All language subtitles for Bruce Kessler - (1969) The Gay Deceivers

(Singing)
Hell no, we won't go.

No, we won't go.

Hell no, we won'! go.

Hell no, we won'! go.

No, we won't go.

Hell no, we won't go.
Hell no, we won't go.

Sit down.

All right, Stern.

You're next.

Leg cramps, tension,

headaches, ingrown toenail,

prickly heat, and
occasional bedwetting.

Bedwetting, Stern?

Yes, sir.

Only when I'm nervous, sir.

Uh-huh.

Well, I'll tell
you what, Stern,

when you get to
basic training,

you give this little note
to the supply sergeant.

Supply Sergeant?

That's right.

That's an eight-week
supply of rubber sheets.

Oh.

Wait there.

They asked to
see you together.

What are they, a couple
of Siamese twins?

N0, but I get the feeling

that they're joined
together from time to time.

Well, send them in.

Shut the door.

Devlin?

Yes, sir.

Is that a checkmark?

Well, that's kind
of hard to say, sir.

Looks more like
a smudge to me.

Well it's your
application boy.

So, what are you
trying to say?

Are you or aren't you?

'Cause if you are,

you're gonna have to sign
a statement verifying it.

Am I or aren't I what, sir?

Well, you can read can't you?

Oh, yes, sir.

Oh, well see, it doesn't
say am I or aren't I.

The way that it's worded
is have you ever had a...

I know what it says.

Now what's your answer?

Well, that depends on how you
would define an experience.

And what's your problem, boy?

I have no problem, sir.

Well, it says here that
you want to be with Devlin

throughout your
entire tour of duty.

Yes, sir, that's correct.

Well, what do you think we're
running here, a boy's camp?

I understand perfectly
sir, it's just that well,

Danny and I have been together
ever since grade school,

and well, if we couldn't
remain together, I'd just die.

I just don't think
I could take it, sir.

You don't
understand how it is.

Hey, let's can
the B.S., alright.

Now, do you boys want
to go in the Army?

- Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.

Fine.

I told you there was nothing
to worry about, Elliot.

You know how it is.

Every time I want something
real bad, I never get it.

Oh, I know.

Oh, but this is
gonna be so marvelous,

living with all those guys.

Hold it!

Are you a homosexual?

No.

Are you a homosexual?

Perish the thought.

Do you ever wear
women's clothes?

I'm no drag queen, doctor.

Why not? Too embarrassed?

I just think it's a bit much.

How about you?

Now which do you prefer,

young boys, or mature men?

I think when you
really love somebody

that age shouldn't
matter at all.

How about you?

Do I get a choice?

Do you favor
(bleep) or (bleep)?

Sex has nothing
to do with love.

I think it's much more how
you feel about the person.

How about you?

(Bleep bleep)

I believe one should
remain receptive

to one's partner's needs.

Inhibitions have
ruined more marriages.

What do you think of her?

Oh, those are heavenly beads.

What do you think of her?

Hair is too long.

What do you think about

when you look at
something like this?

Well, muscles have
never been my bag, but...

And you?

Oh, now, that's nice.

Do you mind if I keep it?

I don't have this one at home.

That's all.

Well, you're free to go.

The Draft Board will notify
you in two to three weeks

of your reclassification.

Does that mean the
Army doesn't want us?

Not at this time.

However, if we uncover
any additional evidence

that changes our opinion,

we'll reclassify you 1-A.

I counted so much on going in.

What are we gonna
tell our friends?

Oh, I'm sure you'll
think of something, Devlin.

Here comes the
young counselor.

Hey, Danny.

Dad.

Hi.

The old million-dollar
knee, right son.

Whoever would have thought
that old track injury

would show up
at a time like this?

I'll bet it won't keep you
from running around a little

when you get up to
Stanford, will it?

Well, actually I don't think
I'm gonna have a lot of time

to do much of anything.

I think they keep you
jumping pretty good up there.

Stanford?
That's my alma mater.

Say, before you
accept any offers, Dan,

I want a chance to
better the deal, agreed?

Ag reed.

How about that, Danny?

You haven't even cracked
your first law book,

and already you've been
guaranteed a position

with one of the finest
firms in the city.

It pays to have
friends in high places.

What are your plans now dear,

now that Danny
has his deferment?

Are you gonna keep flying.

Oh, yes,
I've asked the airlines

for a transfer up
to San Francisco,

so we can be together
as much as possible.

We're gonna get some
sun okay. Excuse us.

- Have fun.
- Okay.

Gee, I didn't
know he had asthma.

Maybe that's what you've
been mistaking for passion.

I really don't see
what you all see in him.

Well, as lover boy says,

"if you haven't tried it,

don't knock it".

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hey big brother,
how's the old knee?

Tricky, very, very tricky.

And this fruit says to him,

"But sergeant,
I've just been there,

and they sent me back here,

and I just don't know
where to go anymore.

I'm so confused...

Hey, Elliot.

Excuse me for a second.

Oh, there he goes again.

He's so jealous.

Do you have to pull that
fag routine around here?

What's wrong Danny
boy, we're out.

I realize that.

I just don't want
anybody getting any ideas.

Okay, don't get
spastic over it.

What are you doing later?

I just have to take Karen
out to the airport. Why?

Wait 'til you see what
I've got lined up for you

for a little after hour
scene at my place.

My gift to you for
springing us free.

Okay-

You know I think that...

My, that boy seems popular.

Your daughter
certainly adores him.

Yes, doesn't she.

You know I'm glad Danny
cultivated Elliot's friendship.

He needs to be with
somebody more outgoing.

He has a tendency
to be on the shy side.

Going up to celebrate
your victory, Devlin?

I guess.

(Doorbell)

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Laverne,

and you must be that genius

Elliot was telling me about.

You must be my
little surprise.

Where is Elliot?

Doing his homework.

Can I fix you a
drink or something?

Oh, no.

I'll make you that drink.

You relax.

Easy, Dan.

We've got all night.

Yeah.

Mm!

Mm, mm, mm, mm...!

Hey, what's your problem?

Am I too fast for you?

No, as a matter of fact,
you're not fast enough.

You've gotta leave.

Out of here, you've
gotta take your purse.

You've gotta get out.

Come on, go.

This is gonna be a bust.
The police are outside.

Well, why didn't you say so?

You can tell
Elliot to just go...

Oh, yeah. Yeah, right.
Back stairs. Please.

Elliot.

Listen to me, that colonel
from the Draft Board

is downstairs checking
the apartments.

What?

Just get dressed!

Oh, dear.

Look, Elliot,
if you don't believe it,

you come look
for yourself, okay.

How do you know it's him?

I saw him downstairs
checking the mailboxes.

Okay, so we're having
a little celebration party.

With girls?

You know what he said
about uncovering new evidence...

Will you get her out of here!

Okay, sweetheart,
get dressed, huh.

I can't.

Just do as I say.

But I can't.

You've got my dress on.

Oh, dear.

Look Elliot...
Will you get dressed!

It's what we've
got to do, now do it!

Look, Elliot.

There's no other way.

It's what we've gotta do.

Not here.

The lady who pays the rent
doesn't dig roommates.

Okay, we move somewhere else.

Look, I can't even
afford this setup,

and I only pay
for the groceries.

Look, don't sweat the money.

That I can handle.

Look, how can
I walk out on her now?

She's gonna buy me a car.

Oh, wonderful.

Why don't you go get your
tail shot off in Vietnam,

and she can buy
you a wheelchair!

Oh, I don't know.

I do.

No, it's not.

This area's just right.

Exactly what
we're looking for.

You know I have quite
a few other listings

I think you'd find
far more suitable.

I have a place in Malibu,

and a couple right above the
strip, right up here in the hills.

No, no, no.

No, this is just fine.

It's just peachy.

Oh, frankly fellows,

I really don't think
you're gonna like this place.

It's rather sedate here,
and the tenants, well,

they tend to be more
on the conservative...

Actually fellas,

I have several of
my very best friends

are members of your faith.

Would you look
at this cottage.

I think you'll
find it rather unique.

Well, here we are.

Kitchen here has all
modern appliances, all gas.

Here's the breakfast nook.

Isn't that tastefully designed?

Beautiful view,

and a real fireplace.

Look at that.

The bedroom is up this way.

Now, for the coup de grace.

Of course, if you'd prefer
something in a two bedroom...

No, no.

One bedroom is right.

Why don't you fellows
have a look around,

and I'll wait
for you downstairs.

What do you mean
this is all right.

Look, Elliot,

I don't want this anymore
than you do, you know.

It's bad enough I gotta
live here in fairyland.

Now, you want me
to share the same bed.

You're forgetting something.

You see, we're supposed
to be living like uh...

Yeah.

Well, like uh...

lovers.

Swell.

And what'll we
do for a nursery

when the little
ones come along?

It's for you sweetie.

We'll take it.

I think it was
a terrific idea.

It'll give him a
chance to sow some oats

before he has to settle
down to those law books.

Best thing he could have done.

I suppose you're right.

But I still don't
understand why all the rush.

The least he could have
done was discuss it with us.

Well, you know how boys are.

They get ideas
in their heads, and...

Miss Devlin.

Well, I think he could have
shown a little bit more taste

in choosing a roommate.

Well, don't you think you owe
me some kind of explanation.

We'll talk about
it sometime, baby.

Hey, baby.

When do I get to
try out the new workbench.

Not until the decorator's
through, darling.

The color scheme
clashes with your hair.

Elliot, be a dear and put
some of this on my back.

Sure, Marilyn.

Charles will be
away this weekend.

Same set of rules as always.

Sorry, love,
I'm taking my sabbatical.

I take a few weeks
off every seven years,

whether I need it or not,

to recharge my batteries.

I've run out of excuses
to give these broads.

We've gotta talk this
thing over right now,

and make other arrangements.

Elliot, there's
nothing to talk about.

I told you, I think I saw
that colonel downstairs

questioning one
of the neighbors.

Yeah, well, right now
he's not my problem.

You know if
I don't get a kiss

two, three times
a day I get a complex.

I realize that, but you're
gonna have to learn to,

excuse me, live with it.

How about if
I motel it with them?

Wrong.

Yeah, but if I explain
to them that we...

No.

No.

Look, Elliot,
we can't see anybody,

we can't tell anybody.

We've gotta live
like homosexuals.

I don't want anybody even accidentally
tripping us up, you know.

If they're gonna start sending
investigators around and we...

(Door Opening)

Hi there.

I'm Malcolm DeJohn,
your landlord.

I live across the courtyard.

Oh, I'm Danny.

Oh, how do you do.

I'm Elliot.

Well, pleased to meet you.

You are the muscular
one, aren't you.

I just adore this cottage,

and I decorated it myself.

Isn't it elegant?

It's you. It's really you.

Oh, thank you, dear.

Cool it, Elliot.

So, are you two
just getting started?

Oh, well, actually,
you see, uh, we're uh...

We're newlyweds.

Oh, how wonderful.

I must tell Craig.

- Craig?
- My better half.

Or at least he
likes to think he is.

But then, you
know how men are.

Beasts, all of them.

Aren't they though?

You know, if it
weren't for this

dreadful feeling of insecurity
that I've had all my life,

I'm not sure that I ever
would have gotten married.

I was willing to live in sin.

Yes, well, I prefer living
in California myself.

It's time for me
to feed my peonies.

Your what?

Elliot, those are flowers.

Flowers, right?

They certainly are.

I have the most gorgeous
peonies in the entire country.

I bet you have.

I'd like to see them sometime.

Well, I bet you would.

Toodle-loo.

Mr. DeJohn.

Malcolm, Danny, Malcolm.

Malcolm, I'd like to
thank you for the fruit,

You're welcome.

And I hope that you
can come on over

and have a drink
with us sometime.

Oh, we'd love to.

I'd love to meet Craig.

Well, I'm sure he'd
love to meet you.

Ciao.

Do you believe that?

Elliot, Aw don't put
on people like that.

It's people like that,
that go to the Draft Board

and blow the whole thing.

Temper, temper,
temper, temper.

Elliot!

98,

99,

100.

You know it's a good thing
the Army turned you down.

You'd never make it
past the barracks scene.

What's your problem?

Afraid I'm gonna see your
precious little bottom,

or are you turning into
a silly little closet queen.

I just like my
privacy that's all.

It's just a big game
to you, isn't it, Elliot.

Well, what else
can you call it?

Oh, the fact that
they're probably

watching the house
at this very moment

doesn't seem to
worry you a bit.

Shh, they probably
have it bugged.

Do you think
they bug the place?

Absolutely.

That's funny.

Ha, ha.

I can see living with you

is just gonna be
a series of bad jokes.

I'm gonna take the side
by the phone, okay.

I'm expecting a long-distance
call from Karen.

We've got a date
tomorrow night.

Oh, that's just great.

I thought you were the
one that was all uptight

about the no-broads routine.

Well yeah, I am,
it's just that,

well you know, I don't
want her to get suspicious.

She doesn't know
anything about this,

and how's it gonna look

if I suddenly pull
a disappearing act.

After all, I am
engaged to the girl.

That's a copout buddy,
and you know it.

Expect me to play it straight

while you're out
with your chick.

No, that's different.

You don't owe those ding-a-lings
of yours any explanation.

It's different with Karen.

Look, if I can just
talk to her over dinner,

and try to fix it up so
she doesn't get any ideas.

And what am I supposed
to be doing meanwhile?

I don't know.

You could read Playboy,

or do some pushups
in front of the mirror,

or you could build
a model airplane.

Oh, you're just a sweetheart.

Peace.

Lovers should
never go to bed angry.

Look, Elliot, I'm sorry.

I didn't know this thing
would get this heavy.

It's not turning out
anything like I'd planned.

I figured that once we snowed them
down at the Draft Board, that was it.

Ah, forget it.

But there's something
you ought to know.

Hmm'?

You're not the first man
I've ever gone to bed with.

When I was a kid, I used
to sack in with my father.

(Knock on door)

Good morning.

Could I borrow
a couple of eggs,

and some oregano,
if you have some?

Urn-hum.

Come on in, Malcolm.

Oh, thank you.

I was in the middle
of whipping up

a little surprise
for Craig, and I ran out.

I can't make this very...

My God, what's happening here?

Looks like you had a
fistfight with Julia Childs.

I'm trying to make breakfast.

I'm really not too much
of a hand in the kitchen.

Say no more,
I understand, darling.

When Craig and
I were first married,

I didn't know a thing
about cooking either.

I used to dress
a turkey in Levis.

In fact, on our very
first wedding anniversary,

Craig gave me a cookbook,

and I gave him a stomach pump.

Why don't you run
upstairs, darling,

and let me take care of this.

Oh, I don't want to
put you to any trouble.

It's no trouble at all.

Now, come on, run along.

Shoo, shoo, come on.

Let your fairy godmother
get her wand working.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

(Music)

Like the music?

It's all right.

Our interior-decorating
landlord

came over to borrow some eggs,

and he's offered
to cook me breakfast.

Oh really.

You two are getting
awfully chummy.

Better watch out, Craig's
liable to get jealous.

Oh, no.

Malcolm's just being friendly.

Sure he is.

And he hasn't tried
to touch me or anything.

I'll bet.

Anyway, I'll bet he
cooks better than you do.

I doubt it.

Hi, Malcolm.

Oh, good morning, Hercules.

Why don't you
go sit right down?

Breakfast will
be ready in a jiff.

No, I gotta rush.

Wow, it smells terrific.

Why, of course, it's terrific.

It's my secret recipe,

Montezuma madness.

Maria Montana
served it to her lover in

"The Son of the Cobra Queen."

Malcolm, take it
easy with the kid.

Don't spoil him.

He's tough enough
to live with.

Oh, Elliot, I wouldn't
dream of spoiling Danny.

It's hard enough with Craig.

He loves my cooking so,

I practically have to beg him
to take me out to a restaurant.

You know, I think
I will try a little.

I knew you couldn't resist it.

Neither could Jon Hall.

You're not going to
eat my omelet like that!

You're right.

Oh.

Just what it needed.

See you later, Malcolm.

Caramba.

What a charming place.

So quaint.

Hi, what are you doing here?

Well, we thought we'd stop by

and see how you two
bachelors are making out.

Oh, we're just
making out fine.

Sure looks that way.

I may even move in here
with you for a few days myself.

Great. The door's open.

Thanks, Elliot.

Danny.

Oh, hello.

I'm Malcolm DeJohn,
Danny's landlord.

Well, I'm Danny's mother.

Oh, well, how do you do.

I'm Danny's father.

- Oh how do you do.
- How do you do.

Mom, dad.

Dad, what are you doing here?

Well, we just happened
to be in the neighborhood

and thought we'd stop by.

Oh, well, I came over
to borrow some oregano.

Danny was lost in the kitchen.

Malcolm offered to
make me breakfast.

Well, that's
very sweet of you.

Danny, I love your cottage.

It's just so...

Well, actually,
we haven't had a chance,

you know, to straighten...

Malcolm, are we keeping you?

Oh, no, no, not at all.

Why don't you show
them the cottage?

I know they'll adore it.

Danny, what is this?

Oh, it's a statue,

of two wrestlers.

But they're not
wearing any clothes.

Right.

You know how the
Greeks do it dad.

Oh yeah, sure.

Well, it's a lovely place.

It's so quaint.

Oh, I must call Dolores,
and have her see this place.

Mom, it's so messy upstairs.

Oh, that's all right.

Everything all right, Danny?

Need any money?

Barney.

No, no, no.

You must come and see this.

Dad, about the bedroom.

It's not exactly...

Well, well.

I never expected
anything quite like this.

Yeah, well you see, two women
lived here before we did,

and we haven't had a
chance to change it yet.

Yeah, they had rather
strong taste, didn't they.

Where does Elliot sleep?

Elliot?

Yes, show me his room.

No, that's not his room.

See, this is the bathroom.

It's a one-bedroom apartment,

but we're gonna get
a couch downstairs

that pulls out into a bed.

That's good.

That belonged to the girls
who lived here before.

Well, dad, you've seen it all.

Gee, I'm sorry you and mom
couldn't have stayed longer.

Charming.

Mom, would you
excuse us a second?

Listen dad, I wanted
to talk to you

about the color of
the room, you know, pink.

Well, I don't
like pink either.

We're gonna get
some brown paint,

and I think it'll look
really good, dark brown.

Oh, Mrs. Devlin.

That's one of
Freddie's isn't it?

Freddie's?

Freddie Braych.

I'd know one of
his designs anywhere.

Why yes.

I didn't know men
appreciated such things.

Well, not all men do.

Listen, you know,

I hope you'll be able to
come up to campus this fall,

see some of the football
games, you and mom.

SC is playing
up there this year.

That color is yummy for you,

and it adds a very youthful
line to your figure.

Oh, do you really think so?

Oh, I do indeed.

Danny's very lucky to have
such a lovely looking mother.

Well, you know,
as a matter of fact,

I was very young
when Danny was born.

I'm sure you were.

Evelyn, I...

I must rush.

I have to get
back to my soufflé.

So nice to have
met you, Mr. DeJohn.

My pleasure.

Danny, I put the
omelet in the oven.

Please try and eat it
before it gets cold.

Au revoir, Mrs. Devlin.

Isn't he marvelous?

Yeah.

Isn't he?

Evelyn, I have to be on
the first tee by 11:00.

- Goodbye darling.
- Goodbye mom.

- Goodbye Danny.
- Dad.

Thanks for coming over.

I'm so glad Danny found
such a lovely place.

Karen's going to be
thrilled when she sees it.

And he has such
nice neighbors.

Thank you, it's very good.

Oh, honey, that
sounds fantastic.

Well, it's a lot better than living
at home, I'll tell you that.

- Do you want another brandy?
- Uh-hm.

But I'd like it over at your
place. I'm dying to see it.

Well, you will, you know.

But well, we just moved in
and the place is a mess,

things all over the floor.

Oh, I wish we finally
had a place to ourselves,

and I could cook and
play house with you.

Baby, just as soon
as I start school,

you'll fly out
of San Francisco,

and live with me in Palo Alto.

I know.

I wish we could get
started right now.

Well, we could get started.

What's happening back
at your place tonight?

Not much.

Let's see, Joyce is in Denver,

Carolyn's in Chicago,

and one of them is due
back tonight around midnight.

Well, that gives us
about enough time.

Uh, Danny, couldn't we
please go back to your place.

I promise I'll
keep my eyes closed

until the lights go out.

I promise I won't see a mess...

Honey, look, it's
really a bad idea.

Elliot's probably home and...

Look you've got a flight tomorrow
morning at 9:30 anyway, don't you?

That's true,

but next time let's make
some better arrangements.

Look, I will next time.

You just have to have
patience with me.

Things have been
so frantic lately.

I don't even know
what's gonna happen next.

It's only a copy,

but it's Michelangelo's David,

and I fell in love with
it when I first saw it.

As a matter of fact,

Craig and I thought it would be kind
of heaven for your living room.

I don't want you people going to
any extra expenses or anything.

Oh, nonsense, Danny,

and I know exactly
where to put it.

You know, Danny,

"Home Beautiful" wanted to
do a spread on this cottage,

but just the idea
sounded vulgar.

You know, seeing the two of
you getting started like this

is reminiscent of
Malcolm and myself

when we were first married.

Oh yeah?

The struggle we had in the
beginning trying to adjust.

Well, you know what I say.

Give a little, take a little.

How true.

God knows, Malcolm isn't the
easiest person to live with.

High strung, temperamental.

You've got to watch
every word you say to him.

The slightest thing is
liable to set him off

on one of his tantrums.

Geez, I thought you two
were made for each other.

I know.

But believe me,
it hasn't been easy.

It started off with
the usual physical thing,

you know, just a plain pickup.

Been through it myself.

But how long can one keep
up these casual affairs?

You get tired of cruising.

It gets so depressing
after a while.

It's just the same old thing,

over and over again.

It leaves you feeling so, so...

Drained.

Exactly.

Before I met Malcolm I was
married to a real tramp.

I couldn't trust him
alone for a minute.

The breakup was very messy.

I can imagine.

The anguish of trying to
explain it to your friends,

realizing all the time

that he had probably
been intimate with them.

The utter humiliation of it.

You know what I say.

Love them and leave them.

Again, thank you for
the gesture as far as...

- Isn't that lovely?
- Yeah.

Cigarette?

It seemed appropriate.

Tell me, how have
you and Danny

managed to make
a steady thing of it.

Well, we... I guess it
was love at first sight.

I guess.

We took one look
at each other,

and we knew we were
destined for one another.

How romantic.

You never tell me
anything like that.

What do you expect
after seven years?

Omar Sharif?

Yes.

(Knock on door)

- Hi.
- Hi.

Well, we sure had a hard
time finding this place.

Who are you guys
hiding from, the FBI?

Hi.

I hate to admit it, lover boy,

but you know you've only
been gone a few days,

and already I'm
beginning to miss

your homely little
face around the house.

How'd you find us?

Well, your roommate
invited Bunny over,

and we were out shopping,

so I decided to
come along with her.

You don't mind, do you?

Oh, no, no.

I thought I told
you to call first.

Oh, dear.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Craig and Malcolm,
this is my sister, Lesley.

- How do you do.
- How do you do.

- Hello.
- Hi.

And this is Bunny over here.

Hi.

Why don't you just sit down.

I'm sorry, Danny,

I didn't know you had guests.

Oh, well, we're not guests.

You see, actually Craig and I
live across the courtyard.

It's just one big family.

Oh, well, mom told me
all about this place,

so I just thought I'd come
here and look for myself.

Somebody sure is queer for nudes
around here, aren't they'?

Oh, you sure did look silly
in my dress the other night.

Oh, dear.

Bunny, why don't
we go upstairs

and look at the bedroom.

Daniel, why didn't you tell us

that you have such
a lovely sister.

She's adorable.

In fact, they both are.

Oh, they're all right,
if you dig girls.

Well, I have a sister too.

Oh really?

Recently married.

She married a lovely
Olympic swimmer.

Tell me.

And the wedding was gorgeous.

The best man
gave the groom away.

My father gave the bride away.

And the fact that I wanted
to be flower girl,

gave me away.

I bet it did.

(Giggling)

Oh, dear.

Danny, it's really too much.

Who's your
decorator, Tiny Tim?

My dear child,

I decorated every inch
of this cottage myself.

Tiny Tim, really.

Oh, dig this crazy
bug bomb I found.

Sweet child,

that crazy bug bomb is
worth about $5.00 a squirt.

Oh, dear.

Well, excuse us.

I guess I can tell
when we're not wanted.

Come on Bunny,
let's get out of here.

Hey Bunny,
hang around a while.

They'll be leaving soon.

Don't bother, Bunny.

It's obvious you'd rather

spend your time
with your neighbors.

Bye.

Come on, but...

I'm terribly sorry about this.

Oh, it's all right, Danny.

Danny, I want to talk to you.

Oh, would you excuse
me a second please.

Certainly.

Talk about being un-cool.

Hey, now wait a minute.

Whose idea was it to invite
them in the first place?

Look, Elliot, I thought
that we had an agreement.

- Look, it's only your sister.
- Yeah, but that other one isn't my sister,

and you obviously
invited her over.

They found the place.

- I didn't know they were coming over.
What do you want me to do.

- You had invited (Unintelligible).

- I didn't do anything,
what do you want me to do?

I don't know about
you, but I'm hurting.

Do you want them to hear us?

What do I care
if they hear me.

Look, you can take
this whole scene

and shove it for my money.

Look, if I don't
start getting a little,

I'm gonna wind
up a basket case.

Why don't you broadcast
it to the whole world.

Where'd everyone go?

Where do you
think everyone went?

Look, Elliot,
if Malcolm and Craig

think that we've
been putting them on,

they could go right
to that Colonel

and spill the
whole thing for us.

Where are you going?

Well, I'm gonna go and
try to straighten it out.

Straighten them out.

Impossible.

$5.00, $10.00, $15.00,

$20.00, $25.00, $30.00.

(Knock on door)

- Hi, Craig.
- Hi.

Listen, I wanted to apologize.

Oh, don't be silly.
Come on in.

Thank you.

Make yourself at home.

- Who is it, dear?
- It's Danny.

Here, take a seat.

Danny.

Hi, Malcolm.

Hello.

I love your rug.

Oh, isn't Beulah heaven?

I trapped her under the sink.

What's going on.

I wanted to apologize
to the both of you

for the scene that was caused.

I had no idea that Elliot
was gonna invite anybody over.

Well, Danny, first of all,
you don't have to apologize.

Good Lord, Craig and I
have had our ups and downs.

Haven't we dear?

We certainly have.

In fact, I was
just telling Elliot

that we fought that entire
first year we were married.

Year and a-half.

Would you like some iced tea?

Sure.

Lover?

No thanks.

Just a little sugar.

Certainement.

Well, you and Elliot seemed
to hit it off marvelously.

Oh, he's a very nice person.

In fact, you're very
lucky to have him.

Yeah.

Now, listen lover boy.

If you're going to
make any sudden changes,

I wish you'd let me know.

I was writing out the
check to your landlord

when I found out you'd moved.

The bedroom is
upstairs, I take it.

Yes, but you don't understand.

We've really got to
hurry because I told Ben

I was going to
get my hair combed out.

You can spare me
2O or 30 minutes, can't you?

Yeah, well, look,
I meant to call you

and explain what's happening.

I'm sure you did.

My, you have gone theatrical,
haven't you, darling.

Well, it came this way.

All that's missing
are the mirrors.

Darling, you don't seem
too excited to see me.

But you don't understand,
Danny's across the...

I think I can fix that.

Why don't you get ready?

You've got work to do.

Elliot, what the
hell is going on in...

Hi, Mrs. Conway.

Elliot...

Mrs. Conway?

How are you, Danny?

Well, I'm fine thank you.

Your mother was telling me
about your lovely new house,

and I was just passing
by in the neighborhood so...

Excuse me.

You stupid son of a bitch.

What could I do?

She barges in here and starts
pulling her clothes off.

It's only my mother's
best friend, that's all.

So I wanted to
keep it in the family.

I must hurry.

This really is a lovely
place you have, Danny.

Bye.

Your mother's
best friend, huh?

Well, let me tell you about
your mother's best friend.

She was paying my rent,

and I think I owe her for it.

Okay-

Right now, I'm paying
your rent, so you owe me,

and you do what I say!

No broads!

You dirty bitch!

Look what you've
done to my peonies!

You can take your
lovely peonies!

And besides, you silly queen,
they're not even peonies!

They're marigolds!

Good God, I think she's right.

They are marigolds.

I may not know my flowers,

but I know a bitch
when I see one!

Oh.

Elliot, it's not funny.

Can't you get it
through your thick skull

that we're being
watched 24 hours a day.

How is that gonna look on the
report they send in on us?

Ah, she wasn't even here long
enough to wash her hands.

That's not the point.

The point is that we
can't be seen with women.

If they find out
we're faking it,

we're gonna be in
Vietnam Monday morning.

Can't we be AC/DC?

Oh, you're hopeless.

No, baby, you are.

You're playing this
thing way too heavy.

You've got to
take it seriously!

Well, I still think something
should be done about it.

I mean that whole thing
he's moved into is...

Well, it's unhealthy.

Now, calm down honey.

I don't see any harm in
Danny having a little fun

before he leaves for school.

After all, he
and Elliot are two normal

red-blooded American boys.

Well, I gotta get
down to the club.

Normal?

You call that
Elliot Crane normal?

Daddy, I don't see
how you can be so blind.

Well, you have to admit,
my backhand has improved.

Yeah, but your
serve's still lousy.

I didn't see you
serving any aces.

I think your serve is
simply super, sweetheart.

It's your forehand that leaves
something to be desired.

Hey, Elliot, anyone ever
tell you, you're sick?

Only my girlfriend baby,
and he likes me this way.

Hey, Elliot,
I dropped my soap.

Pick it up for me, will you?

Not on your life, lover!

It's not safe for us
girls to bend down

in front of all you silly,
virile, gorgeous, he men.

I want that boy fired,
and I want him fired today.

Oh, come on Barney,

you don't really believe
that kid's a faggot, do you?

Just because he's
been kidding around

in the shower room.

If you'd seen his apartment,

and heard what my
daughter told me,

you'd know he wasn't kidding.

That boy's as
queer as a $3.00 bill.

Oh, Barney, for Christ's sake.

Ed, I'm reminding you, as
chief officer of this club...

What's your problem?

I was canned today.

You're kidding me.

What for?

You tell me.

Foster called me
into his office

and told me I was through.

He said something about

they're not really
needing a lifeguard,

that somebody's daughter
was gonna come in

and give the kids
swimming lessons.

Said something about me being

a bad influence on
the kids or something.

Considering what you've
been doing to their mothers,

they might have a point there.

Yeah, and what's
that supposed to mean?

Nothing, Elliot, nothing.

Look, I'll ask my old man

to find out what
the story is, okay.

Yeah, well, whatever.

I've got $57.00 to
my name and no prospects.

Don't sweat the money,
that I can handle.

I hope the whole thing
blows over soon anyway.

Look, I've got
a date with Karen.

You gonna be around?

Well, if I am, it's
not gonna be by myself.

I'll tell you that right now.

Now, wait a minute, Elliot.

We've got an agreement,
and you stick to it.

I don't see it holding
you back any, champ.

Elliot.

Okay, just be cool, huh.

Don't bring them back here.

Okay?

Hey, Louise.

Well, where is she?

What do you mean
she's getting married?

Who'd marry her?

Yeah, the same to you, buddy!

Look, honey, you'll
really like this place.

It's a new place,

and it's gonna
be a good dinner.

Now, come on.

Danny, no, I don't
want to have dinner.

I want to see where you
and Elliot are living.

You gotta be hungry
after a flight like that.

I'm not hungry.

Danny, are you sure
there's not another girl?

Hey, what would
I want with another girl

when I've got you, huh?

Look at me.

You're all the girl I need.

All right.

Just the same,

I want to see where you
and Elliot are living.

Uh, now?

Yeah, now.

I'm sorry.

It's just that things
aren't that way now.

Well, how are they?

It's just different,
that's all.

Please, Phil, you can't
end it just like this.

Well, you know we were
meant for each other.

Not really, darling.

How can you be so indifferent?

I'm not being anything.

Hi.

Buy you a drink?

Yeah, why not.

Peter.

- It's not what I expected.
- Everybody says that.

You know, just moving in,

we're gonna make a lot
of changes, of course.

That's Elliot's.

Oh.

Where do you sleep?

I'm sleeping
down on the couch,

and we're moving twin beds in.

I'm sorry.

For what?

For suspecting you.

I thought you and Elliot were
living up here with some girl.

Oh, well, now you
know you're wrong.

It's funny, I've never
been this jealous before...

Honey, I don't want you to be
jealous 'cause I'm all yours.

Okay, well, I tell you now,

it was really Elliot
I was worried about.

I envisioned him bringing up all
of his ding-a-ling girlfriends,

and the two of you having a...

You know.

Honey, my taste and
Elliot's taste in women

is totally different.

He likes them dumb and sexy,

and I like them
smart and sexy.

Oh, is that what
I think it is?

Well, it looks like
a fireplace to me.

Does it work?

No.

You mean genuine imitation.

We could fake it.

(Malcolm)
Oh, Craig, it was humiliating...

Much better.

...he was saying,
such a chump, such a chump!

What? Who was that?

Well, that's uh...

that's one of our neighbors.

What kind of a
neighborhood is this?

Yeah.

Look, you know,
I'm really kind of hungry.

Why don't we go?

There's a place a couple
of blocks from here.

We can walk over and get
something to eat, huh.

Boy, you sure
changed your mood fast.

Well, you have to uh...

feed all your appetites.

Okay-

It's a shame, you know, losing
your job and all like that,

for no reason at all.

I know what it's like.

They treat us like we
were diseased or something.

Oh, hey Danny.

Hey listen, that's
one of the gay bars

all the girls have
been talking about.

Can we go in, please?

Honey, what do I want to do
going into a place like that?

Oh come on, I'll protect you.

No, really, it'd be...

Please, one drink.
Come on, please.

Look, a bunch of fruits
hanging all over me.

I don't need it.

Honey.

You know, one time
I had this great job,

secretary to this
big industrialist.

Then there's this big government
contract on the line.

What do I hear from him?

Sorry, Freddy, government
clearances and all.

I was out the door.

And believe me, listen,

I never did any playing
around on the job.

Well, I had this pal
Johnny, when I was...

How about another drink?

There's one behind you,
and he's wearing an earring.

Shh.

I wonder if they have a little
girl's room in this place?

I seriously doubt it.

On second thought...

Danny, isn't that
Elliot over there?

Yeah.

Wonder what he's doing here?

I don't understand, what can
Bruce give you that I can't?

Dorothy, you've
got to understand.

I can't.

Elliot, what are
you doing here?

Danny.

Come on over and join us.

Who's that? Karen?

Listen you.

I saw him first.

Now wait a minute
gorgeous, I've gotta...

Piss off!

Hey, Elliot.

What did you do that for?

Ah, the creep's been
pawing me all night.

What happened?

Ah, some queen tried
to get fresh with me.

But he just wasn't my type.

Come on, let's go some place
and get a little drink.

I think you've had enough.

Who me?

Listen, booze or broads,

there's always room for
one more, I always say.

Right, Elliot.

What?

Nothing, nothing.

Forget about it, Elliot.

Hey, Danny.

I thought we had an agreement.

Not here, Elliot.

Why not?

This is as good a place as any

to get this thing
straightened out.

Do we have an agreement
or don't we have an agreement?

Shut up!

Hey, hey, Danny,
what's he talking about?

What does he mean?

I don't know, honey.
He's just drunk, that's all.

I'm not that drunk, lover boy.

I remember you telling
me, Elliot, baby,

we're gonna give up
broads for the duration.

It's just gonna be
you and I, in our little...

Elliot, I'm gonna put
you right through the wall!

I wouldn't try it lover boy.

What the hell is he
talking about, Danny?

I don't know.

Don't talk to him like that.
I simply won't stand for it.

He's mine, all mine.

Okay, Elliot, he's yours,
he's all yours!

Karen!

Karen, you don't understand!

Karen!

Karen!

Looks like we're stuck
with each other, love.

Oh, I don't understand it.

He seemed like such
a sweet young thing too.

Well, they just
don't seem to make

those sweet young things
like they used to.

Well, I just can't believe it.

You would have if
you'd have been there.

The way they kept arguing about
being faithful to each other.

I don't know.
It was absolutely incredible.

Faithful? Elliot be faithful?

That guy couldn't be faithful
if his life depended on it.

You know, there's
something wrong with him.

I mean it's one thing to be
in a constant state of heat,

but with him, it's like,
I mean it's unnatural.

Look, I'm not
worried about Elliot.

I don't care about Elliot.

It's Danny.

It's like he doesn't even
want to be with a girl.

Karen, you don't think

there's anything wrong
with Danny, do you.

Look it, I'm his sister,

and if there was anything
odd about him, well,

don't you think I would
have noticed it before now?

Ooh, I'm gonna be late.

I've got a
doctor's appointment.

I'll talk to you later.

Wait. Wait.

Wait a second.
Karen, it's not Danny's fault.

If anyone's got a problem,

it's Elliot, not Danny.

I'll talk to you later.

Now, where is she?

AH right, she went sailing.

Sailing, with who?

I don't know.

Some doctor friend or other.

A doctor?

Did she tell you where
the boat was moored?

Somewhere at
the marina, I think.

Well, thanks.

You 're welcome.

Look, you call me
anytime you need help.

Hey, man, I'm
splitting for the beach.

- Is that alright?
- No.

I'm just trying
to be considerate.

Really, some people.

Elliot, I don't want to hear
you do that fag routine again,

do you understand?

Ah.

Look, Elliot, I...

Yoo-hoo, Elliot.

Elliot, Elliot,
Elliot, Elliot.

You are coming
tonight, aren't you?

To what?

To the party.

Craig and I are
having a party,

and everyone's gonna
be there, simply everyone.

It's our annual costume ball,

and you're supposed to come as
your favorite camp character,

Tarzan, Superman,
Judy Garland,

well, you know what I mean.

Of course, come as
someone from a fairy tale.

You bet your sweet biceps.

But all of our friends
are gonna be there, Elliot,

and we want you to meet them

because we know
that you'll find them

absolutely fascinating.

Well, I'll tell Danny
when I get back,

but I doubt he'll come.

He simply has nothing to wear.

Oh well, tell
him not to worry.

I'll find him something.

You're a doctor,
what do you think?

I think your friend
has a problem.

Well, what do you think
she should do about it?

Well, unless she's one
of those sick types

that prefers that
sort of relationship,

I'd say she should
drop him fast.

But, he seemed so
normal in the beginning.

Latent tendencies sometimes
don't show themselves

until there's a crisis.

What did they accuse him of?

Oh, you're putting me on.

Well, did he actually
try anything with the kids,

or did he...

You're kidding.

My dad?!

Well, that's funny.

He never said anything about
it at dinner last night.

What does Elliot
usually do on his day off?

What brings little sister
out here into mans country?

Oh, well, I don't think
I'm so little, do you?

Not when you put it that way.

Well, I hear
you're pretty good.

I could have told you that.

At outdoor sports.

I'm good at everything.

Outdoors, and indoors.

Well, then, prove it.

I thought you didn't dig me.

Well, I can change
my mind, can't I?

Hey, Elliot!

Hey, one of these nights,
I might just give you a call.

What's the matter
with right now?

Well, I'm right
in the middle of a game.

Oh, are you
looking for excuses?

Elliot, you're
breaking up the game!

Well, I think you'd
better make a decision.

Is it gonna be them,
or is it gonna be me?

What's it gonna be?

God, I guess he don't
wanna play with us anymore.

Hey, come on Joe, let's go.

Hey, come on.

Well, where did Danny go?

I don't know,
he left this morning.

Well, do you
think he'll be back?

Hey, maybe this wasn't
such a good idea after all.

What's the matter,
you got cold feet?

N0, R's...

Look, you're Danny's sister.

Oh, come on.

It's not incest or anything.

You guys are only roommates.

Look, when you
make up your mind

whether you like girls or not,

I'll be upstairs.

Where have you been?

I've been on pins
and needles waiting.

I had to be careful.

I think she's
having me watched.

Well, this is the last place
they'd think of looking for you.

I don't know what's wrong.

This never happened
to me before.

Me either.

Maybe you just
don't like girls.

What's that supposed to mean?

Don't you think
I know what you are?

Uh...

I can't trust you
for a second, can...

Lesley?

It's true what
Karen said about you.

What did she say?

Nothing.

You two can kiss and
make up for all I care.

Never let it be said
that I was a home wrecker.

Nothing happened,
Dan, nothing.

Yeah.

Lesley!

Lesley!

Hi.

Lesley!

Surprise, surprise, surprise!

Have I got a girl for you.

Da-da!

Well, didn't Elliot tell you?

Danny, it's our annual costume
ball, and it's tonight.

It's going to
be absolutely mad.

I'm going to be heaven.

Here now take this, dear.

Now, I've got
5,413 things to d0,

and you're going
to be stunning.

Bye.

Transylvania, here I come.

Get dressed, and I'll escort
you to the party personally.

If that's the way
you feel about it.

(Doorbell ringing)

Elliot! Hello.

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Everybody's here.

So let me see.

What?

Your costume,
let me see your costume.

How bold!

Hey, everybody!

This is Elliot,
our next-door neighbor.

Hi, Elliot.

How do?

How are you?

Wanna dance?

Oh!

So thrilled you could come.

Well, let's have a look.

Fabulous, fabulous!

Simply fabulous.

Well, you said
to be imaginative.

I certainly did.

Indeed.

Where's Danny?

Oh, he's back in
the bedroom sulking.

I don't know
what's eating him.

Well, let's go drag him out.

Oh, I don't know.

I think we should leave
him alone for a while.

You know, he's simply impossible
when he gets this way.

I know just what you mean.

Malcolm gets the same
way when she's upset.

Come, let's have a drink.

Where did you find him?

Him is our next-door
neighbor Elliot,

and he's married.

Don't stain the
carpet, Pagliacci.

Go take your heart pill.

Come, Elliot.

Elliot.

He is a brute, isn't he?

Yeah, but he's not gonna
get away from me tonight.

I got a big investment in him.

Honey, you don't
stand a chance.

You're hardly his type.

Oh, and this is
Myra Brokenbridge.

Oh, charming.

Cool it.

And over here,
this is Cleopatra.

Hi.

And this is heaven.

Hi, Elliot.

And this is Judy Streisand.

Yeah, she went
over the rainbow,

and somebody broke her nose.

You Egyptian asp.

Excuse me.

Calm down.

What's a girl like you,
doing in a place like this?

Lord only knows.

These parties of Malcolm's
are just impossible.

Let me freshen up your drink.

Love it.

Hi, honey, remember
me from The Lush Life?

Flake off.

Sure didn't take you
long, did it honey?

Plus, you didn't
have to be rude.

He's some fag I met
at a party last night.

Let's get away
from these queens.

This is a nice
place to relax in.

God, it's so stuffy in there.

I don't know why
Malcolm insists

on throwing those
parties at his place

when Dick's is
so much more suitable.

Oh, Dickey's is divine.

Oh, it's in there sweetie.

Well, I must say,

his costume is rather
inappropriate for the theme.

Oh, I don't know.

I'd love to be a stewardess

and entertain all those
handsome executives.

They'd never take you
honey, not with your legs.

Oh, up yours.

Coffee, tea or me.

Danny?

You're messing up my hair.

Oh, it's nice and soft.

You're nothing but...

Well, what'd you
expect, Ann-Margret?

What's the matter, boy?

Don't you like drag queens?

(Laughing)

It's not that unusual.

I talked to a doctor.

He said that he'd...

We've gotta be away from
each other for a while,

so you can think about things.

No, I don't time need
to think things over.

I love you,
and I want to marry you.

Don't you understand that?

I asked the airline
for a transfer.

I'm leaving for Miami.

No' no' no' no' You...

You were gonna
transfer to San Francisco.

Well, like I said, I...

I talked to the doctor,

and he said that he thought
you needed time to be alone,

without the pressures of trying
to make a difficult decision.

You needed time
to re-evaluate things,

what you want to
do with your life.

Honey, I know exactly what
I want to do with my life.

I want to be a lawyer,

and I want to marry you,

and I want to have children.

Don't you realize
that this whole thing

is nothing but a hoax

that Elliot and I dreamed
up to avoid the draft.

That we are perfectly normal.

Honey, we're perfectly...

I'll show you
that we're perfectly...

Danny, Danny, please,
there's nothing to prove.

Hey, I understand.

Elliot tells me
you're sulking.

Now, let's have none of that.

Oh, hello.

Craig, not now, huh? Please?

Of course, I understand.

Everybody seems to understand.

Pleased to have met you.

Look, honey.

I've got a flight
leaving in an hour.

Can...

Can I at least have some
place to write to you?

No.

I don't think that would
be too good an idea.

Hello.

Danny, you naughty boy.

Look...

Well, you're not even dressed,

and after all the
trouble I went through

to get you the outfit.

Danny, come over if
you want to, to the party.

Excuse me.

I'll never know
what he saw in you.

Eat your heart out, honey.

Grow some hair on your chest, and I
might give you a call one night.

Yeah, I'll have
that in writing.

I love your beads.

I can't take my eyes off of
you for one minute, can I?

Well, what's a girl to do?
Lock herself in a closet.

You were supposed
to be here hours ago!

Let go of my arm, Vince,
you're hurting me!

Are you gonna let him
talk to me like that?

You can do better
than her, Vince.

I know a real girl that...

You bastard!

You're a fine one to talk!

You wouldn't even know
how to satisfy a girl!

Why don't you take your dress
off and fight like a man!

If she takes her
dress off for anybody,

it's going to be me.

Watch who you're
grabbing, mac!

Take your greasy hands
off him, Miss Thing!

You butt out, bitch!

It is none of your business!

You come with me, handsome,

and let these girls
work it out for themselves.

Listen sweetie,
I told you last night!

Am I gonna get beat up again?

Now, are you ready to go home?

Sorry for the tiff, dear.

Oh, that's quite all right.

Goodnight.

I detest cheap notoriety.

Well, so do I,

but wasn't that punch divine?

Dad, I couldn't tell you.

I couldn't tell anybody.

I was afraid that if they started
sending investigators around,

started questioning people,

somebody was gonna slip up

and tell them
that we were normal.

I'm sorry you didn't
come to me sooner, Dan.

I'm sure a
competent psychiatrist

might have been able to
help you with your problem.

Dad, didn't you hear me?

Didn't you listen
to what I said?

The whole thing was a hoax
from the beginning to the end!

Elliot and I are
perfectly normal!

Oh, come off it, Dan.

What do you take me for?

Don't you think
I know about Elliot?

Why else do you think I had
him fired from the club?

We can't have
perverts like him

coming into contact
with our children.

Those Army doctors
are no fools, Dan.

It's their job to spot fellows
like you with problems.

I don't know.

I thought that you were
glad that I got deferred.

Not that way.

Do you realize that
this'll be on your record

for the rest of your life,

that you'll never be able
to hold any kind of a job

requiring a
security clearance?

Did you ever ask any
of your fairy friends

what it's like to have a stigma
like that attached to them?

Did you, huh?

Dad, I'm trying to
tell you something!

Don't tell me,
tell your Draft Board!

I'm sorry, Devlin,

but there's nothing
I can do about it.

It's out of my hands.

Don't you see that
I'm admitting to you

that the whole
thing was a fake,

that we just thought it
up just to make you think...

You don't seem to hear
what I'm telling you, Devlin.

Now, regardless
of your intentions,

you've been found unsuitable
for military service.

Now, in plain words, boy,

Uncle Sam doesn't want you.

Hey, Danny.

He wouldn't buy it, huh?

Yeah, it figures,
after the party last night.

I wasn't even there.

But I was.

And it figures, you
told me to be convincing,

and I guess ljust assumed...

Well, it's like you said,

"it's better than getting your
butt shot off in Vietnam".

It just didn't turn
out like I planned.

Well, where to now?
Back to your folks?

That's the last place
in the world I want to go.

No, I'll go up north and try
and find some place to live

until school starts, I guess.

What about you?

I think I'll head
down to Florida.

I hear that beach boys do all
right with the horny old broads.

Will I see you before you go?

No, I'm gonna take
off this afternoon.

Well, hang loose old buddy.

This thing will all blow over.

I doubt it.

Those idiots, thinking
that they could fool us.

You really had them
figured, didn't you George?

Well, that's my job, Joe,

to weed out all
the undesirables.

We don't want their kind
in the Army, do we, Joe?