All language subtitles for 1967 - The Ambushers

All controls are go. All power is go.

Switch controls. Prepare to launch.

Control to pilot.

Checklist complete for test flight.

Stand by for power.

Force field established. it's all yours.

If this works, the planets are next door...

and the universe is just around the corner.

Vince, what is it?

- It's jammed.
- What?

Everything is jammed!

One of the main reasons
for this refresher course...

is to keep you up to date
on the latest methods and weapons.

This little gadget here
dissolves metal electronically.

Easy to conceal,
extremely effective in times of danger.

- That's when the danger usually starts.
- I like my way better.

Now if you ladies will follow me over here.

Lucky Linda!

Yes, imagine,
working on a field problem with him.

How do you like that?
I didn't even get to squeeze the trigger.

When you say you're a 38,
you ain't just kidding.

It's not a gun, Mr. Helm.

It's a new weapon they gave me,
developed right here in our lab.

- And developed pretty well, too.
- Here, I'll show you.

If you'll turn around.

Are you aiming or just being modest?

I'm sorry I tricked you, Mr. Helm,
but may I point out...

You already did.

That's why you're here:

to become familiar
with our latest equipment.

You're right. An agent should always
keep abreast of the times.

You see, it's sewn right into the stays.

A retractable gun barrel. Fires on contact.

That's some kind of crazy holster.

I guess the lesson's over with for today.

- Now, where were we?
- No, you don't.

Those things come in pairs.

- That's him.
- Really?

Matt Helm.

Don't shoot.

Help me! Help!

- Whoa, honey.
- He's trying to kill me.

- It's all right, Sheila.
- Sheila?

- Please.
- Sheila Sommers?

- Do you know her?
- Yeah, we worked an assignment together.

Don't you remember me? Matt Helm.

Come along, Sheila. Everything's all right.

Attagirl.

She thinks every man is trying to kill her.

When I knew her, she'd
kill them right back.

What's the story?

That's what we'd like to know.

She stumbled out of the jungle
a few weeks ago.

Beat up pretty bad. In deep shock.
Can't remember anything.

She's going to be here a long time.

Long-distance call for you, Mr. Helm.
Hop aboard.

I go pretty fast.
Better find something to hang on to.

Crazy.

- When am I getting out of here?
- You're not.

Come on, Mac.
I don't need a refresher course.

Every girl here is built like
the Aberdeen Proving Grounds.

You're not there for a refresher course.
Not anymore.

Matt, do you remember a girl
named Sheila Sommers?

Yeah, I just bumped into,
well, what's left of her.

What about her?

I don't want to discuss it now.
Your secretary's on the way.

- You'll find out a few things from her.
- You told Lovey?

Well, no, not exactly.
But you'll get the message.

Mr. Helm, it's time for
your fencing lesson.

Fine, now it's The Guns of Navarone.

It is a great pleasure and thrill...

to be part of your wonderful organization.

Where are you from,
Bridgeport or someplace?

I'm from Paris.

And we French are using
more and more girls in our work.

It opens up a whole new area.

En garde.

Right, then maybe later on
we'll do a little fencing, too, huh?

- How are you feeling underneath there?
- Just fine.

You just look lovely.

Gil, we have Sheila Sommers here.

- You said you'd give her an appointment.
- Sommers?

Yes, of course.

You're lucky we can squeeze you in today.

She looks like she was squeezed in
long before she ever got here.

We want her to feel
like a beautiful young woman again.

- Have you tried prayer?
- We've tried everything.

That's Matt Helm's secretary.

- What's her name?
- Lovey Kravezit.

- Lovey Kravezit?
- What would you call her?

Okay, Miss Kravezit, you're cleared.

Thank you.

And thank you.

- Would you like powder or cream?
- Surprise me.

I'm just a masseuse.

You surprised me.

Relax, you're all tensed up.

Mr. Helm, I just this second got here.

- Am I interrupting anything?
- No, she's just a masseuse.

I think I've got everything you want.

Yeah.

I brought your electric toothbrush,
and I even brought your mouthwash.

Only 36% more cavities.

But you don't care.

- Will there be anything else?
- No.

Yes. I'll meet you in the steam room.

Relax, you're all tensed up.

Here?

We're alone.

I guess it's kind of romantic.

Haven't you got a message for me?

- You always said I did.
- From MacDonald.

- No.
- No message? Are you sure?

There are messages and there are messages.

That's the way everything's been going
around here.

Haven't they taken good care of you?

There's taking care and
there's taking care.

There must be some little something
that I can do for you.

Poor Mr. Helm.

Okay, Matt, hold it right there.
I knewyou'd get to it.

What is this?

- Candid brassiere?
- Now listen.

- I'm all ears.
- Stop whatever you're doing.

- I can't hear a thing.
- Sheila Sommers holds the key...

to the most serious crisis
our country has ever faced.

Get close to her, Matt.
That's your assignment.

I want you on top of this
from morning to night.

I beg your pardon.

And furthermore, Matt,
don't let anybody there know what you're...

So much for his message.
Now, about your message.

- Who's Sheila Sommers?
- That's what I say.

Mr. Helm, it's time for your physical.

I'm way ahead of you.

Your attention, please.

As part of your final examination,
here is today's problem.

Imagine that you are a group of strangers
sharing a compartment on a European train.

One of you is supposed to be
a secret agent...

carrying a coded message
for a foreign power.

The assignment is to uncover that
secret agent and obtain the coded message.

The lights will be extinguished
from time to time...

to simulate passage
through several tunnels.

Good luck.

The man said to uncover the secret agent.

Attention, please.
This concludes today's exercise.

Please report to your officer in charge
for further instructions. Thank you.

Now we stop playing games, Mr. Helm.

No, not again.

This is not an experimental exercise.
This is a real gun with real bullets.

The only things loaded around here
are the girls.

What are your orders regarding
the missing experimental craft?

The what?

The so-called flying disc
your scientists have developed.

My lips are sealed.
I will never divulge that information.

Pretty good, huh? Can I go?

If you don't answer the question...

I'll kill you.

That's what I call really flunking.

Now you know why you're here.

To get killed.

Matt, have you ever seen a flying saucer?

Is that your way of offering me a drink?

We built one.

The first earth-built vehicle
to use electromagnetic force.

You're putting me on.

- Somebody kidnapped it.
- I don't blame them.

And Sheila Sommers took it up and...

Wait a minute. You put
a girl in that thing?

And for a damn good reason.

You had a boy pilot, too?

Sheila Sommers is the best pilot
that lCE ever had.

But that's not the main reason.

What's the difference why?
She came back without it.

- What happened?
- That's what you're here to find out.

She can't remember.
We think you can help her to remember.

- Me?
- Sure.

You and Sheila worked an assignment
together once, remember?

As man and wife.

Yeah, newlyweds.
We were supposed to be on our honeymoon.

What I don't do for my country.

She won't let a man come near her.
But that's never stopped you before.

And maybe you can find out what we can't.

But there's one thing
I would like to find out.

There's only one way
he could have gotten in here.

Now, somebody on our side isn't.

No.

Just something to quiet you.
To help you to sleep.

- Help!
- It's locked.

They've heard you do that before,
and it won't...

- Help!
- Just put you to sleep.

No!

Hello, Mac, what are you doing here?

How do you do, Doctor?
I assume you've met my husband.

It's a good fight.

Here it comes.

When the chilli pot is nice and hot
Then drink some Montezuma

It will dance senor on to the floor
And shake senora's bloomer

She'll call you a sport
drink pint, drink quart

It will warm your solar plexus

Be a real big man, look for the can
That got the double "X's"

That's it?

Yeah.

We did some digging around.

That's a very popular
jingle down in Mexico.

That won't do us any good.
Sheila could have heard it anytime.

Maybe not.

See how you like it in this tempo.

The marching song of a secret organization.

A bunch of fanatics from all over Europe.
Their leader was a man named Caselius.

We thought they'd gone out of business.

Now they're selling beer.
Who is this Mr. Montezuma?

He's a millionaire named Quintana.

Lives in Acapulco. His
real name is Chibnik.

Ole.

As far as we know...

he hasn't been doing
any fooling around there, except with beer.

No fooling around?

You don't tell me these two dames
were picked for their singing.

How would you like to take
Mr. Quintana's picture?

Do a big spread on him and the brewery
for a top magazine.

I don't know. ls the beer any good?

We've already set it up.

There are two tickets
on the 11:00 plane for Acapulco.

Two tickets?

- Sheila's going with you.
- No chance.

She thinks you're her husband. As long
as she's with you, she's all right...

- and she can help.
- Help?

The last thing I need is a dame around me
who thinks she's my wife.

You know how I operate.

Somewhere there's a man
who treated that girl like an animal.

Some way, she's going to see him again.
And when she does...

we'll know who's got what we want
and how we can get it back.

- I'm not going to do it.
- Yes, you are going to do it.

There's no other way.

Because wherever that saucer is,
the only one who can fly it out is Sheila.

Do you want to know why?

Before setting up this last flight...

they ran a series of lab tests
on a variety of animals.

They all came out the same.

The females lived, the males died.

- What were they doing?
- Don't you understand?

An electromagnetic field has a strange
effect on the male of the species:

it kills them, dead.

I now pronounce me man and wife.

A second honeymoon in Acapulco.

How did you ever arrange it?

It wasn't easy.
I just told Mac right straight out.

I said I wanted to do this magazine job
in Mexico.

And now, no assignment for lCE
till we get back.

Is the magazine the only reason?

Not exactly. I can't wait to
get you south of the border.

Why don't you go unpack
and freshen up a bit...

while I check the exposure on this camera?

Manager.

That sweet thing down there,
what's her name?

Senor, stay away from that one.

You don't want to have
nothing to do with her.

- Why not? Who is she?
- My wife.

Why, you miserable...

I have an appointment. My name is Helm.

Senor Helm? Matt Helm?

Senor Quintana's expecting you.

I have a collection
of all of your photographs.

You're fantastic.

You seem to make a girl
look so beautiful...

so exciting, so...

Would you like to pose for me?

Oh, no.

Who's gonna want a beer with a head on it?

Mr. Helm, at last.

- We also have a brand called "Three 'X's."
- That I gotta see.

My assistant, Mrs. Helm.

- Delighted.
- Hello.

- That's a crazy six-pack.
- It's quite an occasion.

We're rolling
our millionth barrel of beer today.

You're my kind of guy.

We're going to celebrate.
I'm giving a large party this afternoon.

You're both invited, of course.

- I'll have my car pick you up.
- Thank you.

Allow me to show you around.

I know your work, Mr. Helm.

All those beautiful girls you photograph...

- Makes you want to...
- I do. I did!

In these vats is where the grain boils
at extraordinary temperatures.

All the grain vats.

This is our light beer.

Care for a taste?

I never touch the stuff,
except when I'm working.

I always say,
Montezuma is good for what ails you.

- Get it?
- I got it. it's clever.

I often make humorous remarks.

You Latins are a fun-loving people.

Here's another one, an XXX. I'll try that.

Just like Mother used to drink.

Matt, look.

Yeah, Sheila?

- What do you put in this beer?
- Fantastic, isn't it?

It gives an average man
the strength of a giant.

He can handle a 1,500-pound load.

I know the feeling.

It's controlled by
hydro-mechanical servo valves.

I wonder what that tastes like.
Here's a new one.

Matt, darling,
we do want to take in all the brewery.

I'm doing the best I can.

These young ladies help promote my beer
all over the world.

They sure lift the steins
for dear old Montezuma.

- The fashions are fabulous.
- The famous creations of Cassini.

- Ole!
- Oleg.

I never could speak that language.

You might want to include them
in your layout.

No, I'm a married man.

Enjoy yourselves. Excuse me.

You sure you've never met him before?

- Of course not.
- I don't know.

- He looked at you awful familiar.
- That's more than you do.

You're not acting
very much like a bridegroom.

I'll take care of that later.

His name is Jose Ortega.

- They say he's a very interesting man.
- What's he do?

What does any interesting man do?

- Look for it at your newsstand.
- Just a minute.

No "unidentified blonde" business.

- My name is Francesca Madeiros.
- Madeiros. Is that Greek?

Where are you from?

- The bar.
- The bar? I've got relatives there.

No, I'm really from
the Hotel del Cortez. Cottage F.

It must be beautiful there
this time of the year.

- You should see it.
- That's what I like. A girl with spirit.

You going to put me in your magazine?

Right between the covers.

- We're here, if you need us.
- I got the wife with me.

As an added feature,
this outfit has been given a belt.

I could use a belt myself.

- Somebody knows, I tell you!
- I'm more interested in the girl.

Are you certain she's the one?

Not completely.
That's why I wanted you to see her.

Looks are sometimes deceiving.

What about the husband?

His name is Helm,
a very well-known photographer in America.

He specializes in girls.
He could be just another one.

I'll soon find out.

Senor Helm, may I have that film, please?

Beg your pardon?

Senor Ortega does not like
his picture taken.

A small quirk. it's the scar, I think.

I'm sure you understand.

- No offense.
- Thank you, senor.

Send this message to Matt.

Is this what you're looking for?

For everything you did to me.

- Hey, baby.
- Matt, can we leave now?

You honeymooners.
There's work to be done.

He's right, honey.
The party's just beginning to swing.

Have a drink. Dance a while.
Later on, we can have our interview.

- Hi.
- A little.

Who's your friend?

She invited me to her homeland,
the Hotel del Cortez.

- When you honeymoon.
- The more, the merrier.

Okay, baby.

I don't think I'm going to like
this next number.

Hey! Where's the funeral?

Come on, get with it.

Make them play. Let's go-go!

Come on!

Quintana, they won't play.

That's it.

Come on, everybody,
let's see what's going on.

Everybody drink.

- Everybody dance.
- What?

Everybody swim.

Get back to the hotel and wait for me.

- Aren't you coming?
- No, I don't want to miss the action.

Sometimes these things turn into brawls.
I don't want you here. Get going.

You'll tell me later. Now get going.
Come on.

Damn it.

Turn right on the next road.

I've got orders to kill you, baby.

But maybe if you're nice to me,
I'll let you live a little longer.

You don't waste any time, do you?

I just got here.

Looks like you started without me.

Home is everything you said it was...

loaded with points of interest.

What's on your mind?

I thought we'd enjoy
the Late Show together.

I don't have a television set.

All the better.

I certainly enjoyed your
little dance tonight.

You should have stayed. it got better.
I got carried away.

That's why I left. I didn't want to be.

Why did Quintana want to kill you?

Maybe he didn't like his proofs.

What is it he knows about you, baby?

Could be what I know about him.

I'd hoped you'd say that.

- What?
- His real name is Chibnik.

Everyone knows that.

Now, look, darling.

Darling...

I did something for you,
you do something for me.

- With pleasure.
- No, that's not it. Maybe later.

- Right now, though...
- Right now, what?

Where can I find a man named Caselius?

The last time I saw him,
he was in a helicopter.

Ortega?

Everyone knows that. Don't you?

You said he was a rather interesting man.

- Where are his headquarters?
- You tell me.

It's going to be like that, is it?

Don't you know?

- If I did, you wouldn't be here.
- I get it.

That explains the psychological warfare
in the elevator.

The old alma mater,
the double "X" beer march.

That was to break Quintana down
so he could run to Caselius...

and you could follow him. Why?

Would you care for a drink?

No, I'm not too fond
of that chloral hydrate.

Suit yourself.

All right, so much for that.

Now it is later.

That wasn't nice.

You can't blame a girl for trying.

You knew he was in there, didn't you?

I could hear his hot breath
every time you moved.

I have that effect on some people.

- What's wrong?
- I don't know.

You drugged me.

Just in case.

How did you do that?

Do you like my lipstick, darling?
It's a special brand.

There's a chemical that
penetrates the skin.

- How about your skin?
- I just drank the antidote.

That's right, baby. Get angry.

That increases the heart beat
and speeds up the drug.

Speed it up all the way.

Where is Caselius?

I don't know.

- The girl... What?
- What girl?

Francesca.

- What about her?
- Beautiful.

What a broad.

I'd like to...

She likes you, too, baby.
She likes you a lot.

You want to make it with her?

- Just tell her what she wants to hear.
- Beautiful.

That is not bad, but you
can do even better.

She's built like a...

That's not what she wants to hear.

Tell her where is Caselius.

I'll kill him.

I want to kill him, too,
but I have to find him first.

So tell me where he is.

Guadalajara?

Tecate?

Mexico City? Am I getting warm?

Very warm.

Hold it right there.

Where?

Get him out of it, fast.

I can bring him to, if
that's what you mean.

That's what I mean.

What a girl.

How'd you find me?

I remembered about her homeland.

To think some guys complain
about jealous wives.

Were you watching for a long time?

- A long time.
- Did I have fun?

Wow.

That's "wow"?

- I do vaguely remember one thing.
- Yes?

I seem to recall you saying something about
getting rid of Caselius yourself. True?

Why?

A certain country is undergoing
some political unrest...

thanks to Mr. Caselius.

My orders are simple:

To put the country to rest,
put Caselius to rest.

Now, who are you?

- Let's say we're both after the same man.
- Yeah.

Tough enough to get him
without fighting each other.

Unless, of course, we work together.

- Partners?
- Partners.

Once we know where Caselius is...

I have some forged papers
that will get us in to him.

We'll all take turns watching Quintana.
The first watch will be in the morning.

And chuckles can handle that one.

- You don't trust her, do you?
- I don't trust any woman.

You can drop the act now.

- Come on.
- I was going to, anyway.

I checked us out of the motel.

By now Quintana's men must be in the beds,
under the beds, and in the closets.

When did you snap out of it?

You know that day on the funny farm,
when that nurse tried to kill me?

When you walked in that door,
everything came back.

You sure fooled a lot of people.

That was the idea, Dr. Watson.

You know how Mac's mind works.
Never in a straight line.

I had to convince him that
I was 100% normal only if I were with you.

Then he'd have to send me back,
and I had to come back.

Why?

To kill Caselius.

I tried tonight, with blanks.

That's the lousy kind of agent I am.

No. You played your own hand.
For you, not us.

You jumped a gun.
Took a chance of blowing the whole deal.

That's the kind of a lousy agent you are.

Now that I've said that,
and knowing what I do about Caselius...

too bad you missed.

Don't answer it. it's Quintana
trying to find out how dead I am.

What do you mean?

The next time you send me off by myself,
look in the back seat.

Where are we going?

- What are you stopping here for?
- Quintana's a big man.

Every motel in Acapulco
has our description by now.

We'll spend the night
at the outdoor Hilton.

Baby, it's cold outside.

Maybe he's got some
blankets in the trunk.

There we are.

I wonder what that is.

Look out!

Instant motel.

Come on, step right in.

Are you ready for this?

Now that we're no longer man and wife...

I'll sleep on the other side.

If that bed tilts up and I
fall in the pool, I'm leaving.

Do you have a plan?

- Yeah.
- What is it?

I'm going to say it's getting a
little chilly and I think that...

we should cuddle up together for warmth.

Good plan. it might work.

I am the old Sheila.

You can depend on me.
I won't disappoint you.

You didn't.

I love my wife, but, oh, you, Sheila.

Senor, I think a double-cross.

I'm going in. You stay here.

- Matt, I'm scared.
- All right, I'll stay here. You go in.

Now I know we're partners.
We're trying to kill each other.

- Saved.
- Help!

I'm drowning!

- I can't swim.
- Drink yourself to the bottom.

That madman, Karl, he pushed me in here.

And you told him where to find Caselius?

- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Okay.

Please.

- Help me.
- What's happening?

The settling vats,
part of the fermentation process.

There are iron rollers.

- We'll be killed.
- Why? it doesn't hurt the beer.

- Don't let me go.
- Come on.

- Where's Caselius?
- I don't know.

- Caselius.
- He's in the jungle.

- Where?
- Copala Valley.

Help me!

You can still make a spare.

A little on the Brooklyn side.

Ole.

Copala Valley is about 100 miles from here,
according to this map...

and a torture test all the way.

Good.

I just hope that ape-man
was able to contact the lady...

and tell her where to find Caselius.

- You hope what?
- We can use her.

She has documents
that can get her into Caselius' hideout.

You can't trust her.

Maybe not.
But her gorilla tried to kill Quintana.

So she's not on their side, either.

We'll never catch her.
She has a big head start.

We'll catch her.
And when I called up this morning...

just to touch base...

she asked how the roads were around here
and if she needed a jeep or something.

I said the roads were all good
and that her car would do just fine.

So just about now...

she should be calling me
all kinds of a dirty...

no-good lying rat.

Howdy, partner. Funny place for a pit stop.

If it isn't the man from the auto club.

You were right, mister.
I didn't need a jeep.

I needed a tank.

I've been called that before, too.
Hop in. I'll give you a lift.

Why?

- Because you're a fun girl.
- Yeah. You're back on the team.

Partners again? I'm surprised you trust me.

You need us as much as we need you,
and you've got the papers to get in there.

That's right. So why do I need you?

To get out. Now get in.

- This must be the place.
- Okay, Big John, what's the caper?

Remember those pictures?

Let's stash these in the bushes.

You're taking over, you know.

You get to Caselius, show him your papers.

Maybe he'll go for it, maybe he won't.

But tell him somebody's following you.
I want him to be ready for me.

- Ready for you?
- I want to walk right into his hands.

- But, Matt!
- That'll prove you're really one of them.

And once he's sure that he can trust you,
he'll relax.

And the way I figure, he likes to relax.

Here, turn around.

That'll help.

Would you like me to leave?

Muss your hair up,
smear some dirt on your face.

- And then what?
- We'll play it by ear.

It's the last place I would have suspected.

I've taken a lot from you, little girl.

Maybe we shouldn't
see each other anymore.

That's the spirit. That's fine. Good. Here.

That's heavy. What is it?
A new kind of weapon?

Just put it in your purse.
Chances are they won't search you.

- How do I use it?
- You don't. That's my department.

You'd better get started.

How do I find our friend?

Just drive towards those mountains.
He'll find you.

And good luck, baby. You can do it.

She will.

What about a good-luck kiss?

Why not? I'm superstitious, myself.

Don't say it.
You may hate her guts, but she's a pro.

- Whatever she's pro, I'm anti.
- Come on, Auntie.

- What is it?
- I thought I heard something.

A taxi?

She ought to be there by now.

There's the jeep.

- I don't see the saucer.
- Patience, Auntie.

If there's something hidden down there,
we'll get a shot of it.

- What's that?
- It's a heat camera, infrared.

Well, look what's going on in the woods.

There's a hell of a big truck,
there's some motorcycles...

and there's baby. The man-killer.

They wouldn't keep it out in the open.

That's what the tracks are for,
to bring it to the launch site.

I'm going in at dawn.

Give me a few minutes,
then head towards the saucer.

I gotta find that controlling device
and put it out of action.

When Caselius hits the fan,
there's gonna be a lot of gunfire.

The minute you hear it, you fly.

- I fly, what do you do?
- I'll find something.

We have a long wait ahead of us,
so let's get comfortable.

How comfortable?

It's broad daylight.

What's the matter with a broad in daylight?

Suspenders and a belt?

I have trouble keeping my pants up.

Special brand.

Contains a magic ingredient: happy gas.

It makes you rather switch than fight.

Here we go.

Don't tell me
you're going to say "be careful"?

I wouldn't dream of it.

Be careful.

Mr. Helm, I've been expecting you.

Nothing like roughing it.

It can get rough, Mr. Helm.

Very rough, indeed.

You left something.

Show them in.

Gen. Caselius, may you walk in prosperity.

The girl is Helm's partner.
I found her nearby with this gun.

She has a great love for firearms.

We're old friends, aren't we, my dear?

- I owe you a debt of gratitude, Senor...
- Nassim.

A letter of introduction
from my organization.

As you can see,
I'm empowered to offer you a large sum...

for a certain aircraft in your possession.

How did you find me?

The light of the gracious moon
illumined my path.

Also, I followed Mr. Helm.

May a thousand tigers break every bone
in your body.

It is a very generous offer.

Mexican cigarettes, Mr. Helm?

I couldn't find my own brand.

As a matter of fact, I wouldn't mind
an American cigarette right now.

- Anybody have one?
- Sorry.

Is this what you're looking for?

You made a Picasso out of it.

- And you made something else out of me.
- I did the best I could.

You see, the lady represents
a rather well-known organization.

Maybe you have heard of it?

The Bureau for international Government
and Order.

B.l.G.O.

- Big O?
- Bingo.

She has made a rather interesting offer
for the saucer, herself.

Then we shall be bidding
against each other.

I'm afraid not.

I threw in a little sweetener
I don't think you can match.

I'm sorry to disappoint the both of you.

The bidding is over.

Just this morning,
I concluded an arrangement...

with an Oriental gentleman
whose name I cannot pronounce...

for a rather large sum,
which, happily, I can pronounce.

$100 million...

due on delivery of the saucer
this very night.

There it is.

Lovely, graceful, soaring bird.

Who would have ever dreamt...

that the first man on the moon
would be eating chow mein?

If there's two of them, they can have
their choice of egg roll or won ton.

Come, before we go our several ways.

A little celebration.

What I always wanted, a magic bartender.

The old Indian booze trick.

Cheers, 100 million of them.

- Skol.
- Sure it's cold, it's got ice in it.

And now I must make certain preparations.

Guard.

Francesca, Nassim, you will be shown
to my guest quarters to freshen up.

And you, my dear, you will remain with me.

And you, my friend...

You're going to say something rude.

The traditional fate of the spy:
the firing squad.

That's class.

- Be brave, partner.
- Don't worry.

The cavalry will come in the nick of time.
It always does.

Remember those pictures?

- My general!
- See?

I came to warn you,
that man Helm is on his...

Hi, gang.

He's on his way to be executed.

I assumed it was you who told him
where he could find me.

I had to. He would have let me drown.

- You swine!
- Good.

I like your attitude.
I put you in charge of the firing squad.

Yes, my general.

- Get down below. Have them report at once.
- Yes, my general.

And no mistakes!

No mistakes. Move!

May good fortune smile upon you.

May your steps be bathed in sunshine.

May I have a bottle of
this excellent Scotch?

Snap out of it, honey. You're a mess. Come.

Fix yourself a little bit.

You don't mind a little lipstick on you,
do you?

A general must endure many things.

And now a little drink so you can relax.

Here you can finish mine.

We don't want you passing out
at the wrong time, do we?

There, don't you feel a little better now?

I'll just run along
and leave you two young things...

to spoon in the parlor.

An excellent whiskey.

Have a drink, my friend.

You like that?

Wait. You want to see more?

Turn around.

Now you can look.

Thank you.

I knew you would know how to open it,
the top pilot for B.l.G.O.

Don't be foolish, man, you can't do that!

You'll be killed!

Come on, guys,
don't tell me in this day and age...

of atom bombs, flying saucers,
and secret weapons...

you'll stand me in front of a firing squad.
You're putting me on, right?

Silence!

I believe the expression is,
"Silence, Yankee dog."

Or "Yankee pig"?

- No blindfold?
- No blindfold.

- Don't I get a last request?
- No.

You sure got a lot to learn
about firing squads.

- How about a cigarette?
- No.

- Come on, just one little cigarette.
- Cigarettes are not good for you.

It's part of the tradition.
I'm a dying man.

I'm entitled to one cigarette, any
cigarette. A Mexican cigarette.

- I haven't any.
- He does.

I'll remember you from the great beyond.

Somewhere around Steubenville, I hope.

No matches.

No matches.

Now, don't tell me...

I got a match.

- God bless you, sir.
- It is my last one.

- You're nervous?
- You're right.

- Thank you.
- Don't mention it.

Get ready to shoot him.

- Hurry up!
- I'm doing the best I can.

That means "ready."

- That means...
- I know.

- That is pretty funny, isn't it?
- Yes.

- Having a good time?
- Yes.

I'd better save some of this
for the rest of the guys.

Go ahead, you tell them
they don't want to shoot anybody.

You're doing a good job, a fine job.

I'd better stop. I'll get smashed, myself.

I'll blow everything, you know: Sheila,
Caselius, and the saucer. Everything.

Your gun, please. Can I borrow your gun?

Here, take mine.

You're the best friend a fellow ever had.

Why don't you lie down
and sleep this thing off, gang?

Here, lie down.

That means "good night."

Don't make so much noise.

Do not be alarmed
if you hear anything unusual.

Keep your eyes straight ahead.
Do not investigate.

Now, my dear Sheila.

I'm going to ask you a few questions...

about the organization that you work for.

If you answer them correctly,
no harm will come to you.

If you don't...

You remember the experiments
we conducted the last time you were here?

Good.

And now...

to lend a little spice.

Okay, big boy, what are you waiting for?

You...

drugged me.

The hard way.

My general!

- Helm has escaped!
- What?

- I'll have you killed for this!
- I know that.

Never mind.
The girl is on her way to the ship.

- Get in there, lock the controls!
- Yes, my general.

The controlling device.

The Iron Lady is in control of the ship.

You have no chance.

Now, where were we, my dear?

Release...

- or we explode.
- All right...

let's play chicken.

That's better.

Yes, much better.

You hear about money...

Don't struggle. I can be very nice to you.
Very nice.

Why don't you let me hold you in my arms?
Isn't that what you wanted?

She'll never get away now.

Welcome aboard.

I'll pick you up on the way back.

Let Helm put you in the driver's seat.

I think we got it made.

Matt, you've had a great deal of success
around here...

instructing the girl recruits.

We're bringing in a new agent...

and I'd like you to teach this new agent
a few tricks.

A new agent? Blonde or redhead?

Brunette. Right in there.

Why not?

- You're the brunette?
- I was. Blondes have more fun.

We'll soon find out.

There'll be times when you'll find yourself
in a romantic situation...

with an enemy agent.

You've got to just let yourself go...

be soft and yielding.

- A little champagne.
- I don't drink.

- A little love.
- I don't drink.

Soft lights and music.

Especially music, that'll do it every time.

- Just relax. Now you pay close attention.
- You can count on me, sir.

Nice voice.

I'm sorry, Mr. Helm.
I guess I'm just not in the mood.

Kiss me.

Do you really like Perry Como that much?