561
three wheels in the sky,
338
00:21:50,681 --> 00:21:53,241
a man with bruises be upon your bed,
339
00:21:53,361 --> 00:21:55,921
aching his head for Willow fine.
340
00:22:02,681 --> 00:22:05,401
He's hurt.
Come on, we should do something.
341
00:22:05,521 --> 00:22:07,961
Brian: We should get him away
from the car. It might blow up.
342
00:22:08,081 --> 00:22:09,121
They do that on telly.
343
00:22:10,201 --> 00:22:11,601
Dick turpin won't blow up.
344
00:22:11,721 --> 00:22:14,241
And you're probably wondering
why it's called dick turpin.
345
00:22:14,361 --> 00:22:15,801
Well...
346
00:22:31,761 --> 00:22:33,337
Demon:
The four horsemen of the apocalypse
347
00:22:33,361 --> 00:22:34,377
will ride over the plain to us,
348
00:22:34,401 --> 00:22:36,721
and then our forces...
349
00:22:36,841 --> 00:22:38,921
I thought the forces of darkness
was a bit long,
350
00:22:39,041 --> 00:22:41,801
so I'm calling us darkforce one.
351
00:22:41,921 --> 00:22:43,961
We rise up, pushing through the earth,
352
00:22:44,081 --> 00:22:46,161
while our opposition descend from above.
353
00:22:46,281 --> 00:22:48,001
This is armageddon.
354
00:22:48,121 --> 00:22:49,641
This is where the world will end.
355
00:22:49,761 --> 00:22:51,337
Demon:
Well, that's the Greek name for it.
356
00:22:51,361 --> 00:22:53,041
Technically, "the fields of megiddo".
357
00:22:54,321 --> 00:22:56,481
Yeah. Archaeological excavations
over there,
358
00:22:56,601 --> 00:22:57,761
avocado fields that way.
359
00:23:00,041 --> 00:23:02,561
- They grow avocados here?
- Yes.
360
00:23:02,681 --> 00:23:04,601
We have a joke. We say...
361
00:23:06,841 --> 00:23:08,881
"It's going to be one big avocado."
362
00:23:14,361 --> 00:23:17,161
I, er... I don't like jokes.
363
00:23:17,281 --> 00:23:18,721
I don't do jokes.
364
00:23:18,841 --> 00:23:21,601
And when people do jokes
in my presence,
365
00:23:21,721 --> 00:23:24,841
they rapidly find themselves
swallowing their tongues.
366
00:23:24,961 --> 00:23:27,121
No, I tell a lie.
367
00:23:27,241 --> 00:23:30,081
It's mostly me
that swallows their tongues.
368
00:23:37,561 --> 00:23:42,641
So, what time do the boy
and the hell-hound get here?
369
00:23:42,761 --> 00:23:44,641
About 20 minutes.
370
00:23:44,761 --> 00:23:47,137
The ambassador's here for a photo op
with the ruins of the temple.
371
00:23:47,161 --> 00:23:48,681
And when they arrive,
372
00:23:48,801 --> 00:23:51,081
our master's son will come into his own.
373
00:23:51,201 --> 00:23:52,721
A photo op?
374
00:23:52,841 --> 00:23:54,481
What's... what's... what's a photo op?
375
00:23:54,601 --> 00:23:56,441
Is it... is it anotherjoke?
376
00:23:56,561 --> 00:23:58,161
No, your disgrace. It's...
377
00:24:00,121 --> 00:24:01,601
Well, you know what a selfie is.
378
00:24:04,481 --> 00:24:07,881
I believe the demon crowley invented them.
379
00:24:24,441 --> 00:24:26,481
When all is ready,
380
00:24:26,601 --> 00:24:28,681
the boy and the dog
381
00:24:28,801 --> 00:24:32,681
and the four horsemen will converge here.
382
00:24:33,761 --> 00:24:35,161
And the boy will give the word
383
00:24:35,281 --> 00:24:37,361
and armageddon will begin.
384
00:24:40,481 --> 00:24:41,881
One...
385
00:24:42,001 --> 00:24:44,361
One big avocado.
386
00:24:59,761 --> 00:25:02,681
Adam: Anathema, we found a man!
387
00:25:05,881 --> 00:25:08,961
- He was in a car accident.
- I know. Come in.
388
00:25:10,401 --> 00:25:12,361
Let's get him upstairs.
389
00:25:26,641 --> 00:25:28,881
It's almost like you were expecting him.
390
00:25:29,001 --> 00:25:30,241
Anath ema: I was.
391
00:25:30,361 --> 00:25:32,801
I was hoping he wouldn't come.
392
00:25:32,921 --> 00:25:36,041
If he didn't turn up,
maybe none of it was real.
393
00:25:36,161 --> 00:25:37,161
But if he's here...
394
00:25:37,281 --> 00:25:38,801
Then the beast is real.
395
00:25:38,921 --> 00:25:40,401
Pepper: You mean dog?
396
00:25:40,521 --> 00:25:43,721
Anathema: No. It's nothing.
397
00:25:43,841 --> 00:25:46,201
Nothing you kids need to worry about,
anyway.
398
00:25:46,321 --> 00:25:48,441
Hey, do you guys want some sandwiches?
399
00:25:48,561 --> 00:25:51,121
Wensleydale: I have
a very nutritious lunch waiting at home.
400
00:25:51,241 --> 00:25:53,561
My mother likes me to come home
with an appetite.
401
00:25:53,681 --> 00:25:57,001
Voices whisper: Make it happen.
Make it real.
402
00:25:57,121 --> 00:26:01,801
Make it happen. Make it real.
Make it happen...
403
00:26:01,921 --> 00:26:04,001
Bye, anathema.
404
00:26:05,121 --> 00:26:06,121
You coming, Adam?
405
00:26:06,201 --> 00:26:07,801
I didn't say you could go.
406
00:26:11,681 --> 00:26:13,281
See you after lunch.
407
00:26:15,041 --> 00:26:18,201
- Brian: Adam's different.
- Pepper: Don't be wet.
408
00:26:18,321 --> 00:26:20,841
Wensleydale:
Actually, that's why we like him.
409
00:26:20,961 --> 00:26:22,041
He's not boring.
410
00:26:22,161 --> 00:26:24,561
Brian: Oh, you know whatl mean.
You must do.
411
00:26:24,681 --> 00:26:25,841
Pepper: He's Adam!
412
00:26:25,961 --> 00:26:28,681
He comes up with all the best games
and all the best ideas.
413
00:26:28,801 --> 00:26:31,561
Brian: Yeah, but something's changed.
414
00:26:31,681 --> 00:26:34,001
He's not the same any more.
415
00:26:34,121 --> 00:26:37,321
Can I say something stupid
without you thinking it's stupid?
416
00:26:37,441 --> 00:26:41,121
I was scared
he wouldn't let us go just then.
417
00:26:41,241 --> 00:26:42,521
That's stupid.
418
00:26:42,641 --> 00:26:44,481
Wensleydale: Actually, I felt that, too.
419
00:27:34,521 --> 00:27:36,377
Honey, I'm still not clear
on what we're doing here.
420
00:27:36,401 --> 00:27:38,361
This is life as a diplomat.
421
00:27:38,481 --> 00:27:42,521
One moment you're in London,
the next we're familially interfacing
422
00:27:42,641 --> 00:27:44,321
with Israeli archaeological sites
423
00:27:44,441 --> 00:27:47,641
- on a historical fact-finding vacation.
- But it doesn't make any sense.
424
00:27:47,761 --> 00:27:49,377
You don't argue with the state department,
hon.
425
00:27:49,401 --> 00:27:52,601
Is this because I said
the president's wife looked like a floozy?
426
00:27:52,721 --> 00:27:53,881
Because I never said that.
427
00:27:56,001 --> 00:27:59,561
And this is our local guide
to the archaeological site of megiddo.
428
00:28:00,921 --> 00:28:02,441
Mister...
429
00:28:02,561 --> 00:28:04,561
I'm hastur... la vista.
430
00:28:04,681 --> 00:28:06,201
I'm an archaeologist.
431
00:28:06,321 --> 00:28:08,241
Which one of you is the ambassador?
432
00:28:08,361 --> 00:28:10,201
Thaddeus dowling, at your service.
433
00:28:10,321 --> 00:28:13,401
- My wife, Harriet.
- An honour.
434
00:28:15,321 --> 00:28:18,401
You must be warlock.
435
00:28:18,521 --> 00:28:20,201
You smell like poo.
436
00:28:21,681 --> 00:28:22,801
Funny boy.
437
00:28:22,921 --> 00:28:24,681
Always love a good joke, me.
438
00:28:24,801 --> 00:28:27,401
I've heard a lot about you.
439
00:28:28,881 --> 00:28:30,977
- Where's the dog?
- Thaddeus: So, professor la vista,
440
00:28:31,001 --> 00:28:32,321
I understood from our briefing
441
00:28:32,441 --> 00:28:36,361
that tel megiddo was part of
tiglath-pileser's administrative centre.
442
00:28:36,481 --> 00:28:38,761
- The assyrian kings fascinate me...
- Will you shut up?!
443
00:28:38,881 --> 00:28:40,721
Where's the dog?
444
00:28:40,841 --> 00:28:42,281
Why doesn't the boy have a dog?
445
00:28:44,921 --> 00:28:46,241
Do you hear voices?
446
00:28:46,361 --> 00:28:47,481
What are they saying?
447
00:28:47,601 --> 00:28:49,041
What are they telling you?
448
00:28:49,161 --> 00:28:50,161
- The voices...
- Yes.
449
00:28:50,241 --> 00:28:53,441
In my head all say...
450
00:28:53,561 --> 00:28:55,441
What?!
451
00:28:55,561 --> 00:28:57,281
That you smell like poo.
452
00:29:00,681 --> 00:29:04,561
Crowley!
453
00:29:16,201 --> 00:29:18,441
Hastur's voice: What the heaven
is going on, crowley?
454
00:29:18,561 --> 00:29:19,561
What have you done?
455
00:29:19,601 --> 00:29:22,641
Hastur. Hey. Not following you.
How do you mean?
456
00:29:22,761 --> 00:29:24,841
The boy... the boy called warlock.
457
00:29:24,961 --> 00:29:26,481
We took him to the fields of megiddo.
458
00:29:26,601 --> 00:29:28,601
The dog is not with him.
459
00:29:28,721 --> 00:29:30,361
The child knows nothing of the great war.
460
00:29:30,481 --> 00:29:32,241
He is not our master's son.
461
00:29:32,361 --> 00:29:33,841
He said that I...
462
00:29:34,921 --> 00:29:37,121
That I smelled of poo.
463
00:29:37,241 --> 00:29:40,321
- Well, you can see his point.
- You're dead meat, crowley.
464
00:29:40,441 --> 00:29:42,561
You're bloody history.
465
00:29:42,681 --> 00:29:45,601
You stay where you are.
We're coming to collect you.
466
00:29:51,761 --> 00:29:54,961
Anathema: You are
witchfinder private Newton pulsifer.
467
00:29:55,081 --> 00:29:57,481
Apparently, all magistrates
are enjoined to give you
468
00:29:57,601 --> 00:30:00,481
as much dry kindling as you need
to burn any witches,
469
00:30:00,601 --> 00:30:02,801
hags or beldam you discover.
470
00:30:02,921 --> 00:30:05,441
Er... I'm not actually a real witchfinder.
471
00:30:05,561 --> 00:30:07,321
There aren't really any witches.
472
00:30:07,441 --> 00:30:11,121
I'm actually a... computer engineer.
473
00:30:12,761 --> 00:30:15,561
I just needed something
to get me out of the house.
474
00:30:15,681 --> 00:30:17,801
Hmm.
475
00:30:20,081 --> 00:30:21,601
I'm anathema device.
476
00:30:21,721 --> 00:30:23,201
I really am a witch.
477
00:30:25,121 --> 00:30:26,921
You should read that. It's about you.
478
00:30:27,041 --> 00:30:28,481
It will save time.
479
00:30:30,561 --> 00:30:33,761
"When Robins blue chariot inverted be,
480
00:30:33,881 --> 00:30:36,041
"three wheels in the sky,
481
00:30:36,161 --> 00:30:38,281
"a man with bruises be upon your bed,
482
00:30:38,401 --> 00:30:41,481
"aching his head for Willow fine."
483
00:30:41,601 --> 00:30:44,281
That's you,
the car crash and the aspirin.
484
00:30:45,641 --> 00:30:47,441
Have you ever heard of Agnes nutter?
485
00:30:47,561 --> 00:30:49,001
I'm afraid not.
486
00:30:49,121 --> 00:30:50,641
Anath ema: A witch from 300 years ago.
487
00:30:50,761 --> 00:30:52,521
['M her descendant.
488
00:30:52,641 --> 00:30:54,441
One of your ancestors
burned her at the stake.
489
00:30:54,561 --> 00:30:56,801
- Adultery pulsifer.
- Anath ema: Or tried to.
490
00:30:56,921 --> 00:30:58,041
Ancestors?
491
00:30:58,161 --> 00:31:00,721
Thou shalt not commit adultery pulsifer.
492
00:31:00,841 --> 00:31:04,721
Hmm. Your family obviously
has a tendency to burn mine,
493
00:31:04,841 --> 00:31:06,241
so I...
494
00:31:06,361 --> 00:31:07,561
I took your matches.
495
00:31:09,081 --> 00:31:10,601
I'm not going to burn anyone.
496
00:31:10,721 --> 00:31:11,761
I know.
497
00:31:11,881 --> 00:31:14,001
Agnes would have told us if you were.
498
00:31:14,121 --> 00:31:17,081
She wrote all these prophecies
in a book published
499
00:31:17,201 --> 00:31:18,681
- in 1655.
- Did she know
500
00:31:18,801 --> 00:31:19,921
I was going to crash my car?
501
00:31:20,041 --> 00:31:21,521
Yes.
502
00:31:22,681 --> 00:31:25,921
Well, I mean... yes.
503
00:31:26,041 --> 00:31:27,801
My family has been trying to figure out
504
00:31:27,921 --> 00:31:31,081
Agnes's nice and accurate prophecies
for 400 years now.
505
00:31:32,161 --> 00:31:34,801
You could say
we're professional descendants.
506
00:31:34,921 --> 00:31:36,441
How many prophecies are there?
507
00:31:36,561 --> 00:31:39,801
Thousands.
It averages to about a prophecy a month.
508
00:31:39,921 --> 00:31:42,297
Oh, more now, in fact, as we get
closer to the end of the world.
509
00:31:42,321 --> 00:31:43,881
When is that supposed to be?
510
00:31:44,001 --> 00:31:46,961
Er... in around four hours
and 15 minutes.
511
00:31:47,081 --> 00:31:49,521
Oh, come on.
The world isn't really going to end today.
512
00:31:49,641 --> 00:31:51,257
The end of the world
starts here in tadfield,
513
00:31:51,281 --> 00:31:53,801
this afternoon, according to Agnes.
514
00:31:53,921 --> 00:31:55,921
- I just can't find it.
- It?
515
00:31:57,161 --> 00:31:59,001
The antichrist. The great beast.
516
00:31:59,121 --> 00:32:02,361
I've been searching for it,
but it's impossible to find.
517
00:32:02,481 --> 00:32:05,057
"Where the hogge's back ends,
the young beast will take the world,
518
00:32:05,081 --> 00:32:08,401
"and Adam's line will end
in fire and darkness."
519
00:32:08,521 --> 00:32:10,081
Hogge's back.
520
00:32:10,201 --> 00:32:11,481
Adam young.
521
00:32:11,601 --> 00:32:13,081
Aziraphale: And his address
522
00:32:13,201 --> 00:32:16,361
is number four, hogback Lane, tadfield,
523
00:32:16,481 --> 00:32:17,961
- what did you say?
- Adam young.
524
00:32:18,081 --> 00:32:21,001
He lives at 4 hogback Lane.
525
00:32:21,121 --> 00:32:22,641
I was told to keep an eye on him.
526
00:32:22,761 --> 00:32:24,241
How did you...?
527
00:32:25,761 --> 00:32:27,881
Oh, I didn't... shit.
528
00:32:28,001 --> 00:32:30,361
Adam, that's... that's crazy.
529
00:32:30,481 --> 00:32:33,761
He's such a sweet kid. Him and his friends
were the ones that brought you in here,
530
00:32:33,881 --> 00:32:37,361
I mean, he's... he's the sweetest kid
in the village.
531
00:32:37,481 --> 00:32:40,081
I mean, he can't be the great beast
at the end of the world.
532
00:32:41,361 --> 00:32:43,161
Come on.
533
00:32:43,281 --> 00:32:45,601
Pepper: We don't want to go with you.
534
00:32:47,041 --> 00:32:48,497
Wensleydale: Actually, I reallydon't.
535
00:32:48,521 --> 00:32:49,761
Brian: I don't like this!
536
00:32:49,881 --> 00:32:51,761
There's no point in going home.
537
00:32:52,841 --> 00:32:54,761
It doesn't matter. That's all done now.
538
00:32:54,881 --> 00:32:56,561
But we don't actually want to go with you.
539
00:33:00,761 --> 00:33:03,001
You know why you're all coming
with me, wensley?
540
00:33:03,121 --> 00:33:04,601
Because there's nowhere else to go.
541
00:33:04,721 --> 00:33:05,841
What's the point?
542
00:33:05,961 --> 00:33:07,681
What's going to be left when we grow up?
543
00:33:07,801 --> 00:33:10,401
Everywhere you look,
there's all this environment going on.
544
00:33:10,521 --> 00:33:12,281
Everything's being killed or used up,
545
00:33:12,401 --> 00:33:13,921
and no-one takes it seriously.
546
00:33:14,041 --> 00:33:17,281
Everyone thinks that somehow
it'll all just get better again.
547
00:33:17,401 --> 00:33:18,921
Where's the sense in that?
548
00:33:19,041 --> 00:33:20,617
Adam, this is all wrong.
I'm not going with you.
549
00:33:20,641 --> 00:33:22,601
- But you are.
- It isn't actually funny.
550
00:33:22,721 --> 00:33:23,721
Pepper: Wensley's right.
551
00:33:23,841 --> 00:33:25,601
It's a stupid game.
552
00:33:25,721 --> 00:33:27,001
And you're being weird.
553
00:33:27,121 --> 00:33:29,361
It's ourjob to make it start again.
554
00:33:29,481 --> 00:33:31,561
Right, dog?
555
00:33:39,401 --> 00:33:40,881
Crowley: Angel! I'm sorry.
556
00:33:41,001 --> 00:33:43,841
I apologise. Whatever I said,
I didn't mean it. Work with me,
557
00:33:43,961 --> 00:33:46,121
I'm apologising here.
Yes? Good. Get in the car.
558
00:33:46,241 --> 00:33:47,721
- What? No!
- The forces of hell
559
00:33:47,841 --> 00:33:48,937
have figured out it was my fault.
560
00:33:48,961 --> 00:33:51,001
But we can run away together.
Alpha centauri.
561
00:33:51,121 --> 00:33:54,081
Lots of spare planets up there.
Nobody'd even notice us.
562
00:33:54,201 --> 00:33:57,921
Crowley, you're being ridiculous.
Look, I'm quite sure if I can just...
563
00:33:58,041 --> 00:34:00,961
Just reach the right people,
then I can get all this sorted out.
564
00:34:01,081 --> 00:34:03,241
There aren't any right people.
There's just god,
565
00:34:03,361 --> 00:34:07,121
moving in mysterious ways
and not talking to any of us.
566
00:34:07,241 --> 00:34:09,617
Well, yes, and that is why I'm going
to have a word with the almighty,
567
00:34:09,641 --> 00:34:11,161
and then the almighty will fix it.
568
00:34:11,281 --> 00:34:13,441
That won't happen.
569
00:34:13,561 --> 00:34:14,561
You're so clever.
570
00:34:14,681 --> 00:34:16,921
How can somebody as clever as you
be so stupid?
571
00:34:19,001 --> 00:34:20,361
I forgive you.
572
00:34:22,921 --> 00:34:24,961
I'm going home, angel!
573
00:34:25,081 --> 00:34:26,841
I'm getting my stuff and I'm leaving!
574
00:34:26,961 --> 00:34:30,721
And when I'm off in the stars,
I won't even think about you!
575
00:34:37,441 --> 00:34:38,921
I've been there.
576
00:34:39,041 --> 00:34:40,801
You're better off without him.
577
00:35:07,401 --> 00:35:10,841
Hastur: Crowley!
578
00:35:19,441 --> 00:35:21,521
Hastu r: Crowley!
579
00:35:21,641 --> 00:35:25,201
We only want a little word with you.
580
00:35:26,961 --> 00:35:29,401
We know you're in there.
581
00:35:29,521 --> 00:35:32,521
Crowley!
582
00:35:39,961 --> 00:35:42,441
In here, people.
583
00:36:05,641 --> 00:36:08,201
That's...! That's...! That's holy water!
584
00:36:08,321 --> 00:36:11,801
I can't believe even a demon
would... would... would...
585
00:36:11,921 --> 00:36:13,601
Holy water! That's... that's...
586
00:36:13,721 --> 00:36:16,521
- But he hadn't done nothing to you!
- Yet.
587
00:36:18,681 --> 00:36:20,521
You...
588
00:36:20,641 --> 00:36:22,161
You don't frighten me.
589
00:36:22,281 --> 00:36:24,001
Do you know what this is?
590
00:36:25,481 --> 00:36:27,481
This is a plant mister,
591
00:36:27,601 --> 00:36:30,241
cheapest and most efficient
on the market today.
592
00:36:30,361 --> 00:36:33,881
It can squirt a fine spray
of water into the air.
593
00:36:35,361 --> 00:36:37,801
It's filled with holy water.
594
00:36:37,921 --> 00:36:41,001
It can turn you... into that.
595
00:36:43,881 --> 00:36:46,201
You're bluffing.
596
00:36:46,321 --> 00:36:49,081
Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not.
597
00:36:50,321 --> 00:36:52,201
Ask yourself,
598
00:36:52,321 --> 00:36:54,001
do you feel lucky?
599
00:37:00,681 --> 00:37:03,761
Yes. Do you?
600
00:37:05,201 --> 00:37:09,641
Time to go, crowley.
601
00:37:11,921 --> 00:37:13,201
Hello? I know where the anti...
602
00:37:13,321 --> 00:37:14,617
On answering machine:
Hi this is Anthony crowley.
603
00:37:14,641 --> 00:37:17,361
- You know what to do. Do it with style.
- Don't move!
604
00:37:17,481 --> 00:37:18,737
There's something very important
you need to know
605
00:37:18,761 --> 00:37:20,041
before you disgrace yourself.
606
00:37:20,161 --> 00:37:21,921
Aziraphale:
[ Know where the antichrist is...
607
00:37:22,001 --> 00:37:24,441
Yeah, it's not a good time.
Got an old friend here.
608
00:37:24,561 --> 00:37:26,081
But...
609
00:37:26,201 --> 00:37:28,401
Well, you've definitely passed the test.
610
00:37:28,521 --> 00:37:30,401
You're ready to start playing
with the big boys.
611
00:37:31,481 --> 00:37:32,641
What?
612
00:37:32,761 --> 00:37:33,881
You're mad.
613
00:37:34,001 --> 00:37:36,401
The lords of hell had to make sure
you were trustworthy
614
00:37:36,521 --> 00:37:39,401
before we gave you command
of the legions of the damned
615
00:37:39,521 --> 00:37:40,521
in the war ahead.
616
00:37:40,601 --> 00:37:44,761
And, hastur, Duke of hell,
617
00:37:44,881 --> 00:37:47,361
- you've come through with flying colours.
- Me?
618
00:37:47,481 --> 00:37:49,881
No. I-I wouldn't expect you
to believe me, Duke hastur.
619
00:37:50,001 --> 00:37:53,081
But why don't we talk to the dark council?
620
00:37:53,201 --> 00:37:54,841
Let's see if they can convince you.
621
00:37:54,961 --> 00:37:56,801
You're calling the dark council?
622
00:37:56,921 --> 00:37:58,441
Yes, I am.
623
00:37:58,561 --> 00:38:02,321
And they say, "so long, sucker!"
624
00:38:05,681 --> 00:38:07,657
Voice of god: You're probably wondering
625
00:38:07,681 --> 00:38:09,121
where crowley has gone.
626
00:38:09,241 --> 00:38:10,481
Demons aren't bound by physics.
627
00:38:10,601 --> 00:38:11,601
Over the years,
628
00:38:11,641 --> 00:38:13,721
a huge number of theological man-hours
629
00:38:13,841 --> 00:38:15,481
have been spent debating the question,
630
00:38:15,601 --> 00:38:18,921
"how many angels can dance
on the head of a pin?"
631
00:38:19,041 --> 00:38:21,081
To answer it we need information.
632
00:38:21,201 --> 00:38:22,961
Firstly, angels don't dance.
633
00:38:23,081 --> 00:38:27,201
It's one of the distinguishing
characteristics that marks an angel.
634
00:38:27,321 --> 00:38:28,321
So, none.
635
00:38:28,361 --> 00:38:30,481
A t least nearly none.
636
00:38:30,601 --> 00:38:34,601
Aziraphale had learned
a dance called the gavotte
637
00:38:34,721 --> 00:38:38,481
in a discreet gentlemen's club
in Portland place in the late 78805.
638
00:38:38,601 --> 00:38:41,081
After a while,
he had become fairly good at it
639
00:38:41,201 --> 00:38:43,401
and was quite put out
when, some decades later,
640
00:38:43,521 --> 00:38:45,121
the ga votte went out of style for good.
641
00:38:45,161 --> 00:38:47,681
So, providing the dance was a ga votte,
642
00:38:47,801 --> 00:38:50,681
the answer is a straightforward... one.
643
00:38:50,801 --> 00:38:53,161
Then again, you might just as well ask
644
00:38:53,281 --> 00:38:56,001
how many demons
can dance on the head of a pin.
645
00:38:56,121 --> 00:38:59,521
They're of the same original stock,
after all.
646
00:38:59,641 --> 00:39:01,641
And at least demons dance.
647
00:39:01,761 --> 00:39:04,441
Not what you 'd call good dancing, though.
648
00:39:04,561 --> 00:39:06,401
For demons or for angels,
649
00:39:06,521 --> 00:39:08,721
size and shape are simply options.
650
00:39:08,841 --> 00:39:11,001
So, if you look from really close up,
651
00:39:11,121 --> 00:39:13,321
the only problem
about dancing on the head of a pin
652
00:39:13,441 --> 00:39:16,561
is all those big gaps between electrons.
653
00:39:16,681 --> 00:39:18,761
That's where crowley has gone.
654
00:39:18,881 --> 00:39:21,401
That's where hastur is following.
655
00:39:21,521 --> 00:39:24,241
Right now, they are both travelling
incredibly fast
656
00:39:24,361 --> 00:39:28,721
- through the telephone system.
- Whoa-oh!
657
00:39:28,841 --> 00:39:32,361
Woo-hoo-hoo!
658
00:39:35,321 --> 00:39:36,801
Hastu r: Crowley!
659
00:39:36,921 --> 00:39:38,801
You can't escape me!
660
00:39:38,921 --> 00:39:42,801
Wherever you come out, I come out, too!
661
00:39:42,921 --> 00:39:46,001
Three, two, one...
662
00:39:46,121 --> 00:39:48,201
You hear me? Crowley!
663
00:39:48,321 --> 00:39:49,737
On machine: Hey, this isanthony cro...
664
00:39:49,761 --> 00:39:51,497
Hastur, on machine:
Where are you, you little runt?
665
00:39:51,521 --> 00:39:52,601
.I' heard your voice.
666
00:39:52,721 --> 00:39:54,761
You and your best friend aziraphale,
667
00:39:54,881 --> 00:39:56,481
you're dead meat!
668
00:39:56,601 --> 00:39:59,441
Voice of god: Hastur, Duke of hell,
is now trapped on a tape
669
00:39:59,561 --> 00:40:02,561
inside crowley's antique telephone
answering machine.
670
00:40:02,681 --> 00:40:04,801
Hastu r: Where am I'?
Don't leave me here.
671
00:40:04,921 --> 00:40:06,337
Aziraphale:
[ Know where the antichrist is.
672
00:40:06,361 --> 00:40:07,977
- Oh, no.
- .I' know where the antichrist is...
673
00:40:08,001 --> 00:40:09,001
Oh, no, you wouldn't.
674
00:40:09,081 --> 00:40:10,641
You wouldn't dare, you...
675
00:40:10,761 --> 00:40:12,801
Hastu r: You snake!
676
00:40:26,801 --> 00:40:28,721
Michael: Hello, aziraphale.
677
00:40:28,841 --> 00:40:30,201
Oh, Michael.
678
00:40:31,961 --> 00:40:33,081
Sandalphon.
679
00:40:33,201 --> 00:40:34,641
Hello, erm...
680
00:40:34,761 --> 00:40:38,521
We've just been learning
some rather disturbing things about you.
681
00:40:38,641 --> 00:40:41,081
You've been a bit of a... fallen angel,
haven't you?
682
00:40:41,201 --> 00:40:42,721
Consorting with the enemy...
683
00:40:42,841 --> 00:40:45,441
Oh, I-I-I haven't been consorting.
684
00:40:45,561 --> 00:40:47,177
Don't think your boyfriend
in the dark glasses
685
00:40:47,201 --> 00:40:48,801
will get you special treatment in hell.
686
00:40:48,921 --> 00:40:50,441
He's in trouble, too.
687
00:40:50,561 --> 00:40:54,081
Aziraphale, it's time to choose sides.
688
00:40:55,761 --> 00:40:58,401
I've... I've actually been giving that
a lot of thought.
689
00:40:58,521 --> 00:41:01,281
The, erm,
the whole "choosing sides" thing.
690
00:41:01,401 --> 00:41:06,801
Erm, what I think is
that there obviously has to be two sides.
691
00:41:06,921 --> 00:41:08,537
That's the whole point,
so people can make choices.
692
00:41:08,561 --> 00:41:10,841
That's... that's what being human means -
693
00:41:10,961 --> 00:41:12,481
choices.
694
00:41:12,601 --> 00:41:14,761
But... but that's... that's for them.
695
00:41:14,881 --> 00:41:18,761
Our job as... as angels
should be to keep all this working
696
00:41:18,881 --> 00:41:21,361
so they can make choices.
697
00:41:21,481 --> 00:41:23,041
You think too much.
698
00:41:28,601 --> 00:41:31,041
You... you mustn't.
699
00:41:31,161 --> 00:41:33,521
Why would you do this?
700
00:41:33,641 --> 00:41:36,481
We're the good guys.
I have to warn you that...
701
00:41:36,601 --> 00:41:38,697
That I'm going to take
this entire interaction up with...
702
00:41:38,721 --> 00:41:40,841
Up with...
703
00:41:40,961 --> 00:41:42,681
A higher authority.
704
00:41:42,801 --> 00:41:44,961
You really think upstairs
will take your call?
705
00:41:45,081 --> 00:41:46,521
You're ridiculous.
706
00:41:47,681 --> 00:41:52,721
Oh, this is great. It's starting.
707
00:41:56,321 --> 00:41:59,121
You... you...
708
00:42:01,121 --> 00:42:03,121
Bad angels!
709
00:42:03,241 --> 00:42:04,761
Seems to me it'd serve everyone right
710
00:42:04,881 --> 00:42:07,041
if all the nuclear bombs went off
and it started again,
711
00:42:07,121 --> 00:42:08,201
only properly this time.
712
00:42:08,321 --> 00:42:10,081
Then we could sort it all out.
713
00:42:10,201 --> 00:42:13,001
There's all these bombs going off.
People get killed.
714
00:42:13,121 --> 00:42:15,121
Speaking as a mother
of unborn generations,
715
00:42:15,241 --> 00:42:16,321
I'm against it.
716
00:42:16,441 --> 00:42:17,961
You'd all be fine. I'd see to that.
717
00:42:18,081 --> 00:42:21,161
It'd be wicked, eh, to have
the whole world to ourselves, wouldn't it?
718
00:42:21,281 --> 00:42:23,737
We could have amazing games.
We could have war with real armies.
719
00:42:23,761 --> 00:42:25,281
But there won't be any people.
720
00:42:25,401 --> 00:42:26,441
They'd all be dead.
721
00:42:26,561 --> 00:42:28,481
Oh, I can make us some new people.
722
00:42:28,601 --> 00:42:30,882
Adam, please let us go home.
I want my mummy and my daddy.
723
00:42:32,121 --> 00:42:33,641
I'll make you new mummies and daddies.
724
00:42:36,281 --> 00:42:37,281
Please, Adam!
725
00:42:37,361 --> 00:42:40,281
Adam, what are you doing?!
726
00:42:40,401 --> 00:42:42,641
I've got friends coming soon.
727
00:42:42,761 --> 00:42:44,377
You'll like them. They're a lot like you.
728
00:42:44,401 --> 00:42:46,281
They're going to help me make it all stop.
729
00:42:46,401 --> 00:42:48,961
Actually, Adam, please, I can't move!
730
00:42:49,081 --> 00:42:51,401
- I don't like this game!
- You wait.
731
00:42:51,521 --> 00:42:53,281
It's going to be wicked!
732
00:43:05,881 --> 00:43:08,241
So we find this Adam,
and then what do we do?
733
00:43:08,361 --> 00:43:10,881
Stop him! He's bringing armageddon.
734
00:43:12,001 --> 00:43:15,121
So we... ask him nicely to stop?
735
00:43:15,241 --> 00:43:16,961
I don't know. Agnes doesn't say.
736
00:43:18,041 --> 00:43:19,241
She goes off on stuff about...
737
00:43:20,281 --> 00:43:23,001
You and me.
738
00:43:23,121 --> 00:43:25,321
- Like what?
- Oh, well, stupid stuff.
739
00:43:25,441 --> 00:43:26,961
You... you don't want to know.
740
00:43:28,201 --> 00:43:30,201
Hogback Lane isn't far from here.
741
00:43:36,481 --> 00:43:37,801
Hold on!
742
00:43:37,921 --> 00:43:39,401
I'm not an idiot!
743
00:43:43,321 --> 00:43:44,801
You don't get tornados in england!
744
00:43:44,921 --> 00:43:46,161
We do today!
745
00:43:46,281 --> 00:43:48,121
Prophecy 691!
746
00:43:48,241 --> 00:43:50,561
The wind should drop in a few seconds,
then redouble.
747
00:43:50,681 --> 00:43:53,121
We'll have less than a minute
to go back inside
748
00:43:53,241 --> 00:43:55,561
before it starts again. Got it?
749
00:44:01,441 --> 00:44:02,841
Ok. Got it.
750
00:44:08,641 --> 00:44:10,241
Under the bed!
751
00:44:15,681 --> 00:44:16,761
This is insane!
752
00:44:16,881 --> 00:44:19,281
You don't get tornados here!
753
00:44:19,401 --> 00:44:21,521
Did Agnes say what we have to do next?
754
00:44:26,201 --> 00:44:28,521
Agnes: Let the wheel of fate turn.
755
00:44:28,641 --> 00:44:30,841
Let harts enjoin.
756
00:44:30,961 --> 00:44:32,961
There are other tyres than mine.
757
00:44:33,081 --> 00:44:34,601
When the whirl wynd whirls,
758
00:44:34,721 --> 00:44:37,561
- reach oute one to another.
- Pulsifer: "Reach out to one another."
759
00:44:38,601 --> 00:44:40,121
The world's about to end, and I've...
760
00:44:40,241 --> 00:44:42,241
I've never...
761
00:44:42,361 --> 00:44:43,521
Never robbed a bank.
762
00:44:43,641 --> 00:44:44,857
I've never got a parking ticket.
763
00:44:44,881 --> 00:44:47,001
I've never eaten Thai food.
764
00:44:47,121 --> 00:44:48,641
I've never been abroad.
765
00:44:48,761 --> 00:44:51,761
I've never learned to play
a musical instrument,
766
00:44:51,881 --> 00:44:53,441
and I've never...
767
00:44:53,561 --> 00:44:55,041
Kissed a girl?
768
00:44:55,161 --> 00:44:56,761
No, not even once.
769
00:45:51,801 --> 00:45:53,401
Huh.
770
00:45:54,761 --> 00:45:56,641
Madame Tracy:
I made you a nice cup of tea.
771
00:45:59,361 --> 00:46:02,081
I made it just the way you like it.
772
00:46:02,201 --> 00:46:04,721
Nine sugars and condensed milk.
773
00:46:04,841 --> 00:46:07,561
Awa' wi' ye, ye murrain plashed berrizene.
774
00:46:07,681 --> 00:46:09,881
Oh, mr shadwell.
775
00:46:10,001 --> 00:46:11,641
You say the nicest things.
776
00:46:13,081 --> 00:46:15,881
I've sent him into the jaws of doom.
777
00:46:16,001 --> 00:46:17,441
- Who?
- Private pulsifer.
778
00:46:17,561 --> 00:46:20,481
Aye, he's just a lad. I let him go alone.
779
00:46:20,601 --> 00:46:22,121
I should have gone with him.
780
00:46:22,241 --> 00:46:24,721
Well, he's just having a nice day out.
781
00:46:26,521 --> 00:46:28,041
That's... unusual.
782
00:46:28,161 --> 00:46:32,921
I'm a bad man
and a worse witchfinder sergeant.
783
00:46:33,041 --> 00:46:35,561
I cannot believe I let him go alone.
784
00:46:35,681 --> 00:46:36,921
I should go to him.
785
00:46:38,361 --> 00:46:40,961
There's a train to tadfield.
786
00:46:41,081 --> 00:46:42,881
I can't get there on my bus pass.
787
00:46:43,001 --> 00:46:45,441
There's not funds for a train ticket.
788
00:46:47,961 --> 00:46:49,481
Oh, I'll not travel on the wages
789
00:46:49,601 --> 00:46:52,241
- of harlotry and ghost-raising.
- You'll need an extra £5
790
00:46:52,361 --> 00:46:53,961
for a sandwich and a coffee.
791
00:46:59,281 --> 00:47:00,801
Wait.
792
00:47:00,921 --> 00:47:02,801
Shouldn't we have dinner
or something first?
793
00:47:02,921 --> 00:47:04,321
Sh. No time.
794
00:47:25,841 --> 00:47:27,721
Well, if you won't take it from me,
795
00:47:27,841 --> 00:47:30,561
what about one of those nice men
that called?
796
00:47:30,681 --> 00:47:32,681
Mr crowley won't give me an advance.
797
00:47:32,801 --> 00:47:34,961
I think he's mafia.
798
00:47:35,081 --> 00:47:38,601
But the southern pansy in the bookshop
might be a soft touch.
799
00:47:38,721 --> 00:47:41,001
Aye, he's got money.
800
00:47:41,121 --> 00:47:43,681
Even now,
young pulsifer could be suffering
801
00:47:43,801 --> 00:47:46,961
unimaginable tortures
at the hands of the daughters of night.
802
00:47:47,081 --> 00:47:49,561
I can't imagine what he's going through.
803
00:47:56,681 --> 00:47:59,481
Aye, we can't leave our people in there.
804
00:48:00,601 --> 00:48:05,241
They could be doing all manner of things
to him right this moment.
805
00:48:14,401 --> 00:48:17,721
Well, I don't suppose
it'll be the end of the world,
806
00:48:17,841 --> 00:48:20,241
even if they are, mr s.
807
00:48:21,521 --> 00:48:25,401
Wensleydale: But, please, Adam!
We have to go home!
808
00:48:25,521 --> 00:48:28,881
This is your home! Here, with me!
809
00:48:29,001 --> 00:48:31,601
You don't have to go home
or go to school or anything.
810
00:48:31,721 --> 00:48:33,801
Or do anything
you don't want to do, ever again.
811
00:48:33,921 --> 00:48:35,361
Adam, just stop it!
812
00:48:35,481 --> 00:48:36,601
Shouts: Shut up!
813
00:48:36,721 --> 00:48:38,161
Just stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
814
00:48:38,281 --> 00:48:40,641
Stop talking!
You all have to stop talking now!
815
00:48:40,761 --> 00:48:43,281
Everybody, stop talking!
816
00:49:22,761 --> 00:49:25,161
Hello.
817
00:49:25,281 --> 00:49:28,081
This is the principality aziraphale.
818
00:49:28,201 --> 00:49:30,321
I'm looking for, erm...
819
00:49:32,921 --> 00:49:34,681
A higher authority.
820
00:49:36,481 --> 00:49:38,041
Is there anybody there?
821
00:49:49,281 --> 00:49:51,041
We're closed!
822
00:49:54,001 --> 00:49:56,881
This really is frightfully important.
823
00:49:57,001 --> 00:49:59,681
I'm prepared to take this
all the way to the top.
824
00:50:08,561 --> 00:50:10,521
I, erm...
825
00:50:10,641 --> 00:50:13,281
I-I-I need to speak to the almighty.
826
00:50:14,761 --> 00:50:17,801
Metatron: Speak, aziraphale.
827
00:50:19,121 --> 00:50:20,761
Am I speaking to...
828
00:50:22,641 --> 00:50:24,041
."God?
829
00:50:26,361 --> 00:50:30,281
You are speaking to the metatron,
aziraphale.
830
00:50:31,521 --> 00:50:35,401
To speak to me is to speak to god.
831
00:50:36,641 --> 00:50:38,841
I am the voice of the almighty.
832
00:50:38,961 --> 00:50:42,801
Aziraphale: Well, yes.
But you are the voice of the almighty
833
00:50:42,921 --> 00:50:45,961
in the same way as, erm,
a presidential spokesman
834
00:50:46,081 --> 00:50:48,081
is... is the voice of the president.
835
00:50:48,201 --> 00:50:51,961
I actually need to speak directly to god.
836
00:50:52,081 --> 00:50:57,441
What is said to me
is said to the almighty.
837
00:50:59,121 --> 00:51:02,401
Well, aziraphale?
838
00:51:02,521 --> 00:51:04,601
I want to complain
about the conduct of a few angels.
839
00:51:04,721 --> 00:51:07,521
But the... the important thing
is the antichrist.
840
00:51:07,641 --> 00:51:10,241
I know who he is, I know where he is.
841
00:51:10,361 --> 00:51:12,201
Good work, well done.
842
00:51:12,321 --> 00:51:14,961
So there doesn't need to be
any of that nonsense about, erm,
843
00:51:15,081 --> 00:51:17,681
a third of the seas turning to blood
or anything.
844
00:51:17,801 --> 00:51:20,561
There needn't be a war.
We can save everyone.
845
00:51:20,681 --> 00:51:23,881
The point is not to avoid the war.
846
00:51:24,001 --> 00:51:26,321
The point is to win it.
847
00:51:35,121 --> 00:51:39,281
What sort of, er, initiating event
will precipitate the war?
848
00:51:39,401 --> 00:51:43,641
We thought a multi-nation nuclear exchange
849
00:51:43,761 --> 00:51:45,921
would be a nice start.
850
00:51:47,601 --> 00:51:48,801
Very imaginative.
851
00:51:48,921 --> 00:51:52,121
The battle commences, aziraphale.
852
00:51:52,241 --> 00:51:54,761
- Join us.
- In a jiffy.
853
00:51:54,881 --> 00:51:57,361
Two shakes of a lamb's tail.
854
00:51:58,841 --> 00:52:02,001
Just a... a couple of things
left to tie up.
855
00:52:02,121 --> 00:52:05,601
We will leave the gateway open
for you, then.
856
00:52:05,721 --> 00:52:07,681
Do not dawdle.
857
00:52:09,361 --> 00:52:13,481
Yes. Jolly, eh... jolly good.
858
00:52:30,561 --> 00:52:32,257
- Hello. I know where the anti...
- Hi this is Anthony crowley.
859
00:52:32,281 --> 00:52:34,081
You know what to do.
Do it with style.
860
00:52:34,201 --> 00:52:35,681
Well, I know who you are, you idiot.
861
00:52:35,801 --> 00:52:38,321
I telephoned you.
Listen, I know where the anti...
862
00:52:38,441 --> 00:52:40,841
Yeah, it's not a good time.
Got an old friend here.
863
00:52:40,961 --> 00:52:43,201
- But...
- Shadwell: You foul fiend!
864
00:52:43,321 --> 00:52:46,121
In league with the forces of darkness!
865
00:52:46,241 --> 00:52:47,721
Sergeant shadwell?
866
00:52:47,841 --> 00:52:49,361
You monster!
867
00:52:49,481 --> 00:52:50,921
Seducing women to do your evil will.
868
00:52:51,041 --> 00:52:52,657
Oh, I think perhaps
you've got the wrong shop.
869
00:52:52,681 --> 00:52:53,961
You are possessed by a demon,
870
00:52:54,081 --> 00:52:57,321
and I will exorcise you
with bell, book and candle.
871
00:52:57,441 --> 00:53:01,601
Yes, er, fine. But, please, keep away from
the circle. It's... it's still powered up.
872
00:53:01,721 --> 00:53:03,561
Bell.
873
00:53:06,161 --> 00:53:08,001
I'm honestly not a demon.
874
00:53:08,121 --> 00:53:09,617
I-I don't know what you think you saw,
but...
875
00:53:09,641 --> 00:53:11,161
Book!
876
00:53:11,281 --> 00:53:15,281
Please, you-you-you must keep away
from the... the circle.
877
00:53:16,961 --> 00:53:18,961
- Practically a candle.
- Look, the circle is on...
878
00:53:19,081 --> 00:53:20,577
- With the powers invested in me...
- And it would be very unwise
879
00:53:20,601 --> 00:53:21,401
for you to step into it...
880
00:53:21,521 --> 00:53:23,337
- I charge ye to leave this place...
- Without the proper precautions.
881
00:53:23,361 --> 00:53:24,417
Whatever you think you've seen...
882
00:53:24,441 --> 00:53:25,897
- And to return henceforth...
- Just don't cross the circle.
883
00:53:25,921 --> 00:53:27,737
- To the place from which you came.
- You stupid man!
884
00:53:27,761 --> 00:53:30,241
And deliver us from evil,
returning no more!
885
00:53:35,161 --> 00:53:36,761
Fuck!
886
00:53:52,201 --> 00:53:53,361
Hello?
61897
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