All language subtitles for Never_have_i_ever_S03E01_NF_WEBRip_x264_SMURF+ION10+PECULATE_English

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Someone check on hell
because it has definitely frozen over.

Devi Vishwakumar just walked
into school for the first time

as Paxton Hall-Yoshida's girlfriend.

And all she had to do was cheat on him,

hit him with the car,
and do all his homework.

Harry and Meghan, move over.

This is what fairy tales are made of.

What the hell?

They'd been together
for two whole weeks,

which for teenagers is basically
a lifetime of monogamy.

Although between us,

it had been a surprisingly
PG-13 two weeks.

Uh, maybe not tonight?

Uh... I had a huge dinner.

Okay.

How about we watch some TikToks?

♪ Dream of you... ♪

Hey, let's take a rain check.

- I actually had a huge breakfast.
- Okay.

- Uh, let's watch some TikToks.
- Cool.

And though unusually large meals

had interfered with the consummation
of their love,

Devi was Paxton's official girlf.

And for the first time,
she was feeling truly confident.

You guys, isn't it crazy
that Paxton and Devi are together?

I know, right? I never saw that coming.

She's dying, right?
It's like a deathbed, last wishes thing?

God, Paxton is just so kind.

No, that's what I thought,
but she's like, healthy.

Maybe she's just a huge slut.

- Of course.
- Good observation.

Thanks. I'm really good
at deductive reasoning.

Yeah, the only reason a guy like Paxton
would be with a freak like Devi

is if she puts out.

- Totally.
- No other logical explanation.

Do you guys think I could pull off
white contacts like Kanye?

- Yes!
- Totally!

The debut of Daxton was unreal.

The hallway was littered with backpacks
people dropped in shock.

It was awesome.

Yeah, and you made it onto Lady Whistleboy
for the first time ever.

Lady Whistleboy
was the school's gossip TikTok

loosely based on a Bridgerton character

run by a not so anonymous source.

Are you guys banging yet? I can't wait
to read Lady Whistleboy's take on that.

Uh, we're circling it.

We both want to. It's imminent for sure.

Look up.

Oh shit!

Uh...
What's going on with you and Trent?

That failed attempt to look cool
was directed right at you.

Ugh! I mean, we hung out a couple of times
over Christmas break.

My parents definitely hate him,
which is exciting.

Star-crossed lovers is your dream.

I know, but it's so confusing.

We haven't kissed yet,

but he did leave a little bag
of weed under my Christmas tree.

What do you guys think that means?

Uh, that seems romantic to me.

Uh, no, it does not!

What up, losers?
What's good in the kingdom of rejects?

Sorry. Still getting used
to having female friends.

- Hi. Hello. Good morning. What's goin' on?
- Hey, babe.

We're just congratulating Devi

on her mic drop
of an entrance with Paxton.

Oh, uh, I guess I missed it. Sounds cool.

It did, right?

Because we're a good couple?
Like, it's believable that we're together,

and one person wouldn't have to be a whore
to make the other like them, right?

Devi, you're overthinking it.

And you know what?
I just thought of something.

Depending on how
this Trent thing shakes out,

we might all be in legit relationships.

Here's to never being single again.

Fabiola, I need to talk to you.

I'm so sorry.

You're moving to Korea?

Eve's mom
was opening a franchise of Bar Method

in Seoul, South Korea.

It was her dream to teach Korean women
how to sculpt their butts

with small repetitive movements.

- I don't want to break up.
- Neither do I.

Okay, then let's do long distance.
It shouldn't be that hard.

- What's the time difference?
- Sixteen hours.

What? Damn.

Maps really don't do
the Pacific Ocean justice, but it's fine.

We can do this.
I'll just stay up a little later.

You can FaceTime me when you're home
from school. It's gonna be okay.

Good morning, Pati. Can I help with that?

Oh, now you want to help out?

I was under the impression
that all you do at mealtime

is run away and shame your family.

Pati, please, the knife.

The knife is the least of your worries.

I have never been so humiliated.

Not even the time when my sari got caught
in the escalator at the Beverly Center.

I was half naked
in front of Bath & Body Works.

Pati, you know how sorry I am.

I've texted Prashant many times,
but he won't respond.

What did you even say?

"Oh, hey, boo.
Sorry to have abandoned you."

"Hope we're cool. Sad face emoji."

If you weren't so beautiful,
I would have slapped you.

Okay, Kamala,
why don't you leave the kitchen

- while your grandmother's furious...
- and armed?

You did bring disgrace on your family,

but I don't think
that's a stabbable offense.

I would go quickly if I were you.

Hey.

Oh. Hey.

So, I haven't seen you much recently,
and I...

Wait, why are there so many photos
of Adele in your locker?

Because she's an icon
with the voice of an angel, bro.

- You have a problem with that?
- No, no. I love Adele.

She's cool.

So what do you want?

Are you, like, pissed at me
because I'm with Devi?

It's not anger, man.

It's fear.

I've seen this girl burn you once.

It's like Adele's song "Cold Shoulder."

"Time and time again,
you're going to play the fool."

- I don't know that song.
- Yeah, well, you freaking should.

I just worry about you, man. I know behind
those sculpted abs is a tender heart.

My heart's not behind my abs.

Oh, sure it is.
You're just afraid to see it.

Listen, man. I appreciate
that you're looking out for me, all right?

But I really do trust Devi this time.

Okay, if you trust her,
then what else can I do but also trust.

- Psych!
- Dude!

Whatever, man.
Your nuts miss me. I could tell.

- Hey, Devi.
- Yo.

- Hey, ready to hit the road?
- Totally. Let's roll.

Cool.

The walk out of school

was feeling a bit less triumphant
to Devi than the walk-in.

She had been obsessing over what Shira,
Zoe, and Carley had said all day.

Was everyone wondering why Paxton
was with someone so far beneath him?

What did Paxton and Devi
even look like to them?

The newest odd couple at
Sherman Oaks High is leaving the building!

Here are some snacks
I found in my car.

Sorry, they're mostly crushed.

Oh, thank God.

Can you please talk to Pati?

I know she's disappointed with me,
but surely she doesn't want me to starve.

Uh, I wouldn't put it past her. She did
almost try to decapitate you this morning.

So, do you love him?

This teacher?

- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Devi's English teacher, Mr. Kulkarni.

The one you went to see
at the school that night.

I'm not dumb, Kamala.

He asked about you
at Devi's parent-teacher conference.

And then he pretended he asks
about all his students' cousins.

No, I don't love him.

Manish is just a friend.

Look, Kamala.

I know this way
of getting married can seem scary.

Things may seem out of your control,

but you just have to look
at your parents or look at Mohan and me.

I mean, part of the reason
why we worked is because

our families just went into it
wanting the same things.

I know. Uh...

I'm just scared.

I love my life here, my freedom.

I don't feel ready.

I was a third-year medical student
when my parents matched me up with Mohan.

All I wanted to do was zap spider veins

and buy myself a white BMW convertible
with gold rims.

I did not have great taste back then.

I mean, the last thing
I wanted to do was to get married.

So, what changed your mind?

Mohan, you know,
he was so honest and so kind,

and when we moved here
he made me feel closer to my family,

even though we were thousands
of miles away.

He was my rock.

Prashant does remind me of home.

It's nice.

Listen, no one's making you
get married tomorrow,

but I don't think you should
throw away Prashant because you're scared.

And he's so hot.

Extremely hot.
If you don't marry him, I will.

When you insisted

we throw you a Happy Boyfriend party today
during our session,

I thought you'd be happier about it.

Yeah, I know.

Wait, I don't understand.

You're dating the boy of your dreams.

He's publicly acknowledged you
as his girlfriend. Ooh!

Wait a minute.

Did we discover that being
in a romantic relationship

doesn't necessarily solve
all of our problems?

Mmm. Nice try, Dr. Ryan.

The entire Olivia Rodrigo album
would disagree with you.

Then why are you so down?

I overheard some girls say that
I must be a slut for Paxton to like me.

And not slut like
in the cool, affectionate way

gay men say it on reality shows.

Like, it's the only possible explanation
for why we're together.

Devi, I am so sorry that happened to you.

Me too. This cake cost $60,
and I'm too upset to eat it.

Sixty dollars!
Girl, why you didn't just go to Ralphs?

Listen, in life,

there's always going to be some girl
in a bathroom calling you a slut, right?

But the trick is
you don't let somebody else define you.

When you do that,
you give them your power.

Yeah, you're right.

That's hella wise, Doc.
I'm gonna go bitch those girls out.

You think I want you
to go bitch some other children out?

- Yeah.
- No!

I want you to ignore them.

So, do absolutely nothing?

Absolutely nothing is
an exercise in restraint.

I see. Take the high road.

- Yes.
- Sure. I could totally do that.

Good, because it would be
very mature of you.

It would be, and that is why
I'm going to do exactly that.

I'm sure you will.

Guess what, you jealous bitches. I heard
what you said about me in the bathroom.

About your insane clothes?
You look like a children's performer.

I do not look like a children's perform...

Okay, there are a lot of primary colors.

Anyways, I am not a slut,
and for your information,

Paxton and I have not had sex.

He likes me
for my awesome personality. I'm...

Whoa, you and Paxton haven't had sex yet?

- No.
- Great. That means he'll be single soon.

Huh?

Sweetie, Paxton's not gonna stay
with someone

who's not having sex with him.

He's like a man. He got armpit hair
when we were in fourth grade.

Yeah, he's not gonna be satisfied
by only touching boobs

and watching quirky TikToks
in bed or whatever.

Aw, shit, Devi.
That's exactly what you and Paxton do.

Ooh. Maybe he'll ask me to prom.
You guys want to look at dresses?

- Yes.
- REVOLVE app.

Oh my God, that is so cute.

So, you want to go to dinner this weekend?

Yeah, like heat up your mom's leftovers
and play Fortnite in your garage

with Trent and Marcus? Sure.

- Damn. Is that what our dates are like?
- Mm-hmm.

That sucks.

No, like a real date, like romantic.

Have you ever been to CPK?

CPK?
Aka California Pizza Kitchen?

Only the preeminent fast-casual
pizza chain in the US?

Now that's a date. I wish I could go.

Yeah, sure. I love pizza.

So, am I bringing a Lactaid for later,
or am I just going home after?

I mean, we could hang out
at my house after if you want.

Hmm. Great, great. Lactaid it is.

If Devi was popping Lactaids
and hanging out with Paxton after a meal,

that only meant one thing.

I'm gonna have sex
with Paxton this weekend.

Oh my...

I was waiting for Fabiola to say God,
but I think she's asleep.

Fab. Hello! You're like snoozing during
the most important news you've ever heard!

Sorry. I was up late talking
to Eve in Seoul.

I don't know
how much more I can take of this.

Hey, guess what? I could burp your name.

Eleanor.

Well, that was sort of sweet, I guess.

Devi's head was swimming.

She was with the hottest boy in school,
and it was becoming clear to her

that certain sexual expectations
went along with that.

Thank God she could just disappear into
a normal class and not think about it.

Good morning, young scholars.

Get your draft cards ready
because today we start our unit on...

the Vietnam War.

This is a story
about an incredibly rash decision

that ended in devastating consequences.

We bowed down to pressure from others,

not because it was the right thing to do,

but because of our own precious egos.

However, soon we realized
we were in over our heads,

and our actions left us with nothing
but embarrassment and shame.

And by the time we pulled out,
our innocence was lost.

Blood was everywhere.

That's right, Devi. It is gasp-worthy.

Your homework assignment.

Listen to the Forrest Gump soundtrack.

At least to the mid-'70s
before Jenny gets into heroin.

Hey, Mr. Shapiro, another inspiring class.

I actually felt like
I was at the fall of Saigon.

Thank you. That was my goal.

Did you happen to get my email
requesting additional extra credit?

I did. Uh, unfortunately,
the answer is no.

What? Why?

To be honest, you've already got
an A-triple-plus in my class.

If I go any higher, I'll need permission
from the school board.

Mr. Shapiro, I know that an A-triple-plus

seems like a good grade
for someone who went to...

Sarah Lawrence.

Of course,
but I am trying to get into an Ivy

with an incredibly small acceptance rate,
so I need a little help here.

As insulting as this interaction has been,

I'm gonna have to stick
with my original decision.

- No more extra credit, Ben.
- Ugh.

And Sarah Lawrence has a 53%
acceptance rate. It's pretty competitive.

Damn, that was crazy.

I know. Mr. Shapiro should be begging
to grade my extra credit assignments.

My prose is freaking lyrical.

No, I meant you. You were the crazy one.

Me?

You have to be intense about grades
if you want to go to a good college.

Okay, wait. Have you not thought
about where you want to go to college?

Not really. I figured I'd just go to
Cal State Northridge where my cousins go.

Wow. Well, I want to go to Columbia
like Barack Obama and Jake Gyllenhaal.

We had our Bar Mitzvahs
at the same temple.

Jake and me, not President Obama.

Ah. Sounds cool.
Maybe I'll apply there too.

What?

- Kamala?
- Hi. I brought cashew brittle.

It's delicious, and it's on
the pricier end of their offerings.

I have a deadly nut allergy.

Was your purpose to kill me after
humiliating me in front of my family?

Prashant, wait.

I am so sorry.

I just panicked.

My grandmother and my aunt convinced me
that you were going to propose.

I was going to propose.

- You were?
- Yeah.

Why do you think I brought
my parents here? To see Universal Studios?

They've been to the better one in Orlando.

- Oh.
- Why are you here, Kamala?

To win you back?

I don't think you actually want me back.

Sure, I do. You're such a great catch.

I know I am.

But, apparently, the thought
of me proposing to you made you flee.

I'm ready for marriage.

I want to take that next step
and to have a family.

And I thought you did too.

I do theoretically,
but I still have my fears.

Honestly, I didn't love the advice
you gave me about my work.

And I worry that that means
you won't support me professionally.

And sometimes, when I picture our wedding,
I feel physically ill.

But that doesn't mean
that I want to lose what we have.

From what you just told me,
I don't think we have anything.

No, that's not true.

I mean, we have terrific sexual chemistry.

I would agree with that.

Okay, look, maybe it's true that
I don't necessarily want to marry you,

but it might just be
that I don't want to marry anyone.

Well, then it's probably better
that we know that now.

Goodbye, Kamala.

I can't believe
I'm gonna lose my virginity tonight.

Okay, and we assume
you've already called the PTA meeting.

PTA meeting? What's that?

Pits, tits, and ass.

You gotta keep it fresh in there.

God, I hate knowing
that acronym.

Yes, my PTA are squeaky clean.

I wiped them down with old alcohol wipes
from when I got barbecue take out.

It hurt like a bitch,
but thanks for helping me get ready, guys.

It really means a...

Fab! What the hell?

Congratulations on doing sex.
We are so proud of you.

Dude, you can't keep doing this
long-distance thing. It's not healthy.

Yes, I can.

I love Eve, and it'll be so worth it
when I can visit her in 60 months

after I've saved up my allowance
for airfare.

Mm-hmm. I don't know, guys. It's weird.

I'm obviously mega horny for Paxton,
but kissing to intercourse in two weeks?

Isn't that kind of fast?

So don't have sex with him.
I'm not having sex with Ben.

Oh, that's interesting.

Not to me personally,
but for this group of girls.

Devi, you don't have to do it
if you aren't ready.

But Shira, Zoe, and Carley said

that Paxton won't stay with a girl
who doesn't have sex with him.

Don't listen to them.
They don't know anything.

Thanks, Fab.

Even if they're right,
what's the worst that can happen?

Paxton dumps you, and your popularity
plummets into the toilet again.

So what?
Isn't your integrity more important?

Also, many sexless people
have very fulfilling lives.

They just channel their extra energy
into other pursuits.

Like, you could raise bees.

Raise bees?

Gonna be honest, guys,
this advice low-key sucks.

Sorry. I don't know why
I'm freaking out.

I've wanted to have sex
with Paxton forever,

and it's probably gonna be
some magical deflowering

that I write a poem about or some shit.

I'm gonna do it.

Yes, queen! And now,
the most important question.

What is your panty situation?

Mmm. Boy shorts
with South Park characters on it.

The fly is Cartman's mouth.

Right. I know how to fix this.

Ooh la la.

What are you doing?

Uh...

Your laundry.

I know that's a lie. You don't even know
where the washer/dryer is.

Uh, yeah, I do.

I want to say... kitchen?

Okay. Fine.

I needed to borrow some sexy underwear
because I'm dating someone.

Yes, Paxton. I know.

I've run into him a few times
in our Jack and Jill bathroom.

You're lucky your mom doesn't know
that you're dating him.

Wait, why do you need...

Oh my God, Devi.

Are you going to have sex?

- Is he pressuring you?
- No.

- I want to. I'm excited about it.
- Uh-huh.

Sit down. Let's talk.

Devi, sex is a big deal.

When you sleep with someone,
you're the most vulnerable you'll ever be.

And if you rush into that,
you could get really hurt.

Like, down there?

No, Devi, like, emotionally.

Ah.

I've learned the hard way

that you shouldn't do anything
on anyone's schedule but your own.

Are you talking about Prashant?

Yes.

I'm not going to marry him
because I'm not ready.

And you shouldn't have sex yet
unless you're ready.

The problem was,
Devi, like most teenagers,

had no idea what she was ready for.

All she knew was that she was
certainly not ready to be dumped.

I'm not trying to be mean.

I'm just saying I've never seen
anyone eat that much pizza.

It's almost like you were trying to stall
before you were coming home with me.

Stall? Are you crazy?

Why would I want to delay

the momentous night
we have ahead?

♪ Clementine ♪

♪ Trying to erase you ♪

♪ From my spotless mind ♪

♪ Hit fast-forward
But I'm stuck in rewind ♪

♪ Trying to erase you ♪

♪ Clementine... ♪

- Ow. Ow, ow. My ear, my ear! Ow, ow.
- Oh, oh, oh.

You good?

Yeah.

Totally good. Don't know why I decided
to wear statement earrings.

♪ Ferrari white tears
You cut 'em up in the mirror ♪

♪ Now she's moving on
But I'm still here... ♪

I'm ready.

♪ You're cutting me loose
I'm kinda confused... ♪

I'm ready.
Just put it in and get it over with.

Paxton?

Hey, wha... what's up?

Why'd you stop?

I'm so close.

Devi, your hands were
in tight little fists.

And you were so stressed out,
I think I heard you crack a tooth.

Wha... Um...

I don't think I'm ready to have sex.

I understand if you want
to break up with me.

I know you don't date girls
who don't put out, so it's cool.

That's not true. I can go slow.

Okay, but what does going slow
mean to you?

Like non-stop 69ing?
'Cause I don't want to do that.

What? No.

Look, Devi, I only want to do
what you're comfortable with.

Well, what if what I'm comfortable with

is just going to second base
during scary movies?

- Then I'm cool with that.
- Really?

Yeah.

- You want to watch some TikToks?
- Yeah.

So we decided to take it slow.

He didn't even get to see the G-string
I made out of my shoelace.

- That's awesome, Devi.
- Good for you.

I mean, we did silkscreen
this "Plowed by Paxton" t-shirt for you,

but I guess I can give it to someone else
who had sex with him. I'm proud of you.

Apricot conditioner, so no flaking.

So, any updates on Trent?

Ugh! No, I've given up on him.
He ghosted me on text.

I guess I misread the signals.

Here are your graded pop quizzes
on the Tet Offensive.

And, frankly, what I find offensive
is how ill-prepared so many of you were.

I guess I'll have to go back
to teaching with textbooks

instead of the films of Robert Zemeckis.

I got a flat 100?

But I wrote an extra page
on LBJ's inability to de-escalate the war

and Lady Bird Johnson's lack
of fashion compared to Jackie O's.

I told you, Ben, no more extra credit.

An 82? A freaking 82?

Hey, I also got an 82! Ha! We're the same.

Eleanor, up top!

I don't know how this happened.
I've never gotten below an A before.

In that moment,
Fabiola knew what she had to do.

Hey, I think we should talk.

Sure,
would 2:30 a.m. your time work?

Ooh, an 84. Suck on that, Trent.

Eleanor!

How could you leave me
hanging back there with my high five?

It cuts me deep
that my girl would do that to me.

Um, I'm sorry. Your girl?

Are we dating?

Because you haven't texted me back
in forever.

Oh, that's because I changed my number.

I found out that 1-800-0FS-GIVEN
became available.

Not that I even give an f.

Okay, so just to clarify,
you have a toll-free cell phone number?

- Yeah.
- And you like me?

Romantically?

Yeah.

Okay, because that wasn't
really clear before.

Oh, well, let me be clear then.

♪ Don't wanna call
But I'm thinkin' 'bout you ♪

♪ Can't help it if I do ♪

♪ Don't wanna call... ♪

- Wow.
- Sick.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Well, how's everything going?

The, you know...

Things are really good.

Good. Since you're a late bloomer,

I just wanted to offer my advice

as someone with more romantic
and sexual experience.

- Mmm. How kind of you.
- Yeah, no problem.

Great, well, all right.
I'll, uh, see you later, David.

Mmm.

Hey! You three!

I want to let you guys know that Paxton
and I decided to take things slow

because we are in a mature,
committed, respectful relationship

that the three of you
would never understand.

What? We didn't hear you
because we had in our earbuds.

I was just saying that Paxton and I
are taking things slow, and we're good.

Okay.

It's just that you said some
pretty mean stuff about us before, so...

- I don't think so. Doesn't sound like us.
- Mm-mm.

No, you definitely did.

She said we're not mean.

And you labeling us that
makes you a bully.

The prettiest girls at school
are always the ones people bully.

Mm-hmm.

Right then
Devi learned a valuable lesson.

She was nothing to these girls.

So maybe what they said
should mean nothing to her.

Thank you.
I got a lot out of this conversation.

- Great chat.
- Bye.

- Great stuff. Bye.
- Bye.

So, Devi, how was your evening last night?
Was it eventful?

It was not. I did not consummate my plans.

What is this?
Why are you both talking weird?

Nothing, Mom.

- Yo! We got idli and sambar? Noice!
- Mm-hmm.

That definitely sounds more normal.

So, Nirmala Mami, how was
your water aerobics class this morning?

You still floating away,
or did you find a way to anchor yourself?

Nobody cares, Nalu.

Kamala, did you talk to Prashant?

Is the wedding on or not?

Because we need to start booking flights
for family coming from India.

I did speak to Prashant.
It was an illuminating conversation,

and I think we came to a mutual agreement
which we are both very happy with.

We have decided
to not move forward with our relationship.

But I think it's going to be
a positive thing for me, because...

Oh, you do? I'm glad to hear it,
because I'm never speaking to you again.

Devi, you are
my only granddaughter now. Enjoy.

All right, Mami...

Okay, well,
things were looking up.

Devi was somehow,
for the first time, the family favorite.

She was in a healthy relationship
with her dream guy,

and she had learned
to ignore all the haters.

You better watch out, Devi.

Paxton Hall-Yoshida
is not who you think he is.

Yeah,
it's gonna be hard to ignore that.

♪ Yeah, I hear wedding bells ♪

♪ But they're not for me ♪

♪ They're for my best friend ♪

♪ And your best friend ♪

♪ Yeah, I hear wedding bells ♪

♪ Yeah, I hear wedding bells ♪

♪ But they're not for you ♪