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1
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20 million years ago,
an ape-like creature inhabited the Earth.
2
00:01:42,103 --> 00:01:45,940
And the ape stood, and became man.
3
00:02:53,632 --> 00:02:59,638
The greatest calamity that could befall
early man was the loss of fire.
4
00:02:59,805 --> 00:03:03,434
Fire, the mysterious phenomenon
that cooked his food,
5
00:03:03,601 --> 00:03:06,771
heated his cave, and kept him alive.
6
00:03:06,937 --> 00:03:11,734
If he could not start a fire,
he and his would surely die.
7
00:03:32,254 --> 00:03:38,552
Even in most primitive man,
the need to create was part of his nature.
8
00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:44,141
This need, this talent,
clearly separated early man from animals
9
00:03:44,308 --> 00:03:46,977
who would never know this gift.
10
00:03:50,356 --> 00:03:54,235
And here, in a cave somewhere
in the North American continent,
11
00:03:54,402 --> 00:03:56,737
about two million years ago,
12
00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:59,156
the first artist was born.
13
00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:20,177
And, of course,
with the birth of the artist,
14
00:04:20,344 --> 00:04:23,556
came the inevitable afterbirth.
15
00:04:24,473 --> 00:04:26,434
The critic.
16
00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:45,911
In the year one million BC,
17
00:04:46,078 --> 00:04:50,875
it is thought the first
Homo sapien marriage occurred.
18
00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:04,305
It was shortly followed
by the first homosexual marriage.
19
00:05:08,225 --> 00:05:13,939
One of the first weapons
man invented was the spear.
20
00:05:55,314 --> 00:06:00,361
In ancient times, man was ignorant
as to the cause and nature of death.
21
00:06:00,528 --> 00:06:05,074
So death was greeted
with a certain degree of awe.
22
00:06:09,954 --> 00:06:14,166
But because man did not have
the time for complicated rituals,
23
00:06:14,333 --> 00:06:18,087
funeral services were often brief.
24
00:06:25,970 --> 00:06:31,976
Even in early man, the need to laugh
was vital for emotional survival.
25
00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:09,346
Music began long before it was formalized
into notes and phrases.
26
00:07:09,513 --> 00:07:13,100
For mankind, it began with an accident.
27
00:07:13,267 --> 00:07:15,519
Gunga heard the sound and liked it.
28
00:07:15,686 --> 00:07:19,857
Gunga begged Gowie to repeat
the beautiful scream, but Gowie could not.
29
00:07:20,024 --> 00:07:25,362
So Gunga thought and thought,
and finally he found the answer.
30
00:07:47,051 --> 00:07:50,471
And so, music was born.
31
00:07:50,638 --> 00:07:54,058
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
32
00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:55,976
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
33
00:07:56,143 --> 00:08:01,649
Hallelujah!
34
00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:11,533
Moses went to the mountain,
and God spoke unto him.
35
00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:16,789
Moses, this is the Lord, thy God,
36
00:08:16,955 --> 00:08:21,752
commanding you to obey my law.
Do you hear me?
37
00:08:21,919 --> 00:08:26,465
Yes, I hear you. I hear you.
A deaf man could hear you.
38
00:08:26,632 --> 00:08:29,468
- What?
- Nothing. Gornisht. Forget it.
39
00:08:29,635 --> 00:08:34,473
O Lord, why have you chosen me?
What would you have me do for you?
40
00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:40,270
I shall give you my laws,
and you shall take them unto the people.
41
00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:41,689
Yes, Lord.
42
00:08:44,566 --> 00:08:45,734
Wow.
43
00:08:50,906 --> 00:08:55,953
Lord, I shall give these laws
unto thy people.
44
00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:59,248
Hear me, O hear me!
45
00:08:59,415 --> 00:09:01,208
All pay heed.
46
00:09:01,375 --> 00:09:06,839
The Lord, the Lord Jehovah,
has given unto you these fifteen...
47
00:09:10,259 --> 00:09:14,888
Ten! Ten commandments, for all to obey.
48
00:09:22,104 --> 00:09:25,899
Rome! Vortex of modern civilization.
49
00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:29,027
Rome! Fountainhead of culture.
50
00:09:29,194 --> 00:09:34,408
Rome! Blazing pronouncement
of mankind's most glorious achievements.
51
00:09:39,496 --> 00:09:42,082
All right, now. Columns! Columns!
52
00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:45,127
Columns! Columns! Get your columns here.
53
00:09:45,294 --> 00:09:47,838
Ionic, Doric, Corinthian.
54
00:09:48,005 --> 00:09:52,092
Put a few columns out in front,
turn any hovel into a showplace.
55
00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:55,179
Columns! Sir, don't touch the merchandise.
56
00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:57,181
All right, now. Columns! Columns!
57
00:09:57,347 --> 00:10:00,184
Haircut, shave, shampoo, bloodletting?
58
00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:03,270
Sooth! Soothsaying!
Get your sooth said right here.
59
00:10:03,437 --> 00:10:05,272
I can tell the future.
60
00:10:05,439 --> 00:10:08,400
You, sir!
For a wee fee of two drachmas,
61
00:10:08,567 --> 00:10:12,070
I can tell you your future.
62
00:10:13,989 --> 00:10:15,532
Yes, yes, I see... I see...
63
00:10:15,699 --> 00:10:19,369
I see that you are going on a long journey.
64
00:10:19,536 --> 00:10:20,871
Yes.
65
00:10:21,038 --> 00:10:23,582
You, sir, are going to Rome.
66
00:10:23,749 --> 00:10:27,169
- But I am in Rome.
- Do I lie?
67
00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:32,299
Sooth, sooth! We give great sooth!
68
00:10:33,008 --> 00:10:35,469
Chariots! Used chariots!
69
00:10:35,636 --> 00:10:37,513
Low mileage. They're great.
70
00:10:54,613 --> 00:10:59,910
I'm very excited about it.
It's a new concept. It's called a centerfold.
71
00:11:00,911 --> 00:11:03,330
Plumbing! Plumbing!
72
00:11:04,373 --> 00:11:08,544
Plumbing here, plumbing.
Yes, citizens, plumbing.
73
00:11:08,710 --> 00:11:11,255
It's the latest invention to hit Rome.
74
00:11:11,421 --> 00:11:14,758
It moves water from one place to another.
75
00:11:14,925 --> 00:11:17,761
It's astounding. It's amazing.
76
00:11:17,928 --> 00:11:20,055
Get on the bandwagon.
77
00:11:20,222 --> 00:11:23,100
Pipe the shit right out of your house.
78
00:11:23,267 --> 00:11:25,143
Plumbing! Plumbing here.
79
00:11:25,435 --> 00:11:28,021
Plumbing! Brand new invention!
80
00:11:36,113 --> 00:11:38,490
- Occupation?
- Gladiator.
81
00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:42,035
- Did you kill last week?
- No.
82
00:11:42,911 --> 00:11:45,998
- Did you try to kill last week?
- Yeah.
83
00:11:46,164 --> 00:11:48,375
This is your last week on insurance.
84
00:11:48,542 --> 00:11:51,962
Either you kill next week,
or we have to change your status.
85
00:11:52,129 --> 00:11:54,131
- Yeah.
- OK. Sign here.
86
00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:02,306
Next. Occupation?
87
00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:05,350
- Stand-up philosopher.
- What?
88
00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:07,561
Stand-up philosopher.
89
00:12:07,728 --> 00:12:14,151
I coalesce the vapor of human experience
into a viable and logical comprehension.
90
00:12:14,318 --> 00:12:17,279
Oh. A bullshit artist.
91
00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:21,283
Did you bullshit last week?
92
00:12:21,450 --> 00:12:22,993
No.
93
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:26,079
Did you try to bullshit last week?
94
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,664
Yes.
95
00:12:27,831 --> 00:12:30,292
Comicus! Comicus, Comicus!
96
00:12:31,877 --> 00:12:36,340
- Back in the line.
- He's not in line. He's my agent, Swiftus.
97
00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:38,967
Good news. I just got you a job.
98
00:12:39,134 --> 00:12:42,846
- Now you're working, you won't need this.
- Wait! That's mine.
99
00:12:43,013 --> 00:12:45,682
I'm sorry, I'm on my wine break.
100
00:12:50,646 --> 00:12:53,273
Dopus! I only had the money in my hand.
101
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,692
Oh, I like that. I like that.
102
00:12:55,859 --> 00:12:58,987
I go and bust my anus to get you a job
and you're angry with me?
103
00:12:59,154 --> 00:13:03,116
Boy, you are nuts. N-V-T-S, nuts.
104
00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:06,703
- OK, OK. What kind of a job is it?
- Just the best gig in all Rome.
105
00:13:06,870 --> 00:13:10,999
A date every stand-up philosopher,
including Socrates, would die for.
106
00:13:11,166 --> 00:13:16,129
Believe it or not,
you are gonna play Caesar's palace.
107
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,924
- The main room?
- The main room!
108
00:13:19,925 --> 00:13:21,218
Groovus!
109
00:13:21,385 --> 00:13:24,721
- Come on, the show starts in an hour.
- The main room!
110
00:13:24,888 --> 00:13:26,223
The main room!
111
00:13:26,390 --> 00:13:27,557
10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10...
112
00:13:27,724 --> 00:13:28,767
20, 20, 20, 20...
113
00:13:28,934 --> 00:13:29,977
30, 30, 30, 30, 30...
114
00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:32,145
40, 40, 40, 40, 40...
Do I hear 50?
115
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:36,316
- 50!
- 50! Sold to the Venetian for 50 libra.
116
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:38,819
- Oh, no. No! No!
- Come here, you.
117
00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:41,113
The slave auction is over.
118
00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:45,450
All right, take these rejects over to
the Colosseum, sell 'em for lion bait.
119
00:13:45,617 --> 00:13:49,121
- No!
- Wait a minute! Wait! Wait a minute.
120
00:13:49,287 --> 00:13:52,040
What is this with lions?
I can't go to the lions.
121
00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:54,209
I cannot go to the lions.
122
00:13:54,376 --> 00:13:57,921
Oh, no. 'Cause I happen to know
that the lions only eat Christians.
123
00:13:58,088 --> 00:14:01,258
Christians. And I am a Jew.
124
00:14:01,425 --> 00:14:04,553
Jewish person. Yes.
I can prove it. Watch. Look out.
125
00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:12,019
Everybody!
126
00:14:15,981 --> 00:14:19,735
- No! Hold it.
- Listen, I'm Jewish, I'm telling you.
127
00:14:19,901 --> 00:14:23,613
Call the temple. Call the rabbi.
Call Sammus Davis Jr.
128
00:14:23,780 --> 00:14:27,659
Call Sammus. He'll vouch for me.
He and I are tight. He knows...
129
00:14:27,826 --> 00:14:30,287
Jewish, huh?
130
00:14:30,454 --> 00:14:35,125
He missed. I jumped, and he missed. It was
his first day on the job, he was nervous.
131
00:14:35,292 --> 00:14:39,963
I got an appointment for Thursday. 11
o'clock, I go in, they give me a local, boom!
132
00:14:40,130 --> 00:14:44,259
- Get him out of here.
- You could make a lot of money with me.
133
00:14:44,426 --> 00:14:46,428
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Money?
134
00:14:46,595 --> 00:14:48,513
Come here.
135
00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:52,476
- How?
- I'm entertaining. I got special talents.
136
00:14:52,642 --> 00:14:55,771
I'll show you. Look out.
Sand. I gotta have a little sand.
137
00:14:55,937 --> 00:14:58,023
- What?
- Sand. You're standing on it.
138
00:14:58,190 --> 00:15:01,651
Sand. Give him the sand.
What the hell's the matter with you?
139
00:15:01,818 --> 00:15:04,321
- Here.
- Thank you.
140
00:15:04,488 --> 00:15:05,614
Yes.
141
00:15:05,781 --> 00:15:11,286
A little sand on the stage
for the native shim-sham sand dance.
142
00:15:11,453 --> 00:15:13,663
Look out. I'm gonna start.
143
00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:28,678
Born to do it.
144
00:15:31,890 --> 00:15:33,934
Hey, what country are you from?
145
00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:36,186
Ethiopia.
146
00:15:36,353 --> 00:15:38,396
What part?
147
00:15:39,356 --> 00:15:41,441
125th Street.
148
00:15:42,818 --> 00:15:45,028
I'm gonna sign him up.
149
00:15:45,946 --> 00:15:48,031
The big turn.
150
00:15:50,033 --> 00:15:52,869
And that's the Ethiopian shim-sham.
151
00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:55,330
He's good. He's great.
152
00:15:55,497 --> 00:15:58,875
What's wrong with you?
He's good. That guy is good.
153
00:15:59,042 --> 00:16:01,837
Hey, that kid is wonderful...
154
00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:04,548
Holy shit!
155
00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:06,883
Come on, get up.
You're costing me money.
156
00:16:10,345 --> 00:16:14,224
Please, stop it!
Can't you see the poor thing's in pain?
157
00:16:14,391 --> 00:16:16,852
Outta the way, or you'll get the same.
158
00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:18,311
No, you mustn't...
159
00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:21,439
Hey, hey, hey! What, are you crazy?
160
00:16:24,901 --> 00:16:27,904
Oh! Whoa.
161
00:16:30,699 --> 00:16:33,326
- Give it a little shot. Thanks.
- Oh, thank you.
162
00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:37,414
He was beating that poor exhausted horse.
163
00:16:37,581 --> 00:16:38,915
Oh, gee.
164
00:16:39,749 --> 00:16:43,044
Oh, he's not exhausted.
Here's the problem.
165
00:16:43,795 --> 00:16:45,839
See?
166
00:16:46,381 --> 00:16:50,093
Come on, boy.
You can get up. Come on, fella.
167
00:16:59,895 --> 00:17:02,439
Wait a minute. I know this horse.
168
00:17:02,606 --> 00:17:05,984
He used to be the fastest horse
in the Circus Maximus.
169
00:17:06,151 --> 00:17:09,070
His name is Miracle.
170
00:17:09,237 --> 00:17:12,574
Miracle? Oh, what a beautiful name.
171
00:17:13,617 --> 00:17:14,868
What's yours?
172
00:17:15,035 --> 00:17:17,287
Miracle... Comicus.
173
00:17:17,454 --> 00:17:22,500
- I'm a stand-up philosopher.
- Oh. I'm Miriam. I'm a vestal virgin.
174
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:26,004
I'm really sorry to hear that.
175
00:17:26,171 --> 00:17:28,924
- I work at the palace.
- We're gonna be there.
176
00:17:29,090 --> 00:17:30,926
- Really?
- Look out!
177
00:17:31,092 --> 00:17:33,094
Whack!
178
00:17:34,221 --> 00:17:36,223
Wow.
179
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:38,808
Put it there, pal. Man, you saved my life.
180
00:17:38,975 --> 00:17:41,519
Comicus, stand-up philosopher.
Who are you?
181
00:17:41,686 --> 00:17:44,564
I'm Josephus.
I'm the main course at the Colosseum.
182
00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:49,361
The main course... Say hello to some friends
of mine. My agent, Swiftus Lazarus.
183
00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:53,365
- You're good, man.
- And this is Miriam. She's a vestal virgin.
184
00:17:53,531 --> 00:17:55,325
- Hi.
- Hi.
185
00:17:55,492 --> 00:17:58,161
- Seize him!
- Oh, seize this, honkus.
186
00:17:58,328 --> 00:18:00,580
No, don't ever say that to the cops!
187
00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:05,877
Seize him! Do you know the punishment
for a slave who strikes a Roman citizen?
188
00:18:06,044 --> 00:18:10,173
- I do!
- OK. You. You had your hand up first.
189
00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:13,176
- Death by torture.
- No. You?
190
00:18:13,343 --> 00:18:16,179
- Crucifixion.
- Wrong. You?
191
00:18:16,346 --> 00:18:19,808
They shove a living snake up your ass.
192
00:18:19,975 --> 00:18:22,227
No, but that's very creative.
193
00:18:22,394 --> 00:18:25,188
- You?
- They send you to the lions.
194
00:18:25,355 --> 00:18:27,190
- Right.
- No!
195
00:18:27,357 --> 00:18:30,026
What? He was right.
They send you to the lions.
196
00:18:33,571 --> 00:18:37,200
The empress! It's the empress!
197
00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:40,370
Move that miserable piece of shit!
198
00:18:56,177 --> 00:18:58,096
Halt!
199
00:18:58,263 --> 00:18:59,556
Stop.
200
00:18:59,723 --> 00:19:06,479
Could you please step on
the same foot at the same time?
201
00:19:07,564 --> 00:19:09,691
My tits are falling off.
202
00:19:09,858 --> 00:19:12,694
- Empress Nympho! Empress Nympho!
- Miriam?
203
00:19:12,861 --> 00:19:13,945
What are you doing here?
204
00:19:14,112 --> 00:19:17,615
VVs are not allowed outside
the palace without an escort.
205
00:19:17,782 --> 00:19:21,244
Empress, this man saved our lives.
Now they want to kill him.
206
00:19:21,411 --> 00:19:24,831
- We need your help.
- The white guy or the colored guy?
207
00:19:24,998 --> 00:19:26,791
The color... The slave.
208
00:19:26,958 --> 00:19:30,086
Please spare his life. I beg you.
209
00:19:30,253 --> 00:19:33,882
Perhaps you can use him at the palace.
He's truly gifted.
210
00:19:34,049 --> 00:19:36,134
Gifted?
211
00:19:36,301 --> 00:19:39,095
- Bob?
- Yes, Your Highness?
212
00:19:39,262 --> 00:19:44,267
Oh, Bob, do I have any openings
that this man might fit?
213
00:19:47,604 --> 00:19:52,108
- We could use another wine steward.
- I got a great corkscrew.
214
00:19:53,109 --> 00:19:55,695
- This is a hip crowd.
- Oh, I'll say.
215
00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:58,990
All right. Well, schlep him along.
216
00:19:59,157 --> 00:20:02,452
For the time being,
we will use him as a litter bearer.
217
00:20:02,619 --> 00:20:05,789
Oh, thank you, Your Highness. Oh, good!
218
00:20:05,955 --> 00:20:07,999
Good work, good work.
219
00:20:09,042 --> 00:20:12,045
Litter bearers, prepare to move.
220
00:20:13,046 --> 00:20:15,382
Litter bearers, harch!
221
00:20:21,262 --> 00:20:23,473
- See you at the palace.
- Bye.
222
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,183
Goodbye.
223
00:20:25,350 --> 00:20:27,060
- Bye.
- Bye.
224
00:20:27,227 --> 00:20:30,397
- Come on. We gotta go.
- We really have to go. See you later.
225
00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:32,023
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
226
00:20:58,425 --> 00:21:01,886
All hail Caesar, emperor of Rome,
227
00:21:02,053 --> 00:21:05,932
monarch of the Roman Empire,
ruler of the world.
228
00:21:06,099 --> 00:21:10,061
Hail, Caesar! Hail, Caesar!
229
00:21:10,228 --> 00:21:14,232
Hail, Caesar! Hail, Caesar!
230
00:21:51,728 --> 00:21:55,398
All hail the commander
of His Majesty's Roman legions,
231
00:21:55,565 --> 00:21:59,402
the brave and noble Marcus Vindictus,
232
00:21:59,569 --> 00:22:05,825
who returns to Rome after winning
a great victory over the Cretins at Sparta.
233
00:22:07,535 --> 00:22:10,330
Make that the Spartans at Crete.
234
00:22:15,084 --> 00:22:18,922
Remember, thou art mortal.
Remember, thou art mortal.
235
00:22:19,088 --> 00:22:23,176
Remember, thou art mortal.
Remember, thou art mortal.
236
00:22:23,343 --> 00:22:25,303
Oh, blow it out your ass.
237
00:22:25,470 --> 00:22:27,847
O Caesar.
238
00:22:29,140 --> 00:22:32,936
I have brought your name
before the four corners of the Earth.
239
00:22:33,102 --> 00:22:37,106
I have subdued and conquered
the barbaric hordes in the name of Rome.
240
00:22:37,273 --> 00:22:39,359
I've penetrated into the farthest...
241
00:22:39,526 --> 00:22:41,778
What's under the sheet?
242
00:22:41,945 --> 00:22:42,946
- Sheet?
- Sheet!
243
00:22:43,112 --> 00:22:45,031
Sheet? Oh! Oh, the sheet. Yes.
244
00:22:45,198 --> 00:22:47,283
To begin with, number one,
245
00:22:47,450 --> 00:22:52,121
a beautiful hand-carved
alabaster bathing vessel.
246
00:22:53,748 --> 00:22:56,376
Nice. Nice.
247
00:22:56,543 --> 00:22:58,878
Not thrilling, but nice.
248
00:23:00,004 --> 00:23:05,885
Aha! But to fill the tub,
behind curtain number two,
249
00:23:06,052 --> 00:23:08,596
treasure from the Orient!
250
00:23:13,851 --> 00:23:16,145
Treasure. Bathtub.
251
00:23:17,146 --> 00:23:21,192
Treasure bath.
I'm going to have a treasure bath!
252
00:23:21,359 --> 00:23:23,736
Treasure bath!
253
00:23:23,903 --> 00:23:26,197
Treasure bath!
254
00:23:30,827 --> 00:23:32,954
Do it! Do it to me!
255
00:23:40,003 --> 00:23:45,300
Oh, Nympho. I would do anything, anything,
if you would only grant me your favors.
256
00:23:45,466 --> 00:23:48,344
How can I entice you?
How can I ensnare you?
257
00:23:48,511 --> 00:23:51,180
What bait must I use to catch your love?
258
00:23:51,347 --> 00:23:53,391
I am your servant.
259
00:23:55,059 --> 00:23:58,896
But the servant waits
while the master baits.
260
00:23:59,063 --> 00:24:01,357
Ye...
261
00:24:09,657 --> 00:24:11,826
Here, wash this.
262
00:24:12,702 --> 00:24:14,412
Yes, sire.
263
00:24:15,997 --> 00:24:19,584
The muse is upon me.
264
00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:22,378
Thank you, Caesar.
265
00:24:22,545 --> 00:24:24,881
All be quiet.
266
00:24:25,048 --> 00:24:29,552
His divine immortality has consented
to favor us with a new poem.
267
00:24:29,719 --> 00:24:31,679
Speak.
268
00:24:31,846 --> 00:24:34,974
O glorious Caesar. Speak.
269
00:24:35,141 --> 00:24:37,060
- You faggot.
- Yes, sire. Thank you.
270
00:24:37,226 --> 00:24:40,521
- Bring me a small lyre.
- A small lyre. Small lyre.
271
00:24:40,688 --> 00:24:42,982
I didn't do it. I wasn't even there.
272
00:24:43,149 --> 00:24:45,902
I was at a friend's house.
Check's in the mail.
273
00:24:46,069 --> 00:24:49,030
Not that kind of liar. Take him back out!
274
00:24:49,197 --> 00:24:51,157
- What?
- Take him out of here!
275
00:24:51,324 --> 00:24:53,409
Get him out. Take him out.
276
00:24:53,576 --> 00:24:56,037
Miriam, wine.
277
00:24:56,913 --> 00:24:58,956
Josephus, wine.
278
00:25:03,378 --> 00:25:05,254
Say when.
279
00:25:05,421 --> 00:25:07,507
8:30.
280
00:25:11,511 --> 00:25:15,181
It's so lonely at the top of Olympus.
281
00:25:16,933 --> 00:25:19,227
More women! More wine!
282
00:25:19,394 --> 00:25:21,437
More...
283
00:25:25,316 --> 00:25:27,902
OK, faggot. What's next?
284
00:25:28,486 --> 00:25:32,281
Comicus, the new
stand-up philosopher from Vesuvius.
285
00:25:32,448 --> 00:25:35,576
Good. I like a mountain comic.
286
00:25:35,743 --> 00:25:38,371
Comicus, you're on.
287
00:25:47,296 --> 00:25:49,006
Good evening, ladies and emperors.
288
00:25:49,173 --> 00:25:54,137
I just got back from Venice,
and boy, are my arms tired.
289
00:25:56,139 --> 00:25:58,975
Let me tell you about Venice.
Venice is a very old city.
290
00:25:59,142 --> 00:26:02,311
Wonderful, ancient city.
You can learn a lot in Venice.
291
00:26:02,478 --> 00:26:07,191
You want to know how to make
a Venetian blind? Like this.
292
00:26:09,902 --> 00:26:14,907
Have you heard about this new sect,
the Christians? They are a laugh riot.
293
00:26:15,074 --> 00:26:17,493
First of all, they are so poor...
294
00:26:17,660 --> 00:26:20,413
- How poor are they?
- Thank you.
295
00:26:20,580 --> 00:26:25,001
They are so poor
that they have only one god.
296
00:26:30,339 --> 00:26:32,675
Romans are rich.
We got a god for everything.
297
00:26:32,842 --> 00:26:36,179
Only thing we don't have a god for
is premature ejaculation.
298
00:26:36,345 --> 00:26:39,932
But I hear that that's coming quickly.
299
00:26:42,393 --> 00:26:44,520
The little fag gets it.
300
00:26:44,687 --> 00:26:45,855
Terrific, terrific.
301
00:26:46,022 --> 00:26:49,192
Let's face it, let's face it.
What's the rage today?
302
00:26:49,358 --> 00:26:52,487
Losing weight is all the rage.
Everybody in Rome
303
00:26:52,653 --> 00:26:54,864
is either in a steam room or a vomitorium.
304
00:26:55,031 --> 00:26:58,618
I mean, half of Rome
is either cooking or puking.
305
00:26:58,785 --> 00:27:00,745
"Cooking or puking"!
306
00:27:01,704 --> 00:27:06,167
But you can't blame these people. You can't
blame people for wanting to be thin.
307
00:27:06,334 --> 00:27:09,629
Who wants to look like a big fat pig?
308
00:27:12,048 --> 00:27:14,050
Did he say "big fat pig"?
309
00:27:14,217 --> 00:27:16,594
- Yes, he did, sire.
- Do you think he meant me?
310
00:27:16,761 --> 00:27:18,805
I believe he did, sire.
311
00:27:19,806 --> 00:27:23,059
Get off the fat jokes! Get off fat!
Get off fat!
312
00:27:23,226 --> 00:27:25,436
Fat, off... No...
313
00:27:26,938 --> 00:27:30,900
There's two Jews got off... No.
Syrian...
314
00:27:32,735 --> 00:27:35,905
Politics, politics, politics, politics, politics.
315
00:27:36,072 --> 00:27:38,115
Yes. The Roman Senate.
316
00:27:38,282 --> 00:27:43,579
The Roman Senate
is the best legislature that money can buy.
317
00:27:43,746 --> 00:27:47,416
It starts with the peddlers.
They bribe an assemblyman,
318
00:27:47,583 --> 00:27:49,669
who bribes a councilman,
who bribes a senator...
319
00:27:49,836 --> 00:27:53,422
It goes all the way up to the emperor!
320
00:27:54,257 --> 00:27:55,842
Shit!
321
00:27:58,761 --> 00:28:00,429
Kill him.
322
00:28:00,805 --> 00:28:04,058
Taxi? Hey, no autographs, no autographs.
323
00:28:04,225 --> 00:28:05,268
Seize him!
324
00:28:05,726 --> 00:28:06,936
Seize him!
325
00:28:08,104 --> 00:28:10,773
- More wine.
- More wine, more wine.
326
00:28:12,567 --> 00:28:18,573
Boy. When you die at the palace,
you really die at the palace.
327
00:28:23,995 --> 00:28:25,454
Whoops.
328
00:28:27,790 --> 00:28:29,917
Kill him. Kill him, too.
329
00:28:30,084 --> 00:28:32,128
Please, Empress. Save them.
330
00:28:38,050 --> 00:28:42,847
Wait. I've just had a wonderful idea.
331
00:28:43,014 --> 00:28:44,974
What was my idea?
332
00:28:45,975 --> 00:28:52,899
Oh, yes. Let these two fools fight
each other to the death during dessert.
333
00:29:01,866 --> 00:29:04,243
We who are about to...
334
00:29:05,328 --> 00:29:07,663
die, salute you.
335
00:29:09,165 --> 00:29:10,875
Salute.
336
00:29:13,669 --> 00:29:15,838
Hey, all right, all right. I'm sorry.
337
00:29:16,005 --> 00:29:18,507
I'm sorry. Excuse me.
338
00:29:18,716 --> 00:29:20,718
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
339
00:29:23,179 --> 00:29:26,098
I never killed another
human being in my life.
340
00:29:26,265 --> 00:29:29,685
But you gotta start sometime!
341
00:29:31,062 --> 00:29:32,647
Maniac.
342
00:29:32,813 --> 00:29:34,899
Wait... Watch it... Wait!
343
00:29:35,066 --> 00:29:37,526
- What?
- Isn't that Lena Horne over there?
344
00:29:45,201 --> 00:29:50,039
O Emperor, spare this poor man. He has
fought so bravely for your amusement.
345
00:29:50,706 --> 00:29:53,250
Let him...
346
00:29:55,336 --> 00:29:57,338
die.
347
00:30:00,007 --> 00:30:02,551
Tough shit.
348
00:30:13,479 --> 00:30:16,774
I can't do it.
Here, take the shield. Take the sword.
349
00:30:16,941 --> 00:30:19,318
- Come on, we'll fight our way out.
- Guards!
350
00:30:19,485 --> 00:30:21,070
Destroy them.
351
00:30:26,951 --> 00:30:29,745
You're the first white person
I even considered liking.
352
00:30:29,912 --> 00:30:30,913
Get outta here.
353
00:30:38,087 --> 00:30:39,839
Oh, the tide is turning.
354
00:30:42,800 --> 00:30:45,344
In the name of Caesar, halt!
355
00:30:45,511 --> 00:30:47,263
The rope.
356
00:30:50,933 --> 00:30:53,269
No! Goddammit, your hands are cold.
357
00:30:55,563 --> 00:31:00,109
Find them. Capture them. Kill them.
358
00:31:01,110 --> 00:31:04,697
- Wash this.
- Oh, yes, sire.
359
00:31:10,578 --> 00:31:12,204
Oh, it's you.
360
00:31:13,122 --> 00:31:14,749
This way, men.
361
00:31:49,992 --> 00:31:52,661
All right, forget that shit.
362
00:31:52,828 --> 00:31:54,330
I almost fell.
363
00:31:56,040 --> 00:31:59,418
Virgins, fall out.
364
00:32:01,962 --> 00:32:03,422
Competence.
365
00:32:04,673 --> 00:32:07,009
O Competence, tell me.
366
00:32:07,176 --> 00:32:10,679
What will happen to those two rogues
when they are caught?
367
00:32:10,846 --> 00:32:13,682
If they're captured, they're hung.
368
00:32:13,849 --> 00:32:16,435
Not necessarily.
369
00:32:17,770 --> 00:32:19,146
Whoo, girls.
370
00:32:25,069 --> 00:32:27,655
- Where are you leading me?
- The reviewing stand.
371
00:32:27,822 --> 00:32:30,366
To choose your escorts
for the midnight orgy.
372
00:32:30,533 --> 00:32:31,659
I had almost forgot.
373
00:32:33,452 --> 00:32:36,163
- Send them in.
- Left flank, harch.
374
00:32:40,209 --> 00:32:42,419
Arms rest.
375
00:32:45,381 --> 00:32:47,550
A very nice selection.
376
00:32:48,926 --> 00:32:51,178
I'm gonna start on this end.
377
00:32:55,015 --> 00:32:58,978
Yes, no, no, no, no, no, no
378
00:32:59,145 --> 00:33:01,689
Yes, no, no, no, no, no, no
379
00:33:01,856 --> 00:33:03,732
Yes, no, no, yes
380
00:33:03,899 --> 00:33:07,319
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
381
00:33:07,486 --> 00:33:09,947
Yes, no, no, no, no, no, no
382
00:33:10,114 --> 00:33:12,491
Yes, no, no, no, no, no, no
383
00:33:12,658 --> 00:33:15,244
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
384
00:33:15,411 --> 00:33:16,871
No, no, no, no...
385
00:33:17,037 --> 00:33:18,414
Wait a minute...
386
00:33:19,165 --> 00:33:23,586
Yes!
387
00:33:23,752 --> 00:33:25,713
Olé!
388
00:33:27,131 --> 00:33:30,593
- Very good. That'll be all.
- Quick-time harch!
389
00:33:37,433 --> 00:33:39,810
I love quick-time harch.
390
00:33:41,979 --> 00:33:44,607
- Where are we?
- Don't worry.
391
00:33:51,655 --> 00:33:53,407
Who's that?
392
00:33:56,952 --> 00:33:59,955
Quick, hide behind the drape.
393
00:34:01,540 --> 00:34:05,085
I liked your choices.
You made some very big decisions.
394
00:34:05,252 --> 00:34:07,046
Thank you.
395
00:34:08,297 --> 00:34:10,716
Search the area.
They can't have gotten far.
396
00:34:10,883 --> 00:34:12,092
Halt!
397
00:34:13,802 --> 00:34:18,015
All right, virgins.
Put on your "No Entry" signs.
398
00:34:20,601 --> 00:34:24,813
We are about to confront guys.
399
00:34:31,111 --> 00:34:35,824
How dare you? No man
may search the empress' quarters.
400
00:34:35,991 --> 00:34:37,826
As you wish.
401
00:34:37,993 --> 00:34:40,120
- You're beautiful when you...
- Shove it.
402
00:34:44,667 --> 00:34:46,502
Speak up, Mucus.
403
00:34:46,669 --> 00:34:48,379
Eunuch.
404
00:34:50,005 --> 00:34:51,423
- Ca-ca.
- What?
405
00:34:51,840 --> 00:34:55,928
That slave over there.
He looks rather puny.
406
00:34:57,680 --> 00:35:01,517
Is it not true when eunuchs are castrated,
they become enormous?
407
00:35:02,184 --> 00:35:06,772
It's Josephus, your wine steward.
Please help him.
408
00:35:10,025 --> 00:35:13,529
You have to give him some time.
He has just been snipped.
409
00:35:16,115 --> 00:35:22,246
If he is truly a eunuch like the others,
there would be no harm to take the test.
410
00:35:22,413 --> 00:35:24,498
- Test?
- Test?
411
00:35:24,999 --> 00:35:26,417
Test?
412
00:35:30,546 --> 00:35:31,964
Test.
413
00:35:32,464 --> 00:35:35,884
Eunuchs, come down here.
414
00:35:36,885 --> 00:35:43,434
Let us have Caladonia do her
highly erotic temple dance in praise of Eros.
415
00:35:43,600 --> 00:35:47,938
And if all these creatures
are indeed eunuchs...
416
00:35:50,566 --> 00:35:55,237
then nothing should arise. Get it?
417
00:35:56,864 --> 00:35:59,408
Caladonia! Caladonia!
418
00:35:59,575 --> 00:36:01,910
Let's make their big heads so hard.
419
00:36:28,854 --> 00:36:31,607
- He is a eunuch.
- Yeah.
420
00:36:43,619 --> 00:36:45,746
He is a eunuch.
421
00:36:59,802 --> 00:37:01,136
He's dead.
422
00:37:11,146 --> 00:37:12,648
He'll never survive.
423
00:37:26,328 --> 00:37:29,998
- The jig is up.
- And gone.
424
00:37:30,332 --> 00:37:33,794
- After him!
- Go on, men, get him.
425
00:37:35,003 --> 00:37:37,172
Quick. Back through the corridor.
426
00:37:37,339 --> 00:37:41,218
He's heading for the Senate. We can
meet him near the cloak room. Come on.
427
00:38:00,070 --> 00:38:03,031
In factorum, quid pro quo.
428
00:38:03,198 --> 00:38:06,076
In pecunium, sic transit gloria.
429
00:38:06,243 --> 00:38:08,495
I didn't know Gloria was sick.
430
00:38:09,037 --> 00:38:12,708
- Where is he?
- Don't worry, he has to come this way.
431
00:38:12,875 --> 00:38:15,836
- He should be here.
- The Senate is in session.
432
00:38:16,003 --> 00:38:17,045
Senate.
433
00:38:17,212 --> 00:38:20,632
O fellow members
of the Roman Senate, hear me.
434
00:38:20,799 --> 00:38:24,678
Shall we continue to build
palace after palace for the rich?
435
00:38:24,845 --> 00:38:31,393
Or shall we aspire to a more noble purpose
and build decent housing for the poor?
436
00:38:31,560 --> 00:38:33,187
How does the Senate vote?
437
00:38:34,688 --> 00:38:38,150
- Fuck the poor!
- Good.
438
00:38:43,197 --> 00:38:44,239
Joe!
439
00:38:44,406 --> 00:38:47,284
The man was dead
when I got there, I swear.
440
00:38:47,784 --> 00:38:49,745
What's the matter?
Where've you been? Who was dead?
441
00:38:49,912 --> 00:38:52,080
Never mind. How do we get out of here?
442
00:38:52,247 --> 00:38:54,041
- Here, put this on.
- All right.
443
00:38:54,208 --> 00:38:58,962
OK. I'm gonna find Swiftus, then I'll meet
you at the theater across from the baths.
444
00:38:59,129 --> 00:39:01,381
- The theater across from the baths.
- Right.
445
00:39:01,548 --> 00:39:03,509
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
446
00:39:03,675 --> 00:39:05,427
- Stop with the goodbyes.
- OK.
447
00:39:05,594 --> 00:39:09,973
One more thing. Wait!
If we do escape, will you come with us?
448
00:39:10,140 --> 00:39:12,309
- Of course.
- Of course.
449
00:39:12,476 --> 00:39:17,940
Of course. Goodbye. Of course. Of course!
She's coming with us...
450
00:39:18,106 --> 00:39:19,608
- Come on.
- OK.
451
00:39:19,775 --> 00:39:22,444
Let's follow these senators.
Put your hood up.
452
00:39:22,611 --> 00:39:25,822
Behind these guys. Here we go.
Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.
453
00:39:25,989 --> 00:39:28,200
Ah, bullshit, bullshit.
454
00:39:41,463 --> 00:39:44,383
Give to Oedipus.
455
00:39:45,509 --> 00:39:48,971
Give to Oedipus.
456
00:39:49,513 --> 00:39:53,308
- Hey, Josephus.
- Hey, motherfucker.
457
00:40:19,167 --> 00:40:21,753
They should have been here
over 30 grains ago.
458
00:40:24,381 --> 00:40:27,676
- What could be keeping them?
- I don't know.
459
00:40:29,261 --> 00:40:31,471
There they are. Come on.
460
00:40:31,638 --> 00:40:35,183
Come on. Now, hurry. Walk this way.
461
00:40:46,361 --> 00:40:48,280
Hurry, get into these Trojan costumes.
462
00:40:51,617 --> 00:40:54,494
Che faccia da homma da left,
che faccia da homma da right.
463
00:40:54,661 --> 00:40:57,456
Che faccia da homma da,
che faccia da homma da,
464
00:40:57,623 --> 00:40:58,707
let's fight!
465
00:41:00,167 --> 00:41:02,544
Relax. Casual. Casual.
466
00:41:02,711 --> 00:41:07,341
No matter what happens, don't panic.
Don't panic.
467
00:41:07,507 --> 00:41:11,053
Che faccia da homma da left,
che faccia da homma da right.
468
00:41:11,219 --> 00:41:13,889
- Che faccia da homma...
- There they are!
469
00:41:14,056 --> 00:41:15,849
Panic!
470
00:41:17,684 --> 00:41:21,021
Che faccia da homma da left,
che faccia da homma da right...
471
00:41:24,900 --> 00:41:26,777
Captain Mucus, let's get after them.
472
00:41:26,943 --> 00:41:29,279
You take the left flank,
I'll take the right flank.
473
00:41:30,405 --> 00:41:32,574
Don't you know left flank from right?
474
00:41:32,741 --> 00:41:35,952
- I'm sorry, sir. I flunked flank.
- You flunked flank?
475
00:41:36,119 --> 00:41:38,914
Get the flunk out of here. Men!
476
00:41:43,919 --> 00:41:45,420
Here, this way.
477
00:41:52,344 --> 00:41:55,180
- Chemist, can you help me?
- What are you looking for?
478
00:41:55,347 --> 00:41:58,350
- A pack of Trojans.
- Gee, I just ran out.
479
00:41:58,517 --> 00:42:00,435
Captain Mucus!
480
00:42:01,603 --> 00:42:05,607
- Captain Mucus! Have you found anything?
- Nothing, Commander. Nothing.
481
00:42:05,774 --> 00:42:09,277
Search all the marketplaces,
the square, the alleys.
482
00:42:09,444 --> 00:42:14,950
Half you men, search that area there.
And the others will run with Mucus.
483
00:42:18,787 --> 00:42:20,872
We've gotta get out of Rome.
484
00:42:21,039 --> 00:42:23,792
But how? The streets
are crawling with soldiers.
485
00:42:23,959 --> 00:42:25,252
See?
486
00:42:30,716 --> 00:42:35,137
We'll never get out of here.
Only a miracle can save us.
487
00:42:37,180 --> 00:42:38,849
- Miracle!
- Miracle!
488
00:42:39,015 --> 00:42:40,475
- Miracle!
- Miracle!
489
00:42:42,144 --> 00:42:45,772
We've gotta get to that wagon.
Wait here, I'll see if the coast is clear.
490
00:42:49,151 --> 00:42:51,403
Come on. Hurry.
491
00:43:00,495 --> 00:43:02,748
No, you don't.
492
00:43:06,835 --> 00:43:10,797
Oh, my God! I'm fighting with cardboard.
493
00:43:10,964 --> 00:43:13,633
- Goodbye, head.
- Hello, balls.
494
00:43:18,263 --> 00:43:20,432
- Come on, run, Comicus.
- Come on, hurry.
495
00:43:21,683 --> 00:43:25,604
- OK, hurry, take off.
- Let's go, Miracle.
496
00:43:30,942 --> 00:43:33,862
What... Commander, where are they?
497
00:43:34,029 --> 00:43:38,533
Get the horses.
Get the chariots. Get the men.
498
00:43:38,700 --> 00:43:40,118
Onward!
499
00:43:40,786 --> 00:43:42,788
Get me an ice pack. Hurry.
500
00:43:46,708 --> 00:43:49,336
- Where are you going?
- I don't know.
501
00:43:59,554 --> 00:44:01,181
Here come the bad guys.
502
00:44:01,348 --> 00:44:04,893
Run, Miracle, hurry!
They're gaining on us.
503
00:44:05,060 --> 00:44:08,522
- Hurry!
- Come on, Miracle. Go, boy.
504
00:44:08,688 --> 00:44:10,816
Come on, men. We're gaining on them.
505
00:44:10,982 --> 00:44:12,901
They're gaining on us.
506
00:44:13,944 --> 00:44:15,195
Come on, Miracle.
507
00:44:16,404 --> 00:44:20,200
Go, boy, go!
Stretch out those long white legs!
508
00:44:23,995 --> 00:44:27,541
We're pulling away.
We're losing them.
509
00:44:27,874 --> 00:44:30,210
Run, run!
510
00:44:30,377 --> 00:44:32,546
Quickly, go to the left.
511
00:44:32,712 --> 00:44:35,715
Go to the right. Stop!
512
00:44:41,054 --> 00:44:43,348
I smell something familiar.
513
00:44:43,515 --> 00:44:47,060
Laz! Laz, I got an idea! Pull over.
514
00:44:47,227 --> 00:44:49,354
Pull over!
515
00:44:51,147 --> 00:44:53,275
- I knew I smelled something.
- You crazy?
516
00:44:53,441 --> 00:44:57,445
Think I don't know what I'm talking about?
The nose knows.
517
00:44:57,612 --> 00:44:59,447
What the heck is he...
518
00:44:59,614 --> 00:45:02,075
- What's he doing?
- Picking flowers.
519
00:45:02,242 --> 00:45:04,619
- Roman Red.
- Roman Red?
520
00:45:04,786 --> 00:45:07,789
A whole field of wacky weedus.
521
00:45:07,956 --> 00:45:10,750
- He's picking those weeds.
- Papyrus.
522
00:45:10,917 --> 00:45:12,961
Rolling papyrus.
523
00:45:13,837 --> 00:45:16,214
- Paper! Paper!
- What? Like this?
524
00:45:16,381 --> 00:45:18,133
That's good.
525
00:45:20,802 --> 00:45:23,555
Easy, whitus.
These people don't know the value.
526
00:45:23,889 --> 00:45:26,391
Josephus, hurry.
527
00:45:36,151 --> 00:45:39,279
Hold this. Yes, indeed.
528
00:45:39,446 --> 00:45:42,532
- They'll be here any minute.
- Not to worry. Not to worry.
529
00:45:42,699 --> 00:45:45,785
We are now armed with mighty joint.
530
00:45:45,952 --> 00:45:48,997
- Pull out.
- Let's go, Miracle.
531
00:45:49,164 --> 00:45:51,416
Hurry, we've got to catch them.
532
00:45:53,710 --> 00:45:54,961
Quickly, after them.
533
00:46:03,178 --> 00:46:04,262
Oh, mama!
534
00:46:04,888 --> 00:46:07,724
We've got to... We've got to...
535
00:46:07,891 --> 00:46:09,851
get moving.
536
00:46:10,894 --> 00:46:12,979
- It's working!
- It's working!
537
00:46:14,189 --> 00:46:17,108
We gotta stay loose, you know?
538
00:46:17,275 --> 00:46:21,029
Let it cool.
Let the coolness get into our vertebrae.
539
00:46:36,711 --> 00:46:38,713
You men go northward.
540
00:46:38,880 --> 00:46:43,677
You go southward.
I'm gonna walk here, round in a circle.
541
00:46:49,057 --> 00:46:50,892
What are we gonna do? We're trapped.
542
00:46:53,728 --> 00:46:55,897
- Hey, who's that?
- Look what he's done!
543
00:46:56,648 --> 00:46:57,816
Oh, my God.
544
00:47:02,070 --> 00:47:04,406
Oh, what a wonderful man.
545
00:47:05,573 --> 00:47:08,076
Let's go, Miracle.
546
00:47:22,340 --> 00:47:24,259
And keep 'em up.
547
00:47:28,430 --> 00:47:31,099
You son of a bitch! You bastard!
548
00:47:31,266 --> 00:47:34,436
An old man! They don't let you live!
They don't let you breathe!
549
00:47:37,188 --> 00:47:40,066
You son of a bitch...
550
00:47:43,028 --> 00:47:46,072
- No, go this way. It's a short cut.
- To where?
551
00:47:46,239 --> 00:47:48,700
The port. There's a ship leaving for Judaea.
552
00:47:48,867 --> 00:47:50,785
- Judaea?
- Judaea.
553
00:47:50,952 --> 00:47:52,454
Judaea!
554
00:47:59,210 --> 00:48:02,589
I'm gonna stay right here.
555
00:48:02,756 --> 00:48:05,133
No, I'm gonna move here.
556
00:48:07,093 --> 00:48:09,846
- You care if it falls?
- What?
557
00:48:10,013 --> 00:48:13,308
- The Roman Empire.
- Fuck it.
558
00:48:16,144 --> 00:48:18,313
Is that our men?
559
00:48:18,480 --> 00:48:19,647
Why have they stopped?
560
00:48:22,317 --> 00:48:24,736
- Oh, Marcus!
- Why have you stopped?
561
00:48:24,903 --> 00:48:28,823
Why aren't you still chasing them?
Have you lost your senses?
562
00:48:28,990 --> 00:48:31,785
Do you want to be stripped
of rank and privileges?
563
00:48:31,951 --> 00:48:35,789
Do you want to be thrown into
the dungeon? Do you want to...
564
00:48:37,665 --> 00:48:39,334
Do you want to dance?
565
00:48:39,709 --> 00:48:41,669
Lindus!
566
00:49:15,411 --> 00:49:19,624
Hey, look. There's the ship
that's gonna take us to Judaea.
567
00:49:19,791 --> 00:49:24,129
We're off on the road to Judaea
568
00:49:24,295 --> 00:49:28,716
We certainly do get around
569
00:49:41,437 --> 00:49:44,899
See? I told you
there was work to be found here.
570
00:49:46,985 --> 00:49:51,906
You're right. "Help wanted. Cashier, waiter
and dishwasher." I'm gonna be waiter.
571
00:49:52,073 --> 00:49:54,159
- Cashier.
- I'll be the hat-check girl.
572
00:49:54,325 --> 00:49:56,995
- What are you...
- All right, I'll be the dishwasher.
573
00:49:57,162 --> 00:50:01,249
Hey, kids. I'll take Miracle
and scout the area for a possible club date.
574
00:50:01,416 --> 00:50:05,086
I'll try Galilee. I heard that
King Herod is bringing in gambling.
575
00:50:05,253 --> 00:50:07,463
Let's go, Miracle.
576
00:50:07,630 --> 00:50:10,758
- Take care, Swiftus.
- Bye, Miracle.
577
00:50:13,052 --> 00:50:14,929
Comicus.
578
00:50:17,765 --> 00:50:19,184
Sir.
579
00:50:20,768 --> 00:50:23,980
- Sorry.
- Now, tonight, we have a private party.
580
00:50:24,147 --> 00:50:30,236
Take their orders. Be correct. Be polite. And
push the mulled wine, we're stuck with it.
581
00:50:30,403 --> 00:50:32,322
"Push the mulled wine, we're..."
582
00:50:32,488 --> 00:50:34,866
- Don't write it now. Now go.
- Yes, sir.
583
00:50:36,993 --> 00:50:39,412
Can't get any good help today.
584
00:50:43,625 --> 00:50:47,921
Before this night is over,
one of you shall betray me three times.
585
00:50:48,087 --> 00:50:49,339
No, no.
586
00:50:49,505 --> 00:50:52,091
Master, how can you feel
anyone here would betray you?
587
00:50:52,258 --> 00:50:54,677
You, who we'd follow even unto death?
588
00:50:54,844 --> 00:50:56,471
Yes, yes.
589
00:50:56,638 --> 00:50:58,723
Does everybody want soup?
590
00:50:58,890 --> 00:51:01,976
Please, we must talk.
This may be our last supper.
591
00:51:02,143 --> 00:51:05,480
Hey, it's my first order.
One question and I'll let you all go.
592
00:51:05,647 --> 00:51:08,107
Are you all together,
or is it separate checks?
593
00:51:08,274 --> 00:51:11,736
- Please go away! Go away.
- All right, OK, OK.
594
00:51:11,903 --> 00:51:14,489
Yea, yea, so you say.
595
00:51:14,656 --> 00:51:18,451
But one who sits amongst us
has already betrayed me this night.
596
00:51:18,618 --> 00:51:21,162
- Who?
- Who? Who can it be?
597
00:51:21,329 --> 00:51:22,872
Judas!
598
00:51:23,039 --> 00:51:26,334
Do you want a beverage?
Try the mulled wine, it's terrific.
599
00:51:26,501 --> 00:51:28,253
No! Leave us alone.
600
00:51:28,419 --> 00:51:30,296
Go, go.
601
00:51:30,463 --> 00:51:32,465
All right, all right. Jesus!
602
00:51:32,632 --> 00:51:35,009
- Yes?
- What?
603
00:51:35,176 --> 00:51:37,428
- What?
- What?
604
00:51:37,595 --> 00:51:38,680
Yes.
605
00:51:38,846 --> 00:51:39,889
- Jesus!
- What?
606
00:51:40,056 --> 00:51:41,224
- Yes?
- What?
607
00:51:41,391 --> 00:51:43,017
Well, you said "What?"
608
00:51:43,184 --> 00:51:44,269
What?
609
00:51:44,435 --> 00:51:45,728
Nothing.
610
00:51:47,272 --> 00:51:50,566
- Ah. Leonardo.
- Buongiorno.
611
00:51:50,733 --> 00:51:54,028
- Just a second...
- It's all right. We ordered a group portrait.
612
00:52:03,746 --> 00:52:07,875
This is no good.
All I got is the backs.
613
00:52:11,212 --> 00:52:16,175
OK. Everybody wanna be in the picture,
get up and go to the other side of the table.
614
00:52:31,733 --> 00:52:33,151
Hold it.
615
00:53:21,074 --> 00:53:24,243
The year was 1489.
616
00:53:24,410 --> 00:53:27,163
The black plague ravaged the continent.
617
00:53:27,330 --> 00:53:30,833
It was the hour of the infamous auto-da-fé,
618
00:53:31,000 --> 00:53:34,712
where, for public amusement,
heretics and non-believers
619
00:53:34,879 --> 00:53:38,091
were tortured and burned
in a carnival-like atmosphere.
620
00:53:38,257 --> 00:53:41,886
And it was guided by
the most fearful specter
621
00:53:42,053 --> 00:53:45,556
to ever sit in judgment over good and evil:
622
00:53:45,723 --> 00:53:50,144
The Grand Inquisitor, Torquemada.
623
00:53:50,311 --> 00:53:52,355
All pay heed.
624
00:53:52,522 --> 00:53:55,316
Now enters His Holiness, Torquemada,
625
00:53:55,483 --> 00:53:58,319
the Grand Inquisitor
of the Spanish Inquisition.
626
00:54:05,993 --> 00:54:09,872
Torquemada.
Do not implore him for compassion.
627
00:54:10,039 --> 00:54:13,835
Torquemada. Do not
beg him for forgiveness.
628
00:54:14,001 --> 00:54:17,171
Torquemada. Do not ask him for mercy.
629
00:54:17,338 --> 00:54:21,509
Let's face it,
you can't talk him outta anything.
630
00:54:22,093 --> 00:54:26,013
Let all those who wish
to confess their evil ways,
631
00:54:26,180 --> 00:54:29,517
and to accept and embrace the true Church,
632
00:54:29,684 --> 00:54:33,855
convert now, or forever burn in hell.
633
00:54:34,021 --> 00:54:38,359
For now begins the Inquisition.
634
00:54:43,823 --> 00:54:46,117
The Inquisition, let's begin
635
00:54:46,284 --> 00:54:48,369
The Inquisition, look out sin
636
00:54:48,536 --> 00:54:53,207
- We have a mission to convert the Jews
- Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jews
637
00:54:53,374 --> 00:54:55,501
We're gonna teach them wrong from right
638
00:54:55,668 --> 00:54:57,920
We're gonna help them see the light
639
00:54:58,087 --> 00:55:02,842
- And make an offer that they can't refuse
- That the Jews just can't refuse
640
00:55:03,009 --> 00:55:04,677
Confess
641
00:55:04,844 --> 00:55:07,346
Don't be boring
642
00:55:07,513 --> 00:55:09,515
Say yes
643
00:55:09,682 --> 00:55:10,975
Don't be dull
644
00:55:12,268 --> 00:55:13,978
A fact
645
00:55:14,145 --> 00:55:16,856
You're ignoring
646
00:55:17,023 --> 00:55:20,401
It's better to lose
your skullcap than your skull
647
00:55:20,568 --> 00:55:21,736
Oy, oy, gevald
648
00:55:21,903 --> 00:55:24,030
The Inquisition, what a show
649
00:55:24,197 --> 00:55:26,324
The Inquisition, here we go
650
00:55:26,491 --> 00:55:31,120
We know you're wishing that we'd go away
651
00:55:31,287 --> 00:55:35,166
But the Inquisition's here
and it's here to stay
652
00:55:35,333 --> 00:55:36,375
Oh, boy
653
00:55:36,542 --> 00:55:39,045
The Inquisition, what joy
654
00:55:39,212 --> 00:55:41,839
The Inquisition, oy, oy
655
00:55:43,674 --> 00:55:47,178
I was sitting in a temple,
I was minding my own business
656
00:55:47,345 --> 00:55:50,389
I was listening to a lovely Hebrew Mass
657
00:55:50,556 --> 00:55:53,351
These Papist persons plunge in,
throw me in a dungeon
658
00:55:53,518 --> 00:55:56,354
And they shove a red-hot poker up my ass
659
00:55:56,729 --> 00:56:00,107
Is that considerate? Is that polite?
660
00:56:00,274 --> 00:56:04,153
And not a tube of Preparation H in sight
661
00:56:05,112 --> 00:56:08,157
I'm flicking chickens,
looking through the pickings
662
00:56:08,324 --> 00:56:10,451
And suddenly these goys
break down my walls
663
00:56:11,577 --> 00:56:14,288
I didn't even know them,
they grabbed me by the scrotum
664
00:56:14,455 --> 00:56:17,291
And they started playing
Ping-Pong with my balls
665
00:56:17,458 --> 00:56:20,795
Oy, the agony! Oh, the shame
666
00:56:20,962 --> 00:56:24,340
To make my privates public for a game
667
00:56:29,303 --> 00:56:31,639
The Inquisition, what a show
668
00:56:31,806 --> 00:56:34,141
The Inquisition, here we go
669
00:56:34,308 --> 00:56:39,313
We know you're wishing that we'd go away
670
00:56:39,480 --> 00:56:42,316
But the Inquisition's here
and it's here to...
671
00:56:42,483 --> 00:56:44,569
Hey, Torquemada, what do you say?
672
00:56:44,735 --> 00:56:49,323
- I just got back from the auto-da-fé
- Auto-da-fé? What's an auto-da-fé?
673
00:56:49,490 --> 00:56:52,451
It's what you oughtn't to do
but you do anyway
674
00:56:57,164 --> 00:56:59,667
- Will you convert?
- No, no, no, no
675
00:56:59,834 --> 00:57:02,128
- Will you confess?
- No, no, no, no
676
00:57:02,295 --> 00:57:04,589
- Will you revert?
- No, no, no, no
677
00:57:04,755 --> 00:57:07,216
- Will you say yes?
- No, no, no, no
678
00:57:07,383 --> 00:57:09,969
Now, I asked in a nice way,
I said pretty please
679
00:57:10,136 --> 00:57:13,222
I bent their ears,
now I'll work on their knees!
680
00:57:35,453 --> 00:57:38,497
Hey, Torquemada, walk this way
681
00:57:40,499 --> 00:57:42,710
We got a little game you might want to play
682
00:57:42,877 --> 00:57:45,546
So pull that handle, try your luck
683
00:57:45,713 --> 00:57:48,049
Who knows, Torque, you might win a buck
684
00:57:48,215 --> 00:57:50,009
All right!
685
00:58:07,318 --> 00:58:09,403
Put it in the car.
686
00:58:10,029 --> 00:58:11,739
- In the car.
- In the car.
687
00:58:14,992 --> 00:58:17,203
How we doing? Any converts today?
688
00:58:17,370 --> 00:58:20,247
Not a one, nay, nay, nay
689
00:58:20,414 --> 00:58:23,668
We've flattened their fingers,
we've branded their buns
690
00:58:23,834 --> 00:58:26,170
Nothing is working
691
00:58:27,380 --> 00:58:29,090
Send in the nuns!
692
01:00:39,970 --> 01:00:43,390
The Inquisition, what a show
693
01:00:43,557 --> 01:00:46,894
The Inquisition, here we go
694
01:00:47,061 --> 01:00:52,983
We know you're wishing that we'd go away
695
01:00:53,150 --> 01:00:56,612
So come on, you Muslims and you Jews
696
01:00:56,779 --> 01:00:59,573
We got big news for all of yous
697
01:00:59,740 --> 01:01:02,117
You better change your point of view
698
01:01:02,284 --> 01:01:05,412
Tonight
699
01:01:05,579 --> 01:01:08,249
'Cause the Inquisition's here
700
01:01:08,415 --> 01:01:10,501
And it's here
701
01:01:10,668 --> 01:01:17,299
To stay
702
01:01:34,984 --> 01:01:40,990
Paris. A city filled
with poverty, misery and despair.
703
01:01:41,615 --> 01:01:45,077
The time was ripe for revolution.
704
01:01:46,287 --> 01:01:48,539
Apple cores!
705
01:01:48,706 --> 01:01:52,501
Freshly picked from the garbage of the rich.
706
01:01:52,668 --> 01:01:56,297
Apple cores. Apple cores.
707
01:01:56,463 --> 01:01:58,591
Rats. Rats.
708
01:01:58,757 --> 01:02:01,343
Nice dead rats for sale.
709
01:02:01,510 --> 01:02:05,890
Perfect for rat stew, rat soup, rat pie,
710
01:02:06,056 --> 01:02:09,602
and the ever-popular ratatouille.
711
01:02:09,768 --> 01:02:12,563
Nothing. Nothing.
712
01:02:12,730 --> 01:02:15,608
I got absolutely nothing for sale.
713
01:02:21,530 --> 01:02:23,449
Sir, please help me.
I'm starving to death.
714
01:02:23,616 --> 01:02:27,328
- Help, give me something...
- Get away. Don't bother me, you swine.
715
01:02:27,494 --> 01:02:30,331
Please, money, food, anything.
Help me, help...
716
01:02:30,497 --> 01:02:33,834
Get your filthy hands off me. Begone.
717
01:02:35,961 --> 01:02:37,087
Please!
718
01:02:37,254 --> 01:02:39,173
Something, anything.
I'm starving to death...
719
01:02:40,090 --> 01:02:42,551
Look what we have come to.
720
01:02:42,718 --> 01:02:46,680
Beggars begging from beggars.
721
01:02:55,898 --> 01:02:58,025
Bonjour, Madame Defarge.
722
01:02:58,192 --> 01:03:00,444
Bonjour, scum.
723
01:03:00,611 --> 01:03:02,821
All keep quiet. The meeting begins.
724
01:03:03,614 --> 01:03:05,574
Fellow wretches.
725
01:03:06,075 --> 01:03:10,829
I don't have to tell you
that poverty stalks the streets of Paris.
726
01:03:10,996 --> 01:03:12,706
Yeah!
727
01:03:13,248 --> 01:03:16,585
Families don't even have
enough money for bread.
728
01:03:16,752 --> 01:03:19,129
- No.
- We are down to almost nothing.
729
01:03:19,296 --> 01:03:23,467
Last week, I myself ran out of wool.
730
01:03:26,387 --> 01:03:28,389
- We have no rights.
- No.
731
01:03:28,555 --> 01:03:31,392
- We have no say.
- No.
732
01:03:31,558 --> 01:03:34,520
- We have no dignity!
- No!
733
01:03:34,687 --> 01:03:40,025
We are so poor,
we do not even have a language.
734
01:03:40,192 --> 01:03:42,653
Just a stupid accent.
735
01:03:42,820 --> 01:03:48,200
She's right! She's right.
We all talk like Maurice Chevalier.
736
01:03:50,452 --> 01:03:54,790
What we need is a new language.
737
01:03:54,957 --> 01:04:01,547
A song that speaks of struggle,
that speaks of triumph...
738
01:04:04,425 --> 01:04:07,261
- It is time for action!
- Yes!
739
01:04:07,970 --> 01:04:10,931
Everybody stand.
740
01:04:11,515 --> 01:04:13,684
Repeat after me...
741
01:04:21,525 --> 01:04:25,279
No, no, no. Dumb scum.
742
01:04:25,446 --> 01:04:29,074
I mean death to King Louis.
743
01:04:29,241 --> 01:04:33,120
Death to King Louis.
744
01:04:33,287 --> 01:04:36,123
Good! Good.
745
01:04:36,874 --> 01:04:41,754
And now, let's end this meeting
on a high note.
746
01:04:52,931 --> 01:04:57,311
Oh, but with this long trip and
this exhausting conversation, I'm famished.
747
01:04:57,478 --> 01:04:58,979
Bearnaise?
748
01:04:59,646 --> 01:05:01,065
Yes?
749
01:05:01,815 --> 01:05:06,111
Do we have any of those
delicious raisins left?
750
01:05:07,154 --> 01:05:09,198
You ate yours.
751
01:05:09,364 --> 01:05:11,366
These are mine.
752
01:05:11,867 --> 01:05:14,870
Au contraire. They are mine.
I paid for them.
753
01:05:15,037 --> 01:05:16,622
Hand them over.
754
01:05:20,000 --> 01:05:24,088
Au contraire.
I paid for them. Those are mine.
755
01:05:25,339 --> 01:05:28,175
Don't be saucy with me, Bearnaise.
756
01:05:39,937 --> 01:05:41,855
Count de Money.
757
01:05:42,856 --> 01:05:44,775
Count de Money.
758
01:05:46,235 --> 01:05:49,279
Count de Money, Count de Money.
759
01:05:50,447 --> 01:05:54,243
- Count de Money, Count de Money!
- De Monet, de Monet.
760
01:05:54,409 --> 01:05:57,621
- Count de Money.
- Count de Money.
761
01:06:07,172 --> 01:06:09,758
We should get rid of your tailor.
762
01:06:10,384 --> 01:06:14,596
I don't like your cuffs. I don't like
your cuffs, I don't like your cuffs.
763
01:06:15,013 --> 01:06:20,144
A man's cuffs should be even
with the tip of his pee-pee.
764
01:06:20,561 --> 01:06:23,897
Yours are all the way down to your balls.
765
01:06:24,565 --> 01:06:28,819
- At least I have them.
- You bitch.
766
01:06:31,572 --> 01:06:34,449
- Lackey!
- Count de Money.
767
01:06:34,908 --> 01:06:36,577
De Monet.
768
01:06:36,743 --> 01:06:39,913
- Monet. Say it! Monet. Monet.
- Mo... Mo...net.
769
01:06:40,080 --> 01:06:42,875
Mo... net.
770
01:06:43,041 --> 01:06:45,752
Perfect. Don't forget it.
Give it to me again. Monet.
771
01:06:45,919 --> 01:06:48,297
- Monet.
- Very good. Where's His Majesty?
772
01:06:48,463 --> 01:06:50,507
Sir, the king is playing chess.
773
01:06:50,674 --> 01:06:54,720
Chess? I hate chess.
774
01:07:01,268 --> 01:07:03,979
It's your move, Your Majesty.
775
01:07:07,608 --> 01:07:10,402
I'm quite aware of that, you petit putz.
776
01:07:12,863 --> 01:07:14,448
I see.
777
01:07:18,202 --> 01:07:22,539
Knight to rook four.
778
01:07:29,838 --> 01:07:32,007
- Your move, Poppinjay.
- Yes, sire.
779
01:07:38,972 --> 01:07:43,769
- Pawn threatens bishop.
- What the hell did you say?
780
01:07:43,936 --> 01:07:46,396
Pawn threatens bishop.
781
01:07:46,563 --> 01:07:48,941
All right. I understood.
782
01:07:49,107 --> 01:07:53,987
Pawn threatens bishop. All right, Poppinjay.
I'm invoking the king's privilege.
783
01:07:54,154 --> 01:07:56,323
Three moves to one. Yes!
784
01:08:00,160 --> 01:08:02,287
Knight jumps queen.
785
01:08:03,789 --> 01:08:06,500
Bishop jumps queen.
786
01:08:08,794 --> 01:08:11,672
Pawns jump queen.
787
01:08:14,675 --> 01:08:19,346
Gangbang! Come on,
let's all jump the queen.
788
01:08:21,640 --> 01:08:25,143
Whip out those little dicks!
Here we go.
789
01:08:33,235 --> 01:08:34,695
What a spectacle.
790
01:08:38,699 --> 01:08:42,119
Isn't the queen a good sport?
791
01:08:42,411 --> 01:08:46,540
And he is such a fool. Nevertheless,
we must do everything we can
792
01:08:46,707 --> 01:08:50,460
to save the thing that divine right
and history have placed on his head.
793
01:08:50,627 --> 01:08:54,631
- His wig?
- No, you twit. His crown.
794
01:08:54,798 --> 01:08:56,591
The symbol of "Might makes right."
795
01:08:56,758 --> 01:08:59,886
The thing that our fortunes
and titles are attached to.
796
01:09:00,053 --> 01:09:01,471
The monarchy.
797
01:09:03,849 --> 01:09:06,727
- Are you going to speak to His Majesty?
- Perhaps later.
798
01:09:06,893 --> 01:09:10,564
We had a bouncy journey,
I must relieve myself before I burst.
799
01:09:10,731 --> 01:09:13,233
- Where is the garçon de piss?
- I saw him just now.
800
01:09:13,400 --> 01:09:15,360
Oh, there he is. Over there.
801
01:09:16,820 --> 01:09:19,823
- Oh, merci, monsieur.
- Piss boy!
802
01:09:19,990 --> 01:09:22,284
Ah, oui, monsieur. Oui.
803
01:09:23,744 --> 01:09:26,413
- Oui, oui?
- Yes, a lot of it.
804
01:09:26,580 --> 01:09:28,373
S'il vous plaît.
805
01:09:34,212 --> 01:09:36,882
Keep searching. You'll find it.
806
01:09:37,049 --> 01:09:39,426
Oh, leave me alone. I can handle this.
807
01:09:48,268 --> 01:09:51,521
You look familiar. Who do you look like?
808
01:09:52,272 --> 01:09:54,024
Je ne sais pas.
809
01:09:55,901 --> 01:10:00,447
Who is that girl? She's gorgeous.
810
01:10:05,827 --> 01:10:08,288
- Pardon, pardon, pardon.
- Yes?
811
01:10:08,455 --> 01:10:10,791
You are pissing on my shoe.
812
01:10:10,957 --> 01:10:13,502
- Sorry. Mind your pail!
- Sorry, sorry.
813
01:10:20,967 --> 01:10:22,677
Wait for the shake.
814
01:10:27,724 --> 01:10:30,602
Now, there. That's for you.
815
01:10:31,228 --> 01:10:32,562
Piss off.
816
01:10:33,563 --> 01:10:36,274
Thank you. I'll get it later.
817
01:10:39,486 --> 01:10:41,071
Oh, that's better.
818
01:10:41,238 --> 01:10:45,784
Let the queen up, give the queen some air.
She's been so good to all of us.
819
01:10:49,871 --> 01:10:54,376
Ooh! There's a naughty bit of crumpet.
820
01:11:02,259 --> 01:11:03,885
Oh, Your Majesty.
821
01:11:04,052 --> 01:11:07,681
- How's it going, Marie?
- Oh, you are so naughty.
822
01:11:11,685 --> 01:11:13,728
It's good to be the king.
823
01:11:32,038 --> 01:11:35,083
Everything's so green!
824
01:11:35,250 --> 01:11:38,378
Majesty, may I have a word with you?
825
01:11:38,545 --> 01:11:41,089
- Care for a little toot?
- Non, merci.
826
01:11:41,256 --> 01:11:43,675
Don't indulge, eh?
Well, leaves more for us.
827
01:11:43,842 --> 01:11:49,055
- Who are you?
- Your Majesty, I am Mademoiselle Rimbaud.
828
01:11:50,182 --> 01:11:52,350
Nice names.
829
01:11:52,517 --> 01:11:56,146
- Tell me, my dear, what can I do for you?
- Your Majesty.
830
01:11:56,313 --> 01:12:01,109
My father, Monsieur Rimbaud,
for ten years has languished in the Bastille.
831
01:12:01,276 --> 01:12:03,904
If I don't get him out soon,
he will surely die.
832
01:12:04,070 --> 01:12:07,324
I throw myself on your mercy.
Please release him.
833
01:12:07,491 --> 01:12:12,412
- Why was he put into the Bastille?
- He said something at a royal dinner party.
834
01:12:12,579 --> 01:12:17,334
- What did he say?
- He said, "The poor ain't so bad."
835
01:12:17,501 --> 01:12:22,589
Pouilly Fuissé! "The poor ain't so bad"?
You're lucky he's still alive.
836
01:12:22,756 --> 01:12:27,761
Please, Your Majesty, don't let him die.
I'll do anything to gain his pardon, anything.
837
01:12:28,553 --> 01:12:30,138
Anything?
838
01:12:30,931 --> 01:12:35,936
Your Majesty, I was raised in a convent.
I don't indulge in pleasures of the flesh.
839
01:12:37,145 --> 01:12:40,273
You don't put out, he don't get out.
840
01:12:41,149 --> 01:12:43,944
Your Majesty, I simply don't do it.
841
01:12:44,110 --> 01:12:48,490
Come on, you do it. You know you do it.
842
01:12:48,657 --> 01:12:52,035
We all do it. We love to do it. You do it.
843
01:12:52,202 --> 01:12:54,955
- No, I don't.
- You want to do it. I do it.
844
01:12:55,121 --> 01:13:01,294
I love to do it. I just did it and I'm ready
to do it again. Don't tell me you don't do it.
845
01:13:02,837 --> 01:13:06,550
Now, either you do it, or your father dies.
846
01:13:06,716 --> 01:13:08,927
It's either hump or death.
847
01:13:09,094 --> 01:13:13,974
- Humperdinck?
- Not Humperdinck. "Hump or death."
848
01:13:14,140 --> 01:13:18,645
You got ten seconds to make up your mind.
Hump. Death. Hump. Death. Hump. Death.
849
01:13:18,812 --> 01:13:20,313
Hump. Death. Hump. Death.
850
01:13:20,480 --> 01:13:22,732
Hump. Death. Your time is running out!
Hump. Death...
851
01:13:22,899 --> 01:13:25,110
All right, all right. Hump!
852
01:13:26,653 --> 01:13:31,241
Very good. I'm glad you thought it over.
Be at my chambers at midnight.
853
01:13:31,408 --> 01:13:33,493
A toute à l'heure.
854
01:13:33,827 --> 01:13:34,828
Wait!
855
01:13:35,620 --> 01:13:37,872
Don't wear anything...
856
01:13:38,373 --> 01:13:40,250
complicated.
857
01:13:53,013 --> 01:13:55,015
It's good to be the king.
858
01:14:00,353 --> 01:14:02,731
Your Majesty,
I must have a word with you...
859
01:14:03,481 --> 01:14:05,859
Ah, the Count de Money.
860
01:14:06,026 --> 01:14:08,528
- De Mo...
- Don't correct me. What is it?
861
01:14:08,987 --> 01:14:10,614
Of course, Your Majesty.
862
01:14:10,989 --> 01:14:14,951
I've come on most urgent business.
It is said that the people are revolting.
863
01:14:15,118 --> 01:14:17,579
You said it. They stink on ice.
864
01:14:17,746 --> 01:14:22,500
No, this is a very serious problem. The
peasants feel you have no regard for them.
865
01:14:22,667 --> 01:14:25,795
What? I have no regard for the peasants?
866
01:14:25,962 --> 01:14:29,132
They are my people. I am their sovereign.
867
01:14:29,299 --> 01:14:32,302
I love them. Pull!
868
01:14:36,264 --> 01:14:40,060
- Drifting to the left.
- Your Majesty, the situation is worsening.
869
01:14:40,226 --> 01:14:42,771
The peasants may grow violent.
870
01:14:43,521 --> 01:14:45,190
- Violent? You think?
- Yes.
871
01:14:45,357 --> 01:14:48,068
I hate violence. It's the one thing I detest.
872
01:14:48,234 --> 01:14:51,071
Violence. I abhor it.
873
01:14:51,237 --> 01:14:52,739
Pull!
874
01:14:54,908 --> 01:14:56,242
Fell like a stone.
875
01:14:56,409 --> 01:15:01,915
But, Your Majesty, just in case of the
remote possibility of a temporary revolution,
876
01:15:02,082 --> 01:15:06,252
don't you think it would be wise
to have you safely spirited out of Paris?
877
01:15:07,754 --> 01:15:12,092
Perhaps you're right. But who
would sit on my throne in my absence?
878
01:15:12,258 --> 01:15:18,348
- We'll find a double, put him on the throne.
- Ah. A double in case of trouble. I like it.
879
01:15:20,934 --> 01:15:24,938
But where would you find
a handsome dog to replace me?
880
01:15:26,523 --> 01:15:29,567
Oh, yes, of course, of course. That's it!
881
01:15:29,734 --> 01:15:35,699
- Your Majesty, you look like the piss boy!
- And you look like a bucket of shit!
882
01:15:35,865 --> 01:15:37,867
No, you don't understand, Your Majesty.
883
01:15:38,034 --> 01:15:41,913
It is God's will.
Except for the beauty mark and mustache.
884
01:15:42,080 --> 01:15:44,624
- There's our double.
- Sacrebleu!
885
01:15:44,791 --> 01:15:46,960
You're right. I do look like the piss boy.
886
01:15:47,127 --> 01:15:51,464
All right. At the first sign
of trouble, he shall be the king.
887
01:15:51,631 --> 01:15:53,758
- Go.
- Immediately, sire.
888
01:15:54,509 --> 01:15:57,637
Bearnaise! Garçon,
I must have a word with you.
889
01:15:57,804 --> 01:16:00,306
- I'm not finished.
- You are. Come with me.
890
01:16:00,473 --> 01:16:03,101
- You're finished.
- I'm finished.
891
01:16:03,935 --> 01:16:05,228
Lackey.
892
01:16:07,564 --> 01:16:09,274
Your Majesty.
893
01:16:17,741 --> 01:16:19,743
It's good to be the king.
894
01:16:20,827 --> 01:16:24,748
- Good. Now the beauty mark.
- It's coming.
895
01:16:30,754 --> 01:16:35,759
Wonderful. No one would ever suspect
that His Royal Highness
896
01:16:35,925 --> 01:16:39,304
is really the lowly piss boy.
897
01:16:40,930 --> 01:16:43,725
This is never gonna work.
Please, Count de Money...
898
01:16:43,892 --> 01:16:45,852
De Monet, de Monet.
899
01:16:46,019 --> 01:16:49,272
De Monet, Dubonnet, Ciboney -
it's not gonna work.
900
01:16:49,439 --> 01:16:52,525
I can't behave like a king.
I don't know king things.
901
01:16:52,901 --> 01:16:56,362
Please, let... See? See?
I can't even walk like a king.
902
01:16:56,529 --> 01:16:59,991
I can't walk in heels.
I'm no good in heels. He's good in heels.
903
01:17:00,158 --> 01:17:03,953
This'll never work. Why are you
doing this to me? What's this about?
904
01:17:04,120 --> 01:17:07,457
Why are you dressing me like the king?
Why do I have to be the king?
905
01:17:07,624 --> 01:17:11,044
It's very simple, really.
Is my hair all right?
906
01:17:11,211 --> 01:17:13,880
- Dreadful.
- Well, fix it.
907
01:17:16,674 --> 01:17:20,762
Yes. You see, recently, there has
been a rumor about a revolution.
908
01:17:20,929 --> 01:17:23,431
And if this revolution should succeed,
909
01:17:23,598 --> 01:17:26,059
the first thing the people will do
is cut off the king's head.
910
01:17:26,226 --> 01:17:29,938
If there is a double on the throne,
the king can remain in safety
911
01:17:30,104 --> 01:17:33,233
- while they cut off the double's head.
- I get it.
912
01:17:33,399 --> 01:17:37,070
Whoa! I get it! I get it!
913
01:17:37,904 --> 01:17:41,950
- They're here to cut off my head?
- Hide in there, I'll see who it is.
914
01:17:49,749 --> 01:17:55,588
All right, take me! Ravage me,
Your Majesty. A bargain is a bargain.
915
01:17:56,714 --> 01:18:00,093
- All right.
- Wait! You're not the king.
916
01:18:00,260 --> 01:18:05,139
True, true. I am the Count de Money...
De Monet, de Monet.
917
01:18:05,306 --> 01:18:09,435
But the king is temporarily indisposed.
You've come to the right place.
918
01:18:09,602 --> 01:18:10,728
Please.
919
01:18:16,192 --> 01:18:20,530
You seem troubled, my dear.
Let me help you.
920
01:18:22,448 --> 01:18:25,618
- I don't see how you can.
- Why not?
921
01:18:28,621 --> 01:18:31,791
I've decided to trade my virginity
for my father's freedom,
922
01:18:31,958 --> 01:18:36,421
and submit to the king's lustful wants.
923
01:18:36,588 --> 01:18:38,464
Oh, lustful wa...
924
01:18:42,218 --> 01:18:43,845
Chipped.
925
01:18:44,137 --> 01:18:48,099
This is the saddest night of my life.
926
01:18:49,809 --> 01:18:52,312
And the happiest night of mine.
927
01:18:54,230 --> 01:18:56,065
Excuse me.
928
01:19:01,821 --> 01:19:03,323
Count?
929
01:19:04,324 --> 01:19:06,492
Count de Money? Count de Money?
930
01:19:06,659 --> 01:19:09,245
De Monet... De Monet...
931
01:19:09,412 --> 01:19:11,706
Excuse me, did you see the count?
932
01:19:11,873 --> 01:19:14,042
He was here a moment ago...
933
01:19:14,834 --> 01:19:19,339
All right, Your Majesty. Please ravage me.
934
01:19:19,505 --> 01:19:21,674
Gee, I just ate. I want...
935
01:19:21,841 --> 01:19:25,011
- Take me, Your Majesty, take me!
- Where?
936
01:19:25,178 --> 01:19:31,935
Despoil me! Humiliate me!
Only do it! Do it! Hump! Hump! Hump!
937
01:19:32,101 --> 01:19:35,939
It's good to be the king.
Look, come here. Let's talk about this.
938
01:19:36,105 --> 01:19:38,608
Why don't we have
a wonderful candlelit dinner?
939
01:19:38,775 --> 01:19:42,362
Then a couple of magnums of wine,
see a few nude paintings.
940
01:19:42,528 --> 01:19:46,699
- Get in the mood, you know what I mean?
- Your Majesty, I don't understand.
941
01:19:46,866 --> 01:19:52,038
You said if I let you have your way with me,
you'd let my father out of the dungeon.
942
01:19:52,205 --> 01:19:54,749
Ah! That's what I said.
943
01:19:54,916 --> 01:19:58,586
Look, for all intents and purposes,
I'm the king, right?
944
01:19:58,753 --> 01:20:01,923
Why don't we go to my desk?
There must be a pardon in the desk,
945
01:20:02,090 --> 01:20:04,717
and we'll get your daddy
out of jail. Come on.
946
01:20:04,884 --> 01:20:09,555
Let's look through the desk. Must be
thousands of pardons in the king's desk.
947
01:20:09,722 --> 01:20:12,809
Here we go. OK.
948
01:20:13,393 --> 01:20:18,731
Execution, execution, execution,
execution, execution, ex... Tough guy.
949
01:20:18,898 --> 01:20:22,276
This can't be...
Must be a pardon somewhere. Let's see.
950
01:20:23,277 --> 01:20:28,157
Ah! One. One left. We're lucky. Yes.
951
01:20:28,908 --> 01:20:31,077
Let's see. Your father's name?
952
01:20:31,244 --> 01:20:32,620
Rimbaud.
953
01:20:32,787 --> 01:20:35,915
Rimbaud? How do you spell "R..."?
Oh, never mind.
954
01:20:36,082 --> 01:20:38,835
- Rimbaud. Is that French?
- Oui.
955
01:20:39,460 --> 01:20:44,298
All right. Here we go. July 14, 1789,
956
01:20:44,465 --> 01:20:47,927
signed by Louis...
quatorze, quinze, sixteen...
957
01:20:48,094 --> 01:20:51,389
- How do you say "sixteen" in French?
- Seize.
958
01:20:51,556 --> 01:20:55,435
Seize you. Good.
959
01:20:59,355 --> 01:21:05,445
Now, you give this to the head officer
at the jail, and he will set your father free.
960
01:21:06,195 --> 01:21:08,031
Your Majesty.
961
01:21:10,575 --> 01:21:14,162
Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet,
tweet, quack, tweet, tweet.
962
01:21:14,328 --> 01:21:17,832
Hello? No song for me today, Pierre?
963
01:21:17,999 --> 01:21:21,461
What's the matter with you?
Cat got your tongue?
964
01:21:21,627 --> 01:21:27,508
I was right. He got his tongue,
eyes and beak. The lot.
965
01:21:27,675 --> 01:21:30,053
Oh, dearie me.
966
01:21:30,219 --> 01:21:33,097
Not so lucky, Pierre
967
01:21:33,264 --> 01:21:39,479
Oh, you. You naughty pussy.
Naughty, naughty pussy.
968
01:21:39,645 --> 01:21:43,316
And now, to invent the catapult.
969
01:21:47,695 --> 01:21:49,363
He's in there.
970
01:21:52,575 --> 01:21:53,826
Father!
971
01:21:56,120 --> 01:21:58,623
Oh, my darling father, I have good news.
972
01:21:58,790 --> 01:22:00,333
You're free.
973
01:22:02,293 --> 01:22:07,507
Free! Did you hear that,
my little winged friends? Free. Free!
974
01:22:07,673 --> 01:22:11,219
And so, they shall be free too.
975
01:22:16,891 --> 01:22:20,144
Fly, my pretty one. Fly.
976
01:22:20,311 --> 01:22:24,357
Away! The sky is your playground.
977
01:22:24,524 --> 01:22:27,902
Happy landing, Mother, Mrs. Schultz.
978
01:22:28,069 --> 01:22:31,781
Hurry, father. Hurry,
before the king changes his mind.
979
01:22:31,948 --> 01:22:35,827
What a racket! How can I sleep?
980
01:22:35,993 --> 01:22:37,662
Guns, fireworks...
981
01:22:39,038 --> 01:22:40,748
Your Majesty!
982
01:22:42,416 --> 01:22:46,295
Quick, you've got to escape.
They're storming the palace.
983
01:22:46,462 --> 01:22:49,173
So that's the noise. The revolution!
984
01:22:49,340 --> 01:22:53,427
- Free, I'm free...
- My father, the man you pardoned.
985
01:22:53,594 --> 01:22:57,473
Thank you, Your Highness.
I thought I'd never live to see the day
986
01:22:57,640 --> 01:23:01,227
- when I would once again...
- Yes, yes.
987
01:23:03,229 --> 01:23:04,397
Dad!
988
01:23:05,940 --> 01:23:08,359
What fool put a carpet on the wall?
989
01:23:08,526 --> 01:23:10,194
- Hurry up.
- Quick, Dad.
990
01:23:10,361 --> 01:23:12,697
You're not as tall as you used to be.
991
01:23:12,864 --> 01:23:14,323
- I was wrong.
- Quick, follow me.
992
01:23:14,490 --> 01:23:16,075
Quick, hurry.
993
01:23:20,413 --> 01:23:23,457
What the... Who designed this place?
994
01:23:28,671 --> 01:23:31,090
That way, that way.
995
01:23:31,674 --> 01:23:35,887
- There he is.
- Wait, wait. You're making a big mistake.
996
01:23:36,053 --> 01:23:38,639
- In the name of the people of France...
- Fronce.
997
01:23:38,806 --> 01:23:43,769
...Fronce, we place you,
King Louis, under arrest.
998
01:23:43,936 --> 01:23:47,899
But, dot dot dot, you don't understand!
999
01:23:48,065 --> 01:23:51,611
Take him away. Take them all away.
1000
01:23:51,777 --> 01:23:54,780
No, wait! I'm with you.
1001
01:23:54,947 --> 01:23:59,285
Whee! Whee!
1002
01:24:17,595 --> 01:24:19,305
Oh, Jacques, Jacques.
1003
01:24:19,472 --> 01:24:23,976
Courage, my dear. Watch me,
and take heart by my example.
1004
01:24:24,602 --> 01:24:28,189
I may not have been born a king,
or lived like a king,
1005
01:24:28,648 --> 01:24:30,900
but I can die like a king.
1006
01:24:31,275 --> 01:24:34,612
Your Majesty? You're next.
1007
01:24:34,779 --> 01:24:38,115
- Do you require a blindfold?
- None.
1008
01:24:38,282 --> 01:24:40,618
- Have you any last words?
- None.
1009
01:24:40,785 --> 01:24:43,579
Test the guillotine.
1010
01:24:45,498 --> 01:24:48,334
Holy shit! Wait a minute, wait a minute.
1011
01:24:48,834 --> 01:24:52,338
- Last request, last request.
- What is your last request?
1012
01:24:52,505 --> 01:24:55,967
- Novocaine.
- Wait a moment.
1013
01:24:56,717 --> 01:25:00,471
There is no such thing
known to medical science.
1014
01:25:01,806 --> 01:25:04,642
- I'll wait.
- Seize him!
1015
01:25:04,809 --> 01:25:07,270
Off with his head! Off with his head!
1016
01:25:07,436 --> 01:25:10,356
Oh, please, listen to me. I'm not the king.
1017
01:25:10,523 --> 01:25:12,275
Bullshit!
1018
01:25:12,441 --> 01:25:14,694
It's a very hard crowd.
1019
01:25:14,860 --> 01:25:17,405
- Seize him.
- Wait. Wait a minute. Gimme a break.
1020
01:25:17,571 --> 01:25:21,826
- Put his head on the block.
- Wait, I don't want to die. Don't hurt me.
1021
01:25:34,755 --> 01:25:36,841
Only a miracle can save him.
1022
01:25:40,636 --> 01:25:42,221
It's Miracle!
1023
01:25:44,223 --> 01:25:46,684
I don't believe it! Josephus!
1024
01:25:46,851 --> 01:25:48,728
Whoa!
1025
01:25:48,894 --> 01:25:51,897
- Hey, baby! Get down. Get down.
- Jump!
1026
01:26:04,410 --> 01:26:07,621
How'd you get all the way here
from the Roman Empire?
1027
01:26:07,788 --> 01:26:12,335
Don't be square, mon cher.
Movies is magic.
1028
01:26:18,466 --> 01:26:20,509
We had better kiss soon.
1029
01:26:20,676 --> 01:26:25,222
- Why?
- We're coming to the end. See?
1030
01:26:25,765 --> 01:26:27,933
Oh, my darling...
1031
01:26:29,560 --> 01:26:31,687
Oh, my darling.
1032
01:26:35,358 --> 01:26:37,818
Looks like it's a big ending.
1033
01:26:50,956 --> 01:26:52,750
Wait! Where are you going?
1034
01:26:52,917 --> 01:26:58,631
Coming soon! Don't miss
History of the World Part II.
1035
01:26:58,798 --> 01:27:01,550
See Hitler on ice.
1036
01:27:15,689 --> 01:27:19,318
See a Viking funeral.
1037
01:27:39,130 --> 01:27:43,843
See Jews in space.
1038
01:27:47,888 --> 01:27:52,351
We're Jews out in space
1039
01:27:52,518 --> 01:27:55,521
We're zooming along,
protecting the Hebrew race
1040
01:27:55,688 --> 01:27:59,692
We're Jews out in space
1041
01:27:59,859 --> 01:28:03,863
If trouble appears,
we'll put it right back in its place
1042
01:28:04,029 --> 01:28:08,200
When goyim attack us
1043
01:28:08,367 --> 01:28:10,995
We'll give them a smack,
we'll slap them right back in the face
1044
01:28:27,887 --> 01:28:31,432
We're Jews out in space
1045
01:28:31,599 --> 01:28:38,606
We're zooming along,
protecting the Hebrew race
80212
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