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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:30,363 --> 00:00:32,991 [Man] 1, 2, 3... 2 00:00:33,066 --> 00:00:35,967 [� Lynyrd Skynyrd: Sweet Home Alabama] 3 00:00:43,676 --> 00:00:46,076 [Children laughing and shouting] 4 00:00:50,917 --> 00:00:53,112 [Kids] Hi, Grandpa! 5 00:00:53,186 --> 00:00:54,517 Hey! 6 00:00:58,658 --> 00:01:01,092 - Ahh! - [Girl] Grandpa, over here! 7 00:01:01,161 --> 00:01:02,219 Oh! 8 00:01:04,664 --> 00:01:06,427 - Hey, hey, hey! - [Kids] Grandpa! 9 00:01:06,499 --> 00:01:09,297 Everybody now, happy Fourth of July! 10 00:01:09,369 --> 00:01:10,597 Thanks, Grandpa! 11 00:01:10,670 --> 00:01:12,638 That's it, go ahead, kids. 12 00:01:12,705 --> 00:01:14,866 Dig in. I made 'em myself. 13 00:01:14,941 --> 00:01:16,238 - Bleh! - Blech! 14 00:01:16,309 --> 00:01:19,107 [Grandpa] Pretty good. How's that taste there, Timmy? 15 00:01:19,179 --> 00:01:21,238 Uh, I'm not really hungry right now. 16 00:01:21,314 --> 00:01:23,111 Why don't you tell us a story? 17 00:01:23,183 --> 00:01:26,584 - Yeah! One of your great stories! - Yeah, one of your stories! 18 00:01:26,653 --> 00:01:29,417 All right, how about the one that you kids always love? 19 00:01:29,489 --> 00:01:32,583 - The, uh... the story of Scrooge. - Scrooge?! 20 00:01:32,659 --> 00:01:35,560 - The guy who hated Christmas? - That's dumb. 21 00:01:35,628 --> 00:01:39,621 Well, uh, sort of, but this Scrooge hated the Fourth of July. 22 00:01:39,699 --> 00:01:41,496 Why does he hate the Fourth of July? 23 00:01:41,568 --> 00:01:45,800 Well, uh, the story begins high on a mountaintop, 24 00:01:45,872 --> 00:01:48,841 far away in Afghanistan. 25 00:01:51,511 --> 00:01:56,039 [Arabic music playing] 26 00:01:57,884 --> 00:01:59,943 - Mohammed? - [All] Yes, sir? 27 00:02:00,019 --> 00:02:01,077 Quiet! Calm down! 28 00:02:02,522 --> 00:02:05,423 - They're all named Mohammed, sir. - Yes, of course. 29 00:02:05,492 --> 00:02:07,426 I must remember to use last names. 30 00:02:07,494 --> 00:02:09,792 - Hussein! - [All] Yes, sir? 31 00:02:11,731 --> 00:02:13,358 For God's sake, you! 32 00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:20,568 - [Aziz] Is that your brother? - Hussein? 33 00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:21,971 Why is he voting? 34 00:02:22,041 --> 00:02:24,737 It's not his fault. He is the campaign manager. 35 00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:27,371 - What? For who? - Mohammed Hussein. 36 00:02:27,447 --> 00:02:30,848 - [All] Yes, sir! - Quiet! 37 00:02:30,917 --> 00:02:32,248 All right, everyone. 38 00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,483 Well, who's going to be the first? 39 00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:37,949 I am. 40 00:02:38,024 --> 00:02:41,516 Ah, very good. Very good. And what is your name, young man? 41 00:02:41,594 --> 00:02:43,585 - Mu... - Forget it. Mount up. 42 00:02:43,663 --> 00:02:47,360 - Allahu Akbar. - What exactly did I volunteer for? 43 00:02:47,433 --> 00:02:50,368 Messenger duty. Excellent pay. 44 00:02:50,436 --> 00:02:52,996 But, sir, this bicycle... 45 00:02:53,072 --> 00:02:55,540 - What's wrong? - Well, it's kind of rickety. 46 00:02:55,608 --> 00:02:57,701 I don't know if it can get back up the hill. 47 00:02:57,777 --> 00:03:00,007 I wouldn't worry about that. 48 00:03:00,079 --> 00:03:02,547 - Maybe if I take some bombs off... - No, no, no. 49 00:03:02,615 --> 00:03:06,073 - It is a part of the uniform. - Ah. 50 00:03:06,152 --> 00:03:07,585 [Brake handles squeaking] 51 00:03:07,654 --> 00:03:10,145 And it doesn't seem to have any brakes. 52 00:03:10,256 --> 00:03:13,714 It's OK. Allah will stop you. 53 00:03:13,793 --> 00:03:15,988 Of course. 54 00:03:21,234 --> 00:03:24,294 Oh, yeah, Allah will stop me. 55 00:03:24,370 --> 00:03:27,237 Aah! 56 00:03:27,307 --> 00:03:31,710 Aah! 57 00:03:31,778 --> 00:03:34,212 Oh! 58 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:35,269 Jesus! 59 00:03:35,348 --> 00:03:37,908 You! Go get him. 60 00:03:40,420 --> 00:03:44,186 - [Moaning] - I found the problem, sir! 61 00:03:44,257 --> 00:03:47,021 This idiot forgot to pull the firing... 62 00:03:52,966 --> 00:03:54,433 [Ahmed] Don't you see? 63 00:03:54,500 --> 00:03:57,094 We have at least destroyed an infidel's car. 64 00:03:57,170 --> 00:03:59,730 That was my car. 65 00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:13,014 [Aziz] What's going on here? 66 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:15,384 Huh? What are you people doing? 67 00:04:15,455 --> 00:04:17,787 Why are you voting in this infidel election? 68 00:04:17,857 --> 00:04:19,791 Because we want democracy, 69 00:04:19,859 --> 00:04:22,692 freedom, elect a president who will be accountable. 70 00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:25,026 Enough! Mohammed, take care of him! 71 00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:27,794 Mohammed, what in the name of Allah are you doing? 72 00:04:27,867 --> 00:04:32,031 I'm not voting for president. But I feel strongly about Proposition 12. 73 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,505 A marriage should be between a man and a woman. 74 00:04:36,075 --> 00:04:38,543 Or between a man and a really good-looking man. 75 00:04:38,611 --> 00:04:42,707 - Shut up. - This is what you vote for? 76 00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:45,717 That and immigration. We need a guest worker program 77 00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:48,618 so that the Mexicans can do the job the Taliban won't. 78 00:04:48,688 --> 00:04:50,849 [Mariachi music blaring on radio] 79 00:04:56,195 --> 00:04:58,789 These Western ideas are dangerous. 80 00:04:58,865 --> 00:05:00,730 We must resist them at every turn. 81 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:03,234 Leader, we're not strong anymore. 82 00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:05,703 Since the Americans came, people have hope. 83 00:05:05,772 --> 00:05:09,503 - They are voting, woman own businesses. - Yes, it is getting harder 84 00:05:09,575 --> 00:05:12,510 to find suicide bombers, and all the good ones are gone. 85 00:05:12,578 --> 00:05:16,105 Sir, I think we might need a new recruitment video. 86 00:05:16,182 --> 00:05:17,979 Look, ours... 87 00:05:18,051 --> 00:05:20,713 it looks, you know, cheap. 88 00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:25,690 [Announcer] This video will teach you. 89 00:05:25,758 --> 00:05:27,817 Here are Ahmed and Ahman. 90 00:05:27,894 --> 00:05:30,920 They may be brothers, but they couldn't be more different. 91 00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:33,625 Ahmed knows punctuality is important. 92 00:05:33,700 --> 00:05:36,635 He's sure to leave plenty of time to get to his bombing site. 93 00:05:36,703 --> 00:05:38,364 [Ahmed screaming, indistinct] 94 00:05:40,106 --> 00:05:43,439 [Announcer] Ahman leaves everything to the last minute. 95 00:05:43,509 --> 00:05:45,500 [Ahman] Oh, shit! 96 00:05:45,578 --> 00:05:48,342 [Announcer] Ahmed double checks the address of the site 97 00:05:48,414 --> 00:05:49,779 so there are no mistakes. 98 00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:51,316 Ahman doesn't. 99 00:05:51,384 --> 00:05:53,147 2518, 2519... 100 00:05:53,219 --> 00:05:54,948 Shit! 101 00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:57,216 [Announcer] Ahmed dresses properly, 102 00:05:57,290 --> 00:06:00,623 wearing clothing that is loose enough to hide his explosives. 103 00:06:00,693 --> 00:06:03,423 Ahman dresses inappropriately. 104 00:06:04,764 --> 00:06:08,791 Oh. You are right. It is awful. 105 00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:10,563 If I may suggest, sir, 106 00:06:10,636 --> 00:06:14,572 what we need is a real Hollywood director to help us. 107 00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:18,337 But he must hate America. 108 00:06:18,411 --> 00:06:21,471 This won't be hard to find in Hollywood. They all hate America. 109 00:06:21,547 --> 00:06:25,847 Yes, but your average, girly-man Hollywood director won't be enough. 110 00:06:25,918 --> 00:06:30,946 What we need is someone who really, really hates America. 111 00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:35,986 [Man] Is the camera on? OK, action. Ahem. 112 00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:38,030 I am on the island paradise, Cuba, 113 00:06:38,097 --> 00:06:40,156 where there's a hospital on every block. 114 00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:43,691 As we can see, Cubans have the very best health care in the world. 115 00:06:43,770 --> 00:06:45,863 Not like America, where it can kill you. 116 00:06:45,938 --> 00:06:48,702 I've got two Americans here, Bob and Joan Friedman, 117 00:06:48,775 --> 00:06:51,869 injured during Hurricane Katrina, caused by you know who. 118 00:06:51,944 --> 00:06:54,378 But haven't been able to get an American doctor 119 00:06:54,447 --> 00:06:57,678 to pay a house call to their gated community in Shaker Heights. 120 00:06:57,750 --> 00:07:00,878 - [Man] Another mojito! - Why? Because we're spending money 121 00:07:00,953 --> 00:07:03,649 on military buildup for this phony war on terror. 122 00:07:03,723 --> 00:07:07,557 Doctor, we just want the same care you give your own people. 123 00:07:07,627 --> 00:07:09,060 OK, then get in line. 124 00:07:09,128 --> 00:07:10,152 Oh, oh! Comrades! 125 00:07:10,229 --> 00:07:12,993 - [Man] End of the line, gringo! - [Man 2] No skipping! 126 00:07:13,065 --> 00:07:15,693 Cuba is famous for its free prescription drug plan. 127 00:07:15,768 --> 00:07:16,928 What do you have for me? 128 00:07:17,003 --> 00:07:18,561 - Take these. - OK. 129 00:07:18,638 --> 00:07:19,969 These are breath mints. 130 00:07:20,039 --> 00:07:23,770 - S�, se�or. Take two. - [Exhaling] Huh? 131 00:07:23,843 --> 00:07:25,743 OK, pal, there ya go. 132 00:07:25,812 --> 00:07:27,837 Free. That'll make you feel better. 133 00:07:27,914 --> 00:07:29,438 - There you go. - Huh? 134 00:07:29,515 --> 00:07:32,450 Free. You know, in America, that'd cost an arm and a leg. 135 00:07:32,518 --> 00:07:35,612 - Aw, jeez. Dude. - Sorry. 136 00:07:35,688 --> 00:07:38,282 That's OK, Paco, you'll be back on your feet in no time. 137 00:07:38,357 --> 00:07:39,722 - Cuba. More... - Ready... 138 00:07:39,792 --> 00:07:40,850 - than the jewel... - Aim... 139 00:07:40,927 --> 00:07:42,053 - of the Caribbean. - Fire! 140 00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:45,495 - A country that cares for its citizens. - [Woman] Finally, we can move up! 141 00:07:45,565 --> 00:07:47,157 God! This is paradise! 142 00:07:47,233 --> 00:07:50,691 I gotta get back, but I can be assured that my American friends 143 00:07:50,770 --> 00:07:53,739 are in good hands in the Cuban health care system. 144 00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:56,036 [Malone on bullhorn] It's time for me to leave 145 00:07:56,108 --> 00:07:59,737 and say goodbye to all my little brown friends. 146 00:07:59,812 --> 00:08:01,074 And it's off to America. 147 00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:02,307 [Woman] America! 148 00:08:02,381 --> 00:08:03,678 [Man] He's going to America! 149 00:08:03,749 --> 00:08:05,011 [Man 2] He said America! 150 00:08:05,084 --> 00:08:06,574 [People shouting] 151 00:08:06,652 --> 00:08:08,950 - Take me! - Take me! 152 00:08:09,021 --> 00:08:11,512 I do want to say... 153 00:08:11,591 --> 00:08:14,458 Whoa! Get out! Get out! 154 00:08:14,527 --> 00:08:15,960 [Screaming] 155 00:08:16,028 --> 00:08:20,488 [Malone] So many people wanted to thank me, they rushed the boat. 156 00:08:20,566 --> 00:08:23,797 These people know how bad it's gotten in America. 157 00:08:23,870 --> 00:08:28,000 Well, I guess they wanted me to spread the word about what a paradise Cuba is. 158 00:08:28,074 --> 00:08:31,475 - [Screaming] - Aah! Off my boat! 159 00:08:31,544 --> 00:08:32,533 Yeah! 160 00:08:32,612 --> 00:08:35,046 [Grandpa] He thought everybody loved his movies. 161 00:08:35,114 --> 00:08:36,547 - [girl] Did they? - No! 162 00:08:36,616 --> 00:08:39,847 Nobody loves documentaries. But people do find them restful. 163 00:08:39,919 --> 00:08:41,978 [Yawning] 164 00:08:42,054 --> 00:08:43,646 [Malone] Thank you! Thank you! 165 00:08:43,723 --> 00:08:44,849 Thank you! 166 00:08:44,924 --> 00:08:48,189 Thank you for that great New York reception. 167 00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:50,491 But as important as this movie is, 168 00:08:50,563 --> 00:08:54,363 even more important is the largest peace demonstration 169 00:08:54,433 --> 00:08:56,128 the world has ever known. 170 00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:59,603 This Sunday, we're gonna abolish July 4th. 171 00:08:59,672 --> 00:09:00,730 [Cheering] 172 00:09:00,806 --> 00:09:02,501 [Girl] Why did he hate Fourth of July? 173 00:09:02,575 --> 00:09:05,976 [Boy] It was America's birthday party and he wasn't invited. 174 00:09:06,045 --> 00:09:08,513 [Kids] Grandpa, get back to the story! 175 00:09:08,581 --> 00:09:11,709 We're sending packages to soldiers for the Fourth of July. 176 00:09:11,784 --> 00:09:14,878 They're far from their home, away from their families. 177 00:09:14,954 --> 00:09:18,549 They shouldn't be. Shouldn't you be in a tent somewhere, tyin' knots? 178 00:09:20,126 --> 00:09:23,425 Oh, ho, now, this is more like it! There ya go. 179 00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:27,990 I'll take three chocolate mints, three fudge... 180 00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:30,365 Oh, merit badges. What are those for? 181 00:09:30,436 --> 00:09:33,428 Oh. Well, this is for making a safety display. 182 00:09:33,506 --> 00:09:37,169 This one's for camping, and this is a good manners badge. 183 00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:38,505 Oh! 184 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,876 For being respectful to a fat, ignorant, 185 00:09:40,947 --> 00:09:42,278 traitorous sack of shit. 186 00:09:44,016 --> 00:09:45,381 [Girl] Grandpa! 187 00:09:45,451 --> 00:09:46,941 - Grandpa! - [Boy] I heard you! 188 00:09:47,019 --> 00:09:48,782 Oh, what? I didn't say that. 189 00:09:48,854 --> 00:09:49,912 I said, uh... 190 00:09:49,989 --> 00:09:52,685 Fat, ignorant, America-hating traitor. 191 00:09:52,758 --> 00:09:54,749 - You did say that. - No, I didn't. 192 00:09:54,827 --> 00:09:56,818 [Malone] Ha ha! The spirit is back. 193 00:09:56,896 --> 00:10:00,559 We are on a roll, people. This rally will be historic. 194 00:10:00,633 --> 00:10:03,727 - Most important since Nixon. - Nixon? 195 00:10:03,803 --> 00:10:06,397 Total dork president from around the Civil War. 196 00:10:06,472 --> 00:10:08,838 All the most important progressive organizations 197 00:10:08,908 --> 00:10:10,239 will be represented. Jane? 198 00:10:10,309 --> 00:10:13,904 So far, People For The Anti-American Way, 199 00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:17,643 Vegans Against Fur, Man-boy Love Boat, 200 00:10:17,717 --> 00:10:20,743 Potawamie Casino, Church of Entitlement, 201 00:10:20,820 --> 00:10:22,219 - and, um... - And? 202 00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:25,155 And... it's still early. 203 00:10:25,224 --> 00:10:26,248 The rally's Sunday! 204 00:10:26,325 --> 00:10:28,088 Don't worry, we'll get more. 205 00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:30,754 We're not shaving till they bring the troops home. 206 00:10:30,830 --> 00:10:33,492 - Thank you, boys. - They're women. 207 00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:37,291 [Malone] Right. 208 00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:38,462 Like all of us. 209 00:10:38,537 --> 00:10:43,873 We have to ban military recruiters from college campuses. They interfere... 210 00:10:43,943 --> 00:10:45,137 Excuse me. 211 00:10:45,211 --> 00:10:48,078 Oh. Are you here to join Sailors Against War? 212 00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:50,980 No, uh, I think all sailors are against war, 213 00:10:51,050 --> 00:10:52,642 but sometimes we have to fight. 214 00:10:52,718 --> 00:10:54,049 Soldiers Against Guns? 215 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:57,112 No. Those guns come in handy when we do fight. 216 00:10:57,189 --> 00:10:59,589 The Don't Ask, Don't Tell Brigade? 217 00:10:59,692 --> 00:11:02,024 No, uh, please. 218 00:11:02,094 --> 00:11:04,995 I'm just here looking for my uncle. His name is... Oh. 219 00:11:05,064 --> 00:11:10,092 - Uncle Michael, hey. - Huh? Josh? 220 00:11:12,071 --> 00:11:15,529 Hey. This is my... nephew. 221 00:11:15,608 --> 00:11:19,305 Josh. He's, uh... 222 00:11:19,378 --> 00:11:20,970 What are you doin' here? 223 00:11:21,047 --> 00:11:24,380 I came here to invite you to our Fourth of July barbecue, 224 00:11:24,450 --> 00:11:25,712 like I do every year. 225 00:11:25,785 --> 00:11:29,551 Well, that's very nice of you... again, but I'm a little busy here. 226 00:11:29,622 --> 00:11:32,182 "Abolish July 4th." Are you kidding? 227 00:11:32,258 --> 00:11:35,455 This is no joke. Why should I celebrate a country 228 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:39,020 that's caused oppression and terror all over the world? 229 00:11:39,098 --> 00:11:40,224 Is that how he felt? 230 00:11:40,299 --> 00:11:42,824 He was a war hero. P. T. 109. 231 00:11:42,902 --> 00:11:45,598 He would've come around. If he were alive today, 232 00:11:45,671 --> 00:11:48,469 this Sunday, he'd be marchin' with us in solidarity. 233 00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:51,408 Uncle Michael, I realize how strongly you feel, 234 00:11:51,477 --> 00:11:54,674 - but Lily and I just... - [mice squeaking] 235 00:11:54,747 --> 00:11:57,079 We won't be going too late. 236 00:11:57,149 --> 00:12:00,243 A lot of our guests are going to the Trace Adkins concert. 237 00:12:01,687 --> 00:12:04,656 - Who's Trace Adkins? - I'm good. 238 00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,715 He's a big country music star. 239 00:12:06,792 --> 00:12:09,488 Maybe not in New York, but in the rest of the country. 240 00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:11,496 Country music doesn't speak to me. 241 00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:14,692 Not just because the music's awful or the lyrics are stupid, 242 00:12:14,767 --> 00:12:18,225 or everybody dresses like that cowboy from the Village People. 243 00:12:18,304 --> 00:12:21,535 - How's little Billy? - Timmy. 244 00:12:21,607 --> 00:12:24,599 Not very well, I'm afraid, but he's got great spirit. 245 00:12:24,677 --> 00:12:27,840 - He'd love to see you. - Well, maybe I'll stop by next week. 246 00:12:27,913 --> 00:12:29,972 It'll probably be too late. 247 00:12:30,049 --> 00:12:33,644 - Oh, little Jimmy. - Timmy. 248 00:12:33,719 --> 00:12:37,246 No. He'll probably still be around, but... 249 00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:39,951 I'm shipping out to the Persian Gulf Sunday night. 250 00:12:40,025 --> 00:12:42,391 Well, can't you get out of it? 251 00:12:42,461 --> 00:12:45,487 I want to go. It's my duty. 252 00:12:45,564 --> 00:12:48,089 I don't get it. How can you be related to me? 253 00:12:48,167 --> 00:12:52,001 Mr. Malone, your 1:00 is here with people from Abolish The Military. 254 00:12:54,573 --> 00:12:56,734 Well, I guess I got some work to do. 255 00:12:56,809 --> 00:12:59,801 Well, you're invited in case you change your mind. 256 00:12:59,879 --> 00:13:00,937 Right. Sure. 257 00:13:01,013 --> 00:13:03,311 Uncle Michael, I came here in good spirits, 258 00:13:03,382 --> 00:13:05,816 and I don't want to let anything change that. 259 00:13:05,885 --> 00:13:09,150 Happy Fourth of July, everyone, and God bless America! 260 00:13:09,221 --> 00:13:12,486 [Josh] � My country, 'tis of thee 261 00:13:12,558 --> 00:13:13,616 � Sweet land of... 262 00:13:13,692 --> 00:13:15,319 � Liberty 263 00:13:15,394 --> 00:13:18,420 � Lighted up by the rockets in the air... 264 00:13:18,497 --> 00:13:20,988 - [kids shouting] - Grandpa, get back to the story! 265 00:13:21,066 --> 00:13:22,624 I've never left it. 266 00:13:24,503 --> 00:13:28,337 [Jazz music playing] 267 00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:36,840 I'm meeting my agent, Todd Grosslight. 268 00:13:36,916 --> 00:13:38,247 Oh, yes. 269 00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:41,548 I'm sorry, sir, but gentlemen are required to wear a jacket. 270 00:13:41,620 --> 00:13:43,281 Look, don't you know who I am? 271 00:13:43,355 --> 00:13:44,822 I'm Michael Malone. 272 00:13:44,890 --> 00:13:48,257 Well, then perhaps a shower as well. 273 00:13:50,196 --> 00:13:53,427 What the hell? I didn't make the top 10? That's impossible! 274 00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:57,299 Apparently, the people who like your movies don't actually go to movies. 275 00:13:57,369 --> 00:14:00,827 No one wants to see Americans screwed by foreigners, except in porn. 276 00:14:00,906 --> 00:14:02,635 I haven't done porn in years! 277 00:14:02,708 --> 00:14:05,871 - [Music stops] - [Nervous chuckle] 278 00:14:05,945 --> 00:14:11,076 - Anyway, I'm an Oscar-winning director. - For a documentary. Come on. 279 00:14:11,150 --> 00:14:12,913 I know that. 280 00:14:12,985 --> 00:14:15,249 I gotta do a feature like John Ford. 281 00:14:15,321 --> 00:14:18,085 That man was a true filmmaker. 282 00:14:18,157 --> 00:14:22,025 The sweeping vision, the amazing panoramas of Monument Valley. 283 00:14:22,094 --> 00:14:23,686 And soldiers were good guys. 284 00:14:23,762 --> 00:14:27,061 But you're leading a demonstration against our troops. 285 00:14:27,132 --> 00:14:29,225 Oh, right, on the Fourth of July. 286 00:14:29,301 --> 00:14:32,600 - It's not against the troops. - Oh, save it for your crazies. 287 00:14:32,671 --> 00:14:35,196 Look, Mikey, 288 00:14:36,141 --> 00:14:39,076 this is a fickle town. 289 00:14:39,144 --> 00:14:41,237 See the maitre d' over there, huh? 290 00:14:41,313 --> 00:14:43,474 Used to be recurring on Seinfeld. 291 00:14:44,683 --> 00:14:47,345 Hey, call me. [laughs] 292 00:14:47,419 --> 00:14:49,512 Now, what is this feature you have in mind? 293 00:14:49,588 --> 00:14:53,649 It's a powerful drama about oppressed people adrift in a world gone mad. 294 00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:54,750 Hmm! 295 00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:58,991 It's anti-everything-America-stands-for without being anti-American. 296 00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:00,497 Hmm... 297 00:15:01,367 --> 00:15:04,859 Fascist America? Comedy, right? 298 00:15:04,937 --> 00:15:06,871 Wow. [sniffs] Did you bathe today? 299 00:15:06,939 --> 00:15:08,839 No. 300 00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:11,843 [Orchestra playing] 301 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:15,108 [Announcer] And now, live from New York City, 302 00:15:15,180 --> 00:15:17,546 it's the MooveAlong. Org Film Awards, 303 00:15:17,616 --> 00:15:20,779 hosted by Paris Hilton and Simon Rex. 304 00:15:20,853 --> 00:15:22,650 And now, here are your hosts, 305 00:15:22,721 --> 00:15:24,712 Paris Hilton and Simon Rex. 306 00:15:24,790 --> 00:15:28,317 We are gathered here tonight because we all share the same goals: 307 00:15:28,394 --> 00:15:32,023 Redistribution of wealth, freedom from the chains of materialism, 308 00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:34,463 and, of course, ending world hunger. 309 00:15:34,533 --> 00:15:37,297 - [Applause] - Finally. I'm starving. 310 00:15:38,337 --> 00:15:41,932 It's our pleasure to present the most prestigious honor 311 00:15:42,007 --> 00:15:44,669 in documentary film, the Leni Riefenstahl Award. 312 00:15:44,743 --> 00:15:46,574 [Applause, music] 313 00:15:46,645 --> 00:15:49,512 [Rex] As Germany's most famous documentary filmmaker, 314 00:15:49,581 --> 00:15:52,311 Leni Riefenstahl celebrated the incredible rise 315 00:15:52,384 --> 00:15:54,352 of Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler, 316 00:15:54,420 --> 00:15:57,753 becoming a tireless promoter of his campaign for change. 317 00:15:57,823 --> 00:16:00,519 Her pioneering use of the wide-angle lens 318 00:16:00,592 --> 00:16:03,288 to capture the scope of massive formations 319 00:16:03,362 --> 00:16:05,990 paved the way for generations of filmmakers. 320 00:16:06,065 --> 00:16:08,727 Through the creative manipulation of truth, 321 00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:13,295 she was able to influence history, demonstrating the power of film. 322 00:16:13,372 --> 00:16:17,536 [Hilton] Although resulting in the death of over 60 million people, 323 00:16:17,609 --> 00:16:20,271 her place in any cinematic hall of fame is secure. 324 00:16:20,346 --> 00:16:24,783 And this year's award for best documentary director goes to... 325 00:16:24,850 --> 00:16:28,581 Michael Malone for Die, You American Pigs. 326 00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:32,351 [Announcer] This is Michael Malone's third Moove Along award. 327 00:16:32,424 --> 00:16:36,019 He previously won for his documentaries Shame On You, America, 328 00:16:36,095 --> 00:16:38,962 - and America Sucks A Big One. - Oh, OK. 329 00:16:39,031 --> 00:16:42,933 Hey. I try to tell the truth in my films, and I get attacked... 330 00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:45,596 - [orchestra playing] - But I'm gonna continue... 331 00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:46,695 Oh. Ha. 332 00:16:46,772 --> 00:16:48,034 Oh. What is that? 333 00:16:50,476 --> 00:16:51,670 Ooh! Ooh! 334 00:16:56,749 --> 00:16:58,410 Get my good side. 335 00:16:58,484 --> 00:17:01,385 That concludes the non-televised portion of the show. 336 00:17:01,453 --> 00:17:02,715 - [Drum roll] - Huh? 337 00:17:02,788 --> 00:17:04,813 And now the highlight of the evening: 338 00:17:04,990 --> 00:17:07,049 Best Feature Film Director. 339 00:17:07,126 --> 00:17:08,923 And the award goes to... 340 00:17:10,062 --> 00:17:11,757 [both] George Mulrooney! 341 00:17:11,830 --> 00:17:14,094 For That McCarthy Sure Was Bad. 342 00:17:14,166 --> 00:17:16,430 [Announcer] The heroic story of newscaster 343 00:17:16,502 --> 00:17:20,768 Edward R. Murrow, who half a century ago took on a drunken U.S. Senator 344 00:17:20,839 --> 00:17:23,103 who accused people of being communists. 345 00:17:23,175 --> 00:17:25,643 This is Mulrooney's 19th Moove Along Award 346 00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:29,078 to go with his 11 Oscars, 9 Emmys, and two Super Bowl rings. 347 00:17:29,148 --> 00:17:32,140 Thank you. I... I dedicate this award 348 00:17:32,217 --> 00:17:34,617 to all the courageous filmmakers 349 00:17:34,686 --> 00:17:36,449 who take on tough issues 350 00:17:36,522 --> 00:17:39,150 like McCarthyism, even though it no longer exists, 351 00:17:39,224 --> 00:17:42,489 or like slavery or Nazism, even though they ended, too. 352 00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:46,088 But you know, evil exists today. Like, well, Islamic terrorism. 353 00:17:46,165 --> 00:17:49,225 [Laughing] But like I'm gonna make that movie, right? 354 00:17:49,301 --> 00:17:52,600 Like I want to get beheaded. [choking] 355 00:17:52,671 --> 00:17:56,038 - [Orchestra playing] - [Mulrooney laughing] 356 00:17:56,108 --> 00:17:58,702 - Thank you! - [Woman] George! Over here! 357 00:17:58,777 --> 00:18:00,972 Aah! 358 00:18:01,046 --> 00:18:03,139 Ooh! Mom? 359 00:18:16,995 --> 00:18:18,121 Huh! 360 00:18:19,164 --> 00:18:21,064 Oh! [chuckling] 361 00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:24,934 Wow. Mulrooney's so hot. 362 00:18:26,738 --> 00:18:28,262 Huh? Huh? 363 00:18:28,340 --> 00:18:30,331 Excuse us, Director Michael Malone. 364 00:18:30,409 --> 00:18:32,877 I am Ahmed, and this is my comrade Mohammed. 365 00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:33,934 Nice to meet you. 366 00:18:34,012 --> 00:18:38,176 Wait, no. We want you to direct a movie to inspire the final jihad. 367 00:18:38,250 --> 00:18:42,914 Oh, thanks, fellas, great idea, but I'm only doin' big-budget features. 368 00:18:42,988 --> 00:18:44,956 How big of a budget would you need? 369 00:18:45,023 --> 00:18:47,082 A feature? 10 million minimum. 370 00:18:47,159 --> 00:18:49,150 Call me when you sold enough falafel. 371 00:18:52,631 --> 00:18:54,997 Ahmed, Mohammed. 372 00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:56,159 [Both] Who are you? 373 00:18:56,235 --> 00:18:57,497 It's me. 374 00:19:00,205 --> 00:19:01,570 - Aziz! - Shh! 375 00:19:03,041 --> 00:19:06,010 - What are you doing here? - We have a more important mission. 376 00:19:06,078 --> 00:19:08,239 - But the movie. - It can wait. 377 00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:11,942 This will be the most spectacular attack on the infidels ever. 378 00:19:12,017 --> 00:19:15,475 But we need to find someone important with the right connections. 379 00:19:15,554 --> 00:19:18,079 [Malone] I'm directing Mulrooney's next picture. 380 00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:20,352 - Someone like that. - Director Akbar? 381 00:19:20,425 --> 00:19:22,916 Yes. What will it take to get him to cooperate? 382 00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:24,360 [Both] $10 million. 383 00:19:24,429 --> 00:19:27,330 Well, the opium crop is very good this year. 384 00:19:27,399 --> 00:19:29,299 Money will be no problem. 385 00:19:29,368 --> 00:19:30,892 Allahu Akbar. 386 00:19:32,471 --> 00:19:34,598 So I said to Spielberg, Steve, you can't... 387 00:19:34,673 --> 00:19:36,163 Ooh, crab cakes. 388 00:19:36,241 --> 00:19:38,266 Say, want to go to Clint's party with me? 389 00:19:38,343 --> 00:19:39,401 Director Akbar! 390 00:19:39,478 --> 00:19:43,278 - We have glorious news for you... - George! George! 391 00:19:43,348 --> 00:19:44,406 We have 10 million. 392 00:19:44,483 --> 00:19:47,748 Must have been a good opium crop this year. George, over here. 393 00:19:47,819 --> 00:19:51,482 - 10 million U.S. Dollars, cash. - Cash? Right! 394 00:19:51,557 --> 00:19:54,048 - Good! So you'll do it. - Yeah, right. 395 00:19:54,126 --> 00:19:57,118 Have your people contact my people. 396 00:19:58,197 --> 00:20:00,427 I bet she would look great in a burka. 397 00:20:02,067 --> 00:20:04,501 [Entertainment Tonight theme music playing] 398 00:20:04,570 --> 00:20:08,028 [Humming along] 399 00:20:08,106 --> 00:20:10,131 [Mary Hart] Now, Entertainment Tonight 400 00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:13,940 takes you behind the scenes to discover where are they now? 401 00:20:14,012 --> 00:20:17,641 We're going to find out whatever happened to Michael Malone, 402 00:20:17,716 --> 00:20:19,741 the beefy filmmaker who's trying to get 403 00:20:19,818 --> 00:20:22,685 a new movie off the ground, a feature. [laughs] 404 00:20:22,754 --> 00:20:25,222 After the news that his latest movie tanked... 405 00:20:25,290 --> 00:20:28,384 - What?! - Who is gonna bankroll that? 406 00:20:28,460 --> 00:20:31,258 This past Tuesday, we finally tracked down 407 00:20:31,330 --> 00:20:33,321 Clyde the orangutan... 408 00:20:33,398 --> 00:20:33,932 [Seinfeld-like music playing] 409 00:20:33,932 --> 00:20:36,958 [Seinfeld-like music playing] 410 00:20:37,035 --> 00:20:40,027 - Are you sure you have $10 million? - Absolutely. 411 00:20:40,105 --> 00:20:41,902 Then why'd you come to me? 412 00:20:41,974 --> 00:20:45,239 We heard you're a big, fat liar. Aah! 413 00:20:45,310 --> 00:20:48,006 Sorry. My friend is not detonating on all cylinders. 414 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:51,015 He meant, your movies are filled with big, fat lies. 415 00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:54,143 It's OK. They're documentaries. They don't have to be true. 416 00:20:54,219 --> 00:20:56,278 Look, I love America. 417 00:20:56,355 --> 00:20:59,586 That's why it needs to be destroyed, so it'll come to its senses. 418 00:20:59,658 --> 00:21:02,218 Right. Well, anyway, we need your help. 419 00:21:02,294 --> 00:21:04,319 No matter how many people we kill, 420 00:21:04,396 --> 00:21:06,193 we cannot get rid of the Americans. 421 00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:08,358 We need a movie that shows we are winning. 422 00:21:08,433 --> 00:21:09,798 Even though we're not. Aah! 423 00:21:09,868 --> 00:21:12,029 Director Akbar, we already have an idea. 424 00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:14,664 It's a traditional Taliban love story. 425 00:21:14,740 --> 00:21:18,232 Boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, boy cuts girl's head off. 426 00:21:18,310 --> 00:21:19,607 What? 427 00:21:19,678 --> 00:21:22,340 Happy ending. He preserves his honor. 428 00:21:22,414 --> 00:21:25,850 Look, guys, I'm not gonna do a movie about homicidal psychopaths 429 00:21:25,917 --> 00:21:27,384 who cut people's heads off. 430 00:21:27,452 --> 00:21:30,319 I'll do it, but it's gonna be my script. 431 00:21:30,389 --> 00:21:32,983 Dramatic story about how one courageous man 432 00:21:33,058 --> 00:21:35,526 took on the system and exposed America's evil. 433 00:21:35,594 --> 00:21:38,324 Like Hannah Montana. Wait! 434 00:21:38,397 --> 00:21:42,595 - Thank you. Oh! - [Seinfeld-like music playing] 435 00:21:42,668 --> 00:21:44,693 You gonna finish that? 436 00:21:44,770 --> 00:21:47,102 Wait. He's going to work for terrorists? 437 00:21:47,172 --> 00:21:50,835 - It's looking that way, isn't it? - Doesn't that make him a terrorist? 438 00:21:50,909 --> 00:21:53,605 [Girl] No, silly. That just makes him a total idiot. 439 00:21:55,614 --> 00:21:57,445 [Announcer]... first-place tie. 440 00:21:57,516 --> 00:21:58,744 [Changing channels] 441 00:21:58,817 --> 00:22:02,275 [Announcer] John F. Kennedy, 35th president of the United States, 442 00:22:02,354 --> 00:22:04,982 cut down by an assassin's bullet. 443 00:22:05,057 --> 00:22:09,153 The tears were not only for a president, but for what he stood for, 444 00:22:09,227 --> 00:22:11,593 the causes he held dear. 445 00:22:11,663 --> 00:22:15,292 [Kennedy] Let us never negotiate out of fear, 446 00:22:15,367 --> 00:22:20,430 - but let us never fear to negotiate. - My hero. A man of peace. 447 00:22:20,505 --> 00:22:22,530 If only you were president now. 448 00:22:24,843 --> 00:22:25,832 Wait. 449 00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:32,677 If I were president, what? 450 00:22:33,885 --> 00:22:35,409 [Malone gasping] 451 00:22:35,487 --> 00:22:38,923 You said that I was a hero, a true peacemaker. 452 00:22:42,294 --> 00:22:43,727 [Malone] You can't be here! 453 00:22:43,795 --> 00:22:45,353 You're dead! 454 00:22:45,430 --> 00:22:49,389 - You must redeem yourself. - How'd you do that? 455 00:22:49,468 --> 00:22:51,959 This is the greatest country in history, 456 00:22:52,037 --> 00:22:54,505 and you have slandered it all over the globe. 457 00:22:54,573 --> 00:22:57,872 I was tryin' to be like you. You wouldn't have gone into Vietnam. 458 00:22:57,943 --> 00:23:00,537 - Who told you that? - Oliver Stone. In his movie. 459 00:23:00,612 --> 00:23:03,638 Oh, brother! Did you ever read my inaugural address? 460 00:23:03,715 --> 00:23:07,344 Of course! "Ask not what your country can do for you. 461 00:23:07,419 --> 00:23:08,943 Ask what..." Aah! 462 00:23:09,020 --> 00:23:12,046 Not that part. The part about going to war. 463 00:23:12,124 --> 00:23:14,422 - There was a war part? - Oh, brother. 464 00:23:19,064 --> 00:23:20,793 Let every nation know, 465 00:23:20,866 --> 00:23:23,334 whether they wish us well or ill, 466 00:23:23,402 --> 00:23:25,768 that we shall pay any price, 467 00:23:25,837 --> 00:23:27,771 bear any burden... 468 00:23:27,839 --> 00:23:28,828 [tapping screen] 469 00:23:28,907 --> 00:23:32,274 Meet any hardship, support any friend, 470 00:23:32,344 --> 00:23:37,304 oppose any foe, to assure the survival 471 00:23:37,382 --> 00:23:38,974 and the success of liberty. 472 00:23:39,050 --> 00:23:41,575 Uh, thanks, folks. 473 00:23:41,653 --> 00:23:44,986 Oh! I didn't know about the war part. 474 00:23:45,056 --> 00:23:48,253 What do you think that meant? Draft another 8 U.N. Resolutions? 475 00:23:48,326 --> 00:23:49,759 You sound like Reagan. 476 00:23:49,828 --> 00:23:52,262 Thank you. You're not gonna eat that, are you? 477 00:23:52,330 --> 00:23:56,061 OK, look, you will be visited by three spirits. 478 00:23:56,134 --> 00:23:57,328 Listen to them. 479 00:23:57,402 --> 00:23:58,391 Learn from them. 480 00:23:58,470 --> 00:23:59,630 Oh, yeah. 481 00:23:59,704 --> 00:24:04,107 The spirits are gonna come scare me, and I'm gonna be born again, right? 482 00:24:05,811 --> 00:24:07,244 What a douchebag. 483 00:24:09,648 --> 00:24:10,672 Hey, wait! 484 00:24:10,749 --> 00:24:13,616 Hey, when are these spirits gonna... Aah! 485 00:24:19,257 --> 00:24:22,249 [Alarm clock beeping] 486 00:24:24,663 --> 00:24:25,823 Oh! 487 00:24:27,766 --> 00:24:29,131 What a nightmare. 488 00:24:30,402 --> 00:24:31,630 I'm gonna be late! 489 00:24:33,605 --> 00:24:34,629 Ooh! 490 00:24:34,706 --> 00:24:37,038 [Grandpa] He rushed to Columbia University 491 00:24:37,108 --> 00:24:39,599 to lead a demonstration against the troops. 492 00:24:39,678 --> 00:24:42,738 - [girl] What's a demonstration? - Well, in this case, 493 00:24:42,814 --> 00:24:46,750 it's when students show how much they don't know by repeating it loudly. 494 00:24:46,818 --> 00:24:50,083 [Protesters chanting] Peace, yes! Recruiters, no! 495 00:24:50,155 --> 00:24:53,181 Peace, yes! Recruiters, no! Peace, yes! Recruiters, no! 496 00:24:53,258 --> 00:24:55,123 Peace, yes! Recruiters, no! 497 00:24:55,193 --> 00:24:56,956 Peace, yes! Recruiters, no! 498 00:24:57,028 --> 00:24:58,586 Peace, yes, recruiters, no! 499 00:24:58,663 --> 00:25:01,894 [Malone] There is nothing more important than stopping war! 500 00:25:01,967 --> 00:25:04,492 No more wars! No more wars! 501 00:25:04,569 --> 00:25:08,164 Because instead of fighting, we should talk to our enemies! 502 00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:10,140 Talk, don't fight! Talk, don't fight! 503 00:25:10,208 --> 00:25:14,804 Right! Right! Don't believe the government lies! 504 00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:17,348 Don't believe lies! Don't believe lies! 505 00:25:17,415 --> 00:25:20,680 Good... good. That's good chanting. Good. 506 00:25:20,752 --> 00:25:24,620 There is no terrorist threat! The government just wants to... 507 00:25:24,689 --> 00:25:27,317 The government just wants! The government just wants! 508 00:25:27,392 --> 00:25:31,158 That doesn't make any sense. Please hang on a second. Please, OK? 509 00:25:31,229 --> 00:25:32,389 [Chanting stops] 510 00:25:32,464 --> 00:25:35,126 The government is exaggerating the terrorist threat 511 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:36,997 for its own nefarious purposes! 512 00:25:37,068 --> 00:25:40,697 What does nefarious mean? What does nefarious mean? 513 00:25:40,772 --> 00:25:44,230 Well, you know, it means... just hang on a second. 514 00:25:44,309 --> 00:25:47,107 Can we just stop chanting, please? 515 00:25:47,178 --> 00:25:50,306 - Stop, don't chant! Stop, don't... - Will you shut up?! 516 00:25:50,382 --> 00:25:52,509 Just shut up for a second! 517 00:25:52,584 --> 00:25:57,317 OK, uh... can we just try to listen for a minute 518 00:25:57,389 --> 00:25:58,856 without the chanting? 519 00:25:58,924 --> 00:26:01,188 OK, we have to stop... 520 00:26:01,259 --> 00:26:03,727 Hey! Free history term papers! 521 00:26:03,795 --> 00:26:05,092 - [Shouting] - Whoa! 522 00:26:05,163 --> 00:26:06,790 Oh! 523 00:26:10,135 --> 00:26:11,534 Ooh! 524 00:26:15,807 --> 00:26:17,206 Ooh, thanks a lot. 525 00:26:17,275 --> 00:26:18,674 That got a little wild. 526 00:26:20,912 --> 00:26:24,871 Hey, who are you? Army recruitin' senior citizens? 527 00:26:24,950 --> 00:26:26,417 Aah! Hey! 528 00:26:26,484 --> 00:26:31,786 That's "Hey, sir", maggot. I am General George S. Patton. 529 00:26:31,856 --> 00:26:33,483 That explains the slapping. 530 00:26:33,558 --> 00:26:36,220 You're General George Patton, from the movie? 531 00:26:36,294 --> 00:26:42,130 No. From the United States Army, back when this country was winning wars. 532 00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:45,192 Oh, my God, JFK. 533 00:26:45,270 --> 00:26:50,071 "You will be visited by three..." Aah! Hey! What's with all the slapping? 534 00:26:50,141 --> 00:26:52,575 It's my trademark. 535 00:26:52,644 --> 00:26:55,636 Well, maybe you ought to try a baseball cap. 536 00:26:55,714 --> 00:26:57,238 [Protesters] No more war! 537 00:26:57,315 --> 00:26:58,907 No more war! 538 00:26:58,984 --> 00:27:00,281 No more war! 539 00:27:00,352 --> 00:27:03,048 - Hey, where am I? - No more war! 540 00:27:03,121 --> 00:27:05,282 We pledge ourselves! 541 00:27:05,357 --> 00:27:09,623 We will not support the United States in any war! 542 00:27:09,694 --> 00:27:11,685 Right on, sister. 543 00:27:11,763 --> 00:27:15,096 - So, what's goin' on here? - Damn peace demonstration. 544 00:27:15,166 --> 00:27:18,795 Just like yours, only this is 1940. They don't want us to fight Hitler. 545 00:27:18,870 --> 00:27:21,566 - So they can't see us. - Right. 546 00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:23,130 Hmm. Aah! 547 00:27:23,208 --> 00:27:25,233 This is gonna be harder than I thought. 548 00:27:25,310 --> 00:27:27,437 I'm startin' to notice a pattern here. 549 00:27:27,512 --> 00:27:30,845 - Anyway, this never happened! - This absolutely happened. 550 00:27:30,915 --> 00:27:35,147 Well, they're pacifists. They understand war doesn't solve problems. 551 00:27:35,220 --> 00:27:38,348 The only way is to sign agreements like civilized people, 552 00:27:38,423 --> 00:27:42,325 - not like sadistic movie generals. - That general you saw was an actor! 553 00:27:42,394 --> 00:27:44,919 I'll show you what the real Patton was up against! 554 00:27:48,266 --> 00:27:51,394 OK, where are we now? Who's the guy dressed as a butler? 555 00:27:51,469 --> 00:27:53,460 Germany, September, 1938. 556 00:27:53,538 --> 00:27:57,133 That's Neville Chamberlain, weak-assed prime minister of England. 557 00:27:57,208 --> 00:28:00,006 Shh. He's gettin' a signed agreement. 558 00:28:00,078 --> 00:28:03,377 [Chamberlain] Right. This gives you all the Sudetenland, 559 00:28:03,448 --> 00:28:06,349 Austria, and a couple countries I can't pronounce. 560 00:28:06,418 --> 00:28:08,318 And we'll throw in Czechoslovakia. 561 00:28:08,386 --> 00:28:11,753 So that's C A, no. T... Oh! 562 00:28:11,823 --> 00:28:13,290 Let's make it Poland. 563 00:28:13,358 --> 00:28:16,156 The important thing is we now have hope. 564 00:28:16,227 --> 00:28:19,025 See? He stands for what's important. 565 00:28:19,097 --> 00:28:21,224 Does that look like standing to you? 566 00:28:22,300 --> 00:28:25,235 - There. How's that? - You missed a spot. 567 00:28:25,303 --> 00:28:28,830 [Patton] Hey! Don't you see these guys are playin' you for a fool? 568 00:28:28,907 --> 00:28:29,931 [Whistling] 569 00:28:30,008 --> 00:28:33,671 - War is not the answer. - [Patton] You wimpy little bastard! 570 00:28:33,745 --> 00:28:36,543 You're givin' this Nazi everything and gettin' nothin' in return! 571 00:28:36,614 --> 00:28:39,014 Not nothing. We get peace. 572 00:28:39,084 --> 00:28:42,451 � Kumbaya, my lord 573 00:28:42,520 --> 00:28:45,978 - � Kumbaya - And a damn fine cup of tea. 574 00:28:46,558 --> 00:28:49,356 Und we'll name a concentration camp after you. 575 00:28:49,427 --> 00:28:52,396 Think of it... Camp Auschwitz Chamberlain. 576 00:28:52,464 --> 00:28:53,522 Lovely. 577 00:28:55,033 --> 00:28:56,466 Hang on. I'm good at this. 578 00:28:56,534 --> 00:28:58,502 Mr. Herr President, 579 00:28:58,570 --> 00:29:01,733 obviously America's done something wrong to make you 580 00:29:01,806 --> 00:29:04,274 want to invade these countries and kill innocent people. 581 00:29:04,342 --> 00:29:08,176 - I'm just as frustrated as you. - Excuse me, Fuhrer... 582 00:29:08,246 --> 00:29:10,476 - � You're a grand old flag... - May I have a word? 583 00:29:10,548 --> 00:29:14,416 Hang on. America keeps doing things to piss off the rest of the world. 584 00:29:14,486 --> 00:29:15,783 We bring it on ourselves. 585 00:29:15,854 --> 00:29:19,085 What do we do to address your understandable grievances? 586 00:29:19,157 --> 00:29:21,057 How about carbon emission credits? 587 00:29:21,126 --> 00:29:23,594 That'll offset your need to invade France... 588 00:29:23,661 --> 00:29:24,958 Aah! 589 00:29:25,029 --> 00:29:27,088 [Soldiers] I don't know, but I been told, 590 00:29:27,165 --> 00:29:29,099 kill some Jews and take their gold. 591 00:29:29,167 --> 00:29:33,126 Third floor. Right. Sorry. 592 00:29:33,204 --> 00:29:36,264 They really should add flying to the things we can do. 593 00:29:36,341 --> 00:29:40,209 My point is talking to evil dictators gets you nothing. 594 00:29:40,278 --> 00:29:42,212 You know one thing they understand? 595 00:29:42,280 --> 00:29:44,771 I'm guessing some sort of physical violence. 596 00:29:44,849 --> 00:29:48,182 - Strength. That's the only thing. - Right. I'll remember that. 597 00:29:48,253 --> 00:29:50,881 Is there anything you think is worth fighting for? 598 00:29:50,955 --> 00:29:54,789 Well, I'd kill to do a feature. Now, can we please just go home? 599 00:29:54,859 --> 00:29:58,351 Sure thing. Right home. Cigar? 600 00:29:58,429 --> 00:30:02,058 And support the imperialist big business tobacco lobby? Never. 601 00:30:02,133 --> 00:30:03,157 It's Cuban. 602 00:30:03,234 --> 00:30:07,227 Hmm... I guess I can make an exception. 603 00:30:07,305 --> 00:30:11,071 Ah! Takes me back. 604 00:30:11,142 --> 00:30:12,370 What the hell is this? 605 00:30:12,443 --> 00:30:16,106 - Your home. Maloneville, Alabama. - I live in Alabama? 606 00:30:16,181 --> 00:30:19,844 Didn't you hear? Around 1860, all the good jobs started to move south. 607 00:30:19,918 --> 00:30:22,011 - After the Civil War? - There was no war. 608 00:30:22,086 --> 00:30:24,577 Lincoln agreed with you. War was not the answer. 609 00:30:24,656 --> 00:30:27,454 - Saved 600,000 American lives. - Well, that's good. 610 00:30:27,525 --> 00:30:29,857 Good move for the economy here, too. 611 00:30:29,928 --> 00:30:32,362 - What? Why? - Cheap labor. 612 00:30:32,430 --> 00:30:35,194 Mass'a Malone! Mass'a Malone! 613 00:30:35,266 --> 00:30:37,894 I had the boys polish your trophies like you told us. 614 00:30:37,969 --> 00:30:39,436 Polish my trophies? 615 00:30:39,504 --> 00:30:41,734 I ain't know they gave awards for a documentary. 616 00:30:41,806 --> 00:30:45,264 You know, for your information... Wait! Who are these people? 617 00:30:45,343 --> 00:30:47,811 You're the biggest slave owner in the state. 618 00:30:47,879 --> 00:30:50,006 Mass'a Malone, you ain't recognized me? 619 00:30:50,081 --> 00:30:51,207 I's Rastus. 620 00:30:51,282 --> 00:30:54,080 What? Oh, this can't be happening. 621 00:30:55,153 --> 00:30:56,780 Hey, isn't that... 622 00:30:58,122 --> 00:31:00,147 Yeah, that's him, all right. 623 00:31:00,225 --> 00:31:02,318 Don't you worry, mass'a Malone. 624 00:31:02,393 --> 00:31:05,055 We got them bacon stains out of the upholstery. 625 00:31:05,129 --> 00:31:08,292 It's a good thing ol' Mr. Lincoln never fought no wars. 626 00:31:08,366 --> 00:31:13,326 Oh... look, uh, Rastus, you know this isn't real, right? 627 00:31:13,404 --> 00:31:16,805 Whatever you say, mass'a. Whatever you say, I guess this old ni... 628 00:31:16,875 --> 00:31:18,672 No! Don't! Stop! Don't say that. 629 00:31:18,743 --> 00:31:21,177 Mass'a Malone! Mass'a Malone! Good news! 630 00:31:21,246 --> 00:31:24,875 Productivity is through the roof since you sold Daddy and the old folks! 631 00:31:24,949 --> 00:31:27,042 Now we can buy us about 20 new bucks 632 00:31:27,118 --> 00:31:28,949 and start pickin' some cotton! 633 00:31:29,020 --> 00:31:31,784 [Men, singing in harmony] � The trouble I've seen... 634 00:31:31,856 --> 00:31:35,257 Rastus, tell me, how does old mass'a Malone treat his slaves? 635 00:31:35,326 --> 00:31:37,794 Mass'a Malone is the bestest, 636 00:31:37,862 --> 00:31:41,025 most kindliest mass'a a slave could have. 637 00:31:41,099 --> 00:31:43,795 Oh, he don't beat us unless we awful bad. 638 00:31:43,868 --> 00:31:46,962 And he don't sell the li'I children until they 6 months old. 639 00:31:47,038 --> 00:31:49,029 No, no, no! I... 640 00:31:49,107 --> 00:31:53,840 Mass'a, don't beat me! I ain't healed from the beatin' you gave me yesterday! 641 00:31:53,912 --> 00:31:56,745 No, I wasn't gonna be... Can you make them stop? 642 00:31:56,814 --> 00:31:58,042 Look, here, y'all! 643 00:31:58,116 --> 00:32:01,608 Mass'a don't want to hear slave shit! Kick somethin' into 4l4! 644 00:32:01,686 --> 00:32:02,710 [Man] 1, 2, 3, 4. 645 00:32:02,787 --> 00:32:05,483 � Hava nagila, hava nagila 646 00:32:05,556 --> 00:32:08,992 � Hava nagila ve nis'mecha 647 00:32:09,060 --> 00:32:12,427 � Hava nagila, we are so happy 648 00:32:12,497 --> 00:32:15,295 � That mass'a owns us He is the best, yeah! 649 00:32:15,366 --> 00:32:17,197 I gotta get out of here! 650 00:32:17,268 --> 00:32:20,362 All right, mass'a leavin'. Everybody wave goodbye. 651 00:32:20,438 --> 00:32:23,839 - Hope you can buy some more of us. - We sure could use a baritone. 652 00:32:23,908 --> 00:32:25,466 - Huh? - [Girl] Bye, Daddy. 653 00:32:25,543 --> 00:32:27,636 - [Malone screams] - [Boy] Bye, Daddy! 654 00:32:27,712 --> 00:32:30,078 - [Girl 2] Bye, Daddy! - [Girl 3] Bye, Daddy! 655 00:32:30,148 --> 00:32:31,308 [Screaming] 656 00:32:31,382 --> 00:32:34,749 - Aw, that was sick. - Not as sick as slavery. 657 00:32:36,888 --> 00:32:40,619 Lincoln is revered now for fighting that war. 658 00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:43,154 Hey, you would know. 659 00:32:43,227 --> 00:32:46,458 - Those rumors about Lincoln bein' gay. - [Cell phone ringing] 660 00:32:46,531 --> 00:32:48,158 Why don't I just shoot you now? 661 00:32:48,232 --> 00:32:50,166 Well, maybe he just had a wide stance. 662 00:32:50,234 --> 00:32:52,065 Hang on. I gotta take this. Hello! 663 00:32:52,136 --> 00:32:53,763 Michael? Where are you? 664 00:32:53,838 --> 00:32:57,535 - Oh, I'm in, uh, D.C. - Yeah, right. Wherever you are, 665 00:32:57,608 --> 00:33:00,236 you're supposed to be at Columbia in the morning. 666 00:33:00,311 --> 00:33:01,676 I know. Of course. 667 00:33:01,746 --> 00:33:04,044 - [Phone beeps] - Jane... Hello? Hello? Jane? 668 00:33:04,115 --> 00:33:06,515 [Off-the-hook signal] 669 00:33:06,584 --> 00:33:09,951 - Damn cell phones. - Here. Use mine. 670 00:33:11,723 --> 00:33:11,823 But do your minutes roll over to the next month? 671 00:33:11,823 --> 00:33:14,189 But do your minutes roll over to the next month? 672 00:33:14,258 --> 00:33:15,247 Course they do. 673 00:33:15,326 --> 00:33:18,727 - But do you get unlimited texting? - You think I was born yesterday? 674 00:33:18,796 --> 00:33:20,195 [Students conversing] 675 00:33:20,264 --> 00:33:21,595 [Door opens] 676 00:33:21,666 --> 00:33:22,860 Your people. 677 00:33:22,934 --> 00:33:24,492 Yep, the students love me. 678 00:33:24,569 --> 00:33:26,469 Love you? They don't even know you. 679 00:33:26,537 --> 00:33:27,799 You're unique. 680 00:33:27,872 --> 00:33:30,102 A liberal director who can't even get laid 681 00:33:30,174 --> 00:33:32,836 at the University Peace Studies Department. 682 00:33:32,910 --> 00:33:36,004 - They flock to my movies. - They flock to slasher movies. 683 00:33:36,080 --> 00:33:38,742 They go to your movies 'cause professors tell them to. 684 00:33:38,816 --> 00:33:42,217 This is where they get information to support the peace movement. 685 00:33:42,286 --> 00:33:45,449 - It's called education. - It's called indoctrination. 686 00:33:45,523 --> 00:33:49,357 The American flag is a symbol of oppression all over the world. 687 00:33:49,427 --> 00:33:51,554 July 4th is a despicable celebration. 688 00:33:51,629 --> 00:33:54,530 I know that look. You're gonna try to teach me somethin'. 689 00:33:54,599 --> 00:33:56,897 Where we gonna go now, back in time? 690 00:33:56,968 --> 00:33:59,459 We don't have to. We're at a university. 691 00:33:59,537 --> 00:34:00,970 [Pitch pipe plays note] 692 00:34:01,039 --> 00:34:03,769 � Nothing has changed 693 00:34:03,841 --> 00:34:07,299 � We still think the same way 694 00:34:07,378 --> 00:34:10,609 � And if you think the way we do 695 00:34:10,681 --> 00:34:13,673 � We'll give you an A 696 00:34:13,751 --> 00:34:16,515 � And you get extra credit 697 00:34:16,587 --> 00:34:20,182 � If you're poor, black, or gay 698 00:34:20,258 --> 00:34:24,422 � Just be sure not to pray 699 00:34:24,495 --> 00:34:27,862 � Yes, everything's the same 700 00:34:27,932 --> 00:34:28,921 Mmm! 701 00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:30,160 - [Slap] - Aah! 702 00:34:30,234 --> 00:34:32,031 [Man] Two, three, four. 703 00:34:32,103 --> 00:34:34,663 � The president's stupid, our soldiers are thugs 704 00:34:34,739 --> 00:34:36,604 � The government's dirty 705 00:34:36,674 --> 00:34:38,141 � Our cops are on drugs 706 00:34:38,209 --> 00:34:41,269 � But we still like our co-eds with blond hair and jugs 707 00:34:41,345 --> 00:34:44,837 � And America's to blame 708 00:34:44,916 --> 00:34:48,317 � Just like in 1968 709 00:34:48,386 --> 00:34:50,581 - Are you kidding? A musical number? - � 1968 710 00:34:50,655 --> 00:34:52,145 A little entertainment. 711 00:34:52,223 --> 00:34:54,555 � We were smart when we had something to part 712 00:34:54,625 --> 00:34:56,388 What kind of a soldier are you? 713 00:34:56,461 --> 00:34:58,827 Startin' to understand the boots and the whip. 714 00:34:58,896 --> 00:35:02,127 � 1968, things were really great 715 00:35:02,200 --> 00:35:03,997 � I used to ovulate 716 00:35:04,068 --> 00:35:07,435 � You gotta love 1968 717 00:35:07,505 --> 00:35:09,871 Hey, what are you doin' with our kids? 718 00:35:09,941 --> 00:35:10,930 � ... in the moon 719 00:35:11,008 --> 00:35:14,068 � And so what if there are facts That we forget to include? 720 00:35:14,145 --> 00:35:17,114 � We've already got tenure So your children are screwed 721 00:35:17,181 --> 00:35:20,639 � To a college with half a brain Nothin's changed 722 00:35:20,718 --> 00:35:23,050 What do your parents think you're doin' here? 723 00:35:23,121 --> 00:35:25,521 They're just happy to have us out of the house. 724 00:35:25,590 --> 00:35:28,582 Wanna hear what you're spending your life savings on? 725 00:35:28,659 --> 00:35:31,560 - I gave up an ass lift for this? - Take a look! 726 00:35:31,629 --> 00:35:34,359 � America's evil, it's a fascist regime 727 00:35:34,432 --> 00:35:37,765 � Take over the world It's the American dream 728 00:35:37,835 --> 00:35:40,531 � And pay no attention to the being supreme 729 00:35:40,605 --> 00:35:46,202 [Malone] � He doesn't matter Anymore 730 00:35:49,013 --> 00:35:50,037 Oh. 731 00:35:50,114 --> 00:35:53,174 � Just like in 1968 732 00:35:54,585 --> 00:35:56,246 � 1968 733 00:35:57,522 --> 00:36:00,491 � 1968 734 00:36:00,558 --> 00:36:02,458 � 1968 735 00:36:02,527 --> 00:36:03,755 � Come on to 19 736 00:36:03,828 --> 00:36:05,523 � 1968 737 00:36:05,596 --> 00:36:06,893 � Let's keep singin' it 738 00:36:06,964 --> 00:36:08,955 � 1968 739 00:36:09,033 --> 00:36:12,264 - So, what do you think now? - I'm still against torture. 740 00:36:12,336 --> 00:36:14,702 OK, so they're a little behind the times. 741 00:36:14,772 --> 00:36:18,230 It doesn't make it OK for you to embarrass those great professors. 742 00:36:18,309 --> 00:36:20,277 Doin' a good job of that themselves. 743 00:36:20,344 --> 00:36:22,209 They're only tryin' to bring peace. 744 00:36:22,280 --> 00:36:25,875 By indoctrinating an entire generation to hate its own country. 745 00:36:25,950 --> 00:36:27,542 Well, they teach math, too. 746 00:36:28,819 --> 00:36:32,255 When was it in your life that you went so completely wrong? 747 00:36:32,323 --> 00:36:33,881 Was it in college? 748 00:36:33,958 --> 00:36:34,982 Before that? 749 00:36:35,059 --> 00:36:36,151 Was it a girl? 750 00:36:38,396 --> 00:36:40,523 [Doorbell rings] 751 00:36:40,598 --> 00:36:43,294 - Michael! - Molly! 752 00:36:46,204 --> 00:36:50,231 Molly, I'm off to save the world, but I'll be back. 753 00:36:50,308 --> 00:36:53,368 Oh, Michael, war is such a terrible thing. 754 00:36:53,444 --> 00:36:54,536 I know, Molly. 755 00:36:54,612 --> 00:36:56,773 That's why I'm going off to film school. 756 00:36:56,847 --> 00:36:58,712 Film school? 757 00:36:58,783 --> 00:37:01,547 Yes. No sacrifice too great. 758 00:37:01,619 --> 00:37:03,246 You'll wait for me of course? 759 00:37:03,321 --> 00:37:05,312 Sure. Or course. 760 00:37:05,389 --> 00:37:06,981 Take your time. 761 00:37:12,964 --> 00:37:14,625 But she didn't wait, did she? 762 00:37:14,699 --> 00:37:17,930 She tried, but I was gone so long. 763 00:37:18,002 --> 00:37:21,028 Long? You were kicked out in the first semester. 764 00:37:21,105 --> 00:37:22,265 [Doorbell rings] 765 00:37:22,340 --> 00:37:23,432 [Molly] Coming! 766 00:37:28,646 --> 00:37:31,012 - Molly. - Marty! 767 00:37:37,121 --> 00:37:38,554 Oh, my God! 768 00:37:38,623 --> 00:37:41,148 This can't be happening! 769 00:37:41,225 --> 00:37:42,487 My best friend? 770 00:37:42,560 --> 00:37:45,723 We fell in love while you were gone. 771 00:37:45,796 --> 00:37:48,264 No! I mean, he's in the army! 772 00:37:48,332 --> 00:37:50,857 How terrible! You got drafted! 773 00:37:50,935 --> 00:37:52,527 No, Michael. I enlisted. 774 00:37:52,603 --> 00:37:54,195 I want to serve my country. 775 00:37:54,272 --> 00:37:57,537 How could you want to serve the corrupt American war machine? 776 00:37:57,608 --> 00:38:00,076 - Molly. - Marty. 777 00:38:00,144 --> 00:38:03,511 I just love men in uniform. 778 00:38:03,581 --> 00:38:05,947 Oh, shoot. 779 00:38:09,453 --> 00:38:12,320 You know, that uniform always worked for me, too. 780 00:38:12,390 --> 00:38:13,550 [Chuckles] 781 00:38:13,624 --> 00:38:15,751 So, you remember what happened next. 782 00:38:15,826 --> 00:38:18,852 Yeah, my first film. A daring expose on something... 783 00:38:18,929 --> 00:38:20,396 She did the astronaut, too? 784 00:38:20,464 --> 00:38:22,261 And the entire crew of the shuttle. 785 00:38:24,001 --> 00:38:26,128 [� The Army Goes Rolling Along playing] 786 00:38:31,208 --> 00:38:33,199 [Sound of record needle scratching] 787 00:38:35,112 --> 00:38:38,604 Well, general, enjoyed this cruel little side trip, thank you, 788 00:38:38,683 --> 00:38:40,810 but I have an interview in 20 minutes. 789 00:38:40,885 --> 00:38:42,785 Don't worry, kid. 790 00:38:42,853 --> 00:38:44,844 Things are gonna get a lot worse. 791 00:38:49,126 --> 00:38:54,257 The demonstration is outside the Madison Square Garden. 792 00:38:54,332 --> 00:38:58,393 We need to get into artists' entrance where there are no metal detectors. 793 00:38:58,469 --> 00:39:01,461 Well, for that, we will need all-access media passes. 794 00:39:01,539 --> 00:39:02,528 Exactly. 795 00:39:02,606 --> 00:39:05,166 You must get these from director Malone. 796 00:39:05,242 --> 00:39:07,870 He can get them. He's a documentary filmmaker. 797 00:39:07,945 --> 00:39:12,405 Wait. You got us a documentary filmmaker? 798 00:39:12,483 --> 00:39:15,611 Yes, but, leader, he gets to go everywhere 799 00:39:15,686 --> 00:39:17,711 so he can document his hate of America. 800 00:39:17,788 --> 00:39:20,916 Where would they give all-access passes to someone like that? 801 00:39:20,991 --> 00:39:22,481 - America! - America! 802 00:39:22,560 --> 00:39:23,754 [Both laughing] 803 00:39:25,529 --> 00:39:28,896 - Ahmed? Mohammed? - Oh, uh, director Akbar. 804 00:39:28,966 --> 00:39:32,993 - What are you doin' here? - We are here to watch your interview. 805 00:39:33,070 --> 00:39:36,267 - [Mohammed] And talk about the movie. - [Malone] Oh, yeah. 806 00:39:36,340 --> 00:39:38,069 Who's Mister Happy? 807 00:39:38,142 --> 00:39:41,202 Oh, him? Aziz is an actor. 808 00:39:42,480 --> 00:39:45,608 Well, he's also our contact to the foreign investors. 809 00:39:45,683 --> 00:39:49,278 Oh... [laughs] Aziz, my man. Wonderful to meet you. 810 00:39:49,353 --> 00:39:53,722 You know, for financing a movie, you can get an associate producer credit. Huh? 811 00:39:53,791 --> 00:39:57,454 Oh, holdin' out for executive producer. Too clever for me. 812 00:39:57,528 --> 00:39:59,621 You must have been killer sellin' rugs. 813 00:39:59,697 --> 00:40:01,096 OK, we'll negotiate. 814 00:40:01,165 --> 00:40:03,360 How about joinin' me for the interview? 815 00:40:03,434 --> 00:40:07,632 - No, no, no, he can't be on TV. - I am here illegally. 816 00:40:07,705 --> 00:40:10,367 Mohammed and Ahmed have visas, but I could not. 817 00:40:10,441 --> 00:40:12,170 Yes, he was on some kind of list. 818 00:40:14,712 --> 00:40:18,113 [Aziz] I came through Mexico... with some friends. 819 00:40:18,182 --> 00:40:19,274 Great, great. 820 00:40:19,350 --> 00:40:21,215 Good thing that fence isn't up yet. 821 00:40:21,285 --> 00:40:23,480 This country was built by immigrants. 822 00:40:23,554 --> 00:40:26,751 No matter. We'll get you a nice cameo in the movie. 823 00:40:26,824 --> 00:40:29,918 Have to shave, though. You look like a terrorist. 824 00:40:29,994 --> 00:40:31,427 [Malone laughing] 825 00:40:31,495 --> 00:40:32,928 [Laughing] 826 00:40:34,832 --> 00:40:36,766 [Screams, imitates explosion] 827 00:40:36,834 --> 00:40:38,597 Aah! Help me! I'm on fire! 828 00:40:38,669 --> 00:40:40,261 Aah! Bam! 829 00:40:40,337 --> 00:40:41,565 Hey, a bomb went off! 830 00:40:41,639 --> 00:40:43,072 [Laughing] 831 00:40:44,442 --> 00:40:47,741 So what's the next step? Financing in place? 832 00:40:47,812 --> 00:40:48,801 Yes. 833 00:40:48,879 --> 00:40:50,904 But before the money is committed, 834 00:40:50,981 --> 00:40:53,347 I'll need media passes to your demonstration. 835 00:40:53,417 --> 00:40:54,441 Media passes? 836 00:40:54,518 --> 00:40:57,919 Well, uh, he wants to hear the great director speak. 837 00:40:58,022 --> 00:41:01,856 Oh, yes, all right. We can arrange that. 838 00:41:01,926 --> 00:41:05,418 Be good to have you there, show that everybody's against violence. 839 00:41:05,496 --> 00:41:08,624 - Especially jihadists. - [Elevator bell rings] 840 00:41:10,801 --> 00:41:11,790 What? 841 00:41:11,869 --> 00:41:14,201 We need to treat all cultures equally. 842 00:41:14,271 --> 00:41:16,899 Everyone is equal. 843 00:41:16,974 --> 00:41:20,501 Oh, damn. A thread. Right before the interview. 844 00:41:20,578 --> 00:41:21,875 Allow me. 845 00:41:26,050 --> 00:41:27,984 Oh, thanks there, Ali Baba. 846 00:41:30,321 --> 00:41:32,846 Hi. I'm Bill O'Reilly. Thanks for watching. 847 00:41:32,923 --> 00:41:35,790 Tonight's special segment is July 4th. 848 00:41:35,860 --> 00:41:39,296 Now, most folks will be celebrating by going to a barbecue, 849 00:41:39,363 --> 00:41:41,388 a parade, or here in New York City, 850 00:41:41,465 --> 00:41:45,697 to a Madison Square Garden country music concert for the troops. 851 00:41:45,769 --> 00:41:48,602 But my guests tonight have different plans. 852 00:41:48,672 --> 00:41:51,163 Michael Malone is planning a demonstration 853 00:41:51,242 --> 00:41:54,541 - to abolish the Fourth of July. - Hi, Bill. 854 00:41:54,612 --> 00:41:58,810 And there are always fireworks with TV personality Rosie O'Connell. 855 00:41:58,883 --> 00:42:00,043 Good to be here, Bill. 856 00:42:00,117 --> 00:42:03,883 Rosie's gonna show us a clip from her documentary, but first, Mr. Malone, 857 00:42:03,954 --> 00:42:07,481 you're demonstrating against the troops on Independence Day? 858 00:42:07,558 --> 00:42:08,616 Come on. 859 00:42:08,692 --> 00:42:11,092 It's not against the troops. It's against... 860 00:42:11,161 --> 00:42:14,858 Look, we support the troops. We just don't want them to kill anyone. 861 00:42:14,932 --> 00:42:17,628 What? Don't you realize that these troops 862 00:42:17,701 --> 00:42:21,398 are the only ones standing between radical Islam and innocent people? 863 00:42:21,472 --> 00:42:22,769 Bill, there you go. 864 00:42:22,840 --> 00:42:25,400 You think all terrorists are radical Islamists. 865 00:42:25,476 --> 00:42:26,704 That's profiling. 866 00:42:26,777 --> 00:42:30,042 Radical Christianity is as threatening as radical Islam. 867 00:42:30,114 --> 00:42:32,844 - I don't think she means... - It's exactly what I mean! 868 00:42:32,917 --> 00:42:34,043 You can't be serious. 869 00:42:34,118 --> 00:42:37,554 I'm serious and Michael agrees with me. Let's roll the clip. 870 00:42:37,621 --> 00:42:39,521 All right, roll it. 871 00:42:39,590 --> 00:42:42,457 [Announcer] The civilized world braces itself 872 00:42:42,526 --> 00:42:45,188 for an onslaught of death and destruction 873 00:42:45,262 --> 00:42:47,560 brought on by radical Christians 874 00:42:47,631 --> 00:42:51,863 as they attempt to spread their ideology through terror throughout the world. 875 00:43:00,077 --> 00:43:01,442 Praise Jesus! 876 00:43:03,480 --> 00:43:05,209 Hail Mary full of grace! 877 00:43:05,282 --> 00:43:08,115 Look out! It's those Christians! 878 00:43:08,185 --> 00:43:10,949 72 virgins, here I come! 879 00:43:11,021 --> 00:43:12,648 [Announcer] We all pay the price 880 00:43:12,723 --> 00:43:16,090 for the increased security needs caused by the actions 881 00:43:16,160 --> 00:43:17,525 of radical Christians. 882 00:43:17,595 --> 00:43:20,120 I hate having to take these off every time. 883 00:43:20,197 --> 00:43:22,791 Yeah. Ever since that Christian hid explosives 884 00:43:22,866 --> 00:43:24,231 in the bottom of his shoes. 885 00:43:24,301 --> 00:43:27,031 You can't take this on. I'll have to confiscate it. 886 00:43:27,104 --> 00:43:28,093 Toothpaste? 887 00:43:28,172 --> 00:43:31,005 No liquids since the Christians tried to bomb that plane 888 00:43:31,075 --> 00:43:34,135 with smuggled nitroglycerine and let me take this as well. 889 00:43:34,211 --> 00:43:35,200 [Baby crying] 890 00:43:35,279 --> 00:43:38,942 - [Man] Please remove all underclothing. - Oh, brother. 891 00:43:39,016 --> 00:43:42,577 - Ever since the underwear bomber. - The Christian underwear bomber. 892 00:43:42,653 --> 00:43:46,054 [Man on PA] All items of underclothing must be placed in the trays. 893 00:43:46,123 --> 00:43:47,351 Damn those Christians. 894 00:43:47,424 --> 00:43:49,756 - Yipes! - My God! 895 00:43:49,827 --> 00:43:53,126 If you add extra bleach, you might get those stains out. 896 00:43:53,197 --> 00:43:55,427 - Hey! - Have you considered a change in diet? 897 00:43:55,499 --> 00:43:57,797 - What? - Honey? Wouldn't hurt. 898 00:43:57,868 --> 00:43:59,301 [Man grunting and moaning] 899 00:44:00,604 --> 00:44:02,629 Ever since the suppository bomber... 900 00:44:02,706 --> 00:44:04,901 The Episcopal suppository bomber. 901 00:44:07,611 --> 00:44:10,808 That's not a documentary. That's The Flintstones. 902 00:44:10,881 --> 00:44:14,681 Bill, using reenactments to prove points is a sign of a great documentary. 903 00:44:14,752 --> 00:44:16,549 That's what we do. Right, Michael? 904 00:44:16,620 --> 00:44:20,056 Bill, you wouldn't get that, because you're a close-minded bigot! 905 00:44:20,124 --> 00:44:23,855 Actually, Rosie, I'm thinkin' your masterpiece may win some awards. 906 00:44:23,927 --> 00:44:27,328 Let's start it off with enshrining you in the Pinhead Hall of Fame. 907 00:44:27,398 --> 00:44:28,558 Keep it up, Bill. 908 00:44:28,632 --> 00:44:31,294 We wouldn't be at war at all if we didn't overreact 909 00:44:31,368 --> 00:44:32,858 to that phony 9l11 attack. 910 00:44:32,936 --> 00:44:35,700 [O'Reilly] You can't be serious. I rest my case. 911 00:44:35,773 --> 00:44:38,333 Can we talk about the Anti-War demonstration? 912 00:44:38,409 --> 00:44:41,708 You think those towers were brought down by planes? No, explosives. 913 00:44:41,779 --> 00:44:44,873 - Malone. - That's simply idiotic. No sane... 914 00:44:44,948 --> 00:44:47,348 It's the first time fire ever melted steel! 915 00:44:47,418 --> 00:44:50,876 Rosie, I've heard that claim. It's only made by complete morons. 916 00:44:50,954 --> 00:44:52,819 Now, Bill, our demonstration... 917 00:44:52,890 --> 00:44:55,916 Don't call me names. We weren't even invaded by a nation! 918 00:44:55,993 --> 00:44:57,426 She's a little far out. 919 00:44:57,494 --> 00:44:59,519 Here's a news flash for you, Malone. 920 00:44:59,596 --> 00:45:02,156 Your movies may not be as crazy as Rosie's, 921 00:45:02,232 --> 00:45:06,328 but yours are more dangerous because some idiots believe what you say. 922 00:45:06,403 --> 00:45:07,768 Because I tell the truth! 923 00:45:07,838 --> 00:45:10,534 Because you tell the audience what it wants to hear. 924 00:45:10,607 --> 00:45:12,268 At least nobody believes Rosie. 925 00:45:12,342 --> 00:45:15,072 You didn't even believe that Elvis is still alive. 926 00:45:15,179 --> 00:45:17,238 Or that we never landed on the Moon. 927 00:45:17,314 --> 00:45:20,750 I'm gonna take both and put 'em into my next documentary. 928 00:45:20,818 --> 00:45:24,447 Well, that concludes this look at the moderate left. 929 00:45:24,521 --> 00:45:28,184 Next week, we'll be looking at the crazies who populate the fringe. 930 00:45:32,096 --> 00:45:33,188 [Woman] Mr. Malone? 931 00:45:33,263 --> 00:45:35,527 Mr. Malone? 932 00:45:35,599 --> 00:45:36,759 Mr. Malone? 933 00:45:36,834 --> 00:45:38,495 [Boy] Grandpa? Grandpa! 934 00:45:38,569 --> 00:45:39,627 What? 935 00:45:39,703 --> 00:45:41,136 A Mr. Mohammed called. 936 00:45:41,205 --> 00:45:43,537 Something about not being late for rehearsal? 937 00:45:43,607 --> 00:45:45,472 Heather, I still have plenty of... 938 00:45:45,542 --> 00:45:46,566 A rehearsal?! 939 00:45:46,643 --> 00:45:49,077 How could you be part of the evil military 940 00:45:49,146 --> 00:45:52,411 and kill my brothers and sisters who are defending their country? 941 00:45:52,483 --> 00:45:56,817 Yusef, there are no straight men left. Girls like me have to join the army. 942 00:45:56,887 --> 00:45:58,684 Yes, that's why I joined. 943 00:45:58,756 --> 00:46:01,190 She reads the lines with such conviction. 944 00:46:01,258 --> 00:46:04,716 Yes. This is so much better than building pipe bombs. 945 00:46:04,795 --> 00:46:06,023 What are you doing? 946 00:46:06,096 --> 00:46:08,724 W had to start rehearsals. We have no time to waste. 947 00:46:08,799 --> 00:46:10,426 - But we haven't even... - Shh! 948 00:46:10,501 --> 00:46:14,062 Say no to the army, run away to France where they have real men. 949 00:46:14,138 --> 00:46:16,538 No. The recruiters kidnap us off the street, 950 00:46:16,607 --> 00:46:19,576 talk to us for hours until we finally agree to sign up. 951 00:46:19,643 --> 00:46:20,803 Like Scientology. 952 00:46:20,878 --> 00:46:23,870 I'll ask the great leader Osama for us to stay together. 953 00:46:23,947 --> 00:46:25,505 - I didn't write that. - Shh! 954 00:46:25,582 --> 00:46:28,278 - [Man] To stay together. - Please. Director Akbar! 955 00:46:28,352 --> 00:46:30,411 - Huh? - For us to stay together... 956 00:46:30,487 --> 00:46:32,751 [man] Is this a real sword? 957 00:46:32,823 --> 00:46:34,051 [Man 2] Yes. Be careful. 958 00:46:34,124 --> 00:46:36,024 - [Man screams] - [Malone] Oh, my God. 959 00:46:36,093 --> 00:46:38,220 I will ask the great leader Osama. 960 00:46:38,295 --> 00:46:40,820 She's an infidel. Cut off her head. 961 00:46:40,898 --> 00:46:43,958 - Aah! - And cut off her balls, too! 962 00:46:44,034 --> 00:46:46,662 - Yaah! Come back here! - No! Not me! Kill her! 963 00:46:46,737 --> 00:46:48,932 - Death to the uncircumcised! - Asshole! 964 00:46:49,006 --> 00:46:51,338 - This sword is heavy! - Just one second. 965 00:46:51,408 --> 00:46:52,602 Give him more lines. 966 00:46:52,676 --> 00:46:55,440 - Hey, isn't that? - Yes, actor Akbar. 967 00:46:55,512 --> 00:46:57,139 Revered by all Americans. 968 00:46:57,214 --> 00:47:01,776 This isn't that kind of movie. This is serious, for adults. Not entertainment. 969 00:47:01,852 --> 00:47:04,685 - He will be hard to replace. - There is no replacing! 970 00:47:04,755 --> 00:47:08,350 This is about militants being held at Guantanamo without a lawyer! 971 00:47:08,425 --> 00:47:10,791 Meryl Streep already did that! 972 00:47:10,861 --> 00:47:13,921 What about the Marine who rapes and murders an Iraqi family? 973 00:47:13,997 --> 00:47:15,794 Brian De Palma, straight to video. 974 00:47:15,866 --> 00:47:18,300 - [Clanging] - Lawyer who fights wiretapping. 975 00:47:18,368 --> 00:47:19,357 Robert Redford. 976 00:47:19,436 --> 00:47:21,404 Soldier who's forced to go back to Iraq! 977 00:47:21,471 --> 00:47:23,666 - Has an Oscar buzz. - I want to see that! 978 00:47:23,740 --> 00:47:26,038 - We'll see it Friday. - It's a date. 979 00:47:26,109 --> 00:47:27,371 [Groaning] 980 00:47:27,444 --> 00:47:30,971 I know. All the really great anti-American films have been done. 981 00:47:31,048 --> 00:47:33,573 No way we can compete with Hollywood studios. 982 00:47:33,650 --> 00:47:36,084 [Man] Michael Malone? What are you doing here? 983 00:47:36,153 --> 00:47:40,453 - I'm directing this picture. - What? I don't do documentaries. 984 00:47:40,524 --> 00:47:43,960 - Malone! We're under attack! - [Malone] Now what? 985 00:47:46,997 --> 00:47:49,591 [People screaming, horns honking] 986 00:47:50,467 --> 00:47:52,662 - Come on! - Aah! 987 00:47:53,737 --> 00:47:55,295 I don't see an attack. 988 00:47:55,372 --> 00:47:58,273 - A gun? I don't... - Fine. I know. Talk, don't shoot. 989 00:47:58,342 --> 00:48:01,038 Think of that as a talkin' stick. Let's go, men! 990 00:48:01,111 --> 00:48:04,376 - [Malone] Where are we going?! - [Patton] Don't step in that! 991 00:48:07,651 --> 00:48:09,380 [Malone] What's going on?! 992 00:48:09,453 --> 00:48:12,183 Sons of bitches! Get the hell out of this courtroom! 993 00:48:12,256 --> 00:48:16,022 - Stop! You can't just shoot people! - They're not people! They're the ACLU! 994 00:48:16,093 --> 00:48:17,924 What?! You still can't... 995 00:48:17,995 --> 00:48:19,257 Oh! Aah! 996 00:48:19,329 --> 00:48:21,126 Aah! Aah! 997 00:48:24,868 --> 00:48:28,201 - Fire at will, boys! - [Malone screaming] 998 00:48:29,006 --> 00:48:31,372 - [People screaming] - What's goin' on here? 999 00:48:31,441 --> 00:48:34,103 ACLU. They come around every now and then. 1000 00:48:34,177 --> 00:48:36,372 No listenin' in on terrorists' calls. 1001 00:48:36,446 --> 00:48:38,937 Be nice to Al Qaeda. Read 'em their rights. 1002 00:48:39,016 --> 00:48:40,347 [Lawyers grunting] 1003 00:48:40,417 --> 00:48:42,476 [Judge] Separation of church and state. 1004 00:48:42,552 --> 00:48:43,746 Aah! 1005 00:48:43,820 --> 00:48:47,620 I'll tell you one thing about the undead. They are relentless. 1006 00:48:47,691 --> 00:48:48,953 Aah! 1007 00:48:49,026 --> 00:48:52,052 Gun control. That gets 'em a little riled up, too. 1008 00:48:52,129 --> 00:48:53,596 - [Gunshot] - Aah! 1009 00:48:53,664 --> 00:48:56,394 I think we could use gun control right about now! 1010 00:48:56,466 --> 00:48:57,933 Tell it to them. 1011 00:48:58,001 --> 00:48:59,025 Aah! 1012 00:49:00,170 --> 00:49:01,228 Aah! 1013 00:49:01,305 --> 00:49:02,795 Try it. It's fun. 1014 00:49:02,873 --> 00:49:04,602 - [Gunshot] - Whoa! 1015 00:49:04,675 --> 00:49:07,269 Try not to lead 'em so much next time. 1016 00:49:07,344 --> 00:49:08,470 Aah! 1017 00:49:08,545 --> 00:49:09,671 - Aah! - Aah! 1018 00:49:10,314 --> 00:49:15,047 What we're tryin' to do here, son, is protect the Ten Commandments. 1019 00:49:15,118 --> 00:49:16,415 There's still five left. 1020 00:49:16,486 --> 00:49:20,252 Hey, judge! Is the "not killing" still up there? 1021 00:49:20,324 --> 00:49:21,552 Aw, screw it! 1022 00:49:22,526 --> 00:49:23,515 Aah! 1023 00:49:23,593 --> 00:49:26,255 - Guns are not the answer! - [Gunshot] 1024 00:49:26,330 --> 00:49:29,231 - Aah! - Nice shot. 1025 00:49:29,299 --> 00:49:30,994 Oh, my God, what have I done? 1026 00:49:31,068 --> 00:49:33,502 The first one's always the best. 1027 00:49:35,672 --> 00:49:37,537 [Both grunting] 1028 00:49:40,744 --> 00:49:42,575 OK, OK, give me that thing. 1029 00:49:42,646 --> 00:49:43,670 Aah! 1030 00:49:44,715 --> 00:49:45,875 Ooh! 1031 00:49:45,949 --> 00:49:47,473 I bet they heard that. 1032 00:49:47,551 --> 00:49:50,714 Come on! They're on the subway! 1033 00:49:50,787 --> 00:49:52,379 Godspeed, General! 1034 00:50:01,765 --> 00:50:03,630 I'll need to see your bag, please. 1035 00:50:07,804 --> 00:50:09,396 [Grunting] 1036 00:50:11,074 --> 00:50:13,167 This says we can't search their bags. 1037 00:50:13,243 --> 00:50:15,473 [Grunting] 1038 00:50:18,515 --> 00:50:20,483 Thank Allah for the ACLU. 1039 00:50:20,550 --> 00:50:23,781 Now you are going to see the glory of jihad. 1040 00:50:23,854 --> 00:50:26,550 They're going to fly a subway into a building? 1041 00:50:29,026 --> 00:50:30,220 [Gunshots] 1042 00:50:30,293 --> 00:50:33,729 Subway into a building... hmm. 1043 00:50:33,797 --> 00:50:37,460 Well, now you've gone too far! You're against privacy rights, too? 1044 00:50:37,534 --> 00:50:40,094 Only when they interfere with survival rights. 1045 00:50:46,376 --> 00:50:48,844 Enjoy your privacy rights in hell. 1046 00:50:52,182 --> 00:50:55,083 The Patriot Act is spoiling everything. 1047 00:50:55,152 --> 00:50:57,450 I can't believe I lent Fayed my backpack. 1048 00:50:57,521 --> 00:50:58,545 Aah! 1049 00:50:59,623 --> 00:51:01,284 - [Clanging] - [Screaming] 1050 00:51:01,358 --> 00:51:04,384 Sir, we are ready to do our duty. 1051 00:51:04,461 --> 00:51:07,362 Your job is to pick up the three all-access media passes 1052 00:51:07,431 --> 00:51:09,490 from the infidel director. 1053 00:51:09,566 --> 00:51:13,002 As America watches that concert on TV, 1054 00:51:13,070 --> 00:51:15,595 they will see the power of jihad. 1055 00:51:15,672 --> 00:51:18,232 You are going to blow up Madison Square Garden? 1056 00:51:18,308 --> 00:51:19,707 When that roof collapses 1057 00:51:19,776 --> 00:51:22,506 on 20,000 American soldiers and their families, 1058 00:51:22,579 --> 00:51:25,980 we will be held as martyrs throughout the Arab world. 1059 00:51:26,049 --> 00:51:28,415 But we will be dead. 1060 00:51:30,253 --> 00:51:31,550 Yes. 1061 00:51:31,621 --> 00:51:35,785 Isn't there like a remote control or a button or something? 1062 00:51:35,859 --> 00:51:39,351 Leader, we get the passes for it from the director Akbar. 1063 00:51:39,429 --> 00:51:40,487 Very good. 1064 00:51:40,564 --> 00:51:42,828 I'm gonna grab a knish. 1065 00:51:42,899 --> 00:51:44,628 Your families will be proud. 1066 00:51:48,171 --> 00:51:49,934 Is there nothing we can do? 1067 00:51:50,006 --> 00:51:53,066 Nothing. The plan is foolproof. 1068 00:52:03,053 --> 00:52:08,150 Enough already. It's not as if I'm against Santa Claus or the Boy Scouts. 1069 00:52:08,225 --> 00:52:09,351 Little tip for you. 1070 00:52:09,426 --> 00:52:11,087 Fascist uniforms, not cool. 1071 00:52:11,161 --> 00:52:13,527 - Or religion. - Or the Fourth of July? 1072 00:52:13,597 --> 00:52:16,862 Fourth of July? That reminds me. I got a demonstration. See ya. 1073 00:52:16,933 --> 00:52:18,230 [Lawyers grunting] 1074 00:52:18,301 --> 00:52:19,359 You're leavin'? 1075 00:52:19,436 --> 00:52:22,030 Yep. End of the line for me, so conjure up some fog 1076 00:52:22,105 --> 00:52:25,506 - and get me the hell out of here. - Just go. This is real. 1077 00:52:25,575 --> 00:52:26,667 Are you sure? 1078 00:52:26,743 --> 00:52:28,540 That subway station was too clean. 1079 00:52:28,612 --> 00:52:29,977 Oh... unh! 1080 00:52:30,046 --> 00:52:33,209 [Country music playing, people conversing] 1081 00:52:40,423 --> 00:52:41,856 That's the real America. 1082 00:52:41,925 --> 00:52:45,588 Proud to celebrate the Fourth of July, just like your own family. 1083 00:52:45,662 --> 00:52:49,223 - This is my own family. - Huh? 1084 00:52:49,299 --> 00:52:50,960 Oh, right. So it is. 1085 00:52:51,034 --> 00:52:52,524 Hey, do I smell burgers? 1086 00:52:54,304 --> 00:52:56,295 I made your favorite, sweet potatoes. 1087 00:52:56,373 --> 00:52:57,738 Aw, honey, you know, 1088 00:52:57,807 --> 00:53:00,332 what I think I'm gonna miss most is your cooking. 1089 00:53:00,410 --> 00:53:02,970 - Not my kisses? - [Both laughing] 1090 00:53:03,813 --> 00:53:05,781 Should I set a place for Uncle Michael? 1091 00:53:05,849 --> 00:53:09,114 Oh, no, honey. Uncle Michael's still very busy. 1092 00:53:09,186 --> 00:53:11,313 I feel bad he keeps disappointing you. 1093 00:53:11,388 --> 00:53:14,050 [Josh] Well, he'll come around. 1094 00:53:14,124 --> 00:53:18,083 - [Timmy] God bless us, everyone. - There he is, my gentle little Timmy. 1095 00:53:18,161 --> 00:53:20,891 What a beautiful day for a family picnic. 1096 00:53:20,964 --> 00:53:23,057 Hey, Timmy, ready for dessert? 1097 00:53:23,133 --> 00:53:26,660 Daddy, is your asshole uncle coming tonight? 1098 00:53:26,736 --> 00:53:27,896 Uh, well... 1099 00:53:27,971 --> 00:53:30,804 Uh, Timmy, you know Uncle Michael loves you. 1100 00:53:30,874 --> 00:53:33,172 That lard ass only loves himself. 1101 00:53:33,243 --> 00:53:35,438 Did he come up with money for my operation? 1102 00:53:35,512 --> 00:53:37,036 Uh, well, uh... 1103 00:53:37,113 --> 00:53:40,173 Documentaries don't actually pay enough to, uh... 1104 00:53:40,250 --> 00:53:43,879 - [girl] Daddy! - Beckah. Hi, sweetheart. 1105 00:53:43,954 --> 00:53:48,152 I see that Michael "I'm gonna get you a cornea transplant" Malone 1106 00:53:48,225 --> 00:53:49,556 stiffed you again. 1107 00:53:49,626 --> 00:53:52,424 Uh, honey, he's doin' everything he can. 1108 00:53:52,495 --> 00:53:56,488 I bet he spent time in the cornea market at the Cannes Film Festival. 1109 00:53:56,566 --> 00:53:57,624 [Josh] Oh, good! 1110 00:53:57,701 --> 00:53:59,999 The boys have brought out Tiny Tina. 1111 00:54:00,070 --> 00:54:03,062 She's doing so much better on that new dialysis machine. 1112 00:54:03,139 --> 00:54:04,128 [Josh] Hey, kids! 1113 00:54:04,207 --> 00:54:07,870 I don't suppose Uncle Jerkwad has showed up with the kidney. 1114 00:54:07,944 --> 00:54:10,378 I'm running a little short on time here. 1115 00:54:12,415 --> 00:54:13,473 - Ow! - Aah! 1116 00:54:13,550 --> 00:54:15,177 - [Kids screaming] - Oh! Come on! 1117 00:54:15,252 --> 00:54:16,753 Now, can't we go on to some other awful place? 1118 00:54:16,753 --> 00:54:17,981 Now, can't we go on to some other awful place? 1119 00:54:18,054 --> 00:54:20,522 - Where the hell are we? - Kandahar, Afghanistan. 1120 00:54:20,590 --> 00:54:22,490 But there's a war going on here! 1121 00:54:22,559 --> 00:54:24,026 - [Patton] Since 9l11! - Down! 1122 00:54:24,094 --> 00:54:26,221 - Down! - They shouldn't be blindfolded. 1123 00:54:26,296 --> 00:54:29,163 - It's against the Geneva Convention. - They're the enemy. 1124 00:54:29,232 --> 00:54:32,827 - They're innocent till proven guilty. - Let me tell you something. 1125 00:54:32,902 --> 00:54:36,531 If they're on the battlefield and shooting at you, they're guilty! 1126 00:54:36,606 --> 00:54:38,369 [Malone] That's not the point. 1127 00:54:38,441 --> 00:54:40,739 There's no reason to blindfold prisoners. 1128 00:54:40,810 --> 00:54:43,677 Fine. Take 'em off. 1129 00:54:46,416 --> 00:54:49,044 [All] Michael Malone! Michael Malone! 1130 00:54:49,119 --> 00:54:51,314 [Prisoner] Die You American Pigs! 1131 00:54:51,388 --> 00:54:52,912 He's much fatter in person. 1132 00:54:52,989 --> 00:54:54,047 OK, OK. 1133 00:54:54,124 --> 00:54:57,560 Let's see how fat I look with one of these blindfolds back on. 1134 00:54:57,627 --> 00:54:58,651 - [Explosion] - Oh! 1135 00:54:58,728 --> 00:54:59,990 Aah aah aah! 1136 00:55:00,063 --> 00:55:02,896 [Soldiers]... for my God is with me wherever I go. 1137 00:55:02,966 --> 00:55:04,866 Have mercy upon me, O God, 1138 00:55:04,934 --> 00:55:07,300 for it is an unfailing love. 1139 00:55:07,370 --> 00:55:09,429 Praise be to the Lord, my rock, 1140 00:55:09,506 --> 00:55:12,475 who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle. 1141 00:55:12,542 --> 00:55:14,134 We're taking fire! 1142 00:55:22,986 --> 00:55:25,853 Aah! They're using real bullets! 1143 00:55:26,923 --> 00:55:28,982 Aah! Oh! 1144 00:55:29,059 --> 00:55:30,424 Oh! 1145 00:55:30,493 --> 00:55:32,188 [Groaning] 1146 00:55:36,733 --> 00:55:39,327 [Patton] Honestly, I've tried to show him, 1147 00:55:39,402 --> 00:55:42,235 but this one is just too bullheaded. 1148 00:55:42,305 --> 00:55:44,170 Father, please forgive me. 1149 00:55:44,240 --> 00:55:45,798 I have done my best. 1150 00:55:45,875 --> 00:55:48,776 This challenge was just too much. 1151 00:55:48,845 --> 00:55:51,939 I fear this battle is lost. 1152 00:55:54,084 --> 00:55:56,609 Oh, so now you're telling God? 1153 00:55:57,987 --> 00:55:59,477 Not that father. 1154 00:56:00,623 --> 00:56:03,683 You know, JFK was right. You are hopeless. 1155 00:56:04,728 --> 00:56:06,525 [Slap] 1156 00:56:09,332 --> 00:56:12,301 What?! Oh, George Washington. 1157 00:56:12,369 --> 00:56:16,066 Been dead for 200 years, not that that matters anymore. 1158 00:56:16,139 --> 00:56:19,006 It does matter, citizen Malone. 1159 00:56:19,075 --> 00:56:23,034 Nice costume. You here for the Halloween parade? 1160 00:56:24,814 --> 00:56:27,214 I'm here to talk to you about freedom. 1161 00:56:27,283 --> 00:56:30,684 - The greatest gift man has. - Freedom? 1162 00:56:30,754 --> 00:56:33,655 Very precarious gift, easily misused. 1163 00:56:33,723 --> 00:56:37,352 And when it is misused, easily lost. 1164 00:56:38,828 --> 00:56:41,092 Like freedom from pompous spirits. 1165 00:56:41,164 --> 00:56:43,598 Like freedom of speech, which you abuse. 1166 00:56:43,666 --> 00:56:45,065 Like freedom of religion. 1167 00:56:45,135 --> 00:56:48,434 This is St. Paul's Chapel, where I worshipped every Sunday... 1168 00:56:48,505 --> 00:56:51,406 - [yawning] ...when New York was the capital. 1169 00:56:52,075 --> 00:56:55,044 I sat right here on the morning of my inaugural 1170 00:56:55,111 --> 00:56:57,511 to pray for guidance in leading this nation. 1171 00:56:59,582 --> 00:57:02,881 If this place is so important, why don't they clean it? 1172 00:57:04,287 --> 00:57:07,085 - [Malone] It's full of... - Dust. 1173 00:57:09,325 --> 00:57:10,815 From across the street. 1174 00:57:14,130 --> 00:57:15,461 [Church bell tolling] 1175 00:57:15,532 --> 00:57:16,794 Oh, my God. 1176 00:57:16,866 --> 00:57:19,130 It was the World Trade Center, 1177 00:57:19,202 --> 00:57:23,366 and this is the dust of 3,000 innocent human beings 1178 00:57:23,440 --> 00:57:26,739 and the great heroes who perished trying to save them. 1179 00:57:26,810 --> 00:57:28,072 Why'd you bring me here? 1180 00:57:28,144 --> 00:57:29,805 I'm not responsible for this. 1181 00:57:29,879 --> 00:57:31,574 It was our foreign policy. 1182 00:57:31,648 --> 00:57:33,707 It's our military bases overseas. 1183 00:57:33,783 --> 00:57:36,013 It's globalization. It's the CIA! 1184 00:57:36,085 --> 00:57:38,485 Is that what you're gonna say on judgment day? 1185 00:57:38,555 --> 00:57:41,649 Well, I've already been judged, and I won an Oscar. 1186 00:57:41,724 --> 00:57:44,158 For a documentary. 1187 00:57:46,729 --> 00:57:51,792 When you meet the Almighty, Michael, I'm afraid that won't do. 1188 00:57:53,336 --> 00:57:56,999 Only the truth will do. 1189 00:57:57,073 --> 00:57:58,267 I gotta get out of here. 1190 00:57:59,809 --> 00:58:01,470 - [Clang] - Ooh! 1191 00:58:01,544 --> 00:58:03,375 Ow! 1192 00:58:03,446 --> 00:58:04,435 Ooh! 1193 00:58:04,514 --> 00:58:06,812 - [Clanging] - [Grunting] 1194 00:58:13,122 --> 00:58:15,090 No! No! 1195 00:58:15,158 --> 00:58:17,092 No! No! 1196 00:58:19,829 --> 00:58:20,818 Aah! 1197 00:58:20,897 --> 00:58:23,491 Don't hurt me! I've always stood up for gay rights. 1198 00:58:25,301 --> 00:58:27,929 I'm the Angel of freakin' Death, you turdhead. 1199 00:58:28,004 --> 00:58:32,600 Boy, you do not wanna mess with the Angel of Death. 1200 00:58:32,675 --> 00:58:36,372 Listen, punk, there are consequences for what you do. 1201 00:58:36,446 --> 00:58:38,004 Let's go. 1202 00:58:38,982 --> 00:58:40,711 Oh, good, another field trip. 1203 00:58:40,783 --> 00:58:44,184 Can we go someplace cool this time, like Paris or Hollywood? 1204 00:58:44,254 --> 00:58:45,846 Now, that's a good idea. 1205 00:58:45,922 --> 00:58:47,651 [Arabic music playing] 1206 00:58:47,724 --> 00:58:50,124 What's goin' on here? Where are we? 1207 00:58:50,193 --> 00:58:54,391 Hollywood, just like you wanted, only now it's called Bin Laden City. 1208 00:58:54,464 --> 00:58:55,692 Oh, my God. 1209 00:58:55,765 --> 00:58:58,199 They kept the buildings. Just changed the signs. 1210 00:58:58,268 --> 00:59:00,828 [Malone] Oh, no! This isn't happening! 1211 00:59:00,904 --> 00:59:03,464 We lost the war on terror. Nice work. 1212 00:59:03,540 --> 00:59:06,168 Great bunch of movies you made for the other side. 1213 00:59:07,243 --> 00:59:08,972 Oh, shit. 1214 00:59:09,045 --> 00:59:11,707 Yeah. Terrorists really appreciated your work. 1215 00:59:11,781 --> 00:59:16,275 Oh! Take me home. 1216 00:59:16,352 --> 00:59:17,876 My real home. 1217 00:59:17,954 --> 00:59:20,889 That's where we're goin'. Back to Michigan. 1218 00:59:22,926 --> 00:59:25,520 [Siren] 1219 00:59:25,595 --> 00:59:26,687 Ah, home. 1220 00:59:26,763 --> 00:59:28,025 [Distant gunfire] 1221 00:59:28,097 --> 00:59:29,155 Detroit! 1222 00:59:33,970 --> 00:59:35,528 [Man] This is all that's left? 1223 00:59:35,605 --> 00:59:38,768 Not much to work with, but if we put our heads together... 1224 00:59:38,841 --> 00:59:41,275 We'll never be able to identify this victim. 1225 00:59:41,344 --> 00:59:42,606 Why even bother? 1226 00:59:42,679 --> 00:59:44,112 I mean, it's one of 100,000. 1227 00:59:44,180 --> 00:59:46,740 What happened here? 100,000 people dead? 1228 00:59:46,816 --> 00:59:47,840 Listen. 1229 00:59:47,917 --> 00:59:51,353 The strange thing is the blast only killed a few hundred. 1230 00:59:51,421 --> 00:59:52,888 Radiation got the rest. 1231 00:59:52,956 --> 00:59:56,153 Nuclear attack on Detroit? 1232 00:59:56,225 --> 00:59:57,522 Oh, my God. 1233 00:59:57,594 --> 01:00:01,257 We found this in the wreckage of a television interview show. 1234 01:00:01,331 --> 01:00:02,923 Some big-ass celebrity. 1235 01:00:02,999 --> 01:00:04,626 [Woman] You got that right. 1236 01:00:04,701 --> 01:00:06,532 This was near it. 1237 01:00:08,738 --> 01:00:10,933 Hey, that's Michael Malone's cap. 1238 01:00:11,007 --> 01:00:12,599 That explains the fat ass. 1239 01:00:12,675 --> 01:00:13,699 Check this out. 1240 01:00:13,776 --> 01:00:16,301 There is no terrorist threat. 1241 01:00:16,379 --> 01:00:17,607 [Laughter] 1242 01:00:17,680 --> 01:00:19,614 Uh, yeah, yeah. I just forgot to sign 1243 01:00:19,682 --> 01:00:21,912 the please don't shoot my ass off agreement. 1244 01:00:21,985 --> 01:00:24,283 [Laughter] 1245 01:00:24,354 --> 01:00:26,413 Do I look more like Michael Malone now? 1246 01:00:26,489 --> 01:00:28,320 Hey, spank my know-it-all ass. 1247 01:00:30,960 --> 01:00:32,188 [Man 2] I know! 1248 01:00:32,261 --> 01:00:35,458 Least everyone will be happy now that I've been nuked! 1249 01:00:35,531 --> 01:00:37,089 [All laugh] 1250 01:00:37,500 --> 01:00:39,764 Don't let me die! And all those people! 1251 01:00:39,836 --> 01:00:41,997 I don't wanna die! Please, I don't wanna die! 1252 01:00:42,071 --> 01:00:44,039 [All] � Yankee doodle went to town 1253 01:00:44,107 --> 01:00:45,597 � Riding on a big ass 1254 01:00:45,675 --> 01:00:48,269 I don't wanna die! Please! I don't wanna die! 1255 01:00:48,344 --> 01:00:49,971 Please! I don't wanna die. 1256 01:00:50,046 --> 01:00:51,843 I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die. 1257 01:00:51,914 --> 01:00:51,981 [Crying] I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die. 1258 01:00:51,981 --> 01:00:55,144 [Crying] I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die. 1259 01:00:57,854 --> 01:00:59,754 I didn't die. I'm alive! 1260 01:00:59,822 --> 01:01:01,517 I'm here at Madison Square Garden 1261 01:01:01,591 --> 01:01:05,254 where Moovealong. Org is holding their Anti-Fourth-of-July rally. 1262 01:01:05,328 --> 01:01:06,920 I didn't miss it! 1263 01:01:06,996 --> 01:01:08,861 It wasn't a nightmare! 1264 01:01:08,931 --> 01:01:11,798 Except for that creepy George Washington guy. 1265 01:01:11,868 --> 01:01:13,665 It's a beautiful day! 1266 01:01:13,736 --> 01:01:16,637 They're all waiting for their leader, Michael Malone. 1267 01:01:18,374 --> 01:01:20,706 That's right, Michael Malone. 1268 01:01:20,777 --> 01:01:22,176 I'm so f... 1269 01:01:22,245 --> 01:01:24,008 [knock on door] 1270 01:01:26,983 --> 01:01:28,348 Time to go. 1271 01:01:28,418 --> 01:01:29,908 I can't. I'm... sick. 1272 01:01:29,986 --> 01:01:31,783 Oh. You look terrible. 1273 01:01:31,854 --> 01:01:33,515 But you always look terrible. 1274 01:01:33,589 --> 01:01:36,456 Now come on. Millions of people are counting on you. 1275 01:01:36,526 --> 01:01:38,517 [Chanting] We love Michael Malone! 1276 01:01:38,594 --> 01:01:39,788 We love Michael Malone! 1277 01:01:39,862 --> 01:01:41,420 You gotta do the right thing. 1278 01:01:43,032 --> 01:01:44,761 Huh? 1279 01:01:44,834 --> 01:01:48,031 [Protesters] We don't care how! Leave now! We don't care how! 1280 01:01:48,104 --> 01:01:50,004 Leave now! We don't care how! 1281 01:01:50,073 --> 01:01:52,166 [Chant continues] 1282 01:01:58,581 --> 01:01:59,980 [Ahmed] Director Akbar! 1283 01:02:01,250 --> 01:02:04,481 Director Akbar, our all-access media passes, 1284 01:02:04,554 --> 01:02:05,987 you have them? 1285 01:02:06,055 --> 01:02:08,421 Oh, yeah, uh, enjoy the, uh, demonstration. 1286 01:02:08,491 --> 01:02:10,721 - Thank you. - Mr. Malone, Mr. Malone! 1287 01:02:10,793 --> 01:02:12,556 What is your message to the troops 1288 01:02:12,628 --> 01:02:14,994 who have come for the Fourth of July concert? 1289 01:02:15,064 --> 01:02:16,827 Uh... uh... uh... 1290 01:02:16,899 --> 01:02:18,366 [Heather] Give me that! 1291 01:02:18,434 --> 01:02:21,835 We're not gonna celebrate a country that sends soldiers to fight. 1292 01:02:21,904 --> 01:02:25,305 That's what Michael is here to say. Come on. Everyone's waiting. 1293 01:02:25,374 --> 01:02:27,467 Introduce Jimmy Carter and make a speech. 1294 01:02:27,543 --> 01:02:30,876 - [Chanting] Bring troops home! - Michael Malone will be here soon! 1295 01:02:30,947 --> 01:02:33,313 Feel free to just wander on up here. 1296 01:02:33,382 --> 01:02:35,646 And here's former President Jimmy Carter! 1297 01:02:35,718 --> 01:02:37,481 Israel is an apartheid state. 1298 01:02:37,553 --> 01:02:40,886 Uh, high taxes are good for you. 1299 01:02:40,957 --> 01:02:43,721 [Woman] And after him, Michael Malone is gonna be here! 1300 01:02:43,793 --> 01:02:45,727 Uh, I gotta go to the bathroom. 1301 01:02:53,202 --> 01:02:54,999 Aah! 1302 01:02:55,071 --> 01:02:57,904 What am I gonna do? They're gonna kill me! 1303 01:02:57,974 --> 01:02:59,407 - [Slap] - Aah! 1304 01:02:59,475 --> 01:03:01,773 You spineless bastard, act like a man. 1305 01:03:01,844 --> 01:03:04,369 Why'd you do that? I was gonna do something. 1306 01:03:04,447 --> 01:03:06,779 I just don't know what. Aah! 1307 01:03:06,849 --> 01:03:10,341 You can't sit here on the sidelines. It's time to take action. 1308 01:03:10,419 --> 01:03:12,785 I'm considering getting another hero. 1309 01:03:12,855 --> 01:03:13,879 Aah! 1310 01:03:13,956 --> 01:03:17,653 [Malone] Hey! What are you doin' here? You're not a spirit. 1311 01:03:17,727 --> 01:03:20,355 I know. I just enjoy slapping you. 1312 01:03:20,429 --> 01:03:21,919 - Aah! - Listen to yourself! 1313 01:03:21,998 --> 01:03:25,695 The time has come to forget about the consequences and show courage! 1314 01:03:25,768 --> 01:03:27,292 You know what courage is? 1315 01:03:27,370 --> 01:03:29,736 You mean, like the lion in The Wizard Of Oz? 1316 01:03:30,640 --> 01:03:32,574 I had a more heroic reference in mind, 1317 01:03:32,642 --> 01:03:35,167 but if The Wizard Of Oz works for you, well, OK. 1318 01:03:35,244 --> 01:03:39,237 You know, is it possible for me to get a little privacy in here? 1319 01:03:39,315 --> 01:03:42,011 We are facing the greatest evil since Nazism. 1320 01:03:42,084 --> 01:03:44,245 [Patton] What are you talking about? 1321 01:03:44,320 --> 01:03:47,187 To assure there will be no more war, I've taken the liberty 1322 01:03:47,256 --> 01:03:51,955 of arranging a formal surrender ceremony on the U.S.S. Missouri. 1323 01:04:04,340 --> 01:04:06,865 OK, stop! I'll do it. 1324 01:04:09,478 --> 01:04:10,945 Thank you, thank you. 1325 01:04:11,013 --> 01:04:14,141 [Carter] Oh, look, here he is now, 1326 01:04:14,217 --> 01:04:16,117 a true heavyweight of the movement, 1327 01:04:16,185 --> 01:04:18,915 our brother, Michael Malone! 1328 01:04:18,988 --> 01:04:21,388 Ah... whoo. 1329 01:04:21,457 --> 01:04:23,755 Ah, thank you. Thank you. 1330 01:04:23,826 --> 01:04:26,021 Uh, I know what you all think is important. 1331 01:04:27,630 --> 01:04:29,757 Government-run health care. 1332 01:04:30,766 --> 01:04:32,165 Global warming. 1333 01:04:33,769 --> 01:04:35,999 No handguns allowed in your home. 1334 01:04:38,307 --> 01:04:40,935 And these things are all vital. 1335 01:04:43,346 --> 01:04:46,577 But they all come second to the most important thing of all. 1336 01:04:46,649 --> 01:04:48,583 We're in a real war, people. 1337 01:04:48,651 --> 01:04:50,642 These terrorists want to kill us all, 1338 01:04:50,720 --> 01:04:53,086 and you're acting like it's September 10th. 1339 01:04:56,926 --> 01:04:58,120 Traitor! 1340 01:04:58,194 --> 01:04:59,661 [Crowd booing] 1341 01:05:07,470 --> 01:05:08,903 Where'd you get that?! 1342 01:05:08,971 --> 01:05:10,700 Aah! 1343 01:05:14,377 --> 01:05:15,742 Aah! 1344 01:05:15,811 --> 01:05:20,180 Hang on a second! Thanks, guys. Aah! 1345 01:05:20,249 --> 01:05:23,582 Oh, please! I don't blame you for wantin' to water-board me 1346 01:05:23,653 --> 01:05:25,712 in a secret CIA prison, but I've changed! 1347 01:05:25,788 --> 01:05:29,053 - We're trying to protect you. - Well, thank you for bein' here. 1348 01:05:29,125 --> 01:05:32,458 Don't thank us. Thank the recruiter that came to our campus. 1349 01:05:32,528 --> 01:05:34,519 What? You guys went to college? 1350 01:05:35,865 --> 01:05:41,701 [Announcer] And now, folks, give a big New York City welcome to... 1351 01:05:41,771 --> 01:05:43,762 ... Whiskey Falls! 1352 01:05:43,839 --> 01:05:46,034 [Fireworks exploding] 1353 01:05:46,108 --> 01:05:48,599 [� Whiskey Falls: Hellbilly] 1354 01:05:48,678 --> 01:05:49,975 Poor Aziz. 1355 01:05:50,046 --> 01:05:52,810 He was supposed to wait to detonate his bombs. 1356 01:05:52,882 --> 01:05:54,213 What a wanker. 1357 01:05:54,283 --> 01:05:56,751 Hey, let's get hot dogs and go see the show. 1358 01:05:58,854 --> 01:06:01,152 After we blow ourselves up. 1359 01:06:01,223 --> 01:06:04,659 After the bombs go off, I will personally kill you. 1360 01:06:04,727 --> 01:06:07,093 I can live with that. 1361 01:06:07,163 --> 01:06:09,154 [Song continues] 1362 01:06:16,172 --> 01:06:18,231 Hey! Hey, it's that Michael Malone! 1363 01:06:18,307 --> 01:06:19,831 Oh, hey! 1364 01:06:19,909 --> 01:06:22,309 This is for people who support our troops. 1365 01:06:22,378 --> 01:06:25,245 You hate country music. What are you doin' here? 1366 01:06:25,314 --> 01:06:26,713 I had no choice. 1367 01:06:26,782 --> 01:06:29,478 I was about to be beaten by peace marchers! 1368 01:06:30,820 --> 01:06:33,721 [Announcer] And now, on the birthday of our nation, 1369 01:06:33,789 --> 01:06:35,450 we're proud to introduce a man 1370 01:06:35,524 --> 01:06:38,550 who has entertained troops all over the world. 1371 01:06:38,627 --> 01:06:43,564 Please welcome country music superstar Trace Adkins! 1372 01:06:43,632 --> 01:06:45,190 [Cheering and applause] 1373 01:06:46,335 --> 01:06:48,565 The Angel of Death is headlining? 1374 01:06:48,637 --> 01:06:50,366 Hello, New York City! 1375 01:06:50,439 --> 01:06:52,532 [Ahmed and Mohammed] Director Akbar! 1376 01:06:52,608 --> 01:06:54,576 Director Akbar! Back here! 1377 01:06:54,643 --> 01:06:56,634 Shh! I'm gonna get killed. 1378 01:06:56,712 --> 01:06:58,077 I know. We all are. 1379 01:06:58,147 --> 01:07:01,674 We have to tell you something. Aziz is not an actor. 1380 01:07:01,751 --> 01:07:04,117 - He's not? - He's something else. 1381 01:07:04,186 --> 01:07:05,483 Think back. 1382 01:07:08,657 --> 01:07:11,558 You look like a terrorist. [Laughing] 1383 01:07:12,795 --> 01:07:15,127 You are going to blow up Madison Square Garden? 1384 01:07:15,197 --> 01:07:17,825 - [The Chicken Dance playing] - Bawk, bawk, bawk! 1385 01:07:17,900 --> 01:07:18,889 Bawk, bawk, bawk! 1386 01:07:21,337 --> 01:07:22,395 Bawk, bawk, bawk! 1387 01:07:22,905 --> 01:07:27,171 Wait! So you're saying he's a terrorist? 1388 01:07:28,611 --> 01:07:31,444 - And that would make you... - [both] Filmmakers. 1389 01:07:31,514 --> 01:07:32,811 Right! 1390 01:07:32,882 --> 01:07:36,045 The "film" is set to go off at 7:00. 1391 01:07:42,324 --> 01:07:43,552 We have to stop him. 1392 01:07:43,626 --> 01:07:45,651 We'll never find him in this crowd. 1393 01:07:46,796 --> 01:07:50,823 There's only one place I can see everything. The stage. 1394 01:07:50,900 --> 01:07:51,992 They hate you. 1395 01:07:52,068 --> 01:07:54,036 They hated Stalin, too. 1396 01:07:54,103 --> 01:07:55,832 Look for him out in the house. 1397 01:07:55,905 --> 01:07:58,135 - Stalin? - The mentor of Oprah. 1398 01:07:58,207 --> 01:08:00,076 [Adkins] I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. 1399 01:08:00,509 --> 01:08:02,875 So come on, let's not waste any more time. 1400 01:08:02,945 --> 01:08:04,003 Let me hear you. 1401 01:08:04,080 --> 01:08:06,207 [Man] Hey, Malone, get off the stage! 1402 01:08:06,282 --> 01:08:09,513 - [Booing] - [Man 2] Get off the stage! 1403 01:08:09,585 --> 01:08:12,179 - [Man 3] What's he doin' here! - Well, uh... 1404 01:08:12,254 --> 01:08:15,417 - [man] What are you doin' here?! - [Malone] Damn it, where is he? 1405 01:08:15,491 --> 01:08:18,949 Uh, you probably all hate me, and I don't blame you. 1406 01:08:19,028 --> 01:08:20,620 I said a lot of bad things. 1407 01:08:20,696 --> 01:08:23,927 Uh, over the last few days, I learned a lot of lessons. 1408 01:08:23,999 --> 01:08:26,934 And now I know that terrorism is not our fault! 1409 01:08:27,002 --> 01:08:28,333 [Crowd cheering] 1410 01:08:28,404 --> 01:08:30,736 [Malone] He's got to be out there somewhere. 1411 01:08:30,806 --> 01:08:35,539 And that, uh, we may not be perfect, but we're the good guys! 1412 01:08:35,611 --> 01:08:36,669 [Crowd] Yeah! 1413 01:08:36,745 --> 01:08:40,681 I'm sorry about what I said about country music, NASCAR, and Americans. 1414 01:08:40,749 --> 01:08:43,650 - If you want to listen to dumb songs - [crowd booing] 1415 01:08:43,719 --> 01:08:45,380 About cowboys and trucks 1416 01:08:45,454 --> 01:08:48,048 and watch cars endlessly go around in circles. 1417 01:08:48,124 --> 01:08:50,888 Hey, what... Hey, this is the United States of America! 1418 01:08:50,960 --> 01:08:53,155 We're free to do what we want! 1419 01:08:53,229 --> 01:08:56,687 So if those of you who agree with me 1420 01:08:56,765 --> 01:08:59,529 that America should be destroyed, stand up now! 1421 01:09:01,470 --> 01:09:04,530 Yes! Die, you American pigs! 1422 01:09:04,607 --> 01:09:06,006 [Crowd] What?! 1423 01:09:06,075 --> 01:09:08,236 There he is! The terrorist! Get him! 1424 01:09:10,579 --> 01:09:12,137 We'll get him, director Akbar! 1425 01:09:14,150 --> 01:09:15,879 [Malone] Get him! Get him! 1426 01:09:26,195 --> 01:09:28,686 - Aziz, don't do it! - Allahu Akbar. 1427 01:09:28,764 --> 01:09:29,822 - Wait! - Wait! 1428 01:09:29,899 --> 01:09:32,026 [Timer beeping] 1429 01:09:32,101 --> 01:09:33,090 - Oh! - Oh! 1430 01:09:33,169 --> 01:09:35,137 OK, now we must disarm the bomb. 1431 01:09:35,204 --> 01:09:37,434 Then it's a good thing we're alert. 1432 01:09:40,276 --> 01:09:42,836 - The red one! - Which one's red? I'm color blind. 1433 01:09:42,912 --> 01:09:44,402 [Ahmed] We don't have time. 1434 01:09:44,480 --> 01:09:47,040 [Mohammed] I've never done this in a restroom. 1435 01:09:47,116 --> 01:09:50,279 Don't worry about it. Just relax and pull it gently. 1436 01:09:50,352 --> 01:09:51,478 - Like that? - Ooh! 1437 01:09:51,554 --> 01:09:52,578 Ooh! 1438 01:09:52,655 --> 01:09:53,815 Sailors. 1439 01:09:57,092 --> 01:10:00,289 [Mohammed] Not that one! Don't pull that one! 1440 01:10:00,362 --> 01:10:02,660 [Ahmed] Push harder! Put it in here. 1441 01:10:02,731 --> 01:10:03,755 Oh! 1442 01:10:03,832 --> 01:10:05,595 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! He's waking up! 1443 01:10:05,668 --> 01:10:07,033 Do something! 1444 01:10:08,204 --> 01:10:09,228 - Huh? - Look! 1445 01:10:09,305 --> 01:10:10,897 Aah ha ha ha! 1446 01:10:10,973 --> 01:10:14,204 - [Ahmed] That was amazing. - [Mohammed] You're incredible. 1447 01:10:14,276 --> 01:10:15,300 Marines. 1448 01:10:28,324 --> 01:10:30,485 [Ahmed] Director Akbar! Director Akbar! 1449 01:10:30,559 --> 01:10:32,857 - Look! Look! - [Timer resumes beeping] 1450 01:10:32,928 --> 01:10:34,293 - Ooh! - [Timer stops] 1451 01:10:34,363 --> 01:10:36,593 [Crowd cheering] 1452 01:10:39,101 --> 01:10:41,069 Got anything else to say, son? 1453 01:10:41,203 --> 01:10:45,264 Yeah! How about you rednecks Play some of that awful country music! 1454 01:10:45,341 --> 01:10:47,935 [Band playing] 1455 01:10:49,678 --> 01:10:51,669 Welcome to the real America. 1456 01:10:53,015 --> 01:10:55,882 You know, you look much slimmer in person. 1457 01:10:58,988 --> 01:11:02,480 � This is the greatest country in the whole wide world 1458 01:11:02,558 --> 01:11:05,527 � The fastest horses The prettiest girls 1459 01:11:05,594 --> 01:11:08,961 � We got the Army, the Navy, Air Force, and Marines 1460 01:11:09,031 --> 01:11:12,057 � The finest fightin' force the world's ever seen 1461 01:11:12,134 --> 01:11:15,399 � We're the kind of people that get things done 1462 01:11:15,471 --> 01:11:17,166 � No doubt about it, folks 1463 01:11:17,239 --> 01:11:18,831 � We're still number one 1464 01:11:18,907 --> 01:11:19,931 � We got the nerve 1465 01:11:20,009 --> 01:11:20,998 � We got the nerve 1466 01:11:21,076 --> 01:11:22,065 � We got the will 1467 01:11:22,144 --> 01:11:23,133 � We got the will 1468 01:11:23,212 --> 01:11:24,236 � We are all together 1469 01:11:24,313 --> 01:11:28,181 � And you know that we are still America 1470 01:11:28,250 --> 01:11:31,879 � Yeah, I know the sun is risin' on a better day 1471 01:11:31,954 --> 01:11:33,444 � America, America 1472 01:11:33,522 --> 01:11:36,719 [music fades to fifes playing] 1473 01:11:45,467 --> 01:11:47,697 � America, America 1474 01:11:47,770 --> 01:11:52,673 � Yeah, I believe in you 1475 01:11:52,741 --> 01:11:55,710 New York City! 1476 01:11:55,778 --> 01:11:56,904 Whoo! 1477 01:11:56,979 --> 01:11:58,037 There is mosh pit? 1478 01:11:58,113 --> 01:12:00,013 Not in country music. 1479 01:12:00,082 --> 01:12:01,447 Aah! Oh! 1480 01:12:02,451 --> 01:12:04,419 Oh! 1481 01:12:04,486 --> 01:12:07,387 � America, America 1482 01:12:07,456 --> 01:12:10,050 � Ooh, ooh... � 1483 01:12:10,125 --> 01:12:11,285 Josh. 1484 01:12:27,876 --> 01:12:28,968 Josh! Josh! 1485 01:12:29,044 --> 01:12:30,272 Huh? 1486 01:12:32,348 --> 01:12:33,474 Josh, Josh! 1487 01:12:35,084 --> 01:12:36,278 Josh, Josh! 1488 01:12:36,352 --> 01:12:37,376 Carry on. 1489 01:12:37,453 --> 01:12:39,717 [Timmy] Daddy, look who's here. 1490 01:12:39,788 --> 01:12:42,780 - Uncle Asshole! - Josh! 1491 01:12:42,858 --> 01:12:44,223 Josh! 1492 01:12:52,801 --> 01:12:55,793 Can you forgive your stupid uncle for being too blind to see 1493 01:12:55,871 --> 01:12:58,362 what's been right in front of him this whole time? 1494 01:12:58,440 --> 01:13:00,533 Oh, nice! Blind jokes! 1495 01:13:00,609 --> 01:13:03,100 Uncle Michael, it's OK. 1496 01:13:03,178 --> 01:13:06,875 Well, I just want you to know that I care about you, and... 1497 01:13:06,949 --> 01:13:08,610 ...l'm proud of what you're doin'. 1498 01:13:08,684 --> 01:13:13,587 I always knew that, Uncle Michael. I always knew it. 1499 01:13:14,623 --> 01:13:16,614 Well, now you take care of yourself, 1500 01:13:16,692 --> 01:13:19,627 'cause there's a lot of bad people out there. 1501 01:13:19,695 --> 01:13:23,791 It's OK. As long as there's a lot of good people here. 1502 01:13:26,268 --> 01:13:28,168 If there's anything I can do... 1503 01:13:29,238 --> 01:13:31,206 Maybe I can send some DVDs of my movies. 1504 01:13:31,273 --> 01:13:32,638 That's all right. 1505 01:13:32,708 --> 01:13:35,677 We captured a lot of them when we took Saddam's palace. 1506 01:13:36,945 --> 01:13:39,709 Besides, I think most of the guys prefer features. 1507 01:13:41,350 --> 01:13:43,318 But I'd really appreciate it 1508 01:13:43,385 --> 01:13:46,445 if you could check in on Lily and the kids while I'm gone. 1509 01:13:46,522 --> 01:13:48,353 Yeah, I will. No problem. 1510 01:13:49,825 --> 01:13:51,554 You've made Josh so happy. 1511 01:13:51,627 --> 01:13:54,027 - Thanks, Jilly. - Lily. 1512 01:13:57,332 --> 01:13:59,266 Welcome to the fight, Uncle Michael. 1513 01:13:59,334 --> 01:14:01,302 This time I know our side will win. 1514 01:14:34,002 --> 01:14:35,970 - Ow! - Ow! 1515 01:14:36,038 --> 01:14:38,836 Aah! 1516 01:14:38,907 --> 01:14:39,965 Aah! 1517 01:14:40,042 --> 01:14:41,031 Aah! 1518 01:14:41,109 --> 01:14:42,440 [Muffled screams] 1519 01:14:42,511 --> 01:14:44,274 Ow! 1520 01:14:44,346 --> 01:14:46,439 - [Boy] Help! - [Gasps] 1521 01:14:46,515 --> 01:14:48,176 Aah! 1522 01:14:48,250 --> 01:14:50,115 Aah! 1523 01:14:50,185 --> 01:14:51,209 Don't worry, Josh! 1524 01:14:51,286 --> 01:14:53,481 - [Screams] - I'll take care of the family! 1525 01:15:02,331 --> 01:15:03,764 Thought I'd find you here. 1526 01:15:05,234 --> 01:15:09,193 He's a good kid. Persian Gulf, volunteered. 1527 01:15:09,271 --> 01:15:12,104 I feel so useless. What can I do? 1528 01:15:12,174 --> 01:15:13,903 Well, you could start by being 1529 01:15:13,976 --> 01:15:17,104 as big a pain in the ass to the terrorists as you've been to us. 1530 01:15:17,179 --> 01:15:19,943 Like makin' a movie of the good things about America. 1531 01:15:20,015 --> 01:15:22,142 In Hollywood? Fat chance. 1532 01:15:22,217 --> 01:15:23,809 Sorry for bein' such a jerk. 1533 01:15:23,886 --> 01:15:26,013 Sorry I made you listen to country music. 1534 01:15:26,088 --> 01:15:27,112 Ah, forget it. 1535 01:15:27,189 --> 01:15:28,816 Hey, you want to grab a sandwich? 1536 01:15:28,891 --> 01:15:31,655 I'd love to. Used to get a good pastrami in Manhattan. 1537 01:15:31,727 --> 01:15:35,128 Before you got t-boned by that car. It was a spinal injury, right? 1538 01:15:35,197 --> 01:15:37,597 [Patton] Tough day. Didn't see that comin'. 1539 01:15:37,666 --> 01:15:40,294 [Malone] What do you think about stem cell research? 1540 01:15:40,369 --> 01:15:43,202 [Patton] Let's not go there. A broken neck is a broken neck... 1541 01:15:43,272 --> 01:15:46,298 [Grandpa] From then on, he always remembered to celebrate 1542 01:15:46,375 --> 01:15:47,842 the Fourth of July, 1543 01:15:47,910 --> 01:15:50,344 and he did what he could to help out the soldiers. 1544 01:15:50,412 --> 01:15:52,778 But most important, he devoted himself 1545 01:15:52,848 --> 01:15:55,112 to spreading a message of his hero. 1546 01:15:55,817 --> 01:15:56,051 My fellow Americans, 1547 01:15:56,051 --> 01:15:57,348 My fellow Americans, 1548 01:15:57,419 --> 01:16:00,513 ask not what your country can do for you, 1549 01:16:00,589 --> 01:16:04,286 but rather, ask, uh... Uh... line! 1550 01:16:04,359 --> 01:16:07,385 You know, I don't think JFK would say this like that. 1551 01:16:07,462 --> 01:16:11,193 - It's become such a... - "What you can do for your country!" 1552 01:16:11,266 --> 01:16:14,758 Oh, cut! What are we gonna do? 1553 01:16:14,836 --> 01:16:17,430 Fire his ass. 1554 01:16:17,506 --> 01:16:19,167 That's my boy. 1555 01:16:19,241 --> 01:16:20,572 God bless us, everyone. 1556 01:16:20,642 --> 01:16:22,940 [Malone and Timmy] And God bless America! 1557 01:16:23,011 --> 01:16:26,174 [Grandpa] And it turned out people actually wanted to see movies 1558 01:16:26,248 --> 01:16:28,341 that showed good things about America. 1559 01:16:28,417 --> 01:16:31,045 - [girl] Grandpa! - Oh, Grandpa, come on. 1560 01:16:31,119 --> 01:16:34,611 Hey. It's just a story. 1561 01:16:35,757 --> 01:16:37,486 [Kennedy] My fellow Americans, 1562 01:16:37,559 --> 01:16:39,959 ask not what your country can do for you, 1563 01:16:40,028 --> 01:16:43,259 but rather ask what you can do for your country. 1564 01:16:44,066 --> 01:16:45,499 [Malone] Cut! Print! 1565 01:16:45,567 --> 01:16:47,899 [� Trace Adkins: America I Believe In You] 1566 01:18:05,714 --> 01:18:07,705 [� Whiskey Falls: Hellbilly] 121553