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Here we are, the nerve center.
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Colin Robinson for
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Staten Island Comptroller
headquarters.
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Sean had to bow out of the race.
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Apparently, in Staten Island,
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there's a rule that a candidatecan't have more than
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nine DUIs.
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Most Staten Island
office holders
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only have two or three.
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Oh, hi, Barbara.
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He needed someone
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to take his place, and my record
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is absolutely, completely clean.
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Yo. Robby Robinson,
get over here.
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You're on the tube. Quick.
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With all due respect,my new opponent
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seems like a nice man,but he has
18
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no government experience.He was working as a server...
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I can't wait to flex
my blue collar bona fides
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on the debate stage.
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Up top.
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There it is.
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? Don't sing if you wantto live long ?
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? They have no usefor your song ?
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? You're dead, you're dead,you're dead ?
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? You're deadand out of this world ?
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? Now your hope and compassionis gone ?
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? You sold out your dreamto the world ?
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? Stay dead, stay dead,stay dead ?
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? You're deadand out of this world. ?
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I have been spending more time
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at this new gym lately.
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I have asked Guillermo
to join me,
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but he always seems
to have something else
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going on these days.
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Guillermo! Guillermo,
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-where are you?
-Shit!
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- I've beenavoiding Nandor.
-Oh.
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It's been hard,
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physically and emotionally.
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- Guillermo?
- I just don't
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want himto get suspicious that
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I'm a vampire now. Or half
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a vampire. Or whatever I am.
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Guillermo?
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And so I have decided
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to hunt for a new companion.
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Need a spot?
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Uh, sure, why not?
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Great.
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Looks like it's just me and you
in here tonight, huh, buddy?
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Um, yeah.
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Uh, it's usually pretty empty
on Easter Sunday.
54
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I guess all the gentiles
are out hunting for eggs.
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You are Jewish?
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Yep.
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Very cool.
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Mm-hmm.
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Alexander.
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Nandor.
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Thanks for the spot, pal.
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It was my pleasure.
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So, what meshuggaas--
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that means stuff--
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is everyone doing tonight?
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If you're only asking us
what we're doing
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so you can tell us what
you're doing, we don't care.
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Relax, I'm just kibitzing.
Besides,
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I have acquired a new friend.
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- Oh.
- -And now we are going to the movies
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together.
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We are mishpocha.
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Oh, yes.
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My new friend--
he's the total package.
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Has a great sense of humor,
loves to work out
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and he's Jewish.
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What difference
does it make if he's Jewish?
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It doesn't,
but back in Al Qolnidar,
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I always heard stories
about the Jews.
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Exceptionally proud people,
fierce warriors,
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00:03:09,933 --> 00:03:11,968
but I never actually
got to meet one.
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I had no idea there were Jews
in New York City.
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And now I am proud
to call one my friend.
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Oh. That's great.
What-What's his name?
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Well, look who
suddenly reappeared
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now that I'm kvelling
about my new friend.
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- I've been here the whole time.
- -Well, if you must know,
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his name is Alexander.
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Alexander the Jew.
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Nope. I don't think
that's his name.
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Quit your kvetching.
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I really
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couldn't care less
about being comptroller.
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Hello! I am Colin Robinson.
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I am running for comptroller.
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-Can she vote?
-Uh, no.
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-Okay, then don't.
-Ooh.
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I'd rather it lay on the ground
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than go into her hands.
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I'm only doing it
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because the debate stage
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is a great place
for a mega drain.
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You know, it's reallyno surprise the amount
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-Uh, we're good.
-of energy vampires in politics.
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- Colin, stop it.
- What are you running for?
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- Touch this.
- What are you doing?
107
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- Touch it.
- Stop doing that.
108
00:04:02,853 --> 00:04:05,287
But the perfect campaign
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needs the perfect wife.
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I have an old flame
that comes here.
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Once we accept that
they are never coming back
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to sweep us off our feet
with an unexpected...
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E-Evie Russell?
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Colin Robinson.
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W-What are you doing here?
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Evie, please. I-I need you.
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I didn't think
I'd ever see you again
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after you fled the scene
of the accident
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that left me partially blind.
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- And completely unable
to move my legs.
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Oh, Evie.
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Evie Russell
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is an emotional vampire.
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The doctor said,
"She'd be better off dead."
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She drains peopleby feeding on their emotions.
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And then he hung himself
while he was masturbating.
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- Oh.
- When we dated,
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she destroyed meand fed off of the remnants
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of what used to be my heart.
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She's the best.
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00:05:01,945 --> 00:05:04,380
Oh, I've never stopped
thinking about you.
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00:05:04,413 --> 00:05:06,482
I mean, even after
all these years.
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00:05:06,516 --> 00:05:09,653
To me, you are perfect.
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00:05:09,686 --> 00:05:11,387
Love Actually, 2003.
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I wish I knew how to quit you.
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Brokeback Mountain, 2005.
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I got you this necklace.
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Titanic, 1997.
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- It looks beautiful on you.
- Thank you.
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Ever since I stumbled on
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the neighborhoodof Little Antipaxos,
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I have been spending my nights
with a delightful family.
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00:05:45,973 --> 00:05:47,308
No, I-I have eaten...
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Being with them makes me feel
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almost human.
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I've been helping my new familyby actually working.
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And maybe these simple acts
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of kindness, compassion,
and friendship
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might help lift this
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pissing Antipaxon curse
that I have all over me.
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00:06:02,822 --> 00:06:04,858
But...they keep asking
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to meet Laszlo.
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Laszlo is not from Antipaxos,
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and Antipaxonsare very, very suspicious
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of outsiders.
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He's coming tonight.
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Now you see,what you must understand is
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courting a partner's
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family is just as important
as courting the lover.
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So, I have done
deep research into
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these simple island folk.
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I learned their customs,their dress.
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What the fuck are you wearing?
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I'm dressed as an islander.
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These people are peasants.
166
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It's important I fit in,
my darling.
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Their way of speaking.
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Me, Laszlo.
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Do you people have names
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or do you communicate
with sticks?
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I had become one of them.
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I think this is going well.
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This is the matriarch of this
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very important family to me,
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-okay? Yes?
-Yeah, yeah.
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-Yia-Yia.
-Yia-Yia.
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Lovely to meet you, I'm sure.
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He was dropped on his head
as a baby.
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00:07:05,619 --> 00:07:07,588
Any big plans
for the summertime?
180
00:07:07,621 --> 00:07:09,290
Not really.
181
00:07:09,323 --> 00:07:12,526
So, I met Nandor at the gym.I was doing
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my reps, and he, uh,
I don't know,
183
00:07:14,595 --> 00:07:18,132
he-he seemed harmless and
184
00:07:18,165 --> 00:07:20,934
kind of lonely, and, uh...
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then he asked me here, and...
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I don't know, I'm here.
Uh, I don't know.
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It just happened.
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- You are enjoying the movie?
- Shh!
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00:07:35,582 --> 00:07:38,118
I remember the first time
I went to one.
190
00:07:38,152 --> 00:07:40,154
There was a locomotion film
playing.
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00:07:40,187 --> 00:07:41,488
And we all thought,
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"This train's gonna kill us!"
And, of course--
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- Shut up!
- Shh.
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00:07:44,992 --> 00:07:48,295
Yes. Yes, you're right.
195
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Zero is the amount
of paperwork you'd have to file
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-after I replace
-Excuse me.
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our entire outdated system...
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00:07:59,073 --> 00:08:01,075
Mr. Robinson, are you all right?
199
00:08:01,108 --> 00:08:03,410
Yeah. No, no.
It's not my turn. You go.
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00:08:03,444 --> 00:08:06,046
With a seamless, user-friendly,
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00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:07,514
digital platform.
202
00:08:07,548 --> 00:08:10,284
Eliminate bureaucracy.
203
00:08:10,317 --> 00:08:13,020
Say goodbye to paperwork.
204
00:08:13,053 --> 00:08:16,223
And hello to anarchy.
205
00:08:16,256 --> 00:08:17,591
You're-you're clapping
for an anarchist.
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00:08:17,624 --> 00:08:19,893
Thank you. Thank you very much.
207
00:08:19,927 --> 00:08:22,563
- Four weeks
ago, when I started this...
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Check, check.
Microphone, microphone.
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00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:28,068
With the debate stage,
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what you have
is a captive audience.
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Do you know how this...
212
00:08:34,208 --> 00:08:37,544
It's like a smorgasbord.
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Four weeks ago,
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I was sitting down
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for breakfast with my
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00:08:46,620 --> 00:08:48,088
beautiful wife, Evie.
217
00:08:48,122 --> 00:08:50,657
Evie and I were sitting down
with our two
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beautiful little boys,
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00:08:53,961 --> 00:08:56,397
Connor and
C-C-- Cah-- ristopher,
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00:08:56,430 --> 00:08:58,665
and Christopher
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00:08:58,699 --> 00:09:00,367
looks up to me-- he's
222
00:09:00,401 --> 00:09:04,037
six years old
and full of the dickens--
223
00:09:06,073 --> 00:09:09,510
And I said, "Well,
it's because of the taxes,
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00:09:09,543 --> 00:09:10,644
Conno-- Christopher."
225
00:09:12,446 --> 00:09:16,116
And I'll be damned if there's
anyone in this hall right now...
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00:09:19,186 --> 00:09:21,455
...smells often of beef stew,
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00:09:21,488 --> 00:09:23,557
as all young children do.
228
00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:29,963
Your allowance is being cut
229
00:09:29,997 --> 00:09:31,665
because mommy lost her job.
230
00:09:31,698 --> 00:09:34,101
Mommy lost her job to
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00:09:34,134 --> 00:09:37,271
an M'er-F'ing machine.
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00:09:37,304 --> 00:09:38,605
A machine that
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00:09:38,639 --> 00:09:40,674
ran over my foot
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00:09:40,707 --> 00:09:42,543
on a factory floor.
235
00:09:42,576 --> 00:09:44,244
- Unbelievable.
- And is a-a
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00:09:44,278 --> 00:09:47,481
machine gonna tuck my two sons--
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00:09:47,514 --> 00:09:50,651
who are full of the dickens--
into bed?
238
00:09:50,684 --> 00:09:53,754
You think that machine
can give my boys
239
00:09:53,787 --> 00:09:55,389
their goodnight kissies?
240
00:09:55,422 --> 00:09:58,125
How's that gonna work?
Bleep, bloop, bloop, mwah.
241
00:09:58,158 --> 00:10:01,562
I sure would like
to meet that machine
242
00:10:01,595 --> 00:10:04,264
and tell it to pay
for my medical bills.
243
00:10:07,167 --> 00:10:09,136
That machine
ruined our gosh darn
244
00:10:09,169 --> 00:10:11,672
C-Chrosstopher's life.
245
00:10:14,074 --> 00:10:17,244
No, really, you were so good.
246
00:10:17,277 --> 00:10:19,413
I-I doubt I'll get
a single vote.
247
00:10:19,446 --> 00:10:21,248
Oh. Very nice.
248
00:10:21,281 --> 00:10:23,617
So, what do you want to do now?
249
00:10:23,650 --> 00:10:25,419
Oh, I don't know.
We could catch up.
250
00:10:25,452 --> 00:10:27,054
I really have thought about you
251
00:10:27,087 --> 00:10:29,690
quite a bit
these last few years.
252
00:10:29,723 --> 00:10:31,658
-I guess our Uber is here.
-Yeah.
253
00:10:31,692 --> 00:10:33,360
- Oh.
- Not our Uber.
254
00:10:33,393 --> 00:10:34,628
Oh! Ow.
255
00:10:34,661 --> 00:10:35,996
What the hell?!
256
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:46,168
European Middle Ages, in which
257
00:10:46,202 --> 00:10:48,137
monks wore hoods or cowls...
258
00:10:48,170 --> 00:10:50,006
This is triggering because
I was blind as a child,
259
00:10:50,039 --> 00:10:51,741
and I'm having flashbacks.
260
00:10:51,774 --> 00:10:54,443
Enough! Be quiet!
261
00:10:54,477 --> 00:10:55,578
You guys can join us,
262
00:10:55,611 --> 00:10:57,880
but if you're hoping to get
any interesting footage,
263
00:10:57,914 --> 00:10:59,949
you came to exactly
the wrong place.
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00:11:05,855 --> 00:11:07,089
Ow.
265
00:11:07,123 --> 00:11:09,458
Where-where are we?
266
00:11:09,492 --> 00:11:10,526
Wait, a-are you...
267
00:11:10,559 --> 00:11:12,895
Okay. Uh, so,
268
00:11:12,929 --> 00:11:15,064
calling to order
this emergency meeting
269
00:11:15,097 --> 00:11:18,234
of the Supreme Council
of Energy Vampires.
270
00:11:18,268 --> 00:11:19,902
It's real?
271
00:11:19,936 --> 00:11:21,170
I'd always heard rumors, but...
272
00:11:21,203 --> 00:11:23,739
A-Are we in trouble?
273
00:11:23,773 --> 00:11:25,608
Well, uh, what we have here
274
00:11:25,641 --> 00:11:28,110
is a situation in...
275
00:11:28,144 --> 00:11:30,212
Sorry, let me turn that off.
276
00:11:30,247 --> 00:11:33,582
So annoying, right?
Like, "Okay, Boomer."
277
00:11:33,616 --> 00:11:36,652
As I-I was saying, uh,
what we do have here
278
00:11:36,686 --> 00:11:39,188
is a situation in which we...
279
00:11:39,221 --> 00:11:40,957
- Hey.
- -Uh, what you're gonna want to do
280
00:11:40,990 --> 00:11:43,826
is go to your home screen
281
00:11:43,859 --> 00:11:46,228
and look for "Settings."
282
00:11:46,263 --> 00:11:47,563
- I'm not... I'm not seeing that.
- And you open that up,
283
00:11:47,596 --> 00:11:48,965
and you're looking for "Alerts."
284
00:11:48,998 --> 00:11:50,900
- It should be
listed alphabetical, - I...
285
00:11:50,933 --> 00:11:53,035
- so "Alerts" would be at the top of that.
- -I am not seeing that.
286
00:11:53,069 --> 00:11:55,037
It could also be under
"Sounds and Haptics."
287
00:11:55,071 --> 00:11:56,672
I don't know what
operating system you're running.
288
00:11:56,706 --> 00:11:59,675
Sorry I'm late.
What'd I miss?
289
00:11:59,709 --> 00:12:00,843
You're not late.
You were actually sitting there
290
00:12:00,876 --> 00:12:01,877
the whole time.
291
00:12:01,911 --> 00:12:03,646
Yeah, but I-I wasn't listening,
292
00:12:03,679 --> 00:12:05,915
so could somebody bring me
up to speed, please?
293
00:12:05,948 --> 00:12:07,183
They were asking if
294
00:12:07,216 --> 00:12:09,618
they're in trouble,
and I was saying that
295
00:12:09,652 --> 00:12:11,520
what we have here
is a situation in which...
296
00:12:11,554 --> 00:12:13,723
- Shucks.
- Home screen.
297
00:12:13,756 --> 00:12:16,158
- Okay. Mm.
- "Settings."
298
00:12:16,192 --> 00:12:17,793
Alert settings,
299
00:12:17,827 --> 00:12:19,195
and then what
you're gonna need to do
300
00:12:19,228 --> 00:12:22,565
-is find the, uh...
-My God, they are fantastic.
301
00:12:22,598 --> 00:12:24,133
Oh, yeah. This is awful.
302
00:12:24,166 --> 00:12:25,201
Maybe we should move on
303
00:12:25,234 --> 00:12:26,569
to the business at hand?
304
00:12:26,602 --> 00:12:28,537
- We can't hear you.
- Just speak up.
305
00:12:28,571 --> 00:12:31,107
Oh, sorry. One moment.
306
00:12:31,140 --> 00:12:32,675
Just speak up.
307
00:12:32,708 --> 00:12:35,077
Shake it.
308
00:12:35,111 --> 00:12:36,712
Okay. How about now?
309
00:12:36,746 --> 00:12:37,947
-No, no. Shake it.
-Mm-mmm.
310
00:12:37,980 --> 00:12:39,682
Y-You're gonna need to speak up.
311
00:12:39,715 --> 00:12:41,550
Maybe it's the Wi-Fi connection.
312
00:12:41,584 --> 00:12:42,618
I'm literally shouting.
313
00:12:42,651 --> 00:12:44,321
That would literally
have nothing to do with it.
314
00:12:44,354 --> 00:12:46,088
Uh, why don't you check
315
00:12:46,122 --> 00:12:48,657
the XLR cable connection.
316
00:12:48,691 --> 00:12:50,760
Colin Robinson, Evie Russell,
317
00:12:50,793 --> 00:12:52,194
you have been summoned here...
318
00:12:52,228 --> 00:12:54,630
Does somebody want to
interrupt her and let her know
319
00:12:54,663 --> 00:12:57,099
that, at this point,
she is completely inaudible?
320
00:12:57,133 --> 00:12:59,668
Yeah, no problem.
You're not-you're not audible
321
00:12:59,702 --> 00:13:01,238
due to the low volume
322
00:13:01,271 --> 00:13:03,273
- of your microphone.
- I'm shouting.
323
00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:06,776
I am blowing up today.
324
00:13:06,809 --> 00:13:09,812
Listen, uh, if we don't
survive this,
325
00:13:09,845 --> 00:13:11,314
I-I just want you to know that
326
00:13:11,348 --> 00:13:12,648
- I've always loved...
- Colin Robinson,
327
00:13:12,681 --> 00:13:15,651
no side conversations, please.
328
00:13:15,684 --> 00:13:17,354
I am at a loss.
329
00:13:17,387 --> 00:13:18,621
Do we have an agenda?
330
00:13:18,654 --> 00:13:19,922
System settings.
331
00:13:19,955 --> 00:13:21,324
I have something
called Settings?
332
00:13:21,358 --> 00:13:22,992
My good friend Alexander
333
00:13:23,025 --> 00:13:25,127
has yet to call me backon the telephone.
334
00:13:25,161 --> 00:13:27,264
Who is that? Is that Alexander?
335
00:13:27,297 --> 00:13:29,165
No. Why would I be talking
to Alexander?
336
00:13:29,198 --> 00:13:32,335
I gave Alexander your number
because I do not have a phone.
337
00:13:32,369 --> 00:13:35,871
Does this fill me witha crippling sense of self-doubt?
338
00:13:35,905 --> 00:13:37,840
Sometimes.
339
00:13:37,873 --> 00:13:39,108
It's not fair!
340
00:13:39,141 --> 00:13:41,610
Perhaps we are justtoo different to be friends.
341
00:13:41,644 --> 00:13:43,346
But I can fix.
342
00:13:44,314 --> 00:13:47,083
Master, you know I would
do anything for you, but
343
00:13:47,116 --> 00:13:49,051
I'm not gonna circumcise you.
344
00:13:49,085 --> 00:13:50,686
Here's me in the corner.
345
00:13:50,719 --> 00:13:53,789
Here's me in the spotlight
at my circumcision.
346
00:13:53,823 --> 00:13:54,924
Master, you just can't
get circumcised
347
00:13:54,957 --> 00:13:56,125
for a friend you met at the gym.
348
00:13:56,158 --> 00:13:57,260
Guillermo, there's no other way.
349
00:13:57,294 --> 00:13:58,794
How can two men be friends
350
00:13:58,828 --> 00:14:00,062
when they are so different?
351
00:14:00,096 --> 00:14:01,063
You and I are different.
352
00:14:01,097 --> 00:14:03,099
You are. I am not.
353
00:14:03,132 --> 00:14:05,368
It's time for you
354
00:14:05,402 --> 00:14:08,305
to snip my tip.
355
00:14:08,338 --> 00:14:10,873
Enjoy.
356
00:14:12,808 --> 00:14:14,977
Hello, my sexy, Greek,
357
00:14:15,010 --> 00:14:16,212
extended family.
358
00:14:16,246 --> 00:14:17,247
Ah, Laszlo.
359
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:19,748
Gather round.
I have something I want to say.
360
00:14:19,782 --> 00:14:21,817
Oh, Laszlo, Yia-Yia.
361
00:14:21,851 --> 00:14:23,386
The memory of a song,
362
00:14:23,420 --> 00:14:24,687
when executed properly,
363
00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:26,289
can be a powerful gift.
364
00:14:35,365 --> 00:14:37,267
Had my sweet love, Laszlo,
365
00:14:37,300 --> 00:14:38,368
consulted me before just
366
00:14:38,401 --> 00:14:40,703
putting on a big concert
in front of my new family,
367
00:14:40,736 --> 00:14:43,406
I would have probably said
maybe don't sing the battle hymn
368
00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:46,343
of our neighboring island,
Nisida Mongonisi,
369
00:14:46,376 --> 00:14:49,111
because that place is the home
of our mortal enemies,
370
00:14:49,145 --> 00:14:50,313
the Nisida Mongonisans.
371
00:14:51,747 --> 00:14:53,250
-Hold on a second, my--
-Shut up!
372
00:14:53,283 --> 00:14:55,918
Who told you
that was a good idea?!
373
00:14:55,951 --> 00:14:57,387
- All right, my darling.
- You were singing,
374
00:14:57,420 --> 00:14:58,954
"Kill them, kill them,kill them."
375
00:14:58,988 --> 00:15:01,223
How many times have I said that
to you in Greek?
376
00:15:02,392 --> 00:15:04,394
We can't hear you.
377
00:15:04,427 --> 00:15:06,228
You're just gonna
need to speak up.
378
00:15:06,263 --> 00:15:08,331
Feels like we should
turn this over
379
00:15:08,365 --> 00:15:09,999
to the chairman at this point.
380
00:15:10,032 --> 00:15:13,035
Yes. Uh, so, uh, do we...
381
00:15:13,068 --> 00:15:16,473
-Um...
-Hello. Yes.
382
00:15:16,506 --> 00:15:18,408
I can take it from here.
383
00:15:18,441 --> 00:15:21,877
Thank you for softening them up.
384
00:15:21,911 --> 00:15:24,381
Okay.
Now, who is this?
385
00:15:24,414 --> 00:15:25,382
- The Chairman.
- -Uh, you've worked with her
386
00:15:25,415 --> 00:15:27,917
- for 15 years now.
- Is that right?
387
00:15:27,950 --> 00:15:29,051
Did she get
a haircut or something?
388
00:15:29,084 --> 00:15:30,219
Colin Robinson.
389
00:15:30,253 --> 00:15:33,390
Your opponent
Barbara Lazarro's platform
390
00:15:33,423 --> 00:15:35,458
is a direct threat
to the lifeblood
391
00:15:35,492 --> 00:15:37,460
of energy vampires,
392
00:15:37,494 --> 00:15:39,362
which is--
393
00:15:39,396 --> 00:15:41,030
what's the word--
394
00:15:41,063 --> 00:15:42,432
bureaucracy.
395
00:15:42,465 --> 00:15:45,502
- Bureaucracy.
- And bureaucracy is...
396
00:15:45,535 --> 00:15:48,103
How do I put this?
I feel like there's
397
00:15:48,137 --> 00:15:49,439
-a slogan...
-Oh.
398
00:15:49,472 --> 00:15:51,408
Bureaucracy is the gum
399
00:15:51,441 --> 00:15:54,176
that clogs the gears
of every human endeavor.
400
00:15:54,210 --> 00:15:56,279
The petty BS, in triplicate,
401
00:15:56,313 --> 00:15:57,247
that reminds
402
00:15:57,280 --> 00:16:00,049
the common man that
he is a useless speck
403
00:16:00,082 --> 00:16:01,518
and has kept energy vampires
404
00:16:01,551 --> 00:16:04,853
everywhere well-fed,
fat, and happy.
405
00:16:04,887 --> 00:16:07,490
All hail bureaucracy.
406
00:16:07,524 --> 00:16:10,125
Enough.
I can't take it anymore.
407
00:16:10,159 --> 00:16:12,395
Why are we here?
W-What do you want us to do?
408
00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:15,432
You must beat Barbara Lazarro,
409
00:16:15,465 --> 00:16:16,366
or else.
410
00:16:16,399 --> 00:16:19,201
How do you expect me
to beat Barbara Lazarro?
411
00:16:19,235 --> 00:16:20,370
I-I can't win.
412
00:16:20,403 --> 00:16:21,538
Even if I could,
413
00:16:21,571 --> 00:16:23,939
I don't even want
to be comptroller.
414
00:16:23,973 --> 00:16:26,243
This is how we feed, dummy.
415
00:16:26,276 --> 00:16:28,844
You need to protect
our way of life.
416
00:16:28,877 --> 00:16:29,912
What if I don't?
417
00:16:29,945 --> 00:16:32,382
We have certain methods
418
00:16:32,415 --> 00:16:34,451
for persuading the reluctant.
419
00:16:37,886 --> 00:16:39,422
Turn it around. It's backwards.
420
00:16:39,456 --> 00:16:40,557
- I can't see it.
- It's backwards.
421
00:16:40,590 --> 00:16:42,359
Turn it so it faces them,
422
00:16:42,392 --> 00:16:43,426
but also is facing me.
423
00:16:43,460 --> 00:16:46,463
Turn it so the screen
is facing us.
424
00:16:46,496 --> 00:16:47,564
- No, they can't see it.
- To the left more.
425
00:16:47,597 --> 00:16:49,566
- Left, left.
- -Please be more expedient.
426
00:16:49,599 --> 00:16:50,567
Thank you.
427
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:54,169
Slide one of 543:
428
00:16:54,203 --> 00:16:56,473
"Hurry Up and Wait:
An Argument for
429
00:16:56,506 --> 00:16:58,508
- "and Statistical Review
- Make it stop.
430
00:16:58,541 --> 00:17:01,444
-"of Energy Vampire Preservation
-It's too much.
431
00:17:01,478 --> 00:17:02,412
"Via Bureaucracy,
432
00:17:02,445 --> 00:17:03,879
- Secured Only Through..."
- Fine. Fine.
433
00:17:03,912 --> 00:17:05,814
We-We'll do it, just...
434
00:17:05,848 --> 00:17:07,450
please let us out of here.
435
00:17:07,484 --> 00:17:09,552
Thanks, but we-we're
still gonna read it.
436
00:17:09,586 --> 00:17:11,521
Just to reiterate. Still gonna
437
00:17:11,554 --> 00:17:13,456
- watch it and read it.
- -"Part One, Section One..."
438
00:17:16,245 --> 00:17:18,414
And I'm here to fight
for the change you deserve,
439
00:17:18,447 --> 00:17:22,385
Staten Island. And with
all of you, my Colin-izers,
440
00:17:22,418 --> 00:17:24,420
by my side, I can't lose.
441
00:17:24,453 --> 00:17:27,423
I'm so full of passion,
442
00:17:27,456 --> 00:17:28,990
I just want to scream!
443
00:17:30,959 --> 00:17:33,862
And now we're off
to Mariners Harbor,
444
00:17:33,895 --> 00:17:35,231
Midland Beach,
445
00:17:35,264 --> 00:17:38,434
Randall Manor. Yee-haw!
446
00:17:38,467 --> 00:17:40,403
Okay. I'm just gonna take
447
00:17:40,436 --> 00:17:42,505
a quick break now
to settle down.
448
00:17:42,538 --> 00:17:45,441
I can't keep doing this.
449
00:17:45,474 --> 00:17:49,044
Uh, I can't keep
pretending to be
450
00:17:49,077 --> 00:17:51,247
Mr. Charisma
to all these nimrods.
451
00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:52,847
It's awful.
452
00:17:52,881 --> 00:17:54,450
But the Energy Vampire
Council said
453
00:17:54,483 --> 00:17:57,118
we have to win, or else.
454
00:17:58,287 --> 00:17:59,988
No. No. No.
455
00:18:00,021 --> 00:18:02,757
Enough. It ends now.
456
00:18:02,791 --> 00:18:04,527
What?
457
00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:06,495
Okay, where was I?
458
00:18:06,529 --> 00:18:09,498
Let's see here. Meiers Corners.
459
00:18:09,532 --> 00:18:11,766
Graniteville.
How about Fort Wadsworth?
460
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:13,001
Do I hear anyone from
461
00:18:13,034 --> 00:18:14,970
Randall Manor?!
462
00:18:15,003 --> 00:18:17,440
All right!
463
00:18:17,473 --> 00:18:19,141
What?
464
00:18:19,175 --> 00:18:22,043
Oh, i-it-it's not
what it looks like.
465
00:18:22,077 --> 00:18:24,380
I was just beating off
466
00:18:24,413 --> 00:18:26,215
to all your beautiful faces
467
00:18:26,249 --> 00:18:28,116
during the break, and I-I guess
468
00:18:28,150 --> 00:18:31,387
I forgot to pull up my-my pants.
469
00:18:31,420 --> 00:18:34,257
So, I waited, like,
470
00:18:34,290 --> 00:18:36,192
five hours at the gym
471
00:18:36,225 --> 00:18:38,494
to bump intomy friend Alexander.
472
00:18:38,527 --> 00:18:41,430
Then, when he finallydid show up...
473
00:18:41,464 --> 00:18:44,233
Alexander! Come on.
Oh, Alexander!
474
00:18:44,267 --> 00:18:45,334
I don't know.
475
00:18:45,368 --> 00:18:48,437
Maybe I rushed things a little
with my big reveal.
476
00:18:48,471 --> 00:18:51,574
Alexander! Ta-da!
477
00:18:51,607 --> 00:18:53,175
Twins.
478
00:18:53,209 --> 00:18:54,443
Alexander, wait.
479
00:18:54,477 --> 00:18:56,479
I got to get out
of this fucking city.
480
00:18:56,512 --> 00:18:57,812
Alexander!
481
00:18:57,846 --> 00:18:59,415
The excitement of our friendship
482
00:18:59,448 --> 00:19:00,815
made me overlookmy vampire powers.
483
00:19:00,849 --> 00:19:02,251
Hi.
484
00:19:02,285 --> 00:19:05,254
My foreskin grew back very fast.
485
00:19:05,288 --> 00:19:07,290
Now he thinks I'm meshuggener,
486
00:19:07,323 --> 00:19:10,526
which means he thinks
I'm a little bit of a putz.
487
00:19:17,300 --> 00:19:18,900
Shh.
488
00:19:21,170 --> 00:19:22,605
Shh. Pss, pss, pss, pss.
489
00:19:22,638 --> 00:19:23,972
No, don't stop,
not on my account.
490
00:19:24,005 --> 00:19:25,474
Keep going.
491
00:19:25,508 --> 00:19:27,543
Now, I know I'm different
from you people,
492
00:19:27,576 --> 00:19:28,910
but I am who I am.
493
00:19:28,943 --> 00:19:30,579
"And who are you?"
I hear you ask.
494
00:19:30,613 --> 00:19:32,581
- Fuck's sake.
- -Well, that's a good question.
495
00:19:32,615 --> 00:19:34,617
I...
496
00:19:34,650 --> 00:19:37,118
am an esteemed
British gentleman,
497
00:19:37,153 --> 00:19:38,587
well-bred to the manor born.
498
00:19:38,621 --> 00:19:40,623
I can speak 14 languages,
499
00:19:40,656 --> 00:19:41,956
as long as they are English.
500
00:19:41,990 --> 00:19:43,592
I can play any instrument,
501
00:19:43,626 --> 00:19:45,294
apart from bagpipes.
502
00:19:45,328 --> 00:19:47,296
They sound fucking terrible
to everyone.
503
00:19:47,330 --> 00:19:49,198
I can fashion any tree,
504
00:19:49,231 --> 00:19:50,965
any hedge, into a vulva.
505
00:19:50,999 --> 00:19:53,001
In the days before medicine,
I survived
506
00:19:53,034 --> 00:19:55,538
gonorrhea, chlamydia,
507
00:19:55,571 --> 00:19:58,641
the plague, clubfoot, leprosy,
508
00:19:58,674 --> 00:20:01,210
black fever, yellow fever,
509
00:20:01,243 --> 00:20:03,145
night fever.
510
00:20:03,179 --> 00:20:05,481
But most important,
and I must emphasize
511
00:20:05,514 --> 00:20:07,516
that this is the most important
thing about me:
512
00:20:07,550 --> 00:20:10,519
I am a certified
513
00:20:10,553 --> 00:20:12,053
master cocksman.
514
00:20:12,087 --> 00:20:13,656
To cut this short
515
00:20:13,689 --> 00:20:15,324
and to get straight
to the point,
516
00:20:15,358 --> 00:20:18,527
you can all go
f-f-fuck yourselves.
517
00:20:18,561 --> 00:20:19,628
Oh, for fuck's sake, Laszlo.
518
00:20:19,662 --> 00:20:22,465
Very hard.
519
00:20:25,934 --> 00:20:26,535
What's she doing, my love?
520
00:20:26,569 --> 00:20:28,903
What's happening?
521
00:20:35,076 --> 00:20:38,614
By some stroke of dumb luck,
522
00:20:38,647 --> 00:20:41,517
my new family absolutely
bloody love Laszlo.
523
00:20:41,550 --> 00:20:44,420
You see, there is a talein my country
524
00:20:44,453 --> 00:20:46,222
that has been passed down
through generations
525
00:20:46,255 --> 00:20:48,224
of a wet-headed,
526
00:20:48,257 --> 00:20:50,559
wide-bodied, ignorant oaf,
527
00:20:50,593 --> 00:20:52,194
with the brains
of a chewing gums.
528
00:20:52,228 --> 00:20:55,164
This spirit is said tocontinually reincarnate itself,
529
00:20:55,197 --> 00:20:58,099
but always as a pompous,perverted oaf.
530
00:20:58,134 --> 00:21:00,569
And my family thinkit is, well,
531
00:21:00,603 --> 00:21:02,238
Laszlo.
532
00:21:02,271 --> 00:21:05,106
And when you are in the presenceof this spirit,
533
00:21:05,141 --> 00:21:08,076
it brings good luckand good fortune to everyone.
534
00:21:08,109 --> 00:21:09,445
Hello there. How are you?
535
00:21:09,478 --> 00:21:11,547
Vasili�s Pyuroni.
536
00:21:11,580 --> 00:21:13,649
The king of pigs.
537
00:21:13,682 --> 00:21:16,385
My king of pigs.
538
00:21:17,686 --> 00:21:20,955
He's very, very, very stupid.
539
00:21:20,989 --> 00:21:24,260
I want to say to my young boys,
540
00:21:24,293 --> 00:21:26,462
uh, Connor and Cra--
541
00:21:26,495 --> 00:21:28,597
Christoph... pher,
542
00:21:28,631 --> 00:21:31,966
to them, I say I'm sorry,
Daddy's coming home.
543
00:21:34,136 --> 00:21:36,971
I-I'd like to say
a few words myself.
544
00:21:38,072 --> 00:21:40,309
Thank you in advance
545
00:21:40,342 --> 00:21:43,612
for respecting
my family's privacy--
546
00:21:43,646 --> 00:21:46,682
don't touch me--
547
00:21:46,715 --> 00:21:50,486
while we deal
with this isolated incident
548
00:21:50,519 --> 00:21:53,522
in which my husband
549
00:21:53,556 --> 00:21:56,225
flashed and mooned
550
00:21:56,258 --> 00:21:58,427
the beautiful voters
551
00:21:58,461 --> 00:22:00,094
of Staten Island
552
00:22:00,129 --> 00:22:02,997
after a poorly-timed
553
00:22:03,031 --> 00:22:04,733
masturbation sesh.
554
00:22:04,767 --> 00:22:08,571
As well as
the isolated incident in which
555
00:22:08,604 --> 00:22:11,005
we woke up to
556
00:22:11,039 --> 00:22:13,309
what sounded like a burglar
in our house,
557
00:22:13,342 --> 00:22:15,611
and my husband
immediately yelled,
558
00:22:15,644 --> 00:22:18,514
"Take her and my kids,
don't take me"
559
00:22:18,547 --> 00:22:20,216
before realizing
560
00:22:20,249 --> 00:22:22,685
it was just a racoon
outside our house.
561
00:22:23,652 --> 00:22:26,020
This man has let us all down.
562
00:22:26,054 --> 00:22:27,523
But I will make it up to you
563
00:22:27,556 --> 00:22:30,459
by becoming your next
borough comptroller.
564
00:22:31,827 --> 00:22:33,262
All right!
565
00:22:38,834 --> 00:22:40,603
I was surprised that
566
00:22:40,636 --> 00:22:44,206
Evie ran in my place.Only
567
00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:46,308
18 people voted.
568
00:22:46,342 --> 00:22:48,042
So, with the write-in votes
569
00:22:48,076 --> 00:22:49,812
that Evie got from her
570
00:22:49,845 --> 00:22:51,747
breakup group--
571
00:22:51,780 --> 00:22:54,383
well, it was enoughto carry the day.
572
00:22:54,416 --> 00:22:55,818
I think she'll do
573
00:22:55,851 --> 00:22:57,586
the council proud.
I-I'm
574
00:22:57,620 --> 00:23:00,088
-happy for her.
-Colin Robinson.
575
00:23:00,121 --> 00:23:02,725
Evie Russell.
What are you doing here?
576
00:23:02,758 --> 00:23:05,093
I wanted to let you know...
577
00:23:07,396 --> 00:23:08,831
I'm sad.
578
00:23:08,864 --> 00:23:12,334
Why? I thought you'd enjoy
being comptroller.
579
00:23:12,368 --> 00:23:15,103
I'm sad because
580
00:23:15,137 --> 00:23:16,805
we can't see each other anymore.
581
00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:20,576
But maybe you and I
582
00:23:20,609 --> 00:23:23,712
could meet up
every once in a while
583
00:23:23,746 --> 00:23:26,515
-and later...
-I don't want to do that.
584
00:23:26,549 --> 00:23:28,617
-But maybe w-we can--
-I-I'm sorry.
585
00:23:28,651 --> 00:23:31,453
-I should give this back to you.
-Yeah, I want this back.
586
00:23:31,487 --> 00:23:33,822
I hope you didn't
pay too much for it.
587
00:23:33,856 --> 00:23:35,491
It gave me a rash,
so I think it's made of
588
00:23:35,524 --> 00:23:37,091
some kind of really cheap metal.
589
00:23:37,126 --> 00:23:38,561
It's not metal.
590
00:23:38,594 --> 00:23:40,763
Oh. Well...
591
00:23:40,796 --> 00:23:43,632
I wish it didn't
have to be this way.
592
00:23:46,769 --> 00:23:49,171
Evie, wh-why?
593
00:23:49,204 --> 00:23:51,507
It's...
594
00:23:51,540 --> 00:23:53,676
complicated.
595
00:23:56,845 --> 00:23:58,480
Nancy Meyers,
596
00:23:58,514 --> 00:23:59,715
2009.
597
00:24:02,151 --> 00:24:05,588
? Don't say goodbye,don't make me cry ?
598
00:24:05,621 --> 00:24:08,223
? Doo-wop, doo-wop ?
599
00:24:08,257 --> 00:24:11,894
? It would only break my heart ?
600
00:24:11,927 --> 00:24:14,129
? Doo-wop, doo-wop... ?
601
00:24:15,664 --> 00:24:17,566
Nothing like spending some
quality time with old frien--
602
00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:19,134
Shh! Shut the fuck up.
603
00:24:19,168 --> 00:24:21,203
I'm trying to watch
a movie here.
604
00:24:23,739 --> 00:24:27,810
? Don't say goodbye,don't make me cry ?
605
00:24:27,843 --> 00:24:29,778
? Doo-wop, doo-wop ?
606
00:24:29,812 --> 00:24:33,515
? It would only break my heart ?
607
00:24:33,549 --> 00:24:35,884
? Doo-wop, doo-wop ?
608
00:24:35,918 --> 00:24:39,355
? If you ever, ever leave ?
609
00:24:39,388 --> 00:24:41,890
? Doo-wop, doo-wop ?
610
00:24:41,924 --> 00:24:44,760
? Then you know ?
611
00:24:44,793 --> 00:24:48,163
? Don't say goodbye,don't make me cry ?
612
00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:54,603
? Don't ever take your lovefrom me ?
613
00:24:56,972 --> 00:24:59,808
? Our lovecould last eternally ?
614
00:24:59,842 --> 00:25:04,847
? Eternally. ?
615
00:25:04,897 --> 00:25:09,447
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