All language subtitles for Tripping.The.Rift.S03E03.1080p.WEBRip.x265-INFINITY_Subtitles01.ENG

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Please remember
to put your flight attendant

back into
her upright position.

Stop playing with yourself.

Why, you want a turn?

I'm about to break
the ship record.

Give me that thing. I don't think
this trip could get anymore boring.

We could watch one
of Woody Allen's new movies.

I stand corrected.
Bob?

T'nuk, will you wiggle the mouse

and wake him up?

I was on snooze.
What the hell do you want?

- Are we there yet?
- You asked me that 10 minutes ago.

We now have 29 hours
and 50 minutes to go.

I know.
How about a road game?

Ooh, anyone up for
a rousing set of Slug Bug?

- Ow.
- I need something fun to occupy time.

How about I-Spy?

Ah, screw you deadbeats.

I'm off to
entertain myself.

Is it possible I've seen

every free
porn image on the net?

Wait a minute. These girls
can keep my attention

for 15 minutes tops,

but there's one that can have me going
for days on end...

Lady Luck.

I'm in for 50 kronigs.

Yeah, 21!

Let it ride.

Hi. How about
I let you ride?

Chode, are you all right?

- We heard...
- Whoa, Xanadu.

It seems to be in some sort
of tacky Earth theme.

"Tacky Earth. "

That's like saying
"ice cold. "

Would you guys get lost?

Can we get lost here?

- Yes, just go.
- Gambling.

- This place is depraved.
- Gus, you're looking at this all wrong.

Depravity
is a good thing.

Pick your poison
and they got it.

How about the micro-chippendales
all-male revue?

I understand their hard drives
are something to behold.

Chode McBlob, why would you
make such a suggestion?

You know very well
I'm not gay.

Ooh, lookie here.

Fendi and Gucci
and Prada, oh my.

I guess a little
window shopping wouldn't hurt.

What was that about
not being gay?

Mmmn.

Huh? Ah!

Huh?

Oh that feels so good.

Let's splurge and go
for the full body massage.

I don't care
what it costs.

Hmm.

Ooh, you know what they say
about guys with long tongues.

No, what?

How about a lapdance?

I don't know.
I never...

Money makes me moist.

All you had to say

was the magic word
"moist. "

Oh!
Hey, come here often?

Oh my god,
I loved that show.

Let's see what all
the fuss is about.

If my money hadn't run out,
I'd still be enjoying myself.

Whip, enough with the damn
paddle ball already.

Bob, please,
are we there yet?

No, and if you
ask me again,

I'll turn the ship
right around.

Do you understand me,
mister?

Hey, Gus, how was your
online gambling experience?

A den of iniquity
if you ask me.

What was that?

Whoever smelt it,
dealt it.

I'm picking up a problem
in the exhaust system.

I guess no one would buy it
if I blamed it on the dog?

Hey, is that
a shot at me?

The entire exhaust
manifold is gone.

Somebody's replaced it
with this drier hose.

Hey, how would you like it if someone
poked around in your exhaust?

Chode does it all the time.

Are you telling me someone
ripped off your exhaust

And you didn't feel a thing?

- I was on snooze.
- What are you, narcoleptic?

- Gus!
- What?

You told me that
story about the guy

waking up in a bathtub
missing a kidney

- was an urban legend.
- Yes, well,

I also told you not to fill out that
organ donor card.

What if the manifold
was stolen by aliens?

Ditsy broad, we're
the freakin' aliens here.

Hmm.
This is quite a mystery.

What we need
is a clue.

You mean like
in "Clue" the movie?

- There was a movie?
- Yeah!

It had three endings.

Go talk dull
somewhere else.

I've got some
deducing to do.

Whip, stay here.
You'll be my assistant.

Hmm.
No fingerprints.

We need one of those fancy lights
to check for body fluids.

This was a theft.
Not rape.

Don't you watch
"CSl: Snozzo," Uncle Chode?

Even thieves leave
their semen behind.

"MET'1-MAN"?

- What the hell does that mean?
- Chode,

you'd better get up here.

We've got
another problem.

Now don't get upset.

Saying that tells a guy
he should be upset.

Holy...!
My command post!

My symbol of power!

What got stolen,
his chair or his...?

Who could do
such a thing?

That's for you to know
and for us to find out.

- What?
- Us to know and you to find out?

- Huh?
- Shut up, Whip.

It's time for me
to put on my thinking cap.

I wish someone would
steal that... music.

This has Darph Bobo
written all over it.

I disagree, my good Whipston.

He would've been gloating the moment
he got his pasty little hands on it.

And he would have started
with the exhaust system.

Aha!

- What is it?
- Hmm.

Some sort
of metallic shaving.

Let's get this thing
back to the lab

and run some tests.

- We don't have a lab.
- I told you the bathroom's the lab.

- Remember?
- I thought the bathroom

was the interrogation room.

No, you dumbass.
The kitchen's the...

Mmm.

No, my boy, the kitchen
is the conservatory.

- Why are you talking that way?
- What was is that, my boy?

The tea and crumpets and delight.

I beg your pardon.

Silly of me. I believe
I have taken on the persona

of Holmes.

You mean that pornstar
John Holmes?

You know, if you're going
to assist me in these matters,

you should try
cracking a friggin' book!

Huh?

Hand me that razorblade.
The one on the stack of magazines.

What magazines?

The ones next to the...
ahh! No!

My men's magazine
collection!

They got 'em all!
They were priceless!

Hef came to me
to do research!

I always hoped you were gonna
leave them to me in your will.

None of the pages
were even stuck together!

Do you realize
how rare that is?

I've gotta get 'em back.
I've gotta find 'em!

Here,
this'll cheer you up...

something better
than pictures in a magazine.

The real thing.

Like those are real.

That Pamela Anderson
wannabe's tits

are just silicone
and helium.

Now these
are the real McCoy.

And you get 50% more.

We're trying to cheer Chode up,
not make him sick.

It was you!
No one else on board

Gives a crap about
looking at women!

Why you little...

Come on,
Uncle Chode, think!

If I stole your porn,
you would have found it in my room.

Yeah, he'd be
in there right now

with a Costco-size bottle
of hand lotion

and a case
of tube socks.

You're right.
I found nothing.

Not even a torn page
with a badly-written forum story.

These crimes were performed
with incredible precision,

the precision
of someone or someones

who know what they want
and where to find it,

which leads me
to only one conclusion.

- What's that?
- It's an inside job.

Oh, us.

Whip, get everyone
assembled on the bridge.

Let's see if my superior
intellect and cunning

Can flush
a few quail, huh?

If there's gonna be
any flushing,

Shouldn't we be
in the bathroom?

Just do it right now,
you dipweed!

Sorry I'm late.

I had a little trouble
with the car.

Am I still your assistant

or one of the suspects,
Uncle Chode?

Let me think
for a moment.

We all agree that you have
an uncontrollable urge

to stimulate your...
your little Havana,

so you could have
stolen my magazines,

but it would
also have been difficult

- to part with them.
- Well, duh.

There may be more going on
behind those reptilian eyes

than meets the, well, eye.
Which leads us to you, miss.

How does that
lead you to me?

If you don't mind, miss,
I'll ask the questions.

I think you considered
those magazines a pain,

something that rubbed you
the wrong way.

- Is there a wrong way?
- You got a point.

You were jealous

due to the amount of time
I spent with them and not you,

so you had a motive.
And your access to my quarters

- gave you the means.
- Are you kidding?

I saw them
as a welcome break.

I was gonna buy you
a lifetime subscription

To "Butts, Nuts, and Sluts"
for Christmas.

Really?! That's very
generous of you, miss.

And what of you,
my three-titted friend?

I'm definitely not jealous
of your girly mags.

No,
but everyone knows

there's nothing
you'd like more

than to take command
of this ship.

You're out
of your... mind.

You may have wanted
my position as captain so bad

you were willing
to steal to get it.

Oh yeah,
there's one more thing.

Those gold-colored
metal shavings

were produced
when your accomplice

scraped his leg
on the chair

while he was lifting it,
right, Gus?

Oh, that.

I got it from the stall door
in a public restroom.

I was kneeling down
to look at a curious hole

- in the stall wall...
- That's evidence

in an entirely
different case.

Well, as far
as "MET'1-MAN,"

that would only refer
to Six or Gus.

T'nuk couldn't meet a man
and Whip wouldn't want to.

What about
the exhaust system?

- Why don't you ask Bob?
- Are you suggesting

I stole
my own exhaust system?

No, but you should be able
to tell us who did.

I told you.
I was on snooze.

- I can sleep through anything.
- As can I.

Well, that's funny, miss. A lot of
people use humor to cover their guilt.

So this is it?
We all did it.

It was all a mad
conspiracy to...

Okay okay.

So I didn't get it right,
but that was all part of my plan!

- See, I was stallin'.
- Till you grew a brain?

No.
I needed time,

time for the translucent
micromanatic sulfa crystals

to take effect.

What's that,
some kind of truth serum?

No, it's a dye I dusted my magazines
with to protect them.

Once touched,
it takes about 45 minutes

to turn the thief's hands
and anything he's touched

a neon guilty green.

Oh.

See?
Wasn't me.

The only green is a bit
of copper petina...

robot age spots.

There couldn't have been.

- I was bluffing.
- Gus, why?

Okay, yes, it was me.

You'd think that even you
could've figured out

That it wasn't "MET'1-MAN,"
but "MET'I-MAN."

It's my screen name.

You see, I've got
money problems.

I've been selling various items
around the ship on ebay

And for more
than I thought I would.

They're one of the few things
on the ship that are worth anything.

Let's sell you piece by piece
and see what we get.

You mean right now some stranger
is ogling my girls?!

I'll kill you!

- Gus, why do you need money?
- Well...

My, how invigorating!

I feel so alive!

Well, for a machine.

Woo-hoo-hoo!

Ha ha!

Oh yes, yes!

I can't lose.
Hoo-hoo!

Wonderful!

Ho ho ho!

Muah!
Hmm.

Woo-hoo!
Oh yes!

Yes!

Ah.

You gotta be
sitting on a pair of ladies.

Well, the stool
was a little short.

I haven't got the money,
but you don't have the cards.

How much you need, eh?

Looks like I'm about
100,000 kronigs short.

Heck, we'll spot you.

That's awfully nice
of you gentlemen.

You're looking more and more
like my own personal ATM.

There's no way you're
fence-hopping this pot.

Looks like you're
a retarded pitbull,

won't let go once you catch
the slightest bit of a hand.

Pay up.

I think it's you

who needs to pay up, eh?

How was I to know
those two were members

of the Falsetto
crime family?

I've been selling
various things to...

- Pay your debt?!
- Not exactly.

Just the interest.

There was nothing aboard
that could cover my original marker.

What happens
if you don't pay?

I'll give you
three guesses.

Oh hey there.

These are the guys?!

Okay, everybody, relax!

We'll just jettison
Gus into space

And they can pick him up.
We're no worse for the wear.

- Chode.
- All right, all right.

Bob, get us the hell
out of here.

Oh, uh, I guess this
would be a good time to tell you

I also sold off
the dylithium crystals.

So, Gus, are you gonna
hop on the grenade here,

or do we have to hold you on it
and throw you down until it explodes?!

- That won't be necessary.
- No disrespect,

but you don't look like you belong
to a tough Italian crime family.

We're not Italian, eh.

Jeez, that's totally stereotypical,
don't you think?

- So what are you, the Russian mob?
- Nope.

The gang of Brazilian street toughs
known as "The Red Command"?

Uh-uh! We're from the center
of the universe, eh.

- Coreolia?
- No, Toronto.

I thought Michael Moore said there
was no such thing as crime in Canada.

Jeez, of all people,
you're gonna believe that hoser?

He is pretty much right
about everything, isn't he?

Shh.
The Patriot Act.

Anyhoo, we're here
for our money, eh.

Where is it? You know the rules.

- You gonna kneecap him?
- There's you go again

with that
Italian stuff, eh.

No, we'll just shoot him,
then you!

Okay okay,
let's all just settle down.

Gus, get these
fine gentlemen their money.

- Chode, I...
- Don't play games, buddy.

Go get their money.

You know, the money I left in the
bathroom taped behind the toilet tank?

Bathroom?
Toilet tank?

Hmmph. Sounds like that scene
out of "The Godfather. "

Oh jeez.

Stan, can you like
believe these guys?

Jeez, we might be from Toronto,
but we're not stupid, eh.

Barry, Stan,
what's the hold up?

My wife's expecting
me for supper.

If I'm late, there won't be
any whoopie-making

for another month!

Pardon the racy language
in mixed company.

- You gotta be the accountant.
- Jeffery's the boss.

The boss, huh?
Anything I can do to keep this guy

out of cement overshoes?

Hmm.

Straight-up trade.

Gus's marker for your extensive
men's magazine collection.

- How'd you know?
- Are you kidding?

There are entire
chat rooms dedicated to it.

Well, what do you say?

You really think Gus's life

is worth all that?

You have a point.

Besides, Gus here sold it on eBay
to keep up with his payments.

So shooting him would
actually be doing you a favor.

- You have no idea.
- Excuse me,

- I do have feelings.
- Not for long.

Chode, do something.

Oh, all right.
Hold on.

There's gotta be something
we can do to spare this guy's life.

- He made an honest mistake.
- He knew what he was doing.

That's just it.
He didn't.

It's the first time
he's been in a casino,

online or otherwise.

This guy thinks a vice is using butter
instead of margarine.

What did you
have in mind?

How do I know you won't pull
any funny business?

Here, let Gus
stand over there

with you and your friends
while we play.

If you think I'm dealing
from the bottom of the deck,

you shoot him
and we're done.

- Whose side are you on?
- Relax, Louise.

We're just gonna play
a gentleman's game

like a couple
of gentleman.

I'll start off
with Gus's fingers.

You won't cut off
any of Gus's fingers.

I see that bet with the screen
on the bridge.

- HD?
- And Dolby digital.

- Check.
- I'm in for one astronaut pen.

The kind that writes
upside down?

Uh-uh. This is more
of a specialty item.

You know my weakness,
Mr. McBlob.

Well played.

I won't break
Gus's legs

and you have my word he won't be
buried in a shallow black hole.

Hmm.

I'm going all-in.

I don't want your ship,
Mr. McBlob.

I wasn't talking
about the ship.

I was talking
about Six here.

Which one is Six?

- That one?
- I don't think so.

Can't blame a guy
for trying.

I don't believe this.

Gus is more important
to you than me?

You're the one who told me
to do something!

Look, I heard you talk about the lack
of nookie from the cookie?

Six here can help you forget
you were ever married

and that's after
the first five seconds!

Chode, I don't know
if I can let you do this.

- You want to be dead?
- Okay, good point.

All in.
Gus for Six!

- And 50,000 kronigs?
- Yeah yeah, whatever.

I've got jacks
and sevens.

Well, I'm sorry to say

that doesn't beat a flush!

Ho ho, hooray!

Well, I must admit that wasn't
a bad way to kill some time.

Don't talk to me,
you pig.

It's times like this you find out
who your friends really are.

Relax, Six,
you weren't going anywhere.

He was beat from the get!

I had Gus stand
over with his goons,

not just to reassure him
that I wouldn't pull a fast one,

it was so I could see
the cards

- in the reflection of Gus's chest.
- Oh.

But Gus isn't free.
I won his marker.

That means
now he owes me.

And we're gonna chalk it all up
to a lesson learned.

What do you think this is,
a... after school special?

Ooh.

Yes, is this Bjorn's House of Porn?

Oh, Bjorn. Love a man who
answers his own phone.

Anyway, I am looking for the entire
first and third years

of "Mothers,
Jugs and Swedes,"

and also March
of the fourth year.

Oh you do.
Good good.

And as to condition?

Kept under the mattress
of a little old man for years?

Good. You wouldn't
happen to also have

year seven of "Round Mounds,"
would you?

Tits McGee
has those in stock?

That's
M- C-capital G-double E?