All language subtitles for Joke Man [2023] [1080p] EN

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A girl goes to the
gynecologist, says,

"Doc, I'm freaking out.

I'm freaking out.

I keep finding postage stamps
from Costa Rica in my vagina."

He examines her, he says,

"Lady, those aren't
postage stamps.

Those are the stickers
from bananas."

I always say,

Jackie made the biggest blunder
in show business history.

He decided to enter it.

There's very few
people like him.

♪ I'm smoking pot. ♪

♪ I got my dick out. ♪

Good night everybody!

♪ And I'm thinking about you. ♪

Funny's the first word
and a fun guy.

Welcome to Vegas.

Come on!

I've always liked
making people laugh

and I don't know why.

The old couple is sitting
in the living room

and the wife turns her husband

and she says, "Let's
go upstairs and fuck."

And he says, "I don't
know if I could do both."

Just his laugh would
make you start laughing.

What do you call a Jewish
vagina, a can't.

What he does in his show
is not credited nearly enough

for what it really is.

To watch Jackie walk
up to the microphone.

It's like watching Babe Ruth
leave the on deck circle

to tell a joke.

And he gets up there and he,

before the first
thing he says is,

two flies land on a
piece of shit.

Two flies land on a
piece of shit.

The first one lifts his leg
and goes (blows raspberry),

second one says, "Come on
man, I'm trying to eat."

People might
criticize and say,

"Oh, he only tells jokes.

On stage, that's part of it.

But the guy works hard.

Thank you my whole life.

Here, happy birthday.

Bye you guys, thank you
so much for coming out.

There's always action.

There's always action
with Jackie.

You bring up Jackie to any
of these like famous comedians.

They all have that, no bullshit,

that serious respect of
Jackie and the jokes.

They all stop and they
get a little serious

and they'll go, "Ah, he fucked
it up with Howard Stern."

I think Jackie is greatly
affected by the misperceptions

of his personality
and intentions

that were perpetrated by
Howard on the Stern show.

Guys says to his wife,

"Were you faking it last night?"

She says, "Nah, I was
really asleep."

So for the people
that don't know,

I'm with Jackie, the Joke Man,

the head writer of the Howard
Stern Show for 15 years.

Right?

15 years.

I met him in 1983, but
went full-time in 1986.

Right.

My house that I grew up in,

my mother and father
are downstairs

and they've built a partition

and my aunt and uncle
are upstairs.

So it's my mother and my
father, my father's brother,

and my mother's sister.

For the first two years of
my life, I had four parents.

They must have watched every
poop, every pee, every step.

Everything I did,

I was the center of
attention for four adults.

After two years, my
mother had another kid,

my aunt had a kid, my father
started drinking more.

So for the last 69 years
I've been going,

"Where the fuck did
everybody go?"

And that's what caused me.

Now, I don't know if that
holds any water,

but it's as good an
explanation as any, you know.

Jackie will tell you
he had a tough childhood,

but he's always enjoyed
the limelight.

He's just naturally
really funny.

I think we inherited
funny from this family,

because I think with
this family,

while we were thrown a
lot of really good times.

We were thrown a lot of
really hard times too.

And I think you have
to have funny

to get through those times.

They didn't have the
easiest of childhoods

and there was always substance
stuff in this family.

So I think people coped
and adapted through humor.

My parents' marriage
really deteriorated

through the sixties.

When my father was drinking,

we were all crazy and my
brother was a fuck up.

It was a lot going on.

So it was tough, we had six
family deaths in two years.

My brother's suicide, then
my father died,

then my sister's husband died,

then my aunt died, then
my cousin's husband died.

We almost had a shuttle going
to the family grave, you know?

But you live through it,
you know what I mean?

You know, I had a
crazy family.

I went to school at
Michigan State.

It's the Midwest, it's a
different world.

And my roommate's from Detroit,

I mean this guy Nick used to,

his parents would come and
visit and when they left,

he'd kiss his father
goodbye on the lips.

Wow.

My mother used to
sign her letters to me.

I love you when
you're in Michigan.

And that used to drive
him crazy like,

"Man, that's your mom."

I said, "Yeah, it's my
fucking mother

and that's our relationship
and she means it."

The minute I walk in the
door, it's a world war.

My favorite of all Jackie
and his mom's stories

is when Jackie was
driving up to college

with his buddies
going to Michigan

and his mom decided that
she wanted to come along

and they had a pail so
they could all pee in it

so they didn't have to stop.

So the windows were open,

his mom's sitting in
the backseat

and Jackie pees in a pail

and then goes to throw the pail,
the pee,

out the window and the
wind grabs it

and just puts all the
pee back into

the freaking backseat window
right into his mother's face.

Jackie's pee all over his
mother's face.

My sixth grade report card,

Mr. Devine wrote, "Jackie's
an excellent student,

but sometimes he has fun
at the expense of others."

Oh my God, that that just said,

I've never told you that
for, oh, he is just amazing.

Jackie is all about
the ball bust.

I think it's in his DNA.

And no matter how hard
he breaks your balls,

fortunately it's funny.

My friends from Syosset
were over at Oyster Bay

and we had all just
got our licenses

and we're all drinking
and crazy and having fun.

And my buddy Iacovelli
was driving the car.

Anything about poop would
make him nuts.

And we're driving and
the guys from Syosset

were right behind us

and we're high school kids,

what are we gonna, let's, how
are we gonna freak them out?

How are we gonna freak them out?

So I was always mooning people,

so I'm gonna moon them
and pull my pants down

and I got my ass all
the way out,

like hanging on all the way
out and I'm outta my mind

and I shit.

I shit, and I'm like,

And Iacovelli is like,
"What are you doing?"

I said, "I'm shitting."

And he's like,

And he's trying to drive
and I'm laughing my ass off.

He said, "You are not."

And I wiped some on my finger

and wiped it on the windshield.

I said, "Look over here Mike."

He almost drove into a tree,
oh my God.

This one time a guy
called up and said,

"Howard, Jackie is so
disgusting."

And he's like, "What
are you talking about?"

And he says,

"Years ago we were
driving in a van

and Jackie mooned
everybody outside the van

on a highway while the
van was moving.

And he took a dump out the van."

Anybody else you might think,
"Oh my God, that's wrong."

He might lie and say it
never happened.

Real casual, Jackie went,
"Yeah, that's a harvest moon."

I had to pull my car over.

He's trying to embarrass
me and I got a name for it.

Like, not only was he not
embarrassed, he was proud of it.

He was kind of famous
in Oyster Bay,

right from the beginning.

If you look at his high
school yearbook,

he's cutest, cutest couple,
funniest, most dramatic.

He's got like seven of those.

He was very, very popular
in high school.

We started a band.

Jackie had this leader characteristic

and I knew he was very energetic

and very popular with the girls.

We were absolutely terrible,

but 15 or 16 years old, we
thought we were rock stars.

It was really great.

Jackie was a gymnast
when he was young.

Floor exercises.

They didn't have all
the fancy mats

and I was like, "They didn't?

Oh my God."

So he was quite the athlete.

When you see that footage,

you can't really
believe it's him.

He was really a
phenomenal gymnast.

I still have a gymnastic body.

You know, when I
graduated from college,

I would be in a bar and I'd say,

"Gimme a dollar and
I'll do a flip,"

and somebody would
gimme a dollar

and I'd do a back flip
standing there

and then get a beer.

I did that.

I did that a lot.

It was fun.

It was stupid.

People come up and say,

"Here's a dollar, do a
flip like a monkey, do it.

Here we are in a bar.

One end of the bar is a drunk,

the other end of the
bar is a woman

in a very tight, low
cut black dress

waving feverishly for
the bartender.

And she has an
incredibly hairy armpit.

The drunk says,

"Gimme a drink and give
a drink to the ballerina

at the other end."

The bartender says,

"How do you know she's
a ballerina?"

He says, "Who else could
get her leg up that high?"

It's 1955 and I'm in
third grade.

I had a very small gang.

And we're sitting there and
my cousin walked in the door

and he took a piece of
paper out of his pocket

and he read a parody to "The
Night before Christmas."

And it was filthy.

And he's reading it and
the guys were mesmerized,

they were enchanted, they
were laughing,

they were instantly.

And I, something in my third
grade mind looking around,

must have clicked and said,

"This is cool" or "This is, wow,
look at."

And I just have remembered
every joke, dirty or clean,

since then.

I could never stop telling jokes

I used to drive people crazy.

My band in high school, I used
to tell jokes between songs,

which not only made
the crowd nuts,

it made the guys in
the band nuts.

Like, shut the fuck up.

I'm in college and
we're playing,

but I got an audience,
we're playing rock,

we're playing Rolling Stones.

And then I'm telling
a dick joke.

It's like, what are you doing?

And then I escaped from
Michigan State

and went out to Colorado

and worked
construction for a while.

And I realized I can't do this.

So after we graduated
from college,

we didn't know what to do
with our lives.

Jackie was working
construction out in Denver.

I was, you know, doing nothing.

Basically.

I took a trip to Denver
where Jackie was

and he says, "Why don't we
get the band back together?"

We can earn lots of money
and play rock and roll

and get laid and it's
gonna be great.

And that was when we formed
the Off Hour Rockers.

♪ Another glass of fool's gold.
♪

There was a lot of comedy

in the Off Hour Rockers act.

Bates would pour his heart
out singing to the girls

and then Jackie would
charge things up

and tell a bunch of jokes.

And all in all, it
was really fun.

When they ended the band,

he had the bright idea to
go out and try to do comedy

on his own.

Because essentially that's what
he'd been doing at the gigs.

I was a very bad musician.

And when I realized I was
never gonna make a nickel,

I quit music and to steal a
line from Rodney Dangerfield,

when I quit music, I was the
only one who knew I quit.

So this is "The Sea Shanty"
I wrote.

It's called

"The Shrimps are Coming
in on the Shrimp Boats,

but the Crabs are Coming in
on the Captain's Dinghy."

When we had a band in
the seventies,

We used to tell jokes
and play original songs.

And I mean jokes, and
jokes and jokes.

We played to the same
crowd every week.

I used to go to the bar

and on break and somebody
would come up and say,

"All right, I got one for you."

And I used to, I'd
literally say,

"All right, I'll count down
from 10 and when I get to zero,

if I don't know the joke,
I'll buy you a drink."

That's 1975.

And I never bought
anybody a drink

because I have a
mathematical mind.

So if a guy says a
priest and a nun,

they're going down a
river in a canoe.

Two seconds into it,

"Oh, this is the cowboy
and the Indian

going across the desert."

You know what I mean?

I could just see the
matchups and the parallels

and as silly as that sounds,

I mean I knew all
the jokes then.

What's a Jewish dilemma?

Pork on sale.

What did one condom
say to the other

as they passed the gay bar?

Let's go in and
get shit-faced.

What's the difference
between a refrigerator

and a homosexual?

Refrigerator doesn't fart
when you take your meat out.

How do you think of-

You can applaud at
any fucking time!

Jackie will say that
he's remembered every joke

he's ever heard since
he was eight years old

and I believe him.

I mean, when we were
doing the joke hunt,

I would randomly just
give him a topic

and he would rattle off jokes.

And not just any jokes.

They were funny jokes.

I mean, he's a savant.

What's your name here?

Diane.

What do you do, Diane?

Secretary?

Confucius say,
secretary not permanent

until screwed on desk.

We made the venues, we
would go to bars and say,

"Hey, when this band is done
playing their rock and roll,

can we go up on that stage?"

And they would go, "What?"

I said, "We're comedians."

"If you want to, dude."

If you were a comedian,

you were basically
interrupting somebody's dinner.

People are sitting there
eating and all of a sudden,

"Oh no."

"Hey, how's everybody doing?"

You know, it's, "Oh, shut up."

You know?

I mean, that's what it was.

Someone shoves you out there
and there's a spotlight.

The forks hit the plate
and everybody's gonna stop

and see what this asshole
has to say for himself.

They would throw bottles
at us, they would yell.

And we started doing that.

And then we started going to
clubs where he had folk guitar

players and say, what is
your worst night?

They said, "Well, it's Sunday."

"Give us that night."

"You won't make any money here."

And Jackie said, "Hey,
we'll just take the door."

So the guy said, "Okay,
but we get like 12 people."

And within three weeks there's
180 people at the door.

My next couple of jokes
are brought to you by

the new kosher Ex-Lax,
let my people go.

I was going to
Dangerfield's trying to get on

and I couldn't get on.

Meanwhile, I'm
drinking at the bar.

As long as I was drinking at
the bar, they kept telling me,

you're going on later.

I might have seen that
a glimpse of Dangerfield

once or twice go by.

When I first started
doing comedy,

I lived in my grandmother's
house after she passed away.

And my friend Richie
Minervini, who to this day,

is a dear friend, would come
and stay with us sometimes.

And one day he walked
in and said,

"Hey, what a night I
had last night.

I was at Dangerfield's.

And I went on and I
did so great.

And Rodney came up and
put his arm around me

and said, 'Kid, I love you
and I'm gonna use you on TV,'"

blah, blah.

And this is long before Rodney
had any kind of TV going.

It's like 1978.

And I'm like, wow.

And I was so jealous.

So I just sat down and
every joke I could think of

that I told or knew
or ever heard,

I typed into a Rodney
Dangerfield delivery.

Next time Richie walked in,
I said,

"You gotta give this
to your friend Rodney."

And he said, this is
true story, swear to you.

He says, "Oh man."

I actually never met the guy.

He goes, "What?"

I'm like, "You motherfucker!"

And he goes, "Yeah, but
I was there."

And I swear to God,

he pulled a matchbook
out of his pocket

with Rodney and said,
Dangerfield's,

like 1001 First Ave.,
whatever it is.

And I already had envelopes,

so I just hand wrote the
address and mailed it.

9,999 other people
who are funny,

or even people who write
jokes who wish

that maybe Rodney Dangerfield
might be interested

in their jokes.

But Jackie Martling is the
person who actually thinks

it's a possibility,

or at least he's gonna
write that letter

and he's gonna walk down to
the post office and mail it.

He's tenacious.

He doesn't stop.

He's a bulldog.

Yeah, he's gonna get that
bone one way or another.

You know he's gonna go
get that bone.

Two days later I'm
sitting at lunch,

my grandmother's dead.

Everybody she knows is dead.

Nobody's got this phone
number and the phone rings.

I'm like, my girlfriend
and I having lunch,

say "Hello, who's this?"

"It's Rodney."

I said, "Rodney, who?"

"Oh, I knew you were
fucking funny.

I knew you were funny."

And Lois goes, "Who is it?"

"It's Rodney Dangerfield."

"Who is it?

Richie?"

"It's fucking Rodney."

"Hey, you know, there's
some funny shit here.

There's some really
fucking funny stuff.

I love this stuff.

Come to Westbury, you know,
we'll hang out

and I'll buy a couple
of these jokes."

It was like I died and
went to heaven.

And we went to Westbury and
went in the dressing room

and I got blue jeans
with holes in them

and a ponytail down my back.

And my girlfriend's 10 years
younger and she's beautiful.

And we walk,

"Oh, what the fuck?

What the fuck with hair
with the blue jeans.

She's brilliant.

You want a piece of fruit?

No, she's really beautiful.

Hey, some funny Two Bagger,
fucking funniest jokes

I've heard.

She's really pretty, you know?

Hey, you want some fruit?"

Yeah, yeah.

This is the first stuff I
sent to Rodney.

Here it is.

This is my claim to
fame with Rodney.

This is what sealed me with him.

The Tennessee Two Bagger joke.

No,
I'll tell you,

this girl was old, fat and ugly.

Yeah, ugly joke.

How ugly?

I'll tell you.

She was so ugly, she was
known as a Two Bagger.

That's a girl who's so ugly

you go out with her, you
put a bag over your head

in case the bag over
her head breaks.

So he sent me a check for
200 bucks for four jokes.

And I badgered him
for two years.

Take me away with you,

take me away with you,

take me away with you.

When the phone rings
and it's Rodney,

"Hey, how you doing?

You wanna go to Vegas?

Come on, we'll go to
Vegas on me.

You know, you're a pain
my fucking ass."

And we flew to Las Vegas,

was Easter of 1980 and
it was a gasoline strike.

The place was a morgue.

So we're stoned and drunk
and out of our minds.

He says, "Let's get the
fuck outta here."

So we're walking back
to the Aladdin drunk,

stoned, coked up, all fucked up.

And like the sun's coming
up and I'm in euphoric

heaven, I, you know, pinch me,

pinch me for two weeks
now pinch me.

Walk along and he goes,
"You gotta take a leak?"

I, "Well you know how
much beer I drink.

I can always pee."

He says, "Come on."

And instead of going
into the Aladdin

and into the hotel and go
in the bathroom,

we walk behind the hotel
where the dumpsters are

and the dumpsters are
the size of a McDonald's.

And he walks up to a
dumpster and starts peeing.

So I go up to this dumpster
and I start peeing.

And while we're standing there
pissing on the dumpsters,

he turned to me and said,
"Welcome to the big time."

I said,

"Do you have any idea
how many times

I'm gonna tell that story?"

He said, "Have a party.

What do I care?

Have a party."

I think he works hard
to be in the right place

at the right time.

The guy does what it takes.

Every day he did "Use
Your Finger" joke line.

He didn't have to do that.

But he was smart.

And he was smart about
the publicity

and he was willing to
do the work.

Guy say "Doc, doc, I ate
apples, apples come out.

I eat bananas, bananas come out.

Doc says, "Easy, eat shit."

When I first started
working with Jackie,

our office was in the
attic of his mom's house.

That's where the dial
a joke machines were.

When I started working
with him there were four.

We ended up with 12 machines.

My favorite thing
about 516-922-WINE

is that it's still still going.

If you dial it right now.

Hello, this is Jackie.

You know how much I love
it when you use your finger

and dial 516-922-WINE.

Couple is in the living room.

He says, "You're dry tonight."

She says, "You're
licking the rug."

When we started comedy
on Long Island,

we needed a way to advertise
and we had no money.

I got the bright idea.

Let me get a telephone
line, put jokes on it,

and I'll tell a joke and
then say that we're gonna be

at the Cinnamon in Huntington
and tell another joke.

Immediately, it was always busy.

10 lines, 10 Phonemate machines

with one minute dubs in each.

And the last machine had
a counter on it.

It was actually Nancy's machine.

And the counter went
to 99 and that machine

only went off if all
nine were engaged.

And the tenth one went to 99,
three or four times a day.

It was like five or
10,000 calls a day

from all over the world.

At some point, Rick Dees,
who was a famous disc jockey

from Los Angeles, without
me knowing it,

he was calling my joke line
on his weekly top 40 show,

which was a, they put
it on a disc

and they sent it out to
all the different stations.

And one day my sister said,

"Hey, we heard 922-WINE
on the radio."

And I'm like, "How
cool is that?"

But as time went on,

I was making dial joke
dirtier and dirtier.

And one day Rick Dees
called me up,

"They've gotten too dirty.

I can't, there's
none I can use."

He said it's so funny

because I give him 516-922-9463.

And I tell them, it's Tom
Selleck's home phone number.

And so that's, so the line
was going nuts.

And he said, "Would you do
jokes for me that I could use?"

And I said, "All right."

And he said,

"Well, I'll just say you're
a dentist from Encino

that's a nut and likes
to record dirty jokes."

And I said, "How does
that help me?"

And he says, "Gimme,
let me think."

And he calls back the next day.

He says, "How about how this?

You're Jackie 'the Joke Man'
Martling,

the crazy guy from New York
that knows all the jokes.

I said, "Sold."

I never hear a new joke.

Never hear a new joke.

I heard a new joke.

A Dirty Johnny joke.

This is for you, first
time ever to an audience.

If it sucks, it's your fault.

Teacher says the
third grade class,

"Okay, what do you wanna
do when you grow up?"

and Dirty Johnny says,

"When I grow up, I wanna
get really rich

and have a lot of stuff.

I wanna have a big boat
and a big house

and I want my own plane and
I want a whore on the plane.

I wanna go around the
world having a lot of fun."

She's like, "Whoa, Johnny.

Okay Johnny.

Thank you.

Mary, what do you wanna
do when you grow up?"

She says, "I wanna be
Johnny's whore."

I think Jackie's very
down to earth

and he is very personable.

I think he's smarter than
most people realize that,

he's very smart.

He's a very well-read,
intelligent guy.

Unfortunately, he was
always treated like

kind of the drunken buffoon.

You know, I don't
think I ever had

an intelligent
conversation with Jackie.

Jackie is like the Forest
Gump of the comedy world

in that he always seems
to find himself

at the right place at
the right time

with the most
interesting people.

How eclectic is
Jackie Martling?

He would hang out with Les Paul,

the most famous
guitarist in the world.

He loved Jackie.

Willie Nelson.

Well first of all, he's
got a great sis of humor.

And you gotta be able to
enjoy your own jokes if you're

gonna tell 'em.

You know, we both
enjoy our jokes.

That's why we tell 'em.

One of the great secrets
of the internet

is that Jackie "The Joke Man"
Martling dominated comedy

and was the leading
comedian on AudioNet,

the first and biggest early days

streaming media destination.

This is when I was a star.

And I used to be on
the cover of magazines.

And this is when I was made
the Lieutenant Governor's

deputy assistant in
the state of Louisiana.

Until the woman heard me
tell dirty jokes.

I think it's hard to
take his act apart

from his life in a lot of ways.

You know, unless he's whining.

Maybe I'm just a
happy old man.

I don't know.

I mean, I'm still
miserable half the time.

But I always was when I
was rich, when I was poor,

when I was famous, when I was
nobody, when I was in college.

Miserable half the time
and happy half the time.

So you just try to learn
to live with it.

It's very easy to live with,

except for the times
when you're miserable.

Guy says to her, "Girl,
gimme a blowjob."

She says, "Be more romantic."

He says, "Gimme a
blowjob in the rain."

The first thing I tell people
is it's gotta be concise.

And I used to go wild at Playboy

because those goddamn
Playboy's party jokes

would be "The voluptuous
young blonde sauntered

into the restaurant and
found her place at the bar

whereupon she eyed the
guy next to him.

And I'm like, no.

A girl walks in a bar and
says to a guy,

because that's all you need.

You don't need the dressing.

You know, a pretty girl,
that tells the story.

A fat girl.

His research on jokes,
that is his art.

Jackie, almost alone the
past four decades has said,

these aren't my jokes,
these are our jokes.

And the idea of going on
stage and saying,

"These are our jokes,"

is the equivalent of
singing "Oh, Susanna",

it's the equivalent of
singing campfire songs.

As someone who loved Lenny Bruce

and who loves all that
first person individuality,

I think Jackie is more
sophisticated in a certain way.

Lady walks in her
daughter's bedroom,

daughter's using a vibrator.

She says, "Honey, what
are you doing?"

She said, "Mom, I'm
40 years old,

I don't even have a boyfriend.

I'll never get married.

That's my husband."

Minutes later, her
father walks in,

she's using a vibrator.

"Honey, what are you doing?"

She says, "Daddy, I'm
40 years old.

Don't even have a boyfriend,
I'll never get married.

That's my husband."

Next day the wife and her
daughter go out shopping,

they come back a few hours
later, they walk in the kitchen,

the old man's standing there,

he's got a martini in one hand

and he's got the vibrator
buzzing away in his ass.

His wife says, "What
are you doing?"

He says, "I'm having a drink
with my new son-in-law."

Jackie Martling.

And this is on a show with
Bob Nelson and Dave Hawthorne,

worked with Billy Crystal
and Eddie Murphy

and Jerry Seinfeld
and Paul Riser

and Jackie Martling had
to go on last

because he was the funniest.

When Jackie does jokes,

he takes a joke that's
might have been older

and Jackie gets rid
of all the fat,

like a surgeon.

Set up, paints a picture,
pow, set up, paint, pow.

And that's not the way
the jokes were written

and originally discovered.

The real funny guys who I
know, like the Norm Macdonald's,

the Dave Attell's, they
respect Jackie like crazy

because they respect
great joke telling.

That's an art.

Pilot comes on the
intercom says,

"Thank you for flying
West Eastern.

Touchdown in Los Angeles
in approximately

five and a half hours and we
appreciate your business."

He forgets to turn off the
intercom, turns to the co-pilot,

he says, "You know what?

Think I'm gonna take a
shit and then get a blowjob

from that hot new
blonde stewardess."

She's in the back of the plane,

realizes the
intercom's still on.

So she goes running up
the aisle to tell him.

A little old lady says,

"Take your time honey,

he said he was gonna take
a shit first."

I would always close the shows
at Cinnamon

Richie was MC,

he'd bring on the other
acts like the local guys

or if we had guys.

I went home and I said
to my girlfriend, I said,

"Lois, they laugh at every joke.

I should make an album."

She said, "So make an album."

Jackie was one of the
earliest comics to have albums.

And I think part of
that was because he knew

the craft of recording.

He studied it and he had
friends that had a lot of gear.

But also, and maybe
the bigger part

is that he just wants
to share those jokes.

I took my class picture
with me giving the finger

and wrote under it, "What
did you expect?"

There was a guy from El Duke

who found seven huge
warts on his root.

He put acid on these

and now when he pees

he gotta finger that
thing like a flute.

One through line is
he's a hard worker

and when he wants to learn
something, he digs in.

I'd been a comedian
for like eight months

and I had an album out,
which was absurd.

It lent credence to you.

I don't care who you
are, you got an album,

this is your comedy album.

You know, either it's good or
it's bad, but it's an album.

And then I decided to
make another one

and I decide to call it "Goin'
Ape!"

I went to Lilian Costume
Shop and I said, listen,

I have no money, but if you let
me borrow your gorilla suit,

I'll give you a credit on
the on back of my record.

And they thought I was
crazy and they said sure.

And so I took the gorilla
costume and put in a couple of

paper bags and went to
the Bronx Zoo

and it's September and
has classfuls

of second and third grade kids.

And I'm jumping out from
behind a tree dressed

as a gorilla.

I just can't even imagine.

Somewhere there's a kid
trying to tell people

that when he was in
second grade,

he was at the Bronx Zoo
and a gorilla jumped out

from behind a tree.

Guy goes to the zoo to
feed the monkeys,

he throws the monkey a peanut,

the monkey picks up the peanut,
sticks it in his rear end,

pulls it out and eats it.

The guy says 'uggggh!"

No, there's more.

He throws the monkey
another peanut.

The monkey picks up the peanut,
sticks it in his rear end,

pulls it out and eats it.

The guy's like, "Bleahh!"

He goes to the zookeeper.

He says, "Man, that is
one very stupid monkey."

Zookeeper says, "Nah,
that's a very smart monkey.

Last week somebody threw
him a big peach

and he ate it and he
couldn't pass the pit.

So now he measures them."

And each time I made a record,
I gave them out, sold them,

sent them to people.

I've always been a
networking fool.

There's something
about a joke teller

that needs to share those jokes.

If he meets you in the
supermarket, he gets your address.

And within five days from
the post office, old school,

you get a ton of stuff.

Stickers and joke noses
and albums and CDs

and whatever he has.

And it's from his heart.

He's building his fans, but
he also wants you to have it.

He wants to share with
you the joy that he has.

You gotta love a guy for that.

Jackie just loved
giving his shit out.

And I know it cost him money

and he gave it for free
to everybody.

Everybody would take the stuff

because it was Jackie's,
it was kind of cool.

Like Jackie was like
a cult hero.

What's the difference between
a beer and a booger?

You put your beer on
top of the table.

Nobody mails more
things than Jackie.

He is a fixture in the
Bayville Post Office.

Bayville Post Office, what
would they do without him?

He still walks in front
of my house on his way

to the post office just
about every day.

And I wonder if it's a
coincidence that the post office

is at the end of the block.

Who spends more money than me?

Most people, he sends
everything media

trying to save a buck.

Little Jewish girl runs
up to her father, says,

"Daddy, daddy, I need $50."

He says $40?

What do you need $30 for?

My act is Polish jokes,
black jokes, midget jokes.

Only a little, only a little.

But I do a little of it because
I'm like, fuck the world.

You know, it's all attitude.

If you can't laugh at
your own personal situation,

no matter what it is, your
sexual preference, your religion,

your race.

People tell jokes about
my nose now all the time.

What am I gonna do then?

Deny it?

If you don't laugh at
it, you will go nuts.

Comedy is all about making
fun of the things that are

obvious to everyone, but
nobody wants to talk about.

And in today's age of
political correctness,

you can lose an entire
career with just one joke.

I think Jackie's been immune
from that because he's so far

to the other side of
offensive that you know,

it's good natured and no
one takes it personally.

You just laugh.

Lady goes to drugstore,
goes up to the counter,

says, "I need to buy some
cyanide to kill my husband."

He says, "Lady, I can't say
cyanide to kill your husband.

You'll go to jail,
I'll go to jail.

You're crazy."

She reaches in her purse,
takes out a picture,

hands it to pharmacist,

picture of her husband
fucking the pharmacist's wife.

He says, "You didn't tell
me he had a prescription."

Jackie is a quirky guy,
but quirky in a funny sense.

I remember on Howard
you used to wear these

like finger condoms.

They were called finger cots,

but they were literally
tiny condoms for your finger

because he was allergic to
the ink in the newspapers.

Turns out it was cause
I was so full of alcohol

and the tips of my
fingers were dry.

But who knew?

Jackie's an interesting
character in that he has no shame.

He's not embarrassed by
the things that people are

embarrassed by in
polite society.

He never wants to miss
any part of a conversation.

So if he's in the middle
of talking to you

and he's really gotta
go take a crap,

he leaves the door open.

Every night I swim naked,
come take a nice hot shower,

not get a boner.

Jackie loves to swim
and he will do it

at the weirdest times,

like in the middle of November

when it's 50 degrees
in the water.

He'll go out in the
middle of the night

and swim a half mile.

One night he said, "Why
don't you come out with me?"

And we walked to the water
and he takes his robe off

and he is naked and he
just jumps in the water.

Jackie has a girlfriend now, Barbara,

who's friendly with his
ex-wife Nancy, they hang out.

That's not normal.

Jackie was a hippie
in many ways,

so he would do things that
a college kid might do,

but someone with money wouldn't.

So he would have lobsters
in a garbage can.

He had nail fungus and some
doctor told him that if they

pulled his nails out they would
grow back and they didn't.

So he's got no toenails.

Oh well.

Girls love Jackie Martling

and I don't understand why
because he eats like a monster.

Have you ever seen him eat?

There's a lot of slurping.

There's a lot of slurping,

there's a lot of fingers.

You know me, I could just
put a piece of a chicken wing

in my mouth or a leg
and just go like this.

And that bone is just
like in a cartoon.

The wife says, "Get out,
get out, get the fuck out."

As her husband's walking
out the door, she says,

"I hope you die a slow,
painful death."

He says, "So now you
want me to stay?"

By the time it was 1982,

I had three comedy albums
and me and Nancy

would send the albums with
the cassettes that match them

and promo to everybody.

His percentage is
not super high,

but he sends out so many
that of course

he's gotten responses.

The LPs going to
Howard Stern at NBC

is a perfect example of that.

I was working at Garvin's
Laugh Inn in Washington DC

and this guy says,

"Hey, this crazy guy
just got fired

from the radio down here.

And he used to do live
broadcasts in his underwear

from the club on Friday mornings

and you should look him
up because he's crazy."

And he told me his name.

And I got home and just
looked up the address,

just Howard Stern, care of WNBC,

and just mailed it like
we mailed everything.

No idea that anybody's ever
gonna see it or who the guy is.

I don't know anything.

And Nancy had called
me up and said,

"Hey, that disc jockey
wants you to call him."

So I called WNBC, got
right on the phone.

He said, "Hey, we
listened to your records.

You know every joke,
you're a pistol.

We're doing a a talent contest
over the telephone today.

Do you wanna come in and
help judge it?"

So I got in the car and
drove to 30 Rock

and went in there and
sat down with Howard,

Robin and Fred and laughed
my ass off for four hours.

Was it magical?

I don't know, it was
certainly fun.

And I certainly added to the
fun and at the end of the day

he said, "Wait, you are
a lot of fun.

Why don't you come
back next week?"

And that was that, boom.

It's exciting going in to
work with Howard every week.

It's really wild.

You never know what's
gonna happen.

I walked outta the
building one day,

walked outta the RCA building
when he is still at NBC.

It was a very horrible
day in New York City.

One of those drizzly, rainy,
everything's filthy days.

And it was a very
distinguished English gentleman

standing on the side
of the road.

He's pretty annoyed.

And I was in a good mood.

I've been laughing
for four hours.

This guy's standing there
looking pretty prim and proper,

you know, it was really
disgusting out.

And a taxi came flying by, hit
a puddle and soaked this guy.

Well I almost peed myself, okay?

So he's a mess.

He's all angry and he
turns and he's like yelling

at the cabby.

Another cab goes by, hits
the same puddle

and douses the other side.

Well, I'm dying.

This guy turns to me
and he says,

"You know, I think
New York City's

the asshole of the world."

I said, "Yeah, you
passing through?"

For the first while
he would go in

just for the promotion of shows

that he had coming up and
he would just do Tuesdays.

Well I did one day
a week for three years

unless I was outta town.

And if I was outta town,
sometimes I would call in.

One time I called in
from the police station

because I had spent the
night in jail.

You know, it was
Howard's show.

So Howard was the one on the
air and Jackie would think of

something funny to say,

but it wasn't Jackie's
show to be speaking.

So he would kind of just
write something down

and he would show it to Howard.

And at first Howard's
like, "Get that away.

What are you, what
are you doing?"

And he was like,
"Well what have you got?"

Well, then all of a sudden
he kind of wanted to see it.

And that's how this joke
writing on the fly started.

Like Jackie just was
thinking of funny things,

but it was not his forum.

And then he got hired and
all of a sudden,

he was working for money

and then he was full-time and
then they went to mornings.

Jackie invented that job.

So as a kid, I didn't
know that job existed.

It became a job
because of Jackie.

This is every note I
ever wrote for Howard.

April 25th, 1997, you
listened to this show.

I just brought 'em home
every day, 1998, '99,

they go back all the way to '86.

The idea of
somebody in real time

synthesizing information. Fascinating.

And Howard was always
a little bit reticent

for that to be known.

And you know what I
remember, I swear to God,

correct me if I'm wrong,
he did a Channel Five show.

Look it, I'm digging in
my brain now.

Wow, Nobody knows-

Leslie West.

Leslie West was on the show.

Leslie West was the
band leader.

Steve Rossi was the announcer.

Oh my God.

Oh my God, you're right.

And then you, you literally
stayed under the desk,

Under the desk!

handing Howard all the jokes.

I didn't even put
that in the book

because that is not believable.

Yeah, yeah.

For years we all
thought Howard

was one of the
quickest comics ever.

And then you find out
that's Jackie Martling

sitting there with a
pen and paper

like the 1800s and feeding
Howard those lines,

the brilliant fast comedic mind.

Constantly joke, boom,
joke, boom, joke, boom

and then laughing at every joke.

That laugh brings me me back
to so many wonderful times

in my life.

Here's some Jackie
laughs for you.

And to be able to come
up with something funny,

write it down, give it to
someone and then say it.

And it's still funny because
comedy has a half-life man.

If you don't get it out
that quickly,

it's funniness goes down.

So he had to be thinking
ahead of what was being said

in order to keep that
joke topical and funny

as it was going through the
process of getting to Howard,

which is an amazing thing.

You know, I was at a
K-Rock party at Elaine's

and I had never met
Howard's sister before.

And she came up to me
and she says,

"Jackie, I'm Howard's
sister Ellen.

I could never listen when
you guys are on the afternoon

because I was at work,

but now you are on in the
mornings and I can listen.

And I said to my brother,

'Howie, when did you
get so witty?'

And he said, 'It's not me.
That's Jackie.'

And you're Jackie and
it's so nice to meet you."

And I said, "Well, it's
very nice to meet you too."

If Jackie wrote something and
stuck it in front of Howard,

Howard could come back to
that five minutes later

and just work it in
and build up to a place

where it fit perfectly.

But it wasn't just jokes talking
about observational comedy,

like Jackie's observations of
what was going on around them

and taking a little
germ like the day that,

I don't know why they
were talking about

the Quickdraw McGraw
show and Gary

happens to call Baba
Louie Baba Booey.

And if you listen to this
tape it, they pass it.

Jackie's like he just
said Baba Louie.

And it, he just said, Baba
Booey and it's Baba Louie.

And they circled back and
came back to it

and to this, I mean,

I think Sarah Silverman
said Baba Booey

on some award show last year.

I mean, it still
lives to this day.

Baba Booey!

We just kind of
Baba Booey-ed it.

Scene tonight-

Baba Booey!

That was a huge contribution
to the show, not just jokes.

I would love when
Jackie would be on the air

and Gary would walk in the room

and he would just lambast him.

And Gary is, I respect
that man more than anybody

on the planet for all the
things that he's been through.

He really did have bad breath.

That was almost an
intervention. Breakin his balls

about his teeth was
just so unfair.

I broke his balls 24/7.

It wasn't necessary
we're on the air.

Like I would fuck
with him in email

and fuck with him when
we weren't on the air

just for the sport of it.

Which really made him crazy.

Like, why are you doing that?

Nobody's here now.

Nobody gets the benefit of
that. But we do, you know.

With Jackie, the ball
busting never stops

and you don't even need
to be present

for the ball busting to happen.

Jackie and I went to a
friend's wedding in Rome

and we were by the Pantheon,

and this is like maybe
10 years after he left

the Stern show.

Suddenly I hear this crazy
cackling Jackie laugh

and I run over to
see what it is.

He's standing in front of a
fountain pointing at it going,

"It looks like Baba Booey!"

So from that point forward,

it was the Booey fountain and
you can go and see it today.

God, I, there's a couple
of Fred notes that I saved,

you know, one time we were
going on vacation

and Howard's like,

"Yeah, I think Allison and
I are gone to the islands,"

or something like that.

And Robin's like,

"Oh yes, I'm going to
California to see some friends."

Gary's gonna do this
and do that.

I wrote a note.

And Howard says,

and Fred will be staring
at people in Manhattan.

It was just, it just, they
were just screaming laughing.

And it would... he'd
get incensed,

of course they don't want
me back on that show.

Are you crazy?

Have to be crazy to
have me back.

But how fun is that?

You know, that's a nice beard.

You look like it went down
on it and came up with it.

Jackie's house was a
great experience.

It was a lot of fun.

We would have these parties.

He was, he had a band set up.

Jackie would not, he would
walk around like a t-shirt,

no shoes on.

We'd go down the beach.

He would convince everyone
to swim out to his jetty.

This is where the jetty was.

Sandy beat the jetty up
and pummeled it.

And then another storm a couple
weeks later destroyed it.

This is the only surviving thing
from my world famous jetty.

The whole world used this thing.

Jackie was legendary for
having these great 4th of July

parties and they really were,

he invited everybody
from the show.

Not only people who
worked on the show,

but guests who were
up on the show.

You'd have some random
wack packer show up

and the party would go
pretty much all night long.

Eventually it'd be like these
crazy bonfires on the beach.

I don't know how
someone that generous

would get such a bad rap for
being the complete opposite

of what he was.

I mean, Howard definitely
has a way of painting you

into a light that is
not accurate.

I was, on the Stern show,

I was the homophobic Southerner

and I'm neither of those things.

Jackie and many people are
painted in the wrong light there.

But it's funny.

And that's what the
show's about.

That always threw my
friends for a loop

when they'd hear people
on the street

call me a cheapskate and stuff.

Because a lot of people
I knew didn't even listen

to the show.

They didn't care about
the Howard Stern Show,

where they get that, oh no,

Howard's got everybody
believing that I'm cheap.

And they're like, that's crazy.

And I'm like, it works for
him because it makes me nuts.

You know.

One morning somebody brought
in a resemblance of Jackie

as a puppet.

It was plaster and it
had little moving parts

inside of it and Jackie knew
about it before the show did.

But he told the guy to come in.

I was a huge fan of
the Stern Show

and one of my favorite parts
was Billy West doing Jackie.

It just tickled me.

I couldn't get enough of it.

So my buddy grew up with
Jackie, I could get pictures,

figure I'll make a puppet.

I thought it would be a
flash in the pan.

It it endured and
people loved it.

I came home one day and there
in my driveway was my buddy

Billy Born's blue truck
and I walked up and said,

"Hey Billy."

And I looked next to him,

next to him sitting
shotgun was his friend Tom.

And between the two of
them was this little Jackie

and he had a joint in his mouth

and a little tiny Budweiser can,

we figured, wait, there's
a Gary puppet,

that should be a Jackie
puppet but if I bring it in,

they'll just throw it
in the garbage

because there'd be Jackie
trying to promote Jackie.

What you gotta do is you
gotta bring it in

like you're fucking with me.

And he said, okay.

And a couple days later,
Gary came into the studio,

he says "hey boff... there's a

guy in the lobby's got a
dummy with him.

and this dummy looks
a lot like Jackie.

He's got really pretty
girl with him."

Howard said, bring him in.

So the guy came in and
here's his beautiful wife,

Amy and him, and he
shows Howard the puppet.

And I'm like, get outta
here with that thing.

And you know, and he's winking
at me and I'm winking at him.

And one by one they're
passing it around

and they're really
fucking with me.

I think the Jackie
Puppet was the catalyst for

the breathy laugh type of thing, right?

Because that was the sounds
the Jackie puppet made.

But Billy West was doing the
voice of the Jackie puppet.

But Jackie was
writing the jokes.

It was like the Twilight Zone

because he was passing
notes to me for the puppet

to insult him.

It's like,

and I'm having this little
tiny figure of the guy sitting

right in front of me.

That's Twilight Zone man.

That's Rod Serling,
"Picture, if you will."

They took it and ran with it.

The puppet turned out to be
so venomous

with Jackie's help.

Conan O'Brien's ratings were
going down

and he was desperate.

So he came into the Stern Show,

I don't think he would've,
unless he was like, godfather.

And he came on and the
minute he came in the room,

the Jackie puppet called
him Conan O' Byebye.

Conan O'Byebye.

After Conan went on and got
tortured by the Jackie puppet.

That's where Triumph the
Insult dog came from.

You know?

Did you hear about the
guy who couldn't come?

We had to go get him.

It was a crazy circle
of funny, oh my God,

I think those are some of
the funniest Stern shows

in existence.

Two midgets chip in
for a lottery ticket.

They win the lottery.

The midgets win the lottery!

So, to celebrate.

They get two prostitutes
and they get two motel rooms

next to each other.

First midget goes in room
with a hooker.

He's a midget.

He ain't know what to
say to a whore.

Staring at her.

Next room, he hears
all night long.

Next morning, the two midgets
coming outta the motel rooms.

First midget says to the
second midget,

"I didn't know what
to say to her."

The second midget says,

"I couldn't even get
up on the fucking bed."

They were a machine.

They really were a machine.

Howard relied on him a
lot. When their relationship

was at its best

and you have two very
brilliant minds

working on one topic, gold.

There was an energy in there
and you can't replicate it.

I mean, there's so many
people that try to recreate

the DNA of the Stern Show,

especially with morning radio,
and it got watered down.

I mean, all of a sudden these
myopic program directors

were giving permission
to their morning people

to do the Stern show.

That's basically what happened.

And Stern, he was the
originator of what he did.

A perfectionist about it
and a natural.

But these other people
were trying to be him.

When that cast of the Howard
Stern Show was in its prime,

you couldn't stop them.

They were the best thing
in entertainment.

I was the guy that was
gonna get the stories

and bring them up on the air.

John, I think would hang
out with Jackie

on the weekend just to
get airtime the next day.

I think a lot of the
reason some Stern fans

get mad at me for leaving
is because that

they didn't have that
inside guy that

would have no fear in
busting Jackie, Fred, Gary,

even Howard's balls.

Like that, to me, was the
best part of the show,

was the inner soap opera.

All the squabbling.

I could give a shit about
the strippers.

I couldn't care about the celebrity
interviews for the most part.

To me, the best part of
the show was all of us

busting each other's balls.

I got to be part of something

that you could never duplicate

and it was at such a great age.

I was so young.

It was so much fun.

It was ridiculous.

This is why I didn't really
give a shit if I got paid.

I knew I was lucky, I
was supposed to be there.

Listen, I had every
right to say something,

but I didn't wanna make waves.

I just wanted to be
under the radar,

like I didn't even want
to go on the air.

Cause every time I got
on the air it was like

I was in a war zone.

Howard's eyes are darting
back and forth in his head.

Robin's talking in
your earphones.

Jackie's winging paper
balls at you.

Fred's imitating me with
sound effects.

I was a deer in the
headlights dude.

But it was fun.

They were the Beatles
of the radio.

In fact, when "Private Parts"
came out,

they did the premiere
at Madison Square Garden

and Howard came down the
street in the Pope Mobile.

It was amazing.

I went with Jackie and that is
the closest I will ever come

in my life to being
with the Beatles.

The 18 years that he
was on the Stern Show

were really fun.

We had a great time. Being a
wife of a Stern show person.

I bonded with the other wives.

There were regular times
during the year

where we all got together.

Jackie and I were really good
friends with Fred and Allison.

We were very close to
stuttering John and Susanna

for a long time.

So it was a time of real good
friendships and camaraderie.

But there were tough
things about it as well.

The man was sleep
deprived for 15 years,

getting up at 4:30 in the
morning and he did not go to

bed at 10 o'clock.

Never.

It's a very tough lifestyle
doing morning drive radio.

I don't know how he did
it for so long,

especially when he was drinking.

You can't sneak in
the Stern show.

Everyone knows if you're
not there or you're late,

it disrupts your entire life.

When you are on a show

that's the biggest show in
the country on television

and movies and radio.

It takes a toll.

He was a devout member
of that team.

But you give up a lot
when you do that.

I think Jackie is just
guilty of a lot of things

went kind of awry at
the same time.

Sometimes it wasn't the
friendliest job in the world.

You know, there's a
couple times

we had a falling out where I,

like I quit and told
Howard to go,

well, I told Fred to tell
Howard to go fuck himself.

Jackie felt that the
show was a team effort

and I'm not sure that Howard
always sees it that way.

That's gonna get me in trouble.

Howard's been known that
there wasn't a lot of sharing of

the good things that came
out of such a team effort

and that seemed to be
something that Jackie

wasn't happy with.

He would've liked to have
been rewarded a little more

for his part.

The abuse that you
get from Howard,

the lack of acknowledgement
for the hard work

and the jokes that
you're writing.

I think at some point
that takes a toll.

It's the empire he built,
you know?

But you, I mean, you can
fall under the weight

of your own hype,

like in otherwise, if you
start destroying

the support beams, it'll show.

It's toxic man.

It's toxic.

They have this
corporate mentality.

There are two main
characters aside from Howard

who played prominently
in Jackie's relationship

with the Stern show.

One is Mel Karmazin,

who was the head of
Infinity Broadcasting,

who later went over to Sirius.

And the other is Don Buckwald,

who's been Howard's
agent forever.

And together they
helped make Howard

into the force that he is today.

The broadcast industry
is a very frugal business,

unless you're the owner.

Mel ran a good, tight
business and he was,

everything was in the best
interest of the shareholder.

Mel really groomed Howard

to be that money making
corporate guy.

If you want to be successful
and be a millionaire,

there's rules you gotta follow
and you can't let people make

a lot of money because
everybody's gonna want your money.

So you gotta keep that,

keep 'em down here
because it is just,

that's something we do
as millionaires.

This is what goes on in my head,

but I think that it
sounds reasonable.

And then Howard adopted and
groomed by all these people,

like Don telling him, no,

you can't treat people like this

because then they're
gonna want more

and then they're gonna
want more and more.

So just keep 'em down here
and make 'em like, you know,

anybody could take your job.

And that's the way I felt
because it was like I knew there

was a list of resumes right
behind me, so I, you shut up.

It wasn't as fair as it
could be, but you know,

you're in business and
I work for you.

What I think I deserve and
what you think I deserve.

There's always gonna be horse
races, but the point is,

you're allowed to ask for more
and you're allowed to say no.

End of story.

Jackie once said about
other people on the show

being afraid to ask for money.

He's like, look, we're
part of a thing

that makes like a billion
dollars a year.

This is America.

It's a capitalist country.

It's all right to ask for more.

And he stood alone in that
and that's hard to do.

And it ended up being
his unraveling, you know.

He didn't walk away,
he asked for more money.

They didn't really
negotiate with him.

That's as much as I'll
say about it.

Jackie had the best
job in radio,

but there was no competition
for his services.

His mistake was, he didn't
have the leverage to say,

well I'm gonna go over to
this other show

that's syndicated in 50 markets

where they're gonna pay me
for 50 markets.

Billy West and I both
left to do better things.

Jackie, he played his
hand and he didn't,

he should have had
something else,

even if it was being a writer
for like a lesser of a show,

for a Don Imus or something.

But he should have had
something before he left.

I tried to talk him out
of it and I said, Jackie,

stick it out five more years

and then you never have
to work again.

It's a shame.

He's 70 now and he still
has to do all these gigs

cause he's gotta make a living.

And he wouldn't have had to
do that if he would've just

fucking listened to the
stuttering prick.

One of the saddest
days that I can remember

on the Stern show was the
day Jackie left.

It wasn't as much fun to
come into work.

I was like, oh God.

The greatest thing,

which the Howard Stern
show does not have anymore

is the conflict.

There's no conflict anymore.

I mean, they do Benji, they
try to have the conflict.

Jackie had, it was a
real conflict.

So many people say
you made the worst move

in show business ever.

I don't think so.

Maybe I did to some people, maybe.

Financially it hurt,
fame wise it hurt.

But you know, my life,
it was bad.

I was caught, I was
caught in a trap.

I wasn't gonna stop drinking,
I wasn't gonna get divorced.

I was living with a woman
and we weren't in love.

So there was no way I was
ever gonna quit drinking.

Jackie with losing the job.

And the way he lost the
job, me, with the drugs,

you feel like your life
is unraveling

and coming apart in front
of 15 million people.

So I was, you had to break
the egg to make the omelet,

and whether it was smart or not

and it all comes down
to me being full of crap

because a couple months
later I said,

"Hey, I'll take the deal
if it's still available."

Maybe he just
needed that excuse.

Not coming to terms
with the amount of money

was the push he needed. To
hear him say it,

he got healthier.

He doesn't look healthy to me,

but he says it saved his life.

When I was going
through my hell,

my particular hell at
the end of my run there

and I was feeling
because of the drugs,

everybody around me was
abandoning me,

including Howard,
which was wrong.

Jackie texted me, I'll
never forget this.

I was on my way to the show and
I was doing a lot of heroin,

a lot of cocaine,

and I was drinking
before the show

and I was getting a
drink at a deli

at 5:50 in the morning
before I went to Sirius.

And Jackie texted me
and he knew,

I think instinctually he knew
what I was going through.

He texted me and he said,

I'm the only person in the world

who knows what you're
going through.

He was so kind about it.

Look man, I know what
you're going through.

You're on the biggest
radio show ever

and you have personal
problems going on.

If you need me, I'm
here for you.

You know that I'll never
forget that text.

I realized he's the only
guy who could be my shrink

because it's a unique
job and a unique problem

that I shared with him,
you know?

I think the way it went
down was the best way for him.

I do.

Within an eight week
period, he was off the show,

our marriage split up
and he stopped drinking.

He doesn't have quite the
fame that he had

or quite the money that he had,

but he has a life
and a good one.

Last time I was on the
Howard Stern Show

was sometime around 2012.

Went on, had a lot of laughs,
was great.

Haven't really been in contact
with any of them ever since.

Of course we reached out
to all of them

to be in the documentary

and those of them that did
reply declined via email,

which saddens me.

But the craziest thing
about the whole situation

is I am still very good friends
with everybody I ever met

except those people.

And I was very close to them
for 18 years and then nothing.

I'm not sure what that
says about the situation

or them or me.

Two blondes were out to lunch.

First blonde says to the
second blonde,

"You got something on
your cheek."

The other blonde goes like this.

She says, "Nah, the other side."

She goes.

Well I left the show and I
obviously had a lot of time

even doing my shows
and having fun

and I had quit drinking and
I figured I always want,

I always loved the movies.

And I said, let me
give it a shot.

Wanted to try acting.

I took acting lessons.

I met Jackie on a movie
called "Send No Flowers."

I play a sort of mob
boss's daughter

and Jackie plays a guy
who owes me money.

We came here today.

To jerk me off?

No, not at all.

$165,000, That's what you owe.

What?

Mickey O'Mara.

He's not here now.

He's gone.

He's not here to run interference
for you two degenerates.

I expect you to pay the
money you owe my family

by the end of this month.

You can't be serious.

I'm as serious as a
heart attack.

He did a great job.

I was very impressed with
his acting in the scenes

that we did together on
this little movie.

Hey, you know why they
make gold chains?

To remind you Italians
where to stop shaving.

Then it was a movie
called "Venus & Vegas"

and Jackie had another part

and we had Florence
Henderson in it,

and Florence Henderson was wild.

Hello baby, Mama just hit
the big perfecta

and she is hot.

Come in.

Ah, ooh, daddy got a hose
for mommy's fire.

And Jackie tongue
kissed Florence Henderson,

while he ate a hot dog.

And I think Jackie enjoyed
this more than anything

he's ever done in his
entire life.

Oh man.

It was disturbing.

And Jackie was so proud of
it and Florence Henderson

was like into it

and it just made the
whole entire crew cringe.

If you spend five minutes
with Jackie and listen to any of

his stories,

the first thing you think
of is this guy

should write a book and
he actually did.

I mean, he sequestered
himself in a room

for I don't know how long,

and he collected all his stories

and came out with this book,

which of course has a title
that could only be written

by Jackie.

How many joke fans do
we have here?

I look at the book and
I just can't believe it.

I look at all you and I
can't believe it.

I have been so, so lucky.

Let's sign some books.

Let's have some fun.

And so now you got this book.

This is "The Joke Man."

This is "Bow to Stern."

This is a, this is a great
picture, great title.

Jackie, I'll tell you,
you're a legend man.

Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling, right.

Jackie, good to see
you brother.

The man.

Good to see you.

Look at us, 49 years old,
both of us.

Here you go.

Hey, come on.

Good morning teacher.

What's up Jackie?

The wack pack is how
the Howard Stern Show

refers to all the crazies
who closely orbit the show.

And now as I drift
further and further

from being a cast member,

I've probably meandered
frighteningly close

to becoming a wack packer
if I haven't already.

It's a very cold winner's night.

So three homeless guys
huddle up close to stay warm.

Wake up in the morning,
guy on the left said,

"I dream somebody's
pulling on my dick."

Guy on the right says,

"I dreamed somebody was pulling
on my dick."

Guy in the middle says, "I
had a dream I went skiing."

And one day I went to
dinner with Howard

and he said, "Oh, so
you wanna have a show?"

And I said, "Sure,

I'm just gonna tell
some jokes or whatever."

And of course the story
delineated into,

I went to Howard and
begged for a show.

But bottom line is I got
the show one day a week

and then I called my
friend Ian said,

"Hey, I got my own
show on Sirius.

Want to be my co-host?"

And he said, "Okay."

Live from Studio 21 in the
Sirius XM broadcast complex.

It's been week since
I saw McKean.

On "Jackie's Joke Hunt", we
did the show for eight years,

402 episodes I think.

And we calculated that it was
something over 10,000 jokes

that we heard over the
run of the show.

I remember exactly three.

"Jackie's Joke Hunt"
ran for 402 episodes.

It was just jokes, jokes, jokes, jokes.

And I still think it's
just a ridiculous format.

And it was so much fun.

Now Steven, what we do, this
is called the opening salvo.

I do a joke.

He does a joke.

You do a joke, she does joke.

Got it, I could do it.

Steven Schirripa.

All right, here we go.

So a guy calls home, "He says,
honey, I won the lottery.

Start packing."

She says, "Should I pack for
the beach or to go skiing?"

He says, "I don't care where
you go, just get the fuck out."

Normally, Schirripa, I tell everybody
the rules

and I always forget
and it's nobody's fault

because you're supposed
to use a girl's voice

if it's a girl, oh, but
that's not your fault.

wait, what am I
gonna sound like a girl?

What girl am I gonna sound like?
— A little like me.

I think that's one of the
funniest things to me is people

not telling the jokes right.

Being made to tell a
joke seven times

because he couldn't
get the accents,

he couldn't get the this,
the that.

He got the words wrong.

Do it one more time.

A guy calls home, he says,

"Honey, I won the lottery.

Start packing."

She says,

No, no, shouldn't
say "She says"

in a girl's voice.

You don't talk like the
girl until its the girl.

"Should
I pack for the beach

or to go skiing?"

He says,

"I don't care where you
go, just get the fuck out."

And take your voice with ya.

So we did "Jackie's
Joke Hunt" for eight years

and they paid us less money
and less money

and abused us more and more,

but they couldn't make us quit.

So they finally fired us.

You know, when I started
working on the Stern show,

I realized like, this
is an odd job.

And I think it went
through my mind like,

will there be any evidence
that I ever did anything?

I just have always
saved everything.

You know, if you have
three quarter inch videos

of your act or four
track cassettes,

of course you're
gonna keep them.

I guess it's my whole life.

I just have always
held on to stuff.

It's garbage, but it's
wonderful garbage.

Cab driver picks up a nun,
looks in the rear view mirror,

says, "You know sister, I
always fantasized about being

with a nun."

"Yeah, you and everybody else.

You Catholic?"

"Yes I am."

She says, "Pull over."

He pulls over, she gets
into the front seat,

gives him the best
blowjob he's ever had.

She gets done, he feels a
little guilty,

says, "Sister, I gotta
tell you something.

I'm not really Catholic."

She says, "Yeah, my
name's Ralph.

I'm going to a costume party."

Good night!

The other day on Twitter,
somebody said,

"Boy, that's some
racket you got.

You memorize some joke
books and tell jokes

and make money."

And like, I don't
answer these people

because they don't
realize that these jokes

are organically fed into
my soul over 70 years.

You know what, Jackie has
lived a life on his own terms.

I think he's generally
pretty pleased

with the way his life has gone.

You think of Jackie being
the Jackie from years ago,

again, drinking, Howard
ragging on him and stuff.

Now he's a lot more responsible,

which is so odd to say
about Jackie.

I think he's
eternally like a child.

What a great gift that is, right?

Isn't that a great gift to be
able to be happy and giggly.

I think he was always the
realest person on the show.

There's something really pure

about what drives him
to do the comedy

and the music and
all that stuff.

I think he just needs to.

I really don't think it's
about making tons of money.

And I think that he's the kind
of guy that no matter what

level he got to financially,

he would happily live
out his days.

The guy wakes up in
a hospital bed

and the nurse looks down at him

and she says, "You were
in a terrible accident.

You won't be able to feel
anything from the waist down."

He says, "Well, then can
I squeeze your tits?"

Sorry girls.

Two nuns riding on a bicycle
in a Vatican courtyard.

And one says, "You know, I've
never come this way before."

She says, "Me neither
must be the cobblestones."

When you get old enough,
you know what makes you happy.

If I sit down and write
a story about my life

or do anything creative,
I'm happy.

Or if I go into a store and
make a few people laugh,

I'm happy.

But that doesn't necessarily
make you want to seek it out

because it's like, it's weird.

I know when I was
writing my book,

every time I wrote a story,
I was like,

goddamn that feels great.

You know, not for any reason,

but just like feeling like
you accomplished something.

Censor! Censor!

That my friend,

is how to end the
night of comedy.

Couple's in the living room.

He says, "You're dry tonight."

She says, "You're
licking the rug."

Why don't witches
wear panties?

To get a better grip
on the broom.

A priest, a rabbi, and a
reverend walk in to a bar

and the bartender goes,
"Is this a joke?"

How do you tell when an
auto mechanic has had sex?

One of his fingers are clean.

What do you get when you
cross a penis with a porcupine?

An armadildo?

What do you call an
Italian slum?

A spaghetto.

What's the difference
between concern and panic?

Concern is the first
time you can't get it up

the second time.

Panic is the second time you
can't get it up the first time.

What did the elephant
say to the naked man?

How do you breathe
through that thing?

My wife had a face lift
and I had enough leftover

to make me two pair of
cowboy boots.

Why do golfers wear two
pairs of pants?

In case they get a hole in one.

Guys carrying two watermelons, right?

Guy walks up to him and
says, "What time is it?"

The guy goes.