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1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:03,045
[fan blades rattling]
2
00:00:13,597 --> 00:00:16,850
♪ eerie vocalizing ♪
3
00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:20,354
♪
4
00:00:27,569 --> 00:00:29,446
[rattling stops]
5
00:00:33,325 --> 00:00:35,410
JULIO:
This heat is fucking you up, too, huh?
6
00:00:36,495 --> 00:00:37,496
LUIS:
Nah, dawg.
7
00:00:37,496 --> 00:00:38,956
It's Ruby.
8
00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:41,625
- You guys weren't
even dating for that long.
9
00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:43,585
- Well, fuck you, bitch.
10
00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:46,088
When you and Maggie broke up,
you were all sad about it,
11
00:00:46,088 --> 00:00:48,131
and you didn't even like her that much.
12
00:00:48,131 --> 00:00:49,550
Imagine being like that
13
00:00:50,634 --> 00:00:51,844
but with your soulmate.
14
00:00:51,844 --> 00:00:54,263
- Hey, hey, hey,
I'm trying to sleep over here.
15
00:00:54,930 --> 00:00:57,307
Can you guys be sad quietly, please?
16
00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,018
Jesus.
17
00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:04,273
LUIS: She could be
anywhere in the world right now.
18
00:01:04,273 --> 00:01:05,983
♪ vocalizing continues ♪
19
00:01:05,983 --> 00:01:08,277
Probably getting rammed
by some exotic fool.
20
00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:10,112
♪
21
00:01:10,112 --> 00:01:11,071
Fuck.
22
00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:12,614
♪
23
00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:16,535
[man snoring]
24
00:01:23,375 --> 00:01:26,461
♪ vocalizing continues ♪
25
00:01:26,461 --> 00:01:29,673
♪
26
00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:33,969
JULIO TAMBIÉN:
Good morning, sleepy head.
27
00:01:33,969 --> 00:01:37,306
How did my angel sleep last night?
28
00:01:38,015 --> 00:01:39,558
[yawning]
29
00:01:39,558 --> 00:01:40,601
- Like shit.
30
00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:43,645
- We gotta sign you up
for one of those sleep studies.
31
00:01:44,146 --> 00:01:45,981
Mwah.
32
00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:47,941
[chuckles softly]
33
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:50,736
So I have that hearing this afternoon
34
00:01:50,736 --> 00:01:53,155
and it's looking like
I'm gonna be able to get amnesty
35
00:01:53,155 --> 00:01:54,323
for those Haitian immigrants,
36
00:01:54,323 --> 00:01:56,825
but I shouldn't be too late
37
00:01:56,825 --> 00:01:59,578
so I was thinking maybe
38
00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:01,872
sex tonight?
39
00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:07,961
Alright, I'll pick up
something light for dinner.
40
00:02:08,837 --> 00:02:10,255
[humming]
41
00:02:14,218 --> 00:02:14,927
[phone chimes]
42
00:02:18,222 --> 00:02:22,017
♪ theme music playing ♪
43
00:02:22,017 --> 00:02:27,439
♪
44
00:02:41,703 --> 00:02:43,455
♪ upbeat music playing ♪
45
00:02:43,455 --> 00:02:44,665
- ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
46
00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:47,042
- Hey, Ashley.
- Jason?
47
00:02:47,042 --> 00:02:48,252
[studio audience applauding]
48
00:02:48,919 --> 00:02:50,003
What are you doing here?
49
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:51,839
It's past curfew.
50
00:02:51,839 --> 00:02:53,298
- I was just wondering,
51
00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:55,884
will you go to junior prom with me?
52
00:02:55,884 --> 00:02:56,844
[audience oohing]
53
00:02:57,344 --> 00:03:00,264
- But, Jason, we broke up yesterday.
54
00:03:00,264 --> 00:03:01,348
[audience laughing]
55
00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:03,267
JASON [on TV]:
I know we did Ashley,
56
00:03:03,267 --> 00:03:05,060
but I was just sort of wondering
57
00:03:05,060 --> 00:03:08,772
if we could maybe, like, un-break up?
58
00:03:08,772 --> 00:03:10,023
[audience oohing and laughing]
59
00:03:10,774 --> 00:03:12,067
- This show's stupid.
60
00:03:12,067 --> 00:03:14,611
- Sorry, but I can't, Jason.
61
00:03:14,611 --> 00:03:17,739
It just wouldn't be fair... to Lason.
62
00:03:18,490 --> 00:03:20,450
- What kinda stupid-ass name is Lason?
63
00:03:20,450 --> 00:03:22,911
And why did Jason go all the way
to her house to talk to her?
64
00:03:22,911 --> 00:03:24,204
Why didn't he just text her?
65
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:26,665
- Jason got in trouble
for stealing a pack of gum
66
00:03:26,665 --> 00:03:27,916
so his phone got taken away.
67
00:03:27,916 --> 00:03:29,334
He's kind of a bad boy.
68
00:03:29,334 --> 00:03:31,336
ASHLEY:
Plus, he's a history whiz.
69
00:03:31,336 --> 00:03:33,797
Lason knows all the names
of the presidents
70
00:03:33,797 --> 00:03:35,966
and he says that I'm his First Lady.
71
00:03:35,966 --> 00:03:38,302
- But why do their parents
let teenagers have zip lines
72
00:03:38,302 --> 00:03:39,595
into each other's rooms?
73
00:03:39,595 --> 00:03:41,722
Can we watch something else, please?
74
00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:44,141
AURORA: But I wanna find out
if Ashley and Jason get back together.
75
00:03:44,141 --> 00:03:46,393
- Obviously, they're gonna
get back together.
76
00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:48,228
The show's called Ashley and Jason,
77
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:49,062
but you know what?
78
00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:50,772
Nobody should be together
since high school.
79
00:03:50,772 --> 00:03:52,941
- I want my skateboard back.
[gasps]
80
00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:54,943
- But you were going to
teach me how to ollie.
81
00:03:54,943 --> 00:03:57,321
JASON:
I guess Lason will have to teach you now.
82
00:03:57,321 --> 00:03:59,448
- [gasps] I hate you, Jason!
83
00:03:59,448 --> 00:04:00,699
Ugh!
84
00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:02,534
[Jason groans]
Jason!
85
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,954
Can we still be friends?
[audience laughs]
86
00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:09,333
- ♪ Ashley and Jason ♪
87
00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:11,418
- And the theme song sucks, too.
88
00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:13,337
- Mija, it's time to get ready for bed.
89
00:04:13,337 --> 00:04:14,630
- But it's too hot to sleep.
90
00:04:14,630 --> 00:04:16,215
- Get a fan from the closet.
91
00:04:16,215 --> 00:04:17,007
[sighs]
92
00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:19,843
- ♪ It's almost sexual ♪
93
00:04:19,843 --> 00:04:20,761
♪ But not quite yet ♪
94
00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:23,180
- Hey, dumbass,
why'd you tell her the show sucks?
95
00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:24,223
- Because it does.
96
00:04:24,223 --> 00:04:25,724
- Of course, it sucks. It's for kids.
97
00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:28,519
- That show makes me wanna stab myself
in the heart Elliott Smith style.
98
00:04:28,519 --> 00:04:30,312
- Dude, you need therapy.
99
00:04:30,312 --> 00:04:33,232
- If going to therapy is gonna make me
like Ashley and Jason,
100
00:04:33,232 --> 00:04:35,192
hey, keep your dumbass therapy.
101
00:04:35,192 --> 00:04:37,486
- Whatever. I'm not gonna
force you to go to therapy.
102
00:04:37,486 --> 00:04:38,862
It's your fucking life.
103
00:04:38,862 --> 00:04:40,614
Just let my kid enjoy her dumb show.
104
00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:41,823
- Alright, fine.
105
00:04:42,658 --> 00:04:44,368
Hey, but you do know
that Ashley and Jason
106
00:04:44,368 --> 00:04:46,119
are gonna get back together
next episode, right?
107
00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:47,788
Like that's clear to you?
108
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:50,082
- Of course, I fucking know that,
I'm not an idiot.
109
00:04:50,082 --> 00:04:51,083
- Just checking.
110
00:04:51,083 --> 00:04:52,251
[audience laughs]
111
00:04:52,251 --> 00:04:55,254
JASON [on TV]: I was just sort of
wondering if we could maybe, like,
112
00:04:55,879 --> 00:04:57,422
un-break up?
113
00:04:57,422 --> 00:05:00,342
[audience laughs]
- Sorry, but I can't, Jason.
114
00:05:01,051 --> 00:05:04,137
It just wouldn't be fair... to Lason.
115
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:06,598
- She lets her kid watch this garbage?
116
00:05:06,598 --> 00:05:07,891
This will rot her brain.
117
00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:10,477
It's child abuse.
It's all about conformity.
118
00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:12,437
Jason, Lason.
119
00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:16,859
This is corporate media
trying to indoctrinate kids' minds
120
00:05:16,859 --> 00:05:19,111
before they have a chance
to think for themselves.
121
00:05:19,111 --> 00:05:22,656
Shit like this makes me
wanna swallow a shotgun Kurt Cobain style.
122
00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:25,242
- I said the exact same thing,
Teresa said I need therapy.
123
00:05:25,242 --> 00:05:26,451
- Therapy's good for other people,
124
00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:28,745
not people like us
who see through the bullshit.
125
00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:30,205
JULIO:
Yeah, for sure.
126
00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:33,417
But I'm starting to wonder 'cause, uh,
127
00:05:33,417 --> 00:05:36,086
you know, I got a lot of good things
going on in my life right now
128
00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:38,672
and, uh, I just don't feel anything.
129
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,300
Maybe I got a chemical imbalance or,
130
00:05:41,300 --> 00:05:44,386
you know, I grew up without my dad,
maybe that's something?
131
00:05:44,386 --> 00:05:45,470
[laughing]
132
00:05:45,470 --> 00:05:49,933
- You're gonna pay
some PhD asshole $500 an hour
133
00:05:49,933 --> 00:05:51,894
to learn you got daddy issues.
134
00:05:51,894 --> 00:05:54,521
I'll save you some money,
you got daddy issues.
135
00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:55,564
So does everybody.
136
00:05:56,190 --> 00:05:57,691
And dads have reasons for leaving.
137
00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:58,942
Everybody knows that.
138
00:05:59,484 --> 00:06:01,361
You need somebody to talk to,
you talk to me.
139
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:03,530
I'm your friend.
That's what friends are for, right?
140
00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:05,824
- Yeah. Right.
141
00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:07,117
- It's hot as balls in here.
142
00:06:07,117 --> 00:06:09,161
I'm gonna go outside and hose myself down.
143
00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,040
[door opens]
144
00:06:14,208 --> 00:06:15,417
[door closes]
145
00:06:15,417 --> 00:06:17,169
- [voice breaking]
I feel for that fool Jason.
146
00:06:17,169 --> 00:06:18,253
- I know how to break dance.
147
00:06:18,253 --> 00:06:19,922
- No, you don't, Jason.
148
00:06:19,922 --> 00:06:20,964
AUDIENCE:
Aw.
149
00:06:20,964 --> 00:06:22,716
- I'm sure Ashley
has her reasons and everything
150
00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:25,010
but doesn't mean that shit don't hurt.
151
00:06:25,677 --> 00:06:27,387
- Hey, you think Payne is depressed?
152
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,348
- Not as depressed as me.
153
00:06:29,348 --> 00:06:31,975
It basically feels like
my heart is broken up
154
00:06:31,975 --> 00:06:33,685
into, like, a million little pieces.
155
00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:36,063
- That's literally heartbreak.
You're just sad.
156
00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:37,814
- You know, it makes sense
you wouldn't understand me
157
00:06:37,814 --> 00:06:39,191
'cause you're not depressed like me.
158
00:06:39,191 --> 00:06:40,984
I need professional help.
159
00:06:40,984 --> 00:06:43,362
Probably gonna put me
on fuckin' meds and shit.
160
00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:46,573
And if that doesn't work,
I'm gonna need surgery.
161
00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:47,491
JULIO:
You don't know what you're talking about.
162
00:06:47,491 --> 00:06:49,284
I'm the one that's depressed.
163
00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:50,536
I'm mad about a kid's show.
164
00:06:50,536 --> 00:06:52,454
I'm a constant spiral
of negative thoughts
165
00:06:52,454 --> 00:06:53,664
and I have insomnia.
166
00:06:53,664 --> 00:06:54,957
- I have insomnia, too.
167
00:06:54,957 --> 00:06:56,041
JULIO:
Yeah, but you're hungry.
168
00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:57,376
I have a loss of appetite.
169
00:06:57,376 --> 00:06:59,336
If anybody needs
professional help, it's me.
170
00:06:59,336 --> 00:07:00,921
♪ theme song playing on TV ♪
171
00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:04,383
- ♪ Are they gonna get back together? ♪
172
00:07:04,883 --> 00:07:09,263
♪ It's almost sexual, but not quite yet ♪
173
00:07:13,225 --> 00:07:16,186
♪ También humming
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt ♪
174
00:07:18,814 --> 00:07:20,399
♪ humming continues ♪
175
00:07:21,525 --> 00:07:24,778
- Can you please stop humming
that stupid song?
176
00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:26,154
- What was I humming?
177
00:07:26,655 --> 00:07:28,657
- John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.
178
00:07:28,657 --> 00:07:30,409
- [chuckles] Oh, weird.
179
00:07:30,409 --> 00:07:31,618
I didn't even realize.
180
00:07:32,286 --> 00:07:34,538
My mom used to sing that to me
when I was a kid.
181
00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:38,041
- Why are you doing the dishes anyway?
It's my night.
182
00:07:38,041 --> 00:07:39,626
- Because you hate doing them.
183
00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:42,087
- Yeah, but now I owe you a favor.
184
00:07:42,087 --> 00:07:43,172
[sighs]
185
00:07:43,172 --> 00:07:45,424
- You don't owe me anything, babes.
186
00:07:45,424 --> 00:07:46,800
Just your sweet love.
187
00:07:47,259 --> 00:07:51,388
- What does that mean, that I owe you sex?
188
00:07:51,388 --> 00:07:53,223
That is so manipulative.
189
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:56,476
- Uh-oh, sounds like you wanna fight.
190
00:07:57,394 --> 00:08:00,272
- Can you stop it with the finger gun?
191
00:08:00,272 --> 00:08:01,398
Just put them in your pockets!
192
00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:04,943
- I'm sorry, I'm not trying to annoy you.
193
00:08:05,444 --> 00:08:06,778
MAGGIE:
I know you're not,
194
00:08:06,778 --> 00:08:10,032
but I'm just being honest
about how I feel.
195
00:08:10,866 --> 00:08:12,826
I'm sure there's lots of things
I do that annoy you.
196
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:14,912
You just never say anything.
197
00:08:14,912 --> 00:08:18,040
- Nothing about you annoys me, baby cakes.
198
00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:19,166
- There has to be something.
199
00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:21,251
Please, just tell me one thing
200
00:08:22,503 --> 00:08:23,629
that annoys you about me.
201
00:08:24,546 --> 00:08:25,756
- Okay.
202
00:08:26,507 --> 00:08:27,424
Fine.
203
00:08:28,050 --> 00:08:30,385
You know how some people
get that white gunk
204
00:08:30,385 --> 00:08:33,013
that forms in the corner of their mouths
when they talk?
205
00:08:34,515 --> 00:08:35,474
- Yeah.
206
00:08:36,308 --> 00:08:37,309
- Well...
207
00:08:38,936 --> 00:08:39,937
you're one of those people.
208
00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:42,481
But you don't have it right now,
209
00:08:42,481 --> 00:08:44,066
but sometimes you do
210
00:08:44,066 --> 00:08:47,319
and I'm just starting to worry
you're not getting enough water.
211
00:08:47,903 --> 00:08:51,865
God, that feels so good
to get off my chest, thank you.
212
00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:54,201
- Hold on, I just,
213
00:08:54,201 --> 00:08:56,495
I wanna make sure I understand
what you're talking about.
214
00:08:57,454 --> 00:09:00,207
Just give me one second.
215
00:09:04,419 --> 00:09:07,047
- White gunk like this?
Is this what it looks like?
216
00:09:08,090 --> 00:09:09,007
- Not really.
217
00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:12,094
- I've been walking around
with white gunk on my face
218
00:09:12,094 --> 00:09:14,137
and you're just telling me now?
219
00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:16,306
- I'm sorry.
- What else do you hate about me?
220
00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:17,891
- Nothing!
- Do you hate it when I do this?
221
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,146
- Yeah?
222
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:25,941
- Good. See?
223
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,443
How hard was that?
224
00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:32,990
- I think maybe we should talk to someone.
225
00:09:33,824 --> 00:09:35,659
-[phone chimes]
-[phone dings]
226
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:42,666
[line ringing]
227
00:09:42,666 --> 00:09:44,626
MAN 1 [over phone]:
Hello, how can I help you?
228
00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:46,962
- Hi, uh, I'd like to make
a therapy appointment.
229
00:09:46,962 --> 00:09:48,714
MAN 1:
Okay, what's the reason?
230
00:09:48,714 --> 00:09:49,756
- Oh, I don't know.
231
00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:51,008
I guess I just got to the point
232
00:09:51,008 --> 00:09:53,260
where I really feel like
I need to talk to someone.
233
00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:55,637
MAN 1: Well, I can get you
an appointment later this week.
234
00:09:55,637 --> 00:09:58,056
I just need your
health insurance information.
235
00:09:58,056 --> 00:10:00,726
- Oh, uh, actually
I don't have health insurance.
236
00:10:00,726 --> 00:10:02,269
[line disconnects]
Hello?
237
00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:03,395
♪
238
00:10:03,395 --> 00:10:04,313
WOMAN 1 [over phone]:
I'm sorry, sir,
239
00:10:04,313 --> 00:10:06,273
we're fully booked for the next few years.
240
00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:07,733
- Wait, how is that possible?
241
00:10:07,733 --> 00:10:08,901
WOMAN 1:
We don't foresee parents
242
00:10:08,901 --> 00:10:11,069
not messing up their kids anytime soon.
243
00:10:11,069 --> 00:10:11,904
♪
244
00:10:11,904 --> 00:10:13,655
JULIO:
Who the fuck are these people?
245
00:10:13,655 --> 00:10:15,574
Hi, I'd like to make
a therapy appointment.
246
00:10:15,574 --> 00:10:16,992
MAN 2 [over phone]:
Sir, you sound broke.
247
00:10:16,992 --> 00:10:18,785
- I guess I just reached the point where--
248
00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:20,704
I guess I just reached the point
where I feel like I really--
249
00:10:20,704 --> 00:10:22,623
I feel like I really
need to talk to someone.
250
00:10:24,374 --> 00:10:25,626
Nice try, Sandy.
251
00:10:25,626 --> 00:10:27,002
Fuck you.
252
00:10:27,002 --> 00:10:28,337
Hey, I'd like to make
a therapy appointment.
253
00:10:28,337 --> 00:10:29,421
I'd like to make an appointment.
254
00:10:29,421 --> 00:10:30,756
I'd like to make a therapy appointment.
255
00:10:30,756 --> 00:10:32,132
MAN 3 [over phone]: I just need
your health insurance information.
256
00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:33,926
- Actually, I don't have insurance.
Actually, I don't have insurance.
257
00:10:33,926 --> 00:10:35,385
I don't have health insurance.
Hello?
258
00:10:35,385 --> 00:10:36,428
Hello?
259
00:10:36,428 --> 00:10:37,679
WOMAN 2 [over phone]:
We're a sliding scale.
260
00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:40,432
You pay what you can,
no insurance, no problem.
261
00:10:40,432 --> 00:10:41,892
We're here for you, Julio.
262
00:10:41,892 --> 00:10:44,019
- Oh, shit, for real?
I'd like to make an appointment.
263
00:10:44,019 --> 00:10:46,897
WOMAN 2: Great, our first
available session is in six months.
264
00:10:46,897 --> 00:10:48,273
How does that sound?
265
00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:50,692
- Fuck it, I'll take it.
WOMAN 2: That's great.
266
00:10:50,692 --> 00:10:52,736
We'll contact you
if anything opens up sooner.
267
00:10:54,029 --> 00:10:56,615
MAGGIE: To be honest,
a lot of the guys I've dated in the past
268
00:10:56,615 --> 00:10:59,910
were depressed losers,
but Julio's different.
269
00:11:00,369 --> 00:11:02,704
He wants to build a future together
270
00:11:02,704 --> 00:11:05,165
and he's never been mean to me ever.
271
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,209
He makes me feel safe.
272
00:11:09,086 --> 00:11:11,171
But sometimes
he annoys the hell out of me
273
00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:13,090
and I feel like
we can't resolve our issues
274
00:11:13,090 --> 00:11:15,300
because he's always
running away from fights
275
00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:16,593
which pisses me off even more
276
00:11:16,593 --> 00:11:19,638
but I know I probably shouldn't
even be pissed off in the first place.
277
00:11:23,725 --> 00:11:25,394
- Tell me about the sex.
278
00:11:25,394 --> 00:11:27,145
- I'll take this one.
279
00:11:27,145 --> 00:11:29,273
So, I'm a planner.
280
00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:31,942
Maggie's all about spontaneity.
281
00:11:31,942 --> 00:11:36,154
Sometimes she does stuff
and I'm just like, "Whoa."
282
00:11:36,154 --> 00:11:38,824
But I like how she forces me
outta my comfort zone.
283
00:11:38,824 --> 00:11:41,368
In my wildest dreams, I never imagined
284
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:44,454
that I'd be a member of the Mile High club
285
00:11:45,455 --> 00:11:48,166
but there we were,
consummating our marriage
286
00:11:48,166 --> 00:11:50,919
in a tiny bathroom
on the way back from Vegas.
287
00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:52,838
[sighs]
288
00:11:52,838 --> 00:11:57,259
But since then, things have
really "cooled down in the sack."
289
00:11:57,259 --> 00:12:00,721
- Yeah, because he wants Google Calendar
to know every time we have sex.
290
00:12:01,930 --> 00:12:04,558
- Well, the good news is
the problems you're dealing with
291
00:12:04,558 --> 00:12:08,312
are very common
amongst young married couples.
292
00:12:08,312 --> 00:12:10,230
You're starting a family together,
293
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:13,400
yet you each come from different families.
294
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:17,487
I've had the pleasure of knowing
the También familia for many years.
295
00:12:17,487 --> 00:12:20,115
Wonderful familia, rooted in the faith.
296
00:12:20,115 --> 00:12:23,702
But I'm interested
in knowing more about you, Maggie.
297
00:12:23,702 --> 00:12:26,580
Why don't you tell me about your familia?
298
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:30,626
- Fine.
299
00:12:30,626 --> 00:12:32,211
You wanna know about my familia?
300
00:12:33,462 --> 00:12:34,922
My mom is a hoarder.
301
00:12:34,922 --> 00:12:36,131
My dad is a drunk.
302
00:12:36,131 --> 00:12:39,510
They fight all the time
and we never went to church.
303
00:12:39,510 --> 00:12:43,180
And for the record,
I didn't want to talk to a priest.
304
00:12:44,139 --> 00:12:45,265
FATHER LEO:
I see.
305
00:12:45,974 --> 00:12:50,771
Sounds like there was
a lot of, uh, anger in your familia.
306
00:12:50,771 --> 00:12:51,772
Must have been tough.
307
00:12:51,772 --> 00:12:54,983
But I wonder if when
you're annoyed at Julio,
308
00:12:55,984 --> 00:12:58,487
you're really just angry at your parents.
309
00:12:58,487 --> 00:13:01,031
- Oh, sure. Yeah.
310
00:13:01,031 --> 00:13:02,366
Blame me for everything.
311
00:13:02,366 --> 00:13:04,034
But the truth is Julio has his shit, too.
312
00:13:04,034 --> 00:13:06,411
He's repressed.
He doesn't even fucking curse.
313
00:13:06,411 --> 00:13:08,622
And he's always humming
the same stupid song
314
00:13:08,622 --> 00:13:10,290
then he claims
he doesn't even know he's doing it
315
00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:12,376
like he's got
a fucking tumor in his brain.
316
00:13:12,376 --> 00:13:13,752
TAMBIÉN:
Hmm.
317
00:13:13,752 --> 00:13:15,045
FATHER LEO:
What song is that?
318
00:13:15,671 --> 00:13:17,381
TAMBIÉN:
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.
319
00:13:18,215 --> 00:13:19,383
- How does that go again?
320
00:13:21,426 --> 00:13:24,596
- ♪ John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt ♪
321
00:13:24,596 --> 00:13:27,349
- ♪ His name is my name, too ♪
322
00:13:27,349 --> 00:13:30,477
BOTH: ♪ Whenever we go out,
the people always shout ♪
323
00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:32,813
♪ There goes
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt ♪
324
00:13:32,813 --> 00:13:34,314
♪ Da-da da-da-da-da-da ♪
325
00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:37,401
♪ John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt ♪
326
00:13:37,401 --> 00:13:40,320
♪ His name is my name too, hey! ♪
327
00:13:44,283 --> 00:13:45,993
♪ Jason and Ashley theme playing ♪
328
00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:47,828
- ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
329
00:13:47,828 --> 00:13:48,787
- Hey, Ashley.
330
00:13:48,787 --> 00:13:50,330
[audience cheering]
331
00:13:51,373 --> 00:13:52,499
- Jason?
332
00:13:54,084 --> 00:13:55,544
What are you doing here?
333
00:13:55,544 --> 00:13:57,337
We agreed to not be friends.
334
00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:59,423
- I was just sort of wondering
335
00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:03,594
if we could maybe
un-agree to not be friends?
336
00:14:03,594 --> 00:14:04,970
AUDIENCE:
Aw.
337
00:14:04,970 --> 00:14:07,264
- I don't want to be your friend, Jason.
338
00:14:07,264 --> 00:14:08,932
AUDIENCE:
Aw.
339
00:14:08,932 --> 00:14:11,268
I want to be your girlfriend.
340
00:14:11,268 --> 00:14:13,061
[audience applauding]
341
00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:15,063
- But what about my best friend Lason
342
00:14:15,063 --> 00:14:16,273
who you're already dating?
343
00:14:16,273 --> 00:14:17,941
ASHLEY:
I dumped his butt this morning.
344
00:14:17,941 --> 00:14:20,527
Sure, he knows all the presidents
345
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:24,281
but he doesn't know
any of the names of the First Ladies.
346
00:14:24,281 --> 00:14:25,115
[scoffs]
347
00:14:25,115 --> 00:14:27,034
- Of course, they got back together.
348
00:14:27,034 --> 00:14:28,994
The show is called Ashley and Jason.
349
00:14:28,994 --> 00:14:31,121
JASON: Does this mean
you'll go to the dance with me, Ashley?
350
00:14:31,121 --> 00:14:33,332
- That depends, Jason.
351
00:14:33,332 --> 00:14:35,292
What's George Washington's wife's name?
352
00:14:35,292 --> 00:14:37,753
- You mean Martha?
353
00:14:37,753 --> 00:14:39,129
- [gasps] Oh, Jason.
354
00:14:39,129 --> 00:14:40,839
You're still the same man...
- God.
355
00:14:40,839 --> 00:14:42,466
- ...I fell in love with in kindergarten.
356
00:14:43,050 --> 00:14:45,469
- You're right, Julio, the show's stupid.
357
00:14:45,469 --> 00:14:46,512
I'm gonna stop watching it.
358
00:14:46,512 --> 00:14:47,513
♪ Ashley and Jason theme playing on TV ♪
359
00:14:47,513 --> 00:14:49,473
- Maybe it's just this episode
you don't like.
360
00:14:49,473 --> 00:14:51,099
You love Ashley and Jason.
361
00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:53,060
- Not anymore.
[turns TV off]
362
00:14:53,769 --> 00:14:55,854
- Well, I like it,
so I'm gonna keep watching.
363
00:14:55,854 --> 00:14:57,439
♪ theme song playing on TV ♪
364
00:14:57,439 --> 00:15:00,025
- Fine, watch it then,
it just means you're stupid.
365
00:15:00,025 --> 00:15:02,152
- Hey, don't talk to me like that.
366
00:15:02,152 --> 00:15:03,028
You know what? Go to your room.
367
00:15:03,028 --> 00:15:04,905
- I was going there already anyways.
368
00:15:04,905 --> 00:15:05,948
God.
369
00:15:05,948 --> 00:15:06,990
ASHLEY:
...get back together,
370
00:15:06,990 --> 00:15:09,868
you need to name
the other 44 First Ladies.
371
00:15:09,868 --> 00:15:11,286
- No sweat.
372
00:15:11,286 --> 00:15:15,666
Abigail Adams, Eleanor Roosevelt,
Nancy Reagan.
373
00:15:15,666 --> 00:15:17,125
- Are you fucking happy now?
374
00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:19,670
- What? She's just developing
better taste in TV.
375
00:15:19,670 --> 00:15:20,629
You should be proud of her.
376
00:15:20,629 --> 00:15:23,048
- She's just copying
what she heard you say, idiot.
377
00:15:23,048 --> 00:15:25,092
- It's just a stupid TV show.
It's not a big deal.
378
00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:26,385
- It is a big deal.
379
00:15:26,927 --> 00:15:28,595
I don't want Aurora to be all fucked up.
380
00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:29,638
[sighs]
381
00:15:30,472 --> 00:15:31,515
- Okay.
382
00:15:32,015 --> 00:15:33,183
I'm sorry.
383
00:15:33,934 --> 00:15:35,227
You're right.
384
00:15:35,227 --> 00:15:37,521
You know what? I took your advice,
I made a therapy appointment.
385
00:15:37,521 --> 00:15:40,315
- It doesn't matter, it's too late.
- What?
386
00:15:40,315 --> 00:15:41,859
- You're already fucking up my kid.
387
00:15:42,484 --> 00:15:45,028
Me and Aurora don't have time
to wait for you to get better.
388
00:15:45,028 --> 00:15:46,905
- Well, then what do you want from me?
389
00:15:46,905 --> 00:15:48,907
- I guess I don't want anything anymore.
390
00:15:48,907 --> 00:15:51,201
I'm really sorry, but... we're done.
391
00:15:51,869 --> 00:15:53,704
- Seriously, over a dumb TV show?
392
00:15:53,704 --> 00:15:55,998
- Over your depressed ass
fucking up my kid.
393
00:15:55,998 --> 00:15:58,083
- Well, fuck you then,
get your stank ass outta here.
394
00:15:58,083 --> 00:15:59,918
- This is my place, idiot.
395
00:15:59,918 --> 00:16:01,336
- Oh, yeah, my bad.
396
00:16:01,962 --> 00:16:03,547
I guess I'll get my stank ass outta here.
397
00:16:04,673 --> 00:16:08,844
- Last but not least,
the great Jill Biden.
398
00:16:08,844 --> 00:16:10,345
[door opens]
- Wait a sec.
399
00:16:10,888 --> 00:16:12,890
- You forgot Abigail Fillmore.
[door closes]
400
00:16:13,599 --> 00:16:15,559
That's it. We're breaking up!
401
00:16:15,559 --> 00:16:17,144
You're just as bad as Lason.
402
00:16:18,437 --> 00:16:19,938
TERESA:
Stupid fucking show.
403
00:16:20,522 --> 00:16:21,940
♪ Sabor A Mi by El Chicano playing ♪
404
00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:27,279
♪
405
00:16:27,279 --> 00:16:29,698
♪
406
00:16:29,698 --> 00:16:33,785
♪ singing in Spanish ♪
407
00:16:33,785 --> 00:16:38,707
♪
408
00:16:54,014 --> 00:16:55,349
- Hey, what's up, fool?
409
00:16:55,349 --> 00:16:57,434
♪
410
00:16:57,434 --> 00:16:58,560
Damn, you alright?
411
00:16:58,560 --> 00:16:59,603
♪
412
00:16:59,603 --> 00:17:01,438
- I think I've hit
a new level of depression.
413
00:17:01,438 --> 00:17:02,773
[phone trills]
414
00:17:02,773 --> 00:17:04,399
My heart's not broken anymore.
415
00:17:04,399 --> 00:17:05,943
My heart is now burning.
416
00:17:06,902 --> 00:17:08,737
It honestly feels like it's on fire.
417
00:17:10,405 --> 00:17:11,365
[Luis belches]
418
00:17:13,075 --> 00:17:15,202
- You know what? I was wrong.
419
00:17:15,744 --> 00:17:17,496
You really are depressed.
420
00:17:17,496 --> 00:17:18,872
You need professional help, playboy.
421
00:17:20,207 --> 00:17:22,751
- You think so?
- Yeah, nothing's wrong with your heart.
422
00:17:22,751 --> 00:17:24,294
It's your broken-ass brain.
423
00:17:24,294 --> 00:17:26,588
Hey, do you want my therapy appointment?
424
00:17:26,588 --> 00:17:29,299
It's tomorrow,
just say your name is Julio Lopez.
425
00:17:29,299 --> 00:17:30,551
- Alright, thank you.
426
00:17:30,551 --> 00:17:32,010
♪
427
00:17:32,010 --> 00:17:33,428
Hey, you want some pizza?
428
00:17:33,428 --> 00:17:35,347
- Nah, I'm not hungry.
429
00:17:41,436 --> 00:17:43,146
[fan blades rattling]
430
00:17:43,146 --> 00:17:45,524
♪
431
00:17:45,524 --> 00:17:47,067
[rattling intensifies]
432
00:17:50,445 --> 00:17:51,280
[sighs]
433
00:17:52,239 --> 00:17:53,240
- Hey.
434
00:17:53,991 --> 00:17:55,242
I'm doing the dishes tonight.
435
00:17:56,451 --> 00:17:57,327
- Okay.
436
00:17:58,036 --> 00:17:59,079
I won't fight you.
437
00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:13,260
Hey, we got a Labor Day card from my mom.
438
00:18:14,887 --> 00:18:16,847
"To my wonderful mijo."
439
00:18:17,347 --> 00:18:19,600
"Every Labor Day,
I think of the labor
440
00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:21,894
"I went through
to give birth to you.
441
00:18:22,477 --> 00:18:25,772
"It wasn't any labor at all,
it was all love.
442
00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:28,442
"Happy Labor Day, my perfect son.
443
00:18:28,442 --> 00:18:30,402
"X-O-X-O-X-O-X-O.
444
00:18:31,111 --> 00:18:33,488
"And love to
my perfect daughter-in-law Maggie.
445
00:18:34,406 --> 00:18:35,407
X-O-X-O."
446
00:18:36,658 --> 00:18:37,451
- Aw.
447
00:18:38,869 --> 00:18:40,704
That is so sweet.
448
00:18:40,704 --> 00:18:42,581
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Wow.
449
00:18:45,542 --> 00:18:47,836
- Whoa, what are you doing?
450
00:18:47,836 --> 00:18:51,340
You know all of Mombien También's
cards go on the fridge.
451
00:18:56,803 --> 00:18:57,638
[chuckles]
452
00:18:59,056 --> 00:19:00,349
- You're a fucking hoarder.
453
00:19:01,266 --> 00:19:03,769
- What?
- Look at our fridge.
454
00:19:03,769 --> 00:19:05,979
One advantage of having fucked-up parents
455
00:19:05,979 --> 00:19:08,732
is that you recognize
signs of mental illness.
456
00:19:08,732 --> 00:19:11,068
There is something going on
with these cards.
457
00:19:11,068 --> 00:19:13,737
If we had gone to a real therapist
instead of some old-ass priest,
458
00:19:13,737 --> 00:19:15,239
maybe they'd get to the bottom
of what's wrong with you
459
00:19:15,239 --> 00:19:16,490
and your fucked-up mom.
460
00:19:16,490 --> 00:19:19,785
- Hey, nobody talks about
Mombien También that way.
461
00:19:19,785 --> 00:19:21,245
- Mombien También
462
00:19:22,371 --> 00:19:23,455
is a cunt.
463
00:19:25,123 --> 00:19:25,958
[gasps]
464
00:19:27,793 --> 00:19:28,877
- You shouldn't have said that.
465
00:19:31,839 --> 00:19:33,257
- Then do something about it.
466
00:19:34,216 --> 00:19:35,843
Call me a cunt.
467
00:19:36,927 --> 00:19:38,345
- I'm not gonna do that.
468
00:19:38,345 --> 00:19:42,057
- I'm your wife,
shouldn't you honor my requests?
469
00:19:42,057 --> 00:19:43,684
It's in the Bible, right?
470
00:19:43,684 --> 00:19:46,520
- I think this would be best discussed
with Father Leo.
471
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:49,064
- You're so repressed,
you can't even fucking curse.
472
00:19:49,064 --> 00:19:50,899
- Oh, I can too freaking curse.
473
00:19:50,899 --> 00:19:53,360
- Prove it then. Call me a cunt.
474
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:56,780
- No, that word is offensive to women.
475
00:19:56,780 --> 00:20:00,742
- Quit being a pussy and call me a cunt!
476
00:20:00,742 --> 00:20:02,369
♪
477
00:20:02,369 --> 00:20:04,454
[groans uncomfortably]
478
00:20:04,454 --> 00:20:06,039
Fine. You know what?
479
00:20:06,999 --> 00:20:08,917
It's not your fault
you can't call me a cunt.
480
00:20:10,169 --> 00:20:11,712
It's your cunt mom's fault.
481
00:20:13,005 --> 00:20:16,049
And probably your cunt dad's fault, too.
482
00:20:16,633 --> 00:20:19,052
♪ eerie vocalizing ♪
483
00:20:19,052 --> 00:20:22,472
♪
484
00:20:22,472 --> 00:20:23,307
[splats]
[gasps]
485
00:20:29,479 --> 00:20:32,357
- My parents are not cunts.
486
00:20:32,900 --> 00:20:36,486
You're the only cunt here, you... cunt!
487
00:20:37,487 --> 00:20:39,489
Take this, my cunt wife.
488
00:20:40,699 --> 00:20:42,910
♪ Ain't It True by Andy Williams playing ♪
489
00:20:42,910 --> 00:20:43,827
[grunts]
490
00:20:43,827 --> 00:20:48,707
♪
491
00:20:49,374 --> 00:20:51,126
- ♪ My poor heart
was almost torn apart ♪
492
00:20:51,126 --> 00:20:51,960
♪ Because you played a part ♪
493
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:54,755
♪ You thought that you were smart,
and now you're gone ♪
494
00:20:54,755 --> 00:20:57,966
♪ Gone, gone, girl ♪
495
00:20:57,966 --> 00:20:59,635
♪ Are you glad you treated me so bad? ♪
496
00:20:59,635 --> 00:21:01,762
♪ You took the love I had
and left me blue and sad ♪
497
00:21:01,762 --> 00:21:06,308
♪ But I'll go on, on, on, girl ♪
498
00:21:06,308 --> 00:21:07,267
♪
499
00:21:07,267 --> 00:21:11,730
♪ And I will forgive you ♪
500
00:21:11,730 --> 00:21:15,067
♪ Here's what I'll say ♪
501
00:21:15,067 --> 00:21:18,820
♪ On that final day, they lay you away ♪
502
00:21:18,820 --> 00:21:22,950
♪ There was never another like you ♪
503
00:21:26,662 --> 00:21:30,249
- That... was... wild!
504
00:21:30,999 --> 00:21:33,460
I love you so fucking much.
505
00:21:34,127 --> 00:21:35,629
Even if you are a cunt.
506
00:21:35,629 --> 00:21:38,090
[Maggie giggling]
Hey, babe.
507
00:21:39,383 --> 00:21:41,844
Give me a drag of that cig.
- Uh-oh.
508
00:21:42,302 --> 00:21:44,263
I've created a bad boy.
509
00:21:44,972 --> 00:21:49,184
Don't tell Mombien También
unless it's national smoking day.
510
00:21:49,184 --> 00:21:51,186
Then she'll send you
a fucking card telling you
511
00:21:51,186 --> 00:21:52,312
how proud she is.
512
00:21:52,312 --> 00:21:56,817
- That stupid bitch Mombien También
never let me do anything fun.
513
00:21:56,817 --> 00:21:57,734
- Mm-mmm.
514
00:21:57,734 --> 00:22:00,612
- No smoking, no cursing
515
00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:04,449
and definitely no jumping on the bed.
516
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:07,619
She always told me to be extra careful.
517
00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:09,788
Fuck being careful!
518
00:22:09,788 --> 00:22:11,039
Hey, you know what?
519
00:22:11,039 --> 00:22:14,543
Fuck my big dumb cunt mom!
520
00:22:14,543 --> 00:22:16,503
[gasps]
[También grunts]
521
00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:19,214
- Are you okay?
522
00:22:19,214 --> 00:22:21,842
[screaming]
523
00:22:23,385 --> 00:22:25,304
- Look what you did!
524
00:22:25,888 --> 00:22:27,723
You fucking temptress!
525
00:22:27,723 --> 00:22:29,391
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
526
00:22:29,391 --> 00:22:30,767
[También crying]
527
00:22:30,767 --> 00:22:35,606
TAMBIÉN:
You're just like Eve, the original cunt.
528
00:22:39,193 --> 00:22:44,114
- ♪ John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt ♪
529
00:22:44,114 --> 00:22:48,619
♪ His name is my name, too ♪
530
00:22:48,619 --> 00:22:53,040
♪ Whenever we go out,
the people always shout ♪
531
00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:53,582
[siren wailing]
532
00:22:53,582 --> 00:22:56,251
♪ There goes
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt ♪
533
00:22:56,251 --> 00:22:57,586
♪ Da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪
534
00:22:57,586 --> 00:22:59,505
[wailing continues]
535
00:22:59,505 --> 00:23:03,634
CHORUS:
♪ John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt ♪
536
00:23:03,634 --> 00:23:06,845
♪ His name is my name, too ♪
537
00:23:07,387 --> 00:23:11,225
♪ Whenever we go out,
the people always shout ♪
538
00:23:11,225 --> 00:23:14,144
♪ There goes
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt ♪
539
00:23:14,144 --> 00:23:15,938
♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
540
00:23:15,938 --> 00:23:19,816
♪ John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt ♪
541
00:23:19,816 --> 00:23:23,153
♪ His name is my name, too ♪
542
00:23:23,695 --> 00:23:27,574
♪ Whenever we go out,
the people always shout ♪
543
00:23:27,574 --> 00:23:30,452
♪ There goes
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt ♪
544
00:23:30,452 --> 00:23:32,371
♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
545
00:23:32,371 --> 00:23:34,081
♪
546
00:23:34,081 --> 00:23:37,793
♪ John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt ♪
547
00:23:38,252 --> 00:23:42,089
♪ His name is my name, too ♪
548
00:23:42,089 --> 00:23:45,634
♪ Whenever we go out,
the people always shout ♪
549
00:23:45,634 --> 00:23:48,637
♪ There goes
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt ♪
550
00:23:48,637 --> 00:23:50,889
♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
551
00:23:50,889 --> 00:23:53,392
♪
37887
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