All language subtitles for Yesterday.Never.Ends-4_English

"Sunday April 9th 2017"

"Leo messi wins
his 10th golden ball"

At 6:15 am this morning
an explosion was heard in o/iet,

the nearest city to the airport.

When the police and firemen arrived
the statue inaugurated in march 2011

was almost destroyed.

Nothing could be done
but put out the few flames.

The remnants of
"the fabra statue"

spread within a 2 km radius.

Nobody was injured

and no one claimed responsibility
for the attack, one of the many blasts

that occurred over the last years

in the most emblematic places
of the crisis.

We woke up with some news
that set all the alarm bells ringing.

The European central bank
refused Spain its third rescue.

The unemployment rate reached
7 million, 380 thousand more...

The falling gdp alarming figures,

the weak growth forecast for 2018

and the bundestag opposition

are the reasons brought
by the European institution

to deny some breathing space
to the Spanish state.

Today we Spaniards woke up

a bit poorer, if that's possible,
a bit more humiliated

and, of course, much wearier.

The future is still unknown,

ten years after the 2007 crisis

plunged the country in a deadlock
from which we can't step out.

With untrustworthy political
parties engaged in internal strife,

even the more
conservative experts

defend a radical change
in the economic model structure,

but nobody is able to take control
and lay the foundations

so that this can be done.

Sports: Barca is willing

to pay up to 120 million
of the former euro

for the crimean player

vasi/ikoff, a new record
in the transfer market.

Yesterday never ends

Hello?

Hello?

There's no one here?

Nobody...

- You've got here early.
- Yes, there wasn't much traffic.

And the plane arrived on time.

How windy it is, eh?

Yes.

Have you got this kind of wind
over there?

Over there? Yes.

Yes...

Well, sometimes.

Not always.

I don't know why I always
imagine Germany as windy.

Windy and with grey skies.
Lead grey.

Not where I live.

It's very green.
Trees and all that.

Lots of parks...

How nice...

You haven't changed.

Don't get too close.

It arrived
the day before yesterday.

I wasn't sure that it would arrive
in time.

Yes.

I could fix things so that I could come.

Luckily.

Luckily.

I called you, but you didn't answer.
I decided to come.

- You called me?
- Yes.

You didn't usually phone,
you've changed.

I came because of the letter.

A letter seemed more appropriate.

Now that nobody writes them.

More in earnest.

- An email didn't seem to be...
- Yes, it is.

More in earnest. More...

Did you go...?

- No.
- No?

You know...

We've spoken about it a lot.

Listen... there's nobody here.

I don't know.

There's nobody here.

They're moving everybody out.

Almost everyone
is in the new place.

The official is coming with
the papers, he was tied up.

We're going to be
the only ones who...?

Actually we're the last ones.

This is a disgrace.

This is a disgrace!

What? That we're the last ones?

That... well.

That they're
moving people out... no?

You've been away a long time.

What do you mean by that?

Here and now, it's normal.

Not here or anywhere it's normal.

I no longer know
what is normal or not.

You and I here?
Chatting as if it were normal.

Talking about the wind.

About grey skies.

Orwhether I have

more or fewer
wrinkles than before.

Son of a bitch.

I think you look good.
Seriously.

It's very nice of you.
Even if you're not sincere.

Bastard.

Coward.

Shhbag.

I'm sincere.

You also look good.

Thank you.

I like yourjacket.
Is it a Hugo boss?

Yes, Hugo boss.

It makes you...

Hunky.

Formal. Manly.

Mature.

Alpha male?

- That's it.
- Thanks for saying it.

When we went clothes shopping
together I always...

Looked at your face to know
whether I should buy something.

You're doing ok without me.

Well.

I changed clothes five times
before choosing this outfit,

but... well, six really.

Oh, well.

So, you've arranged to meet
someone here about...?

There's no arranged time.

They'll let me know
when they're about to get here.

Oh, I thought...

Both our signatures are needed.

But they didn't know when exactly.
They'll call me.

Of course.

Both our signatures.

I find this...

-Very difficult. We”...

- Let's see what the options are...
- No. This.

- I mean all this. You and me. Here.
- Yes.

That we have to be here after...

I don't know anything about you.

You don't know anything
about my life.

And I don't know what to say.
And... I need to pee.

I am peeing myself.

I think there's a toilet over there...

I'll be right back.

Yes?

She's here.

No, she's gone to the toilet.

We're waiting...

Yes. We're waiting.

On your behalf of course.

I'll call you
when I know something.

Ok? Bye.

What a relief...

So, you think I haven't changed...

Well, yes. You have changed.

Yes.

You're more...

Goonm

well... you've matured.

In a spiritual sense.

You're more mature. Wiser.

- Yes.
- Oh, yes?

Here's hoping...

I'm glad to see you.

Seriously.

I was thinking all the way here:

"What will she look like?"

"Will she still hate me?"

"Will she ever have hated me?"

"Can poison
be stronger than thirst?"

"And mimosas?"

"Will she remember that
every February I went mad..."

"Trying to find her a bunch before
the florists' ran out of them?"

Or that boring dinner...

When we couldn't stop touching
each other under the table.

When I touched herfoot...

Years later
when we were together

and I said astonished,
because I really was astonished,

that I still got a hard-on
by just touching her foot.

"Look what you do to me",
I said to her.

Where is that moment?

When you look
at someone you love...

And would drown in their eyes
because you only want to be there.

The house we went one summer

and what we said.

The promises.

The promises that...

I said to her:

"I'll fight for you."

"Whatever happens
I'll fight for you."

And I remembered

the first time that I saw you.

The first time?

I thought about the last time.

I hope that you're glad
to see me, too.

Do you know what I find strange?

What?

It's such a pain
when things happen

when you don't really need them.

Do you mean me?

As well.

So you mean that...

It doesn't matter to you
that I'm here?

- I didn't say that.
- Yes, you did.

- But it wasn't what I meant to say.
- Ok.

You mean to say...

That you don't need me anymore.

Of course not.

All right.

Don't be upset, it's positive.

Stop needing something.

Be able to do without something.
Someone.

Besides, isn't that what women
always get blamed for?

- You neverdepended on me.
- Never.

Well, are you glad
that I'm here or not?

Let's go outside?

All right.

- Leave it there.
- Yes.

The wind is lessening.

Yes.

I'm glad that you're here.

That we are here.

That we have to be here now.
Together.

Cast away in the sea.
80 as to speak.

You feel like that?
Cast away in the sea?

In a way.

In which way?

Well like... cast away... whatever.
Forget it.

I guess it's a metaphor.

Yes. That's it.

Are you sure it was today?

- Don't you trust me?
- Yes, of course, it's just that...

Don't you remember that
I never forget these things?

The year that Dorothy Parker died.
What Oscar wilde said before dying.

Pepe isbert in "the executioner":

"How blissful I was
the happiest day of my life!"

The time and day you left home
five years ago and didn't come back.

The 31st of December.

At ten to seven.

I looked at the clock and thought
it was a strange time to go out.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

- You're sorry...
- Yes. It's true. I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry.

"Or the wallpaper goes or I do."
Oscar wilde.

What did you do that night?

I went to my mother's.

Yes. Well.

Well...

Just before midnight
I stopped at

a petrol station.

There was a couple screwing
in the parking lot.

Ours were the only cars there...

The petrol station was closed.
New year's Eve. Saint Sylvester.

I thought about her

at home, in ourflat,

about the prawns I'd taken
out to defreeze before leaving.

I saw the couple screwing and I saw
myself in the car with my phone

and have neverfelt so disconnected
from the world.

As if all the bonds that tied me
to life had been broken.

As though I were...

Swimming in the dark.
A darkness without end.

Without beginning or end.

And I knew I would never
call her ever again.

That I could never return
to that house.

That the prawns would go off
and she would throw them away

and... she would hate me for a time.

- But that was the way it had to be.
- I looked at the clock. 6:50 pm.

Such a strange time.

A strange time.

I felt a strange relief
when he left.

Now, every time he left the house,
I felt relief

and I was ashamed to feel relief.

The prawns.

The striking of the bells.

The twelve grapes.

The fireworks.

I wanted to be alone.

Alone in bed with a bottle of wine

and a 500 page detective novel.

Or 600 pages.

I didn't want to hear
anybody's voice,

not even his.

Why did I buy prawns?

And frozen besides!

We didn't like prawns at all.

When they stopped screwing,
she got out of the car,

laughing, and made herway
to the toilets.

She complained because they were
shut. He came out after her and...

Stupid things stay
engraved on your mind

while other things,
important things, are forgotten.

It's weird

how often we do something
we don't really want to do...

Do you mean that night,

- now orwhat?
- In general.

In general.
I'm talking about myself.

The number of times that I do
something I don't really want to do

and the times I don't do something
I really want to.

I think the same thing
happened that night...

Don't bother apologising.
Is this an apology?

No, it isn't.

It's a revelation

that's come to light later on.
Much iateron.

We probably all come to
the same conclusion.

- Do you think so?
- Yes.

To the same conclusions.

And what is your conclusion?

Do you think that's funny?

Coming from you. It amuses me.

If you say so.

Now you're taking offense?

What a bastard!

No. No. No!

- No?
- No!

What a fucking bastard!

But?

- Nothing, no buts.
- None?

"In the sun's path"

"in the breeze's footprints"

"where the world and the sky meet"

"he will ride the silver seas"

"he will cut the glittering wave"

"I will sit at home"

"I will sway"

"I will stand up to answer
a neighbour's call"

"I will make a tea
and I will cut the thread"

"I will wash my bed sheets"

"and he will be called brave"

- I'd rather not be...
- What?

- I'd rather not be here, that's true.
- Yeah, well...

Neitherwould you.

But we are waiting
for a man with some papers.

Five years on. Who will tell us
what they are going to do...

We have to listen

before we talk.

What options there are
and the cost.

What did you say?

What?

The cost. Something will have
to be paid, or?

What the fuck are you talking about?
We're talking about Dani!

Did you have a lobotomy made
in Germany!

I didn't mean it that way!
Not like that!

- What the fuck do you mean then?
- Not that way!

I swear I didn't mean it

that way!

- That's disgusting!
- I'm only saying that in Germany

when a cemetery is expropriated
to build a bloody casino,

the people would get something!

- Ask for a compensation!
- Or there would be fucking protests!

Or whatever!
I don't know, forgive me!

Forgive me.

Have you got any chocolate?

Yes. As usual. Do you want some?

Well, at least I'm glad
you haven't changed in that.

- I try not to eat so much now...
- Me too...

Do you know

the worst thing of an addiction?

That it's difficult to get rid of it...

That it's easy to acquire it.

You start off with half a tablet.

And another day the other half.

Then a whole one.

But not everyday.
Only when it's really necessary.

But it is, every day.

In the morning.

At midday.

In the afternoon.

At night.

To go to sleep.

To waken up.

To stroll in the street
and see a child...

And not feel an iron band
squeezing your heart.

So as not to how! Like a dog.

To breathe without it hurting you.

To fit in.

And now?

What do you do now?

Now I do other things.

So as not to howl.

Yes. 80 as not to scare people.

What do you do?

Things.

Wait!

Don't toss it.

Do you still translate?

That's finished.

Publishing houses stopped calling.

Not just me, everyone.

Our friends, the ones who could
afford it they left. Everybody is...

In Norway, in england,

- in Germany.
- In my university there are a few...

Do you get together?
To talk about our appalling news?

Do you drink mojitos celebrating
how well you did fleeing?

No, no mojitos.
They don't make them properly there.

They drink more beer.

You could, too. Escape.

I mean change places...

Emigrate.

I could?

And let the shit hit the fan?

- It's already hit it.
- Yeah. Well.

Someone will have to clean it up.

Or hide it. Or blow it up.
Or do something with that shit.

So that's what you do.
Something. Things.

You used to say that everybody
wants to change the world,

but nobody wants
to take out the garbage.

So as not to take pills.

I don't do it
so as not to take pills.

Idoitbecause

someone has to do it.

I do it for Dani.

Look...

- Leave Dani out of this!
- No.

I can't. You know why.

It was an accident.

It could've happened in any country.
At another time and circumstances.

But it wasn't in another country
or time or under other circumstances!

I ran as hard as I could.

We ran as hard as we could.

It was late, too late.

We were far away.

It took them five hours
to attend him.

Five hours. 300 minutes!

It could have happened everywhere!

But why are you obsessed by that?

It was here.
It was along weekend.

The cutbacks were here...

My son didn't have a chance.

Five hours is a long time!

I don't ever want to go to sleep
at night for the rest of my life

thinking that this could happen
to another person, to another child.

Well. "Things."
Now, I understand.

Now, you're an activist.
You've become committed.

- I know you.
- I'm sorry.

- Don't laugh at me.
- Excuse me.

I do what I can.

And how do you live?

In five years you didn't give a shit
about me and now you're concerned?

- Yes.
- You are insulting me.

I'm here with you.

I don't feel like telling you.

Don't answer me then.

I live in a car that's just
about as old as I am.

I have a pirated mobile phone
and a shattered PC. I'm a squatter.

Do you know how many empty
houses there are here?

3,417,064 houses.

Who are they keeping them for?

Why so many homeless
evicted people

and so many toxic banks
with so many houses?

Though here a toxic bank
is now a good one.

Fuck the toxic banks!

I live in a car whose tyres
are dying on me. With a shitty PC.

I haven't any dreams left.

I had some.

Many dreams.

Not anymore.

I want to feel
that I'm doing something.

Does that make sense?

Probably not for you.

And sometimes not even for me.
Something. I don't know.

A new life.

A new place. A new job.

New friends.
And that entitles you to...

You know what?

Nothing's the same as before.

- Never.
- No...

You'd like to wipe everything out.

And begin again?

And begin again.

Where would you begin?

From which day would you start?

How do you know it would be better?

That's the most stupid thing
you have ever said.

A question...

An incredibly stupid question.

I know.

I still miss him.
The same as before.

Don't you miss him?

Yes.

I think about him every day.

But, do you miss him?

I don't really know what it is
I have to miss.

So you don't.

Suffering is addictive.

Like drinking, like drugs.

Like alcohol or gambling.

Do you think I am
addicted to suffering?

It sounds...

Heartless. Remote.
As if it had nothing to do with you.

Apart from
your professor's opinion.

Your male professor's opinion.

About life. About suffering.

What is a male professor's opinion?

The idea that one controls one's
own life and one's own suffering.

You don't believe in that?

You've always thought that

for self-advancement
you have to learn.

That question makes me puke.

- You don't always learn something.
- Ok.

That life is crap sometimes.
For unexplainable reasons.

- Ok?
- All right.

All right then.

Chocolate makes me thirsty.

- What?
- Chocolate makes me thirsty.

- Do you want to have a drink?
- There's nothing near here.

I've got some things in the car.
Wine. Cheese. Bread.

The sausage is nice.
Is it from Germany?

- Not the wine.
- I see that.

It's all very strange, isn't it?

What?

I mean that nobody's
come or called you...

Isn't it?

They're moving.

And there isn't much staff.

The man seemed very stressed out
on the phone.

It's strange to think that soon
this will be a huge parking lot

and people will park here
and go off to gamble their money.

And there'll be hotels
and neon lights and such.

I don't know.

Celine Dion might perform here.
Orworse still.

Even worse? Coldplay?

And people working.

Badly paid.

With slave shifts

that 15 years ago
would have been forbidden.

People will come
to gamble away their wages.

And people many miles away
getting rich,

exploiting their employees

and the punters.

Women from all over Europe
being exploited by everybody.

Nameless people, only acronyms
that nobody knows what they mean.

Corporations.

And all this where our Dani
was buried.

People banging their heads
against the wall in protest.

Well, objectively speaking,
it's evident that he's not there.

Jesus Christ!

And if he isn't there,
who is there?

You haven't changed a bit.
In all these years. Not a bit.

- I try to see it from another angle.
- What a load of shit!

You try not to see anything.

It's even difficult for you
to say his name.

Dani. Dani.

Our Dani.

Well.

I expected this. Come on then.

A head-on attack.

Let's have it all.
Get it off your chest.

Why haven't you shown any sign
of life during all these years?

You want to know why now?

Are you scared I'll puke up?

Or that I'll smash your head open?

It's not that easy.

I can believe that.

Or would you prefer to tell me,
firstly, why you went?

You know it perfectly well.

A small explanation would help.

Will it change anything?
Once I've told you, what then?

Nothing. But sometimes it's nice
to know that you were right,

even by hindsight.

Is it about someone being right?
For fuck's sake!

Why are you suddenly behaving...
Differently?

I don't know you.

Why can't we speak
like civilised people?

- Like civilised people?
- Yes, please.

Like civilised people?
Is this fucking situation any civilised?

This isn't civilised.

Not the slightest bit.

Differently, when?
You and I before, when?

Well, that's it!

You know what?

I'm not glad to see you.

If that's so,

I'd better go.

Hey! That rings a bell.
Sure, go!

You've only got to say that you
want me to stay. That's all.

Coward.

What did you say?

What did you say?

I'm not going to allow it.

I'm not going to allow you to...

That you...

That you with everything...

I didn't come
all the way here for this.

Goodbye.

I'm sorry.

Sorry, sorry!

You've put on weight.

Not much.

You're compact.

- Do you go to a gym?
- Give over.

Do you take care of yourself?

A man on his own never
takes care of himself...

Do you take care of yourself?

Do you eat out a lot?

Do you cook a lot?

No. Not anymore.

My wife does the cooking.

I hoped that we... today.

Both of us
could start something good,

something new.

That's what I wanted. Really.

Start something good...

I'm sorry.
That's stupid, isn't it?

Have you known herfor long?

Two years.

- Two years?
- Yes.

- Two years?
- Yes.

Two years?

Yes.

Two years!

You have been married
for two years.

Fuck.

I was happy.

No, it wasn't the day
that Dani was born.

"The happiest day of my life
was... my child." No.

A child has nothing to do
with happiness.

That's something else.

That's to feel yourself whole.

Although life is meaningless,

there is a meaning to all this.

A mystery full of meaning.
Or whatever.

I was happy for a day
or the five minutes

I thought someone loved me.

When he said...

What do you see
when you look at me?

Seriously.

You're laughing.

If laughing
makes you feel better, great.

Fucking great!

A Saturday afternoon. In a house
that some people let us use.

Dancing to "hello, stranger".
After having swum. After fucking.

When he said to me:

"I'll fight for you"

in that voice he has,
or had, when he was serious.

"I'll fight for you."

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to hurt
yourfeelings, sir.

You haven't hurt
my feelings, miss.

I asked you what do you see
when you look at me. That's all.

Stop acting like an idiot!

What do you see?

I spy with my little eyes...

Truthfully.

Isee...

- A Hugo boss jacket.
- Come on.

What do you see?

- I see a man.
- A happy man?

A wretch?

Isee...

I see it's beginning

to rain. In a moment.

Right.

- It's going to rain.
- And?

- Nothing. I love rain.
- You used to like the rain.

- I still like it.
- I didn't know.

- But I don't like stupid questions.
- I see.

I asked what do you see
when you look at me.

A stupid question.

Fair enough.

- You won't answer.
- What do you want me to say?

What you see
when you look at me!

- I see imperfection.
- You see an imperfect man?

I see a bastard who left me
on new year's Eve at ten to seven

because he didn't have the balls
to keep his word.

"I' I! Fight for you" he said,
afterwe had conceived a child.

And when that child died and
something in me died along with him,

he left, he didn't fight.

He didn't do anything.

I see it's about to rain,

I'm freezing
and I want to go back inside.

- You look better with your hair loose.
- Let's go back in.

I'm writing a book.

What?

A book.

One of your essays?

No. A novel.

A novel?

I didn't know you were inclined...
That way.

I thought you loved books
too much to write one.

- That's what you said.
- It's something...

New.

Fiction?

A large part of it.

Don't you want to know
what it's about?

No. Not interested.

- Don't you want...?
- No. I don't want to know.

It's about a man.

You could say that he's me,
or a part of me...

- Or I'm a part of this man...
- I don't want to hear about it.

- And a boy.
- I don't want to hear about it!

- The man suffers...
- No!

I want to tell my story.

My novel...

- The idea of telling something so...
- Do you think that's strange?

So intimate.

The history of literature is full...

- For fuck's sake.
- What?

So, it will be part of
the history of literature?

I understand that you're cynical...

I'm not cynical.

- No?
- No, no.No.

I find it...

Too intimate?

I find it pathetic.

What's pathetic?

You are pathetic.

Trading with...

With your pain.
With him. With me.

- Leave me out of this story.
- That's not it.

I only want to...

Need to...

Find a place for it.

Now we're with the bloody jargon
of shitty self-help books.

Because you have to find a place
for pain

as though it were an object.

No. My life isn't a book
that can be closed.

I see.

Do you prefer to identify
with your pain?

- I am my pain. As well.
- Are you?

Yes!

That's why you've really come?

- To get my blessing?
- No.

What did you come for?
To get material for your book?

Where... wait.

The end. The final redemption.

Where the father and the mother
of the dead child hold hands

in front of the boy's tomb...

I didn't expect you to like it.

I write it for you, too.
And for me. For us.

What do you mean "us"?

What "us"?

"Us" doesn't exist anymore.

What the fuck are we?

We are a man and a woman
who lost their child.

Who first lost their child.

And then lost each other.

Or perhaps I should say
who first lost their child,

then themselves,

and later on each other.

Listen...

Please, listen to me.

If you only feel pain
when you think about somebody.

Somebody who you've loved
so much, so much that...

Aren't you doing something wrong,

something very wrong?

I feel the pain.

- It's my right. I can't help it.
- Is it?

- Yes!
- Pain.

I lost a child.

We lost a child.

I have the right

to every iota of my pain.

Right.

Imagine you had another child.

- No!
- Just imagine.

- I don't want to!
- Would you have the right to be

an aggrieving mother or father?
Would that be fair for the child?

We were advised to have another
child, as if it had been a pet.

Maybe we should have done that...

You're not serious, are you?

Yes, I'm speaking seriously.

I don't know what I see when
I look at you. Really.

Do you get over things
if you don't carry on?

No, on the contrary.

Perhaps you don't,
but it's worth trying.

What?

- You've fathered another child?
- No. What does that matter?

That's why you've come.
Are you a father?

- Look at me!
- Does it matter?

I came because you asked me to.

I came because you asked me to!

I wanted you to come
because I thought...

Why?

You wanted to find out
if I was as desperate as you?

Two castaways
hanging on to a buoy?

A boy or a girl?

I don't have any children.

You're lying. You're lying!

You're lying!

Not yet...

Hanna is pregnant.

- Hanna?
- Yes.

- Hanna is pregnant?
- Yes.

And it's yours?

Yes.

- How old is she?
- Hanna?

What difference does that make?

What difference does that make?

Is she one of your students?

Or a young lecturer, a teacher,
good-looking, German...

Without a fucked up past...
And your mother must adore her.

My god!

Tell me!
Is she one of your students?

How bitter you are!

You think you're
the only one who feels any pain?

The only one who feels grief
and pain, who suffers.

Your son. Your loss.

Your suffering.
As if I never existed!

You were away on one of your shitty
seminars, you weren't there.

Not the same old story again!
Please!

I called you, and you said that you
were on your way to the hospital.

I left everything,
grabbed the first plane.

How do you think I felt
every minute after speaking to you?

In the plane. In the taxi.

You didn't answer the phone...
How did I feel?

You weren't there.

With my child in my arms!

- Holding him...
- I wasn't there.

- I wasn't there!
- Waiting for five eternal hours.

- Surrounded by screaming people.
- But I felt it all right.

I felt it here.

And here. All over me!

I wasn't there...

I felt it all right.
All over my body! And in my head!

When I was first in Cologne,

I went running a lot.

I ran for kilometers.

Uphill. Downhill. Everywhere.

Through woods. Do you know why?
To make the pain go away.

But the more you run,
the farther away you are.

From everything.

More and more lost.
More drugged. More...

That's what happens to you.

But luckily
at the end of the ride

there was Hanna
to take you to...

- To her hansel and gretel house.
- Let it be! Please.

- Yes.
- Yes.

And maybe one day,

after coming back

from buying furniture

for the nursery room you thought,
didn't I have a son in Spain

who caught meningitis

on along weekend
and the emergency was saturated?

- Let it be, please.
- But life must go on and...

- Don't start...
- Life must go on.

And a great idea popped up
in your brain: I'll write a book...

- About how sad it was.
- Leave off, leave off now!

About...

About yourself.

About myself
and how difficult it all was,

but you had to dig in your brain
because you couldn't remember.

But your poor ex-wife
could help you

because she's never healed...

She remembers every moment.
Every detail.

The Jersey he was wearing.
The socks.

His little face...

- His little face...
- Leave off now.

Don't touch me!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...

You're still angry because I left.

People run away from other people's
pain as if they were sick.

They don't know what to do
or how to behave.

Friends vanish.

And deep down,
you don't really care.

It's as if your worst imaginings
about human nature are confirmed.

It's amazing the way you keep
on wallowing in your pain.

Five years after you wallow
in your pain as in a hot bath.

That's fucking amazing!

You've got no fucking idea!

- No?
- Of course not.

Five years without showing
a sign of life.

- Yeah.
- And then...

- Then what?
- Then this! This shit!

This. Yes, this shit.

Do you know what I thought?

I'd hoped that some of this shit

would have changed...

- Don't try to understand me.
- Yes.

- I try because you're my ex-wife.
- Don't try...

We share a past, a mutual story
that will never disappear.

Whatever we do now.

You know?

That's what I wanted.

I wanted to

turn over a new leaf...
That we do it together...

A new leaf.

How good you're getting with
metaphors since you're a writer.

You demean yourself
with all that sarcastic shit.

That's not like you.

I'm not going
to keep on listening to this.

So you're leaving again?

This is nonsense.

I can't stand it.

We don't manage it.

I'd better be going.

There's one more thing
I'd like to say.

When I was coming here,
I thought...

About how beautiful you were
the day we conceived Dani.

The shine in your dazzling eyes.

The softness of your skin.

Dancing on that hill
for the fun of it.

Laughing.

How proud I felt of...

Existing. That you existed,
that we met in life.

That's what

I wanted to get back.

And I remembered
that song that you liked so much.

I had forgotten, you know?
And I had completely forgotten...

I had said "I'll fight for you",

and your lovely face
when you smile.

It's my car, it won't start.

Well,

it starts...

But I can't start.

Someone wants to close the gate.

I asked him to leave it open.

He told me...

About the works.

That they never thought seriously
about building a casino...

That it was only a rumour.

That no one is going to be moved.

They could have done it,
they're capable of it.

- Yes.
- Now anything is possible here.

Yes.

A very nice man.

Yes, he's very nice.

- You hate me, don't you?
- No.

Do you love me?

- I know you hate me.
- No, I don't hate you.

Of course I love you.

If you don't hate me, then what?

You want to hear me say I love you.

Hear me say that I still love you

and then you'll say: I don't know...

- Am I like that? So wicked?
- Yes,

you're so wicked.

Well, I don't want to be like that.

Yes, I know.

You loved to watch people in trains.

- Yes.
- And read out loud

the letters to the editor
in different voices.

How ridiculous.

And flying chairs.

- And watermelon lollipops.
- Watermelon!

And that apple pie
that falls apart...

- Apple crumble.
- That's it. Apple crumble.

You liked people who burst
into tears when speaking.

Like popeye's Olivia.

A glass of wine with dessert.

I get the feeling

that my head
is so crammed that I...

That you can't forget.

I've forgotten the names of
Dani's favourite dinosaurs.

The name of doraemon's friend.
Of shin chan's voice.

When my son asked for
a cheese sandwich without cheese.

- He's with me in my mind. Always.
- I know.

When I pour out the coffee.

When I open a sachet of sugar.

In the shower.

Driving.

At a news stand.

In all the books.
In all the songs.

That Dani lives again.

Sometimes I see a man.

Any man.

On a bike
with a child riding pillion.

The man points: "Look, look!"

"Look a dog, oh, look a pigeon!"

"Did you see that bird
or that tree or that cloud?"

And the child laughs.

And for a moment I am that man
and the child is him.

Forgive me.

Don't say that.

But it's true!

Sometimes...

I see people
who have gone through worst things

and assimilate them.

Catastrophes, wars.

People who have lost
a whole family.

Yes.

I hear them say that they're happy.
I see that they are happy.

Then I wonder what's wrong with me.
What am I doing wrong?

And only thinking about it...

I can't go fonrvard.

Why did you go that night?

Why that night?

I don't know.

I didn't feel capable of
counting up to twelve.

Lift up a glass, toast.

Make a wish. I couldn't look at you,
hold you in my arms. I couldn't.

I couldn't.

Half a kilogram of prawns
in the bucket.

I stayed at the window
all night long.

With the lights off.

I couldn't help thinking of those
last moments with Dani.

Yes.

When...

When they disconnected...

The life support systems.

The noise of that machine went...

"Fiiiiuuuu..."

"Fiiiiuuuu..." went the ventilator.

- And the world stopped.
- The world stopped.

And that moment was shut up
in my mind.

That made me furious.

Sometimes I felt like hitting you.

So that you would begin
to feel me.

Feel me close again.

The father of your child,
your husband...

I want to know how it is to feel
again, being a bit happy.

I want someone to save me.

It doesn't work that way.

- It's easy for you to say that.
- Why?

- Because“.
- Why do you say that?

You have another country,
another job, another wife.

- Another child.
- Do you think that can save you?

Am I a bastard
to let anyone save me?

No?

To hang on to someone
and drag them down with me?

- Forgive me.
- No.

Don't worry.

- I'm being unfairto you.
- No. It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.

Do you know what saved me?
Before meeting Hanna?

What?

- Singing.
- Singing?

I sing in a choir.

- Really?
- Yes.

Don't laugh! I sing in a choir.

We are 18 or so,
depending on the day.

We practice twice a week.

And we perform in villages,
nothing special...

One day I was
on my way back from running,

I was passing by a small
town council building,

near Cologne.

I sat on a bench
because I couldn't go any farther.

And I heard a voice.

A very deep voice.

One of those
that bounces off the walls.

Itwas singing in English.
A song that...

I felt it was as if it were
meant for me.

"It must be so", by Bernstein.
Do you know it?

And I felt every one of the notes
vibrate in my body.

As though I was singing it, too.

And suddenly...

Something...

Burst inside of me.

As if a fountain of tears

was pouring out inside of me.

And...

All my muscles relaxed,

and finally soothed.

An epiphany.

- Because some guy was singing?
- Yes.

- What was the song called?
- "It must be so."

Do you know how much I hate
these kinds of stories?

Why?

Because those stories suddenly
happen to some people, illogically.

- Really?
- And no one else can repeat them...

They make it all so...

So elusive.

Elusive?

Yes, elusive, slippery, whatever.

As though you had to see the light.
And I don't see anything.

- I haven't seen any light.
- You know what I mean.

I haven't seen any light,
I sing in a choir.

Where there are fat, slim,

dustmen, teachers,
gays, heterosexuals.

We argue about our repertory.

Gays are obsessed
with Broadway musicals.

Some Germans only want
to sing lieders, schubert...

We practice twice a week.

And we travel around

in a dilapidated east German coach,

from world war ii.

We sing in schools, in places...

I can't trust
in these things any more.

It could be another thing.

Your thing.

You know?

One day you can find another thing
that helps you.

Just hearing that song made you
feel glad to be alive?

Of course! Something like that.

Something like that.

Then I have to be grateful
just because I can breathe

and my breasts aren't dugs yet.
But they are!

Yes?

I always loved your breasts.

I want to leave here.

Now?

- Now I do.
- All right...

Do you want to go somewhere else?

- Do you want me to go with you?
- No. I want to go alone.

- I don't want you to leave this way.
- It's all right.

Can I do anything for you?

Yes. Maybe give me a hug.

Come here.

- It's lovely.
- Yes?

Yes.

I sing it badly.

I'm one of the worst in the choir.

It's lovely. Really.

Do you want us...

To go to Dani's tomb together?

- You go. I was there yesterday.
- You don't want to...?

Really.

All right.

I sincerely hope

that everything
goes well for you.

The baby...

And you?

-I'll be all right. Seriously?

Yes.

Keep me up to date.

Isuppose
you won't want to come...

No. But I want to know.

Well...

I find it very difficult
to say goodbye to you.

I'll be all right.

- Well...
- Well...

Will you call them
so that they can close up?

Yes, I'll call them.

Everything is going to be all right.

To Jaime to Cristina