All language subtitles for Tripping.The.Rift.S03E08.1080p.WEBRip.x265-INFINITY_Subtitles01.ENG

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Now that's
what I'm talking about.

Weren't you supposed to take
a left back there at the supernova?

Get off my back, Six.
I know where I'm going.

If that's the case,
why did you just ask me

- if this quadrant looked familiar?
- I was testing your memory.

I think maybe you're coming down
with Alzheimer's.

It's you who's losing his mind.
Cyborgs can't get diseases.

Yeah, well,
maybe your batteries are running low.

You're impossible!

Club Mediocre?
What's going on?

I thought you said
you were taking us to Club Med.

I got a deal. Club Mediocre is
supposed to be just as good.

What part of the name
convinced you of that?

- I can turn this ship around.
- Yeah.

- You'd probably run over the sidewalk.
- Stay out of this!

You just don't wanna put up the money
for the vacation you promised us.

- Shut up.
- Stop it, you two.

You're acting like
an old married couple.

If we're an old married couple,
then from now on

sex will be limited
to anniversaries.

If that's a threat,

you've grossly underestimated
my ability to go without.

Gus, I think I overestimated
my ability to go without.

Pull yourself together, man.
It's only been three minutes.

You'd think you were
hooked on crack.

Crack, ass, whatever...
I gotta get some.

You got some?
I gotta get some.

- You gotta help me.
- This seems like a logical answer

- to your problem.
- Huh?

I don't care what the rest
of the crew says,

you are good for something.
Bob, stop the ship.

I don't see
why I have to tag along.

I want you
to fly the shuttle.

The way the others are acting,
I can't trust them with the transporter.

They'd most likely
phase me up blotasaurus's ass.

Then what makes you think
they won't take off and leave us?

Because I took out
a little insurance policy.

Bob, what happened?
Why did we stop?

So El Capitбn
can catch some snatch.

The guys went to a strip club
and they didn't take me?

I say we turn the ship around,
head to the real Club Med

and start our vacation
without them.

Yeah, and on the way,
we can hit Jack Hammer's.

I've got enough credits

on my frequent desire card
to get us in free,

plus an upgrade to first ass!

Uhm, you've got a little problem.

Actually, sounds like
she has a big problem.

No, I'm talking about the tractor beam
coming right at us.

That can't be good.
Bob, get us out of here.

Well, I'd love to,
but I'm pretty much paralyzed.

Before he left,
Chode put a Club on the ignition.

About all I can do is talk
and expel waste.

I guess that makes me
Dr. Phil.

Chode, we need you
back here immediately.

Why, did I forget
to take the garbage out?

Get your fat ass back here
with the key to the lock now!

Seriously, Uncle Chode,
we're under attack.

Under a yak, what?

I can't hear you.
The transmission is breaking up.

Stop playing games, Chode.

No, really, the transmission
is breaking up.

When I... my hands
on you I'm...

rip you a new... hole.

Are we lucky or what? I couldn't
have planned that any better myself.

Bob, shields up, 100%.

May I go on record in saying
100% will drain our power totally?

May I go on record in saying
if you don't do as we say,

I'll stick my foot
up your ass?!

Raising shields 100%.

Hello, Bob,
can you hear me?

Hello.
Nothing.

It must have been damaged
when we landed.

Do you have
your communicator?

No, you?

No. I left it
on my nightstand.

What kind of idiot leaves
a ship without his communicator?

Don't rag on me, Chode.

It looks like I'm not the only one
who could use a little R&R.

Can anyone say "Xanadu"?

Let's say we Xana-don't
and go back to the ship.

Are you kidding?
We just got here.

The all-you-can-eat stripper bar.

You can't accuse them
of false advertising.

I think I'll try a little
of each first

then come back for sloppy seconds.
How about you?

I'm, um, on a diet.

What on Pyridia is that for?

So you don't get
anybody else's germs.

How about a dental dam
and a shot of penicillin?

They should be over
in the condiments section.

You sure
the shields are at 100%?

Of course...
bitch.

Maybe we're worried
for nothing.

It could just be a searchlight
advertising the grand opening

of an electronics store.

Everyone, we're gonna need
someone to step up to the plate,

take charge and smack Whip
every time he says something stupid.

Hold on, guys.

Can you help a fellow out?
I'm flat broke

and in desperate need
of a lap dance.

Well, consider this
my random act of kindness

for the day.

- Not from you, Mary.
- Name's Bill.

Offered the girls this
in lieu of kronigs, but had no takers.

I'll sell it to you
for 20 kronigs.

That should be enough
to throw a little party in my pants.

- What is it?
- They take you to the Champagne Room

and do the old bump and grind
on your crotch.

I was asking about the medallion,
you horny toad.

I'm the only surviving member
of my expedition.

We were searching
for the treasure of the Pyridians.

It was stolen and hidden somewhere
in the galaxy many centuries ago.

The key to this treasure is
on this planet.

It not only reveals
the treasure's location,

but also allows access to it.

So where is this key?

That's the problem.
No one knows,

but this medallion
will lead you to it.

But what kind of treasure
are we talking about here?

The finder would be so rich,

his toilet paper
would be made out of gold.

- Wouldn't that chafe?
- If this can make you that wealthy,

why are you sitting here
bumming a 20 for a little tail-shaking?

I said it would lead you
to the key.

I said nothing
about it protecting you

from the danger that lurks
along the way.

Mmm.

Head for the third sun
on the right, due east.

And pray and hope that
your prayers are answered.

Mine have been.

Well, I've had my fun.

I hear my pillow
calling my name.

That's not your pillow.
That's the gold talking.

Danger shmanger.
We can do this.

Am I going to have any success
getting your mind off this treasure

and getting you back
aboard the ship?

Have you ever noticed
you're the color of gold?

Uh, guys.

If we get this thing off,
maybe we can blast our way out of here.

T'nuk, try biting it
with those gnarly teeth of yours.

You could try cutting through it
with that razor wit of yours.

People, focus.
This is not the time or place

for your petty grievances.

- Petty?
- Hey, real people have feelings,

you cyborg whore!

Are you saying I'm not real?

Guys? Guys. Guys!

Just thought you'd like to know,
my sensors tell me the shields

are now operating
at only 70%.

I don't think this is due east.

Now you're sounding like Six.

What the hell does
"due east" mean anyway?

Ow! I swear that tree wasn't there
a second ago.

One too many
at the juice bar, huh, Gus?

I only had one,
and by the by,

what kind of juice was that?

You don't wanna know, Gussy boy.
You don't wanna know.

Okay, what's going on?

I think I just rusted myself.

This way!

Six is right.
Your sense of direction sucks.

Stop your bitching. Me they're
gonna gnaw on like a buffalo wing.

You're lucky.
You're like aluminum foil.

They'll chew on you
and spit you out!

- How is that lucky?
- Screw this. Let's go for it.

Excuse me, Butch.
Sundance is afraid of...

You guys couldn't catch herpes

in a whorehouse.

Oh, shit!

- Whoa!
- Now what?

I beg your pardon.

I think I felt it move.

It didn't move.
Just shut up already.

- No, that.
- What the hell?

Maybe it's a lie detector.

It's some sort of crystal compass.

You sure it's not gaydar?

How you doing, Bob?

Like a girl after prom:
My defenses are wearing down

and the dude's eventually gonna
get his shaft inside.

Bob, reroute all ship resources
to the shields.

We have to buy
as much time as possible.

To do what?

There must be another key
to the Club, and we have to find it.

That guy Bill was a chickenshit.

Get past those monsters
and it's Froot Loops time.

Follow your nose, baby.
Nothing to be afraid of.

And I suppose
that's a Howard Johnson?

Don't judge a book
by its cover, Gus.

It could be like
a Vegas theme hotel or something.

I don't remember
an Apocalypto hotel on the strip.

Who did you say was
a chickensh...

Oh!

This place reminds me
of one of those ancient ruins

you'd see in the movies,
where there'd be an epic battle

between two
ferocious monsters.

I'm not going to keep playing

if you keep
throwing paper every time.

Then throw scissors.

- Then you'll do rock.
- Jeez, Walter!

Just a freaking game.

Oh!

Hey, he's got one highlighted

about a naughty
android nymphette

that gets off
on dressing up like Disney princesses.

You think these letters are real?

Of course they're not real.
Come on, Whip.

We're looking for a key,
remember?

Hmm?

Where the hell are we?
I can't see a thing.

The last time I saw a blue flame
like that was when Whip

pulled his pants down,
bent over

and used my Zippo
to light his...

holy crap!

We're in the temple toilet.

That's it.
We've searched everywhere.

We're screwed.

There has to be a second key.

I can't hold on any longer.
I'm running out of power.

Okay okay, calm down.
I have a plan.

We hide under the floor
in the smuggling bays,

then when they find
the ship is empty,

we sneak out,
disable the tractor beam and escape.

Get off the pipe, dude.

Please, let this be it.

Well, 3PO, you're the one with
the Tranlang 4 Communicator Module

combined with
a Double A1 Verbo Brain.

- What the hell does it say?
- That's just a golden-robot stereotype.

Can you read it or not?

- Yes.
- Then read it.

- Out loud.
- It says "Push button for treasure. "

Hmm! Oh...

This has gotta be the next piece
of the puzzle, right?

Unless it's some sort of
nuclear device.

Can you at least pretend
the glass is half full?

- Okay. Now what?
- What did Bill say?

"Remember to pray. "

God, Lord...

- what should I pray for?
- Duh! Treasure!

I pray for lots of treasure, amen.

That's funny. I could have sworn
I've seen something like that before.

You have. It's the same shape
as the medallion, you idiot.

I know that.
I was just testing you.

Huh.

Step forward, please.
Single file, no pushing.

What the hell's
going on here?

Please don't take
your anger out on me.

I'm just a temp hired
to provide slaves.

- Slaves?
- Yes, Mr. Big didn't want

to get his hands dirty
with the day-to-day.

Mr. Big. Is that just a nickname
or is he really...

He's the brains
behind this operation.

Aren't we losing the plot here?
What about the treasure?

Actually, we just need you
for the discovery

and recovery of the key
that opens the vault

containing the treasure.

It was lost in one of Pyridia's
mines many moons ago.

Yeah, okay, you got me.

This is really one of those
stupid-ass Fox reality shows, isn't it?

- Did we win?
- Of course.

I mean, who would put one through their
paces like this just to recruit slaves?

Consider what you've been
through today as kind of like

getting into a good college...
good grades, your SATs,

the applications, essays,
personal interviews.

So in essence,
you making it through

is a huge compliment.

Let's hope your friends
are equally capable.

- Friends?
- Your crew.

They should be here
in a few hours.

See, we just take this
video game controller

and hotwire it to this.

So we'll be able to control
the ship with a joystick?

It's not so strange. I could
always control Chode with his.

I hate to rain on your parade,
but we've got another problem.

Can't it wait,
you freakin' computer virus?

- Not if you wanna breathe.
- What?

Well, you know how Six insisted
I use all the ship's resources

to keep the shields
at full strength?

- Yeah.
- Well, that kind of depleted

our life support systems. You have
about three hours' worth of oxygen.

Dig!

There's no way I can implement
this tool without some kind of gloves.

Hey, Charlie,
this guy wants some gloves.

Oh, yes, thank you.

That will do nicely.

Okay, I think I got it.
Bob, are you ready?

Sock it to me, brother.

Okay, still working out the kinks.

We don't have time!

Huh?

Here's Jay!

Piece of crap! That doesn't even sound
like John Melendez.

We're doomed!
There's nothing we can do!

"Reroute all ship's resources
to the shields. "

Rip off her top!

No, not T'nuk's top. Six's!

Oh, yeah,

at least I'm gonna die
with a smile on my face

and wood in my pants.

No, not T'nuk's top again!

Sorry, buddy.

I can't believe you got me into this,
all in the pursuit of treasure.

Actually, it was the pursuit
of poontang that started it all.

If it weren't for Six holding out on me,
we wouldn't be in this fix.

That's why I leave the women alone...
nothing but trouble.

Is that the lie
you tell yourself?

What the hell was that?

Well, looky here.

Discovery! We have a discovery.

Yes, Mr. Big,
I've got it in my hand. What now?

20% cut is a reasonable reward,
right, Gus?

- Mm-hmm.
- You'll get your reward all right...

in heaven! Mr. Big said
to throw them back in the mine

- and seal it.
- What the f... hey!

Eight minutes to the annihilation

of Pyridia.

Well, that's that.

You can kiss
my shiny ass goodbye.

If that doesn't wanna make me
get out of here, nothing will.

Gus, load all that dynamite
into a hover cart.

Five minutes to the annihilation

of Pyridia.

There's no way out. Will you hear
my confession before I die?

Jenna Jameson's? Yes.
Yours? Not on your life.

First time, shame on you.
Second time, shame on me.

Two minutes
to the annihilation of Pyridia.

Chode, let's get out of here.

The shuttle's in this direction.

There's no way
we're gonna make it.

There's a way I could make it.

Please, Six,
I don't wanna die a virgin.

Make it with me...
my dying wish. Please!

I'll do it, Whip.

Consider it
a lovely parting gift.

You'll do it?

It's gone.
The tractor beam is gone.

Why couldn't that planet
have exploded 10 minutes later?

You would have only needed
10 seconds. Trust me.

Don't fret, my boy.
You're still in luck.

You're still gonna die
from lack of oxygen.

- Whoo-hoo!
- Well, a deal is a deal.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Jeez, didn't you guys see
the sock on the doorknob?

- Don't you know what that means?
- Have we got a story for you!

A little stale in here, yes?

No thanks to you... hole.

Wait, T'nuk,
what the hell are you...

- Huh?
- You moron!

That was the key
to the lost treasure of Pyridia.

I swapped it
for the key to the Club.

My fortune's gone.
All of this for nothing.

We have bigger issues, Chode.
We're running out of air.

And now we have no way
to get more since there's no key.

Jeez, there's always the spare.

I'd have thought you would
have been smart enough to find it.

Do you ever wanna
see this again?

Okay okay. The key's
under the fake rock by the door.

T'nuk, set course
for the nearest fueling depot.

Six, go pick out a tiara
and scepter.

It's time for some makeup sex.

Here you are, sir,

- the key to the treasure.
- Oh!

This isn't the key
to the treasure,

you dunder...!

Chode!