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Idiot. Hell, no, I won't marry you. Gosh!
4
00:00:59,268 --> 00:01:02,480
What would you do if you were
in a situation like this? Gosh!
5
00:01:02,521 --> 00:01:05,274
Gosh! Gosh! Gosh!
6
00:01:05,316 --> 00:01:06,317
DON'T VOTE FOR PEDRO
7
00:01:21,999 --> 00:01:23,375
JULIA JONES'S
Diary
8
00:01:28,631 --> 00:01:30,591
Dear Diary, I had that nightmare again.
9
00:01:30,633 --> 00:01:34,136
weight 389 lbs. cigarettes 1,42 per day
Alcohol units - Tara Reid status
10
00:01:34,178 --> 00:01:35,679
I fear I'll never get married.
11
00:01:36,138 --> 00:01:37,264
L
12
00:01:37,306 --> 00:01:41,060
Maybe I am destined
to be a sad old spinster...
13
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:45,272
...whose only companionship comes from
an absurd amount of cats.
14
00:01:59,495 --> 00:02:01,789
No, that won't be me!
15
00:02:01,831 --> 00:02:03,582
I believe in true love.
16
00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:07,837
My knight in shining armor
is out there somewhere...
17
00:02:07,878 --> 00:02:10,172
...and I'm gonna find him.
18
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:42,282
Oh, shit.
19
00:04:46,704 --> 00:04:48,330
GREEK DINER
20
00:05:03,137 --> 00:05:04,555
Hi, Dad.
21
00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:06,473
Look here, Julia.
22
00:05:06,515 --> 00:05:08,559
When you gonna find a man
and get married?
23
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,562
You looking old, fat, and saggy.
24
00:05:12,396 --> 00:05:16,358
And the mole on your forearm,
it's growing a mole.
25
00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:19,695
Let's put some hummus on it.
26
00:05:19,737 --> 00:05:21,113
Cures everything.
27
00:05:23,615 --> 00:05:25,617
Baby, you gotta find a man.
28
00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:28,245
In our race to protect our
Greek heritage--
29
00:05:28,287 --> 00:05:31,498
Yes, yes, yes. And my heritage too.
30
00:05:31,540 --> 00:05:34,501
Let us not forget,
you're also one half Indian.
31
00:05:34,543 --> 00:05:39,715
-Your mother's right.
-Big sister, we also Japanese.
32
00:05:39,757 --> 00:05:40,758
And Jewish.
33
00:05:41,258 --> 00:05:46,180
So you're telling me I have to marry a guy
who's a Greek-Indian-Japanese-Jew?
34
00:05:46,221 --> 00:05:50,601
Baby, you're acting like that's hard to find.
I mean, look around. They everywhere.
35
00:05:55,314 --> 00:05:58,150
Nicky. Nicky!
36
00:05:58,192 --> 00:05:59,443
You're Greek, right?
37
00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:04,073
Yeah. And Indian and Japanese
and a Jew.
38
00:06:05,991 --> 00:06:08,160
You wanna go out with my daughter?
39
00:06:08,202 --> 00:06:10,579
No, I don't like redheads. Sorry.
40
00:06:16,460 --> 00:06:20,589
Dad, I know I'm no beauty,
but I'm not gonna settle.
41
00:06:20,631 --> 00:06:25,385
I respect our heritage,
but I believe love is blind.
42
00:06:26,261 --> 00:06:30,265
Somewhere out there is my true love.
43
00:06:30,307 --> 00:06:32,434
No! Back to work.
44
00:06:35,604 --> 00:06:37,189
Coffee?
45
00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:43,403
-More coffee?
-Excellent.
46
00:06:43,445 --> 00:06:45,447
Jolly good. I quite fancy some...
47
00:06:49,493 --> 00:06:52,454
...more coffee, actually.
48
00:06:54,790 --> 00:06:56,333
Pick up.
49
00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:01,046
Pick up! Pick up!
50
00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:02,548
-Okay.
-Pick up!
51
00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:04,591
I'm coming.
52
00:07:26,655 --> 00:07:29,658
hitch Feeling all alone?
hitch'll find you someone to bone
53
00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:36,331
HITCH - DATE DOCTOR
M.D., Ph.D., DDS...OBGYN
54
00:07:42,171 --> 00:07:44,381
Oh, hell, no!
55
00:07:44,423 --> 00:07:47,467
-You're Hitch?
-You got a problem with that?
56
00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:50,220
Please, I'm desperate.
57
00:07:51,096 --> 00:07:54,308
Even I can't help you,
and I found Star Jones a husband.
58
00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:03,233
Shit. Come on in.
59
00:08:03,859 --> 00:08:06,862
Thanks for seeing me.
I heard you're the best.
60
00:08:06,904 --> 00:08:08,655
You're goddamn right I'm the best!
61
00:08:08,697 --> 00:08:11,241
Look at all the couples
I'm responsible for.
62
00:08:11,283 --> 00:08:13,660
You got Brad and Jen.
63
00:08:13,702 --> 00:08:14,995
Jessica and Nick.
64
00:08:15,037 --> 00:08:16,371
Ben and Gwyn.
65
00:08:16,413 --> 00:08:17,623
Ben and Jen.
66
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:18,957
Ben and Jen.
67
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:20,167
Ben and Matt.
68
00:08:20,209 --> 00:08:21,460
Whitney and Bobby.
69
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:22,878
Kobe and Shaq.
70
00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:24,296
Ellen and Anne.
71
00:08:24,338 --> 00:08:25,672
Yeah, I do them too.
72
00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:29,635
Well, there's this guy at the diner
where I work.
73
00:08:30,344 --> 00:08:32,971
We had this moment.
74
00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:34,514
What happened?
75
00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:37,601
I turned around and he was gone.
76
00:08:37,643 --> 00:08:39,978
He probably got a good look
at your mug and ran.
77
00:08:41,563 --> 00:08:46,109
Why don't we broaden the search
from that one guy to just any nigga?
78
00:08:46,902 --> 00:08:48,862
-Okay.
-Eight out of ten guys believe...
79
00:08:48,904 --> 00:08:53,116
...the first kiss will tell them everything
they need to know about a relationship.
80
00:08:53,158 --> 00:08:56,036
So before we get started,
let's see what you got.
81
00:09:03,418 --> 00:09:05,587
Stinky. You got the dragon.
82
00:09:12,386 --> 00:09:14,137
You got a little something in there.
83
00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:28,735
A whole wing?
84
00:09:30,112 --> 00:09:33,824
Extra crispy? Goddamn!
85
00:09:55,679 --> 00:09:57,389
Good gracious!
86
00:10:00,684 --> 00:10:03,103
Off of me, trick! What are you, hungry?
87
00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:12,696
I'm hopeless.
88
00:10:15,490 --> 00:10:17,951
I'm never gonna meet
my Prince Charming.
89
00:10:18,702 --> 00:10:19,828
I got it.
90
00:10:25,417 --> 00:10:28,420
-A reality dating show?
-Says here you can meet your dream man.
91
00:10:28,462 --> 00:10:30,130
Extreme BACHELOR
DESPERATE EDITION
92
00:10:30,172 --> 00:10:32,883
It also says you have to be beautiful.
93
00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:37,220
Well, you're beautiful-ish.
94
00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:40,807
Come on, Hitch.
The only way I could get on that show...
95
00:10:40,849 --> 00:10:43,769
...is if you magically turn me
into a princess.
96
00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:47,731
Let's roll.
97
00:10:54,279 --> 00:10:55,447
Yo, fellas.
98
00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:57,115
West Side Custom
WSC
99
00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:02,412
Time to pimp her out.
100
00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:17,904
Hey, hey.
101
00:12:23,994 --> 00:12:25,579
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
102
00:12:47,309 --> 00:12:49,311
Worst Foods
Mayonnaise
103
00:13:03,158 --> 00:13:05,619
Whoa, you officially pimped out.
104
00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:14,628
All right, girl. Now you're good to go.
105
00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:22,511
Ladies, good evening.
106
00:13:22,552 --> 00:13:26,556
And welcome to
The Extreme Bachelor, Desperate Edition.
107
00:13:27,182 --> 00:13:29,100
By the end of tonight's episode...
108
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:32,896
...one of you lucky ladies will be chosen
by the bachelor...
109
00:13:32,938 --> 00:13:35,065
...to go on a dream date.
110
00:13:35,899 --> 00:13:37,275
So let's meet him.
111
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:40,820
He's a doctor who gets a lot of tail.
112
00:13:41,780 --> 00:13:46,159
Ladies, may I introduce the bachelor?
113
00:13:55,877 --> 00:13:57,504
-Hi. Lovely to meet you.
-Hi.
114
00:13:57,546 --> 00:13:58,838
Hello, I'm Grant.
115
00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:00,006
-Hi.
-Hi.
116
00:14:00,048 --> 00:14:01,800
-I'm Grant.
-Hi, Grant.
117
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:02,884
Nice to meet you.
118
00:14:07,097 --> 00:14:08,265
I'm Julia.
119
00:14:08,765 --> 00:14:10,267
Pleasure.
120
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:15,230
Now, Grant, the elimination round.
121
00:14:15,272 --> 00:14:18,733
Essentially nixing the girls
you don't want to bang.
122
00:14:19,317 --> 00:14:20,944
Who's going to be eliminated?
123
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:41,881
Nice aim, Grant. Good eye.
124
00:14:54,728 --> 00:14:56,896
Julia, will you accept this rose?
125
00:14:57,564 --> 00:14:58,857
Yes.
126
00:15:27,677 --> 00:15:29,596
Guys, congratulations.
127
00:15:29,638 --> 00:15:33,683
You have won a dinner for two
at A Restaurant.
128
00:15:33,725 --> 00:15:35,602
A Restaurant!
129
00:15:39,314 --> 00:15:40,774
Thanks!
130
00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:44,110
A Restaurant
131
00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:47,405
Oh, yeah, that's it.
132
00:15:48,323 --> 00:15:49,824
Oh, God.
133
00:15:52,494 --> 00:15:54,329
Oh, yeah.
134
00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:56,998
Yeah.
135
00:15:57,999 --> 00:15:59,376
Yeah.
136
00:15:59,417 --> 00:16:01,086
Yes!
137
00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:03,296
Yes!
138
00:16:03,338 --> 00:16:05,423
Yes!
139
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:07,467
Oh, yeah.
140
00:16:07,509 --> 00:16:09,386
Oh, yes!
141
00:16:09,427 --> 00:16:11,096
Oh, yeah!
142
00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:14,974
Yes! Yes! Yes!
143
00:16:15,016 --> 00:16:18,353
Yes! Yes! Yes!
144
00:16:18,395 --> 00:16:22,565
Yes! Yes! Yes!
145
00:16:26,361 --> 00:16:28,196
Yes! Yes!
146
00:16:29,531 --> 00:16:31,157
Yes!
147
00:16:37,956 --> 00:16:39,833
Oh, God.
148
00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:42,168
Gosh.
149
00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:44,587
So you're saying
you do want the pork chops?
150
00:16:44,629 --> 00:16:46,089
-Yes, please.
-Okay.
151
00:16:46,131 --> 00:16:48,258
I'll have what he's having.
152
00:16:48,299 --> 00:16:50,510
So tell me about you.
153
00:16:50,552 --> 00:16:53,054
Oh, I'm just a waitress.
154
00:16:53,722 --> 00:16:57,225
But I want to go to school
to be a pastry chef.
155
00:16:57,267 --> 00:17:00,478
Oh, hi. My name is Julia Jones.
156
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:04,232
And for my admissions essay,
I'm gonna show all of you at Harvard...
157
00:17:04,274 --> 00:17:08,278
...why I would make
an amazing pastry chef.
158
00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:13,742
JULIA GONE WILD
159
00:17:14,117 --> 00:17:15,869
What a coincidence.
160
00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:17,787
I love pie.
161
00:17:17,829 --> 00:17:20,790
-I've gotta take you downtown for the best--
-Hummus pie?
162
00:17:20,832 --> 00:17:22,167
You've been there?
163
00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:25,962
That's actually my recipe.
164
00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:28,840
But tell me more about you.
165
00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:32,844
Like, what's your favorite love song?
166
00:17:35,513 --> 00:17:37,557
It's kind of corny.
167
00:17:37,599 --> 00:17:38,725
Oh, come on.
168
00:17:55,116 --> 00:17:56,201
You're that waitress.
169
00:17:58,661 --> 00:17:59,954
You've changed.
170
00:17:59,996 --> 00:18:03,833
Well, I was sort of going
through a phase.
171
00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:08,922
I was downright ugly.
172
00:18:10,048 --> 00:18:11,966
I don't remember you ever being ugly.
173
00:18:14,344 --> 00:18:15,553
But I remember you.
174
00:18:26,314 --> 00:18:32,153
I can't explain it, but when I'm with you
I just feel so alive.
175
00:18:32,821 --> 00:18:37,867
-Me too.
-I just wanna scream and shout and....
176
00:18:38,701 --> 00:18:40,537
Bum fight?
177
00:18:45,708 --> 00:18:47,168
Julia?
178
00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:51,464
Come on.
179
00:19:31,629 --> 00:19:33,172
Yes!
180
00:19:33,214 --> 00:19:35,341
Yes!
181
00:19:35,383 --> 00:19:37,594
Yes!
182
00:19:37,635 --> 00:19:39,345
Oh, yeah.
183
00:19:44,392 --> 00:19:46,936
That was amazing.
184
00:19:46,978 --> 00:19:48,396
It sure was.
185
00:19:57,030 --> 00:19:59,866
She faked it, Grant.
186
00:20:00,950 --> 00:20:03,870
But I didn't.
187
00:20:05,914 --> 00:20:07,582
Meow.
188
00:20:09,459 --> 00:20:11,127
Meow.
189
00:20:46,037 --> 00:20:47,997
Oh, no, no, no!
190
00:20:48,039 --> 00:20:49,290
CRABS HOTEL
191
00:20:49,332 --> 00:20:50,750
SPHINCTER Bleach
Leaves Rectum Sparkling
192
00:20:50,792 --> 00:20:52,835
OLDMAN'S OWN
BALSAMIC VINAIGRETTE DOUCHE
193
00:20:52,877 --> 00:20:56,631
No, no, no!
194
00:20:56,673 --> 00:21:00,843
No! No!
195
00:21:15,900 --> 00:21:17,485
-Tingly.
-Grant...
196
00:21:17,527 --> 00:21:20,738
...how would you feel
about meeting my parents?
197
00:21:46,764 --> 00:21:48,891
So, Grant...
198
00:21:49,809 --> 00:21:51,811
-...ever knock anyone up?
-Mom.
199
00:21:51,853 --> 00:21:55,732
Well, I want many grandkids, and how do I
know if he's shooting blanks or not?
200
00:22:00,403 --> 00:22:01,654
Bathroom's down the hall.
201
00:22:02,822 --> 00:22:04,866
VICKY'S SECRET
202
00:22:09,078 --> 00:22:11,497
Just leave the sample on the counter.
203
00:22:31,476 --> 00:22:32,477
Sorry.
204
00:22:34,604 --> 00:22:35,855
That's Jinxers.
205
00:22:42,361 --> 00:22:44,447
Taught him how to do that.
206
00:23:17,688 --> 00:23:21,359
Julia told me your last name.
How do you pronounce it?
207
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:22,652
Just how it's spelled.
208
00:23:24,070 --> 00:23:27,657
F-O-C-K-Y-E-R-D-O-D-E-R.
209
00:23:28,241 --> 00:23:29,283
Fockyerdoder?
210
00:23:35,873 --> 00:23:40,002
-Allergic to cats?
-No, no, I love cats.
211
00:23:40,044 --> 00:23:44,006
In fact, growing up on a farm,
I once milked a cat.
212
00:23:45,508 --> 00:23:47,802
I got nipples, Grant.
213
00:23:47,844 --> 00:23:49,595
Can you milk me?
214
00:23:55,977 --> 00:23:58,563
May I say that's an exquisite vase?
215
00:23:58,604 --> 00:24:00,314
An ancient artifact, I presume.
216
00:24:00,356 --> 00:24:04,569
That's actually an urn
containing the remains of Frank's mother.
217
00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:09,949
Well, I'm sure your mother
would want to celebrate...
218
00:24:09,991 --> 00:24:13,077
...that Julia finally applied
to pastry school.
219
00:24:13,119 --> 00:24:16,664
-What? School?
-Don't you want me to better myself?
220
00:24:16,706 --> 00:24:19,333
No! I want you to work at the diner
until you die.
221
00:24:19,375 --> 00:24:21,544
Grant was just kidding. Right, Grant?
222
00:24:25,256 --> 00:24:26,757
No.
223
00:24:26,799 --> 00:24:29,260
No, no, no!
224
00:24:32,221 --> 00:24:34,140
Mama!
225
00:24:34,182 --> 00:24:36,058
-Mama!
-Grandma.
226
00:24:37,977 --> 00:24:39,604
Jinxers. Jinxers, no.
227
00:24:40,980 --> 00:24:42,732
Grandma Jones. Oh, God.
228
00:24:42,773 --> 00:24:44,650
No. Jinxers, stop it.
229
00:24:44,692 --> 00:24:46,402
-Hey!
-Jinxers.
230
00:24:46,444 --> 00:24:47,820
-Jinxers, no.
-Oh, no, no.
231
00:24:47,862 --> 00:24:49,822
-No.
-Jinxers, no.
232
00:24:49,864 --> 00:24:51,616
-Jinxers, no.
-Oh, no.
233
00:24:51,657 --> 00:24:53,034
No!
234
00:24:53,075 --> 00:24:54,660
-Get off my mama!
-Bad!
235
00:24:54,702 --> 00:24:55,828
Stop humping!
236
00:24:55,870 --> 00:24:57,747
-Bad kitty.
-Please.
237
00:24:57,788 --> 00:25:01,542
-Jinxers! No.
-I didn't teach him how to do that.
238
00:25:01,584 --> 00:25:03,711
-Jinxers! Bad cat!
-God!
239
00:25:03,753 --> 00:25:06,547
Jinxers, no!
240
00:25:08,007 --> 00:25:09,008
Mama!
241
00:25:09,926 --> 00:25:11,636
That was a disaster.
242
00:25:11,677 --> 00:25:13,221
It wasn't that bad.
243
00:25:13,262 --> 00:25:15,806
You desecrated
my grandmother's remains...
244
00:25:15,848 --> 00:25:17,725
...and my father hates you.
245
00:25:17,767 --> 00:25:20,603
Why didn't you tell your parents
about pastry school?
246
00:25:20,645 --> 00:25:24,398
I'm working my way up to it.
I'm just waiting for the right time.
247
00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:26,234
Julia, you're a grown woman.
248
00:25:27,109 --> 00:25:31,530
If you haven't noticed,
my family is totally controlling.
249
00:25:31,572 --> 00:25:34,617
They meddle in every aspect of my life.
250
00:25:34,659 --> 00:25:38,746
Not to mention, no one in our family
has ever dated outside of our culture.
251
00:25:38,788 --> 00:25:40,248
He reminds me of Webster.
252
00:25:40,289 --> 00:25:44,335
I just don't see
how this could work between us.
253
00:25:44,377 --> 00:25:46,170
Look, so your family's difficult.
254
00:25:46,212 --> 00:25:48,047
Whose isn't?
255
00:25:48,089 --> 00:25:51,133
Until I met you, my life was boring.
256
00:25:51,175 --> 00:25:53,970
But you, you're smart...
257
00:25:54,011 --> 00:25:56,472
...and interesting...
258
00:25:56,514 --> 00:25:58,683
...and beautiful.
259
00:25:59,392 --> 00:26:01,602
I just want to be with you.
260
00:26:03,229 --> 00:26:05,064
Did you say I was beautiful?
261
00:26:06,274 --> 00:26:07,817
Come with me.
262
00:26:08,943 --> 00:26:10,569
It's just a little Jesus juice.
263
00:26:11,612 --> 00:26:13,531
Where are you taking me?
264
00:26:13,572 --> 00:26:15,658
-What are we...?
-You'll see.
265
00:26:29,130 --> 00:26:30,381
Oh, my God.
266
00:26:31,382 --> 00:26:33,592
Oh, my God.
267
00:26:33,634 --> 00:26:34,927
Oh, my God.
268
00:26:38,639 --> 00:26:39,890
Oh, my God.
269
00:26:40,474 --> 00:26:42,935
Julia Jones...
270
00:26:42,977 --> 00:26:44,395
...will you marry me?
271
00:26:45,813 --> 00:26:49,358
Yes, Grant Fockyerdoder,
I will marry you.
272
00:27:01,078 --> 00:27:02,872
How much will you give me for this?
273
00:27:02,913 --> 00:27:05,416
No. No!
274
00:27:12,757 --> 00:27:14,842
-Fifty bucks.
-Shit, that's it?
275
00:27:18,220 --> 00:27:21,015
But it will destroy all evil.
276
00:27:21,057 --> 00:27:23,517
Oh, screw off, wizard!
277
00:27:28,105 --> 00:27:33,152
My precious.
278
00:27:39,075 --> 00:27:41,827
Before you set the wedding date...
279
00:27:41,869 --> 00:27:43,412
...I wanted to meet your parents.
280
00:27:44,246 --> 00:27:47,041
Because, frankly,
I don't know much about you.
281
00:27:49,335 --> 00:27:52,171
I understand, homeboy.
282
00:27:57,927 --> 00:28:01,263
I'll be watching you.
283
00:28:01,305 --> 00:28:03,808
If you do anything
to corrupt my daughter....
284
00:28:03,849 --> 00:28:06,268
You'll bring me down to Chinatown?
285
00:28:07,019 --> 00:28:08,145
Chinatown?
286
00:28:08,187 --> 00:28:12,441
I'll take your bitch ass to 134th Street.
287
00:28:12,483 --> 00:28:14,860
Bust you in the head with a pipe.
288
00:28:18,406 --> 00:28:19,990
Hi, Little Jack.
289
00:28:20,825 --> 00:28:22,785
How come you have Betty's baby?
290
00:28:22,827 --> 00:28:25,121
She's at a swingers' convention
this weekend...
291
00:28:25,162 --> 00:28:28,374
-...so we said we'd take care of him.
-Oh, how nice.
292
00:28:28,416 --> 00:28:32,169
Betty's such a good mother.
She's teaching Little Jack sign language.
293
00:28:32,211 --> 00:28:36,966
Oh, I heard about this.
Real cutting-edge stuff.
294
00:28:39,260 --> 00:28:42,680
"What happens when the ho
doesn't give up all the cash?"
295
00:28:45,891 --> 00:28:49,812
That's right, Little Jack.
"Keep your pimp hand strong."
296
00:28:51,897 --> 00:28:53,649
Beeyotch.
297
00:28:53,691 --> 00:28:55,484
His first word!
298
00:28:55,526 --> 00:28:58,779
-Little Jack, what did you say?
-Beeyotch.
299
00:29:04,702 --> 00:29:07,204
FOCKYERDODER
ISLE
300
00:29:09,957 --> 00:29:11,125
Is that your dad?
301
00:29:19,091 --> 00:29:20,092
Figures.
302
00:29:38,110 --> 00:29:39,904
Grant!
303
00:29:39,945 --> 00:29:41,280
My boy!
304
00:29:43,115 --> 00:29:44,950
It's good to see you.
305
00:29:44,992 --> 00:29:48,162
This is my fiancée, Julia.
And her parents, Linda and Frank.
306
00:29:48,204 --> 00:29:51,040
Bernie Fockyerdoder.
Pleased to meet all of you.
307
00:29:51,081 --> 00:29:52,833
Frank, give me some sugar.
308
00:29:52,875 --> 00:29:54,585
Put her there!
309
00:29:55,461 --> 00:29:56,795
All right, all right.
310
00:29:56,837 --> 00:29:59,548
-And this must be your little girl.
-No, that's my wife.
311
00:29:59,590 --> 00:30:02,218
Wife? So young, so pretty.
312
00:30:02,968 --> 00:30:06,472
And you must be Julia.
What a beautiful moment this is.
313
00:30:06,514 --> 00:30:09,892
So beautiful. Just beautiful.
314
00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:13,604
Dad. Dad.
315
00:30:14,104 --> 00:30:16,190
What? We're all family now.
316
00:30:16,232 --> 00:30:17,691
I'll just go get the luggage.
317
00:30:17,733 --> 00:30:19,818
So, what was that
you were doing back there?
318
00:30:19,860 --> 00:30:23,531
-I was just practicing Capuerta.
-Capa-what?
319
00:30:23,572 --> 00:30:26,534
Capuerta, the Brazilian martial art
of dance fighting.
320
00:30:26,575 --> 00:30:28,452
-Beeyotch.
-I've been doing it for weeks.
321
00:30:29,995 --> 00:30:31,163
It keeps me level.
322
00:30:34,959 --> 00:30:36,544
Come on, let's go meet Roz.
323
00:30:39,547 --> 00:30:40,798
Roz!
324
00:30:40,839 --> 00:30:43,425
You're going to love her.
Everybody, this is Roz.
325
00:30:43,467 --> 00:30:44,593
IDIOT'S
Tantric Sex
326
00:30:49,014 --> 00:30:54,937
I've been kvelling to meet
this meshuggenah goyim shiksa all day.
327
00:31:01,694 --> 00:31:03,821
So, Grant tells me you're a doctor.
328
00:31:03,862 --> 00:31:05,906
I'm a sex therapist.
329
00:31:05,948 --> 00:31:08,075
I specialize in teenage impotency.
330
00:31:09,243 --> 00:31:10,411
Who's thirsty?
331
00:31:10,995 --> 00:31:14,373
-Mum, no.
-Oh, Grantulla's just embarrassed...
332
00:31:14,415 --> 00:31:17,293
...because he lost his virginity
to the housekeeper.
333
00:31:23,507 --> 00:31:25,050
Hey, Eduardo.
334
00:31:28,178 --> 00:31:29,680
Hi, Grant.
335
00:31:50,075 --> 00:31:51,827
Thanks, Eduardo.
336
00:31:55,956 --> 00:31:58,417
So is it Harry?
337
00:31:58,459 --> 00:32:00,753
-Is what hairy?
-Your name.
338
00:32:00,794 --> 00:32:03,631
-No, no. It's Bernie.
-Oh, no, but it is hairy.
339
00:32:03,672 --> 00:32:06,842
-What are you talking about?
-Picture this with 4 pounds of hair.
340
00:32:06,884 --> 00:32:07,968
Oh, stop.
341
00:32:08,427 --> 00:32:10,888
So when's the big date?
342
00:32:10,929 --> 00:32:13,265
Well, we wanted a long engagement...
343
00:32:13,307 --> 00:32:15,643
...so we're getting married this Sunday.
344
00:32:15,684 --> 00:32:17,853
Oh, hell, no.
I'm not paying for that wedding.
345
00:32:17,895 --> 00:32:21,440
Oh, don't have a conniption, bubbelah.
We'll pay for it.
346
00:32:21,482 --> 00:32:22,816
Of course.
347
00:32:22,858 --> 00:32:25,944
I got a great wedding planner.
You'll meet her tomorrow morning.
348
00:32:25,986 --> 00:32:27,363
Let's have a toast.
349
00:32:27,404 --> 00:32:31,116
To great, big matzo balls.
350
00:32:34,995 --> 00:32:36,372
I couldn't be happier.
351
00:32:37,539 --> 00:32:39,083
Thanks, Dad.
352
00:32:39,124 --> 00:32:41,168
Because Nicky has agreed
to marry you.
353
00:32:52,680 --> 00:32:56,100
-Nicky.
-Yeah. Good job.
354
00:32:56,141 --> 00:32:58,894
Looking good. Nice.
355
00:33:00,062 --> 00:33:05,359
Dad, my whole life I've had this dream...
356
00:33:05,401 --> 00:33:09,238
...that a prince would someday
come and rescue me.
357
00:33:09,279 --> 00:33:11,490
Grant is that guy.
358
00:33:11,532 --> 00:33:13,158
He's my prince.
359
00:33:13,867 --> 00:33:16,328
-And he's the one I'm gonna marry.
-No.
360
00:33:17,162 --> 00:33:20,165
You'll never marry Grant.
I don't trust him.
361
00:33:20,833 --> 00:33:22,167
You'll marry Nicky.
362
00:33:22,209 --> 00:33:26,255
You know, thinking about the honeymoon
makes me, like, really horny.
363
00:33:26,296 --> 00:33:27,506
Like, a lot.
364
00:33:35,013 --> 00:33:37,850
Wow, you seem tense.
365
00:33:39,226 --> 00:33:40,519
When was the last time...
366
00:33:40,561 --> 00:33:43,063
-...you and Frank were intimate?
-It's been a while.
367
00:33:47,776 --> 00:33:49,153
It sure has.
368
00:33:50,529 --> 00:33:54,408
-Is that all you got?
-Hold on.
369
00:33:55,909 --> 00:33:59,246
-How do you think it's going?
-I think it's going really well.
370
00:33:59,288 --> 00:34:00,497
-You do?
-Yeah.
371
00:34:00,539 --> 00:34:04,168
Everyone's getting along famously.
Even our dads are hitting it off.
372
00:34:05,335 --> 00:34:07,880
Man, you might wanna
put your shirt back on.
373
00:34:31,278 --> 00:34:32,488
Man.
374
00:34:48,378 --> 00:34:50,464
The wedding planner will see you now.
375
00:34:55,177 --> 00:34:56,261
I'm Jell-O.
376
00:34:56,970 --> 00:34:59,223
Please, have a seat.
377
00:35:02,518 --> 00:35:06,563
Now, I'm here to plan
your dream wedding.
378
00:35:06,605 --> 00:35:09,024
So tell me what you want.
379
00:35:09,066 --> 00:35:12,027
Well, we want a traditional wedding.
380
00:35:12,069 --> 00:35:14,613
Something simple, yet elegant.
381
00:35:14,655 --> 00:35:16,698
Yo, I know exactly the place.
382
00:35:19,326 --> 00:35:20,452
TACO BUTT
383
00:35:20,494 --> 00:35:22,079
Think outside my buns.
384
00:35:22,329 --> 00:35:25,624
It's not quite what we had in mind.
385
00:35:25,666 --> 00:35:27,751
That's the best I can do on short notice.
386
00:35:27,793 --> 00:35:30,712
You gotta book the caterer,
pick a piñata...
387
00:35:30,754 --> 00:35:33,882
-...choose your best man.
-I've already taken care of that.
388
00:35:33,924 --> 00:35:36,885
-My best mate, Andy, flew in this morning.
-Andy?
389
00:35:36,927 --> 00:35:41,515
Yeah, we'll meet up at the hotel later.
I think you two will hit it off tremendously.
390
00:35:41,557 --> 00:35:43,016
I can't wait.
391
00:35:43,058 --> 00:35:46,562
And I can't wait till you see
who I booked for the entertainment.
392
00:36:01,660 --> 00:36:03,078
-No!
-No!
393
00:36:10,961 --> 00:36:13,922
So where is this best man of yours?
394
00:36:13,964 --> 00:36:16,383
Andy!
395
00:36:26,643 --> 00:36:30,230
-Andy's not a guy?
-A guy? Heavens, no.
396
00:36:48,457 --> 00:36:51,126
It's great we've remained so close...
397
00:36:51,168 --> 00:36:53,587
...even after the engagement
fell through.
398
00:36:54,546 --> 00:36:56,548
You two were engaged?
399
00:37:04,431 --> 00:37:05,515
Ages ago.
400
00:37:07,184 --> 00:37:09,394
It was more physical
than anything, really.
401
00:37:15,859 --> 00:37:17,736
Just constant sex.
402
00:37:21,782 --> 00:37:22,824
Sex.
403
00:37:23,825 --> 00:37:25,285
Sex.
404
00:37:26,995 --> 00:37:28,830
Sex. Sex. Sex.
405
00:37:28,872 --> 00:37:31,083
Sex. Sex. Sex.
406
00:37:31,124 --> 00:37:32,918
Sex. Sex. Sex.
407
00:37:40,550 --> 00:37:44,930
So, you realized it just wasn't right?
408
00:37:44,972 --> 00:37:47,683
Well, she realized it wasn't right.
409
00:37:47,724 --> 00:37:49,685
She dumped me.
410
00:37:49,726 --> 00:37:51,603
Just wasn't ready to settle down.
411
00:38:13,542 --> 00:38:15,711
Why is she in slow motion?
412
00:38:15,752 --> 00:38:17,337
She likes to make an entrance.
413
00:38:19,423 --> 00:38:20,424
Grant!
414
00:38:29,891 --> 00:38:32,352
This is Julia.
415
00:38:35,772 --> 00:38:39,276
Oh, I have heard so much about you.
416
00:38:40,318 --> 00:38:43,030
Now, Grant told me
how attractive you were...
417
00:38:43,071 --> 00:38:46,033
...but he never mentioned
you were flat-chested.
418
00:38:46,074 --> 00:38:48,076
How cute.
419
00:39:00,589 --> 00:39:04,926
Excuse me, while I get out
of these wet clothes.
420
00:39:20,650 --> 00:39:22,569
So how did you two meet?
421
00:39:22,611 --> 00:39:24,196
We were in Beverly Hills.
422
00:39:24,488 --> 00:39:25,947
TIFFANY & CO.
423
00:39:25,989 --> 00:39:27,783
GUCCI
424
00:39:27,824 --> 00:39:29,743
BVLGARI
425
00:39:30,702 --> 00:39:32,454
VERSACE
LOUIS VUITTON
426
00:39:32,496 --> 00:39:34,039
LV
Rodeo Dr
427
00:40:02,692 --> 00:40:06,071
I'll give you $100 for the week.
428
00:40:06,113 --> 00:40:07,614
Sounds quite reasonable.
429
00:40:07,656 --> 00:40:11,118
Okay, this is just too weird.
Can we dissolve back now?
430
00:40:11,159 --> 00:40:15,747
And so eventually you got engaged,
and then you broke up ages ago.
431
00:40:15,789 --> 00:40:19,209
Sure, if you call three weeks
"ages ago."
432
00:40:20,418 --> 00:40:23,046
You were engaged to her
three weeks ago?
433
00:40:24,464 --> 00:40:27,801
Honestly, Julia,
you have nothing to be jealous about.
434
00:40:28,301 --> 00:40:30,804
Just because I see Grant
with another woman...
435
00:40:30,846 --> 00:40:33,181
...doesn't mean I want him back.
436
00:40:47,320 --> 00:40:48,321
Finger sandwich?
437
00:40:50,657 --> 00:40:53,034
Okay, I'll go first.
438
00:40:53,451 --> 00:40:56,663
Let me say,
we don't really need to be here.
439
00:40:56,705 --> 00:41:00,125
-See, we've been dating for five days.
-Six.
440
00:41:00,167 --> 00:41:02,752
Five, six days.
441
00:41:03,086 --> 00:41:05,088
And this is like a check-up for us.
442
00:41:05,130 --> 00:41:08,175
There's this huge space between us...
443
00:41:08,216 --> 00:41:12,012
...and it keeps getting bigger and bigger.
444
00:41:15,098 --> 00:41:16,600
How honest are you with him?
445
00:41:17,726 --> 00:41:19,603
Pretty honest.
446
00:41:19,644 --> 00:41:22,606
I mean, it's not like I lie to him
or anything.
447
00:41:23,940 --> 00:41:25,400
I just....
448
00:41:27,319 --> 00:41:30,197
I mean, I have little secrets.
449
00:41:30,238 --> 00:41:32,532
Everyone has secrets.
450
00:41:34,034 --> 00:41:36,161
I have hepatitis C.
451
00:41:42,542 --> 00:41:44,586
How does that make you feel?
452
00:41:46,588 --> 00:41:48,590
I'm not sure, really.
453
00:41:50,967 --> 00:41:53,845
Let me clarify. I love Julia.
454
00:41:53,887 --> 00:41:58,266
I want her to be happy.
455
00:41:58,308 --> 00:42:01,061
I want good things for her.
456
00:42:01,853 --> 00:42:03,939
But there are times....
457
00:42:21,039 --> 00:42:22,165
You know?
458
00:42:22,207 --> 00:42:25,126
When she's sleeping,
just take a pillow and....
459
00:42:38,139 --> 00:42:39,266
BEST
BRIDE
460
00:42:39,307 --> 00:42:45,480
-Thanks for helping me pick out my dress.
-To be honest, I was surprised you called.
461
00:42:45,522 --> 00:42:47,732
Well, you're a part of Grant's life.
462
00:42:47,774 --> 00:42:50,986
And that means
you're a part of my life too.
463
00:42:51,903 --> 00:42:55,240
You look like a princess.
464
00:43:00,704 --> 00:43:03,206
You don't think it's a bit too much?
465
00:43:03,248 --> 00:43:05,208
Oh, not at all.
466
00:43:05,250 --> 00:43:07,502
I'll go get some pins to fit it.
467
00:43:35,322 --> 00:43:38,325
Why do you insist on dressing me
in these fruity outfits?
468
00:43:38,366 --> 00:43:40,910
I'm gonna take this lollipop
and shove it up your ass.
469
00:43:42,495 --> 00:43:44,789
I can hear everyone's thoughts!
470
00:43:44,831 --> 00:43:48,043
I love Puerto Rican men. They're spicy.
471
00:43:48,543 --> 00:43:52,213
It's like I'm trapped
in a bad Mel Gibson movie.
472
00:43:52,255 --> 00:43:56,551
What the hell was I thinking?
He's a freaking backup dancer.
473
00:43:57,093 --> 00:43:59,554
Dude, I married Britney Spears.
474
00:44:00,472 --> 00:44:01,681
I'm rich!
475
00:44:01,723 --> 00:44:05,226
I'm rich, beeyotch! Rich!
476
00:44:05,268 --> 00:44:07,145
Is the bride-to-be ready?
477
00:44:07,187 --> 00:44:09,230
Bride-to-be? Shit.
478
00:44:09,272 --> 00:44:10,774
Not if I can help it.
479
00:44:11,399 --> 00:44:13,902
I've got 24 hours
to break up this wedding.
480
00:44:13,943 --> 00:44:15,153
No.
481
00:44:15,195 --> 00:44:16,196
Yes.
482
00:44:17,238 --> 00:44:20,283
I'll turn Grant against you
and make him love me again.
483
00:44:20,325 --> 00:44:22,577
Me, me, me!
484
00:44:23,078 --> 00:44:24,746
Stay away from me.
485
00:45:53,126 --> 00:45:55,170
What is it now?
486
00:45:55,211 --> 00:45:59,924
Grant's got an ex-fiancée.
And she has a thing for him, I just know it.
487
00:45:59,966 --> 00:46:02,510
And they have this long,
romantic history.
488
00:46:03,303 --> 00:46:05,972
How can I measure up to that?
489
00:46:06,014 --> 00:46:07,849
Skimpy Bikini Illustrated
The Swimsuit Issue That Self Combusts
490
00:46:07,891 --> 00:46:09,642
You can't. She's fine as hell.
491
00:46:11,102 --> 00:46:12,937
I would tear that shit up!
492
00:46:13,855 --> 00:46:17,442
You know, everything was going so well
until she turns up.
493
00:46:17,484 --> 00:46:20,528
Look, he's not with Andy anymore.
He's with you.
494
00:46:20,570 --> 00:46:23,990
You gotta put aside your insecurities.
It'll all work out.
495
00:46:24,032 --> 00:46:27,285
-Do you really believe that?
-No. But my white customers do.
496
00:46:31,664 --> 00:46:34,042
Look, I believe in you and Grant.
497
00:46:34,083 --> 00:46:37,170
And before you know it,
you'll be walking down the aisle.
498
00:46:37,420 --> 00:46:39,756
And saying our vows.
499
00:46:39,797 --> 00:46:42,133
And our first dance.
500
00:46:42,175 --> 00:46:45,053
Starting the fire. Starting the fire.
Starting the fire.
501
00:46:45,094 --> 00:46:48,181
The Q-Tip. The Q-Tip. The Q-Tip.
502
00:46:48,223 --> 00:46:50,016
Throw it away. Throw it away.
503
00:46:50,058 --> 00:46:51,518
You call that dancing?
504
00:46:52,477 --> 00:46:53,603
No.
505
00:46:55,230 --> 00:46:58,942
You see this?
This is where you live, right here.
506
00:46:58,983 --> 00:47:00,985
This is your home.
507
00:47:01,569 --> 00:47:03,154
Well, how about this?
508
00:47:11,204 --> 00:47:12,872
That bitch be krumping!
509
00:47:33,059 --> 00:47:34,477
It's okay.
510
00:47:34,519 --> 00:47:37,272
It's okay.
She's never gonna break us up.
511
00:47:37,313 --> 00:47:40,483
Grant and I just have to get through
the rehearsal dinner...
512
00:47:40,525 --> 00:47:43,403
...and then tomorrow's the big day.
513
00:47:43,444 --> 00:47:47,824
Once we're married,
everything will be perfect.
514
00:47:47,865 --> 00:47:48,950
Who are you kidding?
515
00:47:50,910 --> 00:47:54,163
Grant's never gonna marry you.
You're not good enough.
516
00:47:54,205 --> 00:47:56,291
He's meant to be with Andy.
517
00:47:56,332 --> 00:47:58,501
-Don't say that!
-This is who you really are.
518
00:47:58,543 --> 00:48:01,337
Worst Foods
Mayonnaise
519
00:48:01,379 --> 00:48:03,131
You're a frump girl.
520
00:48:03,673 --> 00:48:07,760
You may look different,
but inside you'll always be me.
521
00:48:07,802 --> 00:48:09,512
No, please, stop.
522
00:48:10,179 --> 00:48:13,308
You'll be stuck in that diner
till the end of time.
523
00:48:14,100 --> 00:48:16,102
I don't believe you.
524
00:48:18,354 --> 00:48:19,981
True love is a myth.
525
00:48:20,023 --> 00:48:22,191
You better hurry up and marry Nicky...
526
00:48:22,233 --> 00:48:24,777
...before you end up a fat,
dusty old maid.
527
00:48:24,819 --> 00:48:26,112
Never!
528
00:48:26,154 --> 00:48:27,447
You'll see.
529
00:48:32,285 --> 00:48:34,454
GREEK DINER
530
00:48:36,581 --> 00:48:38,291
Quiet, everyone. Quiet.
531
00:48:38,333 --> 00:48:40,460
Roz has a few words to say.
532
00:48:40,501 --> 00:48:43,171
Oh, thank you, hon.
533
00:48:45,840 --> 00:48:48,217
I would like to make a toast.
534
00:48:48,718 --> 00:48:50,637
To Grant and Julia.
535
00:48:51,346 --> 00:48:53,931
Yeah! What?
536
00:48:53,973 --> 00:48:56,976
Okay! Get crunk!
537
00:48:57,018 --> 00:48:58,436
Get crunked!
538
00:49:20,375 --> 00:49:21,376
You like it?
539
00:49:22,543 --> 00:49:25,213
You look ravishing.
540
00:49:27,507 --> 00:49:29,467
What? What's wrong?
541
00:49:30,176 --> 00:49:35,431
Grant, your whole courtship
has been rocky to say the least.
542
00:49:36,683 --> 00:49:41,062
I just hope you're not rushing
into this marriage with Julia...
543
00:49:41,771 --> 00:49:44,691
...as a way of getting over me.
544
00:49:45,358 --> 00:49:46,651
I....
545
00:50:04,252 --> 00:50:06,003
Oh, dear God.
546
00:50:06,462 --> 00:50:07,463
A carousel.
547
00:50:11,050 --> 00:50:13,386
I.... I better get back.
548
00:50:22,103 --> 00:50:25,523
Grant, this is our rehearsal dinner.
549
00:50:25,565 --> 00:50:27,692
We're getting married tomorrow.
550
00:50:29,444 --> 00:50:32,613
I need to know,
do you still have feelings for Andy?
551
00:50:33,656 --> 00:50:35,032
Of course not.
552
00:50:36,284 --> 00:50:37,869
I trust you.
553
00:50:37,910 --> 00:50:39,912
I just don't want to get hurt.
554
00:50:40,580 --> 00:50:42,290
You have nothing to worry about.
555
00:50:43,332 --> 00:50:45,042
I'm devoted to you.
556
00:50:45,835 --> 00:50:46,961
Forever.
557
00:50:48,463 --> 00:50:51,382
The moment I saw you
558
00:50:52,967 --> 00:50:56,596
Before I proposed to you
559
00:50:57,513 --> 00:51:00,558
We said a little prayer for you
560
00:51:02,143 --> 00:51:05,313
While combing my hair now
561
00:51:05,354 --> 00:51:08,816
You're wondering what's
Under my dress now
562
00:51:08,858 --> 00:51:12,361
-We said a little prayer for you
-We said a little prayer for you
563
00:51:12,403 --> 00:51:15,323
Forever, forever
He gives you his heart
564
00:51:15,364 --> 00:51:16,616
And he loves you
565
00:51:16,657 --> 00:51:19,410
Forever and ever
You'll never break up
566
00:51:19,452 --> 00:51:20,661
Divorce will cost you
567
00:51:20,703 --> 00:51:23,498
Together, together
That's how it must be
568
00:51:23,539 --> 00:51:24,665
For this love story
569
00:51:24,707 --> 00:51:28,252
Screw Grant
She must marry Nicky
570
00:51:30,379 --> 00:51:34,008
I really do love you, dear
571
00:51:34,050 --> 00:51:37,386
But Andy keeps whispering in his ear
572
00:51:37,428 --> 00:51:39,764
We'll say a little prayer for you
573
00:51:41,599 --> 00:51:43,810
Grant and I will get hitched
574
00:51:44,519 --> 00:51:48,022
If we survive my family
And that scheming bitch
575
00:51:48,064 --> 00:51:51,275
We'll say a little prayer for you
576
00:51:51,317 --> 00:51:54,278
Forever, forever
He gives you his heart
577
00:51:54,320 --> 00:51:55,738
And he loves you
578
00:51:55,780 --> 00:51:58,491
Forever and ever
You'll never break up
579
00:51:58,533 --> 00:51:59,992
Divorce will cost you
580
00:52:00,034 --> 00:52:02,537
Together, together
That's how it must be
581
00:52:02,578 --> 00:52:03,830
For this love story
582
00:52:03,871 --> 00:52:07,667
I have one night to stop this wedding
583
00:52:09,502 --> 00:52:11,838
My daughter get busy
584
00:52:11,879 --> 00:52:13,089
-Get busy
-Get busy
585
00:52:13,130 --> 00:52:16,551
Just back that thing up
586
00:52:16,592 --> 00:52:19,846
He'll be true
587
00:52:19,887 --> 00:52:21,305
Please, love me too
588
00:52:21,347 --> 00:52:22,974
Answer his prayers
589
00:52:23,015 --> 00:52:25,142
Try position 22
590
00:52:25,184 --> 00:52:27,270
Getting your swerve on, baby
591
00:52:28,062 --> 00:52:29,605
Answer his prayers
592
00:52:29,647 --> 00:52:32,400
Forever, forever
He gives you his heart
593
00:52:32,441 --> 00:52:33,651
And he loves you
594
00:52:33,693 --> 00:52:36,529
Forever and ever
You'll never break up
595
00:52:36,571 --> 00:52:37,989
Divorce will cost you
596
00:52:38,030 --> 00:52:40,658
Together, together
That's how it must be
597
00:52:40,700 --> 00:52:42,118
For this love story
598
00:52:42,159 --> 00:52:46,455
Will the ending be good or crappy?
599
00:53:06,434 --> 00:53:08,019
No!
600
00:53:08,060 --> 00:53:11,355
Not a zit on my wedding day.
601
00:53:11,397 --> 00:53:12,982
No.
602
00:53:35,254 --> 00:53:37,506
Saint Sophia Community Church
JONES FOCKYERDODER WEDDING
603
00:53:38,215 --> 00:53:39,884
Where the hell is Julia?
604
00:53:40,468 --> 00:53:41,761
SHE'S
LATE
605
00:53:41,802 --> 00:53:46,390
Grant, I wouldn't be your best man
unless I told you this.
606
00:53:47,141 --> 00:53:49,018
Julia doesn't deserve you.
607
00:53:50,102 --> 00:53:51,604
Oh, come on.
608
00:53:51,646 --> 00:53:53,522
She's an hour late for her own wedding.
609
00:53:54,607 --> 00:53:58,110
Maybe she's got cold feet because
she knows it's not right between you two.
610
00:54:01,489 --> 00:54:03,199
Do you ever think about us?
611
00:54:04,158 --> 00:54:07,119
-Yeah.
-Me too.
612
00:54:10,957 --> 00:54:12,333
My grandmother's ring.
613
00:54:12,375 --> 00:54:15,336
She gave you this ring on her deathbed
and made you promise...
614
00:54:15,378 --> 00:54:18,965
...to give it to the woman you wanted to
spend the rest of your life with.
615
00:54:19,006 --> 00:54:20,466
You gave it to me.
616
00:54:25,221 --> 00:54:26,847
My grandfather's toe ring.
617
00:54:26,889 --> 00:54:29,350
And didn't he give you this ring
on his deathbed...
618
00:54:29,392 --> 00:54:33,020
...and make you promise to give it
to the woman you'd cherish forever?
619
00:54:34,105 --> 00:54:36,983
You gave that to me too.
620
00:54:38,109 --> 00:54:39,568
Julia--
621
00:54:39,610 --> 00:54:42,488
She's just the rebound girl.
622
00:54:42,530 --> 00:54:46,325
I'm ready to take you back.
Choose me. Marry me.
623
00:54:47,743 --> 00:54:52,456
Andy, I just don't feel the same way
about you anymore.
624
00:54:52,498 --> 00:54:53,582
Julia's the one.
625
00:54:55,876 --> 00:54:58,295
Then one last kiss.
626
00:55:08,764 --> 00:55:10,016
Julia, no.
627
00:55:21,444 --> 00:55:22,653
Julia Please Take me back!
628
00:55:24,530 --> 00:55:26,449
I FXXXED UP BIG TIME
629
00:55:28,075 --> 00:55:29,702
I'M A JERK
630
00:55:32,538 --> 00:55:34,165
...A REAL
ASSHOLE...
631
00:56:18,918 --> 00:56:21,962
Shut up! It's 4 in the morning!
632
00:56:22,004 --> 00:56:23,798
Asshole!
633
00:56:24,340 --> 00:56:26,759
Turn that crap off!
634
00:56:34,642 --> 00:56:37,686
I'm trying to watch
Desperate Housewives.
635
00:56:39,021 --> 00:56:41,607
It's called an iPod, get one!
636
00:56:49,406 --> 00:56:52,535
Lonely Woman
Dinner
637
00:57:19,603 --> 00:57:20,938
Jinxers?
638
00:57:43,669 --> 00:57:44,795
DINER
639
00:57:44,837 --> 00:57:46,380
Julia.
640
00:57:51,302 --> 00:57:53,762
Let's get you out of that funk.
641
00:58:06,692 --> 00:58:11,405
Julia, will you marry me?
642
00:58:15,159 --> 00:58:16,410
Please?
643
00:58:20,664 --> 00:58:23,209
-That was good, right?
-Yeah.
644
00:58:24,126 --> 00:58:26,503
I know Nicky's a little rough
around the edges...
645
00:58:27,171 --> 00:58:29,465
...but give him a chance.
646
00:58:30,966 --> 00:58:34,678
You know, when your mother and I first
got married we barely knew each other.
647
00:58:34,720 --> 00:58:36,555
I was a mail-order bride...
648
00:58:36,597 --> 00:58:38,599
...could barely speak
the English language.
649
00:58:39,225 --> 00:58:42,478
-Dad, you're from Jersey.
-I'm trying to make a point here.
650
00:58:43,062 --> 00:58:45,439
At first, Linda and I couldn't get along.
651
00:58:45,481 --> 00:58:49,026
But we grew to understand
and even respect each other.
652
00:58:49,902 --> 00:58:52,613
I'm proud to say
we've been married for 30 years...
653
00:58:52,655 --> 00:58:56,575
...and I have you and your sister
to show for it.
654
00:58:57,243 --> 00:59:00,537
Now, maybe that's not
the fairy tale you dream of...
655
00:59:00,579 --> 00:59:02,665
...but that's real life.
656
00:59:03,374 --> 00:59:04,625
So, what do you say?
657
00:59:07,836 --> 00:59:10,839
I've been fooling myself all along.
658
00:59:10,881 --> 00:59:13,425
There is no Prince Charming.
659
00:59:14,051 --> 00:59:18,472
And true love is something
that only exists in the movies.
660
00:59:21,850 --> 00:59:23,769
Okay, Dad.
661
00:59:23,811 --> 00:59:25,187
I'll marry Nicky.
662
00:59:27,731 --> 00:59:28,899
Back to work.
663
00:59:32,319 --> 00:59:35,030
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE
664
00:59:51,297 --> 00:59:52,298
You're crying.
665
00:59:54,174 --> 00:59:56,677
Tears of joy, Dad.
666
01:00:02,808 --> 01:00:05,269
Thanks, Frank. I'll take it from here.
667
01:00:07,938 --> 01:00:10,399
We are gathered here to join this man...
668
01:00:10,441 --> 01:00:13,652
...and this woman in holy matrimony.
669
01:00:14,194 --> 01:00:18,324
Marriage is a contract
that should not be taken lightly.
670
01:00:18,365 --> 01:00:22,828
It must be honored by two people
who are truly in love.
671
01:01:08,165 --> 01:01:09,792
DA SHIZNIT
672
01:01:26,016 --> 01:01:29,436
If anyone has any reason
why these two should not be married...
673
01:01:29,478 --> 01:01:32,815
...speak now or forever hold your peace.
674
01:01:43,992 --> 01:01:46,120
-I object.
-Thank God.
675
01:01:50,999 --> 01:01:53,335
This isn't what you wanted.
676
01:01:54,128 --> 01:01:55,295
It's what I wanted.
677
01:01:56,797 --> 01:01:59,800
I was wrong about Grant.
He's a good man.
678
01:01:59,842 --> 01:02:02,302
He even liked you
when you were butt-ugly.
679
01:02:02,344 --> 01:02:04,471
-How do you--?
-I saw it in your flashback.
680
01:02:04,513 --> 01:02:07,015
You and Grant were meant
to be together.
681
01:02:07,057 --> 01:02:08,976
I don't know.
682
01:02:09,017 --> 01:02:10,394
You need to read this.
683
01:02:13,730 --> 01:02:15,190
How to Lose a Girl in 10 Days
684
01:02:15,232 --> 01:02:16,692
My darling Julia, I'm sorry.
685
01:02:16,733 --> 01:02:18,735
So sorry.
686
01:02:18,777 --> 01:02:21,488
So very, very sorry.
687
01:02:22,364 --> 01:02:25,075
And yet "sorry" seems to be
the hardest word to say.
688
01:02:25,993 --> 01:02:29,621
If you can ever forgive me,
and you're ready to make that leap...
689
01:02:29,663 --> 01:02:32,583
...I promise I'll be there to catch you.
690
01:02:32,624 --> 01:02:35,127
If you still love me the way I love you...
691
01:02:35,169 --> 01:02:38,505
...then meet me where
Meg Ryan met Tom Hanks.
692
01:02:38,547 --> 01:02:40,007
On the Internet?
693
01:02:40,048 --> 01:02:42,759
No, not in You've Got Mail,
in Sleepless in Seattle.
694
01:02:43,677 --> 01:02:47,931
Right. The observation deck
of the Empire State Building.
695
01:02:47,973 --> 01:02:49,349
But how do I get there?
696
01:02:49,391 --> 01:02:52,561
I'll MapQuest directions
and IM it to your BlackBerry.
697
01:02:52,603 --> 01:02:55,689
But I only have a T-Mobile Sidekick.
698
01:02:55,731 --> 01:02:57,608
You can borrow my Treo 650.
699
01:02:59,943 --> 01:03:02,613
How about we just meet
where we had our first date?
700
01:03:02,654 --> 01:03:04,364
A Restaurant?
701
01:03:04,406 --> 01:03:06,742
But that's way uptown.
Traffic's a nightmare.
702
01:03:07,868 --> 01:03:09,953
The rooftop of your apartment building?
703
01:03:09,995 --> 01:03:11,955
Okay, great.
704
01:03:13,081 --> 01:03:15,083
This issue's six months old.
705
01:03:15,125 --> 01:03:16,793
I hope he's still waiting.
706
01:03:16,835 --> 01:03:19,046
He'd be a fool not to wait
for my daughter.
707
01:03:19,087 --> 01:03:22,257
-Go get him, baby.
-Thanks, Dad.
708
01:03:44,238 --> 01:03:46,156
Taxi, taxi!
709
01:03:46,198 --> 01:03:47,199
Taxi!
710
01:03:50,953 --> 01:03:52,746
GIVE UP HONEY...
SHE AIN'T COMING!
711
01:03:53,121 --> 01:03:54,957
Let's go, someone!
712
01:03:54,998 --> 01:03:56,124
Someone, please help!
713
01:03:56,166 --> 01:03:58,752
Trick, you getting on my nerves.
714
01:03:58,794 --> 01:04:00,587
I need to get across town fast.
715
01:04:09,972 --> 01:04:11,181
I owe you.
716
01:04:11,223 --> 01:04:13,892
Damn straight! I'm Hitch, bitch.
717
01:04:49,928 --> 01:04:52,139
Come on. Open up.
718
01:05:00,522 --> 01:05:01,940
Please.
719
01:05:01,982 --> 01:05:04,151
Oh, please.
720
01:05:44,941 --> 01:05:46,526
He's mine!
721
01:05:47,778 --> 01:05:49,946
Keep your damn hands off my man.
722
01:06:17,391 --> 01:06:18,975
I'm too late.
723
01:06:20,352 --> 01:06:21,895
Julia!
724
01:06:35,534 --> 01:06:38,120
What happens after the prince
rescues the princess?
725
01:06:38,787 --> 01:06:41,206
She rescues him right back.
726
01:06:42,124 --> 01:06:44,668
You make me want to be a better man.
727
01:06:45,961 --> 01:06:47,921
You had me at hello.
728
01:06:48,630 --> 01:06:53,093
I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy...
729
01:06:53,135 --> 01:06:55,971
...asking him to love her.
730
01:07:36,303 --> 01:07:39,431
What? I'm also an ordained minister.
731
01:07:46,688 --> 01:07:51,109
By the powers vested in me,
I now pronounce you man and wife.
732
01:07:51,151 --> 01:07:52,778
Show her some love, man.
733
01:08:13,882 --> 01:08:15,592
Bravo!
734
01:08:41,993 --> 01:08:43,578
Julia.
735
01:08:44,246 --> 01:08:46,164
This is for you.
736
01:08:50,669 --> 01:08:52,963
It's a vaginal thermometer.
737
01:08:54,464 --> 01:08:57,300
It lets you know when you're ovulating.
738
01:08:57,342 --> 01:08:59,469
It's been in our family for generations.
739
01:08:59,511 --> 01:09:02,848
And if you want to keep it
our lucky thermometer, don't ever wash it.
740
01:09:09,187 --> 01:09:10,522
-Julia.
-Dad.
741
01:09:13,441 --> 01:09:15,986
You're gonna have to find
a new waitress.
742
01:09:16,945 --> 01:09:18,363
It's about time.
743
01:09:25,120 --> 01:09:26,454
Come here.
744
01:09:28,915 --> 01:09:30,250
Hey.
745
01:09:31,126 --> 01:09:32,919
Take care of my daughter.
746
01:09:35,505 --> 01:09:37,632
All right.
747
01:09:37,674 --> 01:09:40,927
Goodbye! Best of luck.
748
01:09:52,689 --> 01:09:55,984
Hey, is it too late
to crash the Fockyerdoder wedding?
749
01:09:57,360 --> 01:09:58,486
Bye.
750
01:09:58,528 --> 01:10:01,406
And we lived happily ever after.
751
01:10:01,448 --> 01:10:02,574
JULIA JONES'S
Diary
752
01:10:02,616 --> 01:10:06,161
But not before we went on our honeymoon
to romantic Kong Island.
753
01:10:21,384 --> 01:10:24,846
Help! Please, help me!
754
01:10:32,896 --> 01:10:34,439
Help!
755
01:10:34,481 --> 01:10:36,608
Keep the camera rolling.
756
01:10:36,650 --> 01:10:38,610
Oh, God.
757
01:10:38,652 --> 01:10:42,072
Help! Please.
758
01:10:44,783 --> 01:10:47,494
No. No.
759
01:10:53,291 --> 01:10:54,793
Carmen Electra.
760
01:10:54,834 --> 01:10:58,129
Carmen Electra! Carmen Electra!
761
01:10:58,171 --> 01:11:01,716
Carmen Electra! Carmen Electra!
762
01:11:01,758 --> 01:11:04,302
That feels kind of good.
763
01:11:04,344 --> 01:11:06,012
A little kinky.
764
01:11:08,056 --> 01:11:10,767
Oh, yeah.
765
01:11:11,851 --> 01:11:13,728
BIG ASS
DRINK
766
01:11:14,729 --> 01:11:16,272
I like hairy boys.
767
01:11:40,714 --> 01:11:42,924
Yes! Yes!
768
01:11:45,760 --> 01:11:46,970
Yes!
769
01:11:47,012 --> 01:11:48,430
Yes!
770
01:11:48,471 --> 01:11:49,889
Beautiful.
771
01:11:49,931 --> 01:11:51,349
Yes, drink it.
772
01:11:51,391 --> 01:11:54,060
Tell you, you're gonna love that.
773
01:11:54,102 --> 01:11:56,980
Is that Cos' hand on your booty?
774
01:12:01,860 --> 01:12:03,445
Cut it.
775
01:12:05,238 --> 01:12:07,198
I'm kind of an amateur tennis player...
776
01:12:07,240 --> 01:12:09,868
...and I was playing
and it was a drizzly day...
777
01:12:09,909 --> 01:12:13,955
...and Roz came down and volunteered
to hold my balls and keep them dry.
778
01:12:13,997 --> 01:12:15,915
-His balls--
-We got rained out anyway.
779
01:12:15,957 --> 01:12:18,918
His balls are always wet,
whether it's raining or not.
780
01:12:30,680 --> 01:12:33,475
Hey, is it too late for one more parody?
781
01:12:34,934 --> 01:12:40,106
It's on the Hudson with
breathtaking views of the skyline.
782
01:12:41,816 --> 01:12:43,818
Yeah! What?
783
01:12:43,860 --> 01:12:45,403
Okay!
784
01:12:45,445 --> 01:12:46,863
Get crunk!
785
01:12:46,905 --> 01:12:49,532
We say a little prayer for you.
786
01:13:18,353 --> 01:13:19,521
Infantilism.
787
01:14:36,514 --> 01:14:38,808
How often do you have sex?
788
01:14:39,350 --> 01:14:41,269
I don't understand the question.
789
01:14:41,311 --> 01:14:43,688
I mean, it's a PG-13 movie.
790
01:14:43,730 --> 01:14:47,442
We're limited to very mild
sexual content.
791
01:14:47,483 --> 01:14:49,819
Above the waist...
792
01:14:50,653 --> 01:14:54,574
-...over the shirts, no tongues.
-No tongue.
793
01:14:54,616 --> 01:14:56,743
How about this week?
794
01:14:59,537 --> 01:15:01,080
A hundred and twenty-seven.
51306
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