All language subtitles for Its.always.sunny.in.philadelphia.S16E08.EDITH.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

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Everything looks good, Mr. Reynolds.

Your blood work is all normal.

Excellent. As expected, right?

Does look like your blood pressure's

- a little high, however. Um...
- Wait.

- I have high blood pressure?
- Well, yes, but

that's consistent with your last visit.

We might want to put you on a low dose

- of blood pressure medication.
- Oh... no.

Come on, Doc. Pills are for old men.

Well, we all get to a
certain age where we need...

Do we? I don't.

So, no.
I mean, you know, let-let's not...

Listen, I-I can see where
you're headed with this.

Let's-let's not go there, okay?

If I wanted my blood pressure to be low,
I would simply

command my body to make it low.

That's really not how chronic
high blood pressure works.

Okay, well, it is how it works
with Dennis Reynolds, okay?

And if I'm chronically
having high blood pressure,

it's because I'm
chronically suffering fools

who won't listen to me when
I say that I can do things.

Uh, you know what, Doc? It's fi...

I'm gonna take control of this, okay?

Don't you worry about a thing

'cause Dennis Reynolds is gonna

figure this all out on his own.

_

There we go.

Blood pressure.

Pulse. Resting heart rate,
syncs right to the phone.

And it records everything.

This is perfect.

Now I'll have proof I can smash
in that stupid doctor's face.

- Yeah.
- Oh, hey, Dennis.

Uh, a-are we above or below sea level?

- What?
- Tell him about the family-style cooking.

Yeah, so we're doing

some family-style cooking now,
and we got this,

like, industrial-grade pressure cooker.

- Mm.
- Pretty badass, man,

but, you know, we got to make sure

we're above sea level just to be safe.

Well, we can't be below sea level.

Otherwise, we'd be underwater.

But if it's under sea level,

- it may explode.
- That's our big worry.

That this sucker's gonna explode.

You can't take a pressure
cooker under the sea.

- It's not gonna explode.
- Yeah, that's not

- how pressure cookers work.
- Yeah.

You're telling me that you can't bring
a pressure cooker onto a submarine?

How do they feed the entire U.S. Navy?

- They don't pressure-cook the shit, Mac.
- Navy argument.

- Navy argument...
- Stop! Stop! All of you, okay?

They have, like,
a grill or something.

I'm calling mental health day.

Mental health day?

What kind of cuckoo shit is that?

It's a new thing.
It's like a sick day

but for your brain,
and if somebody calls it,

you have to give it to 'em,
you can't ask any questions.

Are you calling that?
Are you taking that for real?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah,
I'm calling mental health day, okay?

- And I'm gonna drive out to the beach...
- Ooh.

...and spend the entire day
just staring at the ocean.

Isn't your car in the shop? I'm sorry.

That's, uh,
not a question about mental health.

- That's a question of logistics.
- Ah, damn it. No, you're right.

Hey, Dennis, I'll come drive you.

I could use a beach day.

Oh, shit. You know what?
This could be a good way

to find out whether or not
we're, uh, underwater.

We can take the cooker there, yeah.

- We're gonna bring the cooker, too.
- No. No. Goddamn it! Do you hear that beeping?

That means stop. No!

This is my mental health day,
and none of you

are a part of it. Goddamn it!

- Hi.
- Hi. How can I help you today?

Uh, yeah, I have a reservation
under the name Reynolds.

- Okay, let me check that out for you.
- All right.

Wow. That's a lot of typing
you're having to do there.

- You writing a novel?
- Oh, I'm sorry.

We have no more vehicles
available in that class.

No, no, no, I made a reservation.

Sometimes our system double-books,

so that's our mistake, and we are happy

- to offer you a complimentary upgrade.
- Okay.

This is the Tsuma EVS,
a fully-electric car

with touch screen controls,
automated steering

made right here in America.

Oh, these are awesome. I've seen these.

- These are really cool.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, yeah, no. I-I...
I accept, and I'll take those keys.

- There are no keys.
- Aha.

- There's an app.
- Oh, right.

- An app.
- Mm-hmm.

Boy, I got tell you, I...
I, uh, I don't love that.

I, uh, have a lot of apps
on my phone already,

and, uh, keys are sort of a system

that have existed for millennia.

I don't know why we're
trying to fix that, but, uh,

yeah, no, now we got apps.

We got...
we got apps for everything, right?

Even for things we
already had things for.

I guess, uh,
since my blood pressure's going up,

really spiking here, I'm just gonna...

I'm gonna go with it.
We're gonna download the app.

Right? What's one more app?

The phone is the key now. Simple.

This is nice. Smooth ride, it's quiet.

Try this automated steering thing.

Hey.

Hey!

That is awesome.

Time to kick this mental health day off

with some feel-good plant tonic.

My good friend, Mr. Kratom.

Uh, this stuff's gnarly as hell, though.

I need some... some kind of a mixer.

Uh, Tsuma,
direct me to the nearest tea shop.

Rerouting to Teaspoon.

Holy shit.

Tsuma, play... Roxette.

Now playing Roxette,

"Listen to Your Heart."

That is so cool.

I'll just sit here and enjoy the ride,
I guess.

This car's nailing it.

♪ I know there's something
in the wake of your smile ♪

♪ I get a notion ♪

- ♪ From the look in your eyes... ♪
- Hi.

- Uh, one herbal tea, please.
- Which flavor?

Flavor. Uh, I don't know. Jasmine?

Uh, sorry, I meant for the boba.

The little spheres

of, uh, tapioca and sugar?

The tea comes with boba.

Well, it doesn't

because I see the tea right there,

and I see the boba over there,

so why don't we just
not combine 'em, yeah?

You know, so, I'll take the tea

without the covert diabetes
delivery mechanism, please.

The system won't let me do that.

Okay. Yeah. No, fine.

One boba, please.

We'll call it a mental health day treat.

Self-care, right?
Isn't that what people call it

whenever they need an excuse to
do whatever the fuck they want?

- I don't know.
- Yeah, I know. Of course you don't.

Of course you don't.
One chewy sugar tea, please.

All right. Uh, you can scan the code.

Uh, why?

Because the code takes you to the app.

That's two apps today, yeah.

Got apps for everything, you know?

Even though I'm already
talking to the person

that, uh,
could just take my order right here,

but I got to download an app, right?

How about this?

I have cash, you have tea.

Why don't we just streamline things?

We don't take cash, though.

Yeah. How about cards? Take cards?

- Uh, yes.
- Oh, great.

But there is a ten-dollar minimum.

There's no minimum on the app, though.

Sorry. It's, uh...

It's not your fault.

You know, you didn't create the system.

The system is just... It is what it is,

and, yeah,
we're both victims here, so...

What?

Uh, nothing.

Two boba teas, please.

- ♪ Listen to your heart ♪
- Oh, shit.

♪ Take a listen to it ♪

♪ There's nothing else you can do ♪

♪ I don't know where you're going ♪

♪ And I don't know why... ♪

Ugh! Oh.

That is rough.

Oh.

Ugh! Aah!

It's so sweet.

Good, though. It's good.

What do you mean, "Key not found"?

Key not found? Th-There is no key.

The key is my...

...phone.

Where's my phone? Where's my phone?

Goddamn it, where's my phone?

Ah, shit. Ugh! Yes. What?

- Hey, Dennis. Hey, man.
- Hey. - Hey.

Hey, uh, real quick.
You know that French dip

of yours in the fridge. Can we eat that?

No, that French dip has been in
the fridge for a month, dude.

Do not eat it and do not call me!

- We already ate it.
- Yeah, we ate it.

- It's been eaten.
- I told 'em not to eat it.

Dee tried to tell us
not to eat it, but look, anyway,

we're just calling now so you
don't get mad at us later. All right?

Yeah, we're hoping
that you get mad out there

and then you come back and you're happy.

Do not expect that sandwich

when you get back,
'cause it's gone, okay?

But don't worry about it.
It has been pressure-cooked.

- Yeah, we pressure-cooked the shit out of it.
- What do you mean?

No, you cannot pressure-cook
a French dip.

Oh, yeah, you can, and I guarantee

- that the U.S. Navy is down on their submarine...
- Don't. Don't talk!

- Don't talk. Don't. Stop.
- ...with their pressure cooker.

No more phone calls! No more!

Fantastic.

Hello, Officer.

License and registration.

- Uh, well, this is a rental, actually.
- Hmm.

Turn the car off.

Yeah. I, uh...
I can't because I don't have a key.

Uh, well, technically there is no key.

My phone is the key, and...

I don't have a phone.

Step out of the car, sir.

Uh, you know, I'd really rather not

because I'm afraid if I get out,
then, um,

I'm not gonna be able
to start the car again.

Sir, out of the car, please.

Right. You don't care.

All right, stepping out.

Well, who could've predicted that?

Hi. Good afternoon.
Fine, and you? Thanks for asking.

Listen, my name is Dennis Reynolds,

and I'm on a family plan
under the name Frank Reynolds,

and I need a new phone, please.

Okay, I can help you with that here.

Great.

Frank Reynolds, mm-hmm.

- My name's not that long.
- So,

looks like I can get you
a replacement phone here.

Can have it to you by
end of day tomorrow.

Uh, no, that's-that's not gonna work.
I need it today.

Unfortunately,
the phones are at our warehouse, so...

Tell me about those,

- 'cause those look like phones.
- Those aren't the phones.

- Those aren't the phones?
- No.

Hey, those aren't the phones, guys, so,

you know, just so you know.
Those are just boxes

filled with phones
that aren't the phones.

- Phones for new customers.
- Oh, for new customer, right.

Not for old customers.
Not for the paying customers,

the people who have been
paying for months and months,

for years and years and years and years.

Let's punish those people
and give the phones

that are right there
to the new customers.

It's just how the system works.

Yeah, well, mm, that system.

I've been running up against it all day.

Well, I'll tell you what, pal.
I am not mad at you, okay?

I am mad at the system.

Okay, but unfortunately
the system isn't here

for me to direct
my frustrations at it, s...

Good. Let's try something else.

Um, what if we add a new line

to the Frank Reynolds family plan?

Would that make me a new customer?

Yeah, I can do that.
I just need your PIN.

Right, 'cause the PIN's
the key to the phone,

and the phone's the key to the car,
and everything's been streamlined.

Excuse me, please.
I need to make a call on my watch.

- Are you sure this is gonna work?
- Charlie,

diamonds are made under pressure.

This is a pressure cooker.

We're going to cook diamonds.
It's very linear.

So genius.

I just can't believe no one's
ever thought of this before.

- We're gonna be rich, man.
- Oh, I know.

- It's Dennis.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh, do not answer it.

- It's a mental health day test.
- A test. Mm.

- Test?
- Mm-hmm.

In my day, if you wanted
to get out of work, you...

you hit yourself with a hammer

or you got gnawed by a
shark or something simple.

No, not gonna pick up now.
No, wh-wh-why would he? Unreal.

Uh, let's try... 69-69.

Okay.

- Yeah, that's it.
- That worked?

You're all set.

- Seriously?
- That's it.

- This is the phone?
- That's the phone.

I'm gonna open the box,
I'm gonna turn it on,

the phone's going to work?

Yup. It's gonna work. It's your phone.

Whoo!

Why won't you talk to each other?!

Talk! Talk! Talk! Talk!

Talk! Talk!

Dennis Reynolds.

D, E, "N" as in Nancy...

License plate... "B" as in boy,

SX355.

I'm sorry. I didn't get that.

Yeah, no, I know you didn't get it
'cause I didn't say it.

I didn't say what it was.

Did you say "January"?

No, I didn't say "January."
I didn't say anything.

I didn't give a month,
I didn't give a day.

Representative. No, representative.

Human! Human!

Oh.

D, E, "N" as in "neighbor,"

I, S.

Dennis Reynolds.

"D" as in "Deliver me from this!"

"E" as in "Engage with human."

"N" as in "nightmare"!

"N" as in "nightmare"!
"I" as in "Is this real?!"

"S" as in "Somebody help me!"

There has to be a way to
open this goddamn car!

How do I open the car?!

Dennis Reynolds.

D, E,

"N" as in "never-ending."

- "N" as in...
- Thank you for calling

- Tsuma Customer Care.
- Never gonna help me.

Your call is very important to us.

Please enter your 17-digit VIN.

Please say your name.

- Dennis Reynolds.
- Got it. Let me transfer you.

Thank you for calling
Tsuma Customer Care.

My name is Daisy. May I please
have your name and 17-digit VIN?

No. No, no, no, no. No.

I just ent... I ju...

I just entered all that
information into the system.

- I'm sorry, sir. I get it, but I do...
- That-That's okay. No, no.

That's okay. Daisy, was it?

Listen, don't be sorry, okay?
I'm not mad at you.

I'm a little upset,
but I'm upset at the situation, okay?

And-and the situation is this, Daisy.

If you'll just give me a
second and indulge me, okay?

My new phone won't talk to my car.

Okay, so I called
the car rental company,

and they put me on with a supervisor

who told me to call Tsuma Roadside,

so I called Tsuma Roadside.

Spoke to someone over there

who put me on with another supervisor

who told me to call the service center.

So I called the service center,
spoke to about...

I don't know...
two, three morons over there

who had no answers for me whatsoever.

They put me on with one
of their supervisors,

and that person told me to call
the car rental company again.

So I called the car rental company,

then roadside, service center,
rental company,

roadside, service center,
rental company,

roadside, service center,
and around and around

and around like that
for hours and hours,

until finally someone
had the presence of mind

to let me know there's a
goddamn customer care line.

Okay, so I called the customer care line

and now I find myself
talking to you, Daisy,

my little wildflower.

And you ask me to enter in my VIN

and my date of birth again,

information which I already
entered into your system.

Okay, now, now, listen, Daisy, Daisy,

bear with me here, okay?

I know you didn't create
the system, okay?

So you are not to blame.

But somebody did create the system,

and I would very much
like to blame that person.

So... who is that?

Sir, I'm sorry. Who is...?

Who is the person who created
your customer service system

in such a way
that the information entered

into the computer isn't passed on

to the human representative?!

Sir, I don't know.
I can send you to one of my supervisors.

No, no, no, no, no. No, Dai... no.

No, don't send me
to a supervisor, Daisy.

Daisy, Daisy...

it's just you and me.

Just you and me, Daisy,
fighting the good fight

against a broken system engineered

to drive us both so crazy

that we have to take days off

for our mental health!

Daisy?

Yes?

The Tsuma. It's made in America, right?

Yes, it is.

Where?

Yup. Great, wonderful.

All right, yes, okay. Yup.

Oh, let me call you back.

Hello. How are you?

I've been better.

I've been worse.

Is the CEO in?

I'm sorry. Uh, who are you?

Dennis Reynolds.

D, E, "N" as in "Nancy," N, I, S.

Tsuma customer for, uh,

oh, six hours and 17 minutes.

I have some helpful feedback

that I would very much like
to pass on to your boss.

Oh.

Can I get you a water or something?

Listen, I have traveled

through blistering sun and
pouring rain to get here,

so, if you don't mind, I'll just wait.

Uh, he is not in the office

this week,

but customer feedback is
very important to him,

so, if you'd like
to leave him a message,

I'll make sure he gets it.

If I leave you a message,

can you assure me

that you will get this to him?

Absolutely. I'll make sure he gets it

when he gets back from the beach house.

- The beach, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

I was supposed to go to the beach today.

- That's nice.
- Yeah.

How about that, huh?

Which beach?

Brandon, dinner's ready!

Hi.

♪ I know there's something
in the wake of your smile ♪

♪ I get a notion from the
look in your eyes, yeah ♪

♪ You've built a love,
but that love falls apart ♪

♪ Your little piece of heaven ♪

♪ Turns too dark ♪

♪ Listen to your heart ♪

♪ When he's calling for you ♪

♪ Listen to your heart ♪

♪ There's nothing else you can do ♪

♪ I don't know where you're going ♪

♪ And I don't know why ♪

♪ But listen to your heart ♪

♪ Before you tell him goodbye ♪

♪ Sometimes you wonder if
this fight is worthwhile ♪

♪ The precious moments are
all lost in the tide, yeah ♪

♪ They're swept away ♪

♪ And nothing is what is seems ♪

- ♪ The feeling of belonging ♪
- ♪ Belonging ♪

♪ To your dreams ♪

♪ Listen to your heart ♪

♪ When he's calling for you ♪

♪ Listen to your heart ♪

♪ There's nothing else you can do ♪

♪ I don't know where you're going ♪

♪ And I don't know why ♪

♪ But listen to your heart ♪

♪ Before you tell him goodbye. ♪

This is a medical marvel.

You lowered your blood pressure

by 20 points in less
than a minute, but how?

Well, just let off a little steam,
all naturally.

Told you, Dr. Tsuma.

Hmm.

Oh. Excuse me.

- Hello?
- Oh, hey, Dennis.

Uh, are-are we above or below sea level?

I'll be right in.

- synced and corrected by sot26 -
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