All language subtitles for Everybody.Loves.Raymond.S01E22.Why.Are.We.Here.720p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-BS

- Okay, see this radish?
That's going to be mars.

That's earth's
next-door neighbor here.

- Hey, debra,
I got to use your dryer.

Ours is out of whack,

And I got a handball game
in two hours.

- Yeah, but, frank,
I have a whole--

- I can't tell whether
marie washed these

Or if they're still damp
from Tuesday's game.

- [sighs]

Okay, I'm sorry, honey.

Now, where were we?

- Debra, look,
do me a favor.

I'm calling channel 11.

Ask the lady which
"twilight zone" is on tonight.

- Oh, robert, no.
Why don't you ask her that?

Come on.
- She knows my voice.

- I can't--

Yeah, hello, hello?

Uh, yeah.

Can you tell me
which episode of, uh--

- "twilight zone."

- "twilight zone"
is on tonight, please?

Yeah.

Okay.
Thank you.

Lady picks up a hitchhiker
who turns out to be death.

You know, you would think
death is a big guy,

But he's a little guy.

Genius.

- My shorts are riding along

With some
of your fine washables.

- Debra, these potatoes
are great.

- Robert, those are
for company tonight.

Come on.
Ray!

- Hey, what's going on?
- How you doin'?

- Your brother came over
to find out what episode

Of "twilight zone"
is on tonight.

- Oh, which one?
- "death, the hitchhiker."

- Little guy?
- Yeah.

- Good one.
- Mm-hmm.

- Little guy.

Dad, what are
you doing here?

- He's waiting
for his shorts to dry.

Where's my pot roast?

- Oh, well,
that's over at my house.

- What?
What's it doing over there?

- Oh, when I smelled it earlier,
it definitely needed some work.

- What?
- See, I drained it.

And now I'm readjusting
the spices.

- What, you got it up
on the lift over there, ma?

- Marie, I made that roast
for company tonight.

- But listen, call me
later this afternoon.

I'll let you know
how it's going.

- You don't need to go
into my refrigerator--

[all talking at once]

- No, I think
it's time we should--

Maybe we should leave.

Follow me.
- Hey, what about my shorts?

- Dad, nobody's
going to touch 'em, all right?

- Well, I'm just trying to help.

- Help me now, please.
- Okay, okay.

- Robert, please.
Come on.

- Bread?

- Yeah, yeah,
you can have it.

- Ray, am I a bad person?

- No.
No.

- Because I am having
some bad thoughts.

- Well,
they'll do that to you.

- My god, I just can't
take any more.

Let's just move, huh?

- Believe me,
I would love to, okay?

We can't right now.

- Well, when can we?

- Five seconds
after we can afford it.

- I-I would never have thought
that I would miss

Our little apartment in queens.

- Come on, that apartment
was tiny and cramped and noisy.

- Yeah, and your parents would
only visit every other month.

- I loved that place.
- I know.

Remember, we just had
that little kitchenette?

- Yeah, remember
the cozy little bedroom?

- Yeah, and we had that
cute little love seat.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Oh--
[sighs]

Why did we ever leave?

- Hmm.

- You all done, ally?

Mommy will help you, okay?

Oh, that looks nummy.

Yeah--mmm!

- Found it!

Ha, ha.

Come on,
it's my last year.

Yeah, grab me the ice cream,
will you?

- Ice cream.

- Yep.

- We only got three more.

- That's all right.
I don't need a bowl.

- We could just tie it
around your neck

And keep your hands
free for cookies.

- Okay.

So, hey.

Tomorrow's
the big sonogram.

Going to know everything.

- No, no.
I told you.

I don't want to know
what's in there

Besides the ice cream.

- Okay, fine,
I won't tell you,

But I want to know
this time.

- My mother said
you're having a boy, okay?

You're carrying low,
and your nose is bulbous.

- You should be happy

No matter what
we have, ray, okay?

You shouldn't be
rooting for a boy.

- I'm not rooting.
- Oh.

- I'm--we have a girl,

Which is the greatest gift
in the world.

To want another one
would be greedy.

- [chuckles]
yep.

[knock on door]

Yep, you're such
a philanthropist, ray.

- That's me.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hi, robert.
How are you?

- Uh, do you mind if I hang
around here for a while?

- Oh, sure.
You're always welcome here.

- I tell you, raymond,
you got it all:

A kid,
one on the way,

Love.

- Oh, boy.

You and joanne
fighting again?

- "again" implies we stop.

Know why she yelled
at me today?

I was playing ping-pong
during lunch.

- What?
- What's wrong with that?

- I had fun without her.

- You know, you two
have to talk this stuff out.

- I try.
I'm very big on communication.

I can talk a guy
off a bridge,

But when it comes
to my wife--

[jabbering]

- All right, it's bad.
It's bad; it's bad.

Okay, robert,
it's bad.

- All right.
No, no.

All right, I'm not going to
let it drag me down.

If she doesn't want me,
I'm sure there are

Plenty other women
out there who...

Might.

- Listen, I'm sure
it's all going to work out.

- Yeah, well,
I hope so for her sake.

She could end up
a divorced 40-year-old

Living
in her parents' basement.

[laughs]

Huh!

- Here, oh, come on,
there you go.

You eat your potatoes.

Mmm, see how good they are?

Come on,
these are yummy.

Watch.
Watch me.

Mmm.
See?

- Good?

- Yeah, they're good.
They're yummy.

Come on,
you like potatoes.

And look, you haven't even
touched your corn, come on.

- Hi.

- Hi, daddy.

- How did it go?

And please don't give up
too much information.

How'd the sonogram go?

- Ray, you are not
going to believe--

- No, no,
tut-tut-tut-tut!

You-you're giving it away
right there!

- I didn't even
say anything.

- You had that "it's a girl"
look on your face.

- Did not.

- See, now you're telling me
that it's a boy now.

- Stop yelling!
You're making me hungry!

- I'll stop yelling
if you stop telling me

What the baby is.

Just tell me
is it healthy?

- Yes.
- That's enough.

- And--
- bup-bup-buh!

- Fine.
Okay.

You'll find out
in four months.

- Thank you.

So you're--you're thinking
of names now?

- Yeah, a little.

- Are you thinking
of names like geoffrey?

- Do you want to know,
or not?

- No.
No.

No.

Unless you can't rest
until I know.

- Okay, come here, ray,
come on.

Just--
just come here.

- Should I?

- Yes, come on.
Sit down.

- You know already,
right?

- Just--

Look at this, okay?

[clears throat]

- I don't know what the hell
I'm looking at.

- Okay, let me show you
your handiwork.

[clears throat]

There's a leg.

- Right.

- That's another leg.

- Uh-huh.

- And, uh--oh!

What's that in between?

- Is that an arm?
- It's not an arm.

- You're damn right
it's not an arm!

I knew it!

I knew
it was a boy!

Oh, you did it, bulbous.

Oh, this is unbelievable!

A girl would've been great too,

But it's a boy!

Ha, ha, ha!

- Wait, wait, wait.
Come here, come here.

I got to tell you
something else.

- I'm dizzy.

- Come here.
Look.

Come here.
Okay.

There's his little...Something.

- Uh-huh.
Ooh, look at it!

- Cute, right?

And then...

There....Is
another little something.

- What does that mean?

- Ray, it's--
it's twins, ray.

- What?

- Two boys.

- What, right now?

- Mm-hmm.

- In here?
- Yeah.

Are you happy?

Yeah.

- This is unbelievable.

This is--
it's fantastic.

I--somebody has to show me

How to do a cartwheel
right now.

- Don't look at me.

- But how does that happen?

Twins don't run
in our family.

I'll bet it's 'cause
I switched to boxers, huh?

Oh, did I kiss you
already?

- Yeah, but you can--
- mmm.

Oh, show me again.

- See?

There's a little something--
- uh-huh.

- And there's another
little something.

- Am I a man, or what?

Uh!
Oh!

In school, they used to play
keep-away with my hat.

Look at me now!

- You showed 'em, baby!

- Huh?
Huh, oh.

You know, when you showed me
two somethings,

Twins didn't pop
into my head.

For a second, I thought my son
was going to make a living

Winning bar bets.

Oh, this is great!

- Oh, honey,
this is so wonderful!

I've never seen you
this way.

- Well, you've never given me
twin sons before.

Oh, this the greatest.
It's the greatest!

Everything
I've ever wanted.

It's like I'm never going to
worry about anything ever again.

Oh, no.

- What?
What are you talking about?

You just got everything
you ever wanted.

- Yeah, but where
are we going to put it?

- Here's a two-bedroom
apartment in elmont.

- Elmont?
No.

Take a look.

Here's the tri-state area.

Now, here's where
my mom and dad live,

So anything
within this circle

Is too close
to my parents' house.

- Ray, would you put that away?

They're going to be here
any minute!

- You're not listening.

If my mom can cook sauce

And get it to our house
before it's cold,

She's going to be over
every day.

Uh-uh.

We'll call this
"the hot zone."

- I like her sauce.

- Let me finish,
please.

Now, anything
within this zone

Is going to be about
a once-a-week visit, okay?

Now, here,
farthest away--

Best zone, right?
Wrong!

'cause if we move here
and they visit,

They become
overnight guests.

Okay, so the middle zone
is our target area.

It's too close
for an overnight,

Too far for sauce.

- Well, speak for yourself, ray,

'cause I have no problem
with your parents.

Take it down, okay?
Put it away.

Hi!
- Hi!

Oh--
- oh--

So good to see you.

Come on in!

Frank, hi!
Oh.

- Hi, sweetheart.
How are you?

- Come on in.

- I brought you
some whole milk.

Ally needs more calcium
now that she's walking.

- Oh, that is so sweet.
Thank you so much.

Hey!

- Hi, sweetheart!
Ooh--

- Ooh, there's ally.

Let me get a few whiffs
from the fountain of youth.

[sniffs]
there it is.

I'm sucking in the youth.
There's the magic!

- Dad, dad, you're slobbering.
Stop.

- Oh, come on,
leave him alone.

He's cute.
Yeah.

[knock on door]

- Get the door, cutie.

- Hey, everybody.

- Hey, robert.

- Where's joanne?

- Not coming.
We had a fight.

- What's the matter?
She catch you smiling?

[laughs]

- We're glad
you're here, robert,

'cause we have
some news.

- Hey, let me tell 'em.
Let me tell 'em.

- What, what is it?
- Sit down, sit down.

Debra went for
her sonogram today.

- Ooh!
Really?

- What are we having?

- Take a guess.

- Well, you already
have a girl,

So with raymond's luck,
I'm guessing...

A boy?

- No.

- A girl?

You're having
another girl?

You're going to have
two girls.

[laughs]

- Uh--it's, uh--

It's twin boys.

- Oh, my god!

- Two sons!
It's a dynasty!

- Well...
Look at raymond go.

- It's incredible.
Isn't it incredible?

- Oh, incredible.
Oh, honey.

How are you?
How do you feel?

You hungry?

You want me to make
you something?

- No, no, I'm okay.

- 'cause you should eat
whatever you want.

- Oh, she is,
believe me.

She is, yeah.

- 'cause if a pregnant woman
craves something

And doesn't get it,

The baby's born
with a birthmark

Shaped just like
that food.

- That's why ray
has a big cannoli

On his ass.

- [laughs]

I'll bring you over
a meatloaf tomorrow.

- Oh, I would
love that, marie,

But, you know, ray and I
are going to go look

At some bigger
apartments tomorrow.

- Hey, hey, what's that,
you're moving?

- Why don't you use
your father?

He still has
his broker's license.

- Yeah, I got
a little house

That'd be just
perfect for you.

- A house?
- Sure, a house.

Picket fence,
twin boys--

What a pretty picture.

- I got a little exclusive
that fell right into my lap.

- Yeah, dad, you know,
we're not looking for houses.

- Well, why not?

- We can't afford it.

- What afford?

No money down,
no points,

Balloon at the end.

Siegfried and roy
will be out of school

Before you make
your first payment.

- Where is it?

- It's in a great neighborhood
out on the island.

- Siegfried and roy?

- It's a great place
to raise kids.

- Oh, my god, ray,
we should look at it.

- Yeah, good schools,
easy commute.

- I guess it wouldn't hurt
to take a look at it.

- That's wonderful!

And you'll never find
better neighbors,

I mean, than the couple
that live across the street.

- Uh, who are they?

You're kidding.

- No.

- Yeah--

- How about that yard?

- Oh, it's nice.
Really big, frank.

- Nothing more important
in a kid's life

Than a big backyard.

Pitch a tent,
bury a cat--

Remember whiskers?

- Yeah, dad.

- Still in our yard

If you want to pay
your respects.

- It's really
a great house, frank.

- Yeah, and we're
right across the street.

You know the three rules
of real estate--

Location, location,
location!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
great location.

You know, why don't I just
talk to debra

For a minute or two?

- Okay, okay,
you go ahead.

I'll just go upstairs
and turn the lights off

Before we lock up.

Help yourself
to coffee and donuts.

They're complimentary.

- You know, we--

We might not have to move,
really.

- Wha--

We need a bigger place, ray.

We're having twins.

- Well, how big a place
do they need?

Look where they live now.

- Can I ask you
something?

When are you going to
get over your parents?

- Debra, you don't understand
what they're like.

They're going to
get you too.

- I know what
they're like, ray.

They're very nice people.

- No!

You only see them
every other month.

It's not the same.

- You know,
you're overreacting.

Completely overreacting.

- Close your eyes
for a second.

- Why?
- Just close your eyes.

I want to show you
something.

Boink!
- What are you doing?

- See? Okay, that's my mom
and dad right there.

They're just
a little annoying.

Now, if I don't--

If I don't do that
for another two months--

Hey, that's not too bad,

I could almost
live with that.

We move across the street
from them--

How does this feel?

Boink! Boink! Boink!
- Oh, ray!

- Boink! Boink! Boink!

You see?

They get you.

- Look, first of all,
your parents are not this, okay?

Secondly,

They're not going to be over
every day.

- Oh, you poor,
blind, fat lady.

This is not the house for us;
that's all.

We have to keep looking.

- I don't want to keep looking.

- Why?
Why?

We can find something else
just like this.

- But this house
is right by your parents!

- Oh, my god.

Oh, my god, do you hear
what you're saying?

It's the hormones.
That's--that's--

Tell me it's the hormones.

You got twice the hormones
going now.

You don't know
what you're saying.

- Ray, in four months,

We're going to have
three kids, okay?

I'm going to need
all the help I can get.

Who better to help us
than your parents?

- The devil.

- Do you remember
how much work it was

When ally was born?

And, you know,
no offense,

But you were...

You.

- All right,
I'll quit softball.

- You don't get it, ray.

Your parents
living across the street

Is the big
selling point here.

Listen.

You know, I-I know
that you don't see it now,

But in time,
you will come to realize

What a blessing it is
to have your family so close.

Come on, ray.

Our two boys, huh?

Don't we want
to give them everything?

Let's give 'em grandma
and grandpa, too, huh?

- Hmm--
- oh, thank you!

Oh, I love you, ray.
Thank you so much.

Oh, my god!
We bought a house!

[laughs]

Hey, guess what.
We're taking it!

- Ah, that's great!
That's great!

You won't be sorry.

I tell you something else
I just learned about this house.

That plumbing
can take a punch.

- Oh, my god.

What did I do?
What did I do?

- Pretty stupid, huh?
- Oh, I'll say.

You know,
this was all your fault.

- Me?

- Ray, what did I know?
I was carrying twins.

I had no blood
in my brain.

- Hey, my shorts dry yet?

- Listen, sweetie,
the pot roast--

I did all I could.

It didn't make it.

But I brought you some ziti
for your company.

You can tell 'em
that you made it.

- Where do you want it, ma?

- Right in there, sweetie,
just move things around.

- All right, good.
- Okay.

Oh, these potatoes
are no good.

- What do you mean?
We love these potatoes.

Look at this.
There's a potato for the boy.

- No, no, no, no,
don't give him that.

I'll make him
some good potatoes.