All language subtitles for Matt.Rife.Only.Fans.2021.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

Okay.

Downloaded from
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What about ... Problematic?

Grandpa Steve:
No.

Toy Boy?

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

Grandpa Steve:
No.

Okay.

Well, what do you think I should call it?

Grandpa Steve:
It doesn't matter what you call it,

they're just there to see you naked.

Okay, Papaw.

Alright, I got to go.

I love you.

Grandpa Steve:
Love you, too.

Bye.

Grandpa Steve:
Bye.

Vic Mensa "Rage":
♪ Command, we've lost control.

The engine's bound to crash.

The lightning strikes went bright.

Do not go gently.

It's just my luck.

You shot my bluff down from a thousand miles.

I'm falling fast.

I'm falling fast.

I want you to rage into the night.

I want you to blaze into the light.

Before your final flight.

But boy, you're fine, you're fine.

I want you to rage into the night.♪♪

Matt Rife:
Okay, okay, sit down.

Thank you.

Thank you. Oh, man.

Wow. Some of y'all didn't stand.

You were unsure, I get it.

It's all right. I'll earn it! That's okay.

How y'all doing? Y'all good?

Audience member:
Yeah!

Oh, man.

Thank you all so much for coming.

Oh...

You guys, uh ...

ready to be offended?

Audience member:
Yes!

No, don't fucking say that.

And then go on Twitter afterwards...

Like, oh Matt has some opinions of his own and...
end my fucking career. Okay?!

Just wanna have a good time tonight, alright.

Comedy almost isn't fun.

Okay.

Having to adhere to everybody's sensitivities.

Since when?

That shit is so new.

Remember, like three years ago when no one gave a fuck

about how you felt?

Like three years ago if you were in public

and were like: “I don't like...” a stranger will come up and be like,

“Shut up, bitch!” and punch you in your chest.

Like, ahh! Now I hurt on the outside and the inside!

Ahhh!

I feel like we've gotten so sensitive as a society man.

We've gotten so soft...

Like fresh-out-the-pool-dick, soft...

Only the fellas understand that
you get out that cold water,

you don't even recognize yourself anymore.

You’re like: Who’s dick is this?!

Who put a baby dick on me?!

That’s how I feel like we are,
as a society man just on soft.

It's exhausting.

So I'm glad we could all come together for a night of laughter.

It's good to see y'all

black people

good to see y'all.

White people

sitting in the back, how’s it feel?

Well you’re smiling, good.

I'm glad you're in a good mood.

Did you say sorry today?

Did you say sorry to a black person today?

Get your Venmo out right now.

Cash app every black person in here $5!

Gets you through the rest of the show.

We're going to get these reparations one way or another.

Okay? I'm sorry it took so long.

I just got here. Alright?

Y'all got to learn how to take bitcoin or something,

But we gonna figure it out.

Oh, white people been so sorry in 2021,
Haven’t they?

Oh, my God.

It's been my favorite show to watch.

Just white people trying to out woke each other

in front of black people. .. because it’ll always start reasonable

and then just gradually get out of hand

like white person number one will start low.

Well, you know, I voted for Obama

two times in a row.

You’re like: alright, solid politics.

Okay. Now white person number two has to top Obama.

So he's like, That's crazy.

I was just talking about how Jesus was black

and...

You’re like: Yeah, well, walked on water, probably couldn't swim...

It might check out.

Now white person number three is going to top Obama and black Jesus.

He's panickin’ he says some ignorant shit like:

Well, Madea's my favorite franchise!

You’re like: Gotcha!

Liar!

Madea is nobody's favorite franchise, okay?
Not even black people’s.

Okay you are reaching.
I think it goes Soul Plane then Madea movies.

God.

Arrgh! It's all this white guilt!

It's heavy.

It's starting to feel like alcoholism a little bit.

And like every room I enter is like a

AA meeting where I got to plead my case.

I feel like I have to enter every situation

Like: Hey, guys, my name is Matt.

Just want to introduce myself, let you know

I do identify as a straight white male.
And everybody's like:

Boo!

Your like I know I know I'm trash,
but I would really appreciate it

if you use my proper pronoun:

“The problem.”

What an uncomfortable time...

to be a straight white male.

It's a tough time for my people.

For once. You know?
It’s...you gotta know when to fold them, you know what I mean?

We stayed in the game too long, we...

can't be doing that. Coming back to haunt us. Hard.

Rightfully so.

It's just uncomfortable because to be a straight white male in 2021,

you're kind of guilty by association, aren’t you?

Which is a shitty place to be if you didn't do anything.

Like I just turned 25.

I just got here.

You know what I mean? Like I didn't do anything.

I'm a new white!

Like, give me a chance...

Give me a chance to white my wrongs.

You know what I mean? Like...

I just want to sing along to some songs, you know what I mean?

Just give me a chance. It wasn’t...

It's not my fault.

It's not like I made the conscious decision to be born

a straight white male.

I probably would have...

Historically speaking why not be on a
winning team, you know what I mean?

But I didn't get to choose it wasn't my decision.

Therefore, I can't...

I can't apologize for it.

That’d be weird. And you don't have to.

That's the thing. You don't have to apologize for it.

Just be a decent fucking human being!

Is that too much to ask?

Listen to the sound of white guilt, ah...

music to my ears.

I don't have to apologize for it.

And I won't.

I'll apologize for being born a straight white male

when LeBron James apologizes for being six foot nine.

Didn't choose this life...

just happened to be born that way.

Right?

And they both have their own set of perks, don't they?

Like, sure, he can do a fucking windmill...

360 dunk, and I...

can raise my voice to the police.

So it's.

It's a give and take, you know what I mean?

Like, I’d love to yam on a motherfucker,

but I guess I'll just get out of this ticket.

Gotta choose your superpower, man.

Life ain't fair for everybody.

Okay?

Make white people uncomfortable: check!

I'm so happy to be shooting this in L.A.,

I love L.A..

I love it because I'm not from here.

So I have perspective.

I'm actually from Ohio.

Yeah, that's right.

That felt as welcoming as it should have.

If you've never been to Ohio, you don't gotta.

You absolutely don't. I don't care who died there.

Send an email. Okay.

You do not have to go.

It's so trash.

Oh, my God.

I'm not even from, like, a fun part of Ohio.

I didn't get, like, Cleveland or Cincinnati.

Nothing fun.

I'm from the middle of nowhere,

like hour west of Columbus, surrounded by cornfields.

Country. “The Sticks,” we call it.

Population like 1500 people.

Like the kind of small town where like

the gas station’s, also the grocery store...

You know what I mean? Fuck around get some
sandwiches and some diesel.

You here? Why not save a trip?

My hometown was so country man.

We used to have...

We used to have Drive Your Tractor To School Day.

I swear to God.

Do you guys remember school spirit week?

Where like every day of the week

would have a theme to it, like Pajama Day or Twin Day.

We would have one day in that week

when like the rich kids will pull up and just fucking flex on us.

John Deere style.

And the women in my school would just get wet like, Oh my Lord,

he's got land! Cuz that's all.

people cared about where I was from was fucking farming,

Like you didn't need eight inches if you had eight acres

like that was

that was the biggest flex you could come with.

You compete with a farmer.

If he's plowing land, he can plow your bitch

straight up like there's just nothing you could do.

Nothing you could do.

But it's the type of small town where, like,

life just kind of dissipates.

You know what I mean, like,
everyone lives the exact same life timeline.

Like, you, you.

You go to high school, you get pregnant,

then you graduate maybe.

And then you get a job, get married, and so on, and so forth

then you die in this hometown, it’s depressing nothing to do,

nothing to do for fun there.

Everybody just drinks and does drugs,

but not cool like we do it, you know,

Theirs is because they're sad.

So depressing, man.

I didn't realize drugs were as big of a problem when I was living there.

Apparently it’s gotten worse.

I found out about three or four weeks ago
this kid who I went to school with

he's like two grades older than me.

We didn't know each other too well.

But there was only like 300 people in a school,
so we kind of know each other.

Found out like three or four weeks ago, this kid, um...

OD'd from heroin

in this town at his job.

The same job he got when we were in high school.

He lived and died there.

And obviously the whole town got together

and they mourned the loss of their dealer

and, no, guys, don't get weird, okay?

There was ... no, there's a silver lining moment.

The whole town, I swear to God, they started a Go Fund Me

and they raised enough money so that they
could get him a memorial bench

at his favorite park,

which I thought

was a really sweet memento, you know,
to provide other people seating...

to do their heroin.

I've never done heroin, but I imagine

you want to sit down.

Okay, whatever you guys don't know him.

Okay, I'm just giving you a little perspective

that I could have been a bench! Okay?

but I'm not.

I’m nothing like where I'm from. It's so weird.

I'm good looking...

I don't like it any more than you guys do.

Okay, this is not good for comedy.

Okay, and it’s so weird for me.
My looks are so confusing to me

because you guys haven't known me my entire life,

so you have no context of this. But...

this shit just happened.

Puberty hit me so disrespectfully late.

I was ugly as shit for the first 22 years of my life.

I was so ugly for so long.

If I would have been on Wayfair,
they would have returned me immediately.

Like I was so ugly.

No don’t, “Oh..”, okay...

I spent the first 22 years of my life

building a personality for what?

You think I need to be funny now?

No, it's a fucking waste of my time, to be honest.

It’s gotten me nowhere.

And it's so weird because when you spend

so much of your life as one thing

and then you're drastically changed into something else overnight,

it fucks with you emotionally

like I still it's still so new to me that I don't quite grasp it.

It doesn't- I don't see myself that way.

Like I know I look like every fuck boy ever,

but I do identify as a ugly person.

So um, I think that does technically make me trans

Trans handsome—trandsome.

Yeah. We till we get our bathrooms.

It’s gonna be all mirrors.
Bunch of pretty people doin’ cocaine.

It’s gonna be dope, and
y’all can’t come.

And it's so weird, man.

It's such a drastic lifestyle change too, because

people treat you so differently.

Nobody likes attractive people, right?

You assume their lives are easier,

like there's no sympathy for pretty people at all,

which is another thing you guys might not know about me

is I have clinical depression and an anxiety disorder

and you guys are just waiting for the punchline.

That's how fucked up it is, that I could
come up here and vent to y’all..

Basically bein’ like: Help!

And y’all are like:
Get your cute ass outta here!

It's not funny.

Awesome. Okay, it's so weird.

There's no sympathy for pretty people.

No one gives a fuck how sad you are

if you have high cheekbones. At all.

People act like I don't have any problems at all.

I could be crying my eyes out in bed and people are just like, wh-...

what could you possibly be so upset about, huh?

I bet you're just swimming in pussy and it's like,

Yeah, but

you know what?

I'm not swimming in? Self-confidence! Security.

Believe it or not, someone who listens to me, I can't even hang myself

because my jaw line will cut the fucking rope

and I'm just on the ground.

Handsome.

Even if I did die, it's gotta be a open casket.

People like.

God damn, he looks good in a suit.

That's really nice.

That's ... blue was his color.

That is nice.

There is no sympathy for pretty people.

You guys are lucky.

Count your blessings, uggos...

Shit ain’t sweet up here either. Okay.

Everybody's dealing with shit.

I just want you to remember that.

Remember that.

Next time you're in bed having the worst day

crying your eyes out

Your friends are by your bedside or blowing up your phone.

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Is there anything we can do to make you feel better?

What's wrong?

Just remember

it means you're ugly.

I don't make up the rules. Okay.

I'm sorry if you were cute they’d be like

Get up bitch we’re going to the club.

3 milly rocks be right back to it.

No problem. But...

rules are rules.

It's weird because it's given me, um...

It's given me the perspective of...

not judging people based on how they look.

I'm a big fan of that.

That's why I like the masks.

Love it.

You don't know who's ugly with a mask on, do you?

It's kind of a fun game to play, isn't it?

Just walking through the grocery store like,

Does this bitch have a beak? Like you don't know...

You don’t know what people's situations
are you got to get to know them before you can judge.

Like you wouldn't be able

to just assume I'm a douchebag if I have my mask on.

You have no basis.

I can walk into any Starbucks with my mask on.

They would just think I'm any random lesbian.

You know what I mean?

I could be anybody.

Could be anybody.

I go in they’re like: What's your name?
I’m like: Matt.

They're like: You are so brave...

And the code to your bathroom is... 4, 7...

Man the masks made it so hard to holler at people, didn't it?

Because you don't know what 60% of their face

looks like that shit was so dangerous.

You ever talk to somebody for a while?

You're like, I got to know.

You've got to come up with some, like,

cute, clever way to get them to pull their mask down?

Say some dumb shit, like...

Have you smiled today?

I feel like you have a cute smile,
would you give me a smile real quick?

And you’ve been chatting forever

and she's been all eyes and she's like, Oh, I don't know.

I guess I could give you a

la la la la la la la la la ... d’OH!

God! Damn it!

Oh, my God.

I talk to you for an hour,

I gave you my time.

I had no idea.

But I like ‘em. I'm a big fan of not judging people

based on how they look.

Because if there's one thing we all have in common,

every single person in this room,
is that everybody's going through something.

Right? Everybody in here is dealing with
some shit that nobody else

has any idea about.

I go through shit all the time.

You guys would have no clue.

Like one thing you might not know is

I have terrible luck.

Bad random shit happens to me all the time.

And I'll tell you an incredibly embarrassing and humbling story.

I need a moment.

I’m just thirsty.

Uhh...

Last year

I had to have surgery...

on my nipples.

They're fine now.

You can stop looking.

Last year I ended up developing this freak medical condition.

Like this shit is so rare.

It only happens to like 12-year-old boys and 80-year-old men.

And somehow I'm both like, it's so rare.

My doctor looked me in my eyes.

I was like, I don't know why this happened to you.

I was like: First of all, I'm up here. Second...

don't not give me an answer, okay?

It's not very professional.

It was this freak condition that was causing the breast tissue,

the breast tissue under my pecs that...

bench about 285, 8 to 10 reps...

that’s neither here nor there.

It was causing the breast tissue to grow

incongruently under my nipples.

Now, before your imaginations start running

fucking wild, let me shut that down right now.

Okay.

Whatever image you're drawing up in your head, get it out of there.

It wasn't anything drastic at all.

If you had never see me shirtless

before, you would never even know the difference.

But you know your body, right?

If something's off just the littlest bit,

you notice it more than anybody else ever would.

So it was it was messing with me mentally.

Like, I wasn't I wasn't comfortable in my own skin.

I wasn't comfortable taking my shirt off.

My Instagram was suffering.

I was like, if it starts messing with business

You got to get it checked out.

So I go to the doctor

and he's like...

Yeah, you got it.

I'm like: up!

And so, what do we do?

He explains to me, that it's actually
an irreversible condition,

meaning it'll never just go away.

You can't take medicine for it.

You have to have it surgically removed from your body.

I was like, alright man,
what's the damage on something like that?

And he explains to me that this surgery is going to be $9,000,

nine racks

out of pocket, mind you, because technically it's cosmetic.

It's not life threatening.

So insurance doesn't cover it.

$9,000 in the middle of the pandemic,

which I don't know how much you guys know about standup comedy,

but this is the first time I've been inside in like two years, man.

I been performing in pickup trucks and Kmart parking lots

money has not been good to me.

I definitely didn't have $9,000

to drop on something that wasn't going to kill me.

Breast implants are $10,000.

So if you think my life is just, oh, so easy

and I have no problems at all, you go home

and you think about the dilemma that I had to sit with by myself

every night leading up to this, like, god damn...

Am I about to drop $9,000 on something that’s

ultimately cosmetic and really only affects how I feel about myself

and whoever it is that I'm intimate with...

Or do I drop $10,000...

get these titties

and clean up at the women's Olympics

Are you kidding me?

If I go full transition, it is over for you bitches.

I don’t even run track and field.

I'm placin’ bronze guaranteed.

Okay.

I'm a decent looking dude, but I'm a bad bitch.

Straight up.

Oh, I didn't need to tell you all that.

I don't have a sponsorship.

Somebody gonna buy this, and
White Claw would be like: yeah, 60 grand.

and Imma be like: It's all here, bro.

I don’t know.

I got nothing.

I'll let you suck one for 30 seconds, let’s-

That was weird. Um...

When I got this chin...

I thought things would be different.

I thought things would be easier

I thought dating would be easier. No...

Maybe it's me.

I'm. I'm very picky.

I'm so hard to date.

I have such a specific type.

I predominantly only date older women.

Just personal preference,

like late thirties, early forties.

Oh my god, such a sweet spot. Oh,

Audience member in the back:
Woo!

Well, not one’s who sit in the back...

This bitch is wooing from her
handicapped spot in the parking lot.

I also don't know if you match the criteria

It's got to be late thirties, early forties, man...

Because women are kind of like Captain Crunch, right?

Like they're the best right before their gross

Fuck y'all.

That's a solid cereal joke, okay?

Because if you fuck with Cap'n Crunch.

If you fuck with Cap’n Crunch, you know, it's a very fine window

if it tears your mouth up and it's oatmeal, okay?

It's a very fine line.

It's like 42, apparently.

Who knew?

Some of you are not laughing

cause you sittin’ there was some grits, and that's fine.

That's

snitch on yourself.

If you want to

We have a little brown sugar in the front row.

Put your dash on it.

That's how you holler.

No verbal communication needed.

I knew what that meant.

Older women are so dope, man.

Sometimes they got kids...

which means they got snacks.

I'm so easy, man. I can't cook at all.

I’ll fuck you for a Lunchable.

That's a fact. I'm so easy.

Are you kidding me?

If you have a crock pot, I will shut shit down

to the best of my ability.

I don't know.

I don't know who you were dating before me or what they were doing.

But I don't want to make false promises

because sex is hard.

It is.

Ladies, y’all have it so easy.

Oh, never heard that before?

I fully believe.

I fully believe women have sex so much easier than men.

Audience member:
Woo!

Oh, okay...

one ho in the back just like: Yeah! It just opens up...

It's crazy.

It just does its own thing.

Dudes... dudes come outta her pussy like this:

I think it’s so true!

It's so much less work.

All you technically have to do is like...

Mrh! You know what I mean? Like...

They... that's all... Just be punctual.

That's your only responsibility

is to be on time, because we will start without you.

That's the only requirement.

Do you realize...

Do you realize

as a man, like, there's a certain level of excitement

I have to get and I have to maintain this excitement the entire time

While I’m focusing on a million things.

I'm focusing on me. I'm focusing on you.

I'm switching positions.

It's a full court press.

The entire time..

You focusing so much that sometimes...

sometimes you go quick.

If you fuckers leave me

hanging on this right now like
I'm the only dude who's—at my special!

Ya’ll gonna disrespect me like this

Ya’ll ain’t shit, man.

Oh, oh.

I'm the only person ever to bust fast.

Hilarious, you guys.

Y'all ain't shit, you know that?

It happens—to the best of us, okay?

It doesn’t always need to be a big deal.

Be a big problem about it.

Would you be mad if your food came out early

at a restaurant?

No. You’d be like the chef is killin’ it!

I got all this time for activities.

I don't cum fast.

I just respect your schedule.

Okay?

I know you...

I know you got to take your kids
to school in the morning, so...

Sex is hard.

The build up is fun, though...

Like sexting...

Sexting is the most fun.

Oh, my God. Dudes love sexting.

We’re so good at it.

Because we're just lyin’, the whole time.

It's so easy.

We lie so much. We talk so much game...

of what we can't wait to do to y'all

when we see you—
we ain't doing none of that. Ever.

At all.

We’re like the J.K. Rowling of dick pics

like we just writin’ fairy tales...

of shit we are never going to do to y’all. Ever.

We set the bar too high we say crazy stuff

like ... like...

Girl when I see you imma...

Imma put you up against the wall!

Imma fuck you in the curtains!

like you ain't fucking nobody in the curtains.

You've been to my house, I got blinds

You want me to scratch my back up?

Not very practical.

I lied recently

that's how the game goes...

I was sexting with this girl and like,
I could see where she was going with it,

but like- it was just rude of her to assume

like... I was sexting with this girl

She was like...

I'm only 103 pounds

You could throw me around.

I responded. As a dude.

I was like, that's right!

But on the inside I was like,

That's...

That's more than you think it is, that's...

Fellas back me up on this. 103?!

Get the fuck out.

Oh, it's nothing?

It's light work? Pick me up, then how 'bout-

How about fuck your lower back?

How about that?

I haven't done a deadlift since 10th grade

now fuckin' you's gotta be leg day?

Now I got to fuck you with one of those weight trainer belts

that Mexicans wear in the gym for no reason?

Mexicans be in the gym doin' all arms

got a whole back brace

like, why you got jeans on?

You said some people didn't like that?

Well... it is what it is!

I know. I talk a lotta shit

but I'm the problem.

Uhh I'm...

I'm well aware ... I'm so picky!

I have a lot of red flags that I look for.

That's why, like, the first date's always the hardest

because you're look- ...
I feel like like you're looking for things to not like.

And that's so tough because...
there's a lot of shit I don't like.

I'll list a couple of red flags for it

and feel free to tell me if I'm out of pocket for not being

okay with some of these things.

Red flag number one

I don't fuck with girls who go on boats.

It's ho shit.

I feel like a lot of people in here

have been cheated on...

not on land.

That's what it feels...

But I'm happy to have y'all's support.

It's because it's insanity to me.

If you live in L.A.

and you date a hot girl for long enough, at some point

this chick will come to you and say something like, Babe,

there's just this guy, a friend of mine, who

who wants to just take me

and my eight hot girlfriends into the abyss!

Are you out of your fucking mind?

Why?!

Wha- stay dry!

Why? Like ... no!

People. Get fucked. On boats.

Boats. Were built. For fuckin'.

Since the beginning of boats people
been fuckin' on 'em.

B.O.A.T. Bring Out Ass & Titties.

It's been in front of us the whole time.

It's always

been an acronym.

My girl not gettin' on no boats.

no kayaks,

no canoes.

no, no, no paddle boats.

You're not working up a sweat next to another man.

I'm not dealing with it.

That's why women love Titanic so much.

Because it's a beautiful story about a chick
who cheats on her man

with a scrub...

while her boyfriend is on the ship!

No.

You say you like boats?

Get out.

Get out right now.

You got big boat energy right now

and I'm not fucking with it.

So that's the big one.

Umm...

Red flag number two:

I don't fuck with Ouija boards.

Obviously this only pertains to white women.

And you know what?

This shouldn't even be a story that I have to tell,

but it's been weighing heavy on my soul lately.

So I'll, I'll let y'all in.

A couple of years ago,

I was doing a show at a comedy club in Hollywood,

and I get off stage, and this beautiful girl comes up to me,

gives me her number.

This happens all the time.

And ... kidding.

She comes up to me, gives me her number, she's beautiful.

We go our separate ways for the evening.

The very next day she texted me and was like, Hey...

I want to come over.

I'm like, Bet.

Still got it.

You know what I mean?

So she comes over,

I let her in,

go sit on the couch, and it's me and her on the couch.

And then my roommate is down the hall in his room.

His door's open.

You can't see into the living room from his room.

But he hears all of this. He's a witness.

So we sit on the couch and for the first 2 minutes

I'm asking all the questions that guys

don't care about,

but we don't want to come across too eager.

So we ask silly questions like, you know, you got a family or...?

you know, those your real ears?

You didn't get your ears done?
Like ... vague shit

that we don't really care about at all.

So we're talking for like 2 minutes.

And then she hits me with,

Yeah, umm...

Do you have a Ouija board?

I'm like,

I don't

even have a headboard.

Nah, don't.

Don't got that on me.

Sorry.

And she goes, Well,

can we go to Target and get one?

I'm like, No,

I've got Disney+

that's what we're doing.

And she's not giving up.

She was like, Well, can I make one?

I'm like, What in the demonic charcuterie...

are you trying to bring into my home right now...

and ... I'm trying to hit?

So I'm like,

Yeah, sure.

If you can find the things in my apartment to make a Ouija board go.

Go ahead--Biggest mistake of my life.

This stranger who I just met starts ransacking my apartment.

She's opening every cabinet,

every cupboard, every closet, going through everything.

I don't know if you guys have ever seen a video

of when a deer accidentally gets inside

and it starts hittin' everything

like it's never seen walls before...?

But she's going crazy.

She finds a couple of markers to write stuff down.

She finds this little glass piece to be, like, the centerpiece.

And she's like,

That's how hard she's working.

She's out of breath.

We don't have something to make the board.

I was like, Damn, ya know, I...

guess we got to watch Monsters Inc.

Why don't you just sit on down?

And she goes, Hold on a second.

So she gets up and she goes over to the front door,

she opens the front door and she goes outside.

And my roommate comes down the hallway and is like,

And I'm like, I don't know!

So he goes over and slams the door shut behind her.

I laughed so hard, but again...

There's a mission at hand.

So I'm like, Alright stop playin'.

So I get up, I go open the door.

It's been 4 seconds.

I go, I open the door.

There's nobody out there.

She's gone.

So I'm like, Hey!

Ashley?

I'm going to shut the door.

And once it's shut, it's gonna stay shut.

You gonna be stuck out here...

I'm serious, Amanda!

All right, so I go.

I swing the door and turn around.

And straight out of a scary movie this chick's foot

BAH! Stops it right before closes

on the frame, I was like, Jesus Christ!

And here comes this chick

lugging in this giant piece of cardboard.

I'm like, Where did you get that?

She goes, It was just out there. Bitch,

No, it wasn't.

No, it was not just out there.

So she brings it in,

she sets it on the coffee table,

and we both sit on the couch.

I don't know where it came from. I got it.

I lift it up.

It's from the TV box I threw in the dumpster

four days prior.

This chick brought garbage

back into my home to summon the devil.

So, you know the sex is gonna be dope.

She's fuckin crazy! I'm in.
I gotta do it now, you know what I mean?

I mean, I never smashed a homeless chick before,

but she clearly brought all of her things

So she's like, All right, you ready to make one?

I'm like, I guess! Yeah...

So she draws it out.

And before I continue, does anybody not know what a Ouija board is?

Audience member:
Yeah.

Really?

You really don't know?

Oh, man.

Okay, well, first of all, God bless you,

You're so naive...

A Ouija board is...

Essentially it's a toy board that you can get from

any store like Walmart or Target or whatever.

It's, uhh...

And people use it to drunk text the dead essentially.

That's all it's good for, and it's a very simple layout.

It has the... the alphabet

right here, close, center, middle of the boards.

That's where, um...
the centerpiece is supposed to be guided

by a spirit to spell out certain words
to questions that you ask it.

So the middle is the alphabet, right corner is "No"

Left corner is "Yes"

Alphabet left "Yes"

"No."

"Yes" alphabet "No"

So she draws the whole thing up

and she's like, All right, so there's a couple of rules.

You have to know when you're going to play with the Ouija board.

I was like, Yeah, duh.

I mean, everybody knows that.

But refresh me again.

She was like, Rule number one,

you never play with it by yourself. Ever.

Okay,

rule number two,

you have to remember to say goodbye

because apparently you can't ghost the ghosts.

So she's like, Alright, let's play.

Okay.

So got our hands on the piece

and she's like, Alright we gotta ask it a question.

Alright go ahead! Alright, umm...

okay,

is there anybody here with us?

And you just hear my roommate down the hallway go, yeah,

his name is Brandon

and he fucking lives here.

Touché he pays rent...

which do you? ...no.

So she's like, Alright, I'll ask it another question.

Did anybody die here?

Doesn't move.

I'm like... This is crazy!...

She's like, Uh, well then you ask it something.

I'm like, Okay, umm...

Should we go lay down in my room?

Oh!... Oh!... Oh!

Well we don't want to piss off the dead, do we?

She was like, You're right.

So we go lay down this chick brings the

cardboard in the room with her.

She sets it at the foot of the bed

like it's a golden retriever.

Now we're under the covers

We're doin' more

makeshift conversation.

You know, I'm uh- you got...

dreams? Or... you know...

what's your favorite picture? Er, you know,

just vague shit I don't care about.

And about like 4 or 5 minutes after this.

She just knocks out, like,

not a subtle,
I'm starting to feel a little bit tired

Like, just straight. Yeah.

And then, like,

Zzzzzzz....

Like she is slumped.

and now it's her asleep, me under the covers,

and I'm staring down just terrified of this Samsung TV box.

And all I could think is

this bitch

didn't say goodbye!

Now I'm terrified up by myself.

I'm trying to wake her up.

I'm like, Hey!... Hey...

Allison? ... Hey!

Great.

She's asleep...

Now I gotta play with it by myself.

So I start jerking off and she wakes up
straight out of an exorcism.

And was like, What are you doing?

And I was like, Oh God!

And I swear to God, I spirit left my body

and hit her right in the face.

It was the craziest thing...

I've ever seen.

Oh, God.

I never saw her again.

I never saw her.

To this day, I'm not convinced she wasn't a ghost.

Wouldn't surprise me.

Uhhh....

That's why I can't mess with young people.

I really can't.

She was 25, 26, just put off of it.

Makes me feel so much older.

Dealing with somebody like that.

I do feel older.

I date older women.

All my friends are older.

I fucking hate kids so much.

Kids...

fuckin' suck, man.

Oh, my God, they're so garbage.

I don't like young people at all, man.

We just don't click. I'm not on...

I'm on none of the apps that they're on.

What's the what's the one

app that literally every kid is on it?

No... Amber Alert?

Every kid is on Amber Alert, aren't they?

It's like man ain't nobody looking for you.

How many followers you got?
Enough for a search party I hope.

See, this is hilarious to me because I can feel

the hypocrisy radiating off y'all right now.

Like I'm the asshole.

That's adorable. Okay.

When's the last time you got an Amber Alert on your phone

and your first reaction wasn't, Oh, shit, how do I turn this off?

How do I ...

None of y'all are like,

We gotta find these kids!!

Not one person.

Y'all haven't found a kid since milk was in a carton.

Okay, judge me?

It's a terrible app.

Is the worst app.

It's vague...

Like, Be on the look out for 2015 silver Prius like,

Is he in my Uber? Is this is a rideshare?

Did I hit "pool"?

The alarm's the worst part. By far.

They haven't changed the alarm in like 30 years

it's still the same

Ehhh! Ehhh! Ehhh!

I get so mad when that shit goes off on my phone,

I could be standing next to the kidnapper,
and be like, Hey!...

Is it in the settings?

I go to general? Notification...

I closed out of the Wayfair app.

You guys remember that?

You guys remember when Wayfair was ...

sellin' other stuff?

for any of you guys who might not remember Wayfair,
the furniture company

in 2020 was accused

of allegedly

being involved in human trafficking, and

we forgave them pretty quick.

Didn't we? They're killing it.

Their business is booming right now.

Supplied the chairs y'all sitting on right now.

So if you could, please give a warm round of applause for our sponsor,

Bro, they came back hot! With some deals too!

They were like, I'm sorry, five...

Our bad, ten...

I was like, Are these the ages of the discounts?

Like I just don't trust you anymore.

I don't trust you.

It was bad, man.

We found out as a people we hate human trafficking,

but not as much as we hate an unfurnished patio.

Am I right?

Them umbrellas ain't cheap, man.

I know it's not funny.

It's not funny. It's very serious.

And I do feel very bad for all the families affected by that.

Obviously, I feel terrible about it.

But I especially feel bad

for the dude who just wanted a desk.

You know what I mean?

How many times have you got the wrong order in the mail?

And I-

Now you got to get a crib, too?

It's a lot of money out of pocket.

It's messed up, man.

Can't support 'em.

Don't support Wayfair.

They're terrible.

Not as bad as IKEA, but

fuck IKEA.

You kidding me?

They're way worse.

IKEA needs to come with a kid
just to help put that shit together.

Somebody gotta hold these sides, bro,
God damn.

Can I go home now?

I don't know, man. That's a lot of leftover pieces.

You sure you didn't skip any steps?

There's always so many leftover pieces
after an IKEA project, isn't there?

You look at a final IKEA piece like...

I guess that's it.

And then you find out you messed up on

step eight of 49 and you're like,

I guess we just don't have a bottom shelf.

It is what it is.

We'll... we'll put tall stuff there...

Guys, relax.

Still me.

Remember, the dude who's been telling jokes for 45 minutes?

Still just a joke.

This is why comedy is the most frustrating job in the world.

It's because this is the only job in the world

that I would have to reiterate to y'all what I'm doing.

That I'm just kidding.

I don't mean this shit that comes out of my mouth.

Rappers don't have to do that.

Rappers are literally like,

I fucked yo bitch!
And killed yo family!

and y'all are just like,
Aaaahhhh!!!

They don't gotta be like, I'm just rapping.

I'm just rapping, y'all.

I wouldn't do nothing like that.

I'm David. You know me.

I wouldn't do nothing like that.

So hypocritical, man.

That's the one thing comedians do have over rappers.

Is freedom of speech.

It's kind of like an unwritten rule in comedy, right?

You can joke about messed up stuff

as long as it's funnier than it is messed up.

And rappers don't get that kind of leeway.

It's not fair.

Like if they admit to a crime,

they did on beat, they still go to jail.

I don't think that's fair.

Respect the artistry. Give them a chance. Okay?

I think if you can make a doper song than the charges

you're trying to beat, you get to go home.

I think that's fair.

I think that's fair.

All spectrums of crime, too.

Can you imagine Ted Bundy

in court? And they're like You're going to jail forever.

And he's like, Well, wait til you hear this shit.

It's a little song.

I call, "I Eat The Pussy Up" starring J. Dahms...

Because he's a cannibal.

Okay, that one was a tough sell.

That's fine.

I understand.

See if we can get you all back with something
a little bit more levelheaded.

We can all kind of get on board with

Gun control?

Why not, right?

Can't be worse than the Wayfair shit...

it is.

This is way worse.

If that one wasn't your shit.

Buckle up.

This is a lot harder one to tackle.

Gun control is so tricky because I...

I see both sides.

I do understand.

I understand the amendment.

Everyone's right to have a gun.

That makes sense to me,
especially when it comes to things like protection

or providing for your family.

That makes sense.

But at the same time...

Everybody?

Every- Not everybody gets a gun...

Right? That's crazy.

You all know somebody.

That you're like,
This motherfucker should not have a gun, right?

It's so easy to be irresponsible with a gun.

When's the last time you held a gun and didn't do this shit?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

People freak out every time.

But no, don't! Like, I wouldn't...

But would I? It's a timeless bit.

That shit has been funny for centuries.

I think it's so easy to be irresponsible with a gun that I think

a simple interim solution would be.

It just needs to be a little bit harder to get the gun.

That's all I suggest.

I think there's so many tiers

to responsibility that you should have to surpass
before you can have a gun.

That's all I suggest.

And I'm not even proposing anything difficult.

Simple shit, like...

If you haven't had sex yet... straight-up...

No gun.

Okay, that is.

That is way too much power for you.

How you gonna pull a trigger before you've had to pull out like,

That takes discipline.

And I need to see you in a moment of crisis.

Okay?

Can you handle the power?

Do you realize if something as simple as that was implemented?

If something as simple as having sex was a requirement

for getting a registered firearm,

what kind of impact that would have on the entire problem?

School shootings would drop off almost completely.

Have you ever seen pictures of these kids who shoot up schools?

They are so fucking ugly.

You kind of get it a little bit like they weren't fucking.

There has never been a handsome school shooter that they were like,

Ah! ... He was gonna be prom king!

Like, never, once, never.

No one has time to write a manifesto and get pussy.

That's science.

Okay?

It's too much detail.

Look, I'm well aware

that school shooting is a very hard thing to try to make funny.

but we're gonna try.

And I feel like I owe the explanation as to like,

why would I joke about something this fucked up?

And the reason being

is it's sort of my coping mechanism.

I try to make light of terrible situations,

luckily through humor, so that I'm not sad.

Every fucking day.

Because what's the first thing you do
when you wake up every morning,

you check your phone, right?

Probably get on Twitter,
some sort of news, yeah you get caught up.

And doesn't it feel like there's something negative, immediately.

There's so much negativity in front of our faces daily,

that I can't imagine living any kind of life

where I don't have an outlet for that.

negativity it just festers inside of me.

It makes me a miserable human being.

If I have an outlet through humor, I'm going to use it.

You be miserable, not me.

Now, I respect that that's not for everybody.

That's not how everybody's brain works.

Like, I had a woman furious one time.

She stood up in the middle of a show

one time when I was doing some

other school shooting material and

she was furious.

She stood up and was like,
You shouldn't do jokes about school shootings.

And I was like, Why?

She was like, Because what if it happened to you? Hm?

What if you lost your kid in a school shooting incident? Hm?

Could you make jokes about it then?

And I was like, Ugh... this bitch...

Because it's like context,

You know what I mean?

It's a comedy show.

Clearly, everything I'm saying is hypothetical.

Like, I'm not talking about this in a literal sense,

especially because I don't have any fucking kids.

Okay?

So it's not something I have to think about on a daily basis,

but it's something I had never taken into consideration.

So it did fuck me up a little bit.

I had to take a step back as a man

and as a comedian and actually ask myself, like, if

if I lost my kid

in a school shooting incident,

could I ever make jokes about it?

And the answer is, yeah, that's a hard yes for me.

Okay.

That is for sure how I would heal
through that traumatic experience.

Are you kidding me?

Second of all, it's my kid that's fucking fair game.

Okay? There...

there is no way I'm not killing it at that funeral

like...

He was never good at hide and seek!

Like, come on, man, that shit is too easy, bro.

The kids don't play the games anymore.

It's easier targets.

#bringbackhideandseek

I like this topic only because it's.

It creates such a divide racially

between black people and white people

when it comes to the topic of school shootings. Because

it's usually us

and black people love to joke all the time.

They love to be like, oh, you know, it's

all the white kids shooting up all the schools...

Shooting up the school is a white kid's sport. Urrrr!

I hear that joke all the time.

Shooting up the school is a white kid sport!

It's funny.

It's a good joke.

Until you think about the history of sports,

because if I know anything about
the history of sports, it's that...

if white people are good at it now...

black people are going to be
way better at it someday.

Somebody gotta be Wilt.

Somebody gotta come in and change the game.

Some of you are laughing because it's fucked up
and some of you are because you're like,

He's... he's right!

They're gonna be faster.

They're gonna be stronger.

Aaand canceled.

Awesome.

Ohhh cancel culture.

We got to chill out

with the cancel culture stuff.

We got to chill out.

The spectrum is too broad.

I don't have time to care about everything

because you make such a big deal about nothing.

That it takes all of my attention

away from the stuff we actually should be canceling

and actually should be upset about.

And it's so frustrating.

Like just ... pick and choose, man...

and stop digging up people's

old tweets and shit. Straight-up.

I think it's the most bitchmaid thing, you can possibly do

because I'm a big believer that

as times change, people change.
A lot of time for the better.

Not always.

Obviously there's exceptions, but a lot of the times

there's so many examples of it in American history, in and of itself.

You can look at someone like

Malcolm X.

Malcolm X spent ten years in prison for robbery

and larceny, got out, went on to become a civil rights activist.

That literally changed the fucking world.

Maya Angelou used to be a prostitute

Audience member:
Hehe!

went on to be-
what the fuck is so funny about that?

What white motherfucker in the back...

Laughing at what I read in February,
huh?

Oh, he laughed like he hit.

Like, you know what I mean?

God damn...

She was a prostitute.

She went on to become a poet,

an author, another civil rights activist that again

changed the fucking world.

Chance The Rapper...

used to make good music.

As times change, people change, right?

Not always for the better. I miss Acid Rap.

That's all I'm saying.

And the reason I wanted to talk about this is because

it happened to me ... few years ago.

Somebody who didn't like me went online

and they dug up a bunch of tweets of mine

from when I was 15 years old and when I was 15 years old,

as I mentioned, I was born and raised in the middle of bumfuck

nowhere Ohio, like, I didn't know shit about shit.

I couldn't have been more ignorant.

And anybody who says they didn't do

or say some shit when they were 15 years old
that they shouldn't have done

or don't regret ... is a liar.

Okay, that's the time in your life you're supposed to make mistakes.

So you learn from them, you grow from them.

You don't go on to make those same mistakes

when you're a responsible adult,

Yeah?

So when I was 15 years old,

I was going back and forth on Twitter with my best friend Brendan.

Now, Brendan and I have been best friends since preschool.

Since four years old he's my next door neighbor.

And Brendan also happened to be black.

So Brendan and I were going back

and forth on Twitter one day,
and this is when Twitter was like

the group chat, you know what I mean?
You were just saying crazy shit in there,

because it was just y'all!

You didn't think anybody was going to
care eight years later.

So we were going back and forth on Twitter
just roasting each other, right?

He would say somethin.

I would say somethin.
He would say somethin, I would say somethin.

And then he said some shit that really had me fucked up

because when I was 15,

I also had Ohio teeth.

Like I had a big gap in the middle, I had little gaps on the side.

My teeth were fucked up.

Then Brendan said some shit like,

you're the only person I know who could eat food

without opening their mouth.

And 15-year-old me was shook,

I was like, God damn, that's, you know,
that's a finisher right there.

So the roast battle was clearly over.

So I conceded and I have responded back

with a very famous Chief Keef lyric

at the time, from the song I Don't Like.

So the conversation went,

You're the only person I know who can eat food

without opening their mouth.

And I responded, Fuck ... mmm...

That's that shit I don't like.

Now, if you're familiar with the song,

you would know I had tweeted the N-word

in the song lyrics to my friend, and this was incredibly wrong.

This was ignorant, naive, and stupid.

I wish I had never done it.

And when this resurfaced

people lost their fucking mind, I'm sorry.

White people lost their fucking mind.

They couldn't believe it.

They thought I had just gotten away

with being racist for eight years.

They were like, WHAT?!

You can't say that!

You're not black!

You're not in the car, by yourself!

Like they had thought I just found a loophole
in racism and squeaked through the cracks.

And black people couldn't believe...

that I knew who Chief Keef was.

That was the biggest uproar amongst the black community.

They were like, He fucks with Sosa?
I had no idea...

it was instant outrage amongst the whites,
okay...

And this was such an uncomfortable situation

because white people love to be offended...

for other people. It's our favorite
extracurricular activity to be like,

Ooooo! Oooo did you...

Did you see???

They want you to be upset about stuff
you weren't even initially upset about!

White people are like PC gladiators, just...

Are you not outraged!?

I wasn't...

Now I am.

And again, this is a very tough position to be put in because

white people have

ruined every excuse in the book

to get out of being called racists.

They ruined all of them.

And fortunately but unfortunately,

I fit a massive cliché.

If you or anybody watching

were to take the slightest glimpse into my life,

you wouldn't have to look far at all.

You would see that

all of my friends are black.

All of them. There's one...

There's others!
I swear...

All of them are black.

I have one white friend and he's Russian.

His name is Vladislav

and I don't know how much y'all know about Russians,

but they're the black people of white people, okay?

They're so dope ... So...

to my naivete,

I'm trying to state my case to these strangers online

who don't know who I am or know anything about me,

because from my perspective, I'm like, No, like, what?

What are you talking about?

I'm not racist.

If you look at the people who I hold closest in my life,

the people who mean more to me

than my actual blood family,

the people I love most and would probably fucking die for.

You would see that they're black.

Like what I did was obviously stupid and wrong,

but I didn't mean anything malicious by it.

I would never in my fucking life mean anybody

any hate or harm based on the color of their skin.

That's outrageous to me.

And the most frustrating thing about the entire experience

and arguing with these people online was that

there's still people who don't believe me.

There's people right now, I'm sure watching

being like this is just another white dude

trying to get out of another sticky situation.

And I understand that.

But at the same time,

I also don't have to convince you

of a single fucking thing.

I...

I know who I am.

I know I'm not racist.

I know how many times I've jacked off to
Queen Latifah's Beauty Shop.

Y'all seen it?
Y'all been sleepin' man.

That shit is a classic.
They so goddamn fine in that movie.

Ah... woo!

So...

this is when the conversation got really interesting

because the problem shifted subjects

the issue started with a stupid mistake

I made when I was 15 years old, and it shifted,

to white people now being uncomfortable

with my comfortability, with black people

like they were very uncomfortable with it.

They were saying outrageous shit.

They would be like, Oh, I bet you hang out
with so many black people

so that you could justify saying racist shit like that

For real?

That's how you think racism and discrimination works?

Alright, bet.

So if I hate gay people, I'm out here sucking so much dick

just so I can be like,
Eckh, these homos are disgusting.

Am I right? Up top!

Oh my God, that's not how racism

and discrimination works.

I wouldn't put myself in that situation, but they kept going.

They got more and more ignorant.

They're like, Oh, well,

why do you hang out with so many black people then, huh?

What do you want to ... be black?

Fuckin'...

A little bit. A little bit.

It is so much cooler some of the time.

Okay.

Every white person wishes they were black a little bit.

Any white person who says they don't is a fucking liar or a cop.

Okay? Do not believe that for even a second.

Okay.

But the silver lining of

all of this is it made me do so much reflecting

like things that I had never had to put any thought into

because they were such first nature to me.

I actually thought about

like I had never thought about

why all of my friends are black.

I had never thought about why
I'm so comfortable with black people

or why I appreciate black people so much.

So I did a lot of self reflecting on it

and the conclusion I came to is that

nobody goes through more shit

and still enjoys life to the fullest

more than black people.

Nobody.

It's so impressive to me

and it's such a beautiful way to live your life

because everybody's going to go through shit.

But not everybody can bounce back
and still enjoy shit to the fullest.

And I think it's an absolutely
incredible way to live.

This is going to seem so dramatic,

but I need you guys to take it into consideration.

Do you have any idea

what it takes to have this country literally

built on your fucking back ... to this day

still have to fight to be treated like a decent human being

and still have time

to write a better version of the Happy Birthday song?

Have you all heard it? That shit's incredible.

They got a Drake verse on there.

It's incredible.

Step your shit up, white people.

You had such a head start.

It's absolutely amazing

At its simplest form,

it just comes down to common interest
and common opinion.

The people who you have in common

interests and opinion, those are the people
you surround yourself with.

Those are your real friends.

Those are your real family.

The world should not be split into like,

Oh, white people do this, black people do this.

If you tryin' to do something that another culture does

you're tryin' to do something that you're not, like,

that divides us, that does not bring us together.

And it doesn't even need to be so cut and dry.

It goes to all aspects of life.

Comedy is like that.

I'm supposed to come up here, say some relatable shit.

That y'all have probably kind of already thought about.

We make it funny.

Now we have that bond together, right?

But there's still that judgment.

Until we have that bond,

like every time I walk on stage,
every dude watchin' is like, hmm-mmm,

Absolutely not.

I ain't got nothing in common with this dude.

He got bangs.

I'm not going to think he's funny,

but as soon as I come up here and say
some relatable shit that we can agree, like...

Who in here like big titties?!

All those dudes are like, Well, let's give him a chance. See...

See what these titties are talkin' about...

Cuz we're not that fuckin' different, man.

Stop dividing people

just because you're uneducated or inexperienced, okay?

That's why you're uncomfortable.

That's why you come across as so fucking corny.

And that's why you're not invited

to the cookout.

I'll bring the potato salad!

Nooo I'm just kidding. I'll...

I'll bring chairs.

It's okay.

Thank you guys so much.

My name is Matt Rife.

Thank you so much you guys.

You guys are fantastic.

Get home safe, please.

Vic Mensa "Rage":
♪ I want you to blaze into the light

Before your final flight

But boy, you're fine, you're fine

I want you to rage into the night

I want you to know, you know you're right

before your final flight

racing

racing, red eyes are burning rogue ♪♪

Paul Elia:
And so how do you feel now that you've
self-produced your first standup special?

So I would say this is one that,
uh this sounds so depressing.

It's one of the few things in my career I'm proud of.

Wasn't TRL

wasn't The Challenge.

Wild 'n Out didn't cut it.

Sorry Black Coalition, but I had a terrible time.

I'm happy for everybody

who made it happen

because we did this with fucking no budget at all.

The camera crew that's around

you guys are so fucking talented to work on jobs

that I will probably never book in my life.

So the fact that they were friends of mine

that wanted to help out with this, the

the sound team, the set design,

like we did all of this shit, there was no like official

production team involved in it.

Movie magic, you guys this is how it-

You guys should see porn sets.

Erik Griffin:
Give it up for Matt Rife!