Original subtitles

THE GIRLS

Hello, Garden Gym... Please hold a moment!

How can I help?

Yes Madam, every day, until 10pm.

That’s it, good bye!

Once a week isn’t enough for him…

As I said to Jean-Pierre, if it's love, you don’t count!

Perfect, my dear Françoise! Perfect!

How was your love trip to the US?

Stop trying to pick up my girlfriend!

You after them all or what?

Hi Antoinette! What are you doing here?

- You OK? - Yeah.

Get used to it, men are hopeless!

What’ll I tell Christine?

Just like with cheese, the perfect couple doesn’t exist!

If you find one, we’ll stick him on display in a museum! OK?

Last night, 3 masked girls

raped 5 motorcycle boys, in the Bastille area.

One boy has been taken to Saint Anne's Hospital.

The girls are members of Eye-for-Eye, Tooth-for-Tooth.

- Get the latest? - What?

- Christine’s lover is cheating! - Really?

Her’s too?

We ought to start a club!

I’m fed up with key problems!

Well, hi anyway!

Look what you did! What a mess!

Look what you did.

Look at all this!

“Oil Resources in Afghanistan”

Your daddy will love this!

One minute!

- She’s driving me crazy! - Poor darling.

Don’t slam the door, Charlotte!

Christine, I got your package.

Super!

My Robert will love this.

A little coffee!

He’ll go wild with this!

Him and his chess tournaments!

Coffee!

Robert! It’s a guy like him I need.

Guys like him don’t grow on trees!

He's a pearl, babe.

- Hey, he’s writing a thesis, you know. - A what?

A book.

Even a Robert without a thesis would suit me fine!

They’re scarce. You have to get out and hunt!

And get my ass felt at discos just to find one? No way!

Where’d you find yours?

At a Humanité rock fest. A Genisis concert.

It was love at first sight!

The next day he was hanging about. Knew he was a catch, but I didn't tell him.

It's been 7 years!

Stop!

- What's wrong? - It’s out of kilter.

7 years?

You must be biorhythmically well suited.

With me, he’s never deprived!

It's 7pm, Outside temperature is 18° Celsius, uncertain weather.

Dentist: 3pm, Psychoanalyst: 7pm

He’s such a turn-on!

Slow down, Simone, he’s mine!

Such sweet blue eyes.

Not blue, green!

Oh, Charlotte!

Mind if I borrow...

You know my husband prefers bran bread!

My pills! Where are my pills?

How many did I take before?

No idea.

The TV...

Time to turn on the TV.

Women and unemployment.

65% of those who are unemployed are women.

Tomorrow: Radio Woman, a programme by women for women.

How much do I owe you? Good thing I did that job.

It’s a gift!

I can’t let you do that!

Forget it, my husband has Japanese contacts.

Then I'll have to accept. You’re really great!

Really... it's great!

Must be great to have lots of cash!

But being poor keeps you busy!

No, tragedy!

I’m going to play “Célimène”.

Can you give us a sample?

Gladly!

“Am I guilty of the suitors I see?

“Must I prevent these men from liking me?

“And when they endeavour to woo,

“Must I drive them out with my shoe?”

The poor dear!

My dear, this is Mother.

Wonderful news,

I’m coming to lunch Wednesday.

This’ll be a great year for you! Love.

This am Pequita, I hunt work your place.

No, this is Eliane, just a friendly call.

In here!

She killed me today!

Here...

I mended your Robert’s shirt.

You’re a peach.

Thanks.

Wow, you did a big wash today!

You’re crazy! Robert did it himself!

Charlotte, can I have that hair ribbon. I don’t think you need it.

Thanks.

The poor guy! When I get married…

Married! This is not the middle ages.

Marriage steals your name, your time and for no pay!

100% profit for the man!

- Is your system any better? - It's perfect.

Hello... Hello, Robert?

Yes, darling, yes!

Yeah...

No wait...

I’ve got good news, I’ll get 2 days off.

That’ll give us 5 days in all! Isn't that great?

What do you mean, you can't?

Oh shit, how dumb!

That’s too bad.

We’ll screw like mad tonight! If you'd like?

Oh no! I’ve been housekeeping for an hour! Shit!

And it was your turn!

I’m not your maid!

You could at least let me know!

I don’t have time to burn.

Yes Miss, I'll hold on...

I made those cleaners search the whole shop!

Tell your Philippe that I made a special trip for him!

Turn that down.

It’s his, isn’t it?

It’s far too big!

Did you go to the usual one?

No...

The one on Rue des Morillons!

You got the wrong cleaners!

That’s no excuse for loosing clothes!

Hello, Jean?

Yes, How are you? I totally agree with you.

People are fed up with pretentious magazines!

Yeah!

We have the chance to begin with a solar eclipse in Java!

That's it!

We have permission to watch it at Borobudur.

We’ll be the only reporters there!

A fantastic article!

Philippe’s going!

That's the fascination!

The observatory has lent me a 30cm.

That was unexpected!

Absolutely!

I may go to Berkeley next year.

I’m on a lucky run!

It's great! I'm working on the Baraka article now.

Wait, I'll jot that down.

Oh, Im listening!

No. I won’t do it for peanuts!

OK... good!

That’s better, thanks. Thanks a lot.

Chat soon.

I did it!

Did Philippe call?

Yes...

He's in Karachi for 2 days.

He’ll be back on Tuesday. All is well!

You know, our first issue will appear this autumn!

Did you sleep with Philippe in California?

Yes, I slept with Philippe, and I’m sorry, but he’s as fantastic as ever!

I’m a fool.

Eliane is right, I'm a complete fool!

Philippe’s mad about you.

You’re a drag.

Really, I can't do more for you.

I know it’s rough for you.

But there's a limit! Where do I find the patience?

I know. You’re an exceptional woman.

I won’t be in your way much longer.

What's with you? Your line’s always busy!

Hi, Françoise!

- Will you eat with us? - Yeah.

Your brother is too much!

You found out?

What?

He's never there!

Chess. Parent's meetings. Teacher’s meeting. I’m fed up!

Every evening, I wait for nothing!

What're you doing?

Shit!

Give me the screwdriver.

I’m going to find a lover, you'll see!

The fur will fly!

To think most girls would make a scene!

Not me. I just wait.

I’m pleasant, cheerful...

And kind to animals!

To think, I starved to buy Robert a chess video-game!

Must be soft in the head.

Hello...

Yeah...

Where's the fire, Robert?

But I haven't seen her!

Yeah, she just got here, two minutes ago.

We eating?

I can’t discuss your sex life at the table.

Yeah...

Yes!

So you’re very cool, all liberated and all.

Won't be jealous if someone tells you Robert's cheating, right?

You won’t care, right?

No.

- Ok, then I’m telling you. - What?

It's not chess he plays, it's with other women!

Really?

Yeah, really... Robert has another chick!

It’s true!

- Where's the hidden camera? - Why would I make it up?

Her name’s Evelyne.

She works in a bookshop, or something like that.

And she has a daughter.

Right on the mark, he always wanted kids!

She doesn’t believe me.

It was just a fling at first.

Then he got involved. It got more complicated.

He asked you to tell me?

You have a fine way of breaking the news.

I knew I’d get bawled out.

What is this story for?

He’d have said. We tell each other everything!

Oh, really?

Nothing he doesn't tell me. You make me laugh!

If he kept anything from me, he knows I'd...

So, he didn't tell you. Françoise, tell her, she won’t believe me!

Come on! Is it true or not?

You can cope. We all learn to cope.

If it's true, I’ll kill him.

“And she kills her faithless lover

with a butter knife!”

For six months!

I don’t believe it!

I just can’t believe it!

“Wait, darling, I’ll call my wife and then we can relax.”

I’ll puke.

He's always been a double-crosser anyway.

It's nothing new.

That's not it...

No speeches now! Shit!

Our “liberated couple” sure is a success!

It’s just a bedroom farce!

Listen Antoinette, I just don’t believe it. We’ve never kept secrets!

Except flings that didn’t count.

If I knew where his chess club was, I’d go clobber that guy on the head!

He doesn’t play chess. Never did.

What?

Empty tonight, except for a few chumps in the audience!

Can I've some cheese?

There’s cold meat left.

You sweat blood on stage, give your all and from the audience nothing.

Not a laugh!

It's tough, very tough.

Get this:

Next job in June is a dumb TV film.

I’m Napoleon’s mistress.

He only comes up to about here on me!

How was the US?

- I’m working on a deal. - A handsome one?

A deal to finance my magazine!

Got a valium? Something like that?

Are you depressed, baby?

So now he’s with her! Entirely!

Yet we screwed like mad last night!

Stop it!

He loves you, he’s sorry.

Do I have to feel sorry for him too, the poor dear?

A bookshop girl. His own cultural level at last!

How old is this chick?

So, my poor dear?

I see everybody knows! That’s just great.

Don’t worry, it's not so bad, you’ll make up in bed!

Usually such problems end up with a good screw!

I won’t speak to him.

You don’t need to talk for that!

Listen, try to understand!

Guys can’t keep up with chicks like us! They're useless.

They want girls they can teach the ropes to!

Fresh meat you understand? Or the cute fat type.

The bourgeois stay-at-home type.

Excuse me, but usually...

it’s you who cheats. He has the right to

shoot his load too!

The filthy old bugger!

Don't hold back.

The trick is to act extra cool, very relaxed, off-hand,

you understand,

“My dear, I’m not jealous at all, I understand very well!”

Just stay cool!

And then you’ve got every chance of getting him back!

But if you say,

“It’s all over between us!”

Or worse:

“It’s her or me, my love!”

Then you’re sunk!

Then the guy'll play the martyr of great thwarted love, and say:

“Life parts those who love,

“gently without a sound and the

sea erases our footsteps…”

I can see you don’t know him.

He must be great to satisfy two chicks at once!

Good lovers are hard to find! You have to share, sorry Madam!

Take Philippe, he satisfies two!

More than that!

This chick's got one in the oven!

National Health’s deep in the red

because sex problems cause nervous breakdowns. Seriously!

Men are all rats! You think Philippe tells you everything?

We’re different. He and Françoise are beyond that.

Honey, they don’t screw all day anymore,

but he’s obviously still mad about Françoise!

You really enjoy that!

That’s wishful thinking on your part! Turn over.

A really handsome young reporter always travelling?

And Sir claims he's sweet as pie? No honey, it's nonsense, I know him!

Since we were that high!

Her legs! The Amazon jungle! She needs a carpet shampoo!

You can’t help it if your Philippe turns the chicks on, my dear!

It’s like whooping cough, some people never get it!

I slapped him! I feel better now!

He told me that in Polynesia men have several wives!

I'd smack him all the way there!

If I went there, I’d never come back!

Ladies, fight the recession with our inexpensive miracle dress!

This is the dress ladies that truly transforms...

Now here’s the basic style!

This way, it’s a beach robe for your next vacation!

An Indian sari, ladies!

Add a flower and a brooch and you have it!

Now here's the next miracle:

Add 2 flowers and 2 brooches and it’s a cocktail dress!

And now a Greek-Roman gown for evening wear!

Use the strings to part the robe, over the shoulders.

Tie it around the waist and use the mirror to blouse it up a bit!

There you have the Greek-Roman dress. And finally ladies, the Kimono...

With the same skirt drape it on the shoulders.

Tie the strings around you. Tie them at the back too.

Pull back the sleeves.

There it is! There you have the kimono.

So it’s slacks, a skirt and a dress. See it on the models ladies!

It’s machine washable and all for the exceptional price of 120 francs.

No not 120 francs. 100 francs ladies, an exceptional price.

It’ll end up being my fault!

Is it...

Pay the cashier.

He said I’m temperamental.

OK.

He even criticised my way of ironing his shirts!

Whereas I used to be his “ideal non-wife”!

Pay the cashier.

I never want to see him again!

Terminated.

The afternoon dress is the easiest to do!

Crossed on the front, crossed on the back,

Tied in the middle, under the bust,

or a brooch on each side.

And a flower in the middle! That's the adaptable dress!

Love, love, everywhere love!

- Hello, darling! - It wasn’t today, Mom.

Very, very good. You came out twice in my hand yesterday. Twice!

Must’ve been some hand!

You’ll also make money soon!

But it wasn’t for today!

Cut!

See, love is with you.

The thief upside-down, a quarrel. A slight quarrel.

He’s gone, but he’ll be back! It's all in the cards you know.

Mom...

Let’s go.

I can’t!

I wasted an hour getting here on the bus so...

You mind if I have your hour?

Thanks a bunch!

Do you think I’m hungry?

For dinner dates, ladies,

The Greek-Roman dress.

Throw one side over the shoulder. The rest wrapped and tied.

Like this at the back.

Around the waist and that's the Greek-Roman dress.

If you don’t want a baby he’ll sow his oats elsewhere, it's well known!

No one admits jealousy.

You should’ve kept the home fires burning.

You’re just vexed, that's all.

- He should’ve kept his mouth shut. - Bravo! Some attitude!

I’ll never forgive him.

With your “free love” and all, it’s worse than before!

You pay half the bills but don’t get half the pension!

Forgot my smokes...

Got a smoke?

Half your father’s pension is better than nothing!

I mustn’t see him ever again. I'll crack.

I’m bound to swallow his first line again.

He'll bamboozle me for sure!

Making up is fun! Your dad and I missed that.

We never had the opportunity.

Your dad was very nice and all,

but it wasn’t always rosy.

He’s become very narrow now. His teaching and all.

What? He’s got a good job! You women! Never satisfied!

Robert is handsome!

He could give you beautiful children.

I’d love to be a granny.

Anyway...

There’ll be a war. For 50 years, Jupiter...

Mother! Forget Jupiter!

I haven't finished my ice-cream!

Pay the cashier.

- Your biker dropped by. - Jimmy?

When he breezes in, the girls flip!

- What did he want - You, as usual!

Phone call for Christine Fabre!

You go. If it’s Robert, I’m not here!

Dear, you want me to stay? I have to be going.

- How much? - 100 francs. Or 200 in silk.

- What’s the difference? - The price, Madam.

You’re unhappy too?

It'll be OK.

You can tell him he’s a bastard!

You tell him that!

It’s so good to sleep alone!

Then there’s no problem!

You might tidy up the living room.

In your own time! Bye, girls.

You can't keep this up. You’ve been at it now for 15 days.

Oh, of course, defend him, he’s your brother!

Françoise! Your glasses and keys!

I can’t go back as if nothing happened.

There. That's him.

Tell him I’ve got a lover!

Dunno why I don't have one.

Go on! Answer it!

Go on!

As you wish!

No, she just left for the Observatory.

He’ll get fed up.

I don’t care!

The other girl’s bound to be less of a drag. Wouldn't be hard!

- Here you are, Madam. - Thanks.

Come on!

The tall bird with the glasses.

It just can't be her!

She's already swiped his shirt.

- Look at that face! - I must be dreaming.

For Mrs Sophie Prouvé.

P for Prouvé...

Let’s have some fun.

I hope you’ll like it.

It’s better than the last one.

Like an autographed copy?

Just looking!

Very good, go ahead.

Tell me...

By chance do you have any books on Polynesia?

Of course! Follow me, please.

Is that where men have several wives?

Are you interested in polygamy?

Especially my friend. Half a man is all she needs.

I have this.

Tell me, is Robert really that great? Are you satisfied?

Not bad, eh?

Christine?

I’m Evelyne. I’m glad you’re taking it well.

Well, it’s pretty easy to make me laugh!

Robert was afraid we’d fight.

I hear you have a quick temper.

I’m so happy that things are clear now.

Clear?

We didn’t come here to hand you the keys.

It was difficult with my husband too, but you’ll get used to it!

We got used to it!

May I give you this?

Are you crazy?

Is this Peyton Place or what?

Tell me, haven’t I seen you before?

In a TV advert for haemorrhoids? That's it. You were so funny!

I’ll give you some free suppositories!

I must be dreaming.

She doesn’t impress me.

If I catch that hyena, I’ll mount her on my wall!

No, darling, we mustn’t feel guilty.

It’s no use hiding it!

Last night was wonderful. Keeps getting better.

Because I love you so!

I have a present for you.

I have a little present for you.

See you soon. I love you. So does Muriel.

Good bye.

Your love life’s OK, I see.

Yes, and yours?

I’m done with Patrick. He dated Chantal and kissed her on the mouth.

Some nerve!

Tell me, how do you like Robert?

OK, but all he talks about is politics.

It's all that matters.

And what if Robert lived with us?

With us? No way! Dad would never go for that.

"Difficult period for love due to Mars crossing Pluto"

Well I say you're spoiled!

Some years, we should just stay in bed!

Christine Fabre?

LET’S GO BACK TO SQUARE ONE. ROBERT, CHECKMATE!

That guy's a big clod!

They listen to my program while they cook.

Saved this just for you, Simone.

Doesn’t hurt to indulge a bit.

They must be cuddling on the beach now!

They're so cute together.

Is Normandy beautiful?

One weekend doesn’t mean they’ve made up.

That's mean, Christine and Robert are a real couple!

- He’s still stuck on the other. - No he isn’t!

It was just a little fling. A blip in the deal. That's all.

That woman's no fling, she’s a catapult!

A cata... what?

Interviews have to be funny or it’ll be a drag with only women.

Try for Mrs Santa Claus, she’s a ticket!

Or how about some filthy mistress or maybe Michael Jackson’s female cobra!

Or Napoleon’s 12 twin daughters!

Why not?

The cheese?

People want laughter, new blood, youth!

It’s fresh material I want!

You could use Christine for the interviews!

- Yes! - Why not?

She’s great.

It’s a deal! Here’s to it!

- How is my smile on the posters? - What posters?

The posters!

Sure, the posters... the posters!

Fantastic on the posters! We saw them...

Fantastic, extraordinarily...

And so natural!

You stand out like a… You’re dazzling!

All fake. 40,000 francs.

My ratings went up 5% after I changed...

Dentists?

No, my style dummy. My style! You get me all confused.

How can women want to tell their life stories?

Well, my audience is very middle class!

- “My audience is very middle class” - She’s really too much!

Look at this!

He hogs all the space

We know he’s your pet!

Philippe? I’m no fool!

Did he say that?

Who do you think he comes for every blue moon? It's not you!

It's for me! So I’ll do his shirts!

Who want’s coffee?

So few men, my dear, so few men.

Space travel for everyone will soon be here!

And listen, space travel is better than a facelift!

It’ll be enormous for sure, you should invest in it.

And Philippe’ll get to sell photos of it!

I imagine you're going to bring up her baby?

No, she won’t stay that long!

To let Philippe cheat is OK, but to support his girlfriend is absurd!

Look, you know me, potbellied conformity has just never been for me!

I wonder how you manage!

OK, how much do you want?

Normandy was great! We talked a lot. That chick's an intellectual!

Is that a dig at me?

She doesn’t turn him on enough, you know?

Really?

I’ve given him a week to send her packing.

I love it!

May I stay a bit longer, to get even?

Leave him to his own devices!

Yes, to help get ready for the baby.

I’m fed up playing nanny.

I’ll see him when I say so. So he’ll come running.

She hasn’t won yet.

Evelyne won’t let him go so easily!

Really?

Every time I go there, I run into her by chance.

I don’t like her face.

You know, she dumped her husband, so now she clings to Robert.

And he just can’t drop her like that! It's not very pretty!

Of course not.

Miss, is this yours?

Thanks.

This has made Robert and me much closer!

She won’t let him go, eh?

Hello, is Robert there?

You’re not Christine!

Then who are you?

He’s going too far. I hate sneakiness!

Three is all right, it adds spice, it's variety.

But four! Especially someone you don’t know.

The old battle-axe!

Welcome to snake city!

Killjoy. Can’t we even joke?

Seeing your lover tonight?

It’s good to get out of this chicken-coop.

- It’ll be a wild night! - You nympho!

You and your retro minds.

Sex is like food and wine.

Then you ought to go on a diet!

I bet Philippe’s scared.

The other day, she told the father-to-be

he was crazy about her just because she didn't want him.

Now she wants him too! It's a calamity!

I've been looking for you. Philippe called, he can’t come.

He had to go to Ireland. An urgent assignment.

He sends you all his love!

Forget all about it!

Let’s pig out, order the full works. You and me!

What do I see here?

Spring rolls? Your favourite dish.

Come on laugh, it’s good for the tummy.

I’m fed up of hero worship.

In 3 weeks you’ll laugh like me!

Oh sure, perfect bliss!

Guy problems always work out.

You must be kidding!

With that chick at your place?

- Who? - Evelyne!

At my place?

I’m the affectionate type.

I want a husband, a lover and, uh, kids.

No! That’s not it.

- What? - Please.

You look like a dazed turkey!

Don’t overdo it. Men hate that.

All right!

Who would ever marry such a basket case?

Please!

Listen honey, if you play the village idiot,

without an original word to say,

it won’t work, understand?

No!

It’ll be perfect, don’t worry.

Charlotte Beldi, 22 years old.

Total disaster, I say!

I’m a licensed stenographer, but I hate offices, so I work from home.

All in all, I manage pretty well.

They’ll think you’re a hooker!

I’d like a country home with a summer-house, a garden and flowers.

I like gardening.

Grandma Geranium. What a joke!

I like to cook, but I can’t sew!

I don’t like to iron, but I... uh, do iron.

Do you spin dry too?

I like, swimming, funny films, animals, especially cats.

I want a husband and children.

I have to say it...

Girls like you don’t grow on trees. They’ll order you for Mother’s Day!

It's perfect!

Get this, he said it was to feed the cat! Some excuse!

There's always some back chat!

- You can reduce with pineapple pills. - Have you got cellulite now?

If you saw my ass!

I’ll think it over.

And in my bed!

He said, “You cling to dumb symbols”.

“You're right, like you”, I said.

Finished! All over!

He can’t go on two-timing me. No way! It's not on!

Listen Christine, we can’t go on this way.

Robert's not well. He can’t sleep.

He’s got cholesterol,

eczema, and a spinach allergy.

He won’t go to school, or do his marking!

I’m fed up!

Sorry, no second helpings! He's had all he's getting!

If you have any affection for him,

- Please... - Take him back?

I don’t mind relieving you on weekends. Weekends are super!

But during the week, he’s your problem.

For God's sake Christine, stop making him suffer!

Is he suffering now? So it’s him who’s suffering now.

So, I see you’re a great housekeeper.

It's a vocation. Well done!

- Since you and he separated… - Have we separated? That’s news.

Bitch!

Listen, it’s time you faced the music.

Be an adult!

I’ll soon get my divorce. I hope you realise!

Do you realise I gave him two weeks to finish this sordid tale?

What a pity! Seriously, what a waste!

At least I tried!

Real class!

She’s got gall!

What does he see in her? With that constipated look.

Doesn't she have a broom up her ass?

He fed her a line, says he can’t dump her now.

Madam, I want a curly one like that,

brown like that, and long. I want a radical change!

You don’t say!

Actually, it's me he's fallen for, it’s me he cant give up!

You could at least be polite!

Oh, yeah?

Come to my office after work.

No way! And you can rot in this dump alone! Ciao!

Hello, Jimmy? It's Christine. Yeah...

Good news, I’m coming over.

Why not? What do you mean? What're you saying?

No, you're crazy, who cares? We can eat sandwiches.

No, if you don’t want me to force myself on you, I won’t!

I’ll be right there. Fast as I can.

We’ll see what happens...

Hello, Robert and Christine are not here.

If you see Robert, you might tell him to stop screwing around

and choose between me and that hysterical dust rag!

Speak after the bleep. Bye.

Robert, I’ve had enough.

I’m going away with Muriel. Don’t try to see me again. It’s no use!

You’re truly a coward.

It's all over between us!

You lay too much.

Lie, I mean.

Shit...

Hey! Take it easy!

Just because he turned out to be a dud is no reason to sulk.

Jimmy! If only you’d asked me!

I don’t give a shit about Jimmy!

And me, I can’t even get one.

And you certainly won’t like that.

Anyway, who’d want a guy who plugs G-strings?

What?

Who poses for G-string ads?

Oh. The guy bitten by the tsetse fly.

I must be dreaming. He can’t choose, he wants to keep us both.

“Look, Robert I’ll come back!”

He’ll be bored shitless with that bookworm and her library.

Guy’s aren’t everything.

Thank God!

He makes an ass out of me and I wait like a nerd!

And again, dear, again!

Thirty more times with ten kilos.

You stuff you’re face so much you’re all flabby.

Work on your abdominals!

He’s too dumb to be alive!

"Marry me!"

I thought he was joking!

Honestly, I couldn’t believe it! To sink that low.

Incredible, I couldn’t care less, but really.

As you can imagine I went crazy! I had to!

Sooner or later, guys go in for the family-baby-slippers-meatloaf trip.

He doesn't get it!

He told me, “She needs stability and security”.

At least I had 7 years of fun.

- She conned him into it. - She got him because he was ripe!

With you, it was getting stale.

The abdominals... There you go.

You have no job, you want no kids, what good are you?

Tell me!

No good at all!

Going to a party?

A costume ball for past students of his college.

I’m going dressed as a banana to surprise him.

I want half the flat.

I paid half the mortgage for 7 years.

Should’ve put it in writing!

It’s not true!

Patrice was arrested.

Cruising in the Tuileries.

Patrice is normal.

Everything's normal.

The cops made it up.

My pills!

You women! Always blubbering over men.

Just look at you. Crying gives you wrinkles.

You can see the results in her!

Come on, let's get going.

You need to work on the body. You don’t need pills.

What has that crazy woman got against me?

I’m going to knock her for a loop!

Poor Simone. After 15 years she finds out her husband’s gay!

No worse than the rest!

“In the national interest…

“In the interest of our national campaign

since you can’t change your breasts, change your bra!”

“Give your bust a break!”

“Go easy on your bust!”

“Buy a bracing bra!”

“Buy the bracing bra now!”

“The best for your bust!”

“Your breast are your trademark!”

“Do you mean me?”

“Ladies, it's a boost for your boobs!”

“it's a boost for your boobs!”

No... no... no... and no!

I can’t work it out by myself. Can't do it.

Eliane’s a bitch not to help me!

Simone’ll never take me like this!

But if I’m ever on TV, I know one dude who’ll flip!

He'll be at my feet! At my feet that guy!

Your signature’s no longer valid.

What do you mean?

You can’t draw on that account anymore.

What is this shit?

OK!

It's beautiful!

So, you saw your brother?

It's complicated, I explained.

What's complicated?

He agrees in principle, but he hasn’t got the cash.

He owes me for half the flat. He can just sell it!

- Who drew that? - It’s a photograph you twit.

A guy photographed that?

No, it was a satellite: Voyager II.

He just has to sign it over!

He owes me 70,000 francs for 7 years house-keeping.

Good pay check for a chick who never touched a mop!

I could have.

- Where’ll he get that kind of cash? - I don’t care!

What’s wrong?

It’s a boy!

You couldn’t ask for better!

Come on, come see.

Let’s show her!

Isn't it fantastic!

Men are getting scarce around here!

A real little man with all his plumbing!

I said that for your own good!

She didn’t waste any time!

I bet she changed the locks too!

Don’t throw these away.

You’ll end up a bag lady.

I kept telling you to get married!

Should be married!

I meant it for your own good!

- And think of the next war! - I don't want to.

It'll be each for themselves!

- Don’t marry a Bolshevik though. - Stop bugging me.

And now “The Ideal Man” a programme by Simone Noury.

She should talk, with her bald, fat husband! He’s a tub of lard!

A real round roast!

Mine will be perfect, or else no way!

Rich, nice, hardworking, funny, sensual.

A non-smoker… I lost my hat!

No hair. Hairy apes make me puke!

Am I boring you?

SIX MONTHS LATER

OK, Let’s go!

Are we on?

Hello, today “Muscle Women”, with our guest host Mariana Kazinski

Firstly a question from our listeners, they want to know about doping, Mariana.

Only a very few women body-builders use hormones.

They use the hormones in order to get spectacular results.

Femininity seems to be on the wane.

She’ll turn out a tomboy!

She's Daddy’s little flower!

“A flower, Daddy’s flower”

Like hell! He hates it when she craps!

“You should change her, dear!”

…fighting old age.

It’s a war against wrinkled, flabby bodies, stretch marks, varicose veins!

We keep shrinking!

We get crooked spines, rheumatism, twisted hands, sagging breasts!

The breasts sag like big empty pockets.

The stomach bulges like a spare tire and the skin gets all wrinkled!

We interrupt this interview for a word about our national campaign.

Then back to our passionate discussion with Mariana Kazenski!

You can’t change your breasts, so change your bra!

Give your breasts a break!

Oh well, do as you like. I don’t wear one myself.

Mine can stand alone.

Music!

Hello my angel, everything OK?

You got your work done? Fantastic!

How did it go today? Great!

Can we repaint the bathroom this weekend?

You promised! We’ll do it together as a family.

And get the curtains for Muriel’s room.

OK, I love you.

I love you. I miss you.

I bought a tool kit. I can do my own repairs now.

It's true, most men aren’t helpful anymore.

But I... can’t complain about mine.

No, I won’t go to the theatre with you. I don’t want to and I’m busy.

Thanks a lot anyway.

Galloping after me again! Must be bored with his bookworm.

He wanted her, now he’s got her. He’s just conning me to keep my cash.

The nerve, asking me if I’ve found another guy!

You stopped counting when you went nympho. Think I'm just waiting around?

“...see the procession of Tamils being fired on from behind”

That guy yesterday wasn’t bad.

373 72 21!

- Doesn’t miss a cue! - And this?

Yeah, I thought we could change it around in the programme, Simone.

We'll see! Let's get on.

“Wears no aftershave, smells good, well dressed,

“but relaxed,

“Charlie, big hunk but not too always tanned!”

- Full house! how scary! - Stage fright?

“....but relaxed, beard, stubble, very virile!”

- We’re friends of the star, Eliane Clément. - We have seats reserved.

- For four!

- Four. - Where's the dressing room?

Up those stairs to the left.

Here, your tickets.

My tooth. I lost my tooth!

I lost a piece of my tooth!

Oh, no!

That beats all!

Don’t move, you’ll crush it! Help me find it!

This is not happening. I’ve got tachycardia now!

Who is it?

Hello!

Hi, honey! What is it?

What’s wrong?

You’re in luck! A full house! It’ll be great!

- You like it? - It's great.

- We’ll go. - Here, good luck.

We’re going to clap like mad!

We’ll go! Break a leg.

You’re beautiful!

like in that movie La Chartreuse! You know with Gérard Philippe!

- It’s a disaster! - It’s not that bad!

Your ex is here.

- Really? - Hypocrite!

Think I should put something around...

How could he have married that church hen?

What a mess!

I can’t stand that Evelyne!

What a fucking mess!

She’s frigid now. Some hair pills wrecked her hormones!

Charlotte, forget her! I don’t care anymore.

So she’s an ice-cube, eh?

I thought she was at least a good lay!

Must be hell!

She wouldn’t win a prize with her pussy!

How do you know?

Moron!

What’s eating her? Was it something I said?

Muriel, come to dinner.

He could’ve let us know he’d be late. We've been waiting an hour!

What a life!

No movies anymore, no cakes. What a drag!

Why not apply for a new mother?

You made chocolate cake!

Eat your avocado while it’s still cold.

- You screwed up your act and mine too! - If you’d only seen yourself, you bitch!

This is 652.

No, I saw him last year! Can’t you get rid of him?

Is he on sale or what?

Have you seen? All the new ones are duds.

- Only 8521? - He’s the only one I gave an A.

8521 is perfect! He enjoyed meeting you!

And he’s a very choosy man.

He really blew me away!

Evidently...

He does live a bit far from here, but he’s very much in demand.

- What do you think? - About what?

About 8521?

But Charlotte, he’s hairy all over!

I thought you hated hairy guys!

I’ll use tweezers.

Play the last part again.

Seventh Heaven! Seventh Heaven!

Seventh Heaven!

Cut the fourth one. It's much too long!

As you wish!

I want you to listen to this.

To mix with the Charlotte piece. Listen...

It's not bad!

Should work well.

I’ve got another idea. Listen to this!

I don't think it's half bad!

- Oh, the fourth piece. - Yeah.

You’re a fast worker.

I never saw anyone get a programme together so fast.

Five days! Viller had a roller-skate accident. But I didn’t push him!

This place is the Vampire’s Ball!

No, I prefer my first idea.

Hello?

Robert? How’s it going?

You really exagerate! You really like it?

I’m glad... you’re proud of me.

It’s not too intellectual for you, is it?

Yeah, it's going well.

OK, I’ll see you on Thursday.

All my love...

And don’t forget my cheque.

- So, did you get it? - Yes, and I’ve signed!

Bravo! When do you leave?

Tomorrow.

- Hi Mom. - Hi honey.

Hi Miss.

I'll be at the forefront!

A computerized telescope with a 10ft diameter! Can you imagine?

No, not at all. But it doesn’t matter!

Don’t look so happy, Antoinette.

And you, do you understand?

Does Philippe know?

Berkeley’s only 7 hours by plane! Like Paris to Montellimar by car.

I’ll be here! To play lady of the house!

You bet!

Sexual desire is like food! The more you eat...

the hungrier you get!

I’m through with sex now.

I'm done with it. Meet the new healthy me!

And I’m not kidding!

Mine is a train engineer.

Once a month maybe.

But every time is like the first time.

I’m leaving. No more mama, no more baby,

- no crutch, no cripples. - Nice!

Without you... it will fall apart. Everything will collapse.

The phone again!

A woman can enjoy sex until she’s 90!

Of course!

Then there’s hope!

Hello?

Who's calling?

Just a moment.

- It’s Evelyne. - For me? Don't want to talk to her.

I’m not here!

Um, she’s not here.

You’re too much!

What does she want?

- I bet he’s got another woman! - No!

Aren’t you tired of discussing men all day?

It's not the first time he's slept out. When they sleep out it's with someone else!

I’m fed up with you band of harpies!

With chicks like you, it's no wonder men split!

What’s that?

A test to see if you’ll get a little brother. But not yet.

I want one!

I know, so do I.

Sorry but we’re out of babies right now! Now, on you go.

Now hit the sack!

Good night, my love. Here, don’t forget your baby.

- So, Mom... - Yes?

Since you married Robert, have you kissed other boys?

Honey, that's none of your business!

Tell me or I won’t tell you my secret!

Blackmail, huh?

No, I haven’t kissed any other boys! There you go!

And Robert?

- Some boys will kiss anybody! - Really?

Tell me your secret.

Well OK, here goes:

Remember the party Saturday?

When I danced with David. He wanted to kiss me.

- The nerve! - Yeah!

- So? - I turned my head away!

But he didn’t try again.

So I looked stupid!

I wanted to find out what it's like, so I kissed him.

- Yes. - And?

We kissed. Just like grownups!

It’s nothing much, almost disgusting.

Yes, my girl, but you’ll easily get used to it!

Then Nicolas, David's cousin, was jealous.

So I kissed him too.

- Two? - But only on the mouth!

I’m relieved.

Not bad. You do get used to it.

But in the ears...

that really tickles!

Naughty girl!

This guy's a mix of Marcuse, Marlon Brando and Kennedy all in one!

And he’s so funny. Such a good sense of humour!

He’s super. Everyone turns to look at him.

Even men!

He has a special charm.

He’s fabulous! Sometimes we're just lucky.

Hello, it’s me again... Missing you now.

Just to tell you, I love you!

See you later. I’m making myself beautiful for you!

It’ll take some work!

OK, I love you, now hang up!

On three!

One... Two... Three...

No stop it! No, hang up this time, otherwise I can’t!

I love you. Bye!

On three now...

Oh, he hung up.

Have you heard the latest news? Forgot to tell you earlier.

Robert has a mistress!

Isn’t that mad?

I wonder what he dragged up this time?

I know that shirt.

So it’s you!

Yeah, it’s me!

You're sleeping with Robert?

This way, please.

Excuse me...

Look, I want to say…

Oh hell!

What a scoop!

Tell me,

how is he?

Listen, I couldn’t resist, that's all!

OK, let’s not harp on about it all night!

Sex is like food and wine, right?

- He’s a great lover! - Yeah.

- He’s so great! - I know.

He’s Technicolor, Panavision, Dolby Stereo and more!

The worst is I don’t even care anymore! Don't care at all.

I don’t suffer.

No love anymore.

It’s ghastly!

Dumb job keeps me busy.

By the way, be on time for your interview. For once!

I promise!

Because it’s live.

- I promise. - Bye.

- Littler bug! - So what? It’s biodegradable!

She ate every bite!

This child is great!

It's all wrong! Everything’s all wrong.

Françoise has gone. Philippe is always away working!

What are you waiting for? Want him to make if official or go for good?

- Shake yourself! - What good am I?

I’ll set you straight girl! Then you'll see.

If I hadn’t ditched Robert, I’d be like you!

I hate what you're doing to Evelyne, it's disgusting!

What?

Overdrawn 70,000 francs?

Hold on 2 seconds. Miriam...

Will you help this lady, please?

I never wrote a check for 70,000!

Yes, yes, Robert. Yes.

But payable to whom?

Christine Fabre!

Hey guys, let’s switch galaxies, OK?

The Crab Nebula, I've spoken about it before, remember?

Saturn. The planet Mars... Are you lost?

No, no... First to the left, follow me!

Second to the right and straight ahead! It’s beautiful up there!

We’ll come back. But when?

When we all become bisexual…

or bisected! I dunno what to say!

Where’s Robert?

Where’s Robert?

I don’t know.

Now what are you looking for?

I'm not getting upset!

You’re stealing your husband, uh, my husband.

You’ve robbed his money!

What am I to do, jump in the Seine?

No, of course not.

Let’s calm down and I’ll explain. It's very simple.

I wanted him, but not anymore. Robert owed me money and he repaid me!

I got a tape recorder, you got a husband. If you've lost the change,

it's not my problem!

Pardon. Excuse me!

I'm sorry! This is not happening!

Am I too late for the interview?

It's not my fault...

lover-boy dropped in...

for a sexy nap!

If you know what I mean.

Your Robert’s a bit too much!

What is all this? What’s going on?

Don't go. Wait a second! We're going back on air!

Silence!

Those stairs up there are sure moving away fast!

We ought to move away too, because our old planet is sure out of whack!

Of course maybe it’s worse up there. We don't know.

We’ll discuss that tomorrow. So long! Bye, guys!

Wait!

You’ll get used to it!

In any case, Robert wasn’t all that great!

No one wants him anymore! He’s all yours!

I’ll divorce him!

Again!

Not just for that!

My dear, it's fantastic!

Cut!

There's love, love, lots of love!

Love, you bet!

There's love!

That one’s not bad!

English adaptation by ANDREW LITVACK

Subtitling by L.V.T. - Paris © 1985