All language subtitles for Melissa and Joey s01e29 Do as I Say, Not as I Did.eng

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

Lennox, I love the dress.
You have great style.

Thank me very much.
Okay, now onto footwear.

Remember, the dance
is semiformal

and I don't want to look
like I care about much.

'Cause you don't.
I mean clearly you don't.

All right, shoes.
Do the leg thing. Ready?

Retro ironic.

Hipster badass.

Ironic and badass.

Why can't women pick out
clothes for themselves?

Because you can't say, "Oh my God,
you look so cute" to yourself.

All right, which shoe
is more uncomfortable?

- Combat boot.
- Combat boot it is.

Makes you wonder
how soldiers dance.

All right,
show me sweaters.

Oh, I already decided.

No! All on your own?

I thought you
needed two keys

and a secret passcode
to deploy a sweater.

This one for at night
and this one for in the morning.

In the morning? I-I-I thought this
dance ends promptly at 11:00 P.M.

Yes, but afterwards there's an
all-night party that lasts--

you're not gonna
believe this-- all night.

It doesn't say it
on the flyer.

"All-night party."

- It's right there on the flyer.
- Yeah.

He just missed it.

How come I didn't know
about this?

Well, I guess because I don't
love the lecture so much.

I don't lecture. I inform.
I guide. I instruct.

You bore.
You bully. You blah.

Oh, I need to show you
earring options.

Did you go in
my jewelry box again?

Actually, never mind.

You know, Burke, sometimes
I think you intentionally

withhold information from me
just to piss me off.

I do not do it
to piss you off.

I do it to make me laugh.

Oh, you look
so cute in that.

( Theme music playing )

♪ I guess you're stuck ♪
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♪ with me. ♪
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So you're really okay
with Lennox

- going to this All-night party.
- Yes, I am.

And you're aware that you've just
given her a blank check to go have sex?

is that what I've done?

It doesn't say anything
about that on the flyer.

It doesn't?
Are you sure? Let me--

I could have sworn I saw
that somewhere.

Look at that, see?
You just missed it.

It's hard to believe Lennox
doesn't want you in her social life.

I just want to make sure
somebody's on top of this.

Yeah well, don't worry. She and I
talk about this stuff all the time.

Really? You talk to her
about having...

That?

Yes we do because teenagers
have sex.

Sex sex sex sex
sex sex sex!

Are you done?

Sex!
Done now.

Anyway, I know that Lennox
is not ready for that.

- Really? How do you know that?
- She told me.

Oh, she told you.

Oh well, I feel
so much better now.

Come on, Mel, when you were her age
did you ever lie to your mother?

Oh yeah.
Yeah, but only when we talked.

Look, I am not
Lennox's mother.

She and I are really close.
I trust her.

There's someone else in the equation.
The guy taking her to the dance.

- I don't know if I trust him.
- You know nothing about him.

I know he's a teenage boy.
In my mind, that's enough to convict.

All right, his name
is Brendan Flynn.

She's told me all about him.
They've been going out

for four weeks now
and believe me, he's not a bad boy.

After years of training,
I finally developed badboydar.

it's my superpower.

What do they flash up
in the sky for that?

It doesn't stop crime
but it comes in very handy

when there's a teenage girl
in the house.

Hey, guys. We're going up to my
bedroom with Holly and Charlotte.

Hey, if you guys are gonna make
a lot of noise up there, shut the door.

Got it.

Burke, you just let a teenage boy
go upstairs with two girls!

- It's Ryder.
- Oh yeah, you're right.

Oh, excuse me, Charlotte.

I think my boyfriend wants
to sit next to me.

Oh sure, Holly.

How about if I just
sit in the middle...

of the seat
you assigned me?

Each study group will
make a presentation

on the significance of the title
of their assigned novel.

I already googled about
"Human Bondage."

Not a lot of stuff
about the book.

The title says it all.

Phillip is held prisoner,
a kind of bondage,

by his love for Mildred.

I don't know why he stays with her.
She's so cruel.

Yeah, you wonder
what the poor guy--

Oh, he's a wuss.

Mildred is just trying to
help him shape up, be a man.

- Isn't that correct, Ryder?
- I disagree.

Excuse me?

I just think Mildred is unredeemable
for the way that she abuses Phillip.

Charlotte, would you be a dear and
get us all something to drink?

- Thank you so much.
- Oh, okay.

You know, I think Charlotte is a
great addition to our study group.

Yeah, it's too bad we're
gonna have to let her go.

What?

Did you see the way
she attacked me?

How are we gonna explain
to her that she's out?

Just break it to her gently.

You know, like when you pull off a
band-aid slowly so it doesn't hurt.

I think that
makes it hurt more.

Does it?

Hey, Brendan, you gonna
stay for dinner?

- You want me to put a plate out for you?
- Wish I could, miss Burke.

But my mom has to work late so I need
to cook dinner for my little brothers.

Well, aren't you
responsible?

Be nice if some people in this house
started doing more things for themselves.

Joe, I want dinner!

Where the hell
is that guy?

Well, I'll see you
tomorrow night.

And try not to look
too beautiful.

- It's not fair to the other girls.
- Oh, shut up.

- Hello.
- ( Gasps )

And we're off
to a good start.

Sit.

You're Brendan, right?

Yes sir.
You must be Joe.

Yes I must,
at all times.

You know, somebody was
calling you about dinner.

Yeah, that's not really
your concern, son.

So you're the guy taking
Lennox to this dance, huh?

So what kind of dance do you like?
You like fast dance, slow dance, what?

- Um, fast dance, sir.
- It's a good answer.

Why don't you show me
a few moves?

- Wait, really?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Up up up up.
Let's go, come on.

Um...

You can sit back down now.
Thank you.

Look, I just want to make sure
that after this all-night party

Lennox is returned to this house in
the same condition that she left.

- Got it?
- Yes sir. I think so.

No no no.
You don't think, all right?

You just do.
Or in this case,

you don't do.
Are we clear?

- Very clear.
- Good.

Now look...

I'm gonna punch you in the face twice.
You ready?

Okay.

I'm just kidding.
I'm not gonna punch you in the face.

Well, I may punch you in the face, but
why don't you just go home, okay?

You should be over there at the meeting.
They need you.

Look, I got the city controller
and the transit leader

in the same room together
with no sharp objects

and a doughnut sampler.
It'll be fine.

We're four hours away from a strike deadline.
Things are getting critical.

This is criticaller.
Lennox needs lipstick.

The semiformal is in a couple of
hours and she's counting on me

to bring home the right shade.
And if I mess this up

she'll never let me run
errands for her again.

Fine, what are we
looking for?

She said she wants
the color of bubblegum.

Gross, but actually helpful.

Crisis averted. So tell me about
the guy she's going with.

Oh, Brendan's a sweetheart.
He's got brown hair.

You know, nerdy cute.
Very responsible.

In fact he looks a lot
like that boy over there.

Wait, actually
that is him.

- The one buying condoms?
- Uh-huh.

He is responsible.

Lennox, I need to talk
to you right away!

Nothing important!

Lennox is not here, Mel.
She had to run out

for some last minute
dance-related emergency.

And then I sort of tuned
her out-- self-preservation

Well, I got her the lipstick
she asked for.

And while I was at the drugstore,
funniest thing in the world--

well, you know, not funny
ha-ha, but funny weird--

I saw a teenage boy
buying condoms.

What's funny about that?

Uh, the funny part
is that is was Brendan.

( Laughs )

( Laughs )
That is funny.

He's a dead man.

I mean boys buy condoms
all the time, right?

'Cause they think they're gonna get
lucky, but I know Lennox and--

and-- and I know Lennox.

And clearly Brendan wants
to get to know Lennox too.

- Do you always have to go there?
- I'm a guy.

I don't have to go anywhere.
That's where we live.

- So you're not worried about this at all?
- No, not at all.

Not at all after the talks
I've had with Lennox.

I mean, if she was planning on doing
something tonight she would have told me.

Did she by any chance
mention where she was going?

- ( Phone beeps )
- Oh, a text from Lennox

telling me
what she's doing.

"Back soon. At the salon.
Getting waxed."

Okay, so let's just recap,
shall we?

The boy is out
buying condoms

and the girl just finished
getting waxed.

Sure you're not
worried about this?

When you put them in the same sentence,
of course it sounds suspicious.

- How else can you put it?
- It could mean all kinds of things.

This thing you're
doing right now,

is this partial denial
or is it just total denial?

Total. When I make
a choice I am all in.

Joe, what do we do?

I don't know.
Why are you asking me?

I'm not the one who had all these
deep amazing conversations

with Lennox about boys and girls
and, you know, all-night parties.

Look, there may have
been some things

that I didn't cover
in my talks with Lennox.

When I was in high school
at my first all-night party

I had s-e-x.

Did you mention that
to Lennox?

No, I didn't think I had to because,
you know, Brendan seemed so sweet.

Of course he seemed sweet.
I was sweet at that age.

That's what we're supposed to do,
be sweet when we meet the parents.

So you think
he's pressuring her?

Let's see,
a hormonal teenage boy

with a pocketful
of condoms...

Nah, you know,
probably not.

The dance is in an hour.

I've got to talk to Lennox.

Okay, I'm just gonna have
to organize my thoughts,

you know,
clearly and concisely.

And so you're having
a glass of wine?

Wine organizes me.

Mm, hey, honey.
You're home.

I'm running late, Aunt Mel.
I've got to get ready.

No no no, let's talk.

Did I ever tell you about
my first all-night party?

I'd love to hear it,
but I don't have all night.

I only bring it up because,
well, you know,

at these kinds of events
things happen

with boys and girls

and certain pressures.

Oh, I got it.

See, look at us
communicating.

Keeping it real.

Somebody will bring alcohol.

"Hey, let's go for a ride."

Don't worry.
I'm not going to drink

and my friends and I
are taking the bus.

That's good. That's good.
But, well okay.

- Brendan seems like a sweet guy.
- Oh, he is.

- ( Doorbell rings )
- Damn! All right.

You know what? Just stay here.
More to say.

Mel, guess who wanted
to come over?

- Dale, Phil.
- Burke. Nice place.

This looks like
a no-shoe house.

No no no no.
Please leave them on.

Um, so what brings
the city controller

and union boss
to my house so uninvitedly?

Please tell me it's
just to use the bathroom.

You don't let me
use the bathroom.

The negotiations broke down

and the only person
they'll talk to is you.

Oh man,
bad timing.

- Aunt Mel, I've got to get dressed.
- Don't leave yet.

You can stop the strike, Mel.
You can be a hero.

You could come out of this
with a dog park named after you.

All right. Boys, let's take
this into the kitchen.

Better get more than
a dog park out of this.

I think that's why the author
has Mildred die in the end,

so Phillip can find
true love.

Oh, you're right.
That's great.

I don't know if you should write that down.
What if Holly sees that?

She'll know we're working
together, won't she?

No, it's okay. I'll tell her
I came up with it on my own.

I've got this whole thing
with Holly under control.

( Gasps )
Oh my God, Ryder!

Are you two studying?

No no.

No, we were making out.

Yeah, with our tongues
and everything.

You were not.
These books are warm.

And are those notes?

Charlotte, I'd like to speak
to my boyfriend in private.

No.

No, Holly, I'd like to
speak with you in private.

What has gotten into you?

English literature
has gotten into me.

I thought we both
agreed she was out.

No, one of us agreed.

Charlotte is really
good at English

and she can help both
of us on this presentation.

And if you weren't so
stubborn, you'd realize that.

Are you
standing up to me?

Yes, Mildred--
Holly, I am.

Well, fine.

I suppose your grades
could be better.

Oh my God,
she bought it.

What do you think?

It's a semiformal dance
so formal...

Semi.

Wow.

You look beautiful.

I don't know if you need to
look that beautiful though.

I mean, can't you put on a poncho or
a housecoat over that or something?

- See you in the morning.
- Wait a minute.

I think your Aunt Mel wanted
to talk to you before you left.

- We talked already.
- You did?

Yeah yeah, "Lennox,
did I ever tell you

about my first
all-night party?

"Boys and girls, resist
pressure, blah blah blah."

- She covered all the bases.
- Oh, okay.

Good then.
Well, have a great--

semi great time tonight.

Not too memorable.

Okay, so we maintain pensions at
last years' levels but no rollbacks.

And it's a joint press
conference so nobody caved.

It's win-win.
Are we agreed?

- Yes.
- Okay.

All right, then if there
aren't any other issues...

I wouldn't mind that
last piece of lasagna.

I called that!

You serious?
I'm sitting right here.

All right, guys.
Let's say you do this together.

Dale, you cut it in half.
Phil, you pick your piece.

You're amazing.
You're the king Solomon of pasta.

Stephanie, think you
can handle the rest of this?

You can count on me.
I've dealt with these types before.

No, I just meant
run the dishwasher.

There's like a million
buttons on that thing.

I'm stomping out fires left and right.
Next up-- Lennox!

She already left
for the dance, Mel.

What? But we didn't get
to finish our talk.

Yeah you did.
She said you went on forever.

It sounded like you.

I did not.
I barely got started.

Wait a minute. So you didn't say
anything to her about Brendan

and his little pocketful
of fun?

No, and now it's too late.

You know, I can't go to the dance
or the party and embarrass her.

That's something a mom would do.
She'd hate me forever.

Yeah, well, you know
we can't have that.

- I'll go.
- Whoa whoa, Joe.

- What are you planning to do?
- I don't know.

Take him shoe shopping.
What do you think?

Joe, come here.
Sit down.

All right, when you tell a
teenager not to do something

she does the opposite,
often on her parents' bed.

And then again
in the pool house.

I'm just guessing.

Is that your plan?
Just sit here and do nothing then?

No. Sit here and do nothing
until we think of something.

Where's my glass?

( Music playing )

Hey, psst.

Is this Tara Glazer's house?
Is that the all-night party?

- Are you the cops?
- No, I'm not the cops.

Yeah, that's the house.

Cops are bound by wimpy
anti-torture laws.

And now we wait.

You know what everyone
in there is saying?

"Your nanny is outside.
Did he bring your binky?"

- Joe, what are you doing here?
- Nothing.

Just making sure that Brendan
knows that I'm out here.

You know,
an arm's length away.

Or in his case, maybe a
broken arm's length away.

What do you think
is going on here?

Look, earlier this afternoon
several eyewitnesses

saw Brendan in the drugstore
making an adult purchase.

Boy: Hey, Lennox,
is it naptime?

Can we talk about
this in the car?

Yeah, that's why
I brought it.

You obviously
have more to say,

so let's hear the big long speech
so we can get on with our lives.

Okay, don't have sex.

You gonna get
to the point?

I'm just trying to look out
for you here, okay?

And I don't think
that Brendan is.

You see, us guys,

we just go, like, on impulse.
You know, we just get a thought,

we plow right through without
even thinking about things.

You mean like you
showing up here?

I'm a grown-up.
I don't need to think.

Joe, why are you
doing this?

Because I'm concerned
and a little worried.

About what?
Nothing was gonna happen tonight.

- How do you know?
- Because I decided.

It's not about what Brendan
wants; It's about what I want.

Girls have that power,
you know.

Wow. I mean, I always
knew that they did.

I just didn't realize
that you knew that.

Although I'm happy
to hear that you do.

Look, Brendan's a nice kid,
but, you know, he's a boy.

- He can be managed.
- Managed?

- I like that.
- ( Laughs )

You know, your aunt probably would have done
a lot better job at this than I'm doing.

In fact, she would kill me if
she knew I was here right now.

She just doesn't want
you to hate her.

So it's better
if I hate you?

Better for everybody,
yeah.

Go enjoy the rest
of your night.

What was that for?

The lecture.

My dad's not around
to annoy me with that stuff.

I'm happy to.

By the way,
you look fantastic.

Thanks.
I got my eyebrows waxed.

Eyebrows!
Of course.

Thank God.

Oh, that was awesome.

I was right about
Lennox all along.

You know, open and honest is
really the way to go with kids.

Yeah, says the woman hiding underneath
the blanket from her niece.

The only reason I came along was
to make sure you didn't go nuts.

Quick, she's coming back!

- Hey, Joe.
- Yeah?

I just want you to tell Aunt Mel
that my outfit was a huge hit

and she did a great job
with the lipstick.

- You know, if you see her.
- I'll tell her.

Night.
Be safe.

We're all clear.

- Does she know?
- I don't know.

I think she did.

I mean, "if you see Aunt Mel"?
What does that mean?

Get down,
she's coming back!

Psych.

You're so easy.

Mel:
Get me home.

Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

Do we have any aspirin

or morphine or something?

My back is killing me from being all
scrunched up hiding in the back seat.

I thought a woman
of your life experience

would be used to the rigors
of backseat gymnastics.

Yeah, well,
it's been a while.

And now they have
those cup holders.

Here you go-- another problem solved
with American pharmaceuticals.

Is Ryder here?

Hey, Holly.
'Sup?

I baked you a loaf
of banana bread.

There's no nuts
in it, is there?

No, it's just
the way you like it.

Great, I'll put it next to the
muffins that Charlotte made me.

- She did what?
- Talk to you later, Holly.

- I got some stuff.
- No, but you--

Dude, I made those muffins.

Yeah, I know.

- Our boy is growing up.
- Yeah.

It'll be a long time before he
has girls up in his room again.

- Oh, damn straight.
- Yeah.

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