Original subtitles

Quiet on the set.

Deathly quiet.

Fond felicitations, fiends...

and welcome to the Crypt.

Tonight's sordid saga is about a couple of kids...

with time to kill.

See, they're just dying to get into the horror movie business.

And if they're lucky, that's exactly what'll happen to them.

Lights!

Camera! Action!

Damn! Shit! Son of a bitch! Fuck!

What are you moaning about, Norm?

There were 53 Junior Mints in this box.

-There should be at least 54. -Maybe you inhaled one by accident.

Shit, Jess! There's a whole pool of butter...

down there at the bottom.

What're you eating, Normie?

There's nothing down there but unpopped kernels.

-Yeah, but that's the best part. -Will you stop being a geek?

-You're making me sick. -Hey.

I am not a geek, okay?

A geek is somebody who...

bites the heads off of chickens and then drinks the blood.

-You mean like you, Norm? -No, I mean like your sister.

Sure, buddy.

-Jesus, Norman, you are so full of shit. -Yeah, right.

I saw Android Geeks From Hell and the geeks in that movie did not bite--

-What'd they do? -They had this video vision...

where they ripped the veins right out of the chest...

and used them like straws to drink your blood.

-That is really a geek. -Look, those things were not geeks!

Just because some stupid movie says they're geeks...

-doesn 't make them geeks. -Shut up.

I'm not kidding, okay? I know what geeks do.

I read about them, all right?

Where, in your stroke book?

Hey, come on, man, that's my mom's book, all right?

-Your mom 's stroke book! -I mean it, all right? Take that back!

-Did you see that? -What?

There's something out there.

Oh, my God, you're right. It's a parking lot!

Come on, man!

-Shit, it's got a red eye. -Like Predator, right?

Come on, man. Look!

Damn you, door!

Fuck!

-I got you, Normie! -You son of a....

You video...

asshole!

Did you see the look on Normie's face?

You should have seen it, Normie. It was great.

I thought for sure your eyes were gonna pop...

right out of your head.

Stop it, Josh. You didn't scare me, okay?

Hey, guys, meet the star of my new horror film...

Chickenshit in the Alleyway.

You didn't scare me, all right?

Shit check! Hey, he's right guys.

Nothing down there but dangleberries.

Cut it out!

Hey, tell me, rich boy, got the balls to make a real horror film?

-Yeah, film Normie eating a Twinkie. -Yeah.

Hey!

Do you got them, huh?

-A real horror film? -Yeah.

Yeah, sure. What do you got in mind?

How would you like to shake hands with a dead man?

Damn. It's locked.

We're gonna have to go through the window. All right?

Now, come on, while there's no one around.

You know what? I'm not sure this is such a good idea.

What's the matter? Going pussy on us, Normie?

Bite the bag.

Come on! Come on!

Did you ever think about going on a diet?

-Shut up. -Hurry up.

You gotta watch that first step, Normie.

-It's a killer. -Very funny.

-Come on. Come on. -Hey.

-Jesus, it's hot in here. -lt smells pretty disgusting, too.

Wow! Hey, give me some more light, guys.

What do you think that barber chair's for?

Maybe Esbrook gives them a shave and haircut...

before he cuts them open.

Oh, my God! What the hell is this?

Hey, look!

You think maybe there's a dead guy underneath there?

-Let's go take a look. -You know my dad told me...

Esbrook once covered a dead writer's book in his own skin.

What did he use as a bookmark? His dick?

Wow.

-That's Mrs. Groves, the librarian. -Oh, shit!

I'm gonna throw up.

I didn't even know she was sick.

God, she was such a nice old lady, too.

-Oh, shit. Esbrook's back. -Let's get out of here!

No, wait! Hide! Hide!

Get the fuck out of here!

Norm, get over here.

Get in.

In here.

Lucy? You're uncovered.

Are you trying to get away from me...

after all we meant to each other?

You know, I never could understand...

what you had against me.

All those times you turned me down.

Mine. All mine.

Come on, old girl. Give us a smile.

Come now. You can do better than that.

There now. That's better.

Now, what's this? Is there something you want to tell me?

Goodness! I let you lie around too long, didn't l?

You were going to purge before I was ready.

Oh, Lucy, Lucy, Lucy.

I'm speechless.

Oh, Lucy!

Guys, come on. Let's go.

What if somebody saw?

Norm! Norm!

...I thought that was my job. What's the matter? You look sick.

My stomach is a little upset. I need some more paregoric.

You know, there are more modern remedies than paregorics.

What can I tell you? I'm just an old-fashioned guy.

What are you doing here?

I want my cut.

From now on, I want to be paid on the night before the funeral.

You're right. You are paranoid.

Here.

-What the hell is this? $500? -It's a $1,500 funeral.

She's just a goddamn librarian, for Christ's sake.

After expenses, I'll be lucky if I make half what you're making.

Expenses. Don't give me that.

You're gonna stick her in a pressed oatmeal coffin.

You want to make more money on this? Next time you doctor a prescription...

why don't you pick somebody that can afford a deluxe funeral?

As a matter of fact, that's exactly what I did.

I just sent some asthma medication to a guy who can definitely afford...

your top-of-the-line accommodations.

Really?

I had a feeling that would put a smile on your face.

And there's Richard Schwartzberg. And I know he's not a rich guy...

but you'll be seeing him soon.

Okay. I'll send that paregoric.

You guys, I'm not kidding. That's what happened to Mrs. Groves.

-Esbrook and this other guy killed her. -Would you give me a break, Norm?

Maybe they're right about masturbation. Maybe it does rot your brain.

Look, I'm serious, okay? This other guy's a doctor, a pharmacist or something.

He said he was gonna poison some rich guy's asthma medication.

Get a life, Normie.

Hey, Josh, you're not going to believe what Normnuts here says...

happened to him last night.

You know, after we left.

My dad died last night.

-What? -How did it happen?

-He had a asthma attack. -Asthma?

Did he take medicine?

Yeah.

Why? What is it?

Josh, we gotta have a talk.

See, Norm says that Esbrook, you know last night in the mortuary...

My name's Joshua Quan. My father....

My father's been murdered by the town's undertaker.

Sebastian Esbrook.

And the pharmacist at Grundy's Pharmacy.

-Piece of shit who wears snakeskin shoes. -We....

Our mission is to try to get all the evidence on tape that we can--

-So we can fry this son of a bitch. -Yep.

We know some or all of us may be killed by the time this is seen.

I hope that whoever finds this tape will bring it to the right person.

Let's go, man.

Is the pharmacist there?

-Oh, shit, man. There's two of them. -How are we gonna see their shoes?

Ain't nothing to it. Watch this.

I think it's that one.

I bet he's got a.38 on his ankle.

-What about the other one? -He's just an old fogy.

-He boosted a skin mag. -God, I hope it's better than my mom's.

-God! They saw him. -There he goes!

-Jesus, they're stopping him. -A regular kamikaze.

Oh, right! The shoes.

Damn it, neither one!

-Got a new toy, boys? -Oh, shit.

Hi, Mr. Grundy.

Why are you pointing your camera into my store when there are so many...

pretty girls out here on the street for you to take pictures of?

Norman, I'm glad you came by today. I've got some deliveries for you to make.

First one's for Sebastian Esbrook at the mortuary....

-Joshua, the shoes! -He's the one that killed my dad.

I've got an idea.

Jeez. Mr. Grundy. Who'd have thought?

Oh, bodacious body!

Yo, guys! Presenting Mr. Esbrook's new and improved paregoric.

Be careful with this stuff, man.

Would you give me a break? Are we ready, or what?

Yeah. I hope he doesn't drink this stuff, we could all get the chair.

I wouldn't worry about the chair if I were you, Normie.

-I don't think you'd fit in it. -Come on, let's go. Go!

All right, don't push me. This is dangerous.

Hello. Anybody home? Grundy's.

Yes?

Hi. I got a prescription for you from Grundy's.

-Yes, well, give it to me. -Okay. Here you go, sir.

-Pretty strong prescription, huh? -Who gave you this?

-Eat it raw, fuzznut! -Come back here!

-What was that stuff? -Come back here.

-Battery acid. -Who gave you this?

All right, come on. Let's go!

You guys, go in. I'll wait outside, all right?

Go! Go! Go!

Shit! I think I broke the camera!

-Wait, wait, wait. -This way. In the office.

I got it.

-What are we looking for? -I'm not sure.

-We'll know when we find it. -Look around.

-Have you found anything yet? -No.

Hey! Check this out!

$5,000? Esbrook told Grundy the funeral cost only $1,500.

-Oh, shit! He's screwing Grundy. -Yeah.

Fine. We got a little screwing to do ourselves. Take these with you.

We gotta find you a place to hide.

-How about up there? -Oh, good idea.

-Okay, take the camera. -All right.

Here, give it to me. Now get going! Get going!

We'll have a splendid time, Mr. Schwartzberg.

What? He's dead?

Oh, shit! Batteries.

Oh, man.

I'm coming!

Damn it! Hold your horses!

Nate.

You've burned me for the last time, Sebastian.

Someone dropped off a bunch of your invoices.

-Your real invoices. -What?

I'm putting an end to this whole stinking mess. It's over.

Well, I don't think so, Nate. Unless, of course, you'd like me...

to tell the authorities what really happened to your wife.

Seeing as they missed the fact that she was poisoned...

the first time around. Maybe they'd like a second chance.

You know, I had a feeling you'd say something like that.

-Shit. -Nate, no, Nate.

You're overreacting. It's that fat kid.

He faked all this just to set us against each other.

Look, I've got proof right here.

You stupid fool.

Comfy?

What....

What are you going to do?

You're wrong about me burning you for the last time, Nate.

A little taste of your own medicine that you had delivered.

-What are you talking about? -Put your head down.

Open wide.

You bastard! That's the last person you'll ever kill, Esbrook!

You're dead, you little son of a bitch!

Hey, hey, hey. What about me?

Yo! Asshole.

Hey, shithead.

Watch the birdie.

You're a killer, and we got it on tape.

All right. Put down your cameras and give me the tapes.

-Come and get them, Pissbrook. -I got your camera right here, dickwad.

Give it to me.

Give it to me. Give it to me.

-Give it to me. -You're going out of business, Esbrook!

Shit!

Oh, I see. You want to play rough, huh?

All right, gentlemen, I'm tired of the games. I want the tapes...

and I want them now.

Give me the tapes, or I'm gonna blow your little friend's head off.

You have three seconds. You think I'm kidding?

All right. One...

two....

That sucks.

Yeah.

This is fucking great.

That's for my father, you asshole.

Shit!

Hey, look! She's smiling.

Oh, well. Poor Sebastian.

A brilliant career going down the drain.

As for the kiddies, Josh gave up on making movies.

Seemed he didn't have the guts.

And the others, they became lawyers.

Must have been the taste of blood.

After all, they were certain they'd gotten themselves a killer.

I mean, who wears shoes like these except a killer?

So until next time, see you later, alligator.

English