All language subtitles for Game.Night.2018.1080p.WEB-DL.H264.AC3-EVO (1)

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Who cares about
winning? Let's get drunk!

Now we're going
into the lightning round.

Let's do it.

So from now on, you'll
be shouting out your answers.

Get you drunk, Merkins.
You too, Borgs.

I'm thirsty. Huh?

I need four shots of vodka,
four shots of water.

I want you to send the vodka
over to the Merkins'.

Send the water to us.
You understand?

What former
Supreme Court Justice...

- Oliver Wendell Holmes!
- Correct.

Yes!

Again, I'd like to ask
the players to allow me to...

To finish the question.

Very funny.

Okay, okay.
This is getting embarrassing.

So we need to focus.

'Cause this isn't a game.

It literally is.

Bill, do not test me
right now.

Looks like we're
down to two teams.

So for double points,

what is the name
of the purple Teletubby?

- Tinky Winky!
- You're both correct.

He always carried a...

- Red purse.
- Yeah.

- And he loved big hugs.
- Big hugs.

I know. I'm Max.

Annie.

Ha-ha! You're never
gonna be able to

hold on to Asia! You hear me?

Hey, if you take Kamchatka,
and I take Mongolia,

we could trap Linda
in the middle.

- Starve out her armies.
- Hey!

You can't form alliances.

Worked for Hitler, right? Hmm?

You're high-fiving Hitler?

All right,
you got this. Last one.

Oh, that's Twilight Saga:
Breaking Dawn.

Yes!

I'm up, I feel good.

Two words.

Bill. Overweight.

- No.
- Single. Out of work.

What the fuck?

Hairy.

Carry, marry.

Marry!

You. Me.

Marry me?

Dude, we got it! We got it!

Annie, will you?

Will you marry me?

- Is that a yes? That's a yes!
- Yeah!

I'm really happy for you guys.

- Lot of pressure here.
- Yeah.

You miss,
you lose it all.

Stay outta my head.

And you know you have
a distinct advantage

with the smaller hands, right?

Your goal posts
are not as big.

Well, I guess you
should've married Uma Thurman.

Yeah, that would've
been great.

There's a snap,

here's the hold.

- Ooh!
- And a text.

That was interference.

Sorry, honey. I know
how much that meant to you.

- Come on.
- Dr. Chin is ready for you.

Uh, great.

I think we've determined
why you've been

having trouble conceiving.

- Okay. Let's have it.
- Okay, great.

Oh, what's that look? Is it me?
Of course it's me.

I'm not loving your semen.

- Oh?
- Your count is excellent,

but your motility
is well below normal.

- That's too bad.
- What would cause that?

It can be genetic,
environmental factors.

Nine times out of 10, though,
it's psychological.

Have you been feeling
anxious or stressed?

No, I don't think so.
Not really.

Uh...
He's always a little stressed.

You don't have to write...
I'm not...

Honey, she's writing it down.

Well, Max is very competitive.

As am I.

We sure are.

One of the reasons
I fell in love with him.

Maybe that makes him
a little more prone

to stress than normal people.

"Normal people"?

How long has this
been going on, Max?

It's not going on.

Oh, well, you did say
even when you were a kid,

you would freak out
if you lost at anything.

Oh, I was a kid.

Especially if you lost
to your brother.

Hmm.

Hey, is that what this is?

No.

You have been so uptight

since you found out that
Brooks is coming to town.

I don't think that's true.

- Could that be a factor in all this?
- Let's be fair.

Sibling rivalry
can be very powerful.

Cain and Abel, the Baldwins.

- The what?
- The brothers.

I'm not sure
why we're discussing this.

She's not a therapist.

You're not a therapist, right?
With all respect.

- No, but I am a doctor.
- Sure.

And I believe in treating
the whole patient.

So, what is it
about your brother

that makes you
feel emasculated?

Are we gonna do this?

We're right next to the room
where I masturbated.

I think he has it in his head
that Brooks is cooler

and more successful
and hotter than he is.

I never said "hotter."

He's charming.

That's interesting.
And is he single?

What's that?

I don't know
if I mentioned it,

but Keith and I
are on a trial separation.

- Oh.
- Keith?

Uh, Keith.

So, do you think your brother would
wanna grab a cup of coffee with me?

Gosh, I don't know.

Well, it doesn't hurt to ask.

Hurts a little.

Now, is he a tall fella?
'Cause I'm only 5'2".

We're all done with my semen?

He is taller than Max.

Good.

But he did date
this ballerina once,

and she was just
a teeny-tiny little thing.

Ooh.
Honey, Gary.

Don't mention
game night, okay?

Mmm-hmm.

- Good evening, Max.
- Hey, Gary.

- Annie.
- Hello there.

Hi, Gary!

Just checking the mail.

Oh, yeah?

Some people check it
earlier in the day,

but there's always a risk

that the mail carrier
hasn't come yet.

This spares me the chance of
a futile trip to the mailbox.

Uh-huh.

Plus, it allows Bastian here
the opportunity to urinate.

You have a good one.

Any plans for this evening?

No.

Perhaps a game night?

We're just gonna stay in,

- just the two of us.
- Mmm-hmm.

- Boring.
- Mmm.

I see.

I do hope you keep me in mind
for any future game nights.

You bet.

I've always enjoyed the
camaraderie of good friends

competing in games
of chance and skill.

Yeah. Yeah, well,
we'll do that,

but tonight it's just
the two of us.

Three bags of Tostitos Scoops,
I notice.

There was a special
on these tonight.

Three for one.

Three for one?

Yup.

How can that be profitable
for Frito-Lay?

These corporations,

I don't know
what they're doing.

Well, you two
enjoy each other.

It's often we don't appreciate
what we have until it's gone.

- I think that's it.
- Okay.

Bye-bye!

If Gary sees the others
coming, we're screwed.

No, no, honey,
it's not gonna be a problem.

I was very clear with everyone
to park far away

and just to sneak in quietly,
you know.

But now, I mean,

you don't think
we're being dicks, do you?

Should we just
still invite the guy?

He really seemed
like he wanted to play.

No, no.
Debbie was our friend,

and Gary was just
the creepy husband

that we had to put up with.

That's true.

He's only gotten worse
since the divorce.

Yeah, we don't owe him
anything, right? Fuck him!

Hi!

Hi.

Can we help you?

I'm okay.

Hey!

Of course. Ryan, why are you
coming in through the window?

You said sneak in so RoboCop
wouldn't see us.

I meant sneak in
through the door.

Well, you were super vague.

- I wasn't vague at all.
- Wine?

I know I didn't say,
"Break the succulents."

Hey.

I'm not dressed for this nonsense.
This is ridiculous.

It's like Night
of the Living Dead in here.

Yeah, you are asking
a lot from us, Max.

I didn't say to come
through the window.

This is Max.
We used to work together.

His wife, Annie. Michelle,
and that guy's Kevin.

- What's up, buddy?
- The door's right there.

Guys, this is Madison.

Yeah, you brought her
last week.

You work at Forever 21, right?

- No, no.
- I work at Sephora.

- I'm confused.
- Different girl.

Same look, same voice.

Nice to meet you.

You, too.

- That's yours.
- It's...

No. I think you're
supposed to kiss it, right?

Welcome.

Do you guys have a bathroom?

There's one just down
the hall. You need it?

Okay, is it on
the right or the left?

I don't wanna go
in the wrong room.

The one with the toilet.

- Can't miss it.
- Okay.

- Oh, boy.
- Dude!

- Oh. Wow.
- Right?

Where'd you find her?
A TED Talk?

No, at Chipotle.

Let me ask you
something, Ryan.

Aren't you sick of losing
game night every week

because of the dates
you bring?

They're not always that bad.

Heather, seriously.

How many photos of you with
the dog filter do you need?

"Dennis" isn't a word.

Yeah, it is.
It's my daddy's name, so...

These are the elite,
the very best, the...

Oh, oh. White people!

- What?
- Oh, Jesus.

Okay, unlike you psychos,

I don't give a shit
about winning game night.

I don't need that validation.

But you do need the validation
of dating Instagram models?

Absolutely.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry
I'm not like you, Michelle.

We didn't all meet
our soulmate

when we were 10 years old.

Fourteen.

- Oh, sorry.
- Fourteen.

And we didn't get married
until we were 19.

- See, that's gross.
- You know what, Ryan?

I hope one day you get to meet
a lovely, young lady.

So you can love her as much as I
love my sweet baby right here.

Yes, find her.
Look how cute this...

- Hey, look at this.
- So much love.

Let's look at him
when we do it.

- Hey, everybody.
- Find the love!

Grab your drinks.
Let's go play, come on.

Dude, do you know
what rich people

are doing on their game
nights these days?

What's that?

- Fight clubs.
- What?

I just read about 'em.

They pay poor people
to fight each other,

and then they bet
on the winner.

- No, that's not a real thing.
- Yes, it is!

If you can have anything
you want in this world,

you have to raise the stakes
or life gets boring.

The Kennedys used to have
fight clubs at their compound.

Honey, listen, you gotta
stop reading BuzzFeed

every second of the damn day.

How about some Charades?
Should we start with Charades?

- Let's go!
- Yeah!

It's been a while, huh?

Do you wanna wait for Brooks?

I don't think we need to.
No, he's late.

Wait, hold up.

- Brooks is in town?
- Yeah.

I thought he was working
in Europe.

He was, yeah. He's apparently
back for some business.

Haven't seen him yet.

- But we can get started.
- Yeah!

Who wants to start?

Who are you guys
talking about?

Max's brother. He's this super
successful venture capitalist.

Yeah, he was
the first to invest

in Panera Bread, you know?

The Fuji Apple Salad
was his idea.

- A lot of investors.
- Yeah.

He's like the Mark Wahlberg
to Max's Donnie.

Well...

Which is a huge compliment
because Donnie was fucking great

in The Sixth Sense, wasn't he?

He was.

Was he in The Sixth Sense?

He sure is, yeah.

You know who is not
in The Sixth Sense?

Mark Wahlberg.

Mark would never take
a role that small.

Is that right, Madison?

Man, I haven't seen him
since the wedding.

- Remember that speech he gave?
- Yes.

And then he paid for that
whole fireworks display!

- Oh, my gosh! The fireworks!
- Little over the top.

Let's get started.
I'm gonna start us off.

Yes, let's start!

We gotta pick teams first.

- Movie?
- It's a movie. Okay.

Dude, we have no teams.

- You just give up?
- Better not be Brooks.

You didn't tell him
to park up the street?

I did, yeah,
like, three times.

Hey!

He got a Stingray, huh?

Turn off your car!

What's that?

Hello, again.

Mmm...

Still wearing the uniform.

Hey, bud,
I'm sorry I'm late.

I hope you didn't start
game night without me.

Did you not get my texts?

What text?

Oh, hello, Officer.

Why's that guy staring at us?

Gary, I want you
to meet my brother, Brooks.

We're having a little family
three-man game night tonight.

Wait, what do you mean
three-man?

You said that Michelle
and Ryan and Kevin were...

No, no, no.
Just gonna be us three.

I can see 'em in the doorway.

There's a whole mess
of people. Hey, guys!

- There they are.
- Hey!

These guys are leaving.

Take off, guys.

We had a little bit
of a mix-up with the...

- God damn it!
- What?

We didn't want him to know
we were having a game night.

He used to come, and we don't
like him anymore, so...

Oh.

You know,
I think he knows now.

He sure does.

Maxi Pad,
come on, bring it in.

I haven't
seen you in a year!

Hey, you smell good.

What is that?

Is that Selsun Blue?
Head and Shoulders?

Why do you assume
it's a dandruff shampoo?

Well, I mean,
you've always been

a little bit of a snowstorm.

Hey, would you
hold that for a second?

- Yup.
- Hey, guys!

- You look good, stranger.
- Wanna drink?

It's been forever.

I know, and that's my fault.
I'm so sorry.

Sweet ride, Brooks.

Oh, you like that? I just
got her a couple weeks ago.

What is that? A Corvette?

It's a 1976 rally red
Stingray coupe.

It was my dream car as a kid.

And that's what gave me
the idea to get it.

You know what?
I love your house.

Are you being sarcastic?

No, I mean, I love your house.

It reminds me
of Mom and Dad's.

Makes me think
of simpler times.

Simpler?

So how long
are you in town for?

You know, I'm not sure.

It depends on how many clients

the firm's gonna be having me
schmooze while I'm here.

But hopefully for a while.

I don't get to see you guys,
and I...

God, I really miss you, man.
I really do.

Oh.

Miss you, too, Brooks.

And go!

Shock-rocker.
Dated Rose McGowan.

Oh! Ah, Marilyn Manson.

Yep. You got it.

- Quick story.
- There's no pausing.

You remember
the urban myth where

Marilyn Manson
had the ribs taken out,

so he could go down
on himself?

Yeah.

You don't mind me telling
the story, do you, Max?

You're in the middle of a...

You were 14 years old.
It's an adorable story.

I forbid it.

I'm a little curious.

Did you blow yourself?

You know the bungee cords
on roof racks?

- Yeah.
- Max took one of those bungee cords

and he put it around his neck.

Here he goes.

And then he wrapped it
behind his legs,

so he could squish his face
down into his crotch.

But the problem was

that it got stuck!
He couldn't unhook it.

And about an hour later,

Mom comes home,
and she finds him there.

Shit!

Her little pretzel boy
on his bedroom floor naked.

Little pretzel boy?

Great story.
Are we back on now?

So?

So what?

Did you suck it?

Let's go. Come on. Brooks.

Back to it. Come on.
Play the game.

Poor man's Johnny Depp,
starred in Jericho.

Skeet Ulrich.

UN Secretary General,
'92 to '96.

Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

This guy. He hated kids
in Jurassic Park.

Sam Neill.

Dubstep DJ,
looks like Corey Feldman.

- Skrillex.
- Yep.

Rappers love
this Cubist painter.

Picasso!

Big cat shot
by asshole dentist.

- Cecil the lion!
- Time!

- How many?
- Seven!

Seven!

You're up, pretzel boy.

Whoo! Go, Max!

- Come on, Max.
- All right. Here we go.

And kick it, go!

Oh, this is easy!

Annie, the famous actor
that we met

at the airport
about eight years ago.

Who?

Only actor we've ever met
at an airport who's famous.

Bobby Flay?

Not an actor.

This fellow was in front of us
at the Sbarro.

We were wondering why he wasn't
in the first-class lounge.

Oh, yes, yes.

Who was that?

God damn it!

Max, there's a whole room of
people to help you out here.

- Use us.
- Good point.

He was the Incredible Hulk.

Eric Bana.

- Other one.
- Uh, Mark Ruffalo.

- Other one.
- Lou Ferrigno.

Holy shit! Primal Fear.

Richard Gere never played
the Incredible Hulk.

- Time.
- Motherfucking Ed Norton!

Oh!

Primal Fear!

Oh, my God!

He was the Hulk.

- The Hulk.
- I forgot that.

Max. Zero points.

I'd say he blew it,
but he won't tell us, will he?

Shit! Did you?

I can't believe
I didn't get Bob Barker.

Hey, guys!

What do you say we do this
at my house next week?

- House? What house?
- Ooh. Really?

Since I don't know
how long

I'm gonna be here,
I rented a place.

It's only a couple miles away.

You know,
it's up on Broadmoor.

Ooh! Swanky neighborhood.

It's a very cool house.
But it's just me there alone.

It'd be great
to have you guys come over.

Oh, well,
it's kind of a tradition

to have game nights here.

But you know what?

Let's let him show off
his big house, huh?

That's the spirit!

Trust me,

this will be a game night
to remember.

- Oh, boy.
- Mmm.

- Promise?
- Good night, everybody.

I love you much. Drive safely.

- Kisses!
- All right.

- Take it easy.
- Bye.

That little motherfucker.

Whoa!

Well, I mean, come on.

We don't see him
in over a year.

He shows up
in your dream car,

insults our house,

and then tells an embarrassing
story about you,

right before your turn just
to throw you off your game.

Welcome to my whole life.

Why are you suddenly
so worked up about it?

Well, 'cause now he's messing
with your balls

and literally killing
millions of our babies.

Well,
that's a little dramatic,

but, yeah, you know.
I mean, that's Brooks.

I thought that this was just
regular old brother stuff,

- but I totally see it now.
- Mmm-mmm.

He undermines you
every chance he gets.

Yeah. Yeah.

- It's crazy!
- Thank you, Annie.

I've never won
a single game against him.

I just... I think we gotta
fix this Brooks thing.

- Fix it?
- Yeah.

What are you suggesting?

I'm suggesting
we beat his ass.

Jesus Christ.

Good evening.

We're gonna skip the cleanup?

Sure you don't wanna
take a Lyft?

No, no. I am not getting
drunk tonight.

- Good evening!
- I'm gonna stay alert and ready.

Jesus, Gary!

Where are you headed?

We are going to, uh,
to my brother's.

Another game night?

No. No, absolutely not.

We're going to, um,

- have some dinner.
- Eat.

I see.

Pity. I was going
to invite you over

for a dinner I'm hosting.

I've purchased
four lamb shanks

that I've been simmering
in a broth

of red wine and rosemary.

- That sounds so yummy, though.
- Damn it.

It was actually
Debbie's recipe.

I like to think she left
behind her recipe cards

as a gesture of goodwill,

but it was most likely
an unintentional oversight.

Well, here we go.

What?

I'm sorry?

I thought you said something.

- No.
- Nope, not us.

Okay.

Have fun.

Oh, fuck me.

A guy who rents a house
this big

must be making up
for something

pretty small, I'd say.

No, no. No, I've seen his dick.
It's pretty great.

Well, I tried.

- Hey!
- Hey!

- Hey!
- How are you doing, beautiful?

- Good, good. Really fancy.
- Very nice house, Tony Stark.

Should we give our drink
orders to JARVIS?

No, I got the Tony Stark part,

but then you went
full nerd on me.

I kinda lost you,
but please do come in.

- All right.
- Thanks, Cap.

- Hi, guys!
- What's up?

Boy, could sleep four
on that couch. Look at that.

Oh, hello, friends.

Hey, let me introduce you
to my date. This is Sarah.

Sarah is head of company
accounting at our office.

Well,
corporate communications.

And she's also British,

which means
she's smart as shit.

- I'm Irish.
- Okay? Same island.

Well, it's really not.

- Nice to meet you. Hi.
- Nice to meet you, too.

- I'm Max.
- Annie.

So, you can't
always judge a book

by its past covers, can you?

- Mmm.
- Almost a saying.

- Here you go.
- Hey, Brooks.

- Cheers.
- We didn't know

if you had any games,
so we thought

we'd bring you
a few of our favorites.

Hey, look at that.

Whoa!

- Huh.
- The poor games.

I told you
we're taking it up a notch.

The game that we're gonna
play tonight is so epic

that we don't need a board,
and we do not need pieces.

Still didn't need
to throw them across the room.

I was being theatrical.

Holy shit!
Are we doing a fight club?

A what?

It's when rich people pay poor
people to fight each other...

Hey, hey, hey!
Ryan, Ryan, Ryan.

Stop with
the fight club, okay.

- It's nonsense.
- No.

Ryan believes
everything he reads.

Thank you.

So, what are we playing?

In the next hour,

someone in this room
is going to be taken,

and it's gonna be up to you
to find them

before they are murdered.

Oh! It's a murder
mystery party.

Not just
any murder mystery.

I found this company.
They do it super real.

They use legit actors.

You're not gonna know
what's real and what's fake.

- Fun!
- But that's not all.

Because whoever
finds the victim

wins the grand prize.

The keys to the Stingray.

- What?
- Wow.

Just the keys?

No, Ryan, the whole car.

Oh, yes! Oh, man!

You're so lucky I brought you
to this game night

- and not one of Max and Annie's.
- Hey!

No, I just mean
'cause this is better.

Oh.

You're not gonna actually
give away your car?

Oh, it's just a tax write-off.

And the Audi,
it's more practical.

Yeah, that makes sense to me.

Okay. How do we start?

We just wait for it to begin.

Maybe play a drinking game
to pass the time?

This group does not play
drinking games.

Tonight we do, Max.

- Oh. "Never Have I Ever."
- Good one!

Can you believe
this guy?

Yeah,
he's ridiculous.

Beautiful house, though.

Good champagne.

Here we go.

Yup. We're at the house.

We'll let you know
when we have him.

Jesus Christ!

What's with that knife?

It's for the cheese.

Okay, all right.
Just, you know,

really aggressive way
to carry a knife.

Oh no, I've got one.

Never have I ever
connected my work computer

to the projector
in the conference room

when it was open
on a WebMD page

for chlamydia symptoms.

- That's not cool!
- Drink!

Just for the record,
I did not have chlamydia.

It was pubic dermatitis.

You get it from
not washing your crotch.

- Okay.
- Good for you.

I... I like her.

Listen, you're not supposed to
single people out in this game.

It's supposed to be
generic things, like,

"Never have I ever slept
with a celebrity."

Oh, I didn't know. Okay.

Whoops.

- Mmm?
- Ooh.

What?

You slept with a celebrity?

No, I was taking a drink
separate from the game.

- That was bad timing.
- Mmm.

I see how you would
think, but it's not.

Well, then why
are you breathing

like you just got off
the elliptical?

I'm not. I'm...

Come on, babe.
Whose turn is it?

Uh, it's Max.
Max, it's your turn. Huh?

I'm not playing a drinking
game. Who was it?

What's the deal with that?

They've been
together since middle school.

Uh, it's somebody
else's turn.

- Oh. Oh!
- Yeah!

How could you possibly have
had sex with a celebrity

when we've only had sex
with each other?

Please, can you not make this
one of your things right now?

How is this one of my things?

Yeah, Brooks, this is why
we don't play drinking games.

It looks like
the game is afoot.

Oh!

Thank you, God!

Oh, boy.
Let's buckle up, huh?

- Brooks Davis?
- Yes.

- Oh, shit.
- Ooh!

This is good.

Agent Henderson.

FBI.

Sunglasses at night.
It's legit.

Sit down, please.

I'll get right to the point.

The Bureau has been tracking

a ring
of violent kidnappers

in this very neighborhood.

And we have reason to believe
that one of you

may be their next victim.

That's terrible news.

Contained within
these dossiers

are the clues you will require
to find the kidnappers.

You'd like for us
to do that, yeah?

The Bureau's... What's
the Bureau's role in this?

Maybe you guys could take
my wife in for questioning

because, apparently,
she got a secret life

- I don't know nothing about.
- Baby, this is...

Shut up, all of you!

Wow.

It's not a joke.

You people are in real danger,

and you're
running out of time.

And I, Agent Henderson,
will not stand idly by

while innocent civilians
are slaughtered on my watch.

I told you
this is gonna be great.

- It's so good!
- So good.

But before we get started,

I'm required to ask if any of
you have any food allergies.

Peanuts?

Who the hell are you?

Oh!

Now, wait a second. I know
you're method and all,

but you can't just come in here
and break the door.

I do not mind this game.

Are you crazy?

It's very well done.

No!

That is a strong table.

Oh, watch out!
He's packing heat!

Hell no!

Oh! Oh!

Come on!

You're just making
this harder on yourself!

Oh, shit!

Guys, make sure you get a piece
of this cheese. It's just...

Cut me one.

Try it with the quince.

Oh, my God!

Now he's back.

Stop fighting, asshole!

Help me! This isn't...

The Independent Spirit Award
goes to...

Let's go!

Bye-bye!

First one that follows us
gets shot!

Okay, roger that.
You drive safe.

Come on,
motherfucker!

- Bye.
- That was amazing.

Really good.

- That was really good.
- Wow.

Mmm. No, there's something
about this

that just doesn't feel right.

How could you cheat on me
with a celebrity?

I didn't cheat on you.

It was before we got married
when we took that break.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I've been living
in the matrix.

Agent Henderson, you just
gonna keep lying there?

Is any of this real?

Well, don't kick him!

Stop.

He's a regular
Daniel Day-Lewis.

I thought
we both agreed

that we wouldn't hook up with
anybody else during that break.

Yeah, but then you went and got
a hand job from Karen Waller.

- No, don't do that.
- Boop! Boop! Boop!

Because it was over
the pants, all right?

It was, and it hurt.

It was very dry,
and I didn't climax.

Just admit it,
you guys did more than that.

Don't turn this around on me.
Do not do that.

Don't you Johnnie Cochran me!

Damn it,
they got the jump on us.

- Come on. Come on now!
- Shit, Kev!

All right. Here's the first
clue. Looks like a riddle.

"With shiny fangs..."

"...my bloodless bite..."

"...will bring together what's
mostly white."

Donald Trump.

"Bloodless bite."
It's not a vampire. Um...

I'll just google it.

It's so inconsistent,
isn't it?

I mean, they stage this
super realistic fight.

They give us an FBI dossier
but with riddles.

It's like, let's pick a tone.
Let's stick with it.

But that's the game.
You wanna win this car or not?

Yeah, yeah.
More than anything,

but I feel like Brooks
is setting me up.

Do you get that feeling,
you know?

That this is some game

where somehow
he's gonna humiliate me?

Mmm-hmm.

Well, let's not play
by his rules.

"My bloodless bite,
my bloodless, bloodless bite.

"Bloodless bite, bloodless
bite, bloodless bite."

Can you stop chanting
"bloodless bite"?

- Trying to think.
- Yeah.

Oh, shit!

Max and Annie must have
figured it out.

Right. We need to find
an advantage.

Advantage, advantage,
advantage...

Brooks' wallet?

Oh, you think we should steal
all of his shit!

No.

Wait.

Hi, yeah.
I lost my credit card.

I was wondering if you could tell me
what the last few charges I made were.

What are you doing?

If we can find out the name of the
murder mystery place he used,

we can go to their office and pay
them off to give us the final clue.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

You're, like, a double threat.
Brains, and you're British.

Thanks.

Okay. What has shiny fangs

that bites
white things together?

A stapler!

And the white things
are paper.

Yes! You are so smart
and unfaithful!

- Oh, there it is.
- Yes!

Look at that.

- Flash drive.
- Put it in the desktop.

Okay.

Another riddle.

"I'm brown and old by day,
white and young by night.

"My eyes are glass.

"I have nine faces
but no head.

"I sing to the sky
but have no voice.

"I'm everywhere and nowhere."

What the fuck is that?

I mean, how cool
are we? Right?

Very, very cool.
We are very cool.

You're the cool one.

You know, tracking the phone
is just a great idea.

Still on Route 18, huh?

We're catching up to him.
Here we come, Brooksie.

Can you imagine
the look on his face

when we find him so fast?

You know, baby,
I can feel my sperm

already coming back to life.

- Perfect.
- Yeah.

So we'll win
your brother's car,

and then we'll go make
a baby in it.

Yeah! We'll make him watch us.

- Yeah.
- Huh?

- I don't wanna do that.
- No, me neither.

Sorry, don't know
why I said that.

- I'm not into that.
- Not a great idea.

Okay.

Okay, great. Thank you.
All right, I got the name

and the address
of the games company.

- Let's go.
- Yes!

All we have to do now,

figure out what
"bloodless bite" means.

No, we don't. That's why...

- Oh, yeah, no. Yeah, no.
- Doesn't matter. Let's go.

How you gonna
be old and young?

- That doesn't make sense.
- I know.

Guys, hey, how's it goin'?

I just wanted to wish you
the best of luck tonight. Bye.

- No.
- Mmm-mmm.

What are...
What are you doing?

Just being a dick.

Oh, come on.

- Don't kick him, Ryan!
- He's such a good actor!

Ryan!

God damn it!

Baby, hand me those matches.

I'm about to burn
this door down.

You're gonna light a fire

in a windowless room
that we're trapped in?

You slept with Bill Nye
the Science Guy.

He talked to you about flames?

What about that?

Where could he be?

His phone stopped
right here, huh?

- Hear that?
- Yeah.

Ugh.

Found it!

He must have known
we were tracking him.

Well, they outsmarted us.

Hang on.

Isn't that one of the actors?

Guess they're not
so smart after all, huh?

Guess not.
We are nailing this!

Why are we crouching?

I don't know. It feels right.

Oh, it's horrible in here.

Yeah, it's sticky.
Shoes are shot.

Ooh. There he is, there he is.

Don't let him see you.
Come on.

Sit down right here.

Bartender, sir,
can I ask you a question?

Um...

You, um...

You didn't happen to see
a fellow brought in here,

looks a little bit like me,

but he's got a little bit
of a sharper chin

and higher cheekbones?

So, a better-looking guy?

No, well,
I wouldn't call it that.

I didn't see nothing.

- Oh, boy. You hear that?
- Huh. Yeah.

That double negative?
"Didn't see nothing"?

- It's a little forced, right?
- Yeah, I think he's in on it.

- 'Course he is.
- Look at those tats.

So fresh, probably fake.

Tell you what.
Let's give him a test, okay?

Let's order a couple of drinks

that only a real bartender
would know how to make.

- Right?
- Oh! Smart! Yes.

- Sir! Excuse me. Hi.
- Barkeep.

Totally forgot
to order drinks.

Yes, uh...

Could I please have
a vodka tonic?

Well done, honey.

I'm gonna have
a Harvey Wallbanger.

Okay? Appreciate it.

Jesus! Did you see that look?

Guy doesn't know
what's going on.

Think you stumped him.

Some regional theater hack.

Huh?

- Well, this is kind of fun, isn't it?
- Yeah.

It's nice
to get out of the house.

You know, we're not gonna be able to
do stuff like this if we have kids.

- What?
- Yeah.

- Why not?
- Well, I don't know.

I was thinking about it.
Remember Dan and Linda?

Remember how much time
we used to spend with them?

Just tons of fun, and then
they had those twins.

Boom! Off the grid, right?

Last time we saw them

was their Christmas card
with the wonky kids on it.

Yeah, I love those Christmas cards.
They look so happy.

But you know what I mean.

- We don't see 'em.
- Vodka tonic.

Harvey Wallbanger.

- Appreciate it.
- Thank you.

Cheers.

- Did he get it right?
- Huh.

I do not know. I realized I've
never had one of these,

but that is a tasty drink.
It's kind of tart.

You wanna try it?
Oh! Honey!

Honey! There's Brooks!

Brooks is here.
Brooks is here.

We're about to win this thing!

- Yes, yes!
- Look who came in here.

Oh! No! I think he made us.

So what? It's over. What, are
they gonna try to stop us?

- Let's go.
- Yeah, probably.

But that's why I brought this.

Jesus Christ, honey!
Where did you get a gun?

No, no, that's the fake gun
from Brooks' fight.

Oh, yeah.
Boy, that looks real.

- Yeah, well, you know...
- Look at that.

Brooks never spares
any expense.

- Yeah, that's true.
- Okay. Follow my lead, huh?

- Why, what are you doing?
- Lead?

Any of you
fucking pricks move,

and I'll execute every
motherfucking last one of you!

Very nice, honey.

Pulp Fiction, anybody?
Right? It's a classic.

We love films.

Okay, what the fuck
is this shit?

Well, you're gonna
hand over the keys

'cause we're gonna take
my brother.

- Bullshit.
- Oh, you know what's bullshit

is your bald, ugly face.

Uh-uh. No, that's personal.

Come on, honey,
let's just keep it fun.

All right, I'm sorry I called
you bald, you little bitch!

Well, that's,
again, you know...

- Let the gun do the talking.
- Okay.

- Come on.
- Ah!

On your knees. Hands in
the air. Heads on the ground.

- Good. Good. Great.
- Eyes closed.

That's it.
Get 'em up, reach for it.

- Hands up! That's right.
- There we go.

- All right, hands in the air!
- Get 'em up!

- Yep.
- Yo, where's my head go?

- Down.
- On the floor.

Just rest it.

How am I supposed
to put my hands in the air

- with my head on the ground?
- Fucking exactly.

I did have the same question.

Child's pose?
Do you guys know child's pose?

Fuck is a child's pose, man?

You've never done yoga?

- Okay, wow.
- No?

- Cover me.
- Show 'em, baby.

- All right. Arms out.
- Here she comes.

Knees apart if you have
back problems.

And if you're
doing it right,

you're really gonna feel that
lumbar opening up back there.

Let's put your head down.

Come on. I don't wanna have
to use this. Okay?

Okay.

Can't you just tell me
who it was?

I know you, Kev.
If I tell you,

you'll just obsess
about it even more.

Okay, fine. How about this?

If I guess it right,
you tell me.

Fine.

Was it an actor?

Yes. That tower is unstable.

I'm not stable!
Was he over 40?

Yes. Be careful.

Okay. American?

Yes.

It's Tommy Lee Jones.

What? Ew. No.

Denzel? Was it Denzel?
Denzel Washington?

It wasn't, unfortunately.

Thank God.

Um... Be careful.

Oh! Sweet freedom.

Oh, my...

You see, this dumbass thought
he can keep us locked in here.

But guess what?
You can't lock us in here!

You see, hate put us in here!

Okay, baby.

But love is gonna bust us out!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Kev... Kev, are you okay?

Baby, I fell down.

There it is.

Yes, I'm so glad
I invited you tonight!

Yeah, me too.

I usually bring these girls
I wanna sleep with,

and they just suck!

You're like
a breath of fresh air.

Aw, thanks.

I usually go out with men

I find interesting
and non-stupid,

so this is a bit new
for me, too.

Whoa!

Are we cool?

Did I say something wrong?

No.

No, I mean I was wondering why
you asked me along tonight,

and now I know you
just needed a ringer, so...

Oh, did you...

You thought this was a date?
I didn't...

No, actually.
Well, I was hoping it wasn't.

Then why are you
wearing lipstick?

- I'm not.
- Yeah, you are.

What are you...

You can't touch
a girl's mouth.

Why? Are you scared I'm
gonna smear your lipstick...

Oh, my God! You bit me!

Yeah, and I'll bite you again.

There's lipstick on here.

Oh, shut up!

I see you wiping off
that date lipstick!

Ow!

That really hurt a little bit.

Hello?

Hello?

Um, excuse me?

Yeah, okay.

Um...

Hello?

Oh, oh! Oh, shit!

Holy shit!

My God!

Come on! Bloody hell!

- What?
- Phew!

You guys scared me so bad.
What are you doing?

What the fuck is that?

Oh. Well, I just came from
a six-hour murder mystery

where I played the corpse.

I must have dozed off before
I had a chance to clean up.

Well, you scared
the shit out of us.

Really? Thank you.

Actually that means a lot
'cause I do my own makeup.

What kind of party
has a pregnant corpse?

No, I'm actually pregnant,
this isn't part of it.

This is just...

Oh!

- Congrats.
- Thank you!

Um, we want you
to give us the final clue

to the murder mystery
Brooks Davis ordered.

Oh, my gosh.
But that would ruin the fun.

We don't want the fun.
We just wanna win.

Yeah, I can't do that.

This change your mind?

No.

Don't...

What about this?

Mmm.

You drive a hard bargain.
Okay.

Let's take it up a notch.

I was hoping I wasn't
gonna have to dig this deep,

but okay.

Final offer.

You know what?
It doesn't matter

how slowly you slide it over!

Okay? It's $17!
How much do you want?

Um, I don't know.
Probably 100.

Give her 100.

I don't have 100.

How much have you got?

- $17.
- $17?

You brought $17 out?

Nice!

- Thank you!
- Cool.

Oh! So you're just
gonna keep it. I gotcha.

Stay back!

Hey, buddy,
can you just give us

the answer
to the second riddle

'cause we're way behind.

Don't you get it?

That was not
supposed to happen.

Oh, what now? You guys already
did the breaking-in thing.

Shut up! And get on the floor,
all of you!

Whoa! Ron, you okay?

No, Nathan, I'm not okay.

Two guys came in here
and attacked me.

- Oh, my God.
- I know!

And I quit Disney Cruises
for this bullshit.

"Look in your jacket pocket."

We can check, but that
doesn't make any sense.

I'm not wearing a jacket.

Maybe it means a,
like a book jacket.

Why would a book
have a jacket?

Murder We Wrote.

Glenda, something terrible
has happened.

- What?
- Nathan and I showed up for the take away,

and Ron had been attacked.

- Where? At the Brooks Davis house?
- Yes.

- Huh?
- What?

Is everyone okay?

No, no.
I'm not okay, Glenda!

I have a throbbing headache,
and they took the host!

- Who took him?
- Kidnappers!

Real ones!
Dangerous fucking criminals!

♪ I'm packed and I'm holding

♪ I'm smiling, she's living,
she's golden

♪ She lives for me

- Sing it to the mic.
- Jesus!

No.

♪ Her own motivation

♪ She goes round,
and she goes down on me

And you, Tats?

You got something to say?
No? Boop.

♪ Coming over you

♪ Keep on smiling,
what we go through

♪ One stop to the rhythm
that divides you ♪

I see you eyeing that,
Ponytail. Not on my watch!

Bingo! Bingo! I got 'em, baby.
Let's do this.

Yes! Okay.

Hey, hey, Brooks!

- Guess who it is!
- Oh!

Ready? Hello!

- Look at that face!
- Oh, shit.

- You did not expect us this early, did ya?
- That is priceless!

I've gotta capture
this moment.

Honey, get in there.

We'll take a quick
little selfie here

and send it off to the losers.
One, two, three.

Cheese!

Ha!

Perfect.
Oh, speak of the devil.

There's Ryan now, probably
calling begging for help.

- Ugh!
- Ignore.

This is not a game, Max!

Jesus! Guys,
it's a wrap in here, okay?

Show's over!

Listen, I'm not a venture
capitalist. I'm a smuggler!

A smuggler?

Yeah,
I made a mistake.

I sold The Bulgarian's egg
to a different guy.

And I have to get it back
to him, or he's gonna kill me!

"The Bulgarian's egg"?

Wasn't that the third
Harry Potter book?

Wait, I'm confused.

So this isn't the end
of this whole thing?

No, it is the end, okay?

You said, whoever catches you
gets the car.

We found you, we get the car.
Game over.

No! I'm telling you!
This is all real!

The shitty actors
are real? Come on.

How about that ridiculous
fight? Was that real?

Is this gun real?

Oh, no, Annie!

Oh, no. Oh, no.
Bang, bang.

Ow!

Blood!

Oh, my God! I shot you!

You fucking shot me!

Cut me loose
before we all get shot!

Come on, untie me!

- Get me out of here!
- Oh, God!

Help me. Help!

Oh, my God!

Go out! Go, go, go!

What the fuck
did you do to me?

- Come on, come on, come on.
- God damn it!

- Hey!
- Where are the guns?

- Here, here!
- Go!

You shot me.

I know, I feel terrible.

- Come on, man!
- Go! Go, go!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Come on, bitch!

- Oh, my God!
- Move your ass!

- Honey, get in!
- Go, go!

Go, go, go!

Holy shit!

Hold up!
Hold up, motherfucker!

- God damn it!
- Man, come on!

Brooks, what the fuck is going
on with you? Start talking!

I've lied to you and
the family about what I do.

I buy and I sell illegal shit

for people
on the black market.

Really?
So you're a criminal?

Oh, my God!
They're following us!

But I made a mistake
because there's this guy,

they call him The Bulgarian.

He's got his fingers in all
these pies around the world.

- What kind of pies?
- Illegal pies, Max.

You know, the kind of pies
that have heroin in 'em

and guns and sex slaves.

You know,
all that kind of stuff.

But he just wanted me to help
him find this Faberge egg.

Fuck that! Faberge egg?

- Are you kidding me?
- No, I'm serious.

And I found it!

But then there was this other
guy, this Marlon Freeman.

He's willing to pay twice
as much for the same egg.

So what? So you screwed over
the Bulgarian guy,

and those fellows behind us
work for him,

and they just happen to crash
your murder mystery party?

I know, right?
What are the odds of that?

- Oh, too close, too close!
- Careful, careful!

Watch out! Watch out!

Oh, oh!

- Shit!
- Sorry! You okay?

- Yeah, I'm all right.
- Okay.

We need to go to the cops now!

- Yeah, right now! Let's go!
- No!

- We can't go to the cops!
- Why?

The Bulgarian's got
a ton of moles.

On his face?

No, in the police department.

Look out!

Careful!

Oh, my God!
This is insane!

If you call the cops, I'll be
dead before I get to jail.

Why don't we just get a hold
of this Marlon Freeman guy

and buy the egg back from him?

I couldn't find him if I wanted to.
That name's an alias.

- Gun, gun, gun! Duck!
- Oh, oh...

Okay, these guys are not
stopping. What do we do?

They're not gonna stop
until they get me.

I'm sorry I dragged
you guys into this.

I'm sorry for a lot of things.

- Hey! What are you doing?
- What is he doing?

- I love you, Max!
- Brooks, don't be an idiot!

Stop the car!

- Shit! Go, go, go!
- Okay, okay, okay!

Fuck! What are we gonna do?
They're gonna kill my brother.

Oh, Annie, I feel faint.
I'm gonna pass out.

Oh, honey, we'll get you
to a hospital, okay?

No, no, no! No hospitals.

This is a gunshot wound,
they'll call the cops.

Shit, shit! Okay.

So, we go
to a mob doctor, right?

Do you know one of those,
sweetheart?

- No.
- No.

What about a veterinarian
that works for the mob?

- You know one of those?
- No.

Come on. Why are you pitching
all the mob stuff?

Because I'm losing
my shit here!

I get it.

You're gonna have to do it.

- What?
- Yup.

You're gonna have
to take the bullet out.

I don't wanna do it.

You think I want you
to take the bullet out?

I've seen you try
to cut a chicken.

We have no other option.

Oh, my God!
This is so bad!

I hate game night!

Thank you!

Hey!

Oh, thank God. Listen, Annie.
It's all real.

Oh, no, I know.

Brooks is caught up
in something and...

Okay, where are you guys?

We're all at Brooks's.
We need to talk to the cops.

No! No, no, no!
Do not talk to the cops!

What? Why? What's going on?

- Are you guys okay?
- Yeah, yeah.

We're fine, we're fine.
I shot Max, but he's fine.

What?

Look. We will meet you
back at our house.

Whatever you do,
do not tell the cops anything.

Brooks's life depends on it.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Okay.

I got a bunch of stuff.

Yeah.

Pocket knife. Tweezers.

Sewing kit. Gauze.

Good, good. All right.
Wow, you did great!

Yeah. And they didn't
have rubbing alcohol.

And they don't sell
hard liquor,

so I got you
this lovely Chard.

Good idea.
Way to pivot, yep. Good girl.

What else did you get?
More good stuff?

What is helpful in
Country Living?

Oh, that's for later.

There's a corn chowder recipe
that looks really good.

- You love corn chowder, huh?
- Sweet. I do, yeah.

- That'll cheer you up.
- Thank you.

Okay. And then, a squeaky toy.

- Huh.
- For your mouth.

- For the pain.
- Mmm-hmm.

Okay. Well, hopefully
I won't need this.

- Okay, let's see this bad boy.
- All right.

Yeah, careful.

- Okay.
- All right.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- We're gonna push past it.
- No problem. No problem.

- We'll get the bullet out.
- Let's just google.

Honey, can you return
the text later?

This is instructions
on how to remove a bullet.

Oh, sorry.

It's an alt-right
militia website,

so I'm just gonna ignore
the racist stuff.

- Good. Good, good.
- Yeah?

Okay. "Step one,
sterile gloves."

Check!

We're doing
the best we can, right?

Okay. Yeah. We're getting by.

"Step two."

Um... Okay.
"Disinfect wound."

Right, yeah.
That's gonna sting, isn't it?

Yeah, a little bit. Yeah.

- Let's do it.
- Okay?

That smarts, huh?

Yeah.

Gonna administer anesthetic.

We don't have that.

Just gonna skip that one.
Okay.

"Step four, apply pressure
above the wound."

Here, you squeeze that there.

- I got it.
- Great. Thank you.

We're just gonna make
two tiny incisions...

Oh, my God.

On either side
of the wound.

Easy-peasy.

This is fun, huh?

- Are you having fun?
- No.

- Let's get the bullet.
- Okay. Here we go.

Let's get in there and get it.

Nice and small,
nice and small, baby.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. Tiny, teeny.

That's not small.
That's really big!

So big?

Way too big, baby. It's
a bullet, not a grapefruit.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry. This is
my first time. I don't know...

Oh, there's so much blood.

No, no.
Don't you start doing that.

No, you're gonna make...

- I'm sorry.
- Stop it.

I'm looking at you
and you're making me...

Well, don't look at me.
I won't look at it.

- Push through. Let's go.
- Okay. All right, okay.

- No more cutting.
- Oh, shit.

Just get the tweezers
and get the bullet out, baby.

Shit, shit, shit. Um...

What? What happened?

Phone went to sleep.

You gotta set it
so that thing stays on.

- No. My phone doesn't do that.
- Sure it does.

Same phone as mine.
Just change it.

Just gonna touch it with my nose
every 30 seconds. It's fine.

Don't be afraid of your phone.

Get in there,
go to the settings,

go to display
and change the timing

so that it doesn't revert
to sleep mode.

- Revert?
- Yeah.

What are you, Steve Jobs?
I'm not reverting anything.

I'm just not afraid
of my phone, honey.

It's so fucking simple.

Shh! Quiet.
I know what I'm doing, okay?

Do you?

Yes.

- Here she goes.
- Here we go.

You're like a dolphin.

All right.
This part's gonna hurt.

I don't... I don't doubt it.

Okay, let's do this.

Okay.

Ooh... Oh, wait.

What is that?

You hear that?

What's that sound?
What's that sound?

Is that the bullet?

- That's bone!
- What?

That's not right.

Okay. What do the racists say
if you can't find the bullet?

Yeah, that's bone.
You got the bone.

I'm looking at my bone.
Look right here.

Max,
did you get shot twice?

That's the exit wound.

Oh, it came out!

Yup. Nothing to remove.

The bullet has exited the arm.

Well, let's just sew
that sucker up, huh?

Yeah.

No, no. Honey, don't,
don't look at...

Stop it.

I'm sorry.

Now, the Bulgarian's guys
have Brooks,

and the only way
to save him

is to get that egg from this
Marlon Freeman guy.

I can't believe your brother's
been lying to us this whole time.

He's even cooler
than we thought.

Honey, I think you sewed
my arm to my sleeve.

I didn't even know Morgan
Freeman collected Faberge eggs.

Aren't those worth
millions of dollars?

It's Marlon Freeman,
but that's just an alias.

Somehow, we gotta find out his
real name, find out his address.

- Police computer.
- What do you mean?

I once dated this girl
whose father was a cop.

She showed me
her dad's police computer.

It has a database with
every known alias on it.

I bet we could find Marlon
Wayans' real name on it.

So, if we called her up,

would she let you go
on her dad's computer?

No. No way! That ended badly.

So, how are we gonna get into
a police computer

without the cops knowing?

- Billy Bob Thornton!
- What?

- What?
- You slept with

- Billy Bob, didn't you?
- Hang on, hang on!

I know where we can
get on a police computer.

- Hey!
- Gary!

Goodness.

To what do Bastian and I
owe the pleasure?

Well, we were
all just talking,

and we realized we haven't had
a game night in ages.

- Just the seven of us.
- So...

I thought you were going
to your brother's house.

I never said that.

Come on, Gare Bear. Live
a little! It's the weekend!

We were just saying how you
were always better at games

than Debbie was.

I'll thank you
not to besmirch my ex-wife.

That woman is an angel.

Oh. Yeah, she was much better
at games than you.

I will admit I have eagerly
awaited a visit such as this.

Where'd he go?

Do we follow him?

It seems like it.

- Ryan, you go first.
- I'm scared.

Help yourself to popped corn
with sea salt.

Oh! Oh!

Yummy, yummy.

I can't believe
that you read my mind.

I was craving popcorn.

You have a framed photo
of game night?

Doesn't everyone
have photographs

of their best friends
in their homes?

Of course. We do.

Max, you wanna go first?

Okay, I'll start. I'll do it.

Oh. There's a loose one.

Always in the middle.
That's where you wanna go.

Can I use your john
real quick?

Of course. It's the end
of the hall, next to our...

My bedroom.

Okay.

Oh, no, Gary.

So, Sarah, how long
have you two been a couple?

Oh, no! No, we're not.
We just...

We work together.
I wouldn't, um...

I wouldn't do that thing.

I see. I thought I detected

a certain chemistry
between the two of you.

No. No way.

- No, that's not...
- Mmm. Mmm.

Then again,
I'm not the best judge

of chemistry
in the world.

Hmm.

Oh, because
your wife left you.

Oh, shit.

Hello, Donald Anderton.

Oh!

So many possible moves.

I just don't know
where to begin.

Um, maybe... Ooh...

- Decision-making.
- Come on, Annie.

Just make up your mind.
Please.

- No!
- No?

Yup, take your time.

Oh, Brooks. What have you
gotten yourself into?

Oh, shit. Where did you
come from, little guy?

Son of a bitch.
Hey! What are you, a vampire?

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, my God.
Has that got it?

No, that doesn't got it.
God damn it. Come on!

No!

I should go check on him.

I think he's fine.

- He cried out.
- Tell me about Debbie.

I beg your pardon.

Oh, just, I...

I never met her. I'd love
to hear all about her.

Where do I begin?

All right,
you wanna take a bath?

We'll take a little bath.

There we go. Okay.
All right. Here we go.

There we go, huh? Huh?

Oh, it's so much worse.

Oh, God.
And what did I do to this?

What the fuck is this thing?

Oh, Debbie.

Oh!

Okay. Fuck this.

Hey, guys, Gary was right.
It's awful late.

Let's get home,
get to bed, huh?

Get out of his hair.

We haven't finished the game.
It's your turn, Max.

Oh, my turn, huh?

Okay, be careful now, Max.
Oh!

Well, game over.
I went in a little hot.

Why did you...

Thanks.
Good to see you, Gary.

When shall we play next?

Soon.
We'll call you.

Bastian. Baby!

So, how are we supposed
to get this egg

out of
Donald Anderton's house?

I don't know.
I'm gonna figure it out.

"Unknown Caller."
Please don't be Gary.

Hello?

We have your brother.

Um...

Okay. We know
where the egg is,

and we're actually
on our way there right now.

We can do a swap, okay?
Please don't hurt Brooks.

Meet us on the East
4th Street bridge

at midnight.
If you're late, he dies.

- Oh, my God.
- Um...

Boy, that's less than
an hour from now.

Hello?

What's up
with this guy's voice?

He sounds like a monster.

He's using
a voice changer, Ryan.

He still sounds like
a scary monster.

And we are here.

All right, you guys head home,

and I will call as soon as
I get the egg, all right?

What? Wait a second, wait.
I'm going with you.

No, Annie. It could be very
dangerous in there, okay?

Listen, you know,
Brooks shouldn't have dragged

any of us into this,
but he is my brother.

And it's up to me to fix it.

No, bullshit!
We're all in this together!

- Ryan!
- No, no. No. Max is right.

You guys should go home,
but you and I are doing this.

Okay, what happens
if you guys don't make it out?

We don't come
to game night

because we're dying to play
Charades and shit.

We come because
we love you guys.

Honestly, this is
the best part of our week.

Mine, too. And I have a lot
of options on the weekend.

Wow. You guys...

Thank you. That's very nice.

Aw, good friends.

You should probably go,
though, right?

I mean,
you don't even know us.

Yeah, why are you still here?

Oh. I don't know.
I just got caught up in it.

Also, if I go home now,
and then I read

in the newspaper tomorrow
that you all died,

I'll feel shit that I left,
so I'm gonna stick around.

You still read the newspaper?

That's what you got from that?

How are we gonna
get into this place?

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Okay.

Looks like they got
a party going on.

This could be good.

Where is everybody?

No way!

It's some kind of
rich guy's fight club.

I knew it. They are real.

Come on!

That's my Boomer!
That's my Boomer!

Man, this is some
Django Unchained bullshit.

Water!

That's my boy!
Good boy! Good boy!

Rich people are fucked up!

Kramer, get Logan ready!

Okay, minimum buy-in
is now 10 grand.

Okay, I think
we should split up.

Yeah.
And let's start upstairs.

Anybody finds the egg,
just text the others, okay?

And for God's sake, be careful
with it. All right?

- Gotcha. I got it.
- Be safe.

What are you...
What are you doing?

Who says the egg
isn't in here?

Also, I have a really good
feeling about Logan.

Egg, egg, egg.
Wow! This is some bedroom.

Does it remind you
of your celebrity boyfriend's?

Are you still on this?

Yes, I'm still on this,
Michelle.

That's all I can think about.

And that's saying a lot,
considering we got

Eyes Wide Fight Club
going on downstairs.

Why is this
so important to you?

Because, Michelle, look,

I am losing my mind here.
Okay?

We were broken up at the time.

I got a hand job
from Karen Waller,

so you had every right to.

So, why not just tell me?

Okay, fine.

It was 10 years ago.

I was at a gas station,

and I noticed a guy
at the next pump.

It was Denzel Washington.

Hold up.

It actually was Denzel?

Yeah.

He was really nice.

He made some joke
about how premium gas

is probably the same
as regular.

I took a chance,
and I asked him

if he wanted to get drinks.

He said yes.

We both got a little tipsy.

I offered to pay for drinks,
and he let me,

which I thought
was pretty cool.

We danced for hours.

Eventually, we ended up
back at his place,

and one thing led to another.

It was just this crazy thing
that happened

and, in a weird way,
it made me realize

the only person
I ever wanna be with is you.

Nah.

Nah. I don't believe it.

- Oh, you...
- Mmm-mmm.

Well, I took a picture
with him at the club.

I put it in a hidden folder.

Denzel and Michelle.

Yeah, baby, that's not Denzel.

Yeah, it is.

Mmm. No, it's not.

Dude looks
a lot like Denzel,

but it's not him.

You're crazy. That's...
Look at that, that's Denzel.

Okay, let me ask you this.
Did he say he was Denzel?

Well, no...

He tried to introduce himself,
and I cut him off

because I told him
I knew who he was.

- What kind of car did he drive?
- A BMW.

- Hmm.
- Three series.

Mmm. What was his place like?

It was a two-bedroom condo.

And he used the spare room
as an office, so...

Do you hear
what you're saying right now?

Hold on, let me see.

When you zoom in,
the nose gives it away, right?

- Goddamn!
- Mmm-hmm.

Look, don't beat yourself up
about it, okay?

There is some good news.

If you wanna get with Denzel,

he's standing right here!

Because the real
Denzel ain't got shit on me!

Honey, how does this monster
have five kids?

We don't get to have one.

Well, his wife looks like
she's about 15.

Uh... Yeah. My sperm are fine.

Right, right. No, I know,
honey. We're just gonna...

We're gonna keep plugging away
until something sticks, okay?

Gee, you really sound like a
guy who wants to have a kid.

Well, you know, I'm just...

I'm a little distracted
right now, honey,

as you might imagine.

Look, if you're not into this,
you kinda gotta tell me.

Listen.

I wanna have a baby, but
how do I explain this? Um...

Do you remember how we used to
play Pac-Man at Fisker Lanes

and we could play all night?

Do you remember this one time, I
made it all the way up to level 86,

- and you were not too far behind, right?
- 85, but...

And then I kicked your ass
at Galaga.

- So anyway, what is the point?
- Mmm... Anyway.

Do you remember
how we stayed alive so long?

All we did was
we ate the pellets.

We never ate the fruit because
the fruit is how they get you.

Oh, you're doing a metaphor!

Yes, but here's the problem.

No matter how long you and I
stayed alive in the game,

neither one of us ever made it
up to the leader board.

And you think
if we have a baby,

we'll be officially
settling down,

and you'll never make it
onto the leader board of life?

That's such a good metaphor.

Yeah, no, it's not.

- It's kind of bullshit.
- Why?

- What are we, 16 years old?
- No.

- You wanna go backpacking through Europe? Huh?
- Uh-uh.

You wanna, like,
have some wine coolers

on a football field
with Rebecca De Mornay?

Not specifically.

You know who's always gone
for the fruit, Max?

Your criminal brother,
and that is why

the ghosts
are about to eat him!

Look who's embracing
the metaphor.

I was so...
Wow. You know what?

All this time,
I've just been thinking

that if I helped you
beat Brooks,

you would be less stressed.

But you don't wanna
beat Brooks.

You wanna be Brooks.

I'm gonna look somewhere else.

Come on, Logan!
Boomer ain't shit!

Hey, ADHD!

We're supposed to be
looking for the...

Holy shit. I'm right again.

Wait, where are you going?

Everybody's watching the fight.
I'm gonna go grab it.

- No, don't fucking...
- Be cool, be cool.

Oh, shit!

Who the hell are you?

Me?

Yeah. Who are you?

And what are you doing
with my egg?

Oh. I was just admiring it.

I got a bunch of these
fancy-pants eggs

back at home. In my mansion.

- Uh-huh.
- This one's ugly. Hmm.

Does anybody know this guy?

I certainly hope so.

I'm the CEO
of Cyberdyne Systems.

I should go.

Boomer, take him down.

Everyone hold on
a goddamn second!

Boomer!

Hey, any luck yet?

- No.
- You?

Go! Go! Go!
I got it! I got it!

Let's go! Come on!

Sorry. Sorry.

Hey, Ryan! Ryan!

Oh, shit.

Um, uh...

Okay, okay.

Shit! Okay.

Michelle, I'm open!
Hit me. Baby.

- Oh-ho-ho!
- Security!

No, you don't.

Oh, shit!

Kev, up here! Throw it!

I got it!

Oh! Oh, my God, yes, yes!
Yes, yes, yes!

Oh, no! No! No!
Get away! Get away!

Okay. Oh!

Go to the other side!

Oh, my God!

Annie! Annie,
where are you?

- Max! Max!
- Over here! Hey!

No! No, no.

Get off me!

No!

Oh!

That was easy.

Man, glass tables
are acting weird tonight.

Go, go, go!

Get in the van!

Get in, get in, get in!

- Get 'em!
- Get 'em!

So, you don't wanna
have a baby,

so we can do
more shit like that?

No. No.

Is that the fruit
you were thinking about?

Mmm-mmm.
That's not the fruit. No.

Hey, thanks for the assist.

Yeah.

I don't even know why
I really did it.

Do you think it's 'cause
you're falling for me?

I...

Not... Not sure.

Ugh. I was joking.

Oh. Okay. Yeah.

Aren't you gonna say
you were joking, too?

- Do you want me to?
- Oh, my God,

- Stop it.
- Okay, fine.

It's two minutes to 12:00.
Where the hell is this bridge?

GPS says
it's right around here,

but I don't see it.

Oh, oh. Oh.
There it is. 4th Street.

Oh, shit!

- Oh, my.
- That's great.

That's great. Now they're
gonna kill my brother.

Oh, God!

Hold on.

I'm not an expert, but these
gems look plastic to me.

"Made in China."
Is this thing not even real?

Maybe just that sticker
was made in China.

- Let's let them talk.
- Can I see?

Hey,
why would The Bulgarian

ask Brooks to bring him
a fake egg?

Uh, I don't think
he wanted an egg at all.

I think he wanted
what was inside the egg.

"WITSEC."
What is that?

Um...

We could ask them?

You tell anyone
we were coming here?

No.

I've got your egg.

- You do?
- Yeah, but we broke it.

- What?
- Well, it was a fake.

But we have the list of names
that was inside.

That's what you wanted, right?

Okay. Get on the ground.

We've got what you want.
Can't you just let us go?

I said, "On the ground!"

You too, playboy, get over
there. Get on the ground.

Yeah.

None of that
child pose shit, either.

The Bulgarian's gonna kill me,
probably you guys, too.

Why did you come here?

Because you're my brother,
and I can't just let you die,

even though
you might deserve it.

You're unbelievable,
you know that?

You've always been
a better person than me.

You gotta shut up. Okay?

Listen. I'm a fraud, Max.

I'm not the carefree dude that
wins at everything he touches.

You know how I win?

I cheat.
I cheat at everything.

I even cheated when we were
kids playing Battleship.

What?

Didn't you ever wonder
why I made you sit

with your back to the TV?

It was so I could see
your ships in the reflection.

I mean, I even took five grand
every time we played Monopoly

before we even
started playing the game.

I cheated at the Game of Life.
And at the game of life.

You son of a bitch.

- You son of a bitch!
- Yo, sit down.

- What about you, Princess?
- I don't have anything.

But it didn't stop there,
because when we grew up, Max,

you went off
to college, and I...

You got a career, you...

You married the greatest girl
in the world.

I knew I couldn't keep up
with that success.

So I...

I told everyone that I got
a job on Wall Street.

And I did.

Selling coke to traders.

You didn't invest in Panera?

I ate at Panera.

Jesus Christ.

What's going on?

But that's why I've been
trying to make it up to you.

That's what this whole
game night was about.

See, I had it rigged
so that you'd finally win.

The last clue
was gonna lead you...

Your jacket pocket.

Huh.

Surprise.

I even managed to fuck
that up, though. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry, Max.

I think we're gonna be okay,
though. I got a feeling.

You want us to kill them all?

- What?
- Okay.

Wait, wait.
Just let us go.

We won't tell anyone anything.

We got you the list!

- What the fuck, man?
- Fuck! God damn it!

- Oh, shit. The fuzz.
- Fuck, man!

Freeze!

Gary?

Don't even think
about it, pig.

Can't say I care
for that nomenclature.

Get down!

Come on, bitch!

God damn it!

Hey, isn't that your neighbor?

When did Gary
get so cool?

- Oh, my God!
- Everybody okay?

- You're cool-ass Gary.
- You all right?

Fine, thank you.

Though, in sliding,
my belt buckle

may have inadvertently
scratched

the finish of my squad car.

How did you know
we were in trouble?

The nocturnal Jenga game,

my blood-spattered
marital souvenirs,

and Max's curious search
history piqued my interest.

- Right. Oh, God.
- You, uh...

You saved our lives.

Thank you.

Just doing my job.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh!

- Shit!
- Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

Gary!

Hello? I need
an ambulance. Officer down.

- Oh, shit!
- Hang in there, pal.

Hang on, hang on, pal.

Hang on.
You're gonna be all right.

We're gonna
get you to a hospital.

Okay, look at me. Gary, look.

You have got
a lot to live for, okay?

Do I?

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.

I have no wife.

- No friends.
- That's not true.

No, don't say that.

You got us.
We're your friends.

You've got us.

You don't even like
spending time with me.

Yes, we do.
We just...

We've been a little selfish,
that's all.

- Right, right.
- I'm sorry about that.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

- Bastian.
- Huh?

Someone please take care
of Bastian.

Gary, you are gonna take care
of Bastian yourself, okay?

Listen. As soon as you get out
of the hospital,

you're gonna come to every
single game night we have.

Don't...

Yeah?

Don't you

ever

exclude me again.

- Never exclude you again, pal.
- No.

- Oh, God. What is that?
- What's that?

Is that a blood clot?

It's a blood capsule.

- Huh?
- A blood capsule?

And that is how you do
a game night.

What?

I've duped you all.

Wha...

Hold on a second.
Are you telling me

that this whole thing
was a game?

What? What?

- They, they...
- Shit!

I'm sorry. They got up.
They got up.

When I learned you stopped
inviting me to your game nights,

I hijacked Brooks'
murder mystery party

and I staged a kidnapping
of my own.

You gotta be kidding me.

What better way
to prove my worth

as a game night participant?

Well, what about these dudes?
Are they actors?

Oh, no. They're...
They're felons.

Felons?

I was able to shave some
time off of their parole

in exchange for
this little side project.

- We square now?
- Thank you, gentlemen.

That lady hit me with the car.

Hey, what the hell kinda
psycho are you?

You put us through all this,
just for your own amusement?

No, no. Just the opposite.
For your amusement.

Did everyone have fun?

- No! No.
- Yeah. No.

- No fun! I got shot!
- By me!

I don't see
how that's possible.

My men were using blanks.

Well, that was my gun.
It was a real gun.

So, this whole thing,
the Faberge egg,

The Bulgarian.
That was you?

You've lost me.

The egg, the WITSEC list?

It's all you.
All part of your game?

This is a list of people in the
Federal Witness Protection program.

- How did you get this?
- From inside the egg.

Stop fucking with us.
It's over!

I'm not fudging with you.

I honestly have no idea
what...

Oh, boy. Yikes!

I mean, how stupid
do you think we are?

- Hey, Max...
- Gang, are we looking

at the big twist here?
He gets shot again!

And by who?
A couple of new characters

you introduce
at the last minute.

Dude, you've jumped the shark!

Do you go to the magic shop
to buy a bunch

- of these little bullets?
- No.

Hang on.

This is Officer Kingsbury.

We got a 10-00
on the 4th Street...

Which one of you
is Brooks Davis?

It's funny, you don't look
like an asshole.

Do I look like
as asshole to you?

No.

One of us has to be the
asshole in this transaction

because otherwise
I'd have my egg,

and you'd have your money.

But instead, we've wasted
our night tracking you down.

Now we're gonna
have to kill you.

- What? No, no, no, no.
- What?

Mr. Bulgarian, I'm assuming?

Hi, I'm Max.
I'm Brooks' brother.

And you know, look.
He screwed up.

- Right? You got greedy.
- Oh, yeah.

He admits it.

Good news is, though,
that we got your egg.

It is broken.
Uh, my screw-up.

But, um, I got the list.

Which I bet you've been after
this whole time.

What about this?

How about

you take this list

for free, and we all go
our separate ways?

Nobody gets hurt.

Uh, except the poor folks
on this list, I'm guessing.

Okay.

Okay?

Deal. Makes perfect sense.

No, no. You give him
that list, he's gonna kill me.

That's nonsense.

What the hell
is wrong with you?

I'm just trying to buy myself
some time.

Not much.

We're just gonna cut it out
of you on the jet. Take him.

Don't follow us, Max.
I'm serious!

I'm not worried about that.

You just letting them go?

Yeah, they've done
nothing wrong.

Only this one.

- Let's go.
- Don't follow us!

Gary! He's breathing.

You know, the only
private air terminal

around here is at Conway.

Yeah. How are we
gonna get there?

Brooks' house is not
that far from here.

But our car's not there.

Yeah, it is.

You know,
you don't have to do this

because I can just
poop it out.

We're not gonna go digging
through your feces.

That's disgusting!

Now, hold still
while I cut your stomach open.

No, no! No! Whoa!

What the hell?

- Is that...
- That's my brother.

Get us in the air.

Now!

- Hold on!
- Oh!

- You all right?
- Yeah, you?

- Yup, good.
- Okay.

Okay, okay. What's our plan?

I have one idea.
It's so crazy,

though, baby,
it just might work.

You're gonna crash the car
into the plane,

like Liam Neeson in Taken 3?

He did that in Taken 3, huh?

- All right, are you ready?
- Uh-huh.

Here we go!

Oh, my God!

Uh, you missed it.

Thanks, baby.

Brooks, we're coming!

Whoo!

Well, at least I got to
drive it for 10 minutes.

Oh, my God.

- We have to hide.
- Yeah.

Okay. Go.

Oh, shit! Shit!

Go, go, go! It's stuck.

Fuck!

God damn it!

Where you at, lady?

Come on, you little bitch.

I know you're back here
somewhere.

Let's end this shit.
I won't kill you. Come out!

Come on,
get your ass out here!

Turn on the belt!

- I'm not gonna hurt you.
- Look at the box!

- Just come on out, let's talk!
- Can you charade it to me?

Charades?

That's some
cute full-circle bullshit.

Here we go. Three words.

Come on, lady. Where are you?

Turn.

Turn, turn, turn. Turn.

On.

Turn on. Turn on what?
Turn on what?

Turn on belt?

Turn on belt!

Boy, that's a slow belt.

Hey!

- Okay.
- Oh, God! Annie!

Oh, boy, that was...

You saw what I was going for,
though, right?

Yeah, yeah.
But then did you see

when I hit him
with the fire extinguisher?

- I sure did. I sure did, yeah.
- That was cool, right? Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Great.

Do you want this?

I don't want you to have it,
Calamity Jane.

All right, look.

I think I saw a hatch
at the top of the plane.

Maybe I can get
the drop on him.

- "The drop?"
- Yup, yeah.

- Who are you?
- Why don't you go use the emergency phone?

Call for help.
I'm gonna do the drop.

Okay. You're not Liam Neeson!

- That hurts my feelings!
- I'm sorry!

That's enough of this shit.

Max!

I can't get the drop
on anyone tonight.

Put that little knife down!

Right now! That's it.

Ahh!

Right in my bullet hole.

Come on, come on, come on.

Shit!

Stop!

Drop it!

Wait, wait. Um...

You don't have to do this.
I have kids at home.

Not with that ass you don't.

Oh. Well...

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Shit!

Yes!

Oh, no, he died!

And that's how you get
the drop on someone!

Oh, my God!

Oh. Oh!

- I gotcha! I gotcha!
- This is high.

You're amazing.

- You can cut me loose now.
- Thank you!

Okay. Okay, okay.

- Uh...
- Yeah. In the bag.

- This? Okay.
- Look in the bag.

- That's right.
- Okay.

Oh! Thank you!

- Okay. You all right?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Whoa. Well, look at that.

You put a bungee cord
in your hand,

you go straight
to the pervy place, don't you?

Hey. You saved my life.
Thank you.

- You okay?
- Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I just saw a man die,
but I'm... I'm okay.

Is that a knife
in your bullet hole?

Uh-huh. Hey.
I wanna have a baby.

Uh, what?

I used to think
that I wanted Brooks' life,

but, you know,
turns out he was just...

You're a loser.
He's a loser.

Uh, guilty.

But us making a family?

That's not pellets.
That's the fruit.

That's fruit, it's fruit.

Wait. What's going on?

Plus, think about all the
dum-dums that have kids, right?

And think about
how much better

our kid is gonna be
than their kids.

It's gonna beat their kids
at everything.

It's taken you this long
to see that?

Our baby is gonna crush
every other baby.

I'm sorry, that's right. And
not in that peak-too-early,

you know,
kid actor kind of way.

Mmm-mmm. No.

We will parcel out
his or her gifts over time.

- Absolutely.
- Yes.

We gotta teach it Mandarin
right away.

'Cause China's the future.

- It sure is.
- Yeah.

- You're the future.
- Oh, my God.

Hmm?

And that concludes
my game night.

- What?
- What?

It went exactly as I planned.

You learned every lesson
that I wanted you to.

Trevor, you can get up now.

I'm just fucking with you.

But that would've been
really cool, right?

You're such a dick.

- Hey! Hey!
- Hey!

- Hey, hey!
- Hey!

Come on, come on.

Hey, thanks for letting me
host again, huh?

Well, it's not like
we had a choice, huh?

Only 36 months to go.

Oh, time will fly.

- Can I get you a beer?
- Uh, yeah.

- Come on!
- Hey, listen, Brooks.

I know you're probably feeling
pretty humbled by all of this.

But, honestly, I think
you're gonna come out

the other side
a much better man.

Oh! Hey, look.

I completely agree.

You remember the WITSEC list
that I swallowed?

- Sure.
- I pooped it out,

sold it for $3 million
on the black market.

- Are you serious?
- Pretty sweet, huh?

Brooks, everybody on that list
is gonna get killed.

Oh, no, Max,
I'm not a monster.

I tipped everyone off
that they were in danger.

For $20,000 apiece.

You're unbelievable.

Thank you. It's not like

I'm gonna live
in this dump forever.

As soon as
this cuff comes off,

I'm gonna buy that house
I was renting.

I'm moving in with Johanna.

There she is.

- Hey, Dr. Chin!
- Hey, Max.

- Let's play.
- Yeah.

Uh, The Crying Game?

Uh, Boys Don't Cry?

Is that a tear?
Is that the actor?

- Mr. Potato Head.
- Are you drawing the actor?

- Cry-Baby?
- Yes!

- Time!
- It was The Green Mile.

- What?
- How is that The Green Mile?

This is me
at the Regal Cinema crying

as I did through
much of the film.

How we supposed
to know that, Gary?

I assume everyone cried
during The Green Mile.

- So, who's next?
- I'll go.

- Yeah!
- Go, baby.

Nice try, Gary.

And go!

Uh...

- It's a rock.
- A bean? A rock!

- A ball?
- That's a...

- Burger. Is that a burger?
- Football!

No, oh, that's
a dinner roll, right?

- A bun!
- Bread?

Is it a bun?
Looks like a bun.

French loaf?

Is this a motion picture?

A bun is in a house.
On a train.

Are we supposed
to announce it?

- Microwave?
- It's being cooked.

It's in an oven.
Bun in the oven!

Yes, yes, yes!

Wait. What?

Yes.

You pregnant?

We did it.

Oh, my gosh!
They're having a baby!

They're having a baby!

Oh, my God!

How you doing?

- Hi.
- I'm Kenny.

Nice to meet you, Kenny.

Usually people cut me off
and say they know who I am.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I didn't
catch your name.

I'm Debbie.

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