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00:00:04,280 --> 00:00:06,680
This programme contains
adult humour
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00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:11,200
These coronation robes do
wonders for my shoulders,
3
00:00:11,240 --> 00:00:12,720
don't you think?
4
00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:14,200
Yes, Your Majesty.
5
00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:17,000
Thanks, Ken.
When you're surrounded by yes-men,
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00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:19,680
it's good to have a real friend
who tells you how it is.
7
00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:22,800
Finally, it's going to happen.
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00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:25,480
Westminster Abbey packed
to the gills,
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00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:28,400
world leaders staring at me in awe.
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00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:32,080
"No, no, President Biden,
no need to kneel."
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00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:34,560
Crowds chanting my name.
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00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:37,800
CROWD CHANTS: Charles! Charles!
Charles! Charles!
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00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:39,840
Charles...Charles. Charles!
14
00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:41,680
Oh! Hello, my dear.
15
00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:43,560
I was asking you how I look.
16
00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:45,800
Fit to be your Queen?
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00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:47,520
Erm...
18
00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:49,040
Ahem!
19
00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:50,880
You're actually the Queen Consort.
20
00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:52,800
Granny was quite clear about that.
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00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:55,360
If it isn't Little Lord Fontle-Twat.
22
00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:59,200
You absolutely cannot wear
the Koh-I-Noor diamond.
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00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:01,520
It's an offensive reminder
of privilege and empire.
24
00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:03,560
Isn't that the point of
the whole coronation?
25
00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:05,240
Of the entire Royal family?
26
00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:06,520
No, Camilla.
27
00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:08,680
The point of the royal family
is to bind a modern,
28
00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:10,200
diverse nation together,
29
00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:12,320
with bland statements
on mental health,
30
00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:14,800
and carefully-staged photographs
of our children.
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00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:15,960
Gentlemen!
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00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:17,440
The crown, please, Camilla.
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00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:18,480
SHE SCOFFS
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00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:24,560
Cheers, mate.
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00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:26,720
Pa, I've been going over your plans,
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00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:28,440
and they're going to
cost a fortune.
37
00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:30,720
We are living in the middle of
a cost-of-living crisis.
38
00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:33,240
Which is precisely why
we need to reach out and offer
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00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:37,240
spiritual succour from the window
of a four-tonne gold coach.
40
00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:38,840
OK, but just take the music.
41
00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:41,640
1,000 choristers,
10,000 massed pipers,
42
00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:43,160
Brian May on the roof again.
43
00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:44,720
Brian May isn't costing a penny.
44
00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:46,600
He's been living up there
since the Jubilee
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00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,200
with a nest of squirrels.
46
00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:50,400
I just hope Rishi Sunak
sees it that way.
47
00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:51,640
Of course he will.
48
00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:53,720
The Duke of Norfolk's been
planning it for months,
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00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:55,760
and he's the best in the business.
50
00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:58,000
Isn't that right, Teddy?!
51
00:01:58,040 --> 00:01:59,640
LOUD SNORING
52
00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:06,640
Great news!
53
00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:08,720
Still no invites to the coronation,
54
00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:11,520
but I've found us
the perfect outfits.
55
00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:13,680
Are we going fascinators again?
56
00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:14,920
Duh!
57
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:17,080
And the invites are bound to come.
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00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:19,520
We're an essential part
of the family.
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00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:23,120
Why else would they have given us
Granny's corgis to look after?
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00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:24,360
Totes.
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00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:27,280
We are absolutely not
being side-lined because of Daddy
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00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:28,720
being too honourable.
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00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:30,560
Who's a good boy?
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00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:32,480
LOUD SNARLING
Ah!
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00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:34,400
They probably just need to be fed.
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00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:36,240
What do you think they eat?
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00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:37,400
Sushi?
68
00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:41,560
The corgis are in the bank,
but we should cement our place in
69
00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:44,280
the Royal family by making a
really solid contribution
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00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:45,840
to the coronation.
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00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:47,720
Good thinking, Eugenie.
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00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:49,280
Food - that could be it.
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00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:51,360
A coronation food competition.
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00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:53,680
That is such an original idea.
75
00:02:53,720 --> 00:02:55,160
Like the Great British Menu,
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00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:56,560
the Great British Bake Off,
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00:02:56,600 --> 00:02:59,040
Junior Bake Off, MasterChef,
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00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:02,400
MasterChef: The Professionals,
Junior MasterChef,
79
00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:04,960
and Celebrity MasterChef.
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00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:06,600
Everyone's going to love it.
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00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:09,120
We could launch it on TikTok.
CORGI BARKS
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00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:12,600
But probably best to feed
the corgis first. On it.
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00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:14,160
Who wants some sushi?
84
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:15,600
LOUD GROWLING
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00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:17,160
VICIOUS SNARLING
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00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:19,080
CORGIS YELP
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00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:20,400
So cute.
88
00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:22,440
SNARLING CONTINUES
89
00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:30,320
I've got a bad feeling about
the coronation, Kate.
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00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:31,800
"The Big Coronation Help-Out",
91
00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:33,280
"The Big Coronation Lunch".
92
00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:37,240
Won't people just think
it's a big load of old cock?
93
00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:39,160
Well, you've just got to
trust your father.
94
00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:41,720
He is the King now.
That's my wise gypsy Kate.
95
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:44,640
These days, we actually prefer
the term "Roma".
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00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:47,360
Sorry. I didn't mean
to be institutionally racist.
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00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:49,880
Of course not. Wills,
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00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:53,080
do you think that somewhere along
the line, that wild emotional
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00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:56,800
Roma girl you met all
those years ago has got lost?
100
00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:59,680
That wild emotional Roma girl
who first caught my eye performing
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00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:01,880
at a student fashion show in
a see-through blouse?
102
00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:03,760
That's the one.
She's still there.
103
00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:06,840
She just shows off her award-winning
Chelsea Flower Show gardens now,
104
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:08,280
instead of her, erm...
105
00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:11,240
You know.
106
00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:14,360
How's your new project going?
Great!
107
00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:16,960
You know, Grandpa started
the Duke of Edinburgh Award Scheme,
108
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:19,320
I'm now the proud patron of
the Prince of Wales
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00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:20,840
Out and About Scheme.
110
00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:25,000
Do you think it's different enough?
Yes.
111
00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:28,120
There's far more emphasis on
being out and about.
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00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:30,320
You might like to say,
"Out and about".
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Aiet and abiet.
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Out and about.
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00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:36,680
Aiet...and abiet.
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00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:38,560
You'll get there.
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00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:41,120
Wills, we're in such a good
place right now.
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00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:43,440
If only there wasn't all
this unpleasantness
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00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:44,920
with Harry and his book. I know.
120
00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:49,320
I've been thinking about him
a lot recently.
121
00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:51,600
LOUD GUFFAWING
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00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:53,520
I mean, yeah, we had a fight.
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00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:55,040
It was just a bit of horseplay.
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00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:56,200
Oh!
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00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:57,960
Oh...
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00:04:58,000 --> 00:04:59,000
THEY LAUGH
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00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,360
Soz, Haz! No worries, Willy.
128
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:02,400
Oh-ho-ho!
129
00:05:02,440 --> 00:05:03,640
Cheers. Cheers.
130
00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:07,120
After everything he said,
I just think he's a total c...
131
00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:08,160
PHONE CHIMES
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00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:14,040
It's my team with a briefing...
about Out and About!
133
00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:21,360
ROOSTER CROWS
134
00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:22,400
HE SIGHS
135
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:23,520
MEGHAN: H.
136
00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:26,280
Hey, M. God, I love it here.
137
00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:29,320
Thank you for that positive
and life-affirming statement.
138
00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:30,880
I love it here, too.
139
00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:34,640
It's the simplicity, isn't it?
Everything back to basics.
140
00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:37,840
Over there, by the statue of
Oprah, please, guys.
141
00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:41,240
And the amazing thing is,
we've paid for it all ourselves,
142
00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:43,600
without trading on our
royal connections.
143
00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:44,880
Any news from Netflix?
144
00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:46,240
We're meeting them later.
145
00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:48,560
H, when I was chanting just now,
146
00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:52,520
I was thinking about how you can
only live in your full knowing
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00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,600
if you stand your full knowing.
148
00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:57,600
Absolutely. Can you stand and
live in your full knowing
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00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:00,760
if you don't go back and
reconnect with Wills?
150
00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:03,800
Thank you for that caring
and empathetic enquiry.
151
00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:08,080
Actually, I have been thinking
about him a lot recently.
152
00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:13,720
I remember our fight so clearly.
153
00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,440
I haven't exaggerated any of it.
154
00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:23,560
DISTORTED:Yeah!
BELL DINGS
155
00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:27,920
But after what he did,
I just think he's a total...
156
00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:29,320
CHICKEN CLUCKS
157
00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:32,360
But that's OK, because
although it makes me sad,
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00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:34,240
it's part of my truly
authentic self.
159
00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:36,960
Oh! You're standing
in your knowing.
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00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:38,120
I really have moved on.
161
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:44,680
Did I tell you, he always got
the best bedroom at Balmoral?
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00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:47,680
And he had a Star Wars duvet,
and I had Paddington.
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00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:49,280
Which is really babyish!
164
00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:56,120
CLOCK TICKS
165
00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:03,760
Is your father going
to be much longer?
166
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:06,000
I'm sure he'll be here soon,
Prime Minister.
167
00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:11,520
How about a bit of a chat?
How are your kids?
168
00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:13,400
Without a briefing
and some bullet points,
169
00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:15,480
that's not going to work.
170
00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:16,640
Ah, finally.
171
00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:21,680
Sir, we need to make some serious
cuts to the coronation budget.
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00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:23,280
According to these figures,
173
00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:30,120
The coronation of a monarch can't be
reckoned in purely monetary terms.
174
00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:33,520
It's a glorious recognition
of my divine authority.
175
00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:35,920
It's actually an
outrageously expensive way of
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00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:37,400
confirming you in your job -
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00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:40,160
which, by the way,
you started at the age of 74,
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00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:43,000
and the state retirement age is 66.
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00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:46,520
Clint Eastwood is still
directing films, and he's 92.
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00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:48,760
Clint Eastwood's films
come in under budget.
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00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:51,360
Which is obviously why you
like him so much.
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00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:54,480
I don't like him.
You're the one who brought him up.
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00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:56,840
Well, if you must be vulgar
and talk about money,
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00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:59,080
you'll have to deal with
the Duke of Norfolk.
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00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:01,360
Teddy!
LOUD SNORING
186
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:03,640
Yes, that's item two.
He needs to be replaced.
187
00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:06,800
But his family have organised
state occasions for centuries.
188
00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:08,640
The job should go on merit.
189
00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:11,600
Merit? How dare you talk about
meritocracy on the eve of
190
00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:15,200
my coronation, when I'm
to be anointed king,
191
00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:18,280
purely because my mother was queen,
her father was king,
192
00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:21,840
and so and so forth,
back to Willy the Conk!
193
00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:23,760
This audience is over.
194
00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:25,600
It's not an audience,
it's a meeting.
195
00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:28,000
You are worse than
Nicholas Witchell!
196
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:35,800
You're going to have
to sort this out.
197
00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:37,880
No, I'm incredibly busy with
my Prince of Wales
198
00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:40,320
Out and About scheme.
Well, that's not your priority.
199
00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:42,080
Cutting the coronation budget is.
200
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:46,400
And you might want to say,
"Out and about".
201
00:08:51,680 --> 00:08:52,800
Aiet and abiet.
202
00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:59,280
I so look forward to your
visits, Sophie Wessex,
203
00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:00,440
Duchess of Edinburgh.
204
00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:02,000
SHE STAMMERS
205
00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:04,200
Not as much as I do.
206
00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:05,920
This isn't too formal, is it?
207
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,600
But no, I mean, you're now
the Princess of Wales.
208
00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:11,560
You're right. And one must
live up to one's titles.
209
00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:13,480
Urgh, out of my way.
210
00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:17,920
Oh, Christ. What's that doing here?
211
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:20,880
Pippa! I think you know
Edward's wife, Sophie Wessex,
212
00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:22,240
Duchess of Edinburgh.
213
00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:24,680
And I don't think it's too much
of a stretch to say
214
00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:27,440
she was the Queen's favourite -
and my best friend.
215
00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:28,800
Best friends?
216
00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:30,800
UNINTELLIGIBLE
217
00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:31,920
..to say!
218
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:34,320
Urgh, you're like a
witch's familiar.
219
00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:35,840
Now, where's my invite?
220
00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:37,520
What to? To the coronation.
221
00:09:37,560 --> 00:09:40,440
You know, that thing at the Abbey
and the big party afterwards.
222
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:43,320
Oh, Pippa, you're not going to be
invited. You're not royal.
223
00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:44,720
Well, neither are you!
224
00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:46,800
You're just shagging
a bloke who is.
225
00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:49,120
Kate...royal!
226
00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:51,240
I'm sorry, have you got
Google Translate?
227
00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:52,480
I don't speak mouse.
228
00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:55,080
UNINTELLIGIBLE
229
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:58,160
Sophie said that being a royal
is an indefinable quality.
230
00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:00,920
Poise, and elegance,
and attitude of mind.
231
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:02,160
Oh, did she?
232
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:05,040
And you had that, did you,
when you were being touched up by
233
00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:08,360
the boy's football team round the
back of the bike sheds?
234
00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:09,480
For your information,
235
00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:11,280
I was merely touched up
by the goalie.
236
00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:13,400
And he kept his gloves on!
237
00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:16,400
I wish I could invite you
to the coronation, but I can't.
238
00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:19,240
I am royal, Sophie is royal,
239
00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:21,800
but you simply are not.
240
00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:22,840
BUZZER
241
00:10:29,560 --> 00:10:31,640
Harry, Meghan, come in,
come in, sit down.
242
00:10:31,680 --> 00:10:34,120
So, I am so excited to
hear your new ideas.
243
00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:35,280
What have you got?
244
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:37,560
OK. An animation...
245
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:39,200
That's like a cartoon.
246
00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:40,800
..for preteens.
247
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:43,920
The Turtle Who Learned
Not to Turtle.
248
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:47,480
Tiffany the Turtle finds
the strength to leave her shell
249
00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:51,320
and empowers her sister turtles
to swim out into the ocean
250
00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:53,040
as strong, independent turtles.
251
00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:55,920
Huh.
252
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:57,680
But that's not our only idea!
253
00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:01,040
A sequel to Suits!
254
00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:02,720
Suits 2.
255
00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:06,040
Bigger, Better, Bolder.
256
00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:08,240
What would happen?
257
00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:11,200
Well, my character would
empower her sister lawyers.
258
00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:12,760
Ah, like the turtle.
259
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:15,240
Look, we love you guys,
but we are going to need you
260
00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:17,120
to give us something royal.
261
00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:20,800
Like, hey, the coronation.
You've been invited, right?
262
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:22,240
Yes, but we're not going.
263
00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:24,920
We can't turn our backs on
the normal life we've made here,
264
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:27,760
where everyone just knows us as
the Duke and Duchess of Sussex.
265
00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:30,240
And where kids in
the playground shout...
266
00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:33,360
HIGH-PITCHED: .."Hey, Princess
Lilibet, Prince Archie.
267
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:35,640
"Come join in our game."
268
00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:38,200
Plus, I saw this documentary
where a coronation
269
00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:40,160
got totally out of hand,
270
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,840
and this snowman started talking.
271
00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:44,920
That's Frozen. That's an animation.
272
00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:48,040
A cartoon.
273
00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:50,560
Olaf's not real?
274
00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:52,400
Look, it's up to you.
275
00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:55,880
But either you give us a ratings
winner, or you give us back
276
00:11:57,160 --> 00:11:59,600
PHONE VIBRATES
Oh, I'm going to have to take this.
277
00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:01,880
It's the guys from The Crown.
278
00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:03,480
Hey.
279
00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:06,600
I am loving your new storyline
where the Queen brokers
280
00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:08,560
the Northern Ireland peace deal.
281
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:10,000
Olaf's not real.
282
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:14,840
Just to keep you in the loop,
283
00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:18,720
I've ordered a fly-past
by the entire Royal Air Force.
284
00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:21,480
With me on the balcony,
taking the salute.
285
00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:23,880
You're not allowed to take
the salute.
286
00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:27,240
Fontle-Twat. He's the King,
you're just his wife.
287
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:28,440
Not even his first one.
288
00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:30,880
He's right, I'm afraid.
It's the protocol.
289
00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:33,320
Yet the Armed Forces have far
more respect for me than
290
00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:34,760
they do for either of you two.
291
00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:38,160
They sense that
I'm good with my fists.
292
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:40,520
I've found a replacement for
the Duke of Norfolk.
293
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:43,800
What? I've consulted with
the country's top headhunting firms,
294
00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:45,400
and, based purely on merit,
295
00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:48,920
the best person to organise
a slimmed-down,
296
00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:51,400
no-frills budget coronation is...
297
00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:52,640
The Princess Royal!
298
00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:53,920
Ah!
299
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:57,840
I've cancelled the Abbey and booked
the Holiday Lodge Express...
300
00:12:57,880 --> 00:12:59,840
..in Slough!
301
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:01,080
Mein Gott!
302
00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:15,040
This is the kind of venue
303
00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:18,960
one might hold a wake for the
chairman of the local Rotary Club.
304
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:21,400
That was this morning.
Good God!
305
00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:25,560
Oh, beautiful, wasn't she?
306
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:29,480
Truly a queen in people's hearts.
307
00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:30,680
I've had enough of this -
308
00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:32,960
and I will be wearing
the Koh-I-Noor.
309
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:35,320
Koh-I-Noor is under lock and key
in the Tower of London,
310
00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:36,680
and there it'll stay.
311
00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:38,920
Now, you listen to me,
you pious streak of piss.
312
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:42,000
I've spent the last 15 years
of my life on my knees
313
00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:43,640
for this family.
314
00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:44,880
Sometimes literally.
315
00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:46,160
THEY GROAN
316
00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:48,120
I have toadied to the tabloid press,
317
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:51,520
I have pretended to like you and
your personality vacuum of a wife,
318
00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:55,280
I have even opened an adult
care home in Basildon.
319
00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:57,280
Basildon!
320
00:13:57,320 --> 00:13:59,320
I will have my reward!
321
00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:05,040
Pa, I know this isn't
what you wanted,
322
00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:07,480
but it's all the country can afford.
323
00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:09,000
Afford.
324
00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:12,960
Yes, that's when a member of the
public wishes to purchase something,
325
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:15,400
a book on Venetian architecture,
for instance,
326
00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:18,360
but when they check their purse,
they find that they don't have
327
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:20,720
the requisite number of shillings.
328
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,960
Exactly. Yes, yes, I get that,
I really do.
329
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:25,920
My spirit is troubled.
330
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:28,720
And don't forget, my spirit is
the spirit of the nation.
331
00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:31,120
I need time for contemplation.
332
00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:34,200
Pa!
333
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:36,120
At least he's getting
aiet and abiet.
334
00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:39,120
DUBSTEP PLAYS
335
00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:40,920
Food.
336
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:42,280
Coronation.
337
00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:45,240
Innit.
338
00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:47,720
Hi. I'm Princes Eugenie.
339
00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:49,280
And I'm Princess Beatrice.
340
00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:52,720
And we want you guys to invent a
recipe and submit it to our
341
00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:54,760
Great British Coronation Starters,
342
00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:57,160
Main, and Pudding competition.
343
00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:58,840
DUBSTEP CONTINUES
344
00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:02,240
Great TokTik vid. Yeah.
345
00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:03,680
PHONE CHIMES
Oh!
346
00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:05,040
Our first entry's come in!
347
00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:08,920
The spelling's a bit off,
but I think they're saying,
348
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:10,920
"Your dad is a pedalo."
349
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:13,000
Is there a recipe attached?
350
00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:14,920
No. Must be a joke on boats -
351
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,920
Daddy being in the Navy, and so on.
352
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:18,520
That'll be it.
353
00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:20,760
MUFFLED BARKING
354
00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:23,320
Oh, no, they're doing
their business again.
355
00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:25,120
SNARLING
356
00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:29,080
I don't like it when their back
legs tremble like that.
357
00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:31,920
Lawks, that's longer than him.
358
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:33,160
Your turn to clear up.
359
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:36,240
DISTANT SIREN WAILS
360
00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:46,720
Not bad for a 75-year-old.
361
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:48,000
The Koh-I-Noor.
362
00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:54,960
Why shouldn't I wear this,
and remind the world that actually
363
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:57,200
the British Empire was a good thing?
364
00:15:57,240 --> 00:16:01,240
Without it, India wouldn't have
railways, and gin and tonic,
365
00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:03,640
and little men who call you
"Mem Saab".
366
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,280
Hello, Camilla.
367
00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:10,360
Anne! What are you doing here?
368
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:12,360
We were expecting you.
369
00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:13,720
Who's "we"?
370
00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:16,280
Well, me and the horse I confide in.
371
00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:19,880
I'm afraid your little game is up!
372
00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:31,720
Well, at least I can still wear
the ermine robe of state. Wrong!
373
00:16:31,760 --> 00:16:35,280
I will not have you
touching royal fur.
374
00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:38,240
You will be crowned in this -
375
00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:40,640
a wool-blend M&S pantsuit.
376
00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:41,880
SHE SOBS: No!
377
00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:44,880
M&S do some very nice things
at the moment.
378
00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:47,800
Deal with it.
379
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:54,400
Talk to me, oh, universe.
380
00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:57,040
I have a query to do with
my coronation.
381
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:00,640
Answer me, universe.
382
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:03,440
Surely I deserve all the
bells and whistles.
383
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:07,760
Calling Dalai Lama,
384
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:10,200
can you connect me to the universe?
385
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:12,840
I really need to chat to it.
386
00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:15,360
Come in, Dalai Lama.
387
00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:20,280
Oh, Kate...
388
00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:22,240
UNINTELLIGIBLE
..beautiful.
389
00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:26,680
Hello, Sophie Wessex. Oh!
390
00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:28,200
This won't hurt.
391
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:29,760
Or maybe just a little bit.
392
00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:32,680
Sorry about the carpet burns.
393
00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:34,680
But then, you are under
heavy sedation,
394
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:37,160
which should last till way
after the coronation.
395
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:41,640
Oops...oops, oops...oops.
396
00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:51,760
There you are, Sophie.
397
00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:54,080
UNINTELLIGIBLE
Kate, my bestie.
398
00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:56,080
You seem different. I do?
399
00:17:56,120 --> 00:17:58,360
Yes, you look more...jowly.
400
00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:00,360
You're not coming down with
the mumps, are you?
401
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,520
Why don't you f...
402
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:04,480
I think maybe,
it might be my lipstick.
403
00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:07,600
That's it!
404
00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:10,160
Bit slutty for you.
But good to have a change.
405
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:11,680
Thank you.
406
00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:14,400
Well, we should probably be
getting to dress rehearsal.
407
00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:16,320
Oh, you haven't heard
the news, have you?
408
00:18:16,360 --> 00:18:18,160
The coronation plans have changed.
409
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:21,680
Is this the venue?
410
00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:25,000
It's like that shithole where
you had your 18th.
411
00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:27,160
Pardon? Nothing.
412
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,720
Still now sign of Pa.
But on the plus side,
413
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:32,720
my Out and About scheme's
going really well.
414
00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:34,240
I just had a report from Doncaster,
415
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,200
where a group of my kids
have done this.
416
00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:39,040
Isn't that graffiti?
417
00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:40,360
No, it's art.
418
00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:43,680
They're definitely out and about.
419
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:47,480
Right. Wills, I've been thinking
about reaching out to Meghan.
420
00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:50,400
The old Kate, the Roma Kate,
would've done.
421
00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:53,080
ORGAN STING
But now you're royal! Like me.
422
00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:54,120
Hello, Anne.
423
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:56,920
And that sort of gesture
is utterly out of the question.
424
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,440
Who put this tinsel there?!
425
00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:04,200
What happened to you, Anne?
426
00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:07,560
Peter.
427
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:12,280
My police bodyguard -
and the only man I've ever loved.
428
00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:15,440
He shared my passion for
the countryside.
429
00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:19,440
And I shared his passion
for interrogating criminals.
430
00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:21,840
Have it, you slaaag!
431
00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:25,920
But when the family found out
and we were forbidden
432
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:28,520
from seeing each other,
a part of me died.
433
00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:32,120
Doctors estimate between 85-95%.
434
00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:35,880
And I resolved to become
truly royal, and never experience
435
00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:38,320
an emotion again.
436
00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:40,520
Like you have.
437
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:43,280
Right. Thanks, Anne.
438
00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:46,160
Good chat.
439
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,720
Any more entries
to our TokTok competition?
440
00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:57,040
No. And our invitations to the
coronation still haven't arrived.
441
00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:59,080
Camilla. Where are the corgis?
442
00:19:59,120 --> 00:20:01,440
I must have those corgis. Really?
443
00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:05,200
But they've eaten all of our sushi
and shat all over the place.
444
00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:07,120
Well, then, give them to me.
445
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:09,480
Nice little corgis.
446
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:11,760
Sweet little corgis. Come to Mummy.
447
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:14,200
Dog sitter's taken them
out for walkies.
448
00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:16,080
No! Oh, watch the soy sauce!
449
00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:17,600
I must have them.
450
00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:20,560
Why?
451
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:22,240
How dare you question me?
452
00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:25,360
Do I look like the sort of person
who would kill and butcher corgis
453
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:29,040
to turn their royal fur into
a coronation robe?
454
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:30,960
Who said anything about that?
455
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:33,200
PHONE CHIMES
We've had an entry.
456
00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:35,720
But it just says, "Sweaty twat."
457
00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:37,920
Another one without a recipe.
458
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:39,880
Perhaps it's some type of fish?
459
00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:41,120
For God's sake, grow up.
460
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:43,200
It's a joke about your father.
461
00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:45,400
But he was just too honourable.
462
00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:47,960
No-one wants you Yorks
in this family.
463
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:49,920
But they gave us the corgis.
464
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:53,080
Oh, wake up and smell the dog shit.
465
00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:55,560
They were the booby prize.
466
00:20:57,040 --> 00:20:59,720
I will have their royal fur.
467
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:03,800
Does this mean we're not going
to the coronation? I hope not/
468
00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:06,280
Cos these fascinators were
ten grand each.
469
00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:11,400
WILLIAM: This is great.
When we get crowned,
470
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:14,240
we should totally do it in
a budget hotel just off the M4.
471
00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:16,440
Hm.
DOOR OPENS
472
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:18,840
ANGELIC SINGING
473
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:21,080
I am reborn.
474
00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:24,960
And I'm feeling pretty
chipper myself.
475
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:30,120
Great! We can start
the dress rehearsal.
476
00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:32,760
Wait. I have communed with nature
477
00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:35,280
and, via the good offices
of the Dalai Lama,
478
00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:38,800
received a message from
the universe itself.
479
00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:41,440
OK. And what did the universe say?
480
00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:43,320
That the people are hurting,
481
00:21:43,360 --> 00:21:46,680
and there is but one way
their hurt may be salved -
482
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:50,560
by staging what the universe
calls a "mega-coronation".
483
00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:52,840
Right, in other words,
the universe told you exactly
484
00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:54,080
what you wanted to hear?
485
00:21:54,120 --> 00:21:55,760
This is not the time to be cynical.
486
00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:58,000
There just isn't the money
for a mega-coronation.
487
00:21:58,040 --> 00:22:00,000
If you refuse to heed the message,
488
00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:01,800
I must lay down my burden.
489
00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:02,920
Abdicate?
490
00:22:04,120 --> 00:22:05,760
Yes.
491
00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:07,040
It won't come to that.
492
00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:09,880
If it did, we've have a full-blown
constitutional crisis. Exactly,
493
00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:12,000
which is why you must accede
to my demands.
494
00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:15,480
The universe's demands, wishes...
495
00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:17,840
The wishes of the universe.
496
00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:20,040
Oh, my God.
497
00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:21,080
Harry and Meghan.
498
00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:25,520
'I felt an emotion.
499
00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:29,320
'But do I hug her, or challenge her
to a bare-knuckle fistfight?'
500
00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:31,600
We've come back with
a healing message
501
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:33,240
to help us all find harmony,
502
00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:35,640
like the notes in a song by Beyonce,
503
00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:37,360
who incidentally just texted me.
504
00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:39,680
Plus, we've got to clear out
Frogmore Cottage.
505
00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:42,400
Then pay your outstanding
electricity bill.
506
00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:46,320
This is a sign from the universe.
507
00:22:46,360 --> 00:22:48,000
With both my sons here,
508
00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:50,240
we must have a mega-coronation.
509
00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:52,520
No, it's Slough, or nothing.
510
00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:54,080
You're bluffing.
511
00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:55,680
No, I'm not.
512
00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:05,920
Then I abdicate.
513
00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:10,320
Gott in Himmel!
514
00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:20,120
Buckingham Palace have confirmed
that the budget coronation
515
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:21,720
will go ahead with a minor tweak.
516
00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:24,960
Prince William will now be crowned
king in place of his father.
517
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:26,800
In other news...
518
00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:30,360
But why, Charles? Why?!
519
00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:33,120
You know why. Without proper ritual,
520
00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:36,880
the coronation would've been utterly
devoid of character and meaning -
521
00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:38,760
like a registry office wedding,
522
00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:40,720
or the reboot of Sex and the City.
523
00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:45,960
We must try and look on our
enforced retirement as a positive.
524
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:47,600
When was the last time we talked?
525
00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:50,840
Oh, you're always talking,
or giving talks.
526
00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:52,520
That's your problem.
527
00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:55,400
I mean, when was the last time
we had a proper conversation?
528
00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:57,680
Mm? Come on, let's have one now.
529
00:23:57,720 --> 00:23:59,440
All right, then, you go first.
530
00:24:04,520 --> 00:24:06,880
Now, tell me, what is it you do?
531
00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:08,360
This isn't a walkabout.
532
00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:11,560
Actually, why don't you go first?
533
00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:13,320
SHE SIGHS
534
00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:15,080
Erm...
535
00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:25,640
Erm...
536
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:28,520
Oh, this is hopeless.
537
00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:30,920
We need a joint retirement activity.
538
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:34,040
Something like gardening,
or watercolour painting.
539
00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:36,040
You've been doing that
all your life.
540
00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:38,240
There is one thing I've never tried.
541
00:24:38,280 --> 00:24:39,880
Cannibalism? No.
542
00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:42,400
Golf.
543
00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:53,280
WILLIAM: You've got five minutes.
What's this all about?
544
00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:55,680
We've asked you here
so we can apologise.
545
00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:58,520
I've realised now that it was
inappropriate of me to tell
546
00:24:58,560 --> 00:25:01,080
the world you're living in
a cycle of genetic pain.
547
00:25:01,120 --> 00:25:03,400
And it was wrong of me
to say you're too formal.
548
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:05,960
You're an emotional being,
Kate, and you can hug -
549
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:08,320
just in your own special UK way.
550
00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:11,600
You're our family.
551
00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:13,840
Oh, Harold. Willy.
552
00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:17,800
Meghan. Kate! Ah!
553
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:22,080
I never really thought
you were racist.
554
00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:25,040
Well, I probably said something
unintentionally racist.
555
00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:27,400
I'm a white upper middle class man
with no Black friends.
556
00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:29,080
Something was bound to slip out.
557
00:25:29,120 --> 00:25:31,680
Oh, that's what they call
unconscious bias.
558
00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:33,520
Like when I dressed as a Nazi.
559
00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:35,480
Listen, we've got to head,
560
00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:38,040
but see you at the coronation, yeah?
561
00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:40,520
It would be our honour to attend.
562
00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:41,560
Bye!
563
00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:47,440
You see, Harry?
564
00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:49,600
With family comes opportunity,
565
00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:53,080
but also responsibility
and accountability.
566
00:25:53,120 --> 00:25:55,800
And I guess that's
what you call empathy.
567
00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:58,640
Thanks for teaching me such
a valuable lesson, M.
568
00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:00,560
You really are wiser than Gandhi.
569
00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:04,920
Mm.
570
00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:10,080
DIRECTOR: Cut.
Yes!
571
00:26:10,120 --> 00:26:11,680
Netflix are going to love this.
572
00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:14,480
Oh, great, cos I literally didn't
understand any of it.
573
00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:19,360
Still no invite to the coronation.
574
00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:21,160
We're obviously pariahs.
575
00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:23,200
And there's something else.
576
00:26:23,240 --> 00:26:24,960
Edo's disappeared.
577
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:26,760
No note or anything.
578
00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:29,640
Actually, I haven't seen Jack
for a while either.
579
00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:32,080
Even our husbands think we're shit.
580
00:26:32,120 --> 00:26:33,640
Which is why we're going to move
581
00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:36,840
to this place I've found
called the North.
582
00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:39,440
It's where York is. York is real?
583
00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:42,520
I thought it was made up,
like Narnia, or Wales.
584
00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:46,040
Well, maybe it is, but the North
is definitely real.
585
00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:50,560
The people talk in funny voices and
eat something called hotpot,
586
00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:52,920
but they're friendly and welcoming.
587
00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:54,680
I've rented a little cottage.
588
00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:56,320
We'll live a simpler life,
589
00:26:56,360 --> 00:26:59,040
a better life, without
the royal family,
590
00:26:59,080 --> 00:27:00,760
and without our husbands.
591
00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:02,480
We're Yorks, aren't we?
592
00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:06,240
Yes! And Yorks look to the
future with dignity,
593
00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:08,640
nobility, and honour.
594
00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:12,240
Actually, we should probably
change our name.
595
00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:18,320
ANNE, GHOSTLY: You're the King now.
596
00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:22,160
Open it.
597
00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:24,560
Open iiit!
598
00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:25,640
Ahh!
599
00:27:27,160 --> 00:27:29,520
Is this budget coronation a mistake?
600
00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:30,880
On the contrary,
601
00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:33,920
I think we need to go further and
economise on the banquet.
602
00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:37,240
I've plenty of food left over from
my 60th birthday celebrations.
603
00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:38,920
But wasn't that over ten years ago?
604
00:27:38,960 --> 00:27:41,200
Yes. And didn't people have
to bring their own food?
605
00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:42,560
Which I've still got!
606
00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:44,440
I shall instruct the team!
607
00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:45,640
WHIPS
608
00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:48,520
Anne?
609
00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:50,080
Hello, darling. Ah!
610
00:27:50,120 --> 00:27:51,960
Oh, you're busy.
611
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:55,160
Absolutely. You know,
cos now I'm the King.
612
00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:57,720
Actually, on that, I was
wondering if we should sleep
613
00:27:57,760 --> 00:27:59,320
in separate bedrooms from now on,
614
00:27:59,360 --> 00:28:01,680
like Granny and Grandpa in
The Crown. Really?
615
00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:03,000
Only because it's protocol.
616
00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:05,320
I'm certainly not so worried
about the coronation that
617
00:28:05,360 --> 00:28:06,560
I can't get an erection.
618
00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:09,400
Wills, if you were so worried about
the coronation that you couldn't
619
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:12,560
get an erection, you would let me
know, wouldn't you? 'Course!
620
00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:16,000
But I'm not worried,
and I can get an erection.
621
00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:17,920
Open iiit!
622
00:28:28,080 --> 00:28:29,320
LOUD SLURPING
623
00:28:30,360 --> 00:28:31,800
Hello, Edward.
624
00:28:33,280 --> 00:28:35,120
Oh, there you are, darling!
625
00:28:35,160 --> 00:28:36,720
Mm!
626
00:28:36,760 --> 00:28:38,640
My special recipe soup.
627
00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:40,880
You boil the cabbage in water.
628
00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:42,520
And then, you...
629
00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:44,480
Eat it.
630
00:28:44,520 --> 00:28:46,760
It's your favourite,
we have it every week.
631
00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:48,840
Oh, yes, of course.
THEY CHUCKLE
632
00:28:50,040 --> 00:28:52,480
Your voice, Sophie, it's changed.
633
00:28:52,520 --> 00:28:55,880
Is it? It's probably just the
coronation bringing me
634
00:28:55,920 --> 00:28:57,160
out of my shell.
635
00:28:57,200 --> 00:28:58,680
It's made you taller, as well.
636
00:28:58,720 --> 00:29:00,040
I'm growing in confidence.
637
00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:02,280
And changed the entire
shape of your head.
638
00:29:02,320 --> 00:29:03,640
Well, erm...
639
00:29:05,640 --> 00:29:07,760
If the coronation's doing
this to you,
640
00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:09,680
think what it'll do to Charles.
641
00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:13,600
But before the coronation,
642
00:29:13,640 --> 00:29:15,840
it's the first Friday of the month,
643
00:29:15,880 --> 00:29:18,640
and you know how much
we both love that.
644
00:29:20,280 --> 00:29:21,960
Now, eat up.
645
00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:24,400
You'll need your strength.
646
00:29:24,440 --> 00:29:26,560
Mm. Mm...
647
00:29:33,000 --> 00:29:35,280
Charles, this is wonderful.
648
00:29:35,320 --> 00:29:37,400
I've stopped hating people...
649
00:29:38,440 --> 00:29:40,720
..and started hating golf.
650
00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:43,480
Yes, it's very frustrating.
651
00:29:43,520 --> 00:29:45,520
Wait! We're having a conversation.
652
00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:48,080
Oh, yes.
653
00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:50,760
And I've stopped thinking
about how I'm not King.
654
00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:53,480
Oh, I've reminded myself again.
655
00:29:55,040 --> 00:29:56,720
Now I've forgotten again.
656
00:29:56,760 --> 00:30:00,200
Perhaps golf actually is
the answer. Yes.
657
00:30:00,240 --> 00:30:02,280
It really is
tremendously frustrating.
658
00:30:09,600 --> 00:30:11,040
HARRY: OK.
659
00:30:11,080 --> 00:30:13,600
We asked you here
so we could apologise.
660
00:30:13,640 --> 00:30:15,600
We've been over that.
We're all good.
661
00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:18,400
I've realised now that it was
inappropriate of me to tell
662
00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:21,200
the world you're living in
a cycle of genetic pain.
663
00:30:21,240 --> 00:30:22,400
What's going on?
664
00:30:22,440 --> 00:30:24,760
DIRECTOR: Cut!
665
00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:27,000
Is this being filmed for Netflix?
666
00:30:27,040 --> 00:30:28,320
MEGHAN: We're really sorry.
667
00:30:28,360 --> 00:30:30,560
They just want us to go again,
for close-ups.
668
00:30:30,600 --> 00:30:33,000
So, everything you said
was scripted?
669
00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:35,200
Sure. But we still meant it.
670
00:30:35,240 --> 00:30:37,240
Yeah, that's the bit
I don't understand.
671
00:30:37,280 --> 00:30:39,640
A team of writers gives us
this stuff, we learn it,
672
00:30:39,680 --> 00:30:41,200
which is bloody difficult for me,
673
00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:43,600
and then, we have to pretend
like it's real.
674
00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:45,040
It is real.
675
00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:47,400
The writers take
the emotional truth,
676
00:30:47,440 --> 00:30:50,360
and weave in a compelling
and relatable drama.
677
00:30:50,400 --> 00:30:52,240
I bet that was written for you, too.
678
00:30:52,280 --> 00:30:54,600
You can forget about coming
to our coronation.
679
00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:55,840
But we've gotta go!
680
00:30:55,880 --> 00:30:57,880
We need more content for Netflix.
681
00:30:57,920 --> 00:30:59,920
Not on my watch, lady.
682
00:31:10,000 --> 00:31:12,520
So, what is this, like,
the gatehouse?
683
00:31:12,560 --> 00:31:15,800
No, this, is it? One Toilet Cottage.
684
00:31:15,840 --> 00:31:17,560
It's not so bad, is it?
685
00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:20,080
Alexa! Make a cup of tea.
686
00:31:22,800 --> 00:31:25,960
What is this attached to the wall?
687
00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:27,560
I think it's a radiator.
688
00:31:27,600 --> 00:31:30,760
You mean they don't have
underfloor heating?
689
00:31:32,240 --> 00:31:35,960
I can't do this! I want to go home,
690
00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:37,480
and to the coronation,
691
00:31:37,520 --> 00:31:41,920
and to an afterparty hosted
by James Bluuunt.
692
00:31:41,960 --> 00:31:45,920
But B, even James Blunt isn't
returning our calls.
693
00:31:45,960 --> 00:31:48,320
ECHOING: Noooo!
694
00:31:48,360 --> 00:31:51,440
LOUD SOBBING
695
00:31:51,480 --> 00:31:53,320
You've got to be brave.
696
00:31:53,360 --> 00:31:56,120
Come on, let's go and
find the stables.
697
00:32:00,160 --> 00:32:01,920
TRAIN HORN
698
00:32:01,960 --> 00:32:03,080
A train.
699
00:32:03,120 --> 00:32:04,840
Yes, the tracks are just there.
700
00:32:04,880 --> 00:32:06,040
Let's go and see.
701
00:32:06,080 --> 00:32:08,000
You've always loved trains,
haven't you, B?
702
00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:10,480
Yes! Like in The Railway Children.
703
00:32:10,520 --> 00:32:13,720
The sounds, the smells, the colours.
704
00:32:13,760 --> 00:32:16,520
Which is odd, really, because
I've never actually been on one,
705
00:32:16,560 --> 00:32:19,960
and I always get driven
around in a car.
706
00:32:20,000 --> 00:32:21,640
TRAIN HORN
707
00:32:21,680 --> 00:32:24,160
KATE: The budget coronation
is on track, but the most
708
00:32:24,200 --> 00:32:26,520
pressing issue of them all is
still to be resolved.
709
00:32:26,560 --> 00:32:28,440
What am I going to wear?
710
00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:30,320
And it's all the fault of
the bloody press.
711
00:32:30,360 --> 00:32:33,880
They will keep on saying
how wonderfully I dress.
712
00:32:33,920 --> 00:32:35,480
I feel like I'm caught in a trap.
713
00:32:35,520 --> 00:32:37,160
I wish you'd shut your trap.
714
00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:38,520
I need a big idea.
715
00:32:38,560 --> 00:32:40,440
When I'm on a Commonwealth tour,
716
00:32:40,480 --> 00:32:43,440
I usually wear a stylish
representation of the flag of
717
00:32:43,480 --> 00:32:45,200
the country I'm visiting.
718
00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:48,440
Why not make a dress out of all
the Commonwealth flags?
719
00:32:48,480 --> 00:32:50,640
Oh, Sophie, that's brilliant!
720
00:32:50,680 --> 00:32:53,640
An entire commonwealth
summed up in a dress!
721
00:32:53,680 --> 00:32:57,080
That way, you'll look as bonkers as
the actual organisation itself.
722
00:32:59,560 --> 00:33:01,480
Kate, at lunch,
723
00:33:01,520 --> 00:33:03,960
Edward was talking about
the first Friday of the month.
724
00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:06,640
Oh, yes, Fondle Friday.
725
00:33:06,680 --> 00:33:08,880
What, so he just fondles me?
726
00:33:08,920 --> 00:33:11,000
Yes.
727
00:33:11,040 --> 00:33:13,240
Before a solid eight hours
of full sex.
728
00:33:14,760 --> 00:33:17,160
I'm surprised you don't
remember this, Sophie.
729
00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:20,200
Sophie?
730
00:33:20,240 --> 00:33:21,360
SHE WHISPERS: Oh, God.
731
00:33:23,560 --> 00:33:27,000
WILLIAM: It's a great honour for me
in my first royal duty as king
732
00:33:27,040 --> 00:33:29,880
to be visiting this community
recycling centre.
733
00:33:29,920 --> 00:33:31,080
It's a dump!
734
00:33:31,120 --> 00:33:32,240
It's not that bad.
735
00:33:32,280 --> 00:33:34,680
No, that's what we call it.
And with all due respect,
736
00:33:34,720 --> 00:33:36,880
I don't agree with this
budget coronation.
737
00:33:36,920 --> 00:33:39,680
I know I can't afford my heating
and I have to go to a foodbank,
738
00:33:39,720 --> 00:33:42,960
but a grand coronation was the only
thing I had to look forward to.
739
00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:45,640
I really miss the King.
The real King.
740
00:33:45,680 --> 00:33:48,280
He seemed so kind and grandfatherly.
741
00:33:48,320 --> 00:33:50,600
Even though I know from
watching The Crown, he wanted
742
00:33:50,640 --> 00:33:52,800
to be reincarnated as a tampon.
743
00:33:52,840 --> 00:33:55,360
Without a grand coronation,
I feel so alienated.
744
00:33:55,400 --> 00:33:58,360
It's like there's nothing to
unite us as a country.
745
00:33:58,400 --> 00:33:59,720
What about The Beatles?
746
00:33:59,760 --> 00:34:01,160
They split in 1970.
747
00:34:01,200 --> 00:34:03,720
And there's only so many times you
can hear Paul McCartney say,
748
00:34:03,760 --> 00:34:05,280
"We were just a tight little band."
749
00:34:05,320 --> 00:34:07,120
Doctor Who, then,
that's still being made.
750
00:34:07,160 --> 00:34:08,160
That's gone gay!
751
00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:11,920
I just feel so lost. Oh, well.
752
00:34:11,960 --> 00:34:14,720
Better get down Ladbrokes and
gamble away all my money.
753
00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:17,680
Oh, lord.
754
00:34:19,200 --> 00:34:20,440
What have I done?
755
00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:22,520
THEY LAUGH
756
00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:25,520
You know, I'm exactly the same.
757
00:34:25,560 --> 00:34:27,960
Before I found golf,
I hated everything.
758
00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:29,400
Particularly yoga.
759
00:34:29,440 --> 00:34:31,840
It's a liberation, isn't it?
760
00:34:31,880 --> 00:34:33,880
I'm a completely new woman.
761
00:34:33,920 --> 00:34:36,200
Mind you, I still hate Springwatch.
762
00:34:36,240 --> 00:34:37,840
And Winterwatch.
763
00:34:37,880 --> 00:34:39,680
Men who wear fleeces.
764
00:34:39,720 --> 00:34:43,120
The Tate Modern. Keely Hawes.
765
00:34:43,160 --> 00:34:46,240
Charles, with your
experience and skills,
766
00:34:46,280 --> 00:34:48,800
I was wondering if you'd like
to be on our committee.
767
00:34:48,840 --> 00:34:50,000
Oh, I'd be honoured.
768
00:34:50,040 --> 00:34:52,000
Norway. Cirque du Soleil.
769
00:34:52,040 --> 00:34:55,280
Of course, if you wish to crown
me chairman, who am I to...
770
00:34:55,320 --> 00:34:56,880
That could be a bit of a problem.
771
00:34:56,920 --> 00:34:58,760
Sorry, make me chairman.
772
00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:03,440
No need for a throne or
the Archbishop of Canterbury.
773
00:35:03,480 --> 00:35:06,120
Although, of course,
if you did have a throne...
774
00:35:06,160 --> 00:35:08,240
It's just that we already
have a chairman.
775
00:35:08,280 --> 00:35:10,640
Oh. You actually know him.
776
00:35:10,680 --> 00:35:12,040
Do you know what?
777
00:35:12,080 --> 00:35:14,040
Since my retirement,
all my ego's gone.
778
00:35:14,080 --> 00:35:17,000
Literally anyone could be chairman,
and I'd defer to them.
779
00:35:17,040 --> 00:35:18,400
Anyone in the world.
780
00:35:18,440 --> 00:35:19,440
It's Prince Andrew.
781
00:35:19,480 --> 00:35:22,360
HE GROANS
782
00:35:42,360 --> 00:35:45,200
You're doing the right thing,
Wills.
783
00:35:45,240 --> 00:35:48,040
Sorry, I'm guessing you're one
of my ancestors, but I...
784
00:35:48,080 --> 00:35:52,080
Ah. I'll give you a clue.
I had ten illegitimate children.
785
00:35:52,120 --> 00:35:53,600
Well, that could be any of them.
786
00:35:53,640 --> 00:35:56,160
All right. I was very keen
on the slave trade.
787
00:35:56,200 --> 00:35:57,440
Ditto.
788
00:35:57,480 --> 00:36:02,240
I'm William IV, and I famously
had a small coronation, too.
789
00:36:02,280 --> 00:36:04,280
But history's forgotten you.
790
00:36:04,320 --> 00:36:07,440
Maybe kings need to be seen in all
their pomp to unite the country.
791
00:36:07,480 --> 00:36:08,720
I'm not forgotten!
792
00:36:08,760 --> 00:36:11,680
The phrase "Silly Billy" was
attributed to me -
793
00:36:11,720 --> 00:36:14,120
and I'm very proud of it,
very proud indeed.
794
00:36:15,240 --> 00:36:16,480
That decides it.
795
00:36:18,360 --> 00:36:20,240
Rishi Sunak, it's the acting King.
796
00:36:20,280 --> 00:36:22,640
We need to talk. ASAP.
797
00:36:22,680 --> 00:36:26,000
No-one's going to call me
Silly Billy.
798
00:36:26,040 --> 00:36:27,960
My erection! It's back!
799
00:36:30,920 --> 00:36:32,160
Well, that got weird.
800
00:36:40,560 --> 00:36:43,200
Right, can we make this quick?
I've got a photoshoot to get to
801
00:36:43,240 --> 00:36:45,440
where I'm supposed to look
normal in a curry house.
802
00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:47,320
Prime Minister,
for the sake of the nation,
803
00:36:47,360 --> 00:36:49,120
the coronation has got to be mega.
804
00:36:49,160 --> 00:36:51,520
Look, Wills,
805
00:36:51,560 --> 00:36:54,720
I was brought in to sort out the
public finances because I'm a man
806
00:36:54,760 --> 00:36:57,120
of integrity, professionalism,
807
00:36:57,160 --> 00:36:58,800
and accountability.
808
00:36:58,840 --> 00:37:01,360
And I'm telling you,
the money simply isn't there.
809
00:37:02,640 --> 00:37:04,160
Wait a minute.
810
00:37:04,200 --> 00:37:06,240
I've just inherited
the Duchy of Cornwall,
811
00:37:08,000 --> 00:37:09,680
and your net worth is 700 million.
812
00:37:09,720 --> 00:37:11,000
That's my wife's.
813
00:37:11,040 --> 00:37:12,440
We'll pay for it!
814
00:37:12,480 --> 00:37:14,280
We can go halves!
815
00:37:14,320 --> 00:37:16,400
Er...
816
00:37:16,440 --> 00:37:18,000
Oh!
817
00:37:18,040 --> 00:37:22,800
I've just seen that if we move
farm subsidies over to next year,
818
00:37:22,840 --> 00:37:25,560
shave a little off education,
819
00:37:25,600 --> 00:37:29,680
and delay a couple of wind farms,
we can just manage it.
820
00:37:29,720 --> 00:37:31,720
All right!
821
00:37:31,760 --> 00:37:33,600
The grand coronation's back on.
822
00:37:34,640 --> 00:37:36,360
I definitely pay my taxes.
823
00:37:42,440 --> 00:37:44,280
I'm sorry, Charles,
I'm leaving you.
824
00:37:45,520 --> 00:37:47,480
I can't say I blame you.
825
00:37:47,520 --> 00:37:51,400
All those years waiting in
the wings, finally the spotlight
826
00:37:51,440 --> 00:37:52,680
shone on me, and I blew it.
827
00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:59,040
# Sometimes you learn
that your dreams
828
00:37:59,080 --> 00:38:00,880
# Will have to pass
829
00:38:02,120 --> 00:38:05,240
# When you realise your husband is
830
00:38:05,280 --> 00:38:07,480
# One tremendous arse... #
831
00:38:07,520 --> 00:38:09,560
The grand coronation's back on!
832
00:38:09,600 --> 00:38:11,280
You've got to come back to London.
833
00:38:11,320 --> 00:38:13,000
What if I don't want to go?
834
00:38:13,040 --> 00:38:15,600
We're having such fun
here in retirement.
835
00:38:15,640 --> 00:38:17,440
Please, Pa.
836
00:38:17,480 --> 00:38:20,000
I've brought your red box.
837
00:38:20,040 --> 00:38:22,080
I couldn't bring myself to open it.
838
00:38:22,120 --> 00:38:24,120
It somehow felt wrong
and contributed to
839
00:38:24,160 --> 00:38:25,440
my erectile dysfunction.
840
00:38:25,480 --> 00:38:26,960
Do you know what's in there?
841
00:38:27,000 --> 00:38:29,800
Do you know what it is
the government really send me to do?
842
00:38:29,840 --> 00:38:31,280
Important documents.
843
00:38:31,320 --> 00:38:33,480
Things to review and consider.
State business.
844
00:38:33,520 --> 00:38:35,400
No, my boy.
845
00:38:35,440 --> 00:38:37,080
This is what they send me.
846
00:38:39,920 --> 00:38:43,640
Well...anyway, the people miss you.
847
00:38:43,680 --> 00:38:46,480
And they want to celebrate your
coronation with all the pomp and
848
00:38:46,520 --> 00:38:49,080
ceremony a small-to-medium-sized
economy can afford.
849
00:38:49,120 --> 00:38:50,800
Everything's set up at the Abbey.
850
00:38:50,840 --> 00:38:52,560
The massed pipers, the gold coach,
851
00:38:52,600 --> 00:38:54,200
Brian May and the squirrels.
852
00:38:54,240 --> 00:38:55,640
I'm begging you, Pa.
853
00:38:55,680 --> 00:38:59,240
Come back and do this thing.
Properly.
854
00:38:59,280 --> 00:39:01,920
What do you think, Camilla?
855
00:39:01,960 --> 00:39:03,640
Do I get to be called Queen?
856
00:39:05,160 --> 00:39:06,600
Yes.
857
00:39:06,640 --> 00:39:07,760
Get in the car!
858
00:39:10,400 --> 00:39:12,040
Ready, my sweet?
859
00:39:13,880 --> 00:39:15,440
It's Fondle Friday.
860
00:39:16,720 --> 00:39:19,320
Oh, why am I putting
myself through this?
861
00:39:19,360 --> 00:39:21,160
It's not even a proper coronation.
862
00:39:21,200 --> 00:39:22,320
What do you mean, Sophie?
863
00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:24,560
I can't believe you
haven't seen it already,
864
00:39:24,600 --> 00:39:26,600
you thick Windsor inbred. I'm...
865
00:39:26,640 --> 00:39:30,040
The grand coronation's back on!
How exciting!
866
00:39:30,080 --> 00:39:33,120
HIGH-PITCHED: ..very excited, too!
867
00:39:33,160 --> 00:39:34,680
The boudoir awaits.
868
00:39:42,960 --> 00:39:45,440
You were right, Eugenie,
we're making it work,
869
00:39:45,480 --> 00:39:47,720
and making ourselves proud
of our family name,
870
00:39:47,760 --> 00:39:50,200
which we've now changed
to Arkwright.
871
00:39:50,240 --> 00:39:51,800
It's fab here.
872
00:39:51,840 --> 00:39:54,280
Fresh vegetables from
our own garden.
873
00:39:54,320 --> 00:39:57,160
Juice made with berries
from the hedgerow.
874
00:39:57,200 --> 00:40:01,600
And a friendly welcome from
our lovely neighbours.
875
00:40:01,640 --> 00:40:02,960
GOAT BLEATS
876
00:40:04,680 --> 00:40:06,880
We don't need the royal family,
877
00:40:06,920 --> 00:40:09,080
and we don't need our husbands.
878
00:40:10,280 --> 00:40:12,720
TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS
What was that?
879
00:40:12,760 --> 00:40:15,000
I heard it, too. A steam train!
880
00:40:15,040 --> 00:40:16,400
Because we're in the North,
881
00:40:16,440 --> 00:40:18,960
and they haven't got their
Levelling Up money yet.
882
00:40:19,000 --> 00:40:21,520
TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS
There it is!
883
00:40:23,480 --> 00:40:26,520
Wait, someone's left their bicycle
lying across the tracks.
884
00:40:26,560 --> 00:40:29,280
I certainly didn't leave it there
because I thought it was, like,
885
00:40:29,320 --> 00:40:30,960
a Lime Bike you just chuck anywhere.
886
00:40:31,000 --> 00:40:35,000
We've got to warn the driver,
or there'll be a terrible disaster!
887
00:40:35,040 --> 00:40:37,200
If only there was a flag
we could wave.
888
00:40:37,240 --> 00:40:39,480
Got it. We take our pants off
889
00:40:39,520 --> 00:40:42,200
and tie them to those beanpoles
over there and wave them.
890
00:40:42,240 --> 00:40:43,520
Roger that.
891
00:40:49,400 --> 00:40:50,640
You wear a thong?
892
00:40:50,680 --> 00:40:53,840
Yeah. Edo likes it. He's Italian.
893
00:40:53,880 --> 00:40:55,640
But it's too tiny!
894
00:40:55,680 --> 00:40:57,520
TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS
895
00:40:57,560 --> 00:40:59,640
The driver can't see them!
896
00:40:59,680 --> 00:41:01,280
Well, luckily, Jack's British,
897
00:41:01,320 --> 00:41:03,160
which means I can get
away with these.
898
00:41:06,640 --> 00:41:08,520
BOTH: Stop!
899
00:41:08,560 --> 00:41:11,560
For the love of God, stop! Stop!
900
00:41:24,080 --> 00:41:25,280
Yes!
901
00:41:34,320 --> 00:41:36,880
Edo, you were on the train?
902
00:41:36,920 --> 00:41:38,320
I saw your thong.
903
00:41:38,360 --> 00:41:39,720
So small.
904
00:41:39,760 --> 00:41:41,280
Just how I like it.
905
00:41:41,320 --> 00:41:42,720
And Jack...
906
00:41:42,760 --> 00:41:45,040
And I saw your big baggy pants.
907
00:41:45,080 --> 00:41:46,840
So big.
908
00:41:46,880 --> 00:41:48,040
Just how I like them.
909
00:41:52,520 --> 00:41:54,600
We thought you'd deserted us
910
00:41:54,640 --> 00:41:56,840
because of Daddy being
too honourable.
911
00:41:56,880 --> 00:41:59,120
No, you silly. I was in Portugal.
912
00:41:59,160 --> 00:42:01,960
George Clooney has made me
brand ambassador to a golf club,
913
00:42:02,000 --> 00:42:03,200
as well as to his tequila.
914
00:42:03,240 --> 00:42:05,160
That's fantastic!
915
00:42:05,200 --> 00:42:07,840
Although I'm still not entirely sure
what a brand ambassador is.
916
00:42:07,880 --> 00:42:09,880
Hey, a job's a job. Exactly.
917
00:42:09,920 --> 00:42:13,760
And this time, it really is so me!
918
00:42:16,160 --> 00:42:19,080
Oh, and here's a telegram.
919
00:42:21,160 --> 00:42:22,440
It's from Wills.
920
00:42:22,480 --> 00:42:25,280
"You're all invited to
the coronation, stop.
921
00:42:25,320 --> 00:42:27,480
"It's going to be mega, stop."
922
00:42:27,520 --> 00:42:32,400
O-M-G, we're not ostraciiiiised!
923
00:42:32,440 --> 00:42:34,200
Tequila?
924
00:42:34,240 --> 00:42:35,360
Shots!
925
00:42:35,400 --> 00:42:37,280
THEY CHEER
926
00:42:39,960 --> 00:42:42,400
Well, last night wasn't
what I expected.
927
00:42:42,440 --> 00:42:44,560
Oh, sorry, I was a bit off-form.
928
00:42:44,600 --> 00:42:47,960
12 hours of it, though.
You're an animal.
929
00:42:48,000 --> 00:42:49,760
I think it's my
Royal Marines training.
930
00:42:49,800 --> 00:42:51,920
Well, didn't you quit the course
after four months?
931
00:42:51,960 --> 00:42:53,520
Imagine if I'd finished it.
932
00:42:55,840 --> 00:42:57,360
Imagine.
KATE: Sophie!
933
00:42:57,400 --> 00:42:58,760
Oh, she's here. Fantastic.
934
00:42:58,800 --> 00:43:00,200
Oh, I say!
935
00:43:03,160 --> 00:43:05,240
Your Commonwealth dress
is sensational!
936
00:43:05,280 --> 00:43:07,760
And I feel sensational.
937
00:43:07,800 --> 00:43:10,240
The colours, the fit.
938
00:43:10,280 --> 00:43:13,080
I'm my best-ever self.
939
00:43:14,680 --> 00:43:17,800
Oh, Kate! I'm so sorry!
940
00:43:17,840 --> 00:43:20,520
Now there's a massive
rip in Jamaica.
941
00:43:20,560 --> 00:43:23,240
That's one of the countries
we've got to stop leaving.
942
00:43:24,520 --> 00:43:25,920
WILL: Kate.
943
00:43:25,960 --> 00:43:28,360
There's no need for
separate bedrooms any more.
944
00:43:28,400 --> 00:43:29,840
Oh, Wills!
945
00:43:29,880 --> 00:43:31,520
Your father is being crowned King,
946
00:43:31,560 --> 00:43:33,640
and you can get an erection.
947
00:43:33,680 --> 00:43:35,160
Who cares about the dress?
948
00:43:35,200 --> 00:43:37,720
This is the happiest day
of my life.
949
00:43:39,040 --> 00:43:40,880
Their Royal Majesties.
950
00:43:47,080 --> 00:43:50,040
Right. Let's do this thing.
951
00:43:52,360 --> 00:43:54,160
LOUD CHEERING
952
00:43:54,200 --> 00:43:58,480
I here, present unto you,
King Charles,
953
00:43:58,520 --> 00:44:01,280
your undoubted King.
954
00:44:06,760 --> 00:44:11,000
CROWD CHANTS: Charles! Charles!
Charles! Charles! Charles! Charles!
955
00:44:11,040 --> 00:44:12,280
HE GRUNTS
956
00:44:23,080 --> 00:44:25,880
Auntie Anne, is that a wool
blend M&S pantsuit?
957
00:44:25,920 --> 00:44:27,240
Yes!
958
00:44:27,280 --> 00:44:32,200
Yes, with the grand coronation back
on and so much joyfulness about,
959
00:44:32,240 --> 00:44:36,400
I've remembered the woman I once was
- a multi-faceted, multi-layered,
960
00:44:36,440 --> 00:44:40,760
kooky, wonderful, glorious
human being.
961
00:44:40,800 --> 00:44:43,800
How dare you offer me that
without bowing?
962
00:44:43,840 --> 00:44:45,240
Slag!
963
00:44:45,280 --> 00:44:47,440
BLOWS LAND
964
00:44:49,160 --> 00:44:52,080
So great you could make it to
the coronation, Harry.
965
00:44:52,120 --> 00:44:54,040
Shame you weren't there, Meghan.
966
00:44:54,080 --> 00:44:57,400
It was a difficult decision,
but I'm such a private person.
967
00:44:57,440 --> 00:44:59,800
Willy, Kate, we owe you an apology.
968
00:44:59,840 --> 00:45:01,800
A proper one this time,
with no cameras.
969
00:45:03,200 --> 00:45:05,760
And no weird dialogue
for me to learn.
970
00:45:05,800 --> 00:45:08,840
We can't pretend your behaviour
has not had a negative impact
971
00:45:08,880 --> 00:45:10,440
on our mental health.
972
00:45:10,480 --> 00:45:14,240
Speaking up when you have a mental
health issue is so important,
973
00:45:14,280 --> 00:45:17,120
which is why I started my
"Aiet and Abiet" scheme.
974
00:45:17,160 --> 00:45:20,560
But of course, we accept
your apology, and we look forward
975
00:45:20,600 --> 00:45:22,200
to renewing our friendship.
976
00:45:28,480 --> 00:45:29,480
DIRECTOR: Cut!
977
00:45:32,760 --> 00:45:35,760
It's for our Instagram feed. Oh!
978
00:45:35,800 --> 00:45:39,520
It's so important to get your
narrative out there.
979
00:45:39,560 --> 00:45:42,360
Hm.
GLASS CLINKING
980
00:45:44,160 --> 00:45:46,800
Camilla and I would like
to invite the family
981
00:45:46,840 --> 00:45:49,120
to join us on the balcony.
982
00:45:49,160 --> 00:45:51,800
To wave at the idiots.
983
00:45:51,840 --> 00:45:54,640
CHEERING
984
00:46:03,520 --> 00:46:07,520
My subjects, we are racked by
political instability,
985
00:46:07,560 --> 00:46:10,440
with an economy close to recession
986
00:46:10,480 --> 00:46:13,680
and an international credit rating
worse than Lithuania's.
987
00:46:13,720 --> 00:46:16,800
But there's one thing
we British do better than
988
00:46:16,840 --> 00:46:18,760
any other country in the world.
989
00:46:18,800 --> 00:46:20,920
Dress up in silly costumes
990
00:46:20,960 --> 00:46:23,560
and remember we once had an empire.
991
00:46:23,600 --> 00:46:25,240
CHEERING
992
00:46:25,280 --> 00:46:27,960
But you, the people, are hurting.
993
00:46:28,000 --> 00:46:32,280
And I feel your hurt as keenly
as if a butler in one of
994
00:46:32,320 --> 00:46:35,960
my 13 houses had accidentally
trodden on my foot.
995
00:46:36,000 --> 00:46:40,360
Which is why we promise you
a fiscally responsible,
996
00:46:40,400 --> 00:46:43,960
slimmed-down monarchy to suit
these straightened times.
997
00:46:44,000 --> 00:46:45,280
Sod that!
998
00:46:45,320 --> 00:46:47,240
We don't want half measures!
999
00:46:47,280 --> 00:46:49,160
We want a full-on monarchy,
1000
00:46:49,200 --> 00:46:50,880
with all the weird relatives.
1001
00:46:50,920 --> 00:46:53,360
Yeah! Bring on the rest of 'em.
1002
00:46:53,400 --> 00:46:54,720
Apart from the sweaty twat!
1003
00:46:54,760 --> 00:46:58,120
CHEERING
Bring 'em on!
1004
00:46:58,160 --> 00:47:00,120
The people have spoken!
1005
00:47:09,360 --> 00:47:12,880
CROWD CHANTS: God save the King!
God save the King!
1006
00:47:12,920 --> 00:47:14,800
God save the King!
1007
00:47:14,840 --> 00:47:17,160
So, let's crank up the Elgar,
1008
00:47:17,200 --> 00:47:19,560
wave at the Spitfires,
1009
00:47:19,600 --> 00:47:23,000
and cry God for Charlie,
the United Kingdom,
1010
00:47:23,040 --> 00:47:28,240
and the Commonwealth,
on this, my coronation day.
1011
00:47:28,280 --> 00:47:31,560
God save me!
1012
00:47:35,360 --> 00:47:39,160
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