All language subtitles for The Good Place - 01x04 - Jason Mendoza.FLEET.C

Hang on, hang on... You're not
supposed to be here either?

You're a mistake, just like me?

Yeah, and I'm freaking out, dog.

There's so much thoughts in my brain,
it's like my head is filled with rocks.

How have you managed
to stay undiscovered?

Because I have had to dodge and weave

and barely escape with my life,
and you don't seem...

like a super genius.

Hello, Jianyu. I'm Michael.

Before we start,
I know you were a Buddhist monk

and kept a vow of silence.

Would you prefer to remain
silent here as well?

You literally haven't said
a word since we got here?

Yeah. When I say I'm meditating,

I'm just trying to figure out
what the fork is happening.

I think we might be in an alien zoo

or on a prank show.

No, Jianyu, we're dead.

Whoa, that's a dope prank.

Pfff. Got to give it up.

Okay, I need to make sure

that this isn't some sort of weird trap.

Is your real name Jianyu?

No. It's Jason Mendoza.

And by the way, everyone here
thinks I'm Taiwanese.

I'm Filipino. That's racist.

Heaven is so racist.

But Tahani said that you helped Michael

by putting your hand on his chest

and doing some sort of healing magic.

Yeah. A nurse did that
to calm me down once

when I crashed my Jet Ski
into a manatee.

You crashed your Jet Ski into a manatee?

Yeah. I'm from Jacksonville, Florida.

It happens a lot.

What did you do for a living?

I was an amateur DJ specializing in EDM.

Electronic dance music.

I was also an amateur
hip-hop backup dancer,

an amateur body spray inventor...

um, I did pranks on Vine.

None of those are jobs.

What did you do to make money?

Oh, I sold fake drugs to college kids.

Okay, good.

Okay, here's my biggest question:

how did you know
that I didn't belong here?

I figured it out the very first night,

at the party,

using my powers of deduction.

I heard you don't talk.

Well, here's something
for you to not talk about.

I don't belong here.

They made a mistake.

Total phony.

So, shh!

Okay, later, man.

Okay. I vaguely remember that.

I believe you, Jason.

You're not supposed to be here.

Welcome to the bottom of the barrel.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

_

Hello, Tahani.

Oh, hello, Michael.

I was just picking out
some fresh orchids

for my nightly orchid bath.

So, Tahani, one of your fellow residents

is opening a new restaurant tonight.

This neighborhood could use
a real morale boost.

And since you're an expert
at event planning,

I was hoping that you would help
with the grand opening.

Oh, Michael, say no more.

I wasn't going to. I was done.

Well, good, because of course I will.

Janet?

- Hey, there.
- Oh, hello, darling.

I would like to model tonight's event

on my most successful gala.

That would be 2006 fundraiser for
stem cell research in Barcelona.

"Barthelona," actually.

Oh, it was a perfect evening.

Princess Stephanie was there,

as were Posh and Becks.

You know, "International
Sophisticate Magazine"

gave us five Gwyneths.

Tonight, I'm going to select
my jauntiest suit,

and I may even wear suspenders.

It's one of the human clothing
items I'm most eager to try.

Oh, well, good luck.

Thank you. Yes, yes.

I'm excited.

And a little nervous.

I'd say that I'm cautiously optimistic.

I hope I don't
chicken out at the last second.

Sorry... we are talking
about suspenders, right?

Like... these?

You can do that with... oh!

I cannot wait.

Excellent.

So, Tahani has no idea about me?

No. She thinks I'm a monk,

and she thinks you're her best friend.

Great. I mean, for us.

It's a huge bummer for her.

We need someplace
that we can talk in private.

I agree.

Let me show you my bud-hole.

What?

I should warn you: it's a little messy.

This is my bud-hole.

It's just, like, a hole

where me and my buds can hang out.

Oh, bud-hole!

Okay, now I get it.

I wrote down on a piece of paper that
I needed a private meditation area.

Tahani will never come in.

Pretty unique decorating style
you have here, Jianyu.

It's like, "12-year-old boy"

meets "13-year-old boy."

Thanks. Janet helped me
get all this stuff.

She rules.

Is she single,
or is she married to Michael?

No, no, dude, you cannot date Janet.

A: she's not human.
And B: you have to keep

pretending to be Tahani's soul mate.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool.

Okay, just sit tight, dude.
I have a class to get to.

Wha... a class?

I didn't know there were classes.

Chidi is trying to teach me
to be a good person.

And it's really hard.

Also, Michael has asked me
to be his assistant,

whatever that means.

My whole situation here
is getting more and more dicey,

so I'm actually really glad
to have a place I can come

when I just want to be myself.

Yeah. I miss being myself.

Myself was the best.

Whoo! Whoo!

What's up, man? You're Jason?

You got two minutes.
Fred Durst is throwing an orgy

on a partially capsized yacht.

My dad just texted. It already started.

So I'll get right to the point.

I listened to your demo.
You're terrible.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Okay? You just don't have any...
what's the word?

Talent.

But don't worry. You got something
better than talent, man.

You got my approximate size and weight.

I'm supposed to play this club
for the rest of the week,

but I just got an offer
to DJ Scott Disick's after party

for the Amateur Porn Awards in Reno.

Whoa! Congrats, bro. That's the dream.

It's your dream, man. It's my Tuesday.

I just need somebody to fill in.

Put on the helmet.
Press spacebar on the computer.

Those idiots won't know the difference.

For the next week, Jason,
you are Acidcat.

Whoa, there's a lot of old gum in here.

Tahani, how are things going
in the front of the house?

Because, to be perfectly frank,

things in the kitchen are
going great, okay?

I am right on schedule.

Chef Patricia, I have triple-checked

every single detail.

Your restaurant opening is going to be

the talk of the entire neighborhood.

Thank you for your
thoughtfulness and hard work.

I could not have done this without you.

Ah, hello, Tahani.

Sorry. I should've warned you.

Patricia is actually very happy,
but she's also very intense.

It can be confusing.

No, no, no,
that's not what's bothering me.

It's just that, well,

I looked at the guest list earlier,

and Jianyu isn't invited.

Right.

Jianyu is a beautiful spirit,

but he literally doesn't talk,

and since this will be an
evening of lively conversation,

and you'll be busy working,

I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable.

I totally understand.

Well reasoned, Michael.

As us Brits are fond of saying,

"try your best to hide your sadness."

So, the concept of the self
is a key subject

for a lot of great thinkers.

In the "Tao Te Ching," Lao Tzu wrote,

"Knowing others is wisdom,

but knowing the self is enlightenment."

Ahh, "knowing" yourself.

Is he talking about
what I think he's talking about?

No, Eleanor. Once again,
none of these philosophers

is ever talking about masturbation.

Let's move on to this week's main event,

David Hume's
"A Treatise of Human Nature."

- You read this, right?
- I did.

Well, I tried to.

Well, I tried to want to.

Um, actually, could we postpone
this lesson?

I've befriended Jianyu from next door,

and I thought I could learn from him.

That's a great idea. Hume's
"bundle theory" of the self

is fairly close to Buddhism.

Yeah. No durr. That's why I'm doing it.

Do you hear music?

That's not music.

That's EDM.

What are you doing?

Eleanor, you were right.

No more pretending.
It's time for me to be myself.

What's up, homie?

Eleanor?

You broke Jianyu.

Okay, did we miss anything?

Ugh, take that jersey off, you goofball.

Okay. This is not my fault. I swear.

Eleanor, one hour ago,

that man was a silent Buddhist monk.

Right. But here's the thing:

Jianyu is actually...

a guy who is nice.

Hi, Tahani.

Eleanor, Chidi, What a lovely surprise.

Don't mind me. I'm just dropping off
my afternoon gloves,

and picking up my early evening gloves.

How are you, soul mate?

I'm cool.

I'm sorry.

Am I going mad, or did I
just hear you say, "I'm cool"?

Mmm, mm-mm.

I don't think so.
I don't think that happened.

You're... you're wrong.

I see what's going on here.

You've got a whisper in your snickerbox.

You're both helping Jianyu

to regain his confidence

to be able to speak again

as a surprise for me!

Oh, busted.

My heart is soaring.

So, Jianyu is talking?
Oh, how wonderful!

I will do everything in my power
to encourage him.

Well, not everything.
I won't give him a second mouth.

Unless that would be helpful. No.

Better not risk it.

I've actually had a better idea.

- Oh.
- Let's add Jianyu

to the guest list.

Chidi and Eleanor have been
working with him,

- and they're going to be here.
- What a great idea. Patricia!

We can fit another chair, right?

Change the floor plan
an hour before opening?

Of course! The more the merrier!

Hurrah!

I knew tonight was going to be perfect,

but now it's going to be
even perfect-er.

Obviously, it's impossible
for something to be

more perfect than perfect...

Well, it isn't, actually.

Any place or thing in the universe

can be up to 104% perfect.

That's how you got Beyoncé.

Oh!

Oh, bud-hole. Okay.

Now, tell me everything.

Okay, Jianyu...

is a fraud,

just like me.

His real name is Jason.

He's a drug-dealing DJ from Florida.

It's gonna be fine. We just need a plan.

Oh, I got a plan.

We hack into Michael's phone,

download all his nudes,

and then blackmail him.

No. What are you t... no.

Yo, you should listen to me.

I came up with hundreds of plans
in my life,

and only one of them got me killed.

Dude, be quiet.

You are not Jason.
You are a monk named Jianyu.

Got it?

Hoo hoo hoo!

Oh, another great set, Jason.

They love you, dude.

They don't love me, man.

They love Acidcat.

These cheers are fake.

They hit my ears
like boxing gloves of sadness.

Whoa, that's some poetic thoughts, B.

I got to be myself.

Attention, Jacksonville.

I'm not Acidcat.

I'm Mr. Music, the DJ.

And this is a Mr. Music, the DJ
original.

Pow!

Whoo!

Aah!

Welcome to the opening
of The Good Plates.

I just got that.

That's hilarious!

Anyway, at some point or another,

every resident in this neighborhood

will fulfill his or her soul's
true purpose.

Chef Patricia has done that tonight

by opening this restaurant.

Now if you'd all like to take
a look at tonight's menus...

That's right. With Michael's help,

Chef Patricia has recreated

each person's favorite meal on Earth.

Fun!

It's my Grandmother's maafe.

Fresh perch, slow-roasted
in a peanut sauce.

Almost makes me forget
how miserable I am right now.

You want to try a bite?

Fish and peanut butter?
No, I'm good. Thanks.

Tofu? Oh, man.

I'ma order some jalapeño poppers.

Shh. Be quiet and eat your white sponge.

Janet?

- Hi, there.
- Hi. I didn't get a meal.

According to our files,
your favorite meal was

the hunger strike you went on

to protest Bolivian sex trafficking.

Oh, right. Of course I did that.

Tahani, great party. Check it out.

Suspenders!

So dumb.

So much dumber than belts.

Oh, congratulations, Michael.

How's Jianyu doing? Is he opening up?

Mm, not yet.

But I can tell he wants to.

Don't worry. I've got a plan.

May I have your attention, please?

Later this evening, we will be enjoying

Chef Patricia's delicious dessert,

a stunning three-tiered cake

that took her a full week to complete.

But first,
I'd like to try something fun.

Each one of you has
a very special memory

attached to the meal you're eating.

Why don't we go around the room

and share our stories?

Who'd like to begin?

I'll start, Michael.

One day, I wasn't feeling so great,

so I made myself
a bowl of this chicken soup...

When it gets to you,

say something short and boring
about tofu.

No. I'm sick of pretending
to be Jianyu, the tofu man.

I'm gonna tell the story
about my real favorite meal.

- Which is?
- The Buffalo wings

at Stupid Nick's Wing Dump
in Gainesville.

Wings were free for ladies
if they took their top off.

Oh, boy.

- Chidi, a word?
- Yeah.

Anyway, that's how this simple soup

saved over 10,000 lives.

If Jianyu starts talking about
topless Buffalo wing restaurants,

we're all screwed.

Jianyu Li,

a Taiwanese monk
who took a vow of silence

at the age of eight
and hasn't spoken since,

is ready to share with us.

Let me tell you

about Stupid Nick.

We need a distraction
right the fork now.

No, no, no, no, no. Eleanor,

Chef Patricia poured her heart
and soul into this.

Destroying it would be
a truly cruel act.

Yeah, no durr.

No, no, no... oh!

Sinkhole! Everyone out!

There's a sinkhole!

Aah!

Glenn!

You broke the world.

That's not a compliment.

Glenn, stay calm.

We're gonna get you out of there.

And we'll put your soup in the
fridge so it won't go to waste.

I know that may not be

your number one concern
right now, but...

It was up there. It's real good soup.

Let's go.

Hey, buddy. You okay?

No. I was just about to
tell an awesome story

about a wing eating contest that I lost

and a barfing contest that I won,

but then a hole opened up in the ground.

I know. I made the hole
to save you from yourself.

You cannot let people know
who you really are.

It would be very, very bad.

Beautiful, beautiful Jacksonville.

What's wrong, dog?

You look like you're freaking out.

Things are bad, Pillboi.

Acidcat is suing me
for "bleach of contract."

I should have never pretended
to be someone else.

It could cost me all my dreams in life.

You got dreams in life? That's lit.

Of course I have dreams, man.

I don't want to be a DJ
in Jacksonville forever.

I want to DJ in Daytona,

Tallahassee,

Tampa, even.

I want it all.

That's big goals, man.

I know, but I believe in myself.

Someday, the world will see
what I already know:

that Jason Mendoza
is a beautiful, unique soul

who has so much to give this world.

Okay, that's Acidcat's speedboat.

Hand me the thing that blows it up.

Michael, I hereby tender my resignation.

I can no longer in good conscience

coordinate any further events
in The Good Place.

So, I am turning in my evening gloves.

- Tahani...
- Don't try to make me feel better.

The launch was a disaster.

Poor Jianyu was so terrified

that I fear he may never speak again.

My hair is barely cascading
down my shoulders.

Tahani, please.

I know your journey with Jianyu
has been frustrating,

but your situation is
actually very typical.

Soul mates sometimes take months
to really click.

You have to be patient.

And if anyone should take the blame

for the restaurant disaster, it's me.

I thought this neighborhood's
troubles were behind us.

Now I fear the worst.

Michael,

I hereby rescind
the tendering of my resignation.

We must keep the neighborhood together.

- What can I do?
- Oh,

well, the sinkhole
should be repairing itself

in about three days.

Well, as soon as it does,
we shall re-launch the restaurant.

I'll hang posters to get the word out,

and in the meantime, I'll host
a brunch party every morning

to lift people's spirits.

- Ah!
- While you repair the universe,

I shall prepare the eggs.

Oh, fanciful wordplay.

Indeed. That is the Tahani
that you know and love.

- So what do we do here?
- There's nothing to do.

He's just gonna blab

and get him and me both sent
to The Bad Place.

It's hopeless.

I can't believe I'm doing
this, but, Jason,

please come to my classroom.

I will teach you ethics,
like I'm doing with Eleanor.

And if you work hard
and absorb the material,

you just might be able
to earn your place here.

No, I'm good.

Dude, Chidi is giving you
a lifeline right now,

and you need to take it
because you suck.

- You suck!
- I know!

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

We both suck.

You know who doesn't suck? Chidi.

He is putting himself in danger
to help us,

because he, unlike us,
is an amazing person.

I didn't get into heaven
to go to school.

You didn't get into heaven
at all, shirt-for-brains.

I just want to be myself.

That's a very, very bad idea.

Do not be yourself.

You need to be a better version
of yourself, okay?

And I do too.
And our only hope right now

is this kind, selfless, amazing nerd.

Think about that.

Do you have to call me a nerd so much?

I said a lot of other nice things, okay?

Toughen up, nerd.

Let's get crackin', Teach.

I read this entire David Hume book,
and then I read it again

because I didn't understand it
the first time,

and now I'm ready to go.

Wow, that's really impressive.

Where's Jianyu?

Honestly, I don't even know
if he's coming.

I am here to learn about ethnics.

Wow, that's great, man.

I mean, it's "ethics," but that's great.

Pretty sure it's "ethnics."

Hey, buddy, I'm proud of you.

This is your first step
towards not sucking.

Cool. I just have two questions:

when are football tryouts?

And does this school have a prom?

Oh, no.

Oh, wow.

For the first time ever,

I'm the smartest kid in class.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com