All language subtitles for Melissa and Joey s01e20 Waiting For Mr. Right.eng

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

And three,

two, one...

There they are.

Oh, well, thanks for waiting
up for us, grandma.

- Hi, Joe.
- Fletcher.

It is 11:00
on the dot.

The last three times you guys
walked through that door,

it's been exactly 11:00.
You're like a cuckoo clock.

Well, he's very reliable.
He's very punctual.

I know how reliability
gets you all hot and bothered,

so I'll leave you two
punctual kids alone.

I had a really nice time tonight.
It was a good restaurant, right?

Yeah, it was a great restaurant,
good bottle of wine.

If my mother had shown up sober
to say she was proud of me,

it would have been
off the charts.

I'm sorry, you were waiting
for your mother tonight?

No no no, it was just
a little joke.

Ah.
Oh, I get it now.

- Sometimes it takes me a little--
- I know.

So can I call you
tomorrow?

Sure, you can.

- Is 4:00 okay?
- Surprise me.

Okay, sometime between
4:00 and 4:30.

Ooh, the suspense.

So three dates in a row
with the same guy, huh?

Has Fletcher finally cracked
the Mel Burke code?

Well, he keeps asking me out
and I keep saying yes.

I mean, a girl's
got to eat.

That is
so incredibly romantic.

So you gonna
cut him loose soon

or squeeze a few more
fancy meals out of him first?

Oh, believe me,
I'm not squeezing anything.

He's not-- I--
I don't know.

I just don't think this thing
has any legs, you know?

He's a perfectly
nice guy.

Words that have never
preceded sex.

The problem
with him is...

I don't know what
the problem with him is.

You find something wrong with
every guy that you go out with.

- Not true.
- Of course it is.

Charlie stared at you
too romantically, right?

It made you all nauseous.

And then there was Jonathan
with those massages.

Yeah, well, his hands
were cold and slimy.

I mean, it was like when I
touched the eel at the aquarium,

but at least the eel
had a little electricity.

And then there was that other
guy you went out with.

- What was his name again?
- Sasha.

Yeah, Sasha.
What was wrong with him?

Uh, his name was Sasha.

All right, fine,
I'll give you that one.

I tell you, you really do find
the flaws in everyone though.

I'm glad you're not going out with me.
God knows what you'd find wrong.

Oh, do you want the full list, the
top 10, or just the bullet points?

- You have a list?
- Do I have a list?

All right, let's see. For starters,
your arms-- yeah, they're way too big.

And, oh, you always have
an answer for everything.

- That's only because--
- Eh eh eh eh eh.

You don't have to swagger
into every woman's life

with your tool belt and
hammer away at her problem.

First of all,
I don't hammer away; I fix.

- Oh, what if we don't need fixing?
- Ah, wouldn't that be great?

Oh oh oh oh!

There it goes.
Adios, Fletcher.

Well, I just don't think--

Look, he's not the future
Mr. Mel Burke.

And there's your problem.

- ♪ It's all good ♪
- ♪ All good ♪

- ♪ it's okay ♪
- ♪ Okay ♪

- ♪ it's all right ♪
- ♪ All right ♪

♪ as far as I can see ♪

- ♪ it's all good ♪
- ♪ All good ♪

- ♪ it's okay ♪
- ♪ Okay ♪

- ♪ it's all right ♪
- ♪ All right ♪

♪ I guess you're stuck ♪
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com

♪ with me. ♪
Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com

Sync by Alice | www.addic7ed.com

So do you have a crush
on Kirsten Cullen?

- What? No.
- But you like her.

I don't know.
I mean, I stare at her a lot

and I think about her
at night and all other times.

But, look, it doesn't matter
because she doesn't know I exist.

Ah, the power
of loser thinking.

Listen, Kirsten only hangs out with
hipsters, and that's so not you.

I'm cool inside.

No you're not.
You're socially invisible.

I mean, look at you.
Why do you wear these things?

They're in my drawer.

They're in your drawer because even
the clothes know they're not cool

and they're trying
to hide.

Oh my God, you need so much help.
Come on, let's fix you.

I'm not that bad.

Okay, the first step is
admitting you have a problem.

- But I'm--
- Admit it.

Fine. My name is Ryder
and I'm not hip.

Help me, please.

Okay, first lesson--
hipsters don't say "hip."

Aunt Mel, look at you.

I'm turning the knob to "sizzling"
and going out with my girls.

Wow, Burke, all this
for a man you're about to dump.

It's kind of cruel.

Okay, this is not
for Fletcher,

whose flaw I figured out,
by the way.

- He just doesn't get you?
- Yeah.

- It's like when I say something--
- He never volleys back.

- Yeah, I have to wait forever.
- Then he just leaves you hanging.

- Like meat on a hook.
- By the way, tri-tip tomorrow night.

Then where are you going
looking all like this?

Some of my college girlfriends
threw together

a last-minute "Sex and
the City of Toledo" night.

So I'm going
to get my Cosmo on.

- Well, don't drink too much.
- Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

( Techno music playing )

All right, so the meeting of the
Foxy Five will now come to order

and I will read the minutes
from the last meeting.

"Whoo-hoo."

- I move the minutes are approved.
- I second.

All:
Whoo-hoo!

All right, so updates
all around the table.

- Kelly?
- Mr. Jameson just got a huge promotion

so Mrs. Jameson
gets a new kitchen.

Oh, that you'll
never go into.

Alright,
You're up, Lauren.

Ted and I are almost done
planning the wedding--

berkshires, snow,
tons of alcohol,

and the cutest ski hats with our wedding
date embroidered on the pompom.

You all
better be there.

Can we wear the peach taffeta bridesmaids'
dresses from Kelly's wedding?

Oh, it'd be a shame not
to see those again.

Some of us won't
fit in them anymore.

You're knocked up again?
Sorry, blessed with child?

I'm not drinking the ginger ale
'cause I like it.

All
whoo!

Well, Jackie,
you're awfully quiet.

Uh, 'cause I got nothing.
Same old, same old.

You and me both, sister.
Here's to the same old.

Oh, you know what?
Wait, there is one thing.

- Bling!
- Friends: Oh my God!

( Flatly )
Oh yay.

Hallelujah. The last of the
foxy five to get married.

Hey hello?
What about me?

Oh my God, that's right,
you're still not married.

You're kind of married.
You're Toledo's wife.

No no, I am to Toledo what
Carrie Bradshaw was to New York--

We're lovers.

- To Jackie and Steve.
- Steve? The chiropractor?

Mr. "not worth waxing for"?

I know it sounds
like I settled.

It's okay. Passable--
it's the new perfect.

Come on, we are on
the wrong side of 30.

I just sort of felt
it was time to get real.

I mean, the music stopped and I
just sat down at the nearest chair.

Good for you.
And while you're all off

being married and popping out
adorable kids that will

one day give you the finger--
trust me, I've seen it--

I will be
your cool single friend.

And you'll all be wildly jealous of
my freedom and lack of stretch marks.

So let's drink to that.

Whoo-hoo!

Anybody?

I'm home.

Oh good. Hey, here are the
latest roses from Fletcher...

And a trash can
at the ready.

Ha ha ha.
Very funny.

- These are beautiful.
- Yeah. So dump 'em?

Actually no,
I want to keep 'em.

I'm sorry, did you hear?
I said that they're from Fletcher.

Yeah, I heard you.
Blonde not deaf.

We're still talking about
Fletcher McKay here, right?

Laugh-a-minute Fletcher?

Yeah, look, Joe, I was thinking
a lot about what you said,

you know, about me pushing
men away and finding flaws.

And yeah,
I think you're right.

You know, nobody's perfect and I
think I'm gonna give Fletcher a try.

Because sooner or later, the music
stops and you gotta sit down.

This music you're talking about,
does anybody else hear it?

Is it like a polka?

Hey, where the heck is Ryder?
I called him 10 minutes ago.

It's his turn
to set the table tonight.

He's coming,
he's coming.

Sorry, Joe, I'm so hip
I can't feel my legs.

Wow, those are some--
some tight pants, bro.

Are all your parts okay?

I don't know.
I can't feel those either.

You'd better get used to those pants if
you're wearing them to school tomorrow.

- Isn't there another way?
- Yeah, why don't you just wear something

from your invisible loser
collection and see how that goes?

You look good.
Suck it up.

Believe me, everything
possible is sucked up.

- So who's the girl?
- How do you know there's a girl?

There's got to be a girl.
Nobody's gonna

squash his grapes
for the guys.

C'mon, let's walk you around
the block and get you used to it.

- I can't do it.
- Think of Kirsten.

Kirsten, Kirsten,
Kirsten.

It's not working.

- Hello.
- Hey.

Wow, nice jeans.
I have the same ones.

I'll bet
in the same size.

Can I help you
with something?

- I'm waiting for Mel.
- Oh.

She'll be down in a minute.
Something about her shoes,

and then I stopped listening.

Beautiful flowers.

What are they doing back here?
They should be on display.

Ooh, I was right.
They're from Fletcher.

Boy, back from the dead, huh?
Who saw that coming?

- Yeah, what happened there?
- Who says something happened?

Things get raised
from the dead all the time.

Stephanie, a couple of days ago
she was about ready to dump him.

Now she's sniffing
his flowers.

Between those two points in time
is something that you know.

Uh um, I'm gonna go
help Mel with her shoes.

- Coming, Mel.
- Stephanie.

Um, are you doing something
different with your hair?

Uh, maybe I washed it.

It's-- it's this shampoo.
It's got...

Essence of coconut in it.
It's really just not fair.

All the foxy five are
coupled up except for Mel

and she's totally wigging out. She
doesn't want to be the only single foxy.

I'm so weak.

Do you have
any orange juice?

Sorry I had to do
that to you, Steph.

Don't be. Being sniffed by you
is the highlight of my week.

What do you say
to lunch?

Well hello, lunch.
How you doin'?

I'm sorry.
Backspace backspace.

I'd be delighted
to have lunch.

Oh, but before we go,
look what I got for us--

Tickets to see Ricky Gervais
live Friday night,

the Toledo opera house,
the founder's box.

We'll be like those old men
in "The Muppets."

Ricky Gervais, yeah,
he's that guy from the--

and he was in that-- wait,
who's Ricky Gervais again?

He's the funny comedian.

And I'd love to go
but I'm driving to Chicago

for my parents' 40th
wedding anniversary.

- Rain check?
- Yeah.

I mean, who needs to see
the funniest guy on the planet?

It's not like he's the
funniest guy in the universe.

Because, you know,
those comedy clubs on Mars,

you can hear the laughs
on Jupiter.

I love how you talk.

I have no idea what you're
saying, but I enjoy your melody.

Maybe that's what Mel is short for.
Get it?

Ah.

I'm so much funnier
around you.

Really?

Um, you know, Chicago--

that's a long trip to take
all by yourself.

Maybe you need someone
to come with you, you know?

Someone to keep you company;
Someone cute and fun

who makes you laugh.

- Me, Fletcher. Me.
- Oh good.

I thought you were talking about
that Ricky Gervais guy again.

Really?
You'd come with me?

Well, now that you ask, yeah.
Yeah I would.

Oh, this is amazing.

Wow, this is kind of
a big step for us.

You meeting my entire family
in one fell swoop?

Yeah well, I am ready
for that swoop.

You sure it's not
too much too soon?

No.
No, it's good.

Yeah, I have no second
thoughts at all-- at all!

Ryder, Lennox,
school right now!

- Oh hey, good morning.
- Actually fantastic morning.

Would you be okay with watching
the kids for the weekend?

I was thinking about
going away on a trip.

I have a date planned
somewhere in there.

But yeah, sure. Why not?
I guess leaving the kids

home alone for a few hours
unattended will be okay.

So yeah,
run like the wind.

You and the ladies
have a foxy weekend.

Oh, I'm not going
with the foxies.

No, this is a going-away-
with-Fletcher weekend

to Chicago for his parents' 40th
anniversary wingding-thing.

Wow, the whole family?
That sounds serious.

It's not that serious.

I mean, judging from Fletcher
and the history of genetics,

that sounds serious--

As in, you know,
not a lot of laughs.

No, he's getting
funnier, okay?

The other day
he made sort of a joke.

It was actually
kind of sweet.

He said my name, Mel, and that it
was probably short for melody.

( Sarcastically )
That is hilarious.

So seriously, what the heck
is going on here?

What do you mean,
what the heck's going on here?

I know you hate when I say things
about your personal life--

Yeah, but you say them anyway.

Because they're valuable
and at the end of the day

- you appreciate them.
- Oh, is that what you tell yourself?

Sorry we're late.
Sorry sorry sorry.

Uh, for a girl?

Yeah, for a girl.

Joe, shouldn't we be
getting to school?

What are you, the vice principal?
We'll leave when we leave.

- But you said--
- Two minutes.

Okay.

Hey, Ryder, you need
any money for lunch?

No, nothing could
fit in my pockets.

Hey, I'm not done
with you.

I didn't think
you were.

You are pretending to like
Fletcher but you don't, okay?

There, I said it. We were both thinking
it, but now it's out in the open.

Nobody was thinking it.
And I am not pretending to like Fletcher.

- Yes you are.
- No I'm not.

He's a wonderful guy whose charms
I did not fully appreciate at first--

Oh, come on,
that is such bull.

All your college friends are
either married or getting married

and now you're up there
all alone.

There's one last marriage
helicopter and it's circling

and all of a sudden some boring
guy reaches out and he goes...

"Come on, you're not getting any younger.
Just give me your hand."

Oh, so being single is
like the fall of Saigon?

According to the foxy ladies.

How do you even know what
we talked about anyway?

I have my sources.

Okay, so you said five or six nice
things to Stephanie and she spilled.

Only took two.

Look, you are settling
and you know it.

I am not settling, okay?

I am reconsidering
based on current options.

- Settling.
- Am not.

- Are too.
- No I'm not.

- I'm going with Fletcher.
- Have a nice weekend.

Fine, I will.
Oh, and here.

Two tickets
to Ricky Gervais.

Oh, the funniest guy
on the planet.

Yeah, I know.
Enjoy.

Are we going
to school?

Will you get a life?

Well, I am all ready for our
big weekend with your parents.

What weekend?

Huh huh?
Had you going there.

- I'm on a roll, right?
- Yeah, you are a pistol.

All right, so just don't do that again,
'cause you might hurt yourself.

Okay.

All right, so I will
see you Sunday.

- Have a good time.
- Thanks.

So...

Bye.

Bye.

All right,
let's hit the road, Jack.

- I'm Fletcher.
- Yeah, I know, honey.

( Knocking )

Kirsten.
Come in, come in.

So your brother
left these in class today.

Actually he dropped them
and ran when I said hi.

But, you know, I figured Ryder might
need them for homework. Okay?

Wait. You know
my brother's name?

Yeah. We share a table
in earth science.

We actually made
a fake fossil together.

Oh, yeah, he sleeps with that thing.
I mean--

He keeps it
on his nightstand.

So is he okay?

I mean, he's been acting
so strange this week

- and dressing so--
- Weird?

- Yeah.
- Listen, about Ryder--

would you ever consider,
you know, hanging out?

Sure, if he just dropped
this thing he's doing,

you know, with the clothes.
He's having some trouble walking.

I think he has, like,
a hip injury.

Hey, Lennox--
oh my God.

You're here in my house
and I'm--

I'm gonna go change
into my real clothes.

Stop.

Go back to loser.
She likes it.

Really?
So no more skinny jeans?

Nope.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Problem solved.

It's like watching
puppies.

Denise, hey, it's Joe.

Yeah, I was just calling to make sure
that we're still on for 8:00 tonight.

Yeah. All right, perfect.
I'll see you then.

Oh, and guess what?
I got us two tickets to see Ricky Gervais.

Huh?

Gervais.

He-- he's a comedian.

Yeah, I'm sure, Denise.

Mm-hmm.

Okay. All right, well,

yeah okay, then I'll
be there at 8:00.

All right.
Google him, all right?

Bye-bye.

I think she's related
to Fletcher.

Kirsten's out there.

Long story short,
I'm making them popcorn.

Freshmen are so cute
and random.

( Phone rings )

Longo.

Hey, Mel.

I didn't expect
to hear from you.

What?

Yes.

I'm on my way.

Uh, I'll be
right back, okay?

So make sure you finish your chemistry
homework and don't burn the place down.

And if you think of something
wild and crazy to do,

just don't do it.

( Bus horn blows )

Mel? He left you in a rest
stop in the middle of nowhere?

What kind of a guy leaves
a woman in a place like this?

Joe, calm down, okay? Thank you
for coming, but you don't have to--

No, I want to wring his little
scrawny lawyer neck out.

- How could a guy do this to you?
- Joe, I did this to me.

You-- wait a minute.
Is this one of those moments

where I'm getting a little hot-headed
and homicidal for no reason?

Yep.

So how did we
end up in...

In that guy's
living room?

Well, were about
an hour into the trip

and I just imagined me
and Fletcher 10 years from now

in the same car with
three kids in the back seat

- and I just--
- Panicked?

Yeah, what's a stronger
word than that?

Uh, mentally hurled?
Yeah.

I mean, that's two words,
but you get the idea.

We stopped for gas and
Fletcher went inside to pay

and I just--
I jumped out of the car.

I left my cell phone and my bags
and I just started walking--

Okay, running.

Wow. I'm sorry.
I mean, he seemed like he was okay.

He was.
He was massively okay.

And together we were
perfectly okay.

I just want
more than okay, you know?

- Hey.
- Fletcher.

I've been driving all around
looking for you.

That's so sweet.

- Are you all right?
- Yeah.

Fletcher,
I owe you an apology.

I shouldn't have run off like
that, but I just had to because--

It's all right, as long
as you're safe and all.

- I guess it just wasn't the right--
- Timing?

Yeah, the right timing.

Well...

I guess I should
get back on the road.

Sure.
Thanks for bringing my bags.

Hey, Joe?

- Take care of her.
- You got it.

Well, I'm sorry the weekend
didn't pan out as planned.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry
you missed your date.

That's okay.
She was kind of--

it's fine.

Yeah, but what really sucks is
we both missed Ricky Gervais.

I bet if we haul our ass back to town, we
could catch the last half hour of the show.

- Yeah, but I'm starving.
- Me too.

I got an idea.

Why don't we do a quick dinner and
then we can see the rest of the show?

All right? 'Cause I know this
restaurant nearby here that is awesome.

Oh, I don't really like
anything in there.

Oh, come on.
They got egg salad.

All right, fine, egg salad.
I mean, for a sandwich I can settle.

Hey.

What is this thing, jammed?
Come on.

Yo!

- What-- what are you--
- Come on, Longo, move it.

Wait wait wait, wait a minute.
Uh, here.

- Boy scout.
- Come on, go go go go!

How could I have known
he was already married?

Like-- like was married and got
divorced already, married?

No, like married with
another wife, married.

- Ooh. More wine?
- Yeah.

Hello, ladies. I'm gonna run to the store.
You need anything?

More wine--
lots more wine.

Oh, who's this?

- Oh, nobody-- Joe.
- Hey.

- Hi.
- Hi. I'm Jackie.

'Sup?

Oh, Jackie.
You're the one that just got engaged.

How's your fiance?

Already married.

Yeah, but I'm cool.

You want me to come
to the store with you?

- Uh...
- No no no, sweetie, you stay here, okay?

You go-- run.
Run for your life.

You'd kill him, sweetie.

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www.addic7ed.com

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