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1
00:00:02,529 --> 00:00:04,676
If you were a dog,
what breed would you be?
2
00:00:04,701 --> 00:00:06,427
You know those
hypoallergenic ones,
3
00:00:06,452 --> 00:00:07,526
uh, what are they?
4
00:00:07,551 --> 00:00:09,459
Oh, the ones that don't
answer stupid questions.
5
00:00:09,461 --> 00:00:11,272
Truck
12. Please respond.
6
00:00:11,296 --> 00:00:14,420
Cougar observed at
residence. 425 Knoll Drive.
7
00:00:14,445 --> 00:00:15,965
Homeowner is out of town.
8
00:00:15,967 --> 00:00:17,584
Truck 12 responding.
9
00:00:17,609 --> 00:00:19,292
There's been a lot
of sightings lately.
10
00:00:19,317 --> 00:00:20,662
A security camera
at a dry cleaner's
11
00:00:20,686 --> 00:00:21,897
got some great footage.
12
00:00:21,973 --> 00:00:24,609
It's a beautiful
animal. C-38. Majestic.
13
00:00:24,634 --> 00:00:26,720
Poor guy's probably
just hungry, you know?
14
00:00:27,020 --> 00:00:28,341
This isn't some
cute little kitty.
15
00:00:28,365 --> 00:00:29,531
You know that right?
16
00:00:29,556 --> 00:00:32,561
Last year in Spokane another
cougar attacked an officer,
17
00:00:32,586 --> 00:00:34,614
broke through his ribcage,
and ate his lungs.
18
00:00:34,639 --> 00:00:38,138
Oh, my God. Did he survive?
19
00:00:38,140 --> 00:00:41,084
Without lungs? Yup. Yeah.
20
00:00:41,109 --> 00:00:43,243
Finished third at the
New York Marathon.
21
00:00:43,268 --> 00:00:44,145
Thank God.
22
00:00:44,170 --> 00:00:45,722
You know, I love
stories like that.
23
00:00:45,747 --> 00:00:49,308
Triumph of the human spirit.
You can't keep us down, Frank.
24
00:00:50,427 --> 00:00:51,802
He died, Shred.
25
00:00:51,826 --> 00:00:53,826
Resync By M_I_S
www.opensubtitles.org
26
00:01:00,437 --> 00:01:01,770
Oh, my God.
27
00:01:01,847 --> 00:01:02,847
What?
28
00:01:02,922 --> 00:01:05,246
On the stairs.
Right in the bushes.
29
00:01:05,271 --> 00:01:05,936
You see that?
30
00:01:05,961 --> 00:01:07,669
The hydrangeas or the azaleas?
31
00:01:07,694 --> 00:01:09,636
I don't know. The pink ones.
32
00:01:09,661 --> 00:01:10,661
Azaleas.
33
00:01:12,341 --> 00:01:13,173
Oh my God.
34
00:01:13,175 --> 00:01:14,410
Hand me the tranq gun.
35
00:01:14,434 --> 00:01:15,600
If he comes for us,
36
00:01:15,602 --> 00:01:17,137
we're supposed to make
ourselves look big.
37
00:01:17,161 --> 00:01:19,477
Shh. Yeah. That's
the official line.
38
00:01:19,502 --> 00:01:21,272
But here's the real deal.
39
00:01:21,350 --> 00:01:23,913
Cup your junk and
hide behind something.
40
00:01:23,938 --> 00:01:26,584
Make your whole package as
inaccessible as possible.
41
00:01:26,609 --> 00:01:28,330
But Frank, I... I heard
they go for your neck.
42
00:01:28,354 --> 00:01:29,349
Yeah, they do.
43
00:01:29,374 --> 00:01:30,632
But it's not about
staying alive,
44
00:01:30,656 --> 00:01:33,937
it's about life being worth
living if you survive.
45
00:01:37,641 --> 00:01:39,141
Be careful.
46
00:01:39,957 --> 00:01:41,497
I think I got a clean shot.
47
00:01:46,629 --> 00:01:47,569
Unbelievable.
48
00:01:47,594 --> 00:01:48,518
What?
49
00:01:49,044 --> 00:01:49,876
What are you...
50
00:01:49,987 --> 00:01:53,626
Frank? Frank? Frank?
Are you crazy?
51
00:01:53,651 --> 00:01:54,725
Cover up your junk.
52
00:01:54,750 --> 00:01:55,830
It's a stuffed animal.
53
00:01:55,855 --> 00:01:57,286
You don't know that. It
might just be asleep.
54
00:01:57,310 --> 00:02:00,053
Yeah. Well, when it wakes up
I'd speak to it in Vietnamese
55
00:02:00,055 --> 00:02:02,831
since it's probably
where it was made.
56
00:02:02,908 --> 00:02:04,010
They do great work.
57
00:02:04,035 --> 00:02:05,225
Whoo! Okay.
58
00:02:05,227 --> 00:02:07,191
Yeah, I'll make the
call to dispatch.
59
00:02:07,216 --> 00:02:08,630
Let 'em know it's a false alarm.
60
00:02:08,655 --> 00:02:10,150
- Wait.
- What?
61
00:02:10,174 --> 00:02:13,130
You know what Churchill said.
Never let a crisis go to waste.
62
00:02:13,155 --> 00:02:13,986
Totally.
63
00:02:14,011 --> 00:02:16,575
Quick refresher...
uh, who is Churchill?
64
00:02:16,600 --> 00:02:17,995
Relief pitcher for the Mariners.
65
00:02:17,997 --> 00:02:19,756
I hear that dude's
having a great season.
66
00:02:19,781 --> 00:02:22,333
Look... we both know
this cougar isn't real.
67
00:02:22,411 --> 00:02:23,076
Right.
68
00:02:23,078 --> 00:02:24,186
But nobody else does.
69
00:02:24,211 --> 00:02:28,241
So, we have an opportunity to
humiliate a deserving individual
70
00:02:28,266 --> 00:02:30,367
and it would be wrong
to pass that up.
71
00:02:31,361 --> 00:02:32,361
Right?
72
00:02:33,226 --> 00:02:34,226
Gentlemen.
73
00:02:34,468 --> 00:02:36,710
Templeton... thank
God you're here.
74
00:02:36,735 --> 00:02:38,919
You're lucky I'm working
graveyard this week.
75
00:02:38,944 --> 00:02:40,593
Bring me up to speed.
76
00:02:40,595 --> 00:02:41,595
Come here.
77
00:02:43,932 --> 00:02:45,134
The predator is in those bushes.
78
00:02:45,158 --> 00:02:47,255
See? Now we've shot
him full of tranqs
79
00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:49,026
but that is one amped-up cat.
80
00:02:49,046 --> 00:02:50,046
Copy.
81
00:02:51,033 --> 00:02:54,451
It takes a big man to admit
when he's in over his head.
82
00:02:55,717 --> 00:02:58,346
So... he's already
killed a couple of dogs.
83
00:02:58,371 --> 00:03:00,091
But the real concern is
the elementary school
84
00:03:00,115 --> 00:03:00,956
down the street.
85
00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:02,421
Yeah. Breaks my heart
86
00:03:02,446 --> 00:03:04,705
but, I think, we might
have to euthanize.
87
00:03:06,638 --> 00:03:07,971
Stand back, boys.
88
00:03:07,973 --> 00:03:10,273
This is a job for
Mister Remington.
89
00:03:11,050 --> 00:03:12,192
Okay.
90
00:03:14,071 --> 00:03:16,029
Bye-bye kitty-cat.
91
00:03:19,726 --> 00:03:21,651
On my orders... fire.
92
00:03:21,653 --> 00:03:24,079
You're gonna order
yourself to fire, sir?
93
00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:26,126
Stop questioning my authority.
94
00:03:26,151 --> 00:03:27,075
Execute!
95
00:03:31,070 --> 00:03:31,897
What?
96
00:03:31,922 --> 00:03:33,458
That was so good.
97
00:03:33,482 --> 00:03:36,149
That went so much better than
anyone could've hoped for.
98
00:03:36,151 --> 00:03:37,575
Oh, my goodness.
99
00:04:07,774 --> 00:04:10,206
'Kay. People
are still not conforming
100
00:04:10,231 --> 00:04:12,340
to recycling protocols.
101
00:04:12,365 --> 00:04:13,438
And once again,
102
00:04:13,463 --> 00:04:17,896
a half-eaten hamburger is
not recyclable... Frank.
103
00:04:20,225 --> 00:04:21,300
Thank you, Dolores.
104
00:04:21,325 --> 00:04:24,531
Uh, Dolores... is
this recyclable?
105
00:04:24,533 --> 00:04:25,365
Of course.
106
00:04:25,367 --> 00:04:26,367
Oh, terrific.
107
00:04:26,417 --> 00:04:28,012
Yeah. You've done
that joke before.
108
00:04:28,036 --> 00:04:31,479
Well, when you see Elton John
you want him to play Rocket Man.
109
00:04:31,631 --> 00:04:34,892
Uh, Frank? Shred? Did
anything happen recently
110
00:04:34,917 --> 00:04:36,884
that maybe I should be
brought up to speed on?
111
00:04:36,909 --> 00:04:37,909
Which category?
112
00:04:37,934 --> 00:04:40,497
Routine checks or events
that were hilarious
113
00:04:40,522 --> 00:04:42,545
and humbled a person
who richly deserved it?
114
00:04:42,570 --> 00:04:45,833
Templeton filed a formal
complaint so now HR is involved.
115
00:04:45,858 --> 00:04:49,825
Oh no... not the department you
want as the arbiter of humor.
116
00:04:49,850 --> 00:04:51,528
You know who's sneaky funny?
117
00:04:51,553 --> 00:04:52,501
Payroll.
118
00:04:52,526 --> 00:04:55,201
Look, Emily, we're really sorry
you got dragged into this.
119
00:04:55,226 --> 00:04:57,845
This is one of those rare
occasions where our joy
120
00:04:57,870 --> 00:04:59,878
is worth the suffering
it causes others.
121
00:04:59,903 --> 00:05:02,571
Well, I'm gonna be on the
phone for the next five hours
122
00:05:02,596 --> 00:05:03,665
getting you guys out of trouble.
123
00:05:03,689 --> 00:05:05,359
So, I'm not demanding it,
124
00:05:05,384 --> 00:05:07,321
but a large smoothie from the
place that I like on the corner
125
00:05:07,345 --> 00:05:08,771
would be a really
thoughtful surprise.
126
00:05:08,795 --> 00:05:10,235
Oh... absolutely Emily.
127
00:05:10,260 --> 00:05:13,007
In fact, I'm gonna get
smoothies for the entire office,
128
00:05:13,032 --> 00:05:14,469
including you, Dolores.
129
00:05:14,494 --> 00:05:15,556
Just a gentle reminder,
130
00:05:15,581 --> 00:05:17,866
those cups need to be rinsed
before they're recycled.
131
00:05:17,891 --> 00:05:18,578
You bet.
132
00:05:18,603 --> 00:05:20,702
Along with the 400
straws I'm bringing you.
133
00:05:23,258 --> 00:05:25,181
Again, so sorry.
134
00:05:25,206 --> 00:05:28,541
No, absolutely Captain, I
hear you loud and clear.
135
00:05:28,566 --> 00:05:30,575
I added the
papaya extract boost.
136
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:31,524
Thank you.
137
00:05:31,549 --> 00:05:32,766
It's
an antioxidant.
138
00:05:32,790 --> 00:05:34,545
I figured with all
the truck exhaust
139
00:05:34,570 --> 00:05:35,576
and environmental toxins...
140
00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:36,911
You know
I read about that.
141
00:05:36,935 --> 00:05:38,346
Do you know what else
is supposed to be...
142
00:05:38,370 --> 00:05:40,190
No, absolutely. I agree.
143
00:05:40,218 --> 00:05:42,883
It's a very, very
serious incident.
144
00:05:42,908 --> 00:05:45,067
is
pomegranate extract.
145
00:05:45,092 --> 00:05:47,015
I've been taking it,
like, before breakfast
146
00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:49,108
and I feel like I notice
a difference in my skin.
147
00:05:49,133 --> 00:05:50,407
Yeah.
You got a glow.
148
00:05:50,431 --> 00:05:51,086
Really?
149
00:05:51,111 --> 00:05:52,499
What are you
doing for sun protection?
150
00:05:52,523 --> 00:05:54,870
Like, SPF 50
and, like, a big floppy hat...
151
00:05:54,895 --> 00:05:56,634
No... exactly, Captain.
152
00:05:56,659 --> 00:06:00,338
No, I... I spoke to the officers
and it won't happen again.
153
00:06:00,363 --> 00:06:01,776
Okay.
Super triple promise.
154
00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:03,520
I'm leaving now. Sorry.
155
00:06:03,588 --> 00:06:05,330
Oh
wait! I forgot.
156
00:06:05,364 --> 00:06:07,311
I got you this
morning glory muffin.
157
00:06:07,336 --> 00:06:08,564
Crazy amount of fiber.
158
00:06:08,589 --> 00:06:09,494
Not that you need it.
159
00:06:09,519 --> 00:06:11,448
You don't come off as
constipated at all.
160
00:06:12,972 --> 00:06:15,184
You know I'm not a fan
of Templeton but come on,
161
00:06:15,209 --> 00:06:16,558
you went too far.
162
00:06:16,583 --> 00:06:18,983
Since at least the bronze
age, pranks have been employed
163
00:06:19,008 --> 00:06:21,917
as a necessary form
of workplace justice.
164
00:06:21,942 --> 00:06:23,677
Look... I don't like
to get grandiose.
165
00:06:23,702 --> 00:06:24,847
Oh, you love to get grandiose.
166
00:06:24,871 --> 00:06:26,271
That's true, I am
pretty good at it.
167
00:06:26,315 --> 00:06:28,090
But if jerks like Templeton
go left unchecked,
168
00:06:28,114 --> 00:06:29,379
they become Vladimir Putin.
169
00:06:29,404 --> 00:06:31,721
So sometimes the
children of light
170
00:06:31,746 --> 00:06:34,004
have to employ the methods
of the children of darkness.
171
00:06:34,035 --> 00:06:34,701
What?
172
00:06:34,726 --> 00:06:37,114
A simple thank you is all I ask.
173
00:06:37,144 --> 00:06:38,936
And now... good day.
174
00:06:40,864 --> 00:06:41,988
Ugh.
175
00:06:42,607 --> 00:06:44,440
He's insufferable!
176
00:06:44,712 --> 00:06:47,655
That dude deserves some
serious karmic payback.
177
00:06:47,712 --> 00:06:49,632
I don't really believe in karma.
178
00:06:51,174 --> 00:06:54,017
Too many bad things happen to
me when I don't have it coming.
179
00:07:01,189 --> 00:07:03,201
I found this in
the recycling bin.
180
00:07:03,226 --> 00:07:04,168
It's Frank's.
181
00:07:04,193 --> 00:07:05,603
Okay, you don't know that.
182
00:07:05,628 --> 00:07:07,616
It's a size 14 and it
reeks of arrogance.
183
00:07:07,641 --> 00:07:09,742
Can you just give me a sec?
184
00:07:09,767 --> 00:07:11,439
What's with the
pictures of Shred?
185
00:07:12,305 --> 00:07:13,305
Uh, no... nothing.
186
00:07:13,330 --> 00:07:15,606
I was... I was doing some,
uh, paperwork and I...
187
00:07:15,631 --> 00:07:17,029
"Shred Taylor penis"?
188
00:07:17,054 --> 00:07:18,685
No! No, no, no.
That's not... no.
189
00:07:18,722 --> 00:07:20,479
Why were you Googling that?
190
00:07:20,504 --> 00:07:21,744
No, I... I wasn't.
191
00:07:22,045 --> 00:07:24,045
Well, I was looking
up Shred because of,
192
00:07:24,070 --> 00:07:26,270
like, professional, totally
above-board reasons...
193
00:07:26,295 --> 00:07:28,515
um... and I think I just,
I clicked the wrong button.
194
00:07:28,540 --> 00:07:30,557
Do you have a thing for him?
195
00:07:30,582 --> 00:07:31,582
No.
196
00:07:31,690 --> 00:07:34,267
No! No. He's my employee.
197
00:07:34,292 --> 00:07:35,900
And he has a girlfriend.
198
00:07:35,925 --> 00:07:39,025
And regardless of
that it's... no.
199
00:07:39,050 --> 00:07:41,860
His penis is frozen?
200
00:07:42,519 --> 00:07:44,778
Yeah. Yeah.
201
00:07:44,803 --> 00:07:47,338
Is or was, I don't
know. It's unclear.
202
00:07:47,363 --> 00:07:48,997
How did you even find that?
203
00:07:49,022 --> 00:07:50,964
It's the third thing
that pops up. Okay?
204
00:07:50,989 --> 00:07:53,103
It was "Shred Taylor."
"Shred Taylor Half-pipe."
205
00:07:53,128 --> 00:07:54,436
"Shred Taylor Frozen Penis."
206
00:07:54,461 --> 00:07:55,855
You totally have
a thing for him.
207
00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:56,781
No!
208
00:07:56,806 --> 00:07:58,640
We've just been
carpooling a lot and...
209
00:07:58,665 --> 00:08:00,096
and we like the
same cheesy music,
210
00:08:00,121 --> 00:08:02,730
and I would never act on
it, but, like... yeah.
211
00:08:02,755 --> 00:08:04,059
I looked him up
and it turns out,
212
00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:05,683
when he was injured
on the slopes,
213
00:08:05,708 --> 00:08:09,124
his, um... extremities
were impacted by the cold.
214
00:08:09,149 --> 00:08:11,752
It's, like, a real-life
condition that affects Sherpas
215
00:08:11,777 --> 00:08:14,647
and ice fisherman
and snowboarders.
216
00:08:15,175 --> 00:08:16,175
Well...
217
00:08:16,822 --> 00:08:17,822
Well what?
218
00:08:18,782 --> 00:08:19,522
Does it work?
219
00:08:19,547 --> 00:08:20,914
Okay. Dolores...
220
00:08:20,939 --> 00:08:22,905
None of the articles
say anything about that
221
00:08:22,930 --> 00:08:25,447
which is crazy 'cause it's
all anyone wants to know.
222
00:08:25,472 --> 00:08:27,805
It's probably fine but you
should stop researching it,
223
00:08:27,830 --> 00:08:29,346
it's just gonna make
your crush worse.
224
00:08:29,371 --> 00:08:30,531
I don't want it to be fine.
225
00:08:30,556 --> 00:08:32,465
That's the whole thing,
if it's... if it's broken
226
00:08:32,489 --> 00:08:33,646
or if it's, like,
at a weird angle,
227
00:08:33,670 --> 00:08:35,071
or if it's just,
like, straight-up gone
228
00:08:35,095 --> 00:08:37,258
then I can just let this go.
229
00:08:38,398 --> 00:08:41,356
I'll go get my laptop. We'll
get to the bottom of this.
230
00:08:41,381 --> 00:08:45,316
- This is gonna be so much fun!
- Oh, boy.
231
00:08:47,515 --> 00:08:49,107
Oh crap, it's still on.
232
00:08:49,132 --> 00:08:50,132
What?
233
00:08:50,934 --> 00:08:52,174
Maya hired a photographer
234
00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:53,865
to shoot our Christmas
card tonight.
235
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:55,142
And I've got boobs.
236
00:08:55,167 --> 00:08:56,517
Oh, no you don't.
237
00:08:56,542 --> 00:08:58,390
I was gonna lose 10
pounds before the shoot.
238
00:08:58,415 --> 00:09:00,384
But then you know what
happened? I didn't.
239
00:09:00,409 --> 00:09:04,001
She got matching white satin
shirts for the whole family.
240
00:09:04,026 --> 00:09:05,768
White satin, Victoria.
241
00:09:05,793 --> 00:09:07,627
Your wife's insane.
Postpone it.
242
00:09:07,652 --> 00:09:09,760
I think it's weird to be
doing it this early anyway.
243
00:09:09,785 --> 00:09:11,865
It's a competition
thing with her sister.
244
00:09:11,890 --> 00:09:13,131
And we're never gonna win.
245
00:09:13,156 --> 00:09:14,805
They're a much more
attractive family.
246
00:09:14,830 --> 00:09:15,910
Oh yeah, you showed me a photo.
247
00:09:15,934 --> 00:09:16,849
They're gorgeous.
248
00:09:16,874 --> 00:09:17,627
Hey!
249
00:09:18,363 --> 00:09:21,762
Anyone wanna volunteer for my
vaccination clinic Saturday?
250
00:09:21,805 --> 00:09:23,859
- Oh, I would love that.
- Yeah, I would love to.
251
00:09:23,883 --> 00:09:25,191
- That sounds great!
- Yes! Absolutely.
252
00:09:25,215 --> 00:09:26,428
Great, thanks.
253
00:09:26,453 --> 00:09:28,697
My post-doc resident, Serge,
will be covering for me.
254
00:09:28,741 --> 00:09:31,058
- Ooh...
- Did you say this Saturday?
255
00:09:31,083 --> 00:09:32,878
Ooh, I've got a kid's
soccer game actually.
256
00:09:32,903 --> 00:09:34,402
Actually, I'm free.
257
00:09:34,673 --> 00:09:35,345
Really?
258
00:09:35,370 --> 00:09:36,164
Yeah. Totally.
259
00:09:36,194 --> 00:09:37,335
You're my hero.
260
00:09:39,536 --> 00:09:40,847
You know what, I can do it.
261
00:09:40,872 --> 00:09:43,039
I have experience. I can
move some stuff around.
262
00:09:43,064 --> 00:09:44,139
Now you're my hero.
263
00:09:44,164 --> 00:09:46,940
No. It's about the
dogs, not about me.
264
00:09:46,977 --> 00:09:48,050
Aww.
265
00:09:49,334 --> 00:09:50,360
You bought that?
266
00:09:50,385 --> 00:09:53,366
You just gave up your Saturday
and you still have no shot.
267
00:09:53,391 --> 00:09:56,149
I'm sorry. Did you get an
"aww" from the Hot Vet?
268
00:09:56,174 --> 00:09:57,949
Are you her hero?
269
00:09:58,648 --> 00:09:59,575
Oh, and Frank...
270
00:10:00,381 --> 00:10:02,172
I heard what you
did to Templeton,
271
00:10:02,197 --> 00:10:04,444
and I shouldn't admit
this, but hilarious.
272
00:10:05,281 --> 00:10:06,482
Thanks.
273
00:10:07,260 --> 00:10:11,239
You know, it's rare when
a hero is also so funny.
274
00:10:11,264 --> 00:10:12,279
Am I right?
275
00:10:12,691 --> 00:10:14,002
I don't think it was that funny.
276
00:10:14,989 --> 00:10:17,290
Oh, shoot. False alarm.
277
00:10:18,962 --> 00:10:19,962
You got me.
278
00:10:19,987 --> 00:10:22,557
I can't stop
thinking about that kid.
279
00:10:22,923 --> 00:10:23,905
What kid?
280
00:10:23,930 --> 00:10:25,585
The kid that's gonna come home,
281
00:10:25,610 --> 00:10:28,059
find his favorite stuffed
animal blown to smithereens,
282
00:10:28,084 --> 00:10:30,079
lying headless in the driveway.
283
00:10:30,173 --> 00:10:30,839
That kid.
284
00:10:30,864 --> 00:10:32,305
Look... I'm in a good mood.
285
00:10:32,330 --> 00:10:33,747
Why are you trying
to bring me down?
286
00:10:33,772 --> 00:10:35,750
It's just... maybe we
should try to replace it.
287
00:10:35,775 --> 00:10:36,674
Okay. What the hell?
288
00:10:36,699 --> 00:10:38,091
After lunch we'll
stop by a toy store.
289
00:10:38,115 --> 00:10:39,184
- Nice.
- You happy?
290
00:10:39,209 --> 00:10:40,133
- Yes.
- Alright.
291
00:10:42,067 --> 00:10:44,400
Whoa. This day just
keeps getting better.
292
00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:46,511
You have her under "Hot Vet"?
293
00:10:46,536 --> 00:10:47,896
Yeah, I can't believe
she's texting me.
294
00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:49,770
Okay, I gotta... I gotta focus.
295
00:10:55,217 --> 00:10:56,142
What are you gonna say?
296
00:10:56,167 --> 00:10:57,024
I don't know.
297
00:10:57,049 --> 00:10:59,366
I wanna engage without
coming on too strong.
298
00:11:02,907 --> 00:11:05,266
Okay. Okay. Okay,
okay, okay, okay.
299
00:11:05,291 --> 00:11:08,943
What do you think of this?
300
00:11:10,897 --> 00:11:11,913
You nailed it.
301
00:11:11,994 --> 00:11:13,138
Send.
302
00:11:14,250 --> 00:11:17,044
Ha, ha! Bingo!
303
00:11:17,069 --> 00:11:18,418
He's on the hook.
304
00:11:18,443 --> 00:11:19,367
What'd he say?
305
00:11:19,401 --> 00:11:20,551
Just "hey".
306
00:11:20,611 --> 00:11:22,405
He's trying to play it
down like it's no big deal
307
00:11:22,429 --> 00:11:24,854
but I know that he's as giddy
as a little school girl.
308
00:11:24,879 --> 00:11:26,039
What are we gonna text him?
309
00:11:26,064 --> 00:11:28,415
No, nothing yet. I'm
gonna make him sweat.
310
00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:29,256
But thank you.
311
00:11:29,281 --> 00:11:31,821
Yes. By the way. This
was a genius idea.
312
00:11:31,846 --> 00:11:33,271
My wife does it all the time.
313
00:11:33,296 --> 00:11:34,629
I'll leave my phone somewhere
314
00:11:34,654 --> 00:11:35,734
and when she calls me,
315
00:11:35,759 --> 00:11:37,416
her name comes up as
"suburban sex goddess"
316
00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:38,439
or "spicy mama".
317
00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:40,312
Or "need almond milk".
318
00:11:40,337 --> 00:11:41,724
That one's just when
she needs almond milk.
319
00:11:41,748 --> 00:11:43,164
- No, I... I got that.
- Yeah.
320
00:11:43,189 --> 00:11:44,093
Anything?
321
00:11:44,118 --> 00:11:46,160
Nothing. Total silence.
322
00:11:47,432 --> 00:11:48,994
Three dots and a
bubble, here we go!
323
00:11:49,019 --> 00:11:51,357
So, she's crafting
her words carefully.
324
00:11:51,382 --> 00:11:53,201
- Oh, hell yeah.
- Come on.
325
00:11:53,226 --> 00:11:56,895
Okay, how does this sound?
My thing got cancelled.
326
00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:59,584
"so, you'll be stuck with
me all day Saturday."
327
00:11:59,609 --> 00:12:00,328
Yes!
328
00:12:00,353 --> 00:12:02,316
Dude, have some champagne
chilled in the truck,
329
00:12:02,341 --> 00:12:03,270
just in case.
330
00:12:03,295 --> 00:12:05,595
Right? It does feel
officially safe to get cocky.
331
00:12:05,626 --> 00:12:06,548
Yes.
332
00:12:13,854 --> 00:12:15,475
Okay, there's
gotta be something.
333
00:12:15,500 --> 00:12:16,673
Do you have anything?
334
00:12:16,698 --> 00:12:19,168
Zero. And some of the
websites I stumbled onto
335
00:12:19,193 --> 00:12:20,188
were not what I was thinking
336
00:12:20,213 --> 00:12:22,213
and I'm scared there's
gonna be a knock on my door.
337
00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:23,798
Okay, this is maddening.
338
00:12:23,823 --> 00:12:26,081
I cannot be the only
person in the universe
339
00:12:26,106 --> 00:12:28,456
who wants to know the condition
of Shred Taylor's penis.
340
00:12:28,497 --> 00:12:32,141
Alright. I'm gonna use Patel's
computer and hit the dark web.
341
00:12:34,778 --> 00:12:36,292
None of these are big enough.
342
00:12:36,317 --> 00:12:39,566
Okay. She just said, "is
it weird I'm texting you?
343
00:12:39,591 --> 00:12:41,533
"You know, since
we're coworkers".
344
00:12:41,569 --> 00:12:43,047
Well, that's a good
point, you know,
345
00:12:43,072 --> 00:12:44,272
'cause it could get awkward.
346
00:12:44,297 --> 00:12:45,922
Are you sure you
wanna take it there?
347
00:12:45,950 --> 00:12:47,066
I would take a
lifetime of awkward
348
00:12:47,090 --> 00:12:48,899
just to spend one
night with her.
349
00:12:48,924 --> 00:12:50,155
So, what do you think of this?
350
00:12:51,370 --> 00:12:52,961
Maybe a little.
351
00:12:52,986 --> 00:12:55,310
No. Don't say that. You're
gonna get in her head.
352
00:12:55,335 --> 00:12:56,483
Exactly. Keep her off balance.
353
00:12:56,507 --> 00:12:57,669
Why would you wanna do that?
354
00:12:57,698 --> 00:12:59,326
This is a game of chess,
it's a battle of wits.
355
00:12:59,350 --> 00:13:01,280
No, it's more like a dance.
356
00:13:01,305 --> 00:13:02,213
And I'm not saying that
357
00:13:02,238 --> 00:13:04,216
just 'cause I don't
know how to play chess.
358
00:13:04,241 --> 00:13:07,259
Hold her hand. See where
the music takes you.
359
00:13:07,284 --> 00:13:09,095
I haven't been on a
date in five months
360
00:13:09,138 --> 00:13:11,121
so I'm not letting
you get in my head.
361
00:13:11,177 --> 00:13:13,172
I'm sticking with
chess. I'm sending it.
362
00:13:13,208 --> 00:13:14,423
Fine.
363
00:13:15,016 --> 00:13:16,254
But we're wasting our time.
364
00:13:16,284 --> 00:13:18,170
I know where to get a
giant stuffed animal.
365
00:13:18,195 --> 00:13:20,287
Wait. They have really
good puzzles here.
366
00:13:21,314 --> 00:13:23,055
"Maybe a little."
367
00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:25,551
What a jerk. Who
even says that?
368
00:13:25,917 --> 00:13:27,158
Are you listening to me?
369
00:13:28,414 --> 00:13:30,581
I'm spinning out about
this damn Christmas card.
370
00:13:30,606 --> 00:13:32,865
I'm gonna be on refrigerators
all over Seattle.
371
00:13:32,917 --> 00:13:34,753
A diet inspiration for
pudgy, middle-aged men.
372
00:13:34,778 --> 00:13:36,904
I just find it hilarious
that mister slobbering
373
00:13:36,929 --> 00:13:40,058
all over himself is suddenly
mister self-control.
374
00:13:40,083 --> 00:13:41,320
He takes, like, 10 minutes
375
00:13:41,365 --> 00:13:43,320
to craft each of his
three-word replies.
376
00:13:43,345 --> 00:13:45,518
I'm gonna be a white
satin man boob reminder
377
00:13:45,543 --> 00:13:46,703
to put down the ice cream.
378
00:13:46,728 --> 00:13:49,137
I wanna help my community,
yeah, but not like that.
379
00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:51,706
I'm gonna tell him I had a
dream about him last night.
380
00:13:52,046 --> 00:13:54,078
No, that's mean.
Don't do that.
381
00:13:54,103 --> 00:13:55,385
Too mean or good mean?
382
00:13:55,705 --> 00:13:56,693
You know what I think?
383
00:13:56,718 --> 00:13:57,844
What do you think?
384
00:13:57,869 --> 00:13:59,795
I don't think you're getting
off on the cruelty of the prank,
385
00:13:59,819 --> 00:14:01,594
I think you're just getting off.
386
00:14:01,619 --> 00:14:02,619
What?
387
00:14:02,644 --> 00:14:04,869
Yeah. I think
you like the flirtation.
388
00:14:05,085 --> 00:14:06,016
I think you like him.
389
00:14:06,041 --> 00:14:07,194
Frank? That's crazy.
390
00:14:07,219 --> 00:14:09,113
Okay, then why...
why are you blushing?
391
00:14:09,138 --> 00:14:10,115
I'm not blushing.
392
00:14:10,140 --> 00:14:12,124
I'm emotionally tormenting
someone because it's fun.
393
00:14:12,148 --> 00:14:13,148
Mmhmm.
394
00:14:13,457 --> 00:14:15,343
I've got my flaws
and I'm fine with it.
395
00:14:15,397 --> 00:14:16,868
At least your flaws
are on the inside.
396
00:14:16,892 --> 00:14:17,892
Right?
397
00:14:17,917 --> 00:14:19,468
Truck
eight. Please respond.
398
00:14:19,493 --> 00:14:21,662
Kangaroo escaped
from the Seattle Zoo.
399
00:14:21,687 --> 00:14:24,494
Zookeeper is requesting
back-up. 101 East Webster.
400
00:14:25,633 --> 00:14:27,058
Truck eight responding.
401
00:14:27,083 --> 00:14:28,969
Okay. I'm gonna
need you to focus.
402
00:14:28,994 --> 00:14:30,753
Okay. I'm bringing
out the big guns.
403
00:14:30,778 --> 00:14:32,852
I'm gonna blow his
horny little mind.
404
00:14:35,737 --> 00:14:37,173
Come on... no service?
405
00:14:37,198 --> 00:14:39,538
What is it, the bumper
cars are interfering?
406
00:14:39,563 --> 00:14:41,821
Will you please knock these
down so we can get outta here.
407
00:14:41,845 --> 00:14:43,340
I'm trying, Frank.
408
00:14:45,812 --> 00:14:47,401
What is going on? I thought
you were an athlete.
409
00:14:47,425 --> 00:14:49,595
Yeah, in a leg-based sport.
This is, like, an arm sport.
410
00:14:49,619 --> 00:14:50,768
There's wrist stuff...
411
00:14:50,793 --> 00:14:52,461
I gotta get back
into cell service.
412
00:14:53,127 --> 00:14:55,104
See? It's not so easy.
413
00:14:55,129 --> 00:14:56,129
Excuse me. Sir?
414
00:14:56,154 --> 00:14:58,230
How much for that huge
lion on the top row?
415
00:14:58,269 --> 00:14:59,665
Prizes are not for sale.
416
00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:00,368
Look at that, Shred.
417
00:15:00,410 --> 00:15:02,037
We found the one
carny with scruples.
418
00:15:02,062 --> 00:15:02,980
Can you believe it?
419
00:15:03,005 --> 00:15:03,929
We can... we can earn it.
420
00:15:03,962 --> 00:15:06,738
Okay. Well, how about... now?
421
00:15:08,843 --> 00:15:11,045
That might get you something
from the second row.
422
00:15:11,070 --> 00:15:12,279
Like a little badger.
423
00:15:12,304 --> 00:15:13,292
But are you serious?
424
00:15:13,317 --> 00:15:15,323
We need the lion, Frank.
425
00:15:15,433 --> 00:15:17,517
How much for something
from the top row?
426
00:15:18,008 --> 00:15:19,108
Three badgers.
427
00:15:20,288 --> 00:15:22,082
There's a cash machine
by the funnel cakes.
428
00:15:22,107 --> 00:15:23,211
Two and a half badgers!
429
00:15:23,236 --> 00:15:24,327
This is extortion.
430
00:15:24,352 --> 00:15:26,592
This was a very
reasonable bribe.
431
00:15:27,032 --> 00:15:28,289
Excuse me, guys, sorry.
432
00:15:28,314 --> 00:15:30,354
Excuse me, coming
through guys. Thank you.
433
00:15:30,379 --> 00:15:31,777
Officer Patel, This
is Officer Sands.
434
00:15:31,801 --> 00:15:33,174
What's the situation?
435
00:15:33,199 --> 00:15:36,350
Jumping Jack. Second
time he's escaped.
436
00:15:36,375 --> 00:15:37,984
Anyway, we got him trapped.
437
00:15:38,009 --> 00:15:38,917
What do you need from us?
438
00:15:38,942 --> 00:15:39,599
Not much.
439
00:15:39,624 --> 00:15:42,084
Just stay here and help
keep away the looky-loos.
440
00:15:42,172 --> 00:15:43,172
- Hmm.
- 'Kay.
441
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:44,366
Alright, Jack.
442
00:15:44,450 --> 00:15:46,208
Don't you need, like,
a net or something?
443
00:15:46,244 --> 00:15:48,276
No, just grab him by the tail.
444
00:15:48,301 --> 00:15:49,301
Sure.
445
00:15:49,326 --> 00:15:51,652
Alright, Jack.
Vacation's over, buddy.
446
00:15:51,677 --> 00:15:52,934
Okay. Whoa!
447
00:15:53,014 --> 00:15:53,921
Um...
448
00:15:54,015 --> 00:15:55,421
What... what should we do?
449
00:15:55,446 --> 00:15:58,947
Stand your ground. We'll
sneak up from behind.
450
00:15:58,972 --> 00:16:00,805
Ooh... hey mate.
451
00:16:00,859 --> 00:16:01,859
Just like this?
452
00:16:02,401 --> 00:16:04,033
G'day. Hello.
453
00:16:04,058 --> 00:16:05,247
What's he doing?
454
00:16:07,106 --> 00:16:10,571
Don't mess with me, kangaroo.
I boxed Golden Gloves.
455
00:16:11,453 --> 00:16:13,098
He's got a crazy
look in his eye.
456
00:16:13,123 --> 00:16:13,985
Keep him engaged.
457
00:16:14,010 --> 00:16:16,018
Roger. I'll amp
up the trash talk.
458
00:16:16,043 --> 00:16:17,969
What do you weigh, 140? Huh?
459
00:16:17,994 --> 00:16:19,698
Welterweight's got
nothing on me, Jack.
460
00:16:19,723 --> 00:16:20,960
I'm 160.
461
00:16:20,985 --> 00:16:23,557
Wouldn't telling him your
real weight be scarier?
462
00:16:23,582 --> 00:16:25,651
Don't press on my insecurities!
463
00:16:25,676 --> 00:16:27,206
He doesn't seem afraid of you.
464
00:16:27,231 --> 00:16:30,140
Oh yeah? You ready to go? Huh?
465
00:16:30,165 --> 00:16:31,348
'Cause I'm ready to go.
466
00:16:32,282 --> 00:16:33,206
Oh!
467
00:16:33,231 --> 00:16:37,282
That's gotta hurt,
yeah. You okay?
468
00:16:37,307 --> 00:16:39,514
Keep it up, just
a little longer.
469
00:16:39,539 --> 00:16:40,574
Is that all you got?
470
00:16:43,168 --> 00:16:47,070
Oh, mate. Ow,
yeah. Down you go.
471
00:16:47,095 --> 00:16:48,951
Okay. We got him!
472
00:16:48,976 --> 00:16:51,389
- Good work, officer.
- See ya, mate.
473
00:16:51,787 --> 00:16:52,790
See ya.
474
00:16:53,915 --> 00:16:57,552
How you doing down there?
Yeah? You a bit winded?
475
00:16:57,577 --> 00:16:59,657
Come on, come
on, come on, come on.
476
00:17:00,489 --> 00:17:02,491
Oh! Finally, a
signal. Three bars.
477
00:17:03,594 --> 00:17:06,094
She... she wants me
to come over tonight
478
00:17:06,119 --> 00:17:08,545
for a quote unquote drink.
479
00:17:08,570 --> 00:17:11,996
Holy moly! The Hot Vet and me!
480
00:17:12,021 --> 00:17:14,122
Knight to queen four!
481
00:17:15,297 --> 00:17:17,348
- What?
- It's chess!
482
00:17:23,966 --> 00:17:26,119
I can't believe I got my
ass kicked by a kangaroo.
483
00:17:26,144 --> 00:17:27,499
Hmm.
484
00:17:27,638 --> 00:17:30,200
Ooh! Mrs. Claus is texting you.
485
00:17:30,225 --> 00:17:32,225
Crap. I forgot about
the photo shoot.
486
00:17:34,187 --> 00:17:37,584
Which I no longer have to do.
487
00:17:37,609 --> 00:17:39,053
Maya's not gonna
want a Christmas card
488
00:17:39,077 --> 00:17:41,061
with this hideous face on it.
489
00:17:44,271 --> 00:17:46,421
Everything's coming up Patel.
490
00:18:10,553 --> 00:18:12,871
Uh... by any chance
491
00:18:12,896 --> 00:18:15,789
are you someone we
work with's roommate?
492
00:18:16,189 --> 00:18:17,797
The Hot Vet just doesn't
seem like the type
493
00:18:17,821 --> 00:18:19,899
to do something like this.
494
00:18:19,924 --> 00:18:21,984
Collette, Frank. Her
name is Collette.
495
00:18:22,009 --> 00:18:24,743
Collette the vet?
That's unfortunate.
496
00:18:24,768 --> 00:18:26,928
This is ridiculous. I'm
just gonna call her.
497
00:18:29,642 --> 00:18:31,042
Yes.
498
00:18:32,832 --> 00:18:33,832
Hello.
499
00:18:33,857 --> 00:18:36,089
Victoria? What are you
doing with Hot Vet's phone?
500
00:18:36,114 --> 00:18:38,194
You tell me. You're
the expert on pranks.
501
00:18:39,263 --> 00:18:40,405
Oh, my God, it was you?
502
00:18:40,430 --> 00:18:42,609
Sometimes the
children of the light
503
00:18:42,634 --> 00:18:45,917
need to use the methods of
the children of darkness.
504
00:18:45,945 --> 00:18:47,186
The whole time?
505
00:18:47,211 --> 00:18:48,284
How does it feel?
506
00:18:48,309 --> 00:18:49,729
Bad. It
feels really bad.
507
00:18:49,754 --> 00:18:50,356
Yeah.
508
00:18:50,381 --> 00:18:52,118
But I gotta say,
I'm a little impressed.
509
00:18:52,142 --> 00:18:54,996
If I were wearing a cap,
I would tip it to you.
510
00:18:55,021 --> 00:18:58,071
Oh, I would love that. But
did you learn anything?
511
00:18:58,096 --> 00:19:00,521
Yes. That I can dish it out
but I absolutely can't take it.
512
00:19:00,546 --> 00:19:02,490
So, will you stop
pranking people so much?
513
00:19:02,515 --> 00:19:03,177
No.
514
00:19:03,202 --> 00:19:05,971
But I will be more vigilant
about not getting gotten myself.
515
00:19:05,996 --> 00:19:09,463
And, I don't know when,
it may take years...
516
00:19:09,488 --> 00:19:10,578
but I will retaliate.
517
00:19:10,603 --> 00:19:11,313
Can't wait.
518
00:19:11,338 --> 00:19:12,670
Goodnight Victoria.
519
00:19:14,563 --> 00:19:16,054
Sucka lucka.
520
00:19:16,079 --> 00:19:17,130
I'm sorry, Delores,
521
00:19:17,155 --> 00:19:20,919
that you became a pawn
in Victoria's sick game.
522
00:19:20,944 --> 00:19:23,184
Leave the bottle of wine
and we'll call it even.
523
00:19:23,953 --> 00:19:25,027
I don't know.
524
00:19:25,052 --> 00:19:27,423
I had high hopes for this
evening and I splurged.
525
00:19:27,448 --> 00:19:29,322
Okay, what about one glass?
526
00:19:30,402 --> 00:19:31,634
That seems fair.
527
00:19:33,848 --> 00:19:34,984
I gotta say,
528
00:19:35,009 --> 00:19:38,928
you are being very not
horrible about all this.
529
00:19:40,690 --> 00:19:42,599
Hey, can I ask you something?
530
00:19:42,624 --> 00:19:45,389
Has Shred ever mentioned
an unusual sports injury?
531
00:19:45,414 --> 00:19:46,797
Oh, you read about
the frozen penis thing
532
00:19:46,821 --> 00:19:47,874
and wanna know if
it still works?
533
00:19:47,898 --> 00:19:49,043
There's been some discussion.
534
00:19:49,067 --> 00:19:53,335
Oh, I've asked him.
And it's... a-okay.
535
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:55,454
And I've seen it.
In the restroom.
536
00:19:55,479 --> 00:19:58,998
It's, and I don't know
how else to describe it...
537
00:19:59,534 --> 00:20:01,835
Gorgeous. It's pristine.
538
00:20:01,860 --> 00:20:03,338
Like a renaissance
artist sculpted it
539
00:20:03,363 --> 00:20:05,720
and then killed himself 'cause
he could do no finer work.
540
00:20:05,745 --> 00:20:07,769
God, that guy just
glides through life.
541
00:20:07,794 --> 00:20:09,652
The universe is truly garbage.
542
00:20:11,722 --> 00:20:13,962
Would it be unpleasant if
I joined you for a glass?
543
00:20:13,987 --> 00:20:15,779
It would not be unpleasant.
544
00:20:16,597 --> 00:20:18,677
As long as you properly
recycle that bottle.
545
00:20:19,116 --> 00:20:20,633
Did you just make a joke?
546
00:20:21,730 --> 00:20:22,730
Maybe.
547
00:20:24,676 --> 00:20:26,318
I hope the kid likes it.
548
00:20:26,343 --> 00:20:28,013
This is really nice of you.
549
00:20:28,038 --> 00:20:29,823
No... it's not
that big a deal.
550
00:20:29,848 --> 00:20:31,448
Oh.
551
00:20:34,947 --> 00:20:36,091
No...
552
00:20:36,116 --> 00:20:37,131
Okay buddy.
553
00:20:37,156 --> 00:20:38,996
Are you kidding?
554
00:20:41,185 --> 00:20:42,697
You ready to go? You alright?
555
00:20:42,722 --> 00:20:45,004
- Yeah, oh yeah.
- Okay.
556
00:20:46,225 --> 00:20:47,891
- Whoa!
- What?
557
00:20:47,916 --> 00:20:49,299
Down the street.
558
00:20:51,717 --> 00:20:52,717
Wow.
559
00:20:55,521 --> 00:20:59,024
Frank was right.
It is majestic.
560
00:20:59,502 --> 00:21:01,812
It's beautiful.
561
00:21:03,056 --> 00:21:05,130
Um... but also super dangerous
562
00:21:05,155 --> 00:21:07,797
so maybe we should get back
in the car and report it.
563
00:21:07,822 --> 00:21:09,108
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
564
00:21:09,133 --> 00:21:11,204
- We should be fast.
- Oh, my God.
565
00:21:12,180 --> 00:21:13,394
To all units...
566
00:21:13,419 --> 00:21:17,419
two off-duty officers report
a cougar at 425 Knoll Drive.
567
00:21:17,723 --> 00:21:19,389
Officer Dutch responding.
568
00:21:19,414 --> 00:21:21,690
I am instructing the
reporting officers
569
00:21:21,715 --> 00:21:24,220
to take their fake cougar
and shove it up their-
570
00:21:26,621 --> 00:21:27,621
Over.
571
00:21:31,587 --> 00:21:32,919
No one can know about this.
572
00:21:32,944 --> 00:21:34,535
Obviously.
573
00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:36,893
This was like a one...
one-and-a-half time thing.
574
00:21:36,935 --> 00:21:38,502
Obviously.40810
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