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1
00:00:00,710 --> 00:00:04,357
Number five is number one.
Number seven is number two.
2
00:00:04,392 --> 00:00:06,911
Number three and number four
are tied for number three.
3
00:00:06,937 --> 00:00:08,060
What are you talking about?
4
00:00:08,085 --> 00:00:10,564
I'm ranking my favorite
"Fast and the Furious" movies.
5
00:00:10,598 --> 00:00:12,699
You said you wanted to know
who I am, and this is
6
00:00:12,734 --> 00:00:13,867
the best way to get to know me.
7
00:00:13,901 --> 00:00:15,803
No, it isn't.
8
00:00:15,836 --> 00:00:17,905
You could tell me your
real name, for starters.
9
00:00:17,939 --> 00:00:20,306
My name is Jason Mendoza.
10
00:00:20,341 --> 00:00:21,442
I'm from Florida.
11
00:00:21,475 --> 00:00:23,443
And I'm a professional amateur DJ.
12
00:00:23,478 --> 00:00:25,478
And is, uh, that a family member?
13
00:00:25,513 --> 00:00:28,248
I wish. That's Ariana Grande,
14
00:00:28,283 --> 00:00:30,751
the sexiest woman alive.
15
00:00:30,785 --> 00:00:32,886
You wish that you were related
16
00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:35,456
to a woman you want to have sex with.
17
00:00:35,490 --> 00:00:38,325
You know what? It'd be one thing
if you just weren't a Buddhist monk,
18
00:00:38,359 --> 00:00:42,262
but you're barely even
a regular, functioning person.
19
00:00:42,296 --> 00:00:43,630
How did you get here?
20
00:00:43,664 --> 00:00:46,165
I don't know, but, please, dawg,
you can't tell Michael about me.
21
00:00:46,201 --> 00:00:49,268
You have some nerve asking me for favors
22
00:00:49,304 --> 00:00:51,905
when you have spent weeks
deceiving me, making a fool
23
00:00:51,939 --> 00:00:55,085
out of me, and bringing
snack food into my house.
24
00:00:55,110 --> 00:00:56,511
Disgusting.
25
00:00:58,947 --> 00:01:02,593
Oh, Ariana, we're really in it now.
26
00:01:04,871 --> 00:01:09,737
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
27
00:01:09,763 --> 00:01:11,358
_
28
00:01:11,391 --> 00:01:13,659
Shawn, the judge,
could show up at any moment,
29
00:01:13,694 --> 00:01:16,430
so we need to have
a rock-solid argument for why
30
00:01:16,463 --> 00:01:19,031
Fake Eleanor should not
be sent to the Bad Place.
31
00:01:19,067 --> 00:01:21,268
- Should be fun.
- That's the spirit!
32
00:01:21,301 --> 00:01:22,536
Don't even think about the fact that
33
00:01:22,569 --> 00:01:25,638
our slightest misstep
could cause Fake Eleanor
34
00:01:25,673 --> 00:01:26,840
to suffer for eternity.
35
00:01:26,875 --> 00:01:28,007
That's all I'm thinking about now.
36
00:01:28,042 --> 00:01:31,378
Yep, shouldn't have said that.
Regretted it immediately.
37
00:01:31,412 --> 00:01:33,646
Bambadjan was a human rights advocate,
38
00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:37,384
so he and Real Eleanor will
build a sort of legal argument.
39
00:01:37,418 --> 00:01:39,986
Um, ahem, could you please
just say "Eleanor,"
40
00:01:40,021 --> 00:01:43,456
and maybe point to whichever
one of us you're addressing?
41
00:01:43,490 --> 00:01:46,894
Well, actually, the fake/real
distinction helps me.
42
00:01:46,927 --> 00:01:48,027
Oh, does it, Bambadjan?
43
00:01:49,664 --> 00:01:52,031
Now, I know a fair amount
about your time on Earth.
44
00:01:52,066 --> 00:01:54,301
Why don't you tell me
about your time here?
45
00:01:54,335 --> 00:01:55,335
Anything that might help your case.
46
00:01:55,370 --> 00:01:58,639
Well, in the first 24 hours,
I caused the world
47
00:01:58,673 --> 00:02:00,974
to erupt into chaos, and then I caused
48
00:02:01,009 --> 00:02:02,975
a garbage storm.
It was kind of a rough start,
49
00:02:03,010 --> 00:02:06,013
but things calmed down
after Chidi started helping me
50
00:02:06,046 --> 00:02:07,381
learn about ethics.
51
00:02:07,415 --> 00:02:08,882
Okay, tell me about that.
52
00:02:08,917 --> 00:02:11,018
Well, I studied with Chidi every day,
53
00:02:11,051 --> 00:02:12,485
and then Chidi got sick of me,
54
00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:14,822
so I did some nice stuff
to make him feel better.
55
00:02:14,855 --> 00:02:17,658
And later, I confessed
because Chidi was being
56
00:02:17,692 --> 00:02:21,594
tortured by guilt, and I just felt awful
57
00:02:21,628 --> 00:02:24,997
seeing his little, nerdy face
all contorted.
58
00:02:25,033 --> 00:02:26,432
[as Chidi] Oh, Eleanor, I have
59
00:02:26,466 --> 00:02:29,068
a stomachache because of what you did.
60
00:02:29,103 --> 00:02:30,350
[laughs]
61
00:02:30,376 --> 00:02:32,156
He is such a dork.
62
00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:37,745
You know, a lot of death row
inmates feel regret about things
63
00:02:37,778 --> 00:02:42,949
they never said... admissions
of guilt or anger... or love.
64
00:02:45,385 --> 00:02:47,020
Are you making a move on me?
65
00:02:47,055 --> 00:02:48,921
It's fine... I just didn't
see it coming.
66
00:02:48,956 --> 00:02:51,759
Uh, well, hooking up with someone
67
00:02:51,793 --> 00:02:55,929
with the exact same name, it is kind
of a fun, narcissistic fantasy...
68
00:02:55,963 --> 00:02:58,180
- No, no, Eleanor, I... I'm talking...
- I could be into it.
69
00:02:58,204 --> 00:02:59,966
Mm, no, I'm talking about
70
00:02:59,968 --> 00:03:02,936
you and Chidi. Now, ordinarily,
71
00:03:02,971 --> 00:03:04,972
you having feelings
for my soul mate would be
72
00:03:05,006 --> 00:03:06,973
- a conflict of interest...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
73
00:03:07,008 --> 00:03:08,641
You think I'm into Chidi?
74
00:03:08,675 --> 00:03:11,478
Yes, Eleanor, I do.
75
00:03:11,513 --> 00:03:12,679
Because you are.
76
00:03:12,713 --> 00:03:16,449
You mentioned his name nine times
in the last ten minutes.
77
00:03:16,484 --> 00:03:18,085
Nobody asked you, Bambadjan.
78
00:03:19,753 --> 00:03:21,822
I'm not sure what will work with Shawn,
79
00:03:21,855 --> 00:03:23,790
but we should have
all our bases covered.
80
00:03:23,824 --> 00:03:25,793
Shall we start with the Greeks
81
00:03:25,826 --> 00:03:29,028
or would you prefer
the modern British masters?
82
00:03:31,016 --> 00:03:32,132
Chidi?
83
00:03:32,167 --> 00:03:34,901
I'm sorry, choices are hard for me
when I'm under pressure.
84
00:03:34,936 --> 00:03:36,804
I know that, buddy,
but we're short of time here,
85
00:03:36,837 --> 00:03:38,906
and it's kind of important for Eleanor.
86
00:03:38,939 --> 00:03:41,375
Right, which is why
I can't take this lightly.
87
00:03:41,408 --> 00:03:42,575
What if I screw up?
88
00:03:42,610 --> 00:03:45,746
Listen, I don't need the Chidi
who once had a panic attack
89
00:03:45,780 --> 00:03:48,915
during Rock-Paper-Scissors
because there were, and I quote,
90
00:03:48,949 --> 00:03:50,716
"just too many variables."
91
00:03:50,752 --> 00:03:53,820
I need the Chidi who
stormed in here and told me
92
00:03:53,854 --> 00:03:58,658
to stop Eleanor's train without
thinking of consequences.
93
00:03:58,692 --> 00:04:00,828
Oh, boy, now I'm nervous
about that decision.
94
00:04:00,861 --> 00:04:03,497
Retroactively?
I mean, h... how do you even...?
95
00:04:03,522 --> 00:04:04,483
I don't know.
96
00:04:04,508 --> 00:04:07,033
Okay, we have so many
big choices to make.
97
00:04:07,068 --> 00:04:08,367
Let's... let's start small.
98
00:04:08,402 --> 00:04:10,903
Do you want to use a dry erase board
99
00:04:10,938 --> 00:04:14,707
or the regular pen and paper?
100
00:04:14,741 --> 00:04:16,543
Just pick.
101
00:04:16,577 --> 00:04:18,011
Chidi, just pick!
102
00:04:18,045 --> 00:04:20,680
Come on, Chidi, pick someone.
103
00:04:20,714 --> 00:04:23,829
Don't pressure me, Uzo.
I have to consider all the factors.
104
00:04:23,915 --> 00:04:25,244
Athletic strategies,
105
00:04:25,322 --> 00:04:26,920
the fragile egos of my classmates,
106
00:04:26,954 --> 00:04:28,454
and gender politics.
107
00:04:28,488 --> 00:04:30,023
Should I pick a girl
as a gesture towards
108
00:04:30,057 --> 00:04:33,026
women's equality,
or... or is that pandering?
109
00:04:33,060 --> 00:04:36,425
Or do I think it's pandering because of
my limited male point of view?
110
00:04:36,519 --> 00:04:38,639
I'm vexed, Uzo, vexed.
111
00:04:38,665 --> 00:04:41,634
You're always vexed. Just pick.
112
00:04:41,668 --> 00:04:45,639
Okay, fine, uh, I choose Tokunbo.
113
00:04:45,673 --> 00:04:48,942
You can't draft the teacher. Pick a kid.
114
00:04:48,976 --> 00:04:52,646
all: Come on, Chidi. Just pick someone.
115
00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:54,882
[bell rings]
116
00:04:54,915 --> 00:04:56,149
Congratulations, Chidi.
117
00:04:56,183 --> 00:04:59,485
You filibustered recess.
118
00:04:59,519 --> 00:05:01,053
[sighs]
119
00:05:01,088 --> 00:05:02,923
No, no, no, you're wrong.
120
00:05:02,956 --> 00:05:06,194
There are way more things I hate
about Chidi than like about him.
121
00:05:06,220 --> 00:05:07,394
Like what?
122
00:05:07,427 --> 00:05:09,096
His stupid Clark Kent glasses,
123
00:05:09,129 --> 00:05:11,430
his extensive turtleneck collection,
124
00:05:11,466 --> 00:05:13,766
oh, and he loves ethics so much.
125
00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:16,903
He once talked about John Rawls
for two hours... I timed it.
126
00:05:16,937 --> 00:05:18,939
And he only stopped
because he saw me timing him.
127
00:05:18,973 --> 00:05:21,108
Granted, he laughed,
and kind of made fun of himself,
128
00:05:21,141 --> 00:05:22,843
it was a nice moment, but still.
129
00:05:22,877 --> 00:05:24,577
He always twitches his eyebrows
130
00:05:24,612 --> 00:05:27,079
when he says "absolutism,"
and he tilts his head
131
00:05:27,115 --> 00:05:28,749
whenever I say anything ignorant,
132
00:05:28,783 --> 00:05:31,951
but he never makes fun of me,
which is nice.
133
00:05:31,985 --> 00:05:33,987
He's also incredibly patient, and kind,
134
00:05:34,021 --> 00:05:36,856
and surprisingly jacked, and, oh, fork,
135
00:05:36,891 --> 00:05:38,091
I'm in love with Chidi.
136
00:05:38,125 --> 00:05:40,093
♪
137
00:05:40,127 --> 00:05:42,596
Let's take a little break.
138
00:05:42,629 --> 00:05:43,797
I know this is awkward,
139
00:05:43,831 --> 00:05:45,499
but as your advocate,
140
00:05:45,533 --> 00:05:48,034
and, I hope, friend,
141
00:05:48,069 --> 00:05:50,836
I think you should tell Chidi
how you feel.
142
00:05:50,872 --> 00:05:52,838
♪
143
00:05:52,874 --> 00:05:54,173
Would a hug make you feel better?
144
00:05:54,207 --> 00:05:57,944
- No, I don't think that it would...
- Oh, too late, you're getting one.
145
00:05:57,978 --> 00:05:59,947
Thanks, Bambadjan,
that does make me feel better.
146
00:05:59,980 --> 00:06:00,947
Mm-hmm.
147
00:06:00,982 --> 00:06:03,516
♪
148
00:06:03,550 --> 00:06:05,117
Yet another lie.
149
00:06:05,153 --> 00:06:06,119
You didn't paint this.
150
00:06:06,153 --> 00:06:07,788
You got Janet to do it.
151
00:06:07,822 --> 00:06:08,922
No, no, no, Chidi did it.
152
00:06:08,956 --> 00:06:10,990
I got you an awesome painting,
but then he switched it
153
00:06:11,024 --> 00:06:12,992
to this one because he said
you'd like it more,
154
00:06:13,026 --> 00:06:14,661
and he made me memorize
stuff to say to you
155
00:06:14,696 --> 00:06:16,129
so you wouldn't be so sad.
156
00:06:16,163 --> 00:06:17,898
This is all his fault.
157
00:06:17,932 --> 00:06:18,798
You should yell at him.
158
00:06:18,832 --> 00:06:22,069
[scoffs] Chidi helped you make me happy.
159
00:06:22,103 --> 00:06:24,637
It's almost as if he was trying to...
160
00:06:24,672 --> 00:06:28,040
Oh, oh, my.
161
00:06:29,744 --> 00:06:32,144
Of course.
162
00:06:32,180 --> 00:06:34,247
This is the cool painting I made.
163
00:06:34,281 --> 00:06:35,749
This guy's famous.
164
00:06:35,783 --> 00:06:37,678
I mean, who even are those ladies?
165
00:06:37,918 --> 00:06:39,586
♪
166
00:06:39,620 --> 00:06:41,654
Yeah, it would be easier
to sort out the issue
167
00:06:41,689 --> 00:06:43,923
of dry erase versus paper
if I could write down
168
00:06:43,957 --> 00:06:46,192
the pros and cons for each,
but, of course,
169
00:06:46,226 --> 00:06:49,161
I would have to use one of them
to write down the pros and cons
170
00:06:49,197 --> 00:06:51,999
for them, which is problematic.
171
00:06:52,033 --> 00:06:52,899
Wow.
172
00:06:52,933 --> 00:06:55,235
[claps] Ethics team, how's it going?
173
00:06:55,269 --> 00:06:57,036
- Terribly.
- Cool.
174
00:06:57,071 --> 00:06:59,706
Well, you guys are kind of my
last hope, so that's not great.
175
00:06:59,740 --> 00:07:01,668
- [groans]
- Hey, do you mind if I borrow
176
00:07:01,692 --> 00:07:03,463
Professor Stomachache here for a second?
177
00:07:03,487 --> 00:07:06,526
Please, take him for an hour,
take all the time you want.
178
00:07:06,552 --> 00:07:09,182
♪
179
00:07:09,216 --> 00:07:11,184
Okay, sit down, maybe.
180
00:07:11,218 --> 00:07:14,021
[clears throat]
181
00:07:14,055 --> 00:07:16,956
I dated many annoying guys, okay?
182
00:07:16,990 --> 00:07:19,026
They would call me all times of the day
183
00:07:19,060 --> 00:07:22,129
"just to talk" or ask me
if I'd taken cash
184
00:07:22,163 --> 00:07:24,697
out of their wallets, stupid stuff.
185
00:07:24,731 --> 00:07:26,800
And when I stopped having fun with them,
186
00:07:26,834 --> 00:07:31,103
I'd leave. Usually wouldn't even call
or anything. I'd just bounce.
187
00:07:31,139 --> 00:07:32,706
Gotta go spend that money you stole.
188
00:07:32,740 --> 00:07:36,976
Point is, you are way more of a buzzkill
189
00:07:37,011 --> 00:07:38,577
than any of those dudes.
190
00:07:38,612 --> 00:07:40,312
Okay, thanks for this conversation.
191
00:07:40,348 --> 00:07:42,314
But, somehow,
192
00:07:42,350 --> 00:07:45,886
I never want to leave you.
193
00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:48,954
I want to stay in
the Good Place because of you.
194
00:07:49,990 --> 00:07:52,058
Because I love you.
195
00:07:52,093 --> 00:07:53,726
I think.
196
00:07:53,761 --> 00:07:56,762
No, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, I love you.
197
00:07:56,798 --> 00:07:58,899
Ugh, that's embarrassing. [laughs]
198
00:07:58,932 --> 00:08:01,600
I feel so itchy. Sorry.
199
00:08:01,636 --> 00:08:02,468
Don't say anything.
200
00:08:02,502 --> 00:08:04,637
I just needed to get that off my chest.
201
00:08:04,672 --> 00:08:06,807
Okay, I'm gonna go.
202
00:08:06,841 --> 00:08:08,809
Catch you later, silly Billy.
203
00:08:08,843 --> 00:08:11,778
Ugh, love has made me a nerd.
204
00:08:11,812 --> 00:08:12,946
Bye.
205
00:08:12,980 --> 00:08:14,814
♪
206
00:08:14,848 --> 00:08:16,582
Jianyu's a fake.
207
00:08:16,617 --> 00:08:20,019
He's not supposed to be here.
Just like your "soul mate."
208
00:08:20,053 --> 00:08:23,290
More importantly,
you did the ballerina painting
209
00:08:23,324 --> 00:08:25,826
'cause you were trying
to protect my feelings,
210
00:08:25,860 --> 00:08:27,661
because you love me.
211
00:08:27,694 --> 00:08:30,764
Oh, Chidi, don't you see?
This is the real mistake
212
00:08:30,798 --> 00:08:31,798
that was made in our neighborhood.
213
00:08:31,832 --> 00:08:35,769
You and I are soul mates.
It makes so much sense.
214
00:08:35,802 --> 00:08:39,105
- Oh, but...
- No, Chidi, true love is rare,
215
00:08:39,139 --> 00:08:41,975
like a desert flower betwixt two oases,
216
00:08:42,009 --> 00:08:44,644
but true love's also very simple.
217
00:08:44,678 --> 00:08:47,780
And right now, I'm just a girl...
218
00:08:47,815 --> 00:08:49,982
towering over a boy...
219
00:08:50,017 --> 00:08:53,953
asking him to admit he loves me.
220
00:08:53,988 --> 00:08:55,654
I feel like her confession of love
221
00:08:55,690 --> 00:08:58,158
was a lot better than mine.
Can I get a do-over?
222
00:08:58,192 --> 00:09:01,160
[light music]
223
00:09:01,195 --> 00:09:04,730
I need to step outside... for some air,
224
00:09:04,764 --> 00:09:08,033
and I will not be back
225
00:09:08,068 --> 00:09:09,577
for many days.
226
00:09:09,602 --> 00:09:11,171
Dude, you can't just run away.
227
00:09:11,205 --> 00:09:12,706
You have to...
228
00:09:12,740 --> 00:09:14,101
[sighs]
229
00:09:15,607 --> 00:09:17,826
It looks calm now,
but the storm is imminent.
230
00:09:17,851 --> 00:09:19,686
- We're...
- What's up, Carson Daly?
231
00:09:19,711 --> 00:09:20,811
My name is Jason.
232
00:09:20,837 --> 00:09:23,813
I wanna give a shout-out to all
my homies up in Jacksonville.
233
00:09:23,849 --> 00:09:26,123
I am not Carson Daly.
I'm a weather reporter.
234
00:09:26,148 --> 00:09:28,523
A hurricane is coming.
You need seek shelter.
235
00:09:28,548 --> 00:09:30,500
- I'm on TV!
- Okay.
236
00:09:31,557 --> 00:09:32,743
- Hey, Janet?
- [beep]
237
00:09:32,768 --> 00:09:35,692
Hi, there. What are you watching?
238
00:09:35,726 --> 00:09:37,927
My greatest accomplishment ever.
239
00:09:37,962 --> 00:09:40,563
I'm trying to cheer myself up
because I'm sad.
240
00:09:40,599 --> 00:09:42,500
I think I might be in big trouble.
241
00:09:42,533 --> 00:09:44,869
Can you bring me something
that will make me not-sad?
242
00:09:44,903 --> 00:09:46,604
Let me think.
243
00:09:46,638 --> 00:09:48,130
[beep]
244
00:09:48,173 --> 00:09:49,506
- [beep]
- Sorry that took so long.
245
00:09:49,540 --> 00:09:50,981
Here you go.
246
00:09:51,192 --> 00:09:52,302
Oh, dang.
247
00:09:52,326 --> 00:09:55,111
Are these from my favorite restaurant,
Stupid Nick's Wing Dump?
248
00:09:55,147 --> 00:09:57,315
Stupid Nick's closed down
because a pelican fell
249
00:09:57,349 --> 00:10:00,183
in the flash fryer,
but he opened a new place
250
00:10:00,217 --> 00:10:02,485
called Ugly Nick's Meat Trench.
251
00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:06,456
These are an exact replica
of that recipe.
252
00:10:06,490 --> 00:10:08,292
Why are you so nice to me?
253
00:10:09,628 --> 00:10:13,464
Well, you were very nice to me
while I was rebooting.
254
00:10:13,498 --> 00:10:16,299
Also, I'm programmed
to be nice to everyone.
255
00:10:17,469 --> 00:10:18,369
Janet?
256
00:10:18,403 --> 00:10:21,438
I just realized something.
257
00:10:21,472 --> 00:10:23,506
I love you.
258
00:10:23,542 --> 00:10:25,509
Okay.
259
00:10:25,543 --> 00:10:27,610
I have one more question for you.
260
00:10:28,913 --> 00:10:33,350
So you also love Chidi,
and you... you just told him,
261
00:10:33,384 --> 00:10:35,219
just now, right before I did?
262
00:10:35,253 --> 00:10:38,221
Technically, you told him
that he loves you, but yes.
263
00:10:38,255 --> 00:10:40,857
[sighs] This isn't ideal.
264
00:10:40,892 --> 00:10:42,360
We must remain civil.
265
00:10:42,394 --> 00:10:44,461
He's simply going to
have to pick one of us,
266
00:10:44,495 --> 00:10:46,563
and the loser will just
have to accept her fate
267
00:10:46,597 --> 00:10:48,466
with grace and equanimity.
268
00:10:48,500 --> 00:10:49,633
Maybe if you lose.
269
00:10:49,668 --> 00:10:51,134
If he doesn't pick me,
270
00:10:51,168 --> 00:10:52,570
I'ma start throwing stuff.
271
00:10:52,604 --> 00:10:54,238
Classy as always.
272
00:10:54,272 --> 00:10:56,874
I suppose you knew that
Jianyu was a fake, didn't you?
273
00:10:56,908 --> 00:10:58,042
Yes, I did.
274
00:10:58,076 --> 00:11:01,177
Figured you two charlatans
would sniff each other out
275
00:11:01,212 --> 00:11:04,749
like two mangy rats sharing
a pizza crust in a sewer...
276
00:11:04,783 --> 00:11:07,585
Okay... no.
277
00:11:07,619 --> 00:11:09,320
We're not gonna do this.
278
00:11:09,354 --> 00:11:12,188
We are not gonna be those women
who fight over a guy
279
00:11:12,224 --> 00:11:14,658
and find any excuse
to rip each other apart.
280
00:11:14,692 --> 00:11:17,260
I am not going to apologize
for being angry.
281
00:11:17,294 --> 00:11:20,331
You knew that my soul mate
was lying to me.
282
00:11:20,365 --> 00:11:22,533
Yes, I did, and I'm very sorry.
283
00:11:22,567 --> 00:11:27,370
Listen, you and I
have a weird, complicated,
284
00:11:27,405 --> 00:11:28,572
forked-up friendship,
285
00:11:28,606 --> 00:11:30,441
but it's our friendship,
286
00:11:30,475 --> 00:11:31,542
and I care about it.
287
00:11:31,576 --> 00:11:33,210
Let's do something fun.
288
00:11:33,245 --> 00:11:35,312
What would make you
feel happy, right now?
289
00:11:36,581 --> 00:11:38,446
[with British accent]
You have a fine home, Deirdre...
290
00:11:38,530 --> 00:11:40,918
I absolutely adore your shares.
291
00:11:40,951 --> 00:11:43,187
[with Cockney accent]
I don't know bugger all about
292
00:11:43,221 --> 00:11:46,590
a shares... I been using this
as a bloody toilet, I have.
293
00:11:46,995 --> 00:11:48,889
- [laughs]
- What's this show called, again?
294
00:11:48,998 --> 00:11:50,340
It's "Deirdre and Margaret."
295
00:11:50,365 --> 00:11:52,379
It ran for 16 years on the BBC.
296
00:11:52,403 --> 00:11:54,398
They did nearly 30 episodes.
297
00:11:54,432 --> 00:11:56,866
It's about two women
from very different worlds
298
00:11:56,902 --> 00:11:59,269
who become friends, sort of like us.
299
00:11:59,303 --> 00:12:02,373
Oh, Deirdre, no! That's priceless art!
300
00:12:02,407 --> 00:12:04,307
I thought it was fruit, innit?
301
00:12:04,341 --> 00:12:05,475
[laughs] Deirdre.
302
00:12:05,509 --> 00:12:07,378
I take it the moron is me?
303
00:12:07,412 --> 00:12:09,547
Well, it's not a direct parallel.
304
00:12:09,581 --> 00:12:11,548
Okay, we did your thing.
305
00:12:11,582 --> 00:12:12,615
Now it's my turn.
306
00:12:12,650 --> 00:12:15,552
Are you ready to take
our bonding to the next level?
307
00:12:15,586 --> 00:12:18,556
[light music]
308
00:12:18,590 --> 00:12:20,457
Oh, good, you're back.
309
00:12:20,491 --> 00:12:22,225
Yeah, I, uh, I know we're short on time,
310
00:12:22,259 --> 00:12:24,562
but I need your help
with a personal dilemma.
311
00:12:24,596 --> 00:12:25,729
[sighs] This is about
312
00:12:25,764 --> 00:12:27,831
Fake Eleanor and Real Eleanor.
313
00:12:27,865 --> 00:12:30,600
Yes, which person is my soul mate?
314
00:12:30,634 --> 00:12:34,572
Real Eleanor, that's
what the system determined.
315
00:12:34,605 --> 00:12:35,639
- Okay.
- Of course,
316
00:12:35,673 --> 00:12:39,576
the system did screw up
by letting Fake Eleanor in.
317
00:12:39,610 --> 00:12:41,412
You know, it's interesting.
318
00:12:41,446 --> 00:12:43,581
Fake Eleanor being selected accidentally
319
00:12:43,615 --> 00:12:44,682
and then you bonding with her
320
00:12:44,716 --> 00:12:47,618
could have shifted the formula.
321
00:12:47,652 --> 00:12:49,687
Right, it's one of those two people.
322
00:12:49,721 --> 00:12:52,355
Well, I d... I don't know.
I mean, the system might be
323
00:12:52,389 --> 00:12:54,491
so screwed up at this point
that maybe you don't belong
324
00:12:54,525 --> 00:12:55,993
to either Eleanor.
325
00:12:56,027 --> 00:12:56,994
[tense music]
326
00:12:57,028 --> 00:12:59,596
Oh...
327
00:12:59,630 --> 00:13:03,033
- You is spreading...
- What?
328
00:13:03,067 --> 00:13:06,035
Your indecisiveness is
infecting me like a virus.
329
00:13:06,071 --> 00:13:09,673
Oh, Chidi, this could send us
down a very dangerous path.
330
00:13:09,707 --> 00:13:11,008
If you can't make a choice,
331
00:13:11,042 --> 00:13:13,777
this whole neighborhood
could fall apart.
332
00:13:13,812 --> 00:13:16,279
Okay, getting close here.
333
00:13:16,313 --> 00:13:18,782
Just mulling the ethical
ramifications of various soups.
334
00:13:18,817 --> 00:13:20,951
Ah, same old Chidi.
335
00:13:20,985 --> 00:13:22,786
I can come back for a fifth time.
336
00:13:22,821 --> 00:13:24,554
Yeah, you know, maybe that's smart.
337
00:13:24,588 --> 00:13:25,456
[laughs]
338
00:13:25,490 --> 00:13:27,822
How are you? Uzo, it's been too long.
339
00:13:27,846 --> 00:13:30,302
It has, it has. Look, as you know,
340
00:13:30,327 --> 00:13:32,642
Ellen and I are engaged.
You're my oldest friend,
341
00:13:32,667 --> 00:13:34,398
and I love you like a brother,
342
00:13:34,432 --> 00:13:37,701
and that's why I'd like you
to not be my best man.
343
00:13:37,735 --> 00:13:39,846
- Sorry?
- Look, if you were my best man,
344
00:13:39,870 --> 00:13:41,672
you'd have to plan the bachelor party,
345
00:13:41,706 --> 00:13:44,741
decide what to say in your toast,
handle problems that pop up the day of.
346
00:13:44,775 --> 00:13:45,975
It would drive you up the wall.
347
00:13:46,009 --> 00:13:49,613
Well, Uzo, this isn't choosing
soccer teams on a playground.
348
00:13:49,647 --> 00:13:52,014
When something's important to me,
I can make a decision.
349
00:13:52,049 --> 00:13:53,716
Watch. Um, excuse me, excuse me.
350
00:13:53,751 --> 00:13:55,719
I have decided I would like to
351
00:13:55,754 --> 00:13:58,187
unequivocally order the pumpkin soup.
352
00:13:58,222 --> 00:13:59,856
Perfect.
353
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:03,552
You kind of want to change your order.
354
00:14:03,638 --> 00:14:04,937
Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking.
355
00:14:04,962 --> 00:14:06,964
- Excuse me, Risotto. Risotto?
- Yeah.
356
00:14:08,198 --> 00:14:09,600
As much as I'm enjoying this,
357
00:14:09,634 --> 00:14:11,745
shouldn't we be working on your case
to try and stay here?
358
00:14:11,769 --> 00:14:14,238
Honestly, how am I gonna help them?
359
00:14:14,272 --> 00:14:16,941
They are much smarter than me.
Now, hair extensions?
360
00:14:16,975 --> 00:14:18,576
This is where I shine.
361
00:14:18,610 --> 00:14:21,412
You were already
at almost-maximum hotness,
362
00:14:21,446 --> 00:14:24,682
but now you look like
a sexy, tan Rapunzel.
363
00:14:24,716 --> 00:14:26,750
Ugh, the dream.
364
00:14:26,784 --> 00:14:30,754
And how exactly did you
learn how to do this?
365
00:14:30,788 --> 00:14:35,359
When I was 14, I had to make
myself look older to get a job.
366
00:14:35,393 --> 00:14:39,028
These were the ones I used,
and they are real cheap.
367
00:14:39,063 --> 00:14:41,499
You're gonna want to
stay away from open flames
368
00:14:41,533 --> 00:14:43,701
and altercations at outlet malls.
369
00:14:43,735 --> 00:14:45,936
[laughs]
370
00:14:45,971 --> 00:14:47,687
Hey...
371
00:14:48,213 --> 00:14:52,303
I'm really sorry that
I didn't tell you about Jianyu
372
00:14:52,408 --> 00:14:54,352
and that you got saddled with him.
373
00:14:54,513 --> 00:14:57,767
Yes, that is regrettable, but...
374
00:14:59,049 --> 00:15:00,683
I forgive you.
375
00:15:00,719 --> 00:15:03,173
[laughs] Maybe you two are soul mates.
376
00:15:03,197 --> 00:15:04,355
[both chuckle]
377
00:15:04,389 --> 00:15:06,203
[suspenseful music]
378
00:15:06,229 --> 00:15:08,458
Holy shirt.
379
00:15:08,493 --> 00:15:09,426
Maybe we are.
380
00:15:09,461 --> 00:15:12,629
I know it seems crazy,
but... but think about it:
381
00:15:12,663 --> 00:15:15,365
Jianyu is a hot dummy,
definitely my type.
382
00:15:15,399 --> 00:15:17,039
We both love to dance,
we were both banned
383
00:15:17,067 --> 00:15:19,403
from public transit systems
in our cities.
384
00:15:19,437 --> 00:15:20,904
I think this is the answer.
385
00:15:20,938 --> 00:15:22,338
People come in pairs here,
386
00:15:22,374 --> 00:15:23,640
and if the system paired us up,
387
00:15:23,674 --> 00:15:24,841
then maybe somehow
388
00:15:24,875 --> 00:15:27,333
I do belong here with him.
389
00:15:27,359 --> 00:15:28,546
- [beep]
- Hi, there.
390
00:15:28,580 --> 00:15:30,047
Jason and I are getting married
391
00:15:30,081 --> 00:15:32,515
in ten minutes, and you're invited.
392
00:15:35,225 --> 00:15:37,153
[quirky music]
393
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:39,808
Here, we've got your soul mate options:
394
00:15:39,842 --> 00:15:41,177
Eleanor,
395
00:15:41,211 --> 00:15:42,472
Real Eleanor,
396
00:15:42,498 --> 00:15:44,813
and a theoretical third person.
397
00:15:44,847 --> 00:15:47,450
Let's call her...
strawberry mango twist.
398
00:15:47,484 --> 00:15:49,317
Okay, close your eyes.
399
00:15:49,352 --> 00:15:51,241
Think about each of the women.
400
00:15:52,879 --> 00:15:54,046
Open your eyes.
401
00:15:54,424 --> 00:15:56,325
The answer is Real Eleanor.
402
00:15:56,350 --> 00:15:58,727
- How do you know?
- I don't, but the minute I said that,
403
00:15:58,761 --> 00:16:01,297
you knew instinctively
whether it felt right.
404
00:16:01,331 --> 00:16:02,731
Well, hang on, let me think about that.
405
00:16:02,765 --> 00:16:04,399
- No, no.
- Because it...
406
00:16:04,434 --> 00:16:07,202
No more thinking, Chidi.
Just do something.
407
00:16:07,236 --> 00:16:10,373
Indecision caused you
so much agony in your life,
408
00:16:10,407 --> 00:16:12,307
right up to the very end.
409
00:16:13,443 --> 00:16:15,577
I had a little trouble
writing my speech.
410
00:16:15,611 --> 00:16:18,213
Um... I wrote 11 different versions.
411
00:16:18,248 --> 00:16:19,381
Wedding's in 20 minutes, buddy.
412
00:16:19,416 --> 00:16:23,219
Oh, boy, I mean, these
run about 55 minutes a piece.
413
00:16:23,253 --> 00:16:24,086
I'm really hot.
414
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:26,254
Is this air conditioner even working?
415
00:16:26,289 --> 00:16:28,323
Yes, it is. You're just having
416
00:16:28,357 --> 00:16:30,692
a literal meltdown.
Also, you're not dressed yet,
417
00:16:30,726 --> 00:16:32,161
and we haven't picked up the rings.
418
00:16:32,196 --> 00:16:34,290
Okay, well, uh, there's an issue there
419
00:16:34,316 --> 00:16:37,700
involving what I consider
to be unfair labor practices
420
00:16:37,734 --> 00:16:40,188
- on the part of the jeweler.
- And we never had a bachelor party
421
00:16:40,213 --> 00:16:43,338
because you could never
settle on a location or time.
422
00:16:43,373 --> 00:16:45,707
♪
423
00:16:45,741 --> 00:16:47,710
I'm sorry, you were right.
424
00:16:47,744 --> 00:16:49,211
This is too much for me.
425
00:16:49,245 --> 00:16:51,780
You should just leave me here
and go get married.
426
00:16:51,815 --> 00:16:53,381
Yeah, here's the thing, bud:
427
00:16:53,417 --> 00:16:55,418
my wedding isn't for another month.
428
00:16:55,451 --> 00:16:56,852
This was a test to see
429
00:16:56,886 --> 00:16:58,287
if you could handle being my best man,
430
00:16:58,322 --> 00:17:01,224
and, just as I predicted,
you failed, miserably.
431
00:17:01,258 --> 00:17:04,259
Oh, no. No, I mean, I'm... I'm relieved,
432
00:17:04,294 --> 00:17:06,695
but this is embarrassing.
433
00:17:06,730 --> 00:17:07,797
It's okay, bud.
434
00:17:07,830 --> 00:17:09,531
Obviously, I prepared for this.
435
00:17:09,566 --> 00:17:10,900
Let's just go have a nice night.
436
00:17:10,933 --> 00:17:13,201
I'll buy you a beer.
437
00:17:13,237 --> 00:17:14,369
30 minutes, Chidi?
438
00:17:14,403 --> 00:17:16,506
We have been trying to pick
a bar for 30 minutes.
439
00:17:16,539 --> 00:17:18,641
It is literally impossible
to be your friend.
440
00:17:18,674 --> 00:17:20,643
You're incapable of making
a single decision.
441
00:17:20,676 --> 00:17:22,444
Look, I know I can be indecisive,
442
00:17:22,479 --> 00:17:25,622
but what's the harm in taking a few
extra minutes to find the perfect...
443
00:17:25,646 --> 00:17:26,713
[clang]
444
00:17:26,739 --> 00:17:28,250
[dramatic music]
445
00:17:29,318 --> 00:17:30,634
Chidi?
446
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:34,490
You're right.
I just need to make a decision.
447
00:17:34,525 --> 00:17:38,227
I'm gonna look each of these
women in the eye, trust my gut,
448
00:17:38,261 --> 00:17:39,394
and figure out how I feel.
449
00:17:39,429 --> 00:17:41,297
You're kidding. That worked?
450
00:17:41,330 --> 00:17:43,766
Great! Go do it!
451
00:17:45,536 --> 00:17:46,501
Ha!
452
00:17:46,537 --> 00:17:51,273
Man on speaker: Ladies and gentlemen,
let's get ready to married.
453
00:17:51,307 --> 00:17:54,277
[electronic music playing]
454
00:17:54,310 --> 00:18:00,089
♪
455
00:18:00,115 --> 00:18:01,450
Yo, check it.
456
00:18:01,484 --> 00:18:03,653
♪
457
00:18:03,686 --> 00:18:04,819
[laughs]
458
00:18:04,855 --> 00:18:06,188
This is great.
459
00:18:06,222 --> 00:18:08,490
At different moments
during our time here,
460
00:18:08,525 --> 00:18:12,627
we both thought that Tragic Mike
over here was our one true love,
461
00:18:12,663 --> 00:18:16,365
and now he is marrying
whatever Janet is.
462
00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:19,367
I suppose you're right.
It is a bit strange.
463
00:18:19,403 --> 00:18:21,369
I'd like to read a poem.
464
00:18:21,404 --> 00:18:23,439
"Janet, my digital queen.
465
00:18:23,472 --> 00:18:25,942
"Janet, we can dare to dream.
466
00:18:25,976 --> 00:18:28,223
Send nude pics of your heart to me."
467
00:18:28,248 --> 00:18:31,255
- [gags]
- "Jacksonville Jaguars rule!"
468
00:18:31,279 --> 00:18:34,717
Jason, when I was rebooted,
and I lost all my knowledge,
469
00:18:34,750 --> 00:18:37,519
I was confused and disoriented,
470
00:18:37,554 --> 00:18:39,721
but you were always kind to me.
471
00:18:39,756 --> 00:18:45,294
And according to the central
theme of 231,600 songs, movies,
472
00:18:45,328 --> 00:18:46,996
poems, and novels that I researched
473
00:18:47,029 --> 00:18:48,830
for these vows
in the last three seconds,
474
00:18:48,865 --> 00:18:50,732
that's what love's all about.
475
00:18:50,767 --> 00:18:53,008
Does anybody here object
to this marriage?
476
00:18:53,031 --> 00:18:54,075
- Of course we do... how could
- Yes, it is a terrible idea.
477
00:18:54,099 --> 00:18:56,404
- we not object?
- Overruled.
478
00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:57,583
- Jason?
- Mm-hmm?
479
00:18:57,607 --> 00:18:58,574
Do you want me to be your wife?
480
00:18:58,608 --> 00:19:00,009
- Yeah.
- I want you to be my husband.
481
00:19:00,042 --> 00:19:02,577
- Tight.
- So, by the power vested in me,
482
00:19:02,613 --> 00:19:05,914
by me, I now pronounce us
husband and wife.
483
00:19:05,949 --> 00:19:07,583
- We did it!
- [laughs]
484
00:19:07,617 --> 00:19:09,919
Can I kiss you,
or will I be electrocuted?
485
00:19:09,952 --> 00:19:12,520
Only one way to find out.
486
00:19:12,556 --> 00:19:16,189
Whoo, get some! Got get it, girl!
487
00:19:16,213 --> 00:19:17,457
I'm just going with it now.
488
00:19:17,481 --> 00:19:19,189
[laughter]
489
00:19:21,195 --> 00:19:24,698
["At Last" by Etta James playing]
490
00:19:24,732 --> 00:19:28,357
It's funny... I was devastated
when I found out
491
00:19:28,383 --> 00:19:31,896
that he wasn't my soul mate,
but now I think
492
00:19:31,922 --> 00:19:33,599
I've dodged a bullet.
493
00:19:33,625 --> 00:19:35,558
He's a simple man.
494
00:19:35,643 --> 00:19:37,577
I once watched him eat electrical tape
495
00:19:37,612 --> 00:19:39,145
right off the roll.
496
00:19:39,180 --> 00:19:42,548
He thought it was a
Fruit by the Foot that had gone bad.
497
00:19:42,584 --> 00:19:45,192
Thank you for being such
a great friend to me today.
498
00:19:45,218 --> 00:19:47,676
'Course, hot stuff. I got your back.
499
00:19:47,701 --> 00:19:49,455
♪
500
00:19:49,490 --> 00:19:53,125
Eleanor, hey, I just wanted
to see if you'd talked to Chidi.
501
00:19:53,161 --> 00:19:54,193
Uh, yeah, I did.
502
00:19:54,229 --> 00:19:56,163
I mean, you don't have to
tell me what you said.
503
00:19:56,197 --> 00:19:57,763
I just wanted to see if you're okay.
504
00:19:57,798 --> 00:20:00,601
Oh, man, you are a good person.
505
00:20:00,634 --> 00:20:03,804
I swear, if I had known you
and Tahani and Chidi on Earth,
506
00:20:03,837 --> 00:20:06,839
I might have for real
gotten into the Good Place.
507
00:20:06,875 --> 00:20:08,509
Oh, hey,
508
00:20:08,542 --> 00:20:11,144
it's my three favorite yogurts.
509
00:20:11,179 --> 00:20:14,314
Hey, um, about what happened earlier...
510
00:20:14,348 --> 00:20:16,916
I've been kind of
all over the place today.
511
00:20:16,951 --> 00:20:19,786
An hour ago, I thought
Jianyu was my soul mate,
512
00:20:19,820 --> 00:20:21,654
and the fact that
that kind of made sense
513
00:20:21,689 --> 00:20:24,156
means you and I could never be
meant for each other.
514
00:20:24,192 --> 00:20:26,292
Plus, Jianyu's married to Janet now.
515
00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:27,426
Okay.
516
00:20:27,461 --> 00:20:28,662
♪
517
00:20:28,695 --> 00:20:29,762
What?
518
00:20:29,797 --> 00:20:32,633
I do love you, but I think more
519
00:20:32,666 --> 00:20:36,537
in a best friend afterlife
savior kind of way.
520
00:20:36,570 --> 00:20:38,704
I'm not so much
"hot for teacher" as I am
521
00:20:38,740 --> 00:20:41,842
"eternally grateful for semi-cute,
522
00:20:41,875 --> 00:20:43,809
surprisingly ripped teacher."
523
00:20:43,845 --> 00:20:46,646
Chidi, I also have to apologize.
524
00:20:46,681 --> 00:20:49,182
It's just that when I found out
that Jianyu wasn't my soul mate,
525
00:20:49,217 --> 00:20:51,285
I-I desperately needed
something to keep me afloat,
526
00:20:51,318 --> 00:20:54,980
and, well, you were the nearest
lifeboat, as it were.
527
00:20:55,005 --> 00:20:56,789
And yes, we do have
the sort of connection
528
00:20:56,825 --> 00:20:59,393
that only two highly educated,
sophisticates could have,
529
00:20:59,426 --> 00:21:01,728
but it's not true love.
530
00:21:01,762 --> 00:21:04,631
True love is what Janet and Jianyu have.
531
00:21:04,665 --> 00:21:06,567
Yeah. What?
532
00:21:06,601 --> 00:21:07,867
Oh, we would love to stay and chat,
533
00:21:07,902 --> 00:21:09,603
but we need to find Michael.
534
00:21:09,636 --> 00:21:13,539
Eleanor, I think I figured out
a way for you to stay.
535
00:21:13,575 --> 00:21:16,108
- [gasps]
- Really? I... I'll come too.
536
00:21:16,144 --> 00:21:17,810
["Digital Get Down" by 'N Sync playing]
537
00:21:17,846 --> 00:21:20,413
♪ Digital digital get down ♪
538
00:21:20,940 --> 00:21:22,782
- ♪ Just you and me ♪
- What?
40299
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