All language subtitles for Good.Omens.S01E03.1080p.BluRay.x265-RARBG

Voice of god: Az/raphale,
angel of the eastern gate.

Aziraphale: Yes, lord?

Voice of god: Where is the flaming sword
[ Ga ve you, az/rapnale,

to guard the gate of Eden?

S-Sword? Right.

Big sharp cutty thing. Yes.

Oh, must have, er...

Must have put it down here
somewhere.

Forget my own head next!

Oh, dear.

Hello, aziraphale.

Crawly.

So... giving the mortals a flaming sword -
how did that work out for you?

The almighty has never
actually mentioned it again.

Probably a good thing.

What's all this about?

Build a big boat
and fill it with a travelling zoo?

From what I hear, god's a bit tetchy.

Wiping out the human race.

Big storm.

All of them?

Just the locals.

I don't believe the almighty's upset
with the Chinese.

Or the native Americans.

Or the Australians.

- Yet.
- And god's not actually

going to wipe out allthe locals.

I mean, Noah up there,

his family, his sons, their wives -
they're all going to be fine.

But they're drowning everybody else?

Not the kids? You can't kill kids.

Mm-hm.

That's more the kind of thing
you'd expect my lot to do.

Yes, but... when it's done,

the almighty's going to put up
a new thing called a "rain bow"

as a promise not to...
Drown everyone again.

How kind.

You can'tjudge the almighty, crawly.

- God's plans are...
- Are you going to say "ineffable"?

Possibly.

Oi! Shem!

That unicorn's
going to make a run for it.

Oh, it's too late.

It's too late!

Well, you've still got one of them.

Father, please.

You have to forgive them.

Aah!

They don't know what they are doing!

Aah!

Crowley: Come to smirk
at the poor bugger, have you?

Aziraphale: Smirk? Me?

Well, your lot put him on there.

I'm not consulted on policy decisions,
crawly.

Oh, I've changed it.

- Changed what?
- My name.

"Crawly" wasn't really doing it for me.
It's a bit too...

Squirming-at-your-feet-ish.

Well, you werea snake.

So what is it now?

Mephistopheles? Asmodeus?

Crowley.

Hmm.

Did you, uh...

Ever meet him?

Yes.

Seemed a very bright young man.

I showed him all the kingdoms
of the world.

Why?

He's a carpenter from galilee.
His travel opportunities are limited.

That's got to hurt.

What was it he said
that got everyone so upset?

"Be kind to each other."

Oh, yeah. That'll do it.

Crowley: What have you got?

Give me a jug of
whatever you think's drinkable.

Jug of house brown.

Two sesterces.

Crawly... crowley?

Well...!

Fancy running into you in here.

Still a demon, then?

What kind of stupid question
is that, "still a demon"?

What else am I going to be,
an aardvark?

Saluta Ria.

In Rome long?

Just nipped in for a quick temptation.

- You?
- I thought I'd try

petronius's new restaurant.

I hear he does remarkable things
to oysters.

I've never eaten an oyster.

Oh, well, let me tempt you to...

No, that's your job, isn't it?

Calls: Hello?

I, sir aziraphale of the table round,

am here to speak to the black knight.

Oh! Right.

Um... hello.

- Yeah, come.
- I... I...

I was hoping to meet with
the black knight?

You have sought the black knight,
foolish one.

But you have found your death.

Is that you under there, crawly?

Crowley.

What the hell are you playing at?

It's all right, lads.
I know him. He's all right.

I'm here spreading foment.

- What is that, some kind of porridge?
- No! I'm, you know,

fomenting... dissent and discord.
King Arthur's been spreading

too much peace and tranquillity
in the land, so I'm here,

you know, fomenting.

Well, I'm meant to be... fomenting peace.

So we're both working very hard
in damp places

and just cancelling each other out?

Well, you could put it like that.

It isa bit damp.

Be easier if we both stayed home,

if we just sent messages
back to our head offices

saying we'd done everything
they'd asked for, wouldn't it?

But that would be lying.

Er, possibly, but the end result
would be the same.

Cancel each other out.

But, my dear fellow...

Well, they'd check.

Michael's a... bit of a stickler.

You don't want to get Gabriel
upset with you.

Oh, our lot have better things to do

than verifying compliance reports
from earth.

As long as they get the paperwork,

they seem happy enough.
As long as you're being seen

to be doing something,
every now and again.

No! Absolutely not!

I am shocked that you would
even imply such a thing.

We're not having this conversation.

Not another word.

- Right.
- Right!

Woman: Oysters!

- Oranges!
- Some grapes, please.

Man: To be or not to be,

- that is the question...
- They look scrummy.

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind
to suffer the slings and arrows...

I thought you said
we'd be inconspicuous here,

blend in among the crowds.

Aziraphale: Well, that was the idea.

- Hang on.
- Oysters! Oranges!

This isn't one of Shakespeare's
gloomy ones, is it?

- No wonder nobody's here.
- Shh. It's him.

- It's him.
- Prithee, gentles.

Mightl request a small favour?

Could you, in your role as "the audience",

give us more to work with?

You mean like
when the ghost of his father came on,

and I said, "he's behind you!"?

Just so. That was jolly helpful.

Made everyone on stage feel... appreciated.

A bit more of that.

Good master burbage, please,
speak the lines trippingly.

I am wasting my time up here.

No, no, you're ve/ygood.

I love all the...

Talking.

And what does your friend think?

Oh, he's not my friend.

We've never met before.
We don't know each other.

I think you should get on with the play.

Yes, burbage. Please.

From the top.

Burbage: To be or not to be,

- that is the question.
- Aziraphale: To be!

I mean, not to be!

Come on, Hamlet! Buck up!

Whether 'tis nobler
in the mind to suffer

- the slings and arrows...
- He's very good, isn't he?

Age does not wither,

nor custom stale his infinite variety.

- Oh!
- A sea of troubles,

- and by opposing, end them.
- Yeah, I like that.

Burbage: To die. To sleep.

- No more...
- What do you want?

Why ever would you insinuate
that I might possibly want something?

You are up to no good.

Obviously. You're up to good, I take it?

Lots of good deeds?

No rest for the...

Well, good.

I have to be in Edinburgh
at the end of the week.

- Oh!
- Couple of blessings to do,

a minor miracle to perform.

Apparently, I have to ride a horse.

Hard on the buttocks, horses.

Major design flaw, if you ask me.

I'm meant to be heading to Edinburgh too
this week.

Tempting a clan leader
to steal some cattle.

Doesn't sound like hard work.

The pangs of despised love

and the insolence of office...

And the spurns that...

That's why I thought we should...

Well, bit of a waste of effort,

both of us going all the way to Scotland.

You cannot actually be suggesting...

What I infer...

You're implying.

Which is?

Thatjust one of us
goes to Edinburgh, and does both.

The blessing and the tempting.

We've done it before.
Dozens of times now.

- The arrangement...
- Don't say that.

Our respective head offices

don't actually care how things get done.

They just want to know
they can cross it off the list.

But if hell finds out,
they won'tjust be angry -

they'll destroy you.

Nobody ever has to know.

Toss you for Edinburgh.

Fine. Heads.

Tails, I'm afraid.
You're going to Scotland.

It's been like this every performance,
Juliet.

Complete dud.

It'd take a miracle to get anyone
to come and see Hamlet

yes, all right.

I'll do that one. My treat.

- Oh, really?
- I still prefer the funny ones.

Mistake.

Uh, erreur.

Bit out of practice at the French.

Um...

I speak English.

Listen to that.

The fall of the guillotine blade.
Is it not terrible?

Yes. Yes, cutting off
that poor woman's head. Terrible.

It is Pierre. An amateur.

Always he let go of the rope too soon.

You are lucky that it is I, Jean-Claude,

who will remove your traitorous head
from your shoulders.

Look, this is all a terrible mistake.

- I don't think you understand...
- I have good news for you.

You are the 999th aristo

to die at the guillotine by my hand.

But the first English.

Now...

Please! No.

Dreadful mistake, discorporating me.

Oh, it'll be a complete nightmare.

Animals.

Crowley: Animals don't kill each other
with clever machines, angel.

- Only humans do that.
- Crowley.

Oh, good lord.

Crowley: What the deuce are you doing
locked up in the bastille?

I thought you were opening a bookshop.

Well, I was.

I got peckish.

"Peckish"?

Well, if you must know,
it was the crépes.

You can't get decent ones
anywhere but Paris.

And the brioche.

So you just popped across the channel
during a revolution

because you wanted something to nibble?

- Dressed like that?
- I have standards.

I'd heard they were getting a bit
carried away over here, but...

Yeah, this is not getting carried away.

This is cutting off lots of people's heads
very efficiently

with a big head-cutting machine.

Why didn't you just perform
another miracle and go home?

I was reprimanded last month.

They said I'd performed
too many frivolous miracles.

Got a strongly worded note from Gabriel.

Well, you're lucky I was in the area.

I suppose I am.

Why are you here?

My lot sent me a commendation
for outstanding job performance.

So all this is yourdemonic work?

No! The humans thought it up themselves.

Nothing to do with me.

Well, I suppose I should say thank you

for the, er, rescue.

Don't say that.

If my people hearl rescued an angel,
I'll be the one in trouble,

and my lot do not send rude notes.

Well, anyway, I'm very grateful.

What about if I buy you lunch?

Looking like that?

Well, barely counts as a miracle, really.

Dressed like that,
he's asking for trouble.

What's for lunch?

What would you say to some crépes?

Look, I've been thinking.
What if it all goes wrong?

We have a lot in common,
you and me.

I don't know. We may have both
started off as angels,

but you are fallen.

I didn't really fall.

I just, you know...

Sauntered vaguely downwards.

I need a favour.

We already have the agreement, crowley.

Stay out of each other's way.
Lend a hand when needed.

This is something else,

for if it all goes pear-shaped.

- I like pears.
- If it all goes wrong...

I want insurance.

What?

I wrote it down. Walls have ears.

Well, not walls. Trees have ears.

Ducks have ea rs.

Do ducks have ears?

Must do.
That's how they hear other ducks.

Out of the question.

Why not?

It would destroy you.

I'm not bringing you a suicide pill,
crowley.

That's not what I want it for.
Just insurance.

I'm not an idiot, crowley.

Do you know what trouble I'd be in if...

If they knew I'd been... fraternising?

It's completely out of the question.

"Fraternising"?

Well, whatever you wish to call it.

I do not think there is any point

- in discussing it further.
- I have lots of other people

to "fraternise" with, angel.

- Of course you do.
- I don't need you.

Well, and the feeling is mutual.
Obviously.

Obviously.

Mr glozier. Mr Harmony.

Mr fell. You are late.

But not to worry.

German accent: You have the books
for the f'lihrer?

Aziraphale: Yes, I do.

Books of prophecy.

Otwell binns, Robert Nixon,
mother shipton.

First editions, as requested.

What about the other book
we told you to bring us?

The f'lihrer was most definite
that he needs it.

It has the prophecies that are true.

With the true prophecy book, the war...

Is as good as won.

The nice ano' accurate prophecies
of Agnes nutter, witch.

No luck. I'm afraid that is the holy grail
of prophetic books.

The f'lihrer also wants the holy grail...

And the spear of destiny,
should you run across them.

Harmony: Why are there no copies
of Agnes nutter's book?

We have made it clear
that money is no object.

You will be a very rich man.

The unsold copies of the nice
ano' accurate prophecies

were destroyed by the publisher,

which is, well, all of them.

It never sold a single copy.

But I found the publisher's catalogue
for 1655,

and it does list
one of Agnes nutter's prophecies.

What was it?

Her prophecy for 1972.

"Do notte buye betamacks."

Who is Peter Max?

I have no idea.

I will pass it on to the f'lihrer.

These volumes of prophecy
will be in Berlin

by the end of the week.
The f'lihrer will be most grateful.

Harmony: You have been
exceedingly helpful, mr fell.

Such a pity you must be eliminated.

But take heart -
just another death in the blitz.

That's not very sporting.

You do not appear worried, my friend.

He's not worried.

- Who is she?
- She,

my double-dealing Nazi acquaintance,

is the reason why none of those books
are going back to Berlin,

and why your nasty little spy ring

will be spending the rest of the war
behind bars.

Let me introduce you
to captain Rose Montgomery

of British military intelligence.

Thank you for the introduction.

Our side know all about you two.

She recruited me to work for you.

And now she's going to tell you
that this building

is surrounded by British agents,

and that you two have been...

What is that lovely
American expression?

Played for suckers.

- Yes, about that...
- Right. Everyone!

Come on!

Round them up!

Rose? Where exactly are your people?

We are all here.

Allow me to introduce
fraulein Greta kleinschmidt.

She works with us.

Harmony: "Played for a sucker."

I must remember that.

I am played for a sucker,
you are played for a sucker,

he, she, it...
Will be played for a sucker.

Now, where were we? Oh, yes.

Killing you.

You can't kill me.

There'll be paperwork.

Sorry, consecrated ground.

Oh! It's like...

Being at a beach in bare feet.

What are you doing here?

Stopping you getting into trouble.

I should have known. Of course.

These people are working for you.

No! They're a bunch
of half-witted Nazi spies

running around London
blackmailing and murdering people.

I just didn't want to see you embarrassed.

Mr anthonyj crowley.
Your fame precedes you.

Anthony?

- You don't like it?
- No, no,

I didn't say that. I'll get used to it.

The famous mr crowley.

Such a pity you must both die.

What does thej stand for?

Er... it's just a j, really.

Look at that!
A whole fontful of holy water.

It doesn't even have guards.

Enough babbling. Kill them both.

In about a minute, a German bomber
will release a bomb

that will land right here.

If you all run away very, very fast,
you might not die.

You won't enjoy dying,
definitely won't enjoy what comes after.

You expect us to believe that?

The bombs tonight
will fall on the east end.

Yes. It would take a last-minute
demonic intervention

to throw them off course, yes.

You're all wasting
your valuable running-away time.

And if, in 30 seconds,
a bomb does land here,

it would take a real miracle
for my friend and I to survive it.

A real miracle?

Kill them. They are very irritating.

That was very kind of you.

Shut up.

Well, it was.

No paperwork, for a start.

Oh, the books!

Oh, I forgot all the books!

Oh, they'll all be blown to...

Little demonic miracle of my own.

Lift home?

So, spike, you're the muscles,

you'll be hauling on the ropes.

And she'll be going down on the ropes,
then?

Hold on.

Who are you?

I understand you need a locksman.

Crowley: I was expecting mr narker.

Well, mr narker's passed on to his reward.
I've taken over the business.

He was my cellmate.
He taught me everything he knew.

My name's shadwell.

Please, sit down, mr shadwell.

Lance corporal shadwell.

If you don't mind.

So what's so valuable that they're
going to leave it in a church at night?

We'll go over the details of what you're
obtaining for me when we get there.

You will all be very well compensated.

You have a question,
Lance corporal shadwell?

Stealing from a church?

There's nae... witchcraft involved here...

Is there?

Completely witch-free robbery.

Mm. Pity.

Any other questions?

You are not yourself a witch,

warlock, or someone that calls your cat
funny names?

Not a witch. No pets. Anyone else?

What are we getting paid?

A hundred now,

another hundred when the job's done.

A hundred more to keep schtum.

Shadwell: Mr crowley!

May I have a moment of your time?

Yes... Lance corporal shadwell.

What are you a Lance corporal in?

You don't look like an army man.

Well, that is precisely the matter
upon which I planned to talk to you.

You might remember
earlier this evening

I asked a rather pointed question
about witchcraft.

Yes.

Well, I am a proud member
of an enormous organisation.

Vast.

A secret army
that battles the forces of witchery.

How nice for you.

The witchfinder army.
Perhaps you've heard of it.

I thought you said it was secret.

Well, you never know when a gentleman
such as yourself

might have need of such an organisation.

A man with hundreds of pounds
to throw around.

If you need us,

the witchfinder army are here for you.

- A whole army?
- Think it over.

You know where to find me.

- What are you doing here?
- I needed a word with you.

What?

Iwork in soho. I hear things.

I hear that you're setting up a... caper

to Rob a church.

Crowley, it's too dangerous.

Holy water won'tjust kill your body -

it will destroy you completely.

You told me what you think
105 years ago.

And I haven't changed my mind.

But I can't have you risking your life.

Not even for something dangerous.

You can call off the robbery.

Don't go unscrewing the cap.

- It's the real thing?
- The holiest.

After everything you said.

Should I say thank you?

Better not.

Well, can I drop you anywhere?

No, thank you.

Oh, don't look so disappointed.

Perhaps one day we could...

I don't know. Go for a picnic.

Dine at the ritz.

I'll give you a lift.
Anywhere you want to go.

You go too fast for me, crowley.

Sorry! Right number.

I'll just go to head office
and explain it all.

Yes. "So, Gabriel, um..."

"Listen, Gabriel..."

"Most holy archangel gabr..."

No, that's too formal.

"Hello, Gabriel, me old mate.

"There is a-a-a child
we have to deal with

"and... and make everything ok again."

Oh, god.

"Hello, Gabriel.

"Just thought you ought to know

"that due to an unfortunate mix-up
in a hospital,

"the antichrist has been mislaid.

"But it's all right,
because I've found him.

"He's living in the English village
of tadfield,

"and his 11th birthday
was the start of...

"Er, the end of things.

"I have his address, and so
we just have to eliminate him now,

"then everything could still be ok."
Yeah.

"He'll have an enormous hell-hound
with him.

"He won't be hard to spot."

Voice of god: This wasn't, insofaras
the hell-hound had had any expectations,

what he had imagined life would be like
in the last days before armageddon.

Form shapes nature.

There are certain ways of beha viour
appropriate to small dogs

which are in fact welded into the genes.

He 'd surprised the huge ginger cat
from next door, and had attempted

to reduce it to cowering jelly
by means of the usual glowing stare.

It had always worked in the past.

Dog was looking forward
to a further cat experiment

which would consist of jumping around
and yapping excitedly at it.

Anathema: I can't believe it!
I can't believe it!

350 years my family kept it safe.

350 years!

So stupid!

Come on, dog.

Hello.

Are you ok? Can I help?

I'm fine.

But you were crying.

I know!

Hello.

This is going to sound so stupid,

but I lost my book
and it all just got a bit... much.

I can help you look for it.

Oh, that's sweet of you.
It's been in my family for a long time.

I wrote a book once.

It was about this pirate
who was a famous detective.

I bet it was a lot more exciting
than any book you've lost.

Especially the bit in the spaceship

where the dinosaur comes out
and fights with the cowboys.

I bet it'd cheer you up, my book.
I'm Adam.

- I live in hogback Lane.
- Thanks, Adam.

Oh, I'm anathema.

Are you from around here?

This is my world.
From hogback wood to the dip,

and from the old quarry up to the pond.

You haven't seen two men
in a big black vintage car, have you?

Did they steal it?

Professional book thieves!
Probably go around in their car

- stealing books.
- No, no, they didn't mean to steal it.

Do you want some lemonade?

Are we going to have to break into
the cottage and battle the witch for it?

That's my cottage.

I'm renting it.

Look, excuse me for asking,

if it's not a personal question,
but are you a witch?

I'm an occultist.

Oh, well, that's all right, then.

Come on, you silly dog.

Voice of god: There had been
a horseshoe over the door

of Jasmine cottage
for hundreds of years.

[T protected the inhabitants from evil,
or so they believed

you can just leave him in the garden.

Adam: No, he has to do
everything he's told. My father says

I can only keep him
if he's properly trained.

Now, dog, go inside.

Good boy.
It wasn't that hard, was it?

Voice of god: The hell-hound
entered the cottage

and a little bit more of hell burned away.

Voice of god: Strictly speaking,

5hadwell doesn't run
the witchfinder arm y.

According to 5hadwell's pay ledgers,

it is run by witchfinder general Smith.

Under him are witchfinder colonels
green and Jones,

and witchfinder majors Jackson,
Robinson and Smith.

Then there are
witchfinder majors saucepan,

tin,

milkbottle

And cupboard

because shadwell's limited imagination

had been beginning to struggle
at this point.

Sergeant shadwell.

Mr crowley. You're looking well.

Clean living.

And your father, how is he?

You resemble him very much,
you know.

So they tell me. Yeah, he's well.

I've, er, prepared the ledger.

The men need paying, your honour.

It's hard times for witchfinders
in today's degenerate age.

That won't be necessary.

£250. I'll drop the money off for you
on Saturday.

In cash, in an envelope.

- Don't take plastic.
- You astonish me.

There's a village called tadfield,
in oxfordshire.

Send your best people down there.

I'm looking for a boy.
He's about 11.

I don't have anything more than that.

But look for anything...

Strange.

This, er, boy...

He's a witch?

Possibly.

We'll have to find him first, won't we?

Well, my best operatives,

that would be
witchfinder lieutenant... table.

- Call me if you find anything.
- Witchfinder sergeant pepper.

All my family have had occult powers,
going all the way back.

We can find ley lines.

Right. What's ley lines?

Invisible lines of force
linking places of power.

Amazing, there being all these
invisible lines of force around

- and me not seeing them.
- We can see auras.

And they are?

This coloured forcefield
surrounding someone.

Everyone's got one.

And I can look at its strengths and colour

and tell you how you're feeling.

That's brilliant. Why don't they teach us
about them at school?

Because school
is a repressive tool of the state.

So what colour's my aura, then?

Adam... I can't see your aura.

You said everybody's got one.

I don't know, hon.

It's an art, not a science.

So what else don't they teach us
at school?

They're clubbing baby seals.

They're cutting down the rainforest
so you can get a cheap hamburger.

Watch out for genetically modified food.

Don't get me started on global warming.

And that's because whales
have huge brains,

and they're hunting them for no reason.

- Nuclear power stations.
- Nuclear power stations are rubbish.

Yes! Yes, they are.

We went to one on a school trip,
and there was nothing bubbling,

and there wasn't any green smoke,

and there weren't anyone
in those space suits, and it was so dull.

Well, yes.
But we need to get rid of them.

Serves them right for not bubbling.

Adam, I have to get back to work.

But if you're interested
in any of this stuff,

I have some old magazines here.

You don't have to read them
if you don't want.

Wicked.

Voice of god: It might have helped
anathema to understand what was going on

if she understood the very simple reason
why she couldn't see Adam's aura.

It's for the same reason
that people in Times Square

can't see america.

Gabriel: So, aziraphale...

I got your message.

You got something big?

Lay it on us.

I'm sorry?

What's happening?

Ok... So...

Well...

It's... it's about the antichrist.

Uriel: Yes?

Aziraphale: I think that, er...

Well, it's not impossible,

uh, considering all...

All the alternatives, that the-the...

Other side might have
lost track of him.

The "other side"?

Gabriel: Lost track of him?

He's the son of the us ambassador.

He's under constant surveillance.

The other side are currently
transporting him to the plains of megiddo.

Apparently
that's the traditional starting point.

Middle eastern unrest.
Everything else just follows.

The four horsemen ride out.

Last great battle

- between heaven and hell.
- Yes. Well, er...

It's possible that the demon crowley,

a-a-a wily adversary...

Keeps me on my toes,
I can tell you.

But the, urn, ambassador's, er, son...

Well, it may have been a ruse.

A ruse?

And the actual antichrist might be, er...

Somewhere else.

Where?

Not sure.

I mean, I-I-I couldfind out.

I-I have a team of... agents.

A dedicated team who...

Who would investigate the possibility.

Hypothetically speaking,
if that were the case...

It wouldn't change anything, aziraphale.

There was war in heaven
long before the earth was created.

Crowley and the rest were cast out,

but nothing was ever really settled.

I suppose it wasn't.

But there doesn't have to be
another war...

Does there?

As much as we appreciate
your hypotheticals, aziraphale,

I'm afraid we have other things to do.

The earth isn't going to
just end itself, you know.

No. Yes. Right.

Hello.

Woman: Hello.

Rp Tyler.

Neighbourhood watch.

I couldn't help but notice,
young person, that you have a map.

Casing the joint, are we?

I'm... I'm renting Jasmine cottage.

Oh, good lord,
you're an American tourist.

Sorry. Thought you were

- a person of interest.
- Oh, I-I am.

Listen, 11 years ago,

something came to this village,
some sort of beast or creature.

And if you're neighbourhood watch,

maybe you noticed.

Tadfield is
a perfectly respectable village.

If you're coming here
to smoke your fatty spliffers

and bimble off to woo-woo land,
then I suggest that you go elsewhere.

Like back to america!

Fatty spliffers?

What did you think of that, then?

That's an angel who's been down there
too long.

I don't trust him.

Hypotheticals, indeed.

Hello.

Aziraphale: Witchfinder
sergeant shadwell, please.

Or, um, one of his officers.

[Shall endeavour to see
if he is available.

Hold on.

Coo-ee, mr shadwell.

Oh, hello, dear.

Hello, madame Tracy.

Away with you, harlot!

There's a gentleman
on the telephone for you.

Sounds ever so refined.

And I'll be getting a nice bit of liver
for us for Sunday.

I'd sooner sup with the devil.

So if you could just give me
the plates back from last week.

There's a love.

Aye?

Aziraphale: Sergeant shadwell.

- .I't's you-know-who.
- Who?

Me. Your, um, sponsor.

Listen, do you have any men free?
I need them to poke about a bit.

Poke?

Where exactly do you want them poking?

Tadfield.

It's a small town in oxfordshire.

There's a boyl need placed
under observation.

I-I need to know
where he is at all times.

I can give you his address.

I'll put a squad of my best men onto it.

Oh, good. Thank you so much.

Aziraphale: Oh, and I should have asked
about witchfinder major milkbottle.

I was so sorry to hear
of his untimely end.

I sent flowers.

Aye, the flowers were appreciated.

And so was the extra £20
for the family.

He was a brave man.

Oh, I was flabbergasted
when you told me how he died.

Aye. A brave man.

I'll be by the bookstore next week

to pick up your annual dues.

Squad of best men to tadfield,
dear fellow.

And keep them there
until I give you more orders.

Now, the boy is called...

A dam young.

And his address is
number four hogback Lane, tadfield

have you got it?

Absolutely, your honour.

- Tadfield it is.
- Right. Pip-pip.

And let me know
when your men are in position.

Pip-pip.

Great southern pansy.

Find any witches yet,
witchfinder private pulsifer?

Even better than that.

I found something really interesting.

Hmm.

I've discovered
some unusual weather patterns.

There's a town in oxfordshire

with some very strange weather events.

Oh? Raining blood?

Or raining fish?

Satanic frost in summer
withering the crops

after some hag
got into an argument with a farmer?

No. It's just...

It always has perfect weather
for the time of year.

You call that a phenomenon?

Normal weather for the time
of year isn't normal.

Crisp autumns, long, hot augusts.

The kind of weather
you used to dream of as a kid.

It's snowed there every Christmas Eve
for the last 11 years.

Not interested.

Just look for witches
and witch-caused phenomenon-enoms.

Voice of god:
He called himself dr raven sable,

but you know him by another name.

He loves hunger.

He loves people not eating enough
in fancy restaurants.

Your main course, madam.

Chicken froth on a reduction
of broccoli gel

with a mushroom foam.

And the chef recommends
that you have this first -

a balloon filled
with lavender-scented air.

It is the first course.

- Mm, mm, mm.
- Sable: It just occurred to me.

I've never seen a room full
of rich people so hungry before.

Voice of god: He's a businessman
with a chain of restaurants,

and he's about to launch something new.

Chow - food-free food.

Artificial bun. Artificial burger.

Fries that have never seen a potato.

Foodless sauces.

And - we're rather proud of this -

a completely artificial dill pickle.

The shake doesn't contain
any actual food content either.

Well, nobody's shakes contain
any actual food content.

Ok, let's try it out.

Press this button
when you hand over the chow.

And don't call it food. It's chow.

Electronic voice: Chow-brand unfood
contains spun, plaited

and woven protein molecules

designed to be ignored
by your digestive enzymes,

no-Cal sweeteners, oil replacements,
fibrous materials,

colourings and fla vourings.
Chow is an edible substance

and must not be confused with food.

Eating chow can help you to lose weight,
hair and kidney functions.

May cause anal leakage. Enjoy your meal.

Party, name of sable?

I thought it was you.

I looked around, I thought,
"tall gent with a beard, nice suit."

There's a package for you, sir.
You have to sign for it.

Man: ♪ you ain't no friend of mine
oh, yeah

♪ you ain't nothin' but a hound dog... ♪

- Frannie: Oh.
- Sable: The measuring scales.

Finally.

I'm flying to england.

I'll let the jet know.
When are you returning?

Who knows?

Cancel all my appointments.

For how long?

The foreseeable future.

Sergeant shadwell,

you know the village
I was telling you about

with the perfect weather?

Well, according to the manual,

witches can influence the weather.

What if I was to sort of
nip over there tomorrow,

have a little look round?

I could pay for my own petrol.

This village,
it wouldn't be called tadfield, would it?

How did you know that?

Well, I suppose it can't do any harm.

Be here at nine of the clock
in the morning, afore you leave.

What for?

Your armour of righteousness.

Crowley: It's me. Meet me
at the third alternative rendezvous.

Is that the old bandstand,
the number 19 bus,

or the British museum cafe?

The bandstand.
I'll be there in 15 minutes.

Dad, did you know
that there are ley lines everywhere?

No, Adam. Ley lines are rubbish.

Oh, you'll like this bit, Deirdre.

They've taped the gun under the chair.

It's not rubbish.

They wouldn't write about it in magazines

if it was rubbish.

You can't protect her,
you're tied to a chair.

There's people from Tibet
watching everything we do

through hidden tunnels.

You made one huge mistake...

I think I might go to bed early, actually.

Where did you learn
to fight like that, your majesty?

Do you think he's all right?

He's fine.

Crowley: Well?

- Any news?
- Um...

What-what kind of news would that be?

Well, have you found
the missing antichrist's name,

address and shoe size yet?

His shoe size?
Why-why would I have his shoe size?

It's a joke. I've got nothing either.

It's the great plan, crowley.

Yeah. For the record,

great pustulant mangled bollocks

to the great blasted plan!

May you be forgiven.

I won't be forgiven.

Not Eve r.

That's part of a demon's job description.

Unforgiveable. That's what I am.

You were an angel once.

That was a long time ago.

We find the boy. My agents can do it.

And then what?

We eliminate him?

Someone does.
I'm not personally up for killing kids.

You're the demon. I'm the nice one.

I don't have to kill children.

- Uh-uh...
- If you kill him,

then the world gets a reprieve

and heaven does not have blood
on its hands.

Oh, no blood on your hands?

That's a bit holier-than-thou, isn't it?

I am a great deal holier than thou.
That's the whole point.

You should kill the boy yourself.

Holi-ly.

I am not... killing anybody.

This is ridiculous. You are ridiculous.

I don't even know
why I'm still talking to you.

- Well, frankly, neither do I.
- Enough, I'm leaving.

You can't leave, crowley.

There isn't anywhere to go.

It's a big universe.

Even if this all ends up
in a puddle of burning goo,

we can go off together.

Go off together?

Listen to yourself.

How long have we been friends?

6,000 yea rs!

Friends? We're not friends.

We are an angel and a demon.

We have nothing whatsoever in common.

- I don't even like you.
- You do.

Even if I did know
where the antichrist was,

I wouldn't tell you.
We're on opposite sides.

- We're on our side.
- There is no ourside, crowley.

Not any more.

It's over.

Right.

Well, then...

Have a nice doomsday.

Brilliant.

Voices whisper: You can do it.

You can change it. You can fix it.

It's getting closer.

It's getting stronger.

That's a bit...

Man: Impossible.

Is this a joke?

Woman: 240 megawatts of power

are currently being produced
by this power station, Eric.

It's just, according to our indicators,

nothing's producing them.

What do you mean, I have to authorise it?

Is there anyone else?

I know I'm the minister.

Well, then, yes.

I authorise you
to open the bloody thing up.

Woman: Oh.

There's something you don't see every day.

An enormous room
without a nuclear reactor in it.

Man: But... there's nothing there.

Man 2: Not nothing, chief.

Woman: It looks like a sherbet lemon.

Mend it all. End it all.

End it all.