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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:49,258 --> 00:00:51,468 When I was 22, I got involved with the Russian mafia. 4 00:00:51,552 --> 00:00:52,928 Here's how it happened. 5 00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:59,059 I went to school at Florida State. I was not a very good student. 6 00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:01,019 This is how bad I was. 7 00:01:01,103 --> 00:01:04,063 I signed up for a Russian class one time, thinking it was Spanish. 8 00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:06,108 And it took me three classes before I realized, 9 00:01:06,191 --> 00:01:07,693 "I don't think this is Spanish." 10 00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:13,532 So I took Russian 1, 2, 3, and 4, never learned a fucking word. 11 00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:16,785 The end of Russian 4, same teacher pulls me aside. 12 00:01:16,869 --> 00:01:18,912 She's like, "Yo, we're taking a trip to Russia. 13 00:01:18,996 --> 00:01:20,330 If you go, you'll get a minor." 14 00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:22,666 I was like, "Strasvutsia, bitches, I'm back!" 15 00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:25,836 We went to Russia. The Russian mob ran everything. 16 00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:27,254 And they told us that our first night. 17 00:01:27,337 --> 00:01:29,756 I'm in the back of the class like, "This trip just got fucking awesome." 18 00:01:31,133 --> 00:01:33,927 Then, like, in exchange for our money, they gave us two young gangsters. 19 00:01:34,011 --> 00:01:35,971 The word for that in Russian is "banditti." 20 00:01:36,054 --> 00:01:38,515 So I ended up befriending the banditti. 21 00:01:40,726 --> 00:01:44,396 Then, one night, the whole class is taking an overnight train trip to Moscow. 22 00:01:44,479 --> 00:01:47,274 We roll to the bar car like a big dick in a locker room. 23 00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:50,527 Just, not that I've ever been that guy, but I've seen it. 24 00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:53,113 So the banditti says to me, 25 00:01:53,197 --> 00:01:56,158 "Don't worry. When it gets dark, we have good time." 26 00:01:56,241 --> 00:01:58,243 I'm like, "What are we doing when it gets dark?" 27 00:01:59,077 --> 00:02:01,163 Reaches into his pocket, pulls a ring of keys out. 28 00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:03,498 He goes, "We're robbing the whole fucking train." 29 00:02:03,582 --> 00:02:04,583 Now... 30 00:02:07,544 --> 00:02:09,880 I'm a good per-- I'm an okay person. 31 00:02:11,548 --> 00:02:13,675 My point is, we fucking robbed them. 32 00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:18,597 We robbed the whole train, and then we drank hard as shit. 33 00:02:19,223 --> 00:02:22,809 Pull in to Moscow at 6 a.m., hammered, piss drunk. Train stops. 34 00:02:22,893 --> 00:02:23,810 It is him. 35 00:02:23,894 --> 00:02:25,521 My whole class, they're in their pajamas. 36 00:02:25,604 --> 00:02:27,523 They're upset. They've been robbed. I get it. 37 00:02:27,606 --> 00:02:32,152 I want what you stole, Machine! 38 00:02:32,236 --> 00:02:33,946 I'm the Machine! 39 00:02:34,029 --> 00:02:37,741 They look at me and look at each other and they're like, "Fuck it! He's the Machine!" 40 00:04:27,559 --> 00:04:28,769 Okay. 41 00:04:28,852 --> 00:04:32,648 So, Bert, how we doing today? 42 00:04:32,731 --> 00:04:34,316 I feel fantastic. 43 00:04:35,150 --> 00:04:36,902 I'm eating clean. I'm working out. 44 00:04:36,985 --> 00:04:38,278 Blood pressure's down. 45 00:04:38,779 --> 00:04:39,821 No more partying. 46 00:04:40,572 --> 00:04:43,742 I haven't called anyone in this room the C-word in almost three months, huh? 47 00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:45,994 He's never called Tat a C-word. 48 00:04:46,078 --> 00:04:48,205 -Oh, she's never acted like a C-word. -Thanks, Dad. 49 00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:50,249 So Mom and I act like C-words? 50 00:04:50,332 --> 00:04:51,458 You'd be shocked. 51 00:04:51,542 --> 00:04:53,293 -Wait. Just leave it there. -Mom! Mom? 52 00:04:53,377 --> 00:04:54,211 -Okay. Okay. -Mom. 53 00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:55,212 -Mom. -I'm still waiting. 54 00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:57,130 -All right! -That's not fair. 55 00:04:57,631 --> 00:04:59,258 Bert, why are we here? 56 00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:02,594 Well, I wanted you guys to see the progress that I've made. 57 00:05:02,678 --> 00:05:03,887 To see how far I've come. 58 00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:07,057 Personal growth isn't something that you need to point out. 59 00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:10,102 Progress is something that your family should be noticing on their own. 60 00:05:10,185 --> 00:05:12,771 Bro, that's why they're here, to notice it. 61 00:05:12,855 --> 00:05:15,107 Hey, if you're not on my team, shut the fuck up, okay? 62 00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:17,276 Okay, no. Has Bert ever talked about his father? 63 00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:18,569 -No. -This has absolutely 64 00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,445 nothing to do with my father. 65 00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:23,073 I had an incident with my daughter. 66 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,241 An incident. 67 00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:27,411 That was caused by my lifestyle and my behavior. 68 00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:30,247 And I am taking actions to course-correct. 69 00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:31,582 And you should know 70 00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:34,626 that he sounds just like his father when he talks like that. 71 00:05:34,710 --> 00:05:35,586 -Hold on. -Yes. 72 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,379 -My father doesn't understand me. -Same. 73 00:05:37,462 --> 00:05:38,881 Not same. Not same. 74 00:05:38,964 --> 00:05:40,632 My father's always correcting me. 75 00:05:40,716 --> 00:05:42,259 -Same, same. -Not same, same! 76 00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:44,720 Your relationship with me is totally different 77 00:05:44,803 --> 00:05:46,138 than my relationship with Papa. 78 00:05:46,221 --> 00:05:48,682 Okay, girls, please, can you wait outside? 79 00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:50,809 Perfect. Come on, Tat. 80 00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:52,811 Deuces. 81 00:05:55,898 --> 00:05:57,733 -So you can see what's going on here? -Yeah. 82 00:05:57,816 --> 00:05:59,693 -You just saw that, right? -Yes. 83 00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:05,282 Wait. You're talking about me? 84 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:06,450 Oh, yes. 85 00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:07,743 Oh, fuck off. 86 00:06:07,826 --> 00:06:09,870 Fuck off? Fuck you! Fuck off! 87 00:06:09,953 --> 00:06:11,538 Oh, I didn't say it like, "Fuck off!" 88 00:06:11,622 --> 00:06:14,082 -I said, "Fuck off." -You do not tell me "fuck off." 89 00:06:14,166 --> 00:06:15,709 It's my therapy. I can say whatever I want, right? 90 00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:17,961 -Actually, you can't. -No, like, you signed an oath! 91 00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:22,925 Hey! I am going to allow the two of you to talk about his issues with his father. 92 00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:24,551 Deuces, Bert. 93 00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:31,892 You know the C-word's "cunt," right? 94 00:06:31,975 --> 00:06:32,893 Okay. Here we go. 95 00:06:32,976 --> 00:06:34,311 Okay. One last push. 96 00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:35,687 You can get it all in. 97 00:06:35,771 --> 00:06:37,189 Get it all in. We got it. 98 00:06:37,272 --> 00:06:38,482 It's gonna-- Getting it in! 99 00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:40,025 15 minutes! 15... 100 00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:41,818 Hey, babe! Look who's up! 101 00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:45,405 Babe, 96 workouts in a row, 102 00:06:45,489 --> 00:06:47,824 and I still feel like I'm sweating out toxins. 103 00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:50,160 -Still smells like your skin is pissing. -Two more. 104 00:06:50,244 --> 00:06:52,538 One more. Nice. 105 00:06:54,164 --> 00:06:55,165 Hey. 106 00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:59,044 Do you think people are gonna think I'm on HGH? Feel that. 107 00:06:59,711 --> 00:07:00,546 Feel my tit. 108 00:07:00,629 --> 00:07:02,798 No, like full-handed. Full-handed. Grab it. 109 00:07:02,881 --> 00:07:04,967 There you go. Nice. 110 00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:06,385 I'm making smoothies. 111 00:07:06,468 --> 00:07:08,595 Who wants smoothies? 112 00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,557 Mom, can you please tell him 113 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:14,351 not to do anything embarrassing at my party today? 114 00:07:16,019 --> 00:07:18,021 So that's how we're gonna start our morning? 115 00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:20,315 I haven't done anything publicly embarrassing 116 00:07:20,399 --> 00:07:22,067 in almost three months. 117 00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:25,112 Okay. 118 00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:27,197 But don't go overboard this time. 119 00:07:27,281 --> 00:07:29,157 I just want it to be with my friends. 120 00:07:29,241 --> 00:07:30,117 What friends? 121 00:07:31,702 --> 00:07:33,287 -So not cool. -Don't. 122 00:07:33,912 --> 00:07:35,956 Are those nut sacks? 123 00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:37,291 No. 124 00:07:37,374 --> 00:07:39,459 It's a pimple for Dr. Pimple Popper. 125 00:07:39,543 --> 00:07:42,212 Oh, you don't think that's a little gross? 126 00:07:42,296 --> 00:07:43,755 It's totally gross. 127 00:07:43,839 --> 00:07:45,424 That's why Sasha and I love it. 128 00:07:45,507 --> 00:07:46,884 If you think about it, 129 00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:50,137 it's kind of like a metaphor for her exploding into womanhood. 130 00:07:53,599 --> 00:07:55,309 What is wrong with this shirt? 131 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,147 Supposed to be like this? 132 00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:05,485 Hey, babe. 133 00:08:06,570 --> 00:08:08,780 If I stand like this, does it look tucked in? 134 00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,283 Don't wear that shirt. 135 00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:13,327 All right. 136 00:08:14,286 --> 00:08:15,913 What are these, my dad's shirts? 137 00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:20,334 Can you please help me pick out a shirt? 138 00:08:22,294 --> 00:08:23,128 Okay. 139 00:08:23,212 --> 00:08:26,590 I think that this therapy is making everything worse. 140 00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:29,009 I think you need to get back on-stage. 141 00:08:29,593 --> 00:08:30,969 That's definitely not happening. 142 00:08:31,053 --> 00:08:32,971 -Why? -Sit down. 143 00:08:35,057 --> 00:08:37,142 Have you ever seen The Nutty Professor? 144 00:08:37,226 --> 00:08:39,061 -No, I have not. -Okay. 145 00:08:39,144 --> 00:08:41,020 Eddie Murphy turns into this one guy, 146 00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:42,313 which is great at first. 147 00:08:42,397 --> 00:08:44,399 But then his family starts hating him 148 00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:46,485 and he starts hating himself. 149 00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:50,364 Look. 150 00:08:54,284 --> 00:08:56,370 I'm the Machine on-stage. 151 00:08:56,453 --> 00:08:58,747 I'm also the Machine off-stage. 152 00:08:59,998 --> 00:09:01,375 I got high and I got drunk, 153 00:09:01,458 --> 00:09:03,126 and I almost got our daughter arrested. 154 00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:04,670 I saw the look in her face. 155 00:09:05,754 --> 00:09:07,506 I was helpless and I couldn't do anything, 156 00:09:07,589 --> 00:09:09,466 and I wanted to kill myself. 157 00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:13,262 I will never let that happen to our family again. 158 00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:19,893 Well, fuck, now I wanna watch The Nutty Professor. 159 00:09:19,977 --> 00:09:22,187 It's a pretty good movie. I wish you had watched it. 160 00:09:22,271 --> 00:09:24,398 It's exactly what I'm going through right now. 161 00:09:24,481 --> 00:09:28,151 Maybe for now, for today, we keep it simple. 162 00:09:30,529 --> 00:09:32,239 -I can do simple. -Yeah? 163 00:09:40,122 --> 00:09:41,540 There she is. 164 00:09:41,623 --> 00:09:42,875 There's my birthday girl. 165 00:09:42,958 --> 00:09:45,210 Hey, Sash, what do you think of the party? 166 00:09:45,878 --> 00:09:46,753 It's kind of big. 167 00:09:46,837 --> 00:09:48,422 Kind of big and awesome, right? 168 00:09:48,505 --> 00:09:51,008 Hey, Bert, does the DJ have any glitchcore? 169 00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,134 Hey, Madison... 170 00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:56,680 I'll go check. 171 00:09:56,763 --> 00:09:58,056 -Hey. Hey. -What's up? 172 00:09:58,140 --> 00:10:00,559 I thought you said you invited, like, ten people. 173 00:10:00,642 --> 00:10:02,227 Oh, no. I invited a ton. 174 00:10:02,311 --> 00:10:03,854 Well, you can't risk no-shows, babe. 175 00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:06,064 And partying with six people is fucking depressing. 176 00:10:06,148 --> 00:10:07,774 I even invited parents that hate me. 177 00:10:07,858 --> 00:10:09,693 What's up, Madison's mom? 178 00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:12,613 That guy's a bitch. He is such a... 179 00:10:12,696 --> 00:10:15,324 -She's going through a divorce. Be nice. -Seriously? 180 00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:17,075 Hey, hey. This is a sweet 16. 181 00:10:17,159 --> 00:10:19,328 -It's a big deal. -Yeah, for Sash. 182 00:10:19,411 --> 00:10:21,622 I think Skeletor over there must be the DJ. 183 00:10:21,705 --> 00:10:23,123 Can you tell him where to set up? 184 00:10:23,207 --> 00:10:24,583 Yeah. Hey, Trainspotting. 185 00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:27,211 You have any glitchcore? Wait, is that my boom box? 186 00:10:27,836 --> 00:10:28,670 Yeah. 187 00:10:29,213 --> 00:10:31,924 -Is that my auxiliary cord? -Yeah. 188 00:10:32,007 --> 00:10:33,717 Oh, do you want my phone? 189 00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:35,677 Nah. 190 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:40,933 Fucking disgusting. 191 00:10:41,016 --> 00:10:42,559 Hey, don't do that around the kids. 192 00:10:42,643 --> 00:10:45,771 Actually, you know what? Stay away from the kids. We got music! I think. 193 00:10:45,854 --> 00:10:47,940 Gentlemen, what are you doing up here? Girls are in the pool. 194 00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:49,107 They're talking about you. Jump in. 195 00:10:49,191 --> 00:10:50,859 Take your shirts off. Don't piss in my pool. 196 00:10:50,943 --> 00:10:53,445 -Yo, Machine. -Not today, brother. Not today. 197 00:10:53,529 --> 00:10:56,532 Ladies. Steer clear of the DJ. Food's to the right, all right? 198 00:10:56,615 --> 00:10:57,908 Hey, Kreischer, no booze? 199 00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,826 Hey, Madison's mom, no husband? 200 00:11:00,869 --> 00:11:01,870 Fucking bitch. 201 00:11:04,540 --> 00:11:06,959 Killing it, B-Man. Killing it. 202 00:11:10,921 --> 00:11:12,130 Hey there. 203 00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:18,095 Dad? 204 00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:19,346 In the flesh. 205 00:11:24,852 --> 00:11:27,771 I see you haven't given up trying to learn how to barbecue. 206 00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:29,022 Good for you, son. 207 00:11:29,106 --> 00:11:31,567 Wait, what are you doing here? 208 00:11:32,317 --> 00:11:35,487 Well, I'm not gonna miss my grandkid's sweet 16. 209 00:11:35,571 --> 00:11:36,947 It's a big day. 210 00:11:38,657 --> 00:11:40,701 Right. Right. 211 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:43,161 Well... 212 00:11:56,008 --> 00:11:57,509 Not gonna flip 'em yet, huh? 213 00:12:00,721 --> 00:12:03,140 Might be... It's okay, it's okay. 214 00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:04,516 Really? 215 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:07,144 Well, I just don't want you to mess 'em up. 216 00:12:07,811 --> 00:12:09,771 You know, then people will be disappointed. 217 00:12:09,855 --> 00:12:11,148 You'll feel bad. 218 00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:13,692 It'll be all that, "Huh, remember Bert's barbecue? 219 00:12:13,775 --> 00:12:15,903 -Those burgers, yikes." -Goddamn it. 220 00:12:15,986 --> 00:12:17,321 Oh, see? 221 00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:18,780 Did you add egg to the mix? 222 00:12:18,864 --> 00:12:21,783 -Okay, Dad. -It binds. It moisturizes. 223 00:12:21,867 --> 00:12:23,327 Makes a much better burger. 224 00:12:24,328 --> 00:12:25,662 My dad showed up. 225 00:12:25,746 --> 00:12:26,997 -From Florida? -Yeah. 226 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:30,375 And it took about two seconds before he started making me mental with the... 227 00:12:30,876 --> 00:12:33,795 -Look at him! -Hey, Boo Bear! Hi! 228 00:12:34,296 --> 00:12:35,589 He's a monster. 229 00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:39,092 Okay, yeah. Breathe it out there, champ. 230 00:12:39,176 --> 00:12:40,844 -Hey, hey, Dad? -Yes! 231 00:12:40,928 --> 00:12:43,055 Yeah, no. The dog's pooping in the pool. 232 00:12:43,138 --> 00:12:43,972 What? 233 00:12:44,515 --> 00:12:45,557 Wait, how? 234 00:12:45,641 --> 00:12:48,727 You paid money to see my son take off his shirt 235 00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:51,271 and tell his made-up story about robbing a train in Russia? 236 00:12:51,355 --> 00:12:53,482 Dad, for the millionth time, it's a true story. 237 00:12:53,565 --> 00:12:54,942 It's my job, okay? 238 00:12:55,025 --> 00:12:56,443 And you should get back on-stage. 239 00:12:56,527 --> 00:12:58,737 'Cause I've seen you only, like, five times. 240 00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:01,156 You paid to see him five times? 241 00:13:01,990 --> 00:13:04,451 I'm just shocked that people would actually do that. 242 00:13:04,535 --> 00:13:05,452 Dad. 243 00:13:05,536 --> 00:13:07,287 You don't buy carpet five times. 244 00:13:07,371 --> 00:13:11,333 -Bye, Papa. -Oh, sweetheart. 245 00:13:11,416 --> 00:13:12,584 I'm sorry, I'm gonna go. 246 00:13:12,668 --> 00:13:13,794 Oh, don't worry about that. 247 00:13:13,877 --> 00:13:18,799 And you remember, you can call me anytime whenever you want to talk about... 248 00:13:18,882 --> 00:13:20,008 Well, you know. 249 00:13:20,884 --> 00:13:22,344 All right. Bye. 250 00:13:23,387 --> 00:13:25,180 Wait, where are you going? Hold on. 251 00:13:25,264 --> 00:13:27,015 -Bye, Bert. -Mr. Kreischer. Hey, stop! 252 00:13:27,099 --> 00:13:28,267 -What? -Where are you going? 253 00:13:28,350 --> 00:13:30,435 Mads asked me to go to Big Bear for, like, three days. 254 00:13:30,519 --> 00:13:33,230 You are not going anywhere. Hey, you're 16 years old. 255 00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:36,316 You're not going to Big Bear 'cause I know you're gonna drink beer and smoke pot. 256 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:38,610 I'll be fine because I'm not you. Okay? 257 00:13:38,694 --> 00:13:40,779 Okay, stop. That's fair. That's fair. 258 00:13:40,863 --> 00:13:43,240 I deserve that. I deserve that. Okay? 259 00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:46,410 Hey. Look at me. Look at me. Don't go. 260 00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:47,953 We wrap up this party, me and you, 261 00:13:48,036 --> 00:13:50,080 hang out tonight, we'll watch Dr. Pimple Popper. 262 00:13:50,789 --> 00:13:53,041 I don't even watch that show anymore, Dad. 263 00:13:53,125 --> 00:13:55,127 And I don't even know half of these people here. 264 00:13:55,210 --> 00:13:56,461 What, are you kidding me? 265 00:13:56,962 --> 00:13:59,047 You know-- What about this guy? You know this guy. 266 00:13:59,131 --> 00:14:00,299 -Ray Ray. -You know Ray Ray. 267 00:14:00,382 --> 00:14:02,384 Dad, I said I wanted a small party, 268 00:14:02,467 --> 00:14:04,845 and you promised that you wouldn't embarrass me. 269 00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:07,181 I'm just trying to be a good dad. 270 00:14:07,264 --> 00:14:08,265 See? 271 00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:09,975 It's about you. 272 00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:12,936 -It's always about you! -What are you talking about? 273 00:14:13,020 --> 00:14:15,689 How did I make it about...? How did you flip that? 274 00:14:15,772 --> 00:14:17,149 Don't do that! Don't leave! 275 00:14:17,232 --> 00:14:18,901 Don't you flip me off! 276 00:14:18,984 --> 00:14:20,444 Don't you get in that car! 277 00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:22,112 Don't get-- See? 278 00:14:22,196 --> 00:14:24,907 This is the C-word behavior I was talking about in therapy! 279 00:14:24,990 --> 00:14:27,284 I'm not saying it! I'm just pointing it out! 280 00:14:34,041 --> 00:14:36,502 It's your fat fucking fault! Asshole! 281 00:14:37,336 --> 00:14:38,587 Goddamn it. 282 00:14:46,845 --> 00:14:47,930 Son? 283 00:14:48,722 --> 00:14:49,723 Not now, Dad. 284 00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:53,060 We should... 285 00:14:54,311 --> 00:14:55,312 You know... 286 00:14:56,313 --> 00:14:58,857 if you're searching for a new path, 287 00:14:59,691 --> 00:15:02,736 there's always room for you at Kreischer Karpets. 288 00:15:03,946 --> 00:15:06,448 I'm good, Dad, okay? I'm good. I promise. 289 00:15:06,532 --> 00:15:07,658 Just give me a minute. 290 00:15:08,617 --> 00:15:09,618 Well... 291 00:15:10,327 --> 00:15:14,081 I just wasn't sure, you know, how you're making money 292 00:15:14,164 --> 00:15:18,168 if you're not doing the whole comedy thing anymore. 293 00:15:19,002 --> 00:15:21,296 Hey, I'm a grown man. 294 00:15:21,380 --> 00:15:22,464 I'll figure it out, okay? 295 00:15:22,548 --> 00:15:24,424 Yeah, all right, all right, you know. 296 00:15:25,175 --> 00:15:26,301 Just trying to help. 297 00:15:26,385 --> 00:15:28,053 Hold on right there. 298 00:15:28,136 --> 00:15:30,764 No, you're not. You're never trying to help, Dad. 299 00:15:30,848 --> 00:15:31,974 That's the point. 300 00:15:32,057 --> 00:15:35,060 When I got in trouble, what did you say to me? "Oh, don't be an idiot." 301 00:15:35,143 --> 00:15:38,230 My advice to you was don't do stupid things in public, 302 00:15:38,313 --> 00:15:40,274 -especially with the children. -Oh, same thing! 303 00:15:40,357 --> 00:15:41,692 Which is good advice. 304 00:15:41,775 --> 00:15:43,610 And you and Sasha wouldn't be where you were 305 00:15:43,694 --> 00:15:45,445 if you'd only listened to me. 306 00:15:45,529 --> 00:15:46,738 Oh, my God. 307 00:15:46,822 --> 00:15:50,117 Ma'am, the party's outside. Okay? 308 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:51,785 Are you the Machine? 309 00:15:51,869 --> 00:15:53,412 Oh, shit. 310 00:15:55,122 --> 00:15:57,082 Yeah, I am. And I can do a picture in a second. 311 00:15:57,165 --> 00:16:00,210 I'm kind of having a private moment with my father, okay? 312 00:16:01,879 --> 00:16:04,339 I'm here for the pocket watch 313 00:16:04,423 --> 00:16:08,177 stolen on a train in Russia 23 years ago 314 00:16:08,260 --> 00:16:09,887 by you. 315 00:16:11,180 --> 00:16:12,014 Okay. 316 00:16:12,598 --> 00:16:14,516 I'm having a shitshow day. 317 00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:17,936 So if this is some sort of TikTok prank, I'm about to lose my fucking shit. 318 00:16:18,812 --> 00:16:21,940 It's definitely a prank. Clearly, that's a fake gun. 319 00:16:23,734 --> 00:16:24,610 Or not! 320 00:16:24,693 --> 00:16:26,653 -She's got a fucking gun, Dad! -Yeah, I'm clear on that now. 321 00:16:26,737 --> 00:16:28,197 -Sit down! -Yes, ma'am. 322 00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:32,367 My name is Irina Ivanona Volgina. 323 00:16:32,451 --> 00:16:35,579 And I suggest you start remembering. 324 00:16:36,163 --> 00:16:38,290 It was 20 years ago. I barely remember that trip. 325 00:16:38,373 --> 00:16:40,709 I don't have a watch, and it's definitely not here. 326 00:16:40,792 --> 00:16:43,420 Then you're coming with me back to Russia to find it. 327 00:16:43,504 --> 00:16:44,922 Russia? 328 00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:47,007 Look at your daughter. 329 00:16:48,842 --> 00:16:50,761 So innocent. 330 00:16:50,844 --> 00:16:52,221 So pure. 331 00:16:52,804 --> 00:16:54,890 So vulnerable. 332 00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:57,601 Do you see that man? 333 00:16:58,352 --> 00:16:59,686 DJ Chemo? 334 00:16:59,770 --> 00:17:01,647 He will follow her on her trip. 335 00:17:02,314 --> 00:17:04,066 If you do not find my watch, 336 00:17:04,148 --> 00:17:05,526 he kills her. 337 00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:11,448 If you try to run, he kills her. 338 00:17:13,157 --> 00:17:16,244 You say a word about this to anyone... 339 00:17:18,288 --> 00:17:19,289 he kills her. 340 00:17:19,373 --> 00:17:20,874 Okay. Okay. 341 00:17:20,958 --> 00:17:23,836 I'll do whatever you want. Just let my daughter go. 342 00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:27,464 Listen, I'll do whatever you want. 343 00:17:28,382 --> 00:17:30,926 Just don't hurt my daughter. And let my father go, all right? 344 00:17:31,009 --> 00:17:33,345 He wasn't supposed to be here. He wasn't even invited. 345 00:17:35,013 --> 00:17:38,100 -I'm going with you. -Dad, you're not going with me. 346 00:17:38,183 --> 00:17:41,103 I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you failed to protect Sasha. 347 00:17:41,186 --> 00:17:43,897 -Dad, stop! You're not going! -He goes! 348 00:17:44,648 --> 00:17:47,276 If you need persuading in Russia, 349 00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:48,861 he might be useful. 350 00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:51,905 For torture. 351 00:17:52,614 --> 00:17:53,740 The car is waiting. 352 00:17:53,824 --> 00:17:55,284 We leave now. 353 00:17:58,537 --> 00:18:00,205 Dad, put your fucking hands down. 354 00:18:01,415 --> 00:18:03,208 Excuse me. Hey, Albert? 355 00:18:04,418 --> 00:18:06,044 Hold, hold, hold, wait up. 356 00:18:06,128 --> 00:18:09,256 Oh, my God. I haven't even seen you yet. I'm so sorry I haven't said hi. 357 00:18:09,339 --> 00:18:10,674 -Hello. -Hello, dear. 358 00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:12,759 There are so many people here. 359 00:18:12,843 --> 00:18:14,636 Hi. Oh, who is this? 360 00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:17,973 This is our Uber driver, Sylvia. 361 00:18:18,056 --> 00:18:19,224 Sylvia. 362 00:18:19,308 --> 00:18:20,434 Hi. 363 00:18:20,517 --> 00:18:22,728 Hi. Your Uber driver? 364 00:18:22,811 --> 00:18:23,896 Where are you going? 365 00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:27,900 Oh, my God. 366 00:18:28,483 --> 00:18:29,693 Yeah. I see what's going on. 367 00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:31,695 You two are gonna follow Sasha to Big Bear. 368 00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:33,780 -Yes, we are. -Exactly. Big Bear, yes. 369 00:18:33,864 --> 00:18:35,449 Cool. Great. Well, you know what? 370 00:18:35,532 --> 00:18:37,409 I'll just stay home, take care of everything, 371 00:18:37,492 --> 00:18:41,955 and the two of you can just fuck off on your creepy, little, puritanical-- 372 00:18:48,170 --> 00:18:50,339 I love you. I'm sorry. Kiss Tats for me. 373 00:18:50,422 --> 00:18:51,423 Dad, let's go. 374 00:18:52,424 --> 00:18:53,425 Where...? 375 00:18:54,134 --> 00:18:55,761 Good work, Kreischers. 376 00:18:57,095 --> 00:19:00,432 This is my bodyguard, Sponge. 377 00:19:00,516 --> 00:19:02,601 Sponge, like you absorb liquids? 378 00:19:02,684 --> 00:19:04,520 Absorb bullets. 379 00:19:27,125 --> 00:19:28,752 Two? You said one. 380 00:19:29,419 --> 00:19:31,421 Still think I made the story up? 381 00:19:31,839 --> 00:19:34,341 You cannot bring both. 382 00:19:34,424 --> 00:19:35,759 Too many questions! 383 00:19:35,843 --> 00:19:38,262 Oh, fuck! 384 00:19:38,887 --> 00:19:42,891 Never tell me what I can do. Ever! 385 00:19:45,394 --> 00:19:46,436 Move it. 386 00:19:56,405 --> 00:20:00,450 They said Machine had ice in veins. 387 00:20:00,534 --> 00:20:02,786 Could walk through the walls. 388 00:20:02,870 --> 00:20:05,664 Drink more than any man. 389 00:20:07,124 --> 00:20:08,959 I grew up hearing this myth. 390 00:20:10,460 --> 00:20:11,545 You. 391 00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:17,593 You're fat. 392 00:20:18,719 --> 00:20:20,554 And you have tits. 393 00:20:20,637 --> 00:20:22,472 Very disturbing. 394 00:20:22,556 --> 00:20:25,475 That's body-shaming. And honestly, I expect more empathy out of a woman. 395 00:20:25,559 --> 00:20:26,977 Such a disappointment. 396 00:20:27,060 --> 00:20:30,689 Like opening peanuts and joke snake pop out. 397 00:20:30,772 --> 00:20:32,316 Enjoy your flight, Machine. 398 00:20:32,399 --> 00:20:34,318 It will probably be your last. 399 00:21:12,064 --> 00:21:15,108 All right. When we land, I'm gonna create a diversion. 400 00:21:15,192 --> 00:21:17,402 What I want you to do is go to the embassy. 401 00:21:17,486 --> 00:21:18,320 Dad. 402 00:21:18,403 --> 00:21:21,281 Now, these people really know what they're doing around the grill. 403 00:21:21,365 --> 00:21:23,283 How can you eat at a time like this? 404 00:21:23,367 --> 00:21:27,204 Son, I'm a small-business owner from a "stand your ground" state. 405 00:21:27,287 --> 00:21:28,705 This is like a Tuesday for me. 406 00:21:28,789 --> 00:21:31,458 Machina, the myth. 407 00:21:31,542 --> 00:21:33,335 Your turn, huh? 408 00:21:34,211 --> 00:21:36,922 No, no. I wish I could. I just got a crown replaced. 409 00:21:37,005 --> 00:21:38,882 Oh, Machina. 410 00:21:38,966 --> 00:21:41,301 But I have an uneven jaw, and it took them forever to... 411 00:21:41,385 --> 00:21:42,970 -Hey, Bert. -What? 412 00:21:43,053 --> 00:21:45,973 You want to know why people respect Kreischer Karpets? 413 00:21:46,056 --> 00:21:48,183 Well, it's definitely not 'cause you spelled "carpets" with a K. 414 00:21:48,267 --> 00:21:49,685 No, that's just good marketing. 415 00:21:49,768 --> 00:21:54,064 It's because we install anywhere. 416 00:21:54,147 --> 00:21:55,983 We never show fear. 417 00:21:56,608 --> 00:21:58,026 We face it. 418 00:21:58,110 --> 00:22:02,698 So, Bert, don't show fear. 419 00:22:06,952 --> 00:22:08,871 You really shoehorned that message in. 420 00:22:09,538 --> 00:22:12,207 All right, Sponge, I guess I got next. 421 00:22:14,459 --> 00:22:15,836 Machina, 422 00:22:16,461 --> 00:22:19,506 all I have heard about you, and you have titty, huh? 423 00:22:21,008 --> 00:22:22,759 You're such a large man. 424 00:22:24,136 --> 00:22:25,721 You're so fucking big. 425 00:22:26,847 --> 00:22:28,390 Let's hope this works. 426 00:22:29,558 --> 00:22:34,897 I'm gonna show you what we in the States call "dad strength." 427 00:22:43,030 --> 00:22:44,031 Funny! 428 00:22:44,114 --> 00:22:45,240 Now... 429 00:22:46,325 --> 00:22:47,826 my turn, huh? 430 00:23:05,385 --> 00:23:08,639 Well, you showed fear. 431 00:23:12,559 --> 00:23:16,605 Son, I think this trip to Russia could give you some... direction. 432 00:23:17,105 --> 00:23:19,775 Look, I had this with me in Rome. 433 00:23:19,858 --> 00:23:21,610 Saved me more than a few times. 434 00:23:22,194 --> 00:23:23,445 You take care of it... 435 00:23:24,696 --> 00:23:26,156 it will take care of you. 436 00:23:28,867 --> 00:23:29,993 Your pocketknife? 437 00:23:30,994 --> 00:23:32,204 Ah, thanks, Dad. 438 00:23:33,288 --> 00:23:36,625 We hope our sons grow up to be the men we wish we could be, Bert. 439 00:23:37,709 --> 00:23:40,045 Maybe this trip can start you on that path. 440 00:23:40,128 --> 00:23:41,296 And also... 441 00:23:42,923 --> 00:23:45,384 if you lose that knife in Russia, 442 00:23:46,134 --> 00:23:48,595 I will disown you. 443 00:23:48,679 --> 00:23:50,597 Ah, funny story. 444 00:23:52,766 --> 00:23:56,061 I did lose your knife in Russia. 445 00:23:56,144 --> 00:23:57,563 Dad, I'm sorry. 446 00:23:58,647 --> 00:24:00,148 I knew you'd let me down. 447 00:24:01,775 --> 00:24:02,609 You did? 448 00:24:06,196 --> 00:24:07,781 Got your manhood! 449 00:24:07,865 --> 00:24:09,950 Oh, you took my testicles! 450 00:24:15,205 --> 00:24:16,665 -Hey there. -While you were out, 451 00:24:16,748 --> 00:24:19,084 -your father and I got to know each other. -Wait. 452 00:24:19,168 --> 00:24:21,920 Also, we watched Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid. 453 00:24:22,004 --> 00:24:23,255 The ending? Wow. 454 00:24:23,338 --> 00:24:25,257 Dad, that's our movie. 455 00:24:25,340 --> 00:24:27,926 Bert, we have to find this watch. 456 00:24:28,010 --> 00:24:29,553 You stole it. What'd you do with it? 457 00:24:29,636 --> 00:24:32,598 Jesus Christ. It's the top five drunkest I've ever been in my life. 458 00:24:32,681 --> 00:24:34,766 I'm usually drunk when I tell the story. 459 00:24:35,684 --> 00:24:38,020 Okay. Okay. Hold on, hold on. 460 00:24:38,103 --> 00:24:41,481 Give me a sec. Let me think. Let me think. God. I'm not good with guns at my head. 461 00:24:44,651 --> 00:24:46,528 Fedor. What about Fedor? 462 00:24:46,612 --> 00:24:49,531 He was the gangster on the train. Everything we stole, we gave to him. 463 00:24:49,615 --> 00:24:51,825 Yeah, I talked to Fedor. 464 00:24:51,909 --> 00:24:53,577 He doesn't remember the watch. 465 00:24:53,660 --> 00:24:55,037 So I killed him. 466 00:24:56,163 --> 00:24:57,372 Jesus Christ. 467 00:24:59,166 --> 00:25:00,250 Igor. 468 00:25:02,461 --> 00:25:03,462 Which Igor? 469 00:25:03,545 --> 00:25:05,130 I know like 50 Igors. 470 00:25:05,214 --> 00:25:08,800 Igor was the mobster that took care of our class. 471 00:25:08,884 --> 00:25:10,511 He lived with us in the dorms. 472 00:25:10,594 --> 00:25:12,304 Maybe he still lives in the dorms. 473 00:25:12,387 --> 00:25:14,723 Fuck school. Let's party. 474 00:25:18,310 --> 00:25:20,103 Then this is where we go. 475 00:25:24,858 --> 00:25:28,946 Can't believe you watched Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Fuck. 476 00:25:45,045 --> 00:25:47,256 Follow my lead. If we get a chance, we run. 477 00:25:47,339 --> 00:25:48,632 Is there a problem? 478 00:25:48,715 --> 00:25:52,261 Your documents indicate 11 passengers. 479 00:25:52,344 --> 00:25:53,512 But I count 12. 480 00:25:54,513 --> 00:25:56,515 I told you so. 481 00:25:58,267 --> 00:26:00,853 Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. 482 00:26:00,936 --> 00:26:01,937 Oh, my God. 483 00:26:03,438 --> 00:26:05,399 He's going down. He's going down. 484 00:26:06,608 --> 00:26:07,609 I count 11. 485 00:26:07,693 --> 00:26:08,694 Jeez Louise! 486 00:26:17,327 --> 00:26:18,412 Wait. 487 00:26:19,162 --> 00:26:20,956 That's me. I'm the Machine. 488 00:26:21,039 --> 00:26:22,791 Why am I on a billboard? 489 00:26:22,875 --> 00:26:25,043 Da. You famous. 490 00:26:26,170 --> 00:26:27,921 I'm hot folklore in the Soviet Union. 491 00:26:28,005 --> 00:26:30,549 The Soviet Union is dead, you ignorant fuck! 492 00:26:31,466 --> 00:26:34,052 We're Russia. We're strong. 493 00:26:34,136 --> 00:26:35,053 We're here. 494 00:26:37,472 --> 00:26:39,474 They turned it into condos. 495 00:26:41,435 --> 00:26:42,728 Oh, hello there. 496 00:26:44,396 --> 00:26:47,024 Hey, Dad, this isn't Orlando. Quit trying to work a threesome. 497 00:26:47,107 --> 00:26:48,692 Put it back in your pants. 498 00:26:48,775 --> 00:26:50,777 Well, that was rude. 499 00:26:50,861 --> 00:26:52,112 Move. 500 00:26:52,196 --> 00:26:53,947 Hey, here's where we took classes. 501 00:26:55,032 --> 00:26:56,533 This is where I met Igor. 502 00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:01,663 Twenty-three years ago. 503 00:27:02,164 --> 00:27:04,374 I should've taken more pictures of my dick. 504 00:27:25,229 --> 00:27:26,939 Okay, class, listen up. 505 00:27:27,648 --> 00:27:30,484 Do not expect an easy course load. 506 00:27:30,567 --> 00:27:31,902 It isn't a vacation. 507 00:27:31,985 --> 00:27:36,073 Your goal is to culturally bond with the indigenous citizens. 508 00:27:36,740 --> 00:27:40,661 This is Igor. He is a banditti. You will be taking courses... 509 00:27:40,744 --> 00:27:43,497 I actually don't speak much Russian. What is "banditti"? 510 00:27:43,580 --> 00:27:46,917 Oh, "banditti" is the Russian word for mobster. 511 00:27:47,501 --> 00:27:50,379 This is a class trip. How come we've never met? 512 00:27:50,462 --> 00:27:53,131 Oh, I don't go to class much. I'm Bert. 513 00:27:53,215 --> 00:27:54,883 Oh, Ashley. 514 00:27:54,967 --> 00:27:57,052 But Russia is a dangerous place. 515 00:27:57,135 --> 00:27:58,720 Igor is our fixer. 516 00:27:58,804 --> 00:28:01,473 He is only here for your protection. 517 00:28:02,307 --> 00:28:03,600 He is very dangerous. 518 00:28:07,771 --> 00:28:10,816 You are not to talk to or hang out with him. 519 00:28:10,899 --> 00:28:13,026 All I want to do is hang out with him. 520 00:28:13,110 --> 00:28:16,238 I never know what to believe about what you say happened back then. 521 00:28:16,321 --> 00:28:19,157 You do have a very active imagination. 522 00:28:19,825 --> 00:28:20,826 I imagine. 523 00:28:20,909 --> 00:28:23,954 -That's my issue. -Well, one of them. 524 00:28:24,037 --> 00:28:27,082 My father and I have a similar relationship. 525 00:28:27,165 --> 00:28:28,375 What the fuck is this thing? 526 00:28:28,458 --> 00:28:29,668 Is it an iPad? 527 00:28:30,377 --> 00:28:31,795 I got this, son. 528 00:28:31,879 --> 00:28:33,964 I am an Eagle Scout. 529 00:28:35,215 --> 00:28:36,633 What is an Eagle Scout? 530 00:28:36,717 --> 00:28:38,343 It's like if James Bond was a Mormon. 531 00:28:38,427 --> 00:28:40,596 An Eagle Scout can get in anywhere. 532 00:28:40,679 --> 00:28:42,848 You'd know that if you'd become an Eagle Scout. 533 00:28:42,931 --> 00:28:44,474 But no... 534 00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:50,355 My fist is Eagle Scout. 535 00:28:52,191 --> 00:28:53,525 I'll wait in the car. 536 00:28:55,027 --> 00:28:56,945 He has impulse-control issue. 537 00:28:57,029 --> 00:28:57,863 Very sad. 538 00:28:57,946 --> 00:28:59,448 Yeah. Steroids will do that to you. 539 00:29:00,616 --> 00:29:02,492 They really dressed this place up. 540 00:29:03,493 --> 00:29:05,787 Still have the world's smallest elevator. 541 00:29:12,169 --> 00:29:13,754 Tell Vanya they are here. 542 00:29:16,131 --> 00:29:17,716 Holy shit. 543 00:29:18,383 --> 00:29:21,303 There was a woman that sat right there. 544 00:29:21,386 --> 00:29:23,972 She absolutely loved me. 545 00:29:24,056 --> 00:29:26,600 Igor's room was all the way down to the right. 546 00:29:27,434 --> 00:29:29,520 I took a shit on a pizza box right there. 547 00:29:29,603 --> 00:29:31,438 Jesus, son. 548 00:29:31,522 --> 00:29:33,440 Eh, it got mixed reviews. 549 00:29:34,441 --> 00:29:37,361 Honestly, if I hadn't sprained that finger, 550 00:29:37,444 --> 00:29:39,154 probably would've made it to the league. 551 00:29:39,238 --> 00:29:41,323 But, you know, I wasn't about to lose a thumb war 552 00:29:41,406 --> 00:29:43,158 to a 12-year-old, you know? 553 00:29:43,659 --> 00:29:45,035 Here you go, dabushka. 554 00:29:45,118 --> 00:29:47,037 Gifts from your American friend. 555 00:29:48,705 --> 00:29:51,416 Gifts are a very important aspect of Russian life, Ash. 556 00:29:51,500 --> 00:29:52,835 Bet you didn't know that. 557 00:29:53,585 --> 00:29:55,504 Bet you didn't know your fly was down. 558 00:29:57,923 --> 00:29:59,967 Why are you telling us this? 559 00:30:00,050 --> 00:30:01,051 Sorry. 560 00:30:01,134 --> 00:30:02,761 Lot of memories being back here. 561 00:30:06,598 --> 00:30:09,685 Whoa, you live right across from Igor and the banditti? 562 00:30:09,768 --> 00:30:12,062 Do you ever hear, like, screams coming from their room? 563 00:30:12,145 --> 00:30:13,188 No, not really. 564 00:30:14,273 --> 00:30:15,274 Look at them. 565 00:30:15,816 --> 00:30:17,568 They're magnificent. 566 00:30:17,651 --> 00:30:20,112 How do I talk to them? How do I say my name? 567 00:30:23,365 --> 00:30:25,158 I planned the perfect sentence. 568 00:30:26,994 --> 00:30:30,289 But the second I was face-to-face with a real Russian gangster, 569 00:30:30,372 --> 00:30:31,498 I panicked. 570 00:30:32,249 --> 00:30:33,500 Ya machina. 571 00:30:39,631 --> 00:30:41,133 Ya machina. 572 00:30:41,758 --> 00:30:43,760 "Muchina" means badass. 573 00:30:43,844 --> 00:30:45,721 "Machina" means machine. 574 00:30:45,804 --> 00:30:47,431 I said I was the Machine. 575 00:30:47,514 --> 00:30:48,974 You're an idiot. 576 00:30:50,184 --> 00:30:51,685 Ya machina. 577 00:30:53,145 --> 00:30:54,146 Luckily... 578 00:30:55,230 --> 00:30:56,523 they thought it was hilarious. 579 00:30:56,607 --> 00:30:58,192 On machina! 580 00:30:59,651 --> 00:31:02,487 They introduced me to their world, and I introduced them to mine. 581 00:31:02,571 --> 00:31:05,115 Vodka, lemon, two teaspoons of sugar. 582 00:31:05,199 --> 00:31:07,659 -These are called lemon drops. -They're called lemon drops. 583 00:31:07,743 --> 00:31:11,997 Okay, they're from Florida, and they're fucking delicious! 584 00:31:12,080 --> 00:31:15,000 The Machine is powered by lemons! 585 00:31:15,083 --> 00:31:18,212 And the legend of the Machine was born. 586 00:31:22,508 --> 00:31:23,884 All right, all right, all right. 587 00:31:23,967 --> 00:31:27,262 This next one's a little thing I like to call Beavis and Butt-Head. 588 00:31:29,097 --> 00:31:30,474 His head is a butt! 589 00:31:30,557 --> 00:31:33,143 They had no frame of reference for American culture. 590 00:31:33,227 --> 00:31:35,938 Do I make you horny? 591 00:31:36,021 --> 00:31:38,190 Austin Powers? Really? 592 00:31:38,273 --> 00:31:39,316 Shut up, Dad. 593 00:31:40,192 --> 00:31:42,945 So I stole from the best, and they thought it was me. 594 00:31:44,446 --> 00:31:47,783 To them, I was just some crazy genius who could out-drink 'em all. 595 00:31:47,866 --> 00:31:50,369 I'm the Machine! 596 00:31:56,250 --> 00:31:58,293 I call this the "Macarena." 597 00:32:00,838 --> 00:32:02,130 Word spread fast. 598 00:32:02,214 --> 00:32:05,133 And the legend of the Machine just kept growing. 599 00:32:09,471 --> 00:32:12,057 Everyone in Russia heard the stories. 600 00:32:12,140 --> 00:32:14,142 You were folklore. 601 00:32:14,226 --> 00:32:15,936 I was good for Igor's business. 602 00:32:16,019 --> 00:32:17,437 People paid him to party with me. 603 00:32:17,521 --> 00:32:18,897 Wait! The stash hole! 604 00:32:19,565 --> 00:32:22,234 Igor's room has a stash hole in it, in the wall. 605 00:32:22,317 --> 00:32:24,820 And what does he keep in this hole? 606 00:32:24,903 --> 00:32:26,154 Beanie Babies. 607 00:32:26,655 --> 00:32:28,740 Come on. Drugs, money and porn. You're in the mob. 608 00:32:28,824 --> 00:32:31,535 But maybe there's something in there that can tell us how to find him. 609 00:32:31,618 --> 00:32:32,953 It's this one right here. 610 00:32:33,036 --> 00:32:36,123 I hope so, for your daughter's sake. 611 00:32:40,419 --> 00:32:41,295 Oi! 612 00:32:41,378 --> 00:32:45,632 -That's feminism. You asked for it. -Fuck you! Pussy woman-boy! 613 00:32:45,716 --> 00:32:47,843 Well, I see wokeness hasn't made its way to Russia. 614 00:33:03,692 --> 00:33:06,236 -The hole? -Yeah, right. 615 00:33:06,904 --> 00:33:07,905 All right. 616 00:33:08,572 --> 00:33:10,866 That wall used to go all the way down. 617 00:33:11,491 --> 00:33:12,868 If I'm not mistaken... 618 00:33:17,539 --> 00:33:18,415 Bingo. 619 00:33:23,670 --> 00:33:25,464 No watch. 620 00:33:25,547 --> 00:33:27,216 This is something way better. 621 00:33:27,299 --> 00:33:28,884 One of Ash's pot brownies, Dad. 622 00:33:28,967 --> 00:33:31,136 These things were gold back in the day. 623 00:33:31,220 --> 00:33:34,848 Why would anyone keep 20-year-old marijuana brownies? 624 00:33:34,932 --> 00:33:38,227 Ashley's pot brownies are the best thing I've ever tasted. 625 00:33:38,310 --> 00:33:40,562 They're mad strong, though, so only eat a little. 626 00:33:42,397 --> 00:33:43,565 Don't fuck. 627 00:33:45,442 --> 00:33:47,236 You're fucking with me, man. 628 00:33:47,861 --> 00:33:49,446 Go fuck yourself. 629 00:33:51,406 --> 00:33:53,158 Hey, how'd you become a banditti? 630 00:33:54,451 --> 00:33:55,452 One day, 631 00:33:56,954 --> 00:33:58,205 man told me, 632 00:33:58,288 --> 00:34:01,542 "Igor, help me with this thing." 633 00:34:03,502 --> 00:34:04,628 Thing was mafia. 634 00:34:04,711 --> 00:34:07,089 'Cause if I get hungry, I get hangry, and everybody knows 635 00:34:07,172 --> 00:34:09,424 marijuana goes bad after time. It's like the reverse of pickles. 636 00:34:09,507 --> 00:34:12,261 So no Igor, no watch. 637 00:34:12,344 --> 00:34:15,222 Just old money and pickle weed. 638 00:34:15,848 --> 00:34:17,933 This is not good for you, Bert. 639 00:34:18,016 --> 00:34:19,351 Fuck you. 640 00:34:20,601 --> 00:34:21,770 Vanya. 641 00:34:21,853 --> 00:34:23,563 It's not good for you either. 642 00:34:26,733 --> 00:34:28,318 What are you doing here? 643 00:34:29,862 --> 00:34:31,530 He is Machina? 644 00:34:31,612 --> 00:34:32,656 The man's man? 645 00:34:32,739 --> 00:34:34,199 Nah. 646 00:34:34,283 --> 00:34:37,119 He has... breasts. 647 00:34:43,876 --> 00:34:46,170 Your friend, Igor, 648 00:34:46,962 --> 00:34:49,547 he took over the trains to Moscow. 649 00:34:50,132 --> 00:34:52,509 And now I know where to find the watch. 650 00:34:52,592 --> 00:34:54,386 How do you know Igor runs trains? 651 00:34:54,469 --> 00:34:55,596 Because... 652 00:34:56,554 --> 00:34:57,973 I am respected. 653 00:35:01,018 --> 00:35:03,604 I make it my job to know these things. 654 00:35:03,687 --> 00:35:04,688 You? 655 00:35:07,274 --> 00:35:08,817 You are foolish woman. 656 00:35:09,526 --> 00:35:11,361 Playing pretend. 657 00:35:18,493 --> 00:35:19,828 I do not play. 658 00:35:27,836 --> 00:35:29,755 Holy cow! 659 00:35:33,383 --> 00:35:35,052 You're an insolent child, Vanya. 660 00:35:35,135 --> 00:35:38,388 Now you come with me on train or you go out window. 661 00:35:39,473 --> 00:35:42,100 -All right, let's go, Dad. Come on. -Yeah, let's go. Let's go. 662 00:35:43,310 --> 00:35:44,311 See you around. 663 00:35:47,606 --> 00:35:48,941 Put your hands down. 664 00:35:51,818 --> 00:35:53,695 Well, this is wonderful. 665 00:35:53,779 --> 00:35:55,697 We're about to be killed by gangsters. 666 00:35:55,781 --> 00:35:57,908 And you're pocketing ancient pot brownies. 667 00:35:57,991 --> 00:36:00,827 You say shit like that and you wonder why we haven't visited in three years. 668 00:36:00,911 --> 00:36:02,037 -So now it's my fault? -Yeah. 669 00:36:02,120 --> 00:36:03,914 I don't want to be around that shit, and neither do my kids. 670 00:36:03,997 --> 00:36:05,958 Your kids are great. Don't bring them into this. 671 00:36:06,041 --> 00:36:08,836 Oh, I know they're great, Dad. They're my kids. 672 00:36:08,919 --> 00:36:12,256 You know, your problem is you live this life where you get rewarded 673 00:36:12,339 --> 00:36:15,300 for indulging in your worst tendencies. 674 00:36:27,771 --> 00:36:29,273 Let's hope that was an adjustment. 675 00:36:30,691 --> 00:36:32,067 Meet you downstairs. 676 00:36:54,047 --> 00:36:56,592 Well, we should be safe in here. 677 00:37:15,485 --> 00:37:16,361 I got you, son! 678 00:37:16,445 --> 00:37:17,821 No, I got you! I'm covering you! 679 00:37:17,905 --> 00:37:19,573 -Everything's under control! -No! 680 00:37:44,806 --> 00:37:46,350 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 681 00:37:46,433 --> 00:37:47,559 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 682 00:38:03,158 --> 00:38:04,618 Lift! 683 00:38:04,701 --> 00:38:06,495 -No! No, no! Close, close! -Close the door! 684 00:38:06,578 --> 00:38:07,746 Shoot back, idiots! 685 00:38:13,502 --> 00:38:16,630 I will present the boss with your head, Machina! 686 00:38:16,713 --> 00:38:17,714 Dad. 687 00:38:17,798 --> 00:38:19,883 I can't use that. 688 00:38:19,967 --> 00:38:22,469 After I read Mandela's biography, 689 00:38:22,553 --> 00:38:25,931 I made a vow of nonviolence. 690 00:38:26,014 --> 00:38:27,474 You are dead! 691 00:38:27,558 --> 00:38:28,684 Dead! 692 00:38:28,767 --> 00:38:30,894 Fine. I'm just gonna shoot him in the leg. 693 00:38:58,213 --> 00:38:59,464 Let's go, dickheads! 694 00:39:06,221 --> 00:39:07,764 Goddamn it. Let go. 695 00:39:07,848 --> 00:39:09,933 No! I'm glad you're alive! Let go of me! 696 00:39:10,017 --> 00:39:12,144 -Get in the car, son. -I'm trying, Dad! 697 00:39:26,533 --> 00:39:27,701 Sponge! 698 00:39:28,368 --> 00:39:30,078 What happened to the fucking car? 699 00:39:30,704 --> 00:39:32,039 So bad. This is not going away. 700 00:39:32,122 --> 00:39:33,373 We need to get on that train! 701 00:39:34,166 --> 00:39:35,584 I'm gonna meet the devil. 702 00:39:35,667 --> 00:39:37,252 I'm going to fucking hell. 703 00:39:37,336 --> 00:39:38,754 -Oh, shit. -I'm at my lake house. 704 00:39:38,837 --> 00:39:40,589 -Goddamn it. -The fish are jumping. 705 00:39:40,672 --> 00:39:44,426 -I'm having mac and cheese for dinner. -Are you doing breathing exercises? 706 00:39:44,510 --> 00:39:46,553 You can't do breathing exercises for murder, Dad. 707 00:39:46,637 --> 00:39:47,930 I killed a man. 708 00:39:48,013 --> 00:39:50,807 Well, technically, you killed several men. 709 00:39:50,891 --> 00:39:52,434 Oh, God! You're not helping! 710 00:39:52,518 --> 00:39:53,894 -Hey. -What? 711 00:39:54,978 --> 00:39:56,104 It happens. 712 00:39:56,188 --> 00:39:58,106 I'm not gonna start smoking cigarettes. 713 00:39:58,190 --> 00:40:01,026 No, it doesn't happen. A speeding ticket, that happens. 714 00:40:01,109 --> 00:40:03,737 Shitting your pants at Best Buy, that happens. 715 00:40:04,530 --> 00:40:06,740 My brother Vanya was an asshole. 716 00:40:08,283 --> 00:40:10,202 Brother? Like your real brother? 717 00:40:10,285 --> 00:40:12,246 Like your mom and dad are the same mom and dad? 718 00:40:12,329 --> 00:40:13,413 Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. 719 00:40:13,497 --> 00:40:15,582 -I didn't know he was your brother. -Don't be. 720 00:40:15,666 --> 00:40:17,668 There is a power struggle in the mob. 721 00:40:17,751 --> 00:40:20,379 As oldest, I will inherit my father's empire, 722 00:40:20,462 --> 00:40:22,422 but Vanya wants control. 723 00:40:22,506 --> 00:40:23,966 Wanted control. 724 00:40:24,842 --> 00:40:27,094 -He's dead. -Oh, my God. 725 00:40:27,177 --> 00:40:28,804 I'm still getting used to it. 726 00:40:28,887 --> 00:40:32,599 What the fuck is happening? Get me the fuck out of here. 727 00:40:32,683 --> 00:40:35,018 Many others also want control. 728 00:40:35,102 --> 00:40:36,979 They say I cannot run mob because I'm woman. 729 00:40:37,062 --> 00:40:38,105 This isn't happening. 730 00:40:38,188 --> 00:40:39,022 Boss. 731 00:40:41,775 --> 00:40:42,776 Dad. 732 00:40:44,403 --> 00:40:46,738 Give me some life advice, some words of wisdom. 733 00:40:48,448 --> 00:40:50,075 Everybody's got to die sometime. 734 00:40:50,742 --> 00:40:51,743 That's it? 735 00:40:52,369 --> 00:40:53,620 That's your advice? 736 00:40:53,704 --> 00:40:55,914 Well, what do you want me to say? 737 00:40:55,998 --> 00:40:58,500 That vulnerability is scary and it's hard to open up? 738 00:40:58,584 --> 00:41:00,836 Yeah, Dad. That would've been great. 739 00:41:00,919 --> 00:41:02,087 Son. 740 00:41:02,171 --> 00:41:04,756 It was your mother that was the coddler, not me. 741 00:41:11,096 --> 00:41:13,140 Jesus. We got it, Sasquatch. 742 00:41:25,402 --> 00:41:26,570 Igor. Igor. 743 00:41:27,988 --> 00:41:29,156 I'm coming. I'm coming. 744 00:41:34,036 --> 00:41:34,870 Hey. 745 00:41:38,749 --> 00:41:41,293 My brother would have shot me if he had a chance. 746 00:41:43,462 --> 00:41:46,256 Thank you for making his death very fast. 747 00:41:47,966 --> 00:41:50,093 Well, then, can I real quick call my daughter, 748 00:41:50,177 --> 00:41:51,970 just to make sure she's okay? 749 00:41:52,054 --> 00:41:53,013 Don't push it. 750 00:42:08,529 --> 00:42:11,615 Now, this is the kind of Russian architecture I wanted to see. 751 00:42:11,698 --> 00:42:13,575 We're not on a sightseeing tour, Dad. 752 00:42:14,910 --> 00:42:17,120 Hey, Irina, I think this is gonna be great. 753 00:42:17,204 --> 00:42:19,998 We'll find Igor, we'll get your watch, and then you can let us go, right? 754 00:42:20,707 --> 00:42:22,000 Holy cow. 755 00:42:22,084 --> 00:42:24,127 This place hasn't changed a bit. 756 00:42:27,172 --> 00:42:28,006 Right there. 757 00:42:28,090 --> 00:42:30,342 That's where Igor introduced me to the train banditti. 758 00:42:31,051 --> 00:42:33,595 I cannot go on your student trip to Moscow. 759 00:42:33,679 --> 00:42:34,555 -What? -Yeah. 760 00:42:34,638 --> 00:42:36,765 Different mafia runs train. 761 00:42:36,849 --> 00:42:38,475 Igor, what am I supposed to do here? 762 00:42:39,518 --> 00:42:40,936 What you always do. 763 00:42:41,478 --> 00:42:42,938 This is Machine! 764 00:42:43,730 --> 00:42:47,025 If you give Machine vodka, you have great time. 765 00:42:48,235 --> 00:42:50,362 Come on, show them your character. 766 00:42:50,445 --> 00:42:52,281 British horny man. Come on. 767 00:42:53,866 --> 00:42:56,535 Do I make you horny, baby? 768 00:42:59,037 --> 00:43:01,915 -Do I make you randy? Yeah. -It's classic. 769 00:43:01,999 --> 00:43:04,668 You really like Austin Powers. 770 00:43:04,751 --> 00:43:07,337 Yeah. It was really big in the late '90s. Give me a break, okay? 771 00:43:07,421 --> 00:43:08,714 I get it. 772 00:43:09,756 --> 00:43:11,383 I get why they liked you. 773 00:43:11,466 --> 00:43:12,509 Wow, thanks, Dad. 774 00:43:12,593 --> 00:43:15,929 Your toxic masculinity was lighthearted and progressive to them. 775 00:43:16,013 --> 00:43:18,515 Yeah, well, your compliment sounds a little bit like a slam. 776 00:43:18,599 --> 00:43:21,727 -Quiet, fucked-up father-son. -Boss. 777 00:43:24,021 --> 00:43:25,731 This is the Moscow line. 778 00:43:26,648 --> 00:43:29,902 If Igor runs trains, this is where he will be. 779 00:43:30,652 --> 00:43:32,362 Be careful. 780 00:43:32,446 --> 00:43:34,239 Train mob is very dangerous. 781 00:43:34,323 --> 00:43:36,074 Don't worry. Igor's my boy. 782 00:43:36,158 --> 00:43:37,659 If he's here, we're all set. 783 00:43:37,743 --> 00:43:40,162 Yes, but he knows you. 784 00:43:40,245 --> 00:43:41,538 They don't. 785 00:43:41,622 --> 00:43:44,583 They look like they're cosplaying American History X. 786 00:43:44,666 --> 00:43:46,460 Let's go down further. 787 00:43:46,543 --> 00:43:47,836 Less eyes. 788 00:44:02,351 --> 00:44:03,352 Hello. 789 00:44:04,561 --> 00:44:06,104 You cannot park there. 790 00:44:11,026 --> 00:44:12,736 Bring me to Igor. 791 00:44:12,819 --> 00:44:14,363 Yes, sir. 792 00:44:17,324 --> 00:44:19,576 Doesn't that sound mean the train's departing? 793 00:44:19,660 --> 00:44:21,828 -Get on! -Wait, what's the plan? What are we doing? 794 00:44:21,912 --> 00:44:24,248 We stay on train till we find Igor. 795 00:44:24,331 --> 00:44:27,251 Get the plane, meet me in Moscow with the rest of the men. 796 00:44:28,544 --> 00:44:31,380 I cannot believe I'm doing this Moscow trip over again. 797 00:44:31,463 --> 00:44:32,840 Move. 798 00:44:32,923 --> 00:44:35,634 This train smells exactly like it did in '98. 799 00:44:39,805 --> 00:44:41,932 It smells like cabbage and grandmas. 800 00:44:42,015 --> 00:44:45,602 So long, Saint Petersburg! Hello, Moscow! 801 00:44:45,686 --> 00:44:46,728 Oh, sorry. 802 00:44:49,982 --> 00:44:52,651 Why does everyone here look like they want to punch me in the face? 803 00:44:52,734 --> 00:44:54,528 It's improper to smile in Russia, Bert. 804 00:44:54,611 --> 00:44:56,071 You save it for the people you love. 805 00:44:56,905 --> 00:44:57,906 Do you? 806 00:44:58,574 --> 00:45:00,534 -Really? -What even is that? 807 00:45:00,617 --> 00:45:03,620 So you want to stay up all night in the bar car or...? 808 00:45:03,704 --> 00:45:07,165 I don't know how you can drink so much and never gain any weight. 809 00:45:07,249 --> 00:45:09,126 I just have really great genes. 810 00:45:11,920 --> 00:45:14,423 Do you maybe want to hang in my cabin instead? 811 00:45:15,382 --> 00:45:16,466 I did. 812 00:45:16,550 --> 00:45:18,343 I definitely did. 813 00:45:20,554 --> 00:45:21,972 Fucking idiot. Fuck. 814 00:45:22,764 --> 00:45:24,975 Thanks, Dad, for the dull fucking knife. 815 00:45:30,480 --> 00:45:32,524 Ash. Hey. 816 00:45:41,491 --> 00:45:42,326 Yeah. 817 00:45:42,993 --> 00:45:44,369 Fucking ow. 818 00:45:49,291 --> 00:45:50,334 Way too much. 819 00:45:52,294 --> 00:45:53,295 Yeah. 820 00:46:03,347 --> 00:46:05,098 -Hey. -Hey, what are you doing? 821 00:46:05,766 --> 00:46:06,892 Not much. 822 00:46:06,975 --> 00:46:08,852 I don't know. It's pretty crazy in there. 823 00:46:09,561 --> 00:46:11,605 So you still want to hang out? It's cool if not. 824 00:46:11,688 --> 00:46:14,107 You know, I'm a big fan of romantic buildup. 825 00:46:14,191 --> 00:46:15,067 -Oh, yeah? -Yeah. 826 00:46:15,150 --> 00:46:17,694 Like, I don't even think Ross and Rachel should be together yet. 827 00:46:17,778 --> 00:46:18,612 No way. Me neither. 828 00:46:18,695 --> 00:46:20,697 -Right? Save that for the millennium. -Yeah. 829 00:46:20,781 --> 00:46:22,449 -I kind of think we should... -You. 830 00:46:25,077 --> 00:46:26,078 Hey. 831 00:46:27,913 --> 00:46:30,040 You are one they call Machine? 832 00:46:31,917 --> 00:46:33,627 Yeah, that's me. 833 00:46:38,131 --> 00:46:40,217 Fedor was the boss of the train banditti. 834 00:46:40,300 --> 00:46:42,052 He smelled like nicotine patches 835 00:46:42,135 --> 00:46:44,847 and looked at me the way Ted Bundy looked at coeds. 836 00:46:44,930 --> 00:46:46,807 It was horrible. 837 00:46:46,890 --> 00:46:50,143 Machine does not ride with the peasants. Come, come. 838 00:46:52,855 --> 00:46:56,525 Ashley, I'm gonna go hang out with these scary dudes for a little bit, 839 00:46:56,608 --> 00:46:58,902 and then I'll be right back, okay? I'll check back in. 840 00:46:58,986 --> 00:47:01,071 FYI, I'm a good bed sharer. 841 00:47:01,154 --> 00:47:03,282 Okay? Fun to cuddle with, no night farts... 842 00:47:03,365 --> 00:47:06,785 You left that girl, so you could hang out with a criminal? 843 00:47:06,869 --> 00:47:09,454 He's right. She was a sure thing. 844 00:47:09,538 --> 00:47:12,833 Yeah, well, I've never been good with sure things. 845 00:47:12,916 --> 00:47:14,877 But Fedor took me to the bar car. 846 00:47:14,960 --> 00:47:18,672 This place had booze, drugs, and here's the real gangster part. 847 00:47:18,755 --> 00:47:21,008 This is the Machine. 848 00:47:23,177 --> 00:47:24,386 They knew who I was. 849 00:47:25,304 --> 00:47:27,055 They like you, huh? 850 00:47:27,973 --> 00:47:30,601 I guarantee this is where we'll find Igor. 851 00:47:33,437 --> 00:47:36,106 I guess nobody parties in the bar car anymore. 852 00:47:36,190 --> 00:47:37,816 Especially Igor. 853 00:47:39,818 --> 00:47:42,237 You know, 23-year-old me loved this place. 854 00:47:42,321 --> 00:47:44,114 Now it looks like a truck-stop bathroom. 855 00:47:44,781 --> 00:47:48,410 I think your therapist would call that "growth people notice." 856 00:47:50,245 --> 00:47:51,246 Wait. 857 00:47:52,372 --> 00:47:53,999 Did LeeAnn tell you I was in therapy? 858 00:47:56,335 --> 00:47:57,336 Well... 859 00:47:58,253 --> 00:48:00,589 when she called to invite me to the party, 860 00:48:00,672 --> 00:48:02,758 she opened up about what you're going through. 861 00:48:02,841 --> 00:48:06,011 After Sasha's arrest, we were both worried you'd... 862 00:48:06,512 --> 00:48:08,013 well, you know, mess up again. 863 00:48:08,096 --> 00:48:09,890 Motherfucker! 864 00:48:09,973 --> 00:48:11,266 Does no one trust me? 865 00:48:11,350 --> 00:48:13,769 Or am I the guy that's only gonna mess up again? 866 00:48:13,852 --> 00:48:15,604 -You're making a scene. -A scene? 867 00:48:15,687 --> 00:48:18,565 I pay my bills by making a scene! 868 00:48:18,649 --> 00:48:21,026 I rip my shirt off and yell, "I'm the Machine!" 869 00:48:21,109 --> 00:48:22,110 Hey! 870 00:48:23,820 --> 00:48:25,614 Who says, "I am Machine"? 871 00:48:27,241 --> 00:48:28,242 You? 872 00:48:29,159 --> 00:48:31,620 They say Machine can walk through walls. 873 00:48:32,496 --> 00:48:34,331 Only a ghost can do that. 874 00:48:35,332 --> 00:48:36,333 You... 875 00:48:37,125 --> 00:48:38,126 you are not Machine. 876 00:48:41,421 --> 00:48:42,965 You want to see the fucking Machine? 877 00:48:43,048 --> 00:48:45,050 They want to see the Machine. You're getting the fucking Machine. 878 00:48:45,133 --> 00:48:46,051 Hey, where you going? 879 00:48:46,134 --> 00:48:48,262 First up, I don't normally do this for free. 880 00:48:48,345 --> 00:48:50,055 Secondly, you're dressed like dickheads. 881 00:48:50,138 --> 00:48:52,057 Matching Nazi dickheads. 882 00:48:52,140 --> 00:48:54,351 And third, you say it three times and he shows up. 883 00:48:54,434 --> 00:48:55,644 It's a lot like Candyman. 884 00:48:56,228 --> 00:48:57,771 You've already said it twice. 885 00:48:59,273 --> 00:49:00,274 That's me. 886 00:49:01,066 --> 00:49:04,403 That's me on this bottle of vodka that says "The Machine." 887 00:49:04,486 --> 00:49:06,572 -What are you doing? -Dad, sit down! 888 00:49:08,740 --> 00:49:10,701 I think we need to call the boss. 889 00:49:12,995 --> 00:49:14,705 -Igor. -Igor? 890 00:49:15,080 --> 00:49:16,957 This guy says he's the Machine. 891 00:49:17,624 --> 00:49:19,376 Igor, it's your boy Bert. 892 00:49:19,459 --> 00:49:21,920 You better have my watch, bitch. Finish it up. 893 00:49:22,629 --> 00:49:25,465 He looks like the cartoon on the vodka bottle. 894 00:49:25,841 --> 00:49:29,219 Only fatter. Yeah, with big titties. 895 00:49:30,137 --> 00:49:34,016 Someone is with him. Volgovitch's daughter. 896 00:49:35,517 --> 00:49:37,603 Go to VIP car. 897 00:49:42,357 --> 00:49:43,483 Igor want to see you. 898 00:49:43,567 --> 00:49:45,819 He will come to the bar car soon. 899 00:49:50,073 --> 00:49:53,994 But before that, it would be an honor to party with you... 900 00:49:54,828 --> 00:49:55,829 Machine. 901 00:50:00,417 --> 00:50:01,710 Strasvutsia, bitches. 902 00:50:02,419 --> 00:50:03,253 Let's do it. 903 00:50:07,257 --> 00:50:09,927 You do drink like Russian. 904 00:50:12,971 --> 00:50:15,974 -Alcohol is the universal language. -Yes. 905 00:50:16,058 --> 00:50:18,143 We're all drunk on the inside. 906 00:50:20,729 --> 00:50:24,399 So when do we meet the real Machine, huh? 907 00:50:25,567 --> 00:50:26,860 All right, listen up. 908 00:50:27,528 --> 00:50:29,363 I did it all for the nookie 909 00:50:29,446 --> 00:50:30,280 Come on 910 00:50:30,364 --> 00:50:31,406 -The nookie -Come on 911 00:50:31,490 --> 00:50:32,824 So you can take that cookie 912 00:50:32,908 --> 00:50:35,994 And stick it up your asshole Stick it up your asshole 913 00:50:36,078 --> 00:50:37,371 Stick it up your asshole... 914 00:50:37,454 --> 00:50:40,123 Hey! Hey, excuse me! 915 00:50:40,207 --> 00:50:42,042 Yo, teach. Hey, check it out. 916 00:50:42,125 --> 00:50:44,878 I'm culturally bonding with the indigenous citizens. 917 00:50:44,962 --> 00:50:48,882 Get your ass back to your cabin now! 918 00:50:49,800 --> 00:50:51,426 I did it all for the nookie 919 00:50:51,510 --> 00:50:53,262 -Come on -The nookie 920 00:50:53,345 --> 00:50:55,138 -Come on -So you can take that cookie... 921 00:50:57,266 --> 00:50:59,393 Fuck that bitch! 922 00:50:59,476 --> 00:51:00,894 This is... 923 00:51:00,978 --> 00:51:03,272 Russia! 924 00:51:03,355 --> 00:51:06,358 Dad, you said I had to go to Russia to find myself. 925 00:51:06,441 --> 00:51:07,484 Well, I did. 926 00:51:07,568 --> 00:51:10,279 I'm king of the world! 927 00:51:11,530 --> 00:51:13,031 That's how I felt. 928 00:51:13,115 --> 00:51:14,616 I was king of the world. 929 00:51:15,284 --> 00:51:16,159 Titanic? 930 00:51:16,243 --> 00:51:17,327 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 931 00:51:17,411 --> 00:51:19,705 I was stealing wholesale from A-list movies, 932 00:51:19,788 --> 00:51:20,914 but it worked. 933 00:51:20,998 --> 00:51:22,541 Let me tell you something. 934 00:51:22,624 --> 00:51:26,461 Entertaining criminals and sex workers was amazing. 935 00:51:26,545 --> 00:51:28,964 Maybe that's why I do so well in Florida, huh? 936 00:51:29,715 --> 00:51:30,966 They don't even get it. 937 00:51:33,135 --> 00:51:35,012 Tell us more stories, Machine. 938 00:51:35,095 --> 00:51:37,055 The bar car was a blast. 939 00:51:37,139 --> 00:51:39,391 But it's also where shit got real. 940 00:51:39,474 --> 00:51:41,185 What do you want, Fedor? 941 00:51:42,728 --> 00:51:44,980 Bread. Okay, cool. Wait. 942 00:51:45,856 --> 00:51:47,649 -I knew you said "bread." -Yes. 943 00:51:47,733 --> 00:51:49,526 I'm picking up the language. Give me another one, come on. 944 00:51:50,819 --> 00:51:51,862 Cheese. 945 00:51:51,945 --> 00:51:53,614 I'm basically fluent. 946 00:51:57,826 --> 00:51:58,827 Money. Got it. 947 00:51:58,911 --> 00:52:00,245 Cool. 948 00:52:01,371 --> 00:52:03,457 Oh, no, are we robbing this guy? 949 00:52:04,374 --> 00:52:05,542 Yeah, I don't... 950 00:52:05,626 --> 00:52:07,503 I don't really want to rob anyone. 951 00:52:07,586 --> 00:52:09,338 Yes, you do. 952 00:52:11,340 --> 00:52:13,383 Do it. Pussy. 953 00:52:15,052 --> 00:52:18,889 First him, then train. 954 00:52:18,972 --> 00:52:20,682 So that's what we did. 955 00:52:20,766 --> 00:52:22,059 -We robbed the train. -Yeah. 956 00:52:27,397 --> 00:52:29,274 I was terrified. 957 00:52:30,442 --> 00:52:32,110 They were practically giddy. 958 00:52:40,536 --> 00:52:41,620 Let's go. 959 00:52:42,871 --> 00:52:44,540 Fedor kept feeding me booze. 960 00:52:44,623 --> 00:52:48,252 Now you drink vodka. 961 00:52:49,795 --> 00:52:51,338 Let's go. Drink. 962 00:52:52,548 --> 00:52:53,549 That's it. 963 00:52:56,176 --> 00:52:58,720 I was completely out of control. 964 00:52:58,804 --> 00:53:01,473 I mean, the rush of it. Turned into a thrill. 965 00:53:01,557 --> 00:53:02,599 This is my room. 966 00:53:03,350 --> 00:53:06,937 I was robbing the train with the Russian mafia. 967 00:53:07,020 --> 00:53:08,564 And I wasn't dying. 968 00:53:08,647 --> 00:53:11,441 That's all my-- That's all my stuff. 969 00:53:11,525 --> 00:53:13,777 Wait, wait, wait. You're actually taking my stuff? 970 00:53:14,570 --> 00:53:17,990 Oh, no, no, no, no. That's my dad's knife. 971 00:53:18,073 --> 00:53:19,491 You can't take that. 972 00:53:19,575 --> 00:53:20,951 No, no, no. 973 00:53:21,034 --> 00:53:23,912 You can take the other stuff. But the knife? 974 00:53:24,454 --> 00:53:26,039 -That's my dad's. -Really? 975 00:53:26,123 --> 00:53:27,457 No go. 976 00:53:27,541 --> 00:53:29,585 I can't take, huh? 977 00:53:30,586 --> 00:53:31,962 I'm sorry, Dad. 978 00:53:33,088 --> 00:53:34,256 I let him steal it. 979 00:53:34,756 --> 00:53:35,674 It's all yours. 980 00:53:40,554 --> 00:53:42,264 Machine. 981 00:53:44,433 --> 00:53:46,101 I would've cut out his heart 982 00:53:46,185 --> 00:53:49,062 and make him watch it stop beating with his last breath. 983 00:53:50,606 --> 00:53:52,608 I guess we're just built different. 984 00:53:52,691 --> 00:53:53,692 The watch. 985 00:53:55,277 --> 00:53:56,904 Once I got really drunk... 986 00:53:58,906 --> 00:54:00,282 I robbed my class. 987 00:54:01,408 --> 00:54:02,868 I robbed my whole class. 988 00:54:03,702 --> 00:54:05,370 What the hell? Get out. 989 00:54:07,706 --> 00:54:10,459 Fuck that bitch. This is Russia. 990 00:54:15,255 --> 00:54:16,381 Ash. 991 00:54:16,465 --> 00:54:17,508 I'm... 992 00:54:18,467 --> 00:54:20,886 Woman hit man? 993 00:54:20,969 --> 00:54:22,596 That is new. 994 00:54:23,180 --> 00:54:26,975 I felt like a complete and total piece of shit. 995 00:54:27,893 --> 00:54:31,271 Give it. Fast, fast. Give me ring. 996 00:54:31,980 --> 00:54:32,981 Let's go. 997 00:54:36,860 --> 00:54:39,196 -Okay? -That's it. 998 00:54:39,279 --> 00:54:40,572 -Good boy. -Okay. 999 00:54:45,494 --> 00:54:46,828 I'll get it back. 1000 00:54:47,329 --> 00:54:48,497 I promise. 1001 00:54:50,165 --> 00:54:51,208 I'm sorry, Ash. 1002 00:54:51,750 --> 00:54:52,668 Yeah, fuck you. 1003 00:54:55,379 --> 00:54:57,256 Machine is the man. 1004 00:54:57,339 --> 00:54:58,757 Hey. Machine. 1005 00:54:59,466 --> 00:55:01,343 Igor need us in front of train. 1006 00:55:01,426 --> 00:55:03,345 You wait here. We come back with him. 1007 00:55:03,428 --> 00:55:04,513 Machine! 1008 00:55:05,347 --> 00:55:08,642 Enough of this pussy shit! 1009 00:55:09,434 --> 00:55:11,770 Do you talk about that part with...? 1010 00:55:12,813 --> 00:55:14,815 With Ashley when you do your show? 1011 00:55:14,898 --> 00:55:16,233 Obviously not, Dad. 1012 00:55:19,486 --> 00:55:21,321 But I think about it sometimes. 1013 00:55:21,905 --> 00:55:24,908 I think I liked that story better when I thought it was a lie. 1014 00:55:30,581 --> 00:55:34,126 And then what? Story of you being stupid idiot asshole is sad, 1015 00:55:34,209 --> 00:55:37,546 but you need to remember my watch. 1016 00:55:49,850 --> 00:55:51,059 I remember. 1017 00:55:51,560 --> 00:55:53,812 There was one last private cabin. 1018 00:55:58,150 --> 00:55:58,984 Please don't. 1019 00:55:59,776 --> 00:56:02,487 It's a family heirloom. 1020 00:56:02,571 --> 00:56:04,698 Fuck your heirloom. 1021 00:56:05,449 --> 00:56:06,450 Do it. 1022 00:56:08,994 --> 00:56:09,995 Sorry. 1023 00:56:38,857 --> 00:56:40,567 That was the watch. 1024 00:56:43,654 --> 00:56:45,447 My father was no criminal. 1025 00:56:47,241 --> 00:56:48,700 He was a salesman. 1026 00:56:50,244 --> 00:56:53,830 And then you stole the only thing he ever cared about. 1027 00:56:54,706 --> 00:56:57,251 He called police, but no one would help him. 1028 00:56:57,960 --> 00:57:00,379 It made him say, "Fuck honest living! 1029 00:57:00,462 --> 00:57:03,298 If you want respect, you have to take it." 1030 00:57:04,383 --> 00:57:07,970 And from there, he built our family. 1031 00:57:12,140 --> 00:57:13,308 Oh, my God. 1032 00:57:14,601 --> 00:57:16,562 I'm your origin story. 1033 00:57:17,229 --> 00:57:19,022 Most people see themselves as Batman... 1034 00:57:20,566 --> 00:57:22,651 not the guy who killed Batman's parents. 1035 00:57:22,734 --> 00:57:25,279 What did you do with the watch after that? 1036 00:57:25,362 --> 00:57:27,406 We went back to the bar car. 1037 00:57:27,489 --> 00:57:29,825 Fedor went through all the stuff that we stole. 1038 00:57:38,125 --> 00:57:40,836 I hate this song. 1039 00:57:43,380 --> 00:57:45,465 Listen, in Russia, 1040 00:57:46,383 --> 00:57:50,470 we always give gifts to a new friend. 1041 00:57:51,096 --> 00:57:52,347 Take, Machine. 1042 00:57:54,266 --> 00:57:55,934 He gave you the watch? 1043 00:57:57,102 --> 00:58:00,022 -Where is it, Bert? I need to know. -I don't know. 1044 00:58:00,105 --> 00:58:01,064 Machine. 1045 00:58:02,399 --> 00:58:04,026 Igor is here. 1046 00:58:06,028 --> 00:58:10,240 Igor, I present to you the Machine. 1047 00:58:15,579 --> 00:58:18,207 Your friend has aged even worse than you. 1048 00:58:19,416 --> 00:58:21,543 My men say: 1049 00:58:22,169 --> 00:58:26,632 "Come to meet famous Machine from a vodka bottle." 1050 00:58:26,715 --> 00:58:28,383 I say, "Why not? 1051 00:58:28,467 --> 00:58:29,927 You can take selfie." 1052 00:58:31,261 --> 00:58:33,055 But you're not famous. 1053 00:58:35,557 --> 00:58:37,267 You have tits. 1054 00:58:38,310 --> 00:58:39,853 Yeah, we've established that. 1055 00:58:39,937 --> 00:58:42,314 I don't know this guy. This isn't Igor. 1056 00:58:42,397 --> 00:58:43,607 Who are you? 1057 00:58:43,690 --> 00:58:46,443 I knew old Igor. My name is also Igor. 1058 00:58:47,236 --> 00:58:49,988 I took train from him, make him disappear. 1059 00:58:51,240 --> 00:58:52,407 My train now. 1060 00:58:53,033 --> 00:58:54,618 Wait, Igor's dead? 1061 00:58:55,160 --> 00:58:55,994 Yeah. 1062 00:58:56,495 --> 00:58:58,830 -And you're gonna die also. -Enough. 1063 00:59:00,332 --> 00:59:02,876 I'm Irina Ivanona Volgina. 1064 00:59:03,585 --> 00:59:05,379 You know who my father is. 1065 00:59:06,004 --> 00:59:08,924 These two dipshits belong to me. 1066 00:59:09,007 --> 00:59:12,803 Now go, if you want to live to see your children again. 1067 00:59:14,555 --> 00:59:15,681 Stupid bitch. 1068 00:59:16,515 --> 00:59:18,267 You think I didn't ask for permission? 1069 00:59:18,934 --> 00:59:20,143 Permission? 1070 00:59:27,985 --> 00:59:29,403 All right! 1071 00:59:30,404 --> 00:59:31,738 Listen up. 1072 00:59:32,364 --> 00:59:34,324 -Never show fear, right? -Yeah. 1073 00:59:34,408 --> 00:59:35,242 Now, look. 1074 00:59:35,784 --> 00:59:37,494 Wait, that's the knife you gave me. 1075 00:59:37,578 --> 00:59:39,955 No. I gave you one just like it. 1076 00:59:40,038 --> 00:59:41,748 I knew you couldn't be trusted with the original. 1077 00:59:41,832 --> 00:59:43,792 -I'm not an idiot. -Oh, my God. 1078 00:59:43,876 --> 00:59:45,836 You heard me pining about that knife. 1079 00:59:45,919 --> 00:59:48,797 You knew I felt guilty for losing it for like 25 years! 1080 00:59:48,881 --> 00:59:49,965 That's enough. 1081 00:59:50,549 --> 00:59:52,176 Dad, stab this bald fucker. 1082 00:59:52,259 --> 00:59:53,552 I'm sorry, son. 1083 00:59:54,136 --> 00:59:55,470 -But... -I can't breathe. 1084 00:59:55,554 --> 00:59:59,850 ...I swore I would never use a weapon for violence. 1085 01:00:09,735 --> 01:00:10,569 Hello. 1086 01:00:15,657 --> 01:00:16,783 Oh, my God. 1087 01:00:17,576 --> 01:00:18,952 She cut his throat, Dad. 1088 01:00:19,036 --> 01:00:20,954 Oh, no, don't touch it. It's bad. 1089 01:00:21,038 --> 01:00:22,539 Oh, why is he touching it? 1090 01:00:22,623 --> 01:00:24,708 Oh, no. Why are you smiling? 1091 01:00:25,626 --> 01:00:27,044 Stop. Stop right there. Stop. 1092 01:00:27,127 --> 01:00:29,463 What am I supposed to do, Dad? What am I supposed to do? 1093 01:00:29,546 --> 01:00:30,547 Hit him, son. 1094 01:00:35,219 --> 01:00:36,845 Oh, my God, Dad, I'm inside him! 1095 01:00:36,929 --> 01:00:38,138 Oh, my God! 1096 01:00:40,724 --> 01:00:43,352 Let go of my arm! I'll try to get it out! 1097 01:00:43,435 --> 01:00:45,062 He's so warm! 1098 01:00:45,145 --> 01:00:47,606 No, no, no, no, no! God! 1099 01:00:52,277 --> 01:00:54,404 God! Help me let go! 1100 01:00:54,488 --> 01:00:56,240 God! You're, like, fisting his neck. 1101 01:00:56,323 --> 01:00:57,449 Help me! 1102 01:00:57,533 --> 01:00:59,284 Son of a bitch! God! 1103 01:00:59,368 --> 01:01:01,912 It's like a pickle jar. Just let go of the pickle. 1104 01:01:01,995 --> 01:01:04,748 Damn it, Dad. It's nothing like a pickle jar! 1105 01:01:04,831 --> 01:01:05,832 Oh, shit! 1106 01:01:05,916 --> 01:01:07,543 Incoming! 1107 01:01:07,626 --> 01:01:10,087 Pull, pull, pull, pull, pull, pull, pull, pull! 1108 01:01:15,801 --> 01:01:16,802 Oh, my God! 1109 01:01:16,885 --> 01:01:18,637 Get it off! Get it off me! 1110 01:01:18,720 --> 01:01:20,013 Get it off me! 1111 01:01:20,097 --> 01:01:21,890 No, not that way! The other way! 1112 01:01:25,644 --> 01:01:29,064 Hey, were you saying "pull" or "pole"? 1113 01:01:29,147 --> 01:01:31,567 Does it really fucking matter, Dad?! 1114 01:01:32,234 --> 01:01:34,236 Why did he say he had permission to kill us? 1115 01:01:36,029 --> 01:01:38,282 I know where we can find out. 1116 01:01:42,119 --> 01:01:44,872 Hello. Can I have your attention, please? 1117 01:01:45,455 --> 01:01:49,042 We're here looking for whoever sent that large, bald man 1118 01:01:49,126 --> 01:01:51,044 to kill me and my son. 1119 01:01:51,128 --> 01:01:52,337 Dad. Hey, Dad. 1120 01:01:53,005 --> 01:01:53,839 Dad. 1121 01:01:53,922 --> 01:01:55,799 Maybe ease up on the Russian mafia, okay? 1122 01:02:04,975 --> 01:02:07,186 -Alexei. -It is so nice to see you, sister. 1123 01:02:08,187 --> 01:02:09,897 You have another brother? 1124 01:02:11,231 --> 01:02:13,233 Three of us. Now two. 1125 01:02:13,317 --> 01:02:14,902 But thank you for killing him. 1126 01:02:15,903 --> 01:02:17,738 He was pain in ass. 1127 01:02:19,031 --> 01:02:20,490 And very stupid. 1128 01:02:21,909 --> 01:02:23,785 You have the meanest family of all time. 1129 01:02:23,869 --> 01:02:26,580 Kind of you to say, Machine. 1130 01:02:27,289 --> 01:02:30,501 I can't agree with your methods or your business model, 1131 01:02:30,584 --> 01:02:32,836 but it warms my heart to see a son 1132 01:02:32,920 --> 01:02:35,464 willing to take on his father's legacy. 1133 01:02:35,547 --> 01:02:38,467 Albert, Machine's father. 1134 01:02:40,636 --> 01:02:41,887 Oh, sister. 1135 01:02:41,970 --> 01:02:44,765 I intend to bring our father the watch Machine stole. 1136 01:02:44,848 --> 01:02:46,099 It is over. 1137 01:02:47,184 --> 01:02:48,352 Give me Machine. 1138 01:02:48,435 --> 01:02:50,312 Machine leads me to watch. 1139 01:02:50,395 --> 01:02:51,772 I win. 1140 01:02:51,855 --> 01:02:53,815 All right. You win. 1141 01:02:53,899 --> 01:02:55,192 You get the watch. 1142 01:02:57,027 --> 01:02:58,237 It is here? 1143 01:02:58,320 --> 01:03:00,072 Oh, yeah. It is here. 1144 01:03:01,281 --> 01:03:02,157 In this room. 1145 01:03:03,992 --> 01:03:06,870 We don't have it. We came to collect it. 1146 01:03:10,040 --> 01:03:10,916 From him. 1147 01:03:11,458 --> 01:03:12,584 Keyser Söze. 1148 01:03:13,836 --> 01:03:15,420 Keyser Söze? 1149 01:03:15,504 --> 01:03:18,131 Yeah, he has it. Go ahead, give it to him. 1150 01:03:18,215 --> 01:03:20,175 Who the fuck is Keyser Söze? 1151 01:03:20,676 --> 01:03:22,219 Yep, it's his now. 1152 01:03:22,302 --> 01:03:23,428 I'm out of the equation. 1153 01:03:34,273 --> 01:03:35,524 Where are we going? 1154 01:03:35,607 --> 01:03:36,942 You're gonna get us all killed! 1155 01:03:37,025 --> 01:03:38,277 Shut up and run. 1156 01:03:40,279 --> 01:03:41,321 There we go. 1157 01:03:52,457 --> 01:03:53,458 Fuck! 1158 01:03:57,963 --> 01:03:59,673 You make me chase you. 1159 01:04:02,593 --> 01:04:03,802 Not nice. 1160 01:04:06,054 --> 01:04:08,015 You think you're so cool. 1161 01:04:08,807 --> 01:04:12,060 Sister, do you really think you'd take over family? 1162 01:04:14,313 --> 01:04:15,314 Why? 1163 01:04:16,773 --> 01:04:18,609 I'm strong. I'm smart. 1164 01:04:18,692 --> 01:04:20,569 Please. You are a woman. 1165 01:04:22,738 --> 01:04:24,323 The world is changing. 1166 01:04:25,157 --> 01:04:26,658 Even for our family. 1167 01:04:26,742 --> 01:04:30,495 Father and I, we laugh about your delusions. 1168 01:04:33,707 --> 01:04:37,002 You and Father always underestimate me. 1169 01:04:38,712 --> 01:04:39,796 But you know what? 1170 01:04:41,465 --> 01:04:43,717 I deserve to be treated as an equal. 1171 01:04:44,676 --> 01:04:45,677 Agreed. 1172 01:05:04,947 --> 01:05:06,365 -Hey. -Jesus. 1173 01:05:06,448 --> 01:05:08,242 I like this feminism thing. 1174 01:05:09,409 --> 01:05:12,746 And if you don't want me to kill your father next, 1175 01:05:13,288 --> 01:05:15,123 you will take me to the watch. 1176 01:05:15,207 --> 01:05:18,168 All right. Stop, stop, stop, stop. I'm gonna do whatever you want. 1177 01:05:18,252 --> 01:05:20,379 Don't hurt my father, okay? Give me a second. 1178 01:05:20,462 --> 01:05:22,422 Dad. Dad, Dad, Dad. Listen to me. Listen to me. 1179 01:05:22,506 --> 01:05:23,841 We're gonna be fine. We're gonna be a team. 1180 01:05:23,924 --> 01:05:25,384 Dad, listen to me right now, okay? 1181 01:05:25,467 --> 01:05:27,970 Butch Cassidy and Sundance. End of the movie, Dad. 1182 01:05:28,053 --> 01:05:30,514 -Waterfall. We're gonna waterfall. -Enough. 1183 01:05:32,975 --> 01:05:35,060 This is for your own good. 1184 01:05:41,984 --> 01:05:46,071 Dad! 1185 01:05:56,957 --> 01:06:00,043 My son is a moron. You were wasting your time. 1186 01:06:00,127 --> 01:06:01,670 I'll help find your watch. 1187 01:06:02,296 --> 01:06:06,341 But only if you promise to keep my granddaughter safe. 1188 01:06:12,639 --> 01:06:15,475 You are a very good father. 1189 01:06:27,404 --> 01:06:28,739 A cop pulled us over. 1190 01:06:28,822 --> 01:06:30,365 Dad, there's a cop. 1191 01:06:30,449 --> 01:06:33,368 Officer, no, I don't have a driver's license. 1192 01:06:33,452 --> 01:06:35,454 My dad's in the backseat. 1193 01:06:35,537 --> 01:06:38,123 Dad, stop. Shit, Dad. 1194 01:06:38,207 --> 01:06:39,291 Dad, wake up. 1195 01:06:44,588 --> 01:06:46,131 Oh, God. 1196 01:06:51,053 --> 01:06:52,387 Oh, shit. 1197 01:06:55,933 --> 01:06:58,018 Son of a bitch. 1198 01:07:07,361 --> 01:07:09,947 Hello? 1199 01:07:10,030 --> 01:07:11,198 Fucking Dad. 1200 01:07:12,449 --> 01:07:13,450 I'm tired. 1201 01:07:14,660 --> 01:07:17,329 I'm sore. I'm hungry. 1202 01:07:18,205 --> 01:07:19,206 I'm hungry. 1203 01:07:25,963 --> 01:07:27,214 Thank you, Ash. 1204 01:07:51,864 --> 01:07:52,948 Wait. 1205 01:07:53,782 --> 01:07:54,616 Hey. 1206 01:07:54,700 --> 01:07:55,951 Is my daughter okay? 1207 01:07:56,577 --> 01:07:57,411 No. 1208 01:07:59,955 --> 01:08:02,249 My son is a moron. 1209 01:08:04,293 --> 01:08:05,919 Hey, what's up, sleepyhead? 1210 01:08:06,461 --> 01:08:08,881 -What's this thing? -It's a mace. 1211 01:08:09,631 --> 01:08:10,924 The fuck are you doing here? 1212 01:08:11,008 --> 01:08:13,177 Oh, I'm not here. You're just really high. 1213 01:08:16,180 --> 01:08:17,639 I am really high. 1214 01:08:22,269 --> 01:08:24,729 God, I came to Russia to become a man. 1215 01:08:24,813 --> 01:08:26,814 All I became was an asshole criminal. 1216 01:08:26,899 --> 01:08:29,902 Yeah. You're gonna hang on to that for a while. 1217 01:08:29,984 --> 01:08:32,112 A lot of it, all the shit that happened on the train. 1218 01:08:32,738 --> 01:08:35,782 But, hey, that shirtless idiot thing? 1219 01:08:36,867 --> 01:08:38,243 It pays off bigtime. 1220 01:08:38,327 --> 01:08:39,411 -Really? -Oh, yeah. 1221 01:08:39,493 --> 01:08:41,121 -Yeah? -Oh, dude. 1222 01:08:41,205 --> 01:08:44,249 This trip to Russia sets you on a path. 1223 01:08:44,832 --> 01:08:46,960 You, my friend, are great at making people laugh. 1224 01:08:47,044 --> 01:08:48,086 Thanks, man. 1225 01:08:49,671 --> 01:08:51,590 -I am gonna be okay. -Yeah. 1226 01:08:52,256 --> 01:08:55,093 And then your wife's gonna put you in therapy. 1227 01:08:55,176 --> 01:08:56,886 -We're married? -Oh, yeah. 1228 01:08:56,970 --> 01:08:58,263 Is she hot? 1229 01:08:58,346 --> 01:08:59,973 -I mean, yeah. -Wait, what do you mean? 1230 01:09:00,057 --> 01:09:03,227 I mean, I think she's hot. I think she's hot. I mean, she's 50. 1231 01:09:05,645 --> 01:09:07,689 You married a 50-year-old? 1232 01:09:08,273 --> 01:09:10,901 Dude, what the fuck? I thought you said we were gonna be okay. 1233 01:09:10,984 --> 01:09:12,402 No, I forgot how dumb I am. 1234 01:09:12,486 --> 01:09:13,819 We married her when she was 30. 1235 01:09:13,904 --> 01:09:16,615 She was-- She still is a smoke show. She's hot as shit, okay? 1236 01:09:16,698 --> 01:09:18,908 -Okay. -Don't make me defend our wife. 1237 01:09:19,493 --> 01:09:20,577 She's a great mom. 1238 01:09:21,787 --> 01:09:22,621 We got kids? 1239 01:09:22,703 --> 01:09:23,705 -Yeah. -Boys? 1240 01:09:23,788 --> 01:09:25,374 Ah, I knew we'd have boys. 1241 01:09:25,457 --> 01:09:26,792 I always wanted to have boys. 1242 01:09:26,875 --> 01:09:28,210 Look at us. 1243 01:09:28,292 --> 01:09:31,880 Both of us just figuring ourselves out. 1244 01:09:33,715 --> 01:09:35,175 Well, I am. 1245 01:09:35,801 --> 01:09:37,344 You're still pretty lost. 1246 01:09:37,426 --> 01:09:40,055 I mean, you're literally lost in a forest. 1247 01:09:40,138 --> 01:09:41,473 High on a pot brownie. 1248 01:09:41,557 --> 01:09:44,017 'Cause your dad kicked you off a train. 1249 01:09:44,100 --> 01:09:45,352 Because he hates you. 1250 01:09:45,435 --> 01:09:48,564 Because you can't save your own daughter, who hates you. 1251 01:09:48,647 --> 01:09:51,649 Now your wife's gonna hate you. Your whole family pretty much hates you. 1252 01:09:51,733 --> 01:09:52,984 Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. 1253 01:09:53,068 --> 01:09:55,404 I know this. I know this. Why are you doing this to me? 1254 01:09:55,487 --> 01:09:58,073 'Cause I'm trying to save you. You're about to get shot. 1255 01:09:59,616 --> 01:10:00,450 How so? 1256 01:10:00,534 --> 01:10:03,954 You're about to get shot. 1257 01:10:04,037 --> 01:10:06,039 Meaning what? 1258 01:10:06,123 --> 01:10:07,791 You're under fire. 1259 01:10:21,388 --> 01:10:22,848 Fuck! God! 1260 01:10:23,682 --> 01:10:24,850 Oh, my God! 1261 01:10:26,268 --> 01:10:27,269 Fuck. 1262 01:10:46,622 --> 01:10:47,706 Bert? 1263 01:10:48,540 --> 01:10:49,541 Igor? 1264 01:10:53,712 --> 01:10:55,756 -Bert. -Igor! 1265 01:10:56,673 --> 01:10:58,592 -Machina! -Igor! 1266 01:10:58,675 --> 01:11:01,512 You look like a big bear. I mean, what? 1267 01:11:03,055 --> 01:11:05,807 -God. -My friend, you are here. 1268 01:11:05,891 --> 01:11:09,436 I can't believe you're alive. Oh, shit. It's good to see you. 1269 01:11:13,815 --> 01:11:15,192 Do you have any snacks? 1270 01:11:18,737 --> 01:11:20,822 This is my home. 1271 01:11:20,906 --> 01:11:21,990 For years now. 1272 01:11:22,074 --> 01:11:24,952 -Nice. It's kind of like West Virginia. -Yeah. West Vagina. 1273 01:11:25,035 --> 01:11:27,996 Igor! Deuces. 1274 01:11:28,080 --> 01:11:29,623 That's uncircumcised. 1275 01:11:32,251 --> 01:11:33,836 -You almost hit that guy, Igor. -Yeah. 1276 01:11:35,420 --> 01:11:36,755 It's a tradition here. 1277 01:11:37,381 --> 01:11:38,674 Ah, look at this. 1278 01:11:39,299 --> 01:11:40,425 This is it. 1279 01:11:41,426 --> 01:11:42,594 -This is your house? -Yeah. 1280 01:11:48,141 --> 01:11:49,685 Holy shit. 1281 01:11:51,645 --> 01:11:52,771 Wait, are these all your kids? 1282 01:11:52,855 --> 01:11:55,524 Yeah, this is most of my kids. 1283 01:11:55,607 --> 01:11:56,692 Oh, my God. 1284 01:11:59,528 --> 01:12:01,238 Jesus, you know you can pull out, right? 1285 01:12:01,321 --> 01:12:04,324 Yes, but my dick is little bit longer, so I'm like: 1286 01:12:04,408 --> 01:12:06,577 -Oh, like a magician. -Magician! 1287 01:12:06,660 --> 01:12:08,412 -With the scarves! -Yeah. 1288 01:12:08,495 --> 01:12:09,872 -Hey. -I missed you. 1289 01:12:14,710 --> 01:12:15,669 ...Machina! 1290 01:12:15,752 --> 01:12:17,629 Hey! Yeah! 1291 01:12:17,713 --> 01:12:19,214 -Oh, Machina! -Yeah! 1292 01:12:28,098 --> 01:12:28,932 Igor. 1293 01:12:29,016 --> 01:12:30,475 Igor, Igor. 1294 01:12:33,770 --> 01:12:36,899 My wife, she's a big fan of you, Machine. 1295 01:12:37,357 --> 01:12:38,442 Many in village are. 1296 01:12:38,525 --> 01:12:40,194 They listen to your podcast. 1297 01:12:40,277 --> 01:12:42,112 Why no new episodes? 1298 01:12:42,196 --> 01:12:44,031 Igor, have you killed the bear? 1299 01:12:44,364 --> 01:12:47,534 Not yet. But this is better! 1300 01:12:47,618 --> 01:12:49,536 I find friend, Machine. Real one! 1301 01:12:50,621 --> 01:12:53,749 Blessed day for our village! 1302 01:12:53,832 --> 01:12:59,046 First you find Machine, then I find whore! 1303 01:12:59,129 --> 01:13:00,923 -She find whore. -What? 1304 01:13:10,265 --> 01:13:13,143 Holy shit! Irina! You're alive! 1305 01:13:13,227 --> 01:13:15,312 How the fuck are you still alive? 1306 01:13:15,395 --> 01:13:17,731 Goddamn it. Oh, my God! 1307 01:13:18,273 --> 01:13:20,234 Would you like to buy her for the fucking? 1308 01:13:20,317 --> 01:13:21,860 I don't know. 1309 01:13:21,944 --> 01:13:23,946 What do you think? How much? 1310 01:13:24,029 --> 01:13:25,697 More than you have. 1311 01:13:26,406 --> 01:13:27,699 I don't know, maybe-- 1312 01:13:27,783 --> 01:13:29,910 Oh, my God! What happened to your leg? 1313 01:13:29,993 --> 01:13:31,203 Oh, that looks bad. 1314 01:13:31,286 --> 01:13:33,372 Here, tell me if you feel this. 1315 01:13:34,581 --> 01:13:36,708 Igor! Help! I know this whore! 1316 01:13:36,792 --> 01:13:38,085 Let's get her in your house! 1317 01:13:38,168 --> 01:13:41,296 -Here. -Igor, do you have any hydrogen peroxide? 1318 01:13:41,380 --> 01:13:44,132 No, but we have many kind of animal spit. 1319 01:13:44,216 --> 01:13:45,717 -Okay, well, here you go. -Fuck! 1320 01:13:45,801 --> 01:13:47,803 Okay, you're fine. No, no, no. We're good. 1321 01:13:47,886 --> 01:13:50,180 -Fuck! -Just get me something to dress it with. 1322 01:13:50,889 --> 01:13:52,850 I gotta get this boot off. 1323 01:13:53,517 --> 01:13:56,061 -Okay. Okay, here we go. -Okay. Wait, wait, be careful. 1324 01:13:57,896 --> 01:13:58,897 All right. 1325 01:14:00,065 --> 01:14:01,942 Oh, it's pretty bad. Okay. 1326 01:14:03,777 --> 01:14:05,988 -Oh, is it bad? -It's not that bad. 1327 01:14:06,071 --> 01:14:08,031 -Is it that bad? Oh, fuck! -It's not that bad. 1328 01:14:08,115 --> 01:14:09,157 I just can't look at it. 1329 01:14:10,242 --> 01:14:11,451 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 1330 01:14:11,535 --> 01:14:13,203 -I'm sorry. I'm sorry. -Fuck! 1331 01:14:13,287 --> 01:14:14,746 It's fine. It's fine. 1332 01:14:15,372 --> 01:14:17,249 Did you just put it in your pocket? 1333 01:14:17,332 --> 01:14:18,667 I didn't know where to put it. 1334 01:14:18,750 --> 01:14:21,420 Oh, I'm gonna be sick now. Oh, fuck! 1335 01:14:21,503 --> 01:14:23,881 Don't you throw up. If you throw up, I'm gonna throw up. 1336 01:14:23,964 --> 01:14:26,258 Don't throw up. Don't throw up. Please don't throw up. 1337 01:14:26,341 --> 01:14:29,761 -I won't throw up. You don't throw up. -I won't throw up, if you don't throw up. 1338 01:14:29,845 --> 01:14:31,471 -I'll trust you. Okay. -Deal. 1339 01:14:31,555 --> 01:14:33,473 Oh, God. Okay. 1340 01:14:34,892 --> 01:14:37,477 -Just do something about it! -I don't think I can do this. 1341 01:14:38,187 --> 01:14:39,521 Give me a pep talk. 1342 01:14:39,605 --> 01:14:42,274 -Just pull it out. You can do it. -Okay. 1343 01:14:42,357 --> 01:14:44,693 -I can do it? -You can do it. Just pull it out. Okay? 1344 01:14:44,776 --> 01:14:46,486 -One, two... -Three, two... 1345 01:14:46,570 --> 01:14:47,446 No, wait. No, wait. 1346 01:14:47,529 --> 01:14:50,240 -Three! Two! One! -Three! Two! One! 1347 01:14:55,829 --> 01:14:57,414 I did it! I did it! 1348 01:14:58,248 --> 01:14:59,791 You're not gonna... 1349 01:15:08,091 --> 01:15:10,260 So anyway, I shoot the dude, 1350 01:15:10,344 --> 01:15:12,846 he shoots another dude, dude shoots another dude. 1351 01:15:12,930 --> 01:15:16,016 Three dudes, one-- Four-- Three-- Three bullets. 1352 01:15:16,099 --> 01:15:18,602 It was top ten all-time kills for me. Hell, yeah! 1353 01:15:18,685 --> 01:15:20,521 Yeah. Oh, is this...? 1354 01:15:20,604 --> 01:15:23,440 -Are we high-fiving a murder? -Yeah. 1355 01:15:23,524 --> 01:15:25,734 Hey, where is your father now? 1356 01:15:25,817 --> 01:15:27,903 Who the fuck knows? 1357 01:15:27,986 --> 01:15:30,781 Let me tell you something. If he is alive, I'm fucking killing him. 1358 01:15:32,449 --> 01:15:34,409 Hey, Igor, what brought you here? 1359 01:15:34,493 --> 01:15:36,411 Hey, thanks to you, Bert. 1360 01:15:36,495 --> 01:15:38,080 -Me? -Yeah. 1361 01:15:38,163 --> 01:15:39,164 What? 1362 01:15:39,248 --> 01:15:42,626 When I saw how you find joy in every moment, 1363 01:15:42,709 --> 01:15:46,171 it make me think, "Mafia is dangerous." 1364 01:15:47,422 --> 01:15:48,799 Not easy life. 1365 01:15:48,882 --> 01:15:53,387 And one day, as I strangle man for not paying me for... 1366 01:15:54,972 --> 01:15:55,889 whatever, 1367 01:15:55,973 --> 01:15:58,600 -I remembered something you say. -What? 1368 01:15:58,684 --> 01:16:02,563 You told me most important thing in life, 1369 01:16:02,646 --> 01:16:04,606 it is to find your smile. 1370 01:16:08,193 --> 01:16:09,194 Igor. 1371 01:16:09,278 --> 01:16:11,488 I stole that from City Slickers. 1372 01:16:12,030 --> 01:16:14,908 Billy Crystal? 1980s? Cowboys? Nothing? 1373 01:16:14,992 --> 01:16:17,286 His whole deal is stealing shit. 1374 01:16:17,369 --> 01:16:19,621 Back then, Irina. Okay? 1375 01:16:19,705 --> 01:16:22,583 Hey, I just left. It was my choice. 1376 01:16:22,666 --> 01:16:24,001 My smile. 1377 01:16:24,084 --> 01:16:26,378 Mafia was not my smile. 1378 01:16:26,461 --> 01:16:29,173 This was. Children, family, Sonia. 1379 01:16:29,673 --> 01:16:33,218 In mafia, I would have died. 1380 01:16:33,302 --> 01:16:35,929 But I have this, thanks to you, Bert. 1381 01:16:36,013 --> 01:16:37,681 You saved my life. 1382 01:16:41,518 --> 01:16:42,811 Good for you, Igor. 1383 01:16:43,645 --> 01:16:45,522 Hey, at least I didn't ruin his life, right? 1384 01:16:50,485 --> 01:16:51,486 Bert? 1385 01:16:57,034 --> 01:16:58,076 Bert? 1386 01:17:02,039 --> 01:17:04,374 Hey. Are you asleep? 1387 01:17:05,125 --> 01:17:06,126 Yeah. 1388 01:17:06,668 --> 01:17:09,546 What is this thing you did that made your daughter hate you? 1389 01:17:15,010 --> 01:17:16,011 All right. 1390 01:17:18,388 --> 01:17:22,100 So me and my big, fat friend Tom, we're doing a podcast, 1391 01:17:22,684 --> 01:17:25,395 and we get accidentally very fucked up. 1392 01:17:26,772 --> 01:17:28,982 -That's not so bad. -Wait for it. 1393 01:17:29,066 --> 01:17:31,693 So Sasha's 15, right? She's got her learner's permit. 1394 01:17:32,319 --> 01:17:34,613 I'm like, "Hey, come out to me. 1395 01:17:35,364 --> 01:17:38,158 Get my car, drive me home." Right? Bam, bam. 1396 01:17:39,701 --> 01:17:42,579 You asked your teenage daughter to drive you home drunk? 1397 01:17:42,663 --> 01:17:44,665 It gets worse, okay? 1398 01:17:44,748 --> 01:17:46,124 She rolls a stop sign. 1399 01:17:46,750 --> 01:17:48,085 Cop pulls her over. 1400 01:17:50,546 --> 01:17:54,550 Turns out, having a parent in the car doesn't count if the parent's trashed. 1401 01:17:56,885 --> 01:18:00,722 She can't get her license for two years. I got a misdemeanor. It was awful. 1402 01:18:00,806 --> 01:18:03,267 Well, if that's everything, that's not so bad. 1403 01:18:03,976 --> 01:18:07,312 I wish that was the worst thing my father ever did to me. 1404 01:18:07,396 --> 01:18:09,356 It almost sounds nice. 1405 01:18:11,567 --> 01:18:14,319 Four minutes before I passed out, I started a livestream. 1406 01:18:15,237 --> 01:18:17,406 And I livestreamed the entire event. 1407 01:18:18,198 --> 01:18:19,825 It immediately went viral. 1408 01:18:20,993 --> 01:18:22,953 Next weekend was Father's Day. 1409 01:18:24,913 --> 01:18:26,331 She was so mad. 1410 01:18:28,417 --> 01:18:30,460 Oh, God, she didn't talk to me for a month. 1411 01:18:32,796 --> 01:18:34,173 It was a wake-up call. 1412 01:18:41,430 --> 01:18:45,893 I've been this party guy for so long, I don't even know who I am anymore. 1413 01:18:50,647 --> 01:18:56,069 Then maybe you're not supposed to be only Bert. 1414 01:18:58,780 --> 01:19:00,449 Look what you did for Igor. 1415 01:19:01,700 --> 01:19:04,953 Your stupid drunk talk, it saved his life. 1416 01:19:06,788 --> 01:19:08,165 I don't follow. 1417 01:19:11,126 --> 01:19:14,338 We do not grow by destroying part of ourselves. 1418 01:19:14,838 --> 01:19:17,591 We grow by finding a balance between parts. 1419 01:19:18,842 --> 01:19:20,761 Balance like Steve Urkel. 1420 01:19:23,430 --> 01:19:24,515 Did you just say "Urkel"? 1421 01:19:24,598 --> 01:19:28,143 It's a reference to one of my favorite American television shows. 1422 01:19:28,227 --> 01:19:29,561 Family Matters. 1423 01:19:29,645 --> 01:19:30,938 You know it? 1424 01:19:31,021 --> 01:19:34,066 Yeah. Wait. But wait. What the fuck's Urkel got to do with this? 1425 01:19:35,484 --> 01:19:38,737 In season five, Steve Urkel takes this potion 1426 01:19:38,820 --> 01:19:43,075 that transforms him into Stefan Urquelle, like, this cool version of him. 1427 01:19:43,158 --> 01:19:45,369 Everyone starts hating him, but what does he do? 1428 01:19:45,452 --> 01:19:47,538 He doesn't surrender. 1429 01:19:47,621 --> 01:19:49,039 He improves his formula, 1430 01:19:49,122 --> 01:19:52,459 and in the end, he gets best of both worlds. 1431 01:19:53,126 --> 01:19:55,587 You are the Machine and Bert. 1432 01:19:56,213 --> 01:19:57,881 You have both sides. 1433 01:19:57,965 --> 01:20:00,884 But now you need to balance. 1434 01:20:04,721 --> 01:20:05,556 I get it. 1435 01:20:06,598 --> 01:20:08,183 Goddamn it. 1436 01:20:08,976 --> 01:20:11,061 Can't believe I slept on Family Matters. 1437 01:20:11,144 --> 01:20:13,981 Oh, you should definitely watch it. It's very good. 1438 01:20:16,108 --> 01:20:17,734 "Did I do that?" 1439 01:20:18,360 --> 01:20:19,611 He watched it. 1440 01:20:21,530 --> 01:20:24,658 When communists came, politburo burned down the church 1441 01:20:24,741 --> 01:20:26,785 and build this factory. 1442 01:20:26,869 --> 01:20:29,913 When the communists leave, factory closed. 1443 01:20:29,997 --> 01:20:33,083 When I came to the village, I helped them build this. 1444 01:20:33,166 --> 01:20:35,335 -You built this? -No, no. Inside. 1445 01:20:41,466 --> 01:20:44,178 I took you here because building this place, 1446 01:20:44,261 --> 01:20:46,221 feeling closer to God, 1447 01:20:46,305 --> 01:20:48,724 taught me how to forgive myself. 1448 01:20:48,807 --> 01:20:53,020 You know, for all the bad things that I did, murders, 1449 01:20:53,604 --> 01:20:55,063 all those years ago. 1450 01:20:55,939 --> 01:20:59,610 Why do you think I hooked you up with the train banditti? 1451 01:20:59,693 --> 01:21:01,528 I don't know. To show them a good time? 1452 01:21:02,446 --> 01:21:03,447 And? 1453 01:21:04,656 --> 01:21:06,742 To keep your class safe. 1454 01:21:07,659 --> 01:21:09,661 Train banditti are very dangerous. 1455 01:21:09,745 --> 01:21:11,830 They do terrible things to the passengers. 1456 01:21:11,914 --> 01:21:15,542 I introduced them to Machine to distract them, 1457 01:21:15,626 --> 01:21:18,295 by doing what he always does. 1458 01:21:18,921 --> 01:21:21,381 Yeah. I robbed a lot of people, Igor. 1459 01:21:21,465 --> 01:21:22,633 So? 1460 01:21:23,175 --> 01:21:25,469 Was anyone hurt, killed? 1461 01:21:25,552 --> 01:21:27,888 You spit in a girl's face. You were an asshole. 1462 01:21:27,971 --> 01:21:30,974 But your class, they were safe 1463 01:21:31,058 --> 01:21:34,102 because you did exactly what you're supposed to do, 1464 01:21:34,186 --> 01:21:37,189 by showing them good time, making them laugh. 1465 01:21:37,272 --> 01:21:39,525 You protected those people. 1466 01:21:39,608 --> 01:21:42,819 That is what a man does. 1467 01:21:44,029 --> 01:21:45,197 Goddamn it. 1468 01:21:45,280 --> 01:21:47,449 Seems you're a good man, Bert. 1469 01:21:49,409 --> 01:21:50,244 Thanks, Irina. 1470 01:21:51,578 --> 01:21:53,080 It's time to feed kids. 1471 01:21:53,163 --> 01:21:55,165 Holy shit! That's the watch! 1472 01:21:56,542 --> 01:21:57,751 My father's watch. 1473 01:22:04,007 --> 01:22:05,676 How do you have that? 1474 01:22:05,759 --> 01:22:08,345 You gave it to me when you left Russia. 1475 01:22:08,428 --> 01:22:10,764 You said it was thank you for being a true friend. 1476 01:22:10,848 --> 01:22:12,808 You were very, very drunk. 1477 01:22:14,142 --> 01:22:15,644 I was embarrassed taking it, 1478 01:22:15,727 --> 01:22:17,980 but the words were nice, so I just took it. 1479 01:22:18,063 --> 01:22:19,815 Sweet, drunk words. 1480 01:22:19,898 --> 01:22:20,899 God, yes. 1481 01:22:21,525 --> 01:22:22,860 Let's go, Bert. 1482 01:22:22,943 --> 01:22:24,695 I have an empire to claim. 1483 01:22:25,612 --> 01:22:27,531 I would pay to listen to her talk during sex. 1484 01:22:27,614 --> 01:22:29,116 I would pay to have sex with her. 1485 01:22:29,199 --> 01:22:30,909 Sorry about your bathroom. 1486 01:22:30,993 --> 01:22:32,953 Thank you for taming the whore. 1487 01:22:33,036 --> 01:22:34,621 No, thank you. 1488 01:22:34,705 --> 01:22:36,290 I'll cherish these. 1489 01:22:36,373 --> 01:22:38,292 The fuck am I supposed to do with a chicken? 1490 01:22:38,375 --> 01:22:41,461 Hey, Bert. I need to come clean. 1491 01:22:41,545 --> 01:22:43,964 After train, I talked to Fedor, and... 1492 01:22:44,715 --> 01:22:47,009 he gave me what you stole from class. 1493 01:22:47,092 --> 01:22:51,138 Then everyone go back to U.S.A., so I kept it to remember. 1494 01:22:51,221 --> 01:22:53,932 -Hold on. No way. -Yeah. 1495 01:22:54,641 --> 01:22:55,684 Dude. 1496 01:22:55,767 --> 01:22:57,477 Hey, take it. 1497 01:22:57,561 --> 01:22:59,980 And go to Moscow and save your father. 1498 01:23:00,480 --> 01:23:03,734 If he's still alive. He may have been tortured to death. 1499 01:23:05,527 --> 01:23:06,653 I think she's autistic. 1500 01:23:06,737 --> 01:23:07,654 -Yeah. -Yeah. 1501 01:23:07,738 --> 01:23:11,074 Hey, man. Thank you for everything, man. 1502 01:23:11,158 --> 01:23:12,159 -No, no, no. -No? 1503 01:23:12,242 --> 01:23:13,785 You've been a good-luck charm to me. 1504 01:23:13,869 --> 01:23:15,579 -My life changed the day I met you. -Hey. 1505 01:23:15,662 --> 01:23:17,039 -Bert, thank you. -No, thank you. 1506 01:23:17,122 --> 01:23:18,332 -No, thank you. -No, thank you. 1507 01:23:19,625 --> 01:23:21,710 God. I'll miss you, brother. 1508 01:23:22,794 --> 01:23:25,839 I'm gonna miss these disgusting poor people. 1509 01:23:27,299 --> 01:23:30,052 So you just think it and say it? You don't stop it at all, right? 1510 01:23:30,969 --> 01:23:32,387 Yes, basically. 1511 01:23:33,180 --> 01:23:35,516 -Never met someone like myself before. -Yeah. 1512 01:24:10,467 --> 01:24:12,094 So I keep having this recurring dream 1513 01:24:12,177 --> 01:24:13,887 where Dolly Parton throws me her pick, 1514 01:24:13,971 --> 01:24:16,056 calls me on-stage and wants me to jam with her. 1515 01:24:16,139 --> 01:24:17,140 I'm freaking shredding, 1516 01:24:17,224 --> 01:24:19,643 but my fingers turn into spiders and my teeth fall out. 1517 01:24:19,726 --> 01:24:22,563 Pretty sure it's my heart medication having a reaction with my sleeping pill. 1518 01:24:22,646 --> 01:24:24,273 But, hey, it's better than doing acid, 1519 01:24:24,356 --> 01:24:26,650 and kind of the highlight of my day at this point. 1520 01:24:27,150 --> 01:24:30,028 -It's sad but true. -What the fuck is going on in here? 1521 01:24:30,737 --> 01:24:32,030 Oh, hi, son. 1522 01:24:35,117 --> 01:24:36,201 You two are buds now? 1523 01:24:38,370 --> 01:24:40,664 Dad, why are you talking all fast like you're on speed or something? 1524 01:24:40,747 --> 01:24:44,418 'Cause I'm on speed. And it is so, so, so, so great. 1525 01:24:45,752 --> 01:24:46,962 More drugs. 1526 01:24:50,841 --> 01:24:51,925 Look at me. 1527 01:24:52,009 --> 01:24:54,094 I'm Molly Parton! 1528 01:24:57,389 --> 01:24:58,891 You see what I did there? 1529 01:25:00,726 --> 01:25:02,811 Irina. You're alive. 1530 01:25:03,520 --> 01:25:06,690 -Super. -Yes, asshole, I am alive. 1531 01:25:06,773 --> 01:25:11,278 I brought the Machine, and I even have the watch. 1532 01:25:11,361 --> 01:25:14,198 So suck my dick. 1533 01:25:14,281 --> 01:25:16,408 -Thanks. -Fuck you, Sponge! 1534 01:25:16,491 --> 01:25:18,285 No, fuck you. 1535 01:25:18,368 --> 01:25:19,703 He pay me. 1536 01:25:20,704 --> 01:25:21,747 You hit me. 1537 01:25:22,247 --> 01:25:24,124 I should have left you in that gulag, 1538 01:25:24,208 --> 01:25:26,251 with those doctors poking and prodding you. 1539 01:25:26,335 --> 01:25:29,004 I would string you up by your balls. 1540 01:25:40,057 --> 01:25:41,058 Machine. 1541 01:25:44,019 --> 01:25:45,229 I must say, 1542 01:25:46,396 --> 01:25:47,981 your dad is so fun. 1543 01:25:48,524 --> 01:25:50,984 He is the original Machine. 1544 01:25:52,236 --> 01:25:53,445 I'm the prototype. 1545 01:25:53,529 --> 01:25:55,364 He has been partying with us. 1546 01:25:55,447 --> 01:25:59,159 Now, your mom was more of a kind of missionary kind of gal, 1547 01:25:59,243 --> 01:26:00,619 but Annika... 1548 01:26:02,162 --> 01:26:05,207 she's got the cushion for the Pushkin. 1549 01:26:06,458 --> 01:26:08,210 Oh, Dad, please stop. 1550 01:26:08,293 --> 01:26:12,339 See, your dad has spent so long looking after you, 1551 01:26:12,422 --> 01:26:14,383 he never got a chance to have fun on his own. 1552 01:26:16,593 --> 01:26:18,679 What a load of horseshit that is. 1553 01:26:18,762 --> 01:26:21,849 Those Dolly Parton tickets he was just bragging about? Front row? 1554 01:26:21,932 --> 01:26:23,725 Who do you think bought them for him? 1555 01:26:23,809 --> 01:26:26,144 And to think I thought I was finally understanding you. 1556 01:26:26,228 --> 01:26:29,314 I found your fucking knife. Yeah, you want this piece of shit? 1557 01:26:29,398 --> 01:26:31,149 When he kicked me off the train, 1558 01:26:31,233 --> 01:26:32,943 I thought, "Maybe he's trying to keep me safe, 1559 01:26:33,026 --> 01:26:34,987 protect me or has a plan." 1560 01:26:35,070 --> 01:26:38,031 But no plan. No fucking plan. 1561 01:26:38,115 --> 01:26:40,033 You're just a big old dick! 1562 01:26:40,909 --> 01:26:44,454 I may have let you down in this world. You've pointed that out a lot. 1563 01:26:44,538 --> 01:26:47,583 But you know what, Dad? You have let me down. 1564 01:26:47,666 --> 01:26:49,543 Just like I let Sasha down. 1565 01:26:50,169 --> 01:26:53,005 I can't believe I thought you were here to take care of me. 1566 01:26:53,088 --> 01:26:55,674 Dad, take a fucking look around. 1567 01:26:55,757 --> 01:26:57,176 You let me down! 1568 01:26:59,553 --> 01:27:00,846 Son. 1569 01:27:01,471 --> 01:27:04,099 I will always take care of you. 1570 01:27:06,476 --> 01:27:07,477 What? 1571 01:27:08,520 --> 01:27:11,982 You people threatened my granddaughter, 1572 01:27:12,649 --> 01:27:14,443 you kidnapped my son, 1573 01:27:14,526 --> 01:27:18,363 and made me do a lot of amazing drugs. 1574 01:27:18,447 --> 01:27:22,075 And this is how we say thank you in Florida. 1575 01:27:24,828 --> 01:27:26,705 Holy shit! 1576 01:27:30,125 --> 01:27:31,835 Motherfucking Eagle Scout. 1577 01:27:31,919 --> 01:27:33,712 Oh, fuck! 1578 01:27:33,795 --> 01:27:35,547 You have amazing tits! 1579 01:27:36,965 --> 01:27:38,383 Oh, shit! 1580 01:27:38,467 --> 01:27:39,843 I got the doors! 1581 01:27:40,719 --> 01:27:41,553 God! 1582 01:27:48,936 --> 01:27:50,354 I thought you were nonviolent. 1583 01:27:50,437 --> 01:27:52,898 I am! But I also love my son! 1584 01:27:52,981 --> 01:27:54,816 I knew you'd survive falling off that train 1585 01:27:54,900 --> 01:27:57,569 because of your big old boobies and protective layers of fat. 1586 01:27:58,278 --> 01:27:59,988 Oh, my God, you're so high right now. 1587 01:28:00,072 --> 01:28:03,116 I am so high. I am so high! 1588 01:28:03,200 --> 01:28:06,370 Idiots, stop talking and run. I'll find the watch. 1589 01:28:06,912 --> 01:28:08,455 Come on, come on, come on. 1590 01:28:09,540 --> 01:28:11,458 Shit. Let's go, Keith Richards. 1591 01:28:12,167 --> 01:28:13,585 Dad, come on! Stop lollygagging! 1592 01:28:16,880 --> 01:28:18,882 God. All right. Have a great night, everybody. 1593 01:28:18,966 --> 01:28:20,342 Ooh, you're dropping your money. 1594 01:28:20,425 --> 01:28:22,427 Don't drink and drive. Grab a T-shirt on your way out. 1595 01:28:22,511 --> 01:28:25,722 All right, have a good one. Oh, here we go. The last ones out. 1596 01:28:25,806 --> 01:28:27,850 Sorry for the gunfire, everybody. Have a great night. 1597 01:28:27,933 --> 01:28:29,768 Take care. Thank you very much. 1598 01:28:30,853 --> 01:28:33,063 All right, Dad. We're good. 1599 01:28:33,146 --> 01:28:35,566 Now, listen, I need you to use this drug energy for good. 1600 01:28:35,649 --> 01:28:37,109 All right? Like Charlie Sheen did. 1601 01:28:37,609 --> 01:28:39,528 Oh, shit. Dad, get down. 1602 01:29:08,390 --> 01:29:10,684 -Bert. I lied. -Stop talking. 1603 01:29:10,767 --> 01:29:11,852 Come on, let's go. 1604 01:29:12,895 --> 01:29:15,439 Look at me. I think I failed you as a dad. 1605 01:29:15,522 --> 01:29:17,858 -Dad, be quiet. -I can't. 1606 01:29:17,941 --> 01:29:21,069 I'm feeling so many feelings, and I need to tell you about them. 1607 01:29:22,154 --> 01:29:23,322 Bert? 1608 01:29:23,405 --> 01:29:24,448 -Bert? -What? 1609 01:29:25,240 --> 01:29:26,658 I need to say this. 1610 01:29:26,742 --> 01:29:29,703 Instead of accepting you, I criticized you. 1611 01:29:29,786 --> 01:29:32,414 But it was only because I wanted to keep you safe. 1612 01:29:32,497 --> 01:29:34,333 Why have you never told me this? 1613 01:29:34,416 --> 01:29:35,667 I don't know. It's... 1614 01:29:35,751 --> 01:29:39,713 Vulnerability is scary, and opening up is hard. 1615 01:29:40,589 --> 01:29:42,883 -What drugs did they give you? -Well, well, it was... 1616 01:29:42,966 --> 01:29:44,426 Okay, come on. Let's go. Let's go. 1617 01:29:44,510 --> 01:29:46,762 One was yellow, but I don't know what it was. 1618 01:29:49,389 --> 01:29:51,391 -Bert. -Dad, shut the fuck up. 1619 01:29:51,475 --> 01:29:52,768 This is important. 1620 01:29:55,646 --> 01:29:57,856 All dads mess up, Bert. 1621 01:29:58,607 --> 01:30:00,484 But the good ones, we-- 1622 01:30:01,610 --> 01:30:03,237 We try to do better. 1623 01:30:05,364 --> 01:30:08,075 I guess sometimes it just... 1624 01:30:09,243 --> 01:30:10,702 takes us a while. 1625 01:30:11,328 --> 01:30:12,955 You're my boy, Bert. 1626 01:30:15,165 --> 01:30:16,834 Don't ever forget that. 1627 01:30:17,501 --> 01:30:19,002 You'll always... 1628 01:30:19,795 --> 01:30:21,296 be my boy. 1629 01:30:28,262 --> 01:30:29,513 This is nice, Dad. 1630 01:30:30,138 --> 01:30:32,975 You should do drugs more often. Look at us. 1631 01:30:33,058 --> 01:30:34,852 We're finally working through our shit. 1632 01:30:39,356 --> 01:30:40,649 Dad, let's go! 1633 01:30:41,900 --> 01:30:42,985 Goddamn! 1634 01:30:43,068 --> 01:30:45,362 I just wish it had happened before we were about to die! 1635 01:30:45,445 --> 01:30:47,364 No, we're not gonna die. 1636 01:30:47,906 --> 01:30:48,740 Here. 1637 01:30:49,908 --> 01:30:52,953 You have always succeeded by being exactly you. 1638 01:30:53,036 --> 01:30:54,830 Now, take off that shirt 1639 01:30:54,913 --> 01:30:58,500 and show those SOBs who you really are. 1640 01:31:02,254 --> 01:31:03,255 Hey! 1641 01:31:09,303 --> 01:31:10,137 Fuck. 1642 01:31:36,205 --> 01:31:39,458 Now you gotta party with me. 1643 01:31:40,083 --> 01:31:41,376 Who the fuck are you? 1644 01:31:41,460 --> 01:31:44,755 He's the motherfucking Machine! 1645 01:31:51,386 --> 01:31:52,387 Oh, shit. 1646 01:31:54,056 --> 01:31:57,017 I'm bulletproof, baby! Yeah! 1647 01:31:57,100 --> 01:31:58,685 Come on! Yeah! 1648 01:32:03,607 --> 01:32:05,609 Suck my dick, Captain America. 1649 01:32:11,240 --> 01:32:12,241 Machina! 1650 01:32:29,216 --> 01:32:31,093 What are you gonna do with a stick? Come on. 1651 01:32:34,429 --> 01:32:35,889 I got your stick now. 1652 01:32:49,778 --> 01:32:50,654 Not too bad. 1653 01:32:57,327 --> 01:32:59,037 Dad, put your hands down. 1654 01:32:59,121 --> 01:33:00,706 Get down now! Come on! 1655 01:33:00,789 --> 01:33:03,041 God, I'm so strong! 1656 01:33:05,085 --> 01:33:06,670 Here we go. Dad, Dad. Down, down. 1657 01:33:08,338 --> 01:33:09,756 Help me fuck up Lenin. 1658 01:33:09,840 --> 01:33:10,924 -Let's do it. -Come on! 1659 01:33:20,767 --> 01:33:22,394 Take that, communist! 1660 01:33:22,477 --> 01:33:24,479 Hey. Eagle Scout. 1661 01:33:25,022 --> 01:33:27,524 We have a rematch. 1662 01:33:34,114 --> 01:33:35,866 -Hammer, Dad. -Here. 1663 01:33:43,165 --> 01:33:45,417 Oh, titty boy. 1664 01:33:49,254 --> 01:33:50,672 I got you, son! 1665 01:33:52,549 --> 01:33:54,801 Dad! Dad! 1666 01:33:54,885 --> 01:33:56,720 Sorry, old man. 1667 01:34:04,937 --> 01:34:06,480 Absorb that, Sponge. 1668 01:34:08,232 --> 01:34:10,567 Oh, shit. Dad. Get off! 1669 01:34:10,651 --> 01:34:12,319 Are you okay? You okay? 1670 01:34:12,402 --> 01:34:15,072 I-- I saved you. 1671 01:34:15,656 --> 01:34:16,782 Yeah, you did. 1672 01:34:18,158 --> 01:34:18,992 Oh, shit. 1673 01:34:19,076 --> 01:34:22,246 Come here! Come on, Dad, let's walk. Oh, shit. Shit. Let me see. 1674 01:34:23,080 --> 01:34:25,916 You... are nothing... 1675 01:34:29,962 --> 01:34:34,049 but an ignorant, fat American who has no respect. 1676 01:34:34,132 --> 01:34:36,885 Our father earned our respect. 1677 01:34:40,514 --> 01:34:41,807 Your father... 1678 01:34:42,808 --> 01:34:44,268 sells carpets. 1679 01:34:45,853 --> 01:34:50,649 I think I will make him watch you die, Machine. 1680 01:34:53,360 --> 01:34:54,862 My name's not Machine. 1681 01:34:59,241 --> 01:35:02,452 My name is Albert Charles Kreischer III, 1682 01:35:02,536 --> 01:35:05,080 son to Albert Charles Kreischer Jr., 1683 01:35:05,163 --> 01:35:08,041 owner and operator of Kreischer Karpets, 1684 01:35:08,125 --> 01:35:11,378 the best goddamn carpets you can find in Southwest Florida! 1685 01:35:11,461 --> 01:35:13,964 Three convenient locations. 1686 01:35:14,047 --> 01:35:15,549 Tell him, Dad! 1687 01:35:15,632 --> 01:35:18,844 And if I ever see your albino-looking ass again, 1688 01:35:18,927 --> 01:35:20,554 I'm gonna whip it quick as a bitch. 1689 01:35:20,637 --> 01:35:22,973 And last, but surely not least, 1690 01:35:23,056 --> 01:35:25,225 I'm gonna need that knife back. That's a family heirloom. 1691 01:35:27,811 --> 01:35:29,980 -You want knife? -Oh, yeah. 1692 01:35:32,900 --> 01:35:34,860 Oh, I wouldn't-- I wouldn't do it that way, though. 1693 01:35:38,780 --> 01:35:41,450 I would have someone help you. Oh, God. It's-- 1694 01:35:41,533 --> 01:35:44,286 Oh, my Jesus. That's how Steve Irwin died. 1695 01:35:52,169 --> 01:35:54,880 Oh, my God. 1696 01:35:55,839 --> 01:35:58,634 You work out every day? That's-- Looks like an everyday thing. 1697 01:35:58,717 --> 01:36:00,928 -Enough talk. -All right, yep. 1698 01:36:03,764 --> 01:36:04,932 So now's when we bang, huh? 1699 01:36:47,724 --> 01:36:49,017 Okay, here we go. 1700 01:36:58,694 --> 01:37:00,279 So you can fight. 1701 01:37:01,071 --> 01:37:02,364 I went to Florida State. 1702 01:37:02,990 --> 01:37:05,367 All we know how to do is fight, fuck, and drink. 1703 01:37:05,951 --> 01:37:07,619 And I can't fuck worth shit. 1704 01:37:33,896 --> 01:37:35,230 I just got that crown. 1705 01:37:42,654 --> 01:37:45,115 Would you like to know why I hate you, Machine? 1706 01:37:45,199 --> 01:37:47,034 Oh, I'm dying to know. 1707 01:37:47,117 --> 01:37:51,705 All my life, men were measured against your stupid legend. 1708 01:37:53,999 --> 01:37:55,375 "The best." 1709 01:37:56,335 --> 01:37:57,794 "The man's man." 1710 01:37:58,420 --> 01:37:59,838 I say, fuck that! 1711 01:38:01,215 --> 01:38:03,467 So I worked to make myself better than you. 1712 01:38:04,176 --> 01:38:05,886 Stronger than you. 1713 01:38:05,969 --> 01:38:07,763 Look at you now, Machine. 1714 01:38:07,846 --> 01:38:09,264 You are nothing. 1715 01:38:13,852 --> 01:38:16,438 So dramatic, Alexei. 1716 01:38:16,522 --> 01:38:18,440 All these fucking speeches. 1717 01:38:22,611 --> 01:38:23,612 Irina. 1718 01:38:23,695 --> 01:38:27,616 Typical macho bullshit. 1719 01:38:29,493 --> 01:38:32,287 -Oh, Dad! -Whoa, whoa, my arm! 1720 01:38:32,371 --> 01:38:34,623 -Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. -Son... 1721 01:38:35,541 --> 01:38:37,543 you didn't show fear. 1722 01:39:03,902 --> 01:39:04,736 Enough! 1723 01:39:19,001 --> 01:39:21,795 Is this how I raised you? 1724 01:39:30,387 --> 01:39:31,597 Your watch, Papa. 1725 01:39:41,190 --> 01:39:43,483 I brought it here to return it to you. 1726 01:39:51,158 --> 01:39:52,284 So... 1727 01:39:55,996 --> 01:39:58,081 it's clear that I have won. 1728 01:40:00,417 --> 01:40:04,296 Oh, Irina. My beautiful daughter. 1729 01:40:05,005 --> 01:40:07,216 You want to take over? 1730 01:40:07,299 --> 01:40:10,385 You cannot even kill brother. 1731 01:40:10,469 --> 01:40:13,514 You become friends with idiot. 1732 01:40:14,139 --> 01:40:16,683 I would never give this to you. 1733 01:40:18,143 --> 01:40:20,395 Actually, can I step in for a second? 1734 01:40:21,647 --> 01:40:24,358 I think you guys should talk it out. Now, me and my dad... 1735 01:40:25,317 --> 01:40:27,611 -This is Russia. -Okay, okay. 1736 01:40:27,694 --> 01:40:31,365 We don't do your weak, America, lovey-huggy shit. 1737 01:40:33,492 --> 01:40:36,954 Hugs are for pussies. 1738 01:40:37,538 --> 01:40:39,081 Well, that explains a lot. 1739 01:40:43,168 --> 01:40:46,046 Alexei understands. 1740 01:40:47,130 --> 01:40:50,217 It is why he will run family. 1741 01:40:51,009 --> 01:40:52,511 You are weak. 1742 01:40:52,594 --> 01:40:54,763 A leader must be a wolf. 1743 01:40:56,515 --> 01:40:59,560 Kill or be killed. 1744 01:40:59,643 --> 01:41:01,562 If you do not like it, 1745 01:41:02,938 --> 01:41:05,274 take it up with God. 1746 01:41:07,276 --> 01:41:08,735 But you first. 1747 01:41:32,384 --> 01:41:34,094 Did I do that? 1748 01:41:38,432 --> 01:41:40,475 I am definitely watching Family Matters when we get home. 1749 01:42:03,165 --> 01:42:04,958 Look at that! Look at that! Look at that! 1750 01:42:06,919 --> 01:42:10,088 Irina, we can work together. 1751 01:42:10,172 --> 01:42:11,298 I am your brother. 1752 01:42:11,381 --> 01:42:12,799 Shut the fuck up! 1753 01:42:17,888 --> 01:42:20,224 Take him to our family dacha while I decide 1754 01:42:20,307 --> 01:42:22,935 which part of him to cut off for his insolence. 1755 01:42:24,311 --> 01:42:26,438 Fuck you, bitch. This is Russia. 1756 01:42:27,314 --> 01:42:30,025 Machine, I will kill you someday! 1757 01:42:30,108 --> 01:42:31,777 -I don't think so. -I will come for you! 1758 01:42:31,860 --> 01:42:34,071 -I don't know about that. -Machine! 1759 01:42:34,154 --> 01:42:36,240 -I can't hear you. -I will come for you! 1760 01:42:37,324 --> 01:42:38,700 Go, me! Right? 1761 01:42:38,784 --> 01:42:39,868 That was awesome! 1762 01:42:39,952 --> 01:42:41,912 Thank you, Bert. You inspired me. 1763 01:42:41,995 --> 01:42:42,829 Wait, how? 1764 01:42:42,913 --> 01:42:45,165 When you said you're going to kill your dad at Igor's house. 1765 01:42:45,249 --> 01:42:48,418 -You said you were gonna kill me? -Well, yeah. You kicked me off a train. 1766 01:42:48,502 --> 01:42:51,004 Now go, before police shows up. 1767 01:42:51,588 --> 01:42:52,673 -And, Bert. -Yeah? 1768 01:42:52,756 --> 01:42:54,216 Your daughter is sweet. 1769 01:42:54,299 --> 01:42:56,844 My DJ friend tells me she's a good girl. 1770 01:42:56,927 --> 01:42:59,805 -Some drugs. But smoke, not snort. -Okay. 1771 01:42:59,888 --> 01:43:01,348 -Good girl. -Yeah. 1772 01:43:07,229 --> 01:43:08,355 You're a good dad. 1773 01:43:08,438 --> 01:43:09,690 Keep it up. 1774 01:43:10,232 --> 01:43:12,401 Or else your daughter may kill you. 1775 01:43:17,030 --> 01:43:18,115 Thanks, Irina. 1776 01:43:19,533 --> 01:43:21,201 See you around, pussy boy. 1777 01:43:39,761 --> 01:43:42,055 Hey, deuces. Bye. 1778 01:43:42,139 --> 01:43:43,140 Bye, girl. 1779 01:43:46,894 --> 01:43:48,729 -Dad? -Keep it, sir. Thank you. 1780 01:43:48,812 --> 01:43:51,315 -Dad, look. Mom said that... -Oh, my gosh! 1781 01:43:51,398 --> 01:43:53,025 -There she is! Come here! -What? 1782 01:43:53,108 --> 01:43:54,651 Oh, my God, I love you. 1783 01:43:54,735 --> 01:43:57,654 I am so sorry. You are a fantastic kid. 1784 01:43:58,947 --> 01:44:01,742 No, look. I'm really sorry. I was really mean at the party. 1785 01:44:02,826 --> 01:44:05,162 Look at us. We're apologizing. 1786 01:44:05,245 --> 01:44:07,080 I should be kidnapped to Russia once a year 1787 01:44:07,164 --> 01:44:09,583 -just to make this happen, right? -What? 1788 01:44:09,666 --> 01:44:11,168 Oh, there's the smile. 1789 01:44:11,251 --> 01:44:13,462 You did that smile when you were a little girl. 1790 01:44:13,545 --> 01:44:15,255 You're still my little girl. 1791 01:44:17,299 --> 01:44:18,592 And there's my woman. 1792 01:44:18,675 --> 01:44:21,637 Oh, well, well. It's nice to see you two back. 1793 01:44:21,720 --> 01:44:24,097 I hope you worked out your shit finally be-- 1794 01:44:32,356 --> 01:44:33,482 The fuck are you wearing? 1795 01:44:33,565 --> 01:44:36,652 -Oh, my God, what is that smell? -Okay, these are clothes. 1796 01:44:36,735 --> 01:44:38,195 I do not know what that smell is. 1797 01:44:38,278 --> 01:44:39,780 -Did you go to Vegas? -I did not go to Vegas. 1798 01:44:39,863 --> 01:44:41,740 -Where's your dad? -Dad's in Florida. 1799 01:44:41,823 --> 01:44:44,284 He's got a doctor buddy he plays golf with who doesn't ask any questions. 1800 01:44:44,368 --> 01:44:46,078 We could all use one of those, right, guys? Am I kidding? 1801 01:44:46,161 --> 01:44:48,705 -Dad! Hey! -Oh, there she is! 1802 01:44:48,789 --> 01:44:50,165 From the top rope! 1803 01:44:50,249 --> 01:44:51,917 Oh, my gosh! 1804 01:44:52,000 --> 01:44:53,836 Oh, I love you! My favorite daughter! 1805 01:44:53,919 --> 01:44:55,546 -Just kidding. I'm not kidding. -Hey. 1806 01:44:55,629 --> 01:44:57,756 I can't wait till you get kidnapped. 1807 01:44:58,924 --> 01:45:01,134 -What? -Guys, Dad's back! 1808 01:45:01,218 --> 01:45:03,345 Dad's back! It's old-school Dad! 1809 01:45:03,428 --> 01:45:04,680 How was your week? 1810 01:45:06,306 --> 01:45:07,307 Complicated. 1811 01:45:07,391 --> 01:45:10,519 Dear Ashley, are you still hot? I'm not. 1812 01:45:10,602 --> 01:45:12,688 I don't expect you to forgive me, 1813 01:45:12,771 --> 01:45:14,982 but I wanted to keep my promise. 1814 01:45:15,065 --> 01:45:17,693 Gifts are an important aspect of Russian life. 1815 01:45:17,776 --> 01:45:19,695 So are apologies. 1816 01:45:19,778 --> 01:45:21,238 This is mine. 1817 01:45:21,947 --> 01:45:24,700 Last week, the subject of your father came up, 1818 01:45:24,783 --> 01:45:26,702 and I thought we could explore that. 1819 01:45:27,703 --> 01:45:29,371 Jesus Christ, Dad. That Annika girl. 1820 01:45:29,454 --> 01:45:32,666 -Did you wear condoms? -Will you stop? Stop. 1821 01:45:32,749 --> 01:45:34,251 -I'm just saying. -I don't want to hear it again. 1822 01:45:34,334 --> 01:45:35,919 Please put that down the memory hole. 1823 01:45:36,003 --> 01:45:37,129 I can't, Dad. 1824 01:45:37,212 --> 01:45:39,464 Since when do you have such a razor-sharp memory? 1825 01:45:39,548 --> 01:45:40,382 What happened-- 1826 01:45:40,465 --> 01:45:42,843 When you say things like, "Your mom is a missionary woman." 1827 01:45:42,926 --> 01:45:44,052 Oh, no! 1828 01:45:44,136 --> 01:45:45,888 Nah, we're good. 1829 01:45:46,597 --> 01:45:47,598 You and your father? 1830 01:45:47,681 --> 01:45:50,267 Yeah. We're thick as thieves. Butch and Sundance. 1831 01:45:50,350 --> 01:45:51,351 -Really? -Yeah. 1832 01:45:52,394 --> 01:45:55,772 Well, if you don't mind, can I ask how that resolved itself? 1833 01:45:55,856 --> 01:45:57,900 You can ask, but I don't think you're gonna believe me. 1834 01:45:57,983 --> 01:45:59,610 Well, humor me. 1835 01:46:03,238 --> 01:46:04,239 All right. 1836 01:46:05,407 --> 01:46:08,035 When I was 48 years old, I got involved with the Russian mafia. 1837 01:46:08,118 --> 01:46:09,286 Here's how it happened. 1838 01:46:58,836 --> 01:47:00,045 What's up, Florida? 1839 01:47:00,128 --> 01:47:01,421 It's your boy, Bert Kreischer. 1840 01:47:01,505 --> 01:47:02,965 The Machine. 1841 01:47:03,048 --> 01:47:04,424 I love three things: 1842 01:47:04,508 --> 01:47:05,843 -Having a great time... -Yeah! 1843 01:47:05,926 --> 01:47:07,719 ...making sure other people have a great time, 1844 01:47:07,803 --> 01:47:08,887 and quality carpets 1845 01:47:08,971 --> 01:47:11,181 -delivered at a reasonable price. -Oh, yeah! 1846 01:47:11,265 --> 01:47:13,225 That's why, if you're looking for some acrylic, 1847 01:47:13,308 --> 01:47:16,520 wool, plush, saxony, or level loop... 1848 01:47:16,603 --> 01:47:18,105 None of that nylon shit. 1849 01:47:18,188 --> 01:47:20,440 ...you need to find your way to a Kreischer Karpets. 1850 01:47:20,524 --> 01:47:22,860 It's my dad's business, and he's right here. 1851 01:47:22,943 --> 01:47:24,111 Say hi, Dad. 1852 01:47:24,820 --> 01:47:27,823 Hey, son. You can't say a swear on TV. 1853 01:47:27,906 --> 01:47:30,701 The best goddamn carpets in Southwest Florida. 1854 01:47:30,784 --> 01:47:33,871 That's Kreischer Karpets, spelled weirdly with a K. 1855 01:47:33,954 --> 01:47:35,038 Take it off, Dad. 1856 01:47:35,831 --> 01:47:37,165 Okay, fine. 1857 01:47:40,544 --> 01:47:43,463 Did we mention we have three convenient locations? 125065