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1
00:00:14,114 --> 00:00:16,682
Kids, before I met your mother,
2
00:00:16,684 --> 00:00:18,484
When I was still
out there searching,
3
00:00:18,486 --> 00:00:20,386
I learned something valuable.
4
00:00:20,388 --> 00:00:21,553
That love is not a science.
5
00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:23,489
Wow, that was
a great story, dad.
6
00:00:23,491 --> 00:00:27,993
You see, sometimes in life
you just have to accept
7
00:00:27,995 --> 00:00:30,496
That certain things
can't be explained.
8
00:00:30,498 --> 00:00:32,364
And that's kind of scary.
9
00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:34,199
Oh, my god.
10
00:00:34,201 --> 00:00:36,001
I know, I'm still shaking.
What the...?
11
00:00:36,003 --> 00:00:37,803
Joke's on you, I have a cold.
12
00:00:37,805 --> 00:00:39,905
Are you guys okay?
13
00:00:39,907 --> 00:00:41,507
Another round, and back it
up for me and lily!
14
00:00:41,509 --> 00:00:46,211
We saw something up
in the apartment.
15
00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:47,780
Something bad.
16
00:00:51,918 --> 00:00:55,154
I don't know what it is,
but margaritas make me sexy.
17
00:00:55,156 --> 00:00:58,957
Oh, muchos sexy.
Yo quiero, marshall.
18
00:01:02,195 --> 00:01:04,029
Oh, my god.
19
00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:12,571
Only the craziest,
meanest looking mouse
you've ever seen.
20
00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:13,872
Mouse?
21
00:01:13,874 --> 00:01:15,507
Sweetie, that wasn't a mouse.
22
00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:17,543
That was a huge cockroach.
23
00:01:17,545 --> 00:01:18,911
Baby, it was a mouse.
24
00:01:18,913 --> 00:01:23,182
But those things coming out of
its head, those were antennae.
25
00:01:23,184 --> 00:01:26,385
Marshall ran away
from a cockroach.
26
00:01:26,387 --> 00:01:29,421
Oh, yeah, sorry, my bad.
You're a man.
27
00:01:29,889 --> 00:01:31,256
Oh, my story is on.
28
00:01:31,258 --> 00:01:32,458
Ted, pay attention.
29
00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:33,559
Carl, turn it up.
30
00:01:33,561 --> 00:01:34,893
I'm here with ellen pierce,
31
00:01:34,895 --> 00:01:37,763
New york's premiere matchmaker.
32
00:01:37,765 --> 00:01:39,731
Ellen, your company,
love solutions,
33
00:01:39,733 --> 00:01:42,267
Boasts 100%
success rate.
34
00:01:42,269 --> 00:01:43,268
What's your secret?
35
00:01:43,270 --> 00:01:44,369
Science.
36
00:01:44,371 --> 00:01:49,108
Can be broken down to ones
and zeros, even love.
37
00:01:49,110 --> 00:01:51,243
All I have to do is
input the variables,
38
00:01:51,245 --> 00:01:56,915
And presto manifesto, you have
a soul mate, and it works!
39
00:01:56,917 --> 00:02:00,052
Just ask all
of my happy couples.
40
00:02:00,054 --> 00:02:02,154
And these are just
the attractive ones.
41
00:02:02,156 --> 00:02:05,124
I have more photos
in the bathroom.
42
00:02:05,126 --> 00:02:07,226
Love solutions, ellen pierce.
43
00:02:07,228 --> 00:02:09,928
A beacon of hope
for new york city's lovelorn.
44
00:02:09,930 --> 00:02:10,996
Robin scherbotsky...
45
00:02:10,998 --> 00:02:13,565
Was that chick at the end
really a client?
Yes.
46
00:02:13,567 --> 00:02:14,800
We're signing up.
What?
47
00:02:14,802 --> 00:02:17,402
Ted, these chicks are
desperate and hot.
48
00:02:17,404 --> 00:02:18,971
That's a perfect cocktail.
49
00:02:18,973 --> 00:02:21,273
Shake well, then sleep with.
50
00:02:21,275 --> 00:02:24,776
I'm not going to a matchmaker.
That's like giving up.
51
00:02:24,778 --> 00:02:26,979
It's the man version
of getting a cat.
52
00:02:27,647 --> 00:02:29,148
No, it wasn't a cockroach.
53
00:02:29,150 --> 00:02:30,983
It had fur, and only
mammals have fur.
54
00:02:30,985 --> 00:02:32,484
It was a cockroach.
55
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:34,653
Come on, lily, the only way
that that was a cockroach
56
00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:38,457
Is if it was wearing the skin
of a mouse it just killed.
57
00:02:38,459 --> 00:02:40,759
Oh, my god.
58
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:43,162
Come on.
59
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:55,374
Ted!
60
00:02:55,376 --> 00:02:57,176
Hurry! You've got to help me.
My boat is sinking!
What?
61
00:02:57,178 --> 00:02:59,311
My boat is sinking!
You have a boat?
62
00:02:59,313 --> 00:03:00,512
Yes, I bought a boat last year
at a police auction.
63
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,214
I just got a call from a guy
down at the marina
64
00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:05,184
If I don't get down there right
now, it's going to capsize.
65
00:03:05,186 --> 00:03:07,085
Now come on!
66
00:03:08,488 --> 00:03:10,989
Your boat is sinking.
67
00:03:10,991 --> 00:03:12,224
That was good.
68
00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:13,225
Come on, ted.
69
00:03:13,227 --> 00:03:15,494
This is an incredible
opportunity.
70
00:03:15,496 --> 00:03:17,329
We'll meet our soul mates,
71
00:03:17,331 --> 00:03:19,598
Nail 'em
and never call 'em again.
72
00:03:21,467 --> 00:03:22,534
All finished, gentlemen?
73
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:23,702
Congratulations.
74
00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:24,703
You have just taken
75
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:26,505
Your very first step.
76
00:03:26,507 --> 00:03:27,906
Gosh, thanks, ellen.
77
00:03:27,908 --> 00:03:29,408
I sure hope this works.
78
00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:30,175
I'm so done
79
00:03:30,177 --> 00:03:31,710
With the single life--
80
00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:34,546
All the games,
the meaningless sex.
81
00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:36,548
You deserve more.
82
00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:38,550
That is so true, ellen.
83
00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:42,721
I really think I'm ready
to stop being a me,
84
00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:44,156
And start being a we.
85
00:03:44,158 --> 00:03:46,858
Hey, is there any way
I can let it be known
86
00:03:46,860 --> 00:03:47,859
That I love cuddling?
87
00:03:47,861 --> 00:03:50,529
Ah, of course you can.
88
00:03:50,531 --> 00:03:51,530
That is so...
89
00:03:51,532 --> 00:03:53,498
Oh.
90
00:03:53,500 --> 00:03:56,268
Kind of hard to talk
about with ted here,
91
00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:59,571
But I just want someone
who's not afraid
92
00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:01,873
To hold me at night...
93
00:04:01,875 --> 00:04:04,276
When the tears come.
94
00:04:05,345 --> 00:04:07,579
Ellen, can you help
me find her?
95
00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:08,747
Get out.
96
00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:10,415
What?
97
00:04:11,184 --> 00:04:12,851
I get 15 guys like you
every week.
98
00:04:12,853 --> 00:04:14,086
Jerks who just want
99
00:04:14,088 --> 00:04:15,687
To meet
vulnerable women,
100
00:04:15,689 --> 00:04:17,589
Nail 'em
and never call 'em again.
101
00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,558
Oh, my god, people do that?
102
00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:21,927
Do you want to do this
the easy way or the hard way?
103
00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:23,195
What's the hard way?
104
00:04:23,197 --> 00:04:26,064
Security roughs me up
and tosses me out?
105
00:04:26,066 --> 00:04:27,366
No, that's the easy way.
106
00:04:27,368 --> 00:04:30,435
The hard way is that I stomp
the crap out of you myself.
107
00:04:30,437 --> 00:04:33,272
Okay, ted, let's go.
Not you. You stay.
108
00:04:34,574 --> 00:04:36,875
You're cute.
109
00:04:36,877 --> 00:04:38,377
You're an architect.
110
00:04:38,379 --> 00:04:41,413
Good career, and you didn't use
an obvious alias
111
00:04:41,415 --> 00:04:44,816
On your application,
like your friend jack package.
112
00:04:44,818 --> 00:04:46,918
It's pronounced pa-codge.
113
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:48,453
Get out of here!
114
00:04:49,589 --> 00:04:51,623
You I can work with.
115
00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:53,425
You give me three days,
116
00:04:53,427 --> 00:04:56,895
And I will find the woman
you will marry.
117
00:04:56,897 --> 00:04:58,797
Uh, no, thanks.
118
00:04:58,799 --> 00:04:59,831
I don't need an algorithm
119
00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:01,400
To meet women.
120
00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:04,236
It's new york city, you know--
plenty of fish in the sea.
121
00:05:04,238 --> 00:05:07,406
Plenty of fish in the sea.
122
00:05:07,408 --> 00:05:09,675
Yes, there's nine million people
in new york,
123
00:05:09,677 --> 00:05:11,576
4.5 million women.
124
00:05:11,578 --> 00:05:14,279
Of course, you want to meet
somebody roughly your own age.
125
00:05:14,281 --> 00:05:16,348
Let's say, plus, minus,
five years.
126
00:05:16,350 --> 00:05:18,650
So if we take into account
the most recent census data,
127
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,118
That leaves us
128
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:21,486
With 482,000.
129
00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:22,821
But, uh, wait...
130
00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:23,989
48% of those
131
00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:25,824
Are already in relationships,
132
00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:28,160
And then you have to eliminate
half for intelligence,
133
00:05:28,162 --> 00:05:29,361
Sense of humor
and compatibility,
134
00:05:29,363 --> 00:05:30,996
And then you
have to take out
135
00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:32,531
The ex-girlfriends
and the relatives,
136
00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:35,334
And, oh, we can't forget
those lesbians.
137
00:05:35,336 --> 00:05:36,268
And then
138
00:05:36,270 --> 00:05:40,205
That leaves us with eight women.
139
00:05:40,207 --> 00:05:43,542
That can't be right.
Eight?
140
00:05:43,544 --> 00:05:49,214
There are eight fish
in that big blue ocean, ted.
141
00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:52,017
And if you feel confident
that you could reel one in
142
00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:54,653
To your boat without me,
there's the door.
143
00:05:54,655 --> 00:05:57,422
Do you take credit cards?
144
00:05:58,791 --> 00:06:01,460
Okay, it's back.
145
00:06:01,462 --> 00:06:03,362
And this time we got
a good look.
146
00:06:03,364 --> 00:06:06,698
Hey, seriously,
you have to stop doing that.
147
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:07,733
It's bigger now.
148
00:06:07,735 --> 00:06:09,634
It's been feeding.
149
00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:13,705
We were just upstairs
watching tv.
150
00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:15,707
Oh, gosh.
151
00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:25,717
Okay, let's do this.
152
00:06:34,561 --> 00:06:35,727
Shh, shh, shh.
153
00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:38,730
It's okay. It's over.
154
00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:40,399
Oh, god!
155
00:06:49,275 --> 00:06:50,776
So did you get
a good look at it?
156
00:06:50,778 --> 00:06:56,381
Yeah. It has six legs, a hard
exoskeleton, like a roach.
157
00:06:56,383 --> 00:06:58,417
But it had mouse-like
characteristics.
158
00:06:58,419 --> 00:07:00,919
Grey-brown tufts of fur, a tail.
159
00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:05,090
So which is it:
A cockroach or a mouse?
160
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:08,493
It's a cock-a-mouse.
161
00:07:09,730 --> 00:07:14,065
It's some sort of mutant
combination of the two.
162
00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:17,602
It's as if a cockroach
and a mouse, you know...
163
00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:21,706
Did the horizontal,
ten-legged, interspecies
cha-cha?
164
00:07:21,708 --> 00:07:22,908
That's impossible.
165
00:07:22,910 --> 00:07:24,242
That simply can't happen.
166
00:07:24,244 --> 00:07:25,444
Oh, but it can.
167
00:07:25,446 --> 00:07:27,779
And it has.
And it's pissed.
168
00:07:29,882 --> 00:07:31,750
Dude, is everything okay?
You left the front door open.
169
00:07:31,752 --> 00:07:33,385
There was no time.
170
00:07:33,387 --> 00:07:36,555
So, love solutions?
171
00:07:36,557 --> 00:07:38,557
Did you meet the love
of your life?
172
00:07:38,559 --> 00:07:42,127
She said it'd take three days.
It's been five days.
173
00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:43,128
Should I be worried?
174
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:44,396
Oh, just play it cool.
175
00:07:44,398 --> 00:07:46,465
Don't ted out about it.
176
00:07:46,467 --> 00:07:48,934
Did you just use my name
as a verb?
177
00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:50,469
Oh, yeah.
178
00:07:50,471 --> 00:07:51,670
We do that behind
your back.
179
00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:52,904
"Ted out:"
180
00:07:52,906 --> 00:07:54,139
To overthink.
181
00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:55,740
Also see "ted up."
182
00:07:55,742 --> 00:07:56,942
"Ted up:" to overthink
183
00:07:56,944 --> 00:07:58,643
Something with
disastrous results.
184
00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:01,746
Sample sentence: Billy
tedded up when he tried...
185
00:08:01,748 --> 00:08:03,148
Okay, I get it.
186
00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:04,749
Don't worry.
187
00:08:04,751 --> 00:08:06,852
I'm not going
to ted anything up. Or out.
188
00:08:06,854 --> 00:08:09,588
I should give it
a few more days.
189
00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:13,024
Hi, ellen. Remember me?
I'm ted.
190
00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:14,826
Ted, hi.
191
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:16,294
I, uh, meant to call you.
192
00:08:16,296 --> 00:08:18,530
The computer is still
crunching the numbers.
193
00:08:18,532 --> 00:08:20,165
Busy as a bee, that
little computer.
194
00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:22,033
You said it was going
to be three days.
195
00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:23,435
Did I?
Hmm.
196
00:08:23,437 --> 00:08:24,636
Three days? Really?
197
00:08:24,638 --> 00:08:27,172
Yeah, and when someone says
you're going to meet
198
00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:28,440
The perfect woman in three days,
199
00:08:28,442 --> 00:08:30,642
You kind of put that
in your date book, so...
200
00:08:30,644 --> 00:08:32,611
How do I say this?
201
00:08:32,613 --> 00:08:34,779
This is going to be
really hard.
202
00:08:34,781 --> 00:08:39,618
There are absolutely
no women out there for you.
203
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:43,555
Phew, actually, I got
through that okay.
204
00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:49,561
There are no women
out there for me?
205
00:08:49,563 --> 00:08:51,296
I thought you said
there were eight.
206
00:08:51,298 --> 00:08:52,130
I know. There are
supposed to be.
207
00:08:52,132 --> 00:08:53,131
I don't know where
they are.
208
00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:55,133
But... I'm an architect.
209
00:08:55,135 --> 00:08:56,301
And you said I'm cute.
210
00:08:56,303 --> 00:08:57,335
I'm a cute architect.
211
00:08:57,337 --> 00:08:59,170
How do you think I feel?
212
00:08:59,172 --> 00:09:01,006
I have a 100% success rate.
213
00:09:01,008 --> 00:09:02,040
That's my hook.
214
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:03,041
I could maybe find
215
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:04,643
Somebody for you
if you were gay.
216
00:09:04,645 --> 00:09:06,578
Well, I'm not.
A little bi maybe?
217
00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:07,812
No!
218
00:09:08,481 --> 00:09:10,015
You're messing with me, right?
219
00:09:10,017 --> 00:09:11,917
Come see for yourself.
220
00:09:11,919 --> 00:09:15,086
I cannot set you up
221
00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:16,221
Unless you have
a compatibility rating
222
00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:18,223
Of 7.0 or higher.
223
00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:21,560
And look: 5.4, 4.8, 5.6.
224
00:09:21,562 --> 00:09:23,528
There's a 9.6 right there.
225
00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:26,431
Don't touch the computer.
226
00:09:26,433 --> 00:09:28,433
Yes, sarah o'brien.
227
00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:30,201
I fixed her up six months ago.
228
00:09:30,203 --> 00:09:32,170
She would have been absolutely
perfect for you.
229
00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:33,572
Well, what about the guy
you set her up with?
230
00:09:33,574 --> 00:09:35,440
Is he a 9.6
compatibility rating?
231
00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:36,908
8.5.
232
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:38,209
So he sucks.
233
00:09:38,211 --> 00:09:41,846
No, 8.5 is an extremely good
match-up quotient.
234
00:09:41,848 --> 00:09:45,917
Oh, sure, it's good.
It's solid, but a 9.6?
235
00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:50,055
9.6 is off the charts,
but sarah is matched up.
236
00:09:50,057 --> 00:09:53,425
Ted, look, I have a lunch.
237
00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:54,960
Please, I
promise we will
238
00:09:54,962 --> 00:09:57,462
Find you somebody.
Don't lose hope.
239
00:09:57,464 --> 00:10:00,632
There are new women
turning 18 every day.
240
00:10:28,327 --> 00:10:30,328
It's a whole
new species--
241
00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:31,630
The cock-a-mouse.
242
00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:34,866
And it's the size
of a potato.
243
00:10:37,303 --> 00:10:40,572
So what, now it's a
cock-a-potato-mouse?
244
00:10:40,574 --> 00:10:42,173
Don't make it
sound ridiculous.
245
00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:44,142
It's a cock-a-mouse.
246
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:47,579
My god, this is incredible.
We're like the same person.
247
00:10:47,581 --> 00:10:51,316
Sarah o'brien loves brunch.
She wants to have two children.
248
00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:53,251
Her guilty pleasure song
249
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,020
Is "summer breeze"
by seals and crofts.
250
00:10:55,022 --> 00:10:59,157
Wow, ted, sounds like
you're her perfect woman.
251
00:10:59,992 --> 00:11:00,992
And like
the majestic seahorse,
252
00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:02,594
It's hermaphroditic.
253
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:07,265
Obviously the whole thing
is shrouded in mystery.
254
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:09,467
For as much as we know
about the cock-a-mouse,
255
00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:11,736
There's still so much
we don't know.
256
00:11:12,972 --> 00:11:16,041
Well, we know that there's no
such thing as the cock-a-mouse.
257
00:11:16,043 --> 00:11:19,010
What we don't know is what
you guys have been smoking.
258
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:21,846
So you really don't believe
in the cock-a-mouse?
259
00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:24,683
Well, I believe that you saw
something perfectly normal,
260
00:11:24,685 --> 00:11:27,218
But you've exaggerated it
in your mind, you know?
261
00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:29,087
Like the loch ness monster.
262
00:11:31,290 --> 00:11:34,359
If by "like
the loch ness monster,"
263
00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:37,362
You mean totally exists
and is awesome, then yeah,
264
00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:39,631
It's like the
loch ness monster.
265
00:11:40,299 --> 00:11:41,666
Its diet is not unlike our own--
266
00:11:41,668 --> 00:11:45,170
Grains, cereals-- and
it's awfully fond of cheese.
267
00:11:45,172 --> 00:11:46,204
Okay, this is getting weird.
268
00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:47,372
The similarities go on and on.
269
00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:48,640
She hates phonies.
270
00:11:48,642 --> 00:11:51,209
I totally hate phonies, too.
271
00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:52,210
She's a dermatologist.
272
00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:53,645
I have skin.
273
00:11:53,647 --> 00:11:55,547
You want to be
her boyfriend.
274
00:11:55,549 --> 00:11:57,348
She already
has a boyfriend.
275
00:11:57,350 --> 00:11:59,017
It's uncanny.
276
00:11:59,019 --> 00:12:00,018
All right.
277
00:12:00,020 --> 00:12:01,686
But it wouldn't hurt
to check her out, right?
278
00:12:01,688 --> 00:12:03,988
See what my 9.6
looks like in person?
279
00:12:03,990 --> 00:12:05,590
As, you know, a
frame of reference.
280
00:12:05,592 --> 00:12:08,426
And if she thinks she
can do 11.45% better,
281
00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:10,395
Who am I
to deny her that?
282
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:11,563
That's right.
283
00:12:15,668 --> 00:12:17,368
Hi.
284
00:12:17,370 --> 00:12:19,370
Hi. I'm dr. O'brien.
285
00:12:19,372 --> 00:12:20,572
I'm architect mosby.
286
00:12:20,574 --> 00:12:23,141
Sorry, I just wanted
to say my job, too.
287
00:12:23,609 --> 00:12:25,510
Hi, I'm ted.
Hi.
288
00:12:25,512 --> 00:12:29,013
Right, I, uh, I have
a kind of mole on my back.
289
00:12:29,015 --> 00:12:30,381
It's probably nothing,
290
00:12:30,383 --> 00:12:31,382
But I'm a cautious guy.
291
00:12:31,384 --> 00:12:33,918
I'm exactly the same.
292
00:12:36,455 --> 00:12:42,260
♪ summer breeze
makes me feel fine ♪
293
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:47,766
♪ blowing through the jasmine
in my mind ♪
294
00:12:49,636 --> 00:12:51,069
Sorry about that.
295
00:12:51,071 --> 00:12:53,271
"summer breeze" is
my guilty pleasure song.
296
00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:54,873
It's been stuck in my head
297
00:12:54,875 --> 00:12:58,409
Ever since I heard it
this weekend... At brunch.
298
00:12:58,411 --> 00:13:00,111
I love brunch.
299
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:01,446
It's the best.
300
00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:03,214
As long as I don't
have to spend it
301
00:13:03,216 --> 00:13:05,483
With a bunch of phonies.
302
00:13:05,485 --> 00:13:08,520
I like the way you think,
architect mosby.
303
00:13:09,722 --> 00:13:11,289
Hey, this may
sound weird,
304
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,291
But it'll definitely sound
more weird once my shirt's off.
305
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:15,460
So I'm going to ask you now.
306
00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:17,462
Do you want to have dinner
with me Saturday night?
307
00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:19,931
That's very sweet,
308
00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:22,967
But I'm actually getting married
on Saturday.
309
00:13:24,403 --> 00:13:26,638
Friday night?
310
00:13:31,777 --> 00:13:33,444
Wow. You're
getting married.
311
00:13:33,446 --> 00:13:35,647
Congratulations.
Thank you.
312
00:13:35,649 --> 00:13:37,348
I'm really sorry
I asked you out.
313
00:13:37,350 --> 00:13:38,483
It just felt like there could be
314
00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:40,151
This weird connection
between us.
315
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:41,586
How crazy am I coming off here?
316
00:13:41,588 --> 00:13:43,288
Only a little.
317
00:13:43,290 --> 00:13:44,422
Well...
318
00:13:44,424 --> 00:13:45,857
If by some million-
to-one long shot
319
00:13:45,859 --> 00:13:47,158
And I'm not
rooting for this--
320
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:50,428
You wind up not getting married
this weekend,
321
00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:52,497
Give me a call.
322
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:53,331
Okay.
323
00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:54,465
But it's not likely.
324
00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:56,868
I look damn good in my dress.
325
00:13:56,870 --> 00:13:58,837
I'm sure you do.
326
00:14:02,808 --> 00:14:06,010
Wow, that's a pretty
sophisticated trap.
327
00:14:06,012 --> 00:14:08,379
You think the roadrunner's
going to fall for it?
328
00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:10,348
Okay, we get it.
You're skeptical.
329
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:12,517
But marshall and I,
we're believers.
330
00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:13,985
We believe.
331
00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:16,788
The universe is mysterious
and awesome.
332
00:14:16,790 --> 00:14:20,325
You've got the bermuda triangle,
ghosts, bigfoot.
333
00:14:20,327 --> 00:14:23,962
Bad maps, creaky houses,
hillbilly in a gorilla suit.
334
00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:25,029
Aliens.
335
00:14:25,898 --> 00:14:27,999
Oh, come on,
you've got to give me aliens.
336
00:14:28,001 --> 00:14:29,901
Stonehenge, area 51,
337
00:14:29,903 --> 00:14:32,036
There's alien crap
all over the place.
338
00:14:32,038 --> 00:14:33,671
You can't be serious.
339
00:14:33,673 --> 00:14:36,774
My friend,
you just poked the bear.
340
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,879
So my 9.6--
341
00:14:40,881 --> 00:14:43,548
Beautiful, charming,
intelligent,
342
00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:45,049
Engaged.
343
00:14:45,051 --> 00:14:46,551
Oh, ted.
344
00:14:46,553 --> 00:14:47,585
I'm so sorry.
345
00:14:47,587 --> 00:14:48,820
Yeah, it was a long shot.
346
00:14:48,822 --> 00:14:50,688
I told her to call me anyway
if she changes her mind,
347
00:14:50,690 --> 00:14:52,056
But I don't know.
348
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:54,492
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's not skip over this.
349
00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:58,963
Raise your hand if earlier today
you hit on an engaged woman.
350
00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:04,202
Come on, lily.
Don't hate the player.
351
00:15:04,204 --> 00:15:05,403
Hate the game.
352
00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:09,240
"on the night of July 2, 1947,
353
00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:12,577
Conditions were clear
over roswell, new mexico..."
354
00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:15,580
Oh, hey, ted, there's a message
on the machine for you.
355
00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:16,848
Dr. O'brien.
356
00:15:16,850 --> 00:15:17,749
What?
357
00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:20,251
"when suddenly an array of..."
358
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:23,388
Ted, hi, this is dr. O'brien.
359
00:15:23,390 --> 00:15:26,758
About today, listen, I really
need to talk to you.
360
00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:29,227
Call me.
I'll be at the office all day.
361
00:15:29,229 --> 00:15:32,664
The doctor will see you now.
362
00:15:38,204 --> 00:15:40,071
I should totally
go down there, right?
363
00:15:40,073 --> 00:15:41,239
Don't interfere.
364
00:15:41,241 --> 00:15:44,275
Some guy is expecting to marry
this woman on Saturday.
365
00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:46,244
Yeah, an 8.5 guy.
366
00:15:46,246 --> 00:15:48,146
Look, if I was marrying
the wrong person
367
00:15:48,148 --> 00:15:50,114
And the right person was
out there and knew it,
368
00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:52,617
I'd want that person to come
down to my dermatology office
369
00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:53,718
And tell me so.
370
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:54,919
In that scenario,
371
00:15:54,921 --> 00:15:56,988
I'm not interfering,
I'm a happy ending.
372
00:15:56,990 --> 00:15:59,791
Happy ending.
373
00:15:59,793 --> 00:16:00,992
Look, I have
to go down there.
374
00:16:00,994 --> 00:16:02,427
I don't know what's going
to happen when I get there,
375
00:16:02,429 --> 00:16:03,795
But I've got to
give it a shot.
376
00:16:03,797 --> 00:16:05,296
All right, see you later.
377
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:06,431
Happy hunting.
378
00:16:06,433 --> 00:16:07,765
Wait, where
are you guys going?
379
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:09,934
Don't you want to stay
and see the cock-a-mouse?
380
00:16:09,936 --> 00:16:12,704
Yeah, we're going to go
make some crop circles.
381
00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:17,942
Oh, my god!
382
00:16:17,944 --> 00:16:19,811
Holy crap buckets.
We got it.
383
00:16:19,813 --> 00:16:22,280
What do we do with it?
Calm down.
384
00:16:22,282 --> 00:16:23,481
I have a plan.
385
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:24,949
I told my friend
sudeep about it.
386
00:16:24,951 --> 00:16:27,185
He wants to show it to the
columbia biology department.
387
00:16:27,187 --> 00:16:29,320
But it has to be alive.
388
00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:30,755
Wait, no, no!
389
00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:32,490
They'll do lab
experiments on it.
390
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,325
That's so mean.
391
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:36,894
Shouldn't we just beat it
to death with a bat?
392
00:16:41,166 --> 00:16:43,234
Hello again.
393
00:16:45,372 --> 00:16:49,640
I would prefer to say this
to you in person.
394
00:16:49,642 --> 00:16:50,708
Go ahead, sarah.
395
00:16:50,710 --> 00:16:52,844
You can tell me anything.
396
00:16:52,846 --> 00:16:55,713
You have
a basal cell carcinoma.
397
00:16:55,715 --> 00:16:59,484
Anything else?
398
00:16:59,486 --> 00:17:01,619
Your mole.
399
00:17:01,621 --> 00:17:03,354
The biopsy came back.
400
00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:04,455
It's not life-threatening,
401
00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:06,691
But we should excise
the rest of it.
402
00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:08,659
Wait, then you're still
getting married?
403
00:17:08,661 --> 00:17:10,828
Of course I'm still
getting married.
404
00:17:10,830 --> 00:17:12,397
But we're a 9.6.
405
00:17:12,399 --> 00:17:14,298
Excuse me?
406
00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:15,199
Okay.
407
00:17:15,201 --> 00:17:18,036
I went to love solutions,
and I saw
408
00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:19,470
On ellen pierce's
computer,
409
00:17:19,472 --> 00:17:20,705
That you and I are a 9.6.
410
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:22,040
Your fiancé is only
411
00:17:22,042 --> 00:17:22,974
An 8.5.
412
00:17:22,976 --> 00:17:24,509
You looked at my file?
413
00:17:24,511 --> 00:17:26,544
I had to.
You're my only match.
414
00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:28,546
Aren't you even
a little curious?
415
00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:29,881
The woman who set you up
with your fiancé
416
00:17:29,883 --> 00:17:31,482
Thinks we're a better match.
417
00:17:31,484 --> 00:17:34,485
I am getting married
on Saturday.
418
00:17:36,388 --> 00:17:39,390
♪summer breeze...
Ted.
419
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:41,993
Look, don't you think
you're being a little impulsive
420
00:17:41,995 --> 00:17:43,761
Marrying a guy you just met
a few months ago?
421
00:17:43,763 --> 00:17:45,997
Don't you think
it's a little impulsive for you
422
00:17:45,999 --> 00:17:48,566
To proposition an engaged woman
you don't even know?
423
00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:50,902
See?
We're both impulsive.
424
00:17:50,904 --> 00:17:52,403
We're perfect for each other.
425
00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:54,005
Ted, just calm down.
426
00:17:54,007 --> 00:17:56,741
Calm down?!
You're my only match.
427
00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:58,109
God, there was a computer
428
00:17:58,111 --> 00:18:01,512
And there were eight fish
in a sea full of lesbians and...
429
00:18:01,514 --> 00:18:02,814
Okay, ted, ted.
430
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:05,917
Do you honestly believe,
deep down,
431
00:18:05,919 --> 00:18:08,086
That there is no one else
out there for you
432
00:18:08,088 --> 00:18:10,321
Just because some computer
says so?
433
00:18:11,557 --> 00:18:14,592
I didn't used to.
434
00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:17,895
But there was math.
I got confused.
435
00:18:17,897 --> 00:18:19,564
Love isn't a science.
436
00:18:19,566 --> 00:18:21,799
You can't calculate
a feeling.
437
00:18:21,801 --> 00:18:23,868
When you fall in
love with someone,
438
00:18:23,870 --> 00:18:27,438
An 8.5 equals a perfect ten.
439
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,607
You're right.
440
00:18:30,876 --> 00:18:32,443
If this thing is
what you say it is,
441
00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:34,612
It could be huge for my career.
442
00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:36,214
Brace yourself, dude.
443
00:18:36,216 --> 00:18:39,617
This is going to
blow your mind hole.
444
00:18:42,387 --> 00:18:43,721
You bastard.
445
00:18:43,723 --> 00:18:45,623
I actually got excited
about this.
446
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:46,657
What?
447
00:18:46,659 --> 00:18:50,128
It's empty.
448
00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:52,230
Wait, but if
it's not here,
449
00:18:52,232 --> 00:18:54,232
That means...
450
00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:55,166
Lily.
451
00:18:55,168 --> 00:18:57,802
Robin!
452
00:18:57,804 --> 00:19:00,304
What?
453
00:19:01,073 --> 00:19:03,841
Oh, my god.
It's real.
454
00:19:03,843 --> 00:19:05,510
No, is it?
455
00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:06,878
Do something.
456
00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:14,352
What the hell was that?
You trying to get it drunk?
457
00:19:14,354 --> 00:19:16,487
It was the only thing
I could think of.
458
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:18,523
Lily!
Thank god.
459
00:19:21,793 --> 00:19:23,528
Lily, I love you.
460
00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:26,998
Robin, open up the window!
461
00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:32,837
Open the window! Ah!
462
00:19:35,175 --> 00:19:38,009
It can fly.
463
00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:40,511
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
464
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:42,346
Be free, mutant beast.
465
00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:45,116
I'll miss
this private war of ours.
466
00:19:45,118 --> 00:19:47,118
I grew to admire
your tenacious...
467
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:49,720
Holy mother of god,
it's headed this way!
468
00:19:58,664 --> 00:20:00,131
Hi, ellen.
469
00:20:02,568 --> 00:20:04,502
I think I want
my money back.
470
00:20:04,504 --> 00:20:06,871
I'm a failure.
471
00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:08,506
I'm all washed up.
472
00:20:08,508 --> 00:20:10,074
I tried everything, ted.
473
00:20:10,076 --> 00:20:11,909
I widened the search parameters.
474
00:20:11,911 --> 00:20:13,678
I tweaked the program.
475
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:18,216
Last night I stood out
on the street for five hours
476
00:20:18,218 --> 00:20:21,452
Showing your photo to random
pedestrians. No takers.
477
00:20:22,654 --> 00:20:23,921
Although
this transvestite hooker
478
00:20:23,923 --> 00:20:25,423
Said he/she would do you
for half price
479
00:20:25,425 --> 00:20:27,191
Because you kind of look like
john cusack
480
00:20:27,193 --> 00:20:30,461
And his/her favorite movie
was say anything.
481
00:20:31,363 --> 00:20:33,531
Come on, ellen.
I mean, a pint of ice cream,
482
00:20:33,533 --> 00:20:34,899
Isn't that a bit cliché?
483
00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:37,902
It's for the bourbon.
484
00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:39,170
This isn't hopeless.
485
00:20:39,172 --> 00:20:40,538
You're going to find
someone for me.
486
00:20:40,540 --> 00:20:42,240
No, I won't.
487
00:20:42,242 --> 00:20:44,275
You're going to die alone.
488
00:20:44,277 --> 00:20:46,577
I'm not going to die alone.
489
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:49,046
Look at me.
I'm bright, I'm attractive.
490
00:20:49,048 --> 00:20:51,015
You just got to get back
out there and keep looking.
491
00:20:51,017 --> 00:20:52,917
No, you're never going
to find anybody.
492
00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:54,685
And every year
you're just getting older
493
00:20:54,687 --> 00:20:56,721
And it's getting
harder and harder.
494
00:20:56,723 --> 00:20:58,022
You're being ridiculous.
495
00:20:58,024 --> 00:20:59,690
I'm going to be up on that wall
one of these days.
496
00:20:59,692 --> 00:21:00,691
No, you won't!
497
00:21:00,693 --> 00:21:01,926
Yes, I will!
498
00:21:01,928 --> 00:21:03,561
How do you know?
499
00:21:03,563 --> 00:21:05,863
I don't know, but I believe.
500
00:21:05,865 --> 00:21:08,132
Hell, if a cockroach and a mouse
501
00:21:08,134 --> 00:21:09,634
Can find love
in this crazy city,
502
00:21:09,636 --> 00:21:11,702
Then, damn it, so can I.
503
00:21:11,704 --> 00:21:13,571
You're losing me.
504
00:21:13,573 --> 00:21:16,641
The point is, something good's
going to happen to me.
505
00:21:16,643 --> 00:21:18,142
Maybe your computer will help,
506
00:21:18,144 --> 00:21:20,511
Maybe it won't,
but it'll happen.
507
00:21:22,614 --> 00:21:24,115
So I should keep looking?
508
00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:26,284
Of course you should.
509
00:21:26,286 --> 00:21:30,721
And now, you're going
to do it for free.
33328
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