All language subtitles for Never_have_i_ever_S03E02_NF_WEBRip_x264_SMURF+ION10+PECULATE_English

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Look at this creepy DM I got.

It's from a fake account, and it says
Paxton isn't who I think he is.

Devi had spent the last 13 hours

obsessing about this DM
and assuming the worst,

but Eleanor knew better.

Devi has a troll, which is thrilling.

Your social status has skyrocketed so much
that now people hate you. Congrats.

Thank you?

Take a gander.

You got jealous bitches
in surround sound, henny.

Devi hoped Eleanor was right.

Not only because it was fun
to have people be jealous of her,

but because she didn't want anything
to ruin the dream

of her finally dating Paxton.

That's a good point, El.

It's gotta be a troll. I'm writing back.

Think I know my boyfriend better than you.

Hit the bricks, hater! Huh?

Devi, you used to make
that face all the time.

I know! And now my face is so relaxed!

Oh my God,
that's why popular people age better.

Exactly!

Access to constant kissing
is like nature's Botox.

So we're all gonna be
baby-faced bitches forever.

Oh shit, Fab. Forgot about you and Eve.

It's fine. Don't even worry about it.

I'm sure I'll find love again.

Probably with a nice woman
from grad school.

She already sounds amazing.

And I'm sorry.

Thanks, guys.

Oh. The DMer wrote back!

They say, "I'm not a hater,
and I definitely know Paxton."

"I actually used to be you."

Whoa.

What the hell did that mean?

Devi knew Paxton
had hooked up with lots of girls before.

Obviously.

The kid looks like he was born
to walk slowly out of the ocean

in a cologne ad.

But what did the DMer mean
when they said they used to be her?

- What you doing?
- Uh, nothing! Just Googling.

Wait.

"Paxton Hall-Yoshida
is not who you think he..."

What is this?

Someone sent me some random DMs.
Eleanor thinks it's a troll.

So, why are you writing back to 'em?

You have to admit. It's kind of hard not
to respond when someone sends that.

No, it's not.

I mean, whenever people send me rude DMs
about you, I just delete them.

Uh... How many DMs are we...

Leave it, Devi.
You don't want to know.

You're right. You're totally right.

I'm not gonna write to them anymore.
I don't even know why I engaged.

- Guess I'm just gullible.
- Nah, trolls just suck.

Yeah.

But also, this one is right

because I'm not who you think I am.

I'm Batman.

All right, very hilarious.

I'm loving
your dorky uncle jokes.

Where my sports fans at?

M'kay. Where my friends at?

Yay. That's us.

So, you guys want
to come cheer me on on Thursday?

The girls' soccer team made it
to the district championships.

Whoa, that's so cool! We haven't made it
to a championship since the '80s.

And that's only because
the coach put cocaine in the team's water.

Whoa. Anyway, you guys in?

Ugh. I can't.

Ironically,
I'll be at a rival soccer event,

rehearsal for the spring production
of Ted Lasso.

Oy, I'm Keeley, innit?

Dang.

Well, I'll be there,
and I can cheer for both of us.

If I bring my robot
that's recorded Eleanor's voice.

I'm excited.

Excited for what?

My championship on Thursday.

I told you about it.

Wait, this Thursday?

Babe, I don't know if I can come.

We have a huge chem test on Friday.

And with all the extra credit
I've been doing,

I haven't even started studying.

Oh. Yeah, of course. It's okay.

I'm so sorry.

I know that I suck for not going.

I'm just really stressed out.

- But I promise I'll make it up to you.
- It's not a big deal at all.

This is only the districts, not state.

Oh, well, if you go to state,
I'm there for sure.

I can cobble together a third robot
for Thursday.

Don't worry,
your cheering section will be lit.

And also lit
because of the lights on the robots.

Your hands
are bony and cold. Stop!

Hello!

I'm home, despite almost being killed
by someone with a YOLO bumper sticker.

- How was your day?
- Oh, lovely.

Just spent it at the house alone.
No one to bother me.

- I was here the whole day.
- Boy, do I love me some me time.

Kamala, why don't you take
some me time upstairs?

Okay.

Now, as a doctor, I'm obligated to ask.

Is this a passive-aggressive situation
or a dementia situation?

How dare you, Nalu.
I have the brain of a young Zuckerberg.

Nirmala Mami, you can't give Kamala
the silent treatment forever.

We all have to live in this house,
and it's kind of getting uncomfortable.

What Kamala did is unforgivable.

I can't even show my face
at the Malibu temple anymore.

Because you took money
from the offering plate.

Only two dollars. I needed it for parking.

You have to find a way
to make up with Kamala. Okay?

She's not marrying Prashant.
We need to accept that.

We also need to get you a debit card
to pay for parking.

She doesn't understand
what she's thrown away.

It's easy to be independent at her age,

but she doesn't know
how lonely one can be.

You get it, Nalini.
You have no husband or friends.

Wait, what? I have friends.

No, you don't.

I have friends.

I have my temple clique,

my mall-walking clique,
my neighborhood watch clique.

What about my nurse Tracey?

Tracey is your employee.

And she even didn't invite you
for her birthday party.

Oh, that's because she knows I'm not going
to anything that starts at 9:00.

I mean, hold on.
This is not even about me.

This is about you and Kamala.

Can you please find a way
to forgive her so we can all move on?

Devi, I can't take it anymore.

Let's text your DMer.

No, you said it yourself.
It's just a troll.

Well, maybe I was wrong.

It doesn't matter
because I already told Paxton

I won't engage with them.

Of course, Paxton doesn't want you
to talk to the DMer.

I mean, Jeffrey Dahmer
didn't want the police

to look in his refrigerator either.

What was in his refrigerator?

His lover's head.

I can see Paxton having a fridge head.

What? A lot of serial killers
are good-looking.

Enough!

Paxton does not have a fridge head,
and I don't care about the troll!

Mmm... What troll?

Devi has a troll
that says Paxton isn't who he says he is

and that they used to be Devi.

Here, take a look.

How are you signed into my Instagram?

You told us that your password
to everything is Paxton69!,

so I sign in
when you forget to like my post.

- Eleanor!
- Mmm.

How could you resist figuring out
who this is? You're naturally curious.

I know, but I promised Paxton.

Oh. I didn't promise him anything.
We need to send the DMer another message.

No! And why are you a part of this now?

Ooh, we're gonna solve a mystery?
I'm gonna get us snacks.

Mmm.

Okay, so what should we type back?

Oh, how about, "Reveal yourself, coward."

All right. If we're gonna do this,
we're doing this my way.

Let's try,

"At least tell me how you were like me?"

Ooh, that's good, David.

Oh. They're replying back.

They say, "We're both good girls
who got involved with Paxton

because we assumed he was perfect."

"I had loved him since grade school too."

Boom. She outed herself.

How?

There are four elementary schools
that feed into two middle schools

that feed into this high school.

Paxton went to East Elementary.

So all we have to do now is figure out
who he's been romantically linked with

who also went to East with him.

Who has that kind of intel?

Oh, Eric, we need Lady Whistleboy's help.

Who doesn't?

But the identity of Lady Whistleboy
is one of the greatest mys...

Shut up.
Everyone knows it's you. Sit down.

Fine!

- Hey!
- Hi.

Uh, are you guys working on a project?

Nah, we're just figuring out a mystery
in Devi's personal life. You want to join?

No, I need to stretch before practice.

Right! You got to make sure
your kicking leg's nice and limber.

Okay, I don't know anything about sports,

but I will Wikipedia soccer
before the big game.

Thanks, Fab.

She's always going through my stuff.

Mmm.

Hey, wanna come over tomorrow?

I took your advice
and I got a little plant for my garage.

I think it looks nice.

Damn it. He's being really cute.

Devi was feeling a little guilty

for letting Ben talk her
into fraternizing with the enemy.

Feast your eyes.

Although,
using Lady Whistleboy's extensive

and very creepy database,

they had successfully narrowed down
the suspects to four people,

head cheerleader, Jenny Smith,

TikTok hair influencer, Taylor Yu,

hottest person in orchestra, Haley Garcia,

and of course, Zoe Maytag,
no introduction needed.

She felt torn.
She didn't wanna be disloyal to Paxton,

but damn, mystery girl
was getting interesting as hell.

- No phones at the table!
- No!

Here you go, Kamala.

You're speaking to me? You see me?

I have given it a lot of thought,
and I found a way to forgive you.

I'm throwing a mixer tomorrow night,

so that you can get a new fiancé.

What?

Listen,

I'm a modern woman.

You have a Walkman clipped
to your belt right now.

Exactly! Always plugged in.

So I understand on some level, Kamala,

you need to be happy
in your marital relationship.

But if we can get you
a new fiancé really fast,

whom you love, then no one back home
will even notice it's a different guy.

That's quite a plan, Mami.

I know!

I've invited all the eligible grandsons
from my cool temple clique!

And there will be index cards
with flirty icebreakers at the door.

So, I've got intel. It's not Zoe.

She doesn't DM.

She always leaves her insults
in the comments section.

- So that means that...
- Hey.

The vending machine gave me
an extra Chips Ahoy, and I thought of you.

Oh.

Gotta run.

Phew! That was so close.
Anyway, Zoe's a no.

Eleanor, forget it.

Paxton just gave me
a free vending machine cookie.

I know who he is, and he's a good person.

I'm not gonna do this
behind his back anymore.

What you're doing is shitty.

Stop trying to ruin my relationship.

All right. Well, I guess
I'll have to manufacture

some other drama to entertain myself.

Oh, the DMer wrote back.

She says, "I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to help."

"You've already gone through so much."

"Losing a parent during Debussy
is enough heartache for one lifetime."

Whoa, she mentioned your dad.

Yeah. How dare that bitch?

I don't want your help. Leave me alo...

But before Devi could hit send,
she had an epiphany.

Wait, did the DMer just say Debussy?

That's what they played
at the spring concert,

and no student
would be caught dead going to that,

so that means she's in orchestra.

Hello, Haley.

This is the closest location
I could find to a bridge.

So start talking, troll.

Devi, I'm sorry.
I really was trying to look out for you.

You created a fake account,

sent me creepy DMs
with no information in it

to ruin my relationship.

I know, I just... I didn't want you
to know who I was because honestly,

I didn't wanna have to relive it.

Relive what?

Did Paxton kill your dog? Steal your car?

Get specific.
You're not a friggin' horoscope.

Fine.

Basically,

Paxton and I used to be best friends.

I've known his whole family
since fifth grade.

I even went to church with them once

where there was frankly a lot of talk
about how Jesus probably surfed.

Anyways, last summer,
we were messing around

and just started kissing,
which was awesome.

And then we had sex,

which was,
as I'm sure you know, incredible.

Yup, yup, yup. Get onto the bad stuff.

Anyway, I thought that meant
we were gonna be something more,

but then when I got to school
the next day, he iced me out.

That's horrible.

After that, I just hit rock bottom,

which is when I joined orchestra.

Makes sense.

Listen, Haley,

I'm really sorry Paxton did that to you.

I get why you wanted to reach out
and why you went incognito.

I'm also really sorry
I called you a troll.

Maybe things will be different for you,
and I'll be happy if they are.

But as a woman or a friend or whatever,
I just felt like you needed to know.

Devi's troll had turned out
to be an actual person

who was actually hurt by her boyfriend.

She wasn't quite sure
what to do with this information.

Vishwakumar.
Hey, I just wanted you to know

that I think it would be
very unprofessional of me

to use my position as your teacher

to try and get information
from you about your cousin.

Okay.

Which is why I'm not gonna mention
how weird it is

that she hasn't texted me back

after we did karaoke together
a few weeks ago.

But don't worry. I will not be asking
if you might know what's going on there.

Cool.

But... But since it was you
who pulled me aside...

Oh my God, Mr. K, have some dignity.

Fine.

Kamala called things off
with her almost fiancé.

And now my grandmother
is throwing her a mixer tonight

to find her a new one.

- Interesting. Um, what time we talking?
- Seven.

Okay. Thank you, Miss Vishwakumar.

Really great impromptu chat about Tolstoy!

Hey.

Oh. What's going on?

- Do you still have feelings for Devi?
- What?

I saw you hanging out with her yesterday.

You say you have too much studying to do
to come to my championship game,

but you seem to have loads of time
to dick around with her.

What... That's not what happened.

You know how Devi is.

Her problems
just sort of suck everybody in.

She's like if one of those Dune worms
had a flowery backpack

and an annoying voice.

- Do you know what my backpack looks like?
- It's yellow.

That's correct.

Look, you don't have to worry about Devi.

Hey, I promise.

- I just want to know that you're in this.
- Yeah. I definitely am!

And of course I'll be at your game later.
I don't know what I was thinking.

I'm gonna do all my studying tonight,
so that I can focus on this chemistry.

Ah, that stinks and I hated that,

but...

I guess you're forgiven.

Hey, everyone. Look!

I bought us expensive juices!

Thank you, Geeta.

But no slurping.
I need to hear all the flirting.

And do you have any hobbies?

I find that you don't need hobbies
if you love what you do for work.

- Oh, great. And what do you do?
- Mostly autopsies.

Excuse me for just a second.

Oh, no, no, Kamala, I've got it.
Please stay with your new friends.

Okay, great.

No, I could bring you
to the morgue one weekend.

Hi, I'm Rhyah.

My mother-in-law said
she was invited to a party here.

Uh, yes, welcome. I'm Nalini,
and Nirmala is my mother-in-law.

She just went to the eye doctor.
I tried to let her out at the curb,

but she started veering towards
your bushes, so...

- Ah, hello, Rhyah!
- Hi, Nirmala Auntie!

I see you've already met Nalini.

She's a brilliant doctor
with many patients and zero friends.

- I have friends.
- You two should chat.

You are both in the medical field.

- Oh. I'm a dermatologist. What do you do?
- I'm a nutritionist.

And actually I don't consider myself
in the medical field.

Especially now that they focus more
on profits than healing people.

I prefer to exist in the wellness space.

Mm-hmm. Good for you!
Could you excuse me for a second?

I got it! No one else get it!

Manish!

Devi couldn't decide
whether or not to ask Paxton about Haley.

On one hand,
she considered herself a feminist

who would stand up for a sister in need.

But on the other hand,
she also didn't want to end up

in Paxton's Goodwill pile with old Haley.

Looks like feminism was gonna win.

Hey.

So I know I said I wouldn't,

but I kind of kept talking to the troll.

What? Why?

Well, she actually turned out
not to be a troll and was in fact,

Haley,

who then told me
that you had sex with her,

and then kind of blew her off.

That's messed up
that she told you that.

So, it's not true?

No.

Well, I mean, yeah, it's kind of true,
but I didn't do it to be mean.

I panicked, and I didn't know how to deal,
so I just avoided her.

Seemed easier that way.

For you.

But you really hurt her.

You know
she joined orchestra because of you?

People like her
aren't supposed to join orchestra.

All right, I guess
I was kind of a dick back then,

but I wouldn't do that to someone now.

I believe you, but I think
you should apologize to her and...

What?

No. It's weird to bring it up again.

And honestly, she owes me an apology
for trashing me to my girlfriend.

- Paxton. Come on, you were awful to her.
- Devi. Drop it. I'm not apologizing.

- You have to!
- No, I don't.

Well, then I can't be with you!

I...

What?

Damn, you got rid of
this Prince Eric-looking dude?

I'd be furious too if I was your grandma.

He's like CW beautiful.

I know, but even that jawline
doesn't make me ready for marriage.

I'm not ready, either.

I got two roommates,
and we share one suit.

And guess who got it tonight? Your boy!

A lot of laughter
and open body language over here.

Are you the architect,
the anesthesiologist, or the astronaut?

None of the above. Um, I teach English.

At a university? Uh, Stanford, perhaps?

No, at Devi's high school.

That rat hole? Whose grandson are you?

I don't really know my grandparents.

They are back in India,
and I've never visited.

Pati, this is Manish.
He's Devi's favorite teacher.

Where did you grow up?
What do your parents do?

Well, I grew up in central Arkansas
until my parents got divorced. Ruh-roh.

And then my mom moved
to Myrtle Beach to run a nightclub.

And then my dad remarried
a white woman in Baton Rouge,

and now they run an Etsy store
selling Grateful Dead sweatshirts.

Kamala, get the hose!

Pati, stop it.
He'll understand you.

Feel free
to say whatever you want.

I don't speak any Indian languages.

Oh.

- Oh.
- Pati?

- Oh my God.
- Oh my God! She's having a heart attack.

Wait, no, Nalini.

It might not be.
I know this juice shop very well.

She had the mango namaslay,
and that has maca in it.

Thank you, Rhyah, but I'm a doctor.
So I will take it from here.

We're calling an ambulance.

Maca's a stimulant.
Let me just try one thing.

If it doesn't work, we can take her
to the hospital in 30 seconds.

Open your mouth.

- Ah.
- Good.

Oh.

- I feel better.
- You feel better?

Your pulse is better.

What did you just do?

Just a little acupressure
and a calming elixir that I whipped up.

Thank you. Truly.

Okay! I think this is a great time

to just wrap this all up
and say good night.

Hey, um,

that was a really weird date for me,
but would you want to do it again

but without the crowd?

I would.

I understand, sweetie,
but we have to talk about this.

You're mad at me for speaking my truth?

We're mad because you told a girl
in your fashion program

that her designs were ugly.

She stitched reverse pleats
into a burgundy knit.

It was disgusting.

But that doesn't give you the right
to make someone feel bad.

But she's the worst.

She called me a turd yesterday. A turd!

Whoa. Who called you a turd?
I'll kill her.

No one's killing anyone.
Unless it's with kindness.

Rebecca, sweetheart,
I'm not saying this girl's perfect,

but you're a young woman now.

This is the time you decide
what kind of person you wanna be,

and you don't wanna be someone
that doesn't own up to her mistakes.

Fine. I'll say I'm sorry,

but the bigger mistake here
is still those pleats.

- Hi.
- Hey.

So, I'll apologize to Haley.

- You will?
- Yeah, I shouldn't have done that to her.

I was immature
and wasn't ready for anything serious,

but I was a coward about it.

So I ghosted her.

I promise I'll make it right.

Thank you.

So,

I think the mixer was a success,

except for the part
we thought you were dying.

Devi's teacher asked me on a date.

No, not him.

What? What's wrong with Manish?

He's employed. He's handsome. He's Indian.

He looks Indian,

but he has the soul of Seth Rogen
and none of the charm.

He's thoughtful and kind.

And yet he made no effort
to touch my feet.

The astronaut touched them three times,
and he has touched space.

Manish is American.

I don't think we should dismiss him

just because
he wasn't raised to be so traditional.

Oh, great.

I'm glad his family
was happy to throw away a culture

passed down for a thousand generations.

What?

You can do this.

Okay.

Haley, could I talk to you?

What do you want?

I'm just really, really sorry
for what I did to you.

I don't have an excuse.

I... I was a dumbass,
and I shouldn't have done that to you.

- If you don't forgive me, I understand...
- Wait, are you apologizing to Haley?

Because you know
you dicked me over too, right?

We made out at homecoming,
and then you never talked to me again.

Oh, yeah.

I-I'm sorry about that, Meghan.

Th-Th-That was also shitty of me.

Handy at the planetarium.
Ring any bells?

Wow. Hey.

Wow. Sorry.

Wow. Everyone's here. Okay.

Hi.

With three minutes left
on the clock, the score is tied. 2-2!

Oh yeah! That's good move right there.

There we go!

- That's all right!
- It's all right, Crickets! Go!

- Yeah, Aneesa!
- What an exhilarating game!

A Whistlesclusive!

Paxton Hall-Yoshida
is currently apologizing

to every girl he's ever wronged.

It's the biggest thing
to hit Sherman Oaks High

since Coach Noble
barfed up Fireball at the pep rally.

Holy shit, David. Did you do this?

Here we go!

Yup, LOL.
I guess I'm a feminist icon now?

Go, Aneesa!

Okay, slow your roll, AOC.

Sherman Oaks wins 3-2!

All but one person in the stands
was cheering for Aneesa,

and she had a pretty good idea
who he was texting with.

You are also right.

I-I'm sorry. That's my bad.

Although, we've always had a nice vibe,

I'm getting tired of scrubbing your name
off the stalls in the girls' bathroom.

I'm sorry about that, Janitor Stacey.

Thanks, Paxton.

That means a lot.

Okay. I think that's everybody.

For the record,
this is not how I saw this going.

No, no, no, don't apologize.

I'm apparently the one
who was an asshole to people.

You know, I'm actually glad
you made me do that.

It felt good to make things right.

- So, you want to get some food?
- The answer is always yes.

Devi was proud of herself.
Look at her.

She had basically healed the school.

You know what? One second.

Yo, Haley, we're gonna hit up Jinky's.
You want to come?

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah. I'd love to.

I actually haven't been to Jinky's
since that last time we went.

Oh damn! I forgot about that.

Are you sure you're not still banned?

Maybe they won't recognize me.

Whoa. What the hell was this?

He apologized to you. Now back off!

Devi, no!
You're making the jealous nerd face.

Stop! You'll get wrinkles.

Tuesdays are usually my leg day,

but, uh, today
I didn't really have the time. Sorry.

Hey! Congratulations.

What an awesome game!

Uh... Yeah, it's crazy we won.

It really came down to that last play.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that was,

like, unreal.

You know, I was like,
"I can't believe what I'm seeing."

Mm-hmm. Yeah. I can't believe it either.
I'm actually gonna pop in the bathroom.

Oh, okay. Yeah, sure.

Well, I'll... I'll text you later.
Congrats again.

Aneesa wasn't upset
that Ben had ignored her.

It was that he didn't get her.

She just wanted to feel seen.

Aneesa!

Oh my God, that was such a great game,

and you were unbelievable.

Like such a superstar.

And the way that you faked out
that mean-looking girl,

and then swerved around that other girl,
and then slammed the ball into the net.

As a person who loves physics,
it was thrilling.

And you! I mean, I'm amazed by you.

You were brilliant.

♪ Darling, what you waiting there for? ♪

♪ I got you alone, but I don't wanna go ♪

♪ And, darling
What you waiting there for? ♪

♪ I got you alone
But I don't really know ♪

♪ I will try ♪

♪ To leave you alone ♪

♪ And I will try ♪

♪ To leave you alone ♪