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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:55,431 --> 00:00:58,142 Idiot. Hell, no, I won't marry you. Gosh! 4 00:00:59,268 --> 00:01:02,480 What would you do if you were in a situation like this? Gosh! 5 00:01:02,521 --> 00:01:05,274 Gosh! Gosh! Gosh! 6 00:01:05,316 --> 00:01:06,317 DON'T VOTE FOR PEDRO 7 00:01:21,999 --> 00:01:23,375 JULIA JONES'S Diary 8 00:01:28,631 --> 00:01:30,591 Dear Diary, I had that nightmare again. 9 00:01:30,633 --> 00:01:34,136 weight 389 lbs. cigarettes 1,42 per day Alcohol units - Tara Reid status 10 00:01:34,178 --> 00:01:35,679 I fear I'll never get married. 11 00:01:36,138 --> 00:01:37,264 L 12 00:01:37,306 --> 00:01:41,060 Maybe I am destined to be a sad old spinster... 13 00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:45,272 ...whose only companionship comes from an absurd amount of cats. 14 00:01:59,495 --> 00:02:01,789 No, that won't be me! 15 00:02:01,831 --> 00:02:03,582 I believe in true love. 16 00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:07,837 My knight in shining armor is out there somewhere... 17 00:02:07,878 --> 00:02:10,172 ...and I'm gonna find him. 18 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:42,282 Oh, shit. 19 00:04:46,704 --> 00:04:48,330 GREEK DINER 20 00:05:03,137 --> 00:05:04,555 Hi, Dad. 21 00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:06,473 Look here, Julia. 22 00:05:06,515 --> 00:05:08,559 When you gonna find a man and get married? 23 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,562 You looking old, fat, and saggy. 24 00:05:12,396 --> 00:05:16,358 And the mole on your forearm, it's growing a mole. 25 00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:19,695 Let's put some hummus on it. 26 00:05:19,737 --> 00:05:21,113 Cures everything. 27 00:05:23,615 --> 00:05:25,617 Baby, you gotta find a man. 28 00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:28,245 In our race to protect our Greek heritage-- 29 00:05:28,287 --> 00:05:31,498 Yes, yes, yes. And my heritage too. 30 00:05:31,540 --> 00:05:34,501 Let us not forget, you're also one half Indian. 31 00:05:34,543 --> 00:05:39,715 -Your mother's right. -Big sister, we also Japanese. 32 00:05:39,757 --> 00:05:40,758 And Jewish. 33 00:05:41,258 --> 00:05:46,180 So you're telling me I have to marry a guy who's a Greek-Indian-Japanese-Jew? 34 00:05:46,221 --> 00:05:50,601 Baby, you're acting like that's hard to find. I mean, look around. They everywhere. 35 00:05:55,314 --> 00:05:58,150 Nicky. Nicky! 36 00:05:58,192 --> 00:05:59,443 You're Greek, right? 37 00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:04,073 Yeah. And Indian and Japanese and a Jew. 38 00:06:05,991 --> 00:06:08,160 You wanna go out with my daughter? 39 00:06:08,202 --> 00:06:10,579 No, I don't like redheads. Sorry. 40 00:06:16,460 --> 00:06:20,589 Dad, I know I'm no beauty, but I'm not gonna settle. 41 00:06:20,631 --> 00:06:25,385 I respect our heritage, but I believe love is blind. 42 00:06:26,261 --> 00:06:30,265 Somewhere out there is my true love. 43 00:06:30,307 --> 00:06:32,434 No! Back to work. 44 00:06:35,604 --> 00:06:37,189 Coffee? 45 00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:43,403 -More coffee? -Excellent. 46 00:06:43,445 --> 00:06:45,447 Jolly good. I quite fancy some... 47 00:06:49,493 --> 00:06:52,454 ...more coffee, actually. 48 00:06:54,790 --> 00:06:56,333 Pick up. 49 00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:01,046 Pick up! Pick up! 50 00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:02,548 -Okay. -Pick up! 51 00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:04,591 I'm coming. 52 00:07:26,655 --> 00:07:29,658 hitch Feeling all alone? hitch'll find you someone to bone 53 00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:36,331 HITCH - DATE DOCTOR M.D., Ph.D., DDS...OBGYN 54 00:07:42,171 --> 00:07:44,381 Oh, hell, no! 55 00:07:44,423 --> 00:07:47,467 -You're Hitch? -You got a problem with that? 56 00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:50,220 Please, I'm desperate. 57 00:07:51,096 --> 00:07:54,308 Even I can't help you, and I found Star Jones a husband. 58 00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:03,233 Shit. Come on in. 59 00:08:03,859 --> 00:08:06,862 Thanks for seeing me. I heard you're the best. 60 00:08:06,904 --> 00:08:08,655 You're goddamn right I'm the best! 61 00:08:08,697 --> 00:08:11,241 Look at all the couples I'm responsible for. 62 00:08:11,283 --> 00:08:13,660 You got Brad and Jen. 63 00:08:13,702 --> 00:08:14,995 Jessica and Nick. 64 00:08:15,037 --> 00:08:16,371 Ben and Gwyn. 65 00:08:16,413 --> 00:08:17,623 Ben and Jen. 66 00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:18,957 Ben and Jen. 67 00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:20,167 Ben and Matt. 68 00:08:20,209 --> 00:08:21,460 Whitney and Bobby. 69 00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:22,878 Kobe and Shaq. 70 00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:24,296 Ellen and Anne. 71 00:08:24,338 --> 00:08:25,672 Yeah, I do them too. 72 00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:29,635 Well, there's this guy at the diner where I work. 73 00:08:30,344 --> 00:08:32,971 We had this moment. 74 00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:34,514 What happened? 75 00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:37,601 I turned around and he was gone. 76 00:08:37,643 --> 00:08:39,978 He probably got a good look at your mug and ran. 77 00:08:41,563 --> 00:08:46,109 Why don't we broaden the search from that one guy to just any nigga? 78 00:08:46,902 --> 00:08:48,862 -Okay. -Eight out of ten guys believe... 79 00:08:48,904 --> 00:08:53,116 ...the first kiss will tell them everything they need to know about a relationship. 80 00:08:53,158 --> 00:08:56,036 So before we get started, let's see what you got. 81 00:09:03,418 --> 00:09:05,587 Stinky. You got the dragon. 82 00:09:12,386 --> 00:09:14,137 You got a little something in there. 83 00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:28,735 A whole wing? 84 00:09:30,112 --> 00:09:33,824 Extra crispy? Goddamn! 85 00:09:55,679 --> 00:09:57,389 Good gracious! 86 00:10:00,684 --> 00:10:03,103 Off of me, trick! What are you, hungry? 87 00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:12,696 I'm hopeless. 88 00:10:15,490 --> 00:10:17,951 I'm never gonna meet my Prince Charming. 89 00:10:18,702 --> 00:10:19,828 I got it. 90 00:10:25,417 --> 00:10:28,420 -A reality dating show? -Says here you can meet your dream man. 91 00:10:28,462 --> 00:10:30,130 Extreme BACHELOR DESPERATE EDITION 92 00:10:30,172 --> 00:10:32,883 It also says you have to be beautiful. 93 00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:37,220 Well, you're beautiful-ish. 94 00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:40,807 Come on, Hitch. The only way I could get on that show... 95 00:10:40,849 --> 00:10:43,769 ...is if you magically turn me into a princess. 96 00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:47,731 Let's roll. 97 00:10:54,279 --> 00:10:55,447 Yo, fellas. 98 00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:57,115 West Side Custom WSC 99 00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:02,412 Time to pimp her out. 100 00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:17,904 Hey, hey. 101 00:12:23,994 --> 00:12:25,579 -Yeah. -Yeah. 102 00:12:47,309 --> 00:12:49,311 Worst Foods Mayonnaise 103 00:13:03,158 --> 00:13:05,619 Whoa, you officially pimped out. 104 00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:14,628 All right, girl. Now you're good to go. 105 00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:22,511 Ladies, good evening. 106 00:13:22,552 --> 00:13:26,556 And welcome to The Extreme Bachelor, Desperate Edition. 107 00:13:27,182 --> 00:13:29,100 By the end of tonight's episode... 108 00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:32,896 ...one of you lucky ladies will be chosen by the bachelor... 109 00:13:32,938 --> 00:13:35,065 ...to go on a dream date. 110 00:13:35,899 --> 00:13:37,275 So let's meet him. 111 00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:40,820 He's a doctor who gets a lot of tail. 112 00:13:41,780 --> 00:13:46,159 Ladies, may I introduce the bachelor? 113 00:13:55,877 --> 00:13:57,504 -Hi. Lovely to meet you. -Hi. 114 00:13:57,546 --> 00:13:58,838 Hello, I'm Grant. 115 00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:00,006 -Hi. -Hi. 116 00:14:00,048 --> 00:14:01,800 -I'm Grant. -Hi, Grant. 117 00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:02,884 Nice to meet you. 118 00:14:07,097 --> 00:14:08,265 I'm Julia. 119 00:14:08,765 --> 00:14:10,267 Pleasure. 120 00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:15,230 Now, Grant, the elimination round. 121 00:14:15,272 --> 00:14:18,733 Essentially nixing the girls you don't want to bang. 122 00:14:19,317 --> 00:14:20,944 Who's going to be eliminated? 123 00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:41,881 Nice aim, Grant. Good eye. 124 00:14:54,728 --> 00:14:56,896 Julia, will you accept this rose? 125 00:14:57,564 --> 00:14:58,857 Yes. 126 00:15:27,677 --> 00:15:29,596 Guys, congratulations. 127 00:15:29,638 --> 00:15:33,683 You have won a dinner for two at A Restaurant. 128 00:15:33,725 --> 00:15:35,602 A Restaurant! 129 00:15:39,314 --> 00:15:40,774 Thanks! 130 00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:44,110 A Restaurant 131 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:47,405 Oh, yeah, that's it. 132 00:15:48,323 --> 00:15:49,824 Oh, God. 133 00:15:52,494 --> 00:15:54,329 Oh, yeah. 134 00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:56,998 Yeah. 135 00:15:57,999 --> 00:15:59,376 Yeah. 136 00:15:59,417 --> 00:16:01,086 Yes! 137 00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:03,296 Yes! 138 00:16:03,338 --> 00:16:05,423 Yes! 139 00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:07,467 Oh, yeah. 140 00:16:07,509 --> 00:16:09,386 Oh, yes! 141 00:16:09,427 --> 00:16:11,096 Oh, yeah! 142 00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:14,974 Yes! Yes! Yes! 143 00:16:15,016 --> 00:16:18,353 Yes! Yes! Yes! 144 00:16:18,395 --> 00:16:22,565 Yes! Yes! Yes! 145 00:16:26,361 --> 00:16:28,196 Yes! Yes! 146 00:16:29,531 --> 00:16:31,157 Yes! 147 00:16:37,956 --> 00:16:39,833 Oh, God. 148 00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:42,168 Gosh. 149 00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:44,587 So you're saying you do want the pork chops? 150 00:16:44,629 --> 00:16:46,089 -Yes, please. -Okay. 151 00:16:46,131 --> 00:16:48,258 I'll have what he's having. 152 00:16:48,299 --> 00:16:50,510 So tell me about you. 153 00:16:50,552 --> 00:16:53,054 Oh, I'm just a waitress. 154 00:16:53,722 --> 00:16:57,225 But I want to go to school to be a pastry chef. 155 00:16:57,267 --> 00:17:00,478 Oh, hi. My name is Julia Jones. 156 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:04,232 And for my admissions essay, I'm gonna show all of you at Harvard... 157 00:17:04,274 --> 00:17:08,278 ...why I would make an amazing pastry chef. 158 00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:13,742 JULIA GONE WILD 159 00:17:14,117 --> 00:17:15,869 What a coincidence. 160 00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:17,787 I love pie. 161 00:17:17,829 --> 00:17:20,790 -I've gotta take you downtown for the best-- -Hummus pie? 162 00:17:20,832 --> 00:17:22,167 You've been there? 163 00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:25,962 That's actually my recipe. 164 00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:28,840 But tell me more about you. 165 00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:32,844 Like, what's your favorite love song? 166 00:17:35,513 --> 00:17:37,557 It's kind of corny. 167 00:17:37,599 --> 00:17:38,725 Oh, come on. 168 00:17:55,116 --> 00:17:56,201 You're that waitress. 169 00:17:58,661 --> 00:17:59,954 You've changed. 170 00:17:59,996 --> 00:18:03,833 Well, I was sort of going through a phase. 171 00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:08,922 I was downright ugly. 172 00:18:10,048 --> 00:18:11,966 I don't remember you ever being ugly. 173 00:18:14,344 --> 00:18:15,553 But I remember you. 174 00:18:26,314 --> 00:18:32,153 I can't explain it, but when I'm with you I just feel so alive. 175 00:18:32,821 --> 00:18:37,867 -Me too. -I just wanna scream and shout and.... 176 00:18:38,701 --> 00:18:40,537 Bum fight? 177 00:18:45,708 --> 00:18:47,168 Julia? 178 00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:51,464 Come on. 179 00:19:31,629 --> 00:19:33,172 Yes! 180 00:19:33,214 --> 00:19:35,341 Yes! 181 00:19:35,383 --> 00:19:37,594 Yes! 182 00:19:37,635 --> 00:19:39,345 Oh, yeah. 183 00:19:44,392 --> 00:19:46,936 That was amazing. 184 00:19:46,978 --> 00:19:48,396 It sure was. 185 00:19:57,030 --> 00:19:59,866 She faked it, Grant. 186 00:20:00,950 --> 00:20:03,870 But I didn't. 187 00:20:05,914 --> 00:20:07,582 Meow. 188 00:20:09,459 --> 00:20:11,127 Meow. 189 00:20:46,037 --> 00:20:47,997 Oh, no, no, no! 190 00:20:48,039 --> 00:20:49,290 CRABS HOTEL 191 00:20:49,332 --> 00:20:50,750 SPHINCTER Bleach Leaves Rectum Sparkling 192 00:20:50,792 --> 00:20:52,835 OLDMAN'S OWN BALSAMIC VINAIGRETTE DOUCHE 193 00:20:52,877 --> 00:20:56,631 No, no, no! 194 00:20:56,673 --> 00:21:00,843 No! No! 195 00:21:15,900 --> 00:21:17,485 -Tingly. -Grant... 196 00:21:17,527 --> 00:21:20,738 ...how would you feel about meeting my parents? 197 00:21:46,764 --> 00:21:48,891 So, Grant... 198 00:21:49,809 --> 00:21:51,811 -...ever knock anyone up? -Mom. 199 00:21:51,853 --> 00:21:55,732 Well, I want many grandkids, and how do I know if he's shooting blanks or not? 200 00:22:00,403 --> 00:22:01,654 Bathroom's down the hall. 201 00:22:02,822 --> 00:22:04,866 VICKY'S SECRET 202 00:22:09,078 --> 00:22:11,497 Just leave the sample on the counter. 203 00:22:31,476 --> 00:22:32,477 Sorry. 204 00:22:34,604 --> 00:22:35,855 That's Jinxers. 205 00:22:42,361 --> 00:22:44,447 Taught him how to do that. 206 00:23:17,688 --> 00:23:21,359 Julia told me your last name. How do you pronounce it? 207 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:22,652 Just how it's spelled. 208 00:23:24,070 --> 00:23:27,657 F-O-C-K-Y-E-R-D-O-D-E-R. 209 00:23:28,241 --> 00:23:29,283 Fockyerdoder? 210 00:23:35,873 --> 00:23:40,002 -Allergic to cats? -No, no, I love cats. 211 00:23:40,044 --> 00:23:44,006 In fact, growing up on a farm, I once milked a cat. 212 00:23:45,508 --> 00:23:47,802 I got nipples, Grant. 213 00:23:47,844 --> 00:23:49,595 Can you milk me? 214 00:23:55,977 --> 00:23:58,563 May I say that's an exquisite vase? 215 00:23:58,604 --> 00:24:00,314 An ancient artifact, I presume. 216 00:24:00,356 --> 00:24:04,569 That's actually an urn containing the remains of Frank's mother. 217 00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:09,949 Well, I'm sure your mother would want to celebrate... 218 00:24:09,991 --> 00:24:13,077 ...that Julia finally applied to pastry school. 219 00:24:13,119 --> 00:24:16,664 -What? School? -Don't you want me to better myself? 220 00:24:16,706 --> 00:24:19,333 No! I want you to work at the diner until you die. 221 00:24:19,375 --> 00:24:21,544 Grant was just kidding. Right, Grant? 222 00:24:25,256 --> 00:24:26,757 No. 223 00:24:26,799 --> 00:24:29,260 No, no, no! 224 00:24:32,221 --> 00:24:34,140 Mama! 225 00:24:34,182 --> 00:24:36,058 -Mama! -Grandma. 226 00:24:37,977 --> 00:24:39,604 Jinxers. Jinxers, no. 227 00:24:40,980 --> 00:24:42,732 Grandma Jones. Oh, God. 228 00:24:42,773 --> 00:24:44,650 No. Jinxers, stop it. 229 00:24:44,692 --> 00:24:46,402 -Hey! -Jinxers. 230 00:24:46,444 --> 00:24:47,820 -Jinxers, no. -Oh, no, no. 231 00:24:47,862 --> 00:24:49,822 -No. -Jinxers, no. 232 00:24:49,864 --> 00:24:51,616 -Jinxers, no. -Oh, no. 233 00:24:51,657 --> 00:24:53,034 No! 234 00:24:53,075 --> 00:24:54,660 -Get off my mama! -Bad! 235 00:24:54,702 --> 00:24:55,828 Stop humping! 236 00:24:55,870 --> 00:24:57,747 -Bad kitty. -Please. 237 00:24:57,788 --> 00:25:01,542 -Jinxers! No. -I didn't teach him how to do that. 238 00:25:01,584 --> 00:25:03,711 -Jinxers! Bad cat! -God! 239 00:25:03,753 --> 00:25:06,547 Jinxers, no! 240 00:25:08,007 --> 00:25:09,008 Mama! 241 00:25:09,926 --> 00:25:11,636 That was a disaster. 242 00:25:11,677 --> 00:25:13,221 It wasn't that bad. 243 00:25:13,262 --> 00:25:15,806 You desecrated my grandmother's remains... 244 00:25:15,848 --> 00:25:17,725 ...and my father hates you. 245 00:25:17,767 --> 00:25:20,603 Why didn't you tell your parents about pastry school? 246 00:25:20,645 --> 00:25:24,398 I'm working my way up to it. I'm just waiting for the right time. 247 00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:26,234 Julia, you're a grown woman. 248 00:25:27,109 --> 00:25:31,530 If you haven't noticed, my family is totally controlling. 249 00:25:31,572 --> 00:25:34,617 They meddle in every aspect of my life. 250 00:25:34,659 --> 00:25:38,746 Not to mention, no one in our family has ever dated outside of our culture. 251 00:25:38,788 --> 00:25:40,248 He reminds me of Webster. 252 00:25:40,289 --> 00:25:44,335 I just don't see how this could work between us. 253 00:25:44,377 --> 00:25:46,170 Look, so your family's difficult. 254 00:25:46,212 --> 00:25:48,047 Whose isn't? 255 00:25:48,089 --> 00:25:51,133 Until I met you, my life was boring. 256 00:25:51,175 --> 00:25:53,970 But you, you're smart... 257 00:25:54,011 --> 00:25:56,472 ...and interesting... 258 00:25:56,514 --> 00:25:58,683 ...and beautiful. 259 00:25:59,392 --> 00:26:01,602 I just want to be with you. 260 00:26:03,229 --> 00:26:05,064 Did you say I was beautiful? 261 00:26:06,274 --> 00:26:07,817 Come with me. 262 00:26:08,943 --> 00:26:10,569 It's just a little Jesus juice. 263 00:26:11,612 --> 00:26:13,531 Where are you taking me? 264 00:26:13,572 --> 00:26:15,658 -What are we...? -You'll see. 265 00:26:29,130 --> 00:26:30,381 Oh, my God. 266 00:26:31,382 --> 00:26:33,592 Oh, my God. 267 00:26:33,634 --> 00:26:34,927 Oh, my God. 268 00:26:38,639 --> 00:26:39,890 Oh, my God. 269 00:26:40,474 --> 00:26:42,935 Julia Jones... 270 00:26:42,977 --> 00:26:44,395 ...will you marry me? 271 00:26:45,813 --> 00:26:49,358 Yes, Grant Fockyerdoder, I will marry you. 272 00:27:01,078 --> 00:27:02,872 How much will you give me for this? 273 00:27:02,913 --> 00:27:05,416 No. No! 274 00:27:12,757 --> 00:27:14,842 -Fifty bucks. -Shit, that's it? 275 00:27:18,220 --> 00:27:21,015 But it will destroy all evil. 276 00:27:21,057 --> 00:27:23,517 Oh, screw off, wizard! 277 00:27:28,105 --> 00:27:33,152 My precious. 278 00:27:39,075 --> 00:27:41,827 Before you set the wedding date... 279 00:27:41,869 --> 00:27:43,412 ...I wanted to meet your parents. 280 00:27:44,246 --> 00:27:47,041 Because, frankly, I don't know much about you. 281 00:27:49,335 --> 00:27:52,171 I understand, homeboy. 282 00:27:57,927 --> 00:28:01,263 I'll be watching you. 283 00:28:01,305 --> 00:28:03,808 If you do anything to corrupt my daughter.... 284 00:28:03,849 --> 00:28:06,268 You'll bring me down to Chinatown? 285 00:28:07,019 --> 00:28:08,145 Chinatown? 286 00:28:08,187 --> 00:28:12,441 I'll take your bitch ass to 134th Street. 287 00:28:12,483 --> 00:28:14,860 Bust you in the head with a pipe. 288 00:28:18,406 --> 00:28:19,990 Hi, Little Jack. 289 00:28:20,825 --> 00:28:22,785 How come you have Betty's baby? 290 00:28:22,827 --> 00:28:25,121 She's at a swingers' convention this weekend... 291 00:28:25,162 --> 00:28:28,374 -...so we said we'd take care of him. -Oh, how nice. 292 00:28:28,416 --> 00:28:32,169 Betty's such a good mother. She's teaching Little Jack sign language. 293 00:28:32,211 --> 00:28:36,966 Oh, I heard about this. Real cutting-edge stuff. 294 00:28:39,260 --> 00:28:42,680 "What happens when the ho doesn't give up all the cash?" 295 00:28:45,891 --> 00:28:49,812 That's right, Little Jack. "Keep your pimp hand strong." 296 00:28:51,897 --> 00:28:53,649 Beeyotch. 297 00:28:53,691 --> 00:28:55,484 His first word! 298 00:28:55,526 --> 00:28:58,779 -Little Jack, what did you say? -Beeyotch. 299 00:29:04,702 --> 00:29:07,204 FOCKYERDODER ISLE 300 00:29:09,957 --> 00:29:11,125 Is that your dad? 301 00:29:19,091 --> 00:29:20,092 Figures. 302 00:29:38,110 --> 00:29:39,904 Grant! 303 00:29:39,945 --> 00:29:41,280 My boy! 304 00:29:43,115 --> 00:29:44,950 It's good to see you. 305 00:29:44,992 --> 00:29:48,162 This is my fiancée, Julia. And her parents, Linda and Frank. 306 00:29:48,204 --> 00:29:51,040 Bernie Fockyerdoder. Pleased to meet all of you. 307 00:29:51,081 --> 00:29:52,833 Frank, give me some sugar. 308 00:29:52,875 --> 00:29:54,585 Put her there! 309 00:29:55,461 --> 00:29:56,795 All right, all right. 310 00:29:56,837 --> 00:29:59,548 -And this must be your little girl. -No, that's my wife. 311 00:29:59,590 --> 00:30:02,218 Wife? So young, so pretty. 312 00:30:02,968 --> 00:30:06,472 And you must be Julia. What a beautiful moment this is. 313 00:30:06,514 --> 00:30:09,892 So beautiful. Just beautiful. 314 00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:13,604 Dad. Dad. 315 00:30:14,104 --> 00:30:16,190 What? We're all family now. 316 00:30:16,232 --> 00:30:17,691 I'll just go get the luggage. 317 00:30:17,733 --> 00:30:19,818 So, what was that you were doing back there? 318 00:30:19,860 --> 00:30:23,531 -I was just practicing Capuerta. -Capa-what? 319 00:30:23,572 --> 00:30:26,534 Capuerta, the Brazilian martial art of dance fighting. 320 00:30:26,575 --> 00:30:28,452 -Beeyotch. -I've been doing it for weeks. 321 00:30:29,995 --> 00:30:31,163 It keeps me level. 322 00:30:34,959 --> 00:30:36,544 Come on, let's go meet Roz. 323 00:30:39,547 --> 00:30:40,798 Roz! 324 00:30:40,839 --> 00:30:43,425 You're going to love her. Everybody, this is Roz. 325 00:30:43,467 --> 00:30:44,593 IDIOT'S Tantric Sex 326 00:30:49,014 --> 00:30:54,937 I've been kvelling to meet this meshuggenah goyim shiksa all day. 327 00:31:01,694 --> 00:31:03,821 So, Grant tells me you're a doctor. 328 00:31:03,862 --> 00:31:05,906 I'm a sex therapist. 329 00:31:05,948 --> 00:31:08,075 I specialize in teenage impotency. 330 00:31:09,243 --> 00:31:10,411 Who's thirsty? 331 00:31:10,995 --> 00:31:14,373 -Mum, no. -Oh, Grantulla's just embarrassed... 332 00:31:14,415 --> 00:31:17,293 ...because he lost his virginity to the housekeeper. 333 00:31:23,507 --> 00:31:25,050 Hey, Eduardo. 334 00:31:28,178 --> 00:31:29,680 Hi, Grant. 335 00:31:50,075 --> 00:31:51,827 Thanks, Eduardo. 336 00:31:55,956 --> 00:31:58,417 So is it Harry? 337 00:31:58,459 --> 00:32:00,753 -Is what hairy? -Your name. 338 00:32:00,794 --> 00:32:03,631 -No, no. It's Bernie. -Oh, no, but it is hairy. 339 00:32:03,672 --> 00:32:06,842 -What are you talking about? -Picture this with 4 pounds of hair. 340 00:32:06,884 --> 00:32:07,968 Oh, stop. 341 00:32:08,427 --> 00:32:10,888 So when's the big date? 342 00:32:10,929 --> 00:32:13,265 Well, we wanted a long engagement... 343 00:32:13,307 --> 00:32:15,643 ...so we're getting married this Sunday. 344 00:32:15,684 --> 00:32:17,853 Oh, hell, no. I'm not paying for that wedding. 345 00:32:17,895 --> 00:32:21,440 Oh, don't have a conniption, bubbelah. We'll pay for it. 346 00:32:21,482 --> 00:32:22,816 Of course. 347 00:32:22,858 --> 00:32:25,944 I got a great wedding planner. You'll meet her tomorrow morning. 348 00:32:25,986 --> 00:32:27,363 Let's have a toast. 349 00:32:27,404 --> 00:32:31,116 To great, big matzo balls. 350 00:32:34,995 --> 00:32:36,372 I couldn't be happier. 351 00:32:37,539 --> 00:32:39,083 Thanks, Dad. 352 00:32:39,124 --> 00:32:41,168 Because Nicky has agreed to marry you. 353 00:32:52,680 --> 00:32:56,100 -Nicky. -Yeah. Good job. 354 00:32:56,141 --> 00:32:58,894 Looking good. Nice. 355 00:33:00,062 --> 00:33:05,359 Dad, my whole life I've had this dream... 356 00:33:05,401 --> 00:33:09,238 ...that a prince would someday come and rescue me. 357 00:33:09,279 --> 00:33:11,490 Grant is that guy. 358 00:33:11,532 --> 00:33:13,158 He's my prince. 359 00:33:13,867 --> 00:33:16,328 -And he's the one I'm gonna marry. -No. 360 00:33:17,162 --> 00:33:20,165 You'll never marry Grant. I don't trust him. 361 00:33:20,833 --> 00:33:22,167 You'll marry Nicky. 362 00:33:22,209 --> 00:33:26,255 You know, thinking about the honeymoon makes me, like, really horny. 363 00:33:26,296 --> 00:33:27,506 Like, a lot. 364 00:33:35,013 --> 00:33:37,850 Wow, you seem tense. 365 00:33:39,226 --> 00:33:40,519 When was the last time... 366 00:33:40,561 --> 00:33:43,063 -...you and Frank were intimate? -It's been a while. 367 00:33:47,776 --> 00:33:49,153 It sure has. 368 00:33:50,529 --> 00:33:54,408 -Is that all you got? -Hold on. 369 00:33:55,909 --> 00:33:59,246 -How do you think it's going? -I think it's going really well. 370 00:33:59,288 --> 00:34:00,497 -You do? -Yeah. 371 00:34:00,539 --> 00:34:04,168 Everyone's getting along famously. Even our dads are hitting it off. 372 00:34:05,335 --> 00:34:07,880 Man, you might wanna put your shirt back on. 373 00:34:31,278 --> 00:34:32,488 Man. 374 00:34:48,378 --> 00:34:50,464 The wedding planner will see you now. 375 00:34:55,177 --> 00:34:56,261 I'm Jell-O. 376 00:34:56,970 --> 00:34:59,223 Please, have a seat. 377 00:35:02,518 --> 00:35:06,563 Now, I'm here to plan your dream wedding. 378 00:35:06,605 --> 00:35:09,024 So tell me what you want. 379 00:35:09,066 --> 00:35:12,027 Well, we want a traditional wedding. 380 00:35:12,069 --> 00:35:14,613 Something simple, yet elegant. 381 00:35:14,655 --> 00:35:16,698 Yo, I know exactly the place. 382 00:35:19,326 --> 00:35:20,452 TACO BUTT 383 00:35:20,494 --> 00:35:22,079 Think outside my buns. 384 00:35:22,329 --> 00:35:25,624 It's not quite what we had in mind. 385 00:35:25,666 --> 00:35:27,751 That's the best I can do on short notice. 386 00:35:27,793 --> 00:35:30,712 You gotta book the caterer, pick a piñata... 387 00:35:30,754 --> 00:35:33,882 -...choose your best man. -I've already taken care of that. 388 00:35:33,924 --> 00:35:36,885 -My best mate, Andy, flew in this morning. -Andy? 389 00:35:36,927 --> 00:35:41,515 Yeah, we'll meet up at the hotel later. I think you two will hit it off tremendously. 390 00:35:41,557 --> 00:35:43,016 I can't wait. 391 00:35:43,058 --> 00:35:46,562 And I can't wait till you see who I booked for the entertainment. 392 00:36:01,660 --> 00:36:03,078 -No! -No! 393 00:36:10,961 --> 00:36:13,922 So where is this best man of yours? 394 00:36:13,964 --> 00:36:16,383 Andy! 395 00:36:26,643 --> 00:36:30,230 -Andy's not a guy? -A guy? Heavens, no. 396 00:36:48,457 --> 00:36:51,126 It's great we've remained so close... 397 00:36:51,168 --> 00:36:53,587 ...even after the engagement fell through. 398 00:36:54,546 --> 00:36:56,548 You two were engaged? 399 00:37:04,431 --> 00:37:05,515 Ages ago. 400 00:37:07,184 --> 00:37:09,394 It was more physical than anything, really. 401 00:37:15,859 --> 00:37:17,736 Just constant sex. 402 00:37:21,782 --> 00:37:22,824 Sex. 403 00:37:23,825 --> 00:37:25,285 Sex. 404 00:37:26,995 --> 00:37:28,830 Sex. Sex. Sex. 405 00:37:28,872 --> 00:37:31,083 Sex. Sex. Sex. 406 00:37:31,124 --> 00:37:32,918 Sex. Sex. Sex. 407 00:37:40,550 --> 00:37:44,930 So, you realized it just wasn't right? 408 00:37:44,972 --> 00:37:47,683 Well, she realized it wasn't right. 409 00:37:47,724 --> 00:37:49,685 She dumped me. 410 00:37:49,726 --> 00:37:51,603 Just wasn't ready to settle down. 411 00:38:13,542 --> 00:38:15,711 Why is she in slow motion? 412 00:38:15,752 --> 00:38:17,337 She likes to make an entrance. 413 00:38:19,423 --> 00:38:20,424 Grant! 414 00:38:29,891 --> 00:38:32,352 This is Julia. 415 00:38:35,772 --> 00:38:39,276 Oh, I have heard so much about you. 416 00:38:40,318 --> 00:38:43,030 Now, Grant told me how attractive you were... 417 00:38:43,071 --> 00:38:46,033 ...but he never mentioned you were flat-chested. 418 00:38:46,074 --> 00:38:48,076 How cute. 419 00:39:00,589 --> 00:39:04,926 Excuse me, while I get out of these wet clothes. 420 00:39:20,650 --> 00:39:22,569 So how did you two meet? 421 00:39:22,611 --> 00:39:24,196 We were in Beverly Hills. 422 00:39:24,488 --> 00:39:25,947 TIFFANY & CO. 423 00:39:25,989 --> 00:39:27,783 GUCCI 424 00:39:27,824 --> 00:39:29,743 BVLGARI 425 00:39:30,702 --> 00:39:32,454 VERSACE LOUIS VUITTON 426 00:39:32,496 --> 00:39:34,039 LV Rodeo Dr 427 00:40:02,692 --> 00:40:06,071 I'll give you $100 for the week. 428 00:40:06,113 --> 00:40:07,614 Sounds quite reasonable. 429 00:40:07,656 --> 00:40:11,118 Okay, this is just too weird. Can we dissolve back now? 430 00:40:11,159 --> 00:40:15,747 And so eventually you got engaged, and then you broke up ages ago. 431 00:40:15,789 --> 00:40:19,209 Sure, if you call three weeks "ages ago." 432 00:40:20,418 --> 00:40:23,046 You were engaged to her three weeks ago? 433 00:40:24,464 --> 00:40:27,801 Honestly, Julia, you have nothing to be jealous about. 434 00:40:28,301 --> 00:40:30,804 Just because I see Grant with another woman... 435 00:40:30,846 --> 00:40:33,181 ...doesn't mean I want him back. 436 00:40:47,320 --> 00:40:48,321 Finger sandwich? 437 00:40:50,657 --> 00:40:53,034 Okay, I'll go first. 438 00:40:53,451 --> 00:40:56,663 Let me say, we don't really need to be here. 439 00:40:56,705 --> 00:41:00,125 -See, we've been dating for five days. -Six. 440 00:41:00,167 --> 00:41:02,752 Five, six days. 441 00:41:03,086 --> 00:41:05,088 And this is like a check-up for us. 442 00:41:05,130 --> 00:41:08,175 There's this huge space between us... 443 00:41:08,216 --> 00:41:12,012 ...and it keeps getting bigger and bigger. 444 00:41:15,098 --> 00:41:16,600 How honest are you with him? 445 00:41:17,726 --> 00:41:19,603 Pretty honest. 446 00:41:19,644 --> 00:41:22,606 I mean, it's not like I lie to him or anything. 447 00:41:23,940 --> 00:41:25,400 I just.... 448 00:41:27,319 --> 00:41:30,197 I mean, I have little secrets. 449 00:41:30,238 --> 00:41:32,532 Everyone has secrets. 450 00:41:34,034 --> 00:41:36,161 I have hepatitis C. 451 00:41:42,542 --> 00:41:44,586 How does that make you feel? 452 00:41:46,588 --> 00:41:48,590 I'm not sure, really. 453 00:41:50,967 --> 00:41:53,845 Let me clarify. I love Julia. 454 00:41:53,887 --> 00:41:58,266 I want her to be happy. 455 00:41:58,308 --> 00:42:01,061 I want good things for her. 456 00:42:01,853 --> 00:42:03,939 But there are times.... 457 00:42:21,039 --> 00:42:22,165 You know? 458 00:42:22,207 --> 00:42:25,126 When she's sleeping, just take a pillow and.... 459 00:42:38,139 --> 00:42:39,266 BEST BRIDE 460 00:42:39,307 --> 00:42:45,480 -Thanks for helping me pick out my dress. -To be honest, I was surprised you called. 461 00:42:45,522 --> 00:42:47,732 Well, you're a part of Grant's life. 462 00:42:47,774 --> 00:42:50,986 And that means you're a part of my life too. 463 00:42:51,903 --> 00:42:55,240 You look like a princess. 464 00:43:00,704 --> 00:43:03,206 You don't think it's a bit too much? 465 00:43:03,248 --> 00:43:05,208 Oh, not at all. 466 00:43:05,250 --> 00:43:07,502 I'll go get some pins to fit it. 467 00:43:35,322 --> 00:43:38,325 Why do you insist on dressing me in these fruity outfits? 468 00:43:38,366 --> 00:43:40,910 I'm gonna take this lollipop and shove it up your ass. 469 00:43:42,495 --> 00:43:44,789 I can hear everyone's thoughts! 470 00:43:44,831 --> 00:43:48,043 I love Puerto Rican men. They're spicy. 471 00:43:48,543 --> 00:43:52,213 It's like I'm trapped in a bad Mel Gibson movie. 472 00:43:52,255 --> 00:43:56,551 What the hell was I thinking? He's a freaking backup dancer. 473 00:43:57,093 --> 00:43:59,554 Dude, I married Britney Spears. 474 00:44:00,472 --> 00:44:01,681 I'm rich! 475 00:44:01,723 --> 00:44:05,226 I'm rich, beeyotch! Rich! 476 00:44:05,268 --> 00:44:07,145 Is the bride-to-be ready? 477 00:44:07,187 --> 00:44:09,230 Bride-to-be? Shit. 478 00:44:09,272 --> 00:44:10,774 Not if I can help it. 479 00:44:11,399 --> 00:44:13,902 I've got 24 hours to break up this wedding. 480 00:44:13,943 --> 00:44:15,153 No. 481 00:44:15,195 --> 00:44:16,196 Yes. 482 00:44:17,238 --> 00:44:20,283 I'll turn Grant against you and make him love me again. 483 00:44:20,325 --> 00:44:22,577 Me, me, me! 484 00:44:23,078 --> 00:44:24,746 Stay away from me. 485 00:45:53,126 --> 00:45:55,170 What is it now? 486 00:45:55,211 --> 00:45:59,924 Grant's got an ex-fiancée. And she has a thing for him, I just know it. 487 00:45:59,966 --> 00:46:02,510 And they have this long, romantic history. 488 00:46:03,303 --> 00:46:05,972 How can I measure up to that? 489 00:46:06,014 --> 00:46:07,849 Skimpy Bikini Illustrated The Swimsuit Issue That Self Combusts 490 00:46:07,891 --> 00:46:09,642 You can't. She's fine as hell. 491 00:46:11,102 --> 00:46:12,937 I would tear that shit up! 492 00:46:13,855 --> 00:46:17,442 You know, everything was going so well until she turns up. 493 00:46:17,484 --> 00:46:20,528 Look, he's not with Andy anymore. He's with you. 494 00:46:20,570 --> 00:46:23,990 You gotta put aside your insecurities. It'll all work out. 495 00:46:24,032 --> 00:46:27,285 -Do you really believe that? -No. But my white customers do. 496 00:46:31,664 --> 00:46:34,042 Look, I believe in you and Grant. 497 00:46:34,083 --> 00:46:37,170 And before you know it, you'll be walking down the aisle. 498 00:46:37,420 --> 00:46:39,756 And saying our vows. 499 00:46:39,797 --> 00:46:42,133 And our first dance. 500 00:46:42,175 --> 00:46:45,053 Starting the fire. Starting the fire. Starting the fire. 501 00:46:45,094 --> 00:46:48,181 The Q-Tip. The Q-Tip. The Q-Tip. 502 00:46:48,223 --> 00:46:50,016 Throw it away. Throw it away. 503 00:46:50,058 --> 00:46:51,518 You call that dancing? 504 00:46:52,477 --> 00:46:53,603 No. 505 00:46:55,230 --> 00:46:58,942 You see this? This is where you live, right here. 506 00:46:58,983 --> 00:47:00,985 This is your home. 507 00:47:01,569 --> 00:47:03,154 Well, how about this? 508 00:47:11,204 --> 00:47:12,872 That bitch be krumping! 509 00:47:33,059 --> 00:47:34,477 It's okay. 510 00:47:34,519 --> 00:47:37,272 It's okay. She's never gonna break us up. 511 00:47:37,313 --> 00:47:40,483 Grant and I just have to get through the rehearsal dinner... 512 00:47:40,525 --> 00:47:43,403 ...and then tomorrow's the big day. 513 00:47:43,444 --> 00:47:47,824 Once we're married, everything will be perfect. 514 00:47:47,865 --> 00:47:48,950 Who are you kidding? 515 00:47:50,910 --> 00:47:54,163 Grant's never gonna marry you. You're not good enough. 516 00:47:54,205 --> 00:47:56,291 He's meant to be with Andy. 517 00:47:56,332 --> 00:47:58,501 -Don't say that! -This is who you really are. 518 00:47:58,543 --> 00:48:01,337 Worst Foods Mayonnaise 519 00:48:01,379 --> 00:48:03,131 You're a frump girl. 520 00:48:03,673 --> 00:48:07,760 You may look different, but inside you'll always be me. 521 00:48:07,802 --> 00:48:09,512 No, please, stop. 522 00:48:10,179 --> 00:48:13,308 You'll be stuck in that diner till the end of time. 523 00:48:14,100 --> 00:48:16,102 I don't believe you. 524 00:48:18,354 --> 00:48:19,981 True love is a myth. 525 00:48:20,023 --> 00:48:22,191 You better hurry up and marry Nicky... 526 00:48:22,233 --> 00:48:24,777 ...before you end up a fat, dusty old maid. 527 00:48:24,819 --> 00:48:26,112 Never! 528 00:48:26,154 --> 00:48:27,447 You'll see. 529 00:48:32,285 --> 00:48:34,454 GREEK DINER 530 00:48:36,581 --> 00:48:38,291 Quiet, everyone. Quiet. 531 00:48:38,333 --> 00:48:40,460 Roz has a few words to say. 532 00:48:40,501 --> 00:48:43,171 Oh, thank you, hon. 533 00:48:45,840 --> 00:48:48,217 I would like to make a toast. 534 00:48:48,718 --> 00:48:50,637 To Grant and Julia. 535 00:48:51,346 --> 00:48:53,931 Yeah! What? 536 00:48:53,973 --> 00:48:56,976 Okay! Get crunk! 537 00:48:57,018 --> 00:48:58,436 Get crunked! 538 00:49:20,375 --> 00:49:21,376 You like it? 539 00:49:22,543 --> 00:49:25,213 You look ravishing. 540 00:49:27,507 --> 00:49:29,467 What? What's wrong? 541 00:49:30,176 --> 00:49:35,431 Grant, your whole courtship has been rocky to say the least. 542 00:49:36,683 --> 00:49:41,062 I just hope you're not rushing into this marriage with Julia... 543 00:49:41,771 --> 00:49:44,691 ...as a way of getting over me. 544 00:49:45,358 --> 00:49:46,651 I.... 545 00:50:04,252 --> 00:50:06,003 Oh, dear God. 546 00:50:06,462 --> 00:50:07,463 A carousel. 547 00:50:11,050 --> 00:50:13,386 I.... I better get back. 548 00:50:22,103 --> 00:50:25,523 Grant, this is our rehearsal dinner. 549 00:50:25,565 --> 00:50:27,692 We're getting married tomorrow. 550 00:50:29,444 --> 00:50:32,613 I need to know, do you still have feelings for Andy? 551 00:50:33,656 --> 00:50:35,032 Of course not. 552 00:50:36,284 --> 00:50:37,869 I trust you. 553 00:50:37,910 --> 00:50:39,912 I just don't want to get hurt. 554 00:50:40,580 --> 00:50:42,290 You have nothing to worry about. 555 00:50:43,332 --> 00:50:45,042 I'm devoted to you. 556 00:50:45,835 --> 00:50:46,961 Forever. 557 00:50:48,463 --> 00:50:51,382 The moment I saw you 558 00:50:52,967 --> 00:50:56,596 Before I proposed to you 559 00:50:57,513 --> 00:51:00,558 We said a little prayer for you 560 00:51:02,143 --> 00:51:05,313 While combing my hair now 561 00:51:05,354 --> 00:51:08,816 You're wondering what's Under my dress now 562 00:51:08,858 --> 00:51:12,361 -We said a little prayer for you -We said a little prayer for you 563 00:51:12,403 --> 00:51:15,323 Forever, forever He gives you his heart 564 00:51:15,364 --> 00:51:16,616 And he loves you 565 00:51:16,657 --> 00:51:19,410 Forever and ever You'll never break up 566 00:51:19,452 --> 00:51:20,661 Divorce will cost you 567 00:51:20,703 --> 00:51:23,498 Together, together That's how it must be 568 00:51:23,539 --> 00:51:24,665 For this love story 569 00:51:24,707 --> 00:51:28,252 Screw Grant She must marry Nicky 570 00:51:30,379 --> 00:51:34,008 I really do love you, dear 571 00:51:34,050 --> 00:51:37,386 But Andy keeps whispering in his ear 572 00:51:37,428 --> 00:51:39,764 We'll say a little prayer for you 573 00:51:41,599 --> 00:51:43,810 Grant and I will get hitched 574 00:51:44,519 --> 00:51:48,022 If we survive my family And that scheming bitch 575 00:51:48,064 --> 00:51:51,275 We'll say a little prayer for you 576 00:51:51,317 --> 00:51:54,278 Forever, forever He gives you his heart 577 00:51:54,320 --> 00:51:55,738 And he loves you 578 00:51:55,780 --> 00:51:58,491 Forever and ever You'll never break up 579 00:51:58,533 --> 00:51:59,992 Divorce will cost you 580 00:52:00,034 --> 00:52:02,537 Together, together That's how it must be 581 00:52:02,578 --> 00:52:03,830 For this love story 582 00:52:03,871 --> 00:52:07,667 I have one night to stop this wedding 583 00:52:09,502 --> 00:52:11,838 My daughter get busy 584 00:52:11,879 --> 00:52:13,089 -Get busy -Get busy 585 00:52:13,130 --> 00:52:16,551 Just back that thing up 586 00:52:16,592 --> 00:52:19,846 He'll be true 587 00:52:19,887 --> 00:52:21,305 Please, love me too 588 00:52:21,347 --> 00:52:22,974 Answer his prayers 589 00:52:23,015 --> 00:52:25,142 Try position 22 590 00:52:25,184 --> 00:52:27,270 Getting your swerve on, baby 591 00:52:28,062 --> 00:52:29,605 Answer his prayers 592 00:52:29,647 --> 00:52:32,400 Forever, forever He gives you his heart 593 00:52:32,441 --> 00:52:33,651 And he loves you 594 00:52:33,693 --> 00:52:36,529 Forever and ever You'll never break up 595 00:52:36,571 --> 00:52:37,989 Divorce will cost you 596 00:52:38,030 --> 00:52:40,658 Together, together That's how it must be 597 00:52:40,700 --> 00:52:42,118 For this love story 598 00:52:42,159 --> 00:52:46,455 Will the ending be good or crappy? 599 00:53:06,434 --> 00:53:08,019 No! 600 00:53:08,060 --> 00:53:11,355 Not a zit on my wedding day. 601 00:53:11,397 --> 00:53:12,982 No. 602 00:53:35,254 --> 00:53:37,506 Saint Sophia Community Church JONES FOCKYERDODER WEDDING 603 00:53:38,215 --> 00:53:39,884 Where the hell is Julia? 604 00:53:40,468 --> 00:53:41,761 SHE'S LATE 605 00:53:41,802 --> 00:53:46,390 Grant, I wouldn't be your best man unless I told you this. 606 00:53:47,141 --> 00:53:49,018 Julia doesn't deserve you. 607 00:53:50,102 --> 00:53:51,604 Oh, come on. 608 00:53:51,646 --> 00:53:53,522 She's an hour late for her own wedding. 609 00:53:54,607 --> 00:53:58,110 Maybe she's got cold feet because she knows it's not right between you two. 610 00:54:01,489 --> 00:54:03,199 Do you ever think about us? 611 00:54:04,158 --> 00:54:07,119 -Yeah. -Me too. 612 00:54:10,957 --> 00:54:12,333 My grandmother's ring. 613 00:54:12,375 --> 00:54:15,336 She gave you this ring on her deathbed and made you promise... 614 00:54:15,378 --> 00:54:18,965 ...to give it to the woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. 615 00:54:19,006 --> 00:54:20,466 You gave it to me. 616 00:54:25,221 --> 00:54:26,847 My grandfather's toe ring. 617 00:54:26,889 --> 00:54:29,350 And didn't he give you this ring on his deathbed... 618 00:54:29,392 --> 00:54:33,020 ...and make you promise to give it to the woman you'd cherish forever? 619 00:54:34,105 --> 00:54:36,983 You gave that to me too. 620 00:54:38,109 --> 00:54:39,568 Julia-- 621 00:54:39,610 --> 00:54:42,488 She's just the rebound girl. 622 00:54:42,530 --> 00:54:46,325 I'm ready to take you back. Choose me. Marry me. 623 00:54:47,743 --> 00:54:52,456 Andy, I just don't feel the same way about you anymore. 624 00:54:52,498 --> 00:54:53,582 Julia's the one. 625 00:54:55,876 --> 00:54:58,295 Then one last kiss. 626 00:55:08,764 --> 00:55:10,016 Julia, no. 627 00:55:21,444 --> 00:55:22,653 Julia Please Take me back! 628 00:55:24,530 --> 00:55:26,449 I FXXXED UP BIG TIME 629 00:55:28,075 --> 00:55:29,702 I'M A JERK 630 00:55:32,538 --> 00:55:34,165 ...A REAL ASSHOLE... 631 00:56:18,918 --> 00:56:21,962 Shut up! It's 4 in the morning! 632 00:56:22,004 --> 00:56:23,798 Asshole! 633 00:56:24,340 --> 00:56:26,759 Turn that crap off! 634 00:56:34,642 --> 00:56:37,686 I'm trying to watch Desperate Housewives. 635 00:56:39,021 --> 00:56:41,607 It's called an iPod, get one! 636 00:56:49,406 --> 00:56:52,535 Lonely Woman Dinner 637 00:57:19,603 --> 00:57:20,938 Jinxers? 638 00:57:43,669 --> 00:57:44,795 DINER 639 00:57:44,837 --> 00:57:46,380 Julia. 640 00:57:51,302 --> 00:57:53,762 Let's get you out of that funk. 641 00:58:06,692 --> 00:58:11,405 Julia, will you marry me? 642 00:58:15,159 --> 00:58:16,410 Please? 643 00:58:20,664 --> 00:58:23,209 -That was good, right? -Yeah. 644 00:58:24,126 --> 00:58:26,503 I know Nicky's a little rough around the edges... 645 00:58:27,171 --> 00:58:29,465 ...but give him a chance. 646 00:58:30,966 --> 00:58:34,678 You know, when your mother and I first got married we barely knew each other. 647 00:58:34,720 --> 00:58:36,555 I was a mail-order bride... 648 00:58:36,597 --> 00:58:38,599 ...could barely speak the English language. 649 00:58:39,225 --> 00:58:42,478 -Dad, you're from Jersey. -I'm trying to make a point here. 650 00:58:43,062 --> 00:58:45,439 At first, Linda and I couldn't get along. 651 00:58:45,481 --> 00:58:49,026 But we grew to understand and even respect each other. 652 00:58:49,902 --> 00:58:52,613 I'm proud to say we've been married for 30 years... 653 00:58:52,655 --> 00:58:56,575 ...and I have you and your sister to show for it. 654 00:58:57,243 --> 00:59:00,537 Now, maybe that's not the fairy tale you dream of... 655 00:59:00,579 --> 00:59:02,665 ...but that's real life. 656 00:59:03,374 --> 00:59:04,625 So, what do you say? 657 00:59:07,836 --> 00:59:10,839 I've been fooling myself all along. 658 00:59:10,881 --> 00:59:13,425 There is no Prince Charming. 659 00:59:14,051 --> 00:59:18,472 And true love is something that only exists in the movies. 660 00:59:21,850 --> 00:59:23,769 Okay, Dad. 661 00:59:23,811 --> 00:59:25,187 I'll marry Nicky. 662 00:59:27,731 --> 00:59:28,899 Back to work. 663 00:59:32,319 --> 00:59:35,030 JUSTICE OF THE PEACE 664 00:59:51,297 --> 00:59:52,298 You're crying. 665 00:59:54,174 --> 00:59:56,677 Tears of joy, Dad. 666 01:00:02,808 --> 01:00:05,269 Thanks, Frank. I'll take it from here. 667 01:00:07,938 --> 01:00:10,399 We are gathered here to join this man... 668 01:00:10,441 --> 01:00:13,652 ...and this woman in holy matrimony. 669 01:00:14,194 --> 01:00:18,324 Marriage is a contract that should not be taken lightly. 670 01:00:18,365 --> 01:00:22,828 It must be honored by two people who are truly in love. 671 01:01:08,165 --> 01:01:09,792 DA SHIZNIT 672 01:01:26,016 --> 01:01:29,436 If anyone has any reason why these two should not be married... 673 01:01:29,478 --> 01:01:32,815 ...speak now or forever hold your peace. 674 01:01:43,992 --> 01:01:46,120 -I object. -Thank God. 675 01:01:50,999 --> 01:01:53,335 This isn't what you wanted. 676 01:01:54,128 --> 01:01:55,295 It's what I wanted. 677 01:01:56,797 --> 01:01:59,800 I was wrong about Grant. He's a good man. 678 01:01:59,842 --> 01:02:02,302 He even liked you when you were butt-ugly. 679 01:02:02,344 --> 01:02:04,471 -How do you--? -I saw it in your flashback. 680 01:02:04,513 --> 01:02:07,015 You and Grant were meant to be together. 681 01:02:07,057 --> 01:02:08,976 I don't know. 682 01:02:09,017 --> 01:02:10,394 You need to read this. 683 01:02:13,730 --> 01:02:15,190 How to Lose a Girl in 10 Days 684 01:02:15,232 --> 01:02:16,692 My darling Julia, I'm sorry. 685 01:02:16,733 --> 01:02:18,735 So sorry. 686 01:02:18,777 --> 01:02:21,488 So very, very sorry. 687 01:02:22,364 --> 01:02:25,075 And yet "sorry" seems to be the hardest word to say. 688 01:02:25,993 --> 01:02:29,621 If you can ever forgive me, and you're ready to make that leap... 689 01:02:29,663 --> 01:02:32,583 ...I promise I'll be there to catch you. 690 01:02:32,624 --> 01:02:35,127 If you still love me the way I love you... 691 01:02:35,169 --> 01:02:38,505 ...then meet me where Meg Ryan met Tom Hanks. 692 01:02:38,547 --> 01:02:40,007 On the Internet? 693 01:02:40,048 --> 01:02:42,759 No, not in You've Got Mail, in Sleepless in Seattle. 694 01:02:43,677 --> 01:02:47,931 Right. The observation deck of the Empire State Building. 695 01:02:47,973 --> 01:02:49,349 But how do I get there? 696 01:02:49,391 --> 01:02:52,561 I'll MapQuest directions and IM it to your BlackBerry. 697 01:02:52,603 --> 01:02:55,689 But I only have a T-Mobile Sidekick. 698 01:02:55,731 --> 01:02:57,608 You can borrow my Treo 650. 699 01:02:59,943 --> 01:03:02,613 How about we just meet where we had our first date? 700 01:03:02,654 --> 01:03:04,364 A Restaurant? 701 01:03:04,406 --> 01:03:06,742 But that's way uptown. Traffic's a nightmare. 702 01:03:07,868 --> 01:03:09,953 The rooftop of your apartment building? 703 01:03:09,995 --> 01:03:11,955 Okay, great. 704 01:03:13,081 --> 01:03:15,083 This issue's six months old. 705 01:03:15,125 --> 01:03:16,793 I hope he's still waiting. 706 01:03:16,835 --> 01:03:19,046 He'd be a fool not to wait for my daughter. 707 01:03:19,087 --> 01:03:22,257 -Go get him, baby. -Thanks, Dad. 708 01:03:44,238 --> 01:03:46,156 Taxi, taxi! 709 01:03:46,198 --> 01:03:47,199 Taxi! 710 01:03:50,953 --> 01:03:52,746 GIVE UP HONEY... SHE AIN'T COMING! 711 01:03:53,121 --> 01:03:54,957 Let's go, someone! 712 01:03:54,998 --> 01:03:56,124 Someone, please help! 713 01:03:56,166 --> 01:03:58,752 Trick, you getting on my nerves. 714 01:03:58,794 --> 01:04:00,587 I need to get across town fast. 715 01:04:09,972 --> 01:04:11,181 I owe you. 716 01:04:11,223 --> 01:04:13,892 Damn straight! I'm Hitch, bitch. 717 01:04:49,928 --> 01:04:52,139 Come on. Open up. 718 01:05:00,522 --> 01:05:01,940 Please. 719 01:05:01,982 --> 01:05:04,151 Oh, please. 720 01:05:44,941 --> 01:05:46,526 He's mine! 721 01:05:47,778 --> 01:05:49,946 Keep your damn hands off my man. 722 01:06:17,391 --> 01:06:18,975 I'm too late. 723 01:06:20,352 --> 01:06:21,895 Julia! 724 01:06:35,534 --> 01:06:38,120 What happens after the prince rescues the princess? 725 01:06:38,787 --> 01:06:41,206 She rescues him right back. 726 01:06:42,124 --> 01:06:44,668 You make me want to be a better man. 727 01:06:45,961 --> 01:06:47,921 You had me at hello. 728 01:06:48,630 --> 01:06:53,093 I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy... 729 01:06:53,135 --> 01:06:55,971 ...asking him to love her. 730 01:07:36,303 --> 01:07:39,431 What? I'm also an ordained minister. 731 01:07:46,688 --> 01:07:51,109 By the powers vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. 732 01:07:51,151 --> 01:07:52,778 Show her some love, man. 733 01:08:13,882 --> 01:08:15,592 Bravo! 734 01:08:41,993 --> 01:08:43,578 Julia. 735 01:08:44,246 --> 01:08:46,164 This is for you. 736 01:08:50,669 --> 01:08:52,963 It's a vaginal thermometer. 737 01:08:54,464 --> 01:08:57,300 It lets you know when you're ovulating. 738 01:08:57,342 --> 01:08:59,469 It's been in our family for generations. 739 01:08:59,511 --> 01:09:02,848 And if you want to keep it our lucky thermometer, don't ever wash it. 740 01:09:09,187 --> 01:09:10,522 -Julia. -Dad. 741 01:09:13,441 --> 01:09:15,986 You're gonna have to find a new waitress. 742 01:09:16,945 --> 01:09:18,363 It's about time. 743 01:09:25,120 --> 01:09:26,454 Come here. 744 01:09:28,915 --> 01:09:30,250 Hey. 745 01:09:31,126 --> 01:09:32,919 Take care of my daughter. 746 01:09:35,505 --> 01:09:37,632 All right. 747 01:09:37,674 --> 01:09:40,927 Goodbye! Best of luck. 748 01:09:52,689 --> 01:09:55,984 Hey, is it too late to crash the Fockyerdoder wedding? 749 01:09:57,360 --> 01:09:58,486 Bye. 750 01:09:58,528 --> 01:10:01,406 And we lived happily ever after. 751 01:10:01,448 --> 01:10:02,574 JULIA JONES'S Diary 752 01:10:02,616 --> 01:10:06,161 But not before we went on our honeymoon to romantic Kong Island. 753 01:10:21,384 --> 01:10:24,846 Help! Please, help me! 754 01:10:32,896 --> 01:10:34,439 Help! 755 01:10:34,481 --> 01:10:36,608 Keep the camera rolling. 756 01:10:36,650 --> 01:10:38,610 Oh, God. 757 01:10:38,652 --> 01:10:42,072 Help! Please. 758 01:10:44,783 --> 01:10:47,494 No. No. 759 01:10:53,291 --> 01:10:54,793 Carmen Electra. 760 01:10:54,834 --> 01:10:58,129 Carmen Electra! Carmen Electra! 761 01:10:58,171 --> 01:11:01,716 Carmen Electra! Carmen Electra! 762 01:11:01,758 --> 01:11:04,302 That feels kind of good. 763 01:11:04,344 --> 01:11:06,012 A little kinky. 764 01:11:08,056 --> 01:11:10,767 Oh, yeah. 765 01:11:11,851 --> 01:11:13,728 BIG ASS DRINK 766 01:11:14,729 --> 01:11:16,272 I like hairy boys. 767 01:11:40,714 --> 01:11:42,924 Yes! Yes! 768 01:11:45,760 --> 01:11:46,970 Yes! 769 01:11:47,012 --> 01:11:48,430 Yes! 770 01:11:48,471 --> 01:11:49,889 Beautiful. 771 01:11:49,931 --> 01:11:51,349 Yes, drink it. 772 01:11:51,391 --> 01:11:54,060 Tell you, you're gonna love that. 773 01:11:54,102 --> 01:11:56,980 Is that Cos' hand on your booty? 774 01:12:01,860 --> 01:12:03,445 Cut it. 775 01:12:05,238 --> 01:12:07,198 I'm kind of an amateur tennis player... 776 01:12:07,240 --> 01:12:09,868 ...and I was playing and it was a drizzly day... 777 01:12:09,909 --> 01:12:13,955 ...and Roz came down and volunteered to hold my balls and keep them dry. 778 01:12:13,997 --> 01:12:15,915 -His balls-- -We got rained out anyway. 779 01:12:15,957 --> 01:12:18,918 His balls are always wet, whether it's raining or not. 780 01:12:30,680 --> 01:12:33,475 Hey, is it too late for one more parody? 781 01:12:34,934 --> 01:12:40,106 It's on the Hudson with breathtaking views of the skyline. 782 01:12:41,816 --> 01:12:43,818 Yeah! What? 783 01:12:43,860 --> 01:12:45,403 Okay! 784 01:12:45,445 --> 01:12:46,863 Get crunk! 785 01:12:46,905 --> 01:12:49,532 We say a little prayer for you. 786 01:13:18,353 --> 01:13:19,521 Infantilism. 787 01:14:36,514 --> 01:14:38,808 How often do you have sex? 788 01:14:39,350 --> 01:14:41,269 I don't understand the question. 789 01:14:41,311 --> 01:14:43,688 I mean, it's a PG-13 movie. 790 01:14:43,730 --> 01:14:47,442 We're limited to very mild sexual content. 791 01:14:47,483 --> 01:14:49,819 Above the waist... 792 01:14:50,653 --> 01:14:54,574 -...over the shirts, no tongues. -No tongue. 793 01:14:54,616 --> 01:14:56,743 How about this week? 794 01:14:59,537 --> 01:15:01,080 A hundred and twenty-seven. 51306

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