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1
00:00:02,239 --> 00:00:04,039
Oh, New Yorker,
you've done it again.
2
00:00:04,239 --> 00:00:06,539
- Jay, check out this cartoon.
- Does it have a talking dog?
3
00:00:06,774 --> 00:00:08,394
- No, it's a commentary...
- I'm out!
4
00:00:08,717 --> 00:00:09,567
Here you go,
5
00:00:10,125 --> 00:00:11,544
one of my best efforts.
6
00:00:11,665 --> 00:00:12,205
Have at it.
7
00:00:12,206 --> 00:00:13,359
Mm, I can't eat that.
8
00:00:13,360 --> 00:00:15,636
- Why not?
The pickle's touching it.
9
00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:17,551
There.
10
00:00:17,552 --> 00:00:20,606
The juice got on the bread and,
ew, what's that stuff?
11
00:00:20,743 --> 00:00:22,663
- Spices.
- It looks like sea monkeys.
12
00:00:22,863 --> 00:00:25,363
Have you ever really
examined a jar of pickles, Jay?
13
00:00:25,425 --> 00:00:27,725
It's like a swamp in there.
I'll pass.
14
00:00:27,725 --> 00:00:28,325
What happened?
15
00:00:28,326 --> 00:00:30,426
I made him a beautiful sandwich,
and he won't eat it.
16
00:00:30,470 --> 00:00:32,520
Yeah, 'cause it had pickles on it.
17
00:00:32,521 --> 00:00:33,411
Joe is taking a nap.
18
00:00:33,412 --> 00:00:34,515
I'm gonna go to the dry cleaners.
19
00:00:34,516 --> 00:00:35,653
Well, if you're passing
a Sushi restaurant --
20
00:00:35,654 --> 00:00:36,492
She's not.
21
00:00:36,493 --> 00:00:38,509
I've never heard of anyone
not liking pickles.
22
00:00:38,510 --> 00:00:40,880
Aw, big day for you, then.
23
00:00:41,182 --> 00:00:43,101
I'm just gonna make myself
a grilled cheese.
24
00:00:44,519 --> 00:00:45,522
I think I saw some guyere in there
Do we have any fig?
25
00:00:45,523 --> 00:00:46,399
Sit down.
26
00:00:46,709 --> 00:00:49,501
This whole persnickety thing
is not gonna fly in the world.
27
00:00:49,701 --> 00:00:52,572
Never hand people another
reason to make fun of you.
28
00:00:52,573 --> 00:00:53,720
You mean like all the cool kids
29
00:00:53,721 --> 00:00:55,959
with their leather jackets
and their pickles?
30
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:59,919
Well, you're gonna sit there
until you at least try a pickle.
31
00:01:00,544 --> 00:01:01,871
You're drunk with power.
32
00:01:01,935 --> 00:01:03,061
You got that right.
33
00:01:13,770 --> 00:01:17,270
Synced by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg
www.addic7ed.com
34
00:01:19,201 --> 00:01:20,381
- Oh, no.
- What?
35
00:01:20,382 --> 00:01:21,739
The Tonys are coming.
36
00:01:21,740 --> 00:01:23,987
Cam, this is exactly why
I don't want you watching them --
37
00:01:23,988 --> 00:01:25,103
you're already so angry.
38
00:01:25,104 --> 00:01:28,454
Not that Tonys --
Anthony Lamarque, Botox Tony.
39
00:01:28,455 --> 00:01:30,151
They're coming to the wedding.
40
00:01:30,575 --> 00:01:33,528
But, seriously, another
revival of "Anything Goes"?
41
00:01:33,529 --> 00:01:35,223
Are we really doing this again?
42
00:01:35,224 --> 00:01:36,628
I'm surprised that
they're coming,
43
00:01:36,629 --> 00:01:39,007
because when I mentioned
the wedding to Tony,
44
00:01:39,008 --> 00:01:40,665
he seemed completely
disinterested --
45
00:01:40,666 --> 00:01:42,744
Oh, the Botox.
46
00:01:42,745 --> 00:01:43,771
Oh, no.
47
00:01:43,859 --> 00:01:45,947
Your cousin Pete,
all of his kids.
48
00:01:45,948 --> 00:01:47,973
Everyone's accepting, Mitchell!
49
00:01:47,974 --> 00:01:49,716
We haven't even gotten
the list from my dad yet.
50
00:01:49,717 --> 00:01:52,273
And your dad's friends
drink like soldiers.
51
00:01:52,274 --> 00:01:53,748
Because they were soldiers.
52
00:01:53,749 --> 00:01:56,155
I mean, I am grateful
for their service,
53
00:01:56,156 --> 00:01:58,213
but we are not gonna be able
to afford this wedding.
54
00:01:58,214 --> 00:01:59,948
Okay, maybe we need
to pull back on a few things.
55
00:01:59,949 --> 00:02:00,649
Like what?
56
00:02:00,650 --> 00:02:02,235
Uh, the centerpieces?
57
00:02:03,001 --> 00:02:04,386
Why even have a wedding?
58
00:02:04,387 --> 00:02:05,108
I don't know, Cam.
59
00:02:05,109 --> 00:02:06,431
Because we love and
respect each other
60
00:02:06,432 --> 00:02:07,810
and we're raising
a child together?
61
00:02:07,811 --> 00:02:09,377
Do you want to help or not? Ooh!
62
00:02:09,378 --> 00:02:12,425
Maybe we could send un-vitations.
Is that a thing?
63
00:02:12,426 --> 00:02:13,487
We've already made
a lot of people angry
64
00:02:13,488 --> 00:02:14,853
by just being able
to get married.
65
00:02:14,854 --> 00:02:17,215
Let's not alienate
the ones on our side.
66
00:02:17,513 --> 00:02:19,142
All right.
Maybe we could sell something.
67
00:02:19,143 --> 00:02:20,174
We're thousands over budget.
68
00:02:20,175 --> 00:02:22,383
It would have to be
something great.
69
00:02:22,471 --> 00:02:24,418
Here, you can sell
my diamond ring.
70
00:02:24,450 --> 00:02:26,254
Oh, honey, that's candy.
71
00:02:27,024 --> 00:02:28,856
I'm gonna kill that Jackson!
72
00:02:29,896 --> 00:02:31,229
I do have something of value --
73
00:02:31,230 --> 00:02:33,918
a "Spiderman vs.
Doctor Octopus" comic book.
74
00:02:33,919 --> 00:02:37,564
Issue number 3, 1963,
near-mint condition.
75
00:02:37,665 --> 00:02:39,031
It's worth 5 grand.
76
00:02:39,620 --> 00:02:41,904
I traded a football for it
when I was 9 years old,
77
00:02:41,905 --> 00:02:42,892
and my dad was mad
78
00:02:42,893 --> 00:02:45,606
because the football
was signed by Dan Marino.
79
00:02:46,474 --> 00:02:49,466
I said, "get it signed by Rita Moreno,
and I'll keep it."
80
00:02:49,751 --> 00:02:50,773
Oh, no.
81
00:02:50,941 --> 00:02:53,607
My nephews are flying in
from Tulsa -- the big ones.
82
00:02:53,608 --> 00:02:54,966
The pie eaters?
83
00:02:55,514 --> 00:02:57,330
That's it.
I got to sell my Wyatt Earp.
84
00:02:57,331 --> 00:03:01,341
This here is a belt buckle once worn
by the great Wyatt Earp.
85
00:03:01,342 --> 00:03:03,379
My grandpa gave it to me
when I was 7 years old,
86
00:03:03,380 --> 00:03:07,126
and he said,"son, this will
keep the bad guys away."
87
00:03:07,127 --> 00:03:10,883
In my early 20s, I wore it
to a cowboys-and-indians disco party.
88
00:03:11,138 --> 00:03:13,121
And let's just say it didn't.
89
00:03:14,646 --> 00:03:15,992
No. I can't let you do that.
90
00:03:15,993 --> 00:03:17,230
That means the world to you.
91
00:03:17,231 --> 00:03:19,172
Cam, I will sell my "Spider-man."
92
00:03:19,173 --> 00:03:20,759
Mitchell, my belt buckle was owned
93
00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:22,665
by a legend of the old west.
94
00:03:22,666 --> 00:03:23,732
I don't think your comic book
95
00:03:23,733 --> 00:03:25,332
would even cover
our balloon budget.
96
00:03:25,333 --> 00:03:26,797
Well, that's very offens--
97
00:03:26,798 --> 00:03:29,044
Wait. What's the balloon budget?
98
00:03:31,580 --> 00:03:34,222
Hey, mom, can we put
this stuff somewhere else?
99
00:03:34,223 --> 00:03:35,282
It's cluttering up my room.
100
00:03:35,283 --> 00:03:36,174
What is it?
101
00:03:36,350 --> 00:03:39,284
Oh, just some mementos of mine.
102
00:03:39,773 --> 00:03:40,828
A few of your dad's.
103
00:03:40,829 --> 00:03:43,018
- Oh, Zima!
- Yeah.
104
00:03:43,019 --> 00:03:44,059
What's Zima?
105
00:03:44,060 --> 00:03:45,805
Just a party in a bottle.
106
00:03:45,806 --> 00:03:48,314
Man, that reminds me
of some wild times.
107
00:03:48,890 --> 00:03:50,439
Cranking the Bjork in my Saturn
108
00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:51,896
before me and my buddies
snuck some "Z"
109
00:03:51,897 --> 00:03:53,427
into "Sleepless in Seattle."
110
00:03:53,428 --> 00:03:55,207
I wish you'd covered
my ears for that.
111
00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:58,134
Ooh, mom. Who's this hottie
with his arm around you?
112
00:03:58,135 --> 00:03:58,652
Cute!
113
00:03:58,653 --> 00:04:01,606
Oh, that's Bobby Nash,
my old boyfriend.
114
00:04:01,607 --> 00:04:03,733
Why'd you break up with him?
For dad?
115
00:04:03,734 --> 00:04:06,786
Let's just say he took his eye off
the ball and struck out.
116
00:04:06,907 --> 00:04:08,088
So I stepped up to the plate
117
00:04:08,089 --> 00:04:09,361
and nailed her
in the cheap seats.
118
00:04:09,362 --> 00:04:10,507
Yeah, let's not say that.
119
00:04:10,508 --> 00:04:11,777
Well, I'm off.
120
00:04:11,778 --> 00:04:13,636
Oh, honey, I've got to stop
by the drug store.
121
00:04:13,637 --> 00:04:14,579
Do you need anything?
122
00:04:14,580 --> 00:04:15,687
No, thank you, my dear.
123
00:04:15,688 --> 00:04:18,500
The Dunphy glands produce
all the drugs I need.
124
00:04:18,629 --> 00:04:19,831
Except for, uh, foot spray.
125
00:04:19,832 --> 00:04:21,042
Could you grab me some of that?
126
00:04:21,052 --> 00:04:21,893
Sure.
127
00:04:21,941 --> 00:04:24,624
Oh, wow, mom!
128
00:04:24,801 --> 00:04:26,453
What a dork, right?
129
00:04:26,454 --> 00:04:27,444
What were you thinking?
130
00:04:27,445 --> 00:04:30,250
It was comfortable.
My dad didn't approve.
131
00:04:30,251 --> 00:04:31,348
Enough said.
132
00:04:32,519 --> 00:04:33,794
I know it's hard to believe,
133
00:04:33,795 --> 00:04:36,681
but I was actually a bit
of a nerd back in the day.
134
00:04:36,682 --> 00:04:38,447
And it was suggested that
I was out of my league
135
00:04:38,448 --> 00:04:39,643
when I landed Claire.
136
00:04:39,644 --> 00:04:41,082
By Jay, mostly.
137
00:04:41,101 --> 00:04:43,179
And my friends.
A-and my parents.
138
00:04:44,195 --> 00:04:45,067
And Claire.
139
00:04:46,219 --> 00:04:47,253
What's this?
140
00:04:48,204 --> 00:04:48,860
Oh, my gosh.
141
00:04:48,861 --> 00:04:51,935
That is your father's answering
machine from college.
142
00:04:52,194 --> 00:04:54,971
God, I sometimes forget
how old you guys are.
143
00:04:55,855 --> 00:04:57,134
You've reached Phil's world!
144
00:04:57,135 --> 00:04:59,167
Party time! Excellent!
145
00:04:59,168 --> 00:05:00,268
Schwing!
146
00:05:00,992 --> 00:05:01,915
He's so cute.
147
00:05:01,916 --> 00:05:03,582
Hi, Phil.This is Mitchell,
148
00:05:03,583 --> 00:05:05,643
uh, Pritchett, Claire's brother.
149
00:05:05,644 --> 00:05:08,727
I just wanted to thank you
for setting me up with your cousin.
150
00:05:08,728 --> 00:05:10,544
She was very nice.
151
00:05:11,131 --> 00:05:15,602
Ooh. The only problem is
she lives kinda far, so...
152
00:05:15,715 --> 00:05:17,280
That's the only problem?
153
00:05:17,281 --> 00:05:18,775
Hey, Dunph-dog, it's Ling.
154
00:05:18,776 --> 00:05:21,010
Grab your rollerblades and meet us
at the bike path, playa!
155
00:05:21,011 --> 00:05:22,158
But I got to be done by 3:00,
156
00:05:22,159 --> 00:05:24,506
'cause today's the day
I fly my new helicopter.
157
00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:27,490
Phil, hey, it's Claire. Um...
158
00:05:27,651 --> 00:05:28,694
I need to tell you something,
159
00:05:28,695 --> 00:05:30,700
and I don't want to do it
on your machine.
160
00:05:30,942 --> 00:05:32,044
It's really important --
161
00:05:32,045 --> 00:05:34,149
- Oh, no, no, no.
- You know, life-and-death important.
162
00:05:34,150 --> 00:05:36,194
- Come on. Come on.
- Not death, um, just life.
163
00:05:36,195 --> 00:05:36,711
I mean...
164
00:05:36,712 --> 00:05:38,463
I just -- oh, hell,
I'm pregnant!
165
00:05:38,464 --> 00:05:40,082
Oh, sweet newlyweds!
166
00:05:40,083 --> 00:05:41,936
Don't worry. You don't have
to marry me or anything.
167
00:05:41,937 --> 00:05:43,504
Let's talk as soon as you can.
168
00:05:43,508 --> 00:05:45,065
Why weren't we more careful?
169
00:05:45,066 --> 00:05:46,953
Stupid Duran Duran concert.
170
00:05:46,954 --> 00:05:47,857
All right!
171
00:05:47,885 --> 00:05:48,890
That's enough.
172
00:05:49,460 --> 00:05:51,570
I was conceived at
a Duran Duran concert?
173
00:05:51,571 --> 00:05:53,525
Classy start to a classy life.
174
00:05:53,526 --> 00:05:54,774
You were not conceived
at the concert.
175
00:05:54,775 --> 00:05:56,329
It was after the concert.
176
00:05:56,330 --> 00:05:57,918
Oh, wha-- in the car?!
177
00:05:57,919 --> 00:05:59,469
It was a very nice car.
178
00:05:59,470 --> 00:06:02,440
Listen, I am done.
Stop snooping. I'm going.
179
00:06:03,785 --> 00:06:05,641
The seats folded
all the way back.
180
00:06:05,642 --> 00:06:07,060
Oh, images.
181
00:06:07,061 --> 00:06:08,065
I can't believe they kept it.
182
00:06:08,066 --> 00:06:09,118
I have a name.
183
00:06:09,119 --> 00:06:10,584
The answering machine.
184
00:06:11,717 --> 00:06:13,770
You know, we could
have some fun with this.
185
00:06:14,992 --> 00:06:16,609
I'm home!
186
00:06:16,891 --> 00:06:17,940
Hi, mom.
187
00:06:18,300 --> 00:06:21,506
Manny, what are you doing
sitting in front of a pickle?
188
00:06:21,507 --> 00:06:23,830
Jay says I can't leave
until I taste it.
189
00:06:23,855 --> 00:06:25,966
Why do you torture him like this?
190
00:06:25,967 --> 00:06:27,887
'Cause he's too stuck
in his ways, Gloria.
191
00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:29,346
This is good for him.
192
00:06:29,537 --> 00:06:31,640
He'll taste the pickle,
he'll find that he likes it,
193
00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:32,905
he'll try more things.
194
00:06:32,906 --> 00:06:34,451
This is good parenting.
195
00:06:34,452 --> 00:06:36,703
This is not going
to play well in my memoir.
196
00:06:36,704 --> 00:06:38,346
You know, you're one to talk.
197
00:06:38,347 --> 00:06:39,855
How many times
have I asked you
198
00:06:39,856 --> 00:06:41,513
to try my mother's
blood sausages?
199
00:06:41,514 --> 00:06:43,297
Totally different.
That's disgusting.
200
00:06:43,298 --> 00:06:45,565
How do you know it's disgusting
if you've never tried it?
201
00:06:45,566 --> 00:06:48,301
You've never tried grandma's
delicious blood sausage
202
00:06:48,302 --> 00:06:50,282
that's right there in the freezer?
203
00:06:50,283 --> 00:06:51,393
Oh, you're right.
204
00:06:51,394 --> 00:06:53,669
We do have some left over.
205
00:06:53,670 --> 00:06:56,207
Really? It hasn't been
all gobbled up yet?
206
00:06:56,341 --> 00:06:58,792
Okay, Mr. Father of the Year,
207
00:06:58,793 --> 00:07:03,033
time for you to show Manny
that you're not a hypocrite.
208
00:07:04,419 --> 00:07:06,609
Looks like you're
in quite a conundrum.
209
00:07:06,610 --> 00:07:07,557
You know, you could've said --
210
00:07:07,558 --> 00:07:09,805
"A pickle"!
Dang it! It was right there.
211
00:07:14,624 --> 00:07:15,372
Hello.
212
00:07:15,373 --> 00:07:16,372
Hi. Can I help you?
213
00:07:16,373 --> 00:07:16,879
Uh, yes.
214
00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:18,338
Um, I have something
pretty special
215
00:07:18,339 --> 00:07:19,949
that means the world to me,
216
00:07:19,950 --> 00:07:22,592
yet I gladly part with it to prove
my love for my fiance?
217
00:07:22,593 --> 00:07:24,264
- Cam, you don't have to --
- I do.
218
00:07:24,839 --> 00:07:26,818
This is a belt buckle
that was once owned
219
00:07:26,819 --> 00:07:29,359
by the legendary Wyatt Earp.
220
00:07:29,586 --> 00:07:31,366
And when my grandfather
gave it to me
221
00:07:31,367 --> 00:07:34,759
God rest his soul, he said:
"son, this here is, um--
222
00:07:35,712 --> 00:07:38,512
- Ok?
- I can't be here for this. You do it.
223
00:07:39,044 --> 00:07:40,976
And get a price
on that divine lamp.
224
00:07:42,772 --> 00:07:43,875
Um, anyway...
225
00:07:43,876 --> 00:07:45,152
Look, I didn't want
to say anything
226
00:07:45,153 --> 00:07:45,930
in front of your fiance?
227
00:07:45,931 --> 00:07:47,351
But this is a cheap replica
228
00:07:47,352 --> 00:07:49,668
given away by
a gas-station chain in the '60s.
229
00:07:49,669 --> 00:07:51,496
There's tons of them out there.
230
00:07:51,497 --> 00:07:52,652
It's worth about 20 bucks.
231
00:07:52,653 --> 00:07:53,842
Are you sure?
232
00:07:56,385 --> 00:07:57,318
Pretty sure.
233
00:07:58,767 --> 00:08:00,427
That family loves
to dress up a story.
234
00:08:00,805 --> 00:08:01,866
And a pig.
235
00:08:02,093 --> 00:08:03,848
Well, how about
a first-edition number 3
236
00:08:03,849 --> 00:08:07,197
"Spider-man Versus Doctor Octopus"
in near-mint condition?
237
00:08:08,915 --> 00:08:10,074
Keep talking.
238
00:08:10,194 --> 00:08:11,086
That...
239
00:08:12,024 --> 00:08:13,512
Uh, uh, that's pretty much it.
240
00:08:16,433 --> 00:08:17,783
Why isn't she calling?
241
00:08:17,941 --> 00:08:19,640
Aren't you the doubter?
242
00:08:19,866 --> 00:08:21,822
She'll call in three...
243
00:08:22,518 --> 00:08:24,211
Two-o-o-o...
244
00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:25,913
One! One's next!
245
00:08:25,914 --> 00:08:26,830
Yeah.
246
00:08:26,859 --> 00:08:28,956
Oh, oh! Shh, shh.
Press record.
247
00:08:30,900 --> 00:08:31,809
Hi, mom.
248
00:08:31,810 --> 00:08:32,967
Haley, honey,
249
00:08:32,968 --> 00:08:34,650
did you mean to send
this text to your dad?
250
00:08:34,651 --> 00:08:36,304
Text? What does it say?
251
00:08:37,770 --> 00:08:40,091
"I hate to spoil your golf game, but..."
252
00:08:40,900 --> 00:08:43,276
Uh, no, no.
I-I didn't send that.
253
00:08:43,277 --> 00:08:46,292
Must have accidentally dictated
when you and dad were talking.
254
00:08:46,293 --> 00:08:47,725
Okay. That's weird.
255
00:08:47,726 --> 00:08:49,083
Well, while I have you
on the phone,
256
00:08:49,084 --> 00:08:50,950
would you mind emptying
the dishwasher and doing --
257
00:08:50,951 --> 00:08:52,184
Oh, you're breaking up.
258
00:08:52,304 --> 00:08:53,252
Haley, can you hear me now?
259
00:08:53,253 --> 00:08:54,394
Nope. Bye.
260
00:08:54,528 --> 00:08:56,391
- Got it.
- Told you we'd get it.
261
00:08:56,392 --> 00:08:58,457
Now just for a little
creative editing...
262
00:09:00,089 --> 00:09:01,807
Your mind is so brilliant.
263
00:09:01,808 --> 00:09:03,447
If you put this much effort
into your schoolwork,
264
00:09:03,448 --> 00:09:04,779
there is no telling
the things you could --
265
00:09:04,780 --> 00:09:06,486
Why do you have
to ruin everything?
266
00:09:06,487 --> 00:09:08,898
I know, she's always
talking about my potential.
267
00:09:13,246 --> 00:09:14,330
Fore!
268
00:09:15,510 --> 00:09:16,307
Do you think I hit her?
269
00:09:16,308 --> 00:09:17,546
Nah, she's fine.
270
00:09:18,956 --> 00:09:20,722
Sorry I'm so distracted today.
271
00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:21,818
What's wrong, buddy?
272
00:09:23,292 --> 00:09:24,608
Let me ask you something.
273
00:09:24,609 --> 00:09:25,936
Do -- do you ever get the sense
274
00:09:25,937 --> 00:09:27,754
that your wife feels like
she could have done better?
275
00:09:27,755 --> 00:09:30,296
God, no. Nah, she's
the luckiest woman on earth.
276
00:09:30,297 --> 00:09:31,819
I mean, if anything,
I could've done better.
277
00:09:31,820 --> 00:09:33,931
The noises that come out
of that woman at night?
278
00:09:33,932 --> 00:09:36,401
It's like she's that black guy
from "Police Academy."
279
00:09:36,402 --> 00:09:37,707
Oh, speak of the devil.
280
00:09:37,708 --> 00:09:40,029
Message from my wife, not
the black guy from "Police Academy."
281
00:09:40,030 --> 00:09:41,284
Oh, that'd be so awesome.
282
00:09:41,285 --> 00:09:42,419
That would be neat.
283
00:09:42,549 --> 00:09:43,374
Hey, it's Claire.
284
00:09:43,375 --> 00:09:46,902
Um, I hate to spoil your golf game,
but... I'm pregnant!
285
00:09:46,903 --> 00:09:47,498
What?
286
00:09:47,499 --> 00:09:48,939
Let's talk as soon as you can.
287
00:09:50,370 --> 00:09:51,381
I have to leave.
288
00:09:51,382 --> 00:09:52,984
What?
We're in the middle of a game.
289
00:09:52,985 --> 00:09:54,335
I have to be with Claire!
290
00:09:54,487 --> 00:09:55,656
Oh -- my clubs!
291
00:09:58,139 --> 00:09:59,131
My hat!
292
00:10:01,215 --> 00:10:02,471
My sandwich!
293
00:10:08,617 --> 00:10:09,794
I'm sorry I freaked out in there.
294
00:10:09,795 --> 00:10:11,136
How -- how much did we get for it?
295
00:10:11,137 --> 00:10:13,406
You know, here.
I couldn't do it.
296
00:10:13,407 --> 00:10:14,315
- What?
- No.
297
00:10:14,315 --> 00:10:15,987
This belt buckle means
so much to you.
298
00:10:15,988 --> 00:10:18,651
I'm just gonna -- I am going
to sell my comic book instead.
299
00:10:18,652 --> 00:10:20,602
Oh, Mitchell,
that is so sweet. You know --
300
00:10:20,846 --> 00:10:23,345
the idea of me parting ways
with a belt buckle
301
00:10:23,346 --> 00:10:26,519
that my grandfather
arm-wrestled Wyatt Earp for --
302
00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:28,010
He arm-wrestled him?
303
00:10:28,011 --> 00:10:29,689
Oh, yeah, but not
in a contentious way.
304
00:10:29,690 --> 00:10:30,850
You know,
they were friends.
305
00:10:30,851 --> 00:10:32,980
My grandfather saved his life
during a train robbery.
306
00:10:32,981 --> 00:10:34,523
A -- a train robbery?
That's -- wow.
307
00:10:34,524 --> 00:10:35,922
- Cam, wow!
- Yeah.
308
00:10:35,923 --> 00:10:37,280
They had a real bond.
309
00:10:37,281 --> 00:10:39,946
The great Wyatt Earp
and Honest Abe Tucker.
310
00:10:41,964 --> 00:10:45,252
I have it, I'll store it,
and if I need to, I will use it.
311
00:10:48,762 --> 00:10:49,601
You know what? I quit.
312
00:10:49,602 --> 00:10:51,704
Pardon me for trying
to broaden his horizons.
313
00:10:51,705 --> 00:10:53,047
No, no, no.
You're not quitting anything.
314
00:10:53,048 --> 00:10:54,150
You're going to eat your sausage,
315
00:10:54,151 --> 00:10:55,720
and you're going to eat your pickle.
316
00:10:55,721 --> 00:10:58,819
I am tired of every day
cooking two different meals.
317
00:10:58,820 --> 00:11:02,033
No tomatoes.
White meat only. Extra bacon.
318
00:11:02,034 --> 00:11:03,825
He gets extra bacon?
What the hell?
319
00:11:03,826 --> 00:11:07,100
Today is the day you two
are stopping this silliness!
320
00:11:07,101 --> 00:11:09,743
Fine, we'll all conquer
something today.
321
00:11:09,744 --> 00:11:12,249
What do I have to conquer?
I eat everything.
322
00:11:12,903 --> 00:11:14,746
- Pet Stella's belly.
- What?
323
00:11:14,813 --> 00:11:16,623
You won't touch Stella's belly.
324
00:11:16,624 --> 00:11:18,827
Yeah, because it's
the creepiest thing ever.
325
00:11:18,828 --> 00:11:20,269
Has like 30 nipples.
326
00:11:20,270 --> 00:11:23,240
I'll eat the blood sausage,
Manny eats the pickles,
327
00:11:23,811 --> 00:11:25,018
you pet her belly.
328
00:11:25,019 --> 00:11:26,250
I'd rather eat the dog.
329
00:11:26,251 --> 00:11:27,868
Don't be a hypocrite.
330
00:11:28,290 --> 00:11:30,345
Nice and long,
like you mean it.
331
00:11:30,346 --> 00:11:32,583
I want to see that leg shake.
332
00:11:43,743 --> 00:11:45,264
- Let me get these!
- What's happening?
333
00:11:45,265 --> 00:11:47,021
- I'm just so happy!
- Really?
334
00:11:47,022 --> 00:11:49,243
- Oh, did you finally get a hole in one?
- A hole in one.
335
00:11:49,244 --> 00:11:51,440
I hope our baby has
your sense of humor.
336
00:11:51,441 --> 00:11:53,129
- Our what?
- Why didn't I see it?
337
00:11:53,130 --> 00:11:54,731
The drug store,
the bloated ankles,
338
00:11:54,732 --> 00:11:55,876
you've been so moody lately...
339
00:11:55,877 --> 00:11:57,001
What are you talking about?
340
00:11:57,002 --> 00:11:57,837
There it is.
341
00:11:57,838 --> 00:11:59,396
Phil, I am not pregnant.
342
00:11:59,773 --> 00:12:00,660
- You're not?
- No.
343
00:12:00,661 --> 00:12:01,812
Well, why'd you leave me
that message?
344
00:12:01,813 --> 00:12:02,753
Didn't leave you a message.
345
00:12:02,754 --> 00:12:04,386
Are you sure? You're very
forgetful when you're pregnant.
346
00:12:04,387 --> 00:12:05,844
I think I would remember!
347
00:12:05,845 --> 00:12:06,868
Then why have you
been so moody?
348
00:12:06,869 --> 00:12:09,215
Maybe because you just
told me I have giant ankles!
349
00:12:09,216 --> 00:12:11,488
Shh, I don't want him
to hear us fight like this.
350
00:12:11,489 --> 00:12:12,449
Give me this.
351
00:12:16,060 --> 00:12:17,736
Okay. This is gonna be
good for everybody,
352
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:18,643
so let's get it over with.
353
00:12:18,644 --> 00:12:19,857
- Fine.
- Okay.
354
00:12:19,858 --> 00:12:21,157
We'll go on the count of three.
355
00:12:21,969 --> 00:12:22,911
One...
356
00:12:23,549 --> 00:12:24,420
Two...
357
00:12:25,470 --> 00:12:26,382
Three.
358
00:12:28,147 --> 00:12:29,289
- Uh!
- Oh, no!
359
00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:30,306
I'm gonna throw up!
360
00:12:30,307 --> 00:12:33,175
Why so moist, Jay?! Why?!
361
00:12:35,997 --> 00:12:37,127
Is this a bad time?
362
00:12:40,614 --> 00:12:42,298
Sorry to barge in here like this.
363
00:12:42,299 --> 00:12:45,583
I guess it's weird that, uh,
I'm still storing stuff here.
364
00:12:45,584 --> 00:12:47,149
I just wish you would
have come in sooner
365
00:12:47,150 --> 00:12:49,888
before I went
to second base with Stella.
366
00:12:50,278 --> 00:12:51,656
All right, I'll be two minutes.
367
00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:52,995
If you need money
for the wedding,
368
00:12:52,996 --> 00:12:54,617
why sell something that you love?
369
00:12:54,618 --> 00:12:55,966
Why don't you just ask Jay?
370
00:12:55,967 --> 00:12:56,631
No. No. No. No.
371
00:12:56,632 --> 00:12:57,847
Why not?
He's your father.
372
00:12:57,848 --> 00:12:59,973
I don't feel right asking
my dad for money, okay?
373
00:12:59,974 --> 00:13:02,891
I'm an adult,
and I have my comic book.
374
00:13:04,134 --> 00:13:07,012
I hate to spoil your golf game,
but... I'm pregnant!
375
00:13:07,013 --> 00:13:08,213
Let's talk as soon as you can.
376
00:13:08,214 --> 00:13:08,940
Oh, they are good.
377
00:13:08,941 --> 00:13:10,748
I can't believe they pulled
such an elaborate stunt.
378
00:13:10,749 --> 00:13:12,591
I don't know whether
to be angry or impressed.
379
00:13:12,592 --> 00:13:13,806
It's so diabolical.
380
00:13:13,807 --> 00:13:15,474
- I don't know where they get that fr--
- Wait. Wait. Wait.
381
00:13:15,575 --> 00:13:17,577
We could really have
some fun with this.
382
00:13:19,511 --> 00:13:20,134
You know, it's funny,
383
00:13:20,135 --> 00:13:22,110
I never saw you
as a comic-book guy.
384
00:13:22,111 --> 00:13:23,839
Oh, no, I wasn't,
but I don't know.
385
00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:24,861
Spider-man --
386
00:13:25,234 --> 00:13:26,600
he -- he spoke to me.
387
00:13:26,601 --> 00:13:28,812
I -- I think it's because
it's about this nerdy kid
388
00:13:28,813 --> 00:13:31,199
who has this special
secret side of himself
389
00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:32,969
that he can't share
with anybody, and --
390
00:13:32,970 --> 00:13:34,685
and that's how I always felt.
391
00:13:35,402 --> 00:13:37,781
Spider-man made me feel
like it was okay to be different.
392
00:13:37,782 --> 00:13:40,986
And... It made me fee
tough enough to --
393
00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:42,381
to get through the rough times.
394
00:13:42,382 --> 00:13:43,409
Oh, Mitchell, that's so sweet.
395
00:13:43,410 --> 00:13:44,060
I didn't know that.
396
00:13:44,061 --> 00:13:45,386
Are you sure you want to sell it?
397
00:13:45,387 --> 00:13:46,379
Yes, yes.
398
00:13:46,380 --> 00:13:48,832
Because, like Spider-man
I am brave and strong.
399
00:13:49,678 --> 00:13:51,062
Oh! Spider web! Spider web!
Mitchell.
400
00:13:51,468 --> 00:13:52,471
It's in my mouth.
401
00:13:52,572 --> 00:13:54,175
- Oh, Mitchell!
- What?! Oh!
402
00:13:54,176 --> 00:13:56,512
No! No! Oh, no!
403
00:13:58,129 --> 00:13:59,596
Give me a break, Phil!
404
00:13:59,597 --> 00:14:00,525
What do you want from me?!
405
00:14:00,526 --> 00:14:02,050
- Shh!
- I didn't say anything.
406
00:14:02,051 --> 00:14:03,540
A little compassion when
you thought I was pregnant
407
00:14:03,541 --> 00:14:04,809
would have been nice!
408
00:14:05,258 --> 00:14:07,309
I'm sorry.
It was a knee-jerk reaction.
409
00:14:07,310 --> 00:14:08,973
You got that half right!
410
00:14:09,336 --> 00:14:11,450
Well, you're not pregnant,
anyway, so who cares?!
411
00:14:11,451 --> 00:14:13,114
And what did I say
that was so terrible?!
412
00:14:13,115 --> 00:14:15,481
Well, I believe
your exact words were,
413
00:14:15,482 --> 00:14:17,888
"great, another kid
that we can screw up."
414
00:14:17,974 --> 00:14:20,595
Well, I'm sorry,
but we both know it's true.
415
00:14:20,695 --> 00:14:22,695
Wait, are you saying that we never
should have had them in the first place?
416
00:14:22,895 --> 00:14:24,095
Like you never said that!
417
00:14:24,295 --> 00:14:26,695
This is awful. Is this what
you thought was gonna happen?
418
00:14:26,895 --> 00:14:28,038
I can't think that far ahead.
419
00:14:28,039 --> 00:14:29,064
I never do. You know that.
420
00:14:29,065 --> 00:14:30,197
You should've stopped me!
421
00:14:30,198 --> 00:14:31,575
You said this was
going to be fun!
422
00:14:31,576 --> 00:14:33,153
Nobody is having fun!
423
00:14:33,154 --> 00:14:34,606
Careful?! Please, Phil!
424
00:14:34,607 --> 00:14:36,032
If you hadn't
gotten me pregnant,
425
00:14:36,033 --> 00:14:37,275
I never would have
married you!
426
00:14:37,276 --> 00:14:38,733
I would have married Bobby Nash!
427
00:14:38,734 --> 00:14:39,997
- You would?!
- Oh, yeah!
428
00:14:39,998 --> 00:14:43,351
And right now, I would be
on my 100-acre ranch in Aspen
429
00:14:43,352 --> 00:14:46,124
with my strapping
6'4" hedge-fund husband!
430
00:14:46,125 --> 00:14:47,357
You really wish
you'd married Bobby?
431
00:14:47,358 --> 00:14:49,192
Oh, every single day!
432
00:14:53,730 --> 00:14:54,804
No, Phil.
433
00:14:55,675 --> 00:14:56,526
Dad, are you okay?
434
00:14:56,527 --> 00:14:57,444
Yep.
435
00:14:58,126 --> 00:14:59,751
That's what I am
to everyone around here.
436
00:14:59,751 --> 00:15:01,164
- Mom...
- Just "okay."
437
00:15:01,165 --> 00:15:02,181
- Phil!
- Hey, mom?
438
00:15:02,182 --> 00:15:03,697
Not now. Phil!
439
00:15:04,987 --> 00:15:07,297
You guys hear that?
We totally got them!
440
00:15:08,405 --> 00:15:10,337
Quick!
We need a blow dryer!
441
00:15:10,338 --> 00:15:12,091
Is this some sort
of gay emergency?
442
00:15:12,092 --> 00:15:14,114
No, dad, it's not a gay emergency!
It's my comic book.
443
00:15:14,115 --> 00:15:15,976
We need to -- ohh, God!
444
00:15:15,977 --> 00:15:16,889
It's ruined.
445
00:15:16,890 --> 00:15:17,795
Mitchell, it's okay.
446
00:15:17,796 --> 00:15:19,533
It probably wasn't worth
that much anyway.
447
00:15:19,534 --> 00:15:22,076
It was worth $5,000!
Your belt buckle is garbage.
448
00:15:22,077 --> 00:15:23,160
It came from a gas station!
449
00:15:23,161 --> 00:15:25,022
Your grandfather
never met Wyatt Earp!
450
00:15:26,110 --> 00:15:29,250
I didn't hold on to that
for quite as long as I thought.
451
00:15:29,671 --> 00:15:30,678
Hey, I'm sorry.
452
00:15:30,679 --> 00:15:33,030
I -- I didn't mean
to blurt it out like that.
453
00:15:33,031 --> 00:15:34,308
No, it's -- it's okay.
454
00:15:34,309 --> 00:15:36,769
I -- I kinda suspected
the dates didn't line up.
455
00:15:37,004 --> 00:15:39,718
Now I'm starting to think that
wasn't Amelia Earhart's compass.
456
00:15:40,416 --> 00:15:44,236
I'm so sorry, but I am sure
that Jay can help you two out.
457
00:15:44,237 --> 00:15:45,385
No, no, no, no, no.
458
00:15:45,386 --> 00:15:46,528
We want to do this on our own.
459
00:15:46,529 --> 00:15:48,006
Can I ask you a question?
460
00:15:48,594 --> 00:15:51,081
Why are you having
such a big thing anyway?
461
00:15:51,082 --> 00:15:53,126
Well, because we're only
getting married once.
462
00:15:53,127 --> 00:15:56,067
I'm just saying, why do you need
to make into a spectacle?
463
00:15:56,068 --> 00:15:56,925
A s-- a spectacle?
464
00:15:56,926 --> 00:15:59,154
This could be the universe's
way of telling you
465
00:15:59,155 --> 00:16:00,562
to bring it down a notch.
466
00:16:00,563 --> 00:16:02,843
Invite your family,
your friend Pepper,
467
00:16:02,844 --> 00:16:05,017
and, what's his name,
the -- the -- the flouncy one?
468
00:16:05,018 --> 00:16:05,846
Uh, L'David.
469
00:16:05,847 --> 00:16:08,482
I don't have a flouncy friend
named L'David, dad.
470
00:16:08,483 --> 00:16:10,175
Do -- do you mean
L'Michael or J'Marcus?
471
00:16:10,176 --> 00:16:11,550
I'm not sure who
you're referring to.
472
00:16:11,551 --> 00:16:12,128
Whatever.
473
00:16:12,129 --> 00:16:13,790
I'm just saying keep it small.
474
00:16:13,965 --> 00:16:16,686
Why pay all that money
for people you barely know?
475
00:16:16,687 --> 00:16:17,943
Oh, oh, you mean like
any of your friends?
476
00:16:17,944 --> 00:16:20,297
Oh, please, you don't want
any of my friends there.
477
00:16:20,298 --> 00:16:21,079
Really? Because I've --
478
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:22,782
I've been asking
for a list for months now.
479
00:16:22,783 --> 00:16:24,406
So, so who doesn't
want them there --
480
00:16:24,407 --> 00:16:25,715
me or you?
481
00:16:25,716 --> 00:16:26,819
Why are you getting upset?
482
00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:28,767
Because, dad, if --
if this was Claire's wedding,
483
00:16:28,768 --> 00:16:29,800
you would be all over it.
484
00:16:29,801 --> 00:16:31,598
You'd be wanting
to have it at your club.
485
00:16:31,599 --> 00:16:32,806
You'd be inviting all your friends.
486
00:16:32,807 --> 00:16:33,545
Oh, please!
487
00:16:33,546 --> 00:16:35,877
I wasn't that thrilled when
Claire got married, either.
488
00:16:35,878 --> 00:16:38,217
"Either"?
For God's sake, just stop talking.
489
00:16:38,218 --> 00:16:39,642
Everybody back off.
490
00:16:39,681 --> 00:16:40,945
I don't think I'm out of line
491
00:16:40,946 --> 00:16:42,997
suggesting my friends
don't want to see
492
00:16:42,998 --> 00:16:44,888
a father-son dance
at a big gay wedding.
493
00:16:44,889 --> 00:16:47,049
There is no father-son dance, dad.
494
00:16:47,050 --> 00:16:48,190
I don't know what
things go on there.
495
00:16:48,191 --> 00:16:49,640
Do I walk you down the aisle?
496
00:16:49,641 --> 00:16:51,192
Does someone throw a bouquet?
497
00:16:51,193 --> 00:16:53,561
I mean, I'm just saying,
I don't know how this stuff plays out
498
00:16:53,562 --> 00:16:54,754
with my guys from the club.
499
00:16:54,755 --> 00:16:56,338
Oh, you mean the guys who
sit around the locker room
500
00:16:56,339 --> 00:16:57,622
watching football naked?
501
00:16:57,623 --> 00:16:59,566
No! No! See, this --
this isn't about them.
502
00:16:59,567 --> 00:17:00,540
This is about you.
503
00:17:00,541 --> 00:17:02,203
You are the one that's
uncomfortable here.
504
00:17:02,204 --> 00:17:04,821
Fine. I admit it. This whole
wedding thing is weird to me.
505
00:17:05,857 --> 00:17:07,301
Now, see, why
do you get to be you,
506
00:17:07,302 --> 00:17:08,719
but I don't get to be me?
507
00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:10,461
See, I didn't choose
to be uncomfortable.
508
00:17:10,462 --> 00:17:11,436
I was born this way.
509
00:17:11,437 --> 00:17:12,747
Are you really
throwing a gay anthem
510
00:17:12,748 --> 00:17:13,831
in our face right now?
511
00:17:13,832 --> 00:17:15,000
Oh, damn it.
Give me some credit.
512
00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:16,551
You know how far I've come.
513
00:17:16,552 --> 00:17:19,015
I mean, what more
do you want from me?
514
00:17:19,016 --> 00:17:20,310
You know what, dad?
Y-you do.
515
00:17:20,311 --> 00:17:21,344
You do get to be you.
516
00:17:21,429 --> 00:17:23,534
If -- if it really makes you
that uncomfortable, then...
517
00:17:24,602 --> 00:17:25,959
Don't come to the wedding.
518
00:17:27,146 --> 00:17:27,649
Mitchell...
519
00:17:27,650 --> 00:17:29,821
No! No, see?
We're scaling back already.
520
00:17:35,402 --> 00:17:36,808
Phil, honey...
521
00:17:37,655 --> 00:17:38,571
What happened down there?
522
00:17:38,572 --> 00:17:39,489
You attacked me.
523
00:17:39,490 --> 00:17:41,588
In a fun way.
We were both doing it.
524
00:17:42,216 --> 00:17:43,540
I heard you this morning,
525
00:17:43,659 --> 00:17:45,609
talking about your super-cute
boyfriend Bobby,
526
00:17:45,610 --> 00:17:47,079
saying that I was
the "comfortable" choice,
527
00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:48,883
that you only married me
because your dad hated it.
528
00:17:48,884 --> 00:17:49,925
No, sweetheart.
529
00:17:49,926 --> 00:17:51,611
I was not talking about you.
530
00:17:51,612 --> 00:17:53,739
I was explaining to the girls
531
00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:56,899
about an outfit that
I was wearing in a picture
532
00:17:56,900 --> 00:18:01,224
that was the comfortable choice
that my dad hated.
533
00:18:01,225 --> 00:18:01,892
Oh, honey.
534
00:18:01,893 --> 00:18:04,207
You can't possibly think
that's why I married you.
535
00:18:04,208 --> 00:18:06,136
Okay, I -- I get it
a-about your dad.
536
00:18:06,137 --> 00:18:08,675
I -- I -- sometimes I do wonder,
you know,
537
00:18:08,676 --> 00:18:10,220
if you hadn't gotten pregnant...
538
00:18:10,395 --> 00:18:11,895
- Would we even be here right now?
- Yeah.
539
00:18:11,896 --> 00:18:13,966
Well, I wonder the same thing, too.
540
00:18:14,706 --> 00:18:15,206
You do?
541
00:18:15,207 --> 00:18:16,841
Yes. All the time.
542
00:18:16,842 --> 00:18:17,926
Just last week,
543
00:18:17,927 --> 00:18:21,004
you and the kids were outside
washing the car,
544
00:18:21,005 --> 00:18:22,846
and you got in that soap battle
545
00:18:22,847 --> 00:18:25,659
and everybody was
running around laughing.
546
00:18:25,768 --> 00:18:28,618
And I stood there
at the kitchen window,
547
00:18:29,444 --> 00:18:32,053
and I was thinking
how lucky I am.
548
00:18:32,614 --> 00:18:34,140
'Cause I would have
missed all of this
549
00:18:34,141 --> 00:18:35,509
if I hadn't married you.
550
00:18:35,711 --> 00:18:38,046
I knew you were watching.
That's why I dropped the sponge.
551
00:18:39,186 --> 00:18:41,170
That's what got my attention
in the first place.
552
00:18:41,263 --> 00:18:43,483
You really don't regret
not marrying Bobby Nash?
553
00:18:43,484 --> 00:18:44,149
No.
554
00:18:44,150 --> 00:18:45,940
He was cute,
but he was boring.
555
00:18:45,941 --> 00:18:47,741
He never once
made me laugh.
556
00:18:47,742 --> 00:18:49,284
You laugh at me all the time.
557
00:18:49,706 --> 00:18:50,752
I do.
558
00:18:53,310 --> 00:18:55,793
I liked how happy you were when
you thought I was pregnant.
559
00:18:56,434 --> 00:18:57,624
Of course I was.
560
00:19:04,325 --> 00:19:06,075
Do you think you could
pick that up for me?
561
00:19:06,525 --> 00:19:07,579
I don't know.
562
00:19:08,961 --> 00:19:10,656
It's so far down here.
563
00:19:10,782 --> 00:19:11,947
Schwing!
564
00:19:12,434 --> 00:19:14,252
See? I told you
they were gonna be fine.
565
00:19:16,595 --> 00:19:17,642
- Door lock!
- Run!
566
00:19:17,643 --> 00:19:19,193
Go! Go! Go! Go!
567
00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:24,085
Hey, Phil, it's Mitchell,
Claire's brother.
568
00:19:24,209 --> 00:19:27,379
I heard about your and Claire's
whole pregnancy situation,
569
00:19:27,380 --> 00:19:30,510
and I'm -- I'm sorry my dad
didn't have a better reaction.
570
00:19:31,173 --> 00:19:32,292
Don't take it personally.
571
00:19:32,293 --> 00:19:33,409
He's just like that.
572
00:19:33,410 --> 00:19:34,492
He'll -- he'll come around.
573
00:19:34,493 --> 00:19:35,534
And if not...
574
00:19:36,535 --> 00:19:37,461
Well...
575
00:19:37,724 --> 00:19:38,850
his loss.
576
00:19:39,810 --> 00:19:42,547
Yeah, okay, anyway, uh,
now that we're gonna be family,
577
00:19:42,548 --> 00:19:43,971
it's -- it's probably
a little weird for me
578
00:19:43,972 --> 00:19:44,683
to date your cousin,
579
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:48,625
so maybe you could ask her
to stop paging me?
580
00:19:50,498 --> 00:19:51,360
It's so crazy.
581
00:19:51,361 --> 00:19:54,042
I know.
Uncle Mitchell with a pager.
582
00:19:59,956 --> 00:20:01,828
No, Stella.
Okay? No!
583
00:20:09,643 --> 00:20:11,335
Stella, I said no.
584
00:20:17,103 --> 00:20:18,026
You...
585
00:20:19,301 --> 00:20:21,219
Okay, but just this time, okay?
586
00:20:21,750 --> 00:20:23,652
And you keep
your mouth shut about this.
587
00:20:30,057 --> 00:20:31,003
Who's there?
588
00:20:31,203 --> 00:20:35,003
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9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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