All language subtitles for Melissa and Joey s03e03 Inside Job.eng

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

Full-day budget hearing.
( Groans )

Do you know how tiring it is to act
like you're listening all day long?

"Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Really? Oh."

But by and large you like your
job down at City Hall, right?

Yeah, I mean, everyone holds
the elevator door for me,

and just like Batman, I get to
say I'm friends with the mayor.

So it would even be a good place
to work part-time, right?

- I think I forgot my purse in the car.
- What's that on your arm?

Oh, I think I forgot
something else in the car.

Yeah, maybe you forgot to tell me
that a part-time job opened up

in the Toledo
controller's office.

- It's not the right job for you, Joe.
- Aha!

- So you did know about it.
- Are you looking for work behind my back?

Apparently that's
where the jobs are.

It's paper pushing.
You'd be looking for

budget reductions and redundancies.
It's not sexy.

And hosing bird poop off
your mailbox, that's sexy?

It is when you do it.

Look, and besides you're happy here.
So very happy!

Happiness requires personal fulfillment
and a little self-respect.

- Mm-hmm mm-hmm.
- And I just, don't really think that I'm getting that here.

- Really? Oh.
- Will you knock that off?!

All right, look.
It's true I didn't tell you,

but, you know,
if you apply for that job,

all that Scanlon business
is gonna come right back up.

I just didn't want to see you
publicly embarrassed again.

Burke, I'm a male nanny who hoses
bird poop off your mailbox.

I think I'm past
the whole embarrassment thing.

All right, just get me
in the room for the interview.

- Who makes the decision?
- Well, there's a committee of seven people,

- but really it comes down to two.
- Okay, who are they?

- Give me their names.
- Well, there's Paul Wagner

and some other person.

- Okay, who?
- Uh, some lady.

I don't know...

Me.

( Theme music playing )

- ♪ It's all good
- ♪ All good

- ♪ it's okay
- ♪ Okay

- ♪ it's all right
- ♪ All right

♪ as far as I can see

- ♪ it's all good
- ♪ All good

- ♪ it's okay
- ♪ Okay

- ♪ it's all right
- ♪ All right

♪ I guess you're stuck
Sync & corrections by Alice | www.addic7ed.com

♪ with me.
Sync & corrections by Alice | www.addic7ed.com

So you're one of two people
that make the call

on a job that I am unbelievably qualified
for and yet you kept it from me.

How long are you gonna keep
nursing this wound, Joe?

It's been one minute.

Exactly.
It's time to move on.

Did you say dinner?

No.

- Could you say dinner?
- No.

But I will say this,
your aunt could have

put me up for this really
great job and she didn't.

- What's up with that, Aunt Mel?
- What? It's a part-time thingy.

And worse it'll take
your tutor away from you.

( Sarcastically )
Oh no.

My hard-ass teacher will be
in my face a whole lot less.

Boo-freaking-hoo.

Well, the kids
are on board.

Yeah, why are standing
in Joe's way?

Fine.
I'll get you the interview.

Thank you, and thank you, guys.
It's nice to know that you have my back.

Sure. You deserve a crack at an
important management-level job

that fully utilizes
your executive skill set.

Hm-mm, I totally agree.

Now can you manage
some dinner?

You know I start
rehearsals tomorrow?

Uh-huh.

It's the play where
I'm kissing another boy.

So just making sure
you don't freak out about it.

This guy-- not worried.

It's Archer Adams.
Not my type, but the school blog

named him sexiest upperclassman,
non-jock category.

Yeah, I just know
you're doing the play

to broaden yourself as a
writer, not to kiss some guy.

Speaking of kissing a guy,
what are we doing this weekend?

I need to break in this
new watermelon lip gloss.

Ooh.
Well, I don't know.

I've got a lot of work to do
on my art-school portfolio.

Hey, do you remember that
beautiful spot at Toledo Beach

- we went for our first date?
- Oh, how could I forget?

I still haven't gotten
all the sand out of my-- ear.

What were you thinking?

I'm going back there
to draw rocks.

Uh-oh. No, I can't be
the first one here.

It's gonna look like
I'm on your side.

Aren't you on my side?

Well yes, but secretly,
which makes it even better.

Shh, yay Joe.

Relax, Burke, I'm gonna knock
this interview out of the park.

I've already gone
through five years

of these city budgets
and I've got a lot of ideas.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Really?

What? That was
totally sincere.

Uh... thank you so much

for joining us today,
Mr. Longow.

Am I pronouncing
that correctly?

Thank you for coming in today.

It's very nice to meet you.
I'm Joe Longo.

Yeah.
I can read.

Look, we need somebody
with a sharp eye

who can spot
inefficiencies and waste.

Well, I've already isolated
four areas of budget redundancy.

It's something
I like to call

the Longo Initiative
for Cost Cutting,

or "Lick."

The problem I see with you

is that there's
no controller experience.

Nothing. Zip.

Now where did
we get this guy?

( Clears throat )

You know if I can just
counter that by saying

that my vast experience in the private
sector has more than qualified--

Wait a minute--
Joe Longo.

Aren't you the guy
from that financial scandal?

That was your crooked
brother-in-law, right, Burke?

Was it? Huh.

What do you know?
I guess you're right.

Um, look, I... I had nothing to do
with that malfeasance that occurred.

W-w-- wait.
Wait a minute.

- You're working for Burke now?
- Let me see that.

I didn't know
you were gonna--

Yes indeedy.
He works for me.

I'm um...

I'm her executive...

director of, um...

household affairs.

So you do have experience
with government,

just indirectly.

Now do you trust this guy
in your house?

- Yeah, I do.
- Well, that's good enough for me.

You're hired, Longo.

In jobs like this
it's all about trust.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

This here's our last
three fiscal years.

You know, just go on
and do your thing.

Lick it.

Happy to.

Did you see what I did there?

My trusting you
got you this job.

The job you weren't
gonna tell me about?

You've really got to learn
to let things go, Joe.

Now get cracking on that mountain
of paperwork. Go suck it.

Lick it.

Whatever.

Oh, Alejandro,
I shouldn't be here.

You shouldn't be here.

No stay. Every moment apart
from you is a thousand years.

Every step away from you
is a thousand miles.

- Kiss me!
- No.

My father's in the carriage house
and will most certainly see us.

I don't care.
I must have your lips.

That was great.

- It was.
- Uh-huh.

This is looking very good.
The writer is very happy.

Thank you, Lizbeth. Just
making your words come alive.

Okay, well, let's run that
again while it's still fresh.

I don't mind.

Me either.

And... action.

The scene, Lennox,
I meant the whole scene.

Oh, of course.
Yes, words.

Words are very good too.

So look what I had
flown in just for Joe.

Mignona's Famous
from Jersey City.

Yeah.

So we can fly in pizza
from another state,

but I can't
buy new sneakers.

Well, it's his favorite.
A gift like this clearly says

"I should have told you
about the job.

I was worried about nothing.
And I'm glad you got hired."

That's putting a lot
of pressure on a pizza.

Yeah, but this way I don't
actually have to apologize.

Hey, Lennox.
Lennox?

Everything okay?

Nothing happened.
It was just a rehearsal.

Who's to say it means anything.
Can we just drop it?!

Sorry to badger you
like that.

Surprise.

Look what I so thoughtfully
got for you-- pizza.

Oh, Mignona's Famous.
I love this place.

She got it with extra cheese
and double meaning.

Yeah, and grand
expensive gesture

- to celebrate your first week on the job.
- Thank you. Thank you.

- Can I talk to you just real quick in the other room?
- Mm-hmm.

So this nothing
that didn't happen.

Did it not happen
with Archer Adams?

Oh shut up.
You're not even at school.

Yeah, but I read the play.
It's pretty hot.

You know a lot of
romances start on set

because of all the...
Rehearsing.

Just look at
Brad and Angelina.

- You know nothing.
- I know that Zander's

about to find out
he's Jennifer Aniston.

So look, I wanted to talk
to you about this first.

But I was going over
the budgets for the city

and the numbers are not adding up.
There's money missing.

Do you know
anything about this?

( Sighs )

Okay. About a month
ago, I used petty cash

to buy two dozen mini-bundt
cakes for a staff meeting.

Nobody ate them
so I brought them home.

The discrepancy
is $1.2 million.

Okay, that's not me.

Damn it. Why am I always
standing five feet away

when other people
steal money?

It's like these scandals, they
will just not leave me alone.

You know, neither will
hot women,

but that's like a whole
'nother 45 minutes.

Joe, this happened before you got there--
that means you've done a good job.

You were hired to find inefficiencies.
You found 1.2 million of them.

No no, these are not
inefficiencies, Mel.

This is a big pile of government money
that grew legs and walked away.

Although for that kind of money it could have
bought a Ferrari and driven itself away.

I'm gonna have to go
tell Wagner tonight.

Joe, not every million dollars
that's missing is a scandal.

It could just be some good
old-fashioned government waste.

Have faith in the system.

Those are some pretty
great-looking rocks.

Yeah, I was trying to capture
the way the waves carve--

You know, I'm sorry.
I've been in my own head lately.

I should have asked you first thing.
How'd your rehearsal go?

Oh, you know, the usual. Nothing special.
Certainly nothing exciting.

Just, you know,
talk talk kiss kiss.

Kiss kiss kiss.

But I'd prefer to kiss a guy
I'm actually going out with.

Well, that can
be arranged.

Don't be afraid to hold it
a little longer.

And try turning your head into it.
You know?

Is that what
you were looking for?

A little bit. Maybe it'd
be better if we stood up.

Now tell me
you must have my lips.

What is that?
A line from the play?

No, just say it.
It's fun.

I thought the kissing
was the fun part.

So why do I have
to say that?

Because you're swept away
with your passion for me

like the excitement when we first met and
you can no longer control your--

- ( phone vibrates )
- Oh, my phone's buzzing. Oh.

"I must have my phone!"

Oh, it's the guy
from the silk-screen shop.

- I've really got to take this.
- No hurry.

I bet you didn't know I was
over here the whole time.

You were listening to us?

Yeah, and watching you
try and cast Zander

in the new play of yours
called "Kissing Archer Adams."

All right, what I'm doing
with Archer is acting

that looks like kissing.

But when I kiss Zander,

that means something
because he's the only boy

I truly care about.

Mm-hmm.
So in the play,

is your acting gonna be more
believable than it is right now?

( Sighs )

See, every month
the Parks disbursement

should be getting
this $32,000.

And every month
it just doesn't show up.

You know it's--

it's gone.

All...

All $1.2 million worth.

Joe, with a government
the size of Toledo

a little money get's misplaced
once in a while.

It's like when change falls
between the cushions of a couch.

That would be
a pretty big couch.

So you see why
we had to meet tonight.

We're gonna have
to do something.

Or we don't do anything.

I'm sorry. What?

Here's the thing.

You don't need another
scandal in your life.

Wait a minute. Wait, this-- this happened
long before I started working here.

Well, who's to say really?

And how would it look
for your friend?

You know,
the councilwoman.

Something like
this coming out,

it could really-- it could
really damage her future.

You know why you're
here, don't you?

You're here
because I can trust you.

Yeah, you can trust me
not to blow the whistle

on your money-sucking couch.

Ah, it's very complicated, man.

But hasn't your reputation
been through enough?

Let me take you out
to dinner sometime.

You know,
I'm thinking steak.

Oh yeah.

I bet you are.

Big, greasy, slimy
piece of steak.

It's him, Burke.

Wagner's the one who's been
taking all the money

- out of the budgets for the parks.
- Are you sure about this?

Yes, I'm positive.
That's why he hired me.

See, he knew if I said anything, it
was gonna blow up on me and you.

Crap, it's gonna
look like I'm involved.

Like I brought you in
to cover my tracks.

Oh, there goes
my political future.

Ooh, I never should have
recommended you for this job!

You didn't.
You hid it from me.

Not well enough.

Wait a minute.
Wait, look--

there is one thing that we
might be able to try, okay?

When things started
to go South at Scanlon,

the FBI came to me and they asked me if
I would help set up a sting on Lewis.

So you want to run a secret
spy operation on Wagner?

Maybe we could crawl
through air ducts

and lower ourselves
through rotating fan blades.

- What do you think, you're Bruce Willis?
- I could do what he does.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Look look.

All we have to do is get
Wagner to say that he did it

- while we record him.
- So you're gonna wear a wire?

Well, no no no.
Not me.

My clothes are way too form-fitting.
There'd be nowhere to put it.

I know where I'd put it.

- No, you're gonna be the one wearing the wire.
- What? No.

I have a very specific look with
clean lines and classic curves.

Burke, you know it's not
a reel-to-reel tape deck, right?

Why don't you just get a looser
sport jacket and hide it in there?

What? Me in baggy clothes?! No, that
would put up so many red flags.

Okay, this is
not that difficult.

Look, say this is our
secret recording device.

What are you--
what are you--

it's gonna do that
every time.

Just like grip it with
your pecs or something.

What do you mean
grip it with my--

like that.

Yeah, I think
Wagner's gonna realize

that I don't have
a third rectangular boob.

Aunt Mel, can I ask you
something woman to woman?

Chica a' chica?
Lay it on me.

Have you ever gotten
an amazingly hot kiss

from the totally wrong guy?

Yes. Once.

From 2001 to 2005.

You know the play
that I'm in?

I'm kissing this guy Archer
and he's kissing me back

and it's different
from when I kiss Zander.

- It's--
- More exciting?

Much more.

I'm thinking there might be a
strong connection with Archer.

- Well, what about Zander?
- I don't know.

Things have kind
of lost their sizzle.

He spends all of his time
drawing rocks.

Honey, serious relationships
can't always be thrilling.

You know, eventually
all guys draw rocks.

So it starts off exciting
and then drops off to bleh?

Nothing wrong with bleh.

Look, there's no fireworks on July
5th, but it's still nice and warm.

I'm too young
to settle for warm.

- I need hot.
- So are you saying you're ready to break up with Zander?

Absolutely not, but don't you
think I owe it to myself

to find out if there's
something there with Archer?

I mean that kiss.

Okay, come back
from the kiss.

The kiss is messing
with your head.

Take it from someone with
a little more experience.

Okay, a lot more
experience.

You don't want to risk
what you have with Zander.

You know what?

I'm gonna call Archer.

Honey, you're playing with fire.
It's not worth it.

Oh, who am I kidding?
I'd do the exact same thing.

I think this
extra rehearsal time

could really help us.
Good idea, Lennox.

Well, you learn so much in this process.
I'm really enjoying it.

I mean the acting.

You know, discovering
the truth in every moment.

I still feel like the kiss
could use more...

- Definition.
- Oh, I totally agree.

What do you mean?

Let's just let
the characters guide us.

When Alejandro
leans into Clara,

he's really hoping that...

Stop!

That's not how you do it.

When you kiss a girl,
you've got to mean it.

Let me show you
how it's done.

- How was that?
- Pretty much perfect.

I'm taking you to
Toledo Beach right now.

Just the two of us. We'll watch the sunset.
Go get your books.

You don't have to work
on your portfolio?

Screw that. Besides I
already turned it in.

Hey, man.

Thanks for the heads up.
She really was feeling unappreciated.

I'm telling you, a little
passion goes a long way.

And anyway I did it as much
for me as for you guys.

Kevin was really upset
about all this kissing.

The last thing I need
is a jealous boyfriend.

You're a talented actor.

Oh, no doubt
I am fabulous.

All right, let's go, babe. I'm
sorry to skip out on rehearsals,

but when your man
kisses you like that...

I get it--

trust me.

You're gonna like the rib eye here.
It's not cheap, but--

- we can afford it, right?
- Yes, we can.

Are you two gonna tell me
what this is about?

Or are you gonna keep
shooting each other looks

like a couple
of bad poker players?

Here's the deal.

We both know
the money is missing.

"Missing."

We promise not to say
anything about the money

as long as we get
a piece of the pie.

Yeah, and a nice piece too,

you know, with fruit in it.
Made with lots of "dough."

I'm sure we can
speak candidly

because no one here is
wearing a wire. Right?

Clearly, Longo, with the way you dress,
there's nowhere to put one on you.

So I'm guessing
it's the esteemed councilwoman.

Now is that a recording device
tucked underneath there

or are you just
happy to see me?

Oh!

Total amateurs.

I expected a little
more ingenuity.

Did you get
the extended warranty?

- No, I just--
- Oh, too bad.

You told me
you couldn't see it.

Well, I'm sorry for not staring
down your shirt all night.

Lovely, Anthony,
as always.

I think we should just
drop the whole matter

and enjoy ourselves.

Let's just relax.

Savor the good life.

While the city of Toledo
foots the bill?

I'm-a lick it.

What are you--

You're actually
gonna eat?

What?

Wasting a perfectly good
rib eye won't prove anything.

( Coughs )

- Oh my God, let me just--
- No no no. Wait wait wait.

Hold-- hold--
just hold on a second, Mel.

- He's fine.
- ( Bangs table )

Don't worry. I got it, really.
Eat, enjoy it, okay.

That was a pretty
big bite there, Paul.

So look, here's my proposal,
all right?

I'm gonna come over there
and save your life

as long as you admit
that you stole the money.

Would you do that little
thing for me? Yeah?

You will?
Okay.

So you did in fact
steal the money?

- ( Mutters )
- You did? Okay. All right, great.

Ready?
Here we go.

One. Two.

Three.
Thar she blows.

- Okay.
- ( Gasps )

You know, I made him learn how to
do that when he took the nanny job.

- So I just technically saved your life too.
- Uh-huh.

That's very cute, Longo.
But your proof is in a glass of water.

- So you got nothing.
- But you did take the money?

Yeah, I took the money. But no one's
gonna believe the two of you--

a Wall Street con man
and his naive co-conspirator.

You guys say anything
and you both go down.

You know what's great, Paul?

At that little store where
they sell you recording devices,

they also sell
ones that...

Look just like salt shakers.

That way amateurs like us can
lull professionals like you

into a false sense of security
with a decoy.

You double-crossing snake!

Oh, let the record show that the
councilman was looking at me

when he made that
unkind remark.

Let the record also show
the councilman is a douchebag.

You wanna get that food to go?
'Cause we should probably

just head down to the police
station like right now.

Oh yeah, let's stop off
at Channel Six on the way.

- You know, they'll eat this up.
- And you know what?

- I bet they won't choke on it.
- Yeah, it'll probably go down smooth and easy.

You guys think
you're cute, don't you?

- Yeah, we do.
- We do.

We got a thing. We just
kinda-- ( Laughs )

What are you doing?

- It's a $60 steak!
- Let's go!

Hurry!
It's on, it's on.

Two-term councilman
Paul Wagner

was arrested tonight

for embezzlement
of city funds.

And who set up the sting
that exposed the massive theft?

- None other than...
- You're welcome.

Councilwoman Mel Burke.

No mention of me?

I think I said your name.
I'm almost positive.

And who was on

Paul Wagner's staff
when the news broke?

Disgraced financial wizard
Joseph Longo.

- Oh, there you go, Joe.
- And they called you a wizard.

And being wrapped up
in this new scandal

is probably gonna cost
Longo his job.

- What?!
- Oh, come on. Like you didn't see that coming?

Hey, I did my job!
All right?

I found waste!
I found corruption!

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Would you knock that off?
Sync & corrections by Alice | www.addic7ed.com

Sync & corrections by Alice | www.addic7ed.com