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1
00:01:08,466 --> 00:01:10,434
Shit.
2
00:01:59,083 --> 00:02:01,519
Maybe you shouldn't be doing
all this driving.
3
00:02:01,519 --> 00:02:04,990
Oh, no, it's not you.
The bump's an early riser.
4
00:02:04,990 --> 00:02:07,058
I was online shopping
at five o'clock this morning.
5
00:02:07,058 --> 00:02:10,762
You should see my hall, Horse.
Full of crap I've bought.
6
00:02:10,762 --> 00:02:12,897
- Yeah, I know what you mean.
7
00:02:12,897 --> 00:02:16,134
See the Amazon courier
more than I see Guy.
8
00:02:16,134 --> 00:02:17,635
- Are you all right?
9
00:02:18,470 --> 00:02:20,772
Don't mind me.
It's just the hormones.
10
00:02:20,772 --> 00:02:24,208
- Hey, are you sure?
- Yeah, of course. All good.
11
00:02:26,778 --> 00:02:28,513
Oh, it's good of you
to take me,
12
00:02:28,513 --> 00:02:31,016
but I can't have you
waiting about.
13
00:02:31,016 --> 00:02:33,852
- I'll get a bus back. Honestly.
- Oh, don't worry.
14
00:02:33,852 --> 00:02:35,854
I'm not rushing back
for anythin'.
15
00:02:35,854 --> 00:02:39,790
Oh. Besides, when you come out,
you could do me a small favour.
16
00:02:41,559 --> 00:02:43,495
I need someone
to practise the Botox on.
17
00:02:43,495 --> 00:02:45,764
You can't do it on
yourself when you're pregnant,
18
00:02:45,764 --> 00:02:49,600
and you've got some tasty
worry lines I could sort out.
19
00:02:50,601 --> 00:02:52,470
Guy?
20
00:02:52,470 --> 00:02:54,805
Too busy. Anyway, he doesn't
seem to worry about anything.
21
00:02:55,973 --> 00:02:57,208
No lines.
22
00:02:59,644 --> 00:03:02,547
Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah.
23
00:03:02,547 --> 00:03:04,816
Aw, thanks, Horse!
24
00:03:04,816 --> 00:03:05,983
You remind me of me grandad.
25
00:03:07,285 --> 00:03:09,420
He used to let me
put ribbons in his hair.
26
00:03:24,602 --> 00:03:25,770
Ms Dalton?
27
00:03:28,206 --> 00:03:31,076
- Watch me carpet.
- Sorry, mate. Sorry.
28
00:03:31,076 --> 00:03:32,711
- You all right?
- Yeah. Yeah.
29
00:03:42,653 --> 00:03:44,522
Shit.
30
00:03:45,757 --> 00:03:47,625
I know you.
31
00:03:47,625 --> 00:03:49,126
- I know you.
32
00:03:50,561 --> 00:03:52,931
- What?
- I know you.
33
00:03:52,931 --> 00:03:54,699
I know you.
Where do I know you from?
34
00:03:54,699 --> 00:03:57,969
Um, Dickie Pump's Pub?
35
00:03:57,969 --> 00:03:59,437
I'm banned.
36
00:04:00,805 --> 00:04:04,943
Big Baps? Big-- No, banned.
37
00:04:04,943 --> 00:04:06,511
Uh...
38
00:04:06,511 --> 00:04:09,047
Oh! Army! Were you in the...
39
00:04:09,047 --> 00:04:12,751
No? Fucking hell.
I know ya. I know ya.
40
00:04:12,751 --> 00:04:14,185
Oh, God. I never forget a face,
41
00:04:14,185 --> 00:04:15,654
especially if I've seen it
in uniform.
42
00:04:15,654 --> 00:04:17,756
It's always in there.
43
00:04:17,756 --> 00:04:19,891
I was a redcoat
at Butlin's once.
44
00:04:19,891 --> 00:04:21,726
Butlin's? No.
45
00:04:23,594 --> 00:04:25,196
What's your name?
46
00:04:25,196 --> 00:04:26,865
- Horse.
- Horse.
47
00:04:26,865 --> 00:04:29,968
Oh, like the...
Yeah.
48
00:04:29,968 --> 00:04:31,703
Hey, have you got a tab
on you, mate?
49
00:04:31,703 --> 00:04:34,906
- What?
- Got a tab? You know, a cig.
50
00:04:34,906 --> 00:04:37,809
Or, uh, you know,
I won't mind a...
51
00:04:37,809 --> 00:04:38,943
I'm gagging.
52
00:04:39,944 --> 00:04:41,112
Ticket number 50.
53
00:04:47,085 --> 00:04:49,454
- Guy, barely seen
54
00:04:49,454 --> 00:04:52,890
each other all week.
Sweetheart, please call me back.
55
00:04:57,061 --> 00:04:58,429
Darren!
56
00:04:59,697 --> 00:05:01,499
Oh. Hello, Yvonne.
57
00:05:01,499 --> 00:05:03,535
Uh, Darren, can you do me
a big favour?
58
00:05:03,535 --> 00:05:05,670
Horse is in the job hub.
Bob in and check
59
00:05:05,670 --> 00:05:07,505
he's still alive, will you?
I've been here ages.
60
00:05:07,505 --> 00:05:09,607
I've actually got
a meeting to go--
61
00:05:09,607 --> 00:05:11,142
With Guy?
62
00:05:11,142 --> 00:05:13,078
Uh, uh, no. As a matter
of fact, it's with a--
63
00:05:13,078 --> 00:05:14,779
I should've gone in with him, really,
64
00:05:14,779 --> 00:05:17,048
but they'd have my wheels
around here. Be a love.
65
00:05:19,217 --> 00:05:20,251
Okay.
66
00:05:20,251 --> 00:05:21,619
Thank you.
67
00:05:28,827 --> 00:05:32,097
Take a seat. Someone will
be with you in...
68
00:05:32,097 --> 00:05:33,732
quite a while, actually.
69
00:05:33,732 --> 00:05:36,901
Oh, no, I'm--
I'm just looking for, um...
70
00:05:36,901 --> 00:05:37,969
Oh, uh...
71
00:05:41,005 --> 00:05:42,640
Have you been sacked as well?
72
00:05:43,908 --> 00:05:46,177
Uh, certainly not, uh, yet.
73
00:05:46,177 --> 00:05:49,114
Um, no, uh,
Y-Yvonne w-was just wondering--
74
00:05:49,114 --> 00:05:50,649
Mr Mitchell!
75
00:05:50,649 --> 00:05:51,983
That's me.
76
00:05:51,983 --> 00:05:54,152
- Oh, uh, well-- But I--
- See you.
77
00:05:54,152 --> 00:05:56,821
Well, I'll-- I'll just sit down.
78
00:05:56,821 --> 00:05:58,690
Mind the carpet.
79
00:05:58,690 --> 00:05:59,857
Take a seat.
80
00:06:06,464 --> 00:06:08,132
Got an HGV licence?
81
00:06:09,500 --> 00:06:12,436
Well, I drive a, uh,
mobility scooter.
82
00:06:13,471 --> 00:06:14,906
There's some
shelf stacking here.
83
00:06:14,906 --> 00:06:18,610
W-What happened
to "The job of me dreams"?
84
00:06:18,610 --> 00:06:21,612
Does warehouse work
feature in your dreams at all?
85
00:06:22,847 --> 00:06:24,749
Can't I just stay
on the Disability?
86
00:06:24,749 --> 00:06:27,452
Well, you've been certified fit
for work, Mr Mitchell.
87
00:06:27,452 --> 00:06:30,689
Well, I'm fit for nowt, love,
and I've got no money coming in.
88
00:06:30,689 --> 00:06:32,757
You shouldn't have
gotten yourself sacked, then.
89
00:06:37,662 --> 00:06:39,464
What you reading?
90
00:06:39,464 --> 00:06:42,434
Oh, it's, um--
It's rather good, actually.
91
00:06:42,434 --> 00:06:45,437
It's about the, uh,
the Women's Kurdish Militia.
92
00:06:45,437 --> 00:06:48,173
I took on that lot in Iraq.
I mean, it was them
93
00:06:48,173 --> 00:06:50,775
or some fucking terrorist
outfit, know what I mean?
94
00:06:50,775 --> 00:06:53,712
Oh, uh, I think you'll find that
they're not actually terrorists.
95
00:06:53,712 --> 00:06:55,880
Sorry, are you telling me
that I don't know
96
00:06:55,880 --> 00:07:00,952
what I'm talking about?
I was there, mate. I was there.
97
00:07:00,952 --> 00:07:03,021
No. I wouldn't dream--
98
00:07:03,021 --> 00:07:04,823
What have you got it for, then?
99
00:07:04,823 --> 00:07:07,225
Uh, a friend lent it to me.
She was in it.
100
00:07:07,225 --> 00:07:10,528
So, you are friends
with these fuckers?
101
00:07:11,796 --> 00:07:15,600
Well, no, actually.
Not--Not anymore.
102
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:17,235
You better not be.
103
00:07:17,235 --> 00:07:18,970
Lend us a couple quid
for some scram?
104
00:07:18,970 --> 00:07:21,773
I, uh, I don't actually
carry cash these days.
105
00:07:21,773 --> 00:07:23,808
Fucking contactless society, man.
106
00:07:23,808 --> 00:07:25,810
It's just absolutely
killed off begging.
107
00:07:25,810 --> 00:07:27,846
Come on, mate.
You must have a fiver.
108
00:07:27,846 --> 00:07:29,848
- Well, how long is it gonna be
109
00:07:29,848 --> 00:07:31,482
before I get me dole?
110
00:07:34,018 --> 00:07:36,988
Mr Mitchell, do you remember
111
00:07:36,988 --> 00:07:39,491
the Claimant Commitment
you signed?
112
00:07:39,491 --> 00:07:40,992
Yeah.
113
00:07:40,992 --> 00:07:42,060
No.
114
00:07:42,060 --> 00:07:45,096
Uh, well, maybe.
115
00:07:45,096 --> 00:07:49,534
'Kay. In order to be eligible
for benefits, you signed
116
00:07:49,534 --> 00:07:53,171
a Department for Work and
Pensions Claimant Commitment.
117
00:07:53,171 --> 00:07:55,106
- Did I?
- You did.
118
00:07:55,106 --> 00:07:58,643
And when you got sacked,
you broke that contract.
119
00:07:58,643 --> 00:08:01,078
So you've been given
a benefit sanction.
120
00:08:03,581 --> 00:08:05,083
Is that good?
121
00:08:05,083 --> 00:08:07,085
If you feel
you've been unfairly sanctioned,
122
00:08:07,085 --> 00:08:10,455
you can challenge the decision
using form C68
123
00:08:10,455 --> 00:08:13,725
or referring your complaint
to the local ombudsman.
124
00:08:13,725 --> 00:08:15,961
What?
125
00:08:15,961 --> 00:08:18,530
No benefit for eight weeks.
126
00:08:18,530 --> 00:08:20,565
- No money?
- Nope.
127
00:08:20,565 --> 00:08:23,969
- But I--
- Zero pounds, zero pence.
128
00:08:31,509 --> 00:08:33,979
Okay, look,
there is a hardship allowance
129
00:08:33,979 --> 00:08:36,581
or an emergency loan
you can apply for
130
00:08:36,581 --> 00:08:39,818
if you've any dependants
or you're pregnant.
131
00:08:39,818 --> 00:08:41,753
Any children at all?
132
00:08:41,753 --> 00:08:44,489
- No.
- Are you pregnant?
133
00:08:44,489 --> 00:08:45,991
- Are you having a laugh?
- Well, we have to ask.
134
00:08:45,991 --> 00:08:47,492
I've been on a course.
135
00:08:48,593 --> 00:08:49,995
No.
136
00:08:49,995 --> 00:08:52,530
So, it's an emergency loan
you're after?
137
00:08:52,530 --> 00:08:54,733
Well, I haven't eaten
for about three days, love.
138
00:08:54,733 --> 00:08:58,569
I mean, is that not, like,
an emergency?
139
00:09:01,740 --> 00:09:02,873
Okay.
140
00:09:16,988 --> 00:09:18,089
What's that?
141
00:09:19,223 --> 00:09:20,424
My lunch.
142
00:09:22,527 --> 00:09:24,495
I'm supposed to be
on a diet anyway.
143
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:34,072
No. Very kind of you, love,
but no. I can't take-- No.
144
00:09:34,072 --> 00:09:36,207
Thank you. No. No!
145
00:09:37,975 --> 00:09:39,110
Shit.
146
00:09:43,014 --> 00:09:44,715
Mind me carpets.
147
00:09:47,719 --> 00:09:49,821
Help me up onto this chair. Thanks.
148
00:09:49,821 --> 00:09:51,222
Uh, right.
149
00:09:51,222 --> 00:09:52,957
- What exactly are you--
150
00:09:52,957 --> 00:09:54,859
are you trying to do?
151
00:09:54,859 --> 00:09:56,794
Right.
152
00:09:58,062 --> 00:09:59,096
Okay.
153
00:10:00,465 --> 00:10:04,001
Can I--Can I have
your attention, please?
154
00:10:07,038 --> 00:10:09,874
- Oi!
- Oh! All right.
155
00:10:10,775 --> 00:10:13,979
I came over here from Liverpool
in the '80s.
156
00:10:13,979 --> 00:10:16,247
I worked, and I paid me stamps.
157
00:10:16,247 --> 00:10:20,051
Roofing, tarmac laying,
whatever I could to work.
158
00:10:21,085 --> 00:10:23,488
'Cause that's what I did.
I worked.
159
00:10:23,488 --> 00:10:25,223
Horse, can we talk about this
at ground level?
160
00:10:25,223 --> 00:10:27,158
Won't take long. Promise.
161
00:10:27,158 --> 00:10:29,194
But then me shoulders went,
didn't they?
162
00:10:29,194 --> 00:10:31,195
'Cause of the hod-carrying.
163
00:10:32,063 --> 00:10:34,799
My knees got jiggered
because of the bricklaying.
164
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:37,502
And I've always had
a dodgy chest
165
00:10:37,502 --> 00:10:39,037
ever since I was a kid.
166
00:10:39,037 --> 00:10:41,039
But I was all right, you know?
167
00:10:41,039 --> 00:10:43,941
'Cause I got me sick pay.
I got me scooter.
168
00:10:44,809 --> 00:10:46,978
Not a lot to live on,
but enough, you know?
169
00:10:46,978 --> 00:10:48,480
Enough to get by.
170
00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:50,849
All right, mate. Come on.
171
00:10:50,849 --> 00:10:51,983
You've had your say, yeah?
172
00:10:51,983 --> 00:10:53,852
No! No, I haven't.
173
00:10:56,187 --> 00:11:00,525
But then things changed,
you know?
174
00:11:00,525 --> 00:11:04,128
People got, I don't know, mean.
175
00:11:05,196 --> 00:11:07,632
Meaner than the Thatcher days,
176
00:11:07,632 --> 00:11:09,134
and I never thought
I'd say that.
177
00:11:09,134 --> 00:11:11,168
And suddenly, I'm a scrounger.
178
00:11:11,969 --> 00:11:15,439
That fucking hurts, that word.
Fucking scrounger.
179
00:11:16,941 --> 00:11:19,811
They started
poking round in me life.
180
00:11:19,811 --> 00:11:22,080
Do I cook me own food?
181
00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:25,050
How many times a night do I use
the toilet? Do I piss meself?
182
00:11:25,050 --> 00:11:26,985
Are my knees still jiggered
183
00:11:26,985 --> 00:11:28,720
after all these years
of hard work,
184
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:30,889
or am I just fucking pretending?
185
00:11:30,889 --> 00:11:33,591
'Cause we don't trust
your type anymore.
186
00:11:35,126 --> 00:11:38,797
Then I had to go
to this disability assessor--
187
00:11:38,797 --> 00:11:41,433
This "doctor" who says to me,
188
00:11:41,433 --> 00:11:45,236
"Horse, mate,
you're a miracle cure!
189
00:11:45,236 --> 00:11:49,207
You're not disabled anymore.
You can work.
190
00:11:49,207 --> 00:11:52,010
And if you don't work,
you don't fucking eat."
191
00:11:52,010 --> 00:11:53,712
So, this is it.
192
00:11:53,712 --> 00:11:56,548
- If I can't eat, I'm gonna die.
- Horse, no!
193
00:11:56,548 --> 00:11:59,484
Well, at least maybe someone
will notice if I do it this way.
194
00:11:59,484 --> 00:12:01,252
- Fucking right, mate.
- Sorry about the mess.
195
00:12:01,252 --> 00:12:03,822
At least it's on
the old bit of carpet, hey?
196
00:12:03,822 --> 00:12:06,057
No, I can't--
197
00:12:08,126 --> 00:12:09,761
- Shit.
- Christ!
198
00:12:09,761 --> 00:12:11,796
- It's not you, Avi.
- You all right, mate?
199
00:12:15,233 --> 00:12:16,468
I'd know what to do
if he were drowning
200
00:12:16,468 --> 00:12:18,203
or having a heart attack.
201
00:12:18,203 --> 00:12:20,205
We didn't cover this
in First Aid.
202
00:12:20,205 --> 00:12:22,741
How do you know
he's not having a heart attack?
203
00:12:22,741 --> 00:12:24,609
- Oh, shit!
204
00:12:24,609 --> 00:12:27,045
- Do you think?
- Oh, come on, let's get him up.
205
00:12:27,045 --> 00:12:28,613
Hey. Come on,
give us a hand here.
206
00:12:28,613 --> 00:12:30,115
- Oh, God.
- Is he all right, Darren?
207
00:12:30,115 --> 00:12:32,217
I don't know.
I don't know what is going on.
208
00:12:32,217 --> 00:12:35,654
Well, you wouldn't, would ya?
I haven't eaten in days.
209
00:12:35,654 --> 00:12:38,690
Got no gas to make
a decent cup of tea.
210
00:12:38,690 --> 00:12:41,860
And I've got no money
to feed the fucking meter!
211
00:12:41,860 --> 00:12:43,595
Found it! Right.
212
00:12:43,595 --> 00:12:47,565
You have just started
a revolution, mate.
213
00:12:47,565 --> 00:12:51,770
I admire people like you,
people who change the world.
214
00:12:51,770 --> 00:12:53,738
And you take this, right,
215
00:12:53,738 --> 00:12:56,107
you get back up there,
and you finish the job.
216
00:12:56,107 --> 00:12:59,778
Like the man says, you've
started, so you should finish.
217
00:12:59,778 --> 00:13:02,180
- I'm-- I'm not sure now.
- No, no, no, listen.
218
00:13:02,180 --> 00:13:04,816
Don't be put off by some wuss
who's scared of a bit of blood.
219
00:13:04,816 --> 00:13:07,852
You are gonna go down
in history.
220
00:13:07,852 --> 00:13:13,258
Martin Luther King, Gandhi,
Che Guevara, Horse!
221
00:13:13,258 --> 00:13:16,661
Hey, I'm not bothered
about going down in history.
222
00:13:16,661 --> 00:13:18,563
Maybe I should give the guy
his knife back.
223
00:13:18,563 --> 00:13:21,832
Ah, yeah. That's one option.
It's a bit disappointing.
224
00:13:23,201 --> 00:13:24,869
Option two...
225
00:13:26,104 --> 00:13:28,473
we rob the fuckers.
226
00:13:28,473 --> 00:13:30,175
But there's no money here,
is there?
227
00:13:30,175 --> 00:13:32,043
It's a dole office, isn't it?
228
00:13:32,043 --> 00:13:33,745
Yeah, apart from the staff.
229
00:13:33,745 --> 00:13:36,982
All right, folks!
Uh, this is a robbery.
230
00:13:36,982 --> 00:13:38,817
So, anyone on benefits,
you got two minutes
231
00:13:38,817 --> 00:13:41,486
- to fuck off out of it.
- What's the matter with this--
232
00:13:41,486 --> 00:13:43,088
Wait-- Not-- Not-- Not--
Not you.
233
00:13:43,088 --> 00:13:45,657
- But I'm on benefits as well.
- Get with the programme.
234
00:13:45,657 --> 00:13:47,258
We're partners in crime now, right?
235
00:13:47,258 --> 00:13:50,195
Definitely not Mr Fucking Friend
of the Islamic State.
236
00:13:50,195 --> 00:13:52,697
Off you go! Go on!
237
00:13:52,697 --> 00:13:55,634
- What are you doing? Go.
- I'm not on benefits.
238
00:13:55,634 --> 00:13:57,702
Yeah, but you're a kid,
and you've got one leg.
239
00:13:57,702 --> 00:13:58,903
- So?
- So, I'm not robbing
240
00:13:58,903 --> 00:14:00,137
a hop-a-long, am I?
241
00:14:05,276 --> 00:14:06,478
Did someone call the police?
242
00:14:09,914 --> 00:14:12,883
I wouldn't go in there if I
was you. All sorts of weird.
243
00:14:14,786 --> 00:14:15,886
Sorry.
244
00:14:18,823 --> 00:14:19,957
Sorry.
245
00:14:21,125 --> 00:14:22,159
Sorry.
246
00:14:25,930 --> 00:14:27,499
- Sorry.
- Ah, Jesus.
247
00:14:27,499 --> 00:14:29,034
You're not very good at this,
are ya?
248
00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:31,036
Sorry.
249
00:14:31,036 --> 00:14:33,738
Right, folks.
Me friend here's been fired.
250
00:14:33,738 --> 00:14:35,573
I'm gonna come round again.
But this time,
251
00:14:35,573 --> 00:14:37,509
we're gonna dig a bit deeper,
all right?
252
00:14:37,509 --> 00:14:40,011
So, as well as all major
credit cards, cash and phones,
253
00:14:40,011 --> 00:14:42,947
I will also be taking jewellery,
254
00:14:42,947 --> 00:14:45,717
recreational
and prescription drugs, cigs,
255
00:14:45,717 --> 00:14:47,952
and all house and car keys.
All right?
256
00:14:49,220 --> 00:14:51,690
Horse? You've been ages.
Can we go?
257
00:14:51,690 --> 00:14:52,857
Um...
258
00:14:54,092 --> 00:14:56,227
Hello. Having a robbery.
259
00:14:56,227 --> 00:14:57,428
Sorry, are you pregnant?
260
00:14:58,263 --> 00:15:00,665
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Ten minutes of lovin'.
261
00:15:00,665 --> 00:15:03,001
One in the oven.
262
00:15:03,001 --> 00:15:05,136
Okay, right. What you got?
263
00:15:05,136 --> 00:15:08,740
Yeah? Oh, aye, yeah.
Oh, yeah, now we're talkin'.
264
00:15:08,740 --> 00:15:10,475
You.
265
00:15:10,475 --> 00:15:13,511
Oh. It's always
the quiet ones, isn't it?
266
00:15:13,511 --> 00:15:15,146
What's this? This is--
Is this whizz or posh?
267
00:15:15,146 --> 00:15:17,248
- Posh.
- Posh? Posh and Prozac.
268
00:15:17,248 --> 00:15:19,084
Whoa, cocktail hour. Beautiful.
269
00:15:19,084 --> 00:15:22,554
Coke! You head up
our zero-tolerance drugs policy.
270
00:15:22,554 --> 00:15:24,789
I confiscated it off a client,
we got rounded in,
271
00:15:24,789 --> 00:15:27,225
- and then this all kicked off.
- What you got? Oh, no, no, no.
272
00:15:27,225 --> 00:15:28,793
- Not that.
273
00:15:31,229 --> 00:15:32,797
A compass?
274
00:15:32,797 --> 00:15:35,567
Well, batteries die,
and gadgets malfunction.
275
00:15:35,567 --> 00:15:36,901
But you're never lost
with a compass.
276
00:15:36,901 --> 00:15:38,803
- Okay.
277
00:15:38,803 --> 00:15:40,905
Today.
278
00:15:40,905 --> 00:15:42,040
- Thank you.
279
00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:44,876
Well, it's been lovely, folks,
280
00:15:44,876 --> 00:15:46,611
but I'm gonna have to skedaddle.
281
00:15:46,611 --> 00:15:48,580
Uh, let's stay in touch.
Christmas cards, et cetera.
282
00:15:48,580 --> 00:15:50,749
So, thanks for all the goodies.
283
00:15:50,749 --> 00:15:53,485
I'm just gonna say goodbye,
so long,
284
00:15:53,485 --> 00:15:56,621
auf Wiedersehen, ta-ra.
285
00:16:14,906 --> 00:16:16,141
- Okay, give me the keys.
- Hmm?
286
00:16:16,141 --> 00:16:17,509
Give me the keys
to the front door.
287
00:16:17,509 --> 00:16:20,078
- Here, here.
- Which one is it?
288
00:16:20,078 --> 00:16:22,013
- The blue one! The blue one.
- The blue one. Right.
289
00:16:22,013 --> 00:16:23,581
- Don't move. Don't move.
- You hand over the keys?
290
00:16:25,883 --> 00:16:27,986
You're supposed
to protect us!
291
00:16:27,986 --> 00:16:30,889
You think I'm gonna get stabbed
for £9.50 an hour?
292
00:16:30,889 --> 00:16:32,590
- Get fucked, Saj.
293
00:16:32,590 --> 00:16:34,192
- Police!
- Right, back! You, get back.
294
00:16:34,192 --> 00:16:36,494
Get back. Back in the room.
Back. You and all, back.
295
00:16:36,494 --> 00:16:38,096
Okay, everyone stay calm.
Don't worry.
296
00:16:38,096 --> 00:16:40,465
We're gonna fuckin'
come up with a plan.
297
00:16:40,465 --> 00:16:42,733
- It's the police! Open the door!
298
00:16:44,068 --> 00:16:45,102
Police!
299
00:16:49,207 --> 00:16:51,142
Pictures of 'em
all over social media, Sarge.
300
00:16:54,278 --> 00:16:56,581
Oh, shit.
301
00:16:56,581 --> 00:16:59,150
- I know this one.
- Might need more backup?
302
00:16:59,150 --> 00:17:00,819
No, no, no, no.
He's an harmless old fellow.
303
00:17:00,819 --> 00:17:02,720
He can hardly bloody walk.
304
00:17:04,922 --> 00:17:06,991
I can talk him out of there.
Come on.
305
00:17:10,862 --> 00:17:12,631
There goes my elevenses.
306
00:17:12,631 --> 00:17:14,633
I've never seen
so many happy pills.
307
00:17:14,633 --> 00:17:16,134
You should try working here, love.
308
00:17:16,134 --> 00:17:18,103
You should try signing on here.
309
00:17:21,439 --> 00:17:22,574
Can I try some?
310
00:17:22,574 --> 00:17:24,542
- Say please.
- Please.
311
00:17:24,542 --> 00:17:26,177
No, you can't.
312
00:17:26,177 --> 00:17:27,812
We're police officers out here.
313
00:17:27,812 --> 00:17:29,214
We know you've got a weapon.
314
00:17:29,214 --> 00:17:31,116
We don't want this
to end in tragedy.
315
00:17:31,116 --> 00:17:33,184
- Tragedy?
- Give yourselves up now.
316
00:17:33,184 --> 00:17:35,654
Okay, so, we're gonna need
a plan, Horsey.
317
00:17:35,654 --> 00:17:38,223
Well, my plan is to go outside
and apologise.
318
00:17:38,223 --> 00:17:40,759
Yeah, I don't remember
Che Guevara doing that, though.
319
00:17:40,759 --> 00:17:42,160
Come on, mate. You started this.
320
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:43,862
I know, I know.
That's why I'm going out.
321
00:17:43,862 --> 00:17:46,765
No, no, you don't. You sit down.
Sit down! Okay?
322
00:17:46,765 --> 00:17:48,867
- Fine, I'll come up with a plan.
323
00:17:48,867 --> 00:17:51,469
Uh. I just need to, um-- Uh--
324
00:17:51,469 --> 00:17:53,138
Fuck.
325
00:17:53,138 --> 00:17:55,040
Fucking...
326
00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:56,708
- Shut up!
327
00:17:56,708 --> 00:17:59,044
You know? Fucking hell!
328
00:17:59,044 --> 00:18:01,579
Right.
So, on account of the fact
329
00:18:01,579 --> 00:18:03,748
that we are now surrounded
by coppers,
330
00:18:03,748 --> 00:18:05,883
you lot are all hostages!
331
00:18:06,918 --> 00:18:09,420
And that is the plan.
332
00:18:11,956 --> 00:18:13,825
We go over live
to Kate Brimmy
333
00:18:13,825 --> 00:18:15,493
for a breaking news story.
334
00:18:15,493 --> 00:18:17,195
And the main news
in Yorkshire today
335
00:18:17,195 --> 00:18:19,497
is an armed siege
at a Sheffield Job Hub
336
00:18:19,497 --> 00:18:21,533
where the employees
have been taken hostage
337
00:18:21,533 --> 00:18:23,167
by two men wielding knives.
338
00:18:26,871 --> 00:18:28,940
- Nath!
- Hey, hey!
339
00:18:28,940 --> 00:18:30,942
- Get back through to the line.
- Tell fucking jobsworth here
340
00:18:30,942 --> 00:18:32,744
to get his hands off me!
341
00:18:32,744 --> 00:18:34,412
It's all right, it's all right.
I'll deal with this.
342
00:18:35,513 --> 00:18:37,015
- Stop behaving like a pillock.
- What?
343
00:18:37,015 --> 00:18:38,883
Horse is in there.
344
00:18:38,883 --> 00:18:40,719
Why do you think I'm here?
It's all over the bloody web.
345
00:18:40,719 --> 00:18:42,754
I don't know what's going on,
kid, but I'll sort it.
346
00:18:42,754 --> 00:18:45,557
Have you been
smoking puff?
347
00:18:45,557 --> 00:18:47,758
There's a bloke with
a bloody knife in there, Dad.
348
00:18:48,659 --> 00:18:50,762
Look, we're trained for this.
We know what we're doing.
349
00:18:50,762 --> 00:18:52,097
- Now piss off.
- Yeah, great track record
350
00:18:52,097 --> 00:18:53,865
the police have got
at de-escalating.
351
00:18:53,865 --> 00:18:56,735
What's the plan? Stun grenades
and tear gas, is it?
352
00:18:56,735 --> 00:18:58,035
Back off, Dad.
353
00:19:00,038 --> 00:19:01,439
PC Bond.
354
00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:04,542
Get this man out of here, please.
355
00:19:04,542 --> 00:19:06,011
Call the Alsatian off.
356
00:19:06,011 --> 00:19:07,511
It's all right, Lee.
It's all right.
357
00:19:08,846 --> 00:19:11,149
- Sir.
- What?
358
00:19:11,149 --> 00:19:13,852
Building plan has come through.
Back doors are chained,
359
00:19:13,852 --> 00:19:14,952
but there might be
another way in.
360
00:19:23,061 --> 00:19:24,696
- Horse! Horse!
- Horse, who's that?
361
00:19:24,696 --> 00:19:26,498
Who the fuck is that?
362
00:19:26,498 --> 00:19:27,999
Oh, that's me mate, Gaz.
363
00:19:27,999 --> 00:19:29,067
Oh, is it?
364
00:19:29,067 --> 00:19:30,134
Horse!
365
00:19:31,903 --> 00:19:33,604
- Oi!
- Dad?
366
00:19:35,673 --> 00:19:37,575
Dad! Dad.
367
00:19:40,044 --> 00:19:42,013
What you doing?
368
00:19:42,948 --> 00:19:46,050
Aren't people supposed to break
out of sieges, not into 'em?
369
00:19:48,486 --> 00:19:50,921
Fucking "Dad"? That copper
definitely said "Dad."
370
00:19:52,090 --> 00:19:54,626
Okay, are you
Plain Clothes Plod, mate?
371
00:19:54,626 --> 00:19:56,127
- You what?
- Are you the Dibble in disguise?
372
00:19:56,127 --> 00:19:58,029
I'm his dad for real!
373
00:19:58,029 --> 00:20:01,466
I blame meself.
Too liberal a parent, you see.
374
00:20:01,466 --> 00:20:03,568
Told him you can be
anything you like.
375
00:20:03,568 --> 00:20:05,670
Astronaut, footballer, whatever.
376
00:20:05,670 --> 00:20:07,706
- He chooses policeman.
- You what?
377
00:20:07,706 --> 00:20:11,176
- Kids, they break your heart.
- Do they?
378
00:20:11,176 --> 00:20:13,645
You broke his heart, you know!
Wanker in a hat!
379
00:20:13,645 --> 00:20:17,182
- Hello, Gaz.
- Darren! Yvonne.
380
00:20:17,182 --> 00:20:18,883
It's like a party.
381
00:20:18,883 --> 00:20:21,452
So, uh, what's going on?
382
00:20:23,087 --> 00:20:24,556
So far, the armed men
383
00:20:24,556 --> 00:20:26,624
are refusing to negotiate
with the police.
384
00:20:26,624 --> 00:20:28,927
We don't know
what their demands are yet.
385
00:20:28,927 --> 00:20:30,895
- But we did see earlier
- Oi! Come here!
386
00:20:30,895 --> 00:20:32,964
the extraordinary sight
of a member of the public
387
00:20:32,964 --> 00:20:35,133
joining the hostages
inside the building.
388
00:20:35,133 --> 00:20:37,135
Our friend? Gaz?
389
00:20:37,135 --> 00:20:38,870
Correct.
390
00:20:38,870 --> 00:20:40,839
Might have known.
Bloody typical.
391
00:20:40,839 --> 00:20:42,807
But surely this begs
the question:
392
00:20:42,807 --> 00:20:46,978
Is the current police presence
enough to handle the situation?
393
00:20:46,978 --> 00:20:49,214
So, it all got
a bit out of hand.
394
00:20:49,214 --> 00:20:51,616
I mean, he sort of took over.
395
00:20:51,616 --> 00:20:53,685
Yeah, well, that's 'cause
someone had to, didn't they?
396
00:20:53,685 --> 00:20:55,854
'Cause you bottled it, Horse.
Look, the thing is, mate.
397
00:20:55,854 --> 00:20:57,689
Right. I've done a robbery now.
398
00:20:57,689 --> 00:20:59,758
I've sort of taken all of
these hostages. That's, like--
399
00:20:59,758 --> 00:21:01,860
That's, like, raised
the stakes a bit.
400
00:21:01,860 --> 00:21:03,628
- You know what I mean?
- You could say that.
401
00:21:03,628 --> 00:21:04,896
Did I ask for your opinion, sweetheart?
402
00:21:04,896 --> 00:21:06,464
Have it for free.
403
00:21:06,464 --> 00:21:08,066
And trust me,
I'm not your sweetheart.
404
00:21:08,066 --> 00:21:10,902
Wait-- Wait a minute. There's an
easy answer to this one.
405
00:21:10,902 --> 00:21:12,804
Give everybody their shit back.
406
00:21:12,804 --> 00:21:14,472
Won't be a robbery, will it?
407
00:21:15,506 --> 00:21:17,442
Oh, that's good.
408
00:21:17,442 --> 00:21:18,843
Mmm.
409
00:21:20,745 --> 00:21:21,879
What about the knife?
410
00:21:23,281 --> 00:21:25,183
- Anybody see a knife?
- No.
411
00:21:25,183 --> 00:21:26,818
'Cause if nobody saw you
with a knife,
412
00:21:26,818 --> 00:21:28,687
wouldn't be a crime,
would there?
413
00:21:28,687 --> 00:21:30,221
Mmm.
414
00:21:30,221 --> 00:21:32,557
I was just fitting the carpet.
415
00:21:32,557 --> 00:21:34,459
Yeah, yeah, but, um...
416
00:21:34,459 --> 00:21:36,528
Moment of madness, Horse.
We all have 'em.
417
00:21:36,528 --> 00:21:38,863
And you did it to harm yourself.
418
00:21:38,863 --> 00:21:41,032
Yeah. True. That's true. Yeah.
419
00:21:41,032 --> 00:21:44,602
- Good. Are we all good?
- Yeah. Absolutely.
420
00:21:44,602 --> 00:21:47,138
Quickest way to get home in time
for tea and Eastenders.
421
00:21:47,138 --> 00:21:48,907
And what-- what about
the hostage taking?
422
00:21:48,907 --> 00:21:50,842
- What hostage taking?
- Yeah, what hostage taking?
423
00:21:50,842 --> 00:21:54,392
Maybe I took my lunch break
at my desk. A long lunch break.
424
00:21:54,392 --> 00:21:56,494
Maybe she did. She was here
because she wanted to be...
425
00:21:56,494 --> 00:21:58,463
- Yeah.
- ...as were we all.
426
00:21:58,463 --> 00:21:59,964
- Absolutely.
- Yeah, and who wouldn't want
427
00:21:59,964 --> 00:22:01,599
to spend their day
in our Job Hub?
428
00:22:01,599 --> 00:22:04,669
Exactly. A sentiment
I can only agree with, sir.
429
00:22:04,669 --> 00:22:08,206
Now, did anyone else feel
in the least bit hostage-y?
430
00:22:08,206 --> 00:22:09,307
- Not at all.
- No.
431
00:22:09,307 --> 00:22:10,375
I did.
432
00:22:10,375 --> 00:22:12,077
Is it all right to kick a child?
433
00:22:12,077 --> 00:22:13,378
Fucking hell.
434
00:22:13,378 --> 00:22:16,347
Now, uh, the lost
property bin here.
435
00:22:16,347 --> 00:22:18,917
Give it all back.
436
00:22:18,917 --> 00:22:20,385
So, if I just, like,
get the bin.
437
00:22:20,385 --> 00:22:22,087
And give it back.
438
00:22:22,087 --> 00:22:24,155
- Just gonna give it back.
- Mmm.
439
00:22:24,155 --> 00:22:25,222
I'm giving it back.
440
00:22:29,060 --> 00:22:32,163
Nine grand's worth
of engagement ring there.
441
00:22:32,163 --> 00:22:34,232
1.8 carats.
442
00:22:34,232 --> 00:22:37,702
- Bag of carrots, more like.
- I'm sorry?
443
00:22:37,702 --> 00:22:41,706
Rounded edges,
failed the fog test.
444
00:22:41,706 --> 00:22:46,277
Paste. Good paste, but, uh,
give you 150 quid tops.
445
00:22:46,277 --> 00:22:48,980
And what would you know
about diamond jewellery?
446
00:22:48,980 --> 00:22:51,416
One of the few advantages
of having an ex-burglar
447
00:22:51,416 --> 00:22:52,984
as a husband, love.
448
00:22:52,984 --> 00:22:54,919
Do you know,
c-can I keep the coke?
449
00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:58,957
Yeah. Yeah. It's not
like it was mine, anyway.
450
00:22:58,957 --> 00:23:00,324
Brilliant. Love coke, me.
451
00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:04,295
Aw...
452
00:23:04,295 --> 00:23:06,264
I'm on a repeat prescription, love.
453
00:23:06,264 --> 00:23:07,565
Plenty more
where they came from.
454
00:23:07,565 --> 00:23:08,666
That's magic.
455
00:23:09,934 --> 00:23:11,368
Grand. We're out of here!
456
00:23:16,741 --> 00:23:17,908
Sarge.
457
00:23:25,550 --> 00:23:26,617
He's bloody done it.
458
00:23:29,187 --> 00:23:30,221
All good here.
459
00:23:40,932 --> 00:23:43,234
Back in! Back in! Back in.
Back in.
460
00:23:43,234 --> 00:23:46,271
- Fuck.
- Get back.
461
00:23:46,271 --> 00:23:48,339
You're
surrounded by armed officers.
462
00:23:48,339 --> 00:23:50,508
- Come out with your hands up.
463
00:23:51,609 --> 00:23:53,611
Fuck off!
464
00:23:53,611 --> 00:23:55,846
For God's sake,
they were coming out!
465
00:23:57,081 --> 00:23:58,115
Cheers, pal.
466
00:24:00,051 --> 00:24:02,620
Okay, what now, brainiac?
I don't fancy getting shot.
467
00:24:02,620 --> 00:24:04,555
- Easy, mate.
468
00:24:06,057 --> 00:24:09,494
I'm sorry, Gaz.
Haven't eaten in days.
469
00:24:09,494 --> 00:24:13,264
- All right.
- Ooh, now that you mention it,
470
00:24:13,264 --> 00:24:15,233
this morning's muesli
seems a long time ago.
471
00:24:15,233 --> 00:24:17,102
And I threw up me breakfast.
472
00:24:17,102 --> 00:24:19,104
Yeah, I'm pretty hungry,
actually. I-- I would eat.
473
00:24:19,104 --> 00:24:20,605
- Yeah. I would eat.
474
00:24:20,605 --> 00:24:24,275
All right, all right.
I'll order a takeaway!
475
00:24:24,275 --> 00:24:25,910
I'm opening negotiations.
476
00:24:26,745 --> 00:24:29,080
And could you get us
a cake?
477
00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:31,950
Nathan, kid, we'll talk about
those fuckers with guns
478
00:24:31,950 --> 00:24:35,519
in a minute, but right now,
do you have a pen handy?
479
00:24:38,689 --> 00:24:40,558
Pineapple on a pizza.
480
00:24:40,558 --> 00:24:43,461
Try asking for that in Sicily.
See what you get.
481
00:24:43,461 --> 00:24:46,297
Concrete wellies, that's what.
482
00:24:46,297 --> 00:24:48,166
You're not taking them
in yourself, Lomper,
483
00:24:48,166 --> 00:24:51,102
- and that's final.
- I am. They're my friends.
484
00:24:51,102 --> 00:24:53,037
I know how these things end.
485
00:24:53,037 --> 00:24:55,206
I'll be walking behind
a horse-drawn hearse
486
00:24:55,206 --> 00:24:56,708
in widow's garb.
487
00:24:56,708 --> 00:24:58,943
You'd get me
a horse-drawn carriage?
488
00:24:58,943 --> 00:25:01,279
- Certainly.
- Thanks, love.
489
00:25:01,279 --> 00:25:03,348
And the catering
will be magnificent.
490
00:25:03,348 --> 00:25:04,883
I'm not dead yet.
491
00:25:04,883 --> 00:25:07,552
Well, it never hurts
to plan ahead.
492
00:25:07,552 --> 00:25:10,388
Oh! Now, if they think they can
demand gluten-free bread
493
00:25:10,388 --> 00:25:12,457
at such short notice,
they've another thought coming.
494
00:25:12,457 --> 00:25:14,892
A touch of IBS is the least
of their worries.
495
00:25:23,568 --> 00:25:26,171
Hey, since when
did you bloody smoke?
496
00:25:26,171 --> 00:25:27,639
Since I was about
to get gunned down
497
00:25:27,639 --> 00:25:29,541
in a hail of bullets,
that's when.
498
00:25:29,541 --> 00:25:31,342
Customer left them.
499
00:25:31,342 --> 00:25:33,378
Oh, my legs are like jelly.
500
00:25:33,378 --> 00:25:34,646
I told you not to come.
501
00:25:34,646 --> 00:25:36,681
There's a principle at stake.
502
00:25:36,681 --> 00:25:40,685
I have a duty to the man I love.
Even if it kills me.
503
00:25:40,685 --> 00:25:42,187
You've got a duty, all right.
504
00:25:42,187 --> 00:25:43,922
This is the last
of the lemon drizzle.
505
00:25:43,922 --> 00:25:46,291
You have a duty to go back
and bake another one.
506
00:25:46,291 --> 00:25:48,259
'Cause when we're finished here,
507
00:25:48,259 --> 00:25:49,928
I'm gonna eat
the whole bloody thing.
508
00:25:49,928 --> 00:25:52,163
- Now, come on.
- What? A-Are you coming with me?
509
00:25:52,163 --> 00:25:55,166
Well, you can't carry all this
on your tod, can ya?
510
00:25:55,166 --> 00:25:56,500
Let's go.
511
00:25:59,537 --> 00:26:03,475
If owt bad happens,
look after the pigeons.
512
00:26:03,475 --> 00:26:05,543
If you let anything bad happen,
513
00:26:05,543 --> 00:26:07,445
your pigeons are going
on the bloody menu
514
00:26:07,445 --> 00:26:09,880
with a redcurrant
and beetroot sauce.
515
00:26:11,249 --> 00:26:12,283
I love you.
516
00:26:19,223 --> 00:26:21,025
Right, so leave the food
at the door,
517
00:26:21,025 --> 00:26:22,427
ascertain the state
of the hostages,
518
00:26:22,427 --> 00:26:24,162
and walk slowly back here.
519
00:26:24,162 --> 00:26:25,964
- Are we clear?
- Clear.
520
00:26:25,964 --> 00:26:27,432
Right. On you go. Go on.
521
00:26:31,703 --> 00:26:34,205
The food is coming in.
522
00:26:35,506 --> 00:26:36,975
Hand it over.
523
00:26:36,975 --> 00:26:39,010
Hang on a minute.
How you doing, Horse?
524
00:26:39,010 --> 00:26:43,181
Been better, to be honest, lads.
Not feeling all that great.
525
00:26:43,181 --> 00:26:45,383
- Shift, you. Go on. Shift.
- Hey! Watch my foot.
526
00:26:45,383 --> 00:26:46,917
- Comin' in.
- Hey!
527
00:26:49,954 --> 00:26:51,922
What is wrong with them all?
528
00:26:56,628 --> 00:26:58,296
Whoa! Whoa, whoa!
529
00:26:58,296 --> 00:27:00,198
You can't bring food
into this area, really.
530
00:27:00,198 --> 00:27:02,133
Oh! You're welcome
to watch, Saj.
531
00:27:02,133 --> 00:27:03,902
Very popular siege, this,
isn't it?
532
00:27:03,902 --> 00:27:05,203
You sure they're not coppers?
533
00:27:05,203 --> 00:27:07,906
I definitely recognise him.
And him.
534
00:27:07,906 --> 00:27:10,008
And him, too.
535
00:27:10,008 --> 00:27:11,876
I know you lot from somewhere.
536
00:27:11,876 --> 00:27:15,914
I just can't fucking--
It's doing me fucking head in.
537
00:27:15,914 --> 00:27:19,284
Pineapple on pizza.
Marvellous. Mmm.
538
00:27:19,284 --> 00:27:22,520
That were you? For God's sake,
don't tell Dennis,
539
00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:24,589
he'll send armed coppers in himself.
540
00:27:24,589 --> 00:27:27,258
- Is this gluten-free?
- No.
541
00:27:31,562 --> 00:27:33,131
What are you doing here?
542
00:27:33,131 --> 00:27:34,999
I'm just Deliveroo, me.
543
00:27:34,999 --> 00:27:37,368
I'd like to hear your excuse, though.
544
00:27:37,368 --> 00:27:39,237
Thought Horse was in trouble.
545
00:27:39,237 --> 00:27:41,305
Oh. And it's Gaz to the rescue,
again, is it?
546
00:27:42,406 --> 00:27:43,574
How's that working out for you?
547
00:27:45,309 --> 00:27:47,045
Lemon drizzle, anybody?
548
00:27:47,045 --> 00:27:49,114
Oh, aye. Fucking hell yes, mate.
That's mine.
549
00:27:49,114 --> 00:27:50,248
Here, you have that one.
550
00:27:50,248 --> 00:27:51,615
Lemon drizzle's gone.
551
00:27:53,217 --> 00:27:55,053
Fucking love lemon drizzle.
552
00:27:57,455 --> 00:28:00,024
You know what? I've not had this
553
00:28:00,024 --> 00:28:02,326
since me uncle Mike was released
from prison for arson.
554
00:28:05,130 --> 00:28:06,531
Okay.
Uh, this one is pepperoni.
555
00:28:06,531 --> 00:28:08,299
It's Miller.
He's got demands.
556
00:28:08,299 --> 00:28:10,468
He wants a fully fuelled
Ford Focus RS2.
557
00:28:10,468 --> 00:28:11,535
Ah. Good choice.
558
00:28:12,336 --> 00:28:15,673
Safe passage to Newark--
Sorry, New York.
559
00:28:15,673 --> 00:28:17,242
In a Ford Focus?
560
00:28:17,242 --> 00:28:20,311
Coke, antidepressants...
561
00:28:22,146 --> 00:28:23,547
...and more pizza
with pineapple.
562
00:28:24,916 --> 00:28:26,484
It's gonna be a long day.
563
00:28:28,085 --> 00:28:31,423
That lemon drizzle cake
certainly shut him up.
564
00:28:31,423 --> 00:28:36,327
Hey. Guy never told us you were
eating for two. Good for you.
565
00:28:36,327 --> 00:28:38,963
Yeah, congrats.
566
00:28:38,963 --> 00:28:43,001
What, three days in Budapest,
and Guy never mentioned it once?
567
00:28:43,001 --> 00:28:45,437
- Budapest?
- Guy's stag do.
568
00:28:45,437 --> 00:28:47,272
Stag do? You're getting wed?
569
00:28:47,272 --> 00:28:49,474
What? Of course. What--
570
00:28:49,474 --> 00:28:52,911
- You've RSVP'd, for starters.
- Have I?
571
00:28:52,911 --> 00:28:55,279
Said you can't come 'cause
you and Jean are off to Crete.
572
00:28:57,415 --> 00:29:00,251
- Still waiting for your reply.
573
00:29:00,251 --> 00:29:02,620
Darren, you work with him.
He must have told you.
574
00:29:04,055 --> 00:29:07,092
- In-- In Budapest?
- No. You didn't go.
575
00:29:07,092 --> 00:29:10,128
Let everybody
down at the last minute.
576
00:29:10,128 --> 00:29:13,598
And you never put your hand
in your pocket all weekend.
577
00:29:13,598 --> 00:29:15,500
Well, now, that's nice,
I must say.
578
00:29:15,500 --> 00:29:19,604
Refused to go in the spa because
it was 67 quid a session.
579
00:29:19,604 --> 00:29:21,539
It does sound a lot.
580
00:29:21,539 --> 00:29:25,877
And the things you got up to
with that barmaid in the hotel.
581
00:29:25,877 --> 00:29:28,112
I'm surprised you're still
on the guest list.
582
00:29:30,314 --> 00:29:33,651
- When did we go again?
- Two weekends ago!
583
00:29:33,651 --> 00:29:36,154
- Surprised I could afford it.
- No. You couldn't.
584
00:29:36,154 --> 00:29:38,523
Guy paid for your ticket,
and Gaz hijacked one
585
00:29:38,523 --> 00:29:41,426
of those golf buggies to get you
through the airport.
586
00:29:41,426 --> 00:29:43,461
- Cheers, Gaz.
- You're welcome.
587
00:29:45,496 --> 00:29:46,530
Yvonne, love.
588
00:29:48,099 --> 00:29:49,300
We, uh...
589
00:29:52,504 --> 00:29:54,004
You didn't go?
590
00:29:55,072 --> 00:29:58,042
Budapest. What? N-None of you?
591
00:30:00,912 --> 00:30:02,981
You really didn't eat
that 32-ounce steak
592
00:30:02,981 --> 00:30:04,415
that got everyone free drinks?
593
00:30:05,316 --> 00:30:08,986
I would definitely
have remembered that. Sorry.
594
00:30:10,688 --> 00:30:14,392
He sent me texts about
what you were all getting up to.
595
00:30:14,392 --> 00:30:18,162
Came back utterly shagged out
from your antics. Oh, my God.
596
00:30:20,131 --> 00:30:21,599
Sounds like a great weekend.
597
00:30:21,599 --> 00:30:22,900
Real bender.
598
00:30:24,502 --> 00:30:26,036
Can't believe I didn't go.
599
00:30:27,438 --> 00:30:29,507
Guy's a compulsive liar,
isn't he?
600
00:30:31,075 --> 00:30:33,678
I knew he massaged
the truth a bit,
601
00:30:33,678 --> 00:30:37,148
but this is industrial scale.
602
00:30:39,550 --> 00:30:41,252
I'm supposed to be marrying him.
603
00:30:43,354 --> 00:30:45,056
Perhaps he's having
some sort of breakdown.
604
00:30:45,056 --> 00:30:48,927
It's a highly pressurised
environment at Excello--
605
00:30:48,927 --> 00:30:50,628
Don't stick up for him!
You didn't even get an invite
606
00:30:50,628 --> 00:30:52,263
to his imaginary stag do!
607
00:30:53,164 --> 00:30:55,233
M-Maybe you two
can have a little chat
608
00:30:55,233 --> 00:30:56,401
once we're out of here, eh?
609
00:30:56,401 --> 00:30:58,369
It'll be more than a chat.
610
00:31:00,671 --> 00:31:02,340
Hey, where are you going?
611
00:31:02,340 --> 00:31:05,476
Toilet! Just try and stop me.
612
00:31:18,656 --> 00:31:23,361
Right, ladies and gents,
now we've all had a bite to eat,
613
00:31:23,361 --> 00:31:27,699
may I suggest we draw
this happy gathering to a close?
614
00:31:27,699 --> 00:31:29,033
What do you say?
615
00:31:30,368 --> 00:31:32,303
Shall we all move
towards the exit
616
00:31:32,303 --> 00:31:34,038
in a quiet and orderly manner?
617
00:31:34,038 --> 00:31:36,341
Oi! Oi! Whose siege is this?
618
00:31:36,341 --> 00:31:39,511
No, no, no, no, mate. I-I-I
don't wanna tread on your toes,
619
00:31:39,511 --> 00:31:42,981
but you see,
we've all had enough now.
620
00:31:42,981 --> 00:31:46,284
So, why don't you just
give us the keys?
621
00:31:46,284 --> 00:31:48,119
Back off, mate.
622
00:31:48,119 --> 00:31:50,655
All good sieges have to come
to an end sometime, mate.
623
00:31:50,655 --> 00:31:52,190
- Don't come at me.
- Give us the keys.
624
00:31:52,190 --> 00:31:53,691
Don't come at me.
Don't-- Don't come at me.
625
00:31:53,691 --> 00:31:55,660
- Give us the keys.
- Don't fucking come at me!
626
00:31:55,660 --> 00:31:57,362
Fuck!
627
00:31:57,362 --> 00:31:59,230
Look, I don't like it
when people come at me!
628
00:31:59,230 --> 00:32:00,698
- Is he all right?
629
00:32:00,698 --> 00:32:02,434
Get him sat down.
Hurry up. Here we go.
630
00:32:02,434 --> 00:32:03,935
Oh, shit.
631
00:32:03,935 --> 00:32:06,070
I said, didn't I?
I said don't come at me.
632
00:32:06,070 --> 00:32:09,407
Help him. Go on.
Help him. He needs help.
633
00:32:09,407 --> 00:32:11,443
Press against the wound. Right.
Harder, that's it.
634
00:32:11,443 --> 00:32:13,044
Keep your arm elevated.
Come on.
635
00:32:13,044 --> 00:32:14,279
- Shit!
- First aid kit!
636
00:32:14,279 --> 00:32:16,448
Yeah. Now, where was it?
637
00:32:16,448 --> 00:32:18,950
Dave-- Dave, I'm bleeding.
638
00:32:18,950 --> 00:32:20,452
Yeah, press hard against it.
Press hard.
639
00:32:20,452 --> 00:32:22,287
- Cool.
640
00:32:22,287 --> 00:32:24,089
Get back in your box, you,
or I'll clock you.
641
00:32:24,089 --> 00:32:27,459
Oh, Dave.
Feeling a bit weird now, Dave.
642
00:32:27,459 --> 00:32:29,494
Is it bad?
643
00:32:29,494 --> 00:32:33,098
It's not fatal. You'll live
to piss us all off another day.
644
00:32:33,098 --> 00:32:35,400
- You sure?
- If it's the last thing I do,
645
00:32:35,400 --> 00:32:36,968
my friend.
646
00:32:41,940 --> 00:32:44,342
- Are you all right, love?
647
00:32:44,342 --> 00:32:46,410
Yeah, fine.
I just need to sit down.
648
00:32:47,912 --> 00:32:50,115
I'm-- I'm fine.
649
00:32:50,115 --> 00:32:51,950
I'll get you some water.
650
00:32:51,950 --> 00:32:54,886
Fuck! Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
I've got it!
651
00:32:54,886 --> 00:32:57,689
Uh, it's you, you, you and you!
652
00:32:57,689 --> 00:33:00,325
Uh, fucking men in uniform!
653
00:33:00,325 --> 00:33:02,160
Security guards' uniforms!
654
00:33:02,160 --> 00:33:04,462
In that Working Man's Club.
About a billion years ago.
655
00:33:04,462 --> 00:33:06,064
Oh.
656
00:33:06,064 --> 00:33:07,465
- Strippers!
- What?
657
00:33:07,465 --> 00:33:11,636
You were! Strippers!
Fucking yes!
658
00:33:11,636 --> 00:33:13,438
They were, like,
really bad strippers, but, like,
659
00:33:13,438 --> 00:33:15,940
really good and all.
They went all the way. They did!
660
00:33:15,940 --> 00:33:17,442
I've seen your penis,
haven't I?
661
00:33:17,442 --> 00:33:20,178
How did you see? It was supposed
to be women only.
662
00:33:20,178 --> 00:33:23,481
Snuck in the back with Bodger,
didn't I? Fucking strippers.
663
00:33:23,481 --> 00:33:26,951
I knew it. I told you.
Never forget a face.
664
00:33:26,951 --> 00:33:29,988
- Are you still doing it?
- What do you think?
665
00:33:29,988 --> 00:33:31,656
Oh, no, no, no.
This doesn't feel right.
666
00:33:31,656 --> 00:33:33,591
It can't come now.
It would be too early.
667
00:33:33,591 --> 00:33:35,527
There you go. There you go.
We need to get you out of here.
668
00:33:35,527 --> 00:33:37,128
- Come on, lads.
- Hey, hey! Do the dance.
669
00:33:37,128 --> 00:33:39,264
For them. Go on, do the dance.
670
00:33:39,264 --> 00:33:41,332
Can barely walk, mate.
671
00:33:41,332 --> 00:33:43,101
Oh, come on.
Since you're all here.
672
00:33:43,101 --> 00:33:44,536
We're a couple short, actually.
673
00:33:44,536 --> 00:33:46,304
It was 25 years ago,
674
00:33:46,304 --> 00:33:48,273
and you've just tried
to fucking kill me. So, no--
675
00:33:48,273 --> 00:33:50,075
- Do you know what?
- Oh, Christ!
676
00:33:50,075 --> 00:33:55,146
That everyone is forgetting
whose gig this is.
677
00:33:55,146 --> 00:33:57,382
- Now, I asked you nicely.
678
00:33:57,382 --> 00:34:01,185
So, do the fucking dance.
679
00:34:05,456 --> 00:34:09,894
Well, maybe we can remember
the fundamentals, right?
680
00:34:09,894 --> 00:34:12,297
You what?
You on the Charlie as well?
681
00:34:12,297 --> 00:34:15,300
Oh. Liven things up.
Cheer folk up a bit.
682
00:34:15,300 --> 00:34:17,235
Yeah, that's right.
The fucking big guy's
683
00:34:17,235 --> 00:34:18,403
got the right idea.
Now, fucking do it.
684
00:34:18,403 --> 00:34:20,972
Right. Clear some space.
Come on.
685
00:34:20,972 --> 00:34:23,041
Is this more, uh,
imaginary stuff?
686
00:34:23,041 --> 00:34:24,476
You know,
like Yvonne's stag do?
687
00:34:24,476 --> 00:34:27,979
Yes. Yvonne.
Exactly. Listen. Lads, lads.
688
00:34:27,979 --> 00:34:29,981
- Cover your eyes, kid.
- We've got a pregnant woman
689
00:34:29,981 --> 00:34:31,649
in trouble here. I'm not having
her losing the baby
690
00:34:31,649 --> 00:34:34,185
because of that dickhead.
Right, I'm gonna need
691
00:34:34,185 --> 00:34:36,588
- your high vis and your hat.
692
00:34:36,588 --> 00:34:37,989
Come on. Get in a line, lads.
693
00:34:37,989 --> 00:34:40,191
Fucking knew it.
Fucking knew it.
694
00:34:40,191 --> 00:34:42,393
- Should I join in?
- Why not?
695
00:34:42,393 --> 00:34:44,295
Can't be any worse than
what we're about to do.
696
00:34:44,295 --> 00:34:45,697
How long is it since we...
697
00:34:45,697 --> 00:34:47,232
- Right.
- Haven't a clue.
698
00:34:47,232 --> 00:34:49,334
- Right. Come on then, lads.
699
00:34:49,334 --> 00:34:52,437
Let's have it then.
Like it was. Come on.
700
00:34:55,707 --> 00:34:57,275
Wait, wait.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
701
00:34:57,275 --> 00:34:59,077
- The music on the phone.
- Aye.
702
00:34:59,077 --> 00:35:01,246
No need to get
any fucking ideas, mate.
703
00:35:03,047 --> 00:35:05,250
Oh, yeah!
This is what they played.
704
00:35:05,250 --> 00:35:07,051
This is it, right?
Gonna be good.
705
00:35:07,051 --> 00:35:08,886
I'm telling you. I've seen it.
706
00:35:17,128 --> 00:35:19,063
I just remember it being
a bit better than this.
707
00:35:19,063 --> 00:35:21,199
Hey! Have I to put it
through the speaker?
708
00:35:21,199 --> 00:35:24,169
Yeah, 'cause this is dog shit.
It's gonna be all right, this.
709
00:35:24,169 --> 00:35:26,538
They're dead good, I promise ya.
Honestly, it's better than this.
710
00:35:26,538 --> 00:35:28,339
You just warmed up, right?
You just warmed up.
711
00:35:32,010 --> 00:35:34,946
Fucking yes, come on!
Here we go!
712
00:35:34,946 --> 00:35:36,047
Dance!
713
00:35:41,953 --> 00:35:44,321
Better. Yes, lads!
714
00:35:50,261 --> 00:35:51,596
Yeah, take it off.
715
00:35:55,033 --> 00:35:56,601
Go on, lads.
716
00:35:59,204 --> 00:36:02,974
Go on. Spin it! Oh, yes.
Go on. Fucking hell. Go on.
717
00:36:02,974 --> 00:36:05,409
- Shoes, shoes!
- That's it. Come on. Yes!
718
00:36:12,250 --> 00:36:14,352
Oh! Yes! Fuck!
Do you know what I mean?
719
00:36:14,352 --> 00:36:16,420
Belt! Belt! Belt!
720
00:36:18,389 --> 00:36:20,391
Yeah, go on now!
Sexy walk!
721
00:36:22,994 --> 00:36:24,329
It's like 3D!
722
00:36:26,631 --> 00:36:30,135
Oh, yeah! Go on!
Show us your pits!
723
00:36:35,140 --> 00:36:36,207
Whoa!
724
00:36:36,207 --> 00:36:38,476
Get off me! Ow! Ow!
725
00:36:38,476 --> 00:36:40,445
- Ow!
- Keys!
726
00:36:40,445 --> 00:36:42,147
- Right!
- Move along now.
727
00:36:42,147 --> 00:36:43,648
- Thank you.
- Go, go, go!
728
00:36:43,648 --> 00:36:46,551
I-- I can't breathe.
729
00:36:46,551 --> 00:36:48,887
- Horse! You all right, mate?
730
00:36:48,887 --> 00:36:50,555
Police! Nobody move!
Nobody move!
731
00:36:50,555 --> 00:36:52,123
Stay down! Stay down!
Do not move!
732
00:36:52,123 --> 00:36:54,058
Armed police. Do not move!
54049
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