All language subtitles for About.Time.2013.BluRay.720p.x264.DTS-HDWinG

TIM: I always knew we were a fairly
odd family. First there was me.

Too tall. Too skinny.
Too orange.

My mum was lovely,
but not like other mums.

There was
something solid about her.

Something rectangular,
busy and unsentimental.

Her fashion icon was the Queen.

Dad, well, he was more normal. He always
seemed to have time on his hands.

After giving up teaching university
students on his 50th birthday,

he was eternally available
for a leisurely chat or

to let me win at table tennis.

Ahh!
Oh, yes.

And then there was Mum's
brother, Uncle Desmond.

Always impeccably dressed. He
spent the days just, well,

being Uncle Desmond.

He was the most charming and least
clever man you could ever meet.

His mind was on other things,
though we never found out what.

And then,
finally there was Catherine.

Katie. Kit Kat. My sister.

In a household of sensible jackets
and haircuts there was this,

well, what can I call her,
nature thing.

With her elfin eyes, her purple
T-shirts and her eternally bare feet,

she was then,
and still is to me,

about the most wonderful
thing in the world.

(WHOOPS)

All in all, it was
a pretty good childhood.

Full of repeated
rhythms and patterns.

By the time I was 21,
we were still

having tea on the beach
every single day.

Skimming stones and
eating sandwiches,

summer and winter,
no matter what the weather.

Oh!
(ALL LAUGHING)

And every Friday evening,
a film,

no matter what the weather.

And then once a year, the
dreaded New Year's Eve party.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Yeah, I might just get one.

You're absolutely gorgeous.

I'm Katie.
What am I drinking?

This is very expensive stuff.

Cheers.
Cheers.

(POP MUSIC
CONTINUES PLAYING)

(PEOPLE SINGING ALONG)

Come on, it's nearly midnight.

We're all going through.
We're going through.

Look, I've gotta find you a...
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Oh, God!

Everyone makes little mistakes.
It's fine. Come on.

ALL: ...6, 5,

4, 3, 2, 1.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year.

Sorry.

TIM: And so I woke up
the next morning,

hung-over,
ashamed of myself,

and not realising
it was the day

that would change
my life forever.

(DOOR OPENING)

Get up, stupid.

Dad wants you.
(GROANS)

Oh, hello.
Sexy pyjamas.

DAD: Ah, Tim, come in.

Uh, do

sit down.

That's very formal.

Well, um, yeah.

This is an odd moment for me

because I had
the same moment with my

father when I'd just
turned 21, and after it,

my life was never the same, so I
approach it pretty, um, nervously.

Okay.

When you're ready.
It's all very mysterious.

Uh... Right.

Tim, my dear son, the, uh...

The simple fact is
the men in this family

have always had
the ability to...

This is going to sound strange,

be prepared for strangeness.
Get ready for spooky time,

but there's this family secret.

And the secret is that
the men in the family can

travel in time.

Well, more accurately,
travel back in time.

We can't travel
into the future.

This is such a weird joke.

It's seriously not a joke.

So you're saying that you and
granddad, and his brothers

could all travel back in time?
Absolutely.

And you still do?
Absolutely.

Although it's not as dramatic as it sounds.
It's only in my own life.

I can only go to places where I
actually was and can remember.

I can't kill Hitler or shag
Helen of Troy, unfortunately.

Okay, stop.

Um... (EXHALES)

If it's true, which it isn't.
Although it is.

Although it isn't, obviously.
But if it was, which it's not.

Which it is.

Which it isn't.
But if it was, how would I...

The "How" is
the easy bit, in fact.

You go into a dark place,
big cupboards are

very useful generally.
Toilets, at a pinch.

Then you clench
your fists like this.

Think of the moment
you're going to

and you'll find yourself there.

After a bit of a stumble
and a rumble and a tumble.

Wow.

Is as good a reaction as any.

I think I plumped for "fuck!"
but it was the '70s.

No, this is
so obviously a joke.

It's not a joke.

Why would I lie to someone I'm

fairly fond of?

Okay.

But, when I come
back downstairs

after standing in a cupboard
with my fists clenched,

you're gonna be
in so much trouble.

(CHUCKLING) Well,
let's see, shall we?

Mmm.

Oh, and, Tim, try and
do something interesting.

So much trouble.

I mean it. Really.

(LAUGHS)

(SIGHS)

Right.

(EXHALES)

(GASPS)

(FAINT POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(EXCLAIMING IN SURPRISE)

Wow!

(SIGHS)

(POP MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

You all right, Tim?

Yes. Yeah.
Good, ace. Yeah.

Good, come on. It's nearly
midnight and we've got to find...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoo! Midnight.

ALL: 10, 9, 8, 7,

6, 5, 4,

3,2,1.

Happy New Year!

Thank you, Tim.

You're welcome, Polly.

(SIGHS)

(EXHALES)
TIM: Does Mum know?

Not a whistle.

Strange.
And what about the whole...

Butterfly effect thing.
What can I say?

We don't seem to have
messed up civilisation yet.

It's gonna be
a complicated year.

It's gonna be
a complicated life.

(SIGHS) What have you
done with it?

For me,
it's books, books, books.

I've read everything
a man could wish to.

Twice. Dickens three times.
Any first thoughts?

Well, I suppose apart from getting
a slightly better haircut...

Yeah.

...money would be
the obvious thing.

Very mixed blessing.

Utterly screwed up
your grandfather's life.

Left him without
love or friends.

I've never bumped into a
genuinely happy rich person.

It would be nice
not to have to work.

No, that's a real
recipe for disaster.

Look what happened
to Uncle Fred.

What happened to Uncle Fred?

Absolutely sod all.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Wasted his life.

You have to use it for
things that you really think

will make your life
the way you want it to be.

Come on,
really think about this.

Well,

to be honest,
I suppose, at the moment,

it would be just great if it
could help me get a girlfriend.

(EXHALES) Wow.

Massive.
Yeah.

The mothership.

TIM: For me, it was always
gonna be about love.

And that summer I walked
into the eye of the storm.

Her name was Charlotte.
Cousin of Kit Kat's

handsome but
nasty boyfriend Jimmy.

And she was staying
for two whole months.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

Just one.
Not both of them.

Tim,

will you do my back?

Absolutely!

(GIRLS GIGGLING)

Very keen!

Whoa! Oh, no. Oh, no.
(SCREAMING)

Oh, no. No, no.
No, no, no.

Is it in my hair?
Yes!

(PANTING)

Tim. Will you
do my back?

Sure. Just give us a sec.

Okay.

Thank you.

Now...

(BLOWING)

Ooh. Nice.

It's my area.

TIM: It was a summer of
suntan and torture.

I invited my foolish friend
Jay around for tennis

because I thought
he'd make me look good.

(ALL GRUNTING)

Ah! Ow!

I was wrong!

Ow! What are you doing?
Oh, no.

(SHOUTS)

(LAUGHING)
(WHOOPS)

Charlotte just made both
of us look like idiots.

Bad luck, Tim.

How the hell are you meant
to concentrate on your game?

How are you meant
to live your life

with this sort of
shit going down?

It never got better
until suddenly

it was almost too late.

Well, Charlotte,
our final lunch.

KIT KAT: No!

And it's been really, really
lovely having you all summer.

MUM: It has.

CHARLOTTE: Thank you.
Thank you.

It really has.

Hasn't it, Desmond?

Beg your pardon?

Lovely having
Charlotte here all summer.

Charlotte?
Who's Charlotte?

Come on, darling. Charlotte,
sitting next to you.

Oh, yes, of course. Of course.
Charlotte. Hi.

Lovely to meet you.

Have you enjoyed having
Charlotte here all summer, Tim?

Yeah.

DAD: There goes August.

MUM: I've introduced him to
most things, haven't I?

You did. You were
much more sophisticated.

In a quiet way,
I like to think.

CHARLOTTE: Come in.

Charlotte.
Yeah!

As it's your last night,
can I ask you a question?

Oh, yeah. Ask away.

No, wait.

It's not going to
be about love, is it?

Love? What?

Well, it's just that Kit Kat
warned me that if you

were to ever mention it,
I should be

very firm with you and tell you

you must treat me
like your sister

and not be stupid.

Or have I just made
a total fool of myself

and you were actually
going to ask me for

late night last
minute tennis tips?

No, it was the love thing.

Oh. Well.

That's very sweet of you.

It's just a shame you
left it till the last night.

You should have tried creeping along
the corridor while we still had time.

Okay, the "last night"
was a bad idea?

Very bad idea. It feels like an ever
so slightly insulting afterthought.

"Last night" was
never going to work.

All right. Good.
I've got it.

CHARLOTTE: Come in.

Tim. Hi.
Charlotte.

Hi.
Sit down.

(LAUGHS)

I know you've
probably suspected this,

but over the last month I've fallen
completely in love with you.

Now obviously
this was gonna happen

because you're
a goddess with that face

and that hair,

but even if you
didn't have a nice face,

and even if you had
absolutely no hair

because of some
bizarre medical reason,

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I'd still adore you,

and I...

I just wondered whether, by any
chance, you might share my feelings.

Wow.

I tell you what.

Why don't we see
how the summer goes

and then you ask me
again on my last night?

Your last night?
Yes.

Try me on the last night. See
what happens then, shall we?

It's exciting.

Right.

No, it's a perfect plan. That's
absolutely perfect. Last night.

Last night.

Thanks very much.

Night-night, Timmy.

TIM: Big lesson number one,

all the time travel in the world
can't make someone love you.

CHARLOTTE: Bye!

So the love of my life
just drove away.

And the very next day
it was my turn to leave.

There you go. Don't
spend it all at once.

Thanks.

Don't call too often, your mother
doesn't like to be disturbed.

(CHUCKLES)
Okay. Thanks.

(HONKS HORN)

(CAR ENGINE STARTING)

TIM: I caught the train to London in
search of a future and a girlfriend.

I was staying in St John's
Wood, near Abbey Road,

with a playwright friend
of my dad's called Harry.

It's always nice to have family connections
when you're a new kid in town.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

What the fuck do you want?

I'm James's son.

Who?

James Lake.
What about him?

He said you had a room.

Go in there and wait.

Quietly. I mean it,
don't make a sound.

Or I'll kill you.

(HARRY YELLING)

I was actually having the first
good idea I've had for a decade

when you rang on the doorbell.

But now it's gone.

You little shit.

How's your dad?

Weird cock, I always thought.
Something weird about him.

Really?

Yeah, I never really
liked him, actually.

Your mum still
look like Andy Warhol?

What?

That, by the way, is my wife.

Oh. Nice.

Yeah, you wouldn't
like her at first.

Sarcastic cow.

But eventually
you'd realise that

she's the best human
being in the world.

Which is why she
left me, of course.

Here you go.

Try not to make too much noise,
particularly when having sex.

No chance of that.

Oh, Christ,
two losers in one house.

That is my daughter.

Oh.

Have sex with her if you like.
Apparently everyone else has.

TIM: It wasn't a hopeful
set-up for romance.

And work didn't help
on that score either.

The world of law seems to
be entirely full of men.

Hello. I'm Rory. Very pleased to meet you.
A real thrill.

Well, who knows, we might become,
you know, pals, et cetera.

Who the hell are you?
Tim Lake.

Well, I hope you're
better than this clown.

Come on, Roger.

It's Rory, actually.

I've been here
a year and a half.

I'm just saying that to be nice.
It's two years actually.

TIM: So six lonely months went by
and it was still just me and Harry.

Me lawyer-ing every hour
of the day and night.

And him putting the finishing
touches to his new play.

No matter how many girls
there were in the world,

I always seemed to
end up with Rory.

Hello.

Until, out of the blue,

on a dodgy night out with dodgy
Jay, something miraculous happened.

...the waiters are,

wait for this,
right, they're blind.

Oh! You're kidding me?

I'm kidding you not.
No, as bats. As bats!

MAITRE D': Very good to
have you here, gentlemen.

I hope you enjoy
your experience.

Carlo will show
you to your table.

Great. Lead on,
maestro.

Can I have your right hand on
my right shoulder, please?

And your friend hold on to your shoulder.
Thank you.

Mind the stairs and
be prepared because

it's completely dark.

Okay, gentlemen,
if you don't mind,

I can sit you here beside
these two young ladies.

JAY: No, no.
Sounds absolutely perfect!

JOANNA: Oh, God,
you sound very perky.

I am.
And very handsome.

(LAUGHS)

MARY: Oh! Someone's there.

TIM: Hi.
Hi. I'm Mary.

I'm Tim. Mary's my
mother's name, actually.

Does it suit her?
Sort of.

Although she's sturdy, so Bernard
might have been a better fit.

(LAUGHS)

Okay.

Oh! Something just
touched my elbow.

Okay, that wasn't me.

No. Well, that just makes it worse.
If it wasn't you, who was it?

JAY: It wasn't me because I'm
touching something else.

JOANNA: Yes, and you'll stop
that right away, thank you.

So, girls, be honest,
who is more beautiful?

JOANNA: Oh, I am.
MARY: Yeah. She is.

JAY: Excellent!

MARY: Actually,
I look like Kate Moss.

TIM: Really?

No. I sort of
look like a squirrel.

(CHUCKLES)

Do you like Kate Moss?

I absolutely love her.

In fact, I almost wore one of
her dresses here tonight. You?

No, no, her clothes
look terrible on me.

(LAUGHING)

JAY: I cannot believe that it's
your birthday next week as well.

MARY: Your friend Jay is
quite enthusiastic.

TIM: I actually hate him.

What's Joanna like?

She's basically a prostitute.
Yeah. (LAUGHING)

I think it's strawberry mousse.
Ooh!

Do you want some?

Um... Okay.
I'll try it.

Okay, where's your mouth?

Uh, it's... (GIGGLES)

It's here.

Okay. Mmm... There?
Oh!

Oh, my God, what was that?

That's my eye.

I think there's a lot of...
I've got quite a lot of

strawberry mousse
in my eye now!

I'm so sorry.

No. Thank you. That's
a new sensation for me.

(LAUGHING)

So, maybe I'll see
you outside or...

Yeah. Yeah, great.

Great. Scary.

Yeah, it's a bit scary.

Oh, my God, I'm so in there.
What about you?

I don't know,
but she sounded wonderful.

Oh, shh!

Joanna?
Jay.

Christ, you're a babe.

How do you fancy
stretching the night

out a bit?
I can ditch the loser.

We've got to rush,
but help me find a cab

and I might give you my number.

Of course. Yeah.

Or I might not.
Haven't decided yet. So...

I have. It's not
gonna happen.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Hi.
Hi.

Where's...

Oh. She and Jay just...

She took him to...
I don't know.

Right.

Oh, well, I guess I'd better...

Would it be very wrong if I
asked you for your number?

No.

Just in case I ever
had to call you about...

Stuff?
Mmm-hmm.

Okay.

Would you...

It's Mary.

Mary.

Okay.

I thought this phone
was old and shit,

but suddenly it's my most
valuable possession.

You really like me?

Even my frock?

I love your frock.

And my hair?
It's not too brown?

I love brown.
(LAUGHING)

My fringe is new.

The fringe is perfect.
Fringe is the best bit.

JOANNA: Mary!

We have to go! I found a cab and his
dodgy friend is about to assault me.

Okay, I'm coming.

Two seconds.

I hope I see you again.

You Will.

Okay. Good.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

(YELLING)

What's happened?

What have you done,
you poor thing?

Nothing.
It's just a flesh wound.

Here.
Thank you.

You may remember,
my play opened tonight.

Oh, my God, yes.
How did it go?

Well. It went well.

You could tell in the room a
masterpiece was being unfurled.

Really?
Really.

Until, and this is the
crucial plot point, I think,

until the lead actor had the most
massive dry in the history of theatre.

No, no, no.
Yes, yes, yes.

He didn't just
forget his lines.

He forgot his lines
to the extent

that no actor has ever
forgotten their lines

before in
the annals of dramatic art.

The reviews won't say, "Major
masterpiece gets unveiled,"

they'll say, "Major
actor gets Alzheimer's."

It's a disaster.

Is an understatement.

It's the Titanic of play
openings, but with no survivors.

No women, no children,

not even Kate Winslet.

All dead.

Okay. I'll see
what I can do.

What does that mean?

What are you gonna do?
Ring up every critic

in London and
offer them a blowjob

if they ignore the fact that we sat
in total silence for half an hour

waiting for a moron to
remember one single line?

Not quite that.

MAN: Hello.

Hello, Sir Tom. I'm a friend of Harry's.
How's it going with the lines?

(STAMMERING) I'm sorry,
what do you mean "the lines"?

It's just, you know,
in the court scenes,

some of those lines
are pretty complex.

And I just thought maybe it
might be worth, you know,

having one last
look at the lines

before you go on.
A little refresher.

Fuck off out of here.

You arsing lunatic. Get out!
You ginger twerp. Go on!

Patronising piece of...

(GRUMBLING)

And now the Defence.

I have lived
many weary years...

It's brilliant.
...but never,

in that long catalogue
of wasted time,

have I ever seen such an atrocious
miscarriage of justice.

Do the Prosecution have
anything final to add?

(AUDIENCE MURMURING)

Sorry, excuse me. Sorry.

Do the Prosecution have
anything final to add?

(TIM CLEARS THROAT)

TIM: Psst!

(INAUDIBLE)

Gentlemen...

Gentlemen,

I regard today's proceedings
with the utmost gravity.

Nevertheless,

let us be clear of one

simple and salient thing.

It is the life

of a guilty man!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

HARRY: One of the actors appeared
to have actually fallen asleep...

Oh, here's the little prick who
walked out halfway through.

You missed the best scene,
you little twerp.

Sorry.

What did you think of the set?

I thought it was incredible.

Did you? I didn't.
Too brown.

Mary!

Oh, no.

She's gone.

Two girls in earlier tonight. One of
them the prettiest girl in the world.

The other one like a sort of nice
prostitute. Did you get their names?

Oh, yes. They left
a while ago. Let's see.

No, I'm afraid
they were walk-ins

and it appears
they paid by cash.

Sorry, sir.

Oh, that's okay.
That's fine, it's brilliant.

It's just the end of my life.
Thanks so much.

(HUMMING)

Cheer up, mate.

Apparently, you're living with
Britain's greatest living playwright.

I don't usually
read them, obviously,

but I couldn't resist this one.

"Harry Chapman
found guilty of genius."

(SINGING)

I have to go out.
Right now.

Why?

She loves Kate Moss.

Thanks for keeping
me company, Kittle.

Nothing better to do.

How's Jimmy?

Dumped me.

Ugh. Not again.

And work?
They've sacked me.

Idiots.

Coffee?
Please.

I've only just noticed this cat
in this picture. See that cat?

I do see that cat.
It's very good.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

KIT KAT: What?

TIM: It's her.

It's her!

That's her!

Shh!

You go, girl.

Sorry.

Hi.
Hi.

How are you?

I'm... I'm fine.

It's so good to see you.

Um...
We've never met before.

Oh, no, fuck.

No, of course we haven't.
No.

Sorry, I think you've
mistaken me for someone else.

No, no, no.

Your name's Mary.

That's distinctly weird.

How do you know that?

Well, you look like a Mary.

In what way?

My mum's called Mary.

I look like your mother?

No. You're much prettier.

It's a nice fringe, by the way.

God, it's new and

probably too short but...
No.

Well, gee, thank you and

listen, it was
really nice to meet you.

I should probably go because
my friend's waiting for me

and you're a,
you're a total stranger.

Total stranger.

Yeah, it's crazy stuff.

Yeah, kind of.
Okay.

Bye, Mary.
Bye.

(GROANING)

Oh, no.

How did it go?

It was very poor.

Very poor indeed, yeah.

You gotta go again.

You can do it.
Take two.

She just always... She
always looks different.

Sorry. It's me again.
(CHUCKLES)

Hi.
Sorry.

Joanna, this is...

Tim.

Hello.
Nice to meet you.

Tim is a total stranger whose
mother's name is Mary.

I just had a weird
experience with Mary here

of thinking she was someone else.
But she wasn't.

But I just wondered if I
could walk round with you

for a while because my sister
Kit Kat is about to leave...

Yeah.

Bye.
...and...

And so,

I'm about to be quite lonely.

Right. Well, I think we
should probably say no.

No, yes. But on the other hand,
he's got a quite nice smile

and sort of,
you know, fun hair.

Yeah.

All right.

But you have to promise that you are
not one of the following things.

One, a lunatic.

Yeah.
No.

Two, a fringe fetishist.

I'm just Kate Moss's
number one male fan.

Oh, God.
Really?

Yeah. God, yeah.

Do you agree that the magic
of her lies in her history?

That the informality
of her early shots

compared to this stuff
so you just always know

that, despite the high
fashion, she's still just

that cheeky normal
naked girl on the beach?

Couldn't have put
it better myself.

That's absolutely it.
I agree with that profoundly.

Huh!

Milk?

Yes.

Sugar?
No.

Boyfriend?

Yes!

No. No, you don't
have a boyfriend.

Do I not look like
I'd have a boyfriend?

Do I look like I'd
never get a boyfriend?

No. That's the rudest
thing I've ever heard.

I didn't mean it like that.
I just didn't expect...

Is it quite a new boyfriend?

Yes.

There he is.
Rupert.

Yes. He's so cute.
Rupert?

Hi, guys.

Sorry I'm late, with my dad.

Hi, Rupee.

"Rupee"?

Well, this is Tim and

we don't know him at all.

Hey, I was thinking we could
take in a film after this.

Get some mixed popcorn,
share a Coke,

snuggle.
Okay.

Okay.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

When did you two meet?
Exactly?

Well, it was only
a week ago, actually.

It's all been a bit of a
whirlwind, hasn't it, poochy face?

I'm gonna have to
teach you what you can

and can't say in
front of people.

No "poochy face"?
No.

No. Definitely not.

Come on, then. More details about
this wonderful first meeting?

RUPERT: Okay, okay.

It was, um, what...
Joanna?

Oh, June 17th.

And Jo was
having a little party.

A living hell from which
Rupert, thank God, rescued me.

And where was
this terrible party?

My brothel of a flat.

Which is where, though? That's
the question, isn't it.

What are you, a detective?

No, sorry, I've just got
a very visual imagination.

I like to imagine
stuff completely.

26 Courtfield Gardens,
SW5. Around 8:30.

Dress code, slutty.
Will that do?

Absolutely, yes.
Although I am wondering

when you got there, Rupert.
Early, late?

On time, I think.
True love was calling.

Oh, God.

I actually feel a bit
sick now. Just these

muffins, I think.
Never trust a blueberry.

Okay, I'll be back in a tick.

You two are such
a lovely couple.

Bit weird.

He's cute.

I like him.

Yeah, me too.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, hello. Do I know you?

(STAMMERING) No, no, no.
I'm a friend of Mary's.

She has another friend? Gosh,
you amaze me. But hooray.

Ooh. Hotdog?

Took me hours.
Made them myself.

Thanks.

Disgusting.
Totally undercooked.

See you later.

Why don't we go upstairs,
it's a bit quieter?

Hi.
Hi.

I'm Tim.

Mary.

That's my mother's name.
Let's not get into that.

Um...

I know this is forward but

your face tells me that you're finding
this party to be a living hell.

So, I just wondered
if you might come

and have a bite to
eat with me instead?

Right now.

I'm sorry?

Obviously, I should have
thought this through more.

Let's talk about Kate Moss.

I love Kate Moss.

I always think the key thing
with her is the history,

you know, the informality of her early
shots compared to high fashion stuff

so you always know that underneath
she's still just the same

cheeky normal girl
naked on the beach.

The beach.

I agree with you completely.

If we leave now then we can have,
you know, more than one starter.

Oh! (LAUGHS)

I love your eyes.

And I love the rest
of your face, too.

More than one starter?

10 amazing starters.

After you.
Thanks.

Ten minutes is long enough
for any party, I think.

(SIGHS) Yeah.

Especially that one.

Evening, all.

God!
What a dickhead.

Yeah.

(SCOFFS) Ugh.

So, what do you do?

I'm a reader at a publisher.

No! You read for a living?

Yes, that's it. I read.

Oh, that's so great.

It's like someone asking,
"What do you do

for a living?"
"Well, I breathe.

"I'm a breather,
I get paid for breathing."

How did you get that job?

Okay, smart-ass,
what do you do?

I am a lawyer.

Sort of. Sort of.

That's sexy.

Is it?

I mean, I think so.

In a suit, in a court, saving
people's lives. Kinda sexy.

I guess it is. Although it's
not as sexy as reading.

Sitting there in an office,
in a little chair reading.

Okay, stop.
Ooh!

Just wait right there,
mister, because

a lot of books get
submitted to my publisher.

So it's an immense
responsibility.

I bet it is.

But when you do normal reading,

is it ruined because it's your job?
You know, like prostitutes?

I always worry that when
they stop being prostitutes

that they can't
enjoy sex any more.

You always worry about that?

No, I sometimes worry about it.

Oh, good. Okay.

Because someone who always worried
about that would be a bit of a worry.

When you read a newspaper, do you
think, "Forget this, it's work"?

Have you interviewed
a lot of prostitutes?

When you read a menu,
do you think,

"No, I'm not reading this,
unless you pay me hard cash."

How many prostitutes will you need to
talk to before this issue is solved?

Are you planning to head to
Eastern Europe and Thailand?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Um...

Would you like to
walk me to my car?

Yes. Why not?
Okay.

Sounds like a good idea.

What about you?

Yeah, I have
three older brothers.

Oh, God.
Yeah.

Where are they?
(LAUGHING)

Behind you.

(CHATTING INDISTINCTLY)

Did you have trouble parking?

(BOTH LAUGH NERVOUSLY)

Pardon?

It's just such
a long way to your car.

Well, my car's
actually parked outside

my house.
I got a lift to the party.

Okay.

That's good.
That's perfect.

Okay.

And here we are.

My God.
Yeah.

Car, house.
House, car.

It makes perfect sense.

It's very logical.

Christ.

(LAUGHS)

Um...

Keys!

I'm gonna go into the bedroom
and put on my new pyjamas.

Right.

And then in a minute you can
come in and take them off.

If you want to.

One minute.

Hi.

Oh! God. Are you...

Are you okay?
Yeah.

Sorry.

That's okay.

Oh, it's a front opener.

It's a what?

It opens from the front.

Yeah, no, yeah, of course.

Thanks.
Sure.

(UNFASTENS BRA)

Ooh! Oh! Well done.

I'm sure it'll be
better next time.

I thought it was pretty lovely.

Right, no,
it was really lovely.

In fact, can you
just give me one minute?

Okay.

Hi.

Dangerous.

Oh! You really
know your bras.

I like to think so.

Well done. Some people make a
real mess of it the first time.

(SCOFFS) Amateurs.

Could you give me one second?

Sure.

(GASPS) I couldn't wait.

Oh!

My goodness.

(BOTH MOANING)

Best night of my entire life.

And now I've got
a suspicion I'm gonna have

the best sleep
of my entire life.

So once is enough
for my perfect guy?

I'm not sure
that's entirely fair.

We're late.
No, we're not.

It'll be fine. It's only...
Oh, my God.

(BUSKERS PLAYING ROMANTIC some)

(SINGING)

Bye.

Don't worry,
you're coming with.

Oh!

I'm taking you home!

Ahh!

Bye. Bye.
Bye.

No!

(INDISTINCT)

(CONTINUES SINGING)

Okay. I have
some bad news.

You're dying?
No, not that bad.

I'm dying?
No.

My parents are in town. They're
visiting and they're coming around.

Oh, God. Parents?
American parents?

Mmm-hmm.

When?
Now.

They told me and
I didn't tell you

and I thought they'd cancel because
they normally do and they didn't.

Now now?
Now now.

So you should probably
put on some pants.

Oh! God. Okay, okay.

Um...

MARY: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

(STAMMERS) Do
they know I exist?

Uh... Yeah. I've mentioned something
like you, but nothing very specific.

Yeah, they're quite conservative,
so maybe not those pants.

(FRONT DOOR BUZZING)

Okay. Yeah.

On! on, God. Okay.

Could you just stall them.
Stall them.

Come on up.

What?

I'm sorry,
they don't like waiting.

Okay. Do I live here?

Definitely not.

Are we having sex?

Yeah. But not oral.

I wasn't gonna mention oral.

Okay, good, don't.

How did you think
that was gonna come up?

Could you help me
with this, please?

I don't know. If it does,
just deny it completely.

Who's gonna bring it up?
Your dad?

"Tim, had any cunnilingus
with my daughter recently?"

Well, you never know.

Okay.

Okay. Ready?
Yeah.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(DOORBELL RINGING)

They're there.
Oh, they are, yeah.

Yeah, right behind you.
Okay. Right, okay.

Dad!
Hello, sweet.

Mom. Hi.
Hi, honey.

Oh, this is Tim.

Hello, sir. Ma'am.

Should we come back when you
haven't got any company, or...

Well, that would be
quite difficult

because Tim
actually lives here.

Really? With you?

Yes. Yeah, but no
oral sex, I promise you.

I beg your pardon?

Excuse me.

So, Tim, tell us where are you
from, which part of the country?

He's from Cornwall.
Yeah, it's really pretty.

It's that little bit right at the
end, sort of looks like a shoe.

And you're a lawyer,
is that right?

Yep, that's right.
And he never loses.

You don't think he's
gonna win, then he just

pulls something
out of the bag and,

what do you know,
he wins again.

Do you ever answer
any of your own questions?

(BOTH CHUCKLING) I, uh...

Yes, he does.
Usually he does,

but not today because I'm doing

all the talking
because I'm really nervous

and I kinda love him and I just...
I want you to, too.

Oh, honey.

Sorry. Tim.
Over to you.

Shoot

Yeah, I think my dad...

Can I just say one more thing?

Um...

Thank God that's over.

I got given two tickets

for the National Theatre
tomorrow. Do you wanna come?

Oh, no, so not. I'm just
gonna sleep all day.

I don't see why going to the theatre
should get in the way of that.

Many of the best sleeps
of my life have happened

in the Royal
Shakespeare Company.

No, you take someone else.

I really like bed and
I really hate theatre.

Quite right.

But what kind of sad act is gonna
be free on a Saturday night

with no day's notice?

(RORY WHOOPING)

Bravo.

Oh, my God. It's Charlotte. Who?

It was my first love.
Where?

There. Under
the "exit" sign.

RORY: The old woman?
TIM: No, not the old woman.

The astonishing blonde.

The one with the dark hair?
No, blonde.

Blonde means
blonde hair, doesn't it?

Off the stage.

Okay, you stay there.
I mean it, stay!

(SINGING)

Charlotte.

Oh, my God. Tim.

How fabulous to see you.

Wow. I...

This is my girlfriend Tina.

No. Oh!

That is so brilliant.
Well, hello, Tina.

Why is it brilliant?

Well, you know.
There are certain

moments in your life
that scar you for life.

Charlotte's rejection of me
was one of those moments,

but now I know she's
got a "girlfriend," well,

that's just a huge burden
suddenly lifted off my mind.

I can be a confident
heterosexual all over again.

Not that kind of girlfriend.

What?

You think I'm gay?

No.

No, of course not.
No. It's girl friend.

Yes. No. Wow.

Yeah, friend who is a girl,
which you so clearly are.

I'm just gonna go and get my
boyfriend, who is a boy...

Oh, my God. Tim.

How lovely to see you.
Look at you. Wow.

This is my girlfriend Tina.

Oh.

Hello, Tina.
Although you should be

a little careful
with that, by the way.

There are still quite a lot of
us old fashioned types about

who interpret "girlfriend"
as meaning "gay."

So if you say that
Tina's your girlfriend,

people will assume
that you're "gay."

I am "gay".

Are you?

Do you have
a problem with that?

No, I don't.
I love that stuff.

I'm just gonna...

Wow.

I've just seen the girl who broke
my heart three summers ago.

Let's go say hello.

No. Best let sleeping dogs lie.
Come on.

Best night of my life.
I always love this area.

It's so bustling and I mean
those pictures, full of colour.

Just makes me so happy when I'm
round here, all the colour...

Tim.

Oh, Charlotte!

Tim, how lovely to see you.

What a surprise.

Wow. Sorry. This is
my girlfriend, Tina.

She's gay.
Shut up.

Hello, Tina.

Look at you!

It just never
even occurred to me

you existed
outside of Cornwall.

We're about to
go and get dinner,

but it would be great
to hang out sometime.

Yeah, sure. I'd love that.

Send my love to little Kit Kat.
How is she?

She's okay. She's not finding
London totally easy actually.

Right. Well, Jimmy says
he sees her sometimes.

Really? Since when?

You knew there was
always something there.

Sorry, you are?

Very well, thank you.

Well, she means your name.

Oh. Roger.
No, it's not.

(STAMMERS)
No, it's not. It's Rory.

Nice to meet you, Rory.
Yeah.

Right. Sorry,
we should get going.

It was really great to see you.

I'll see you soon.
You, too. Yeah.

Bye.

God, she is beautiful.

She's so beautiful, if you had sex
with her, you'd die. You'd just die.

You'd open her shirt, see her breasts
and your eyes would explode.

You'd have to have sex with her blind.
And then you'd die.

You notice she didn't
give me her number...

I told Tina to go have dinner on her own.
Are you hungry?

Yeah. Of course.
Great.

Bye, Roger.

Oh. Yeah, excellent.

Thanks again for the play.
Triumph.

CHARLOTTE: Where
do you wanna go?

Well, wherever you like really.

(BOTH LAUGHING)
I can't compete.

You know,

I'm starting to think we slightly
wasted that summer holiday.

If we could
travel back in time,

maybe I wouldn't have said no.

I'm...

I'm just staying
round the corner.

Can you walk me home?

Yeah.

Yeah?
Yeah, of course, yeah.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Well, here we are.

Mmm. (EXHALES)

It's a lot nicer

inside.

I'm sure it is.

Mmm-hmm.

So...
So...

So...

So,

lovely

to see you, Charlotte.

What a night.
Total joy, but I've gotta

get back

because there's something very important
that I have to do. Right now.

Wake up.
Mmm...

Wake up.
What?

Mary.

Would you like to marry me?

Shh.

Don't be so selfish,
I'm sleeping. It's bad.

Right.

That went very well.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

Wake up.

What?

Wake up. Come
and have a chat.

Why?

I've got something
important to ask you.

(GROANS SOFTLY)

Can't it wait till morning?

Not really.

But I'm so comfy.

I was having
the loveliest dream.

What is it?

Why is there music on?

It's got something to do
with what I want to ask you.

Wait a minute.

Romantic music.

Guy with important question.

Are you on your knees?

On his knees.

Mmm.

Were you so bored in
the play you decided

to ask me to
marry you afterwards?

Huh?

Something like that.

Yeah. Exactly that.

In fact,

will you marry me?

Any thoughts on the answer?

"Yes?" "No?" "Get out of my life,
loser." They're all possible.

I think I'll go for

"yes."

Thank you for asking me.

And thank you for not going for one
of those melodramatic proposals

with lots of people around.

I hate other people.

Me, too.

Yeah.

I'm just gonna
turn off the radio.

Okay. Good idea.

(MUSIC STOPS)

Thanks, guys.
Sorry, she's a bit tired.

But we really appreciate it.
Can you go?

Wow!

That's so beautiful.

I don't think we'll be staying
in the same room, somehow.

Oh, really?

Oh, if they offer you tea,
just say no.

Hello.

Mum, this is Mary.

Mary!
Hi.

Good Lord, you're pretty.

Oh, no, it's just

I've got a lot of
mascara and lipstick on.

Let's have a look.

Oh, yes. Good.

It's very bad for
a girl to be too pretty.

It stops her developing a sense of humour.
Or a personality.

Tea?

I'd love a cup of tea.

Oh, Christ,
that's the whole day gone.

She's a very special guest.
Cup without the crack.

MARY: Oh. Skipping stones.

MUM: They've been doing this
since he was about this high.

And what are your faults?
I mean, little weaknesses.

Oh. Uh...

(LAUGHS) I, uh...

Well, I'm very insecure.

Sweet.

Okay. I've a very
bad temper sometimes.

Crucial.
How else are you gonna

get a fella to
do what you want?

(CHUCKLES)

And, of course, I have...

I have a weakness for your son.

So do I.

But best not to tell him.
Don't want him getting cocky.

(IMITATES HITTING BALL)

Pow!

I'm so good
without the ball. Pow!

What do you think of her?

I like her more
than you already.

Oh, look, I'd forgotten this.
Jimmy Fontana Il Mondo.

Greatest record ever
recorded by an Italian

who looks like he's got
a dead badger on his head.

And you've got the album.

Yes!

Check out those specs!

(LAUGHING)

Come on, on with the game!
Right.

And what an extraordinary
game this is.

For the first time
a father and son

are playing each other
in the World Table

Tennis Final and
neither of them are Chinese.

Tremendous play from the old
World Champion and his son,

the first openly ginger
British table tennis player

but there are signs the
youngster's beginning to crack.

There are tears in his eyes.

There are not!

There soon will be!

(LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY)

KIT KAT: Hey.

Hey!
I didn't know you were here.

Yeah. I just
popped down for a while.

Okay.

What about the job?

Oh.

So how long have you been here?

Couple of weeks.

Gosh! So,
life in London...

Horrid.

Okay.

Is Mary here?

Yes.

Where?
Downstairs.

You be gentle.

Be gentle!

Oh!

DESMOND: Oh, careful!

Yeah, nice to see you, too. I'm
trying to make a good impression...

Yeah, you make a good impression.
(GLASS CLINKING)

Right, sorry.
Sorry.

I've got an important
announcement to make.

DESMOND: Exciting.
Mmm. (CLEARS THROAT)

We've decided, after a little
bit of thought, to get married.

(ALL EXCLAIMING IN DELIGHT)

That's wonderful news.

Who are you getting married to?

To Mary. Over there.

Oh, thank God for that.

Jolly embarrassing if it had
been another girl. Imagine that.

MUM: We're so pleased.

Oh, no, sorry.
Uh... Yeah.

By the way, the wedding
will be quite soon

because we're
having a baby, too.

(ALL EXCLAIMING IN DELIGHT)

You're pregnant?

Yes.

Who's the father?

Well, Tim, I hope.

Thank God for that. Jolly awkward
if it had been another fellow.

We have to decide tonight.

TIM: What?
Everything.

The only thing
you've decided about our

wedding is that I'm
coming down the aisle

to the sound of
some Italian weirdo

singing a song called Il Mondo.

Excellent song.

To which I've said
a definitive "no."

So here's the deal.

I will take off one item of clothing
for every decision you make.

Okay. You have my attention,
young lady.

Right, um,

where would you
like to get married?

Home. I'd hate
anywhere else.

Okay.

Oh, my God.
Good.

Who should the priest be?

It'll have to be
the local bloke

with yellow teeth and
the massive unibrow.

Okay.

That's a lock for Hagrid.

Um...

Best Man?

Damn.

Best Man. Now.

Oh, no, this is so hard.
It's lose-lose, you know.

You piss off all
the ones you don't pick,

and you end up
hating the one you do pick

because he makes a bad
speech and ruins the day.

Do you wanna see
these puppies or not?

Yes, I do.

Jay.
It's your choice.

He's my best friend,
but he's a moron.

Yeah, he will
mess up everything.

Rory.
Sure?

No, Harry.

Harry it is.
Let's do this.

Oh, Rory. Sorry.

What? That's such a cheat.

(GROANS)

Okay, fine.

Honeymoon?

Bed and breakfast in Scotland.

I am not taking
my pants off for Scotland.

But it's all we can afford.
Take off your pants.

I will not.

Take off your pants!

(SQUEALS) I want
two weeks in Bali!

Take off those pants!

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Have you planned a break?
No.

(ITALIAN SONG PLAYING)

Oh, no!

(CHUCKLES)

Is that you?

It wasn't me.

It's for you.

(ITALIAN SONG
CONTINUES PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE SINGING ALONG)

(BOTH GASPING)

No, I'm caught!
I've got it. I've got it!

Help me!

ALL: Oh!

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Yes!

Right, follow me!
(YELLS)

(WOMEN SCREAMING)

My gosh!

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Oh, God!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

It's a joke!

(WOMEN CONTINUE SCREAMING)

Here.

Yes, come on.

This way.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(RIPPING)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Oh, my God!

(LAUGHING)

(ALL APPLAUDING)

RORY: Hello,

I'm Rory.

(STAMMERING) When Tim asked me to
be his Best Man, I was terrified.

So I thought best
thing is to find

a book about speeches.
And here it is.

And it says think of
really funny anecdotes.

And there is a very hilarious
story, actually from work.

It was quite a complicated
case based on an issue of

cross-amortisation
of ownership of

post-divorce
properties and, um...

Let me just explain the context.
The Defendant...

When Tim asked me
to do his Best Man speech,

my immediate reaction was,

"How much are you gonna
pay me, you little shit?"

"I don't write
for free, you know."

These were the girls available
to him at that time.

"Hello, girls." And this is how
far he got with each of them.

Let me explain the code.
5, blowjob.

(ASTONISHED LAUGHING)

8, full penetrative...

...and so a toast

to the man with
the worst haircut

but the best bride in the room.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Tim and Mary.

ALL: Tim and Mary.

That's us.

I wish I'd said
"I love you."

You did, Dad.

It was implied.

I'm not sure "implied" is good
enough for a wedding day, are you?

No, don't do it, it's fine.

I'm so happy with it as it was.
You really don't have to.

I'll do what
I wanna do, young man.

Will you excuse me
for just one moment?

...later on
I may tell you about

Tim's many failings as a man
and as a table tennis player.

But,

important first to say the one

big thing, I've only loved

three men in my life.

My dad was
a frosty bugger so that

only leaves dear Uncle Desmond,

B.B. King, obviously,
and this young man here.

I'd only give one piece of
advice to anyone marrying.

We're all quite
similar in the end.

We all get old and tell the
same tales too many times.

But try and marry someone

kind.

And this is a kind man

with a good heart.

I'm not particularly proud

of many things in my life,
but I am very proud

to be the father of my son.

I'm so sorry to disturb you, but I
wonder if I could have your autograph.

No. No.

I'm at a wedding,
for God's sake.

I'm here to
celebrate true love not

scribble my illegible
signature on stupid

bits of paper that
you can flog on eBay

so that at the next wedding you
can wear a less hideous hat.

I see you've met my Aunt May.

Oh, God. People should
wear name tags.

You next, Kittle Kattie.

I don't know, Uncle D.

Boys aren't very nice.

Aren't they, darling?

Not in my experience.

They're always
taking liberties,

not giving much back in return.

It's yummy.
Yeah?

I like the way
you say 'yummy.'

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

Do you wish we'd picked
another less wet day?

No.

Not for the world.

Phew.

(LAUGHS)

And so it begins.

Lots and lots of types of days.

Fun!

(BABY GURGLING)

Posy.

Posy she is.

The most beautiful
girl in the world.

(CRYING)

You want your daddy.
Yes, I know.

Yeah.

TIM: No one can ever
prepare you for

what happens when
you have a child.

When you see
the baby in your arms

and you know that
it's your job now.

No one can prepare you for
the love and the fear.

Oh, she's lovely.

You were such an ugly baby.

More chimpanzee than child.

I remember
the first time I saw you,

I thanked God we were in driving
distance of London Zoo.

Come on, hand over
the little bugger,

let's see if she bounces.

Are we sure...
KIT KAT: Yeah, she definitely will bounce.

Oh, look.

She can do anything.

Look.
Hello.

Sweetheart.

No one can prepare you
for the love

people you love
can feel for them.

(INDISTINCT)

And nothing can prepare you for

the indifference of friends
who don't have babies.

Do you wanna
go to Uncle Jay, huh?

No, thanks, it's fine.
It's great.

And it's a shock how
quickly you have to move

to a new place you
completely can't afford.

Look what we found.

Look who it is!

Honey!

Sorry.

Suddenly, time travel seems
almost unnecessary,

because every detail of
life is so delightful.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(Booms)

What's his name?

Horace, I think.

Of course it is.

Only one important thing
for a godfather, I'm told,

never bring a present
smaller than the child.

Oh, shut up, you smug bastard.

Don't worry, I didn't
bring anything at all.

She'll never know.
Hasn't got a brain yet.

I didn't expect to
see you here, Harry.

Children's party's
not exactly your style.

No, Mary, I was tricked. I was
told there would be free booze.

MARY: Oh!

I hate kids, as you know.

Where's Kit Kat, by the way?

I don't know, she said
she'd be here around 3:00.

And you know we got purple
cupcakes for her especially.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Here she is!

Speak of the devil,
that will be her.

We'll wait till
Aunty Kit Kat gets here.

Hey.
Jimmy.

Where's my sister?

Thought she was here.

No, she hasn't arrived.

That's not good.

What does that mean?

Um...

We had
an argument this morning.

Over nothing, but
she'd been drinking, so...

And then she ran out to get
the car to come here and

I told her to
meet me here so...

TIM: There's a song by Baz
Luhrmann called Sunscreen.

He says worrying
about the future

is as effective
as trying to solve

an algebra equation
by chewing bubble gum.

The real troubles in your life

will always be things that never
crossed your worried mind.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

What happened?

We had a fight.

And,

maybe I wasn't
completely sober.

How is she?
Not good.

When did she leave you?
From where?

I want it exact.
Exact time. Exact address.

Here we are.
Sorry, sorry.

Come on.

Ah, God.

MARY: Hi.
There she is.

Does a small baby live here?

Yes, and she's so excited.
She's downstairs.

Happy birthday, Posy,

I'm sorry.
I had to pick up Kit Kat.

I thought she was
gonna drive herself.

Turns out she couldn't.

She okay?
Later.

TIM: I'm worried
about Kit Kat.

Yeah. I know.

She was drinking wine
while we were drinking tea.

And Jimmy wasn't nice to her.

And she spurned
the purple cupcakes.

We have to do
something to fix it.

Yeah.

But, you know,

if it's gonna be fixed, I think she
probably has to do it herself.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

My darling.
What's happened?

You're the best
person in the world.

You're top equal with
my wife. I don't get it.

Maybe, just maybe,

I'm the faller.

Every family has,
like, someone who falls,

who doesn't make the grade,
who stumbles,

who life trips up.

Maybe I'm our faller.

No.

No.

Okay. I'm gonna
tell you a secret.

And you have to
promise to keep it.

We've always kept secrets.

We have?

You promise you
won't ever, ever, ever,

ever, ever, ever, ever,

ever, ever, ever, ever tell?

Yes.

I can travel in time.

Why are we standing in the
cupboard under the stairs?

Because we're
gonna go back in time

and you're gonna do
some things differently.

I love it when you're funny.

Grab my hand.
Close your eyes.

(FAINT POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my arsing God in a box.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

You're kidding?

I can go anywhere
in time and you bring

me back to the worst
party of all time.

'Fraid so. Let's go.

We've got work to do.

What work?

Making sure you do
not meet Jimmy Kincade.

Quick, in here.

But he's about to
fall in love with me!

Not this time he isn't.

Who's the pretty looking girl?
It's Jennifer, isn't it?

Yeah.

Wild!

I like your skirt, Jennifer.

JENNIFER: Thank you.

Right, I get it.

If he hadn't met me, he would have
just had sex with someone else.

Nip it in the bud, eh?

Excuse me, Jimmy.

Sorry.
Do I know you?

Yeah, you do.

Very well. Sorry.

And this is what I should
have done right at the start.

(GRUNTING)
(PEOPLE GASPING)

Happy New Year, everybody.
Happy New Year.

And back to the cupboard.

Amazing!

What happens now?

God knows.

What I'm hoping is
that from this moment on

you avoid the sleazy bad guys
because they're sleazy and bad.

When did you get so serious?

Since it occurred to me
that I might lose you.

Brace yourself,
this could be weird.

Things will have changed.

Oh, my God.

What?

Jay.

Jay Jay?
Yes.

And he's adorable.
Oh, my God.

Right,

let's do this.

Come on, you two.

Mum's just cracked open
a packet of biscuits.

MUM: I've got
something in mind for you.

JAY: I know
what you're gonna say.

Have a biscuit and
come and help me.

But leave the rest for Uncle D.

It's just tidying really.

You all right? I missed you.
Yeah.

Your mum wants me
to do some gardening.

Okay.

MUM: It's tidying up, it's
all a bit out of control.

Anything that looks dead, out.

This is what we're looking for.
Okay? All this.

Dead stuff.
See this.

JAY: They've torn them
to shreds, haven't they?

How did everything go?

Immensely satisfactory.

I'm so happy. Oh! I wanna
hear all about it.

Will you do dinner
for us because there's

something I have to do before
6:00 or I'll get fired?

Yeah. I can't think of
anything I'd love to do more.

Okay, where is the most
fabulous person in the world?

Come to your dad and get mashed
up food shoved into your mouth!

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Hello there, little boy.

You just

wait there and I'll
be back in a minute.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Dad, can I have a quick word?

Yeah. Sure.

I can't go back past
the birth again, can I?

No. I should have
mentioned that.

You're okay till it
comes out but the exact

sperm at the exact
moment got you this

particular baby,

so if you do anything
the tiniest bit

different, you'll
have a different child.

So, every day up 'til yesterday
is as it will always be? Lost?

Just like for everyone else.

Okay. Interesting.

Tough. I love you, Dad.
I've gotta go.

Go home.
TIM: No.

We're not leaving
this room until we find

a way of making sure
this never happens again.

Will you go now?

I have to leave Jimmy, don't I?

For good.

And

I have to stop drinking.

And stop leaving jobs.

And I have to
go out with someone

nice and boring.

Yay.

And, you know, nice
isn't necessarily boring.

Like who?

Matt Damon?

Okay.

I'll go out with Matt Damon.

Tell me,
have you seen Jay recently?

Your Jay? What, sticky-up hair Jay?
Looks a bit like a muppet Jay?

Yes.

He just popped into my head.
He's always had a crush on you.

Really?
Yeah.

Weird!

Thinking of asking him to dinner.
Are you free?

Might be. Might have to
freshen up a bit first.

Yeah. You look shit.

(KIT KAT LAUGHING)

MARY: Joanna.

Oh, thank Christ you're back.

It's been a total nightmare.

I know. It's
all fine anyway.

Where is she?

JOANNA: It was the single
worst night of my life.

Where's Posy?

There she is! Hello!

Hello! Hello.

Darling, how are you doing?

Let's have another one.

Oh, screw that. No.

That hurt and I got fat.
Like fat-fat.

(LAUGHING) Got a little
bit fat, didn't she.

Tell Mummy you want a sister.

No. Tell Daddy you're happy
being an only child.

TIM: Fortunately we are
young and careless and

it wasn't long before
there were four of us.

And this is incredible. Posy
Lake, only 3 years old,

is about to break the women's
10 metre Olympic record.

They're gonna do it. And here they
are, they've done it! Fantastic.

That was brilliant.
You're so good.

Sleeping right
through all that.

Can you help me?
I'm so nervous.

What do I wear for dinner
with our bestselling author?

Let me finish up with the
monsters and I'll come right up.

Great. Thank you.

Go again.

Okay. How about this?

That's gorgeous.
Job done. Yeah.

No. Take it
seriously. It's...

I don't know.
No, I hate it.

Yeah.
It's boring and

makes me look kind of lumpy.

No, you're right. It is boring and lumpy.
I hate it.

Okay. What about this?

Gorgeous. We did it.

(GASPS) No, it's too breasty.

Is it?
Okay.

It's not too breasty.

No. I'm not wearing these heels.
I look like a prostitute.

Not high heels, then.

But then we have
the short legs problem.

Well, do you want to look
like a prostitute or a dwarf?

Warning. That's a warning.

Yes!

No.

No!

Now that I like.

No, I'm just
picking up the dress

that this goes under.
Such a bad boy.

This one?

Not bad.

Or this one?

It's a trick question,
isn't it? Same dress.

No!

No?

Okay. I don't think
this one's too bad.

Yeah, it's fabulous.

Really?
Yeah.

Okay. Great. Good.

Um...

How about the blue one?

The blue one?
Yeah.

The first one that you tried
on that was boring and lumpy,

but that wasn't actually
boring and lumpy, that one?

Yeah, which do you prefer?

I don't know. I'm actually
starting to go mad.

I think I like the blue one.

Okay.
Yeah.

Okay. Okay, let's go
with this one, then?

You look amazing.

Really?
Yes.

Okay, thanks.

Oh, God.

Where's Posy?

I left her downstairs.

Not leaving the door open to the
room with the manuscript in it?

I don't think so.

Look at me. Look me in the eye.
TIM: Mmm-hmm.

And talk me through this.
Basically my life is over.

I really need to go out for just
like two minutes, maybe one.

Don't you dare!
(PHONE RINGING)

Don't you dare answer that!
What am I gonna do?

I think that we should
really answer the phone.

If you answer
the goddamn phone,

I will kill you with the phone.

I won't answer the phone,
but I do need to get out.

No, no getting out,
no getting out. No.

Okay, right.

Oh! Sorry, Mr McEwan.

We read most of your book but,
you see, the rest of it was

coloured on or shredded.

Yeah.

I had no idea Posy
actually knew how to use

that machine.
In a way that's impressive.

(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)

What is it?
How can I help you?

Oh, Mary. Uh...

No, everything... Sorry.

Your son will explain.

It's your mother.

Hi, Mum.

No, no, it's okay.
We'll...

We'll come straight down.

Okay, bye.

Hello, darling.

Mum. How are you?

Honestly?

Why not?

I am fucking furious.

I am so uninterested in
a life without your father.

Mary. Come on,
let's make some tea.

How are you?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Did you eat?

MUM: Yes, of course.

Desmond.

How are you?

I'm very well, thanks.

Though a little hot.

Hmm.

Your father,
I think, is not so well.

Cancer.

Yes.

I'm very unhappy about it, Tim.

At your wedding
he said he loved me.

He does.
I know.

That was
the best day of my life.

So this is probably the worst.

Dad.

Oh, for God's sake.

Not you, too.

What?

Well, Kit Kat's just rolled up blubbing
her eyes out and now you're here.

What's Mum been saying?

The truth.

Yeah, well,

apart from that?

It may have been the
smoking but I couldn't

undo that as it was
before you were all born.

And anyway, your mother definitely
wouldn't have gone out with me

if I hadn't been
such a sexy smoker.

(CHUCKLES)

I did get diagnosed as soon as
possible, but it was too late.

How long have we got?

You know,

it, it could be

years.

How long really?

(SIGHS)

Weeks, I'm afraid.

Have we had this
conversation before?

Yeah.

What happened?

I rather let myself down.

I hugged you.

(SIGHS)

Sorry.

I think I just thought
with the time thing...

No, I never said
we could fix things.

I specifically never said that.

Life's a mixed bag,
no matter who you are.

Look at Jesus.
He was the Son of God,

for God's sake, and look
how that turned out.

I know, but

you must see
I feel a bit cheated.

Don't. In fact,
feel the opposite.

The only people who
give up work at 50

are the time travellers
with cancer who want

to play more table tennis
with their sons.

Right.

So that's been the deal?

I'm sorry we had to call.
It's suddenly got very bad.

And I have something very important
to tell you. Or, let me check,

do you want to
know the big secret,

or would you rather find it
out for yourself like I did?

Oh, Christ,
there's another secret?

Less dramatic.
Much more important.

The real mothership.

No, go on. Tell me.

Let's save some time.

TIM: And so he told me his
secret formula for happiness.

Part one of the two part plan

was that I should just get on
with ordinary life,

living it day by day,
like anyone else.

This is our current statement with a
revised paragraph there, highlighted.

Rupert. Rupert, is that
the best you can do?

No. Absolutely not.
We can change that.

BHATTIE QC: Item number two.

Good afternoon, sir. Are you
eating in or taking away today?

Take away, please.

Yeah? No problem.

Lovely, that's 4.24 then, please, sir.
Thank you kindly.

Lovely. And there's your change, sir.
76 pence change.

Thanks.
Thank you. Hello there.

Are you eating in
or taking away?

Do you find the Defendant, John
Welbeck, guilty or not guilty of fraud?

Not guilty.

CLERK: And that is
the verdict of you all?

JURY FOREMAN: Yes.

Thank you.
You may be seated.

Thank God.

JUDGE: Let the Defendant
be discharged.

CLERK: Be upstanding in court.

(ROCK MUSIC BLARING
ON HEADPHONES)

Lights out?
Yeah.

Tough day.

TIM: But then came
part two of Dad's plan.

He told me to live every day
again almost exactly the same.

The first time with all the
tensions and worries that

stop us noticing how
sweet the world can be,

but the second time noticing.

Okay, Dad.

Let's give it a go.

What's our statement
at the moment?

This is it with the revised...

(INAUDIBLE)

Robert, this does not pass.
Is this the best you can do?

I'll leave you two
to thrash this out.

Ooh.

(LAUGHING)

Good afternoon, sir.
Good afternoon.

Are you eating in
or taking away today?

Take away, please.

Would you like a bag?

That's fine.

Lovely.
That's 6.23 then, please.

And enjoy the rest of your day.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

Hello, there.

Look around you!
What?

Isn't this room beautiful?

Yeah.

Come on.

Not guilty.

Fantastic!

So not such
a bad day after all?

No. It was
pretty good really.

Very good day, actually,
as it turns out.

Well, that's a relief,

because if it had
been a very bad day,

I thought I might have had to have
had sex with you to make up for it.

Goodnight.

Mmm.

It was a very, very bad day.

It went very, very badly.

I got fired from my job.

And then I killed a man.

That is a very bad day.

It's terrible.
Yeah.

Like the worst day ever.

So sorry.

TIM: Some days, of course, though,
you only want to go through once.

You okay?

Right, are we ready for this?

'Course we're not.
Hateful day.

TIM: Just give me
one minute.

DAD: This is so brilliant.

Dickens is so good on
actual jokes, actual gags.

Where have you come from?

It's the...

Oh. Okay.

Big day.

Thanks for dropping in.
How's Uncle Desmond's suit?

Oh, immaculate.

(CHUCKLING) Excellent.

Did I mention I wanted
the Nick Cave track?

It's taken care of.

Thank you.

Can I just read
you this one bit?

Read away,
I've got lots of time.

"I think the Romans
must have aggravated

one another very
much with their noses."

"Perhaps they became the restless
people they were in consequence."

"Anyhow, Mr Wopsle's Roman
nose so aggravated me..."

(CONTINUES READING)

(SOBBING)

(ENGINE STARTING)

What do you
think about the kids?

What about them?

Not many of them, are there?

What?

Well, I mean two?

It's more than
the Chinese are allowed.

(LAUGHING)

I just thought
that maybe, you know,

it was time for
the insurance baby.

What?

In case one of them
is really smart,

we don't want the other one to
feel stupid their whole life.

And if we had a third one, then
we could have two happy dummies.

What do you think?

Huh?

TIM: It was the toughest
decision of my life.

Saying 'yes' to
the future meant

saying 'goodbye'
to my dad. Forever.

Why don't we wait a bit?

Absolutely.

You're right. Yeah.

How about now?
(LAUGHING)

Or now?

Now?

Yeah,

okay.

Really?

Dad always wished
there had been more of us.

So...

Anyway, we might try
and nothing happens.

Exactly.

(GROANS)

Really could be tonight.

Mmm. And you cannot believe
the detail in which

I know the route
to the hospital.

Oh, yay.

Will you excuse me for a sec?

Just have to go downstairs.

Mmm.

DAD: ...and it's 17-20 in
this incredibly tight contest

being played by
the two most physically

perfect players in
the history of the game.

The crowd, enchanted by the
younger player, are seduced

by memories of the older
player's illustrious past.

Ahh!

Oh, my God, I've won.

I haven't won in years.

You finally got good.

What's my prize? Apart from the
Olympic gold medal, of course.

A kiss will have to do.

A kiss?

A kiss?

Oh.

Ah, I get you.

This is it, then?

This is it.

It's my last bit of extra time.

The baby is
completely on the way.

Oh!

Congratulations.

My son.

My dad.

Is there anything
at all I can do?

Is there anything
you want to do?

I don't know.
There is this

one thing.

A quick little walk.

Totally against the rules,
of course,

but if we don't change a thing,

if we're very careful,
it shouldn't do any harm.

It would be nice.

DAD: I'm really trying.
I'm really trying.

(YOUNG TIM LAUGHING)

TIM: Get down low.

DAD: Total defeat.

I'm tired.

Thanks, Dad.

TIM: So I'm almost
up-to-date with my story.

As all families do, we got
used to life after death.

And it was still fine.

And things settled back into their
traditional rhythms season after season,

and are much as
they have always been.

And we've got used to
Kit Kat being happy again.

And then we got used
to her being a mum.

Albeit not a very
good or even safe one.

And in the end,

I think I've learned the final
lesson from my travels in time.

And I've even gone one step
further than my father did.

(MOBILE RINGING)
(GROANS)

Okay, I'll do the kids.

(GROANS)

No, don't worry.
I'll do them.

Yeah, you do them,
you lazy bum.

(LAUGHS)

TIM: The truth is, I now don't travel
back at all. Not even for the day.

I just try to
live every day as if

I've deliberately
come back to this one day

to enjoy it as if it
was the full final day

of my extraordinary,
ordinary life.

(SINGING)

Hello, you're down already. That's great.
Thank you so much for that.

And in we go.

Posy? Posy!

That's fine.

(IMITATES AEROPLANE)

(CHILDREN CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY)

We're all travelling
through time together

every day of our lives.

All we can do is do our best

to relish this remarkable ride.

(LAUGHING)

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Yes, yes, yes...

Okay, I'll see you then.

Bye-bye.

See you later.