Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:17,183
♪ ♪
2
00:00:17,225 --> 00:00:20,812
♪ Bitch, jump in that,
ha, ha, jump in that fire ♪
3
00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:23,523
♪ Jump in that bitch,
hitting that fire ♪
4
00:00:23,565 --> 00:00:24,983
♪ Jump in that whip ♪
5
00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:26,192
♪ Thumb in that bitch ♪
6
00:00:26,234 --> 00:00:27,694
♪ Come in that bitch, ho ♪
7
00:00:27,736 --> 00:00:30,530
♪ Drumming that, ha, ha,
drumming that bitch ♪
8
00:00:30,572 --> 00:00:31,906
♪ Chopper doing circles ♪
9
00:00:31,948 --> 00:00:34,367
♪ It's a bird, bird ♪
10
00:00:34,409 --> 00:00:36,244
♪ Take him to the party ♪
11
00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:38,455
♪ He's a nerd, pop out ♪
12
00:00:38,496 --> 00:00:40,081
♪ I ain't seen niggas
hit corners ♪
13
00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:41,708
♪ In the motherfucking burbs ♪
14
00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:43,084
♪ Pop out ♪
15
00:00:43,126 --> 00:00:44,395
♪ Done politicking
with the competition ♪
16
00:00:44,419 --> 00:00:46,046
♪ What's the word, yeah ♪
17
00:00:46,087 --> 00:00:47,815
♪ Put that on my mama, nigga,
eight in the process ♪
18
00:00:47,839 --> 00:00:50,050
♪ Nigga tryin' to tippy-toe
through the progress ♪
19
00:00:50,091 --> 00:00:52,218
♪ Tongue-tied when the truth
is an object ♪
20
00:00:52,260 --> 00:00:55,388
♪ What's the pros and the cons
of this next check ♪
21
00:00:55,430 --> 00:00:57,557
♪ Wasn't nobody round,
I was independent ♪
22
00:00:57,599 --> 00:00:59,410
♪ In the '90s, sitting bum
with the windows tinted ♪
23
00:00:59,434 --> 00:01:02,103
♪ Jump in that, ha, ha,
jump in that fire ♪
24
00:01:02,145 --> 00:01:04,939
♪ Jump in that bitch,
hitting that fire ♪
25
00:01:04,981 --> 00:01:06,566
♪ Jump in that whip ♪
26
00:01:06,608 --> 00:01:07,525
♪ Thumb in that bitch ♪
27
00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:08,985
♪ Come in that bitch, ho ♪
28
00:01:09,027 --> 00:01:11,529
♪ Drumming that, ha, ha,
drumming that bitch ♪
29
00:01:11,571 --> 00:01:13,156
♪ Chopper doing circles ♪
30
00:01:13,198 --> 00:01:15,200
♪ It's a bird, bird ♪
31
00:01:18,703 --> 00:01:21,247
♪ Pop out, I ain't seen niggas
hit corners ♪
32
00:01:21,289 --> 00:01:22,957
♪ In the motherfucking burbs ♪
33
00:01:22,999 --> 00:01:24,459
♪ Pop out ♪
34
00:01:24,501 --> 00:01:25,603
♪ Done politicking
with the competition ♪
35
00:01:25,627 --> 00:01:27,253
♪ What's the word, yeah ♪
36
00:01:27,295 --> 00:01:29,547
♪ Put that on my mama, nigga,
eight in the process ♪
37
00:01:33,593 --> 00:01:35,679
Aw, damn.
38
00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:40,642
Thank you.
Thank you.
39
00:01:42,727 --> 00:01:45,397
Y'all see this fucking bat
in my hand.
40
00:01:47,148 --> 00:01:48,376
Bring your ass up to the stage,
41
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:49,693
I'ma knock
your fucking head off.
42
00:01:49,734 --> 00:01:51,444
I swear to God.
43
00:01:51,486 --> 00:01:53,446
OK?
We're sick of your shit.
44
00:01:53,488 --> 00:01:55,907
We're fighting back.
Don't you come up here.
45
00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:59,285
Knock your goddamn head
to the top of this arena.
46
00:01:59,327 --> 00:02:01,246
Don't you come up here.
47
00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:04,725
We're about to have a good time.
48
00:02:04,749 --> 00:02:06,960
I'm excited.
I'm fucking excited.
49
00:02:11,047 --> 00:02:13,800
All right, listen.
I'ma be up here for a while.
50
00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:16,302
I'ma talk about a lot
of shit while I'm up here.
51
00:02:16,344 --> 00:02:18,430
Some of the shit I say tonight
is gonna be mean.
52
00:02:18,471 --> 00:02:20,849
Let it happen.
Unclench your ass.
53
00:02:20,890 --> 00:02:23,476
Have a good time.
That's why you're here.
54
00:02:26,521 --> 00:02:28,940
I think I want to start off
by talking about people.
55
00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:30,316
That's where I want to start,
56
00:02:30,358 --> 00:02:32,610
'cause I feel like people
are going backwards.
57
00:02:32,652 --> 00:02:34,292
We're taking steps
in the wrong direction.
58
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,322
People don't want
to be themselves anymore.
59
00:02:36,364 --> 00:02:38,992
People are goddamn
losing fucking confidence.
60
00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:41,494
People are trying to change,
shape, and mold
61
00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:43,496
into shit
that doesn't even exist.
62
00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:45,206
I'm talking
about plastic surgery.
63
00:02:45,248 --> 00:02:48,001
Let's get into it.
I want to talk about it.
64
00:02:48,043 --> 00:02:50,003
I want to talk about it.
65
00:02:50,045 --> 00:02:52,422
What the fuck is going on, man?
66
00:02:52,464 --> 00:02:56,885
What the fuck is going on?
67
00:02:56,926 --> 00:02:59,679
Plastic surgery
is at an all-time high.
68
00:02:59,721 --> 00:03:01,032
I don't even know if you know
this, but back in the day,
69
00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:02,432
plastic surgery was a secret.
70
00:03:02,474 --> 00:03:03,576
Like, nobody wanted anybody
to know that they
71
00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:04,809
were getting work done.
72
00:03:04,851 --> 00:03:07,354
It was all nose jobs
and titty jobs.
73
00:03:07,395 --> 00:03:09,814
Nose, titties.
Nose, titties.
74
00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:12,442
Nose, titties.
That's all it was.
75
00:03:12,484 --> 00:03:14,569
Back in the day,
people got mad at they doctor.
76
00:03:14,611 --> 00:03:16,771
You better not say shit about
what happened here today.
77
00:03:17,989 --> 00:03:19,949
Only two people that we knew
that got work done
78
00:03:19,991 --> 00:03:21,117
back in the day
79
00:03:21,159 --> 00:03:22,827
was Dolly Parton
and Michael Jackson.
80
00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:24,079
That's a fucking fact.
81
00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:26,206
Those are the only two people.
82
00:03:26,247 --> 00:03:27,665
Mike showed up
with that new nose.
83
00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:29,334
We knew.
That's not your nose, Mike.
84
00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:31,920
Something happened.
85
00:03:31,961 --> 00:03:33,797
That's not the same nose.
86
00:03:35,256 --> 00:03:36,901
Today it's different.
Everybody's getting work done.
87
00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:38,385
Men, women.
88
00:03:38,426 --> 00:03:39,779
Women have taken it
to a new level, though.
89
00:03:39,803 --> 00:03:42,722
The new shit that the women
are doing is the BBL.
90
00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:44,224
The BBL.
91
00:03:44,265 --> 00:03:46,434
What the fuck?
92
00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:48,645
Jesus Christ.
93
00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:50,730
These bitches look like ants.
94
00:03:50,772 --> 00:03:53,024
That's right.
I said it.
95
00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:56,236
They look like ants.
96
00:03:56,277 --> 00:03:57,862
Somebody's gotta say it.
97
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:02,409
Somebody's gotta say it.
98
00:04:02,450 --> 00:04:03,761
And if you don't believe me,
I challenge you
99
00:04:03,785 --> 00:04:05,453
to go look
at a picture of an ant
100
00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:06,955
and tell me I'm fucking lying.
101
00:04:08,581 --> 00:04:10,792
Big-ass head, little neck.
102
00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:13,420
Hard chest,
skinny waist, fat ass.
103
00:04:13,461 --> 00:04:15,964
You ever see an ant ass?
104
00:04:16,006 --> 00:04:19,592
Ants got ass.
You ever see an ant ass?
105
00:04:19,634 --> 00:04:21,177
If I was an insect,
I'd fuck an ant.
106
00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:22,929
Swear to God, I'd do it.
107
00:04:24,597 --> 00:04:26,141
Everybody wants change.
108
00:04:26,182 --> 00:04:28,768
Everybody's looking for change.
109
00:04:28,810 --> 00:04:31,062
A friend of mine's got
a huge forehead, right?
110
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:33,249
One of the worst foreheads I've
ever seen in my fucking life.
111
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:34,607
Huge.
112
00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:36,043
He told me the other day,
he said, "Kev,
113
00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:38,528
I'm thinking about
getting my forehead reduced."
114
00:04:38,570 --> 00:04:39,946
This is what he said to me.
115
00:04:39,988 --> 00:04:41,549
I couldn't believe
what the fuck I heard.
116
00:04:41,573 --> 00:04:43,050
I said, "What the fuck
you just say to me?"
117
00:04:43,074 --> 00:04:45,702
He said, "I'm thinking about
getting my forehand reduced.
118
00:04:45,744 --> 00:04:47,763
"I already talked to my doctor.
He said he can do it.
119
00:04:47,787 --> 00:04:50,749
"The average forehead
is 4 fingers wide.
120
00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:54,711
"He said I got an 8-to
12-finger situation going on.
121
00:04:54,753 --> 00:04:57,547
But he can flip it down.
He said he can flip it down."
122
00:04:57,589 --> 00:05:00,467
Flip it down?
123
00:05:00,508 --> 00:05:01,634
Nigga, that's not a hat.
124
00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:03,511
What are you talking about?
125
00:05:03,553 --> 00:05:06,139
It's your fucking
forehead, bitch.
126
00:05:06,181 --> 00:05:07,390
What about your brain?
127
00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:09,559
He said,
"Oh, he can push that back.
128
00:05:09,601 --> 00:05:11,478
"He gonna push that back.
129
00:05:11,519 --> 00:05:13,563
Raise my eyes up
so I can see better."
130
00:05:13,605 --> 00:05:15,357
I bet you fucking will.
131
00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:19,486
Everybody wants change.
132
00:05:19,527 --> 00:05:22,280
LeBron James,
real good friend of mine.
133
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:23,615
Well, he was.
134
00:05:23,656 --> 00:05:25,116
He hasn't heard this joke yet.
135
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:26,451
We'll see what happens.
136
00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:30,121
We'll see what happens.
137
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:32,082
I remember in the beginning
of LeBron career,
138
00:05:32,123 --> 00:05:33,416
he was going bald.
139
00:05:33,458 --> 00:05:35,293
His hair was real thin up top.
140
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:39,422
You could count the hairs
on top of his fucking head.
141
00:05:39,464 --> 00:05:40,674
You know how I know that?
142
00:05:40,715 --> 00:05:42,717
Because I was the one
counting the hairs
143
00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:45,428
on top of his fucking head.
144
00:05:45,470 --> 00:05:47,097
One.
145
00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:01,736
Two-ish-ish.
146
00:06:03,780 --> 00:06:05,407
I didn't see Bron
for, like, three weeks.
147
00:06:05,448 --> 00:06:07,450
I didn't see him,
and I didn't talk to him.
148
00:06:07,492 --> 00:06:09,411
Bron showed up
at a wedding I was at.
149
00:06:09,452 --> 00:06:11,621
He had a head full of hair.
150
00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:13,623
Walked in that bitch
with all this confidence
151
00:06:13,665 --> 00:06:15,059
like I didn't see him
three weeks ago
152
00:06:15,083 --> 00:06:17,419
with the fucking truth
on his goddamn head.
153
00:06:18,461 --> 00:06:20,356
He walked in, he was like,
"What up? What up? What up?
154
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,173
"What up? What up?
What up? What up?
155
00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:24,175
What up? What's going on?"
156
00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:28,096
I said, "What the fuck
is going on with you?
157
00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:30,515
The fuck is that
on your goddamn head?"
158
00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:32,159
People start kicking me.
"Chill, Kev. Chill."
159
00:06:32,183 --> 00:06:34,477
I said, "Get your
fucking feet off of me.
160
00:06:34,519 --> 00:06:35,937
"Ain't no chill.
161
00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:38,189
I want to know what the fuck
that is on Bron head."
162
00:06:38,982 --> 00:06:41,317
I'll tell you what it's not.
I knew what it wasn't.
163
00:06:41,359 --> 00:06:42,986
I knew it wasn't
a goddamn toupee.
164
00:06:43,028 --> 00:06:44,154
I knew that much.
165
00:06:44,195 --> 00:06:46,031
You know how I knew
it wasn't a toupee?
166
00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:48,450
Because they don't
make nigga toupees.
167
00:06:48,491 --> 00:06:50,076
They never have.
168
00:06:50,994 --> 00:06:53,455
They never have.
169
00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:55,707
The fuck is that
on your head, LeBron?
170
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:58,126
Is it alive?
Is it alive?
171
00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:02,130
Snatch it off right now.
172
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,550
I wanted to.
173
00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:07,594
He's tall. I can't get...
No way I'm getting that,
174
00:07:07,635 --> 00:07:09,596
but you get what I'm saying.
175
00:07:11,014 --> 00:07:13,641
Everybody's looking for change.
176
00:07:13,683 --> 00:07:14,851
I got an email from a guy
177
00:07:14,893 --> 00:07:16,227
I went to high school with,
right?
178
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:17,538
Email said, "Kev, it's time
for you to get yours."
179
00:07:17,562 --> 00:07:18,772
I open up the email.
180
00:07:18,813 --> 00:07:20,565
It's two pictures in the email.
181
00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:23,443
One picture was a real little
man standing next to a doctor.
182
00:07:23,485 --> 00:07:24,903
He was angry.
183
00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:28,323
Next picture,
that same little man
184
00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:29,574
was taller than the doctor.
185
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:32,869
He was giving a thumbs-up.
186
00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:34,305
Bottom of the email said,
"Kev, it's time for you
187
00:07:34,329 --> 00:07:36,247
to get yours."
188
00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:38,958
I'm confused.
What the fuck is going on?
189
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:40,227
I call him.
"Yo, I got your email.
190
00:07:40,251 --> 00:07:41,395
"What the fuck
are you talking about?
191
00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:42,671
What are you trying to say?"
192
00:07:42,712 --> 00:07:43,898
Said, "What do you mean,
what am I trying to say?"
193
00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:44,839
Said, "Exactly what I said.
What is this?
194
00:07:44,881 --> 00:07:45,983
What are you trying to say?"
195
00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:47,068
He said,
"They're giving out height.
196
00:07:47,092 --> 00:07:48,843
Go get you some."
197
00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:51,322
"The fuck you mean,
they giving out height?"
198
00:07:51,346 --> 00:07:53,306
"Exactly what I said.
They're giving out height.
199
00:07:53,348 --> 00:07:55,642
"They're taking the fat
out of people backs,
200
00:07:55,684 --> 00:07:58,186
putting it in their knees."
201
00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:06,820
"They taking the fat
out of people backs,
202
00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:08,905
putting it in their knees."
203
00:08:08,947 --> 00:08:10,657
He said, "Go get rid
of your back fat.
204
00:08:10,699 --> 00:08:13,451
Get yourself some inches."
205
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:16,329
I said,
"I will do no such thing."
206
00:08:16,371 --> 00:08:18,665
Get rid of my goddamn back fat.
207
00:08:18,707 --> 00:08:20,959
43 years old.
208
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:23,169
I've been 5'5" my whole life...
209
00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:27,007
5'4 "... 5'2 1/2"
my whole fucking life.
210
00:08:29,592 --> 00:08:32,178
Don't have to do no shit
like that.
211
00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:34,889
You gotta remember, I ain't
been on tour, like, four years.
212
00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:37,809
I can't just walk out
this bitch 6'6"
213
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,311
and not say shit about it.
214
00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:42,439
I just walk out.
What up? What up? What up?
215
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:43,624
What up? What up?
What up? What up?
216
00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:45,358
What up?
What up?
217
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,610
What's going on?
218
00:08:47,652 --> 00:08:50,447
What the fuck
is going on with you?
219
00:08:50,488 --> 00:08:51,698
Look at his goddamn knees.
220
00:08:51,740 --> 00:08:54,117
What he do to his knees?
221
00:08:54,159 --> 00:08:55,827
Why he got all them holes
in his back?
222
00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:57,912
What the fuck he do to his back?
223
00:09:00,915 --> 00:09:02,208
You know what I want?
224
00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:04,502
I want people to start
thinking shit through.
225
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:07,213
I want to get back to the times
when people had patience.
226
00:09:07,255 --> 00:09:09,674
You gotta slow down,
start thinking shit through.
227
00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:11,176
Stop acting on impulse.
228
00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:12,802
Let's say
I go get the procedure.
229
00:09:12,844 --> 00:09:16,014
I come out of it with these new
knees and these long-ass legs.
230
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,265
I'm 6'6".
231
00:09:17,307 --> 00:09:20,727
Look at my fucking knees
and these long-ass legs.
232
00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:22,103
But I still got the same arms.
233
00:09:22,145 --> 00:09:26,066
I didn't do shit
to my fucking arms.
234
00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:28,902
I didn't judge it right.
235
00:09:28,943 --> 00:09:30,296
Now I can't put
my hands in my pocket
236
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:32,155
'cause I done fucked up.
237
00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:35,408
I'm out this bitch
looking like a T. rex,
238
00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:37,660
touching my chest all the time.
239
00:09:39,537 --> 00:09:40,765
Why Kev always
rubbing his chest?
240
00:09:40,789 --> 00:09:42,248
Bitch, 'cause I misjudged it.
241
00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:44,334
I can't get my hands
in my pockets.
242
00:09:45,877 --> 00:09:47,212
You gotta think shit through.
243
00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:48,880
Let's say
I go get the procedure.
244
00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:51,800
I got these goddamn new knees,
long-ass legs.
245
00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:53,778
My fucking frame, look at
my chest and my shoulders.
246
00:09:53,802 --> 00:09:57,347
I'm 6'6", but I still
wear a size 7 sneaker.
247
00:09:57,389 --> 00:09:59,933
I didn't do shit to my feet.
248
00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:01,768
Now I can't support
the new body.
249
00:10:01,810 --> 00:10:04,020
My balance is off.
250
00:10:04,062 --> 00:10:06,523
I look like that thing
that be at the car dealerships,
251
00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:09,484
that man... that air man.
252
00:10:09,526 --> 00:10:11,820
Look at me.
253
00:10:11,861 --> 00:10:14,948
You gotta think shit through.
254
00:10:14,989 --> 00:10:17,075
Stop acting on impulse.
255
00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:20,912
We're in a crazy time right now.
256
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:23,581
We're in a real crazy time.
By the way, rightfully so.
257
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:24,833
We've been through a lot.
258
00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:26,292
Pandemic hit us hard.
259
00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:28,086
Pandemic sat us all down
with nothing to do,
260
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,921
gave us nothing
but time to think.
261
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:31,131
That's when people get weird,
262
00:10:31,172 --> 00:10:33,133
when they fucking think
all goddamn day.
263
00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:35,593
Just thinking about shit
with nothing to do.
264
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:38,304
That's why a lot of weird shit
happened after the pandemic.
265
00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:39,764
I'ma tell you
the weirdest invention
266
00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:41,450
in my opinion that came
out of the pandemic,
267
00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:42,600
this Metaverse shit.
268
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:43,995
I don't even know
if you know what it is.
269
00:10:44,019 --> 00:10:45,413
For those who do not know
what the Metaverse is,
270
00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:47,147
I'll do my best
to explain it to you.
271
00:10:47,188 --> 00:10:49,983
The Metaverse was created
for people that don't want
272
00:10:50,025 --> 00:10:52,360
to be here in the real world.
273
00:10:52,402 --> 00:10:54,237
So they can go there
and do shit there
274
00:10:54,279 --> 00:10:55,905
with the people
that don't like them here
275
00:10:55,947 --> 00:10:57,883
but they don't know that
they are who they are there.
276
00:10:57,907 --> 00:10:59,659
That's what the fuck it is,
right?
277
00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:01,036
It's some weird shit.
278
00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:03,413
It's a lot of weird shit
happening in the Metaverse.
279
00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:05,057
There was a story about a woman
who says she got
280
00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:07,500
sexually assaulted
in the Metaverse.
281
00:11:07,542 --> 00:11:09,020
This is real shit.
You can Google this.
282
00:11:09,044 --> 00:11:11,212
This is Googleable information.
283
00:11:11,254 --> 00:11:12,756
Says she got sexually assaulted.
284
00:11:12,797 --> 00:11:13,965
They gave it time and energy.
285
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:15,133
They interviewed her.
286
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:17,010
"Are you OK?
How do you feel?"
287
00:11:17,052 --> 00:11:19,346
That's what they said.
"How do you feel?"
288
00:11:19,387 --> 00:11:21,097
Nobody said,
289
00:11:21,139 --> 00:11:24,768
"Bitch, why didn't you
close the laptop, huh?
290
00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:26,186
"Huh?
291
00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:28,063
"Why didn't you take
the headset off?
292
00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:30,482
You just sitting there
letting it happen."
293
00:11:37,447 --> 00:11:39,949
"Make it stop."
294
00:11:39,991 --> 00:11:42,827
Bitch, take the goddamn
headset off.
295
00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:47,874
Close the laptop,
with your stupid ass.
296
00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:49,918
Sitting there taking
a virtual assaulting,
297
00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:51,920
with your stupid as.
298
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,381
You know what I want to do?
299
00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:55,900
I want to get back
to the times when you can
300
00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:57,425
tell people, shut the fuck up.
301
00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:58,718
Sit your dumb ass down.
302
00:11:58,760 --> 00:11:59,928
I want to go back there.
303
00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:02,806
Yeah. Yeah.
304
00:12:02,847 --> 00:12:04,557
I want to go back
to those times.
305
00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:05,600
Shut the fuck up.
306
00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:08,561
Sit your dumb ass down.
307
00:12:08,603 --> 00:12:11,272
We're giving too much
too much attention.
308
00:12:11,314 --> 00:12:13,983
We're entertaining
the crazy way too much.
309
00:12:14,025 --> 00:12:15,211
Let me tell you
something, people.
310
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,696
The crazy are only
going to get crazier.
311
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:18,905
That's not fiction.
312
00:12:18,947 --> 00:12:20,448
That's a fact.
It's a fact.
313
00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:22,951
You gotta stop
entertaining the shit.
314
00:12:22,992 --> 00:12:25,161
I don't entertain it
personally, right?
315
00:12:25,203 --> 00:12:26,454
I don't.
I really don't, man.
316
00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:27,956
Like, I'ma tell you what.
317
00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:30,458
I feel like I live in the crazy.
318
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:32,377
I'm in the fucking crazy.
319
00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:34,087
I do.
I really do feel like that.
320
00:12:34,129 --> 00:12:36,089
Like, there's times
where I actually,
321
00:12:36,131 --> 00:12:38,383
like, want to know if I'm crazy
322
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:42,137
or why I'm not as crazy
as I feel like I should be.
323
00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:43,280
'Cause I've been
through a lot of shit.
324
00:12:43,304 --> 00:12:46,141
On paper, I should
be fucking crazy.
325
00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:47,576
On paper, all the shit
I've been through?
326
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,519
I should be fucking crazy.
And who knows?
327
00:12:49,561 --> 00:12:50,687
Maybe it's coming.
328
00:12:50,729 --> 00:12:53,106
Maybe I got crazy waiting on me.
329
00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:54,274
'Cause you don't expect it.
330
00:12:54,315 --> 00:12:56,776
Nobody plans to be crazy.
It just happens.
331
00:12:56,818 --> 00:12:58,945
Crazy just sneaks up on you.
332
00:12:58,987 --> 00:13:00,697
Look at Will Smith.
He didn't plan that.
333
00:13:00,739 --> 00:13:02,323
That just happened.
334
00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:05,410
What?
He didn't plan that.
335
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:07,454
It just fucking happened.
336
00:13:07,495 --> 00:13:09,914
"Keep my wife's name
out your motherfucking mouth."
337
00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:11,958
Come on, man.
338
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,835
He didn't fucking plan that.
339
00:13:15,170 --> 00:13:20,633
"Keep my wife's name
out your motherfucking mouth."
340
00:13:20,675 --> 00:13:23,053
He jumped out his goddamn body.
341
00:13:25,597 --> 00:13:27,241
You have any idea how crazy
you gotta be to make
342
00:13:27,265 --> 00:13:28,850
Samuel L. Jackson jump back?
343
00:13:28,892 --> 00:13:31,019
Do you have any idea?
344
00:13:32,103 --> 00:13:33,313
"Keep my wife's name"...
345
00:13:33,355 --> 00:13:34,373
"Say,
what the fuck happening, Jack?
346
00:13:34,397 --> 00:13:36,524
Goddamn."
347
00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:39,986
I'm next.
348
00:13:40,028 --> 00:13:43,156
I know it.
I feel like I'm next.
349
00:13:43,198 --> 00:13:44,425
It's a lot of shit
going on, man.
350
00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:46,368
I'm fucking stressed
the fuck out.
351
00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:47,410
I'm about to pop.
352
00:13:47,452 --> 00:13:49,454
I'm telling y'all ahead of time.
353
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:50,997
Y'all gonna see me
at a gas station
354
00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:52,183
with my dick in the tank soon.
355
00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:53,458
Something stupid gonna happen.
356
00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:55,835
"Kev, what you doing?"
357
00:13:55,877 --> 00:13:56,878
"Getting gas.
358
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,672
Mind your fucking
business, bitch."
359
00:13:58,713 --> 00:14:03,051
"Keep my wife's name
out your motherfucking mouth."
360
00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:04,469
It's coming.
361
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,306
You know the crazy thing?
362
00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,183
I've realized
that I live in the crazy.
363
00:14:10,225 --> 00:14:11,643
Like, I live in Los Angeles.
364
00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:13,663
I feel like Los Angeles
is the craziest place ever.
365
00:14:13,687 --> 00:14:15,689
I call Los Angeles
the land of the lost,
366
00:14:15,730 --> 00:14:16,856
and here's the thing.
367
00:14:16,898 --> 00:14:18,209
It's not the people
from Los Angeles.
368
00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:19,567
They're fine.
It's not them.
369
00:14:19,609 --> 00:14:20,920
It's the people
that move out there,
370
00:14:20,944 --> 00:14:23,363
the people with dreams,
goals, ambitions.
371
00:14:23,405 --> 00:14:24,840
'Cause they want
all this shit to happen.
372
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:26,634
They move out there,
and then it doesn't happen,
373
00:14:26,658 --> 00:14:28,952
and they go, welp,
it's time to be nuts.
374
00:14:28,993 --> 00:14:31,079
They fucking lose it.
375
00:14:31,121 --> 00:14:34,040
They lose it.
376
00:14:34,082 --> 00:14:35,393
You gotta watch the news
in Los Angeles.
377
00:14:35,417 --> 00:14:37,085
I've never seen
anything like it.
378
00:14:37,127 --> 00:14:38,562
There was a story
on the news about a guy
379
00:14:38,586 --> 00:14:39,879
who was going to Denny's,
380
00:14:39,921 --> 00:14:43,133
putting his dick in people
breakfast at 7:00 a.m.
381
00:14:43,174 --> 00:14:45,844
7:00 a.m., slamming his dick
in people grits.
382
00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:51,742
They call him the dick slammer.
383
00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:54,436
This is true shit.
384
00:14:54,477 --> 00:14:56,896
Fucking up Grand Slams
nationwide.
385
00:14:59,691 --> 00:15:01,568
They reported it live
from Denny's.
386
00:15:01,609 --> 00:15:05,739
There was a news anchor
live in front of Denny's.
387
00:15:05,780 --> 00:15:07,407
He said,
"Welp, he did it again."
388
00:15:07,449 --> 00:15:09,993
What?
389
00:15:10,035 --> 00:15:11,178
"You're at Denny's,
watch your back,
390
00:15:11,202 --> 00:15:12,287
and watch your breakfast."
391
00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:14,122
What?
392
00:15:14,164 --> 00:15:15,975
Telling me I can't eat
breakfast without looking
393
00:15:15,999 --> 00:15:17,625
over my shoulder for stray dick?
394
00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:19,669
Are you kidding me?
395
00:15:19,711 --> 00:15:22,380
It's too much crazy.
396
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:25,300
The reason why I feel
like honestly I could be
397
00:15:25,342 --> 00:15:27,552
or, like, I have the potential
to be crazy,
398
00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:28,720
'cause I'm around it.
399
00:15:28,762 --> 00:15:30,764
Crazy friends, crazy family.
400
00:15:30,805 --> 00:15:32,057
My brother just got crazy.
401
00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:33,641
It just happened.
402
00:15:33,683 --> 00:15:34,684
He turned 50.
403
00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:35,953
The next day,
the nigga got weird.
404
00:15:35,977 --> 00:15:37,937
He got fucking weird.
405
00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:39,773
Called me with some weird shit.
406
00:15:39,814 --> 00:15:41,459
He's like, "Kev, I'm thinking
about getting a dog.
407
00:15:41,483 --> 00:15:42,359
I'm lonely."
408
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:43,360
I said, "You should get a dog.
409
00:15:43,401 --> 00:15:44,903
A dog would be good for you."
410
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:46,213
He's like, "Yeah, but I don't
know if I'd be a good owner.
411
00:15:46,237 --> 00:15:47,322
"You know what I'ma do?
412
00:15:47,364 --> 00:15:48,716
"I'ma act like a dog
for two weeks,
413
00:15:48,740 --> 00:15:50,325
see how that go."
414
00:15:55,789 --> 00:15:58,333
You ever hear somebody you love
say some crazy shit to you
415
00:15:58,375 --> 00:16:00,269
and you don't say nothing back
'cause you hope they say,
416
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:02,629
"I'm just fucking with you,"
and they never do?
417
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:05,524
I didn't know what to say.
I just got off the phone.
418
00:16:05,548 --> 00:16:07,568
I was like, "All right.
Well, let me let you go, man.
419
00:16:07,592 --> 00:16:08,778
Hit me when you figure it out."
420
00:16:08,802 --> 00:16:11,304
I just got off the phone.
421
00:16:11,346 --> 00:16:13,598
He called me a week later,
6:00 in the morning.
422
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:14,641
"Kev, you up?"
423
00:16:14,683 --> 00:16:16,559
I said, "I am now.
What's going on?"
424
00:16:16,601 --> 00:16:20,146
He said, "Ain't shit.
I'm out here walking this dog."
425
00:16:20,188 --> 00:16:21,207
I said, "You got the dog?"
426
00:16:21,231 --> 00:16:22,190
He said, "No, but if I had it,
427
00:16:22,232 --> 00:16:23,334
"this when I'd be walking it.
428
00:16:23,358 --> 00:16:24,943
I'm just trying to see
how it feel."
429
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:27,404
He said, "I'm mad 'cause
he won't go to the bathroom."
430
00:16:27,445 --> 00:16:30,407
What the fuck is going on?
431
00:16:30,448 --> 00:16:31,676
Now I'm worried,
but it's my brother,
432
00:16:31,700 --> 00:16:34,077
so I don't want
to fuck with him too much.
433
00:16:34,119 --> 00:16:35,805
So I participate.
This is what fucked me up.
434
00:16:35,829 --> 00:16:39,165
I go... I said, "Are you
walking him on grass?"
435
00:16:39,207 --> 00:16:42,085
This is what fucked me up.
436
00:16:42,127 --> 00:16:44,129
I said, "Are you
walking him on grass?"
437
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:46,047
My brother said,
"Ah, that's what it is.
438
00:16:46,089 --> 00:16:47,048
I'll call you back."
439
00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:48,299
Oh!
440
00:16:49,426 --> 00:16:51,344
Oh!
441
00:16:51,386 --> 00:16:53,763
He's a fucking psychopath!
442
00:16:53,805 --> 00:16:56,057
It's Jeffrey Dahmer
all over again.
443
00:16:56,099 --> 00:16:59,227
The lights are on.
Nobody's home.
444
00:17:02,230 --> 00:17:03,541
A week later, he called me
and said, "Kev,
445
00:17:03,565 --> 00:17:05,650
it's not gonna work.
I'm not getting a dog."
446
00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:07,253
I said, "Why not?"
He said, "'Cause he got loose.
447
00:17:07,277 --> 00:17:08,570
He ran away."
448
00:17:10,321 --> 00:17:11,424
Do you know how crazy
you gotta be
449
00:17:11,448 --> 00:17:12,866
to lose an imaginary dog?
450
00:17:12,907 --> 00:17:16,202
Do you have any idea
how fucking crazy you gotta be?
451
00:17:16,244 --> 00:17:17,704
I said, "Just act
like he came back.
452
00:17:17,746 --> 00:17:20,373
Pretend like the dog
came back."
453
00:17:20,415 --> 00:17:22,709
He said, "It's not
that easy, Kevin.
454
00:17:22,751 --> 00:17:26,379
"Plus, I just put the signs up
around the neighborhood
455
00:17:26,421 --> 00:17:27,881
trying to see if I get a call."
456
00:17:27,922 --> 00:17:29,424
Oh!
457
00:17:29,466 --> 00:17:31,134
He's a fucking psychopath!
458
00:17:35,263 --> 00:17:37,474
My dad is crazy.
459
00:17:37,515 --> 00:17:39,201
For those who do not know,
I just lost my dad,
460
00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:40,143
like, a week and a half ago.
461
00:17:40,185 --> 00:17:41,227
My dad just passed away.
462
00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:43,271
Not a sad moment.
Don't do that.
463
00:17:43,313 --> 00:17:44,582
We're not gonna make it
a sad moment.
464
00:17:44,606 --> 00:17:46,274
This is a celebration.
Here's why.
465
00:17:46,316 --> 00:17:47,734
Because of what I do
for a living,
466
00:17:47,776 --> 00:17:49,861
I get to fucking let the legend
of my dad live on.
467
00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:51,654
So we talk about my dad.
468
00:17:51,696 --> 00:17:53,114
We celebrate my dad.
469
00:17:53,156 --> 00:17:54,657
OK?
470
00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:56,659
It's a celebration.
471
00:17:56,701 --> 00:17:58,137
For those who have
followed my comedy,
472
00:17:58,161 --> 00:17:59,847
you know I've talked about
my dad throughout my career.
473
00:17:59,871 --> 00:18:01,039
Everything I said is true.
474
00:18:01,081 --> 00:18:03,208
It's all true, all the sayings.
475
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:04,268
All right, all right, all right.
476
00:18:04,292 --> 00:18:05,210
You gonna learn today.
Long dick.
477
00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:06,169
Say it with your chest.
478
00:18:06,211 --> 00:18:07,879
It's all fucking true.
479
00:18:09,381 --> 00:18:11,591
My dad passed away from COPD,
right?
480
00:18:11,633 --> 00:18:13,259
For those who do not know
what COPD is,
481
00:18:13,301 --> 00:18:14,861
it's like an elevated
version of asthma.
482
00:18:14,886 --> 00:18:16,388
My dad was on oxygen.
He had the tube
483
00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:18,932
hooked up to his nose,
oxygen tank in the corner.
484
00:18:18,973 --> 00:18:21,101
You go over his house,
this is all you saw.
485
00:18:21,142 --> 00:18:23,728
Just a bunch of fucking tube.
486
00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:25,206
He was an old man
that couldn't breathe
487
00:18:25,230 --> 00:18:26,398
that talked shit all day.
488
00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:28,441
That's all he did.
489
00:18:28,483 --> 00:18:30,694
Told the bitch
don't come over here.
490
00:18:33,154 --> 00:18:34,614
My dad thought
everybody had COVID.
491
00:18:34,656 --> 00:18:37,075
Don't let that bitch
in here with COVID.
492
00:18:37,117 --> 00:18:38,660
It's all on the hands.
493
00:18:38,702 --> 00:18:39,744
Look at the hands.
494
00:18:41,496 --> 00:18:42,455
Funny thing about
my dad is that he
495
00:18:42,497 --> 00:18:43,623
still thought he was tough.
496
00:18:43,665 --> 00:18:44,934
My friends would
fuck with him just
497
00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:46,376
to get a reaction out of him.
498
00:18:46,418 --> 00:18:47,812
My friend Wayne said,
"Spoon, I'll come over there
499
00:18:47,836 --> 00:18:49,716
and whup your ass,
knock that oxygen tank over."
500
00:18:49,754 --> 00:18:50,755
My dad got mad.
501
00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:52,149
He said, "Bitch,
say something else.
502
00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:54,843
I'll turn this tank up 20%,
give myself a boost."
503
00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:58,179
He started fucking
with the tank.
504
00:19:01,683 --> 00:19:03,309
20 seconds.
Start the clock right now.
505
00:19:03,351 --> 00:19:05,186
I'll fuck your ass up.
506
00:19:07,522 --> 00:19:08,940
He's a character.
507
00:19:08,982 --> 00:19:11,043
The thing about my dad is,
because he couldn't breathe,
508
00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:12,235
there was a rule.
509
00:19:12,277 --> 00:19:13,987
The rule was,
no surprising my dad.
510
00:19:14,029 --> 00:19:15,155
No surprising him.
511
00:19:15,196 --> 00:19:16,656
He couldn't take it.
It's too much.
512
00:19:18,408 --> 00:19:20,285
He couldn't take.
513
00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:24,998
He couldn't take it.
514
00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:28,877
I saw him almost die
one time, one time.
515
00:19:28,918 --> 00:19:30,128
We was in the kitchen.
516
00:19:30,170 --> 00:19:31,314
The tube got caught
under the stove.
517
00:19:31,338 --> 00:19:32,964
I didn't see it.
518
00:19:33,006 --> 00:19:34,632
I thought he had the hiccups.
519
00:19:37,052 --> 00:19:38,970
I did.
520
00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:41,890
That's what he did.
521
00:19:43,892 --> 00:19:46,019
Fuck wrong with you?
522
00:19:46,061 --> 00:19:48,188
You want some water?
523
00:19:48,229 --> 00:19:51,691
For a second,
for a quick second,
524
00:19:51,733 --> 00:19:53,169
I thought my brother dog
was in there.
525
00:19:53,193 --> 00:19:54,527
For a quick second.
526
00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:57,614
I said, that dog came here.
527
00:19:57,655 --> 00:20:00,450
I think that dog is in here.
528
00:20:00,492 --> 00:20:01,886
Then I realized
he couldn't breathe.
529
00:20:01,910 --> 00:20:03,220
I said, "Oh, shit, Dad,
you can't breathe.
530
00:20:03,244 --> 00:20:04,371
I got you."
531
00:20:04,412 --> 00:20:05,705
I started chasing the tube.
532
00:20:05,747 --> 00:20:07,749
I found a little kink
in the tube this big.
533
00:20:07,791 --> 00:20:08,875
I straightened it out.
534
00:20:08,917 --> 00:20:10,460
I got you, Dad.
535
00:20:10,502 --> 00:20:12,063
You would've thought somebody
shot my dad in the ass
536
00:20:12,087 --> 00:20:13,380
with adrenaline.
537
00:20:13,421 --> 00:20:14,381
I've never seen anybody
take a deeper breath
538
00:20:14,422 --> 00:20:15,715
in my fucking life.
539
00:20:19,594 --> 00:20:23,098
He said, "You see what
the devil tried to do to me?"
540
00:20:23,139 --> 00:20:25,809
Ain't no goddamn devil.
It's too much tube.
541
00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:29,872
I'll talk a lot of shit
about my dad,
542
00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:31,523
but it come
from a place of love.
543
00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:33,149
My dad had good qualities too.
544
00:20:33,191 --> 00:20:34,984
My dad is by far one of the best
545
00:20:35,026 --> 00:20:36,403
nickname givers on the planet.
546
00:20:36,444 --> 00:20:37,922
When it comes
to giving out nicknames,
547
00:20:37,946 --> 00:20:38,863
there's nobody better.
548
00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:40,240
Every nickname that he has given
549
00:20:40,281 --> 00:20:41,616
has lasted a lifetime.
550
00:20:41,658 --> 00:20:43,258
Keep in mind,
everybody wants a nickname.
551
00:20:43,284 --> 00:20:45,704
You just don't have the right
people giving them to you.
552
00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:48,039
Everyone has fucking landed.
553
00:20:48,081 --> 00:20:49,249
Here's a secret.
554
00:20:49,290 --> 00:20:50,518
The secret to giving out
good nicknames
555
00:20:50,542 --> 00:20:51,686
is that they gotta come
from a mean place.
556
00:20:51,710 --> 00:20:53,753
Good nicknames
are mean-spirited.
557
00:20:55,505 --> 00:20:57,549
I got an uncle.
My uncle had a stroke.
558
00:20:57,590 --> 00:20:58,776
His whole left side
is shut down.
559
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:01,594
His whole left side is dead,
can't move it.
560
00:21:01,636 --> 00:21:02,971
My dad called him Right Foot.
561
00:21:03,013 --> 00:21:05,724
This is a true story.
562
00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:07,034
It's not rocket science.
It's simple.
563
00:21:07,058 --> 00:21:08,435
It was actually too simple.
564
00:21:08,476 --> 00:21:09,912
I said, "Dad, why you
call him Right Foot?"
565
00:21:09,936 --> 00:21:11,163
He said, "You ever see him
move his left?"
566
00:21:11,187 --> 00:21:13,356
"No."
"All right.
567
00:21:13,398 --> 00:21:15,150
"There it is.
568
00:21:15,191 --> 00:21:17,110
There it is."
569
00:21:17,152 --> 00:21:19,029
Called my uncle Right Foot.
He get excited.
570
00:21:19,070 --> 00:21:20,613
"Right foot, what it is?"
571
00:21:20,655 --> 00:21:22,508
"Hey, you already know what the
fuck going on, god damn it."
572
00:21:22,532 --> 00:21:24,659
My uncle turned
into a human typewriter.
573
00:21:24,701 --> 00:21:25,701
Goddamn.
574
00:21:27,871 --> 00:21:28,955
I got an aunt.
575
00:21:28,997 --> 00:21:31,708
I got an aunt.
He calls my aunt Wings.
576
00:21:31,750 --> 00:21:32,876
Wings.
577
00:21:32,917 --> 00:21:34,836
She got that stuff
under her arm.
578
00:21:34,878 --> 00:21:36,314
You know that stuff
that women can't get rid of,
579
00:21:36,338 --> 00:21:37,881
that little piece?
580
00:21:37,922 --> 00:21:38,983
You know what I'm talking about,
581
00:21:39,007 --> 00:21:41,551
that piece that be up
under there?
582
00:21:41,593 --> 00:21:43,470
I never knew why he
called her Wings.
583
00:21:43,511 --> 00:21:45,221
One day, she was
in the kitchen going off.
584
00:21:45,263 --> 00:21:47,116
"Tired of y'all coming over
here, not closing the doors,
585
00:21:47,140 --> 00:21:48,141
eating up all the food."
586
00:21:48,183 --> 00:21:49,327
It was making a bunch of noise.
587
00:21:49,351 --> 00:21:51,436
Pat, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat.
588
00:21:53,188 --> 00:21:54,481
He tapped me, said, "Kev.
589
00:21:54,522 --> 00:21:56,125
"Look, look, look, look,
look, look, look, look.
590
00:21:56,149 --> 00:21:57,275
"She about to take off.
591
00:21:57,317 --> 00:21:59,819
"Fly, Wings.
592
00:21:59,861 --> 00:22:01,112
Fly."
593
00:22:02,405 --> 00:22:04,532
"Yeah."
594
00:22:06,284 --> 00:22:07,786
I love it when I tell that joke,
595
00:22:07,827 --> 00:22:10,121
'cause I can see some women
in the front grab they arm.
596
00:22:11,539 --> 00:22:12,665
Shut up, Kevin.
Shut up.
597
00:22:12,707 --> 00:22:14,417
You don't even... shut up.
598
00:22:16,878 --> 00:22:18,356
There's only one nickname
that he gave out
599
00:22:18,380 --> 00:22:19,398
that fucked me up a little bit.
600
00:22:19,422 --> 00:22:21,049
One.
601
00:22:21,091 --> 00:22:22,509
He got a little nephew.
602
00:22:22,550 --> 00:22:23,635
Little boy name is Calvin.
603
00:22:23,677 --> 00:22:25,470
My dad called him Crazy Horse.
604
00:22:25,512 --> 00:22:27,389
"Crazy Horse, come here.
605
00:22:27,430 --> 00:22:29,641
Crazy Horse, get over here."
606
00:22:29,683 --> 00:22:31,483
Now, before I go on
with the rest of the joke,
607
00:22:31,518 --> 00:22:33,228
I'ma tell you right now,
hand on the Bible,
608
00:22:33,269 --> 00:22:36,147
swear to God, I had no idea
that this boy was special.
609
00:22:36,189 --> 00:22:38,024
OK?
610
00:22:38,066 --> 00:22:39,651
I did not know.
611
00:22:39,693 --> 00:22:40,652
I'm getting that out the way.
612
00:22:40,694 --> 00:22:42,862
I'm telling you that now,
613
00:22:42,904 --> 00:22:44,215
'cause I don't want you
to think I'm a dickhead
614
00:22:44,239 --> 00:22:45,657
after I say what I say.
615
00:22:47,033 --> 00:22:48,386
I'm still gonna tell you
what the fuck I saw,
616
00:22:48,410 --> 00:22:50,995
but I wanted to get that out.
617
00:22:51,037 --> 00:22:52,372
Kept calling the boy
Crazy Horse.
618
00:22:52,414 --> 00:22:53,873
"Crazy Horse, come here."
619
00:22:53,915 --> 00:22:55,685
"I said, dad, why you keep
calling that boy Crazy Horse?"
620
00:22:55,709 --> 00:22:58,920
He said, "You never
seen him do it?"
621
00:22:58,962 --> 00:23:00,505
I said, "Do what?"
622
00:23:06,177 --> 00:23:07,929
I said, "Do what?"
623
00:23:07,971 --> 00:23:09,073
He said, "Crazy Horse,
come here."
624
00:23:09,097 --> 00:23:10,390
It was quick.
625
00:23:10,432 --> 00:23:11,867
If you blinked, you would
have fucking missed it.
626
00:23:11,891 --> 00:23:13,744
If you blink, I swear to God,
you would've missed it.
627
00:23:13,768 --> 00:23:14,853
"Crazy Horse, come here."
628
00:23:14,894 --> 00:23:16,771
The boy got up, he's like...
629
00:23:17,856 --> 00:23:19,107
Took off.
630
00:23:28,241 --> 00:23:29,576
No!
631
00:23:30,410 --> 00:23:31,745
No!
632
00:23:31,786 --> 00:23:34,664
Can't call that boy
no fucking Crazy Horse.
633
00:23:36,166 --> 00:23:37,476
He said, "Why not?
That's my nephew."
634
00:23:37,500 --> 00:23:39,252
I don't give a fuck who he is.
635
00:23:39,294 --> 00:23:41,379
'Cause of the times, you can't
treat people like that
636
00:23:41,421 --> 00:23:43,298
because of the times.
637
00:23:43,340 --> 00:23:45,550
He got mad, started
adjusting his oxygen tank.
638
00:23:47,969 --> 00:23:49,596
"Yell at me again,
I'll fuck your ass up.
639
00:23:49,637 --> 00:23:51,639
20 seconds.
Start the clock right now."
640
00:23:53,183 --> 00:23:55,935
Crazy Horse.
641
00:23:55,977 --> 00:23:57,580
You know, man, my dad
is such a character.
642
00:23:57,604 --> 00:23:59,373
Like, when I think about
my dad and my brother,
643
00:23:59,397 --> 00:24:00,624
the thing that I've realized now
644
00:24:00,648 --> 00:24:02,817
is that we represent
one generation, right?
645
00:24:02,859 --> 00:24:05,278
We're a generation
of men in our family.
646
00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:07,614
And I'm like, damn, now
I got four kids, two sons.
647
00:24:07,655 --> 00:24:09,783
Holy shit.
That's the next generation.
648
00:24:09,824 --> 00:24:11,802
Had to give myself a reality
check, because I've realized
649
00:24:11,826 --> 00:24:14,537
I don't think I'm doing my job
preparing them
650
00:24:14,579 --> 00:24:16,223
to be a better generation
than what we are.
651
00:24:16,247 --> 00:24:17,916
I'm passing down bad habits.
652
00:24:17,957 --> 00:24:19,417
This is not a hypothetical.
653
00:24:19,459 --> 00:24:21,294
This is a fact.
I know I am.
654
00:24:21,336 --> 00:24:23,713
My bad habits are being
passed down, like my patience.
655
00:24:23,755 --> 00:24:24,964
I don't have patience.
656
00:24:25,006 --> 00:24:26,233
This is one
of my worst qualities.
657
00:24:26,257 --> 00:24:27,276
I get irritated very fast.
658
00:24:27,300 --> 00:24:28,718
Small things make me mad.
659
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:29,969
This is not a joke.
660
00:24:30,011 --> 00:24:31,238
This is an example,
'cause I want you
661
00:24:31,262 --> 00:24:32,138
to understand what I'm saying.
662
00:24:32,180 --> 00:24:33,366
I don't like it when people eat
663
00:24:33,390 --> 00:24:34,516
and sweat at the same time.
664
00:24:34,557 --> 00:24:36,226
I don't fucking like it.
665
00:24:36,267 --> 00:24:37,227
I don't fucking like it.
666
00:24:37,268 --> 00:24:38,395
Like, if somebody's eating
667
00:24:38,436 --> 00:24:39,955
and while they eat,
they be like, whew.
668
00:24:39,979 --> 00:24:41,439
I'll punch you
in the fucking face.
669
00:24:41,481 --> 00:24:42,857
If I'm there, I swear to God,
670
00:24:42,899 --> 00:24:44,043
I'll punch you
in the fucking face.
671
00:24:44,067 --> 00:24:46,069
Slow down!
672
00:24:46,111 --> 00:24:47,588
Ain't nobody gonna take
that food from you.
673
00:24:47,612 --> 00:24:48,988
Slow down!
674
00:24:50,657 --> 00:24:51,950
Tell you what else I don't like.
675
00:24:51,991 --> 00:24:53,761
You're not gonna like it,
but I'ma tell you anyway.
676
00:24:53,785 --> 00:24:55,721
I've recently realized
that I don't have any patience
677
00:24:55,745 --> 00:24:56,996
for unattractive people.
678
00:24:57,038 --> 00:24:58,665
There. I said it.
That's how I feel.
679
00:24:59,874 --> 00:25:01,477
I know when you first
hear it, it's a blow.
680
00:25:01,501 --> 00:25:02,961
It's a blow at first.
681
00:25:03,003 --> 00:25:04,462
I ask that you stay with me.
682
00:25:04,504 --> 00:25:06,548
OK?
Stay with me until the end.
683
00:25:06,589 --> 00:25:07,817
I feel like they're very needy.
684
00:25:07,841 --> 00:25:09,884
Unattractive people
are very needy.
685
00:25:09,926 --> 00:25:11,428
They always want something.
686
00:25:11,469 --> 00:25:14,055
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
687
00:25:15,890 --> 00:25:17,767
Excuse me.
You know where I can...
688
00:25:17,809 --> 00:25:20,186
No, I don't.
No.
689
00:25:20,228 --> 00:25:21,938
No. No.
690
00:25:21,980 --> 00:25:23,398
I treat them like fucking cats.
691
00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:24,774
Get your ass out of here.
692
00:25:26,484 --> 00:25:28,695
Get out of here!
You better get!
693
00:25:31,197 --> 00:25:32,699
It's too much.
694
00:25:32,741 --> 00:25:33,867
It's too fucking much.
695
00:25:33,908 --> 00:25:35,011
Let me tell you
where the joke came from
696
00:25:35,035 --> 00:25:36,870
so you don't think
I'm a dick, OK?
697
00:25:36,911 --> 00:25:39,122
I was at the bank, right?
I get done at the bank.
698
00:25:39,164 --> 00:25:40,206
I'm in my car.
699
00:25:40,248 --> 00:25:41,600
I'm about to pull out
the parking lot.
700
00:25:41,624 --> 00:25:43,019
You gotta stop at the little
parking booth, right?
701
00:25:43,043 --> 00:25:44,103
You gotta give the guy
your ticket.
702
00:25:44,127 --> 00:25:45,354
I go to give the guy my ticket.
703
00:25:45,378 --> 00:25:46,897
He slide the glass back,
sticks his head out.
704
00:25:46,921 --> 00:25:49,257
Very unattractive man.
Whatever.
705
00:25:49,299 --> 00:25:51,551
He sees me.
When he saw me, he lost it.
706
00:25:51,593 --> 00:25:52,802
He got excited.
707
00:25:52,844 --> 00:25:54,888
He's like, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.
708
00:25:56,931 --> 00:25:59,934
Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh-uh.
709
00:25:59,976 --> 00:26:02,687
Made that ugly-ass face
right in my fucking face.
710
00:26:03,980 --> 00:26:06,358
Kevin Hart in my bank?
You got to be kidding me.
711
00:26:06,399 --> 00:26:07,877
He said, "I'm not letting you
out of here until you
712
00:26:07,901 --> 00:26:09,486
"tell me why you chose us.
Why us?
713
00:26:09,527 --> 00:26:10,904
"Why you bank with us?
714
00:26:10,945 --> 00:26:14,366
Why'd you choose us
as your financial institution?"
715
00:26:14,407 --> 00:26:15,843
I couldn't believe
what the fuck I heard.
716
00:26:15,867 --> 00:26:18,328
I said, "I don't have time
for this shit.
717
00:26:18,370 --> 00:26:20,210
"Press the button.
Let me the fuck out of here.
718
00:26:20,246 --> 00:26:21,831
I don't have time."
719
00:26:21,873 --> 00:26:24,876
He did it again.
Uh-uh, uh-uh-uh, uh-uh.
720
00:26:25,710 --> 00:26:27,271
"I ain't letting you out of
here till you tell me why us.
721
00:26:27,295 --> 00:26:28,463
"Why'd you choose us?
722
00:26:28,505 --> 00:26:30,674
Why us?
Why'd you choose us?"
723
00:26:30,715 --> 00:26:31,925
Kept saying us.
724
00:26:31,966 --> 00:26:33,194
I told you
I don't have any patience.
725
00:26:33,218 --> 00:26:34,427
I fucking lost it.
I snapped.
726
00:26:34,469 --> 00:26:35,845
I said, "Stop saying us.
727
00:26:35,887 --> 00:26:37,323
"You don't got shit to do
with that goddamn bank.
728
00:26:37,347 --> 00:26:39,808
"This parking lot ain't got
shit to do with that bank.
729
00:26:39,849 --> 00:26:41,101
"Hit the button.
730
00:26:41,142 --> 00:26:43,978
Let me the fuck up
out of here."
731
00:26:44,020 --> 00:26:45,665
This when I got mad.
He looked me dead in the eye.
732
00:26:45,689 --> 00:26:47,148
He said, "I got all day,
Kevin Hart.
733
00:26:47,190 --> 00:26:49,109
All day."
734
00:26:49,150 --> 00:26:51,087
I realized he's not playing.
He's not gonna let me out.
735
00:26:51,111 --> 00:26:52,505
I gotta answer
his fucking question.
736
00:26:52,529 --> 00:26:54,572
"OK, fine, you want to know
why I chose this bank?
737
00:26:54,614 --> 00:26:57,117
"Your customer service,
loan rates, free checking.
738
00:26:57,158 --> 00:26:59,619
There you go. That's why.
That's why I chose y'all."
739
00:26:59,661 --> 00:27:00,787
This is what pissed me off.
740
00:27:00,829 --> 00:27:02,098
He goes, "That's all
you had to say,
741
00:27:02,122 --> 00:27:03,623
with your little ugly ass."
742
00:27:03,665 --> 00:27:05,792
I said, "What'd you just say?
743
00:27:05,834 --> 00:27:06,936
The fuck did you
just say to me?"
744
00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:08,420
"Get your ugly ass
out my line."
745
00:27:10,005 --> 00:27:11,548
He hit the button.
I had to pull off.
746
00:27:13,258 --> 00:27:14,718
Now I'm pissed.
747
00:27:14,759 --> 00:27:15,677
I'm not ugly.
748
00:27:15,719 --> 00:27:17,137
You ugly!
749
00:27:19,264 --> 00:27:20,974
Fucking pissed.
750
00:27:21,016 --> 00:27:24,102
I stopped at Chipotle
two blocks up.
751
00:27:24,144 --> 00:27:25,812
It's a long line in Chipotle.
752
00:27:25,854 --> 00:27:27,022
Now I'm even more irritated.
753
00:27:27,063 --> 00:27:28,398
I'm only in this long-ass line
754
00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:31,484
because of that
unattractive-ass conversation.
755
00:27:31,526 --> 00:27:33,653
While I'm standing in line,
the woman behind me goes,
756
00:27:33,695 --> 00:27:34,654
"Oh, my God,
today's such a nice day.
757
00:27:34,696 --> 00:27:35,822
It's so beautiful outside."
758
00:27:35,864 --> 00:27:37,198
I'm about to fucking snap.
759
00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:38,324
I'ma lose it.
760
00:27:38,366 --> 00:27:39,784
I'ma fucking snap.
I'ma turn around.
761
00:27:39,826 --> 00:27:40,970
I'ma let this goddamn woman
have it.
762
00:27:40,994 --> 00:27:42,287
I turn around.
I see her.
763
00:27:42,328 --> 00:27:44,205
This is by far one
of the most attractive women
764
00:27:44,247 --> 00:27:45,391
I've ever seen
in my fucking life.
765
00:27:45,415 --> 00:27:47,095
She was gorgeous.
Immediately, instantly...
766
00:27:48,668 --> 00:27:50,670
I had time.
I had fucking time.
767
00:27:50,712 --> 00:27:52,297
I said, "You know what?
768
00:27:52,339 --> 00:27:54,466
It is a nice day.
It's so nice outside."
769
00:27:55,884 --> 00:27:56,944
I turned into
a fucking weatherman.
770
00:27:56,968 --> 00:27:58,219
I said, "What we need is rain.
771
00:27:58,261 --> 00:28:00,764
We ain't had no rain
in a minute."
772
00:28:00,805 --> 00:28:02,366
She said, "I wasn't even
talking to you."
773
00:28:02,390 --> 00:28:04,517
Turned her back on me.
774
00:28:04,559 --> 00:28:06,186
What the fuck?
775
00:28:06,227 --> 00:28:08,438
Oh, no. No.
That is not acceptable.
776
00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:11,107
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
777
00:28:11,149 --> 00:28:13,777
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
778
00:28:13,818 --> 00:28:16,071
She turned around.
"What?"
779
00:28:16,112 --> 00:28:18,656
Aha!
780
00:28:18,698 --> 00:28:20,241
Ah.
781
00:28:23,828 --> 00:28:25,413
Ah.
782
00:28:27,957 --> 00:28:30,126
I just want...
783
00:28:30,168 --> 00:28:32,212
"I just want to know
what made you choose Chipotle
784
00:28:32,253 --> 00:28:34,422
as your place for lunch today."
785
00:28:36,049 --> 00:28:37,234
She said,
"I'm not telling you that."
786
00:28:37,258 --> 00:28:39,719
I said, "Uh-uh, uh-uh,
uh-uh-uh."
787
00:28:39,761 --> 00:28:44,057
I was the unattractive person
in that conversation.
788
00:28:44,099 --> 00:28:45,284
Guy flipped it on me that fast.
789
00:28:45,308 --> 00:28:46,494
Let me tell you
something, people.
790
00:28:46,518 --> 00:28:48,061
No matter how good
you think you look,
791
00:28:48,103 --> 00:28:51,231
I promise you that you don't
look that fucking good.
792
00:28:51,272 --> 00:28:53,191
I promise you
something will happen
793
00:28:53,233 --> 00:28:56,152
in life to show you that you
don't look that fucking good.
794
00:28:56,194 --> 00:28:58,113
My wife gave me a reality check.
795
00:28:58,154 --> 00:29:00,115
We was in the bed, watching TV.
796
00:29:00,156 --> 00:29:01,908
Commercial came on
with the little monster
797
00:29:01,950 --> 00:29:03,094
from "Lord of the Rings,"
Smeagol.
798
00:29:03,118 --> 00:29:04,494
I think that's his name.
799
00:29:04,536 --> 00:29:05,888
Smeagol, he was doing
this shit right here.
800
00:29:05,912 --> 00:29:07,247
You know the little monster?
801
00:29:07,288 --> 00:29:08,724
That's what he did.
He was doing this shit.
802
00:29:08,748 --> 00:29:10,917
My wife said, "Oh, my God,
babe, you be doing that."
803
00:29:10,959 --> 00:29:14,004
I said, "Bitch,
what did you just say to me?
804
00:29:14,045 --> 00:29:15,380
The fuck did you just say?"
805
00:29:15,422 --> 00:29:17,090
"You be doing that
in the mornings."
806
00:29:17,132 --> 00:29:18,925
"Bitch, I ain't never did
no shit like that
807
00:29:18,967 --> 00:29:20,760
in my goddamn life!"
808
00:29:21,594 --> 00:29:24,472
Called me a fucking monster
to my goddamn face.
809
00:29:26,391 --> 00:29:29,477
Self-esteem was fucking dead
after that.
810
00:29:29,519 --> 00:29:31,563
Crushed my soul.
811
00:29:31,604 --> 00:29:34,441
I'll tell you what really
destroyed my self-esteem,
812
00:29:34,482 --> 00:29:36,276
what destroyed it.
813
00:29:36,317 --> 00:29:39,279
Fan art.
814
00:29:39,320 --> 00:29:40,572
That's right.
815
00:29:40,613 --> 00:29:42,032
Fan art.
816
00:29:42,073 --> 00:29:44,784
The pictures that you
are drawing of me
817
00:29:44,826 --> 00:29:47,662
and have given to me in person.
818
00:29:47,704 --> 00:29:49,789
The nerve of some of you.
819
00:29:49,831 --> 00:29:52,083
Like, listen, I... fuck you.
820
00:29:52,125 --> 00:29:54,461
And I mean that.
Like, I stand on that.
821
00:29:54,502 --> 00:29:57,839
Fuck you,
acting like these pictures
822
00:29:57,881 --> 00:29:59,507
come from a place of love.
823
00:29:59,549 --> 00:30:02,010
It's got to be... it's the most
irritating shit in the world.
824
00:30:02,052 --> 00:30:03,571
You think... let me
show you something.
825
00:30:03,595 --> 00:30:05,239
Put one of them pictures up.
Look at this shit.
826
00:30:05,263 --> 00:30:07,140
Look.
Look at this.
827
00:30:07,182 --> 00:30:08,409
These are real pictures,
by the way.
828
00:30:08,433 --> 00:30:10,185
These are real fucking pictures.
829
00:30:10,226 --> 00:30:11,686
Look at my goddamn mouth.
830
00:30:11,728 --> 00:30:13,021
When did I have a stroke?
831
00:30:13,063 --> 00:30:15,273
Does anybody know
when I had a stroke?
832
00:30:15,315 --> 00:30:17,108
Show another one.
Show another... look.
833
00:30:17,150 --> 00:30:18,610
Look at this shit.
834
00:30:18,651 --> 00:30:21,029
Look at this shit.
Now I'm Frankenstein, huh?
835
00:30:21,071 --> 00:30:22,614
I'm fucking Frankenstein?
836
00:30:22,655 --> 00:30:23,907
Look at my fucking forehead.
837
00:30:23,948 --> 00:30:25,408
Goddamn.
838
00:30:25,450 --> 00:30:27,369
What the fuck?
Look at the next one.
839
00:30:27,410 --> 00:30:28,745
What color am I?
840
00:30:28,787 --> 00:30:30,538
What the fuck color am I?
841
00:30:32,374 --> 00:30:33,458
Cut it off.
842
00:30:33,500 --> 00:30:35,043
I mean, it's just...
It's so much, man.
843
00:30:35,085 --> 00:30:36,294
I'ma tell you who drew, like,
844
00:30:36,336 --> 00:30:37,396
one of the worst pieces
of fan art.
845
00:30:37,420 --> 00:30:38,421
You should know.
846
00:30:38,463 --> 00:30:39,464
Who do you think gave me
847
00:30:39,506 --> 00:30:40,524
one of the worst pieces
of fan art
848
00:30:40,548 --> 00:30:41,424
that I've ever seen?
849
00:30:41,466 --> 00:30:43,802
Think.
850
00:30:43,843 --> 00:30:45,762
No.
No.
851
00:30:45,804 --> 00:30:47,013
Crazy Horse.
852
00:30:47,055 --> 00:30:50,183
Crazy Horse gave me
a picture so bad.
853
00:30:50,225 --> 00:30:52,143
This bitch left
my goddamn body out.
854
00:30:52,185 --> 00:30:54,145
He drew my face and my neck
855
00:30:54,187 --> 00:30:56,189
and then put a boot
underneath it.
856
00:30:56,231 --> 00:30:58,233
Look... look... look at this.
857
00:30:58,274 --> 00:31:00,068
Where the fuck is my body at,
Crazy Horse?
858
00:31:00,110 --> 00:31:02,445
He said,
"You live in the boot."
859
00:31:02,487 --> 00:31:03,613
He took off.
860
00:31:03,655 --> 00:31:05,865
I couldn't catch him.
861
00:31:05,907 --> 00:31:07,117
Son of a bitch.
862
00:31:08,743 --> 00:31:10,245
I'm trying to do things
that actually
863
00:31:10,286 --> 00:31:12,622
work on my levels of patience.
864
00:31:12,664 --> 00:31:14,916
I'm trying to do things
that allow me
865
00:31:14,958 --> 00:31:16,918
time to think for me, right,
866
00:31:16,960 --> 00:31:18,670
like stepping away
from the pack,
867
00:31:18,712 --> 00:31:19,963
giving myself some me time.
868
00:31:20,005 --> 00:31:21,440
I recommend you guys
do it too, right?
869
00:31:21,464 --> 00:31:23,109
Step away from the pack
every once in a while.
870
00:31:23,133 --> 00:31:25,552
Go do some shit for you,
an activity for you.
871
00:31:25,593 --> 00:31:27,137
It's a good stress reliever.
It is.
872
00:31:27,178 --> 00:31:28,471
It really is.
873
00:31:29,723 --> 00:31:30,825
One thing I used to do,
I used to play
874
00:31:30,849 --> 00:31:32,225
a lot of basketball, right?
875
00:31:32,267 --> 00:31:34,769
I would go up to gyms
and just do open runs.
876
00:31:34,811 --> 00:31:36,271
I had to stop going to one gym
877
00:31:36,312 --> 00:31:38,523
because they turned it
into a picture fest.
878
00:31:38,565 --> 00:31:39,959
Everybody wanted
to take fucking pictures.
879
00:31:39,983 --> 00:31:41,085
I ain't here to take pictures.
880
00:31:41,109 --> 00:31:42,193
I'm here to play ball.
881
00:31:42,235 --> 00:31:43,945
I'm not coming back to this gym.
882
00:31:43,987 --> 00:31:45,572
I'll go find another gym,
where they do
883
00:31:45,613 --> 00:31:47,741
three-on-three basketball
Tuesdays and Thursdays,
884
00:31:47,782 --> 00:31:48,992
6:00 a.m. to 8:00 a.m.
885
00:31:49,034 --> 00:31:50,594
It's much better.
This where I need to be.
886
00:31:50,618 --> 00:31:51,703
It's more intimate.
887
00:31:51,745 --> 00:31:52,763
Keep in mind,
when I play basketball,
888
00:31:52,787 --> 00:31:54,039
I talk a lot of shit.
889
00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:55,623
Fuck outta here, bitch, ah.
890
00:31:56,958 --> 00:31:58,418
You're too small.
891
00:31:58,460 --> 00:32:00,146
I'll put you in my back pocket,
with your little ass.
892
00:32:00,170 --> 00:32:01,212
You're too fucking small.
893
00:32:01,254 --> 00:32:03,006
Put you right in my back pocket.
894
00:32:03,048 --> 00:32:04,049
I'm about to get buckets.
895
00:32:04,090 --> 00:32:05,133
It's time to eat.
896
00:32:05,175 --> 00:32:06,968
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
897
00:32:08,470 --> 00:32:10,281
Keep in mind, when I talk shit,
I don't like it
898
00:32:10,305 --> 00:32:11,639
when you don't talk shit back.
899
00:32:11,681 --> 00:32:13,284
You messing up the competitive
nature in the game.
900
00:32:13,308 --> 00:32:15,393
If I talk shit, talk shit back.
901
00:32:15,435 --> 00:32:16,704
We playing three-on-three
basketball.
902
00:32:16,728 --> 00:32:18,331
They treating it like
it's the goddamn NBA.
903
00:32:18,355 --> 00:32:20,648
Calling plays,
setting picks and shit.
904
00:32:20,690 --> 00:32:22,108
It was too much.
We lost.
905
00:32:22,150 --> 00:32:25,236
I quit.
I'm not playing anymore.
906
00:32:25,278 --> 00:32:26,922
I walked out.
There was a sign in the lobby.
907
00:32:26,946 --> 00:32:28,740
The sign in the lobby said,
"Deaf run
908
00:32:28,782 --> 00:32:31,117
Tuesdays and Thursdays,
6:00 a.m. to 8:00 a.m."
909
00:32:31,159 --> 00:32:32,786
Yeah, they were deaf.
910
00:32:32,827 --> 00:32:33,787
They didn't hear shit I said.
911
00:32:33,828 --> 00:32:35,663
Now... no, they didn't.
912
00:32:35,705 --> 00:32:37,540
They weren't calling plays.
913
00:32:37,582 --> 00:32:38,541
They were communicating.
914
00:32:38,583 --> 00:32:39,727
They were talking
to one another.
915
00:32:39,751 --> 00:32:42,045
Now, this isn't a joke
about deaf people.
916
00:32:42,087 --> 00:32:43,189
That's not what
the joke is about.
917
00:32:43,213 --> 00:32:44,464
It's about what I looked like.
918
00:32:44,506 --> 00:32:47,300
What the fuck did I
look like back there?
919
00:32:47,342 --> 00:32:48,444
'Cause I know what I was saying.
920
00:32:48,468 --> 00:32:51,304
I'm talking shit.
"Yeah, bitch.
921
00:32:52,514 --> 00:32:54,641
"Yeah, bitch.
Yeah. You're too small.
922
00:32:54,683 --> 00:32:56,911
"Put you in my fucking back
pocket, with your little ass.
923
00:32:56,935 --> 00:32:58,061
"Yeah.
Come on, bitch.
924
00:32:59,604 --> 00:33:01,165
"I'm about to get buckets
of barbecue chicken.
925
00:33:01,189 --> 00:33:03,400
Mmm, mmm, mmm."
That's what I said.
926
00:33:04,150 --> 00:33:07,320
What does that look like
without the volume, hmm?
927
00:33:07,362 --> 00:33:09,531
What does it look like
without the volume?
928
00:33:34,889 --> 00:33:36,325
I just told that man
that I want to eat his ass.
929
00:33:36,349 --> 00:33:38,351
That's what I just said.
930
00:33:38,393 --> 00:33:39,453
I don't want to eat your ass.
931
00:33:39,477 --> 00:33:41,271
That's barbecue chicken, bitch.
932
00:33:41,312 --> 00:33:42,480
Barbecue chicken.
933
00:33:42,522 --> 00:33:44,274
I'm not trying to eat your ass.
934
00:33:46,234 --> 00:33:48,236
Had to leave a note, apologize.
935
00:33:50,238 --> 00:33:52,449
I am working on my shit, man.
936
00:33:52,490 --> 00:33:54,218
Certain things I just can't do
anymore, not like I used to.
937
00:33:54,242 --> 00:33:55,368
I stopped drinking.
938
00:33:55,410 --> 00:33:56,911
I don't drink
as much as I used to.
939
00:33:56,953 --> 00:33:58,264
Not because I had a problem,
just 'cause I'm getting older.
940
00:33:58,288 --> 00:33:59,497
I still drink.
941
00:33:59,539 --> 00:34:00,623
I love to drink.
942
00:34:00,665 --> 00:34:02,018
I have a fucking tequila,
Gran Coramino.
943
00:34:02,042 --> 00:34:04,377
You guys should know
that I love to fucking drink.
944
00:34:04,419 --> 00:34:06,019
That Mino Lino.
You need it in your life.
945
00:34:06,046 --> 00:34:07,213
Trust me.
946
00:34:07,255 --> 00:34:08,649
I just can't drink
the way I used to.
947
00:34:08,673 --> 00:34:11,676
When I was 22, 23 years old,
I'd take shots for days.
948
00:34:11,718 --> 00:34:13,345
Bow, bow, bow.
949
00:34:13,386 --> 00:34:15,430
Dance afterwards.
Yeah, bitch, uh.
950
00:34:17,057 --> 00:34:19,726
43 is different.
951
00:34:19,768 --> 00:34:21,353
It's different at 43.
952
00:34:21,394 --> 00:34:23,438
One shot.
Bow.
953
00:34:26,941 --> 00:34:30,570
Some...
954
00:34:30,612 --> 00:34:32,739
Somebody put something
in my drink.
955
00:34:34,115 --> 00:34:37,577
Somebody trying to do something
to me here tonight.
956
00:34:38,953 --> 00:34:40,080
I'm a blackout drunk too.
957
00:34:40,121 --> 00:34:41,414
I'll black out.
958
00:34:41,456 --> 00:34:43,583
In a heartbeat,
I'll black the fuck out.
959
00:34:43,625 --> 00:34:45,418
Mid-conversation.
960
00:34:45,460 --> 00:34:47,462
What we doing?
We going... we going club...
961
00:34:47,504 --> 00:34:49,565
Hey, we go... everybody...
Everybody go club... we all...
962
00:34:49,589 --> 00:34:50,799
I'm out.
963
00:34:52,050 --> 00:34:53,385
It's a wrap.
964
00:34:53,426 --> 00:34:54,928
I don't like my friends.
965
00:34:54,969 --> 00:34:57,472
These son of a bitches never
take me home when I black out.
966
00:34:57,514 --> 00:35:01,351
They just prop me up in the
corner, keep the party going.
967
00:35:01,393 --> 00:35:03,144
'Cause they need my face
to get into places.
968
00:35:03,186 --> 00:35:05,605
They need my fucking face.
969
00:35:05,647 --> 00:35:07,583
They treat me like Bernie
from "Weekend at Bernie's."
970
00:35:07,607 --> 00:35:11,152
They just keep showing
my face at the door.
971
00:35:13,988 --> 00:35:14,948
Get in there, Kev.
972
00:35:14,989 --> 00:35:15,949
Bitch, I'm dead.
973
00:35:15,990 --> 00:35:17,701
Check my pulse.
974
00:35:20,995 --> 00:35:22,580
My friends are hilarious, man.
975
00:35:22,622 --> 00:35:24,791
I recently had to have
a conversation with my friends.
976
00:35:24,833 --> 00:35:26,102
Had a big conversation
with them.
977
00:35:26,126 --> 00:35:27,395
Had to explain to my friends
that I'm no longer
978
00:35:27,419 --> 00:35:28,795
the friend of old.
979
00:35:28,837 --> 00:35:31,172
I'm no longer the all-for-one,
one-for-all friend.
980
00:35:31,214 --> 00:35:32,942
I'm no longer the "we ride
together, we die together."
981
00:35:32,966 --> 00:35:35,552
I'm no longer the "if one
go down, we all go down."
982
00:35:35,593 --> 00:35:37,804
I'm no longer that friend.
983
00:35:37,846 --> 00:35:39,514
43 years old,
I'm at a point in my life
984
00:35:39,556 --> 00:35:42,267
where I'm not choosing to deal
with the world of bullshit
985
00:35:42,308 --> 00:35:43,369
that comes with my friends.
986
00:35:43,393 --> 00:35:45,020
I no longer want your bullshit.
987
00:35:45,061 --> 00:35:46,312
I'm not embracing it anymore.
988
00:35:46,354 --> 00:35:47,605
I'm at a point in my life...
989
00:35:47,647 --> 00:35:50,066
I'm very serious, very serious.
990
00:35:50,108 --> 00:35:52,444
I'm at a point in my life
where I'll tell on you.
991
00:35:52,485 --> 00:35:54,154
I'll fucking tell.
I told them.
992
00:35:54,195 --> 00:35:55,613
That's where I'm at.
993
00:35:55,655 --> 00:35:57,383
You do something
around me that involves the law
994
00:35:57,407 --> 00:35:59,701
in any way, shape, or form,
I'll fucking tell.
995
00:35:59,743 --> 00:36:00,910
I'll tell.
996
00:36:00,952 --> 00:36:03,329
It doesn't make me
a snitch or a bitch.
997
00:36:03,371 --> 00:36:04,873
You know why?
You know why?
998
00:36:04,914 --> 00:36:07,375
'Cause I'm telling you ahead
of time what the fuck I'll do.
999
00:36:07,417 --> 00:36:08,853
That means I'm giving you
an opportunity
1000
00:36:08,877 --> 00:36:10,337
to make better decisions
around me
1001
00:36:10,378 --> 00:36:11,647
so that I don't have
to tell on you.
1002
00:36:11,671 --> 00:36:14,341
I don't want to have
to fucking tell on you.
1003
00:36:14,382 --> 00:36:15,633
They thought I was lying.
1004
00:36:15,675 --> 00:36:17,135
I wasn't.
1005
00:36:17,177 --> 00:36:18,511
We went to Mexico.
1006
00:36:18,553 --> 00:36:20,680
Keep in mind, we fly private,
right?
1007
00:36:20,722 --> 00:36:21,931
We go to Mexico.
1008
00:36:21,973 --> 00:36:23,183
We're on the plane.
1009
00:36:23,224 --> 00:36:24,535
While we're on the plane,
my friends,
1010
00:36:24,559 --> 00:36:26,770
they love to bring weed,
love the flower weed.
1011
00:36:26,811 --> 00:36:27,812
Go right ahead.
1012
00:36:27,854 --> 00:36:28,956
Bring all the fucking weed
you want.
1013
00:36:28,980 --> 00:36:31,232
It's all fun and games
until it's not.
1014
00:36:32,567 --> 00:36:33,902
I said, I don't
want to hear shit
1015
00:36:33,943 --> 00:36:36,196
when we land and them little
Mexican dogs get active,
1016
00:36:36,237 --> 00:36:38,073
start sniffing your bags.
1017
00:36:38,114 --> 00:36:39,717
I don't want to see you
looking up like you
1018
00:36:39,741 --> 00:36:41,052
don't know what the fuck
they smell,
1019
00:36:41,076 --> 00:36:42,202
'cause guess what I'ma do.
1020
00:36:42,243 --> 00:36:43,328
Guess what I'ma do.
1021
00:36:43,370 --> 00:36:44,371
I'ma solve the case.
1022
00:36:44,412 --> 00:36:46,122
That's what I'ma do.
1023
00:36:46,164 --> 00:36:47,874
I'ma solve the goddamn case.
1024
00:36:47,916 --> 00:36:49,209
Oh!
1025
00:36:49,250 --> 00:36:50,585
That dog found it, Officer.
1026
00:36:50,627 --> 00:36:52,879
That dog got it right there.
1027
00:36:52,921 --> 00:36:55,423
Mark, raise your hand
so they know who bag that is.
1028
00:36:55,465 --> 00:36:57,217
You probably gotta go with them.
1029
00:36:57,258 --> 00:36:58,802
Yeah.
You want him to go with y'all?
1030
00:36:58,843 --> 00:37:02,222
Yep, they said you gotta
go with them, Mark.
1031
00:37:02,263 --> 00:37:04,557
I'ma solve the goddamn case.
1032
00:37:06,351 --> 00:37:07,394
I'll never forget it.
1033
00:37:07,435 --> 00:37:09,145
We're on the plane
going to Mexico.
1034
00:37:09,187 --> 00:37:12,023
First of all, it's always
the person with the drugs
1035
00:37:12,065 --> 00:37:13,900
that's got the worst ideas
in the world.
1036
00:37:13,942 --> 00:37:15,151
Always.
1037
00:37:15,193 --> 00:37:16,945
That's Joey's stupid ass.
1038
00:37:16,986 --> 00:37:18,947
Keep using the word "we."
1039
00:37:18,988 --> 00:37:20,156
"This what we gonna do.
1040
00:37:20,198 --> 00:37:22,075
"This how we gonna make it work.
1041
00:37:22,117 --> 00:37:23,576
"When we get off
the plane, look.
1042
00:37:23,618 --> 00:37:25,262
"If they want to go through
your bags, all you gotta do
1043
00:37:25,286 --> 00:37:26,663
"is grab the bag
without the drugs.
1044
00:37:26,705 --> 00:37:28,432
"If they don't, then grab
the bag with the drugs.
1045
00:37:28,456 --> 00:37:29,600
"That's how we get
the drugs through.
1046
00:37:29,624 --> 00:37:31,167
We alternate it like that."
1047
00:37:31,209 --> 00:37:33,336
Everybody on the plane
was like, "Bet, dope, yeah.
1048
00:37:33,378 --> 00:37:34,921
Let's do it."
1049
00:37:34,963 --> 00:37:37,590
I said, "That don't work for
me. I don't like that plan.
1050
00:37:37,632 --> 00:37:39,110
"I don't fucking like it.
My name on my bag.
1051
00:37:39,134 --> 00:37:40,135
"Don't touch my bag.
1052
00:37:40,176 --> 00:37:41,195
"You touch my bag, I'll tell.
1053
00:37:41,219 --> 00:37:42,387
I'll fucking tell."
1054
00:37:43,972 --> 00:37:45,598
I'll never forget it.
This a true story.
1055
00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:47,517
We're landing in Mexico.
Plane go down.
1056
00:37:50,103 --> 00:37:51,998
I look out the window, looked
like an episode of "Narcos."
1057
00:37:52,022 --> 00:37:54,941
I've never seen more Mexican
officers in my goddamn life.
1058
00:37:54,983 --> 00:37:56,693
They standing there.
They got the dogs.
1059
00:37:56,735 --> 00:38:01,072
I've never seen dogs look
through the window of a plane.
1060
00:38:01,114 --> 00:38:03,616
The dogs.
1061
00:38:03,658 --> 00:38:05,410
When I saw that,
When I saw the dogs,
1062
00:38:05,452 --> 00:38:08,204
I said, "Oh, boy.
1063
00:38:08,246 --> 00:38:12,042
"Y'all going to jail.
Y'all going to fucking jail.
1064
00:38:12,083 --> 00:38:14,794
They smell it.
The dogs smell it already."
1065
00:38:16,379 --> 00:38:19,424
Little Mexican man comes on the
plane after the door go down.
1066
00:38:19,466 --> 00:38:20,884
He starts speaking Spanish.
1067
00:38:20,925 --> 00:38:22,594
Keep in mind,
I don't know Spanish.
1068
00:38:22,635 --> 00:38:24,721
I know a couple words,
and I know the rhythm.
1069
00:38:24,763 --> 00:38:26,890
I know the rhythm of Spanish.
1070
00:38:26,931 --> 00:38:30,060
For the purpose of this joke,
I'ma hit you with the rhythm.
1071
00:38:30,101 --> 00:38:31,912
The reason why is because
I want you to feel like
1072
00:38:31,936 --> 00:38:32,771
you were there.
1073
00:38:32,812 --> 00:38:35,357
I'm telling you ahead of time
1074
00:38:35,398 --> 00:38:38,485
these are not real words, OK?
1075
00:38:38,526 --> 00:38:39,861
They're not real words.
1076
00:38:39,903 --> 00:38:43,073
It's gonna sound like it,
but it's just a rhythm.
1077
00:38:43,114 --> 00:38:44,324
But don't make me laugh,
1078
00:38:44,366 --> 00:38:45,509
'cause I gotta stay
in the character.
1079
00:38:45,533 --> 00:38:47,118
Don't make me fucking laugh.
1080
00:38:52,082 --> 00:38:53,541
So he started off...
1081
00:38:53,583 --> 00:38:55,377
He started off calm
and then escalated.
1082
00:38:55,418 --> 00:38:57,462
This is exactly what he did, OK?
1083
00:39:08,264 --> 00:39:11,142
Dónde, hmm?
1084
00:39:11,184 --> 00:39:13,103
Hmm?
1085
00:39:13,144 --> 00:39:16,231
Dónde... dónde... dónde está?
1086
00:39:16,272 --> 00:39:17,941
Hmm?
1087
00:39:38,795 --> 00:39:39,963
He looking right at me.
1088
00:39:40,005 --> 00:39:41,065
He looking me dead
in the fucking eye.
1089
00:39:41,089 --> 00:39:43,341
He go, "Qué?
1090
00:39:43,383 --> 00:39:45,135
Qué?"
1091
00:39:45,176 --> 00:39:47,554
I don't know what the fuck
"qué" mean,
1092
00:39:47,595 --> 00:39:48,722
but he want an answer.
1093
00:39:48,763 --> 00:39:49,907
He looking right at me.
I panicked.
1094
00:39:49,931 --> 00:39:51,433
I didn't know
what to fucking do.
1095
00:39:51,474 --> 00:39:53,018
I panicked.
I said, "Queso."
1096
00:39:53,059 --> 00:39:56,855
I just said it.
I said, "Queso."
1097
00:39:56,896 --> 00:39:58,857
I thought about the cheese,
queso cheese.
1098
00:39:58,898 --> 00:40:01,067
I don't know what the fuck.
1099
00:40:01,109 --> 00:40:02,610
"Queso."
1100
00:40:03,945 --> 00:40:05,613
He thought I was being
a smart-ass.
1101
00:40:05,655 --> 00:40:07,866
He said, "Oh."
1102
00:40:10,285 --> 00:40:13,079
"Queso, ah.
1103
00:40:13,121 --> 00:40:14,289
Hmm."
1104
00:40:16,916 --> 00:40:18,793
You ever hear Spanish people
talk real fast
1105
00:40:18,835 --> 00:40:22,047
and it just sound like
a bunch of clicks?
1106
00:40:22,088 --> 00:40:23,131
This is what he said.
1107
00:40:45,153 --> 00:40:46,738
Fuck.
1108
00:40:46,780 --> 00:40:48,007
This is it.
This is my nightmare.
1109
00:40:48,031 --> 00:40:48,990
We going to jail.
1110
00:40:49,032 --> 00:40:51,451
I get up.
Ah!
1111
00:40:51,493 --> 00:40:52,452
I got my hands up.
1112
00:40:52,494 --> 00:40:54,120
I'm cooperating.
1113
00:40:54,162 --> 00:40:55,413
We get off the plane.
1114
00:40:55,455 --> 00:40:56,557
They got a security booth
right there.
1115
00:40:56,581 --> 00:40:58,124
You gotta get in the booth
one by one.
1116
00:40:58,166 --> 00:40:59,852
When you get in the booth,
you gotta press a button.
1117
00:40:59,876 --> 00:41:02,545
When you press the button,
it go red light or green light.
1118
00:41:02,587 --> 00:41:03,814
Let me tell you something
right now.
1119
00:41:03,838 --> 00:41:06,424
If you press that button
and you get a red light,
1120
00:41:06,466 --> 00:41:08,051
ho, you can cancel Christmas.
1121
00:41:08,093 --> 00:41:09,135
It's over for you.
1122
00:41:09,177 --> 00:41:10,345
You hear me?
1123
00:41:10,387 --> 00:41:12,305
It's over for you.
1124
00:41:12,347 --> 00:41:14,557
They get dark as fuck
when you press that button
1125
00:41:14,599 --> 00:41:16,309
and it's red.
1126
00:41:21,231 --> 00:41:22,416
You press the button
and it's green,
1127
00:41:22,440 --> 00:41:24,067
they're a different person.
1128
00:41:24,109 --> 00:41:27,070
"Qué pasa?"
1129
00:41:27,112 --> 00:41:29,030
Put a fucking hat on you,
start dancing.
1130
00:41:31,658 --> 00:41:33,177
You don't want to dance,
but you're scared,
1131
00:41:33,201 --> 00:41:35,245
so you do it anyway, ah.
1132
00:41:36,746 --> 00:41:38,665
Please don't kill me.
1133
00:41:40,041 --> 00:41:41,126
I'm first.
1134
00:41:41,167 --> 00:41:42,353
I gotta press
the fucking button.
1135
00:41:42,377 --> 00:41:43,377
He looking right at me.
1136
00:42:01,813 --> 00:42:03,231
I almost said...
1137
00:42:05,150 --> 00:42:07,068
I almost said,
"They got drugs."
1138
00:42:07,110 --> 00:42:08,820
I swear to God.
1139
00:42:08,862 --> 00:42:10,589
I was fucking nervous.
My stomach was bubbling.
1140
00:42:10,613 --> 00:42:13,241
My ass was wet.
I was farting.
1141
00:42:13,283 --> 00:42:14,242
It was too much.
1142
00:42:14,284 --> 00:42:15,744
I was nervous.
1143
00:42:25,045 --> 00:42:26,546
I hit that bitch.
Bow.
1144
00:42:26,588 --> 00:42:29,257
Backed up, looked up like
it was the "Wheel of Fortune."
1145
00:42:29,299 --> 00:42:31,926
It said red, green,
1146
00:42:31,968 --> 00:42:35,388
red, green, red, green.
1147
00:42:35,430 --> 00:42:36,681
It stopped on green.
1148
00:42:36,723 --> 00:42:37,783
Let me tell you
how childish I am.
1149
00:42:37,807 --> 00:42:39,601
When it stopped
on green, I went.
1150
00:42:39,642 --> 00:42:41,478
I grabbed my bag.
I didn't look at nobody.
1151
00:42:41,519 --> 00:42:44,522
I just walked off the tarmac.
1152
00:42:44,564 --> 00:42:47,150
I walked the fuck
off the tarmac.
1153
00:42:47,192 --> 00:42:48,902
I saved myself.
1154
00:42:49,944 --> 00:42:51,321
I could hear my friends.
1155
00:42:51,363 --> 00:42:53,365
They was like, "Kev,
grab the bag with the drugs.
1156
00:42:53,406 --> 00:42:55,116
"Get the bag with the drugs.
1157
00:42:55,158 --> 00:42:56,409
"Get the bag with the drugs.
1158
00:42:56,451 --> 00:42:57,911
Get the bag with the drugs."
1159
00:42:57,952 --> 00:43:01,247
I said, "No hable ingles."
1160
00:43:02,791 --> 00:43:07,212
"No hable ingles.
1161
00:43:07,253 --> 00:43:09,422
"Y'all going to jail.
1162
00:43:09,464 --> 00:43:10,965
Jail-io, all y'all."
1163
00:43:12,967 --> 00:43:14,177
"I'm going to the resort.
1164
00:43:14,219 --> 00:43:16,638
"Maybe I'll see you there.
Maybe I won't.
1165
00:43:16,680 --> 00:43:19,474
I didn't bring the drugs.
You did."
1166
00:43:19,516 --> 00:43:22,310
That's what I did.
I went to the fucking resort.
1167
00:43:22,352 --> 00:43:25,105
I was at that bitch
for two hours by myself.
1168
00:43:25,146 --> 00:43:26,606
At that point, I just figured.
1169
00:43:26,648 --> 00:43:27,833
You know, I guess
it is what it is.
1170
00:43:27,857 --> 00:43:30,276
I don't know.
1171
00:43:30,318 --> 00:43:32,570
They all got there in, like,
two hours and 30 minutes.
1172
00:43:32,612 --> 00:43:33,780
Nobody went to jail.
1173
00:43:33,822 --> 00:43:35,824
Everybody made it through.
1174
00:43:35,865 --> 00:43:36,884
Here's why I gotta
do better as a friend,
1175
00:43:36,908 --> 00:43:38,284
'cause I'm the first one.
1176
00:43:38,326 --> 00:43:40,704
I'm the first person
after everybody gets settled.
1177
00:43:40,745 --> 00:43:41,847
Everybody gets situated,
settled,
1178
00:43:41,871 --> 00:43:43,248
and everybody's relaxed.
1179
00:43:43,289 --> 00:43:44,416
I'm the first one to go,
1180
00:43:44,457 --> 00:43:45,583
"Yo.
1181
00:43:45,625 --> 00:43:48,003
"Hey.
1182
00:43:48,044 --> 00:43:49,129
"Look.
1183
00:43:49,170 --> 00:43:51,047
"Yo.
1184
00:43:51,089 --> 00:43:53,591
"Let me...
1185
00:43:53,633 --> 00:43:54,819
"Let me get a little bit
of that weed.
1186
00:43:54,843 --> 00:43:56,177
Where the weed at?"
1187
00:43:57,887 --> 00:44:01,474
"We did it!
1188
00:44:01,516 --> 00:44:04,102
"We made it through, man.
1189
00:44:04,144 --> 00:44:07,522
Teamwork made
the dream work, baby."
1190
00:44:07,564 --> 00:44:08,690
"Shut the fuck up, Kev."
1191
00:44:08,732 --> 00:44:10,233
"All right, I understand."
1192
00:44:12,027 --> 00:44:14,279
My friends are special.
1193
00:44:14,320 --> 00:44:16,781
I got a good group, man.
I got a real good group.
1194
00:44:16,823 --> 00:44:18,116
I do.
1195
00:44:18,158 --> 00:44:19,301
Every time that they have had
to be there,
1196
00:44:19,325 --> 00:44:20,535
they've been there.
1197
00:44:20,577 --> 00:44:21,679
My friends have never
not been there for me.
1198
00:44:21,703 --> 00:44:22,871
There's only one time
1199
00:44:22,912 --> 00:44:24,414
where they had to, like,
reel me back,
1200
00:44:24,456 --> 00:44:26,833
where I was in too deep
and they had to, like, grab me
1201
00:44:26,875 --> 00:44:28,585
and make me get ahold of myself.
1202
00:44:28,626 --> 00:44:32,005
This is when social media
in the beginning stages, like,
1203
00:44:32,047 --> 00:44:33,399
was getting out of hand
a little bit,
1204
00:44:33,423 --> 00:44:35,383
when the live feature
had first started.
1205
00:44:35,425 --> 00:44:36,968
You can go live.
1206
00:44:37,010 --> 00:44:38,154
You can click
on somebody's live.
1207
00:44:38,178 --> 00:44:40,305
The whole world
can watch your live.
1208
00:44:40,347 --> 00:44:41,615
Gotta remember,
I got a lot of followers
1209
00:44:41,639 --> 00:44:42,640
on social media.
1210
00:44:42,682 --> 00:44:43,850
200-some million people.
1211
00:44:43,892 --> 00:44:45,143
That shit can go to your head.
1212
00:44:45,185 --> 00:44:46,620
I was treating it
like a fucking weapon.
1213
00:44:46,644 --> 00:44:49,356
I wish you would tell me
you couldn't do something.
1214
00:44:49,397 --> 00:44:50,607
I was snapping,
1215
00:44:50,648 --> 00:44:52,984
showing up in restaurants
with no reservation.
1216
00:44:53,026 --> 00:44:55,236
Kevin Hart.
I need a table for 25.
1217
00:44:55,278 --> 00:44:56,404
Did you call?
1218
00:44:56,446 --> 00:44:57,798
Bitch, you want me
to go live right now?
1219
00:44:57,822 --> 00:45:00,158
Shut this whole
fucking place down.
1220
00:45:00,200 --> 00:45:01,326
Kev, chill.
Shut up, bitch,
1221
00:45:01,368 --> 00:45:02,369
before I go live on you.
1222
00:45:02,410 --> 00:45:03,411
Everybody back up.
1223
00:45:03,453 --> 00:45:04,371
Back the fuck up right now.
1224
00:45:04,412 --> 00:45:05,622
Get back.
1225
00:45:05,663 --> 00:45:07,957
Everybody get the fuck back
before I go live.
1226
00:45:07,999 --> 00:45:10,460
I lost my mind.
1227
00:45:10,502 --> 00:45:12,837
What it was is, social media
was getting so negative.
1228
00:45:12,879 --> 00:45:14,756
It was way too negative.
1229
00:45:14,798 --> 00:45:17,467
I was consuming
too much negativity.
1230
00:45:17,509 --> 00:45:19,070
I'ma tell you the video
that really made me back off
1231
00:45:19,094 --> 00:45:20,720
social media,
made me put it down.
1232
00:45:20,762 --> 00:45:22,573
When you guys leave, I want you
to Google this as well.
1233
00:45:22,597 --> 00:45:24,891
This is Googleable as well.
1234
00:45:24,933 --> 00:45:26,810
It's a video
of a barista arguing
1235
00:45:26,851 --> 00:45:28,228
with a woman in a coffee shop.
1236
00:45:28,269 --> 00:45:29,413
She's arguing with the woman
'cause the woman's
1237
00:45:29,437 --> 00:45:30,438
not wearing a mask.
1238
00:45:30,480 --> 00:45:31,523
Woman without a mask goes,
1239
00:45:31,564 --> 00:45:32,833
"Can I get a little cup
of coffee?"
1240
00:45:32,857 --> 00:45:33,775
Says, "I can't serve you
'cause you're not
1241
00:45:33,817 --> 00:45:34,984
wearing a mask."
1242
00:45:35,026 --> 00:45:36,045
She says,
"I just want a little cup."
1243
00:45:36,069 --> 00:45:37,445
"Don't matter what you want.
1244
00:45:37,487 --> 00:45:38,798
You're not wearing a mask.
I can't give you nothing."
1245
00:45:38,822 --> 00:45:39,924
She said, "Come on,
don't be a bitch."
1246
00:45:39,948 --> 00:45:41,199
"Don't call me a bitch."
1247
00:45:41,241 --> 00:45:42,677
"Well, you being a bitch."
"Fuck you, bitch."
1248
00:45:42,701 --> 00:45:44,035
"Fuck you, bitch."
"Dumb bitch."
1249
00:45:44,077 --> 00:45:45,745
"Stupid bitch."
"Ho bitch."
1250
00:45:45,787 --> 00:45:46,913
"Slut bitch."
1251
00:45:46,955 --> 00:45:48,474
Out of nowhere,
the woman without a mask
1252
00:45:48,498 --> 00:45:50,125
pulls her pants down,
takes a shit,
1253
00:45:50,166 --> 00:45:52,752
starts throwing it
behind the person.
1254
00:45:52,794 --> 00:45:54,254
Yeah. Don't believe me?
Google it.
1255
00:45:54,295 --> 00:45:57,257
Google it
when you fucking leave.
1256
00:45:57,298 --> 00:45:58,967
Now, your reaction
is different from mine.
1257
00:45:59,009 --> 00:46:00,510
I was blown away.
1258
00:46:00,552 --> 00:46:03,054
I was blown away
by this woman's ability
1259
00:46:03,096 --> 00:46:04,973
to shit on command.
1260
00:46:05,015 --> 00:46:07,267
I've never seen
anything like it.
1261
00:46:07,308 --> 00:46:09,978
She didn't shit on the floor
and pick it up and throw it.
1262
00:46:10,020 --> 00:46:11,438
These were individual nuggets.
1263
00:46:11,479 --> 00:46:12,814
Bow!
1264
00:46:13,732 --> 00:46:14,983
Bow!
1265
00:46:15,775 --> 00:46:17,152
Bow!
1266
00:46:17,193 --> 00:46:18,236
Three.
1267
00:46:18,278 --> 00:46:20,447
Three solid rockets
out of the ass.
1268
00:46:21,865 --> 00:46:23,283
You gotta watch
the fucking video.
1269
00:46:23,324 --> 00:46:25,910
In the middle of the video,
a Black girl just run by.
1270
00:46:25,952 --> 00:46:27,954
"They throwing shit in here."
1271
00:46:29,456 --> 00:46:30,874
You can hear her.
1272
00:46:30,915 --> 00:46:34,044
"They don't pay me enough
for this shit."
1273
00:46:34,085 --> 00:46:36,004
You gotta watch
the fucking video.
1274
00:46:37,547 --> 00:46:39,883
Shit that really made me laugh
is the guy taping it,
1275
00:46:39,924 --> 00:46:41,301
'cause he in the corner.
1276
00:46:41,343 --> 00:46:43,345
You can't see him.
This is what he says.
1277
00:46:43,386 --> 00:46:46,931
He goes, "This the best angle
I could get, y'all."
1278
00:46:49,476 --> 00:46:53,063
Who asked for this footage, sir?
1279
00:46:53,104 --> 00:46:55,815
They're throwing shit in there.
1280
00:46:55,857 --> 00:46:57,251
I don't know about y'all,
but if I get hit
1281
00:46:57,275 --> 00:46:59,903
with a piece of shit,
my life is over.
1282
00:46:59,944 --> 00:47:01,863
It's over for me.
1283
00:47:01,905 --> 00:47:04,199
A piece of human shit
1284
00:47:04,240 --> 00:47:07,535
to the temple at 7:00 a.m.?
1285
00:47:07,577 --> 00:47:10,246
Fuck that.
Fuck that.
1286
00:47:10,288 --> 00:47:12,165
Put your dick in my grits.
1287
00:47:12,207 --> 00:47:16,169
I'll take dick in grits all day.
1288
00:47:16,211 --> 00:47:21,049
Slam your dick in my grits,
Mr. Dick Slammer.
1289
00:47:21,091 --> 00:47:22,926
I don't want to get hit
with a piece of shit
1290
00:47:22,967 --> 00:47:25,345
in the goddamn temple.
1291
00:47:25,387 --> 00:47:28,348
You're never gonna
live that down.
1292
00:47:28,390 --> 00:47:31,685
7:00 a.m., you in the best mood
of your fucking life.
1293
00:47:31,726 --> 00:47:33,061
Good morning.
1294
00:47:33,103 --> 00:47:34,562
How y'all doing?
1295
00:47:34,604 --> 00:47:36,314
Hey, Carl, let me get
two vanilla lattes
1296
00:47:36,356 --> 00:47:38,566
and two extra pumps of syrup.
1297
00:47:38,608 --> 00:47:40,026
Yeah.
1298
00:47:40,068 --> 00:47:41,695
You too, man.
I know that's right.
1299
00:47:41,736 --> 00:47:43,863
Yeah.
1300
00:47:43,905 --> 00:47:45,448
The fuck just happened?
1301
00:47:47,742 --> 00:47:49,619
The fuck just happened in here?
1302
00:47:54,582 --> 00:47:56,102
Something just hit me
in the fucking head.
1303
00:47:56,126 --> 00:47:58,211
What the fuck?
1304
00:47:58,253 --> 00:47:59,379
What the fuck is this?
1305
00:47:59,421 --> 00:48:01,464
What the fuck
is going on with this?
1306
00:48:01,506 --> 00:48:02,507
Now, hold on, now.
1307
00:48:02,549 --> 00:48:04,384
Now, hold on.
1308
00:48:04,426 --> 00:48:06,511
This better not be what
the fuck I think it is.
1309
00:48:09,639 --> 00:48:10,807
This is shit.
1310
00:48:10,849 --> 00:48:13,852
Somebody just hit me
with a piece of shit.
1311
00:48:13,893 --> 00:48:15,788
You gotta ask the question
you thought you would never
1312
00:48:15,812 --> 00:48:17,939
ask in your goddamn life.
1313
00:48:17,981 --> 00:48:22,277
Who just threw
that piece of shit at me?
1314
00:48:22,318 --> 00:48:24,571
I want to see everybody hands.
1315
00:48:24,612 --> 00:48:27,741
If I see shit on anybody hands,
I swear to God.
1316
00:48:27,782 --> 00:48:29,909
"Hey, I got grits on my dick.
1317
00:48:29,951 --> 00:48:32,996
"That's as far as I go.
1318
00:48:33,038 --> 00:48:35,248
I ain't that nasty.
That's nasty, now."
1319
00:48:35,290 --> 00:48:36,541
"Throwing shit is disgusting.
1320
00:48:36,583 --> 00:48:38,168
"I'll put my dick
in grits all day.
1321
00:48:38,209 --> 00:48:40,462
That's where I draw the line."
1322
00:48:41,796 --> 00:48:43,089
Social media.
1323
00:48:43,131 --> 00:48:45,008
Social media had me fucked up.
1324
00:48:45,050 --> 00:48:46,426
Social media had me believing
1325
00:48:46,468 --> 00:48:49,346
that I was an activist
for one day.
1326
00:48:49,387 --> 00:48:51,598
For one day I, got caught up.
1327
00:48:51,639 --> 00:48:53,224
I got caught up bad, man.
1328
00:48:53,266 --> 00:48:55,101
This is when the George Floyd
stuff happened.
1329
00:48:55,143 --> 00:48:57,145
Black Lives Matter protests
was going on.
1330
00:48:57,187 --> 00:48:59,439
I was pissed.
I was emotional.
1331
00:48:59,481 --> 00:49:01,232
Went on Twitter,
tweeted some shit.
1332
00:49:01,274 --> 00:49:03,443
Sick of this shit.
1333
00:49:08,573 --> 00:49:10,825
Tweet.
1334
00:49:10,867 --> 00:49:11,951
People start retweeting it.
1335
00:49:11,993 --> 00:49:13,453
Fuck yeah, Kev.
Hell yeah, Kev.
1336
00:49:13,495 --> 00:49:15,538
That's what I'm talking about.
Talk your shit.
1337
00:49:15,580 --> 00:49:17,058
Say it again for the people in
the back that didn't hear you.
1338
00:49:17,082 --> 00:49:19,709
Fine, I will.
1339
00:49:23,797 --> 00:49:25,048
Tweet.
1340
00:49:25,090 --> 00:49:26,633
Hell yeah, Kev.
1341
00:49:26,675 --> 00:49:28,635
That's what I'm talking about,
Black man.
1342
00:49:28,677 --> 00:49:30,595
Way to talk your shit,
Black man.
1343
00:49:30,637 --> 00:49:32,889
Way to be there
for your people, Black king.
1344
00:49:35,725 --> 00:49:36,935
He called me a Black king.
1345
00:49:36,976 --> 00:49:39,020
I ain't never been called
a Black king before.
1346
00:49:39,062 --> 00:49:40,397
Shit went right to my head.
1347
00:49:40,438 --> 00:49:41,815
Yeah.
1348
00:49:41,856 --> 00:49:44,067
Yeah.
1349
00:49:45,610 --> 00:49:46,945
My people need me.
1350
00:49:46,986 --> 00:49:48,780
They need me.
1351
00:49:48,822 --> 00:49:51,491
Sent out, like,
1,000 fucking tweets.
1352
00:49:51,533 --> 00:49:53,660
I was doing a movie
for Universal at the time.
1353
00:49:53,702 --> 00:49:55,078
Universal called me.
1354
00:49:55,120 --> 00:49:56,579
Whoa.
1355
00:49:58,707 --> 00:50:00,333
Whoa.
1356
00:50:00,375 --> 00:50:03,837
They're like, "Kev, hey.
1357
00:50:03,878 --> 00:50:05,088
"We saw your tweets.
1358
00:50:05,130 --> 00:50:06,357
"Listen, first of all,
we're with you.
1359
00:50:06,381 --> 00:50:07,757
"OK?
We're your partners.
1360
00:50:07,799 --> 00:50:09,467
We're here for you.
We got your back."
1361
00:50:09,509 --> 00:50:10,778
By the way, they're talking
to me like this
1362
00:50:10,802 --> 00:50:12,321
because they believe
that I'm an activist.
1363
00:50:12,345 --> 00:50:13,847
Once again, I'm not an activist.
1364
00:50:13,888 --> 00:50:15,140
I'm just caught up in the shit.
1365
00:50:15,181 --> 00:50:16,951
When you start the shit,
you can't stop the shit
1366
00:50:16,975 --> 00:50:18,018
till you finish the shit.
1367
00:50:18,059 --> 00:50:19,811
I'm in the shit.
1368
00:50:19,853 --> 00:50:21,062
They said, "Kev, listen.
1369
00:50:21,104 --> 00:50:22,289
"You want to take
the company plane,
1370
00:50:22,313 --> 00:50:23,791
"go down there
to the memorial service?
1371
00:50:23,815 --> 00:50:25,251
"You want to take
your friends, family?
1372
00:50:25,275 --> 00:50:27,193
"You can, all right?
We'll send some partners.
1373
00:50:27,235 --> 00:50:28,379
"We'll make it
a teachable moment.
1374
00:50:28,403 --> 00:50:29,630
"All you gotta do
is say the word.
1375
00:50:29,654 --> 00:50:31,215
"Do you want the plane?
Say the word, Kev.
1376
00:50:31,239 --> 00:50:33,158
It's yours.
Do you want the plane?"
1377
00:50:38,830 --> 00:50:41,249
Fuck yeah, I want the plane.
1378
00:50:41,291 --> 00:50:43,209
They gave me the goddamn plane.
1379
00:50:43,251 --> 00:50:44,294
This is big.
1380
00:50:44,336 --> 00:50:45,628
I show up at the plane.
1381
00:50:45,670 --> 00:50:47,547
By the way, I didn't know
what to bring.
1382
00:50:47,589 --> 00:50:49,608
I didn't pack any bags.
This is my first activist trip.
1383
00:50:49,632 --> 00:50:51,718
I just showed up.
1384
00:50:51,760 --> 00:50:53,404
When I get there,
the first two people I see
1385
00:50:53,428 --> 00:50:55,764
is Tyrese and Ludacris, right?
1386
00:50:55,805 --> 00:50:57,223
First two people.
Yeah.
1387
00:50:57,265 --> 00:50:58,683
When I saw them, I knew.
1388
00:50:58,725 --> 00:51:00,161
I knew off the bat that this
was a fucking mistake.
1389
00:51:00,185 --> 00:51:01,686
"I want to go home."
1390
00:51:01,728 --> 00:51:02,812
I said that.
1391
00:51:02,854 --> 00:51:05,357
I want to go home.
It don't look right.
1392
00:51:05,398 --> 00:51:07,209
Why the fuck they send
the cast of "Fast & Furious"
1393
00:51:07,233 --> 00:51:08,193
out this bitch?
1394
00:51:08,234 --> 00:51:10,111
It don't look right.
1395
00:51:12,113 --> 00:51:13,239
I get on the goddamn plane.
1396
00:51:13,281 --> 00:51:14,574
T.I. come out the bathroom.
1397
00:51:14,616 --> 00:51:15,575
He looked at me.
1398
00:51:15,617 --> 00:51:16,719
He said, "Kev,
you think they got
1399
00:51:16,743 --> 00:51:18,012
metal detectors
where we're going?"
1400
00:51:18,036 --> 00:51:19,638
I said, "Why the fuck
would you ask me that?"
1401
00:51:19,662 --> 00:51:20,890
He said, "'Cause I want to know
if I should bring my bag."
1402
00:51:20,914 --> 00:51:22,332
I said, "What's in your bag?
1403
00:51:22,374 --> 00:51:24,751
"And before you tell me,
you should know that I'll tell.
1404
00:51:24,793 --> 00:51:27,420
"I'll fucking tell.
1405
00:51:27,462 --> 00:51:29,839
Ain't got time to deal
with your shit, Tip."
1406
00:51:31,424 --> 00:51:32,568
We on the plane,
they want to talk.
1407
00:51:32,592 --> 00:51:34,344
I don't want to talk.
I had a long day.
1408
00:51:34,386 --> 00:51:35,762
I'm going to sleep.
1409
00:51:35,804 --> 00:51:37,722
I wake up, nobody's dressed
the way they were
1410
00:51:37,764 --> 00:51:39,474
when I got on the goddamn plane.
1411
00:51:39,516 --> 00:51:41,267
Everybody's got on
activist wear.
1412
00:51:41,309 --> 00:51:42,352
They're wearing all black.
1413
00:51:42,394 --> 00:51:44,145
By the way, nobody told me.
1414
00:51:44,187 --> 00:51:48,608
I got a goddamn salmon-colored
V-neck on and some khakis.
1415
00:51:48,650 --> 00:51:50,318
Looking like Carlton
in his prime.
1416
00:51:50,360 --> 00:51:51,486
Nobody told me.
1417
00:51:53,321 --> 00:51:55,740
Tyrese got on the black beret,
black sunglasses,
1418
00:51:55,782 --> 00:51:57,784
black turtleneck,
black leather trench coat,
1419
00:51:57,826 --> 00:52:00,120
these black cargo pants,
and these combat boots
1420
00:52:00,161 --> 00:52:01,371
that came above his knee.
1421
00:52:01,413 --> 00:52:02,956
He looked like a male
Mary J. Blige.
1422
00:52:02,997 --> 00:52:06,710
I've never seen anything
like it in my fucking life.
1423
00:52:06,751 --> 00:52:09,713
I've never seen nothing like it.
1424
00:52:09,754 --> 00:52:11,339
Luda had his Afro picked out.
1425
00:52:11,381 --> 00:52:13,299
Tip got a fucking jumpsuit on.
1426
00:52:13,341 --> 00:52:15,677
It's ridiculous.
1427
00:52:15,719 --> 00:52:16,594
We get in an SUV.
1428
00:52:16,636 --> 00:52:17,697
We go to the memorial service.
1429
00:52:17,721 --> 00:52:19,514
When we pull up,
they outside protesting.
1430
00:52:19,556 --> 00:52:20,932
Black people all in the street.
1431
00:52:20,974 --> 00:52:22,684
Cops lined up
down the side of the street
1432
00:52:22,726 --> 00:52:24,060
with riot gear on.
1433
00:52:24,102 --> 00:52:26,646
Black man in the middle
with a bullhorn going off.
1434
00:52:26,688 --> 00:52:28,499
Black Lives Matter, and if you
don't think they matter,
1435
00:52:28,523 --> 00:52:29,625
then you're part of the problem.
1436
00:52:29,649 --> 00:52:30,984
And today we find a solution.
1437
00:52:31,026 --> 00:52:32,402
The solution is death.
1438
00:52:32,444 --> 00:52:34,130
Every Black person
that showed up here today
1439
00:52:34,154 --> 00:52:35,155
is willing to die.
1440
00:52:35,196 --> 00:52:37,282
We will all die today.
1441
00:52:37,323 --> 00:52:38,742
We don't give a fuck about life.
1442
00:52:38,783 --> 00:52:40,845
If you Black and you here,
it's 'cause you came to die.
1443
00:52:40,869 --> 00:52:43,329
If you Black and you
in this circle around me,
1444
00:52:43,371 --> 00:52:44,998
it's 'cause you ready
to die first.
1445
00:52:45,040 --> 00:52:46,332
I look down.
1446
00:52:46,374 --> 00:52:47,876
I'm in the fucking circle.
1447
00:52:47,917 --> 00:52:50,545
I said, "Wait a minute.
1448
00:52:50,587 --> 00:52:52,106
"That's not why I came.
I didn't come for that.
1449
00:52:52,130 --> 00:52:54,215
"That's not why I'm here.
1450
00:52:54,257 --> 00:52:55,901
"Once again, I don't think
y'all have my email address,
1451
00:52:55,925 --> 00:52:57,153
"'cause I'm not getting
these messages.
1452
00:52:57,177 --> 00:52:58,511
I'm not getting
these messages."
1453
00:52:58,553 --> 00:53:00,513
But I don't want to stop
what they got going on,
1454
00:53:00,555 --> 00:53:01,806
so I try to back out the circle
1455
00:53:01,848 --> 00:53:03,767
without drawing attention
to myself.
1456
00:53:03,808 --> 00:53:04,642
He see me.
1457
00:53:04,684 --> 00:53:06,019
He go, "Oh, shit, Kev Hart."
1458
00:53:06,061 --> 00:53:07,687
"I see you, Black king.
1459
00:53:07,729 --> 00:53:09,373
"Way to come out here
and be with your people.
1460
00:53:09,397 --> 00:53:10,583
Say something to your people."
1461
00:53:10,607 --> 00:53:11,858
He throw me the bullhorn.
1462
00:53:13,401 --> 00:53:16,321
I catch it.
1463
00:53:16,363 --> 00:53:18,281
Now I gotta give a speech.
1464
00:53:18,323 --> 00:53:19,467
I've never given
an activist speech.
1465
00:53:19,491 --> 00:53:21,034
I don't know what the fuck
to say,
1466
00:53:21,076 --> 00:53:22,369
but I cannot say nothing.
1467
00:53:22,410 --> 00:53:24,537
I have to say something.
1468
00:53:24,579 --> 00:53:27,916
Tyrese stupid ass
standing behind me
1469
00:53:27,957 --> 00:53:29,876
saying lines
from "Fast & Furious"
1470
00:53:29,918 --> 00:53:31,419
in my fucking ear.
1471
00:53:33,713 --> 00:53:36,049
"We family,
and we gonna be family."
1472
00:53:36,091 --> 00:53:37,592
"What?"
1473
00:53:37,634 --> 00:53:39,386
"All we got is family."
1474
00:53:39,427 --> 00:53:41,471
"Get the fuck back, Tyrese!"
1475
00:53:42,597 --> 00:53:44,766
He gonna back up just like Mary.
1476
00:53:50,563 --> 00:53:52,273
Now I gotta give a speech.
1477
00:53:52,315 --> 00:53:54,377
You ever say something and
while you're saying something,
1478
00:53:54,401 --> 00:53:55,586
you realize you're not
saying nothing
1479
00:53:55,610 --> 00:53:56,754
but you gotta keep trying
to say something
1480
00:53:56,778 --> 00:53:59,030
even though you know
it's nothing?
1481
00:53:59,072 --> 00:54:00,156
That was my fucking speech.
1482
00:54:00,198 --> 00:54:01,300
This is my speech word-for-word.
1483
00:54:01,324 --> 00:54:02,659
Verbatim, this is my speech.
1484
00:54:05,286 --> 00:54:06,788
A'ight.
1485
00:54:08,623 --> 00:54:11,376
Y'all already know what it is,
1486
00:54:11,418 --> 00:54:13,378
and what it is
is what it's gonna be.
1487
00:54:15,171 --> 00:54:17,841
'Cause at the end
of the day, hey.
1488
00:54:17,882 --> 00:54:19,009
Come on, now.
1489
00:54:20,927 --> 00:54:23,346
Don't make me sad.
1490
00:54:23,388 --> 00:54:27,767
1 plus 1 gonna be 2 every day.
1491
00:54:27,809 --> 00:54:29,269
I got enemies.
1492
00:54:29,310 --> 00:54:31,104
I got a lot of enemies,
1493
00:54:31,146 --> 00:54:33,815
but if I tell you a duck could
pull a truck, strap it up.
1494
00:54:33,857 --> 00:54:35,608
Shut the fuck up.
1495
00:54:37,318 --> 00:54:38,611
I panicked.
1496
00:54:38,653 --> 00:54:39,946
I ran out of shit to say.
1497
00:54:39,988 --> 00:54:41,322
I panicked.
1498
00:54:44,325 --> 00:54:46,953
T.I. got a gun
in his bag right now.
1499
00:54:50,206 --> 00:54:52,042
He a repeat offender.
1500
00:54:52,083 --> 00:54:54,336
Repeat offender.
1501
00:54:56,796 --> 00:54:58,274
I felt bad,
'cause they locked him up.
1502
00:54:58,298 --> 00:55:00,925
They locked his ass up
right there.
1503
00:55:00,967 --> 00:55:02,510
But at the same time,
I did my job.
1504
00:55:02,552 --> 00:55:04,155
That's one less bad person
on the streets.
1505
00:55:04,179 --> 00:55:06,639
You're welcome.
1506
00:55:06,681 --> 00:55:07,974
I asked God for another chance.
1507
00:55:08,016 --> 00:55:09,327
I said, "God, please
give me another chance
1508
00:55:09,351 --> 00:55:11,561
to be an activist,
'cause I did that one wrong."
1509
00:55:11,603 --> 00:55:12,937
God gave me another chance.
1510
00:55:12,979 --> 00:55:14,665
They were doing a peaceful
protest in Beverly Hills.
1511
00:55:14,689 --> 00:55:16,816
Black people were marching.
I'm going.
1512
00:55:16,858 --> 00:55:18,461
I need to be out there
with my fucking people.
1513
00:55:18,485 --> 00:55:20,278
This time, I'ma do it right.
1514
00:55:20,320 --> 00:55:22,655
I brought a glove.
I made a sign.
1515
00:55:22,697 --> 00:55:24,657
Spent all day
making my goddamn sign.
1516
00:55:24,699 --> 00:55:27,160
Put blood, sweat, and tears
into this goddamn sign.
1517
00:55:27,202 --> 00:55:30,205
I wanted people to read my sign
and get an immediate feeling
1518
00:55:30,246 --> 00:55:31,414
attached to emotion.
1519
00:55:31,456 --> 00:55:33,875
I wanted that sign
to have an impact.
1520
00:55:33,917 --> 00:55:35,293
Made that sign.
1521
00:55:35,335 --> 00:55:36,854
I went out there and marched,
held my sign up high.
1522
00:55:36,878 --> 00:55:38,296
I'll never fucking forget it.
1523
00:55:38,338 --> 00:55:39,673
Marching.
1524
00:55:39,714 --> 00:55:41,299
While I'm marching,
I hear this noise.
1525
00:55:41,341 --> 00:55:42,676
Psss.
1526
00:55:42,717 --> 00:55:43,843
That's what I heard.
1527
00:55:43,885 --> 00:55:45,637
Psss.
1528
00:55:45,679 --> 00:55:47,198
When I first heard it,
first thing I thought is,
1529
00:55:47,222 --> 00:55:48,348
somebody pissed my dad off.
1530
00:55:48,390 --> 00:55:49,349
He giving himself a boost.
1531
00:55:49,391 --> 00:55:51,184
That's my dad, right?
1532
00:55:51,226 --> 00:55:52,394
He about to fuck somebody up.
1533
00:55:52,435 --> 00:55:54,562
20 seconds.
It's going down.
1534
00:55:54,604 --> 00:55:55,998
But then somebody
yelled out, "Oh, my God.
1535
00:55:56,022 --> 00:55:57,249
"They're throwing
tear gas at us.
1536
00:55:57,273 --> 00:55:58,525
Run!"
"What?"
1537
00:55:58,566 --> 00:56:00,402
"They throwing tear gas.
Run!"
1538
00:56:00,443 --> 00:56:01,986
I see it.
1539
00:56:02,028 --> 00:56:03,655
That's real tear gas.
Fuck.
1540
00:56:03,697 --> 00:56:05,240
I'm in it.
I'm in the shit.
1541
00:56:05,281 --> 00:56:06,282
I start running.
1542
00:56:06,324 --> 00:56:07,450
This is real chaos.
1543
00:56:07,492 --> 00:56:08,451
This is not a joke.
1544
00:56:08,493 --> 00:56:10,036
I'm in the middle of it.
1545
00:56:10,078 --> 00:56:11,871
While I'm running,
fucking I'm in there,
1546
00:56:11,913 --> 00:56:13,206
the Black guy in the front goes,
1547
00:56:13,248 --> 00:56:14,666
"Hey, y'all know the drill.
1548
00:56:14,708 --> 00:56:15,709
We ain't new to this.
1549
00:56:15,750 --> 00:56:18,086
Mask up.
Put your goggles on."
1550
00:56:23,758 --> 00:56:24,819
Ain't nobody tell me to bring...
1551
00:56:24,843 --> 00:56:25,903
I don't have no goddamn goggles.
1552
00:56:25,927 --> 00:56:27,303
Where I'm supposed
to get goggles?
1553
00:56:27,345 --> 00:56:29,407
Once again, I don't think
y'all have my email address.
1554
00:56:29,431 --> 00:56:32,392
I'm not getting these messages.
1555
00:56:32,434 --> 00:56:33,619
While we running,
Black guy next to me
1556
00:56:33,643 --> 00:56:34,662
gets shot with a rubber bullet.
1557
00:56:34,686 --> 00:56:36,479
Bow!
I'm right here.
1558
00:56:36,521 --> 00:56:37,772
I see it.
Bow!
1559
00:56:37,814 --> 00:56:41,192
He said, "Fuck!"
1560
00:56:41,234 --> 00:56:42,902
He said...
He looked right at me.
1561
00:56:42,944 --> 00:56:45,405
He said...
"I hate this part."
1562
00:56:45,447 --> 00:56:49,117
I said, "Excuse me, sir?"
1563
00:56:49,159 --> 00:56:51,411
"This part?
1564
00:56:51,453 --> 00:56:54,414
Well, how many parts
are there, sir?"
1565
00:56:54,456 --> 00:56:56,666
Now I'm fucking scared.
1566
00:56:56,708 --> 00:56:58,918
I pick up the pace.
I start running.
1567
00:56:58,960 --> 00:57:00,104
I catch up to the Black guy
in the front.
1568
00:57:00,128 --> 00:57:03,298
I grab his arm.
I said, "Hey, man. Hey!
1569
00:57:03,340 --> 00:57:04,424
"What's the plan?
1570
00:57:04,466 --> 00:57:06,343
What's the fucking plan?"
1571
00:57:06,384 --> 00:57:08,237
He looked me dead in the eyes.
I'll never forget it.
1572
00:57:08,261 --> 00:57:09,596
I said, "What's the plan?"
1573
00:57:09,637 --> 00:57:12,098
He said,
"Nigga, you better go home."
1574
00:57:12,140 --> 00:57:14,351
I said, "What?"
1575
00:57:14,392 --> 00:57:16,561
"Nigga, you better take
your stupid ass home,
1576
00:57:16,603 --> 00:57:19,064
"out here running around
in them dumb-ass khakis,
1577
00:57:19,105 --> 00:57:21,775
"holding up
that stupid-ass sign.
1578
00:57:21,816 --> 00:57:23,085
"What the fuck
does that sign say?
1579
00:57:23,109 --> 00:57:24,611
Does that say,
'Black people rock'?"
1580
00:57:24,652 --> 00:57:26,571
I said, "Yes, it does."
1581
00:57:27,405 --> 00:57:29,342
He said, "What the fuck
that got to do with anything?"
1582
00:57:29,366 --> 00:57:31,659
I said, "Mm-mm-mm."
1583
00:57:31,701 --> 00:57:32,887
He said,
"Take your stupid ass home
1584
00:57:32,911 --> 00:57:34,013
before you get yourself
killed."
1585
00:57:34,037 --> 00:57:36,331
I got emotional.
I start crying.
1586
00:57:36,373 --> 00:57:37,749
"I can't.
It's not that easy.
1587
00:57:37,791 --> 00:57:39,501
I can't just leave.
I can't."
1588
00:57:39,542 --> 00:57:41,127
He said, "Why not?"
1589
00:57:41,169 --> 00:57:42,688
I said, "Because I don't know
where I parked at.
1590
00:57:42,712 --> 00:57:44,964
We been running
for a long time."
1591
00:57:45,006 --> 00:57:46,800
I took out my valet ticket.
I gave it to him.
1592
00:57:46,841 --> 00:57:49,803
I said, "Can you help me
find my car, please?
1593
00:57:49,844 --> 00:57:51,596
"I'll tip you
if you help me find my car.
1594
00:57:51,638 --> 00:57:52,972
I'll tip you."
1595
00:57:53,014 --> 00:57:54,367
He said, "I don't know
where your fucking car at.
1596
00:57:54,391 --> 00:57:56,643
You better ask
one of them niggas over there."
1597
00:57:56,685 --> 00:57:59,020
I said, "Excuse me.
1598
00:57:59,062 --> 00:58:00,271
"Excuse me.
1599
00:58:00,313 --> 00:58:02,524
"Niggas over there,
1600
00:58:02,565 --> 00:58:04,067
can y'all help me find my car?"
1601
00:58:04,109 --> 00:58:05,985
One of them turned around.
He was Mexican.
1602
00:58:06,027 --> 00:58:10,532
He looked at me.
He said, "Oh.
1603
00:58:10,573 --> 00:58:13,827
Queso, huh?"
1604
00:58:13,868 --> 00:58:15,346
Ladies and gentlemen,
that will do it for me.
1605
00:58:15,370 --> 00:58:17,372
That is my time.
Thank you all.
1606
00:58:19,124 --> 00:58:20,583
I appreciate you, Vegas.
1607
00:58:20,625 --> 00:58:23,211
Thank you so much.
1608
00:58:23,253 --> 00:58:27,090
From the top of this bitch
to the bottom, thank you all.
1609
00:58:27,132 --> 00:58:29,175
I love you.
1610
00:58:29,217 --> 00:58:31,678
I thank you.
1611
00:58:31,720 --> 00:58:33,346
There's no me without you.
1612
00:58:33,388 --> 00:58:34,931
This was dope as fuck.
1613
00:58:34,973 --> 00:58:36,182
Peace.
1614
00:58:36,224 --> 00:58:38,893
♪ He's a nerd, pop out ♪
1615
00:58:38,935 --> 00:58:40,437
♪ I ain't seen niggas
hit corners ♪
1616
00:58:40,478 --> 00:58:41,688
♪ In the motherfucking burbs ♪
1617
00:58:41,730 --> 00:58:43,189
♪ Pop out ♪
1618
00:58:43,231 --> 00:58:44,542
♪ Done politicking
with the competition ♪
1619
00:58:44,566 --> 00:58:46,192
♪ What's the word, yeah ♪
1620
00:58:46,234 --> 00:58:48,278
♪ Put that on my mama, nigga,
eight in the process ♪
1621
00:58:48,319 --> 00:58:50,280
♪ Nigga tryin' to tippy-toe
through the progress ♪
117624
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Czech
Danish
Dutch
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Javanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish (Latin American)
Swedish
Tajik
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkmen
Uighur
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Welsh
Wolof
