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[TRAIN RUMBLING]
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00:00:23,523 --> 00:00:25,458
[CROWD CHEERING, APPLAUDING]
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00:00:45,345 --> 00:00:47,248
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CONTINUE]
4
00:00:49,116 --> 00:00:50,251
BERT:
When I was 22,
5
00:00:50,383 --> 00:00:51,718
I got involved
with the Russian mafia.
6
00:00:51,853 --> 00:00:53,687
Here's how it happened.
[CROWD CHEERING]
7
00:00:56,023 --> 00:00:57,357
I went to school
at Florida State.
8
00:00:57,490 --> 00:00:59,759
I was not a very good student.
[CROWD EXCLAIMS]
9
00:00:59,894 --> 00:01:01,028
This is how bad I was.
10
00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:02,629
I signed up for
a Russian class one time
11
00:01:02,762 --> 00:01:04,364
thinking it was Spanish.
12
00:01:04,497 --> 00:01:06,366
And it took me three classes
before I realized,
13
00:01:06,499 --> 00:01:07,667
"I don't think
this is Spanish."
14
00:01:07,802 --> 00:01:09,070
[LAUGHTER]
15
00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:12,173
So, I took Russian One,
Two, Three and Four,
16
00:01:12,306 --> 00:01:14,842
never learned a fucking word.
[LAUGHTER]
17
00:01:14,976 --> 00:01:16,911
The end of Russian Four,
same teacher pulls me aside.
18
00:01:17,044 --> 00:01:18,612
She's like, "Yo, we're taking
a trip to Russia.
19
00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:20,380
If you go, you'll get a minor."
20
00:01:20,513 --> 00:01:22,682
I was like, "Strasvutsia,
bitches, I'm back!"
21
00:01:22,817 --> 00:01:24,218
[LAUGHTER]
22
00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:26,053
We went to Russia.
The Russian mob ran everything.
23
00:01:26,187 --> 00:01:27,255
And they told us that
our first night.
24
00:01:27,387 --> 00:01:28,622
I'm in the back
of the class like,
25
00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:30,224
"This trip just got
fucking awesome."
26
00:01:30,358 --> 00:01:31,524
[LAUGHTER]
27
00:01:31,658 --> 00:01:32,759
Then, like, in exchange
for our money,
28
00:01:32,894 --> 00:01:34,228
they gave us
two young gangsters.
29
00:01:34,362 --> 00:01:36,230
The word for that in Russian
is "banditti."
30
00:01:36,364 --> 00:01:38,498
[OVER TV]:
So, I ended up
befriending the banditti.
31
00:01:38,632 --> 00:01:40,935
[LAUGHTER OVER TV]
32
00:01:41,068 --> 00:01:43,037
Then, one night,
the whole class is taking
33
00:01:43,170 --> 00:01:44,437
an overnight train trip
to Moscow.
34
00:01:44,571 --> 00:01:45,772
We rolled to the bar car
35
00:01:45,907 --> 00:01:47,574
like a big dick
in a locker room.
36
00:01:47,707 --> 00:01:50,811
Just-- not that I've ever been
that guy, but I've seen it.
37
00:01:50,945 --> 00:01:53,413
[LAUGHTER]
So, the banditti says to me,
38
00:01:53,546 --> 00:01:56,217
"Don't worry. When it gets
dark, we have good time."
39
00:01:56,350 --> 00:01:57,952
[SQUEALS]:
I'm like, "What are
we doing when it gets dark?"
40
00:01:58,085 --> 00:01:59,486
[LAUGHTER]
41
00:01:59,619 --> 00:02:01,454
Reaches into his pocket,
pulls a ring of keys out.
42
00:02:01,588 --> 00:02:03,556
He goes, "We're robbing
the whole fucking train."
43
00:02:03,690 --> 00:02:04,859
[LAUGHTER]
Now...
44
00:02:07,862 --> 00:02:09,796
I'm a good per--
I'm an okay person.
45
00:02:09,931 --> 00:02:11,798
[LAUGHTER]
46
00:02:11,933 --> 00:02:13,935
My point is,
we fucking robbed them.
47
00:02:14,068 --> 00:02:15,870
[♪♪♪]
48
00:02:16,003 --> 00:02:18,239
We robbed the whole train,
and then we drank hard as shit.
49
00:02:18,372 --> 00:02:19,472
[INHALES DEEPLY]
50
00:02:19,606 --> 00:02:21,008
Pulled in to Moscow
at 6:00 a.m.
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00:02:21,142 --> 00:02:23,677
hammered, piss drunk.
Train stops.
[IN RUSSIAN]
52
00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:25,179
My whole class,
they're in their pajamas.
53
00:02:25,313 --> 00:02:27,014
They're upset.
They've been robbed. I get it.
54
00:02:28,782 --> 00:02:30,851
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
55
00:02:32,552 --> 00:02:34,221
I'm the Machine!
56
00:02:34,355 --> 00:02:35,622
They look at me and look at
each other and they're like,
57
00:02:35,755 --> 00:02:37,992
"Fuck it! He's the Machine!"
58
00:02:38,125 --> 00:02:40,294
[♪♪♪]
59
00:02:43,463 --> 00:02:45,732
["TORN" BY SCOTT STAPP PLAYING]
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00:02:50,603 --> 00:02:55,176
♪ I thought I saw a man
brought to life ♪
61
00:02:56,676 --> 00:02:58,980
♪ He was warm, he came around ♪
62
00:02:59,113 --> 00:03:01,715
♪ Like he was dignified ♪
63
00:03:03,284 --> 00:03:06,087
♪ He showed me
what it was to cry ♪
64
00:03:07,654 --> 00:03:12,159
♪ Well, you couldn't be
that one I adored ♪
65
00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:14,996
♪ You don't seem to know ♪
66
00:03:15,129 --> 00:03:18,366
♪ Seem to care
what your heart is for ♪
67
00:03:20,101 --> 00:03:22,535
♪ But I don't know you
anymore ♪
68
00:03:22,669 --> 00:03:25,705
♪ There's nothing
where he used to lie ♪
69
00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:29,509
♪ Our conversation
has run dry ♪
70
00:03:29,642 --> 00:03:31,912
♪ That's what's going on ♪
71
00:03:32,046 --> 00:03:35,515
♪ Nothing's right, I'm torn ♪
72
00:03:35,648 --> 00:03:37,885
♪ I'm all out of faith ♪
73
00:03:38,019 --> 00:03:40,653
♪ This is how I feel ♪
74
00:03:40,787 --> 00:03:43,190
♪ I'm cold and I am shamed ♪
75
00:03:43,324 --> 00:03:46,994
♪ Lying naked on the floor ♪
76
00:03:47,128 --> 00:03:49,529
♪ Illusion never changed ♪
77
00:03:49,662 --> 00:03:52,199
♪ Into something real ♪
78
00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:53,767
♪ I'm wide awake ♪
79
00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:58,005
♪ And I can see
the perfect sky is torn ♪
80
00:03:58,139 --> 00:04:00,707
♪ You're a little late ♪
81
00:04:00,841 --> 00:04:04,577
♪ I'm already torn ♪
82
00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:15,890
♪ I'm already torn ♪
83
00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:18,526
♪ I'm already torn ♪
84
00:04:19,626 --> 00:04:21,862
♪ I'm already torn. ♪
85
00:04:25,900 --> 00:04:27,700
[SONG FADES]
86
00:04:27,835 --> 00:04:29,236
THERAPIST:
Okay.
87
00:04:29,370 --> 00:04:33,040
So, Bert, how we doing today?
88
00:04:33,174 --> 00:04:35,309
I feel fantastic.
89
00:04:35,443 --> 00:04:37,211
I'm eating clean.
I'm working out.
90
00:04:37,344 --> 00:04:38,512
Blood pressure's down.
91
00:04:38,645 --> 00:04:40,081
No more partying.
92
00:04:40,214 --> 00:04:42,715
I haven't called anyone
in this room the C-word
93
00:04:42,850 --> 00:04:44,617
in almost three months, huh?
94
00:04:44,751 --> 00:04:46,053
He's never called Tat
a C-word.
95
00:04:46,187 --> 00:04:47,455
Oh, she's never
acted like a C-word.
96
00:04:47,587 --> 00:04:48,788
[LAUGHS]
Thanks, Dad.
97
00:04:48,923 --> 00:04:50,524
So Mom and I act like C-words?
[BERT LAUGHS]
98
00:04:50,657 --> 00:04:51,859
You'd be shocked.
99
00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:52,860
Wait. Just leave it there.
100
00:04:52,993 --> 00:04:53,828
Mom! Mom?
[LAUGHING]
101
00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:54,995
Okay. Okay.
Mom. Mom.
102
00:04:55,129 --> 00:04:55,996
I'm still waiting.
All right!
103
00:04:56,130 --> 00:04:57,730
That's not fair.
104
00:04:57,865 --> 00:05:00,101
Bert,
why are we here?
105
00:05:00,234 --> 00:05:02,570
Well, I wanted you guys to see
the progress that I've made.
106
00:05:02,702 --> 00:05:04,138
[SASHA SCOFFS]
T-To see how far I've come.
107
00:05:04,271 --> 00:05:05,973
But personal growth
isn't something
108
00:05:06,107 --> 00:05:07,174
that you need to point out.
109
00:05:07,308 --> 00:05:08,843
Progress is something
that your family
110
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:10,377
should be noticing
on their own.
111
00:05:10,511 --> 00:05:12,913
Bro, that's why they're here,
to notice it.
112
00:05:13,047 --> 00:05:14,781
Hey, if you're not on my team,
shut the fuck up, okay?
113
00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:16,250
[TATIANA GIGGLES]
LEEANN: Okay, no.
114
00:05:16,383 --> 00:05:17,551
Has Bert ever talked about
his father?
115
00:05:17,717 --> 00:05:19,386
No.
This has absolutely nothing
116
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:20,720
to do with my father.
Huh.
117
00:05:20,855 --> 00:05:23,457
I had an incident
with my daughter.
118
00:05:23,591 --> 00:05:24,992
[CHUCKLES]:
An incident.
119
00:05:25,126 --> 00:05:28,195
That was caused by my lifestyle
and my behavior.
120
00:05:28,329 --> 00:05:29,997
And I am taking actions
to course-correct.
121
00:05:30,131 --> 00:05:31,832
LEEANN:
And you should know
122
00:05:31,966 --> 00:05:34,667
that he sounds just like his
father when he talks like that.
123
00:05:34,802 --> 00:05:35,836
BERT: Hold on.
Yes.
124
00:05:35,970 --> 00:05:36,971
My father
doesn't understand me.
125
00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:39,140
Same.
Not same. Not same.
126
00:05:39,273 --> 00:05:40,640
My father's
always correcting me.
127
00:05:40,773 --> 00:05:42,510
Same, same.
Not same, same!
128
00:05:42,642 --> 00:05:45,012
Your relationship with me
is totally different
129
00:05:45,146 --> 00:05:46,413
than my relationship with Papa.
130
00:05:46,547 --> 00:05:48,849
Okay, girls, please,
can you wait outside?
131
00:05:48,983 --> 00:05:51,485
Perfect. Come on, Tat.
132
00:05:51,619 --> 00:05:53,020
Deuces.
133
00:05:53,154 --> 00:05:56,056
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
[BERT CHUCKLES]
134
00:05:56,190 --> 00:05:57,558
So, you can see
what's going on here?
135
00:05:57,690 --> 00:05:58,893
BERT:
Yeah. You just saw that, right?
136
00:05:59,026 --> 00:05:59,960
Yes.
137
00:06:01,595 --> 00:06:03,564
[STAMMERS]
Um...
138
00:06:03,696 --> 00:06:05,533
Wait. You're talking about me?
139
00:06:05,665 --> 00:06:06,699
Oh, yes.
140
00:06:06,834 --> 00:06:08,068
Oh, fuck off.
141
00:06:08,202 --> 00:06:10,137
Fuck off? Fuck you! Fuck off!
142
00:06:10,271 --> 00:06:12,306
Oh, I didn't say it like,
"Fuck off!" I said, "Fuck off."
143
00:06:12,439 --> 00:06:14,341
You do not tell me
"fuck off."
144
00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:15,976
It's my therapy. I can say
whatever I want, right?
145
00:06:16,110 --> 00:06:17,978
Actually, you can't.
No, like, you signed an oath!
146
00:06:18,112 --> 00:06:19,980
Hey! I am going to allow
the two of you
147
00:06:20,114 --> 00:06:23,184
to talk about his issues
with his father.
148
00:06:23,317 --> 00:06:24,652
Deuces, Bert.
149
00:06:24,818 --> 00:06:26,887
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
150
00:06:30,457 --> 00:06:32,159
You know the C-word's
"cunt," right?
151
00:06:32,293 --> 00:06:33,427
BERT [PANTING]:
Okay. Here we go.
152
00:06:33,561 --> 00:06:34,662
Okay. One last push.
[LEEANN SIGHS]
153
00:06:34,794 --> 00:06:35,896
You can get it all in.
[LEEANN GROANS]
154
00:06:36,030 --> 00:06:37,565
Get it all in. We got it.
155
00:06:37,697 --> 00:06:38,765
[GROANS]
It's gonna-- getting it in!
156
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,234
15 minutes! 15...
157
00:06:40,367 --> 00:06:42,803
Hey, babe! Look who's up!
158
00:06:42,937 --> 00:06:44,038
[SIGHS]
159
00:06:44,171 --> 00:06:45,705
Babe, 96 workouts in a row,
160
00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:47,875
and I still feel like
I'm sweating out toxins.
161
00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:49,310
It still smells
162
00:06:49,443 --> 00:06:50,644
like your skin is pissing.
[SIGHS] Two more.
163
00:06:50,777 --> 00:06:52,513
One more. Nice.
164
00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:54,348
[LAUGHS]:
Oh.
165
00:06:54,481 --> 00:06:56,517
Hey.
[LOUD CLATTERING]
166
00:06:56,650 --> 00:06:58,352
Do you think people are
gonna think I'm on HGH?
167
00:06:58,485 --> 00:06:59,353
Feel that.
168
00:06:59,486 --> 00:07:00,787
Uh...
Feel my tit.
169
00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:03,057
No, like full-handed.
Full-handed. Grab it.
170
00:07:03,190 --> 00:07:04,724
There you go. Nice.
171
00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:06,694
[CHUCKLES]
I'm making smoothies.
172
00:07:06,827 --> 00:07:08,862
Who wants smoothies?!
173
00:07:08,996 --> 00:07:10,130
[WHIRRING]
174
00:07:10,264 --> 00:07:11,932
SASHA:
Mom, can you please tell him
175
00:07:12,066 --> 00:07:14,602
not to do anything embarrassing
at my party today?
176
00:07:14,734 --> 00:07:16,237
Whoa.
177
00:07:16,370 --> 00:07:18,272
So that's how we're gonna
start our morning?
178
00:07:18,405 --> 00:07:20,574
I haven't done anything
publicly embarrassing
179
00:07:20,708 --> 00:07:22,343
in almost three months.
180
00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:25,379
Okay.
181
00:07:25,512 --> 00:07:27,448
But don't go overboard
this time.
182
00:07:27,581 --> 00:07:29,116
I just want it to be
with my friends.
183
00:07:29,250 --> 00:07:30,384
[SCOFFS]
What friends?
184
00:07:30,517 --> 00:07:31,952
[STAMMERS]
185
00:07:32,086 --> 00:07:33,554
So not cool.
Don't.
186
00:07:33,687 --> 00:07:36,223
Are those n-nut sacks?
187
00:07:36,357 --> 00:07:37,658
No.
188
00:07:37,790 --> 00:07:39,727
It's a pimple
for Dr. Pimple Popper.
189
00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:42,096
Oh, you don't think
that's a little gross?
190
00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:43,998
Uh, it's totally gross.
191
00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:45,765
That's why Sasha and I love it.
192
00:07:45,899 --> 00:07:47,635
If you think about it,
it's kind of like
193
00:07:47,767 --> 00:07:50,404
a metaphor for her
exploding into womanhood.
194
00:07:52,406 --> 00:07:53,807
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
195
00:07:53,941 --> 00:07:55,876
What is wrong with this shirt?
196
00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:00,414
Supposed to be like this?
197
00:08:04,585 --> 00:08:06,253
Hey, babe.
198
00:08:06,387 --> 00:08:09,023
If I stand like this,
does it look tucked in?
199
00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:12,493
Don't wear that shirt.
200
00:08:12,626 --> 00:08:13,594
All right.
201
00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:16,263
What are these,
my dad's shirts?
202
00:08:16,397 --> 00:08:18,499
[SIGHS]
203
00:08:18,632 --> 00:08:20,601
Can you please help me
pick out a shirt?
204
00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:23,404
Okay.
205
00:08:23,537 --> 00:08:26,774
I think that this therapy
is making everything worse.
206
00:08:26,907 --> 00:08:28,676
I think you need
to get back onstage.
207
00:08:28,809 --> 00:08:30,978
[CHUCKLES]
That's definitely
not happening.
208
00:08:31,111 --> 00:08:33,881
Why?
Sit down.
209
00:08:35,249 --> 00:08:37,318
Have you ever seen
"The Nutty Professor"?
210
00:08:37,451 --> 00:08:39,353
Uh, no, I have not.
Okay.
211
00:08:39,486 --> 00:08:40,988
Eddie Murphy turns into
this one guy,
212
00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:42,389
which is great at first.
213
00:08:42,523 --> 00:08:44,658
But then his family
starts hating him
214
00:08:44,792 --> 00:08:46,860
and he starts hating himself.
215
00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:48,128
Uh...
216
00:08:49,263 --> 00:08:51,198
[SIGHS]
Look.
217
00:08:54,601 --> 00:08:56,670
I'm the Machine onstage.
218
00:08:56,805 --> 00:09:00,040
I'm also the Machine offstage.
219
00:09:00,174 --> 00:09:01,575
I got high and I got drunk,
220
00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:03,310
and I almost got
our daughter arrested.
221
00:09:03,444 --> 00:09:05,779
I saw the look in her face.
222
00:09:05,913 --> 00:09:07,614
I was helpless
and I couldn't do anything,
223
00:09:07,748 --> 00:09:09,683
and I wanted to kill myself.
224
00:09:11,185 --> 00:09:13,520
I will never let that happen
to our family again.
225
00:09:17,291 --> 00:09:20,194
Well, fuck, now I want to watch
"The Nutty Professor."
226
00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:22,129
It's a pretty good movie.
I wish you had watched it.
227
00:09:22,262 --> 00:09:24,031
It's exactly what
I'm going through right now.
228
00:09:24,164 --> 00:09:28,502
Maybe for now, for today,
we keep it simple.
229
00:09:30,839 --> 00:09:33,207
I can do simple.
Yeah?
230
00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:35,409
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
[LIVELY CHATTER]
231
00:09:40,414 --> 00:09:41,782
BERT:
There she is.
232
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:43,250
There's my birthday girl.
233
00:09:43,384 --> 00:09:45,786
Hey, Sash, what do you think
of the party?
234
00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:47,020
It's kind of big.
235
00:09:47,154 --> 00:09:48,756
Kind of big and awesome, right?
236
00:09:48,889 --> 00:09:51,258
Hey, Bert, does the DJ
have any glitchcore?
237
00:09:51,392 --> 00:09:52,393
Hey, Madison...
238
00:09:55,329 --> 00:09:56,363
I'll go check.
239
00:09:56,497 --> 00:09:58,298
Hey. Hey.
What's up?
240
00:09:58,432 --> 00:10:00,601
I thought you said
you invited like ten people.
241
00:10:00,734 --> 00:10:02,436
Oh, no. I invited a ton.
[GROANS]
242
00:10:02,569 --> 00:10:04,037
Well, you can't risk
no-shows, babe.
243
00:10:04,171 --> 00:10:06,039
And partying with six people
is fucking depressing.
244
00:10:06,173 --> 00:10:08,008
I even invited parents
that hate me.
245
00:10:08,142 --> 00:10:09,910
What's up, Madison's mom?
Oh.
246
00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:11,178
[CHUCKLES]
247
00:10:11,311 --> 00:10:12,881
That guy is a bitch.
He is such a...
248
00:10:13,013 --> 00:10:14,214
She's going through a divorce.
Be nice.
249
00:10:14,348 --> 00:10:15,382
Seriously?
Mm-hmm.
250
00:10:15,516 --> 00:10:17,351
Hey, hey. This is a sweet 16.
251
00:10:17,484 --> 00:10:19,620
It's a big deal.
Yeah, for Sash.
252
00:10:19,753 --> 00:10:21,755
I think Skeletor over there
must be the DJ.
253
00:10:21,890 --> 00:10:23,023
Can you tell him
where to set up?
254
00:10:23,157 --> 00:10:24,725
Yeah. Hey, Trainspotting.
255
00:10:24,859 --> 00:10:26,093
You have any glitchcore?
256
00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:27,961
Wait, is that my boom box?
257
00:10:28,095 --> 00:10:29,396
Yeah.
258
00:10:29,530 --> 00:10:32,199
Is that my auxiliary cord?
Yeah.
259
00:10:32,332 --> 00:10:33,967
Oh, do you want my phone?
260
00:10:35,035 --> 00:10:35,904
Nah.
261
00:10:36,036 --> 00:10:36,937
[INHALES]
262
00:10:39,908 --> 00:10:41,141
Fucking disgusting.
263
00:10:41,275 --> 00:10:42,576
Hey, don't do that
around the kids.
264
00:10:42,709 --> 00:10:44,011
Actually, you know what?
Stay away from the kids.
265
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:46,079
We got music! I think.
266
00:10:46,213 --> 00:10:47,648
Gentlemen, what are
you doing up here?
267
00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:49,316
Girls are in the pool.
They're talking about you.
268
00:10:49,450 --> 00:10:50,919
Jump in. Take your shirts off.
Don't piss in my pool.
269
00:10:51,051 --> 00:10:52,152
Yo, Machine.
270
00:10:52,286 --> 00:10:53,922
Uh, not today, brother.
Not today.
271
00:10:54,054 --> 00:10:56,657
Ladies. Steer clear of the DJ.
Food's to the right, all right?
272
00:10:56,790 --> 00:10:58,125
Hey, Kreischer,
no booze?
273
00:10:58,258 --> 00:10:59,793
Hey, Madison's mom, no husband?
274
00:10:59,928 --> 00:11:00,961
[LAUGHS]
275
00:11:01,094 --> 00:11:02,129
Fucking bitch.
276
00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:04,765
[CHUCKLING]
277
00:11:04,899 --> 00:11:07,367
Killing it, B-Man. Killing it.
278
00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:11,104
[ALBERT CLICKING TONGUE,
POPPING LIPS]
279
00:11:11,238 --> 00:11:12,606
ALBERT:
Hey, there.
280
00:11:16,643 --> 00:11:18,512
Dad?
281
00:11:18,645 --> 00:11:19,613
In the flesh.
282
00:11:23,150 --> 00:11:24,751
[CHUCKLES]
283
00:11:24,886 --> 00:11:26,119
I see you haven't given up
284
00:11:26,253 --> 00:11:28,021
trying to learn
how to barbecue.
285
00:11:28,155 --> 00:11:29,623
Good for you, son.
286
00:11:29,756 --> 00:11:32,426
[STAMMERS]
Wait, wh-what
are you doing here?
287
00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:35,762
Well, I'm not gonna miss
my grandkid's sweet 16.
288
00:11:35,897 --> 00:11:37,364
It's a big day.
289
00:11:38,900 --> 00:11:41,502
Right. Right.
290
00:11:42,636 --> 00:11:43,872
Well...
291
00:11:47,641 --> 00:11:49,844
[CLICKING TONGUE]
292
00:11:49,978 --> 00:11:51,645
[POPPING LIPS]
293
00:11:56,316 --> 00:11:58,218
Not gonna flip 'em yet, huh?
294
00:12:01,021 --> 00:12:03,390
Might be...
Hmm, it's okay, it's okay.
295
00:12:03,524 --> 00:12:04,758
Really?
296
00:12:04,893 --> 00:12:07,394
Well, I just don't want you
to mess 'em up.
297
00:12:07,528 --> 00:12:09,898
You know, then people
will be disappointed.
298
00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:11,398
You'll feel bad.
299
00:12:11,532 --> 00:12:13,667
It'll be all that,
"Huh, remember Bert's barbecue?
300
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:16,169
Those burgers, yikes."
Goddamn it.
301
00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:17,538
Oh, see?
302
00:12:17,671 --> 00:12:19,039
Did you add egg to the mix?
303
00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:22,042
Okay, Dad.
It binds. It moisturizes.
304
00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:23,577
Makes a much better burger.
305
00:12:23,710 --> 00:12:24,645
[SLAMS PLATE]
Oh.
306
00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:25,980
My dad showed up.
307
00:12:26,113 --> 00:12:27,180
From Florida?
Yeah.
308
00:12:27,314 --> 00:12:28,649
And it took
about two seconds
309
00:12:28,782 --> 00:12:30,018
before he started
making me mental with the...
310
00:12:30,150 --> 00:12:31,051
[CLICKING TONGUE]
311
00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:33,487
Look at him!
Hey, Boo Bear! Hi!
312
00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,255
[BERT SCOFFS]
He's a monster.
313
00:12:35,389 --> 00:12:36,690
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
314
00:12:36,824 --> 00:12:39,393
Oh. Okay, yeah.
Breathe it out there, champ.
315
00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:41,094
TATIANA: Hey, hey, Dad?
Yes!
316
00:12:41,228 --> 00:12:42,729
Yeah, no.
The dog's pooping in the pool.
317
00:12:42,864 --> 00:12:44,231
What?
[CLAMORING OUTSIDE]
318
00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:45,799
Wait, how?
319
00:12:45,934 --> 00:12:48,970
You paid money to see
my son take off his shirt
320
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:50,237
and tell his made-up story
321
00:12:50,370 --> 00:12:51,906
about robbing a train
in Russia?
322
00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:53,640
Dad, for the millionth time,
it's a true story.
Yeah.
323
00:12:53,774 --> 00:12:55,242
It's my job, okay?
324
00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:56,543
MAN:
And you should
get back onstage.
325
00:12:56,677 --> 00:12:58,880
'Cause I've seen you
only like five times.
326
00:12:59,013 --> 00:13:01,415
[CHUCKLES]:
You paid to see him five times?
327
00:13:01,548 --> 00:13:04,718
I'm just shocked that
people would actually do that.
328
00:13:04,852 --> 00:13:05,954
BERT:
Dad.
329
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:07,654
ALBERT:
You don't buy carpet five times.
330
00:13:07,788 --> 00:13:10,724
Bye, Papa.
[LAUGHS]: Oh, sweetheart.
331
00:13:10,858 --> 00:13:12,626
SASHA:
I'm sorry, I'm gonna go.
332
00:13:12,759 --> 00:13:14,127
ALBERT:
Oh, don't worry about that.
333
00:13:14,261 --> 00:13:16,965
And you remember,
you can call me anytime
334
00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:19,132
whenever you want
to talk about...
335
00:13:19,266 --> 00:13:21,134
well, you know.
336
00:13:21,268 --> 00:13:22,736
All right. Bye.
BERT: Whoa,
337
00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:24,104
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
338
00:13:24,237 --> 00:13:25,539
Wait, wh-where are you going?
Hold on.
339
00:13:25,672 --> 00:13:27,075
Bye, Bert.
Uh, Mr. Kreischer. Hey, stop!
340
00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:28,642
What?
Where are you going?
341
00:13:28,775 --> 00:13:31,211
Mads asked me to go to Big Bear
for like three days.
342
00:13:31,345 --> 00:13:33,480
Oh. You are not going anywhere.
Hey, you're 16 years old.
343
00:13:33,614 --> 00:13:35,248
And you're not going
to Big Bear 'cause I know
344
00:13:35,382 --> 00:13:37,085
you're gonna drink beer
and smoke pot.
345
00:13:37,217 --> 00:13:38,953
I'll be fine,
because I'm not you. Okay?
346
00:13:39,087 --> 00:13:41,089
Okay, stop.
That-That's fair. That's fair.
347
00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:43,490
I deserve that.
I deserve that. Okay?
348
00:13:43,624 --> 00:13:46,460
Hey. Look at me.
Look at me. Don't go.
349
00:13:46,593 --> 00:13:48,195
We wrap up this party,
me and you,
350
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:50,764
hang out tonight, we'll watch
"Dr. Pimple Popper."
351
00:13:50,898 --> 00:13:53,500
I don't even watch
that show anymore, Dad.
352
00:13:53,634 --> 00:13:55,369
And I don't even know
half of these people here.
353
00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:57,137
What, are you kidding me?
354
00:13:57,270 --> 00:13:59,373
You know-- What about this guy?
You know this guy.
355
00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:01,042
Ray Ray.
You know Ray Ray.
356
00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:02,676
Dad, I said
I wanted a small party,
357
00:14:02,810 --> 00:14:05,479
and you promised
that you wouldn't embarrass me.
358
00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:06,814
I'm just trying
to be a good dad.
359
00:14:06,948 --> 00:14:08,782
See?
360
00:14:08,916 --> 00:14:10,350
It's about you.
361
00:14:10,484 --> 00:14:13,220
It's always about you!
Wh-What are you talking about?
362
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:15,990
How did I make it about...
How did you flip that?
363
00:14:16,124 --> 00:14:17,357
Don't do that! Don't leave!
364
00:14:17,491 --> 00:14:19,259
Don't you flip me off!
365
00:14:19,393 --> 00:14:20,594
Don't-don't you get
in that car!
366
00:14:20,727 --> 00:14:22,329
Don't get-- S-See?
367
00:14:22,462 --> 00:14:25,033
This is the C-word behavior
I was talking about in therapy!
368
00:14:25,165 --> 00:14:27,200
I'm not saying it!
I'm just pointing it out!
369
00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:28,535
GIRL:
It's okay.
370
00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:32,539
[SNIFFLING]
371
00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:36,777
It's your fat fucking fault!
Asshole!
372
00:14:36,911 --> 00:14:39,179
Goddamn it.
373
00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:41,214
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
374
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:48,890
Son?
375
00:14:49,023 --> 00:14:50,825
Not now, Dad.
376
00:14:50,958 --> 00:14:53,094
Uh, we should, uh...
377
00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:55,228
You know...
378
00:14:55,362 --> 00:14:56,563
[SIGHS]
379
00:14:56,697 --> 00:14:59,867
if you're searching
for a new path,
380
00:15:00,001 --> 00:15:02,769
there's always room for you
at Kreischer Karpets.
381
00:15:04,304 --> 00:15:06,874
I'm good, Dad, okay?
I'm good. I promise.
382
00:15:07,008 --> 00:15:08,943
Just give me a minute.
383
00:15:09,077 --> 00:15:10,677
Well...
384
00:15:10,812 --> 00:15:14,281
I just wasn't sure, you know,
how you're making money
385
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:19,252
if you're not doing
the whole comedy thing anymore.
386
00:15:19,386 --> 00:15:21,354
Hey, I'm a grown man.
387
00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:22,723
I'll figure it out, okay?
388
00:15:22,857 --> 00:15:25,026
Yeah, all right,
all right, you know.
389
00:15:25,159 --> 00:15:26,560
Just trying to help.
390
00:15:26,693 --> 00:15:28,029
[CHUCKLES]:
Ho-Hold on right there.
391
00:15:28,162 --> 00:15:29,329
No, you're not.
392
00:15:29,463 --> 00:15:30,932
You're never
trying to help, Dad.
393
00:15:31,065 --> 00:15:32,499
That's the point.
394
00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:34,068
When I got in trouble,
what did you say to me?
395
00:15:34,202 --> 00:15:35,602
"Oh, don't be an idiot."
396
00:15:35,736 --> 00:15:38,505
My advice to you was don't do
stupid things in public,
397
00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:40,507
especially with the children.
Oh, same thing!
398
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:41,943
Which is good advice.
399
00:15:42,076 --> 00:15:44,045
And you and Sasha
wouldn't be where you were
400
00:15:44,178 --> 00:15:45,712
if you'd only listened to me.
401
00:15:45,847 --> 00:15:47,181
Oh, my God.
402
00:15:47,314 --> 00:15:50,383
Ma'am, the party's outside.
Okay?
403
00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:52,220
IRINA [RUSSIAN ACCENT]:
Are you the Machine?
404
00:15:52,385 --> 00:15:53,620
Oh, shit.
405
00:15:55,522 --> 00:15:58,059
Yeah, I am. And I can do
a picture in a second.
406
00:15:58,192 --> 00:15:59,894
I'm kind of having a private
moment with my father, okay?
407
00:16:00,027 --> 00:16:02,063
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
408
00:16:02,196 --> 00:16:04,932
I'm here for the pocket watch
409
00:16:05,066 --> 00:16:08,435
stolen on a train in Russia
23 years ago
410
00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:10,138
by you.
411
00:16:11,571 --> 00:16:12,773
Okay.
412
00:16:12,907 --> 00:16:14,775
I'm having a shit-show day.
413
00:16:14,909 --> 00:16:16,610
So, if this is
some sort of TikTok prank,
414
00:16:16,743 --> 00:16:18,179
I'm about to lose
my fucking shit.
415
00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:20,313
[CHUCKLES]
It's definitely a prank.
416
00:16:20,447 --> 00:16:21,916
Clearly, that's a fake gun.
417
00:16:22,950 --> 00:16:24,886
[BERT SCREAMS]
Or not!
418
00:16:25,019 --> 00:16:26,954
She's got a fucking gun, Dad!
Yeah, I'm clear on that now.
419
00:16:27,088 --> 00:16:28,455
Sit down!
Yes, ma'am.
420
00:16:28,588 --> 00:16:32,626
My name is
Irina Ivanona Volgina.
421
00:16:32,759 --> 00:16:35,830
And I suggest
you start remembering.
422
00:16:35,963 --> 00:16:38,565
It was 20 years ago.
I barely remember that trip.
423
00:16:38,698 --> 00:16:40,968
I don't have a watch,
and it's definitely not here.
424
00:16:41,102 --> 00:16:43,303
Then you're coming with me
back to Russia to find it.
425
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:44,304
Russia?
426
00:16:44,437 --> 00:16:46,107
[SCREAMS, GRUNTS]
427
00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:47,275
Look at your daughter.
428
00:16:49,277 --> 00:16:51,145
So innocent.
429
00:16:51,279 --> 00:16:52,479
So pure.
430
00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:54,548
So vulnerable.
431
00:16:56,449 --> 00:16:58,286
Do you see that man?
432
00:16:58,418 --> 00:16:59,987
BERT:
DJ Chemo?
433
00:17:00,121 --> 00:17:02,489
He will follow her on her trip.
[BREATH SHUDDERS]
434
00:17:02,622 --> 00:17:04,324
If you do not
find my watch,
435
00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:05,792
he kills her.
436
00:17:08,996 --> 00:17:11,665
If you try to run,
he kills her.
437
00:17:13,767 --> 00:17:16,503
You say a word about this
to anyone...
438
00:17:18,605 --> 00:17:19,539
...he kills her.
439
00:17:19,673 --> 00:17:21,309
Okay. Okay.
440
00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:23,510
I'll do whatever you want.
Just-just let my daughter go.
441
00:17:25,612 --> 00:17:28,448
Yeah, listen,
I'll do whatever you want.
442
00:17:28,582 --> 00:17:29,851
Just don't hurt my daughter.
443
00:17:29,984 --> 00:17:31,484
And-and let my father go,
all right?
444
00:17:31,618 --> 00:17:33,420
He wasn't supposed to be here.
He wasn't even invited.
445
00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:34,989
[INHALES DEEPLY]
446
00:17:35,122 --> 00:17:36,190
I'm going with you.
447
00:17:36,324 --> 00:17:38,226
Dad, you're not going with me.
448
00:17:38,358 --> 00:17:40,194
I wouldn't be able
to live with myself
449
00:17:40,328 --> 00:17:41,863
if you failed to protect Sasha.
450
00:17:41,996 --> 00:17:44,165
Dad, stop! You're not going!
He goes!
451
00:17:44,298 --> 00:17:46,834
If you need persuading
in Russia,
452
00:17:46,968 --> 00:17:49,569
he might be useful.
453
00:17:51,038 --> 00:17:52,173
For torture.
454
00:17:52,306 --> 00:17:54,008
The car is waiting.
455
00:17:54,141 --> 00:17:55,542
We leave now.
456
00:17:58,846 --> 00:18:00,614
Dad, put your fucking
hands down.
457
00:18:01,715 --> 00:18:03,450
Excuse me.
Hey, Albert?
458
00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:06,220
Hold, hold, hold, wait up.
459
00:18:06,354 --> 00:18:07,721
Oh, my God.
I haven't even seen you yet.
460
00:18:07,855 --> 00:18:08,923
I'm so sorry I haven't said hi.
461
00:18:09,056 --> 00:18:11,424
Hello.
Hello, dear.
462
00:18:11,558 --> 00:18:12,960
There are so many people here.
Hmm.
463
00:18:13,094 --> 00:18:14,896
Hi. Oh. Who is this?
464
00:18:15,029 --> 00:18:17,899
Uh, this is our, uh,
our Uber driver, uh, Sylvia.
465
00:18:18,032 --> 00:18:18,900
Sylvia.
466
00:18:19,033 --> 00:18:20,700
Hi.
467
00:18:20,835 --> 00:18:22,970
Hi. Your Uber driver?
468
00:18:23,104 --> 00:18:24,038
Where are you going?
469
00:18:24,171 --> 00:18:25,273
Uh...
Um...
470
00:18:27,074 --> 00:18:28,675
LEEANN:
Oh, my God.
471
00:18:28,809 --> 00:18:30,177
Yeah. I see what's going on.
472
00:18:30,311 --> 00:18:31,946
You two are gonna follow
Sasha to Big Bear.
473
00:18:32,079 --> 00:18:34,048
Yes, we are.
Exactly. Big Bear, yes.
474
00:18:34,181 --> 00:18:35,715
LEEANN:
Cool. Great.
Well, you know what?
475
00:18:35,850 --> 00:18:37,684
I'll just stay home,
take care of everything,
476
00:18:37,818 --> 00:18:39,486
and the two of you
can just fuck off
477
00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:42,223
on your creepy little
puritanical...
478
00:18:47,862 --> 00:18:50,730
I love you. I'm sorry.
Kiss Tats for me.
479
00:18:50,865 --> 00:18:52,632
Dad, let's go.
480
00:18:52,766 --> 00:18:53,700
Where...
481
00:18:53,834 --> 00:18:56,003
Good work, Kreischers.
482
00:18:57,437 --> 00:19:00,674
IRINA:
This is my bodyguard, Sponge.
483
00:19:00,808 --> 00:19:02,843
Sponge,
like you absorb liquids?
484
00:19:02,977 --> 00:19:04,511
Absorb bullets.
485
00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:05,745
[CHUCKLES]
486
00:19:08,548 --> 00:19:10,450
[♪♪♪]
487
00:19:12,820 --> 00:19:14,754
[BELL RINGING]
488
00:19:26,599 --> 00:19:29,003
[IN RUSSIAN]
489
00:19:29,136 --> 00:19:31,671
Still think
I made this story up?
490
00:19:31,806 --> 00:19:34,607
[IN RUSSIAN]
491
00:19:34,741 --> 00:19:36,010
[IN RUSSIAN]
492
00:19:36,143 --> 00:19:39,080
[IN RUSSIAN]
493
00:19:45,719 --> 00:19:46,954
Move it.
494
00:19:48,456 --> 00:19:50,358
[♪♪♪]
495
00:19:56,931 --> 00:20:00,800
They said Machine
had ice in veins.
496
00:20:00,935 --> 00:20:03,371
Could walk through the walls.
497
00:20:03,503 --> 00:20:05,906
Drink more than any man.
498
00:20:07,507 --> 00:20:10,177
I grew up hearing this myth.
499
00:20:10,311 --> 00:20:11,212
You.
500
00:20:16,516 --> 00:20:17,852
You're fat.
501
00:20:19,020 --> 00:20:20,821
And you have tits.
502
00:20:20,955 --> 00:20:22,156
Very disturbing.
503
00:20:22,289 --> 00:20:23,858
BERT:
That's body-shaming.
504
00:20:23,991 --> 00:20:25,725
And honestly, I expect
more empathy out of a woman.
505
00:20:25,860 --> 00:20:27,228
Such a disappointment.
506
00:20:27,361 --> 00:20:30,965
Like opening peanuts
and joke snake pop out.
507
00:20:31,098 --> 00:20:32,565
Enjoy your flight, Machine.
508
00:20:32,699 --> 00:20:34,567
It will probably be your last.
509
00:20:34,701 --> 00:20:36,569
[JET ENGINE WHIRRING]
510
00:20:36,703 --> 00:20:40,007
["WELCOME TO RUSSIA"
BY DLB PLAYING]
511
00:20:40,141 --> 00:20:42,043
[SONG CONTINUES
WITH LYRICS IN RUSSIAN]
512
00:20:46,847 --> 00:20:49,716
[SNORTING]
513
00:20:49,850 --> 00:20:51,852
[LAUGHTER, LIVELY CHATTER]
514
00:20:51,986 --> 00:20:54,221
[YELLS]
515
00:20:54,355 --> 00:20:55,423
[GRUNTS]
516
00:20:57,458 --> 00:20:58,591
[GROWLS]
517
00:21:02,329 --> 00:21:03,696
[NECK CRACKS]
518
00:21:03,831 --> 00:21:05,066
[YELLING]
519
00:21:08,169 --> 00:21:10,071
[LAUGHING]
[EXCITED CHATTER]
520
00:21:12,339 --> 00:21:15,376
All right. When we land,
I'm gonna create a diversion.
521
00:21:15,509 --> 00:21:17,610
What I want you to do
is go to the embassy.
522
00:21:17,744 --> 00:21:19,947
Dad.
Now, these people really know
523
00:21:20,081 --> 00:21:21,549
what they're doing
around the grill.
524
00:21:21,681 --> 00:21:23,551
How can you eat
at a time like this?
525
00:21:23,683 --> 00:21:25,718
Son, I'm a small business owner
526
00:21:25,853 --> 00:21:27,288
from a "stand your ground"
state.
527
00:21:27,421 --> 00:21:28,956
This is like a Tuesday for me.
528
00:21:29,090 --> 00:21:31,724
SPONGE:
Machina, the myth.
529
00:21:31,859 --> 00:21:33,227
Your turn, huh?
530
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:34,462
[LAUGHS]
531
00:21:34,594 --> 00:21:35,930
No, no. I-I wish I could.
532
00:21:36,063 --> 00:21:37,198
I just got a crown replaced.
533
00:21:37,331 --> 00:21:39,233
Oh, Machina.
[GROUP GRUMBLING]
534
00:21:39,366 --> 00:21:41,035
But I have an uneven jaw,
and it took them forever to...
535
00:21:41,168 --> 00:21:42,635
ALBERT: Hey, Bert.
What?
536
00:21:42,769 --> 00:21:46,240
You want to know why people
respect Kreischer Karpets?
537
00:21:46,373 --> 00:21:47,441
Well, it's definitely
not 'cause
538
00:21:47,575 --> 00:21:48,442
you spelled "carpets"
with a "K."
539
00:21:48,576 --> 00:21:49,944
No, that's just good marketing.
540
00:21:50,077 --> 00:21:54,081
It's because
we install anywhere.
541
00:21:54,215 --> 00:21:56,783
We never show fear.
542
00:21:56,917 --> 00:21:58,319
We face it.
543
00:21:58,452 --> 00:22:02,957
So, Bert, don't show fear.
544
00:22:04,091 --> 00:22:05,126
Wow.
545
00:22:07,261 --> 00:22:09,796
You really shoehorned
that message in.
546
00:22:09,930 --> 00:22:12,333
All right, Sponge,
I guess I got next.
547
00:22:12,466 --> 00:22:14,634
[LAUGHING]
GROUP: Oh.
548
00:22:14,767 --> 00:22:16,636
Machina,
549
00:22:16,769 --> 00:22:20,441
all I have heard about you,
and you have titty, huh?
550
00:22:20,574 --> 00:22:23,010
You're such a large man.
551
00:22:23,144 --> 00:22:24,378
[LAUGHING]
552
00:22:24,512 --> 00:22:25,980
You're so fucking big.
553
00:22:27,114 --> 00:22:28,449
Let's hope this works.
554
00:22:28,582 --> 00:22:29,782
[SIGHS]
555
00:22:29,917 --> 00:22:33,821
I'm gonna show you
what we in the States call
556
00:22:33,954 --> 00:22:35,589
"dad strength."
557
00:22:35,722 --> 00:22:37,690
[YELLS]
[GROUP GASPS]
558
00:22:37,825 --> 00:22:39,593
[CHUCKLING]
559
00:22:40,828 --> 00:22:43,164
[LAUGHING LOUDLY]
[LAUGHTER]
560
00:22:43,297 --> 00:22:44,298
SPONGE:
Funny!
561
00:22:44,431 --> 00:22:46,367
Now...
562
00:22:46,500 --> 00:22:48,102
my turn, huh?
563
00:22:51,906 --> 00:22:53,107
[SHOUTS]
564
00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:55,142
[DISTORTED GROANING]
565
00:22:59,746 --> 00:23:01,649
[DISTORTED GROWLING]
566
00:23:05,785 --> 00:23:08,856
ALBERT:
Well, you showed fear.
567
00:23:12,893 --> 00:23:14,495
Son, I think
this trip to Russia
568
00:23:14,628 --> 00:23:17,364
could give you some...
direction.
569
00:23:17,498 --> 00:23:20,167
Look, I had this
with me in Rome.
570
00:23:20,301 --> 00:23:21,869
Saved me
more than a few times.
571
00:23:22,002 --> 00:23:23,871
You take care of it.
572
00:23:25,005 --> 00:23:27,007
It will take care of you.
573
00:23:28,676 --> 00:23:31,178
Your pocketknife?
Mm-hmm.
574
00:23:31,312 --> 00:23:32,446
Ah, thanks, Dad.
575
00:23:33,581 --> 00:23:35,115
We hope our sons grow up to be
576
00:23:35,249 --> 00:23:37,885
the men
we wish we could be, Bert.
577
00:23:38,018 --> 00:23:40,321
Maybe this trip can
start you on that path.
578
00:23:40,454 --> 00:23:42,323
And also,
579
00:23:42,456 --> 00:23:46,327
if you lose that knife
in Russia,
580
00:23:46,460 --> 00:23:48,862
I will disown you.
581
00:23:48,996 --> 00:23:51,098
Ah, funny story.
582
00:23:53,067 --> 00:23:56,337
I did lose your knife
in Russia.
583
00:23:56,470 --> 00:23:58,738
Dad, I-I'm sorry.
584
00:23:58,872 --> 00:24:00,407
I knew you'd let me down.
585
00:24:01,542 --> 00:24:02,876
You did?
586
00:24:03,010 --> 00:24:05,045
[LAUGHING]
[KNIFE SLICES]
587
00:24:06,513 --> 00:24:08,048
Got your manhood!
588
00:24:08,182 --> 00:24:09,617
Oh, you took my testicles!
589
00:24:09,749 --> 00:24:10,783
[GASPS]
590
00:24:10,918 --> 00:24:12,586
[GROANS]
591
00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:14,255
[WOMAN MAKING ANNOUNCEMENT
IN RUSSIAN OVER SPEAKERS]
592
00:24:14,388 --> 00:24:15,889
[ELECTRONIC BELL DINGS]
Hey, there.
593
00:24:16,023 --> 00:24:17,825
IRINA:
While you were out,
your father and I
594
00:24:17,958 --> 00:24:19,393
got to know each other.
Wait.
595
00:24:19,526 --> 00:24:22,129
Also, we watched "Butch Cassidy
and Sundance Kid."
596
00:24:22,263 --> 00:24:23,998
The ending? Wow.
597
00:24:24,131 --> 00:24:25,599
Dad, that's our movie.
598
00:24:25,733 --> 00:24:27,601
ALBERT:
Bert, we have to find
this watch.
599
00:24:27,735 --> 00:24:29,803
You stole it.
What'd you do with it?
600
00:24:29,937 --> 00:24:31,438
Jesus Christ.
601
00:24:31,572 --> 00:24:33,107
It's the top five drunkest
I've ever been in my life.
602
00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:34,441
I'm-I'm usually drunk
when I tell the story.
603
00:24:34,575 --> 00:24:36,343
[GASPS]
Okay.
604
00:24:36,477 --> 00:24:38,045
[VOICE-OVER]:
Okay. Hold on, hold on.
605
00:24:38,178 --> 00:24:40,581
Give me a sec. Let me think.
Let me think. God.
606
00:24:40,714 --> 00:24:41,749
I'm not good with guns
at my head.
607
00:24:41,882 --> 00:24:42,782
[GASPS]
608
00:24:44,218 --> 00:24:45,319
Fedor.
609
00:24:45,452 --> 00:24:46,820
[VOICE-OVER]:
What about Fedor?
610
00:24:46,954 --> 00:24:48,055
He was the gangster
on the train.
611
00:24:48,188 --> 00:24:50,291
Everything we stole
we gave to him.
612
00:24:50,424 --> 00:24:52,092
Yeah, I talked to Fedor.
613
00:24:52,226 --> 00:24:53,827
He doesn't remember
the watch.
614
00:24:53,961 --> 00:24:55,829
So I killed him.
615
00:24:55,963 --> 00:24:58,432
Jesus Christ.
616
00:24:58,565 --> 00:24:59,933
Igor.
617
00:25:01,368 --> 00:25:02,636
[GASPS]
618
00:25:02,770 --> 00:25:03,804
Which Igor?
619
00:25:03,937 --> 00:25:05,406
I know like 50 Igors.
620
00:25:05,539 --> 00:25:09,009
Uh, I-Igor was the mobster
that took care of our class.
621
00:25:09,143 --> 00:25:10,778
He lived with us in the dorms.
622
00:25:10,911 --> 00:25:12,479
[VOICE-OVER]:
Maybe he still
lives in the dorms.
623
00:25:12,613 --> 00:25:14,982
Fuck school.
Let's party.
624
00:25:16,116 --> 00:25:17,217
Hmm.
625
00:25:18,652 --> 00:25:20,554
Then this
is where we go.
626
00:25:24,958 --> 00:25:26,060
Can't believe you watched
627
00:25:26,193 --> 00:25:28,128
"Butch Cassidy
and the Sundance Kid."
628
00:25:28,262 --> 00:25:29,196
Fuck.
629
00:25:45,346 --> 00:25:47,514
Follow my lead.
If we get a chance, we run.
630
00:25:47,648 --> 00:25:48,882
[IN RUSSIAN]
631
00:25:49,016 --> 00:25:50,951
[IN RUSSIAN]
632
00:25:53,954 --> 00:25:55,824
[IN RUSSIAN]
633
00:25:58,592 --> 00:26:01,161
[CHOKING]
Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad.
634
00:26:01,295 --> 00:26:02,796
Oh, my God. Oh!
635
00:26:02,930 --> 00:26:03,997
[GASPING]
636
00:26:04,131 --> 00:26:05,666
He's going down.
He's going down.
637
00:26:05,799 --> 00:26:07,701
[IN RUSSIAN]
638
00:26:07,836 --> 00:26:08,969
ALBERT:
Geez Louise.
639
00:26:09,103 --> 00:26:11,305
[♪♪♪]
640
00:26:15,709 --> 00:26:18,078
[ENGINE REVVING]
BERT: Wait.
641
00:26:19,980 --> 00:26:21,215
That's me. I'm the Machine.
642
00:26:21,348 --> 00:26:23,016
Why am I on a billboard?
643
00:26:23,150 --> 00:26:25,285
SPONGE:
Da. You famous.
644
00:26:25,419 --> 00:26:28,188
[CHUCKLES]
I'm hot folklore
in the Soviet Union.
645
00:26:28,322 --> 00:26:30,391
The Soviet Union is dead,
you ignorant fuck!
646
00:26:31,759 --> 00:26:34,194
We're Russia. We're strong.
647
00:26:34,328 --> 00:26:35,295
SPONGE:
We're here.
648
00:26:37,898 --> 00:26:40,601
They turned it into condos.
649
00:26:41,735 --> 00:26:43,237
Oh, hello there.
650
00:26:43,370 --> 00:26:44,571
[SCOFFS]
651
00:26:44,705 --> 00:26:45,840
BERT:
Hey, Dad, this isn't Orlando.
652
00:26:45,973 --> 00:26:47,341
Quit trying
to work a threesome.
653
00:26:47,474 --> 00:26:49,042
Put it back in your pants.
654
00:26:49,176 --> 00:26:51,044
Well, that was rude.
655
00:26:51,178 --> 00:26:52,446
Move.
656
00:26:52,579 --> 00:26:55,215
Hey, here's where
we took classes.
657
00:26:55,349 --> 00:26:57,217
This is where I met Igor.
658
00:26:57,351 --> 00:26:59,353
["SANTERIA" BY SUBLIME PLAYING]
659
00:26:59,486 --> 00:27:02,289
Wow. 23 years ago.
660
00:27:02,423 --> 00:27:04,425
I should've taken
more pictures of my dick.
661
00:27:04,558 --> 00:27:07,361
♪ I don't practice Santeria ♪
662
00:27:07,494 --> 00:27:10,097
♪ I ain't got no crystal ball ♪
663
00:27:10,230 --> 00:27:12,533
♪ Well, I had
a million dollars ♪
664
00:27:12,666 --> 00:27:15,569
♪ But I'd... I'd spend it all ♪
665
00:27:15,702 --> 00:27:18,071
♪ If I could find that Heina ♪
666
00:27:18,205 --> 00:27:20,574
♪ And that Sancho
that she's found ♪
667
00:27:20,707 --> 00:27:23,177
♪ Well, I'd pop a cap
in Sancho ♪
668
00:27:23,310 --> 00:27:25,412
♪ And I'd slap her down... ♪
669
00:27:25,546 --> 00:27:27,816
TEACHER [VOICE-OVER]:
Okay, class, listen up.
670
00:27:27,948 --> 00:27:30,451
Do not expect
an easy course load.
671
00:27:30,584 --> 00:27:32,252
It isn't a vacation.
672
00:27:32,386 --> 00:27:36,623
Your goal is to culturally bond
with the indigenous citizens.
673
00:27:36,757 --> 00:27:39,293
This is Igor. He is a banditti.
674
00:27:39,426 --> 00:27:40,961
You will be taking courses...
675
00:27:41,094 --> 00:27:42,262
YOUNG BERT:
I actually don't
speak much Russian.
676
00:27:42,396 --> 00:27:43,764
What is "banditti"?
677
00:27:43,898 --> 00:27:47,167
Oh, um, "banditti" is
the Russian word for mobster.
678
00:27:47,301 --> 00:27:50,637
This is a class trip.
How come we've never met?
679
00:27:50,771 --> 00:27:51,940
Oh, I don't go to class much.
680
00:27:52,072 --> 00:27:53,407
I'm Bert.
681
00:27:53,540 --> 00:27:55,642
ASHLEY:
Oh, Ashley.
682
00:27:55,776 --> 00:27:57,744
TEACHER:
But Russia is
a dangerous place.
683
00:27:57,879 --> 00:27:58,979
Igor is our fixer.
684
00:27:59,112 --> 00:28:02,483
He is only here
for your protection.
685
00:28:02,616 --> 00:28:03,852
He is very dangerous.
686
00:28:03,984 --> 00:28:05,652
[IMITATES ROARING]
[STUDENTS GASPING]
687
00:28:05,786 --> 00:28:06,687
[CHUCKLES]
688
00:28:08,322 --> 00:28:11,091
You are not to talk to
or hang out with him.
689
00:28:11,225 --> 00:28:12,961
All I want to do is
hang out with him.
690
00:28:13,093 --> 00:28:14,628
ALBERT [VOICE-OVER]:
I never know what to believe
691
00:28:14,761 --> 00:28:16,497
about what you say happened
back then.
692
00:28:16,630 --> 00:28:19,399
You do have
a very active imagination.
693
00:28:19,533 --> 00:28:21,134
[SCOFFS]
I imagine.
694
00:28:21,268 --> 00:28:22,469
That's my issue.
695
00:28:22,603 --> 00:28:24,304
Well, one of them.
696
00:28:24,438 --> 00:28:27,341
IRINA:
My father and I have
a similar relationship.
697
00:28:27,474 --> 00:28:28,575
BERT:
What the fuck is this thing?
698
00:28:28,709 --> 00:28:29,911
Is it an iPad?
[BEEPING]
699
00:28:30,043 --> 00:28:32,079
I got this, son.
700
00:28:32,212 --> 00:28:34,214
I am an Eagle Scout.
701
00:28:35,516 --> 00:28:36,885
IRINA:
What is an Eagle Scout?
702
00:28:37,017 --> 00:28:38,585
It's like if James Bond
was a Mormon.
703
00:28:38,719 --> 00:28:40,855
An Eagle Scout
can get in anywhere.
704
00:28:40,989 --> 00:28:43,090
You'd know that
if you'd become an Eagle Scout.
705
00:28:43,223 --> 00:28:44,658
But no...
706
00:28:44,791 --> 00:28:45,692
[SCREAMS]
707
00:28:45,827 --> 00:28:48,695
[ELEVATOR BELL CHIMING]
708
00:28:48,830 --> 00:28:50,197
My fist
is Eagle Scout.
709
00:28:50,330 --> 00:28:52,299
[LAUGHS]
710
00:28:52,432 --> 00:28:55,202
I'll wait in the car.
711
00:28:55,335 --> 00:28:58,071
IRINA:
He has impulse control issue.
Very sad.
712
00:28:58,205 --> 00:28:59,706
BERT:
Yeah. Steroids
will do that to you.
713
00:29:01,108 --> 00:29:03,577
They really dressed
this place up.
714
00:29:03,710 --> 00:29:06,014
Still have the world's
smallest elevator.
715
00:29:09,516 --> 00:29:11,051
[PHONE BEEPS]
716
00:29:11,184 --> 00:29:14,022
[IN RUSSIAN]
717
00:29:14,187 --> 00:29:16,156
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
718
00:29:16,290 --> 00:29:18,559
Holy shit.
719
00:29:18,692 --> 00:29:21,562
There was a woman
that sat right there.
720
00:29:21,695 --> 00:29:24,298
She absolutely loved me.
721
00:29:24,431 --> 00:29:27,701
Igor's room was
all the way down to the right.
722
00:29:27,835 --> 00:29:29,736
I took a shit on a pizza box
right there.
723
00:29:29,871 --> 00:29:31,738
Jesus, son.
724
00:29:31,873 --> 00:29:34,641
Eh, it got mixed reviews.
725
00:29:34,775 --> 00:29:37,611
Honestly, if I hadn't
sprained that finger,
726
00:29:37,744 --> 00:29:39,313
probably would've made it
to the league.
727
00:29:39,446 --> 00:29:41,415
But, you know, I wasn't
about to lose a thumb war
728
00:29:41,548 --> 00:29:43,885
to a 12-year-old, you know?
729
00:29:44,018 --> 00:29:45,319
Here you go, dabushka.
730
00:29:45,452 --> 00:29:47,055
Gifts from
your American friend.
731
00:29:47,187 --> 00:29:48,923
[SPEAKS RUSSIAN]
Aw.
732
00:29:49,057 --> 00:29:51,758
Gifts are a very important
aspect of Russian life, Ash.
733
00:29:51,893 --> 00:29:53,861
Bet you didn't know that.
Hmm.
734
00:29:53,995 --> 00:29:56,630
Bet you didn't know
your fly was down.
735
00:29:56,763 --> 00:29:58,231
[CLEARS THROAT]
736
00:29:58,365 --> 00:30:00,267
IRINA [VOICE-OVER]:
Why are you telling us this?
737
00:30:00,400 --> 00:30:01,368
BERT [VOICE-OVER]:
Sorry.
738
00:30:01,501 --> 00:30:03,037
Lot of memories
being back here.
739
00:30:03,170 --> 00:30:05,073
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]
740
00:30:06,908 --> 00:30:09,944
Whoa, you live right across
from Igor and the banditti?
741
00:30:10,078 --> 00:30:11,813
Do you ever hear, like, screams
coming from their room?
742
00:30:11,946 --> 00:30:13,447
Uh, no, not really.
743
00:30:13,580 --> 00:30:15,984
[LIVELY CHATTER]
YOUNG BERT: Look at them.
744
00:30:16,116 --> 00:30:17,885
They're magnificent.
745
00:30:18,019 --> 00:30:20,387
How do I talk to them?
How do I say my name?
746
00:30:20,520 --> 00:30:23,256
[VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYING]
747
00:30:23,390 --> 00:30:24,993
BERT [VOICE-OVER]:
I planned the perfect sentence.
748
00:30:25,125 --> 00:30:26,660
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
749
00:30:26,793 --> 00:30:28,362
But the second
I was face-to-face
750
00:30:28,495 --> 00:30:30,764
with a real Russian gangster,
[CLEARS THROAT]
751
00:30:30,898 --> 00:30:32,366
I panicked.
752
00:30:32,499 --> 00:30:33,767
Ya machina.
753
00:30:39,941 --> 00:30:41,943
Ya machina.
754
00:30:42,076 --> 00:30:44,012
BERT [VOICE-OVER]:
"Muchina" means badass.
755
00:30:44,144 --> 00:30:46,047
"Machina" means machine.
756
00:30:46,179 --> 00:30:47,681
I said I was the Machine.
757
00:30:47,815 --> 00:30:50,484
IRINA [VOICE-OVER]:
You're an idiot.
758
00:30:50,617 --> 00:30:52,185
Y-Ya machina.
759
00:30:53,453 --> 00:30:54,354
BERT [VOICE-OVER]:
Luckily...
760
00:30:54,488 --> 00:30:55,656
[LAUGHTER]
761
00:30:55,789 --> 00:30:57,424
...they thought
it was hilarious.
762
00:30:57,557 --> 00:30:59,827
IGOR:
On machina! [LAUGHING]
763
00:30:59,961 --> 00:31:01,428
BERT [VOICE-OVER]:
They introduced me
to their world,
764
00:31:01,561 --> 00:31:02,830
and I introduced them to mine.
765
00:31:02,964 --> 00:31:05,465
Vodka, lemon,
two teaspoons of sugar.
766
00:31:05,599 --> 00:31:07,768
These are called lemon drops.
They're called lemon drops.
767
00:31:07,902 --> 00:31:12,172
Okay, they're from Florida,
and they're fucking delicious!
768
00:31:12,305 --> 00:31:15,275
[CHEERING]
The Machine
is powered by lemons!
769
00:31:15,409 --> 00:31:18,112
BERT [VOICE-OVER]:
And the legend
of the Machine was born.
770
00:31:18,245 --> 00:31:19,312
[YOUNG BERT SHOUTS IN RUSSIAN]
771
00:31:19,446 --> 00:31:22,683
[ALL REPEAT SHOUT IN RUSSIAN]
772
00:31:22,817 --> 00:31:23,717
All right, all right,
all right.
773
00:31:23,851 --> 00:31:25,053
This next one's a little thing
774
00:31:25,185 --> 00:31:27,320
I like to call
Beavis and Butt-Head.
775
00:31:27,454 --> 00:31:29,090
[LAUGHTER]
776
00:31:29,222 --> 00:31:30,825
His head is a butt!
777
00:31:30,958 --> 00:31:32,359
BERT [VOICE-OVER]:
They had no frame of reference
778
00:31:32,492 --> 00:31:33,660
for American culture.
779
00:31:33,794 --> 00:31:35,163
[BRITISH ACCENT]:
Do I make you horny?
780
00:31:35,295 --> 00:31:36,596
[LAUGHTER]
781
00:31:36,730 --> 00:31:38,432
ALBERT [VOICE-OVER]:
Austin Powers? Really?
782
00:31:38,565 --> 00:31:40,400
BERT: Shut up, Dad.
[CHEERING]
783
00:31:40,534 --> 00:31:43,203
So, I stole from the best,
and they thought it was me.
784
00:31:44,671 --> 00:31:46,406
To them, I was just
some crazy genius
785
00:31:46,540 --> 00:31:48,042
who could out-drink 'em all.
786
00:31:48,176 --> 00:31:50,610
I'm the Machine!
[CHEERING]
787
00:31:53,981 --> 00:31:56,416
[CHEERING]
788
00:31:56,550 --> 00:31:57,985
I call this the "Macarena."
789
00:31:58,119 --> 00:32:00,220
[PEOPLE SINGING DRUNKENLY]
790
00:32:00,353 --> 00:32:01,856
BERT [VOICE-OVER]:
Word spread fast.
791
00:32:01,989 --> 00:32:05,559
And the legend of the Machine
just kept growing.
792
00:32:05,692 --> 00:32:07,095
♪ You're unbelievable... ♪
793
00:32:07,227 --> 00:32:09,063
[CHEERING]
794
00:32:09,197 --> 00:32:12,399
IRINA [VOICE-OVER]:
Everyone in Russia
heard the stories.
795
00:32:12,532 --> 00:32:14,267
You were folklore.
[BERT CHUCKLES]
796
00:32:14,401 --> 00:32:16,236
BERT [VOICE-OVER]:
I was good for Igor's business.
797
00:32:16,369 --> 00:32:17,671
People paid him
to party with me.
798
00:32:17,805 --> 00:32:19,173
Wait! The stash hole!
799
00:32:19,306 --> 00:32:22,576
Igor's room has a stash hole
in it, in the wall.
800
00:32:22,709 --> 00:32:25,046
And what does he keep
in this hole?
801
00:32:25,179 --> 00:32:26,780
Beanie Babies.
802
00:32:26,914 --> 00:32:28,715
Come on. Drugs, money and porn.
You're in the mob.
803
00:32:28,850 --> 00:32:29,984
But maybe
there's something in there
804
00:32:30,118 --> 00:32:31,718
that can tell us
how to find him.
805
00:32:31,853 --> 00:32:33,286
It's this one right here.
806
00:32:33,420 --> 00:32:36,289
I hope so,
for your daughter's sake.
807
00:32:37,791 --> 00:32:38,926
[DOG BARKS]
808
00:32:40,027 --> 00:32:41,428
Oi!
[BARKS]
809
00:32:41,561 --> 00:32:42,796
Uh-huh, that's feminism.
You asked for it.
810
00:32:42,930 --> 00:32:45,133
Fuck you! Pussy woman-boy!
811
00:32:45,265 --> 00:32:48,102
Well, I see wokeness
hasn't made its way to Russia.
812
00:32:48,236 --> 00:32:50,104
[TIRES SCREECHING]
813
00:32:50,238 --> 00:32:52,140
[UPBEAT RUSSIAN MUSIC
PLAYING IN VEHICLE]
814
00:32:53,774 --> 00:32:56,010
[UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES
WITH LYRICS IN RUSSIAN]
815
00:33:00,413 --> 00:33:01,648
[KNOCKS ON VEHICLE]
816
00:33:04,018 --> 00:33:07,221
The hole?
Yeah, right.
817
00:33:07,354 --> 00:33:08,823
All right.
818
00:33:08,956 --> 00:33:11,125
That wall used to go
all the way down.
819
00:33:11,259 --> 00:33:13,261
If I'm not mistaken...
820
00:33:13,393 --> 00:33:15,796
[KNOCKING ON WALL]
821
00:33:16,931 --> 00:33:18,665
[GROANS]
Bingo.
822
00:33:21,803 --> 00:33:23,336
[WHISPERS]:
Oh.
823
00:33:23,470 --> 00:33:25,639
IRINA:
No watch.
824
00:33:25,772 --> 00:33:27,474
BERT:
This is something way better.
825
00:33:27,607 --> 00:33:28,976
One of Ash's
pot brownies, Dad.
826
00:33:29,110 --> 00:33:31,511
These things were gold
back in the day.
827
00:33:31,645 --> 00:33:33,380
Why would anyone keep
20-year-old
828
00:33:33,513 --> 00:33:35,183
[VOICE-OVER]:
marijuana brownies?
829
00:33:35,315 --> 00:33:38,518
Ashley's pot brownies are the
best thing I've ever tasted.
830
00:33:38,652 --> 00:33:40,988
They're mad strong, though,
so only eat a little.
831
00:33:42,656 --> 00:33:44,558
Don't fuck.
[LAUGHING]
832
00:33:45,759 --> 00:33:48,129
You're fucking with me, man.
833
00:33:48,262 --> 00:33:49,696
Go fuck yourself.
834
00:33:51,798 --> 00:33:53,400
Hey, how'd you become
a banditti?
835
00:33:54,801 --> 00:33:57,038
One day,
836
00:33:57,171 --> 00:33:58,505
man told me,
837
00:33:58,638 --> 00:34:02,009
"Igor, help me
with this thing."
838
00:34:03,410 --> 00:34:04,879
Thing was mafia.
839
00:34:05,012 --> 00:34:06,379
BERT:
'Cause if I get hungry,
I get hangry,
840
00:34:06,513 --> 00:34:08,216
and everybody knows
marijuana goes bad after time.
841
00:34:08,348 --> 00:34:09,516
It's like the reverse
of pickles.
842
00:34:09,649 --> 00:34:12,552
So, no Igor, no watch.
843
00:34:12,686 --> 00:34:16,057
Just old money
and pickle weed.
844
00:34:16,190 --> 00:34:18,192
This is not good
for you, Bert.
845
00:34:18,326 --> 00:34:20,328
WOMAN: Fuck you.
[DOG BARKS, WHIMPERS]
846
00:34:20,460 --> 00:34:21,494
IRINA:
Vanya.
847
00:34:21,628 --> 00:34:23,730
It's not good for you either.
848
00:34:25,699 --> 00:34:28,735
[IN RUSSIAN]
849
00:34:28,870 --> 00:34:30,171
[MAN SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
[DOG BARKING]
850
00:34:30,304 --> 00:34:31,738
VANYA:
He is Machina?
851
00:34:31,873 --> 00:34:32,907
The man's man?
852
00:34:33,040 --> 00:34:34,407
Nah.
853
00:34:34,541 --> 00:34:38,112
He has, uh... breasts.
854
00:34:44,252 --> 00:34:47,221
Your friend, Igor,
855
00:34:47,355 --> 00:34:49,789
he took over the trains
to Moscow.
856
00:34:49,924 --> 00:34:52,759
And now I know
where to find the watch.
857
00:34:52,894 --> 00:34:54,628
How do you know
Igor runs trains?
858
00:34:54,761 --> 00:34:56,763
Because...
859
00:34:56,898 --> 00:34:58,232
I am respected.
860
00:34:58,366 --> 00:34:59,967
[SCOFFS]
861
00:35:01,434 --> 00:35:03,871
I make it my job
to know these things.
862
00:35:04,005 --> 00:35:05,172
You?
863
00:35:07,674 --> 00:35:09,076
You are foolish woman.
864
00:35:09,210 --> 00:35:11,611
Playing pretend.
865
00:35:18,319 --> 00:35:20,054
I do not play.
866
00:35:25,192 --> 00:35:26,626
[DOG WHIMPERS]
[BERT AND ALBERT GASP]
867
00:35:26,760 --> 00:35:28,029
[SCREAMING]
[THUMP OUTSIDE]
868
00:35:28,162 --> 00:35:30,563
Holy cow!
869
00:35:30,697 --> 00:35:33,566
[WOMAN CRYING]
870
00:35:33,700 --> 00:35:35,303
You're an insolent child,
Vanya.
871
00:35:35,435 --> 00:35:37,737
VANYA:
Now you come with me on train
872
00:35:37,872 --> 00:35:39,472
or you go out window.
873
00:35:39,606 --> 00:35:40,507
All right, let's go, Dad.
Come on.
874
00:35:40,640 --> 00:35:41,508
Yeah, let's go.
All right.
875
00:35:41,641 --> 00:35:43,110
Let's go.
876
00:35:43,244 --> 00:35:44,577
See you around.
877
00:35:47,248 --> 00:35:49,116
Put your hands down.
878
00:35:52,219 --> 00:35:53,955
Well, this is wonderful.
879
00:35:54,088 --> 00:35:55,990
We're about to be killed
by gangsters.
880
00:35:56,123 --> 00:35:58,025
And you're pocketing
ancient pot brownies.
881
00:35:58,159 --> 00:35:59,659
BERT:
You say shit like that
882
00:35:59,793 --> 00:36:01,262
and you wonder why we haven't
visited in three years.
883
00:36:01,395 --> 00:36:02,930
So now it's my fault?
Yeah.
884
00:36:03,064 --> 00:36:04,731
I don't want to be around that
shit, and neither do my kids.
885
00:36:04,865 --> 00:36:06,167
Your kids are great.
Don't bring them into this.
886
00:36:06,300 --> 00:36:08,970
Oh, I know they're great, Dad.
They're my kids.
887
00:36:09,103 --> 00:36:11,272
ALBERT:
You know, your problem
is you live this life
888
00:36:11,405 --> 00:36:12,739
where you get rewarded
889
00:36:12,873 --> 00:36:14,442
for indulging
in your worst tendencies.
890
00:36:15,709 --> 00:36:17,610
[GRUNTING]
891
00:36:22,216 --> 00:36:23,750
[SCREAMS]
892
00:36:26,454 --> 00:36:27,822
[NECK SNAPS]
893
00:36:27,955 --> 00:36:29,522
Let's hope
that was an adjustment.
894
00:36:30,657 --> 00:36:32,326
Meet you downstairs.
895
00:36:32,460 --> 00:36:34,362
[♪♪♪]
896
00:36:53,713 --> 00:36:56,317
Well, we should be safe
in here.
897
00:36:56,450 --> 00:36:57,485
[RAPID GUNFIRE]
[BOTH SCREAM]
898
00:36:59,353 --> 00:37:00,520
[GRUNTS]
[MAN SCREAMS]
899
00:37:09,997 --> 00:37:12,366
[MAN SCREAMING]
900
00:37:15,803 --> 00:37:16,837
I got you, son!
901
00:37:16,971 --> 00:37:18,072
No, I got you!
I'm covering you!
902
00:37:18,205 --> 00:37:19,840
Everything's under control!
No!
903
00:37:35,156 --> 00:37:36,524
[IRINA GRUNTING FIERCELY]
904
00:37:42,863 --> 00:37:43,898
[GRUNTS]
905
00:37:45,099 --> 00:37:46,599
BERT:
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
906
00:37:46,733 --> 00:37:47,801
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
907
00:37:51,839 --> 00:37:52,807
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
908
00:38:02,883 --> 00:38:04,452
Lift!
909
00:38:04,584 --> 00:38:06,120
No! No, no! Close, close!
ALBERT: Close the door!
910
00:38:06,253 --> 00:38:07,421
Shoot back, idiots!
911
00:38:13,828 --> 00:38:17,031
VANYA:
I will present the boss
with your head, Machina!
912
00:38:17,164 --> 00:38:18,132
Dad.
913
00:38:18,265 --> 00:38:20,201
I can't use that.
914
00:38:20,334 --> 00:38:22,769
After I read
Mandela's biography,
915
00:38:22,903 --> 00:38:25,539
I made a vow
of nonviolence.
916
00:38:25,672 --> 00:38:27,108
You are dead!
917
00:38:27,241 --> 00:38:28,943
Dead!
918
00:38:29,076 --> 00:38:31,045
Fine. I'm just gonna
shoot him in the leg.
919
00:38:31,178 --> 00:38:32,913
[BREATHING DEEPLY]
920
00:38:34,181 --> 00:38:35,082
[GROANS]
921
00:38:35,216 --> 00:38:36,984
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
922
00:38:37,118 --> 00:38:39,053
[♪♪♪]
923
00:38:58,572 --> 00:38:59,706
Let's go, dickheads!
924
00:39:01,442 --> 00:39:02,709
[TIRES SCREECH]
925
00:39:02,843 --> 00:39:05,146
[♪♪♪]
926
00:39:05,279 --> 00:39:06,347
[BARKING]
927
00:39:06,480 --> 00:39:08,015
Goddamn it. Let go.
928
00:39:08,149 --> 00:39:10,184
No! I'm glad you're alive!
Let go of me!
929
00:39:10,317 --> 00:39:12,419
ALBERT: Get in the car, son.
I'm trying, Dad!
930
00:39:12,553 --> 00:39:14,455
[♪♪♪]
931
00:39:26,834 --> 00:39:28,369
Sponge!
[BERT GROANS]
932
00:39:28,502 --> 00:39:30,304
[IN RUSSIAN]
933
00:39:30,437 --> 00:39:32,173
BERT:
So bad. This is not going away.
934
00:39:34,774 --> 00:39:36,343
I'm gonna meet the devil.
935
00:39:36,477 --> 00:39:37,945
I'm going to fucking hell.
936
00:39:38,078 --> 00:39:39,547
Oh, shit. Goddamn it.
ALBERT: I'm at my lake house.
937
00:39:39,679 --> 00:39:41,515
The fish are jumping.
938
00:39:41,649 --> 00:39:43,217
I'm having mac and cheese
for dinner.
939
00:39:43,350 --> 00:39:44,717
Are you doing
breathing exercises?
940
00:39:44,852 --> 00:39:46,753
You can't do breathing
exercises for murder, Dad.
941
00:39:46,887 --> 00:39:48,255
I killed a man.
942
00:39:48,389 --> 00:39:51,058
Well, technically
you killed several men.
943
00:39:51,192 --> 00:39:53,194
Oh, God!
You're not helping!
944
00:39:53,327 --> 00:39:54,895
Hey.
What?
945
00:39:55,029 --> 00:39:56,363
It happens.
946
00:39:56,497 --> 00:39:57,764
BERT:
I'm not gonna start
smoking cigarettes.
947
00:39:57,898 --> 00:39:59,266
No, it doesn't happen.
948
00:39:59,400 --> 00:40:01,335
A speeding ticket,
that happens.
949
00:40:01,468 --> 00:40:03,404
Shitting your pants
at Best Buy, that happens.
950
00:40:04,838 --> 00:40:06,540
My brother Vanya
was an asshole.
951
00:40:06,674 --> 00:40:08,542
[GASPING]
952
00:40:08,676 --> 00:40:10,611
Brother?
Like your real brother?
953
00:40:10,743 --> 00:40:12,513
Like your mom and dad
are the same mom and dad?
954
00:40:12,646 --> 00:40:13,647
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
955
00:40:13,780 --> 00:40:14,747
I didn't know
he was your brother.
956
00:40:14,882 --> 00:40:16,150
Don't be.
957
00:40:16,283 --> 00:40:17,985
There is a power struggle
in the mob.
958
00:40:18,118 --> 00:40:20,720
As oldest, I will inherit
my father's empire,
959
00:40:20,854 --> 00:40:22,690
but Vanya wants control.
960
00:40:22,856 --> 00:40:24,925
Wanted control.
961
00:40:25,059 --> 00:40:27,428
He's dead.
[GASPS] Oh, my God.
962
00:40:27,561 --> 00:40:29,163
I'm still
getting used to it.
963
00:40:29,296 --> 00:40:32,700
What the fuck is happening?
Get me the fuck out of here.
964
00:40:32,833 --> 00:40:34,702
Many others also want control.
965
00:40:34,835 --> 00:40:37,371
They say I cannot run mob
because I'm woman.
966
00:40:37,504 --> 00:40:38,372
This isn't happening.
967
00:40:38,505 --> 00:40:39,873
SPONGE:
Boss.
968
00:40:40,007 --> 00:40:41,408
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
969
00:40:41,542 --> 00:40:42,443
BERT:
Dad.
970
00:40:44,445 --> 00:40:46,380
Give me some life advice,
some words of wisdom.
971
00:40:48,849 --> 00:40:50,317
Everybody's got to die
sometime.
972
00:40:50,451 --> 00:40:52,453
That's it?
973
00:40:52,586 --> 00:40:53,887
That's your advice?
974
00:40:54,021 --> 00:40:56,156
Well, what do you
want me to say?
975
00:40:56,290 --> 00:40:58,758
That vulnerability is scary
and it's hard to open up?
976
00:40:58,892 --> 00:41:00,427
Yeah, Dad.
That would've been great.
977
00:41:00,561 --> 00:41:01,761
[CHUCKLES]
Son.
978
00:41:01,895 --> 00:41:03,796
It was your mother
that was the coddler,
979
00:41:03,931 --> 00:41:05,966
not me.
[VEHICLE APPROACHING]
980
00:41:09,036 --> 00:41:11,338
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
981
00:41:11,472 --> 00:41:14,074
BERT:
Jesus. We got it, Sasquatch.
982
00:41:16,744 --> 00:41:19,480
[INHALES DEEPLY]
983
00:41:19,613 --> 00:41:21,248
[EXHALES]
984
00:41:25,719 --> 00:41:26,987
Igor. Igor.
985
00:41:28,355 --> 00:41:29,423
I'm coming. I'm coming.
986
00:41:34,194 --> 00:41:35,129
Hey.
987
00:41:39,066 --> 00:41:41,835
My brother would have shot me
if he had a chance.
988
00:41:43,737 --> 00:41:46,507
Thank you for making
his death very fast.
989
00:41:48,108 --> 00:41:50,177
Well, then, can I real quick
call my daughter
990
00:41:50,311 --> 00:41:51,645
just to make sure she's okay?
991
00:41:51,779 --> 00:41:53,280
Don't push it.
992
00:41:55,849 --> 00:41:57,785
[♪♪♪]
993
00:42:08,495 --> 00:42:10,731
ALBERT:
Now, this is the kind
of Russian architecture
994
00:42:10,864 --> 00:42:11,999
I wanted to see.
995
00:42:12,132 --> 00:42:13,867
We're not on
a sightseeing tour, Dad.
996
00:42:15,302 --> 00:42:17,371
Hey, Irina,
I think this is gonna be great.
997
00:42:17,504 --> 00:42:18,939
We'll find Igor,
we'll get your watch,
998
00:42:19,073 --> 00:42:20,941
and then you can
let us go, right?
999
00:42:21,075 --> 00:42:22,276
Holy cow.
1000
00:42:22,409 --> 00:42:24,511
This place hasn't changed
a bit.
1001
00:42:26,413 --> 00:42:28,282
Oh. Right there.
1002
00:42:28,415 --> 00:42:31,285
That's where Igor introduced me
to the train banditti.
1003
00:42:31,418 --> 00:42:33,954
I cannot go on
your student trip to Moscow.
1004
00:42:34,088 --> 00:42:35,322
What?
Yeah.
1005
00:42:35,456 --> 00:42:37,024
Different mafia runs train.
1006
00:42:37,157 --> 00:42:39,793
Igor, what am I
supposed to do here?
1007
00:42:39,927 --> 00:42:41,195
What you always do.
1008
00:42:41,328 --> 00:42:43,630
[IN RUSSIAN]
1009
00:42:48,602 --> 00:42:50,671
Come on,
show them your character.
1010
00:42:50,805 --> 00:42:52,740
British horny man. Come on.
1011
00:42:54,208 --> 00:42:56,777
[BRITISH ACCENT]:
Do I make you horny, baby?
1012
00:42:56,910 --> 00:42:58,779
[LAUGHTER]
1013
00:42:58,912 --> 00:43:02,182
Do I make you randy? Yeah.
Huh? It's classic.
1014
00:43:02,316 --> 00:43:04,918
IRINA [VOICE-OVER]:
You really like "Austin Powers"?
1015
00:43:05,052 --> 00:43:06,720
Yeah. It was really big
in the late '90s.
1016
00:43:06,855 --> 00:43:08,088
Give me a break, okay?
1017
00:43:08,222 --> 00:43:09,957
I get it.
1018
00:43:10,090 --> 00:43:11,692
I get why they liked you.
1019
00:43:11,826 --> 00:43:12,760
Wow, thanks, Dad.
1020
00:43:12,893 --> 00:43:14,395
Your toxic masculinity was
1021
00:43:14,528 --> 00:43:16,230
lighthearted
and progressive to them.
1022
00:43:16,363 --> 00:43:17,598
Yeah, well, your compliment
1023
00:43:17,731 --> 00:43:18,899
sounds a little bit
like a slam.
1024
00:43:19,032 --> 00:43:22,035
Quiet, fucked-up father-son.
SPONGE: Boss.
1025
00:43:24,304 --> 00:43:26,841
This is the Moscow line.
1026
00:43:26,974 --> 00:43:30,845
If Igor runs trains,
this is where he will be.
1027
00:43:30,978 --> 00:43:32,613
Be careful.
1028
00:43:32,746 --> 00:43:34,515
Train mob is very dangerous.
1029
00:43:34,648 --> 00:43:36,450
Don't worry.
Igor's my boy.
1030
00:43:36,583 --> 00:43:38,018
If he's here,
we're all set.
1031
00:43:38,152 --> 00:43:40,421
Yes, but he knows you.
1032
00:43:40,554 --> 00:43:42,222
They don't.
BERT: They look like
1033
00:43:42,356 --> 00:43:44,859
they're cosplaying
"American History X."
1034
00:43:44,992 --> 00:43:48,028
Let's go down further.
Less eyes.
1035
00:43:49,730 --> 00:43:51,064
[ENGINE REVS]
1036
00:43:57,137 --> 00:43:59,072
[♪♪♪]
1037
00:44:02,709 --> 00:44:03,812
Hello.
1038
00:44:03,944 --> 00:44:05,847
[IN RUSSIAN]
1039
00:44:10,951 --> 00:44:12,854
[IN RUSSIAN]
1040
00:44:15,255 --> 00:44:17,324
[TRAIN HORN BLOWS]
1041
00:44:17,458 --> 00:44:19,828
BERT:
Doesn't that sound mean
the train's departing?
1042
00:44:19,960 --> 00:44:21,128
IRINA: Get on!
Wait, what's the plan?
1043
00:44:21,261 --> 00:44:22,629
What are we doing?
1044
00:44:22,763 --> 00:44:24,565
IRINA:
We stay on train
till we find Igor.
1045
00:44:24,698 --> 00:44:26,133
Get the plane,
meet me in Moscow
1046
00:44:26,266 --> 00:44:27,434
with the rest of the men.
1047
00:44:29,069 --> 00:44:31,638
I cannot believe I'm doing
this Moscow trip over again.
1048
00:44:31,772 --> 00:44:33,240
IRINA: Move.
Wow.
1049
00:44:33,373 --> 00:44:36,009
This train smells
exactly like it did in '98.
1050
00:44:39,213 --> 00:44:42,349
YOUNG BERT:
Ugh. It smells like
cabbage and grandmas.
1051
00:44:42,483 --> 00:44:45,954
So long, Saint Petersburg!
Hello, Moscow!
1052
00:44:46,086 --> 00:44:46,955
Oh, sorry.
1053
00:44:47,087 --> 00:44:47,988
[CHUCKLES]
1054
00:44:50,123 --> 00:44:51,525
Why does everyone here
look like
1055
00:44:51,658 --> 00:44:52,927
they want to punch me
in the face?
1056
00:44:53,060 --> 00:44:54,661
It's improper to smile
in Russia, Bert.
1057
00:44:54,795 --> 00:44:57,130
You save it
for the people you love.
1058
00:44:57,264 --> 00:44:58,799
Do you?
1059
00:44:58,933 --> 00:45:00,835
Really?
What even is that?
1060
00:45:00,969 --> 00:45:03,872
So, you want to stay up
all night in the bar car or...?
1061
00:45:04,004 --> 00:45:05,874
I don't know
how you can drink so much
1062
00:45:06,006 --> 00:45:07,541
and never gain any weight.
1063
00:45:07,674 --> 00:45:09,376
I just have really great genes.
1064
00:45:12,279 --> 00:45:14,681
Do you maybe want to hang
in my cabin instead?
1065
00:45:14,816 --> 00:45:16,818
BERT [VOICE-OVER]:
I did.
1066
00:45:16,951 --> 00:45:18,585
I definitely did.
1067
00:45:18,719 --> 00:45:20,187
♪ Ah, I got a new life... ♪
1068
00:45:20,320 --> 00:45:22,222
Ow. Fucking idiot. Fuck.
1069
00:45:22,356 --> 00:45:25,225
Thanks, Dad,
for the dull fucking knife.
1070
00:45:25,359 --> 00:45:27,194
Ooh.
1071
00:45:27,327 --> 00:45:28,830
[SNIFFS]
1072
00:45:28,963 --> 00:45:30,163
♪ Ah, why do I bother... ♪
1073
00:45:30,297 --> 00:45:32,666
A-Ash. Hey.
1074
00:45:32,799 --> 00:45:34,234
♪ Not the one for me ♪
1075
00:45:34,368 --> 00:45:36,737
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
1076
00:45:36,871 --> 00:45:38,907
♪ Is enough enough? ♪
[GROANS]
1077
00:45:39,039 --> 00:45:40,407
♪ I saw the sign ♪
1078
00:45:40,541 --> 00:45:41,575
♪ And it opened up my eyes... ♪
1079
00:45:41,708 --> 00:45:42,576
Yeah.
1080
00:45:42,709 --> 00:45:44,645
Fucking ow.
1081
00:45:44,778 --> 00:45:47,047
♪ Life is demanding
without understanding... ♪
1082
00:45:47,180 --> 00:45:49,149
Oh, geez.
1083
00:45:49,283 --> 00:45:50,584
Way too much.
1084
00:45:50,717 --> 00:45:52,486
♪ I saw the sign ♪
1085
00:45:52,619 --> 00:45:53,922
Yeah.
1086
00:45:54,054 --> 00:45:55,823
♪ I saw the sign ♪
1087
00:45:55,957 --> 00:45:58,559
♪ I saw the sign ♪
♪ I saw the sign ♪
1088
00:45:58,692 --> 00:46:00,294
[KNOCKS]
1089
00:46:00,427 --> 00:46:02,262
♪ And it opened up my eyes ♪
1090
00:46:02,396 --> 00:46:03,597
♪ I saw the sign. ♪
[SONG ENDS]
1091
00:46:03,730 --> 00:46:05,432
Hey.
Hey, what are you doing?
1092
00:46:05,566 --> 00:46:06,466
Uh, not much.
1093
00:46:06,600 --> 00:46:07,869
[CHUCKLES]
I don't know.
1094
00:46:08,002 --> 00:46:09,703
It's pretty crazy in there.
1095
00:46:09,837 --> 00:46:11,873
So you still want to hang out?
It's cool if not.
1096
00:46:12,006 --> 00:46:14,308
You know, I'm a big fan
of, uh, romantic buildup.
1097
00:46:14,441 --> 00:46:15,576
ASHLEY: Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
1098
00:46:15,709 --> 00:46:16,978
Like, I don't even think
Ross and Rachel
1099
00:46:17,110 --> 00:46:18,645
should be together yet.
No way. Me neither.
1100
00:46:18,779 --> 00:46:19,713
YOUNG BERT: Right?
Yeah.
1101
00:46:19,847 --> 00:46:20,949
Save that for the millennium.
1102
00:46:21,081 --> 00:46:22,951
I kind of think we should...
FEDOR: You.
1103
00:46:25,285 --> 00:46:26,320
Hey.
1104
00:46:28,422 --> 00:46:30,290
You are one
they call Machine?
1105
00:46:32,259 --> 00:46:34,261
Yeah, that's, uh, that's me.
1106
00:46:34,394 --> 00:46:35,696
FEDOR:
Hmm.
1107
00:46:37,731 --> 00:46:40,601
BERT [VOICE-OVER]:
Fedor was the boss
of the train banditti.
1108
00:46:40,734 --> 00:46:42,135
He smelled like
nicotine patches
1109
00:46:42,269 --> 00:46:44,538
and looked at me the way
Ted Bundy looked at coeds.
1110
00:46:44,671 --> 00:46:47,075
It was horrible.
1111
00:46:47,207 --> 00:46:49,242
Machine does not ride
with the peasants.
1112
00:46:49,376 --> 00:46:50,410
Come, come.
1113
00:46:53,180 --> 00:46:55,950
Uh, Ashley, I'm gonna go
hang out with these scary dudes
1114
00:46:56,084 --> 00:46:58,052
for a little bit, and then
I'll be right back, okay?
1115
00:46:58,185 --> 00:46:59,152
I'll check back in.
1116
00:46:59,286 --> 00:47:01,121
FYI, I'm a good bed sharer.
1117
00:47:01,254 --> 00:47:02,924
Okay? Fun to cuddle with,
no night farts...
1118
00:47:03,057 --> 00:47:04,591
ALBERT [VOICE-OVER]: [SCOFFS]
You left that girl
1119
00:47:04,725 --> 00:47:07,095
so you could hang out
with a criminal?
1120
00:47:07,227 --> 00:47:09,696
IRINA [VOICE-OVER]:
He's right.
She was a sure thing.
1121
00:47:09,831 --> 00:47:11,431
[LAUGHTER, LIVELY CHATTER]
BERT [VOICE-OVER]: Yeah, well,
1122
00:47:11,565 --> 00:47:13,034
I've never been good
with sure things.
1123
00:47:13,166 --> 00:47:15,168
But Fedor took me
to the bar car.
1124
00:47:15,302 --> 00:47:17,105
This place had booze, drugs,
1125
00:47:17,237 --> 00:47:18,772
and here's
the real gangster part.
1126
00:47:18,906 --> 00:47:21,274
[IN RUSSIAN]
1127
00:47:21,408 --> 00:47:23,644
[CROWD CHEERING]
1128
00:47:23,777 --> 00:47:25,646
BERT [VOICE-OVER]:
They knew who I was.
1129
00:47:25,779 --> 00:47:28,049
They like you, huh?
1130
00:47:28,181 --> 00:47:31,085
BERT [VOICE-OVER]:
I guarantee this is
where we'll find Igor.
1131
00:47:32,753 --> 00:47:35,622
Wow, I guess nobody parties
in the bar car anymore.
1132
00:47:35,756 --> 00:47:37,491
IRINA:
Hmm. Especially Igor.
1133
00:47:40,160 --> 00:47:42,596
You know, 23-year-old me
loved this place.
1134
00:47:42,729 --> 00:47:44,832
Now it looks like
a truck stop bathroom.
1135
00:47:44,966 --> 00:47:46,700
I think your therapist
would call that
1136
00:47:46,834 --> 00:47:48,970
"growth people notice."
[CHUCKLES]
1137
00:47:50,637 --> 00:47:52,472
Wait.
1138
00:47:52,606 --> 00:47:55,043
Did LeeAnn tell you
I was in therapy?
1139
00:47:55,175 --> 00:47:56,878
[EXHALES]
Well...
1140
00:47:57,011 --> 00:47:58,345
[SIGHS]
1141
00:47:58,478 --> 00:48:00,747
when she called
to invite me to the party,
1142
00:48:00,882 --> 00:48:03,017
she opened up about
what you're going through.
1143
00:48:03,151 --> 00:48:06,653
After Sasha's arrest,
we were both worried you'd...
1144
00:48:06,787 --> 00:48:08,321
well, you know, mess up again.
1145
00:48:08,455 --> 00:48:11,525
Motherfucker!
Does no one trust me?
1146
00:48:11,658 --> 00:48:14,227
Or am I the guy that's
only gonna mess up again?
1147
00:48:14,361 --> 00:48:15,830
You're making a scene.
A scene?
1148
00:48:15,963 --> 00:48:18,866
I pay my bills
by making a scene!
1149
00:48:19,000 --> 00:48:21,201
I rip my shirt off and yell,
"I'm the Machine!"
1150
00:48:21,334 --> 00:48:22,669
MAN:
Hey!
1151
00:48:24,072 --> 00:48:26,874
Who says,
"I am Machine"?
1152
00:48:27,008 --> 00:48:27,909
You?
1153
00:48:29,376 --> 00:48:32,746
They say Machine can
walk through walls.
1154
00:48:32,880 --> 00:48:35,515
Only a ghost
can do that.
1155
00:48:35,649 --> 00:48:36,918
You...
1156
00:48:37,051 --> 00:48:38,385
you are not Machine.
1157
00:48:41,354 --> 00:48:42,824
You want to see
the fucking Machine?
1158
00:48:42,957 --> 00:48:44,125
They want to see the Machine.
1159
00:48:44,257 --> 00:48:45,258
Oh, you're getting
the fucking Machine.
1160
00:48:45,392 --> 00:48:46,326
Hey, where you going?
1161
00:48:46,460 --> 00:48:47,661
First up, I don't normally
1162
00:48:47,794 --> 00:48:48,896
do this for free.
1163
00:48:49,030 --> 00:48:50,330
Secondly, you're dressed
like dickheads.
1164
00:48:50,464 --> 00:48:52,232
Matching Nazi dickheads.
1165
00:48:52,365 --> 00:48:54,701
And third, you say it
three times and he shows up.
1166
00:48:54,836 --> 00:48:55,903
It's a lot like Candyman.
1167
00:48:56,037 --> 00:48:58,039
You've already said it twice.
1168
00:48:59,506 --> 00:49:01,274
That's me.
1169
00:49:01,408 --> 00:49:04,644
That's me on this bottle of
vodka that says "The Machine."
1170
00:49:04,778 --> 00:49:06,379
ALBERT: What are you doing?
Dad, sit down!
1171
00:49:06,513 --> 00:49:07,414
[ALBERT GROANS]
1172
00:49:08,682 --> 00:49:10,952
[IN RUSSIAN]
1173
00:49:12,786 --> 00:49:14,956
Igor.
Igor?
1174
00:49:15,089 --> 00:49:17,225
[MAN CONTINUES IN RUSSIAN]
1175
00:49:17,357 --> 00:49:19,626
Igor, it's your boy Bert.
1176
00:49:19,760 --> 00:49:21,129
You better have
my watch, bitch.
1177
00:49:21,261 --> 00:49:22,163
Finish it up.
1178
00:49:42,516 --> 00:49:43,750
Igor want to see you.
1179
00:49:43,885 --> 00:49:47,054
He will come
to the bar car soon.
1180
00:49:50,423 --> 00:49:54,996
But before that, it would be
an honor to party with you,
1181
00:49:55,129 --> 00:49:56,296
Machine.
1182
00:49:57,564 --> 00:49:59,233
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
1183
00:50:00,600 --> 00:50:01,969
BERT:
Strasvutsia, bitches.
1184
00:50:02,103 --> 00:50:03,503
Let's do it.
1185
00:50:03,637 --> 00:50:05,273
[CHUCKLING]
1186
00:50:08,109 --> 00:50:10,644
FEDOR:
You do drink like Russian.
1187
00:50:10,777 --> 00:50:12,345
[SPEAKS RUSSIAN]
1188
00:50:12,479 --> 00:50:15,016
Alcohol is
a universal language.
1189
00:50:15,149 --> 00:50:16,184
Yes.
1190
00:50:16,316 --> 00:50:17,784
We're all drunk on the inside.
1191
00:50:17,919 --> 00:50:20,654
[LAUGHING]
1192
00:50:20,787 --> 00:50:24,691
So, when do we meet
the real Machine, huh?
1193
00:50:25,960 --> 00:50:27,694
All right, listen up.
1194
00:50:27,829 --> 00:50:29,297
[SINGING ALONG]:
♪ I did it all for the nookie ♪
1195
00:50:29,429 --> 00:50:30,664
♪ Come on ♪
1196
00:50:30,797 --> 00:50:31,866
♪ The nookie ♪
♪ Come on ♪
1197
00:50:31,999 --> 00:50:33,700
♪ So you can take that cookie ♪
1198
00:50:33,835 --> 00:50:36,237
♪ And stick it up your asshole,
stick it up your asshole ♪
1199
00:50:36,369 --> 00:50:37,637
♪ Stick it up your asshole... ♪
1200
00:50:37,771 --> 00:50:40,373
Hey! Hey, excuse me!
1201
00:50:40,507 --> 00:50:42,442
Yo, teach. Hey, check it out.
1202
00:50:42,576 --> 00:50:45,279
I'm culturally bonding
with the indigenous citizens.
1203
00:50:45,412 --> 00:50:49,984
Get your ass
back to your cabin now!
1204
00:50:50,117 --> 00:50:51,685
[LAUGHTER]
♪ I did it all for the nookie ♪
1205
00:50:51,819 --> 00:50:53,520
♪ Come on ♪
♪ The nookie ♪
1206
00:50:53,653 --> 00:50:54,822
♪ Come on ♪
♪ So you can take... ♪
1207
00:50:54,956 --> 00:50:56,023
[ROARS]
1208
00:50:56,157 --> 00:50:57,591
[LAUGHS]
1209
00:50:57,724 --> 00:50:59,659
Fuck that bitch!
1210
00:50:59,793 --> 00:51:01,162
This is...
1211
00:51:01,295 --> 00:51:03,164
CROWD:
Russia!
1212
00:51:03,297 --> 00:51:04,731
BERT [VOICE-OVER]:
Dad, you said
1213
00:51:04,866 --> 00:51:06,466
I had to go to Russia
to find myself.
1214
00:51:06,600 --> 00:51:07,734
Well, I did.
1215
00:51:07,869 --> 00:51:11,172
I'm king of the world!
[CROWD CHEERING]
1216
00:51:11,305 --> 00:51:13,274
BERT [VOICE-OVER]:
That's how I felt.
1217
00:51:13,406 --> 00:51:14,708
I was king of the world.
1218
00:51:14,842 --> 00:51:16,409
IRINA [VOICE-OVER]:
Ugh. "Titanic"?
1219
00:51:16,543 --> 00:51:17,845
BERT [VOICE-OVER]:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1220
00:51:17,979 --> 00:51:20,014
I was stealing wholesale
from A-list movies,
1221
00:51:20,147 --> 00:51:21,249
but it worked.
1222
00:51:21,381 --> 00:51:22,782
Let me tell you something.
1223
00:51:22,917 --> 00:51:26,586
Entertaining criminals
and sex workers was amazing.
1224
00:51:26,720 --> 00:51:28,588
Maybe that's why I do so well
in Florida, huh?
1225
00:51:28,722 --> 00:51:29,957
[LAUGHTER]
1226
00:51:30,091 --> 00:51:31,292
They don't even get it.
1227
00:51:31,424 --> 00:51:33,060
[LAUGHING]
1228
00:51:33,194 --> 00:51:35,395
Tell us more stories, Machine.
1229
00:51:35,528 --> 00:51:37,430
The bar car was a blast.
1230
00:51:37,564 --> 00:51:39,666
But it's also
where shit got real.
1231
00:51:39,799 --> 00:51:41,369
Uh, what do you want,
Fedor?
1232
00:51:41,501 --> 00:51:42,904
[SPEAKS RUSSIAN]
1233
00:51:43,037 --> 00:51:45,239
Bread. Okay, cool. Wait.
1234
00:51:45,373 --> 00:51:47,174
I knew you said "bread."
1235
00:51:47,308 --> 00:51:48,608
Yes.
I'm picking up the language.
1236
00:51:48,742 --> 00:51:51,012
Give me another one, come on.
[SPEAKS RUSSIAN]
1237
00:51:51,145 --> 00:51:52,113
Cheese.
1238
00:51:52,246 --> 00:51:53,881
I'm basically fluent.
1239
00:51:55,049 --> 00:51:57,385
[SPEAKS RUSSIAN]
1240
00:51:57,517 --> 00:51:58,920
Uh, money. Got it.
1241
00:51:59,053 --> 00:52:00,520
Cool. Um...
1242
00:52:01,822 --> 00:52:03,757
Oh, no, are we robbing
this guy?
1243
00:52:03,891 --> 00:52:05,192
Yeah, I don't...
1244
00:52:05,326 --> 00:52:07,761
I don't really want
to rob anyone.
1245
00:52:07,895 --> 00:52:09,629
FEDOR:
Yes, you do.
1246
00:52:11,431 --> 00:52:13,767
Do it. Pussy.
1247
00:52:15,903 --> 00:52:19,140
First him, then train.
1248
00:52:19,273 --> 00:52:21,608
So that's what we did.
We robbed the train.
1249
00:52:21,741 --> 00:52:23,010
Yeah.
[LAUGHS]
1250
00:52:25,279 --> 00:52:27,681
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
1251
00:52:27,815 --> 00:52:29,749
BERT [VOICE-OVER]:
I was terrified.
1252
00:52:30,885 --> 00:52:32,320
They were practically giddy.
1253
00:52:32,452 --> 00:52:35,789
["THE FEAR" BY PULP PLAYING]
1254
00:52:35,923 --> 00:52:38,025
[PEOPLE CHATTERING IN RUSSIAN]
1255
00:52:39,827 --> 00:52:41,262
FEDOR:
Let's go.
1256
00:52:42,897 --> 00:52:44,832
BERT [VOICE-OVER]:
Fedor kept feeding me booze.
1257
00:52:44,966 --> 00:52:48,635
Now, you drink vodka.
1258
00:52:48,768 --> 00:52:50,004
[SPEAKS RUSSIAN]
1259
00:52:50,137 --> 00:52:52,273
Let's go. Drink.
1260
00:52:52,406 --> 00:52:53,808
That's it.
1261
00:52:56,609 --> 00:52:59,113
BERT [VOICE-OVER]:
I was completely out of control.
1262
00:52:59,246 --> 00:53:01,748
I mean, the rush of it
turned into a thrill.
1263
00:53:01,882 --> 00:53:03,516
[SLURRING]:
This is my room.
1264
00:53:03,650 --> 00:53:07,288
I was robbing the train
with the Russian mafia.
1265
00:53:07,421 --> 00:53:08,823
And I wasn't dying.
1266
00:53:08,956 --> 00:53:10,291
YOUNG BERT:
That's all my...
1267
00:53:10,424 --> 00:53:11,691
that's all my stuff.
1268
00:53:11,826 --> 00:53:12,860
Wait, wait, wait.
1269
00:53:12,994 --> 00:53:14,794
You're actually taking
my stuff?
1270
00:53:14,929 --> 00:53:18,366
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's my dad's, uh, knife.
1271
00:53:18,498 --> 00:53:19,733
You can't take that.
1272
00:53:19,867 --> 00:53:21,202
No, no, no.
1273
00:53:21,335 --> 00:53:24,637
You can take the other stuff,
but the knife?
1274
00:53:24,771 --> 00:53:26,307
That's my dad's.
FEDOR: Really?
1275
00:53:26,440 --> 00:53:27,842
No go.
1276
00:53:27,975 --> 00:53:30,744
I can't take, huh?
1277
00:53:30,878 --> 00:53:33,247
I'm sorry, Dad.
1278
00:53:33,381 --> 00:53:34,714
I let him steal it.
1279
00:53:34,849 --> 00:53:35,916
YOUNG BERT [VOICE-OVER]:
It's all yours.
1280
00:53:36,050 --> 00:53:38,052
[LAUGHING]
1281
00:53:39,186 --> 00:53:40,754
[LAUGHTER]
1282
00:53:40,888 --> 00:53:42,522
Machine.
1283
00:53:42,655 --> 00:53:44,225
Wow.
1284
00:53:44,358 --> 00:53:46,293
I would've cut out his heart
1285
00:53:46,427 --> 00:53:49,497
and make him watch it stop
beating with his last breath.
1286
00:53:50,931 --> 00:53:52,867
I guess
we're just built different.
1287
00:53:53,000 --> 00:53:54,801
The watch.
1288
00:53:54,935 --> 00:53:57,371
BERT [VOICE-OVER]:
Once I got really drunk...
1289
00:53:59,206 --> 00:54:01,042
...I robbed my class.
1290
00:54:01,175 --> 00:54:03,144
I robbed my whole class.
1291
00:54:03,277 --> 00:54:05,913
ASHLEY:
What the hell? Get out.
1292
00:54:06,047 --> 00:54:07,348
[SPITS]
[ASHLEY GASPS]
1293
00:54:07,481 --> 00:54:08,849
[FEDOR LAUGHS]
Fuck that bitch.
1294
00:54:08,983 --> 00:54:10,418
This is Russia.
1295
00:54:10,550 --> 00:54:12,486
[LAUGHING]
1296
00:54:15,555 --> 00:54:16,623
Ash.
1297
00:54:16,756 --> 00:54:17,791
I'm...
1298
00:54:17,925 --> 00:54:18,758
FEDOR:
Whoa.
1299
00:54:18,893 --> 00:54:22,363
Woman hit man?
That is new.
1300
00:54:22,496 --> 00:54:23,364
[LAUGHS]
1301
00:54:23,497 --> 00:54:25,565
I felt like a complete
1302
00:54:25,698 --> 00:54:28,069
and total piece of shit.
1303
00:54:28,202 --> 00:54:31,539
FEDOR:
Give it. Fast, fast.
Give me ring.
1304
00:54:31,671 --> 00:54:33,040
Let's go.
1305
00:54:33,174 --> 00:54:34,975
[SPEAKS RUSSIAN]
1306
00:54:37,111 --> 00:54:39,579
Okay?
That's it.
1307
00:54:39,712 --> 00:54:41,082
Good boy.
Okay.
1308
00:54:45,585 --> 00:54:47,455
I'll get it back.
1309
00:54:47,587 --> 00:54:48,755
I promise.
1310
00:54:50,391 --> 00:54:51,459
I'm sorry, Ash.
1311
00:54:51,591 --> 00:54:52,927
Yeah, fuck you.
1312
00:54:53,060 --> 00:54:55,563
[LAUGHTER]
1313
00:54:55,695 --> 00:54:57,531
Machine is the man.
1314
00:54:57,664 --> 00:54:58,532
BANDITTI:
Hey.
1315
00:54:58,665 --> 00:54:59,567
[CLICKS TONGUE]
Machine.
1316
00:54:59,699 --> 00:55:01,601
Igor need us in front of train.
1317
00:55:01,734 --> 00:55:03,603
You wait here.
We come back with him.
1318
00:55:03,736 --> 00:55:04,771
Machine!
1319
00:55:04,905 --> 00:55:05,772
[CHUCKLES]
1320
00:55:05,906 --> 00:55:07,808
[IN RUSSIAN]
1321
00:55:10,044 --> 00:55:13,047
Do you talk about
that part with...
1322
00:55:13,180 --> 00:55:15,149
with Ashley
when you do your show?
1323
00:55:15,282 --> 00:55:16,484
Obviously not, Dad.
1324
00:55:19,820 --> 00:55:22,089
[VOICE-OVER]:
But I think about it sometimes.
1325
00:55:22,223 --> 00:55:23,723
I think I liked
that story better
1326
00:55:23,858 --> 00:55:25,159
when I thought it was a lie.
1327
00:55:30,898 --> 00:55:32,133
And then what?
1328
00:55:32,266 --> 00:55:34,368
Story of you being
stupid idiot asshole is sad,
1329
00:55:34,502 --> 00:55:37,805
but you need to remember
my watch.
1330
00:55:41,609 --> 00:55:43,511
[DISTORTED CHATTER IN RUSSIAN]
1331
00:55:49,316 --> 00:55:50,683
I remember.
1332
00:55:50,818 --> 00:55:54,088
There was
one last private cabin.
1333
00:55:54,221 --> 00:55:56,123
[♪♪♪]
1334
00:55:57,992 --> 00:55:59,260
[IN RUSSIAN]
1335
00:55:59,393 --> 00:56:02,762
[IN RUSSIAN]
1336
00:56:02,897 --> 00:56:05,665
[IN RUSSIAN]
1337
00:56:05,798 --> 00:56:07,034
Do it.
1338
00:56:09,136 --> 00:56:10,271
Sorry.
1339
00:56:19,180 --> 00:56:21,081
[WATCH PLAYING GENTLE MUSIC]
1340
00:56:39,166 --> 00:56:40,201
That was the watch.
1341
00:56:44,004 --> 00:56:45,772
My father was no criminal.
1342
00:56:47,541 --> 00:56:48,943
He was a salesman.
1343
00:56:50,678 --> 00:56:54,882
And then you stole the
only thing he ever cared about.
1344
00:56:55,015 --> 00:56:58,152
He called police,
but no one would help him.
1345
00:56:58,285 --> 00:57:00,654
It made him say,
"Fuck honest living!
1346
00:57:00,787 --> 00:57:04,658
If you want respect,
you have to take it."
1347
00:57:04,825 --> 00:57:08,929
And from there,
he built our family.
1348
00:57:12,533 --> 00:57:13,867
Oh, my God.
1349
00:57:14,969 --> 00:57:16,837
I'm your origin story.
1350
00:57:16,971 --> 00:57:19,273
Most people see themselves
as Batman...
1351
00:57:20,874 --> 00:57:22,910
...not the guy
who killed Batman's parents.
1352
00:57:23,043 --> 00:57:25,546
What did you do
with the watch after that?
1353
00:57:25,679 --> 00:57:27,780
Uh, w-we went back
to the bar car.
1354
00:57:27,915 --> 00:57:30,451
Fedor went through
all the stuff that we stole.
1355
00:57:34,688 --> 00:57:36,457
[WATCH PLAYING GENTLE MUSIC]
1356
00:57:36,590 --> 00:57:38,459
Huh.
1357
00:57:38,592 --> 00:57:41,095
I... I hate this song.
1358
00:57:42,229 --> 00:57:43,497
[MUSIC STOPS]
1359
00:57:43,631 --> 00:57:46,667
Listen, in Russia,
1360
00:57:46,799 --> 00:57:50,738
we always give gifts
to a new friend.
1361
00:57:50,871 --> 00:57:52,606
Take, Machine.
1362
00:57:55,109 --> 00:57:56,877
He gave you the watch?
1363
00:57:57,011 --> 00:57:59,113
Where is it, Bert?
1364
00:57:59,246 --> 00:58:00,281
I need to know.
BERT: I don't know.
1365
00:58:00,414 --> 00:58:01,315
BANDITTI:
Machine.
1366
00:58:02,716 --> 00:58:04,285
Igor is here.
1367
00:58:06,353 --> 00:58:10,958
Igor, I present to you
the Machine.
1368
00:58:14,428 --> 00:58:15,763
[SPEAKS RUSSIAN]
1369
00:58:15,896 --> 00:58:18,465
Your friend has aged
even worse than you.
1370
00:58:19,867 --> 00:58:22,102
My men say,
1371
00:58:22,236 --> 00:58:27,041
"Come to meet famous Machine
from a vodka bottle."
1372
00:58:27,174 --> 00:58:28,776
I say, "Why not?
1373
00:58:28,909 --> 00:58:30,477
You can take selfie."
1374
00:58:31,578 --> 00:58:33,380
But you're not famous.
1375
00:58:35,949 --> 00:58:37,518
You have tits.
1376
00:58:38,819 --> 00:58:40,287
Yeah,
we've established that.
1377
00:58:40,421 --> 00:58:42,556
I don't know this guy.
This-this isn't Igor.
1378
00:58:42,690 --> 00:58:43,857
Who-who are you?
1379
00:58:43,991 --> 00:58:47,528
I knew old Igor.
My name is also Igor.
1380
00:58:47,661 --> 00:58:50,230
I took train from him,
make him disappear.
1381
00:58:51,632 --> 00:58:52,666
My train now.
1382
00:58:52,800 --> 00:58:55,336
Wait, Igor's dead?
1383
00:58:55,469 --> 00:58:56,670
Yeah.
1384
00:58:56,805 --> 00:58:59,973
And you're gonna die also.
IRINA: Enough.
1385
00:59:00,107 --> 00:59:03,812
I'm Irina Ivanona Volgina.
1386
00:59:03,944 --> 00:59:06,180
You know who my father is.
1387
00:59:06,313 --> 00:59:09,316
These two dipshits
belong to me.
1388
00:59:09,450 --> 00:59:13,053
Now go, if you want to live
to see your children again.
1389
00:59:14,588 --> 00:59:15,956
Stupid bitch.
1390
00:59:16,090 --> 00:59:18,525
You think I didn't ask
for permission?
1391
00:59:19,793 --> 00:59:21,128
Permission?
1392
00:59:26,033 --> 00:59:27,067
[GROWLS]
1393
00:59:28,302 --> 00:59:29,703
All right!
1394
00:59:31,305 --> 00:59:32,539
Listen up.
1395
00:59:32,673 --> 00:59:34,541
Never show fear, right?
Yeah.
1396
00:59:34,675 --> 00:59:35,943
Now, look.
1397
00:59:36,076 --> 00:59:37,745
Wait, that's the knife
you gave me.
1398
00:59:37,878 --> 00:59:40,214
No. I gave you one
just like it.
1399
00:59:40,347 --> 00:59:41,850
I knew you couldn't be trusted
with the original.
1400
00:59:41,982 --> 00:59:43,852
I'm not an idiot.
Oh, my God.
1401
00:59:43,984 --> 00:59:45,452
You heard me
pining about that knife.
1402
00:59:45,586 --> 00:59:48,422
You knew I felt guilty for
losing it for like 25 years!
1403
00:59:48,555 --> 00:59:50,724
That's enough.
[CHOKING]
1404
00:59:50,859 --> 00:59:52,526
BERT:
Dad, stab this bald fucker.
1405
00:59:52,659 --> 00:59:54,395
I'm sorry, son.
[CHOKING]
1406
00:59:54,528 --> 00:59:55,929
But...
I can't breathe.
1407
00:59:56,063 --> 01:00:00,234
...I swore I would never use
a weapon for violence.
1408
01:00:06,206 --> 01:00:07,274
[GRUNTING]
1409
01:00:09,910 --> 01:00:10,845
[IN RUSSIAN]
1410
01:00:11,979 --> 01:00:13,882
[GURGLING]
1411
01:00:15,215 --> 01:00:17,751
Oh, my God.
1412
01:00:17,886 --> 01:00:19,219
She cut his throat, Dad.
1413
01:00:19,353 --> 01:00:20,587
Oh, no, don't touch it.
It's bad.
1414
01:00:20,721 --> 01:00:22,790
Oh, why is he touching it?
1415
01:00:22,923 --> 01:00:23,957
Oh, no.
1416
01:00:24,091 --> 01:00:25,626
Why are you smiling?
1417
01:00:25,759 --> 01:00:27,294
Stop. Stop right there. Stop.
1418
01:00:27,428 --> 01:00:29,463
What am I supposed to do, Dad?
What am I supposed to do?
1419
01:00:29,596 --> 01:00:31,465
Uh, hit him, son.
[GRUNTS]
1420
01:00:33,767 --> 01:00:34,935
[SCREAMS]
1421
01:00:35,068 --> 01:00:37,104
Oh, my God, Dad,
I'm inside him!
1422
01:00:37,237 --> 01:00:38,305
Oh, my God!
1423
01:00:38,439 --> 01:00:39,908
[STRAINING]
[SCREAMING]
1424
01:00:41,375 --> 01:00:42,976
Let go of my arm!
I'll try to get it out!
1425
01:00:43,110 --> 01:00:45,312
He's so warm!
1426
01:00:45,446 --> 01:00:46,346
No, no, no, no, no!
1427
01:00:46,480 --> 01:00:47,816
God!
1428
01:00:47,948 --> 01:00:48,949
[SCREAMS]
1429
01:00:49,082 --> 01:00:50,083
[BOTH STRAINING]
1430
01:00:52,052 --> 01:00:54,655
God! Help me let go!
1431
01:00:54,788 --> 01:00:56,623
God! You're, like,
fisting his neck.
1432
01:00:56,757 --> 01:00:57,926
Help me!
1433
01:00:58,091 --> 01:01:00,093
Son of a bitch! God!
1434
01:01:00,227 --> 01:01:02,162
It's like a pickle jar.
Just let go of the pickle.
1435
01:01:02,296 --> 01:01:04,398
Damn it, Dad.
It's nothing like a pickle jar!
1436
01:01:04,531 --> 01:01:06,099
Oh, shit!
[TRAIN BELL CLANGING]
1437
01:01:06,233 --> 01:01:07,801
Incoming!
1438
01:01:07,936 --> 01:01:10,337
Pull, pull, pull, pull,
pull, pull, pull, pull!
1439
01:01:13,307 --> 01:01:15,676
[BOTH SCREAMING]
1440
01:01:15,810 --> 01:01:17,077
Oh, my God!
1441
01:01:17,211 --> 01:01:20,013
Get it off! Get it off me!
Get it off me!
1442
01:01:20,147 --> 01:01:22,149
[STAMMERS]
No, not that-that way!
The other way!
1443
01:01:22,282 --> 01:01:24,184
[IRINA AND BERT YELLING]
1444
01:01:26,153 --> 01:01:29,456
Hey, were you saying
"pull" or "pole"?
1445
01:01:29,590 --> 01:01:32,426
Does it really
fucking matter, Dad?!
1446
01:01:32,559 --> 01:01:34,394
Why did he say
he had permission to kill us?
1447
01:01:34,528 --> 01:01:36,363
[PANTING]
1448
01:01:36,497 --> 01:01:38,532
I know where we
can find out.
1449
01:01:38,665 --> 01:01:42,302
[LAUGHTER, LIVELY CHATTER]
1450
01:01:42,436 --> 01:01:44,973
Uh, hello. Can I have
your attention, please?
1451
01:01:45,105 --> 01:01:46,473
[CHATTER QUIETS]
We're here looking for
1452
01:01:46,607 --> 01:01:49,309
whoever sent that large,
bald man
1453
01:01:49,443 --> 01:01:51,311
to kill me and my son.
1454
01:01:51,445 --> 01:01:53,180
BERT:
Dad. Hey, Dad.
1455
01:01:53,313 --> 01:01:54,481
Dad.
1456
01:01:54,615 --> 01:01:56,049
Maybe ease up
on the Russian mafia, okay?
1457
01:01:56,183 --> 01:01:57,819
[♪♪♪]
1458
01:02:05,325 --> 01:02:06,727
IRINA: Alexei.
Hmm.
1459
01:02:06,861 --> 01:02:08,362
It is so nice
to see you, sister.
1460
01:02:08,495 --> 01:02:10,832
You have another brother?
Mm.
1461
01:02:10,965 --> 01:02:13,500
ALEXEI:
Da. Three of us. Now two.
1462
01:02:13,634 --> 01:02:16,203
But thank you for killing him.
1463
01:02:16,336 --> 01:02:18,038
He was pain in ass.
1464
01:02:19,339 --> 01:02:21,542
And very stupid.
1465
01:02:21,675 --> 01:02:24,077
You have the meanest family
of all time.
1466
01:02:24,211 --> 01:02:26,480
Kind of you to say,
Machine.
1467
01:02:26,613 --> 01:02:28,048
[SNIFFS]
1468
01:02:28,181 --> 01:02:30,751
I can't agree with your methods
or your business model,
1469
01:02:30,885 --> 01:02:33,086
but it warms my heart
to see a son
1470
01:02:33,220 --> 01:02:35,722
willing to take on
his father's legacy.
1471
01:02:35,857 --> 01:02:38,725
Albert, Machine's father.
1472
01:02:38,860 --> 01:02:40,561
[CHUCKLES]
1473
01:02:40,694 --> 01:02:42,129
Oh, sister.
1474
01:02:42,262 --> 01:02:45,033
I intend to bring our father
the watch Machine stole.
1475
01:02:45,165 --> 01:02:46,800
It is over.
1476
01:02:46,935 --> 01:02:48,735
Give me Machine.
1477
01:02:48,870 --> 01:02:50,604
Machine leads me to watch.
1478
01:02:50,737 --> 01:02:52,072
I win.
1479
01:02:52,205 --> 01:02:54,608
All right. You win.
1480
01:02:54,741 --> 01:02:56,109
You get the watch.
1481
01:02:57,344 --> 01:02:58,478
It is here?
1482
01:02:58,612 --> 01:03:00,314
BERT:
Oh, yeah. It is here.
1483
01:03:01,448 --> 01:03:02,416
In this room.
1484
01:03:02,549 --> 01:03:04,217
[BANDITTI LAUGHING]
1485
01:03:04,351 --> 01:03:07,120
We don't have it.
We came to collect it.
1486
01:03:09,156 --> 01:03:10,223
[BANDITTI LAUGHING]
1487
01:03:10,357 --> 01:03:11,625
From him.
1488
01:03:11,758 --> 01:03:13,093
Keyser Söze.
1489
01:03:14,227 --> 01:03:15,729
ALEXEI:
Keyser Söze?
1490
01:03:15,863 --> 01:03:17,197
Yeah, he has it.
1491
01:03:17,331 --> 01:03:18,365
Go ahead, give it to him.
1492
01:03:18,498 --> 01:03:19,766
[IN RUSSIAN]
1493
01:03:19,901 --> 01:03:20,868
[ALEXEI SPEAKS RUSSIAN]
1494
01:03:21,002 --> 01:03:22,469
BERT:
Yep, it's his now.
1495
01:03:22,603 --> 01:03:24,538
I'm out of the equation.
1496
01:03:24,671 --> 01:03:27,041
[BANDITTI AND ALEXEI
CONVERSING IN RUSSIAN]
1497
01:03:31,079 --> 01:03:32,713
[ALL SHOUTING]
1498
01:03:34,581 --> 01:03:35,782
Where are we going?
1499
01:03:35,917 --> 01:03:37,284
You're gonna get us
all killed!
1500
01:03:37,417 --> 01:03:38,685
Shut up and run.
1501
01:03:40,721 --> 01:03:42,090
There we go.
1502
01:03:45,525 --> 01:03:47,427
[♪♪♪]
1503
01:03:52,834 --> 01:03:54,368
IRINA:
Fuck!
1504
01:03:55,669 --> 01:03:58,171
[ALEXEI CLICKING TONGUE]
1505
01:03:58,305 --> 01:03:59,941
You made me chase you.
1506
01:04:02,944 --> 01:04:04,045
Not nice.
1507
01:04:06,480 --> 01:04:08,281
You think you're so cool.
1508
01:04:08,415 --> 01:04:13,253
Sister, do you really think
you'd take over family?
1509
01:04:14,721 --> 01:04:15,957
Why?
1510
01:04:17,157 --> 01:04:18,860
I'm strong. I'm smart.
1511
01:04:18,993 --> 01:04:21,294
Please. You are a woman.
1512
01:04:23,097 --> 01:04:25,432
The world is changing.
1513
01:04:25,565 --> 01:04:27,467
Even for our family.
1514
01:04:27,601 --> 01:04:30,872
Father and I,
we laugh about your delusions.
1515
01:04:34,108 --> 01:04:37,310
You and Father
always underestimate me.
1516
01:04:39,147 --> 01:04:40,547
But you know what?
1517
01:04:41,883 --> 01:04:43,985
I deserve to be treated
as an equal.
1518
01:04:45,119 --> 01:04:46,486
Agreed.
1519
01:04:49,623 --> 01:04:50,892
[GASPS]
1520
01:04:52,860 --> 01:04:53,995
[GRUNTS]
1521
01:05:05,807 --> 01:05:07,175
ALEXEI: Hey.
Jesus.
1522
01:05:07,307 --> 01:05:08,943
I like this feminism thing.
1523
01:05:09,077 --> 01:05:13,480
And if you don't want me
to kill your father next,
1524
01:05:13,613 --> 01:05:15,382
you will take me to the watch.
1525
01:05:15,515 --> 01:05:16,851
BERT:
All right. Stop, stop,
stop, stop.
1526
01:05:16,984 --> 01:05:18,418
[STAMMERS]
I'm gonna do whatever you want.
1527
01:05:18,552 --> 01:05:20,654
Don't hurt my father, okay?
Give me a second.
1528
01:05:20,787 --> 01:05:22,756
Dad. Dad, Dad, Dad.
Listen to me. Listen to me.
1529
01:05:22,890 --> 01:05:24,058
We're gonna be fine.
We're gonna be a team.
1530
01:05:24,192 --> 01:05:25,927
Dad, listen to me
right now, okay?
1531
01:05:26,060 --> 01:05:27,694
"Butch Cassidy and Sundance."
"Butch Cassidy and Sundance."
1532
01:05:27,829 --> 01:05:28,695
End of the movie, Dad.
Waterfall.
1533
01:05:28,830 --> 01:05:29,696
We're gonna waterfall.
1534
01:05:29,831 --> 01:05:30,764
Waterfall.
Enough.
1535
01:05:33,400 --> 01:05:35,169
This is for your own good.
1536
01:05:37,237 --> 01:05:38,873
[GASPS]
1537
01:05:39,006 --> 01:05:41,142
[♪♪♪]
1538
01:05:42,275 --> 01:05:44,578
Dad...!
1539
01:05:48,082 --> 01:05:49,449
[GRUNTS, GASPS]
1540
01:05:49,583 --> 01:05:51,485
[TRAIN HORN BLOWS]
1541
01:05:57,390 --> 01:06:00,293
My son is a moron.
You were wasting your time.
1542
01:06:00,427 --> 01:06:02,496
I'll help find your watch.
1543
01:06:02,629 --> 01:06:06,566
But only if you promise
to keep my granddaughter safe.
1544
01:06:09,736 --> 01:06:10,905
[ALEXEI CHUCKLES]
1545
01:06:13,040 --> 01:06:15,742
You are a very good father.
1546
01:06:26,254 --> 01:06:27,654
[DISTORTED SIREN WAILING]
1547
01:06:27,788 --> 01:06:29,090
SASHA [DISTORTED]:
A cop pulled us over.
1548
01:06:29,223 --> 01:06:30,791
Dad, there's a cop.
1549
01:06:30,925 --> 01:06:33,760
Officer, no, I-I don't have
a driver's license.
1550
01:06:33,895 --> 01:06:35,830
My dad's in the backseat.
[BERT MUMBLING]
1551
01:06:35,963 --> 01:06:38,298
Dad, stop. Shit, Dad.
1552
01:06:38,431 --> 01:06:39,566
Dad, wake up.
1553
01:06:41,601 --> 01:06:42,569
[GROANS]
1554
01:06:43,637 --> 01:06:44,872
[PAINED GROANING]
1555
01:06:45,006 --> 01:06:46,773
Oh, God.
1556
01:06:46,908 --> 01:06:48,209
[GROANS]
1557
01:06:51,411 --> 01:06:52,847
Oh, shit.
1558
01:06:53,948 --> 01:06:56,217
[PAINED GROANING]
1559
01:06:56,349 --> 01:06:58,986
Son of a bitch.
1560
01:06:59,120 --> 01:07:00,487
[GROANS]
1561
01:07:07,761 --> 01:07:10,198
Hello!
1562
01:07:10,330 --> 01:07:12,666
Fucking Dad.
1563
01:07:12,799 --> 01:07:14,969
I'm tired.
1564
01:07:15,102 --> 01:07:18,471
I'm sore. I'm hungry.
1565
01:07:18,605 --> 01:07:20,107
I'm hungry.
1566
01:07:22,776 --> 01:07:23,878
[GASPS]
1567
01:07:24,011 --> 01:07:26,280
[EXHALES HEAVILY]
1568
01:07:26,413 --> 01:07:27,882
Thank you, Ash.
1569
01:07:33,921 --> 01:07:35,823
[DISTORTED BIRD CALLS]
1570
01:07:36,924 --> 01:07:38,826
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY]
1571
01:07:48,002 --> 01:07:50,905
[ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES OVER
SPEAKER WITH LYRICS IN RUSSIAN]
1572
01:07:51,038 --> 01:07:52,572
Wait.
1573
01:07:53,707 --> 01:07:54,876
Hey.
1574
01:07:55,009 --> 01:07:56,210
Is my daughter okay?
1575
01:07:56,344 --> 01:07:58,246
No.
1576
01:07:58,378 --> 01:07:59,881
[WHIMPERS]
1577
01:08:00,014 --> 01:08:02,350
ALBERT [VOICE-OVER, ECHOING]:
My son is a moron.
1578
01:08:04,751 --> 01:08:06,620
YOUNG BERT:
Hey, what's up, sleepyhead?
1579
01:08:06,753 --> 01:08:09,123
What's this thing?
It's a mace.
1580
01:08:09,257 --> 01:08:11,192
The fuck are you doing here?
1581
01:08:11,325 --> 01:08:13,895
Oh, I'm not here.
You're just really high.
1582
01:08:16,563 --> 01:08:17,999
I am really high.
1583
01:08:18,132 --> 01:08:20,034
[INSECTS CHIRPING]
1584
01:08:22,569 --> 01:08:25,072
God, I came to Russia
to become a man.
1585
01:08:25,206 --> 01:08:27,041
All I became was
an asshole criminal.
1586
01:08:27,174 --> 01:08:30,044
Yeah. You're gonna
hang on to that for a while.
1587
01:08:30,177 --> 01:08:32,679
A lot of it, all the shit
that happened on the train.
1588
01:08:32,813 --> 01:08:36,050
But, hey,
that shirtless idiot thing?
1589
01:08:36,183 --> 01:08:37,084
[CHUCKLES]
1590
01:08:37,218 --> 01:08:38,518
It pays off big-time.
1591
01:08:38,652 --> 01:08:39,854
Really?
Oh, yeah.
1592
01:08:39,987 --> 01:08:41,389
Yeah?
Oh, dude.
1593
01:08:41,521 --> 01:08:45,126
This trip to Russia
sets you on a path.
1594
01:08:45,259 --> 01:08:47,228
You, my friend, are great
at making people laugh.
1595
01:08:47,361 --> 01:08:49,964
Thanks, man.
Huh.
1596
01:08:50,097 --> 01:08:52,432
I am gonna be okay.
Yeah.
1597
01:08:52,565 --> 01:08:54,268
And then your wife's
gonna put you in therapy.
1598
01:08:54,402 --> 01:08:55,403
Whoa, whoa.
1599
01:08:55,535 --> 01:08:56,603
We're married?
Oh, yeah.
1600
01:08:56,736 --> 01:08:57,905
Is she hot?
1601
01:08:58,039 --> 01:09:00,241
I mean, yeah.
Wait, what do you mean?
1602
01:09:00,374 --> 01:09:02,109
I mean, I think she's hot.
I think she's hot.
1603
01:09:02,243 --> 01:09:03,743
I mean, she's 50.
1604
01:09:06,047 --> 01:09:08,349
You married a 50-year-old?
1605
01:09:08,481 --> 01:09:09,683
Dude, what the fuck?
1606
01:09:09,817 --> 01:09:11,118
I thought you said
we were gonna be okay.
1607
01:09:11,252 --> 01:09:12,652
No, I forgot how dumb I am.
1608
01:09:12,786 --> 01:09:14,088
We married her when she was 30.
And she was a smoke--
1609
01:09:14,221 --> 01:09:15,522
She still is a smoke show.
[GROANS]
1610
01:09:15,655 --> 01:09:17,425
She's hot as shit, okay?
Okay.
1611
01:09:17,557 --> 01:09:19,693
Don't make me defend our wife.
[GRUNTS]
1612
01:09:19,827 --> 01:09:20,828
She's a great mom.
1613
01:09:20,962 --> 01:09:22,897
Whoa. We got kids?
1614
01:09:23,030 --> 01:09:24,098
Yeah.
Boys?
1615
01:09:24,231 --> 01:09:25,632
Mm.
Ah, I knew we'd have boys.
1616
01:09:25,765 --> 01:09:27,068
I always wanted
to have boys.
1617
01:09:27,201 --> 01:09:28,568
Look at us.
1618
01:09:28,702 --> 01:09:32,672
Both of us
just figuring ourselves out.
1619
01:09:32,807 --> 01:09:33,975
[YOUNG BERT SIGHS]
1620
01:09:34,108 --> 01:09:35,443
Well, I am.
1621
01:09:35,575 --> 01:09:37,812
You're still pretty lost.
1622
01:09:37,945 --> 01:09:40,314
I mean, you're literally lost
in a forest.
1623
01:09:40,448 --> 01:09:41,748
High on a pot brownie.
1624
01:09:41,882 --> 01:09:44,285
'Cause your dad
kicked you off a train.
1625
01:09:44,418 --> 01:09:45,618
Because he hates you.
1626
01:09:45,752 --> 01:09:47,822
Because you can't save
your own daughter,
1627
01:09:47,955 --> 01:09:49,023
who hates you.
1628
01:09:49,156 --> 01:09:50,358
Now your wife's gonna hate you.
1629
01:09:50,490 --> 01:09:52,026
Your whole family
pretty much hates you.
1630
01:09:52,159 --> 01:09:54,362
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
I know this. I know this.
1631
01:09:54,494 --> 01:09:56,663
Why are you doing this to me?
'Cause I'm trying to save you.
1632
01:09:56,796 --> 01:09:57,999
You're about to get shot.
1633
01:09:59,467 --> 01:10:00,700
How so?
1634
01:10:00,835 --> 01:10:03,636
[DISTORTED]:
You're about to get shot.
1635
01:10:03,770 --> 01:10:06,307
Meaning what?
1636
01:10:06,440 --> 01:10:07,408
You're under fire.
1637
01:10:08,541 --> 01:10:10,378
[GUNFIRE]
[SCREAMING]
1638
01:10:14,181 --> 01:10:15,582
[SCREAMING]
1639
01:10:18,386 --> 01:10:19,519
[SCREAMING]
1640
01:10:19,652 --> 01:10:21,554
[GRUNTING]
1641
01:10:21,688 --> 01:10:23,124
Fuck! God!
1642
01:10:23,257 --> 01:10:24,959
Oh, my God!
1643
01:10:26,693 --> 01:10:28,062
Fuck.
1644
01:10:36,303 --> 01:10:37,737
[GROANS]
1645
01:10:46,847 --> 01:10:47,982
Bert?
1646
01:10:48,983 --> 01:10:50,151
Igor?
1647
01:10:54,055 --> 01:10:56,023
Bert.
Igor!
1648
01:10:56,157 --> 01:10:57,124
[BERT LAUGHS]
1649
01:10:57,258 --> 01:10:59,093
Machina!
Igor! [LAUGHING]
1650
01:10:59,226 --> 01:11:01,694
You look like a big bear.
I mean, what?
1651
01:11:01,829 --> 01:11:03,797
Oh! God.
[LAUGHING]
1652
01:11:03,931 --> 01:11:06,100
My friend, you are here.
1653
01:11:06,233 --> 01:11:08,735
I can't believe you're alive.
Oh, shit. It's good to see you.
1654
01:11:08,869 --> 01:11:10,770
[LAUGHING]
1655
01:11:14,108 --> 01:11:15,443
Do you have any snacks?
1656
01:11:15,575 --> 01:11:17,478
[FOLK MUSIC PLAYING
OVER STEREO]
1657
01:11:19,180 --> 01:11:20,613
This is my home.
1658
01:11:20,747 --> 01:11:22,615
For years now.
1659
01:11:22,749 --> 01:11:23,918
BERT:
Nice. It's kind of
like West Virginia.
1660
01:11:24,051 --> 01:11:25,286
IGOR: Yeah. West Vagina.
[HORN HONKS]
1661
01:11:25,419 --> 01:11:28,255
MAN:
Igor! Deuces.
1662
01:11:28,389 --> 01:11:29,756
BERT:
That's uncircumcised.
1663
01:11:29,890 --> 01:11:30,958
[IGOR AND BERT LAUGHING]
1664
01:11:31,092 --> 01:11:32,526
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
Oh.
1665
01:11:32,692 --> 01:11:34,028
You almost hit that guy, Igor.
Yeah.
1666
01:11:34,161 --> 01:11:35,695
[HORN HONKS]
[IGOR LAUGHS]
1667
01:11:35,830 --> 01:11:37,031
It's a tradition here.
1668
01:11:37,164 --> 01:11:39,533
Ah, look at this.
1669
01:11:39,666 --> 01:11:41,368
This is it.
1670
01:11:41,502 --> 01:11:42,870
BERT: This is your house?
Yeah.
1671
01:11:43,003 --> 01:11:44,905
[KIDS LAUGHING,
CHATTERING EXCITEDLY]
1672
01:11:46,706 --> 01:11:48,375
IGOR:
Hey, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
1673
01:11:48,509 --> 01:11:50,244
Holy shit.
[LAUGHING]
1674
01:11:50,377 --> 01:11:51,744
Oh!
1675
01:11:51,879 --> 01:11:53,047
Wait, are these all your kids?
1676
01:11:53,180 --> 01:11:55,782
Yeah, uh, this is
most of my kids.
1677
01:11:55,916 --> 01:11:57,818
Oh, my God.
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN EXCITEDLY]
1678
01:11:59,954 --> 01:12:01,489
Jesus, you know
you can pull out, right?
1679
01:12:01,621 --> 01:12:03,958
Yes, but my dick is little bit
longer, so I'm like...
1680
01:12:04,091 --> 01:12:06,160
[GRUNTS]
Oh, like a,
like a, like a magician.
1681
01:12:06,293 --> 01:12:08,795
Magician! [LAUGHS] Yeah.
With the scarves! [LAUGHS]
1682
01:12:08,929 --> 01:12:10,931
Hey.
I missed you.
1683
01:12:11,065 --> 01:12:13,934
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
1684
01:12:14,068 --> 01:12:15,870
...Machina!
[BERT GRUNTS, LAUGHS]
1685
01:12:16,003 --> 01:12:17,872
Hey! Yeah!
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
1686
01:12:18,005 --> 01:12:19,340
Oh, Machina!
Yeah!
1687
01:12:19,473 --> 01:12:21,375
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN EXCITEDLY]
[LAUGHS]
1688
01:12:23,110 --> 01:12:24,445
Uh-huh.
1689
01:12:24,578 --> 01:12:26,614
[CONTINUES SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
Huh?
1690
01:12:27,714 --> 01:12:29,183
[GRUNTS]
Igor.
1691
01:12:29,316 --> 01:12:31,452
Igor, Igor.
[IGOR CHUCKLING,
SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
1692
01:12:33,554 --> 01:12:36,991
My wife, she's a big fan
of you, Machine.
1693
01:12:37,124 --> 01:12:38,791
Oh.
Many in village are.
1694
01:12:38,926 --> 01:12:40,361
They listen
to your podcast.
1695
01:12:40,494 --> 01:12:42,363
Why no new episodes?
1696
01:12:42,496 --> 01:12:44,298
[IN RUSSIAN]
1697
01:12:44,431 --> 01:12:46,333
[IN RUSSIAN]
1698
01:12:49,937 --> 01:12:51,839
[IN RUSSIAN]
1699
01:12:59,446 --> 01:13:01,215
She find whore.
What?
1700
01:13:01,348 --> 01:13:04,185
[WOMAN SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
1701
01:13:04,318 --> 01:13:06,220
[PEOPLE MURMURING]
1702
01:13:10,558 --> 01:13:11,659
Holy shit!
1703
01:13:11,791 --> 01:13:13,427
Irina! You're alive!
1704
01:13:13,561 --> 01:13:15,930
[LAUGHING]:
How the fuck
are you still alive?
1705
01:13:16,063 --> 01:13:18,432
Goddamn it. Oh, my God!
1706
01:13:18,566 --> 01:13:20,534
Would you like to buy her
for the fucking?
1707
01:13:20,668 --> 01:13:22,203
Hmm?
I don't know.
1708
01:13:22,336 --> 01:13:23,404
Eh, what do you think?
How much?
1709
01:13:23,537 --> 01:13:24,438
[LAUGHS]
[GRUNTS]
1710
01:13:24,572 --> 01:13:25,940
More than you have.
1711
01:13:26,073 --> 01:13:27,975
I don't know, maybe--
1712
01:13:28,108 --> 01:13:30,044
Oh, my God!
What happened to your leg?
1713
01:13:30,177 --> 01:13:31,478
Oh, that looks bad.
1714
01:13:31,612 --> 01:13:33,581
Here, tell me if you feel this.
1715
01:13:33,713 --> 01:13:34,747
[IRINA AND BERT SCREAM]
1716
01:13:34,882 --> 01:13:37,051
Igor! Help! I know this whore!
1717
01:13:37,184 --> 01:13:38,352
Let's get her in your house!
1718
01:13:38,485 --> 01:13:39,719
Here.
Igor, do you have
1719
01:13:39,853 --> 01:13:41,255
any hydrogen peroxide?
1720
01:13:41,388 --> 01:13:44,391
Uh, no, but we have
many kind of animal spit.
1721
01:13:44,525 --> 01:13:45,926
Okay, well, here you go.
IRINA: Fuck! [SCREAMING]
1722
01:13:46,060 --> 01:13:47,094
Okay, you're fine.
1723
01:13:47,228 --> 01:13:48,529
No, no, no. We're good.
Fuck!
1724
01:13:48,662 --> 01:13:49,830
Just get me something
to dress it with.
1725
01:13:49,964 --> 01:13:52,499
[IRINA GROANING]
I gotta get this boot off.
1726
01:13:52,633 --> 01:13:55,202
[GROANS] Okay.
Okay.
1727
01:13:55,336 --> 01:13:57,037
Okay, here we go.
Wait, wait, be careful.
1728
01:13:58,205 --> 01:13:59,707
BERT: All right.
[IRINA GROANING]
1729
01:13:59,840 --> 01:14:01,275
Oh, it's pretty bad.
1730
01:14:01,408 --> 01:14:02,876
Okay.
1731
01:14:03,010 --> 01:14:04,044
[RETCHING]
1732
01:14:04,178 --> 01:14:06,247
Oh, is it bad?
It's not that bad.
1733
01:14:06,380 --> 01:14:07,481
Is it that bad?
It's not that bad.
1734
01:14:07,615 --> 01:14:08,781
IRINA: Oh, fuck!
I just can't look at it.
1735
01:14:08,916 --> 01:14:10,417
[RETCHING]
1736
01:14:10,551 --> 01:14:11,719
[SCREAMS]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
1737
01:14:11,852 --> 01:14:13,287
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Fuck!
1738
01:14:13,420 --> 01:14:14,989
It's fine. It's fine.
1739
01:14:15,122 --> 01:14:17,491
Did you just put it
in your pocket?
1740
01:14:17,625 --> 01:14:19,059
I didn't know where to put it.
[GROANING]
1741
01:14:19,193 --> 01:14:21,061
Oh, I'm gonna be sick now.
Oh, fuck!
[SOBBING]
1742
01:14:21,195 --> 01:14:22,496
Don't you throw up,
'cause if you throw up,
1743
01:14:22,630 --> 01:14:24,164
I'm gonna throw up.
[WHIMPERING]
1744
01:14:24,298 --> 01:14:25,666
Don't throw up.
Don't throw up.
1745
01:14:25,798 --> 01:14:26,967
Please don't throw up.
Please don't throw up.
1746
01:14:27,101 --> 01:14:28,569
I won't throw up.
You don't throw up.
1747
01:14:28,702 --> 01:14:30,004
I won't throw up
if you don't throw up.
1748
01:14:30,137 --> 01:14:31,739
I'll trust you. Okay.
Deal.
1749
01:14:31,872 --> 01:14:35,075
Oh, God. Okay. [GRUNTS]
1750
01:14:35,209 --> 01:14:36,477
Ah! Just do something about it!
1751
01:14:36,610 --> 01:14:37,745
I don't think I can do this.
1752
01:14:37,878 --> 01:14:39,947
Oh!
Give me a pep talk.
1753
01:14:40,080 --> 01:14:41,482
Just pull it out.
Okay.
1754
01:14:41,615 --> 01:14:42,549
You can do it.
1755
01:14:42,683 --> 01:14:43,584
I can do it?
You can do it.
1756
01:14:43,717 --> 01:14:44,985
Just pull it out. Okay?
1757
01:14:45,119 --> 01:14:46,720
One, two...
Three, two...
1758
01:14:46,854 --> 01:14:47,888
No, wait. No, wait. [STAMMERS]
1759
01:14:48,022 --> 01:14:50,958
Three! Two! One!
Three! Two! One!
1760
01:14:51,091 --> 01:14:52,993
[BOTH SCREAMING]
1761
01:14:56,130 --> 01:14:58,432
I did it! I did it!
1762
01:14:58,565 --> 01:15:01,235
You're not gonna...
[GROANS]
1763
01:15:04,104 --> 01:15:06,540
[INSECTS CHIRPING]
1764
01:15:06,674 --> 01:15:08,475
[LAUGHTER]
1765
01:15:08,609 --> 01:15:10,678
BERT:
So, anyway, I shoot the dude,
1766
01:15:10,811 --> 01:15:13,113
he shoots another dude,
dude shoots another dude.
1767
01:15:13,247 --> 01:15:16,283
Three dudes, one-- four--
three... three bullets.
1768
01:15:16,417 --> 01:15:17,518
[LAUGHTER]
IRINA: It was top ten
1769
01:15:17,651 --> 01:15:19,386
all-time kills for me.
Hell yeah!
1770
01:15:19,520 --> 01:15:20,988
Yeah. Oh, is this...
[LAUGHING]
1771
01:15:21,121 --> 01:15:22,623
Are we high-fiving a murder?
[LAUGHTER]
1772
01:15:22,756 --> 01:15:23,857
Yeah.
1773
01:15:23,991 --> 01:15:26,126
Hey, uh, where is
your father now?
1774
01:15:26,260 --> 01:15:27,728
Who the fuck knows?
Ah. [LAUGHS]
1775
01:15:27,861 --> 01:15:28,996
Let me tell you
something.
1776
01:15:29,129 --> 01:15:30,364
If he is alive,
I'm fucking killing him.
1777
01:15:30,497 --> 01:15:32,666
IGOR:
Oh. [LAUGHING]
1778
01:15:32,800 --> 01:15:34,668
Hey, Igor,
what brought you here?
1779
01:15:34,802 --> 01:15:36,670
Hey, thanks to you, Bert.
1780
01:15:36,804 --> 01:15:38,339
Me?
Yeah.
1781
01:15:38,472 --> 01:15:39,440
What?
1782
01:15:39,573 --> 01:15:41,642
When I saw how you find joy
1783
01:15:41,775 --> 01:15:44,678
in every moment,
it make me think,
1784
01:15:44,813 --> 01:15:46,447
"Mafia is dangerous."
1785
01:15:46,580 --> 01:15:49,049
[IRINA SIGHS]
[CHUCKLES] Not easy life.
1786
01:15:49,183 --> 01:15:54,688
And one day, as I strangle man
for not paying me for...
1787
01:15:54,823 --> 01:15:56,156
ah, wh-whatever,
1788
01:15:56,290 --> 01:15:58,392
I remember something you say.
1789
01:15:58,525 --> 01:15:59,660
What?
You told me
1790
01:15:59,793 --> 01:16:02,896
most important thing in life,
1791
01:16:03,030 --> 01:16:04,865
it is to find your smile.
1792
01:16:04,998 --> 01:16:07,167
Oh.
[GRUNTS]
1793
01:16:07,301 --> 01:16:09,436
[CHUCKLES] Igor.
Huh?
1794
01:16:09,570 --> 01:16:12,206
I stole that from
"City Slickers."
1795
01:16:12,339 --> 01:16:13,774
Billy Crystal? 1980s?
1796
01:16:13,907 --> 01:16:15,175
Cowboys? Nothing?
[LAUGHING]
1797
01:16:15,309 --> 01:16:17,611
His whole deal
is stealing shit.
1798
01:16:17,745 --> 01:16:19,246
BERT:
Back then, Irina. Okay?
1799
01:16:19,380 --> 01:16:21,248
Hey, I just left.
1800
01:16:21,382 --> 01:16:22,883
It was my choice.
1801
01:16:23,016 --> 01:16:24,251
My smile.
1802
01:16:24,385 --> 01:16:26,620
Mafia was not my smile.
1803
01:16:26,754 --> 01:16:29,824
This was.
Children, family, Sonia.
1804
01:16:29,957 --> 01:16:31,024
In mafia,
1805
01:16:31,158 --> 01:16:33,594
[CLICKS TONGUE]
I would have died.
1806
01:16:33,727 --> 01:16:35,996
But I have this,
thanks to you, Bert.
1807
01:16:36,130 --> 01:16:38,031
You saved my life.
1808
01:16:41,735 --> 01:16:43,003
Good for you, Igor.
1809
01:16:44,571 --> 01:16:46,673
Hey, at least I didn't ruin
his life, right?
1810
01:16:50,879 --> 01:16:51,945
IRINA [WHISPERING]:
Bert?
1811
01:16:52,079 --> 01:16:53,447
[KIDS LAUGHING QUIETLY]
1812
01:16:53,580 --> 01:16:55,115
[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]
1813
01:16:57,418 --> 01:16:58,519
Bert?
1814
01:17:02,356 --> 01:17:04,625
Hey. Are you asleep?
1815
01:17:04,758 --> 01:17:06,828
Yeah.
1816
01:17:06,994 --> 01:17:08,162
What is this thing you did
1817
01:17:08,295 --> 01:17:10,230
that made your daughter
hate you?
1818
01:17:15,436 --> 01:17:16,603
All right.
1819
01:17:18,807 --> 01:17:22,943
So, me and my big fat friend
Tom were doing a podcast,
1820
01:17:23,076 --> 01:17:25,646
and we get accidentally
very fucked-up.
1821
01:17:27,214 --> 01:17:29,349
That's not so bad.
Wait for it.
1822
01:17:29,483 --> 01:17:32,586
So, Sasha's 15, right?
She's got her learner's permit.
1823
01:17:32,719 --> 01:17:35,656
I'm like, "Hey, come out to me.
1824
01:17:35,789 --> 01:17:38,425
Get my car, drive me home."
Right? Bam, bam.
1825
01:17:40,294 --> 01:17:42,963
You asked your teenage daughter
to drive you home drunk?
1826
01:17:43,096 --> 01:17:44,933
It gets worse, okay?
1827
01:17:45,065 --> 01:17:46,935
She rolls a stop sign.
1828
01:17:47,067 --> 01:17:48,335
Cop pulls her over.
1829
01:17:51,004 --> 01:17:53,006
Turns out,
having a parent in the car
1830
01:17:53,140 --> 01:17:54,641
doesn't count
if the parent's trashed.
1831
01:17:54,775 --> 01:17:55,676
[SIGHS]
1832
01:17:57,110 --> 01:17:58,779
She can't get her license
for two years.
1833
01:17:58,913 --> 01:18:01,048
I got a misdemeanor.
It was awful.
1834
01:18:01,181 --> 01:18:04,318
Well, if that's everything,
that's not so bad.
1835
01:18:04,451 --> 01:18:07,554
I wish that was the worst thing
my father ever did to me.
1836
01:18:07,688 --> 01:18:09,456
It almost sounds nice.
1837
01:18:11,992 --> 01:18:15,429
Four minutes before I passed
out, I started a live stream.
1838
01:18:15,562 --> 01:18:17,664
And I live streamed
the entire event.
1839
01:18:17,798 --> 01:18:20,100
It immediately went viral.
1840
01:18:21,435 --> 01:18:23,270
Next weekend was Father's Day.
1841
01:18:25,305 --> 01:18:27,541
She was so mad.
1842
01:18:27,674 --> 01:18:28,877
[BERT SCOFFS]
1843
01:18:29,009 --> 01:18:31,044
Oh, God, she didn't
talk to me for a month.
1844
01:18:33,113 --> 01:18:35,015
It was a wake-up call.
1845
01:18:37,084 --> 01:18:38,987
[SNIFFLING, CRYING SOFTLY]
1846
01:18:41,823 --> 01:18:44,491
I've been this party guy
for so long,
1847
01:18:44,625 --> 01:18:47,060
I don't even know
who I am anymore.
1848
01:18:51,098 --> 01:18:55,636
Then maybe you're not
supposed to be only Bert.
1849
01:18:57,671 --> 01:18:59,139
Huh?
1850
01:18:59,273 --> 01:19:01,976
Look what you did for Igor.
1851
01:19:02,109 --> 01:19:05,212
Your stupid drunk talk,
it-it saved his life.
1852
01:19:07,114 --> 01:19:08,415
I don't follow.
1853
01:19:11,685 --> 01:19:15,088
We do not grow by
destroying part of ourselves.
1854
01:19:15,222 --> 01:19:19,027
We grow by finding a balance
between parts.
1855
01:19:19,159 --> 01:19:20,394
Balance like Steve Urkel.
1856
01:19:23,764 --> 01:19:25,732
Did you just say "Urkel"?
It's a reference
1857
01:19:25,867 --> 01:19:28,468
to one of my favorite
American television shows.
1858
01:19:28,602 --> 01:19:29,803
"Family Matters."
1859
01:19:29,938 --> 01:19:31,104
You know it?
1860
01:19:31,238 --> 01:19:32,773
Uh, yeah. Wait. But w-wait.
1861
01:19:32,907 --> 01:19:34,308
What the fuck's Urkel
got to do with this?
1862
01:19:34,441 --> 01:19:35,709
Oh.
1863
01:19:35,843 --> 01:19:37,244
In season five,
1864
01:19:37,377 --> 01:19:39,112
Steve Urkel, uh,
takes this potion
1865
01:19:39,246 --> 01:19:41,248
that transforms him
into Stefan Urquelle,
1866
01:19:41,381 --> 01:19:43,317
like, this cool version
of him.
1867
01:19:43,450 --> 01:19:45,719
Everyone starts hating him,
but what does he do?
1868
01:19:45,853 --> 01:19:47,788
He doesn't surrender.
1869
01:19:47,922 --> 01:19:49,423
He improves his formula,
1870
01:19:49,556 --> 01:19:53,293
and in the end,
he gets best of both worlds.
1871
01:19:53,427 --> 01:19:56,463
You are the Machine
and Bert.
1872
01:19:56,597 --> 01:19:58,231
You have both sides.
1873
01:19:58,365 --> 01:20:01,134
But now
you need to balance.
1874
01:20:03,270 --> 01:20:04,671
[GASPS]
1875
01:20:04,806 --> 01:20:05,807
I get it.
1876
01:20:06,941 --> 01:20:09,142
Goddamn it.
1877
01:20:09,276 --> 01:20:11,311
I can't believe
I slept on "Family Matters."
1878
01:20:11,445 --> 01:20:13,014
Oh, you should
definitely watch it.
1879
01:20:13,146 --> 01:20:14,247
It's very good.
1880
01:20:16,951 --> 01:20:17,986
"Did I do that?"
1881
01:20:18,118 --> 01:20:20,054
[GASPS]
He watched it.
1882
01:20:22,056 --> 01:20:24,892
When Communists came,
politburo burned down the church
1883
01:20:25,026 --> 01:20:26,995
and-and build
this factory.
1884
01:20:27,160 --> 01:20:30,263
When the Communists leave,
factory closed.
1885
01:20:30,397 --> 01:20:33,467
When I came to the village,
I helped them build this.
1886
01:20:33,600 --> 01:20:35,602
BERT: You built this?
No, no. Inside.
1887
01:20:41,909 --> 01:20:44,444
I took you here because
building this place,
1888
01:20:44,578 --> 01:20:46,580
feeling closer to God,
1889
01:20:46,713 --> 01:20:49,083
taught me
how to forgive myself.
1890
01:20:49,216 --> 01:20:53,286
You know, for all the bad
things that I did, murders.
1891
01:20:53,420 --> 01:20:56,256
All those years ago,
1892
01:20:56,390 --> 01:20:59,861
why do you think I hooked you
up with the train banditti?
1893
01:20:59,994 --> 01:21:01,762
I don't know.
To show 'em a good time?
1894
01:21:01,896 --> 01:21:03,463
Da. And?
1895
01:21:04,999 --> 01:21:07,869
To keep your class safe.
1896
01:21:08,002 --> 01:21:10,004
Train banditti
are very dangerous.
1897
01:21:10,138 --> 01:21:12,106
They do terrible things
to the passengers.
1898
01:21:12,239 --> 01:21:15,810
I introduced them to Machine
to distract them
1899
01:21:15,943 --> 01:21:18,545
by doing what he always does.
1900
01:21:18,679 --> 01:21:19,713
[SIGHS]
Yeah.
1901
01:21:19,847 --> 01:21:21,648
Well, I robbed
a lot of people, Igor.
1902
01:21:21,782 --> 01:21:23,417
So?
1903
01:21:23,550 --> 01:21:25,719
Was anyone hurt, killed?
1904
01:21:25,853 --> 01:21:28,156
You spit in a girl's face.
You were an asshole.
1905
01:21:28,288 --> 01:21:31,324
But your class, they were safe
1906
01:21:31,458 --> 01:21:34,428
because you did exactly
what you're supposed to do
1907
01:21:34,561 --> 01:21:37,431
by showing them good time,
making them laugh.
1908
01:21:37,564 --> 01:21:39,766
You protected those people.
1909
01:21:39,901 --> 01:21:43,071
That is what a man does.
1910
01:21:43,203 --> 01:21:44,204
[CHUCKLES, SNIFFLES]
1911
01:21:44,337 --> 01:21:45,505
Goddamn it.
1912
01:21:45,639 --> 01:21:49,043
IRINA:
Seems you are a good man, Bert.
1913
01:21:49,177 --> 01:21:51,045
BERT: Thanks, Irina.
[WATCH PLAYING GENTLE MUSIC]
1914
01:21:51,179 --> 01:21:52,779
IGOR [GRUNTS]:
Ah, it's time to feed kids.
1915
01:21:52,914 --> 01:21:54,781
[CHUCKLES]
BERT: Holy shit!
That's the watch!
1916
01:21:54,916 --> 01:21:56,683
[GASPS LOUDLY]
1917
01:21:56,818 --> 01:21:58,019
My father's watch.
1918
01:22:02,756 --> 01:22:04,224
[SPEAKS RUSSIAN]
1919
01:22:04,357 --> 01:22:05,927
How do you
have that?
1920
01:22:06,060 --> 01:22:08,562
Y-You gave it to me
when you left Russia.
1921
01:22:08,695 --> 01:22:11,032
You said it was thank-you
for being a true friend.
1922
01:22:11,165 --> 01:22:13,067
You were very, very drunk.
1923
01:22:13,201 --> 01:22:14,367
[BERT LAUGHING]
1924
01:22:14,501 --> 01:22:15,870
I was embarrassed
taking it,
1925
01:22:16,003 --> 01:22:18,371
but the words were nice,
so I just took it.
1926
01:22:18,505 --> 01:22:21,708
BERT: Sweet, drunk words.
God, yes.
[LAUGHING]
1927
01:22:21,843 --> 01:22:23,211
Let's go, Bert.
Oh.
1928
01:22:23,343 --> 01:22:25,579
I have an empire to claim.
1929
01:22:25,712 --> 01:22:27,748
I would pay to listen
to her talk during sex.
1930
01:22:27,882 --> 01:22:29,382
I would pay
to have sex with her.
1931
01:22:29,516 --> 01:22:31,219
BERT:
Sorry about your bathroom.
1932
01:22:31,351 --> 01:22:33,253
Thank you
for taming the whore.
1933
01:22:33,386 --> 01:22:34,956
No, thank you.
1934
01:22:35,089 --> 01:22:36,623
I'll cherish these.
1935
01:22:36,757 --> 01:22:38,391
The fuck am I supposed
to do with a chicken?
1936
01:22:38,525 --> 01:22:41,863
Hey, Bert.
I need to come clean.
1937
01:22:41,996 --> 01:22:44,798
After train,
I talked to Fedor, and...
1938
01:22:44,932 --> 01:22:47,135
he gave me
what you stole from class.
1939
01:22:47,267 --> 01:22:51,404
Then everyone go back to USA,
so I kept it to remember.
1940
01:22:51,538 --> 01:22:53,573
BERT: Hold on. No way.
Huh? Yeah.
1941
01:22:54,942 --> 01:22:55,943
Dude.
1942
01:22:56,077 --> 01:22:57,778
Hey, take it.
1943
01:22:57,912 --> 01:23:00,714
And go to Moscow
and save your father.
1944
01:23:00,848 --> 01:23:02,083
If he's still alive.
1945
01:23:02,216 --> 01:23:04,284
He may have been
tortured to death.
1946
01:23:05,786 --> 01:23:06,787
I think
she's autistic.
1947
01:23:06,921 --> 01:23:07,922
Yeah.
Yeah.
1948
01:23:08,055 --> 01:23:10,258
Hey, man.
1949
01:23:10,390 --> 01:23:11,558
Thank you for everything,
man.
1950
01:23:11,691 --> 01:23:12,793
No, no, no.
No?
1951
01:23:12,927 --> 01:23:14,262
You've been
a good-luck charm to me.
1952
01:23:14,427 --> 01:23:15,462
My life changed
the day I met you.
Hey.
1953
01:23:15,595 --> 01:23:17,297
Bert, thank you.
No, thank you.
1954
01:23:17,430 --> 01:23:18,398
No, thank you.
No, thank you.
1955
01:23:18,532 --> 01:23:19,800
[BOTH SHOUT]
1956
01:23:19,934 --> 01:23:21,969
God. I'll miss you, brother.
1957
01:23:22,103 --> 01:23:23,770
[KIDS LAUGHING]
1958
01:23:23,905 --> 01:23:26,107
IRINA:
I'm gonna miss
these disgusting poor people.
1959
01:23:27,275 --> 01:23:28,810
So you just think it
and say it.
1960
01:23:28,943 --> 01:23:31,212
You don't stop it at all,
right?
1961
01:23:31,344 --> 01:23:33,446
Yes, basically.
1962
01:23:33,580 --> 01:23:35,782
I've never met someone
like myself before.
Yeah.
1963
01:23:35,917 --> 01:23:41,155
♪ A man ♪
1964
01:23:41,289 --> 01:23:45,159
♪ Has gun ♪
1965
01:23:46,526 --> 01:23:51,299
♪ Hey, man ♪
1966
01:23:51,431 --> 01:23:55,837
♪ Have fun ♪
1967
01:23:57,437 --> 01:24:02,210
♪ Hey, man ♪
1968
01:24:02,342 --> 01:24:06,713
♪ Have fun ♪
1969
01:24:06,848 --> 01:24:08,381
♪ Nice shot. ♪
1970
01:24:08,515 --> 01:24:10,717
[SONG ENDS]
[LAUGHTER]
1971
01:24:10,852 --> 01:24:12,320
ALBERT:
So, I keep having
this recurring dream
1972
01:24:12,452 --> 01:24:14,155
where Dolly Parton
throws me her pick,
1973
01:24:14,288 --> 01:24:16,324
calls me onstage
and wants me to jam with her.
1974
01:24:16,456 --> 01:24:18,592
I'm freakin' shredding, but
my fingers turn into spiders
1975
01:24:18,725 --> 01:24:20,061
and my teeth fall out.
[SNORTS]
1976
01:24:20,194 --> 01:24:21,595
Pretty sure
it's my heart medication
1977
01:24:21,728 --> 01:24:23,231
having a bad reaction
with my sleeping pill.
1978
01:24:23,363 --> 01:24:24,798
[LAUGHS]:
But, hey, it's better
than doing acid
1979
01:24:24,932 --> 01:24:26,300
and kind of the highlight
of my day at this point.
1980
01:24:26,433 --> 01:24:28,368
[LAUGHTER]
It's sad but true.
1981
01:24:28,501 --> 01:24:30,304
What the fuck is
going on in here?
1982
01:24:30,437 --> 01:24:32,206
Oh, hi, son.
1983
01:24:35,442 --> 01:24:36,476
Oh, you two are buds now?
1984
01:24:38,378 --> 01:24:39,679
Dad, why are you
talking all fast
1985
01:24:39,814 --> 01:24:40,915
like you're on speed
or something?
1986
01:24:41,048 --> 01:24:41,983
'Cause I'm on speed.
1987
01:24:42,116 --> 01:24:44,684
And it is so, so, so, so great.
1988
01:24:44,819 --> 01:24:45,987
Oh.
1989
01:24:46,120 --> 01:24:48,421
More drugs. Ooh.
[SNORTS]
1990
01:24:48,555 --> 01:24:51,025
[CHUCKLING, GRUNTING]
1991
01:24:51,158 --> 01:24:52,260
Look at me.
1992
01:24:52,392 --> 01:24:54,362
I'm Molly Parton!
1993
01:24:54,527 --> 01:24:56,563
[LAUGHTER]
1994
01:24:57,697 --> 01:24:59,599
You see what I did there?
1995
01:25:01,035 --> 01:25:03,070
Irina. You're alive.
1996
01:25:03,204 --> 01:25:04,372
Super.
1997
01:25:04,504 --> 01:25:07,008
Yes, asshole, I am alive.
1998
01:25:07,141 --> 01:25:10,912
I brought the Machine,
and I even have the watch.
1999
01:25:11,045 --> 01:25:14,248
So suck my dick.
2000
01:25:14,382 --> 01:25:15,415
SPONGE:
Thanks.
2001
01:25:15,548 --> 01:25:18,551
Fuck you, Sponge!
No, fuck you.
2002
01:25:18,685 --> 01:25:19,753
He pay me.
2003
01:25:19,887 --> 01:25:20,922
[CHUCKLES]
2004
01:25:21,055 --> 01:25:22,390
You hit me.
2005
01:25:22,522 --> 01:25:24,258
I should have left you
in that gulag
2006
01:25:24,392 --> 01:25:27,061
with those doctors
poking and prodding you.
2007
01:25:27,194 --> 01:25:29,830
I would string you up
by your balls.
2008
01:25:29,964 --> 01:25:31,899
[WATCH PLAYING GENTLE MUSIC]
2009
01:25:40,374 --> 01:25:41,976
Machine.
2010
01:25:44,378 --> 01:25:46,314
I must say,
2011
01:25:46,446 --> 01:25:48,682
your dad is so fun.
2012
01:25:48,816 --> 01:25:51,419
He is the original Machine.
[KISSES]
2013
01:25:52,552 --> 01:25:53,921
ALBERT:
I'm the prototype.
2014
01:25:54,055 --> 01:25:56,157
ALEXEI:
He has been partying with us.
2015
01:25:56,290 --> 01:25:58,192
Now, your mom was more of
2016
01:25:58,326 --> 01:26:00,094
a kind of missionary
kind of gal,
2017
01:26:00,227 --> 01:26:02,363
but Annika, oh,
2018
01:26:02,495 --> 01:26:04,999
she's got the cushion
for the Pushkin.
2019
01:26:05,132 --> 01:26:06,000
[LAUGHTER]
2020
01:26:06,133 --> 01:26:08,535
Oh, Dad, please stop.
2021
01:26:08,668 --> 01:26:12,639
See, your dad has spent so long
looking after you,
2022
01:26:12,772 --> 01:26:15,642
he never got a chance
to have fun on his own.
2023
01:26:15,775 --> 01:26:18,946
Oh. What a load
of horseshit that is.
2024
01:26:19,080 --> 01:26:20,982
Those Dolly Parton tickets
he was just bragging about?
2025
01:26:21,115 --> 01:26:22,216
Front row?
2026
01:26:22,350 --> 01:26:23,985
Who do you think
bought 'em for him?
2027
01:26:24,118 --> 01:26:26,387
And to think I thought I was
finally understanding you.
2028
01:26:26,519 --> 01:26:28,322
I... I found
your fucking knife.
2029
01:26:28,456 --> 01:26:29,957
Yeah, you want
this piece of shit?
2030
01:26:30,091 --> 01:26:31,425
When he kicked me
off the train,
2031
01:26:31,558 --> 01:26:33,194
I thought, "Maybe he's trying
to keep me safe,
2032
01:26:33,327 --> 01:26:35,262
protect me or has a plan."
2033
01:26:35,396 --> 01:26:38,299
But no plan. No fucking plan.
2034
01:26:38,432 --> 01:26:40,301
You're just a big old dick!
2035
01:26:41,601 --> 01:26:42,970
I may have let you down
in this world.
2036
01:26:43,104 --> 01:26:44,704
You pointed that out a lot.
2037
01:26:44,839 --> 01:26:47,842
But you know what, Dad?
You have let me down.
2038
01:26:47,975 --> 01:26:49,810
Just like I let Sasha down.
2039
01:26:49,944 --> 01:26:53,314
I can't believe I thought you
were here to take care of me.
2040
01:26:53,447 --> 01:26:55,983
Dad, take a fucking
look around.
2041
01:26:56,117 --> 01:26:57,451
You let me down!
2042
01:26:59,353 --> 01:27:00,488
Son.
2043
01:27:02,289 --> 01:27:04,358
I will always take care of you.
2044
01:27:04,492 --> 01:27:06,659
[CHUCKLES]
2045
01:27:06,793 --> 01:27:08,695
ALEXEI:
What?
2046
01:27:08,829 --> 01:27:12,833
You people threatened
my granddaughter,
2047
01:27:12,967 --> 01:27:14,734
you kidnapped my son
2048
01:27:14,869 --> 01:27:18,705
and made me do
a lot of amazing drugs.
2049
01:27:18,839 --> 01:27:22,343
And this is how we say
thank you in Florida.
2050
01:27:22,476 --> 01:27:23,511
[GRUNTS]
2051
01:27:23,643 --> 01:27:25,012
[GROANING]
2052
01:27:25,146 --> 01:27:26,347
Holy shit!
2053
01:27:28,349 --> 01:27:30,418
[WOMEN SCREAMING]
2054
01:27:30,550 --> 01:27:32,086
Motherfucking Eagle Scout.
2055
01:27:32,219 --> 01:27:33,954
[GASPING]
Oh, fuck!
2056
01:27:34,088 --> 01:27:35,189
You have amazing tits!
2057
01:27:36,723 --> 01:27:38,292
[GUNFIRE]
Oh, shit!
2058
01:27:38,426 --> 01:27:40,760
I got the doors!
2059
01:27:40,895 --> 01:27:41,829
God!
2060
01:27:41,962 --> 01:27:43,864
[SCREAMS]
2061
01:27:43,998 --> 01:27:45,900
[WOMEN SCREAMING, CLAMORING]
2062
01:27:49,236 --> 01:27:50,603
I thought you were nonviolent.
2063
01:27:50,737 --> 01:27:53,207
I am! But I also love my son!
2064
01:27:53,340 --> 01:27:54,975
I knew you'd survive
falling off that train
2065
01:27:55,109 --> 01:27:58,446
because of your big old boobies
and protective layers of fat.
2066
01:27:58,578 --> 01:28:00,281
Oh, my God,
you're so high right now.
2067
01:28:00,414 --> 01:28:03,384
[LAUGHING]:
I am so high. I am so high!
2068
01:28:03,517 --> 01:28:06,619
Idiots, stop talking and run.
I'll find the watch.
2069
01:28:06,753 --> 01:28:09,722
[WOMEN SCREAMING]
Come on, come on, come on.
2070
01:28:09,857 --> 01:28:12,326
Shit. Let's go, Keith Richards.
2071
01:28:12,460 --> 01:28:13,994
Dad, come on!
Stop lollygagging!
2072
01:28:14,128 --> 01:28:16,831
[SCREAMING AND CLAMORING
CONTINUE]
2073
01:28:16,964 --> 01:28:18,966
God. All right.
Have a great night, everybody.
2074
01:28:19,100 --> 01:28:20,600
Ooh, you're dropping
your money.
2075
01:28:20,733 --> 01:28:22,570
And don't drink and drive.
Grab a T-shirt on your way out.
2076
01:28:22,702 --> 01:28:24,071
All right, have a good one.
2077
01:28:24,205 --> 01:28:26,006
Oh, here we go.
The last ones out.
2078
01:28:26,140 --> 01:28:28,008
Sorry for the gunfire,
everybody. Have a great night.
2079
01:28:28,142 --> 01:28:29,977
Take care. Thank you very much.
2080
01:28:31,212 --> 01:28:33,314
All right, Dad. We're good.
2081
01:28:33,447 --> 01:28:35,715
Now, listen, I need you to use
this drug energy for good.
2082
01:28:35,850 --> 01:28:37,918
All right?
Like Charlie Sheen did.
2083
01:28:38,052 --> 01:28:39,786
Oh, shit. Dad, get down.
2084
01:28:55,436 --> 01:28:56,769
[BOTH GRUNTING]
2085
01:29:01,542 --> 01:29:04,278
[BONES CRACK]
[SCREAMS]
2086
01:29:04,411 --> 01:29:06,347
["MAMA (WHEN MY DOLLIES HAVE
BABIES)" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
2087
01:29:06,480 --> 01:29:08,015
[SONG CONTINUES WITH LYRICS
IN RUSSIAN]
2088
01:29:08,149 --> 01:29:09,450
Bert.
Shh.
2089
01:29:09,583 --> 01:29:10,951
I lied.
Stop talking.
2090
01:29:11,085 --> 01:29:13,020
Come on, let's go.
2091
01:29:13,154 --> 01:29:15,655
ALBERT:
Look at me.
I think I failed you as a dad.
2092
01:29:15,788 --> 01:29:18,192
Dad, be quiet.
I can't.
2093
01:29:18,325 --> 01:29:19,659
I'm feeling
so many feelings,
2094
01:29:19,792 --> 01:29:22,363
and I need to tell you
about them.
2095
01:29:22,496 --> 01:29:23,663
Bert?
2096
01:29:23,796 --> 01:29:25,466
Bert?
What?
2097
01:29:25,599 --> 01:29:26,934
I need to say this.
2098
01:29:27,067 --> 01:29:30,037
Instead of accepting you,
I criticized you.
2099
01:29:30,171 --> 01:29:32,672
But it was only because
I wanted to keep you safe.
2100
01:29:32,806 --> 01:29:33,974
Why have you never
told me this?
2101
01:29:34,108 --> 01:29:35,876
I don't know. It's...
2102
01:29:36,010 --> 01:29:39,980
Vulnerability is scary,
and-and opening up is hard.
2103
01:29:40,114 --> 01:29:41,849
What drugs did they give you?
2104
01:29:41,982 --> 01:29:43,083
Well, well, it was...
2105
01:29:43,217 --> 01:29:44,751
Okay, come on.
Let's go. Let's go.
2106
01:29:44,885 --> 01:29:47,087
One was yellow,
but I don't know what it was.
2107
01:29:49,689 --> 01:29:51,659
Bert.
Dad, shut the fuck up.
2108
01:29:51,791 --> 01:29:53,561
This is important.
[GRUNTS]
2109
01:29:55,996 --> 01:29:58,098
All dads mess up, Bert.
2110
01:29:58,232 --> 01:30:01,835
But the good ones, we...
2111
01:30:01,969 --> 01:30:03,736
we try to do better.
2112
01:30:04,838 --> 01:30:05,873
[CHUCKLES]
2113
01:30:06,006 --> 01:30:09,410
I guess sometimes it just...
2114
01:30:09,543 --> 01:30:10,945
takes us a while.
2115
01:30:11,078 --> 01:30:13,214
You're my boy, Bert.
2116
01:30:15,316 --> 01:30:17,084
Don't ever forget that.
2117
01:30:17,218 --> 01:30:19,954
You'll always...
2118
01:30:20,087 --> 01:30:21,388
be my boy.
2119
01:30:21,522 --> 01:30:23,123
[BERT SNIFFLING]
2120
01:30:28,562 --> 01:30:29,762
This is nice, Dad.
2121
01:30:29,897 --> 01:30:31,899
You should do drugs
more often.
2122
01:30:32,032 --> 01:30:33,367
Look at us.
2123
01:30:33,500 --> 01:30:34,935
We're finally
working through our shit.
2124
01:30:35,069 --> 01:30:35,970
[SIGHS]
2125
01:30:36,103 --> 01:30:37,338
[GUNFIRE]
[BOTH SCREAMING]
2126
01:30:39,739 --> 01:30:40,908
Dad, let's go!
2127
01:30:41,041 --> 01:30:43,110
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
Goddamn!
2128
01:30:43,244 --> 01:30:45,613
I just wish it had happened
before we were about to die!
2129
01:30:45,745 --> 01:30:48,082
No, we're not gonna die.
2130
01:30:48,215 --> 01:30:49,516
Here.
2131
01:30:49,650 --> 01:30:53,287
You have always succeeded
by being exactly you.
2132
01:30:53,420 --> 01:30:55,089
Now, take off that shirt
2133
01:30:55,222 --> 01:30:58,758
and show those SOBs
who you really are.
2134
01:31:02,563 --> 01:31:03,796
Hey!
2135
01:31:05,765 --> 01:31:09,303
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
2136
01:31:09,436 --> 01:31:10,404
Fuck.
2137
01:31:12,606 --> 01:31:14,908
[♪♪♪]
2138
01:31:19,847 --> 01:31:21,048
[BELL DINGS]
2139
01:31:22,616 --> 01:31:24,551
[ELECTRICAL CRACKLING]
2140
01:31:24,685 --> 01:31:26,587
[GEARS CLICKING]
[ENGINE REVVING]
2141
01:31:28,088 --> 01:31:30,057
[LIQUID BUBBLING]
[STEAM WHISTLE BLOWS]
2142
01:31:30,190 --> 01:31:32,893
[FIREWORKS BOOMING]
2143
01:31:33,027 --> 01:31:34,128
[SIGHS]
2144
01:31:35,262 --> 01:31:36,497
[SNIFFS]
2145
01:31:36,630 --> 01:31:39,700
Now... you got to party
with me.
2146
01:31:39,833 --> 01:31:41,635
Who the fuck are you?
2147
01:31:41,769 --> 01:31:45,005
He's the motherfucking Machine!
2148
01:31:48,008 --> 01:31:49,276
[CHUCKLING]
2149
01:31:49,410 --> 01:31:51,545
[LAUGHTER]
2150
01:31:51,679 --> 01:31:53,347
Oh, shit. Oh.
2151
01:31:53,480 --> 01:31:55,949
[YELLS]
I'm bulletproof, baby!
2152
01:31:56,083 --> 01:31:57,284
Yeah!
2153
01:31:57,418 --> 01:31:58,952
Come on! Yeah!
2154
01:31:59,086 --> 01:32:01,388
[BERT YELLING]
2155
01:32:01,522 --> 01:32:03,791
["MORE HUMAN THAN HUMAN"
BY WHITE ZOMBIE PLAYING]
2156
01:32:03,924 --> 01:32:05,859
Suck my dick, Captain America.
2157
01:32:05,993 --> 01:32:07,895
[YELLING]
2158
01:32:09,630 --> 01:32:11,398
[GRUNTS, YELLS]
2159
01:32:11,532 --> 01:32:12,499
Machina!
2160
01:32:13,801 --> 01:32:16,470
♪ More human than human ♪
2161
01:32:22,676 --> 01:32:24,878
[GROANS]
Oh!
2162
01:32:27,548 --> 01:32:29,383
♪ More human than human... ♪
2163
01:32:29,516 --> 01:32:31,585
What are you gonna do
with a stick? Come on.
2164
01:32:33,387 --> 01:32:34,688
[LAUGHS]
2165
01:32:34,823 --> 01:32:36,156
I got your stick now.
2166
01:32:44,865 --> 01:32:46,066
[SHOUTS]
2167
01:32:50,104 --> 01:32:50,971
Not too bad.
2168
01:32:51,105 --> 01:32:52,373
[GROANING]
2169
01:32:52,506 --> 01:32:54,475
[CHUCKLING]
2170
01:32:54,608 --> 01:32:55,709
[GRUNTING FIERCELY]
2171
01:32:57,644 --> 01:32:59,313
[SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN]
Dad, put your hands down.
2172
01:32:59,446 --> 01:33:01,014
Get down now! Come on!
2173
01:33:01,148 --> 01:33:03,317
God, I'm so strong!
2174
01:33:03,450 --> 01:33:04,518
[YELLING]
2175
01:33:04,651 --> 01:33:06,920
Here we go.
Dad, Dad. Down, down.
2176
01:33:08,555 --> 01:33:10,023
Help me fuck up Lenin.
2177
01:33:10,157 --> 01:33:11,191
Let's do it.
Come on!
2178
01:33:11,325 --> 01:33:14,561
[BERT YELLING]
2179
01:33:16,563 --> 01:33:17,866
[DISTORTED SCREAM]
2180
01:33:19,233 --> 01:33:20,934
[BERT CHEERS]
ALBERT: Oh! [LAUGHS]
2181
01:33:21,068 --> 01:33:22,669
Take that, Communist!
2182
01:33:22,803 --> 01:33:25,205
Hey. Eagle Scout.
2183
01:33:25,339 --> 01:33:27,775
We have a rematch.
2184
01:33:32,413 --> 01:33:34,281
[BONE CRACKS]
[GROANS]
2185
01:33:34,415 --> 01:33:36,116
Hammer, Dad.
Here.
2186
01:33:36,250 --> 01:33:37,451
[GRUNTS]
2187
01:33:37,584 --> 01:33:40,120
[BOTH STRAINING]
2188
01:33:40,254 --> 01:33:42,122
♪ More human than human. ♪
2189
01:33:42,256 --> 01:33:43,357
[GROANING]
[SONG STOPS]
2190
01:33:43,490 --> 01:33:45,659
Oh, titty boy.
2191
01:33:45,793 --> 01:33:47,294
[SPONGE LAUGHS]
2192
01:33:49,596 --> 01:33:50,931
ALBERT:
I got you, son!
2193
01:33:52,867 --> 01:33:55,068
Dad! Dad!
2194
01:33:55,202 --> 01:33:56,970
SPONGE:
Sorry, old man.
2195
01:34:01,275 --> 01:34:02,242
[SPONGE SCREAMS]
2196
01:34:05,245 --> 01:34:06,747
Absorb that, Sponge.
2197
01:34:06,881 --> 01:34:08,248
[BERT LAUGHING]
2198
01:34:08,382 --> 01:34:09,249
Oh, shit.
2199
01:34:09,383 --> 01:34:10,819
Dad. Get off!
2200
01:34:10,951 --> 01:34:12,619
You okay? You okay?
2201
01:34:12,753 --> 01:34:14,823
I... I saved you.
2202
01:34:14,955 --> 01:34:17,024
[LAUGHS]
Yeah, you did.
2203
01:34:17,157 --> 01:34:18,091
[GUNSHOT]
2204
01:34:18,225 --> 01:34:19,259
Geez!
Oh, shit.
2205
01:34:19,393 --> 01:34:20,494
Come here!
Come on, Dad, let's walk.
2206
01:34:20,627 --> 01:34:23,263
Oh, shit. Shit. Let me see.
2207
01:34:23,397 --> 01:34:26,433
You... are nothing...
[GUN RACKS]
2208
01:34:28,569 --> 01:34:29,938
[GUN DROPS ON FLOOR]
2209
01:34:30,070 --> 01:34:34,308
...but an ignorant, fat
American who has no respect.
2210
01:34:34,441 --> 01:34:37,144
Our father earned our respect.
2211
01:34:40,280 --> 01:34:42,983
Your father...
2212
01:34:43,116 --> 01:34:45,486
sells carpets.
2213
01:34:45,619 --> 01:34:50,925
I think I will make him
watch you die, Machine.
2214
01:34:53,327 --> 01:34:54,495
My name's not Machine.
2215
01:34:59,600 --> 01:35:02,703
My name is
Albert Charles Kreischer III.
2216
01:35:02,837 --> 01:35:05,339
Son to
Albert Charles Kreischer Jr.,
2217
01:35:05,472 --> 01:35:08,308
owner and operator
of Kreischer Karpets,
2218
01:35:08,442 --> 01:35:11,645
the best goddamn carpets you
can find in Southwest Florida!
2219
01:35:11,778 --> 01:35:14,181
Three convenient locations.
2220
01:35:14,314 --> 01:35:15,817
Tell him, Dad!
2221
01:35:15,950 --> 01:35:19,219
And if I ever see
your albino-looking ass again,
2222
01:35:19,353 --> 01:35:20,822
I'm gonna whip it
quick as a bitch.
2223
01:35:20,955 --> 01:35:23,290
And last but surely not least,
2224
01:35:23,423 --> 01:35:26,159
I'm gonna need that knife back.
That's a family heirloom.
2225
01:35:26,293 --> 01:35:27,829
Hmm.
2226
01:35:27,962 --> 01:35:29,062
You want knife?
2227
01:35:29,196 --> 01:35:30,230
Oh, yeah.
2228
01:35:33,200 --> 01:35:35,035
Oh, I wouldn't, I wouldn't
do it that way, though.
2229
01:35:35,168 --> 01:35:38,171
[GRUNTING]
Oh.
2230
01:35:38,305 --> 01:35:40,340
I would have someone help you.
2231
01:35:40,474 --> 01:35:41,642
Oh, God. It's...
2232
01:35:41,775 --> 01:35:43,143
Oh, my Jesus.
2233
01:35:43,277 --> 01:35:44,545
That's how Steve Irwin died.
2234
01:35:44,678 --> 01:35:46,079
[GRUNTS]
2235
01:35:46,213 --> 01:35:48,248
[PANTING]
2236
01:35:52,519 --> 01:35:55,924
Oh, my God.
2237
01:35:56,056 --> 01:35:57,357
You work out every day?
2238
01:35:57,491 --> 01:35:58,893
That's...
Looks like an everyday thing.
2239
01:35:59,027 --> 01:36:01,194
Enough talk.
All right, yep.
2240
01:36:02,931 --> 01:36:03,932
Oh.
2241
01:36:04,064 --> 01:36:06,133
So, now's when we bang, huh?
Nyet.
2242
01:36:06,266 --> 01:36:08,201
[BOTH GRUNTING]
2243
01:36:11,572 --> 01:36:13,975
[SHOUTS]
[GROANS]
2244
01:36:14,107 --> 01:36:15,877
[YELLS]
[GROANS]
2245
01:36:18,078 --> 01:36:19,479
[STRAINING]
2246
01:36:26,219 --> 01:36:28,722
[PANTING]
[GROANING]
2247
01:36:38,131 --> 01:36:40,068
[GROANING]
2248
01:36:42,302 --> 01:36:44,171
[BONE CRACKS]
[GRUNTS]
2249
01:36:44,304 --> 01:36:45,840
[GROANING]
2250
01:36:47,976 --> 01:36:49,443
BERT:
Okay, here we go.
2251
01:36:52,013 --> 01:36:53,313
[GRUNTS]
2252
01:36:59,020 --> 01:37:00,554
So you can fight.
2253
01:37:00,687 --> 01:37:03,223
I went to Florida State.
2254
01:37:03,357 --> 01:37:06,126
All we know how to do
is fight, fuck and drink.
2255
01:37:06,259 --> 01:37:08,328
And I can't fuck worth shit.
2256
01:37:10,932 --> 01:37:12,834
[GRUNTING]
2257
01:37:28,749 --> 01:37:29,984
[YELLING]
2258
01:37:32,386 --> 01:37:33,320
[SPITS, GROANS]
2259
01:37:33,453 --> 01:37:35,489
I just got that crown.
2260
01:37:37,925 --> 01:37:39,827
[BERT SPITS, GROANS]
2261
01:37:42,964 --> 01:37:45,365
Would you like to know
why I hate you, Machine?
2262
01:37:45,499 --> 01:37:47,300
Oh, I'm dying to know.
2263
01:37:47,434 --> 01:37:51,471
All my life, men were measured
against your stupid legend.
2264
01:37:51,605 --> 01:37:54,207
[BERT GROANING]
[PANTING]
2265
01:37:54,341 --> 01:37:55,642
"The beast."
2266
01:37:56,777 --> 01:37:58,046
"The man's man."
2267
01:37:58,178 --> 01:38:00,081
I say fuck that!
2268
01:38:00,213 --> 01:38:01,581
[GROANING]
2269
01:38:01,715 --> 01:38:03,717
So I worked to make myself
better than you.
2270
01:38:03,851 --> 01:38:05,519
Stronger than you.
2271
01:38:05,652 --> 01:38:08,022
Look at you now, Machine.
2272
01:38:08,156 --> 01:38:09,556
You are nothing.
2273
01:38:12,325 --> 01:38:14,062
[IRINA CHUCKLES]
2274
01:38:14,194 --> 01:38:16,763
So dramatic, Alexei.
2275
01:38:16,898 --> 01:38:18,699
All these fucking speeches.
2276
01:38:18,833 --> 01:38:20,734
[LAUGHING]
2277
01:38:22,904 --> 01:38:23,871
Irina.
2278
01:38:24,005 --> 01:38:28,009
Typical macho bullshit.
2279
01:38:30,343 --> 01:38:31,211
Oh, Dad!
2280
01:38:31,344 --> 01:38:32,379
[LAUGHS]
Whoa, whoa, my arm!
2281
01:38:32,512 --> 01:38:34,048
[GROANS]
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
2282
01:38:34,182 --> 01:38:35,716
Son...
2283
01:38:35,850 --> 01:38:38,285
you didn't show fear.
[LAUGHING]
2284
01:38:38,418 --> 01:38:40,088
[VEHICLES APPROACHING]
2285
01:38:40,220 --> 01:38:41,923
[♪♪♪]
2286
01:38:58,206 --> 01:39:00,041
[GUNS RACKING]
2287
01:39:03,878 --> 01:39:05,012
[IN RUSSIAN]
2288
01:39:05,146 --> 01:39:07,048
[♪♪♪]
2289
01:39:13,653 --> 01:39:15,455
[INHALES]
2290
01:39:23,831 --> 01:39:24,866
[INHALES]
2291
01:39:30,737 --> 01:39:31,873
Your watch, Papa.
2292
01:39:38,278 --> 01:39:40,114
[WATCH PLAYING GENTLE MUSIC]
2293
01:39:41,515 --> 01:39:43,750
I brought it here
to return it to you.
2294
01:39:50,858 --> 01:39:51,926
So...
2295
01:39:52,059 --> 01:39:52,960
[SIGHS]
2296
01:39:55,762 --> 01:39:58,866
It's clear that I have won.
2297
01:39:59,000 --> 01:40:00,634
[LAUGHS]
2298
01:40:00,767 --> 01:40:02,103
Oh, Irina.
2299
01:40:02,236 --> 01:40:04,538
[SPEAKS RUSSIAN]
My beautiful daughter.
2300
01:40:04,671 --> 01:40:07,607
You want to take over?
2301
01:40:07,741 --> 01:40:10,644
You cannot even kill brother.
2302
01:40:10,777 --> 01:40:13,780
You become friends with idiot.
2303
01:40:13,915 --> 01:40:17,151
I would never
give this to you.
2304
01:40:18,518 --> 01:40:21,388
Actually, can I step in
for a second?
2305
01:40:21,521 --> 01:40:23,390
I think you guys
should talk it out.
2306
01:40:23,523 --> 01:40:24,491
Now, me and my dad...
2307
01:40:24,624 --> 01:40:25,492
[WHIMPERING]
2308
01:40:25,625 --> 01:40:27,862
This is Russia.
Okay, okay.
2309
01:40:27,995 --> 01:40:31,631
We don't do your weak America
lovey-huggy shit.
2310
01:40:31,765 --> 01:40:33,667
Da.
2311
01:40:33,800 --> 01:40:37,205
Hugs are for pussies.
2312
01:40:37,337 --> 01:40:39,339
[STAMMERS]
That explains a lot.
2313
01:40:43,476 --> 01:40:46,314
Alexei understands.
2314
01:40:47,447 --> 01:40:51,185
It is why he will run family.
2315
01:40:51,319 --> 01:40:52,752
You are weak.
2316
01:40:52,887 --> 01:40:55,022
A leader must be a wolf.
2317
01:40:56,824 --> 01:40:59,827
Kill or be killed.
2318
01:40:59,961 --> 01:41:02,462
If you do not like it,
2319
01:41:02,596 --> 01:41:05,532
take it up with God.
2320
01:41:07,601 --> 01:41:09,003
But you first.
2321
01:41:11,371 --> 01:41:12,539
[BOTH GASP]
2322
01:41:12,672 --> 01:41:15,508
[♪♪♪]
2323
01:41:32,692 --> 01:41:35,029
Did I do that?
2324
01:41:36,898 --> 01:41:38,199
[BERT SIGHS]
2325
01:41:38,332 --> 01:41:39,699
I am definitely watching
"Family Matters"
2326
01:41:39,834 --> 01:41:40,734
when we get home.
2327
01:41:40,868 --> 01:41:42,769
[♪♪♪]
2328
01:42:03,590 --> 01:42:05,625
[BERT MUMBLING EXCITEDLY]
2329
01:42:07,228 --> 01:42:10,331
Irina, we can work together.
2330
01:42:10,463 --> 01:42:11,564
I am your brother.
2331
01:42:11,698 --> 01:42:13,067
Shut the fuck up!
2332
01:42:17,537 --> 01:42:20,408
Take him to our family dacha
while I decide
2333
01:42:20,540 --> 01:42:23,177
which part of him to cut off
for his insolence.
2334
01:42:23,311 --> 01:42:24,477
Nyet!
2335
01:42:24,611 --> 01:42:26,414
Fuck you, bitch.
This is Russia.
2336
01:42:26,546 --> 01:42:27,614
[BERT LAUGHING]
2337
01:42:27,747 --> 01:42:30,284
Machine, I will
kill you someday!
2338
01:42:30,418 --> 01:42:31,751
I don't think so. [LAUGHS]
I will come for you!
2339
01:42:31,886 --> 01:42:33,087
I don't know about that.
2340
01:42:33,220 --> 01:42:34,855
Machine!
I can't hear you.
2341
01:42:34,989 --> 01:42:36,489
I will come for you!
2342
01:42:36,623 --> 01:42:37,590
Woo-hoo!
2343
01:42:37,724 --> 01:42:38,960
Go, me! Right?
[BERT WHOOPS]
2344
01:42:39,093 --> 01:42:40,127
That was awesome!
2345
01:42:40,261 --> 01:42:42,163
Thank you, Bert.
You inspired me.
2346
01:42:42,296 --> 01:42:43,730
Wait, how?
When you said
2347
01:42:43,864 --> 01:42:45,299
you're going to kill your dad
at Igor's house.
2348
01:42:45,433 --> 01:42:47,467
Oh, you said you were gonna
kill me?
Well, yeah.
2349
01:42:47,600 --> 01:42:48,668
You kicked me off a train.
2350
01:42:48,802 --> 01:42:51,272
Now go, before police shows up.
2351
01:42:51,405 --> 01:42:52,940
And, Bert.
Yeah?
2352
01:42:53,074 --> 01:42:54,474
Your daughter is sweet.
2353
01:42:54,607 --> 01:42:56,476
My DJ friend tells me
she's a good girl.
2354
01:42:56,609 --> 01:42:57,945
[SIGHS]
Some drugs,
2355
01:42:58,079 --> 01:43:00,114
but smoke, not snort.
Okay.
2356
01:43:00,247 --> 01:43:01,816
Good girl.
Yeah.
2357
01:43:01,949 --> 01:43:03,851
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
2358
01:43:07,554 --> 01:43:08,621
You're a good dad.
2359
01:43:08,755 --> 01:43:10,424
Keep it up.
2360
01:43:10,557 --> 01:43:12,659
Or else your daughter
may kill you.
2361
01:43:12,792 --> 01:43:14,661
[LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING NERVOUSLY]
2362
01:43:14,794 --> 01:43:15,795
Oh.
2363
01:43:15,930 --> 01:43:17,198
Ah.
[GRUNTS]
2364
01:43:17,331 --> 01:43:18,366
Thanks, Irina.
2365
01:43:19,499 --> 01:43:21,469
See you around, pussy boy.
2366
01:43:21,601 --> 01:43:23,471
[ENGINE STARTS]
2367
01:43:23,603 --> 01:43:25,505
[♪♪♪]
2368
01:43:28,109 --> 01:43:29,642
[TIRES SQUEALING]
2369
01:43:35,182 --> 01:43:36,516
[TICKING]
2370
01:43:40,087 --> 01:43:42,323
SASHA:
Hey, deuces. Bye.
2371
01:43:42,456 --> 01:43:43,690
MADISON:
Bye, girl.
2372
01:43:47,194 --> 01:43:48,996
Dad?
BERT: Keep it, sir. Thank you.
2373
01:43:49,130 --> 01:43:51,564
Dad, look. Mom said that...
Oh, my gosh!
2374
01:43:51,698 --> 01:43:53,367
There she is! Come here!
What?
2375
01:43:53,501 --> 01:43:54,902
Oh, my God, I love you.
2376
01:43:55,036 --> 01:43:58,406
I am so sorry.
You are a fantastic kid.
2377
01:43:58,538 --> 01:43:59,974
[BERT SIGHS]
No, look.
2378
01:44:00,107 --> 01:44:02,009
I'm really sorry.
I was really mean at the party.
2379
01:44:03,144 --> 01:44:05,413
Look at us. We're apologizing.
2380
01:44:05,545 --> 01:44:07,214
I should be kidnapped to Russia
once a year
2381
01:44:07,348 --> 01:44:08,449
just to make this happen,
right?
2382
01:44:08,581 --> 01:44:09,850
[LAUGHS]
What?
2383
01:44:09,984 --> 01:44:11,285
Oh, there's the smile.
2384
01:44:11,419 --> 01:44:13,720
You did that smile
when you were a little girl.
2385
01:44:13,854 --> 01:44:15,456
You're still my little girl.
2386
01:44:16,857 --> 01:44:18,859
Oh. And there's my woman.
2387
01:44:18,993 --> 01:44:21,896
Oh, well, well.
It's nice to see you two back.
2388
01:44:22,029 --> 01:44:24,432
I hope you worked out
your shit finally be...
2389
01:44:30,670 --> 01:44:32,440
Wow.
2390
01:44:32,572 --> 01:44:33,740
The fuck are you wearing?
2391
01:44:33,874 --> 01:44:35,708
Oh, my God, what is that smell?
2392
01:44:35,843 --> 01:44:37,144
Okay, these are clothes.
2393
01:44:37,278 --> 01:44:38,546
I do not know
what that smell is.
2394
01:44:38,678 --> 01:44:40,047
Did you go to Vegas?
I did not go to Vegas.
2395
01:44:40,181 --> 01:44:41,982
Where's your dad?
Dad's in Florida.
2396
01:44:42,116 --> 01:44:43,250
He's got a doctor buddy
he plays golf with
2397
01:44:43,384 --> 01:44:44,985
who doesn't ask any questions.
2398
01:44:45,119 --> 01:44:46,719
We could all use one of those,
right, guys? Am I kidding?
2399
01:44:46,854 --> 01:44:48,956
Dad! Hey!
Oh, there she is!
2400
01:44:49,090 --> 01:44:50,424
From the top rope!
[GRUNTS]
2401
01:44:50,558 --> 01:44:52,159
Oh, my gosh!
2402
01:44:52,293 --> 01:44:54,095
Oh, I love you!
My favorite daughter!
2403
01:44:54,228 --> 01:44:55,795
Just kidding. I'm not kidding.
Hey.
2404
01:44:55,930 --> 01:44:57,630
I can't wait till
you get kidnapped.
2405
01:44:57,764 --> 01:44:59,100
[LAUGHS]
2406
01:44:59,233 --> 01:45:01,402
What?
Guys, Dad's back!
2407
01:45:01,535 --> 01:45:03,603
Dad's back!
It's old-school Dad!
2408
01:45:03,736 --> 01:45:05,139
THERAPIST:
How was your week?
2409
01:45:05,272 --> 01:45:07,408
Oof. Complicated.
2410
01:45:07,541 --> 01:45:10,777
BERT [VOICE-OVER]:
Dear Ashley, are you still hot?
I'm not.
2411
01:45:10,911 --> 01:45:12,947
I don't expect you
to forgive me,
2412
01:45:13,080 --> 01:45:15,249
but I wanted
to keep my promise.
2413
01:45:15,382 --> 01:45:17,952
Gifts are an important aspect
of Russian life.
2414
01:45:18,085 --> 01:45:19,954
So are apologies.
2415
01:45:20,087 --> 01:45:21,989
This is mine.
2416
01:45:22,123 --> 01:45:24,757
Last week, the subject
of your father came up,
2417
01:45:24,892 --> 01:45:27,895
and I thought
we could explore that.
2418
01:45:28,028 --> 01:45:29,662
Jesus Christ, Dad.
That Annika girl.
2419
01:45:29,796 --> 01:45:30,998
Did you wear condoms?
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
2420
01:45:31,132 --> 01:45:32,933
Will you stop? Stop.
[LAUGHS]
2421
01:45:33,067 --> 01:45:34,502
I'm just saying.
I don't want to hear it again.
2422
01:45:34,634 --> 01:45:36,070
Please put that
down the memory hole.
2423
01:45:36,203 --> 01:45:37,471
I can't, Dad. Geez.
2424
01:45:37,605 --> 01:45:39,406
Since when do you have
such a razor-sharp memory?
2425
01:45:39,540 --> 01:45:40,608
What happened...
Oh, when you say,
2426
01:45:40,740 --> 01:45:41,842
when you say things like,
2427
01:45:41,976 --> 01:45:43,110
"Your mom is
a missionary woman."
2428
01:45:43,244 --> 01:45:44,311
ALBERT [VOICE-OVER, FADING]:
Oh, no!
2429
01:45:44,445 --> 01:45:46,147
Nah, we're good.
2430
01:45:46,280 --> 01:45:47,848
You and your father?
2431
01:45:47,982 --> 01:45:50,518
Yeah. We're thick as thieves.
Butch and Sundance.
2432
01:45:50,650 --> 01:45:52,186
Really?
Yeah.
2433
01:45:52,319 --> 01:45:53,521
Well, if you don't mind,
2434
01:45:53,653 --> 01:45:55,322
can I ask
how that resolved itself?
2435
01:45:55,456 --> 01:45:58,159
You can ask, but I don't think
you're gonna believe me.
2436
01:45:58,292 --> 01:46:00,793
Well, humor me.
2437
01:46:00,928 --> 01:46:03,430
Hmm.
2438
01:46:03,564 --> 01:46:05,332
All right.
2439
01:46:05,466 --> 01:46:06,634
When I was 48 years old,
2440
01:46:06,766 --> 01:46:08,135
I got involved with
the Russian mafia.
2441
01:46:08,269 --> 01:46:09,537
Here's how it happened.
2442
01:46:09,669 --> 01:46:10,838
["FATHER OF MINE"
BY EVERCLEAR PLAYING]
2443
01:46:10,971 --> 01:46:12,805
♪ Father of mine ♪
2444
01:46:12,940 --> 01:46:15,209
♪ Tell me,
where have you been? ♪
2445
01:46:15,342 --> 01:46:17,645
♪ You know
I just closed my eyes ♪
2446
01:46:17,777 --> 01:46:20,548
♪ My whole world disappeared ♪
2447
01:46:20,680 --> 01:46:22,550
♪ Father of mine ♪
2448
01:46:22,682 --> 01:46:25,152
♪ Take me back to the day ♪
2449
01:46:25,286 --> 01:46:27,555
♪ Yeah, when I was still
your golden boy ♪
2450
01:46:27,687 --> 01:46:30,257
♪ Back before you went away ♪
2451
01:46:30,391 --> 01:46:35,162
♪ I remember blue skies,
walking the block ♪
2452
01:46:35,296 --> 01:46:37,565
♪ I loved it
when you held me high ♪
2453
01:46:37,697 --> 01:46:39,867
♪ I loved to hear you talk ♪
2454
01:46:40,000 --> 01:46:42,436
♪ You would take me
to the movie ♪
2455
01:46:42,570 --> 01:46:45,039
♪ You would
take me to the beach ♪
2456
01:46:45,172 --> 01:46:47,274
♪ You would take me
to a place inside ♪
2457
01:46:47,408 --> 01:46:49,709
♪ That's so hard to reach. ♪
2458
01:46:49,843 --> 01:46:51,744
[♪♪♪]
2459
01:46:57,750 --> 01:46:59,086
[SONG ENDS]
2460
01:46:59,220 --> 01:47:00,421
What's up, Florida?
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
2461
01:47:00,554 --> 01:47:01,622
It's your boy, Bert Kreischer.
2462
01:47:01,754 --> 01:47:03,224
[DISTORTED]:
The Machine.
2463
01:47:03,357 --> 01:47:04,692
[NORMAL VOICE]:
I love three things:
2464
01:47:04,825 --> 01:47:06,260
having a great time...
MAN: Yeah!
2465
01:47:06,393 --> 01:47:07,794
...making sure other people
have a great time...
2466
01:47:07,928 --> 01:47:09,129
Yeah!
...and quality carpets
2467
01:47:09,263 --> 01:47:10,197
delivered at
a reasonable price.
2468
01:47:10,331 --> 01:47:11,832
CROWD:
Oh, yeah!
2469
01:47:11,966 --> 01:47:13,300
That's why, if you're looking
for some acrylic,
2470
01:47:13,434 --> 01:47:16,570
wool, plush, saxony
or level loop--
2471
01:47:16,704 --> 01:47:18,372
none of that nylon shit...
MAN: Ew.
2472
01:47:18,505 --> 01:47:20,708
...you need to find your way
to a Kreischer Karpets.
2473
01:47:20,841 --> 01:47:23,110
It's my dad's business,
and he's right here.
2474
01:47:23,244 --> 01:47:25,012
Say hi, Dad.
2475
01:47:25,145 --> 01:47:28,082
Hey, son.
You can't say a swear on TV.
2476
01:47:28,215 --> 01:47:30,951
The best goddamn carpets
in Southwest Florida.
2477
01:47:31,085 --> 01:47:34,121
That's Kreischer Karpets,
spelled weirdly with a "K."
2478
01:47:34,255 --> 01:47:35,923
Take it off, Dad.
2479
01:47:36,056 --> 01:47:37,391
Okay, fine.
2480
01:47:40,760 --> 01:47:43,731
Did we mention we have
three convenient locations?
2481
01:47:43,897 --> 01:47:46,433
[UPBEAT MUSIC ENDS]
2482
01:47:46,567 --> 01:47:48,469
[♪♪♪]
2483
01:48:18,599 --> 01:48:20,501
[♪♪♪]
2484
01:48:49,496 --> 01:48:52,399
[♪♪♪]
2485
01:49:22,663 --> 01:49:24,565
[♪♪♪]
2486
01:49:54,695 --> 01:49:56,597
[♪♪♪]
2487
01:50:16,550 --> 01:50:19,453
[♪♪♪]
2488
01:50:42,743 --> 01:50:44,645
[♪♪♪]
2489
01:51:01,094 --> 01:51:03,997
[♪♪♪]
2490
01:51:21,081 --> 01:51:22,983
[♪♪♪]
2491
01:51:31,992 --> 01:51:33,928
[♪♪♪]
2492
01:51:40,434 --> 01:51:42,336
[♪♪♪]
2493
01:52:06,828 --> 01:52:08,729
[MUSIC ENDS]
170632
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